Team Secret Falcon

Morning Poetry...

2010-03-11T10:04:00.005-05:00

everyone knows that there are a few things i really excel at in life.

1. not talking about "club gay".
2. making dump and weenus wherever i want.
3. shaking babies until they stop crying.
4. writing kick-ass poetry.

its funny that making dump was number two.

MORNING POETRY FOR YOUR LIFE

Lovely Lady

in my mind
i see her in the distance
as she comes closer, she becomes more clear
i see her hair
blowing in the cool summer breeze
i see her eyes
shining like a beacon of freedom
i see her body
moving effortlessly like a fish through water
she is the woman of my dreams
she is the one amongst many
my one true love
she moves closer and closer
i can see her expression
she looks pissed
super pissed
she says that she feels bloated
and that she wants to get rid of the dog
she says my mother is too nosy
and that she has a headache
oh crap
why does she have half of my stuff?
i cant feel my legs
this isnt going to end well

Youthful Memories

if you ever think to yourself
that its a good idea to put
mcdonalds coffee between your legs
you should probably rethink that
because you could burn your genitals
and that hurts more than you would think

Here Is Why

sometimes when i am at church
people ask me questions
one question i get a lot is
"why dont you date women taller than you"
and im always like
"when was the last time
you thought of rebeca lobo
and you were like
oh yeah, i really wanna hit that"
then they are like
"that is very inappropriate"
and i'm all
"if you dont wanna see my coconuts
then you shouldnt shake my tree"

Taking a Stand

having a mustache says something about a person
way beyond what you would think
its tells people what you believe in
and how you go about living your life
it says to people
yeah, im wearing jean shorts
and yeah, i sell used vehicles
sure, ill wear socks with sandals
and yes, i own several firearms
absolutely, i would love to go with you
to see molly hatchet at the fairgrounds
.38 special is opening for them?
even better
yes, i have a collection of snakes
and i think i could defeat you
at arm wrestling
i have several beer cozys that can be worn
around my neck
i dont trust people with dark skin
and my sons middle name is "earnhardt"
what did you say?
do i drink busch light?
i have a mustache
i think you know the answer to that

Never Have I Ever

lets play a friendly game of
never have i ever
ill say never have i ever something
and if you have done it
you have to take a drink
okay
here we go
never have i ever been addicted to crystal meth
WAGG

Smiles!!!!!

2010-03-09T09:47:00.005-05:00

why are you two so happy???

How to Make Women Love You...

2010-03-05T09:43:00.003-05:00

its a well-known fact around the world that i am fairly adept at understanding the modern woman, and making this untamed sensual beast fall deeply in love with me all over my hot body. people from all over the world have been trying to perfect my technique for hundreds of years to no avail.

while you are somewhat correct in assuming that i can chalk up almost all of my conquests to the combination of the deep aroma of old spice and patchy facial hair, there are a few other tips you should be made aware of if you want to become to become a sexual casanova like yours truly.

HOW TO MAKE WOMEN LOVE YOU

* first impressions are of the utmost importance. always wear cologne, and lots of it. while most men accept that six to eight sprays of curve or CK1 on your neckal region should be enough, what a lot of people dont realize is that no it is not at all. if there is one law that women live by, its that whichever man she meets that is wearing the most cologne is that this is the man that she is more likely to go home with at the end of the night when she is feeling that going home with a guy might be the most electric idea she ever made that night with her own decisions. and a lot of people dont understand that.

* women like to be touched, so dont be afraid of being the one to initialize the contact. shake her hand and say "nice to meat you" - she will think the intentional misspelling is hilarious and witty. try holding the handshake a little longer than you normally would. when saying goodbye, bring her in close for an embrace. take a long, slow, deep breath in and tell her that you enjoy how warm she feels against your skin. at this point she will probably pretend to be outraged and will try to escape. you do not let this happen.

* if theres one thing women can appreciate, its honesty. if you dont like the way she does her hair or the outfit she is wearing, make sure to tell her. if you can tell that she has put on a few pounds or is bloated during that time of the month, suggest that she skip a meal or two. mention that the extra weight is starting to make her look more and more like her mother. women appreciate family.

* women love to be tickled. try playfully holding her down and poking her in the sides. i dont know, maybe you try tying her up so she cant fight you. while she is tied up, maybe you slap her around a little bit.

* women know that sometimes you want to make relations with another woman. women also know that they cant expect you to tell them everything that you do with your day. so, naturally, if a woman finds out that you cheated on her, she probably wont be all that upset about it.

* every woman has a fantasy associated with a cowboy. you know who was a cowboy? the marlboro man. consider taking up smoking.

* women love cooking for their man. but, again, women appreciate honesty above all else. so, when she has made you dinner, its important that you tell her if you dont like it. and instead of making some passing remark about the chicken being a bit dry, pick up your plate and throw it against the wall. push her down on the floor and ask her if she really expects you to eat this crap. tell her that youll give her something to cry about.

* many women in todays world worry that their boyfriend or husband might be secretly gay. chances are, your girlfriend or wife is one of these women. take it upon yourself to ease her worries - try sleeping with her best friend or sister. or both. probably both. this will show her that she has nothing to worry about when it comes to your sexuality. great job.

* women are always pretending that they dont like to be slapped in the mouth when they step out of line. pretending.

* if your girlfriend has a dog, its probably not a bad idea to poison that dog in order to draw her closer to you. upon learning of barkys death, she will no doubt turn to you for comfort and support. this is when you take money from her purse when she isnt looking. you should also give serious thought to drinking her tears for sustenance.

* women love when you use cute little pet names for them. "slut bag" is a good one.

good luck!

How to Land Your Dream Job...

2010-03-03T08:27:00.004-05:00

when i am out on the streets, enjoying this beautiful weather, trying to score the best possible blow in central ohio, people are always coming up to me saying things like "dont walk down that road - thats where the blacks live" and "i do not trust people with dark colored skin" and "isnt it funny how mexicans are always not smiling for pictures?".

to those people i say "hey, kathleen turner - keep your hate speak to yourself."

but even more people lately have been coming up to me and asking me for tips on landing the best possible job in todays difficult economy. and to them i say "i love all people, regardless of their skin tone. and kathleen turner is a hateful racist."

HOW TO LAND YOUR DREAM JOB

* its important to want it. in an economy where there are thousands (maybe even billions) of qualified americans jobless and searching for the very same job you are, its important that you want it more than anyone else. quit your current job. sell your house. leave your wife and children hungry and bloody and without medical care. while you are walking away from your family, push your wife down. it will show future employers just how serious you are about being successful and having it all.

* while you are living on the streets looking for work, dont be afraid of doing certain things for money that you wouldnt have considered a few months ago. vagabond drifters need loving too. but they gotta pay.

* we live in a world where the GDP of many countries are tied together in a massive global economy. this means that you arent just going up against people from the united states for your dream job, but you are also fighting for your economic survival with people from all over the planet. because of this, it probably isnt a bad idea to start aimlessly killing people that look like they arent from your neck of the woods. and beware of those stinking flappy-headed derelicts from the communist republic of canada. just because they are white doesnt mean they are americans. USA! USA! USA!

* many times, during an interview, youll find yourself wanting to break wind but holding it back instead. dont. let that stink cheese rip. employers love that type of can-do attitude. also, chances are that you have been eating out of a garbage can since youve been living on the streets. this can only mean good things as far as smell is concerned.

* if you are being interview by a man, look him up and down (slowly) and tell him that you are willing to put money on the fact that he has a fairly decent looking wife. tell him that, if this interview is going as good as you think it is, that you would love to take her out for drinks afterwards to celebrate. be clear with your intentions. tell him that you want to make relations with his wife.

* if you are being interview by a woman, touch her hair and tell her how soft it is. say that she smells like your ex-wife, and that you like that about her. women love compliments.

* interviewers hate it when their candidates show up for a job interview sober. because of this, its always a good idea to throw back a couple bottle of grandpas cough medicine beforehand. and when in doubt, always drink more! also, if you have drugs (which you should) make sure to offer some to the interviewer. its polite to share. after the drugs have been taken and the mood starts to lighten a bit, mention that you would like to take his wife out for a drink.

* most interviewers have children. almost all children start their lives out as babies. so you can imagine how much the interviewer will appreciate any tips on raising children that you may have. make sure to tell the interviewer that a great way to stop a baby from crying is to shake that baby until it stops crying.

