Last Night's TV

Big Brother vs. The Only Way is Essex.

2011-10-09T20:59:00.013Z

Or 'reality TV' vs. 'some scenes have been set up purely for your entertainment'.

Look, I don't know shit about TV really, not in a sociological sense, but I do watch A LOT and it strikes me that there has been a major shift from the quite naive 'social experiment' reality TV of the early noughties and the more staged series' we have these days. Namely The Only Way is Essex and Made in Chelsea, the latter heavily influenced by America's The Hills.

I'm not stupid enough to think that reality TV was ever actually reality (just) but being able to compare Channel 5's exact replication of C4's Big Brother with TOWIE and MIC, it is patently clear that BB is an outmoded example of the genre. Oh Channel 5 thought they might be able to breathe life into the corpse by putting no-one over 30 into the house and plying them with alcohol, but, as anyone over the age of 30 knows, plying youngsters with alcohol makes them snog and cry. Uncomfortable viewing.

I'm obviously massively into both TOWIE and MIC. How could I not be? There's just so much HAIR.

Girl

Boy

Not sure.

TOWIE, my favourite of the two, is undeniably funny. But I'm not sure how I feel about the heavy staging of "new" reality. It's so clear when the scenes have been set up 'purely for our entertainment' and it's on these occasions that the programmes are least entertaining. Yes, BB is boring, but aren't people a bit boring? Is boredom preferable to insincerity? Will I stop writing this post so that I can watch the TOWIE which has just started? Yes I will.

Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares

2011-10-06T22:31:00.002Z

Gordon Ramsay eats a disappointing meal at a restaurant. He is angry. He uncovers a dysfunctional (familial) relationship among its owners. Ramsay observes a dinner service, stealing off at some point for a closer look at food storage. This is inadequate. Ramsay shouts angrily at the owner(s) and shuts retaurant down. Angrily. The chef is sacked. Ramsay designs a new menu for the big reopening. New chef struggles a bit initially but ultimately triumphs = every Kitchen Nightmares ever.

Celebrity Apprentice USA (2008!)

2011-08-04T10:32:00.011Z

Lord knows, I love The Apprentice. Lord knows, I love celebrities. And in the States they don't just use this potent combination for a one-off charity spin-off, but afford business-minded famous people entire weeks of TV. Let's take a look at The Celebrity Apprentice USA.

Relatively, the whole series is better than ours because the big boss man is Donald Trump who's an actual, proper businessman with his own skyscraper, as opposed to a shonky, jumped-up, market trader with the title Lord of Hackney. Also, the joke of the surname never wears thin. In terms of advisers, Trump keeps it in the family, employing his son and his daughter. So it's run by a whole load of Trumps.

Re Mr Trump, Jr., a picture says a thousand words, I think. Re Ivanka, well, she's okay, I like her. She's seems clever, switched-on...of course, she's a woman in business so the men talk over her the entire time. But she's no Margaret Mountford. Who is?

There's some fairly big names involved this series, like Lennox Lewis. I'll run through a few of the most interesting ones:

Gene Simmons -

Gene Simmons is a sexist, arrogant twat who looks like Frankenstein's monster in Norman Bate's mother's wig.

Piers Morgan -

Morgan seems compelled to prove that every single Hollywood stereotype of the duplicitous, underhand, double-dealing Brit is in fact correct. In his case, a former newspaper editor who faked up front-page photos and has recently been implicated in the phone hacking scandal, it evidently is. But otherwise I think it's time America let the whole War of Independence thing go.

Tito Ortiz -

A walking potato

Marilu Henner -

Seeing Marilu Henner again plunged me straight back into my amorphous childhood sexuality and the fact that I vaguely fancied her/wanted to be her when she was in Taxi. In that sense she joins the unenvied pantheon of Adam Ant, Shakin' Stevens and Michael Knight who make up my psycho-sexual blueprint. Lucky girl.

Omarosa -

Apparently a reality star of some description who I've seen on Celebrity Apprentice in a former season. I wonder if the Celebrity Apprentice itself made her a reality star, in which case it's all getting a bit postmodern. I don't know how she swung the whole mono-name thing, but it seems a little presumptuous if you ask me.

Nely Galan -

I have no idea who she is. But imagine a cut-price J-Lo who was in a house fire, then had a further 50% off and was still consigned to the bargain bin, and you're getting close.

