White Silk

Shattered my last hope

2011-12-09T15:29:00.000-08:00

Thinking about getting transfer is driving me round the bend, really, and never did I cry as if every part of me falling apart into pieces like when I got to know my application had been rejected, this was not the first time. I hold out not even a little hope ever since, KPM took it all, and I don’t want to think about it anymore. I am asking for transferring not because Sabak Bernam is too rural, neither I am an uptown girl in fact part of me is still old-fashioned, nor the place is too horrific because I meet lots of nice people here, you can put me into a shit hole, I’ll be okay as long as I got my hubby or any closed/loved ones to be by my side. Even after surviving to lots of places since my studying years; Kedah, Tanjung Malim, Japan and now in Sabak Bernam, man, this is the only place which by no means caught my heart. All right, next year I‘ll be working real hard to find the reasons of why I should love to be here. Oh, no need as my hubby had already sent his resignation letter to Toshiba and promised to live together like we have dreamed of.

Leaving engineering field to be a full-time insurance agent at Prudential is like a life and death decision, I am just at his back as long as he never does harm to anyone; I let him choose his way. I just believe he can do it with his credibility and very committed, honest and hard working, I pray God he will succeed in everything he does.

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***

I know I can’t expect my journey of life to be smooth sailing, there will be bumpy here and there, ups and down, who say life is a bed or roses! We stuck here in Sabak Bernam but it does not mean we will be here for the entire of our life, we will find ways to be where we want to be. All we know, we have just to move on.

Remember about Ayla got sick, you know I turned out to be bonkers because Ayla seldom got sick, when she got sick, it was freaking scary to see her change into someone else. Well, I am just a first time mommy who got zero experience and easily gets nuts when such thing happens. She kicks and alive, full of beans after that awful week. She can crawl now but she prefers to find things to aid her stand up and pat excitedly. A bubbly tot who likes screaming her heart out loud if she wants to nip, sleep, happy, angry and feel bored. She likes all fruits and veggies! She is losing her fats but still considered a chunky baby because everyone says so. Thanks to her mummy’s creamy milk. It’s fattening! She got what we call: stranger's anxiety, only certain people win her heart especially kids. She will scratch her head and rubs her eyes when she gets drowsy. Recently, she got a grey bump on her right cheeks as she always falls on a prone position at the same part. She bumps and falls a lot that my heart is in my mouth every time she bumps, she cries bloody murder!

I got many wedding invitations which I had to skip some as it held on the same day at a very long distance from one another. I am sorry for those I could not make it especially those who brought joy to my Big day back then.

101211

Ayla is in the process of getting well! It’s been a week already.

2011-11-11T15:19:00.000-08:00

On last Friday midnight, after hubby fetched me from Sabak Bernam, we dropped by a famous Bistro: Sate Hut on the way back to our hometown as his friend said it serves the most scrumptious satay in the town, being a food lover we are, we could not resist his suggestion. It was crammed of people that we had to wait for a long queue. It is said that the business began from a small hut to a bigger bistro; I can see the business grows well. As always, Ayla was totally well-behaved all along the journey, she used to be in the car for hours since she was born, like her granny said, “Ayla membesar dalam kereta saje”. While having a dinner, no, it’s around 12.00 pm, so it supposed to be a supper but we had a big meal , nasi goreng pattaya and twenty sticks of fresh chicken satay together with warm orange and lime juice (since my hubby prone to asthma if it’s too cold). Ayla was sitting in between us as snug as a bug in a rug, busy self-playing and babbling with strangers, we ignored her to scoff our food; her mummy and daddy were extremely starving.

*****

On Saturday morning, I felt like Ayla’s skin was not as warm as usual, it was scorching hot nevertheless she looked all right so we thought she would get better soon. However, she slowly turned into a passive tot hence uninterested of the surroundings. She got strained eyes, her lips a bit pale and blue. Yet her huge appetite of breastfeeding was still good. At night, the temperature seemed not to go down thus I put my my little bean thermometer by my side in order to check her temperature, kept an eye on her, I woke up every hour to test out her temperature and at about 4 a.m, it was more than 40 celcius. I nudged my hubby only to tell him we’ve got to do something as the temperature was quite high. We spent hours of putting damp wet cloth on her head and body, doing it again and again until I was taken aback by a sudden shudder from her body, she trilled every time she quavered, it was obvious and strong that she could not control it. I bawled,

‘Eh Ayla, kenape ni, sayang? Sayang Okay. Abang, abang cuba tengok Ayla! “.

An interval of a couple of minutes, her body would shake terribly and then she trilled. Afraid that it might be seizure, I phoned my big brother, fortunately, he picked up the phone,

“Abang, anak ani, dia macam terperanjat-terperanjat, kejap-kejap die jadi, pastu macam menjerit, dia sawan ke? Macam mane nak tahu sawan?” I started to snivel.

“Okay, dia sedar tak or mata die ke atas?”

“Tak, dia macam sedar, mm”

“Mulut buih-buih?”

“Takde”

“Itu maksudnye die memang tak boleh control sebab menggeletar sangat, tu bukan sawan “

His answer failed to satisfy me, being so emotional and irrational at that time, I was at my wit’s end. My hubby was holding her tightly and reciting some zikr, acutely, we were like losing our bearings, my legs were both frozen, tongue-tied. Fahmi let Ayla cling to her chest, after about an hour, finally she stopped quivering. Her temperature reduced slowly but still around 38 C, she seemed so worn out, passive and stiff. She has never been like this before.

*****

On Sunday morning, I did not go for Solat sunat Raya in order to look after her, and forced my hubby not to go as well because I needed extra care. We stayed at home; ketupat daun palas were tasteless on that Raya morning. We dashed off to the nearby Chinese clinic which was the only one open during public holiday, and the doctor said her fever was so high. The doctor gave only a typical fever remedies. While waiting for paying the bills, a nurse came to shove some thick syrup into Ayla’s mouth that she screamed out loud, I swear everybody were staring at us, being a center of attraction in the public for a few minutes was so distracting. Ayla struggled herself in that lady’s arm. I could not bear look at this heart-rending scene, I requested,

“Dia mungkin tengah takut orang sebab dia dah kenal orang biar saya pegang” .

The lady passed Ayla to my hand. Ayla became a bit calm for a while but still reluctant to sip the syrup. The process was a real struggling! After a long struggle, Ayla then fell asleep right away; she might be dead tired of screaming and struggling. At home, I kept sponging water on her to ensure the temperature will not go above 40 C again.

*****

On Monday, she got a bit better so we shoved off to Malacca since my hubby’s birthday would be celebrated there, we had promised to join the BBQ. We lost our way as we reached Port Dickson that has a short-cut to Kg Sungai Baru. My hubby sped the car on the first lane that we did not realize there was a car who wanted us to give it a way until we were stuck at the Linggi toll gate. A tall dark man who looked like a nigger from the hind seat of the car ( It’s weird to see a nigger in Malacca that I guess it’s an Indian man that looks like a nigger ) jumped out and yelled at us, I could see a few others of his gang were in the car. I said Immediately;

“ Abang, jangan buat apa-apa, abang ada anak bini dalam kereta, bahaya, kunci pintu”

I thanked God he listened to my advice, he locked the door. We kept quite. I was so afraid that I wanted my hubby to make a U-turn, anxious that they might wait in front to get ready to attack us. With an innocent sick baby in my arms, I prayed to God to protect us. A night travel to Malacca was not a good idea, so scary; we saw nothing but only a huge jungle without street lights. We arrived at the junction where we almost crashed into a car.