* at this point in the interview process, you will be drunk, high on drugs, passing gas, and will probably have a good idea of whether or not you will be scoring with someones wife that night. this is a good time to ask to borrow money.

* using foul language is something that all business people can appreciate. the general rule of thumb in the business world is that the fouler the language is, the better. also, its a good idea to be clear on the sexual orientation of your interviewer just so he or she will be as comfortable with you as possible. at some point early on in the interview (probably before the drug use), tell them that they are giving off a "i swing from both sides of the plate" vibe, and ask if that observation is accurate. they may seem a tad outraged, but tell them that most of the gay guys you know are drama queens too.

happy job hunting!

Bandi Cambridge - A Working Theory...

2010-03-02T16:30:00.004-05:00

THEORY:

all of bandi cambridges status updates sound exactly the same.

PROOF:

OHHHH SNOOKY. i'm now hooked on that show....

oh conveyor belt of love...you are SO GOOD.

oh laundry....you never go away

Oh sweetheart....Idioms are tough to master in a second language, aren't they?

oh nick, you'll be the death of me this year.

Oh Londonites, if you didn't have such a charming demeanor and splendid accent, I could get real tired of you.

Oh how smart you are to carry travel-sized aerosol hairspray. This is why I love you, Target....this is why I love you.

CONCLUSION:

all of bandi cambridges status updates sound exactly the same.

On The Wings of Suck...

2010-03-02T07:58:00.005-05:00

if you are awesome like me, you no doubt watched with faded breath last night as bachelor jake went against popular opinion and chose vienna over tenley (real names) on the season finale of "the bachelor: on the wings of love".

we were lucky enough to score an interview with the bachelor jake earlier this morning.

this interview (as are all interviews here at team secret falcon) is completely real (fake) and not made up at all (one-hundred percent not true) - enjoy.

TEAM SECRET FALCON INTERVIEW WITH BACHELOR JAKE NO DIGGITY NO DOUBT BACKSTREETS BACK ALRIGHT

TSF: first, jake, we want to thank you for taking the time to sit down with us here at team secret falcon.

JAKE: no problem, morgan. i am a big fan of your oregon trail blogs.

TSF: the bitches love the oregon trail.

JAKE: yep.

TSF: so, right off the bat, can you defend your choice of vienna - who is legitimately cross-eyed - over tenley last night?

JAKE: look, i came into this process with one thing on my mind - and that was to find the love of my life. and no matter what anyone thinks, i had to stay true to myself. vienna is the love of my life, so naturally i chose her.

TSF: correct me if i am wrong, but wasnt it just last season that you were saying that jillian was the love of your life?

JAKE: that statement would be correct, yes.

TSF: shouldnt that send up a few red flags to us as viewers?

JAKE: i am a pilot.

TSF: of course you are. next question. can you speak for a minute to us about viennas crazy eyes?

JAKE: well, its kind of of those "one mans trash is another mans treasure" type of situations. i know that viennas eyes might look a little off to some, but to me they are the eyes of the woman i love, so i think they are practically perfect in every way.

TSF: did you seriously just quote mary poppins?

JAKE: its one of my favorite movies!

VIENNA: jake and i love mary poppins!

TSF: vienna. thank you for joining us. even though you werent invited.

VIENNA: i didnt think you would mind.

TSF: i actually specifically asked for this exact scenario to not happen when we arranged this interview.

VIENNA: i am brutally honest.

TSF: jake, im just going to go ahead and say what all of america was thinking every single week as bat-shit-crazy vienna kept making the cut over smoking hot snatches like ali, gia, and tenley. you banged her while the cameras werent rolling and kept her around because of guilt, right?

JAKE: no comment.

VIENNA: i am brutally honest.

JAKE: i love you, baby.

VIENNA: we have chemistry. i am brutally honest.

JAKE: we have chemistry. i am a pilot.

VIENNA: you are a pilot and we have chemistry.

JAKE: you are brutally honest and i am a pilot.

TENLEY: i am beginning to think that maybe i can start to dream again.

TSF: this is getting out of hand. tenley, where did you come from?

TENLEY: well, i was just walking around thinking about how much i love picnics and rainbows and ponies, and i ended up here!

TSF: is there anyone else in attendance that i should be made aware of?

JAKES MOM: my biggest fear in life is that my daughters-in-law dont get along.

JAKES DAD: (drooling)

TSF: jake, talk to me for a second about how the bachelor process works. is it stressful? do you feel like you actually have enough time to get to know someone well enough to marry them?

JAKE: well morgan, its a difficult journey to say the least. when i first met ali, i thought that she was absolutely beautiful and that i could see myself falling in love with her. when i met tenley, i thought that she was perfect for me and that i would have a very difficult time ever letting her go.

TSF: what about when you met vienna?

JAKE: i thought she had crazy eyes and that i could definitely see her, for some reason, biting me in my sleep. i dont know why, i just got that feeling.

TSF: so what happened to make you choose her in the end?

JAKE: well, we slept together.

TSF: did she ever bite you in your sleep?

JAKE: a few times, yes.

VIENNA: we have great chemistry.

JAKE: you are brutally honest.

VIENNA: i am brutally honest and you are a pilot.

JAKE: i am a pilot and we have great chemistry.

TENLEY: butterflies are my favorite!

JAKE: chemistry and honesty and i am a pilot.

JAKES DAD: (crying, drooling)

TSF: i think i need to gain control of this interview. tenley - talk to us for a moment about how you are feeling after all of this. how has this process changed you as a person?

TENLEY: well, at first after jake didnt choose me, i was down in the dumpy-dumps. but then i sat down, remembered that they are so many pretty clouds in the sky and cute kittens in the world, and i began to feel like i may eventually begin to start to dream sweet dreams again. life is full of amazing and beautiful things!

TSF: i want to drown you.

VIENNA: tenley is a nice girl, but jake is mine. im sorry, but i am brutally honest.

JAKE: and we have great chemistry.

VIENNA: and you are a pilot.

JAKES MOM: i have three daughters-in-law. they must get along.

JAKES SISTER IN LAW: ULTRA BITCH MODE!!!!!!!

JAKES DAD: (sobbing, choking on drool)

JAKES BROTHER: i am dale earnhardt jrs doppleganger.

VIENNA: jake is a pilot.

TSF: i want to thank everyone for being here today. it was a great season of the bachelor, and if i have to hear "on the wings of love" ever again in my entire life, i am going to put a bullet in my temple. on behalf of myself and all of the readers of team secret falcon, you can all go directly to hell.

JAKE: thanks for having us.

VIENNA: we have chemistry.

JAKE: i am a pilot.

VIENNA: you are a pilot and we have chemistry.

JAKE: we have chemistry and you are brutally honest.

VIENNA: i am brutally honest and you are a pilot.

TENLEY: i love stickers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First and Foremost...

2010-03-01T09:28:00.005-05:00

sometimes when you own a blog, you become famous for your writings. sometimes when you are famous, hundreds of women will want to sleep with you even if you are a hideous, disgusting monster. sometimes when people see that you are with this many women, they will want to give you drugs and alcohol for free. sometimes when you do many, many drugs and consume hundreds and hundreds of gallons of pure grain alcohol, you end up not getting a lot of sleep and your brain refuses to come up with new and inventive topics on which to blog.

this is where facebook comes in handy. specifically, the "notes" section where people fill out surveys. when i am hungover on a monday morning from doing drugs and drinking alcohol, i find that filling out a survey goes a long way towards cooling the inner demons inside of my brains that demand hilarious and inventive blog entries.

FACEBOOK SURVEY #5,280

1. Who was your FIRST prom date?
> i went to prom when i was a freshman with the love of my life, molly iams. she was a junior at the time and our love was legendary. sadly, upon the day of her high school graduation, i was drafted into the army and we lost touch. every now and then, when i am trying to fall asleep, i hear a woman crying off in the distance in the mountains of columbus, ohio, and i cant help but feel that it is molly and that she is waiting for me to come and rescue her from her current life of meaningless nothingness so that we may be together forever. someday we will be together, my love. none of that is actually true.

2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love?
> you know i dont answer questions like that about my bitches. except for the previous question. and every other blog entry i have ever written.