Stephen Baldwin is also in it, but I don't want to waste any more of my wit on that god-bothering little ponce after Celebrity Big Brother 2010.

Conclusion: it's all very watchable and we have to watch something before the big move of Big Brother to Channel 5, don't we? About which I am intrigued, if not excited. I'll let you know my thoughts soon.

OMG! With Lily Geldof

2011-03-16T11:21:00.007Z

Mouth agape last night. MOUTH AGAPE. I'm going to come back to this mess

in another blog.

Suffice to say that it was 'lives of the rich and famous daughters' on Channel 4 and ITV2 last night, as viewers got to choose between the produce of Geldof and Yates' ill-judged 80s rut, or the offspring of Keith Allen and some woman who doesn't even seem to LIKE her daughters. But then, would you?

It really was a case of OMG! with these two twats. Lily Allen came across as spoiled and bossy and gauche, and these were just the most prominent of a whole HOST of undesirable personal qualities. For instance, like a simpleton, Allen laughs uproariously after almost EVERY THING that she says. Apparently the funniest person in the world for Lily Allen is Lily Allen. The programme followed Lily and her sister's philanthropic mission to set up a business giving us mere mortals a taste of their couture lifestyles. Lucy In Disguise (shit name) will allow plebs to hire designer dresses for a night or two.

An hour of these two little arseholes demonstrating time and time again how divorced they were from the 'current economic climate' ensued. The best bit of the doc was when Mary Portas confronted the privileged siblings with a few facts about the sort of money they thought their customers had available versus the reality of most people's lives. But it wasn't enough for the penny just to drop for Lily. She had to state, "Well, yeah, I suppose I can just go and spend £2000 and it means NOTHING to me, but it's not the same for others." No it's not, Lils, NO IT'S NOT. But the galling thing was when she dared to suggest that she has money fears and worries to equal that of the public who buy her records. She spoke of her fear of going to cash point and "finding there was nothing there"...or 'the end of the month' as everyone else calls it.

The interesting aspect of this documentary is going to be how the story of the Allen sister, Sarah, unfolds. It's clear to see that Sarah has a dark heart and a fetid soul. It's written all over her. Witness this offguard moment.

Ugh. There's just something really mean about her. At one point she came back from a 'business trip' sniffing and jittery and coked up and it became clear that she's going to fritter her sister's fortune away on a habit disguised as a business - you see, Sarah thinks it's really cool that she's partied 'two decades' away. She's like the Charlie Sheen of the Primrose Hill set.

Can't wait to see how this one pans out over the next couple of weeks.

Swingtown

2011-02-16T13:49:00.002Z

The best programme by a country mile on TV in 2010 was Swingtown, an exploration of the sexual anomie brought on by suburban boredom in 1970s America, starring Molly Parker and Jack Davenport among others. Like The Ice Storm but without the nuance, stunning aesthetic or complex performances.

Swingtown posits that every female during the era looked like a bargain basement Sissy Spacek.

My fella and I largely became addicted to this programme on the basis of Jack Davenport's APPALLING Amercian accent. From week to week we could barely wait to see what parts of the script he would murder next in a generalised US drawl. He was obviously so self-conscious of how bad it was that sometimes he just didn't bother at all. Witness the phrase 'out and about' in the clip below:

You'll note Davenport's characteristic performance mode in the clip is smug; as if a leering conceitedness will detract from his foundational failure to adequately portray an American. You will also note that every weekend is Studio 54 time in Swingtown. The plethora of cliche and stereotypes in the show was mind-boggling. The one thing it was missing was sex - strange for a show which titularly entices through suggested orgies. Don't be fooled by images like this:

It was more like this:

But with flares.

Big Fat Gypsy Weddings

2011-02-09T13:10:00.007Z

About time I addressed this sure-fire hit from C4 which enjoyed the third documentary of the series last night. I always get excited on Tuesdays that it's on, but actually found myself a bit bored by the end of yesterday's episode, wondering how much more they could say about this particular minority. The constants in each episode have been a repressive gender formation in which female travellers do the housework while the men bring home the bacon, and the hilarity of the tacky weddings of the traveller youth (I mean youth. The girls are all aged between 16-22) - the key joke being the huge, ridiculous, fairytale/Disney/burlesque/sex show dresses.

