Team Secret Falcon

10 Famous People from Columbus, OH...

2012-01-16T14:24:00.000-05:00

the city of columbus is a wonderful midwestern place to call home. it attracts a wide variety of people from all over the world, and has been the capital of ohio since at least 1981, which is the year i was born.

over the years, columbus has produced many great leaders of this country. when thinking of them, these are the top ten that jump immediately to mind.

TEN FAMOUS PEOPLE FROM COLUMBUS, OH...

1 - Archie Griffin

one of the greatest college football players of all-time, archie griffin is the only person in the history of the sport to win two heisman trophies.

2 - Jack Hanna

jack hanna is one of the most notable animal experts in the united states, and has been the director of the columbus zoo and aquarium since 1978.

3 - Archie Griffin

archie griffin is the only man to win the elusive "double" heisman trophy, which is winning a heisman trophy twice.

4 - Jack Hanna

jack hanna was born in columbus in 1947, and grew up around the various exhibits at the columbus zoo and aquarium. after graduating from animal college in 1965, he became president of the zoo and has been living there ever since.

5 - Archie Griffin

archie griffin was born in columbus 1954, and worked as a day laborer for the hore-shew construction company, which built ohio stadium in 1998.

6 - Jack Hanna

jack hanna is a guy that was on the john carson show in the 80s, which i think was a TV show about the complex relationships of a fat guy and a skinny guy sitting on various gold couches.

7 - Archie Griffin

archie griffin was the mayor of columbus in the 1990s, which is probably why a lot of people blame him for ameriflora 92.

8 - Jack Hanna

jack hanna goes by the nickname "jungle jack", which mainly has to do with the fact that he can speak to animals, and almost all animals come from the jungle.

9 - Archie Griphin

archie griffin is a local celebrity from columbus, and is in charge of laughing and smiling a lot whenever brent musburger needs to interview anyone associated with ohio state university.

10 - Chack Hanna

jack hanna was the name of a famous pilot from columbus who used to go by the nickname "frank" but people called him "tiger" and he is dead now.

neither chack hanna or archie griphin were born in columbus.

Problems at The University of Michigan...

2011-12-30T07:31:00.001-05:00

as the michigan wolverines head into the least interesting bcs bowl game in recent memory, many fans of the maize and blue are left wondering what their new head coach can do to turn the ship around and compete for big ten / national championships in the coming seasons. no longer the best football program even in their own state, its an uphill battle for brady hoke and those lovable losers from ann arbor.

there are many bumps in the road awaiting michigan on their path back to relevance. below, team secret falcon will name a few of the most obvious stumbling blocks.

REASONS WHY BRADY HOKE COULD FAIL AS HEAD COACH AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN

10. donuts
9. philly cheese steaks
8. king size snickers bars
7. mcdonalds dollar menu
6. whole milk
5. stuffed crust pizza
4. curbside food vendors
3. triple cheeseburgers
2. bacon
1. urban meyer

BIGGEST OBSTACLES BETWEEN THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN AND THEIR FIRST UNSHARED NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP SINCE 1902

10. french fries
9. general tso's chicken
8. chicken fingers
7. pancakes
6. dairy queen ice cream cake
5. cupcakes
4. waffle house
3. international house of pancakes
2. sour cream potato chips
1. urban meyer

POTENTIAL FOOTBALL RELATED ISSUES THAT MUST BE OVERCOME AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN

10. taco salad
9. milkshakes
8. cheesy gordita crunch
7. double big macs
6. cinnabon
5. hot dogs
4. eggnog
3. corn chips
2. cookie shaped birthday cake
1. urban meyer

OBVIOUS CONCERNS WITH THE OFFENSE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN

10. lunchables
9. olive garden never ending pasta bowl
8. honey mustard
7. KFC
6. bloomin' onions
5. fried macaroni and cheese
4. chipotle
3. nachos bell grande
2. bagel bites
1. urban meyer

POTENTIAL DISASTERS WITH THE DEFENSE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN

10. hometown buffet
9. biscuits and gravy
8. mayonnaise
7. chips and dip
6. unused cake batter
5. large blocks of cheese
4. chicken and ranch calzones
3. deep fried pickles
2. pie
1. urban meyer

postscript - the exclusion of ranch dressing was done intentionally, as listing it as an issue seemed far too obvious.

State of The Union...

2011-12-29T10:09:00.002-05:00

my fellow americans,

as the last few days of 2011 pass quickly by, life is without question more complicated than ever.

gas prices are high. unemployment threatens the lives of millions of americans. the harsh winter temperatures threaten many families without a working furnace. adam levine and his unbearable high-pitched screechy muppet voice is featured in almost every top 40 hit on the radio.

people longingly look to their elected officials for answers, only to find in-fighting among republicans and democrats pushing our government into a painfully long era of puffy-chest filibustering and pissing contests. meanwhile in the real world, children go hungry, sick people dont get the help they need, and brady hoke can barely afford to maintain his strict 30,000 calorie per day diet that keeps him morbidly obese and sweaty.

americans eagerly anticipate the coming year, in hopes that 2012 will be the turning point in our fight to climb out of the recession caused by the collapse of the housing market in 2008. republican hopefuls for novembers presidential election try to separate themselves from their competition, as newt gingrich perfects his "im smarter than all of you" stink-face routine, mitt romney tries desperately to be less good-looking (not possible), and rick perry commits to hating homosexuals with the fire of a thousand suns so long as they continue to breathe his delicious christian-only oxygen. meanwhile, president obama continues to smoke cigarettes, play basketball, and ignore my pleas for a law requiring the spice girls to tour the metro-columbus area several times a year.

the sports world has faced a lockout in both the NFL and NBA, causing americans to be threatened with the prospect of watching hockey, which left everyone outside of michigan and minnesota scared and drunk on hooch. the country collectively breathed a sigh of relief when both leagues signed deals to avoid a major work stoppage which would have led to canada flexing their muscles as a real country, as opposed to a small group of lunatics in winter hats that have been screaming "MIKE MYERS WAS BORN HERE" since early 1992.

in october, an exotic animal collector in ohio let hundreds of deadly creatures loose and then committed suicide. sadly, much to the chagrin of people in columbus, the animals did not maim and savagely murder all of those embarrassing rednecks in zanesville. in fact, only the animals died - which would be fine if they were cows or pigs or some other animal that is okay to torture and then eat, but because they were things that someone might see in a zoo, white people everywhere were appalled.

and thats pretty much everything thats going on in the country, as far as i know.

Black Dudes > White Nerds...

2011-12-20T08:39:00.000-05:00

recently here in the office, we've been listening to an ultra-sweet contemporary music internet radio station, and here is what i have learned thus far. adele is so hot right now, and is shockingly a white person.

i remember when i first heard adele, when she was doing that one song with kanye west where she sings about traveling to america and he talks over music about how he is equally as f*#king sweet even when in great britain and wearing a pea coat. i thought to myself, "this adele girl is fairly awesome, assuming of course that she is a hip black chick and not some stupid white nerd". it was a more innocent time in my life.

now that we know that everything adele says is out of touch with the streets and therefore irrelevant, i think its time to reexamine our artists on a broader scale, just to make sure that everything is on the up and up and none of them are white people.

MAKING SURE THAT ALL THE PEOPLE I ENJOY PAYING ATTENTION TO ARE BLACK PEOPLE, JUST AS GOD INTENDED IT

aretha franklin
confirmed african-american
without question the greatest singer in the history of pop music, aretha franklin was born in memphis and was moved by her family to detroit at an early age. i was going to voyage into an in-depth internet search to make sure she wasnt some white goober, but then i realized that white people wisely havent been allowed in detroit in roughly 84 years.

fred durst
confirmed white nerd
fred durst found mainstream success in the late 1990s with a rouge group of talent-less buttholes calling themselves "limp biscuit", which was equally as offensive to the senses as it sounds. instead of being known for his accomplishments or musical proficiency, the Y2K mtv generation came to accurately know him as "that douchebag who wears a red hat."

michael dorn
confirmed african-american
everything michael dorn touches turns to gold plated gold. his first movie role was in a little motion picture called "rocky", which everyone knows would have sucked balls if not for michael dorn stealing the show as apollo creed's uncredited bodyguard. he spent the 80s starring as officer jebediah turner in CHIPs, which is a role that probably won him somewhere between 12 and 17 emmys. he then put the acting community on its ass when he starred as the badass klingon worf in star trek the next generation, star trek deep space nine, and various star trek major motion pictures. he was also in the films santa clause 2 and santa clause 3, which earned over 900 million dollars at the box office combined. definitely not a white guy.

kim kardashian
50% white nerd, 0% african-american
ever since the dawn of kim kardashian's fame in 2008, people have been trying to figure out just what in the hell she is. recently science has confirmed that she is 50% white nerd, and 50% something called "armenian" which has yet to be confirmed as even being a real thing.

darius rucker
confirmed african-american
if it werent for darius rucker's hootie and the blowfish, it is likely that blues traveler would have swept the 1995 mtv music awards, which is something that would have obviously sent this nation into a tailspin from which we probably never would have recovered. run on sentences aside, darius is now a successful country music singer, which is something no black man had ever done before. or maybe someone had. science is presently unsure, as no one with an IQ above 6 listens to country music.

ben rothlisberger
confirmed white nerd / white rapist
not many NFL quarterbacks have multiple sexual assaults to go along with their multiple super bowl rings. ben rothlisberger basically invented this exclusive club, so say what you will about him, but he's a trailblazer. in a rapey kind of way. white guys.

denzel washington
confirmed african-american
one of the few actors in hollywood who is on-par with michael dorn, denzel washington is the black equivalent of christopher walken, except he's not creepy looking and frail. aside from their unarguable level of dorky nerdiness, the worst thing about white people is how completely gross they look once they get old. black guys are like, "nah, i'll just shave my head and look awesome until i die." denzel is definitely not a white person, and is therefore awesome.

deathcab for cutie
confirmed as entirely white people
not only is each horrific member of deathcab for cutie a white person, but the only people on the planet who willingly listen to their verbal bloodvomit are the filthy disgusting hipster buttlickers you see bee-bopping around the gallery hop, farting into wine glasses and congratulating their friends on driving a prius. 99% of deathcab fans are allergic to a jimi hendrix guitar riff, a carter beauford drum fill, or a billy preston keyboard jaunt.

final score
awesome black people 4
white nerds 0

Nice Holiday Tips...

2011-12-12T12:29:00.003-05:00

holidays are a time of great holiday spirit and good holiday cheer. nice stuff and delicious things are everywhere you look, and if you listen close, you can hear great sounds of nice people and friendly guys.

to get you in the great holiday spirit, fun things are everywhere. eating good food brings everyone together, and children unwrapping good presents makes people smile and feel nice. holiday sweaters make you remember reindeer and santa. making a great snowman tells you that the nice holiday season is a time for love.

friends eating meals takes you to warm houses and making a christmas tree is a nice way for good people to be happy.

listening to happy music about cold snow and great songs is a nice way to remind children that fun holidays are near. good will towards all men is a happy thing to do for everyone. candied canes and good for presents and smiles.

happy holidays from teams secret falcons.