In the wooden village house in Malacca, I went to war against huge mosquitoes flitting over my baby. The night went a nightmare; she kept vomiting the whole night. Next morning, we took her to a nearby clinic located in Masjid Tanah, the doctor said she might get food poisoning because her temperature was normal 37 C in contrast to my Brother’s prediction,

“ I think it's an infection, if fever does not go away within three days, that is not normal”.

The clinic made a report to send Ayla to the hospital. We went to Kem Terendak Hospital. Doctor took a sample of her blood for a blood test, it’s clear that she was okay and no symptoms of hydration, ended up to drip some of Oral rehydration salt to give her some energy as well as to replace the loss of body fluids due to vomiting and diarrhea. Two times the huge needle stick to both of her hands and feet, eight times in total! FAILED. I felt like scolding the staff for hurting her. I almost black out to see my sunshine cried bloody murder, I left her to her daddy.

*****

Ayla still refused to take any of meds that she puked every time we shoved it into her mouth.

On Tuesday, I detected some red patches appeared all over her face and on her trunk. My parent said those looked like chicken pox. The doctor said it might be a food allergy, my hubby in doubt it’s a sign of dengue. I said it might the reaction of taking Paracetamol. Whatever. I just want my Ayla back.

At last, I stopped giving any except breastfeeding. Now, she shows a lot of improvements, smiles, sits down and starts to move around though not that full of beans. I was grateful this never happens when I am alone with my sunshine in Sabak Bernam. Seriously. I just can't imagine it.

Please pray that she will get well soon. Oh Please.

111111

Happy 25th Birthday Darling! ;)

2011-10-31T23:11:00.000-07:00

HaPPy BirthDay HuBBy !

Another year has passed you

At 25

You’re now a Daddy

Alhamdulillah!

I keep thinking

of things about you I appreciate.

There’s a lot

than I can’t ever think of

It means so much to have you in my life;

A prince charming for whom

I had been waiting for

Since I was a little girl

Your adoring care makes every single day blessed

That I live my days with contentment.

Your amazing character creates

special times together that I treasure.

In the warmth of your hands

I live within a secure and steady world,

you wipe my tears when I am sad

you hold me high when I am down

you bring me light when all I can see is dark

you back me up when no one cares

you understand me when none does

Your easygoing ways mean that I'm blessed

With peace and joy and wonderful harmony.

You are just an amazing man I ever met

To me your birthday this year is a fortune

011111

a reminder from god to bring wonders

To the lives of people around you

I hope it brings you joy in every way

I Love you! I will always do!

Sabak Bernam

November 2011

011111

No more going ape!

2011-10-16T22:09:00.000-07:00

I am waiting for this November to come, as around in the mid the result of my application to transfer to Klang will be coming out and this is the THIRD time. I manage not to build up any hope because previously, all of my hopes were dashed by the rejection. It was so exigently excruciating to live with hope. Duh! Somehow I feel okay because I believe I am not going to spend the rest of my life here, soon or later I will go out of here, the fact of life cycle will let it happen so why worried. (I am now in a very good mood because school holiday is around the corner, *Jolly Laugh*).

Lately, having to finish an oral test at least twice for each of more than hundreds students really makes me spring to life as I am actually behind time, I suppose to get ready with the result earlier. In addition to prepare for final exam paper and get to mark piles of those, I swear procrastination really wastes my time. It’s getting shoddier when the tasks appear to be redundant because of my own blunder!

Oh well, my goody-goody sunshine is doing great. Guess what? I started to realize that she got my face! Ha Ha! Her not so wide eyes, her not so sharp nose, her not so fair skin: kulit Melayu, her cute pout when she is so focused or absorbed in something, she definitely resembles her mum in term of look ~~only~~, hopefully she will never turn out to be as clumsy as her mum.

Days in the making

Every day is tiring but thrilling

Looking at Ayla’s budding

Such an effective healing to depressing,

Home chores and work I am juggling,

Still on top of all is breastfeeding

Sometimes I do crying

When I don’t have time for playing

Those actually make my life worth living

To have something to be doing

Sabak Bernam

October 2011

Words above describe what is going on in my life now. I have nothing much to say but I still want to write something so that my blog does not look abandoned.

Anyway, out of topic. I miss Japan badly!

17102011

Syawal 2011

2011-09-28T21:16:00.000-07:00

Syawal

The splendid month of Lights fare

When delightful faces are everywhere

happy children jump in blare

Create a beautiful welfare

and laughter and smiles flare

That dazzling festival of rendang and ketupat
Where everyone takes pleasure in a royal feast
When old and young with joy meet
With warmth and affection all hearts beat.

At last Syawal rings down the curtain

The feeling of happiness will still remain

September 2011

Sabak Bernam

29092011

Go ape.

2011-08-23T21:16:00.000-07:00

I have been holding out a hope against hope that it may not be any problems for me to be transferred into another school since I have many strong reasons- follow my husband, nine months of pregnant with bad health condition and now have a baby, my husband can’t find job here as Sabak bernam is not an industrial area that can offer jobs aligned with his qualifications and nature of work. Countless times my applications had fallen on deaf ears; my letters might be thrown away like putrid rubbish, made me sick at heart. I am just as sick as a parrot to deal with trifling bureaucracy in which does not even help anyone, it is burdening! Oppressing subordinates like me. What a heck! Oh please, don’t talk about my school; it makes be sick to death! I don’t think I can stay here any longer.

Oh my, it’s been a year already! How times flies but I still cannot adapt well staying here. Everything should be okay but I am still in a state of denial that I am actually here, paying my service that I lose my passion, being alone with my sunshine! Between career and family, as a mum, family is still on top, but it seems like I sacrifice my family for my job. I realize it does not conform to the norm of being a woman unless both career and family can be carried along in balance. How to make both balances is complex. To me, it’s a thorny problem.

Oh! I am such an ungrateful wretch! I almost forget how lucky I am to own everything that many people really want in their life. Great parents who are still doing well and always there to help me in need, good husband who never misses every single day to say "I love you" and does his best to give the best to his family, a cute baby who grows up well and healthily, my dream car that I don’t have to pay for a loan, an enough salary that I can still do some saving for emergency case, good health , my breast milk is never running out (I saw many disappointing mums whose dream to breastfeed their baby exclusively but stopped half-way and they turned out to be very guilty, being a mum myself, I really understand how exactly they feel, all mums want the best for their kids) and myriads of blessings that I know I must do a lot of retrospection so that I was not included among of ungrateful slaves to the eyes of God.