The dresses sum up the paradox of traveller femininity. The girls are sexually oppressed; forbidden from having pre-marital sex which leads to teenage marriage and such cultural activities as 'grabbing' (females being dragged off by males and coerced - sometimes violently - into giving up kisses). At the same time, the clothes and the dancing and everything else that surrounds adolescent courtship is hyper-sexual and overt. And it's not just adolescents...we've seen tiny little girls bumping and grinding. Imagine Princess Price bogling.

Actually don't.

Herein lies the problem. The viewpoint of the audience is clearly imperialistic. In line with a thousand other C4 'documentaries' we are expected to laugh at this economic underclass and their funny ways, and we are encouraged to do so by the ubiquitous 'plinky plonky', pizzicato, comedy-doc music constantly (and tiresomely) used to turn media subjects into laughing stocks.

The other problem is that we've been shown no resistance, no challenge to the overarching sexism of traveller ideology. The closest we've come was last night's Violet-Ann who managed to hold off marriage until 22 through working, and so was granted a longer period of independence before the inevitable role of housewife and mother. Let's hope that Violet-Ann doesn't marry a Violent Man.

But there is no hope really, not according to what C4 are showing us. There's no space for change. Racism has hardened the cultural mores of this group and made them cling on to their difference from settled people. That traveller doctrine is so entrenched makes this rather gloomy to watch. And in the absence of really critical journalism, I'm finding the condescending 'gaze' uncomfortable.

Not that there haven't been jaw dropping moments, like the revelation that 50% of gypsies have a a life expectancy of <50. Now that is something about which questions should be asked. That, and WHAT THE HELL do travellers do with those wedding dresses after the big day? There's no room for them in a caravan! Is there a warehouse somewhere full of gypsy wedding dresses? I need answers!

The small C

2011-02-04T20:23:00.006Z

Who on earth watches Children's Hospital? Or Jimmy's? It can't be parents with sick children, can it? Is it? Or is it people with healthy kid/s who want to see what it's like to have a sick kid? Such a disturbing thought. Or worse, is it people without children who want to see what happens to sick children? Weird. Or maybe it's people who just like to watch hospital-based reality docs, regardless of the age of the drugged, diseased or dying patients? I don't, and I really like medicine.

What's undeniable is that people are watching them. LOTS of people. Documentaries about hospitalised creatures, human or animal, have appeared on weekdays and weeknights for years. For longer than Big Brother. And extra special prime-time points go to sick youngsters. Logically though, the star of the genre would be called Sick Baby Pets and perhaps presented by Kirsten O'Brien.

Villified as I sometimes am for liking brainless reality programmes, and loathe to criticise the viewing habits of others, those hospi-docs - for me - are the worst sort of television you could possibly watch. The ones about children especially.

Now WHEN'S MASTERCHEF BACK?

January/February reality slump

2011-02-03T20:13:00.007Z

There is a dearth of reality TV at this time of year (especially sans Celeb BB. Sigh).

What have we got? Dancing on Ice, which is stretching the definition of celebrity to the very utmost, and...er...NOTHING ELSE. I've even been watching a bit of Hell's Kitchen over on ITV 2 despite the atrocious Ramsay. His wife was on Dancing on Ice a couple of years and it's a wonder they've got all those kids because she moved as if devoid of sexuality.

Anyway, super-jazzy and very expensive BBC ads herald the coming of Masterchef! And I LOVE Masterchef. Things are looking decidedly up.

Which reminds me, I have fallen head over heels in love with Lorraine Pascale who shows us the Easy Way to Bake on BBC2. Oooh lordy, she's my kind of chef. Cheesy pastas, herby breads, fruity pastries, chocolatey cakes...she's a heart-attack and heart-ache rolled into one. I wish she lived in my kitchen.

Final Big Brother finale and Ultimate Big Brother

2010-08-25T15:09:00.009Z

Big Brother very much went out with a whimper last night, as the five bores were ejected one after another. Dave came second. A CREATIONIST at number 2. As Emma Kennedy tweeted "Hang your heads in shame".

Ultimate Big Brother ensued soon afterwards but no Jade Goody. Maybe they could pipe in her saying "Shilpa Fuckawallah, Shilpa Poppadoom" every so often... Oh, look, I know she's dead and I know that's sad but this whole martyr the racist thing's getting on my wick. Let's not forget who she was and what she did.

My Ultimate Big Brother housemates would be:
Caggy
Bubble
Gos
Kitten
Kinga
Les Dennis
Science
SHAHBAZ
Shabnam
Rex's girlfriend
Jo O' Meara
Sree
Sunshine
Cissy

The night BB11 turned to shit

2010-08-23T09:50:00.003Z

Friday it was. Friday. When the only housemates of any interest left in the house were booted out.