Rick Perry...

2011-12-09T09:13:00.007-05:00

earlier this week, my mother openly talked smack about natalie imbruglia's "torn" on facebook. just as a heads up, the next time you speak poorly of "torn" will be your last, dear mother.

i dont make threats. i tell you things that are going to happen.

now that the vicious and violent portion of this blog entry is out of the way, id like to get down to the meat of todays entry, which i like to call "people i want to see fall out of an airplane".

PEOPLE I WANT TO SEE FALL OUT OF AN AIRPLANE

it is a known fact that i am done voting for republicans for the rest of my life. sorry, GOP, but if you put a candidate in front of me like rick perry who says things like "theres something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military, but our kids cant openly celebrate christmas or pray in school" you lose my vote for the rest of my life.

usually i go out of my way to not use profanity on team secret falcon or talk about politics in a serious manner, but i believe this is a time where both are completely necessary.

rick perry, you are an ignorant, backwoods, hillbilly shithead.

in what country to do you live? im curious, because i live in america where children, grownups, the elderly, lizards, golden retrievers, cartoon characters, and stupid idiot rednecks alike are allowed to celebrate any religious holiday they want - including christmas. i cant remember the last time i was putting up my christmas tree and the police broke down my door and killed my kids because they were celebrating the birth of christ. does this happen to you? does it?

and what do gays in the military or obamas alleged "war on religion" have to do with anything? seriously, you oblivious right-wing drunken asshole, i want to know. the only reason you could possibly mention gays in the military in your message would be to pander to the other insane extremest christian douchebags out there who are giving the rest of us a bad name. and if you associate yourself with those blind hate-mongering lunatics, well, fuck you.

and dont give me this shit about homosexuality being an abomination. first off, keep your religion out of MY government. it has zero place in the policies we put in place to govern our citizens. secondly, the god i know doesnt hate any person, place, or thing. the god i know is pure, flawless, clear and beautiful love. no hatred. for anyone. and if you put policies in place that promote inequality in gods name, well, fuck you even more.

it would be one thing if you were stupid. like, if you were mentally challenged and you believed in this hate-speech, i would understand. because it wouldnt be your fault. your mental capacity would limit you from fully understanding basic human rights. it would be a shame, but diminished mental capacity isnt something you can do anything about. but i believe that you are an intelligent individual, which makes your stances and beliefs pure and unadulterated absurdity based on ignorance, and ignorance alone. which makes you a dickface.

the saddest part about this isnt that you are a moron, and it isnt that you are stuck in some antiquated era where it is okay to keep basic human rights from people just because you think it somehow interferes with some of your dogmatic religious bullshit nonsense. the saddest part is that you actually have a platform, and that people listen to you. people like you are the reason racism, sexism, and most other isms and inequalities exist. which makes you even more of a dickface, you dickface.

ultimately what i say on this blog, along with my vote for president or any other elected office, doesnt matter. im just one voice heard by very few. you arent. you are one voice heard by millions and you choose to take that opportunity and responsibility to sling hateful, idiotic, hurtful, unenlightened, old-fashioned and obsolete rhetoric that a majority of the country disagrees with. which doesnt make you simply a dickface, it makes you a clueless dickface of the highest degree and order.

i think i speak for most of america (and the civilized world) when i say that rick perry needs to fall out of an airplane. parachute or no parachute, doesnt matter to me. i just want to see your archaic stupid ass come back down to earth a little bit.

my name is morgan hughes, and i approve this message.

The Scandals of 2011...

2011-11-10T09:24:00.001-05:00

as a red-blooded american male who enjoys nice things and hates mean stuff, i am outraged at the latest scandal brought on by those who dont respect the "dont be a dickface" mantra by which i live. the hopes and dreams of people on december 31st, 2010, as they sipped their champagne and kissed their lovers / second cousins at the stroke of midnight, have given way to the unbridled disgrace and lunacy currently running amok over both our country and undeserved sense of societal superiority.

and if theres one thing americans hate more than anything else, its the sudden shock of realizing that we arent the most morally evolved society this planet has ever produced. QUICK SOMEONE PASS A LAW INVOLVING GOD IN OUR NATIONS OFFICIAL MOTTO.

whew, that was close.

the year of the american scandal began in tragic fashion on january 1st, when estonia adopted the euro currency and became the seventeenth eurozone country. americans everywhere hung their head in shame, as the positive press regarding estonia forced us to admit that the only thing we ever really knew about estonia was that brendan frasier pretended to be from there in the movie "encino man", when in fact he was simply an unfrozen caveman thawed about by sean astin and pauly shore while digging a pool in sean astins backyard in hopes of impressing robin on the night of senior prom. an embarrassment the american people would have to deal with for months and months to come.

on april 29th, prince william and and catherine middleton were married at westminster abbey, which is presumably a park or some sort of field somewhere across one of the hundreds of oceans that border north america. meanwhile, stateside, millions of americans took the day off of work to take in the festivities. the scandal hit a fever pitch in the 12th hour of wedding coverage, when americans realized they had gone an entire half of a day without watching a NASCAR race.

may 1st brought yet more shame on the US, as president obama confirmed that american forces had found and killed osama bin laden. americans everywhere took to the facebook, either proclaiming their excitement that the founder of al-qaeda had been killed, or their disgust that people were actually celebrating the loss of a human life. lost in all of the hullabaloo was the most important fact of all, which is that if you get into a political conversation on facebook, you are a douchebag.

on may 26th, former bosnian serb army commander ratko mladic, wanted for genocide, war crimes, and crimes against humanity, was arrested in serbia. on may 27th, MSNBC reported that ratko mladic had won the NBA finals MVP award, confusing the mass murderer for the star of the dallas mavericks, dirk nowitzki. americans everywhere felt the sting of disgrace when no one noticed.

may 31st brought americans to the deepest depths of their shame to date, as the band "deathcab for cutie" released their seventh studio album, "codes and keys", which has been confirmed by scientists at harvard as being the musical equivalent of an earthquake that kills a hospital full of newborn babies.

on october 31st, the global population reached seven billion people. of the seven billion, only 2% have seen "troop beverly hills", which is the apex of shelly longs acting career - including cheers. throw in a powerful performance by craig t nelson, a young tori spelling, a racist drunken cameo by cheech martin, an inspired kellie martin at her peak, and kareem abdul-jabars best performance since "airplane", and you have the recipe for a maddening scandal on a global scale from which we may never recover.

heal the world.

How To Write For Team Secret Falcon...

2011-10-21T10:13:00.002-04:00

lets be honest, kids. we are all human beings. no matter your intelligence level, height, weight, skin color, or genetic lineage, we all need inspiration every now and then. youre probably thinking to yourself, "but morgan, everything you write and everything you do and everything you say is so hilarious and packed full of valuable wisdom, and even though you have traces of adult acne youre so good at basketball and you have the cutest dog in the world. how could you possibly relate to the rest of us who, in comparison, arent funny at all and suck at basketball and have a far less adorable dog yet far clearer skin?"

youre probably thinking all of that right now.

yeah, i'll admit it. inspiration comes far easier for me than most people, and i am really awesome at basketball and my dog is at least fifteen times cuter than your dog (or children) and i get at least three zits on my face every time im going to a wedding or some other function where people will be taking my picture and putting it on facebook. some things you just cant argue with, and sometimes being humble is unnecessary.

in order to better understand the process of putting together an extremely hilarious team secret falcon blog, i will take you through the process of writing an extremely hilarious team secret falcon blog, step by step.

HOW TO WRITE FOR TEAM SECRET FALCON

1) wake up in the morning feeling confident and strong. get out of bed and look at yourself in the mirror. good lord, you are devastatingly good looking. talent runs through your veins, and machismo freely spills out of every pore on your hot body. grab your ax and pump out an aggressive electric guitar solo before getting in the shower.

2) get dressed for work, wearing roughly the same outfit you wear monday through friday, each and every work week. if its working for you, why change it up? youve been inspiring men and smoking hot babes for as long as your can remember. if it aint broke, dont fix it.

3) hop in your early 90s four door luxury vehicle, and head to the office. on your way, shoot your next door neighbor a look thats like, "BITCH DONT TOUCH MY TRASH CAN."

4) stroll into the office a few minutes late, just to remind everyone that youre definitely too talented to be wasting your life away in this hellhole of a glorified litter box. a used needle dangling from your arm will remind everyone that you are just here for the paycheck, and not to make friends.

5) grab a coffee mug and pour a nice hot cup of joe. take coffee and pour it out on the floor. refill mug with a 50/50 mix of gin and vodka. you arent going to be awesome enough to write for team secret falcon unless you are a little drunk. or a lot drunk. it would help to be a lot drunk.

6) lets be honest. a smoking hot office babe is going to roll up to your cubicle at some point. when she does, make sure you are using one of those resistance hand exerciser grip things. chicks love dudes who are all swollen from working out. youre already going to be wearing your affliction shirt and TAPOUT hat, so she's pretty much in the bag.

7) at lunch, go down to the scioto river and feed the ducks. SHIT YOU KNOW DUCKS ALWAYS BE HUNGRY.

8) on your way back to the office, urinate in the parking lot of a retirement home. upon completion, do the icky shuffle.

9) at this point in the day, your lack of work is likely going to anger your boss. its not your fault he's cranky though, so dont take out your frustrations on him. he is a new dad, his baby has jaundice (a real baby disease) and he hasnt gotten any sleep recently due to all of the crying. leave the office, go to his house, and shake that baby until it stops crying. at this point you'll probably get a promotion, or at least a raise. or a plaque or something. best baby shaker.

10) cocaine.

11) compose blog entry.

Inspirational Poetry...

2011-10-07T10:02:00.003-04:00

ever since i can remember, ive been an extremely talented poet. and im talking like, really, really talented. ive been published on the internet on various websites (this blog and maybe somewhere else, but probably not) and a few books in the upper arlington public library that i wrote in the back of with a sharpie.

luckily for you and yours, im feeling exceedingly inspired today.

time for some inspirational poetry, brought to you by team secret falcon...

INSPIRATIONAL POETRY...

