White Silk

Here I am. Again.

2015-06-02T06:39:00.000-07:00

This little boy is no more a baby and he's going to get an Adik very soon.

😉

02062015

Here I am...

2014-11-18T20:23:00.002-08:00

This year is going to end very soon and I would call 2014 as a-made-through year since sudden change really turned me into someone too serious. As I am aging, okay, 28 year old shouldn't sound too old but truth is I feel old. I just took a quiz that reveals my mental age. Yeay! I got my real age, 28 while my husband got 45. See how matured my hubby is though he is a few months younger than me. I was a happy bunny the moment I got the result, telling myself I am not that old! Some said if your husband is as same age as you, you may look older. Just an assumption though. I hope so, I wish to look way much younger than him so I am thinking about going to spa for massage and facial treatment. Tak pernah buat pun sejak khawin dan beranak pinak. Hoho.

My pretty boy Affan is already one year old on last September and yeah, it seems time flies very very fast, I am afraid I am gonna miss his babyhood like I do with his big sister. My serious looking boy likes to draw a frown most of the time that his dad always makes fun of it. His development is going fine, but he is not able to call me mama. Waiting for that moment and it feels like ages, haha. Alhamdulillah, he's still on mama's milk, and a full breastfed baby. This second breastfeeding journey seems very smooth-sailing, thanks to my first journey of breastfeeding that taught me a lot. I did skip a pumping session a few times owing to emergency case but manage to get back on track.

My man is still passionate with his business, his effort is fruitful and he never stops climbing up the road of success despite there was time he fell down but I am proud to see him grow stronger days by days. He always choose to get up and never give up. That's my man!

My humble house will soon be completed, In sya Allah, around 2015. We may move into our first house in the end of 2015. I already imagine about the interior design of our house especially the kitchen part. Being a minimalist, we want it to be modern and simple. Since I don't wish to hire a maid and juggling with tots (wish to add more) , I want to make sure that the furniture are easy to handle and the space looks bigger for my tots to run.

That's all for now! ;)

19.11.2014

Just Saying

2014-08-13T21:12:00.002-07:00

Just saying (Part 1)

Clock is ticking

Alarm is beeping

We are still sleeping

When the world is crying

People are dying

We are happily laughing

It's like nothing is happening

They need our understanding

not only seeing

without helping

We should do something

instead of just standing

and say nothing

We should start asking

"Do we care enough for the living?"

Kampung Jawa, 2014

Just Saying (Part 2)

As time is leaving

We are aging

Enough of dreaming

It's time for running

keep going and hang in

for success is waiting

to those who keep believing

No time to give in

Kg Jawa, 2014

Just saying (Part 3)

Stars are twinkling

Moon is sparkling

Sun is shining

Wind is blowing

Time is fading

We are still breathing

With countless blessing

Let's praying

The journey of parenting

is never-ending

As our children growing

let them spread their wing

watch them flying

That's how they are learning

Kg. Jawa,2014

14082014

Coming back!

2014-07-17T20:07:00.003-07:00

Oh my, it happened to me that in all of sudden I feel like it has been so long I haven't opened my blog. And when I open my blog, Argh, I feel like writing again. My obsession of blogging is still alive I can't believe it. Oh my..God knows how much I love blogging. I started to realize that I am no more as expressive as always since my life has gone through sudden change (drastically), being super busy juggling with two munchkins and works, but I am so grateful life has been great. Who says life is easy kan.

So today, I proudly announce that I will continue blogging again. One of the main reasons is that I want to appreciate every single moment of raising them up by writing it in a blog. Print it and let them read one day.

Writing may not be my talent, but I love it.

180714

Weaning off my Ayla

2013-12-02T06:19:00.002-08:00

Okay, Ayla was officially weaned off from breastfeeding about five days ago. I swear this is one of the hardest things to do in my life. It's like I am loosing something big, something precious, something I couldn't find anywhere, something special. Part of me falling apart. I feel like crying but I don't. My hubby just sympathized looking at me juggling with two babies day in day out, he told me that that's the best decision as Ayla has got enough, she was more than 2 and half year old, she does not need the teat anymore. I was in doubt at first, I was torn into two, 50/50, I was just so afraid I am gonna lose the special bonding we have built together for the past 2 and half years.

It happened so fast, I put asam jawa, it didn't work. My hubby asked me to put Nescafe , then Ayla looked at her drug and said,

"Eeei, kotor,eeei"

That was the last moment before she asked for no more.

It's not easy. Seriously. I thanked god, Affan is taking it over. ;). As Affan basking in the warmth of my hands, creating the special bond that I thought I am going to lose it. This helped me to handle the pain of weaning off Ayla.

Ayla,

Alhamdulillah. Mama was so happy to have an opportunity to give you potion of love till the very last drop, by God willing. Looking you grow up healthily and happily really make my days beautiful. I really appreciate every moment we have been together, I never forget the moment our eyes met. The beautiful feeling of having you in my arm to enjoy the greatest gift God gave to you, potion of love. Mama halalkan setiap titis susu mama yang Ayla minum, mama redha, mama doa mohon keberkatan agar Ayla jadi manusia hebat untuk agama Allah. Mama sayang Ayla sangat.

02122013

Ayla in Brainy Bunch

2013-11-25T01:07:00.000-08:00

Blogging using an Ipad for first timer definitely not a good idea as it turned out to be disaster when I accidentally deleted the previous posts just by a click and sadly I've no idea how to get them back. Arrgh! I get very tensed up I couldn't think of anything and feel like a little bit bonkers. Sabar.Sabar. In order to get rid of this annoying feeling, I try to update my blog by writing back what I have posted beforehand, it was about Ayla's school. I have shared about the reasons as to why I send her to school recently. I think it is the best decision I made for her good, I mean she extremely needs it to get wider exposure because I know soon she's going to be on her two feet. She has been taken care very good enough by loving people around her who are much older than her that she was overprotected to the extent she can't let go her hands from these people whenever she goes. She grows up in a very comfort zone which is actually very good but she has been frequently forbid to do some things on her own freely when at her age, she should experience lots of things as part of learning, simple things like putting on her shoes (people used to even put on shoes for her, mm), being an independent kid I used to be (because I grew up in a very Big family that my parents and my siblings didn't have time to pay much attention on me, haha, I was even been bullied by my lil bro,haha), that's worrying me. My hubby and I were raised in two different world, he's the only boy in a very small family and his family is very very protective, haha, which is good in some ways la kan. I started to realize it when kids pushed her or grabbed her toys, she cried and ran to adults she comfortable with to ask for help. Okay, I know it's normal but I wish she can fight back for her right. Now it's time to mingle around with tots of her age.

This is Ayla with old fringe. I just cut short her fringe it does not look nice anymore. I have to do it while she was sleeping if not it is like you are wrestling with a monster, she will run and scream and laugh and push my hands away. Grrr. (I remember those time I wept when my mum cut my fringe short and she never cut my hair again and forever huhu).

Allright, I actually want to talk about why Ayla goes to school.