3. What was your FIRST alcoholic drink?
> i think it was an MGD when i was a freshman in high school, though i remember my dad letting me take sips of his beer at cooper stadium when i was a young child. my father and i share a lot of common beliefs. for instance, we feel it is important to let young children (sometimes even toddlers) taste the sweet, sweet nectar of alcohol so that they may develop a healthy yearning for it and wont stop chasing it until they are twelve appletinis deep at 3am and calling their ex-girlfriend to tell her just how much of a mistake she made in choosing someone else. no one can love you like i can, baby.

4. What was your FIRST job?
> in the summer of 1998 i followed tara reid around the country and cleaned up after her whenever she vomited. it actually was way more work then it sounded, and i only lasted three weeks. but even today, the vomiting continues.

5. What was your FIRST car?
> if you have ever read this blog, you know all about the 1991 pontiac grand damage. you know of its wonder. you dont need me to tell you. you already know. some of you were even lucky enough to ride inside of it. thats what she said.

6. Who was the FIRST person to text you today?
> barndo, and he said - "sorry about last night. i dont know how that happened. i hope things arent weird between us. i'll call you sometime."

7. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning?
> all of my wonderful co-members in our newly founded "club gay". there are four rules that all members of "club gay" must abide by, and you should know them all if you wish to join...

rule #1 - its gotta be gay
rule #2 - its gotta be HOT
rule #3 - you do not talk about club gay
rule #4 - ahhh boom boom boom

call mike steele if you are interested in joining.

8. Who was your FIRST grade teacher?
> mrs sands. she was roughly 139 years old then, and is almost certainly passed away by now. i know this because i murdered her.

9. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane?
> columbus to detroit, with a layover in pittsburgh. it was for a tour of the cities in america with the most white trash douchebags. i dont know why i kept going after pittsburgh.

10. Who was your FIRST best friend & do you still talk?
> paul pfeiffer, and no, not really. once i came home on the fourth of july and winnie was with some other guy, the three of us really grew apart. the last i heard, paul had gotten really into some pretty hard drugs, and was living in sin with a middle aged prostitute in arizona. sometimes i call winnie to see how she is doing, though i try to make it through a few appletinis first. you know, just for the enhanced courage. just so shell know exactly how i feel. no one can love you like i can, baby.

11. Where was your FIRST sleep over?
> true story here. it was at sean ryans house, and we were gleefully watching the WWF and pretending we were hulk hogan and the ultimate warrior. you know, kids having a good wholesome time and not hurting anyone. then seans father came into the room and was clearly in angry dream-crushing mode. he told me that wrestling wasnt real, and i began to cry. the very next week, my dad told me that santa wasnt real and that i would probably never play for the celtics or even in the NBA. i dont know what it is about me that screams "please destroy my life", but it looks like it hasnt come close to wearing off quite yet.

12. Who was the FIRST person you talked to today?
> dick picker aka backyard bitch aka mystery guest.

13. Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time?
> i was in my dads wedding, which is far less redneck than it sounds - i promise. it was in 1996 and i was 14. after the ceremony, sean ryans dad told me that he didnt think it would last and that i would probably die alone. dream-crusher!

14. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning?
> realized that tonight is the season finale of "the bachelor: on the wings of love" and quickly urinated in my pantolones. i swear on everything that is holy - if he picks vienna, i am going to throw a brick through my television. jake, i know that you are 85 percent dead behind the eyes and that your brain is in constant "do situps - go to the gym - sleep - bang bitches" mode, but even you have to realize what a tragic mistake you would be making if you married a former hooters waitress that is 23 and already once divorced. if you are going to marry a divorced hooters waitress, you know that you have to wait until they are at least 34 and really desperate. this is when they will do almost anything in order to procreate.

15. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to?
> fairly certain it was aerosmith at polaris in 1994. defintiely saw men doing lines of coke in the bathroom. it was a good show, great memories, and the reason i am the coaine addict that i am today.

16. FIRST broken bone?
> i broke my hand punching the wall when they cancelled "garfield and friends" in 1994.

17. FIRST piercing?
> a lesser man would make a penis joke here. but i refuse to lower myself to that level. and anyone that does can expect me to punch them directly in the penis.

18. FIRST foreign country you've gone to?
> canada, eh? take off, hoser.

19. FIRST movie you remember seeing?
> it was when i was about two years old, and it was two people who werent wearing any clothing. maybe one of them was in a maids outfit, i dont know. its tough to remember. my dad got a little upset when he found me watching it. he said it was "daddys special movie" and that i shouldnt tell my mom about it. what a hilarious pornography joke.

20. When was your FIRST detention?
> i wrote a fake note to a bus driver so i could go to matt woods house after school. furthermore, i remember when sean gould got a detention in 2nd grade for tell the only black kid in our school (tony dent) that he looked like chocolate milk. how outrageously inappropriate is that? pretty damn inappropriate, thats for sure. also, its a little absolutely hilarious.

22. Who was your FIRST roommate?
> my brothers and i shared a room for my entire childhood until my parents decided to give me my own room sometime around 6th grade. i havent slept in the same room with another person since.

23. If you had one wish, what would it be?
> to end world hunger and find a cure for all the diseases that people suffer from. actually, thats not true. if i had one wish, i would want to be president of the world, and i would institute policies that guaranteed more wide-spread hunger and i would put billions of dollars towards researching new and more painful diseases, then i would infect a good majority of the planets population and laugh as they begged for help / died. that nice thing i said at the very beginning of this paragraph was actually not true at all.

24. What is something you would learn if you had the chance?
> how exactly someone would become president of the world. im not sure that specific office actually exists. yet.

25. What was the FIRST sport you were involved in?
> i used to watch a lot of "my little pony" when i was a kid. i always hated shows like "gi joe" where there was a bunch of shooting and killing, as it didnt exactly speak to me. come to think of it, my involvement in "club gay" is probably not a huge surprise to anyone who knew me when i was a kid.

26. What were the FIRST lessons you ever took?
> awesome-badass lessons. sometimes lessons pay off, children.

27. What is the FIRST thing you do when you get home?
> i do bicep curls while staring in the mirror and repeating the phrase "picture me rollin" seven to eight hundred times. after that i crush a mountain dew, iron my ed hardy shirts, and urinate into a large jar that i am trying to fill up with my own pee for no good reason whatsoever. depending on how i am feeling, i might cut myself and watch some tennis. sometimes i look at pictures of giraffes and cry. richard gere is a real hero of mine. the movies hes made over the years - i dont really watch them. but the facts that hes making them, i respect that.

Questions People Are Always Asking Me...

2010-02-26T16:04:00.004-05:00

or in case you are easily confused, Q-PAAAM for short.

QUESTIONS PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS ASKING ME

Question: whats the worst case scenario for a girl?

Answer: getting stranded in the wilderness and still having to get ready for a first date. doing your hair with only blurry self pictures from your camera phone is pretty much what all girls go to bed worrying about at night.

Question: what hurts more - being in the corner, being in the spotlight, or losing your religion?

Answer: being in the corner. because in case of wild animal attack (which happens way more than you think it does) being in a corner is, like, the worst place you can be. in scenarios where you arent being attacked by a wild animal (impossible in this economy), im not really sure how to answer that question. its not something that happens very often.

Question: if you were on the jersey shore, what would your nickname be?

Answer: the unavoidable eventuality.

Question: dont you have a theory that we could somehow use luke wilson to defeat americas worst enemies?

Answer: yes, good memory. fat luke wilson is the most overlooked person in the entire world. the fact is, we know that switching to at&t makes you fat, ugly, and out of work. and we arent using this knowledge to somehow defeat our enemies? outrageous. i dont know about you, but when you think about this type of gross miscalculation, its no wonder so many wild animals are attacking americans in todays unstable economy.

Question: its your last blog entry before the end of black history month - anything specific you would like to share?

Answer: black history month is stupid - and no, not for the reason you think im going to give, you racist. the fact that we picked the shortest and most miserable month in the entire year to honor black people makes it very easy to understand why so many animals are going around viciously attacking native americans in todays economic climate. cowboy curtis from pee-wees playhouse (the greatest and most treasured person in the history of people with dark skin) would be outraged if he knew how we were currently celebrating black history month. sadly, he was recently murdered to death by a stampede of cattle, who were in primal attack mode due to americans failing economy.

Question: what is something that is true about babies that most people dont know?

Answer: babies cannot speak english, and trying to teach them to speak english is a waste of your time. that baby will only talk when it becomes a child, and the speed at which that happens has due to with the amount of milk you let it eat, and the amount of milk you let it eat only. asking your baby if it can say "mama" or "dada" is basically ensuring that it will never learn to speak english. you want your baby to learn to talk? let that baby eat some milk.