Ramadhan is in the nick of time, I am so sad; I miss every golden second to really submit myself to HIM. I kill hours on the road travelling to meet my husband every week rather than doing solat-solat sunat. I spend my time in bed because I am so tired of breastfeeding and looking after my baby together with workloads rather than delving into tafseer Al-Quran more often. It was a race against time to have a big wish to khatam reciting Alquran and reading the tafseer for this Ramadhan. It’s a big shame to call myself as a Muslimah but not even finish delving into tafsir Al-quran yet. Iman dan taqwa saya masih belum sempurna, padanlah cacat cela sana sini. Time and tide wait for no man. How can I accept this?

20082011

The whole family got a fever.

2011-08-16T22:56:00.000-07:00

Opah (Ayla's babysitter) told me that she could not afford to go to mosque for terawikh owing to a very bad flu. This worried me too much as Ayla’s immunity is about to build that I know she’s still way too susceptible to fever, she’s not even reaching five months yet. The thing that I scared most finally happened, when I was holding Ayla in my arm and getting ready to put her in baby car seat, I heard the bibik (Opah’s daughter) screaming out,

“Ape tu! hidung Ayla macam ada air leleh-leleh”

I slightly swayed my head over Ayla , Oh My God, she got a flu!

“ Alah , berjangkit dengan opah ke”. Opah’s voice was full of guilt.

***

Ayla grows up well and healthily, a chunky baby who always wakes up in the morning with a toothless smile and falls asleep at night after a long howl for a nip. She never got a fever even after a few jabs of immunizations that I am in no doubt that she is always be fine hence nothing to worry about. I got a wrong idea that she won’t get sick for the sake of getting full breast milk. On Thursday night, around 2 00 a.m, while breastfeeding her, I felt her skin was hot when it touched my body, not as warm as usual. I grabbed a little bean digital thermometer, put it under her armpit and Tet! Tet! Tet! It was 38C ! Oh man. I woke my husband up, told him that Ayla got a high temperature and what should we do. There was no nearby clinic, it was already around 2.00 am and my hubby looked worn out after driving 151 km straight away from working hours and just reached here in Sabak Bernam. When thing like this happens, I am always be at my wits’ ends, letting myself into a tizzy like there’ s no tomorrow while my hubby takes it under his stride, acts like nothing happens and everything is okay. However, Ayla was still demanding for milk, sleeping well and looking comfortable so I guessed she should be in no danger. My hubby took napkins, soaked them wet, applied that cool damp cloth on her forehead and tummy, did it again and again till the dusk. We checked her temperature again that morning, it dropped to normal, 37 C.

It does not end there,

Soon afterward, I felt like durian skin caught under my throat that I clammed up every minute. Oh No, infections from Ayla invaded my body’s system and my immune system is now combating with this evil virus! When push came to shove, I managed not to go back to Sabak Bernam, staying alone with Ayla in this condition would have been a mess. On Monday night, I got a fever. Since all the clinics were closed, we shoved off to 24 hour clinic surgery, I got two days MC. As I am writing this, my head is heavy with runny nose, coughing with phlegm, maybe it is the signs that the pain is slowly easing off, I hope so. I intended to take a sip of cough syrup made from an ivy dried leaf, nevertheless, accidentally stumbled upon one article stating that it is not suitable for breastfeeding mum! I have no idea. I am not sure and I choose not to take it. I am a bit agitated to see Ayla poops rather often than usual and the poops look a bit watery. I consume 1000 mg of paracetamol and Maxomillin. Is it okay? I know I should take a calculated risk since everything I eat will affect my breast milk. I called my brother to ensure the meds will not harm my baby, he asked me,

“Does the Doc know that you breastfeed?

“Yes”

‘So it should be okay”

I did some googling to convince me. It is confirmed that those pills are safe for breastfeeding mum.

Now, my husband is infected too. This worried me so much because fever will trigger his asthmatic.(Oh, can I cry now?) Wish us to get well soon. Ramadhan Kareem. Salam Nuzul Quran everyone!

17082011

Reminiscence of first pregnancy: Ayla.

2011-08-02T05:57:00.000-07:00

"Amazingly Thy Lord, the strength that you grant me even though invisibly unseen but the upshot of it is visibly seen and so immensely miraculous. Thank God, You still furnish me with wit and wisdom to see myriads of blessings as well as lesson come across the difficulties. Verily, Dear God, Direct me to the straight path. The way of those on whom you have bestowed your grace, not the way of those who have earned your anger, nor of those who have lost their way and are astray”

***

Flashing back to the reminiscences during all of the trying times when I was pregnant of Ayla, it summons up every ounce of strength, attested to my faith that I can handle hard times. Enough to make me feel superbly strong.

I was confirmed pregnant in July 2010; the same time I got my first posting as a teacher in Sabak Bernam which is miles away from family. I didn’t meet up my husband except in December and the day I delivered Ayla, that was my lucky star, soon after I got 1 cm dilation, my husband safely arrived KLIA. Pregnancy supposed to be the most wonderful and fulfilling experience one will ever have, but as for me, it was pretty traumatic yet terrifically full of exciting queries that changed me into a stark raving bonkers like how to brush my teeth when every time I looked at it, I would vomit yellow.

First Trimester: July 2010-September 2010

I drove Proton Saga manually every day, due to that, I experienced severe pain like menstrual from thigh to waist, I almost defecated since I maneuvered with pressure between gear and pedals while sitting on a wobbly seat. I got diarrhea for weeks and it disappeared after I drove matrix Hyundai, I borrowed it from my mom temporarily and promised to return it after my Wish and Caldina arrived the port.

At that time, I had no choice other than making a thick face to stay in a stranger’s house for weeks. It took about two months looking for a rental house until finally I found one in the village which has a long ditch in front of the house, wells at the edge of the house, surrounded with coconut plantation and quite a remote neighbor, no street lights along of half hours road to reach its main capital.

I suffered from a terrible Hyperemesis Gravidarum or in other words, morning sickness. It lasted for four months. I don't know why it is called morning sickness since I had 24 hour morning sickness. I was constantly throwing up and suffering from heartburn, headache, dizziness, fainting, cramp and bad fever and cough at times and sensitive to odor. I did not know what I could eat since everything made me feel ill. Despite of weak condition, I washed clothes by hand every evening to prove to myself I could do it even though I was sick. At times, I vomited blood due to a lot of vomiting that tore my throat. I was in a high emotional stress, craving for support, miss my hubby’s physical touch of comforting me; I was not only physically worn-out but emotionally in pain. The mood swing during the pregnancy was so appalling, I wept around the clock in my room alone yet managed to put a fake grin when I was with people. I always feel an urge to do something opposite when things seemed not to swing my way like eating when I was actually felt like vomiting, smiling when I was actually dejected, sleeping when my eyes were awakening fresh. I lost control over my feelings and submit myself to a deep gloom no matter how hard I worked on it, I still felt a deep pang of sorrow. I always has this question in my mind: Was I born to be emotionally pathetic?

Second Trismester: October -November 2010

Morning sickness reduced slowly but I still got heartburn, fainting and cramp. There was a time a water drip stick to my hand and I laid alone in the clinic, I was also injected with a sort of transparent liquid, I had no idea, but they said it helped to cure my bad morning sickness. It was so painful. However, second trimester was the most comfortable zone because I was in good condition in the end of September and able to fly to Japan. What a perfect get-away!