The Internette
computers are machines
that can think for themselves
and do other things involving technology
they are good for making yourself good at school
and they can help you search alta vista
but what they are best at
is downloading hot barnyard animal porn
because you never know how beautiful
a goats anus is
until you see it for yourself

My Friend Paul
when i was a young child
i had a friend named paul
he was good at sports
and had all the new nintendo games
he kinda looked like bradley cooper
if bradley cooper was a child in the 80s
paul was really smart
and got good grades
and people really liked him
which is why i didnt feel all that bad
when he got hit by a bus
and died

Technology
a phone is a device in your house
that you can have
and it lets you hear people
and what they say
into their phones at their house
but if you have a phone in your car
its called a car phone
and they are really expensive

Brandon
my friend brandon was adopted
his birth mother was an 18 year old prostitute
now he lives in cleveland
and he has a nice family
but everyone hates him
because he was born out of wedlock
and that is DISGUSTING

America
doctors and nurses all agree
its important to drink 10 glasses of water a day
which is equivalent to about 12 fluid ounces
science has proven
that peppermint schnapps is 93% water
happy 4th of july

Chris Bergh
my friend chris texted me last night
and said that i should bring back
the beer pong website i made when i was 19
only bring it back on my blog
sorry chris
you cant put a website in a blog
thats not how the internet works

Jersey Shore / Arena District
i hate it when im at the club
having a good time
KILLING IT on the dance floor
waving around those sparkler things
getting some girls to come home with me
and then some bro starts looking at me
DONT LOOK AT ME BRO
YOU DONT KNOW WHO I AM
then hes all
YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME
STEP OFF BRO
so im like
COME AT ME BRO
COME AT ME
and then he takes he shirt off
which is super gay
so i take my shirt off
which means im ready to fight

College Football Musings: Week Five...

2011-09-30T13:13:00.000-04:00

as week five of the college football season draws near, its time to take a look back on what we know after most teams across the land have played four games.

as usual, if this blog entry is sub-par, i blame those filthy native americans who had the nerve to live on our land before we knew we wanted it or that it existed.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL IS NICE AND GOOD

* both ohio state and michigan state enter saturdays game as squads who have beaten three crap teams, and have embarrassingly lost to the only team they have played with a pulse. michigan state is currently ranked, while ohio state is not. when asked about his teams chances on saturday, and in the big ten race in general, mark dantonio scowled at the person asking the question, who immediately began to pee down their leg.

* while dantonio continues to be a badass who should be coaching the buckeyes, luke fickell said at his press conference on monday that his secret to success on saturday is using all of the timeouts he had saved from the game against miami (fl) to confuse and distract the spartans. meanwhile, somewhere in columbus, mike vrabel just had a rage-induced aneurysm.

* i think a good business plan would be to provide people with things that they want but they dont have, and then charge them more more for that thing than what you paid to acquire it. its odd to me that no one does that yet.

* michigan is currently 4-0 after beating the powerhouses of eastern michigan, western michigan, san diego state, and needing a last second hail mary miracle to beat notre dame. with a game this weekend against minnesota, they look to move to 5-0 before their customary middle-to-late-season crapping of their own pants. said head coach brady hoke when asked of his teams chances down the stretch, "COOOOOOKIES!!!!!!"

he is fat.

* being a good person ultimately comes down to the mastery of the following principles.

1) always say "please" and "thank you"
2) be nice to old people.
3) dont make fun of my fashion sense.
4) understand that local music artists are completely terrible, because if were any good they would be famous, rich, and not living in columbus, ohio.
5) a bad chocolate chip cookie is better than the most delicious fruit or vegetable on earth.
6) if people from south america are so trustworthy, why arent you friends with any?
7) if john lennon is a better songwriter than paul mccartney, why hasnt he written a hit song since like 1980?
8) always tell the truth, say your prayers, hold doors, pull out chairs, easy on the swears. if you know what this means, we are probably already best friends.

if i could pause for a second and bestow this line from "just the two of us" by will smith circa 1997, that would be great.

"its a full-time job tryin' to be a good dad - you got so much more stuff than i had. a hundred one dalmations on your CD-rom, see me i'm tryin' to pretend i know, on dat PC where dat CD goes. but yo, aint nothin promised, one day i'll be gone."

i love this for various reasons, but the biggest one being that hes like "oh man, technology is crazy. its weird how you understand it so easily as a child, whereas me, as an adult, i'm having serious issues figuring it out. and just so you know, someday i'm going to die."

and back in 1997, no one, including will smith himself, had any idea that one day that child he was singing to, jaden smith, would take a hot diarrhea dump on the karate kid franchise.

* seriously, i started this entry out with about 10-15 things to say about college football. i cant remember any of them now, aside from the fact that i am convinced the buckeyes are going to lose their next four games in a row. michigan state, nebraska, illinois, wisconsin. i would love to be wrong, and i frequently am. but not that often.

* im gonna go listen to more "big willy style" now.

blame the native americans.

How To Make Chocolate Chip Cookies...

2011-09-27T10:23:00.001-04:00

thanks to my years spent as a female house slave in rural alabama in the early 1840's, im a pretty decent cook. you need a sandwich? i got you covered. homemade organic pizza? but of course. tossed salad? HELLO SAILOR!

but the thing i specialize in most is making delicious, hot, melt-in-your-mouth chocolate chip cookies.

sit back and allow yourself to be taken on a culinary voyage the likes of which you have never even contemplated, courtesy of team secret falcon.

HOW TO MAKE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES...

* before we get started, lets just assume that everyone knows that people with blond hair and blue eyes are the product of a camp fire having intercourse with the devil, and that they have no soul and will be burning in the deepest depths of hell for all of eternity.

* first, lay out your ingredients. youll need eggs, flour, brown sugar, milk, water, chocolate chips, vanilla extract, a bottle of wine, bleach, a large hunting knife, a blindfold, cigarettes, a cow bladder, eye of newt, a DVD of "my two dads" season 2, and some strong rope, just in case that neighbor boy decides to stop by.

* preheat the oven to 400 degrees. while its warming up, call your daughter while shes at school and tell her shes adopted. even if shes not, its about time she understands that youve never really loved her.

* make sure you have a non-stick cookie sheet. using a normal cookie sheet will cause the bottom of your cookies to come out burnt, and people will finally realize that you dont have cold sores after all. its full-blown genital herpes. on your mouth.

* combine the ingredients in a large mixing bowl, stirring at a vigorous pace for 3-5 minutes. upon completion of mixing, it would help to come to a full understanding that country music is really just sub-par pop music that has a slide guitar / fiddle, and a backwards redneck on vocals, and anyone who willingly listens to country music is a racist and has the IQ of a toilet seat.

* before the next step in the process, grab your phone and update your facebook status, hoping that kevin will finally notice how attractive you are, even though you are 34 and single, and the reason no man has ever loved you is because you are barren, cannot have children, and are therefore unattractive and a drain on our economy.

* using your hands and / or fingernails, separate the cookie dough into small balls of, well, cookie dough. place them on the cookie sheet approximately 2-3 inches apart on all sides. if the overall diameter of your cookie balls exceed 5 inches, you are a black-hearted communist who deserves to die alone in the disgusting wasteland of downtown detroit, michigan, being slowly and painfully ripped apart limb-by-limb by a pack of rabid wild dogs.

* place the cookie sheet in the oven, making sure not to burn yourself, and cook for 15-17 minutes. on a related note, are you gaining weight again? making cookies at 11am probably isnt helping your cause, fatty.

* when the cookies have flattened and the edges are golden brown, they are done and ready to be removed from the oven. let cool on a cooling rack for 5-6 minutes, and enjoy your worthless life full of nothing and no one.

* that bottle of asprin isnt going to eat itself. failure.

The Fall Season...

2011-09-19T15:02:00.001-04:00

as i sit in my cubicle of sorrow and the soothing sounds of baby boomer acoustic radio attacks my senses on various levels, i can, for the first time in my life, see the benefits of slow, painful suicide. im not saying that life isnt worth living, but if i have to sit through one more harry chapin or mama and papas travesty of sound, im going to drink poison.

in less tragic news, its almost officially fall almost. the 4th of july parades, trips to the beach, and testicles stuck to your inner thighs of summer have officially given way to football saturdays, hayrides, and testicles still oddly stuck to your inner thighs of autumn. as america prepares itself for another long winter, its the fall season that reminds us to take a breath, spend time with friends and family, and be thankful for our many blessings.

take a trip in your memory, back to the pile of leaves in front of your house, and jump in belly-first. take in the smells of apple cider and pumpkin pie, and get your winter clothes out of storage.

the best thing about fall is the changing of the season itself. as midwesterners, we tend to get excited whenever the weather changes, even its it is changing for the worse. ever stood outside as the clouds of a violent thunderstorm approach? of course you have, you sick bastard. be it a birth of a baby, the death of a whorish movie star, or the rebirth of a season - we love change.

speaking of change, some terrible john denver pile of musical abortion just threw me over the edge. radio station changed - people in the office be damned. tis far better to give me music that doesnt suck than to see me spill my brains all over my keyboard.

what was i talking about? oh yeah, fall.

its tough being a single girl living in the city during fall. all around you, couples walk hand-in-hand down madison avenue, falling deeper in love with every click of their heel and bounce in their step. now heres a picture of me holding my finger up to my nose. and i have drawn a mustache on the side of my finger that is facing the camera. or maybe heres a picture of my legs crossed with some vintage magazine or homemade dinner or a pair of those HIDEOUS toms shoes in the background. I HAVE JUST ACCURATELY SUMMED UP EVERY WHITE GIRLS FACEBOOK NEWS FEED OR BLOG POST THAT EVER EXISTED.

fall is a time for healing. a time for rejuvenation. a time to catch up with yourself after a summer full of running around at 100 miles per hour. take a breath, and remember the things that are really important in life. your friends. your family. specifically your children. you havent fed them since early may. hell, lets be honest - theyve been dead for months.

summer is busy. it is as hurried, aimless, random, and slapdash as the topics covered in this blog entry. fall affords you the opportunity to put on a warm sweater, and feel the cool morning wind at your back. it begs you to sit back and reflect on first three quarters of the year over a glass of chilled chardonnay and a scented candle. of which we have many. with names like "autumn spice" and "vanilla burst". or "hospice pumpkin", which IS NOT EVEN A REAL THING, TARRIN.

the cool weather and sunny afternoons will heal your soul on many different levels. take a walk in your local park. have a great meal with your husband. call a long-lost friend and catch up on their life. be reminded of why they were a long-lost friend in the first place. make a mental note to cut them completely out of your life and to delete them from your friend list on facebook. she is such a narcissist. and seriously, kim? berkenstock sandals? has anyone even worn those since 1998? unbelievable.

fall sucks. donkey kong sucks.

you know what?

you suck.

Things That Upset Me...