You see, when the producers asked people to vote for who to evict on Friday, they gave the result to people who had haters. If they had asked the GBP to vote to save people, someone like Sam - who has both lovers and haters - might have stood a chance. As it was, the people who escaped eviction were those the GBP felt indifferent about.

The night started off well enough when Steve was kicked out. But when he was followed by Corin, my heart began to sink. Sam, no less, was next out. Followed by the deserving John James.

So we're left with the finalist we know about - Josie - the non-entities of Andrew and JJ (who?), Mario (ok then) and DAVE. FUCKING DAVE. Yes, the fucking quack doctor managed to escape eviction, for reasons I CANNOT FATHOM. HOW has this notion of 'oh, he's just a nice family guy' overcome people seeing him expound his insane and dangerous beliefs? WHAT is going on? It's just all fuelling his delusion that Jesus has chosen him. He probably thinks he's converted people through being in there. I can't stand it. If Dave goes on to win this, I'm going to have to a dirty protest at BB HQ.

Sure enough, last night's highlights were unimaginably boring and the victory seems to be Josie. At least I actually want her to win now so that fucking monk doesn't.

...and all is revealed

2010-08-20T11:01:00.004Z

What a fascinating last week of the last Big Brother this is turning out to be. As is often the case, a la Craig and Anthony all those years ago, the truth of house dynamics is becoming apparent.

The big news is John James' implosion over recent days. Starting with his vain refusal to wear a stupid crab costume, followed by accusations of hypocrisy from other housemates who have received an earbashing about being "team players" from none other than John James, through to Corin's eventual bravery in confronting John James about his arrogance and attitude to women, the final week has been captivating. For as John James has fallen from grace, Corin has risen and risen in my estimation.

Long ago I noted that John James only has a go at women. The men in the house should be ashamed at their collusion in his female bullying, even if only silence. Well, last night, to quote Corin, this came back to "bite him on the bum". For John James was hideously demeaning to a temporarily returned Rachael1, accusing her of being little more than a prostitute for doing a 'Nuts' shoot. He wasn't remorseful, but PROUD, when he returned to the house and relayed the attack. That is until Corin told him that Rachael is now going out with Nathan...

Cue John James shitting himself, and recoursing to his usual behaviour by threatening to leave the house. What disgusts me most is this notion that a woman needs a male protector for him to show them a modicum of respect. The cowardly bully. It's only the thought of getting his head kicked in - evidence of his view of why men are superior, and women lesser beings (physical strength) - that's made him think twice about what he said.

During all of this drama, Corin calmly and coolly told John James and the rest of the housemates exactly what she thinks. When she excused the housemates laughing at John James' relation of the Rachael1 incident, saying that John James had been intimidating the house for so many weeks they simply acquiesce to him, you could still see Steve thinking over his own conduct. She was understanding, but her canny observations have damned them all.

Josie might even ultimately lose this because of her association with John James. And so she should. As much as I love Sam Pepper, Corin deserves to win this series. She gets my vote.

The final approaches

2010-08-18T11:53:00.004Z

Is it just me and my BB obsession or has it all seemed a bit short this year? Or maybe it's just that there are so many housemates left over at the end. I feel like I'm only just getting a handle on the late arrivals. JJ's honking voice is really starting to get on my wick. And I haven't had ENOUGH SAM.

Anyway, the whole shebang is over in a week. And yet Dave is still in there. He's taken on some particularly annoying aspects in the last couple of weeks - becoming paranoid that BB doesn't like him, and developing the puppy dog countenance and ickle baby voice of a 14 year old boy in order to purvey the affront. URGH he makes me so sick. How can everyone have fallen for his 'I'm a family man' act when he's so clearly a combination of stickybeak and attention seeker glued together with bitchiness and insanity?

On the other hand. Sam. I wonder how different things would be in terms of his audience standing if he'd gone in any earlier. What exact game have the producers been playing with this particular housemate? Why the four Friday evictions which have greatly lessened his odds? And did anyone notice Davina's self-contradiction during her eviction interview with Jo last Friday when she followed up, "I'm so surprised to see you here instead of Sam," with the revelation that he was the favourite and everyone loved him. Disingenuous Davina!