Third Trimester: January 2011-March 2011

I didn’t expect to be sent to Hospital, when I was doing a weekly check-up at klinik kesihatan desa, in all of sudden, they traced me having an anemia with low blood pressure and right away brought me to the hospital by ambulance alone, yes, again. I was there with nothing but a cellphone with only one bar left, a purse, and a paper bag. I was detained in the ward which was full of 8 patients who were waiting to give birth at anytime. I was sent there owing to anemia as my Hb was too low and constantly declining from normal range. The doctor gave me two options, blood infusions or ten times of imferon injections. I chose imferon injections thinking whose blood run in my body made me feel dubious. The doctor said, If my body does not give any reactions like rashes or diarrhea, I can go back home. In the morning, I got another dose and my condition seemed good so I was allowed to discharge.

The saddest part is when the nurse said,

“Nanti husband awak datang, suruh dia bawa resit ni lepas tu bayar kat kaunter sana”

With sharp snout pasted on my face, I replied

“My husband is not here, I am going to pay it myself”.

With unchanged cloth, I shuffled, paid the bill, went back home which never ever feels like home. Imferon injection was continued at nearest klinik kesihatan that I had to go everyday even on the weekends and the clinic was only open for me. I contracted cramp the moment a huge needle stick to my buttocks and I had to wait for a few minutes to stand up and drive my car. As the needle was jabbing, I bit my lips as I felt the pain of imferon getting its way. The nurse cried looking at me. I got two huge black bruises at my buttocks and I had no idea when will they fade away, it’s still painful a bit at times. This is the most traumatic part of all.

My breast pain kept me awake the last few weeks before delivering. They both hurt like lots of needles penetrating deep and stretching to the point there was just a constant ache. This was a total shock to me!! I cried everyday because it was extremely sore. My hubby post a box of pad compressor that I had to soak them into ice water and put them on my boobs regularly. At times, colostrum leaked out. It disappeared right after Ayla popped out and did the first latch-on!

* * *

This entry answer the question on my first pregnancy experience, sounding all sad and pathetic, a deeply sad experience and may strain your nerves but there are still a lot more people who suffered worst than I was.

02082011

Smile

2011-07-03T16:58:00.000-07:00

I know the feeling of sadness and happiness do not come together in balance, either one will control my emotion at one time, and it is shown through my facial expression, so, I choose to put a smile rather than putting an ugly sad-looking snout on my face. The reason is clear. I feel ugly inside out if I am sad. Putting a smile when my heart crying does not mean I am a fake old trout, it really helps energizing positive sides in me to be in charge. At times, it is a tough nut, the hardest thing to do, yet I have to tough it out.

I am not good at pretending everything seems to be fine when poignancy leads my way out, no matter how hard I strive, I will fall down in the end by whimpering alone like a baby, that is how I realize I have reached my lowest point. Weeping is something I do when I am alone or with people I love with a hope they will comfort me. Lately, I realize there’s a solution for it.

It happened on last Friday when I accidentally smiled after shedding tears. I cried right after expressing my breast milk during recess time (I have to do it like hide-and-seek, afraid if any male teachers or students suddenly get into staff room and approach my desk, pumping session takes place under my desk, huhu!), thinking I can’t breathe with an abrupt changes in my life. It turned me into a little bit bonkers. I smiled because many teachers smiled at me at that time, takkan tak pasal-pasal nak mencebik. Then, I felt good for only a smile that costs me nothing.

See! See! Smile works to keep myself sane, at least, to keep myself on the right track or I will be off my nut as nutty as a fruitcake if I let myself in a depressing mode. So, I choose to smile. The more I feel sad, the more I will smile. It brings wonders to my life.

Smile when I suffer from a " chronic" plugged milk ducts that turns into a painful lump for the whole day that I can't sleep. (It happened twice when I have no one to turn to, I called my Brother and he said try to express my milk as much as possible though I told him my milk did not come out from 3.00 am till 5.00 pm after lots of pumping as well as warm and cold compresses. I do not have heart to call my husband to drive a hundred miles to reach Sabak Bernam and see me crying. Well, we only meet once a week and it’s okay than I’d only got to meet him after a couple of months when he was in Japan back then)

Smile when tones of works which seem never come to an end in school.

Smile when politic in school is so critical and unprofessional that makes me stay away from it by doing what should I do rather than being busybody.

Smile when I have to be by my baby's side almost every second after I get home from school, sometimes I skip my lunch or my dinner because that is the only time I can take a nap, rushing for solat 5 waktu and taking a bath. Mandi macam tak basah, makan macam tak kenyang.

Smile when I have to wake up at five and get ready with everything before I send my baby to babysitter who sees feeding my baby with expressed breast milk is trifling and does not see the relevant reasons of why I do not rocking my baby with buaian.

Smile when I miles away from people I loved and stand on my foot alone with my baby.

Smile when I feel like wanting to quit my job.

A SMILE

It costs nothing

It happens in a flash

It makes those who receive feel good

Even though when those who give do not have any goods

Everybody affords it

It makes everyone rich

It is respite from the somnolent,

It is daylight to the dejected,

It is the nature's best antidote for trouble.

It cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen,

It’s free

Leave one of mine and yours

To you and to myself

Banting

July 2011

040711

Dreams

2011-06-20T22:54:00.000-07:00

As I am writing this, I am by myself with my sunshine who’s still pinning a hope that she will not where she’s now.

Dreams

My world is going down and down

Deep and deep

Into a bad dream that I never ever want to remember

Yet I still have many good dreams

Even every day there's more troubles for me to carry around

Even when my body seems to lose its alignments

Even when I always feel time is running out

Even when I am by myself surviving alone with my sunshine

Even many things do not go my way

But I'm me

and I'm going to stand tall and still get around

no matter how much hell is coming around

I am not giving up

As I believe

I will forget my bad dream

Once I get into my good dreams.

Sabak Bernam

June 2011

200611

A handful of love to you.

2011-04-06T07:11:00.000-07:00

Even though I am a bit edgy wallowing in “Pantang” session that I shed tears rather often yet I am still in the mode of thankfulness and appreciation especially to The Almighty God for still allowing me to live life longer. (Oh My God! I thought I was going to breathe my last breath during the delivery but it turned out to be well, Alhamdulillah) and on the greatest gift that made me extremely amazed the wonder of God. My God, I cried like hell when the nurse put my baby on me right away after she went out and the warm of our skin vibrated like a magnet. My utmost appreciation to my dearest hubby and my beloved mama who held my hands tightly the moment I could not stand an unbearable pain of contractions, their undying support encouraged me in making it through no matter what. My mama is truly an inspiration to me, I wonder how could she deliver 11 children! My special thanks extend to my whole family especially to my big brother Dr. Mohamad Firdaus who kept advising me to be strong, willing to lend his ears to my cry when I felt like having no one to turn to during my pregnancy and observing my health condition, I believe one day you will be a great Psychiatric, I pray for you. To my sister, Nurul Ulfa who gave me a lot of guidance together with her warm care and thoughts, I pray she will have a smooth delivery for her third child and my daughter will have a same age cousin soon, InsyaAllah. My supportive family-in-laws, their concern, care and love really made my life complete. To all my friends and people who know me that sincerely dropped some motivational words till the day I gave birth to my sunshine through sms and facebook, Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! May God bless every one of you because you mean a lot to me!