Question: what is more important - having it all, or accomplishing your dreams?

Answer: i remember reading a book one time that really meant a lot to me. the words, the paragraphs, and the way the author (or "book maker") put them together to create the story was something that made me think about what it meant to be a man. once the information impacted inside of me for long enough, i realized that accomplishing your dreams was probably the greatest thing anyone can do with their life. that being said, having it all is almost certainly more important. the name of that book? to be honest, i kinda dont remember exactly what we are talking about right now.

i have to go make dump and weenus.

Interview with Kathleen Turner...

2010-02-25T12:27:00.004-05:00

no, not that kathleen turner. yes, that kathleen turner. no, not that smoking hot bitch from the 80s. yes, that smoking hot bitch from the 00s. no, not that kathleen turner who is famous for topless scenes on the silver screen. yes, that kathleen turner that is famous for topless scenes at the hullabaloo.

today (saturday) is kathleens 30th (28th) birthday, and we (just morgan) here at team secret flacon (falcon) thought it would be super awesome if kathleen (morgan) would grant us an interview (fake interview).

amazingly, she did (did not)! so, here is an interview with kathleen turner (leenie227@aol.com) that is real (fake) and not made up at all (completely made up).

REAL INTERVIEW WITH KATHLEEN TURNER

TSF: first, i would like to say thank you for taking the time to sit down with team secret falcon. we appreciate you for many reasons, including, but not limited to that cheap amateur level pornography that ended up circulating around the internet last year. that was some really, really hardcore snuff action.

KT: thanks a lot. i actually dont really remember that specific shoot, but i ended up being pretty proud of it once i saw the finished product. that guy was pretty massive. i didnt know i was that.......capable.

TSF: oh that is just fantastic.

KT: thanks.

TSF: anyway, do you have any big plans for your upcoming birthday?

KT: not really sure as of right now, but i am assuming whatever i do will involve rumple minze and some fairly hideous decision making where my long-term health is concerned.

TSF: just to be perfectly clear, should we be expecting any more, ummm, video tapes released after this weekend?

KT: the answer to that question is kinda up in the air at this point, but i have a pretty strong feeling about it.

TSF: which is?

KT: yes, hell yes. expect more tapes. probably a couple more. probably at least four or five more.

TSF: you are a delight. moving along now, can you tell yourself a little bit about yourself? where youre from? what you enjoy doing with your free time?

KT: sure, no problem jim.

TSF: my name is morgan actually.

KT: good one, jim. in any case, i was born to loving parents named carly and james in the spring of 1976.

TSF: i know your parents. their names are denise and jonathan. not carly and james. your parents are not carly simon and james taylor.

KT: right. my dad went on a prolonged "vacation" for most of my childhood, and my mother raised me on a old plantation in greenbow, alabama that she fixed up and made into a rather successful bed and breakfast. i was an only child. when i was old enough, i played high school football and entered the military. eventually i married my childhood sweetheart, but she died of AIDS shortly after our bastard child was born. it was a pretty sticky situation.

TSF: .......that is a rough outline of the plot to "forrest gump".

KT: a large coincidence, i must admit!

TSF: is it not true that you grew up with both of your parents and a younger brother on cimmaron road in upper arlington, ohios "golden ghetto"?

KT: yes, that statement would be accurate, yes.

TSF: did you have any pets growing up?

KT: yes, a cat - it was a male and his name was "moldy".

TSF: is it not true that the cat was actually a dog and her name was "dusty"?

KT: yes, that statement would be accurate, yes.

TSF: give us an indication of what a typical day inside the life of kathleen turner is like.

KT: great question, jim. well, i usually wake up from my boones farm induced blackout around 11am or noon. from there i try in vain to scrape the caked-on vomit off of my neck with a screwdriver or large, metal spatula - sometimes drawing blood. when this doesnt work, i am forced to shower. after showering, i turn my stove on and leave the door slightly ajar to attempt to heat my house. needless to say, i have trouble paying my bills! hence my recent entry into the film industry.

TSF: actually, in your case, the term "film industry" should be encompassed by quotation marks.

KT: right. "film industry". moving along. when i have free time on my hands, i usually spend it volunteering down at the scioto river making sure the ducks and geese are staying warm enough during these frigid winter months. its a thankless job, but someone has to do it. i am glad to help out!

TSF: is it not true that not only does the "scioto river" not accept "volunteers", but that you spend your time there illegally chasing water fowl while murmuring under your breath that "theyll be sorry someday that didnt choose me"?

KT: yes, that statement would be accurate, yes.

TSF: is it also true that those scary and disturbed thoughts are directed at the judges of "american idol"?

KT: yes.

TSF: have you ever auditioned for "american idol"?

KT: no i have not.

TSF: what do you look for in a potential romantic partner?

KT: well, being honest is an important characteristic i look for in someone i am going to share my body with. i also value men who remind me of my step-father. we had a rough relationship during my childhood, but the things he taught me are lessons that i will never forget. some of them i still use to this day in the "film industry"!

TSF: you never had a step-father.

KT: no, i actually didnt. but if i did, i would like to think that he would have taught me lessons that would be somewhat valuable during this unfortunate economy.

TSF: give us an indication of what your perfect date would be like.

KT: well, first there would be dancing. lots of dancing! some good conversation, and a couple bottle of wine.

TSF: what about after he picked you up?

KT: penetration.

TSF: thats what i thought. before we go, given you have this exclusive platform of blogging excellence from which to preach, is there anything you would like to say to americas youth?

KT: absolutely. i think its important for kids to remember that its okay to take chances. to make risky decisions. to test your boundaries. staying inside your comfort zone is sometimes the worst thing a person can do wit his or her life. because life isnt about how hard you get hit - life is about how hard you can get hit. its about what you do after. how you choose to respond. this country is a place that was founded on one truth above all else - if you work hard, take chances, and stay true to yourself, you can accomplish anything. you an be anyone you want to be, go anywhere you want to go.

TSF: im going to have to stop you right there. youre going to have to put your pants back on.

KT: its my hot body, and i will do what i want.

TSF: thank you for being with us today.

KT: please dont leave me. i'll make you feel alive. for twenty bucks.

TSF: umm, i gotta go.

KT: ten bucks. five bucks. fifty cents. please dont go, jim. i need this.

TSF: happy birthday, kathleen.

What Have You Done For Me Lately...

2010-02-24T09:30:00.006-05:00

during my lengthy absence from regular bloggings, people that normally replied on team secret falcon to answer most (read: all) of their deepest life questions were left wandering aimlessly through life, grasping onto false positives and throwing themselves at whatever cheap three dollar prostitute would have them on any given night. which is most three dollar prostitutes. on most given nights.

for this, i must offer my deepest apologies. if i could go back in time and change the idiotic drunken retard fest that has been the last month or two of my life, i would. but i cant. so i wont.

in this absence, i got a comment on a previous blog entry that posed the following questions...

dear s. falcon,

with your recent lapse in writing many people are wondering if the things you have taught us are true.
These include:
1. the greatness of drugs
2. if shaking babies is really right
3. if Ohio State is a contender in any sport
4. if Wagg can slap the backboard
5. If Hastings Middle School is real
6. If you even watch Golden Girls

I can only hope that you get your act together and address these issues before a full revolution occurs and people start to seek truth in other place. (religion?)

this is exactly the type of situation i wanted to avoid. here we have someone who has clearly entrusted the most secret of all falcon teams with their heart and soul. without daily affirmations from their trusted source of spiritual goodness, they began to doubt the most important and rock solid laws of our entire universe. for this, i am sorry.

allow me to make these truths as crystal clear as i possibly can.

1. are drugs great?

drugs are pretty much the best thing a young child can do with their life. science has proved time and time again that habitual abuse of drugs leads to such wonderful things as; mass consumption of cheeto products, the hardest and most worthwhile high fives you could ever dream of, and wonderful unplanned unintentional and unholy pregnancies.

people are always coming up to me and asking "morgan, we all know that science has proven all drugs to be delicious and 100% non-addictive" to which i reply that what they said wasnt really a question at all, but more of the truest statement in the history of mankind.

so, in short, i advise you to continue to do drugs at a fast pace. just when you think you cant fit one more line of blow into your nasal cavity, do six more. its your life.

and no one ever died from too much of a good thing.