Firstly, Ayla has never been exposed to friends. It does feel bad when her mom is busy teaching kids at school while her daughter is happily watching TV 24 hours waiting for her fav cartoon Wonderpet. She's already memorize its theme song,

"Kring kring telefon berbunyi

Ini seyies (serius)

Wonderpet wonderpet kami datang

Membantu kawan yang kesusahan

Kami tak besar dan kami tak kuat

Bila bekerjasama

Semua jadi mudah

Yeay!

Wonderpet !"

Being a typical teacher I am, I feel bad for not providing proper education for her age, she needs stimulation to boost her potential, fun activities as simple as playing dough and dancing are more than enough. I spend time doing activities with her like origami, reading story and many else but I think it would be more fun and exciting if she can do it with friends besides improving social skill. When I had to state reason why I send her to school in her registration form, my top reason is " to improve social skill".Secondly, it's a perfect time since I am on maternity leave, that means I am available to stay anywhere. Due to no school can be found in Sabak Bernam specially for toddlers so I grabbed this opportunity to send Ayla to Brainy Bunch Islamic Montessori. There are quite number of Montessori here in Klang Valley area. I stay in my in law's house because it is easy for my hubby to rush to his office through highway.Thirdly, I try to get her rid of gadgets that she was addicted to it. It was uncontrollable that iI am afraid she does not maximize her motor-skill. She gets cranky after long time spent on it. I know she is bored but Affan needs me more. Lastly, I try to wean her off from breastfeeding. the more she sees me, the more she wants to breastfeed. I think by sending her to school she will forget about her drug and slowly wean off.

The first two weeks was horrible, she cried out loud and hugged her dad's leg begging her daddy not

to let her go. My hubby was like crying too, he told me he had no heart to see this drama every morning. (I was not there except for her first day because I was on pantang and looking after Affan at home). My hubby told me a couple of times to cancel my plan but I convinced him that she would be okay and it takes time. Now, every time we fetch her up from school, she will come to me and say,

"Seroooooonok, main dengan kawan-kawan"

With a big smile on her face.

She's my bubbly girl ;)

7th-month pregger wanna say something.

2013-07-08T00:28:00.002-07:00

Pregnancy

Time seems to fade away too fast that I forgot I am already on my 7th month. Yeah, I am a 7-month pregger. Looking at my belly that keeps getting round and round and huge, it made me feel so nervous as it is a sign that labour is getting nearer and God knows I am in a bundle of nerves. Man, I just can’t imagine of getting pregnant again but you know, woman and a sense of Mak-Mak can never be apart, and the feeling of wanting to have more kids makes me forget the pain. I pray I am going to have normal and safe delivery this time around, thinking of having more kids. Heh ;B. God knows Best.

Recently, I hardly stand up for long hours and walk at fast pace. No more running and jumping with Ayla or I will collapse. It feels like my vein is twisted at the middle, limit my movement, if I make a sudden or rush movement, it feels so painful like my vein is cutting off or something like seriously. Orang tua-tua kata “sentak mengkarung”. To make a move, it takes a few seconds. I think maybe due to the hike of current weight, about 13 kg! I am so chubby, everybody said that. Such a bad news for a girl.

Ayla is still breastfeeding and enjoying it to the max, there's no sign of weaning off at all. It’s okay, as long as we are happy, who cares kan. ;). My baby grows well; in fact, my health condition is way much better compared to my first pregnancy. Cool. This baby got her medical card including saving as early as 28 month in her mummy’s tummy. He is his daddy’s client.

I was almost suffered from gastric, two times during this second pregnancy but only lasted a day and fully recovered after I just learnt about natural remedies from DR Google. Ginger juice and coconut water seem to work well with my body like seriously, the reason why I prone to choose natural approach to cure any pain but still not against modern remedies. But still a BIG No-No to Jamu, I don’t like the taste! And the smell too! Heh ;B

My sunshine and Mr Joker

Ayla is a daddy’s girl, she will only look for me when she wants to bask in the warmth of comfort. That’ s it. Mama suka! I can have a very long rest.

“Beyak”

“Nak air susu”

“Nak mandi”

“Jom main”

“Nak ikan”

“Nak ikut, nak ikut”

"Nak mandi"

"Nak makan"

Semua cari ayah! Ayahlah orang paling penyabar kat dunia boleh tahan bagi makan kat Ayla sampai Ayla puas, mandi basuh makan segala. Ayah masak untuk mama ngan Ayla hari-hari. Iron baju mama. Sampai mama cakap,

“Sayang sebenarnye takut nak beranak, tapi sebab dapat suami cam abang, beranak sepuloh pun takpe, Hoho”

Poyo je cakap gitu, macam lah mampu sgt kan.

My Ayla has her favourite songs. Yet the only song she can recite every word clearly is

Ibu..Ibu..

Kaulah ratu hatiku..

Bila….ku berduka..

Engkau hiburkan selalu..

She is able to finish the song from the beginning till the end! She will make a high pitch voice when she reaches “Bila”. She also memorizes Alif Ba Ta song and already recognizes some of Arabic alphabets. She brushes her teeth on her own. Ntah bersih ntah tak. She likes massaging my belly with stretch-mark lotion and sing out loud. Ha Ha. She really makes my day! Ayla knows the name of people around her especially if those attracts her attention. So if she remembers your name, that means she loves you! Ayla will never leave her pinky bear whenever she goes. When she cannot find it, she will ask me “bear bear?”. Ayla is a healthy and bubbyl girl as always. My forever sunshine.

However, I still feel bad that I can’t afford to send her to good playschool ;(. She actually gets a very minimum stimulation. Dijaga oleh orang kampung tapi penuh dengan kasih sayang (mm,takpelah, dah takde taska berdekatan), no educational activities, less chit-chat, and with her mum spends a little time with her (go back home late in the evening and terbongkang atas tilam right after coming back home, she always comes to me with a bundle of books, asks me to read those for her). Despite of lack stimulation, she can tell me what pictures she sees in the book clearly. Ayam, Kokokok, Goat, embek bek, kucing Miow,miow, susu, kerusi, roti, biskut, kismis etc.That impressed me so much. I am so sorry Ayla, I try to give the best I can but at times, what I plan may not go as I wish. Keep shining, my sunshine.

******

Do not want to talk about school! Ha ha. Boring. But I love my students and I still love teaching.

08072013

Everything seems good.

2013-04-29T06:36:00.004-07:00

I think I have been pushing myself at full blast. It’s good. It’s good to see myself being busy doing something that cudgels my brain since it seems not to be working like a Trojan lately. I have been sleeping a lot but still feel weary and no more reading good books, too much spent on my students’ essays and exam questions. I can’t live life like this; lack of reading will not do any good. There’s a lot to think about before my maternity leave in September.

I am so happy that morning sickness has faded away since last week. I can’t describe how I feel when I started to eat like human (again), haha, but my appetite is not that big. I stop when I can’t take it anymore lest I feel like ‘mabuk-mabuk kepayang”. Despite of little appetite and not eating rice, I still gain weight, about 5 kilos from normal weight.