Here, introducing my sunshine, Ayla Binti Muhamad Fahmi. She was born on Sunday morning, exactly at the time sun was shining brightly, 9.20 a.m., in Hospital Banting, 27th March 2011 on her due date on the dot! It happened suddenly with normal delivery but the unbearable contractions started at 7.00 am. on Saturday. She is 3.1 kg, really out of my expectation because I thought her weight is below 3 kg. Alhamdulillah.God made my wish come true as I prayed that she would come out after her dad arrival from Japan. Here are some shots of her, I am afraid of snapping the pics with flash so the pics may not be too attractive.

"Take a sprinkling of fairy dust, An angel's single feather, Also a dash of love and care, Then mix them both together. Add a sentiment or two, A thoughtful wish or line, A touch of stardust, a sunshine ray... Its a recipe, for a Baby Girl truly fine."

06042011

Happy 2nd Anniversary Abang! (^^,)

2011-02-27T20:50:00.000-08:00

Happy second Anniversary Abang!.

Abang,

You are..

My hero,

My man,

My De Amor.

Abang,

Through sorrow and pain

We learn how to make the best of our marriage

It’s wonderful

As we still have tears of love and laughter

Just because we know

You are a part of me

And I am a part of you

We complete each other

Our Unshakeable love will last until the very end.

Abang,

We will face every challenge together

No matter how hard it is.

When I am so down

As if every inch of my strength is falling apart.

Weak.

feeble.

You tell me

We as a Muslim must believe

“We will be tested till the last breath

So please dear, embrace every little thing coming across our life

With that belief

We will have strength to face it

Together With effort, pray and tawakal

To reach the final destination

Because that’s the price we have to pay to enter Paradise”

Abang,

My devotion to you will never fade away

I cherish every single second I have with you

I love you more and more

Than I could ever possibly imagine

We are forever a lifelong companion

I will be on your shoulder from the dawn of our love

To the dusk of our lives

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY ABANG!

March 2011

Sabak Bernam

27.02.11

My sunshine (^-^)

2011-01-30T02:57:00.000-08:00

As my little sunshine kicks around and bounces in my womb, I cannot stop wondering what my sunshine will be like. No matter what happens, one thing for sure, mama and papa will love you unconditionally and last till Jannah.

My sunshine,

I always think how funny
When I first felt you moved,
only a little,
Like butterflies were fluttering
In my tummy,
Right after I sipped a cup of hot Milo.

My sunshine,

As time passed by,
you really began to grow,
It was rather slow,
yet, it felt like a second
Though without papa by our side,
You remained strong and calm,
Telling me not to lose strength,
That we would go ups and downs together,
Papa wanted us to be strong
Despite the fact that papa was not there with us,
We did it
We made papa proud!

My sunshine,

People would ask me,
if, you were a boy or a girl.
I would smile and guess,
I just can’t wait
To welcome you

My sunshine,

There are millions of things,
I really eager to know.
But, you are hidden inside,
so the answers lies with you.

How much will you weigh?
Will you have wavy hair like your papa?
how tall will you be?
Are you as sensitive as your papa?
what color is your skin?

My sunshine,

I hope and pray,
you feel like the happiest child
To have papa and I

My sunshine,

Papa and I,
planned you from the very beginning.
You, my dear sunshine,
were made straight from our hearts.
You are the product,
of your papa's love and mine.

There will be no one like you,
not any place in the world.
It really doesn't matter,
if you are a boy or a girl.
The gender doesn't matter.
We are both so contented,
that you even exist,
And fated to be our bundle of joy

My sunshine,

I hope papa and I make you happy,
that we are your parents every day.
Because, you have filled our dreams,
in more ways, than words can say.

My sunshine,

The time is near,
I can feel the anticipation growing,
I know I'm going to shed tears .

Don't worry my sunshine,
those tears will be of bliss.

January 2011

Klang

30.01.2011

It’s a first day of 2011! I think I call for some resolutions.

2011-01-01T00:19:00.000-08:00

It’s a new year, I just don’t realize it. It seems like I live in my own world. I have a quite number of resolutions but I got a weird feeling, a bundle of nerves to really state my resolutions of 2011 thinking about will my age be any longer. Will I not be long for this world?

This is a 7th month Pregger who misses her hubby so much

I wish my neuron would grow productively, react normally like before instead of dawdling in seizing the stimulations around me, I have no idea, I just noticed I got a mind like a sieve! I deemed that perhaps it’s because of the presence of Pregnancy hormone in my body, I hope a speedy recovery. I can totally feel an abrupt changes inside me; I tell you it makes me feel so terrible. Yesterday, while talking with my hubby in the phone, I did not finish my words, stopped half way and then right away he carried on finishing my words that sounded like did not make sense at all, I know he was trying to spice our conversation with sort of “cheer up a bit”. I replied with serious tone.

“No, it’s not that, Oh, What did I say just now, Oh my god, Oh my God, abang, I really got a problem with my mind, I can’t focused, I don’t know what am I doing, what am I saying, I forget things easily”.

He snickered. My hubby did not really see it as a matter of concern. It may seem like nothing but it’s a sign of something went wrong about me that no one take a heed of. I do really care about myself that I am worried every minute.

Last time, during the departure to Malaysia from Kansai airport, I was almost left out by MH052, it should not happen after four times of going to and fro to Japan. A nice lady with a walkie-talkie looked for me and asked if I am doing fine, she escorted me to the jet plane. I went across the boarding gate, it was already empty, and that was how I knew I was the last passenger who nearly left out. Thank god I traveled light with only a little luggage so it made my walking pace a bit easier.

I safely arrived Malaysia with a mindset that the hectic life will begin soon, I try to be mentally and physically prepared. I settled down to many personal affairs. I transferred thousands of ringgit into my friend’s account and the money was not in owing to banker’s fault, she did type error of my friend’s account number so I need to call Bank Rakyat to get my money back into my account, and went back to the bank. I got that part settled. Then I received Surat Lantikan Tetap , I managed to draw up some documents as I have to hand in within 60 days otherwise I will be assumed as rejected the offer. I did medical check up, angkat sumpah and etc. My clothes do not fit me anymore so I have to get new ones lest I don’t have anything to wear for daily working. I attended school meeting, I got a quite number of posts. I filled in a form of maternity leaves. I drew out a large sum of cash to pay for 5 months of Maxis monthly bill and rental house from January to March because I will leave Sabak bernam ~~forever~~ by March for my first baby delivery. I felt so painful around my ligament after being so restless, dragged heavy things as I moved out into a new room in the rented house. More comfortable because the room is fully furnished and provided with a toilet. Alhamdulillah. The house always black out so I get my torchlight ready on the table.