2011-09-15T11:03:00.000-04:00

you, the readers of team secret falcon, are no doubt used to coming to this blog for daily uplifting musings and positive messages / stories of human accomplishment.

it pains me greatly to say that today im going to have to get negative for a minute.

first of all, where do you get off MTV? there hasnt been one single song played on "music television" since 1993, yet you have the audacity to show me 3 second clips of "music you should know" in between airings of jersey shore, like im the moron if i havent heard the latest verbal diarrhea that deathcab for cutie has sharted out of their face this month?

why dont you stick to what you do best - sending our social outcasts to italy where hopefully they die slowly and painfully, and giving tila tequila a shot at love. and maybe a shot of penicillin while youre at it.

you know when theres a street with normal houses on it, and then theres that one huge house that doesnt fit in with the other houses? i hate that. who does that house think it is? all the other houses were just trying to live their lives, maybe have their yards landscaped occasionally, and then this huge house gets built and the rest of the houses start feeling bad about themselves when they are still the same great house that existed way before the other huge house was built. its even worse when the huge house has minorities living inside.

im not saying that black people or indian people or asian people or trashy white people dont deserve to live in the same neighborhoods as everyone else. racial harmony is a beautiful thing. all im saying is, mexicans, no thanks.

on the subject of things that suck, can we talk about motorcycles for a second? i love it when people that ride harleys bitch and moan about getting caught out in the rain when they are on their bikes. you know what you should do? put a door and a roof on that thing, and maybe a couple more tires while youre making improvements. the rest of us call it a "car", and you dont have to worry about lift-threatening issues like PEBBLES or WATER when you drive a car.

and shave the mustache. leave mustaches to the truly great americans, like second basemen and keyboard players in sub-par 70s rock cover bands.

speaking of bands, yeah, im just going to come out and say it - the doors are the most overrated, worthless "classic rock" group of all-time. i dont need to explain myself or provide references, either. just listen to anything other than "roadhouse" and tell me it isnt a steaming pile of giraffe dump. i liked "light my fire" better when it was called "someone on LSD frantically screaming into a microphone for seven cryptic and agonizing minutes".

the worst thing about hippies is that they had a bunch of really good ideas, but they let drugs and casual sex get in the way. they preached love and community and understanding and tolerance, but then got addicted to heroin and ultimately ended up living in an abandoned car, turning tricks for smack. its the same thing that we have going on today with those fart-sniffing filthy hipsters, only their "heroin" is intentionally ironic clothing, and their "casual sex" is their pretentious arrogance and unfounded sense of lifestyle superiority.

one thing that i have always liked, and thought that science doesnt pay enough attention to, is time travel. if we learned anything from back to the future, its that only good things can come from messing with the space time continuum. your parents not getting along? sensing a messy divorce on the horizon? BAM. hop in your time machine, and one point twenty-one jiggawatts later, you have marital bliss, biffs out in the driveway waxing your brand new truck, and youre on your way to the lake to show elisabeth shue 10 different ways to call you big papa.

another thing we learned from back to the future is that your ancestors look exactly like you, only maybe they have facial hair or a funny hat or something.

How To Cope With The Loss Of A Pet...

2011-09-14T10:27:00.000-04:00

few things have the power to shake the foundation of your world quite like the death of a pet. while science has recently proven that human family members are 92% likely to steal from you or cause your eventual death, it has long been known that a pets sole reason for existence is to provide pleasure to their masters as long as they are alive. because its your dog.

with that in mind, team secret falcon is here to help you get through the rough patches that follow the death (or murder) of a treasured family pet (or chicken).

HOW TO COPE WITH LOSING A PET...

* take a walk on the trails you used to frequent with your animal friend. let the sun shine on your face, and remember the times you shared together. when a cool, stiff breeze blows through your hair, you will know that its your friend saying "hi" from a better place. that, or there is a storm approaching. seek shelter.

* after your pet passes away, clean its body and cut as much meat off of his bones as possible. cook and eat the remains, reminding yourself along the way how much your pet meant to you. take some of the blood and rub it on your face. start a fire and dance around it. use a knife to cut your chest, rubbing your blood and your friends blood together in the wound. scream mystical chants to the moon goddess chimerya. kill your wife.

* remind yourself that the emotional pain is a completely and totally normal part of the grieving process. but, lets not take it too far. your cat died. its not like it had a soul.

* your children will eventually start asking questions which, while difficult to answer, are completely healthy and need to be answered properly. questions like "why did mr snuggles have to die" and "why didnt you save him?" and "can we get another dog?" should be answered with "your mother killed him" and "i tried, but your mother shot him in the head with a harpoon gun" and "i bought a fluffy white puppy for you, but your mother tore his heart straight out of his chest and then drank his blood."

* if you have other pets in the house, they are bound to notice the sudden household void. if they start asking questions, youve probably got some sort of demonic possession on your hands. because animals cant talk. unless its a bird or something. in which case, dude, a bird? try getting laid once in a while.

* when buying a new pet, its important to get the same breed and give it the same name. numerous times. KATHY WAGG.

* if your new pet isnt exactly like your old beloved pet, its okay to put that new pet to sleep. KATHY WAGG.

* if your spouse is having a harder time than you are getting past the pain of loss, its okay to tell them to "stop being such a pussy." theyll appreciate the humor, even though you totally arent kidding.

Hansi Wunderblunk...

2011-09-01T14:24:00.003-04:00

in april of 1975, a former bodybuilder named carl bacon was hired to provide security for a famous television star by the name of hansi wunderblunk. hansi was originally from denmark, but made her living pitching soft style cat food which was manufactured by yum-yum kitten goodies inc, an international pet food conglomerate based in hong kong.

due to her growing wealth, hansi was becoming more and more of a target for the type of sinister ciminals that populated los angeles in the mid seventies. they would stalk her wherever she went, hoping for a weak moment to present itself so that they could take advantage of her in any way they could. if hansi had a dime for every time some man tried to force himself upon her in some capacity, well, she would be far richer than she already was.

carl was hired to change all of that. hailing from the mean streets of buffalo, carls toughness was forged in the cold winters of upstate new york, defending himself from the common thugs that populated his neighborhood and preyed upon the powerless. he had some training in boxing, some in martial arts, but he was most lethal simply due to the circumstances from which he came. carl had been pushed beyond normal human limits, and came across as someone who, while calm and collected out the outside, had the capacity to unleash hell at any given moment on any given individual.

from the moment of her arrival in the united states at the age of 17, hansi had few personal freedoms. she was quickly discovered by a talent scout who saw the potential in her piercing green eyes and soft features, and was on set doing her first fish food commercial a mere 17 days after leaving her homeland. a few months later she moved up to hamster food, and was quickly moved into late-night ferret food spots soon after. when one commercial was finished shooting, another was in the preparation stages, and hansi felt as if she had stopped breathing the moment she stepped off the boat. she longed for the isolation of a deserted beach at sunset, or the hushed motionless of a quaint mountain town at daybreak.

at first, carl was just happy for the work. a steady paycheck was something he was not used to, and he didnt trust people in general, so he kept his money in an old, rusty coffee can under his mattress. the pay was good. he rented a room on the third floor of the hollywood motel and lounge, and was happy that there was a color TV on site - even though he didnt watch it much. his interactions with women over the years hadnt been good. his mother had abandoned him at a young age, and what few memories he had of her had been slowly eroded by both the passage of time, and his subconscious need to forget the pain. he had been involved with women over the years, but none had ever approached a relationship, and more than a few were cheap, filthy illegal mexican prostitutes, bent on stealing our men first, and their lawn-mowing jobs second.

hansi had been linked with various a-list movie stars in the tabloids, and people loved to speculate who the pretty cat food princess was shacking up with month by month. she was liberal with her relations, opening up physically to anyone and everyone who showed her any form of attention whatsoever. she hoped that someday one one the men she let in her bed would fall truly in love with her, and take her far away from the pressures and obligations of her crazy life.

but it never happened. she was murdered with a knife, and no one ever fell in love with her. because no one falls in love with a slut.

practice abstinence. stay in school.

your pal,

camp counselor morgan

Ohio State Football: Akron Zips...

2011-08-31T12:32:00.003-04:00

as you know, every week here at team secret falcon we cover the team playing the buckeyes in great detail, and clue you in to some little known facts about that specific university, their student body, and their football history.

this week we say hello to the zips of akron.

GETTING TO KNOW YOU: AKRON ZIPS...

* akrons mascot is named "zippy" and is a female kangaroo. zippy is one of the few female mascots in college athletics, as the female in almost all species on earth is weak, mentally deficient, and would rather watch "the notebook" and talk about ponies than watch any sporting event that has ever been held in the universe.

* akrons main rival is kent state university, which they have never defeated in womens volleyball.

* the first national championship in the history of the university came in 1978. in mens archery. fags.

* akrons basketball facility is named "james a rhodes arena" after famous alumni james rhodes, who i'm guessing was either a scientist or a child molester.

* the university offers slightly over 300 undergraduate programs, of which, roughly 178 train graduates how to hitchhike the hell out of akron.

* from 1870-1913, the university of akron was known as buchtel college, which is another thing about the university of akron that no one cares about.

* there is no indoor plumbing on campus.

* the university of akron has twelve affliction t-shirts, and wears them often.

* a nickname for the city of akron is "ak-rowdy", which is a hilarious joke that you might find in someones AIM profile in 2001.

* the university of akron has absolutely nothing to do with the greatest moment in college football history, but its fun to relive it as much as we possibly can.

* if the university of akron could be any disney princess, it would choose any of them, because it is racist towards people with dark skin.

* akron is know as "the rubber capital of the world", which is equally as depressing as it sounds.

Ohio State Football Preview 2011...

2011-08-29T10:29:00.003-04:00

usually, this is one of my most favorite blog entries to write during the year. i get to sit down, talk buckeye football, and write about the fanny-whoopings the men of the scarlet and gray will be laying upon the big ten and country at large during the next few months.

then, terrelle pryor and company got some tattoos. not a massive deal in the grand scheme of things, and definitely not horrific when you look at whats going on at miami (fl), north carolina, oregon, LSU, auburn, and other schools around college athletics. but the senator knew. and covered it up. and then lied about covering it up. for that, jim tressel deserved to lose his job, and he did.

we now find ourselves five days from kickoff against the mighty zips of akron, with subdued excitement, questions on both sides of the ball, and a hole in our collective hearts the size of a sweater vest.

as always, team secret falcon is here to give you a game-by-game preseason breakdown and prediction, based on the science of the pigskin, gut feeling, and strawberry daiquiri boones farm. enjoy...

OHIO STATE FOOTBALL PREVIEW 2011

September 3, 2011
vs. Akron Zips (1-11)
12:00 - ESPN
Ohio State leads the all-time series 2-0

if you wanted the luke fickell era to start out against a layup / cupcake team which has absolutely zero chance of beating ohio state even on its best day, well, here you go. akron is probably the worst team in division 1 college football, and the buckeyes could literally lineup their coaching staff against the zips and come out with a double digit victory. akron lost a game against gardner-webb last season, which is a school that science is still trying to determine whether or not it exists at all.

joe bauserman should start the game under center, promptly throw 7 balls into the turf, contract sun poisoning from being outside for too long (hes a ginger), and give way to braxton miller for the rest of his life. and not in just football. in everything. seriously, his girlfriend has been put on alert. look out.

Prediction
Ohio State 38
Akron 10

September 10, 2001
vs. Toledo Rockets (8-5)
12:00 - Big Ten Network
Ohio State leads all-time series 2-0

a much better MAC team, but a MAC team nonetheless. the last time ohio state lost to an in-state opponent, my great grandfather was my age, which i believe was something like 1783 maybe. not sure about that.

the rockets had some good games last year, finished second in their division, played in the pizzapizza bowl, and are steadily on the rise within the MAC. fun fact: toledo has never scored a point against the buckeyes. expect that to change quickly this season.