Here are some pics of my 3 month baby. Taken two months ago. Lambat upload. ;) Heh.

I think it's a boy. Can you see the ball? It's quite obvious, don't you think so. ;)

I look at these pics everyday, million times, an excitement of seeing there's a wonder of god in your womb. Miracle! ;D

Ayla is doing great; she can say some words clearly but still not able to speak full sentence fluently. She drinks Goat milk through a mug like an adult, an alternative for kids who prone to get allergies though she has no allergies and healthy but I prefer goat milk or fresh milk. I choose goat milk because Ayla seems to love its taste as much as I do. Yeah, we share the same milk. And she’s still breastfeeding just for comfort because there’s no more milk. If she cries or gets mad, she will run to me and find the teat herself. Funny.I have no heart to force her to wean her off. I still want it to happen naturally. I got lots of critics around me, and it never changes my mind, not even a bit. Sorry. It’s my kid, it’s my choice. Two years ago, I fight for full breastfeeding and stand on my ground, ignores all the obstacles though I can tell ya’ it’s a teary journey all the way. God knows. Time will come that she will eventually wean off.

29042013

It just happened...

2013-03-17T23:12:00.002-07:00

I have not done any scan yet, the last time I did was when my fetus was only 6 weeks and now I am already around 13 weeks. It’s not that I am not as excited as I was pregnant with my first but I was haunted by previous experience that I keep on postponing of making a book for pregnancy check-ups. I hate the part where I have to lend my hands and let a big needle penetrates deep into my vein and sucks out my red blood. Urgh. I always got a compliment from doctors and nurses for having an obvious green veins in my hands that the first jabbing is always a successful one, the jabbing is so fast, smooth and easy. The problem for the time being is that it will be tough since my morning sickness still not subside because I will puke after looking at a large amount of my blood in a tube. I am type of person who is really afraid of blood. The reason why I never wish to be a nurse, a doctor or any kind of work which require me to see blood. Besides, I am not qualified pun! Ha Ha. I'll do my check-up later. Next week maybe.

Recently I accidentally nudged my Ayla on her lips and waaaargh! it cracked with blood. I screamed out, feeling so guilty and sorry. It happened when I was lying down in my bed, then raised my hands a bit trying to adjust my position to get myself comfortable, Ayla jumped over me right at that time because she could not wait for her milk and PAK! Her face met my elbow and she clammed up before she cried a bloody murder. Then I saw blood on her lips, Wargh. I cried too. She is nipping with tears in her eyes afterwards, sob sob. Sangat tragis.

******

Ayla is going to reach 2 years old. She is now a big girl. I have been telling her times without number that we are going to have a cute baby and will live as one family happily ever after; she just looks at me in the eyes when I tell her so. I also tell her that she has to stop breastfeeding soon or later. She still asks for it anyway. And God knows how painful it is when she bites my milk tank, and sucks it. I read that the pain is normal due to hormone changes. Now I realize the challenges of weaning off is definitely tough for a toddler who is not ready for it.

******

I feel sorry for Ayla that she’s still not going to school and get proper education for her age, with irresistible exposure of screen at home, and lack of activities that good for her literacy, motor skills and so on. I know I should do something. I want to do activities at home, but working mum with morning sickness seems to fight a losing battle. I am not giving up! I will find ways Insha Allah.

18032013

2013-03-04T05:16:00.001-08:00

* Dig up info on breastfeeding to get ready for second baby ;)

The day my Ayla came into the world.

2013-03-04T04:27:00.001-08:00

This entry is written just to flash back the moment Ayla came into my life. I just realized I did not write anything about Ayla’s delivery. Here the story goes, I am not very good in handling the pain, and I can’t imagine how my life would be when I got into the labour room and underwent the struggle that gave me new lease of life. Oh, scary. I guess labour experience is the story that every mommy-to-be wants to know from their mum. I did ask my mum about the process of giving birth to me, my mum mum took forever to reminisce that moment because she has had too many deliveries. 11 times of labour, normal and without any pain relief! My God, can you imagine that, typical orang dulu-dulu yang beranak banyak dengan penuh selamba though she is actually a modern mum. The only thing she could still remember is that I was out when no one was around except my dad who got panicked when he saw my head was about to pop out and then he called out the nurse then, came a black woman to settle down everything. My mum said I was so tiny that I had to be put into incubator till they managed to get me out of it because they said I am an Asian baby whose size smaller than European baby. I was in a perfect condition and out at the right time. That was what my mum told me. I am actually the sixth and I have an elder sister who is one year older than me but she passed away after my mum gave birth to her. She was special if you know what I mean here, my mum told me how grateful she was when she got me, healed her sorrow due to the loss of my late sister. After nine month of pregnant my late sister, Nurul Huda, she left my mum forever. And my mum never got to see how she looked like to adhere to my dad’s request.

******

I started to feel pain in the evening after Asar prayer when my mum just came back from her holiday in Vietnam. Tengok tu, nenek sempat lagi berjalan tinggal anak pompuan die yang tengah sarat. Rombongan para pengetua sekolah menengah tapi kena bayar sendiri. Never mind mum, I was happy you had fun there though I was a bit heated because you left me with my dad who knocked the door again and again to make sure I was okay. Oh, he was so sweet. The pain was no different to menstrual pain and I was still able to enjoy a few sips of Cendol. The minutes I finished the last few sips, I felt as if everything that got into my esophogus tasted so yuck, it made me want to puke. Yeah, I was sick at the very last days of third trimester. My mum told me to walk around the house to jump-start the process of labour but I refused because I was still waiting for my hubby to arrive in KLIA any time soon. I decided to just lie down, I was afraid I did not get to see him before my labour. I had not seen him for months and I did not want he misses looking the hugest me! I left my hp to my mum and asked my mum to answer my hubby’s call. My hubby was so shocked when he knew I was already in the hospital after she arrived to KLIA.

My parents brought me to the nearest private hospital but I asked my dad to send me to government hospital so that I can use my GL and get a free treatment. If only I knew the condition of the hospital and the cold treatment from the nurses, I would change my mind but it was too late as I was too weak to move and even to walk. So, I stayed in the non- air conditioner hospital where everything should be done on your own, and no spoon or fork provided to eat the meal, and no one even care to push a wheelchair for me when I was not able to walk, husband was not allowed to be by my side in the labour room, no one can be by my side to calm me down. I really needed somebody to be by my side at that very critical time, not the fierce looking nurses strolling around the ward and kept screaming like Tarzan. It made my pain felt even more intolerable. What to expect when you choose to get a free treatment. Good service comes with money. That was my choice so I have to accept it.

The pain was getting excruciating and it was only 1 cm dilation after the whole night pain. The blood stains was everywhere in the white bed sheet. My mum told me to bite a cloth every time the pain attacked me. I drank Air Zam Zam and ate some dates because I puked when I ate rice. The nurse stared at me and said,

” Hey, awak minum air jampi ke?”.