I drove my car to Sabak Bernam from 3 p.m and arrived at 9.00 pm! I had to be on duty at school this week. While driving back home, I was feeling rather somnolent after on the go all day long, I was dead beat, I dropped by somewhere at the side of the road and dead to the world about two hours. I woke up and immediately continued driving. In a few seconds, I was nearly met with an accident when there were a Wira at the right lane and a big lorry on the left lane honking loudly at me to get out of the way, I heard the screeching sound, I was sandwiched in between the wira and the lorry. The lorry driver put up his FUCK finger and screamed out at me. My tummy was so stiff and taut at that moment; I rubbed it softly and said “Astaghfirullah”. God saved me. I felt like crying. Lonely. Weak. Speechless.

I was so eager to settle down everything as soon as possible though I have more time to carry over to get all the affairs done. However, I kept worrying if I will not be able to do it tomorrow because I will have many things at the back of my mind as soon as I start my work. I want to put aside everything and get focused to my work. I forced myself until I became exhausted, I really push my limit. The wheels fall off. I learnt we cannot do too many things at the same time especially when your mind and body needs rest, you will only put yourself into shitholes. I will burn myself out if I refuse to slow down at this condition.

Recently, I met a doctor to do a scanning as I was so eager to know whether it’s she or He. My husband has never been by my side all along of most of the medical test during my pregnancy, Thank god the excitement is still alive. The first thing Doctor said,

“ It depends on the condition of the baby, it’s just your lucky day if you can see the baby's genital”

“It’s okay”

The doctor pressed my womb for some minutes after the transparent chilly liquid was spread all over my tummy.

“It’s a girl”

“Really?”

“yes, it’s a girl, I can see the hole part looks like a groove”

“Oh, confirm?”

“Yes’

“Is it so obvious?”

“That’s what I see”

She pointed her finger on the screen and explained to me.

“Doctor, can it be wrong”

“Mm, why, what gender do you actually wish for your first baby?’

“I thought it was a boy, never mind, as long as she’s healthy and perfect”

“Okay ape anak sulung perempuan”

I smiled. Alhamdulillah.

“Your baby is in extended breech condition, you will have to do cesarean if she is breech''

“When should I check it”

“By the end of this February”

“Is there any possibility the baby’s head will move downward when the labour begins”

“No, because there’s no enough space for the baby to move around anymore”

I am excited, worried, and anxious. I don’t know. Mix of feelings. I just need someone by my side to listen to my blabber. Grief divided is made lighter so that I can get on with my life with strong motivation.

“Quietly and Secluded
Entwined
In Her own thoughts “

01.01.2011

Shopping at Nishimatsuyo (^^,)

2010-12-10T02:10:00.000-08:00

Maternity jeans

Oh My God! The top of my uterus has risen above my belly button and is now about the size of a soccer ball. Can you imagine my recent look now? Please don`t! I managed not to draw out my money for saving purpose which I call `Dana kecemasan` though I really need some maternity clothes, at least one or two are enough, I don`t mind wearing the same clothes every day by recycling it. Fortunately, my dear Hubby was like forcing me `ambiklah sayang, ambiklah sayang`. It really triggered my strong desire to have them. My hubby managed to buy me two pants and two maternity dresses for outings. Oh, I miss wearing jeans; it seems like ages since my hips getting bigger. I only wanted a pair of jeans, he said take two, I told him `No no no, satu cukup!`, Alah! I will only wear it for three months more, not for a long term, unnecessary.

I bought this dress.

We should tighten our purse-strings since we just about to begin a new life, we are parents-to-be who just start working somewhere in Selangor where everything seems to be pricey, and surely money is the issue. Still, we decided to go shopping, get some baby and maternity essentials which maybe hardly found in Malaysia such as;

Baby kimono wrap

There was a kakak who delivered her baby here in Japan once said to me that `baju baby kat japan bagus la, akak tak tahulah baju ni ade kat Malaysia ke tak, tapi memang tak jumpe kat Malaysia dulu, senang nak pakai utk baby`

I think she meant this one, baby kimono wrap because it`s snapless, zipperless and buttonless that is easy and fast, you can just closes it with easy inner and outer ties without shoving baby`s head over the neck, just need to open at the bottom to provide easy access for diaper changes and allows skin to skin contact during feeding. It makes a perfect going home from hospital outfit or shower baby gift.

Baby bath hanger produced by Combi

It`s just a piece of cloth that you hang at the tub by clipping it over both side of the tub to avoid the baby from slipping over from your hands while bathing him/her, mainly for the safety of the baby. I had never seen this anywhere, not even in the online shopping website, there was only one left at the shop so we grabbed it!

Smartypants reusable cloth Diapers.

Modern diapers

Reusable inner for modern diapers

I know this smart diaper has been existed in Malaysia, you can buy them through online yet I was so attracted to spot them here, I could not wait. I bought its washable inner as well which is also reusable nevertheless, the disposable ones are affordable. I think it can save our money as we don`t have to spend our money much on buying disposable diapers soon. Simple. Smart. Green. By using this, I believe, we will keep more money in our wallet, have less of an impact on the planet, and keep our baby dry and comfortable. Ceewah! do I sound like a promoter?(^^,)

Maternity girdle and support belt

maternity girdle

Support belt

As my belly turns into a size of soccer ball, I was yearning for maternity girdle to have a normal walking, some told me that the way I am walking is awkward and ugly like a waddling duck! Perhaps maternity girdle or support belt will treat this kind of condition. To those pregger, if you find your belly is dropping or hanging down that may disturb your movement, try to wear this, it helps me, and it may help you too. I bought two in one set, a maternity girdle including support belt. At morning, I wear both while at night, I only wear girdle to give some space while sleeping.

Above are the essentials that I feel practical and rare to be found in Malaysia or maybe I just do not notice, I am so ignorant now plus I don`t have time to go for window shopping. Oh, we wanted to buy a bumbo chair, a baby multifunction stroller and a baby sling but our cash had already ran out mcm air, we need to save some for our survival.

Baby sling

Bumbo chair

Multifunction stroller

Brest pump. I want this so much, I plan to do a full breastfeeding for the first sixth months of my baby without mixing up with formula milk.

For the past few months of pregnancy, I am about 24 weeks turn into 25 weeks, it means I am about 6 months of pregnancy, how time flies! I gained weight drastically, many parts are getting chubbier, everyone notices that. I feel weird, require much time to adjust with my new appearance. My soccer ball keeps pressing my below part. Now I know why some preggers told me that they need to go to toilet every minute and wet their pants at times.

10.12.2010

End of 2010. Good.

2010-12-07T08:44:00.000-08:00

Some would ask why do I keep myself in a sudden deathly hush for all this while. Okay buddy, let me account for months of silence. First is because I had hard times that really impinged on my emotion, as a result, I got atrocious mood swings, my true enthusiasm of doing all the things I used to keen on turned out to be as dry as a bone. Second, I was terribly sick due to early pregnancy syndromes which had become stable when I reached fifth month of pregnancy. Third, I can`t stay focused when I find myself coping with something new that come in a bulk at one time, it makes me call for some times to stretch myself out, try to make myself in a good condition before I attempt to be doing something I love. Since I am now at the best of times during my pregnancy, yeah, I am feeling at my best, I want to do what I love which is blogging. People around me usually see me as a quite person and yes, I will always be, that`s why I love writing more than speaking.