2. is shaking babies a good idea?

listen, you know how i am going to respond to this. of course shaking babies is the right thing to do. of course shaking a baby is the only real and 100% effective way to get a baby to stop crying.

you can try rocking the baby in a rocking chair or talking to your baby in a soft tone to try to relax it, but very few babies even know what a rocking chair is and even fewer can speak english. MOST BABIES CANT SPEAK ENGLISH.

also, most people dont know this but its a scientific fact that babies are totally capable of getting drunk. listen - im not gonna tell you how to raise your kids, and im not gonna tell you what to do with this information, but getting your baby drunk while you are thinking it over probably wouldnt be a bad idea.

and if your baby tries to fight the jack daniels, pretends it is upset and starts to cry, well, i know a pretty effective way to stop a baby from crying.

3. is ohio state a contender in any current sport?

yes! the mens basketball team currently sits a half game out of first place in the big ten standings, and is ranked in the top ten in both the coaches and AP top 25 polls. the womens team in also a top ten team, and has wrapped up the big ten title for the sixth year in a row. the ohio state football jurrernaut is as powerful as ever, as most analysts project the bucks to be a top 3 team heading into next season.

and you can bet your sweet ass that a tanned, rested, and ready to rock morgan hughes will be the first beautiful bastard on campus come late summer / early fall. the flags will fly, the natural light will flow like wine, and beautiful women will flock to our tailgate like the salmon of capistrano.

4. can wagg still slap the backboard?

while wagg has many visible shortcomings (mountain dew can sized fingers, deep baby blue eyes, horrid facial hair) one thing that cannot be debated is his ability to savagely attack the backboard during a pregame layup line. his backboard slaps have been known to be heard all the way in hamilton county, and the subsequent shock wave of humanity sent through the gym haunts his opponents in their deepest corners of their darkest dreams.

so, yeah, id say that wagg can still slap the backboard. and then some.

5. is hastings middle school real?

i can see why a place like hastings middle school would seem not quite real in the mind of a person who was not lucky enough to walk those hallowed halls of excellence. the stories i tell and the memories i relive here on TSF about those intense years no doubt leave many of you questioning the validity of such a magical and wondrous place.

but i assure you, hastings middle school is most certainly real. it is a place built less by brick and concrete, and more by people, integrity, and unbelievable stories of honor and sacrifice. it is a place where the future leaders of this country are imparted with the skills they will need to lead a new generation, and a place where current and former leaders can look back and be reminded of who they are, and from where they come. for every minute that passes at HMS, there is a story that must be told of past glory.

there are the adam girardis and stewart lemmons and rob wheatons and alison skidmores. the alison jacquets, tj wisemans, and sean cassidys. the ken snyders, michael andrews, ian mautes, branson nyes, lauren cialones, jenny reasers, peter gibsons, and dena salah sadek mohamad abdulah omar shariefs. the mrs settles, mr keenans, mr roeschs, and senorita freaking simons.

people youll never forget. places youll always treasure. memories that will stand the test of time, including that fight after school between matt woods and george simon that was so much less than you thought it would have been.

whether it was beating jones at every sport possible, slow dancing with some smoking hot snatch in the cafeteria after hours, or changing the very future of our world, they were the times of our life and a place that no one who walked through that building could ever forget.

yes, virginia - there is a hastings middle school.

6. do i watch the golden girls?

what a silly question. here is a short list of some of things i would rather do than not watch the golden girls...

* bleed razor blades out of my own eyeballs.
* make out with tony basso completely sober.
* let wagg touch my face with his mountain dew can fingers.
* never eat pizza again (which would never happen).
* have my arm torn off by a werewolfe with a chainsaw for a penis.
* listen to a baby cry for an hour without being able to shake that baby to stop it from crying.
* never hear the sweet voice of celine dion again as long as i live.
* play by your rules.
* i dont play by your rules.
* i will never play by your rules.
* i play by my own rules.
* drink an entire bucket of water.

so, yeah, i still watch golden girls. come on.

.........................................................................................

so yeah. team secret falcon is back. the long national nightmare that was the last 1-2 months of my life has begun to clear, and my broken being is on the mend.

i thank you all for your continued support of TSF, and i invite you kiss my black ass if you dont like will smith because thats what we are listening to and its my goddammed car and i choose the music and if you dont like it you can walk your skank ass back to town. wait, no, that wasnt what i meant to say at all.

but still, we are listening to will smith and thats the end of the discussion.

Team Secret Falcon...

2010-02-08T13:04:00.002-05:00

....is not dead.

....is lying in wait.

....is biding its time.

....is preparing to strike.

....will rise again.

Things To Do Other Than Drugs...

2010-01-28T12:30:00.005-05:00

life is full of difficult decisions.

on one hand, we know that doing drugs is 100% safe and 100% fun for all ages. on the other hand we know that, for some reason, bitches be looking down on getting high.

so the question must be asked - what can one do to pass the time when drugs arent an option?

THINGS TO DO OTHER THAN DRUGS

1. debate with your friends why COSI spent millions of dollars on a new facility and it is infinitely worse than it was in the old building. its not much of a debate, but whatever. coming up with things to do that dont involve drugs is really hard.

2. hate crimes.

3. ride your bike to work. when you arrive, break out the driver side windows of your coworkers. tell them its because they are destroying global warming. it wont make sense, but its not like they are unemployed. they can afford new windows.

4. get high and cheat on your wife.

5. if someone accuses you of being racist, quickly respond with "some of my best friends are black" - they will realize that they were greatly mistaken.

6. when you have your friends over who are minorities, make sure not to flaunt your wealth in front of them, as this will make them feel sad. its probably a good idea to hide your valuables - TVs, jewelry, wallets, purses, etc - being observant of your friends feelings is important!

7. cocaine. wait..........no. cocaine is a drug. cocaine is a hell of a drug.

8. swim with the dolphins. its a really cosmic experience of you are high. wait, shit. that involves drugs. this is getting harder than i thought it would.

9. order a donatos pizza, put psychedelic mushrooms on it, and just eat the crap out of it. it will blow your mind. oh yeah, drugs. crap.

10. oh hell, just keep doing drugs. they arent bad for you, and they almost always lead to a healthy life full of good decisions and meaningful friendships.

lessons!

Go Blue!!!!!!

2010-01-28T12:28:00.001-05:00

MICHIGAN FOOTBALL IS FABULOUS!

Being A Good Dancer...

2010-01-20T12:33:00.003-05:00

it is a known fact that 82% of people come to team secret falcon for tips on how to become better dancers. because of this, i usually do a monthly post with some helpful tips for those who want to someday do some serious tap dancing with bing crosby and danny f-ing kaye.

this is one of those posts.

i invite you to sit back, relax, and let me lay this B out for you real slow, girl.

whoa, what?

HOW TO BE A REALLY GOOD DANCER

1. try to think of dancing as less of a physical task, and more of an artistic expression that allows you to create beautiful poetry through motion. if that doesnt work, think of it as more of a physical task.

2. fred astaire is widely regarded as the greatest and most important deep-sea fisherman of all-time. apparently he was also a fairly accomplished dancer. when asked in 1876 what he thought the most valuable aspect of great dancing was, he responded "not forgetting to use those genitals".

3. keeping perfect rhythm while dancing is of the utmost importance for all good dancers. in order to attain such perfection, many professionals will drill a small hole in their chest cavity and insert a mini metronome to aide in their efforts. its probably a good idea to get your children in on such practices early in life if you want them to grow up and accomplish anything in the highly competitive world of dance. using a hammer and a small pocket knife should do the trick. and dont kid yourself - there is going to be some blood.

4. if you want to reach the top of the dancing profession, its probably a good idea to be multiracial. and im not talking someone that maybe looks like they might be kinda spanish or something. im talking your mom is a white former model, and your dad is a black former professional tennis player. yeah, your hair probably looks a little dry and crazy, but you more than make up for it with that inner hatred you have for the kids who made fun of the way you looked when you were younger. that hatred fuels your kick-twists and jump-twirls. which is what a good majority of dancing is anyway.

5. reaching the pinnacle of the dancing world takes equal parts hard work, determination, and willingness to sleep your way to the top. dont be afraid of the things that old man who is in charge of the dance studio says he is going to do to you. your stepdad has done way worse.

6. most great dancers have legs. if you have lost your legs in a tragic gasoline fight accident, forget about it.

surprisingly enough, those are the only six things you need to know about the world of dancing.

good luck!