I said no. That was the only thing that my tummy could tolerate. It was the scariest night I have ever had in my life. I was among a great number of pregnant women who were waiting for their turn. I could hear countless screams from women who were struggling to push their baby out.

Too many hands checking the dilation, I was still struggle with contractions when they shoved their hands. Thank God only female doctors were on duty during my labour. I have to go to and fro between labour room and my bed by walking. I stopped every few steps and leaned against the wall with many nurses did not even look at me, ignored me, maybe because they were too busy with loads of patients but I still consider it as discourteous. I did not ask for first class treatment, I just hoped that one of them would hold me and lead me to my bed, I really needed help. At that time, none of my family members were allowed to accompany me except during visiting hours. Urgh. Thank God, my bed was just by the window. My hubby stood outside the window the whole night, held my hands every time contractions was killing me. My mum came and held my hands too. It was a huge relief. A few hours later, the nurse put an enema to make me poop. And I rushed to the toilet right at that moment; nothing came out as my tummy was empty and all the digested food was out through vomiting. I broke down. I took an ounce of strength to walk back to my bed. The sleepless and painful night finally went by, my mum came early in the morning, told me to hold the pain by reciting Laillahaillallah, and I wept when I held my mum’s hands. That was the moment I realized how strong my mum is, how priceless her sacrifice to bring me into this world and raise me up, she is truly a great woman. I shed tears looking at my mum. My mum said ,

”mak tau, sakit kan ani, sakit macam rase pinggang nak cabut”

My mum massaged me softly; I nodded with tears on my cheeks. My mum said, “ani kembang darah, kembang darah orang cakap sakit”.

My water bag was still in perfect condition; only stains of blood came out. Then, the nurse asked my mum to get out because it was not visiting time, my mum broke the rules, she sneaked into my bed. My mum left me with heavy heart and a few minutes later, my mum stood by the window outside. She kept an eye on me. Till I could not stand the pain any more, I decided to walk into the labour room myself, nurse passed by me every time I called them to help me out. I tried to stand up but I could not walk any more. I stood up and I sat down, I did it times without number and I was still not able to walk. The contractions were starting to stop me in my tracks a bit. It felt like my legs were numb and my baby’s head was stuck in the middle. The nurses were standing just near to me and were observing other patients. My mum scolded the nurse as she peeped through the window, “Hey, die dah tak boleh jalan dah ni”. Then, the nurse got me a wheelchair.

The dilation was already 7 cm, the nurse broke my water bag. I felt like pooping. The nurse told me to start pushing at about ten in the morning, that means I had to wait for three hours before I could push and I was like what? I really felt like pushing, it was uncontrollable. I pushed my baby out in silence. I asked the nurse to call my hubby. She gave me no response. I looked at the clock, the contraction became 5 minutes interval and I knew the time was near. Then, I told the nurse, I could not stand the pain anymore, she saw baby’s head was about to pop out and in a minute; there came doctor trainees and a number of nurses, they asked me to push real hard. It happened too fast Within minutes, after about 3 or 4 times of pushing, Ayla popped up and she cried out very loud. We cried together.

She was so beautiful. The whole process was very smooth Alhamdulillah. The contraction only lasted for a day, Alhamdulillah. She entered the world on 27th March 2011 on my due date on the dot, Alhamdulillah. Nurse brought her out to clean her up. I could hear her loud voice while having some stitches on my tear. The nurse came back and said,”kuat nye suara anak awak, nah, susukan die”. She laid down on my boobs, she slowly kept quiet and enjoyed the rhythms of my heart beats, she got her first food and slept tightly in my arms. It was the beautiful moment. It was true that mother’s milk is a potion of love that your baby will get drunk. Ha ha. And addicted. She breastfeed every hour non-stop since that day.

The first day after the labour, I had to stay at the hospital for a night. I was not only looking after my baby, but I was also looking after two women near to my bed as they seemed so weak and the nurse did not come to help us doing simple things. I did everything on my own, change my baby’s diaper went to the toilet about 500 metres away from my bed with fresh stitches, took bath and did everything on my own. I was fit enough to do everything without anyone’s help, Alhamdulillah. I have to.. as none of my family members were allowed to take care of me. I don’t know why.

Actually, I felt all alone all along the process that I wish I can have somebody by my side during my critical time. I was not satisfied with the way the nurses treated the patients, that I almost made a decision to lodge a complaint. I didn't, I still have empathy. I tried to understand their situation that maybe they were too busy treating too many patients with minimal amenities. I could not forget there were a few patients were scolded by the nurse, I pity those girls who were still in pain. Kesian sangat2. This is the reason why I save every penny now because I do not want to be all alone for my second delivery later on, In sha Allah.

I pray that my sunshine will shine everybody’s life with love and smiles and will have a bright future ahead. I love you my sun shine. Ayla, you will always be my sunshine. Thinking about my second delivery, I am in a bundle of nerves. I just pray that everything goes smoothly.

04032013

Still the same person....

2013-02-28T08:15:00.000-08:00

I don’t think talking about morning sickness would be a good idea. But I still want to talk about it. The first few weeks went well till I reached 8 weeks of pregnancy, it was like in a blink of eye I felt like world is rotating round and round and I started to feel extremely queasy. My stomach is bloating. But I am so grateful, despite of being weak, this time round I can consider myself way much better compared to my first pregnancy as the presence of my loyal hubby is very much helpful. He has been so kind to look after Ayla almost all the time, does house chores while I am snuggling in my bed like there’s no tomorrow. I never miss my Obimin and fish oil because my lost appetite really made me worried thinking whether I consume enough nutrients for me, baby, and Ayla. I admit that I was still traumatized of getting pregnant again owing to bad experience when I was pregnant with Ayla, really, but having more babies is always be my dream. I just want to indulge in beautiful feeling of cuddling a baby in my arm, the smell of newborn giving me a great feeling. That’s why I break my plan of getting pregnant again though I plan for second baby after Ayla reaches two years old. I am afraid I cannot achieve my mission of breastfeeding her till two years due to bad morning sickness, and it’s miracle I can make it by God willing. He is definitely the best source of strength. Allahhuakbar. And guess what, Ayla was born on 22 RabiulAkhir 1432 and next week will be 22 RabiulAkhir 1434, that means I have fulfilled 2 years of breastfeeding journey as recommended in Islam. Alhamdulillah.

******

My milk tank is still working round the clock producing creamy yummy milk for my darling Ayla. Her mouth still smells milk, her tongue still have stains of milk after sucking for quite long time. She still has regular times of breastfeeding 10 to 12 times, and still wakes up three times in the middle of night. Still. I was immuned with irregular sleeping hours so no more feeling ting tong in the school like the first few months after Ayla was born. That was awesome! Ha ha. I was thinking to wean off her from breastfeeding but I know it’s going to be tough, I can imagine a dramatic play in which two main characters are emotionally drowned in tears. Mama and Ayla. Actually, I really want the process of weaning off happens naturally, and looking at Ayla, I am not sure if it is possible. Seriously.