Every time I left for Japan, I always find this time is the greatest moment ever as I am free from hassles that I used to have in everyday life, being a teacher with not-so-bad income plus school holidays that you can spend with your family makes me feel more than enough.

Oh, it`s hard to say that this might be the last time of going to and fro to Japan because Hubby will be coming back to Malaysia next year and settle down in Malaysia permanently, if he comes here again, it`s just for out station reason. It must be a bit heartrending for him to say bye-bye to the place which taught him a lot, like my mom said `tempat die dewasa`, the situation might be like he had to leave Pandan Jaya, KL after 18 years of growing up there and moved to Klang. I have such a feeling to Bandar Baru Bangi when I had to move to Banting.

Oh sorry, I can`t digress from speaking about school matter. You know I am a teacher, a government servant who has to serve for school by teaching them basically about language, hey, hello! Teaching language is never been easy, how long will a baby be able to speak, and when they speak, do they speak fluently and coherently with perfect pronunciation and without grammatical error, let be realistic, I am not teaching my students to master the language but to LOVE the language, to get the messages about life through Literature component. Every person entails so much factors to master the language, and I do believe the most crucial factor is the environment apart from ones effort and not all comes from English-speaking-background, elite class (I said Elite because back then, Elite got loads of money to have English class and go abroad, you get what I mean here?). I only speak English when there is the need to do so and in the class, I avoid translating and that`s tough because students unable to pick up my English, previous English teacher did teaching English using Malay and my students come from rural areas who sees English as an alien. Yeah. Well, I was not surprised, This is what I expected when I first got this school nevertheless, to cope with the situation, that`s a BIG problem to me.

To tell the truth, the beginning of my career did not go well. I skipped many classes owing to my health conditions. I almost burnt myself out. There was a time when I tried to write something on a whiteboard, I almost fell down. I did not finish the syllabus, I spent so much time curling under my desk and sleeping like a log. I felt so guilty to see my salary in the bank account because I don`t deserve the money, I was asking myself,` berkat ke duit gaji ni sbb aku tak buat keje`. I cried a river thinking about keberkatan, I wanted to take holidays and I did not mind if I did not get monthly salary during the days of leave but I was not allowed to do so because I am `Guru Siswazah Terlatih` with five years contract and already went through an interview for `Lantikan tetap DG41’.

Oh, I was assigned to teach English for form 4 and form 1, it was actually my request to be teaching English. Well, my request had been accepted may be because they were pity of my health condition, I got such a pathetic look since I was posted to Sabak Bernam. Physically, I fell sick all the times, fainted, blacked out, vomited, fever, dizzy, lost appetite, weak, Mc, Mc, Mc, injection here and there, I got through the pain alone and I clammed up every minute. Mentally, I had not seen my hubby all along of fifth month of pregnancy, no family members by my side, workloads in school were like mountains. I find it`s hard to survive there alone with many many new things took place in my life but hey, Alhamdulillah, I could go this far. I learned that anywhere I go, the place won`t change for me, never, thus, by hook or by crook, I have to find ways to change in the sense of adapting myself. I wanted to get over the pain, God willing I bumped into a book entitled : Mukashafah Al-Qulub Imam Al-Ghazali. Great. Get one buddy! Oh, did I tell you that I have been thinking to move into another school when my hubby comes back soon and I`ll be taking 3 months of holidays in a row after delivering my first baby.

Before holidays, I personally met my headmaster to get permission to not attending the school meeting and will not be on duty on this December because I really want to have quality times with my hubby, it`s only just for four weeks after five months of being apart. The headmaster disagreed to back me up, I had to accept and backed down though I felt like answering back as I banked on his sympathy before I stepped my foot into his office. What else to do, stop working and pay more than hundred thousands to KPM is not the best solution, my problem boils down to a lack of money. I`ve got no choice so I stay, survive, and make myself strong. I wonder if his wife or his daughter is in my condition, what he would feel. Mm…

As I`m writing this, I can`t stop thinking that I only have two more weeks to be here and go back to Sabak Bernam, be on duty, working and alone. I hate it but I have to love it lest I won`t be happy. I got many trips in Japan but I don`t write them all. And Tokyo is the latest trip. Next time, if I feel like sharing, I jot my experience down to awaken me how precious my experience is, and the reason for me to must be happy and grateful.

Done. Finally, updated.

Forgot to say Salam maal Hijrah to all muslims. Let`s pray for Jannah. Fia manillah.

Maal Hijrah,

I wish that each New Year

will be better than the last.

May your fondest dreams still alive

and take time to recognize and enjoy

each and every blessing.

08122010

A Love Letter To My Unborn Child

2010-10-01T19:19:00.000-07:00

A Love Letter To My Unborn Child

I write this letter to my unborn child from the depths of my soul.

You've entered my womb and made my life complete and whole.

I never thought I would be chosen for such an awesome task.

It is a greater blessing than what I ever could ask.

I can almost imagine you in my mind.

Beautiful, Happy, Bouncing, flashing a smile so kind.

Feeling you flutter is a sensation like no other.

It does wonders for the joy of this soon-to-be-mother!

You create a glow in me I never knew I would see.

It is true happiness that sets me on cloud nine manifested deep inside of me!

You're my baby, my child, my heart, and my wonder.

I pray we create a bond that no one can put asunder.

You're a designers' original! A creation from the King!

I can hardly wait for you to enter the world and see the joy you bring.

Sweet baby of mine, you're a magnificent gift from above.

Living proof of how your father and I have shared our love.

I hope you have your fathers' eyes

Then you will go into the world able to look at all things wise.

I hope you inherit my ability to plan.

With that you will be able to face all things in life as a strong woman or man.

I hope you receive from your father his selfless ways.

For this the Heavenly Father will bless you, as he did him, all of your days.

I hope you learn from me, spirit and let no one take it.

Believe me you will need it in life, and many will try to break it.

But with that spirit you must have your father's center.

With that you will be cautious of any door you enter.

I want you to have my curiosity.

There's nothing wrong with questions you may blurt!

But receive your fathers' discernment,

so you'll know when to let go before getting hurt.

Have my big heart; know what emotions are and how to be real.

Share your fathers' strength so you can handle what you feel.

Share your father's sense of humor! Laugh a lot it helps you through life.

Share your father's sense of duty. Know how to be serious and take strife.

I'm emotional so I tell you its okay to blubber once and a while like your Mom.

But learn to develop what your father has; an excellent sense of calm.

But most of all the things I wish for your father and I to share.

I wish we teach you to love, respect, strength of mind, and to care.

These are my feelings, wishes and hopes for you.

You make my heart and soul sing!

I welcome you to the world and thank you for the joy,

my little queen or king.

First check-up on first pregnancy

2010-08-19T18:27:00.000-07:00

Recently, I went to clinic to bear out I am really pregnant, for the third time of doing UPT, double red lines appeared rapidly right after I peed on UPT kit and the doctor said the due date maybe on 28th March 2011.