Watermelons

2010-08-10T09:58:00.002Z

The big news of the week has to be Andrew's very ill-advised admission that he made sweet, sweet love to a giant melon. "I carried a watermelon?" No, I fucked it. I gave that multi-pipped bad boy a pummeling. I balanced it between the end of my bed and my mattress for purchase and then discharged my balls into its red, sticky flesh.

There's a level of preparation in food fucking that eludes me. So...the thought crosses your mind. But then you've got to leave the house, find the item, presumably squeeze a few to check they're fit for purpose, buy it, return home, set it up, and do the dirty. There are many, many exit points along the way. Or maybe we should just admire Andrew's focus and tenacity? At any point he could have scaled the exercise back down but NO, he soldiered on to the inexorable conclusion. I'm just surprised he managed to keep his horn going for that long.

Andrew is bound to be haunted by this for the rest of his life. And he's only 18 or 19, so he's in for the long haul. Somebody else in the house who SHOULD be embarrassed by their behaviour is Corin, who has turned into a proper prat over JJ (and despite his curious sexlessness). Even though she has a girlfriend - and not a very happy one, by all accounts - Corin continues to score these tiny sexual victories over the boy, like getting him to sit next to her, or touch her hand, or even spend a cringe-inducing night in bed with her (Corin: "Do you want to stay here?" JJ: "Do YOU want me to stay here" Corin:"Do you WANT me to want you to stay here?" etc.). It's like watching a randy divorcee chasing around after her best friend's son. Nicking his number off his mum's phone and asking him to serve as a cocktail waiter at her next 'girl's night in' - and then convincing him to wear only a bow tie and apron and a thong so that she and Debbie (her involuntarily celibate friend) can discuss his pert bottom over B&H in the garden. Or something like that anyway. There's only 6 years between them, but Corin's combination of teenage flirting tactics and Nuts lewdness make me feel a queasy.

Anyway, just off for a slice of watermelon...

Next out: Jo
Final five: Corin, Josie, Sam Pepper, JJ, John James?
To win: Sam Pepper

Josie

2010-08-07T13:22:00.001Z

Ugh. Josie becomes more like a Bristonian fishwife every day. "John Jems...John Jems...John Jems..."

Sam Pepper

2010-08-05T20:00:00.004Z

So after the various disastrous boring newbies, whose combined contribution to BB11 is emblematised in Keeley's broken ankle, the producers remembered "Of course! It's the last one. We can do whatever we want!" and chucked in Sam Pepper.

Oh yeah. Sam Pepper.

He's been given the clear brief to rile everyone up, and in five short days has managed to tea bag Josie, cry rape at Dave, annoy the fuck out of everyone, and make his allegiance to Big Brother over any single housemate perfectly clear. He's wonderful. Apart from John James' pathetic arguments, it's been far too cuddly in there for ages now.

And it's obviously Dave who's got away with the most. Dave who, the other night, professed his belief in WEREWOLVES (they didn't show THAT on the highlights - favourable editing?). Dave who followed Jedward around the house on Friday in the most embarrassing and transparent attempt to get on camera so far in the series. Dave who needs to FUCK OFF.

Jo didn't fulfill her promise to challenge "the monk"'s own particular brand of bullshit theology, so I'm counting on Sam. Come on Sam! Don't laugh away Dave's beliefs as eccentric like the rest of the housemates - expose him for the dangerous charlatan he is. We're counting on you.

p.s. The JJJ situation has been disrupted by John James obvious homo love for JJ - hereafter called the JJJJJ situation.

Big Brother - Dave and "The Glory"

2010-07-28T15:05:00.003Z

So much is happening in Big Brother, it's hard to keep up. The JJJ situation gets stupider and stupider with much of the relationship ups and downs revolving around the ambiguity of the terms 'love', 'feelings' and 'care'. Unfortunately Josie doesn't realise that she is little more than a maternal substitute for that massive, massive mummy's boy. Ben's character, meanwhile, continues to take on various strange facets. His conversation is so crafted and Machiavellian, I think he might actually be sociopathic. Andrew has become rather interesting though recently - making great strides towards ultimate victory when he managed to convince Rachel of his split personality disorder the other day, seemingly just for his own amusement.