******

Ayla milestones are going well. She likes passing her pink teddy bear to me and asks me to breastfeed her, sometimes she pretends like feeding her teddy bear, she does the same to her mum and dad so we have to pretend like chewing the food every time she does that otherwise she will cry. When it is bedtime, she goes into bedroom, turns on the air cond, and makes crocodile tears telling me to come and sleep with her. It always happens when I am having my own ample time in the living room; then my hubby will throw a look at me “Sayang, Ayla panggil, nak tido” with a giggle because he is happy that Ayla is not calling her ayah. Yeah, being a mom, it’s your baby who controls your schedule.

******

I am in a bundle of nerves as tomorrow I am gonna be a host for Ping Pong Tournament Peringkat Negeri Selangor. Truthfully, I try to reject this duty because my morning sickness at evening is uncontrollable but no one is willing to be pengacara majlis. Bantai je lah! Let’s say I terbluek while talking, terima sajalah ya. I will bring along my loyal companion, plastic bag, my true saviour for the time being.

28022013

Double line

2013-01-29T07:27:00.002-08:00

After third time of peeing on this magic stick, this is what I get

and it was an accident! Ha Ha.

29012013

Beginning 0f 2013

2013-01-22T07:49:00.001-08:00

Life has been so hectic lately, with schools and everything, I thank God that January is going to leave me very soon and fortunately, packed schedule really makes me forget what day is today each time I enter my class, that means I don’t bother to count days of coming holidays till the day has come, I would be extremely happy because holidays seem to greet me first before I do it. The feeling of waiting is definitely not a good feeling. Ha Ha.

I think I am not the only one who says the beginning is always the hardest you know, the beginning of the school always seems a race against time and workloads really seizes my quality time with Ayla. This is very distressing because moments of growing up will never wait, once you miss it, you are going to miss it forever.

This year, I have to teach form five for the first time, I have to spend much time on reading novel; “Step by wicked step” because there will be a question on novel in SPM, 15 marks for that section. My first impression is the story must be boring, Ha Ha, but when I reached Pixie’s part. Oh my, this really breaks my heart to see a terrible conflict faced by an innocent kid owing to their parents’ divorce. It is so heart rending. Born in the perfect family, and most of my friends come from perfect family, I can never imagine how these kids struggle with themselves and never give up putting hope against hope to live as one family again when the truth is it would never happen. How their emotion greatly disturbed by something that never ever come across their mind it would happen to them; mum and dad split up. Okay, I am so emotional talking about this since I was called a MaMa. Overall, I would say the story is boring because it is a very sad story as learning literature should be fun. Ha Ha. I am too frank here, during my time, I have to study The Pearl and it’s boring too and I could not recall how I response to the question in SPM.

And awh,I have to teach form one too, and InshaAllah, PBS will be no problem to me, I can picture myself of what am I going to do with my form 1 students as I went through experience doing PBS last year. To my surprise, I become Ketua Panitia Bahasa Inggeris, man, can I cry now. As usual, form teacher, Persatuan Bahasa Inggeris, Kadet Bomba, Setiausaha Kantin and the list goes on. Meeting, meeting, taklimat, PPD, kursus. I have no feelings telling you this; wish that I will be able to handle the responsibilities as long as I can, repay all the lacking I made last year.

Almost every day I come back home late, the first place I will head to is bedroom right after coming back home, lend my ear to Ayla’s favourite line, “nak num air tutu ,nak tutu”. I try to enjoy our precious time together no matter how tired I feel because I know, it won’t last long, it’s hard to accept this fact, breastfeeding is the most beautiful moment I have ever had with my Ayla, the bonding is too strong that I miss her every minute.

Babe. I stop here, try not to miss updating my blog at least once a month because blogging is part of my life.

23012013

Random shots

2012-12-11T00:03:00.000-08:00

I spot her strolling around Embah’s house with remote control in her hands. A whole family could not watch the TV because she ran away with remote control. And look at her feet, that is her mum’s slipper. Every toddler has this habit, well; it’s just a part of growing up.

I brought her to our relatives’ engagement ceremony. While a crowd was in silence to give a respect to prayer recitation, Ayla was busy shuffling around and excitedly climbing up the staircase that everybody’s eyes were staring at her and when I held her, she was about to yelp so I grabbed her, dashed to the kitchen, asked Nenek Endak's permission to let her play with sepit baju dalam bekas plastik.

This picture was taken when we have a picnic at the seashore of Teluk Batik. We enjoyed sea-bathing. It was a nice place with beautiful view and good facilities.

11122012

Dreams

2012-12-03T22:28:00.001-08:00

I stumbled on this http://peliks.blogspot.com/ and attracted to the entry entitled ‘dreams’ which touched the deepest of my heart. Though I do not really have the same dream like hers, I can feel her. Perhaps her experience is no difference to some of my friends, it’ is just that they do not happen to tell the whole world about it. Everyone has doom times, has faced failure, some are secretive and some are willing to share it. I think Maria is a frank person who does not really care what people think about her, something I wish I have. I am a little bit paranoid at times. Not to others, but to my own self. Yeah, it does feel hard when you reach the point where you have to let go your dreams. It just happened for unforeseen reasons. I think some of us are in the same boat. Letting go our dreams is hard, it’s real hard. Once you accept the present, enjoy every little thing in the present, just like Maria said “it dissipates into thin air”.

Speaking of dreams, I believe dreams evolve over time in which phases of life take its turn. Kid, teenager and adult. Each phase has different setting and the setting keeps changing, then we have to realize dreams must be up-to-date to that current setting and relevant for our future ahead. It’s never too late to have dreams, every time phase of life alters; we can always create new dreams. The word impossible itself said “I’m possible”.

******

Power Rangers, Suria perkasa Hitam and Doraemon.: Kid phase

When I was a kid, (Oh man, I miss my childhood very very much). I always imagined of becoming a “Power Ranger” or “Suria perkasa Hitam” or “Doraemon” or whatever imaginary icon I admired that time because I was watching too much cartoon as well as reading comics. While my boyfriends dreamed of becoming an Ultraman who saves people lives by killing a brutal monster. Ha Ha !. Kids’ life is undeniably beautiful because they do not afraid to dream, dream as much as they want!

When I entered primary school, I slowly forgot about “Power Rangers’ and Suria Perkasa Hitam” but I was still a big fan of “Doraemon”, you know her magic pocket which has everything that can solve any troubles arises, I always dreamed that one day Doraemon will become my best friend. I flicked through the comic every night before bedtime. In school, teacher asked all students a very typical question ‘What is your ambition?”. For boys, they used to say, I want to be a policeman, a doctor, a soldier. For girls, I want to be a teacher, a nurse. I always said “I want to be a teacher” though I meant nothing and that was the only word that always came across my mind each time people asked me such question, moreover teacher is the person who seems to have a great power of being influential towards kids’ life. And that kid was me.