Prediction
Ohio State 31
Toledo 17

September 17, 2011
at Miami (FL) Hurricanes (7-6)
8:00pm - ABC
Ohio State leads all-time series 3-1

last year the buckeyes used 4 jacory harris interceptions to soundly defeat the 'canes in ohio stadium. this year, as both teams face uncertain futures due to NCAA investigations, expectations are significantly lower and the game will be played in coral gables, which is french for pubic infection.

its tough to get a good read on which miami players will be suspended and which will be on the field, but its looking more and more like the 'canes will be missing significant contributors on both sides of the ball. expect an ugly, low-scoring game that ABC was way more excited about this time last year.

Prediction
Ohio State 23
Miami (FL) 10

September 24, 2011
vs. Colorado Buffaloes (5-7)
Time TBD
Ohio State leads the all-time series 3-1

the buffs played a total of 3 ranked team last season, and were systematically annihilated by each and every one of them. expect more of the same from the recent big 12 transplant, as they will likely stumble out of the gates thanks to the confusion associated with better looking females in their new conference.

its hard to concentrate when you have been playing in kansas and oklahoma for the last twenty years, and then you have to go to southern california to compete. the buckeyes should be hitting somewhat of a groove at this point, or at least feeling more comfortable in their skin after a few games to come together as a team. this is what i like to tell myself anyway.

Prediction
Ohio State 28
Colorado 14

October 1, 2011
vs. Michigan State Spartans (11-2)
Time TBD
Ohio State leads the all-time series 27-11

i will freely admit that i have always had a soft spot in my heart for michigan state football. after all, the enemy of my enemy is my friend - and the only group of people who hate the skunkweasels more than buckeyes are spartans.

add in the fact that our own mark dantonio has the program trending in the right direction, and this is a team i am very excited to play. back on the schedule for the first time since 2008, spartys last win against the buckeyes came in east lansing all the way back in 1999 and they have beaten ohio state a grand total of 4 times in the past 36 years.

i said before last bowl season that i thought MSU was possibly the worst 11-1 team in the history of college football, which i know is like saying "this is the worst cocaine ive ever had." 11-1 is good no matter how you slice it, but there just seemed to be that IT factor missing. sparty could easily be better this year and have a worse record.

i dont know. this game is a toss-up. and since i dont know how the buckeyes will play in toss-up games not involving jim tressel, ill take sparty.

Prediction
Michigan State 17
Ohio State 13

October 8, 2011
at Nebraska Cornhuskers (10-4)
8pm - ABC / ESPN
Ohio State leads all-time series 2-0

playing at nebraska is always tough. playing at nebraska and being their first home game in the big ten conference is going to be tougher than usual. two things the buckeyes have going for them in probably the most anticipated game in the entire conference in 2011 - boom herron, devier posey, and mike adams will be back from their suspensions, and nebraska must travel to wisconsin the week before.

hoping to catch a team when they are a bit banged up is not something buckeye fans are all that used to. losing two weeks in a row isnt either, though i think we are going to have to deal with it this season.

Prediction
Nebraska 23
Ohio State 14

October 15, 2011
at Illinois Fighting Illini (7-6)
Time TBD
Ohio State leads the all-time series 63-30-3

simply put, the buckeyes do not play well in champiagn. its always wet, always cold, and ohio state hasnt really played well there since 1998. its tough to tell what you are going to get from the illini this year, as they lost 6 games last year yet werent soundly beaten in any of them. and there was that 67-65 triple overtime loss to michigan, so you know they can put some points on the board.

although a team consisting of my grandmother, axle rose, and derek zoolander could put up at least 50 on michigans defense, so yeah. the buckeyes havent lost three straight games since the middle of 2004, and i dont expect it to happen again anytime soon.

Prediction
Ohio State 20
Illinois 13

October 29, 2011
vs. Wisconsin Badgers (11-2)
8pm - ABC
Ohio State leads the all-time series 53-18-5

with the way the badgers murdered the buckeyes last year, i have no idea how anyone came within 10 points of them, let alone beat them. they run run run at you, and when they are done running at you, they run through you, and then finally, they run over you. its impressive to watch, even when your blood is boiling inside of your veins while they are doing it.

the buckeyes will have a few things going for them. first, its a night game. second, its a revenge game. third, its halloween weekend on campus and the shoe will be a madhouse. lastly, the buckeyes will be coming off a bye week, and will be fully rested. wisky will just have played at michigan state.

all that being said, wisconsin has played the buckeyes about as well as you possibly could play them in the last 3 years, and i honestly think they just know how to beat ohio state right now. doesnt mean that trend cant be bucked (pun intended) but i just dont see it happening this year.

Prediction
Wisconsin 21
Ohio State 17

November 5, 2011
vs Indiana Hoosiers
Time TBD
Ohio State leads the all-time series 67-9-4

the cure for what ails ya? play the hoosiers!

ummmm. indiana sucks at football.

Prediction
Ohio State 38
Indiana 17

November 12, 2011
at Purdue Boilermakers
Time TBD
Ohio State leads the all-time series 38-13-2

the buckeyes return to the site of one of the more baffling losses in recent memory - a 26-18 loss to 5-7 boilermaker squad back in 2009. when asked about the victory after the game, douchebag danny hope and his mustache said "get used to it", which made a lot of sense the very next season as ohio state trounced purdue 49-0 in the revenge game at the shoe. get used to what? crumbs on your upper lip? MUSTACHE.

in better and more important news, this will be morgan hughes' 30th birthday, and if the buckeyes dont pull out a victory against the boilers, well, yeah, theres going to be a lot of drinking either way.

purdue started 4-2 last year before finishing a michigan-esque 0-6 to round out the season. gotta gotta boiler up to get down, y'all.

Prediction
Ohio State 26
Purdue 14

November 19, 2011
vs. Penn State Nittany Lions (7-6)
Time TBD
Ohio State leads the all-time series 14-11

thanks to the great conference realignment of 2010, the buckeyes get penn state and the fighting diarrhea-covered joe paternos at home in columbus for a second straight year. last season state penn played about 6 above average teams, and lost to them all. they finish this year vs nebraska, at ohio state, and at wisconsin. ouchie.

i see a big buckeye victory, causing joepa to ask many questions such as, "whoa what just happened?", "wheres my applesauce?", and "are you my grandson?"

Prediction
Ohio State 22
Penn State 9

November 26, 2011
at Michigan Wolverines (7-6)
Time TBD
Michigan leads the all-time series 57-44-6*

*michigan leads the all-time series 57-44-6, with 19 of those wins coming from 1897-1927. in that same time period, ohio state won only three times and tied twice. since the advent of modern football in 1950, ohio state leads the series 32-27-2, and that includes john cooper's 2-10-1 record from 1988-2000. in other words, if it weren't for leather football helmets and john cooper, ohio state owns the rivalry. have fun with your wins from the 1800's, skunk weasel fans.

if you read desmond howards twitter account and put any value in his opinions whatsoever, which no one does and no one does, you know that michigan is looking a lot better thus far under first year head coach brady hoke aka baby huey aka tons of fun. hes fat. hes a fat guy.

while i am buying that the wolverines will be better in 2011, you dont make up 30 points in talent difference just by hiring a new coach. need i remind you that michigan put up 65 points in a game last year and still managed to win by only two? donde esta el defense?

in typical michigan fashion, they started last season hot out of the gates at 5-0 before crapping the bed to finish 7-6, with the last three games being losses to wisconsin, ohio state, and mississippi state by the scores of 48-28, 37-7, and 52-14. expect more of the same this year, as their first 5 games are easily winnable, with the worst case scenario being 4-1 after a loss to notre dame. which would be at home in the big house. which is where all of their first 5 games will take place. if fatty mcgoo cant squeeze 8 wins out of this schedule, they should bring back rich rod.

so, yeah. the wolverines have a "michigan man" back in charge - yet another one of "their own" born in the great state of ohio. he wont refer to the buckeyes as "ohio state", choosing instead the name "ohio" which is another division one football team that would routinely destroy their hopes and dreams given the chance. michigan is 1-9 in their past 10 games against ohio state. dont expect that to change this year.

Prediction
Ohio State 28
Michigan 17

given all that the program has been through in the past 8 months, a 9-3 record sounds a little like overachieving. and who knows, if the cards fall right you may even see the scarlet and gray in the first annual big ten championship game in indianapolis.

but i wouldnt hold your breath.

How to enjoy your vacation in Columbus, OH...

2011-08-22T13:03:00.006-04:00

thanks for choosing columbus, ohio as your vacation destination! everyone here in the capital city is excited to have you and your family in town, and we promise you wont regret your decision.

columbus is a vibrant city, full of fun things to do and great places to go. below, you will find some suggestions on how to spend your time.

thanks again for choosing columbus - we hope to see you again real soon!

VACATION TIPS IN COLUMBUS, OH...

* the columbus zoo and aquarium is a world-class facility, and is run by zoological personality jack hannah. open seven days a week, come out with your kids and enjoy the wonders of the animal kingdom! the lack of rouge bullets lodged in your abdomen will remind you that you arent in toledo or cleveland!

* the nearest amish community is well over an hour away from downtown, which means you wont have to worry about americas most silent killer..... DUTCH AIDS.

* for those of you fleeing the poisoned drinking water of pittsburgh, or the race riots in detroit, youll find a healthy economic climate in central ohio. this means you are roughly 83% less likely to be accosted by a drunken, homeless, union worker freshly laid off from his assembly position at general motors!

* this saturday, the popular 90s band "smashmouth" will be playing at the reynoldburg community library! there will be no charge for admission, but canned goods and other food items are being accepted for donation to the popular 90s band "smashmouth" as they recover from lifelong mediocrity. the band "smashmouth" will be playing at the reynoldburg community library next saturday as well.

* downtown columbus is positioned on the banks of the beautiful olentangy river, and there are many nature walks to take your family on nearby. dont let your kids touch the water, however, as it is 72% lethal acid, and their face will melt off of their skulls.

* columbus is home to many celebrities, and you never know who you may run into when youre out on the town! famous residents include justin biebler, katie husdon, orlando blooms, kim kardashlian, alicia silverstein, danny delvito, brett farge, david becklam, randle jackson, snoopy dog dog, oj sampson, and jack hannah!

* your impression of columbus may be a bit out of date. the old, run down liquor stores and adult themed shops that border and threaten the lives of the residents of german village no longer affect the housing prices! its more expensive to live in an area where you will probably die than ever before!

* columbus is proud to be the LGBT capital of the midwest. just dont tell our family members or anyone we work with!

* no dead bodies have been found in the scioto river in nearly 18 months! this record for lack of corpses has almost nothing to do with the fact that the members of the "columbus dead body river patrol" are presumed dead and floating somewhere in the scioto river.