But I'll return to these hms at a later date and focus upon Dave who I hope, I PRAY, gets evicted on Friday. I'm going to have to list my issues with Dave - they are too numerous snd I am too angry to prosify.
1. Like so many Christians, Dave is actually a very nasty person. In fact, he's hateful. He frequently intiates the bitching sessions between the boys (who, by the by, are FAR bitchier than the women in the house); he loves talking behind people's backs, or even pulling them down to their faces. I witnessed him on the live feed at the smoker's bench last night, telling Josie she was going to die because of her habit. "100% certain death. You're going to die," said Dave, who appeared to have missed a crucial biology lesson at school.
2. Dave is a creationist. He doesn't believe in dinosaurs. Seems like he missed a few science lessons at school.
3. Where is the drunken glory which Dave imported from America and parades on youtube thus?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Af82HUus3UA&feature=related

That faithless fucking fraud. And yet, instances of getting "whacked on Jesus" have been few and far between in the house. Maybe he knows everyone will be able to see right through him, housemates and public alike. Seeing as this is Dave's schtick, it seems pretty bloody unusual that God's stopped pouring his holy spirit down his throat over the last few weeks.
4. If you can stomach any more chicanery, watch this awful video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5OcPrMSeP9o&feature=related

So Dave thinks it's funny to pretend to be a monk and heal people because his view of them, essentially, is that they're all gullible idiots. Is this what he's saying, or have I missed something? Love thy neighbour indeed, you prick.

I hate him.

Next to go: DAVE
Final five: Andrew, Ben, Mario, Corin, Josie.
To win: Andrew - but I'm starting to feel pretty ambivalent about the housemates as much as I love the series.

BB Identification Theory

2010-07-23T11:41:00.014Z

I've been going off Josie in recent days, largely because of her "feelings" for John James. He is such a mammoth TWAT that this reflects really, really badly on her - and makes me reevaluate how I've been responding to her over the last few weeks.

I started to wonder whether one of the reasons I liked Josie was because she reminded me of a very funny, very cool west country girl I know (let's call her Pouisa) and the realisation that Pouisa would never give the time of day to a knobjockey like JJ brought me crashing back to earth that this wasn't actually her - that this was someone who I don't know, and who I've have been projecting feelings from my actual life upon.

In fact, BB11 is proving a strange one from the point of view of audience identification. When Shabby initially went in to the house she seemed to bear herself with the lightly sardonic humour and self-sufficient approach, and have a similar sort of prettiness to, an actress friend of mine - Pane. Indeed, Pane texted me to say how much she loved Shabby - the narcissistic trollop. Conversely, my boyfriend hates Keeley - because she has the same small stature, blond hair and shrewd face of his poisonous dwarf of an ex-girlfriend. I mean, it's really bad - he can hardly look at her and she's bringing up a lot of bad feeling for him.

But the most interesting instance of this in my whole history of watching the programme is with Mario, who bears more than a passing resemblance to a very good friend - let's call him Pian. It's not just me that's noticed this likeness - other friends have too, as has his own MUM. The dark good looks and gentle manner shared by Pian and Mario has had a very odd effect on my viewing experience. I imbue Mario with Pian's character to such an extent that I actually, sort of, love him a little bit. I make involuntary noises like, 'aaaahhhh!' when he speaks....I want to give him a hug...I enmesh the two's behaviour in my mind so that when Mario is kind to another housemate I think 'typical Pian'...If anyone is a friend of Mario's in the house, I wonder if they could also be mine...

So Mario in particular, and other housemates to a far lesser extent, afford me the opportunity to reflect on people in my own life as well as colour and shape my responses to the housemates. I don't think this theory has any application beyond the individual. Winners of Big Brother can't win because they remind the majority of the public of someone they know (they win generally because they're kind and non-argumentative or - if they have arguments - they pick them well). But it is interesting nevertheless. Well, I think so anyway....

Caiomhe (sp?) walks (19 and 20/7/10)

2010-07-20T14:43:00.001Z

Have been too busy having fun to blog recently, but finally caught up properly last night, only to find that the house has turned into boarding school c.1992. Josie has decided she DOES fancy John James (why? WHY?), and Caiomhe - clinging desperately on to the only two housemates still willing to talk to her - decided to fuck with them. Of course she did, because she's such a lovely, lovely person. So she flirted with John James. Then, after Josie mustered up the courage to confront her about the behaviour, pulled out every excuse that those girls do ("I didn't", "I was drunk", "I didn't know you liked him so much" - note the contradictions), then threatened to walk out of the house, thereby making Josie feel awful, and finally kept her promise a couple of hours ago and fucked off - at LAST.