******

Art stream or Science stream: Teenager phase

The phase develops one step further that I become more sensible. I changed my ambition. Most of bright sparks who are best friends of mine used to say they want to be a doctor, engineer or anything sounds grand. Those with excellent result in PMR usually choose to take science stream. I still remember when I was form 3, I worked really hard to score PMR because my elder bros and sisters are all brilliant in academic, it was like a big shame on me if I was not on par with them, I am afraid of being called stupid. I achieved string of A’s, the feeling was so great. My best friends left me for good school, and I did not apply for any MRSM, or SBP because I only aimed for Maahad because I wanted to continue learning Arabic in fact I am not that good in the language. I got an instinct that I should continue learning Arabic, well ,I only got B for my Bahasa Arab Tinggi, not bad after all. I got an offer of going to SM Teknik KL, I rejected when I saw the package of subject they offered did not interest me at all which is Engineering! Lukisan kejuruteraan, Physic, Chemistry. My parents brought me to the school for a sneak peek with the hope I would accept the offer. I firm with my decision, stood my ground. I would only stay in SMK Telok Datok if I did not get offer to move into Sekolah Maahad.

I went through a great conflict with my mom, my mom was a typical teacher who thought that all good students must take science stream. I broke her heart because I wanted to take art stream. My mom kept her distance from me for months. Can you imagine how my life was like living in the house with a mom who did not even want to look at me, let alone speak to me. I tried, yeah, I tried my best to explain to my mom why I made up my mind to take art stream, and she refused to listen. One day, I got a letter that my application to move to Maahad was successfully accepted.

In Maahad, I found it hard to adapt living in the hostel after being comfortable living at home, toilet is just three steps away from my room while in Maahad, I had to stay in fourth floor and walked far far away just to brush my teeth. I got sick rather often, Istihadah, fever, eczema, that the doctor said my hormones was not stable probably owing to depression, it was true, I was depressed I could not adapt with an abrupt change came to my life. Maahad is not bad at all, with nice friends and all, I love this school by all means; the problem was that I needed time to cope life in hostel. I wanted to return to my old school because I wanted to be at home but time creeped on me, tik tok tik tok, SPM was finally over!

Most believe that SPM result is a stepping stone to achieve our dream. After SPM, I started to realize careers are too many to offer in the real world, those who get excellent result most probably will get what they dream of but some are not, not everyone will get what they apply to further their study.

******

Law and TESL: Adult phase

I wish to be a lawyer for the reason that I was not at home in Math (a very stupid reason), this is the only course which does not involve numerical literacy. I was actually an active debater and always being on top 3 in every talk and speech competition so I thought doing law suits me, because it involves oral skill. I put it on top of the list and the next is TESL because I wanted to go overseas. I think it’s everybody’s dream to further study in overseas, it’s just a matter of chance, if you do not a have whole heap of money, hence you have to get a very excellent result to win a scholarship to study overseas. That’s the price you have to pay and it’s also about luck, some are excellent but they did not get a chance. I was offered to do TESL under KPM scholarship, I did not have to pay even a cent for my study fees, so I grabbed the opportunity. If I happen to reject TESL offer, almost certainly I got a chance to study in UIA but I will have to use my parents’ money. I do not want to.

I thought I was offered to do TESL in overseas as informed through the phone; I was so damn excited that my parents were extremely happy for me. I received a letter telling me that I was placed in IPSAH, in which twinning programme in collaboration with UPSI. Those who were offered to do TESL in overseas supposedly doing preparation at IPBA, I thought they did a mistake for placing me at wrong place. I thought I should be in IPBA, not IPSAH. I phoned KPM and they said “the quota was full already and my name was out of the list”. I felt like being cheated, if only they told me earlier, I won’t be over-excited like crazy, you know how terrible it felt when you were over-excited with good news which was actually fake. I was already picturing myself playing with snowflakes and snapping picture of beautiful sceneries, this imagination seemed to shatter in a second the minute I found out the truth. I do not have power to complain or maybe to sue KPM because I was already agreed that “any changes made by KPM must be followed” in Surat Perjanjian.

Despite of disappointments, I still grateful I did TESL because it was on the top of my list. Something I never regret. In consequence of taking TESL course, I was able to write this long piece regardless you can actually detect some mistakes on syntax or grammar. Plus studying TESL course is real fun. Look on a bright side, my wish to travel abroad came true after I got married with my hubby when at that time, he was studying in Japan which is one of the most expensive country, surely I will never go there for vacation thinking about Nihonggo and Yen Ka-Ching Ka-ching if not because my hubby sponsored me as he did part-time job, ‘Shinbun”: hantar surat khabar kat rumah orang. Heh ;B. Observing my hubby’s life struggle in Japan was like an eye-opener. Studying overseas is not all fun, the journey takes a strong heart. I might not be strong enough to sail through bumpy journey surviving life in overseas all alone. So, I was fated to study in Tanjung Malim. That’s okay. I can finally go abroad, even much sweeter, went there together with my hubby.

Honestly, I never dream of becoming a teacher in the first place. I was influenced by people perception that teacher does not sound as prestigious as any other professionals. Being a teacher, God made a better plan, I know Allah opened the door for me to help my students in many ways, I mean not only to get them score in English paper, teaching them about life as well. My students mostly come from poor family, contrast to my background. I learnt to deal with dozens of my students’ antics by understanding why they behave that way. I think, some of us, might have changed their ambition align with the field they are accidentally in, in the field that they might never think they will juggle with. It may seem quite late to realize “this is not what we really want in our life” as soon as we start working that we have to make a choice whether to stay or the other way around, my hubby was one of those who went through this dilemma. He did the other way around. Lucky me, I think I am on a right track, I love teaching regardless of system that makes me suffer. Teaching will always be my passion. Yeah. I actually have another BIG dream, to have my own business; I thought I will have to let this dream go as I have already stuck in school. God knows the best, by coincidence, my hubby now in business line. He made my dream came true.

Nothing more I can ask for. I was grateful I did not do science stream, I was grateful I decided not to go to SM Teknik KL, I was grateful I was not studying law. It was all my choice. A good thing is I do not have any points to blame my parents. I was grateful for that.

******

During my days, my generation are taught to choose what their parents want rather than what they really want. To meet parents’ expectation without putting on table of their children’s ability is one very common case. I don’t say all but some, some of them sacrifice their own dream to achieve their parents dream. If they achieved their parents' dream, their parent show off their excitement, if not, their parents show off their frustration which can break children's heart. You disregard your children's effort in the making of making you proud just because they failed, they failed to make you proud when they have given their all. Should you do that? Should you punish your children for not meeting your expectation. Accept the fact that...

I know every parent wants the best for their children, yet becoming too stringent that you disallow your children to explore their own strength, make a choice of their life path will actually make them suffer inside. I got many friends who suffer inside, doing a job that they do not love and keep doing it just for the sake of their parents and they end up rebelling. Just because we do not achieve our dream, it’s not a ticket to force our children to achieve our dream. Denying your children’s dream brings more disadvantages than advantages itself. We do not teach them by making choices for them; we teach them on how to make the best choice for themselves. Biar mereka bijak memilih dan tahu mengapa mereka memilihnya.