A Letter From The Past...

2010-01-19T12:35:00.004-05:00

i got a letter from myself this morning. from the past. a past version of me who i forgot existed, and was apparently pretty flipping awesome. a letter from a 24 year old morgan hughes.

well, it was actually an email. i guess at some point in january of 2005 i went to the website futureme.org and typed out an email to myself, and then told the website that i would like it delivered exactly five years later, at which point i would be a smashingly good-looking 28 year old man of many talents who's occasional acne had finally cleared up.

life is hard.

here is what the email said...

subject: 2005 fiesta bowl champs

morgan,

so how awesome was that game against notre dame, eh? troy smith began to look like the real deal in my opinion - i am thinking serious heisman run next year. although i am concerned with the total loss of our defense, i could see us running the table in 2006 and playing for the national title. and how about them basketball bucks, eh? looks like we could make a run at the national championship sometime in the next couple seasons. go bucks.

so, let me guess, you are still single. right? nice work, nice work indeed. you are almost thirty years old and you still havent let a woman trick you into marrying her. good job. lets pretend its that you dont WANT to get married and not that no one would ever choose to spend the rest of their life with you. its easier that way, right? right.

anyway, keep up the good work, and i hope you have seen the braves win a postseason series since i wrote this.

never fake the funk on a nasty dunk.

your pal,

morgan hughes, age 24

some thoughts...

1. troy smith did win the heisman the next season.
2. ohio state did run the table and play for the national title in 2006.
3. the bucks did lose their defense and gave up 39 points to michigan before being throttled by florida to the tune of 41-14 in the MNC game.
4. the basketball buckeyes did end up playing in the national championship game that very season, but lost oden, cook, and conley to the NBA and only made it to the NIT the following season. but we wont the NIT! champions! kinda-sorta!
5. i am still single, and i am pretending it is my choice and not everyone elses.
6. the braves have not even made the postseason since the writing of that email, let alone win an entire postseason series. let alone own many guns that would necessitate an entire rack.
7. 24 year old morgan was smart.

i dont even really remember what 2005 was like. can you imagine living in a place where no one knew who OMGBARACK!!!11!1! was?

the past was definitely a less hopeful place.

NO WE COULDNT.

Welcome to Columbus, OH...

2010-01-13T12:31:00.006-05:00

in my life, i have had the pleasure of living in three major metropolitan areas. as with all major cities in the midwest, they can be put into one of two categories...

1. a nice place to live
2. YOU THINK YOURE BETTER THAN ME????

the latter category stems from having a city full of people who remember a time when their city was in a far better economic condition, and resent the growing numbers of both abandoned industrial sights and people with dark skin. racists.

cleveland, ohio - YOU THINK YOURE BETTER THAN ME????
detroit, michigan - YOU THINK YOURE BETTER THAN ME????

columbus, ohio - a nice place to live.

for instance, when i was living in metro-cleveland i was attending a browns game where i literally had this conversation with a person i did not know...

Stranger: why are you wearing an ohio state hat?
Morgan: because i am an ohio state fan.
Stranger: are you from cleveland?
Morgan: i live here, but i am from columbus.
Stranger: ...f#ck you.

...and this completely and one-hundred percent accurately describes anyone and everyone who is from and lives in the surrounding areas of both cleveland and detroit. if you arent from where we are from, you dont understand us and therefore we hate you. if we hate you, we must verbally (and sometimes physically) let you know about it at all times. and after we scream at you and thump our chests and throw empty beer bottles at your face, we wonder to ourselves aloud why our section of the country gets such a bad rap all the time.

its called irony, and its a dish best served with a complimentary pistons jersey and indians cap.

all this to say, i very much prefer living in columbus to slumming it up in any other midwest city. dont even get me started on cincinnati (a suburb of kentucky - excellent!), or the utter shithole that is pittsbugh, PA aka the steel city aka the herpes capital of the universe.

REASONS WHY COLUMBUS IS NEATO MOSQUITO

1. its getting increasingly easy to sit back in your rocking chair while stroking your beard and grooving out to dan fogelberg while thinking to yourself how much better you are than your counterparts in cleveland and detroit. "my life has been a poor attempt to imitate the man, i'm just a living legacy to the leader of the band." dan fogelberg is gay.

2. the columbus clippers won exactly one more game than the last place team in the international league of minor league baseball last summer. hence, the only place to go is up! or, well, i guess we could slip into last place. but that would never happen! except that it probably will happen.

3. if you are in the mood to contract a slew of sexually transmitted diseases, in most cities you would find yourself being whored all over town for an entire weekend. in columbus, spend one hour in our local disgusting douchebag factory, and all of your worldly STD wants and needs will be instantly taken care of. great success.

4. the local ducks down at the scioto river are always hungry and will eat whatever breads you can spare. i like the idea of starving wildlife. it makes my evil, black heart content.

5. huey lewis' tour bus must have broken down in central ohio sometime in late 1998, because i swear that guy plays here almost every other weekend. he probably didnt have enough money to fix the bus, so he decided to stay. seriously, he played the dublin 4th of july festival last year. ive seen the news, huey - and what its saying about you is fantastic.

6. the frigid temperatures in the winter guarantee that we are not at risk for being attacked by swarms of killer bees. so we have that going for us, which is nice.

7. columbus is just far enough away from detroit that the risk of being hit by a stray bullet is fairly low. still, its probably not a good idea to stand outside at night or near any open windows. you never know when you might get detroited.

8. do you fear that you may have a .38 caliber smith and wesson revolver stuck in your anus? come to port columbus international airport and find out if your fears are vaild!

9. the good news? downtown columbus was built on the banks of the beautiful olentangy river. the bad news? the water is poison and if you touch it you will die.

10. according to the most recent census, 3.44 percent of people who live in columbus are asian. meaning that if the future of our city depended on answering a couple really hard math problems or taking part in a violin competition, we would probably be in pretty decent shape.

What Women Are Really Saying...

2010-01-11T10:34:00.005-05:00

people come to team secret falcon for a variety of reasons. some come for the uninformed coverage of college football. some come for nude photos of betty white. some come because they have a secret crush on me and they think i am hilarious and mildly attractive. few people come for that reason. very few. maybe two people. a couple months ago. okay, no one has ever come to team secret falcon for that reason. still, it could happen. but probably not.

most people that come to team secret falcon are men, and most of those men come so that they may gain a better understanding of the opposite sex and what makes them tick. and i dont blame you. no website that specializes in ohio state athletics and spice girl reunion gossip on the world wide internets has contributed more to the general understanding of women more in the last five years than team secret falcon. its what i do best.

women are famous for saying one thing and meaning another. they intentionally and knowingly mislead menfolk so that they may more easily trick these poor bastards into impregnating them, raising their children, and buying them super cute handbags.

omghandbags.

below is a short list of a few of these sayings that women use, along with a helpful translation into man-speak so that you will always know exactly what your wife / girlfriend / slampiece is saying when that verbal diarrhea starts ah-flowing.

WHAT WOMEN ARE REALLY SAYING...

SHE SAYS: i've never felt this way about a man before.
SHE MEANS: i used to be a lesbian, but i switched teams due to the tax benefits.

SHE SAYS: you are the most gentle lover i have ever been with.
SHE MEANS: my ex-boyfriends name is jamarcus.

SHE SAYS: i'd like you to meet my sister, lauren.
SHE MEANS: OH MY GOD YOU WANT TO SLEEP WITH HER, DONT YOU????

SHE SAYS: sometimes i get sad and theres really nothing i can do about it.
SHE MEANS: i outwardly chalk up my violent mood swings to PMS, but in reality im just a nasty wench who uses excuses to hide the fact that not getting exactly what i want makes me want to smash your genitals into a fine dust-like powder. which i will do given the right opportunity.

SHE SAYS: i dont care if you just want to hang out with the guys tonight. have fun!
SHE MEANS: i care about you hanging out with the guys tonight about as much as you care about having sex with me for the next three weeks. which, apparently, is very little. have fun!

SHE SAYS: i dont care about having a big wedding - i just want to be with you for the rest of my life. everything else is just icing on the cake.
SHE MEANS: OMGWEDDING! OMGCAAAAAAAAAAAAKE NOM NOM NOM.

SHE SAYS: i would like to have children someday.
SHE MEANS: i have already stopped taking my birth control.

SHE SAYS: the thing i love most about you is how free you always seem to be.
SHE MEANS: my ex-boyfriend is in prison.