There are so many reasons why I detest Caiomhe (sp?). She reckons herself, she lacks kindness and compassion towards others, but, most of all, she SMILES when she does awful things. So, over the last couple of days, she's been unable to keep the smirk off her face after continually revealing aspects of Josie's crush to John James. Josie and John James had a conversation last night about the fact that Caiomhe smiles after she says contentious stuff, with Josie concluding that the smile "isn't real". But, chillingly, it IS. She likes fucking about with people. She enjoys social conflict and she can't keep it off her physog.

So she won't be misssed at all, although her exit does somewhat curtail a potential dramatic situation should everyone have worked out her game. This BB has got to watch that it doesn't turn into one big touchy-feely massage-fest initiated by Dave and Mario. The Josie and John James situation (hereafter JJJ - I can't be arsed to type their names all the time) might provide dramatic focus - but I think it is only a matter of days before Josie realises that her brain was mysteriously tampered with and recognises him for the great galah he is.

Save and Replace and New Housemates

2010-07-12T15:08:00.004Z

Quick word on the 'Save and Replace' task in which a nominated housemate wins a task and picks someone to take their eviction place. It seems to be causing some consternation but I think it's a sound intervention. The problem in previous years has been the same people getting nominated week after week who might be unpopular in the house but not necessarily outside- and we all remember how BB2's Paul thought his repeated escape from eviction was down to HIS popularity rather than his opponent's unpopularity. (Mind you, he was exceptionally thick). This is an excellent way for the nominations to be varied - and greatens the odds of one of the public's most hated coming into the firing line. It can also work the other way, granted, but still, it deals with boring repetitive nommos.

Three new housemates entered the compound on Friday, doing a silly little robotic walk because they were brought in via a SPACESHIP. Whoooh, COSMIC! (Really a box on a crane). BB are really going all out with the special effects this year. The table task where they were floated high above the house in week one was brilliant, as were the robots last week. Anyway, the new housemates are this thus:

Andrew - geekazoid nerdboy. Unfortunate face. Seems sweet. A bit young for the house I think - or maybe I'm just too old. Be interesting to see the effect he has on the Ben-Mario dynamic.

Rachel - bubbly scouse. Out soon hopefully.

Keeley - oh Keeley, Keeley, Keeley. Keeley has serious control issues which will bring her into direct conflict with the increasingly annoying Ife. When Keeley is asked how old she is, she says, "Guess?" When they guess younger she takes this as read, reveals her actual age and follows it up with, "But I don't look that old, do I?". Has the social grace of Naomi Campbell.

Next out: Caiomhe
Final five: Josie, John James, Mario, Andrew, Ben.
To win: Josie

Big Brother (5 and 6/7/10)

2010-07-07T09:47:00.003Z

Well those predicted fireworks didn't take long to detonate. The last two nights of Big Brother have been dominated by fights between Ife, Caiomhe and Shabby - culminating in Shabby's leaving the compound last night.

It's good that Shabby's gone. She was childish, petulant, tantrumy, controlling. However in all of the fights over the last couple of days she has come out a darn sight better than Caiomhe, who seems to genuinely enjoy upsetting people and not showing any remorse for it. Like the prototypical mean girl - exactly what Ife accused the two of being when they made her feel embarrassed about dancing - Caiomhe depends on her gang for her power, so it will be interesting to see what happens now Shabby has gone. Shabby in this whole situation, to her credit, did show remorse. She's certainly not a bully, just a bit twatty.

Two interesting insights from nommos last night - tension between Ife and Ben (Ben accused her of not having a sense of humour - I think he's probably right), and FINALLY someone has noticed that it's not just that John James has a go at people for no good reason, but that those people are ALWAYS WOMEN. Oh yeah. John James just loves getting angry at the fairer sex. But you'd never see him going off at Nathan, or even Ben. The coward. Good on Steve for pointing that one out, and I hope he does so to his face soon.

Next to go: Nathan (whom I dislike after his intimidating behaviour last night)
Final five: Josie, Mario, Ben, Corin, Steve
To win: Josie (she really is emerging as a pretty special housemate)

Big Brother Third Eviction (2/7/10)

2010-07-03T11:20:00.003Z

So bloody Dave escapes the chop this week AGAIN - a fact he no doubt attributes to God's providence - while Sunshee-ine hits the BB buffers. Good. She was an annoying child at the family barbeque who...hang on, she wasn't even that, she was just an annoying child.