* the north market is a wonderful place to go on a saturday afternoon, if you feel like getting your head bashed in with comments from white people in fedoras and skinny jeans about how unqiue and wonderful the north market is. bleeding out of your ears and eye sockets never killed anyone!

* columbus is the carbon monoxide capital of north america!

* columbus has a rich tradition of local native american history. come see the mound buidlers museum, or see ancient artifacts at the ohio historical society. dont worry though, there arent any actual native americans left. we murdered them all many, many decades ago!

* many people have called jack hannah the "steve irwin of the midwest" and he lives right here in columbus! JACK HANNAH COLUMBUS ZOO FAMOUS WILDLIFE GORILLA JACK HANNAH.

Bachelor Pad Rundown: Week Two...

2011-08-18T09:27:00.004-04:00

as you know, here at team secret falcon, we use a lot of commas, almost all the time.

also, we love us some bachelor pad. outside of smoking crystal meth and beating your wife, we think watching bachelor pad is just about the best thing a person can do with their evening. hell, if youre feeling extra saucy, why not try all three at the same time? youre welcome.

join us as we run down the happenings on this weeks epsiode, wont you?

BACHELOR PAD RUNDOWN: WEEK TWO...

we arrive back at the bachelor mansion only a day after alli and justin left, and tensions are still high. america finds itself with questions that have yet to be answered, such as: did i really just watch a three-hour episode of bachelor pad last week? and: who in the hell are alli and justin?

the episode leaves no time to answer such ridiculously appropriate questions, as we jump directly into this weeks competition which is called "throw eggs at whomever you hate and think is ugly" - or something to that effect. the guys line up to throw eggs filled with paint at the girls, and the girls do the same right back to the guys. the anonymity of the egg-throwers cause people to drop truth-bombs all over the place for an extended period of time, which leads to confirmation of what we have suspected all along. erica is ugly, and people hate jake.

erica seems extremely upset, and if she didnt have so much botox in her face (at age 28) she probably would have been able to show emotion or produce tears. instead, she wonders aloud on camera why the eggs werent thrown at ella instead, as she believes ella to be fatter and therefore less attractive. sadly, there were no men with knives on-hand to beat her and murder her and feed her dead body to a pack of wild dogs. next week for sure.

jake takes it all in stride, and says things like "golly, ive got my work cut out for me" and "gee-wiz, this is going to be a tough week!" - off-camera, producers confirm that inside jakes head he is thinking about that time when he got an erection from drowning a burlap sack full of newborn kittens.

melissa, who is one of the worst human beings that has ever lived, and michael, who is a genuinely nice guy whom i have nothing bad to say about (seriously) win the competition, and get to choose three people of the opposite sex to take on a three-on-one date, where there will be a rose up for grabs. michael chooses erica (pack of wild dogs), michelle (psycho hose beast), and holly (his former fiancee and current house slutbag), and they are whisked off to an abandoned mental hospital where people had been raped and murdered (huge assumption on my part based on absolutely no facts whatsoever) for generations.

upon arrival, the evil spirits immediately attempt to attack erica and michelle, but quickly realize that they are both one of their kind and leave them alone. after some exploring of the hospital and a lot of arbitrary high-pitched screaming (from the only guy in the group), michael gives the rose to holly so they can go on the roof and talk about feelings and love and dreams and why holly is all over blakes junk every day of the week when she and michael just broke up moments before coming on the show. michael tells holly that he respects her very much, wants her to be happy above all else, is beyond thankful for the time they spent together, and values her very much as a friend. holly seems distracted by her mascara running down her cheeks, and mutters something semi-incoherent that sounds like "if i were smart enough to have real feelings, i would tell you all about them right now."

ultimately they decide nothing, but it seems that they are getting some feeling of resolution and closure after what was, honestly, a really adult conversation.

fast-forward to melissas date, which involves blake (who makes her loins ache for babies), kasey (who has been scientifically proven to be the biggest douchebag in the universe), and some other guy who was insignificant and i seriously dont care about at all and i wish would die. kirk maybe? all i know is that it wasnt ames, which equals "meaningless" in my brain.

the following conversation took place on the top deck of the yacht, as the date slowly and painfully progressed...

Melissa: this date is so awesome. im having an awesome time. you guys are awesome.
Blake: im on a television show.
Kirk?: when someone takes their boat out of the water, does the boat drown?
Melissa: i dont want this to ever end! this is so awesome. BLAKE I WANT YOU INSIDE OF ME.
Blake: if i make out with you while im drunk, will you give me the rose?
Melissa: YES!!!!!!
Kirk?: isnt it weird how fish BREATHE WATER?? has anyone else ever tried to do that??
Kasey: (terrible person)

after some awkward tounge-kissing between melissa and blake, she gives him the rose and kasey and kirk? are sent home on a smaller boat. because he is in a craft which is traveling on water, kasey says "i feel like my arm is going to get eaten off by a shark", which i promise you is something that he actually said in real life with his mouth in the english language. apparently in california, sharks have developed the ability to jump into boats, and have a never-before-seen hunger for human arms. youve been warned, america.

at the conclusion of melissas date we are about 26 minutes into the 2 hour long episode, which means that the rest of the time is spent dealing with pre-rose-ceremony drama, of which there is mucho mucho. melissa (legitimately insane) catches blake (nice teeth) laying down next to holly (total slut) and falls even further down the rabbit hole of lunacy.

"YOURE FAKE AND I KNOW WHAT YOURE DOING AND YOURE LEADING ME ON AND I HATE YOU AND I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN AND I'LL KILL MYSELF IF I CANT HAVE YOU" -Melissa

jake, who is all but assured of going home tonight, decides to ask kasey and vienna for help. after all, he was the one who saved vienna last week by giving her the ONE ROSE, and assumes that they will be adult enough to at least listen to his pleas for help. oh jake, are you really that dumb? (yes absolutely you are)

kasey humiliates jake and talks down to him like he were a child, or a dog, or a illegal mexican immigrant trying to steal his lawn mowing jobs. jake again proves to be the bigger man (on camera) and walks away without stooping to their level. well played, sir.

vienna, who at this point looks like a bleach blonde rebecca lobo in a hideous dress, freaks the F out when chris harrison comes on scene and tells the house that 2 women will be going home tonight, instead of the usual 1 woman and 1 man. vienna had been counting on jake leaving, and is so angry about having to spend more time with him, that she goes temporarily cross-eyed. oh wait, no. shes always been cross-eyed. and theres not a damn thing "temporary" about it.

gia, who actually chose to save kaseys ass last week, is accosted by kasey pre-ceremony and is informed that she will likely be going home, thanks to an ill-timed attempt to get graham to vote off kasey and then graham telling kasey all about it. gia vomits tears of outrage from her eyeballs, and voluntarily leaves the house in a dramatic tornado of accusation and disappointment. causing the number of women to be voted off to drop down from two to one. fantastic.

according to all of the whispering behind peoples backs, it seems that ella and jackie are on the chopping block, while vienna, who is a confirmed cross-eyed sociopath, sits idly by with one eye fixed on kasey glorious six-pack abs, and the other eye randomly off in the distance searching for leprechauns. i dont know, its tough to tell with that damn rouge eye what in the hell is going on in her brain, other than the undeniable fact that the wheel is spinning, but the hamster is clearly dead and has been for years.

meanwhile, jake is wearing a button-down dress shirt with cargo shorts and running shoes, which is the male version of a romper. in that it makes people wish you were dead.

ella spends the next hour wandering around the mansion giving people her sob story about how she is a single mom and how much she needs 250,000 dollars. everyone else immediately starts to think, "oh yeah, she makes a great point. i dont need that money. i was just here for the vodka and goldfish crackers." oh boo hoo, ella is a single mom. you think youre the only one? i grew up in a single parent household, and so did 70 percent of the people who youre talking to and who are watching you at home. im guessing none of them ever won a quarter of a million dollars, and they turned out just fine. or in the case of yours truly, they turned out perfectly.

ames is on the offensive too, and goes to battle for jackie - his lady love.

"on a cool evening in the city of los angeles, mine eyes laid upon the fairest angel the city of angels had ever beheld. jaquelin was her name, and i fought to keep my balance as i stared deeply into the depths of her soul. deep in the brown and green hues of her eyes, i saw a most peculiar sight - my own future. i witnessed picnics and hayrides. romance and passion. children and grandchildren. and i saw a love by which the stars themselves would align. yes, i had only just met my fair jackie, but i knew beyond doubt that she was both all that i had ever wanted, and everything i had hoped to be. i beg you with the desperation of a thousand lost souls, please, do not vote this woman off tonight. my fragile heart would shrivel up into a prune, and i would die a broken, hollow man." -Ames

needless to say, kasey quickly orchestrates jackies elimination. as she says her goodbyes, ames stands by in utter disbelief, and quickly shoots glances around at anything and everything, trying desperately to cope with the fact that jackie will soon be gone forever. from the bachelor pad.

jackie and ames share a deep, passionate embrace and say farewell. as they lock lips, vienna pounces on a squirrel in the background, making sure to swallow it whole just in case she has to quickly regurgitate it because of the threat of another predator nearby. jackie gets in the limo, and it starts to slowly pull away. as ames walks, defeated, slowly back to the group, he realizes that the real prize of this competition is being driven away in the limo at that very moment. he waves goodbye to the group and runs after jackie. all of the female cast members scream at the top of their lungs, and every female in america starts crying at the same moment and they dont know why. probably PMS. which is the worst.

end scene.

Being Smart About For Your Health...

2011-08-02T10:57:00.007-04:00

getting in shape in time for the holidays is something that women everywhere dont care about, but should because they are fat and lazy and no one wants to look at them and their stupid ass faces. put down the twinkies, you filthy hussies - its time to check back into planet earth and deal with the fact that its the 90s and guys dont think cankles are endearing anymore.

TIPS FOR A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE

* a big bowl made of a fried taco shell that is filled to the brim with cheeses, beef, sour cream, guacamole, ranch dressing, and lard is called a "salad" if you add a few shreds of lettuce. salads are healthy. try to remember that.

* some firefighters say that the better they are acclimated to smoke, the easier it is for them to do their jobs effectively. scientists recently proved that cigarettes are made up of roughly 67% cigarette smoke. you should definitely smoke cigarettes. in case your house catches on fire.

* going on trips with your children is good for your mental health. that was obviously a joke. take your kids to an orphanage and leave them there forever.

* go on a really long jog. try to pick a destination that is far enough away so that you cant just walk home - it will force you to stay committed to the run. pick some place like lewis center, ohio. which is the worst place in the world, and home to various native redneck clans of criminals and drug addicts. why would anyone live in lewis center on purpose?

* fax machines are like regular mail, only you can send letters through your telephone.

* you know whats super healthy for you? shark fin soup. also, because sharks are dangerous man-eaters and killing them is one of the fourteen commandments in the bible, eating shark fin soup increases the amount of sharks that must die in order to keep up with demand, and thats good. sharks are the white trash crystal meth lunatics of the animal kingdom, and they deserve to die slowly and painfully.

