the herman letters

Post# 237 - Hey Nabisco - How About a Peanut Allergen-free Nutter Butter

2012-01-26T06:02:00.000-05:00

I sent this note to Nabisco on 9/5/2011: Dear Nabisco, I'm an enormous fan of Nutter Butter cookies. As with all things that I love, I obsess about them. One year I went to a Halloween party, dressed as a giant Nutter Butter. My girlfriend at the time, Nina, dressed as an E.L. Fudge, tried to remove my cookie coating, but that's a story for another day. The end result of that night was a love

Post# 236 - Audiovox Car Alarms and Their Sexist Slogan, "Stop Him!"

2012-01-21T06:02:00.002-05:00

My letter to Audiovox, sent 10/22/1996: Dear Audiovox, Your slogan, “Stop Him!” implies that only men steal cars. This misleading statement disarms people from the potential of falling victim to a female thief. As a psychologist who works in an all-woman half-way home, I rarely come in contact with other males. What if I told you that I inadvertently left my alarm off in the half-way home

Post# 235 - Kellogg: Lego My Eggo

2012-01-15T06:02:00.001-05:00

I sent this to Kellogg on 6/24/2011: Dear Eggo,Have you given any thought to a cross-promotion with the Lego Folk? I am proposing a “Lego-shaped Eggo”. Have one side "female" with tiny, buttery syrup-filling crevices, and the other side "male" with tiny "knobby nipples". They would taste like Eggo Waffles and contain the wonderful nutritional value of an Eggo Waffle, but they would look and

Post# 234 - War on Celiac: Kellogg and Gluten Free Cereal Round 2

2012-01-10T06:01:00.002-05:00

Last year, I sent a letter to Kellogg regarding their lack of presence in the gluten-free arena. The feedback was non-committal. I sent this to Kellogg on 7/15/2011 after reading the press release below. ------------------------------- Part of Press Release, May 11, 2001: “Kellogg is pleased to announce plans for the launch of our first-ever gluten-free cereal – Rice Krispies® Gluten Free –

Post# 233 - Frito Lay Ruffles and the Bearded Chip

2012-01-04T06:01:00.002-05:00

I found an unusual chip. I sent the note below to Frito Lay on 7/17/2011: Dear Ruffles, As a traveling shoe salesman, I rarely get a hot meal. I rely on snacks and lots of foods that have a long shelf life. Jerky, peanuts and crackers fill my day. I eat dried apples and figs for roughage. As a latenight snack, I look forward to Ruffles Brand Potato Chips. Years ago, a friend advised me to

Post# 232 - BIC: Your Pen Leaked on My Pants!

2011-12-30T06:02:00.000-05:00

True story: a Bic Pen leaked in the pocket of my beige khakis. The ink seeped through the pocket. I sent this letter on 1/10/1996: Dear BIC: I am a loyal BIC Classic Stic user--I love the contour of the shaft, and the way the ink flows with such consistency. Others criticize me, saying “You need one of them fancy pens--the ones that write upside down in a rocket ship.” I fire back “I am

Post# 231 - Energizer: Why Did You Get Rid of the Little Power Indicator Thing?

2011-12-22T06:01:00.001-05:00

This is part two of a two-part experiment. Rival companies, the same complaint raised with each. Will they reply in the same manner? The issue is, back in the late 1990's, both Duracell and Energizer had a neat little power meter on the side of their batteries to show how much power is left. The user would place his fingers on dots on either side of the meter, and some portion of the "power

Post# 230 - Duracell: Why'd You Do Away With That Little Power Indicator Thing

2011-12-18T06:01:00.004-05:00

This is part one of a two-part experiment. Rival companies, the same complaint raised with each. Will they reply in the same manner? The issue is, back in the late 1990's, both Duracell and Energizer had a neat little power meter on the side of their batteries to show how much power is left. The user would place his or her fingers on dots on either side of the meter, and some portion of the "

Post# 229 - Late Show With David Letterman: My Attempt to Get On Stupid Pet Tricks

2011-12-13T06:01:00.002-05:00

I sent this to Dave's staff on 4/19/1998: Dear Mr. Letterman, I am writing to propose what I believe is a marquee feature for your next installation of “Stupid Pet Tricks.” I present to you “Singing Chester, the Hang Gliding Monkey.” Chester is a five-year-old which I rescued from a burning building, while working as a volunteer fireman. My intention was to return this lost primate to its