I recalled what I read, I don't really remember every word exactly but I got the point which goes like this, ‘Ajarlah anak untuk bijak membuat pilihan sejak dari kecil walaupun sekecil-kecil perkara, contohnya, mahu makan telur goreng atau telur rebus, biarkan mereka memilih”.

04122012

Welcoming school hols.

2012-11-20T08:30:00.002-08:00

Despite of being busy marking my students’ paper for the past few weeks and it was a race against time to finish PBS, time pressed though it was a time-consuming task actually, yet I felt so contented that long break finally greeted me. I was waiting for long hols like forever. The main problems with PBS was that it was implemented not at the right time, started in the mid of year when the entire assessment requires the whole year to get a reliable result of students achievement, not to say key-in problems that it is not about internet connection but the system or perhaps the software itself which works inefficiently and very very slow, I think we’d had enough! Most teachers kept trying to get into the system and ended up complaining and tensed up, most of them woke up at 2.00 pm.and 4 p.m. just to get into the system when at that moment, Ayla is having her milk. I decided not to make any progress at all, because I do not want to get tensed up, Ha Ha, till some have successfully got in, then I started doing it and finished the task at one go! Hooray, then, dashed to the Pizza Hut for a double cheesy chicken Chop Pizza pan.Yummeh. Eating pizza made my day after almost every day I’ve been haunted by my students’ handwriting that made me round the bend; I stopped for every two essays with hundreds of them were still waiting for me. It took me about more than 3 weeks to over and done with marking and keying-in. What a huge relief! Fuh!

******

My hubby turned 26 year-old on 1st November 2012. I made a surprise. A very simple one but enough to make us smile for the whole day. Home-made choc cake, a spontaneous long ‘memorandum’ on his Birthday card which is ready-made, sadly to say I can’t make a hand-made card this year like I used to do back in the days.

******

Ayla is going to be 20-months in a week, time flies, she becomes cleverer days by days, impressed us with her new skill especially her literacy skill as she’s able to say many words and understands some of instructions. Her development grows well according to her age. She is addicted to Upin and Ipin, Boboiboy. She does not want to eat and a very picky eater most of the time, looks thinner, but remains with an ideal weight and still fully breastfed, Alhamdulillah. She’s healthy and loves cat very much that she will tail the cat everywhere it goes and strokes its back cruelly till the cat makes a weird face, pulls and squashes its tail, fingers its nose, all I can do is to pray that the cat will not turn out to be feral. I have about four months to reach the end of breastfeeding journey and I hope it will have a happy ending though only God knows how hard it is for me to reach this point but He gives me strength to not giving up. Allahuakbar. Alhamdulillah. In Shaa Allah. I can make it to two years, with God willing. Anyway, to tell the truth, two mums personally met me face-to-face, asked my permission to be ibu susuan for their babies. Yeah, I have milk babies. Anyway, it is a long story and I’ll write it later.

******

I am now enjoying school hols like there’s no tomorrow but I have to come back to Sabak Bernam in December for only a few days because I am in charge also to attend a meeting. I thank God I am not one of those lucky teachers who have to stay back to be in charge as Pengawas Peperiksan SPM. Heh. Next year, maybe, I hope I was on maternity leave that time. Haha. Ameen.

21112012

Wonderful.

2012-10-20T11:16:00.003-07:00

It has been 2 days my hubby was busy as a bee doing sales in Teluk Intan. Since Ayla’s true ‘Joker’ is away, Ayla is attached to me every minute, taking bath together, cooking together, eating together, watching TV together, strolling around the house together, reading book together and everything is done together. Even when I have to go to toilet, she will bang on the door like mad and I have to scream out telling her I am on urgent, Ha Ha. I have to lend my ear to her cry for half minute, nak buang air pun dah hilang feel! I still remember the last time I felt so lonely here in Sabak Bernam that I feel like I was living in a dead world, looked like a zombie. The word “lonely” never comes across my life since Ayla was born. And since Ayah, mama and Ayla live together under one roof. Hopefully happily ever after ( ^^,)

Sunshine, Wonder-mum, Joker! Haha!

I have piles of paper need to be mark but in no mood to even glance at them, all right, how about start doing it tomorrow? Marking paper with a toddler toddling all over the place and ogling at everything with great excitement is tough! To wait for her to sleep seems to take forever and when she asks for her milk, the mother will enjoy snuggling to her in the bed together.

Ayla seems to be a very picky eater when she’s with me, I try so hard to make her eating but she will run away and just shut her lips tightly, and I try to shove the food against her shut lips over and over again, she will turn over her head then grits her teeth. I do not want to force her to eat because I fear she would not find eating as fun, I give up. She only wants to be breastfed and sometimes she asks for some plain water. She will come to me or to her dad and say,”nak air, nak air”. Ayla now likes to throw a tantrum.

Weather in Sabak Bernam and Teluk Intan is scorching hot that you can get grilled, about 38 C, well, what to expect when you live in Tropical climate country, Hayyo! Macamlah baru duduk Malaysia. Sweating all nights is something normal, pity my Ayla, she got rashes on her forehead, so guys, wish to have a free sauna that can burn your fats and good for detoxification? Come! Drop to my house! Mm..Maybe we should get ourselves an air-cond, should I? but I want to save money. Save money for something worth, like buying a new handbag, HaHaHa (Evil laugh), NO NO NO. Awh (-_-)’

21102012

Safe motherhood.

2012-10-20T09:39:00.001-07:00

Safe motherhood. I just know about this term after delving into page 48 in the latest Solusi edition, by coincidence when I was not sure whether my decision regarding family-planning was a good idea, I have blathered about ‘I can’t wait to get pregnant again previously’, I found this amazing magazine effectively answered my query in depth, and every single word really connects to myself, well-said. Thanks Prof Madya Dr Harlina Siraj for justifying the issue faced by many mothers, especially, me, a new mother who desperately needs more and more knowledge on everything about family and parenting. Thanks Allah, he always gives me a way in a way that I never think of. I stumbled upon this great magazine when I was about to look for food in the counter of petrol station on the way to Port Dickson.

Above are two pages of clarification on family-planning according to Islam perspective. I would like to add more on Al-Ghayla, please correct me if I am wrong, based on my reading, Muhammad SAW at first discouraged women to continue breastfeeding their babies during pregnancy but when he saw Persian and Rome were doing fine doing both at the same time, then, he did not hold back the idea. That means, if mommy is able of breastfeed during pregnancy and fit enough for that, it would be okay for her to continue breastfeeding. It depends on mum because there are some cases that the mummy gets bleeding and some may not be able to do so due to bad morning sickness. Islam is an ideal way of life, there are many Ruhksah, do not be too rigid. If you want more info on Al-Ghayla you can go to;
http://ilmudanulamak.blogspot.com/2008/07/menyusui-anak-ketika-sedang-mengandung.html.

21102012

Typical Ayla.

2012-10-14T23:06:00.000-07:00

She composed her own song and presented her own choreography of spinning a clockwise.