* you know what im tired of? pretending beyonce isnt fat and disgusting. sure, youre a great singer and "independent woman" was a dynamic song. but keep those thighs away from me and every mega pixel on my television screen. thanks.

* theres nothing funny about adult illiteracy. except when someone is lost or doesnt know whats going on because they cant read. that is absolutely hilarious.

* spinach, kale, beans, and broccoli are all examples of "wonder foods" which contain high amounts of vital minerals and vitamins. unfortunately, they are all completely disgusting. have some skittles.

* try making some healthy alternatives to heavily buttered popcorn when you are watching movies with your boyfriend or husband. or maybe some raw peanuts. or a sandwich. just cook something. youre a woman. being in the kitchen is in your DNA.

* those "toms" shoes that the filthy hipsters wear have recently taken over the WNBA as the leading cause of terrorism in the middle east.

* after a nine year study, science recently concluded that the forming of the band "deathcab for cutie" is the worst thing that has ever happened in the history of the known universe. just awful.

* if theres two things that little children love, its jalapeno peppers and comedy. put the peppers in their food without telling them! they will appreciate the really funny joke!

* more americans died in the civil war than during any large generic gathering of university of michigan fans, and thats just a damn shame.

Anger, Kicking, and Punching...

2011-07-26T07:56:00.003-04:00

if theres one thing we can all agree on, its that people, in general, are terrible. its just that most of us are too busy running through the streets of the short north, drinking our orange mocha frapachinos, buying ironic t-shirts and intentionally ugly fedoras, gobbling up whatever poop-infested radish we bought at the local farmers market, and pretending to be tolerant of smelly homeless people to admit it.

people with blue eyes are the worst. they go their whole entire lives thinking that they are more special than people with brown eyes, when its a fact that, in white people of european decent, more have blue eyes than brown eyes. theyre all just too busy hanging out with black people and saying things like, "some of my best friends are black" to comprehend that their soulless, empty hearts are more worthless than they ever could have possibly imagined.

people with brown eyes are the worst. oh, youre a black guy? brown eyes. how surprising. chinese lady? brown eyes as well? you dont say. mexican man trying to steal my lawn-mowing business? brown eyes? que lastima.

and geez, dont even get me started on short people. did you have fun buying all of your clothes at gap kids last weekend? because everyone who knows you thinks "frumpy" when they say you look "cute". even your parents wish you were dead.

ha ha ha, yuck it up, tall people. you look like your mom was sexually taken advantage of by a tree, told your father you were still his kid, except everyone at school knew you were 60% sap and bark. the reason you are always wearing stupid shoes is because they dont make anything that looks even remotely pleasing in a size 16. for good reason. because everyone wishes you werent alive anymore.

the only thing worse is a canadian. i mean, you have to be scraping the bottom of the barrel of humanity to not be smart enough to live in michigan. even the city of detroit took a look at you and thought, "not good enough" and thats the worst thing that any city with the capacity to form english words could ever say to a human being.

and im sorry, all germans are still nazis in my book. prove me wrong. i dare you.

women. please. you think you have it so tough with the way people judge you based solely on your weight, looks, and breast size. oh, boo-hoo, no one cares about the content of my character waaaaah. cry me a river of tears and irrelevant estrogen. maybe if you tried pulling your weight in societies around the globe, people would actually take you seriously for a millisecond. but, no, rene zellweger was great in "jerry maguire", which was a movie made 15 years ago. so yeah, keep using that as an excuse to not jump off a cliff. pathetic.

oh hi, im a old guy. im 89 years old and i live in a retirement home. i silently wither away each and every day of my life, too old to work, and too senile to be given a crap about. and thanks to your taxes i get to do so, free of charge, until i croak due to natural causes, or that evil nurse who is stealing my wifes jewelry poisons my cup of warm prune juice. which could easily be 100% poison and i wouldnt know the difference. because im old, and prune juice tastes like anus.

hey dudes, im that fat guy at your cell phone retailer that knows everything about wifi and 4G technology and androids and many other completely worthless technological whatevers. after i get off from work, i walk my ass across the street to the bus stop, but not before stopping at KFC and getting twelve buckets of fried chicken and biscuits and gravy. oh, and a diet coke. im trying to watch my caloric intake. hopefully theres a program on your smart phone that lets you know how little we, as a planet, respect you. and all you have to do is click a button and it shows you the nearest bridge to fall off of. yeah, theres an app for that.

dont even get me started on joggers. theres a perfectly good sidewalk 2.3 feet to my left, but no, im going to run in the middle of the street into oncoming traffic. because that makes sense. all i need is my 200 dollar shoes and my undeserved sense of superiority, and im off! and lets all pretend to be really upset when the medics have to pull their heads of our of their asses, as they lay in a crumpled, bloody mess on the side of the road after getting hit by a bus. what a tragedy. one less idiot sprinting aimlessly around my neighborhood.

yeah, we get it, you love your stupid dog. can you please stop posting pictures of it every ten seconds on my newsfeed? you know what the best thing about your dog is? that its only going to live for 12 years. i'll be that guy dancing on its grave when the mut finally dies after ingesting the rat poison someone named me put in its dish when you werent looking.

oh hi, im that super manly douchebaggy homophobic asshat who watches UFC fights at a bar in the arena district. yeah, bro! awesome fight tonight, bro! lets do that half handshake half man-hug thing every ten seconds while pounding red bull and vodka, but dont get too close to me or people might think we are fags. yeah, thats what all gay people are busy doing when you arent looking. trying to come up with a plan to turn you into a homosexual and have gay sex with you. you are aware that gayness is not a communicable disease, right? do us all a favor and put a gun in your mouth.

hey guys, im that persian looking guy at kroger who walks behind you and has a conversation on his bluetooth device, but you dont know hes on his phone so you turn around and say "im sorry, what?" and then he looks at you like you are the idiot because he was clearly talking on his telephone that is the size of a raisin and shoved directly into his earhole. how could you have been so stupid? cant you see im on my peanut-sized telephone? its totally normal to wander the aisles of a grocery store and talk to yourself. moron.

hi everyone, its me - that guy who has a blog and tries to teach lessons through satire and obvious over-the-top racism and stereotypes, only no one asked me what in the hell i thought and how in the hell i felt because no one cares, and i dont have anything important to say anyway. i put blog posts up once a month using shock humor and the word "penis" to get a few cheap laughs. how refreshing! too bad there are a billion and one other blogs out there on the internets doing and saying the exact same thing, and i liked your humor a lot better when it was called "tosh.0" you unfunny, run-of-the-mill dolt. stick to writing about the orgeon trail and the bachelorette, because no one cares about your life lessons or messages.

hating is easy. liking someone is hard. you read it on the internet, so it must be true.

The Truth About Sharks...

2011-07-13T08:30:00.004-04:00

as the inevitability of the ball-smashing glorious fury that is "shark week" quickly approaches, americans all over the world find themselves in panic-mode. yes, its been an entire year since you paid attention to sharks, and you need a refresher course. its okay to admit it. nothing to be ashamed of.

team secret falcon is here to help.

FACTS AND FIGURES ABOUT SHARKS

* sharks are mammals, and breathe through a slotted hole on the top of their body which is called a "dolphin hole" and is also used for eating and singing traditional shark folksongs. sharks also posses the capability to close off this hole in times of danger, or when its time to make the shark sex.

* sharks are incapable of sleeping, so its vitally important for them to take naps in between class. sharks usually manipulate their schedules to make sure they are home from 3-4pm so they can catch maury povich.

* sharks have many rows of completely replaceable teeth, which routinely fall out during attacks on filthy mexican immigrants who are trying to steal their kelp-picking jobs.

* trying to hide from a shark is futile. sharks have "fins" which allows them to walk (or run) in salt water. humans (or dogs) have their fins removed at birth, and are extremely slow in water (or pool water) when compared to a shark. it has been thought that sharks kill 92% of their human (or dog) targets, which results in millions of deaths a year from being eaten to death by a shark.

* sharks are extremely intelligent animals. scientists at the "research program of study" at the university of nebraska have theorized that zero sharks have ever purchased a sublime album, which makes them infinitely smarter than almost every member of my immediate family with the exception of myself.

* sharks are carnivorous animals, which means they can eat either meat or plants, but prefer plants. meat tends to give most sharks diarrhea, and if youve ever seen shark diarrhea, youd know why they try to avoid it at all costs.

* most sharks never meet their parents, which leads to a tumultuous early childhood - based on the novel "push" by sapphire.

* the shark who played "jaws" in the movie "jaws" is known by another name in the shark community - "shark uncle tom".

* sharks generally live in salted waters, though a few species can survive in freshened waters as well. such is the case with the "scioto river murder shark", which has been responsible for twelve deaths in the year 2011. the "scioto river murder shark" is a real thing, and i definitely did not kill those kids.

Standing on the Edge of Forever...

2011-07-06T09:11:00.005-04:00

as she sat on the edge of the old worn sofa, no doubt two to three decades past its prime as a comfortable resting place, connie silently wondered to herself why people refused to bump lines off of anything other than a mirror. it seemed to her that the last thing one would want to see when routinely cutting their life shorter and shorter would be the glaring image of themselves slowly dying looking back at them.

the moment of self-realization quickly faded, as connie rolled the one-hundred dollar bill into a perfectly small tube, as she had done one-hundred times before and one-hundred times before that. placing the tube to her left nostril, she swiftly inhaled the white powder deep into her nasal cavity, and fell back into the dusty cushions of the sofa, knowing that all of her worldly worries would again be gone in matter of seconds.

the radio continued to softly play in the background. as he took in his dose, thurmond, connies long-time boyfriend / supplier / enabler, remarked to no one in general how the tolerance of billy joel music and the amount of cocaine ingested is directly related. connie had hated thurmond for a majority of their relationship, but was aware enough to know that he was simply a means to an end. connie, as most people of a certain persuasion, valued convenience above all else.

smoke from countless packs of marlboro reds sat lifeless in the stale air. connie heard the soft pitter-patter of rain falling upon the apartment, and wondered what time it was. the clock on the wall said three o'clock; am or pm was beyond her grasp, though it didnt much matter. sitting next to her, thurmond reached for and grasped a piece of pizza off of the coffee table and began to loudly gnaw away at it. connie didnt even remember ordering pizza. she thought it had probably been there for awhile.

turning her attention away from thurmonds obnoxious consumption of the slice, connie flipped on the television and was instantly transfixed on a rerun of "the price is right". it was the showcase showdown, and a man in some form of a military uniform was pitted against a morbidly obese woman with a picture of a yorkshire terrier on her large, pink t-shirt. after both contestants overbid on their showcase, connie swore that if she ever made it to the showdown (and she knew someday she would), she would show everyone how the game is really played. not like those idiots who jump up and down and become hysterical just from hearing rod say their name and "come on down!" she would be in it for the ultimate victory, and would let nothing and no one stand in her way. someday it would happen. no dount in her mind. someday.

her attention was broken by the loud, deep belch of thurmond. connie could feel the anger quickly building in the pit of her stomach. the pizza was gone, and so was connies patience. thurmonds outburst had finally worn down her last nerve, and she knew the time had come to do something about the man whom she so deeply despised.

in a flash, connnie stood up and straddled thurmond, effectively cutting off any immediate path to safety. grabbing him violently by the hair, she pitched his head to the left, exposed his neck, and savagely sank her teeth into his jugular vein. thurmond, paralyzed with shock and fear, could only sit by as connie drained the life from him, pint by excruciatingly painful pint.

oh yeah, connie is a vampire.