Post# 228 - Hasbro Hungry Hungry Hippos and The Undersized Box

2011-12-07T06:02:00.001-05:00

After buying this and putting it together for my kids, I realized that it doesn't go back in the box. With tiny plastic marbles, why would anyone want that convenience? I sent this on 12/26/2006: To Whom It May Concern: After Santa delivered us Hungry Hungry Hippos, I assembled it according to your instructions. My daughter, Jill, son, Joe, wife, Holly, and I played all night. What fun! At

Post# 226 - Rally's Hamburgers: Let's Introduce the OtterBurger

2011-11-27T06:02:00.003-05:00

Below is a note from Herman Letters Staffer Larry Barnowski, sent on January 28, 1998 to Mr. James Gillespie, CEO of Rally's Hamburgers, Inc. It was sent with a small sample of some mystery meat.----------------------- Dear Mr. Gillespie, I don’t get along with people. They anger me with their fancy-shmantzy cars, electricity, and indoor plumbing. I feel more comfortable on my own, in the wild

Post# 225 - Olga's: Stop Making Peasant Soup!! Peasants Are People Too! - 9/5/2011

2011-11-22T06:01:00.000-05:00

Dear Olga's, I've seen it all in my 93 years. The Great War, the Depression, World War II, Korea, Vietnam, Grenada, Desert Storm, these new wars that I can't even name. Throw in the Jackson's Victory Tour, and that's a lifetime. Then, I learn that Olga's serves Peasant Soup. Listen, I've made all kinds of soups--chicken soup, turkey soup, ham soup, pea soup, vegetable soup, tomato soup,

Post# 224 - Save-A-Deer: My Deer-Repelling Car Whistle Seems To Be Not Working - 6/24/2011

2011-11-16T06:02:00.012-05:00

Dear Save-A-Deer,As someone who frequently drives up and down the windy roads of deer-inhabited wilderness, I have had some close calls with deer. You see, I deliver transplant organs, serving as the “last leg in the relay”, from the airport to the hospital. I dodge deer, probably once a week.I had seen advertisements for your product, a whistle that would attach to the front of my car,

Post# 223 - My Ongoing Dialogue with the Detroit Tigers Part 2 of 2

2011-11-11T06:02:00.002-05:00

This is Part II of my ongoing dialogue with the Detroit Tigers. Part I is .HERE ------------------------------ Sent: 05/31/2011 02:15 PM ASTSubject: RE: Next weekend Hey Ron, It's been a little while. From what I heard, the Opening Day Sparky tribute was very nice. I wasn't sure if that was your "baby". I hope all is well with you. Thanks, Jerry (XXX) XXX- XXXX -----------------------

Post# 222 - My Ongoing Dialogue with the Detroit Tigers Part 1 of 2

2011-11-05T06:01:00.002-04:00

The Sparky Anderson number retirement has always been, for me, a hot topic. It all started on Sparky Anderson Day at Comerica Park in 2000. They let him ride around the park in a car, and he waved to the fans. It should've happened then. When Tom Wilson joined the team, I sent this note. No reply. Then, VP of Communications, Ron Colangelo and I had this exchange, where Ron stated that they

Post# 221 - Starbucks Coffee and Their Pumpkin Spice Lattes

2011-10-30T06:01:00.015-04:00

Dear Starbucks, As I entered one of your stores today, I smelled it. Pumpkin Spice Lattes. I looked at my calendar. Halloween is 54 days away. I believe strongly that every pumpkin deserves it's fair chance at being a Jack o' Lantern. If the pumpkin isn't "ready" on October 31st, well that's fair. But you took those pumpkins out of the running for Jack o' Lantern over seven weeks early.