SHE SAYS: i was single for thirty-six years, and as it turned out, i was looking for you in all the wrong places.
SHE MEANS: i was in my mid thirties, i could literally hear my biological clock ticking while i was trying to get to sleep at night, so i significantly lowered my standards. thats when i met you.

SHE SAYS: i am really tired tonight.
SHE MEANS: if you so much as even look at me when we go to bed, i swear on everything holy that i will castrate you with my mind. i will literally think so hard about your testicles being cut off with a ninja sword that they will magically tear themselves away from your body and go running for cover from me, the queen of the sub-zero artic ball-smashers.

SHE SAYS: the size of your hands make me feel safe.
SHE MEANS: my ex-boyfriends name is jamarcus.

SHE SAYS: do you think angelina jolie is sexy?
SHE MEANS: do you think i am fat?

SHE SAYS: my mother just wants whats best for me.
SHE MEANS: my mother is a meddling cow of a woman who doesnt think you are good enough for me and will be a constant pain in your ass for as long as we are together. also, i am pregnant. also, my mother is going to out-live you.

SHE SAYS: i dont really care for jewelry. its not what i am about.
SHE MEANS: if you dont buy me a diamond that my friends will be jealous off, i am going to poison your dog. tonight.

SHE SAYS: i am the kind of woman that will try as hard as i can to get the post-baby weight off as soon as possible.
SHE MEANS: the difference between "try" and "accomplish" is extremely significant, and i really really like watching TV while i gnaw on oversized tube of salami.

SHE SAYS: there are a lot of things i would like to get done around the house this weekend.
SHE MEANS: i sold your golf clubs.

SHE SAYS: you always leave me wanting more.
SHE MEANS: my ex-boyfriends name is jamarcus.

Friday Thoughts...

2010-01-08T11:59:00.004-05:00

some items that are occupying my thoughts on this snowy friday afternoon in the capital city of the great state of ohio...

- we (just me) had a conversation (i was talking to myself) in the office today about how dogs are lucky because they dont have to wipe after a satisfying bowel movement. think about how much time you would save and the things you could accomplish if you didnt have to spend all those valuable minutes wiping after you unleashed your fury all over the inside of your toilet bowl. okay, this is getting a little graphic, so i am going to move on.

...diarrhea.

- numerous people have suggested that i put myself on eharmony so that i may relate the stories of the resulting dates on team secret falcon. while this would no doubt result in a most hilarious collection of tales, i am required by "katie's law" to inform all women born after 1980 of my past, ummm, happenings immediately upon introduction in a one-on-one social situation. it usually makes the subsequent interaction, well, kinda short. so eharmony probably wouldnt be the greatest decision for my life right now.

- has anyone else noticed how easy it is to stop a baby from crying just by shaking that baby until it stops making noise? and breathing?

- i think the main reason so many women are interested in having relations with me is because i have my own bowling ball and bowling shoes. its pretty much the two most attractive possessions that a man can be seen with.

- has anyone noticed how the more luke wilson loves at&t, the fatter and more repulsive he becomes? i dont exactly know how, but i am almost certain this discovery can be used to defeat our enemies. all i'm saying is that its at least worth looking into.

- is it just me, or does that snooky girl from "jersey shore" look like she made out with a guido in full clown makeup, glanced in the mirror and thought "yeah, that looks goooooood" and then refused to wash herself? for a month?

- just got a call from my mechanic who is working on gary the buick, and looks like our friend is going to cost me $900 to fix and get up to proper working condition again. the problem? my air conditioning is broken. in january. when the wind chill is below zero. FML.

everyone have a fun and safe weekend. and try not to get raped.

Reasons Why Rod Stewart is Sexy...

2010-01-07T08:05:00.003-05:00

it needs to be said...

1. effectively pulls off the 64 year old frosted-tip mullet better than anyone on the planet.
2. he doesnt object if you call collect.
3. once kicked a soccer ball so hard at a guy stealing a womans purse that the guy exploded on contact. so did the woman, but hey - crisis averted.
4. is not a good-looking teenage vampire.
5. retains full bowel control. an admirable trait at his advanced age.
6. dropped out of school at age fifteen. school sucks.
7. has knocked up five different bitches. FIVE. i havent even knocked up one bitch. yet.
8. actual real-life quote from rod freaking stewart - "instead of getting married again, i'm going to find a woman i dont like and just give her a house." rod freaking stewart.
9. his performance on the 1973 song "stay with me" by the faces, led ninety percent of men in the united kingdom to admit that they would sleep with him given the chance, beginning a streak of obvious gay social choices that continues with most men in the UK even today. what?
10. eats at el vaqeuro fives times a week.

spare the child, spoil the rod.

How to Succeed in Business...

2010-01-06T11:36:00.004-05:00

in todays world, there are many things that could make a person feel scared and overwhelmed. some of these things include...

1. good looking teenage vampires
2. surging population of soulless ungodly ginger kids (sick)
3. killer bees
4. getting your girlfriend pregnant
5. business

today, we will focus on business. and try not to worry about the other four. you cant control everything in your life no matter how much you want to. let me worry about getting your girlfriend pregnant.

WAYS TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS

- necessity is the fire that fuels innovation - use this long-held belief to grow your sales. for instance, at a company party you could take a ninja sword and slice off the head of your coworkers wife. while he is busy crying, float him the idea of your new dating website. he will likely appreciate your effort to help him get over this completely unavoidable tragedy.

- customers like it when you take charge. while making sales calls, remember to sexually force yourself onto the first halfway decent looking receptionist you come across. she will probably yell something like "rape" and plead with you to stop, but shes a liar and wouldnt be wearing that shirt if she didnt want something to happen.

- remember that almost no business is outrageously successful during its early stages, so try not to get too stressed out if things dont seem to be going your way initially. take a deep breath and try to relax. if that doesnt work, you can always smack your wife around. or your kids. bruises almost always heal.

- one word.........plastics.

- if you work from a home office, its important to remember that you must separate your business life from your personal life. dont worry about doing the dishes or taking out the trash between the hours of 8am and 5pm. try to distance yourself from every day distractions that could interfere with getting your work done. for instance, if your baby is crying its a good idea to shake that baby violently until it stops crying. business first.

- if you are like most of the businesses in america, your target consumer group is likely white people. if you are undertaking a major advertising campaign, be sure to include pictures of black people and asian people using your product while smiling and / or high-fiving each other. white people love to pretend they are tolerant of other cultures.

- business is a game, and games are played to be won. lets not pretend you wouldnt do anything to make your dreams come true. say, i dont know, crystal meth? yeah, you know what im talking about. lets party. lets get some hookers and just go crazy. yeah, ill make out with a dude. so what? you think youre better than me? you dont know anything about me. you dont know who i am. you have no idea where i come from. im from swansea road. i eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.

- dress to impress. people wont do business with someone who doesnt look the part. wear some tight pants that really accentuate your genitals.

- find out where your closest competitor lives. get drunk. burn his house down while his family is sleeping.

good luck, future entrepreneurs!

Goals For 2010...

2010-01-04T12:30:00.003-05:00

its a new year, which means a few things here at team secret falcon...

1. free high fives to the first five strapping older gentlemen who can figure out where on my hot body i am most ticklish.
2. my attempts to convince molly iams to leave her husband and child for me will be stronger and more concentrated than ever.
3. time to make some goals for 2010.

sit back, relax, and get a sneak peak on what you can expect from your friend morgan in the next twelve to sixteen months. or however long a year lasts. maybe seven weeks. no one is really sure.

GOALS FOR 2010

- find a really neat scarf that i can wear indoors with my v-neck white vintage t-shirt, fedora, and thick-rimmed glasses. wear it in front of my douchey white hipster friends while remarking as condescendingly as possible how much "character" local musical acts have when combined with the proper microbrew.

- learn a different language. forget english. que?

- train my cat to wash my soiled under linens. they have been far too soiled as of late.

- throw a party called "the mystical dolphin revolution" and have the meaning be totally and one-hundred percent clear to all in attendance.

- run into the grandview heights police building with nunchucks duct taped to my bare chest screaming "THE SHREDDER IS ON THE LOOSE". at least five times.

- convert as many people as possible from their normal use of the phrase "taking a poop" to the more PC-friendly phrase "laying a fresh one".

- collect my scabs, spit, and blood and store them in my refrigerator. just in case.