NEW SEASON OF TRUE BLOOD ON HBO!!!!!!!!!

i hate you all.

Moments That Change Your Life...

2011-06-24T09:16:00.006-04:00

every now and again, a man (or a woman, which is the same thing as a man only weaker and with a scientifically-proven smaller brain) comes to a point in his (or her) life where he (or she) does something that will change his (or her) life forever, no matter what. its a crossroad that leaves you forever different, and leads you down a new path towards a different destination.

no matter who you are, or how hard you try, these are the moments that truly define us as men (or women, which are just like men, only more prone to getting pregnant or wearing those hideously ugly strappy flat sandals that have those leather heel patches on them).

MOMENTS THAT CHANGE YOUR LIFE...

* you are walking down the sidewalk enjoying nature, thinking about how maybe youll go to the mall later to buy items with money, and BAM you trip and fall into a large puddle of muddy water. only its not water. and its not a puddle. its a razorblade hole. and youre dead.

* you get into an argument with your friend about who is better at mario cart 64, and it gets heated. punches are thrown, you eventually push him down the stairs and hes paralyzed for life. whats worse, youve been sleeping with his mother for months and he finds out about it right after the doctors tell him he will never walk again. but his mom is super hot, so it was totally worth it. plus its not like you are the one who will never walk again. perspective.

* you meet a super-cute girl at a bar, and you make plans to go out on a date the next night. everything is going great - great conversation, excellent food, and you really, really like her. as you pull up to her house and she is about to invite you in, m. night shamalan jumps out of the backseat and is all "YOUVE BEEN DEAD THE ENTIRE TIME" and youre like "noooooooooooo!"

* youre smart, so youve been carrying a rape whistle around your neck for years, and one night while walking down the streets of nelsonville, sure enough, you start to get raped all over the place. the only thing is, your rape whistle doesnt work so no one knows where to find you and you are left alone for like 4 years on an island all by yourself and your only friend is some volleyball that washed up on shore with blood all over it.

* at your 20th birthday party, your dad takes you outside and drops the bombshell of a lifetime on you - hes not your real father. phil collins is. immediately your hair falls out and you start writing horrible, horrible music that people, for completely unknown reasons, actually enjoy.

* youve been writing a book for years, and one day when you are almost finished your house burns down. once you find safety, you fall to your knees screaming aloud how you should have used a computer instead of pen and paper, but your wife is all "WHATS A COMPUTER?" and youre like "WHAT YEAR IS IT?" and she goes "ITS 1776" and your are all "WHAT. IS. GOING. ON."

* you meet the perfect guy at a coffee shop. hes funny, charming, smart, extremely good-looking, and he seems to really like you. he says his name is john, but its not. its kobe bryant. and you just got raped, idiot.

* you meet a girl at a club and she says shes DTF, which you think is awesome, except that her DTF actually stands for "dutch turnip farmer" and you find out that the club you are at is in detroit, michigan. so you kill yourself, which was a good call.

Bachelorette Breakdown: Week 5...

2011-06-22T08:29:00.003-04:00

as we move into the warm, gooey center of season 639 of the bachelor / bachelorette franchise, its becoming easier and easier to see why this show is both the height of human evolution, and the depths of everything our society has to offer. and i know what youre thinking; dont ever immediately start your intro paragraph with your thesis statement, but this is my blog and my hot body and i pretty much do whatever i want with both, all of the time.

there was much to look forard to heading into week 5, as the previous weeks teaser had promised us the long overdue reunion of ashley and bentley (yeah thats still his real name). fast forward to the end of this weeks episode, and we see the exact same teaser yet again for NEXT week. on behalf of america, id like to remind the producers that this is officially the worst season of the bachlorette ever, and if you dont start giving us the goods we are going to revolt and demand chris harrisons little midget head on a stick, lord-of-the-flies-style.

this week saw the cast leave (insert tropical asian country here) for the beautiful banks of (insert tropical asian country here), and we learned that there would be the DREADED TWO-ON-ONE DATE where ashley gives a rose to one guy, and cut the genitals off of the other one and leaves him to die after pouring a bucket of acid on his face. or she sends him home. i cant remember which right now.

the one-on-one date this week went to ben f, who legitimately looks like the offspring of mario lopez and the geico caveman. also, hes a "winemaker" which as best i can tell means that hes been to prison and knows how to make alcohol out of stolen fruit from the cafeteria and urine. ashley picked ben f up at the spacious villa, and they headed out into the city for a date full of awkward silence and people at home wishing that they were dead.

as the daytime adventures ended, the couple surprisingly wound up eating dinner in front of the set of "legends of the hidden temple," which was a game show on nickelodeon in the early 1990s. sadly, there was no sign of kirk fogg or the shrine of the silver monkey. ben f looked positively outraged when ashley showed up wearing a strapless paisley romper, which is without question one of the true fashion horrors of our lifetime. thankfully, there was enough wine to go around, and they were soon engaged in a deep-throat mouth-mambo while a bunch of poor natives danced with firesticks in the background because ABC offered them medicine for both gonorrhea and polio. ben f soon forgot all about the tragedy that was the strapless paisley romper, as the old saying rang true - everyone is hot when youve ingested enough toilet hooch.

the next day was group date time, and ashley was joined by constantine, ames, nick, blake, lucas, ryan, JP, and mickey for some good old-fashioned muay thai boxing, which is just like regular boxing, only you get to kick and slap, and you wear hilariously brightly-colored short-shorts that scream FABULOUS all the way to the gay bar. this interaction took place shortly before the men started their super-intense tickle fest...

Chris Harrison: gentleman and ashley - welcome to muay thai boxing! id like to remind everyone that we value safety above all else, and that i am a television host who makes at least sixty grand a year.

Ashley: you guys, for real you guys, some people have called muay thai boxing "the great dance" and i can really relate to that as a dancer.

Ames: on a cool egyptian night, on the banks of the euphrates river in 1997, i watched various water fowl dive down time and again for fish to bring to their young, and i was reminded of the beauty of mother nature herself. how beautiful, indeed.

the guys proceeded to kinda/sorta fight each other, and nothing of substance really happens until ames gets the living piss beaten out of him by the smiling douche himself, ryan. we are talking completely defenseless here. ames is beaten about the head for what seems like an hour, and then is promptly whisked away in an ambulance that someone made out of a 1987 chevy astrovan.

once at the hospital, the following interaction took place...

Chris Harrison: hello doctor, im chris harrison - im a television host on the TV guide channel in america, and i make at least fifty-five grand a year before taxes.

Doctor: ummm. okay. what can i do for you, mr harrison?

Chris Harrison: just checking up on ames - whats the diagnosis?

Doctor: well, it seems to be exactly what we thought. after many scientific tests, we have medically diagnosed ames as the bastard love child of harry connick jr and a mens urinal, who was then inserted into the womb of an oompa-loompa and given double length veneers at birth. its very sad.

Chris Harrison: i actually was asking about the concussion.

Doctor: oh. no, hes fine, just a bit of a pussy. we removed the sand from his vagina, and hes good to go.

ames rejoined the rest of the unemployed male models later that night at the cocktail hour, where there was food everywhere as if the party was catered. blake gets the rose out of pity, which is the best way to decide who stays and who goes if you are truly in this situation to find the man you will spend the rest of your life with, ashley. you complete moron. you bubbly dancing idiot. i hate you.

the next day its two-on-one date time, and ben c / william both have their sights set on our dopey bachelorette as the three partake in............ rafting down a river next to some elephants or something. it was very oregon-trail-meets-dumbo, and i know i speak for everyone when i say that we were all rooting for ashley to die from a snakebite or cholera. ben c and ashley initially have a lovely conversation where he predictably says things like, "im just a man who sometimes needs to take his shoes off to feel the earth under his feet" even though that is completely arbitrary and doesnt mean anything at all.

once they reach some predetermined bank, they all sit down for a picnic. william takes ashley aside and tells her that ben c has told him that he wants to go home and try online dating (because even the worst of eharmony is better than the best of the bachelorette) so ashley semi freaks out and sends him home. and by "sends him home" i mean "sends him aimlessly floating down the river, most likely towards either his death or untold gold in the lands of OREGON."

william immediately becomes happy, chipper, and annoying-as-hell. we all end up hating him even more than we thought possible, as he makes us do the one thing we swore we would never do - care about ashleys long-term happiness. theres no way she could ever end up being in a healthy relationship with this 12 year old pager salesman, so thankfully she sends him packing as well. i like to think that ben c and william met up at the end of the river on their reject-rafts and kissed through the night as lovers do.

at the rose ceremony pre-party, ashley "meh's" all over every single one of the guys, and gives JP the cold shoulder which makes it all but certain that she still has a huge boner for bentley (real name). she talked to chris harrison about her troubles before handing out the roses...

Chris Harrison: ashley, you are clearly not yourself. whats the matter?

Ashley: i miss bentley. i do. i cant hide it anymore. i miss bentley, and i am a dancer.

Chris Harrison: i would like to remind you that, thanks to my fifty thousand dollar a year salary, i can easily afford the monthly lease payments on the 2004 honda civic i currently drive.

Ashley: i would be kidding myself if i said that i wasnt still hung up on bentley, that i still didnt have feelings for him, and that i am likely one of the greatest dancers who has ever lived.

Chris Harrison: my wife and i shop at whole foods. yeah, its a bit more expensive, but its not like i cant afford it. im a television host.

Bentley: WOOOOO SPRING BREAK!!!!!!!

Ashley: what was that?

Chris Harrison: i didnt hear anything.

chris tells ashley that he will do everything he can to make "something happen," which left me envisioning scenarios where chris would be dragging a bloody and dying bentley back to hong kong through rice fields of ninjas and explosives. I TOLD YOU I WOULD MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN, BITCH.

at the rose ceremony, ashley sends nick home - which confirms to me that she hates people who look like matthew mcconehey. maybe she isnt as screwball as i had originally thought. except she is, because we see in previews for next week her standing outside of bentleys hotel room door, silently praying that he takes her back and doesnt think her latest purple romper makes her ass look big. which it definitely does.

if you take nothing else away from this week of the bachelorette, let it be, without question, that rompers are stupid and are never okay to wear in public or in private. and that if you look like a geico spokesman, you can almost certainly sleep with ashley in a foreign country.

seducing the bachelorette - so easy a caveman can do it. and has. probably multiple times.