Post# 220 - Genie: How About a Breadbox Garage Opener

2011-10-23T06:02:00.000-04:00

I sent this to Genie on 10/2/2011: Dear Genie, As a homespace organizer, I am always looking for ways to optimize space and make life more convenient for my customers. I add shelving and hangerspace in closets. I install multimedia entertainment systems to tastefully contain television, cable box, gaming consoles and peripherals, and computer accessories. In my tri-county area, I am a

Post# 219 - Skippy Natural Peanut Butter: Not-So-Natural - 7/29/2010

2011-10-18T06:01:00.004-04:00

I sent this to Skippy Peanut Butter on 7/29/2010: Dear Skippy, When I was a boy, I spent my summers on my Grandpa’s peanut farm in lovely Georgia. We would work hard—really, really hard, all day. We’d be up at 4:30, breaking for a big lunch at 11:00, and working right up until dusk. At night, we’d sit on the porch. Grandpa would tell stories about how simple the world used to be, and how much

Post# 218 - Mountain Dew Pitch Black: The Can Is Mostly Empty - 6/30/2011

2011-10-12T06:02:00.003-04:00

Dear Pepsi Folk,When I purchased a twelve pack of your “Mountain Dew Pitch Black,” my daughter was with me. Jane is too young to remember the last time this wonderfully grape-flavored Mountain Dew hit the market. With Jane being a “Mountain Dew Superfan,” I promised to save her one. You see, I drive a rig across the country. I rely on your caffeinated beverages to keep me on the road, and to

Post# 217 - War on Spam - Textile and the Polar Bear Who Bit My Ass

2011-10-07T06:01:00.003-04:00

Date: Thu, 13 May 2010 00:48:07 +0800 From: caosnimachzh41hua@msn.com Subject: textile manufacture introduction Dear Sir, Pls allow me to introduce our factory in China again. We produce all kinds of fleece blankets and 100% polyester voile and organza curtain,coral fleece bathrobes,fleece jackets,kitchen products and other hometextile and garments.We do more than 10 millons US dollars

Post# 227 - KY Yours + Mine Lube: What About "Yours + Yours" and "Mine + Mine?":- 8/22/2011

2011-10-02T06:02:00.000-04:00

Dear KY, As the owner of a pharmacy, I stock my shelves with everything from baby wipes to cereal, hairspray to ace bandages. I even have what we call the "awkward isle," which includes enema apparatus, tampons, and contraceptives. Your products move quite well--I often need to increase my orders, especially around prom, the annual hoedown barn dance , and when Michael Buble's tour rolls

Post# 216 - Victoria's Secrets - Half Off Everything Catalog

2011-10-01T06:01:00.003-04:00

Herman Letters Staffer, Larry Barnowski wrote this letter to Ms. Cynthia Fedus, President and CEO, Victoria's Secret Catalogue, sent 3/20/1998: Dear Ms. Fedus, As a loving husband and father, I must praise you for your fine products and catalogues. I can attribute at least six of my eight children to your lingerie products. As a Marketing Specialist at one of your competitors, I know the

Post# 215 - The Miller Lite Vortex Colonic

2011-09-23T11:01:00.002-04:00

I sent this to MillerCoors on 8/7/2011: Dear Miller Brewing, As the owner of a struggling coffee house, I hate seeing unused coffee go to waste. I have attempted to add a colonic business. Our motto is "Mac's Coffee and Colonics: Coffee In, Coffee Out." We get significant drive-up business on Monday through Friday, 6 to 9 AM. The colonic business is hit and miss--lots of appointments from

Post# 214 - Starbucks: The Cup Doesn't Exactly Runneth Over

2011-09-19T06:02:00.005-04:00

Dear Starbucks, On the way to work today, I stopped for my daily fix. I was in a rush, so I went through the drive thru. Normally, I like to go into the store—I enjoy the aromas, ambiance, Barristas, and the fellas with their sideburns, hemp ware, and laptops. I ordered a venti skinny caramel macchiato. I pulled around and plunked down my $4.40. The women graciously handed me my beverage

Post# 213 - CNN: Stationing Reporters in the Paths of Hurricanes Is Irresponsible

2011-09-14T06:12:00.003-04:00

I sent this during the height of Hurricane Irene, on 8/27/2011: Dear CNN, I've decided to boycott your coverage of hurricane season this year. I feel that it's wrong of you to throw reporters out there on harms way as deadly hurricanes pass by them. You do this every year. You pick these brave (stupid?) people who are trying to climb their way into anchor jobs so they can stand out there and