- introduce the world to, and familiarize them with the hot new term of twenty-oh-ten - DOUBLE THUMB BLASTING THE STRANGE!!!!!!!!!!!

- shake as many babies as it takes for this planet to become a safer, more healthy environment for our children. if i have to violently shake one-hundred babies until they all stop crying in order to protect our children, well, then thats exactly what i am going to do.

- ninja-kick ben harper in the back of the head for his continuing theft of my kisses from me.

it is going to be a great year.

Goodbye, 2009...

2009-12-31T12:23:00.004-05:00

as we near another transition of one year into another, i cant help but think what a fantastic and glorious year 2009 was. we learned much. we watched as history was made. we beat the shit out of children because it made up feel strong while we were drunk on gas station vodka. we laughed, we cried, we hurled.

THINGS I LEARNED IN 2009

* some people take great offense to status updates on facebook. say, a status update where someone goes out of their way to insult someone or something to an extent that is so clearly over-the-top that it can only be taken seriously by a person who has ever seriously believed that a political figure has the power to change the world. it doesnt matter who your vote goes to for president, and i dont really hate women. come on.

* its okay to abuse your children, so long as you are drunk on gas station vodka.

* its not prostitution if you have feelings for the hooker.

* girls dont like it when you tell them that you can tell they are "putting on their winter weight".

* martina hingis is the greatest womens tennis player of all-time in the hot-bitch-who-does-tons-of-coke category.

* actual gay people dont care if you say the word "fag" - because they say "fag" waaaaaay more than you could ever say "fag".

* when a homeless vet is holding a sign that reads "spare change, please" it is likely his eyes are really saying "awesome high five, please" - even if he spits at you when you try to touch him and starts screaming about the FBI. thats just his mouth saying that. his eyes are still begging for the high five.

* getting to third base with a girl is easier when she thinks you drive a really nice car. hahaha! gotcha, hussie! i drive a buick!

* the apex of karate dominance is probably when you start killing bad guys in your sleep.

* a great way to get a baby to stop crying is to shake that baby until it stops crying.

* the friction between black people and white people could likely be solved by either white people using more sugar in their kool aid or black people using less. racial harmony.

* while its true that not all asian people know karate, can you really afford to take that chance?

* no one really know exactly how much fish pee you consume in your life by drinking 8 glasses of water a day, but its agreed on by scientists that the number is probably somewhat insane.

* if your company hires a new secretary, the president asks you what you think of her job performance, and you respond by saying "well ted, it certainly doesnt make me want to railroad her any less" you are likely one hilarious son of a bitch.

* a good way to get a girl to spend the night at your apartment is to steal her shoes. she cant go anywhere without shoes! and she cant call the cops if shes dead.

happy new year!

Post From My Blackberry...

2009-12-24T12:48:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure how I feel about this. But ill give it a shot anyway...

So I agreed to meet Barndo and Brigid and Kenny and Bernon and Stella at Cosi ( not the center of science and industry as I originally believed) for lunch at 1pm. I arrived at 12:35 because I am always early to everything, and was informed by Barndo via phone call that they would all be around 30 minutes late. No big deal, I'll just type up a quick blog entry.

So let's talk about a few things that I am feeling jolly and thankful for this holiday season.

1. Landsharks. Not the Columbus major league lacrosse team, but Landsharks that trick you into opening your front door then savagely attack you by eating you with their mouth right on your head.

That's pretty much all I am thankful for.

Things To Do On Your Lunch Hour...

2009-12-17T12:09:00.003-05:00

one of my biggest fears is that someday i wont have anything to do on my lunch hour, so i will just keep working and wont eat, causing a chain of events that culminate in my slow, painful death via starvation.

so i decided to jot down a list of things i could do on my lunch hour that would guarantee that i would survive well into the 21st century, whenever that happens to start.

now i will share this list with you.

THINGS TO DO ON YOUR LUNCH HOUR

- invent a new language, like, maybe, a mix between spanish and english. teach it to your children, and raise them to hate minorities. that last part is just for fun.

- go hiking on a trail that not many people know exist. it doesnt have to be secluded. it doesnt even have to be real. it could even be the street your office is on. just walk down the street. go on a walk down the street.

- make a new friend. be honest with them and tell them all about yourself. tell them about your mom and dad. tell them how you killed that guy in indiana last year when you were really drunk. its probably not wise to tell your new friend about that, though. you should probably kill your new friend. meeting new people is dangerous.

- ask your boss for a raise. when he refuses, tell him you have pictures of him and his secretary making babies at the company christmas party last year. when he says that this is impossible because he had his genitals removed during a painful surgery after a car accident in the mid 80s, tell him that he shouldnt bring his personal problems into the office. gross.

- take a beginner karate class. upon arrival, seek out the most advanced child in the facility and punch him as hard as you can directly in the face. KARATE CHAMPION.

- shake a baby until it stops crying.

- pick up your phone, dial a number at random, and tell the person on the other end that if they ever want to see their child alive again, they will meet you at the designated point with the cash in hand. immediately hang up. they will be pretty relieved when they realize its just a joke.

- eat foods.

- cheat on your wife.

- make a funny noise.

- go "all the way" (see: cheat on your wife)

- tell a coworker that has low self-esteem that if you were them, you definitely would have killed yourself a long time ago. they will appreciate your recognition of their longevity.

good luck!

Why Marriage Sucks...

2009-12-16T09:07:00.006-05:00

i do most of my best thinking in the shower. this morning, while lathering myself up something fierce with softsoap mens body wash, i was thinking about tiger woods. the best time to think about tiger is in the shower. if you catch my drift, sailor.

tiger reminded me of how THE LAST THING IN THE WORLD i want to do with my life is get married. i began to think about all of the reasons why marriage is a terrible, awful, no good, very bad decision, and i thought i would put them in list form so you could benefit from them as well.

you can thank me later.

REASONS WHY MARRIAGE IS PLAYED OUT

- the only reasons you should ever get married is if one person got the other person pregnant, or one person is financially hardass and the other person pretends to love them for that reason and that reason alone. very few people get married for these reasons anymore. and thats just really sad.

- you know why women are smiling when they walk down the aisle? its because they know they can stop pretending to like sports. women are evil. lets try to remember that.

- every generation has this insane thought that they are going to somehow raise the next generation to have these great lives and be the happiest most complete people possible. why cant that be this generation? why cant i have a great life and have all my dreams come true and drive a sweet car and pound snatch every night until the cows come home? must i really project such wonderful nonsense on my poor, unsuspecting ADD-ridden offspring who are the result of the lethal combination of a one night stand with a young lass with severe daddy issues and a case of mango passion boones farm? no thanks, i dont play by your rules.

- have you ever heard those married type people getting into passive-aggressive arguments about something stupid and trivial like the husband leaving the toilet seat up? explain to me exactly how much harder it is for you to put the seat down than it is for us to put the seat up? if anything, its easier to put the seat down just because of gravity. you know, gravity - that law of the universe that keeps your fat ass planted on the couch all day long eating bon-bons and yelling at sammy on days of our lives for being such a dirty tramp? get out of my life forever.

- a good way to get a baby to stop crying is to shake that baby until it stops crying.

- men are not programmed to be monogamous for sixty years, and thats a fact. for you women out there who constantly strive to better understand your male partners, allow me to explain to you very quickly how a male brain works. it has two settings - IMPREGNATE AS MANY BITCHES AS POSSIBLE and SLEEP. when not engaged in the SLEEP mode, the male brain is completely consumed and fueled by, well, you know. telling a man to accept the fact that he will only be unleashing his fury onto one set of ovaries for the rest of his life is one thing - telling a man to accept the fact that the one set of ovaries will likely use sex as a weapon and hold out on him on a regular basis because someone is "too tired" or "has a headache" or "doesnt feel pretty" is another story all together. so, in short, dont be surprised when you walk into your little suburban love nest one day in the not-too-distant-future and your mr right is rolling twelve deep in your bed with the female cast of tool academy. it is going to happen.

- the next time you are at a wedding and the bride and groom are dismissing you third-grade-style from your church pew, shake the grooms hand and whisper into his ear "congrats, travis - the government is now officially involved in your relationship." see what his face looks like. commit that look to memory. remember it when you are thinking of asking your girlfriend to take the plunge. this is real life, you son of a bitch - and recess is over.

- you know why they charge so much for divorces? because they can. because people will pay anything to get out of their marriages. because its worth it.

merry christmas!