Gobbling up mummy's meal

Kissing her own face she saw in the screen ....

Sometimes she's moody for no reason...

Who am I?

2012-10-10T22:43:00.004-07:00

I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am okay.

Virginia Satir

Dear White Silk,

Wish I can Tint you

The colours of my life.

Tickers

2012-10-10T21:33:00.002-07:00

Make a pregnancy ticker

Prompt

2012-10-10T20:31:00.001-07:00

My hobby is flicking through the calendar scrupulously; calendar really helps me to plan my days or visualize what I am going to do next so that I am always on a right track doing a right thing. It was just recently I realized I get older and I have been postponing what I really want to do in my life. The only thing I will regret is giving up before doing it when my ability is still in full bar, young and fresh like now. My dad used to say,

“If you want to do something, starts early when you are still young because in case you fall or face doom times, you still have a long way to go, get up and get back on your track''

My hubby said this,

“If you want to succeed, you should never give any excuses”

11102012

Baby and boobies!

2012-10-08T23:13:00.000-07:00

I am laughing like a drain, wanna join me mommies?

For a certainty.

2012-10-08T22:50:00.003-07:00

It has been more than 2 weeks teacher’s toilet dries up hence; I always dart to the school canteen just to get a toilet bowl! If it was locked then I have to change to plan B; dragging a pail of water and carry out a very big project, or plan C is to postpone it, and the final option is to get into my car and speed to Rumah Mak Esah. Well, that is not an excuse to not be happy being here, seriously, despite school got many political issues, bickering about something pointless I do not understand why because I never interfere, (some had been transferred into another school because of this so-called pure nonsense). Off this topic, a lot more significant matters need our attention. Alhamdulillah, Allah still gives a great nikmat which is to see everything on the bright side and to learn about the reality of life in bigger picture.

It was unbelievable that I don’t apply for transfer because I am still not recovering from disappointment due to rejections. I think I had squeezed a very last drop of hope and effort. I turned out to be ignorant at times or in other words, “hati kering” . Bila sudah kerja, hati mesti kering dengan segala karenah manusia otherwise you will be drown into sorrow. Alhamdulillah, I do not feel sad anymore. I learnt God will not give this for nothing, look on the bright side, my hubby made a sacrifice that he promised he would never turn back. I am glad to see his business seems to grow slowly here, he earns a living here. And Ayla is taken a very good care by her babysitter and my students never put a great pressure on me, no traffic jams, green scenery along the road to and fro my school. Everything is okay.

Now, It’s time to sit down, take a deep breath, introspecting, say thank you to God for everything He gave me. He is indeed the Best planner.It does feel great when you have a strong faith. Oh God, please make my faith stronger and stronger days by days, please do not ever take it away from me. Ameen.

******

I just realized since Ayla was born, she never gets flu, oh, only for half day that similar to not at all. She never gets cough too. Alhamdulillah, I think my antibody that imparted to my milk really brings wonders! And bottle has never win Ayla’s attention no matter how cute and colourful they appear, they are just so plain lacklustre to her eyes. Ayla is so Pro at sipping through cups and straw. Ayla begins to eat everything but only a little yet she still gains a few grams. I am so happy that Ayla can clearly say this list of words;

• Ayah

• Mama

• Nenek

• Atok

• Lowi (lorry)

• Car /kete

• Nak

• Atoh (Jatoh)

• Eei kotor!

• akit..(Sakit)

• Mm, daaap. (mm sedap..)

• Air

• andi. (Mandi)

• No.. (Nose)

• Hand

• Eye.

• Teeth

• Fish

These are the only words that I can understand, most of the time, I hardly understand her gibbering (Lampi gila mama ni!)

******

Last weekend, I went to Port Dickson in conjunction with my in-law’s family day and Ayla was too excited of gulping water in the pool. Alhamdulillah, Ayla is doing fine. I was so worried because she got a very bad diarheaa a few months ago after we had fun at Desa Water Park where hundreds of people enjoy soaking themselves. Our friends’ kids were warded and my Ayla was also nearly warded but Doctor asked me to breastfeed her times without number and observed her condition, she improved day by day and back to normal after 4 days, Fuh! Oh, the magic of breast milk is truly a wonder of God.

*******

This is actually the main subject I want to talk about;

Looking at my friends who delivered beautiful babies made me miss that moment so much, of course, not that inexpressible contraction, but the first time you look into your baby’s eyes and bask in skin-to-skin contact with her pouty small lips nyonyot your boobies, the moment is just too beautiful! (though cracked nipples took a few weeks to recover, not to say blood stains on my bra, but the power of love made the pain felt nothing). Oh man, I want a baby! It’s almost every day I have been compelling my hubby to work out for second baby

“Abang, nak baby!” . Haha!
He would say, “Tunggu ye, Ayla dua tahun, kate Ayla nak menyusu lagi”.
“Mm”.

Seriously, my heart was torn into two, to start working for number two or to extend it. Frankly speaking, neither me nor Ayla is ready to wean off, she glues to me every single day, I know I can still do tandem nursing and yeah, I would love to but I have to look after my health too (Do I sound selfish?). My first pregnancy experience strongly showed that it would be impossible because my morning sickness is really bad that I can eat nothing with non-stop vomiting, besides, It felt like menstrual pain during the first trimester that I felt like my pelvic and womb were about to fall off. Heart burnt. Nausea. Low HB. Just imagine if I am breastfeeding my toddler during that worst condition, I think I can die! It was true that you can still breastfeed if you are pregnant however it depends on ones condition and my condition does not allow me to do so. Or maybe... I can just try, Oh, No No No, I don’t have guts to give it a go. Pity Ayla, it is going to affect Ayla as surely the milk production will drop owing to my worst condition and I do not want it to happen. I will work for number two, but not now, even though I am so eager to get pregnant again, with my hubby by my side, the moment will be more beautiful. My first pregnancy was mentally torturing as hubby was hundred miles away and he never felt baby’s kicking; never got to see my baby bump and his wife’s ugly duckling walk. We had this issue discussed, both agreed that I should take a long rest for two years since Ayla still depends on my milk, seriously, it is hard for me. I just can’t wait the beautiful moment to happen again, it is priceless. I think every mum could not agree more. There’s a time I am extremely bothered thinking do I have a chance to get pregnant again, am I against the fate (Qada’ dan Qadar tuhan)? These queries seem to dwell upon my mind every second. I just want to family-plan, it is important for the sake of me as well as Ayla. God knows.

I believe.

I just believe that beautiful moment can wait.

….I hope so…

09102012

~~ White Silk ~~

Here I am. Again.

Here I am...

Just Saying

Coming back!

Weaning off my Ayla

Ayla in Brainy Bunch

7th-month pregger wanna say something.

Everything seems good.

It just happened...

The day my Ayla came into the world.

Still the same person....

Double line

Beginning 0f 2013

Random shots

Dreams

Welcoming school hols.

Wonderful.

Safe motherhood.

Typical Ayla.

Who am I?

Tickers

Prompt

Baby and boobies!

For a certainty.

White Silk