This is good news overall because it evens things out between the two house factions - the smokers vs. the non-smokers. How much things have changed since the first BB when housemates could happily puff away in any area of the house they damn well chose. Oh those heady, fumy days. This is a current cultural issue made manifest. How strange that idea of in-house smoking seems now, a mere ten years down the line, and how frequently since 2006 has the spatial segregation of smokers been a factor in group formation - both inside and outside the house?

Talking of groups, respect to Ife for continuing her interrogation of the motives of Shabby. As I noticed a long time ago, Shabby is an individual who has a great investment in groups. She is nothing without a gang. Ife, meanwhile, is a freethinker who ENJOYS thinking and who increasingly distances herself from the social confines of Shabby's sorority. Expect fireworks in the future.

J'ADORE LE FRERE GROSSE (29/6/10)

2010-06-30T15:00:00.004Z

And other bad Frencifying...

Ben, Ben, Ben.

BEN!!!!

I cannot get enough of Ben! From the non-stop name-dropping, to his celebrity-based self-analogies ("I can't help not smiling all the time. I'm quite Roger-Moore-like in that way") to the sheer CONCEIT of the man. He is definitely the star of the show.

It emerged that another two of my favourites detest each other during nommos last night. Corin accused Mario of going on about genitals all the time in her own inimitable fashion, saying of his threat to get his balls out, "I don't want pubic hair wafting around everywhere". Mario provided an unknowing riposte with the devastating comment upon Corin's conversational skills: "At the intellectual banquet of life, I'm left starving." Big Brother is suddenly full of wit and I LOVE IT!

Next out: Dave, Dave, please let it be Dave.
Final five: Ben, Corin, Nathan, John James, Steve.
To win: BEN!!!! (but that won't happen)

Big Brother (23/6/10)

2010-06-25T19:49:00.004Z

Just a quick note to report how massively impressed I was with Ife for having the courage to tell Shabby and Caiomhe (sp?) that she was "bored of our conversations" the other night. The two speedily and understandably turned on her after the rejection. "I was just being honest", Ife called out after them as they stomped into the garden. She later revealed in the diary room that the truth is that she can't stand Shabby's childish tantrums and so is distancing herself. She has risen in my estimation markedly.

And Ben. BEN??!!! What are you LIKE? Concluding the most obsequious story about Joan Collins EVER told with the punchline, "But then I got talking to Gloria Hunniford, and we became, like, semi-friends." If I saw your poor man's Ben Fogel visage simpering down at me to get some hack quote for the Telegraph social diary, I'd tell you to get lost too. Oh GOD, he's such a ninny. Please don't let him go tonight.

Next out: Dave, Ben
Final Five: Ife, Nathan, Corin, Mario, Steve
To win: Nathan, Corin

You just kept roiding me and roiding me (22/6/10)

2010-06-23T11:06:00.004Z

The reference, of course, is to John James' eppy fit at Josie a couple of nights ago which was the turning point in his BB career. In summary, he turned nasty on Josie after she teased him for too long, telling her she had a fat arse and terrible roots. Gasp! He revealed himself to be a very angry and insecure person, and a massive twat.

But the thing annoyed me most was in last night's programme when, in the garden, he claimed he would take any photographic magazine opportunities that came his way after Big Brother - EXACTLY the thing he wigged out at Rachael for last week. The HYPOCRISY! Maybe John James just has a problem with women. As Josie said the other night, "Rachael's gone, so it's my turn now is it?"

Big Brother (20/6/10)

2010-06-21T15:43:00.003Z

After an excellent first week, I am officially loving the new series of BB. Last night I was moved to laughter (Corin-induced), shock (Ife-induced) and tears (Steve-induced). Who, as the song goes, could ask for anything more?

Corin is emerging as a favourite for her BB2 Helenesque way with words and natural sweetness. Ife left me open mouthed when she divulged to Caimhoe (sp?) that Shabby had something to tell her (her fancy for the Irish beauty) in a manner worthy of any 12 year old. But I like Ife too. The thing with this year's housemates is that they actually seem like real people and approximate the innocence of the very earliest years of the programme. (I can't extend this praise to Shabby however, who seems aware of how to create storylines which will keep her in the house). This niceness might not bode well in the long term, though; every series needs a touch of Shahbazmatazz to keep the entertainment flowing.

And Rachael, goodbye. You will not be missed.