Many people asked me when I am going to have a baby at early of my marriage that sometimes I tried to avoid such a question, now, I tell the truth, I did natural family planning for one year strictly without taking any contraceptives and I stopped it when I went to Japan in the mid of May this year. For us, family planning is very important. As my monthly period is regular, I know there’s something happened to my body system when July menses did not come right after I came back to Malaysia. I was not expected that getting pregnant could be that easy for me. I have every reason of doing family planning beforehand, top of it, because of my health and condition that I had no guts to take risk, a year ago, I was doing my final year in a very stress environment and being miles away from my loved ones with bad health condition that I often fell sick. My Hubby was very worried about me, when I said I wanted to stop family planning because I did not want to procrastinate a wonderful moment of being a mum any longer, my hubby asked me the same question again and again,

“Are you ready dear? I will not be by your side and you will have to face it all alone”. I convinced him by saying,

“ Abang, My heart said no more procrastinating, we never know whether we can produce ones or not, it’s been a year of our marriage, I had finished my degree and I think I would get posted to Selangor (I was not sure where was my first posting at that time)”, at least I will stay close with our families, don’t worry, I can handle it, pray hard dear”.

Before I know I was pregnant, I have been so restless since I have to do everything on my own, even to drive my car everywhere I go, drag big and heavy bags from one place to another place while waiting for a permanent house to rent, sip some Coke and air tebu that I just know such drinks are not good for pregnant woman and baby as well, travel to many places such as Japan, to KK airport, Sabak Bernam all alone. After five weeks of pregnant, the UPT said positive, I limit my active mode; moreover, I started to feel pain at abdominal part which I learn it might be due to “Round ligament pain”.

On last Tuesday, I went to Pusat kesihatan in Kampung Parit Paru, Sabak Bernam to have my first medical-check under government hospital, Alone, and again. I asked PK1 permission as I was told by locals that medical check-up for pregnant women is only available on Wednesday so I have no choice unless to take a short leave during my school, I choose periods of no classes to go out for a while. I dropped by at wrong building that I was so sure it was Klinik Kesihatan as locals said it is near the mosque, the lady in the counter thought it was funny, she smirked and showed me a right direction to Klinik which is actually situated behind the mosque. A red card was made for me, interview, check from head to toe, they took my urine, they took my blood twice and I got fainted and vomited, I felt so weak then they got myself a glass of glucose. They said that my body heat was so hot that I might suffer from fever and I told them that I was okay. They checked my temperature, it was 37C, see, I knew I was not fever.They asked me who accompanied me, when they knew I was there alone, they asked me to take a rest because it is dangerous to drive a car. They wanted to inject me for a third time to put some water as I might be dehydrated or having conjunctiva but I refused. I told her

“ Please akak, saya tanak kena cucuk lagi, sakit”.

I knew I looked so pathetic that they abide by my request. Then, I told a nurse there that I really need some food, I passed a piece of red note to the nurse. She bought some food and brought me to nurse room to have my meal. I could feel that the energy sipped into my body while gobbling up my food. The nurse asked me what was my previous weight before I got pregnant, I said 38kg and now I am 44 kg with the height 163.8 cm, she replied

“Oh, memang asalnye kecik ye”.

I was considered normal as when I pregnant, my weight increased and my BP is normal. Alhamdulillah. The doctor has to wait for me, I was among the earliest patient to come yet I was the last patient to be checked. I told the doctor why I often defecate, she said my fetus may press the intestines and bladder. I received 4 types of pills, all are supplements.

It’s been two-months of pregnancy on the dot since yesterday, I thought I would not have bad symptoms but again, my prediction was wrong. Yesterday, while eating eggs with bread, I vomited. Now, I have to go through the first trimester 'misery' such as abdominal bloating, nausea, morning sickness, vomiting and increased sensitivity to certain odors, fatigue, and swollen breasts.

The only thing that can soothe my misery is by reading this hadith again and again apart from feeding myself with any information regarding pregnancy. Even though it's tough , I will never give up to have more babies in the future.

It is mentioned in another Hadith that Rasulullah (Sallallahu alayhi wasallam) said: "Does it not please you (O Women!) that when you conceive from your husbands while he is pleased with you then that woman will receive such reward equal to that of a fasting person in the path of Allah and spending the night in ibaadat. When her labour pains commence the inhabitants of the earth and the sky are unaware of the stores of comfort that are prepared for her. When she delivers and breast feeds her child then she will be granted a reward for every gulp of milk, and if she had to remain awake during the night for the sake of her child, she will receive the reward of emancipating seventy slaves in the path of Allah. O Salaamat! Do you know who these women are? They are pious, upright, delicately natured but yet are obedient to their husbands and not ungrateful to them."

Come to grips Ani! Move on with life. Stay strong, Redha, tawakal and Grateful! Moga Kaffarah.

20.08.2010

New Kampung house

2010-08-13T21:01:00.000-07:00

As I realize I have a few followers of my blog, I have no heart to stop blogging because I really appreciate those who read my blog as it portrays their concern towards me, I know you care, I haven’t a clue to say thanks to my loyal silent readers out there but all I know, I won’t stop blogging because of you ;). Do I make you feel special my dear readers? Ah-Ha. (^___^)

Okay, I was at full speed for the last two weeks, however, I am so weak owing to pregnancy symptoms that I guess most mama-to-be will face it, why should I feel like I am the only one who suffer from the worst pain ever. I tell you, when you get extremely sick, at times, you have a tendency to forget that there’s someone are worst than you, Nauzubillah. I wish the pain will never impede my movements of doing anything I always do, hey, I was wrong, it really has effects on my daily routines that I force myself to be strong days by days.

I just moved into a new kampung house which was wooden-made with straight lines of wire on the top of walls under the roof that give a way to natural air of kampung. It is impeccably hot at noon and quite chill at nights. We received a text from the owner of the house who had promised to rent a room for us saying that they cannot rent the house, we were frustrated but we knew there must be a solution. By god will, the owner of the house in which I temporarily stayed previously searched for another house for us and finally, we found a kampung house that the condition may not be too good but I think it is good enough for me. It’s a real kampung house and I have to climb up and down the stairs to go to toilet and kitchen. As I have to go to toilet for defecating for several times which was around 1 till 3 a.m in the dark, I get so fatigue till I cry because it feels so painful at my back. No fans in the ceiling so we use portable fan to keep environment less hot in a room which shared with three. It’s only 100 per month per person. At night, big black bugs, with a horn on its head will fly high around my head, mosquitoes bite on the surface of my exposed skin even though we use electrical mosquitoes repellent every night. I know my parents will feel a bit sad looking at my new house that I don’t feel good to show them how my new house looks like. Lately, most of the nights, I run out of steam even to pick up my mobile phone to converse with my hubby, by 9.00 pm, I have to say good night. When I told my hubby about how bad I feel because I really need someone to express my feelings especially when I have my heart in my boots, yes, I desperately need someone who really care about me. He managed to give me some touching words,

Abg mintak maaf sbb takde kat sisi sayang, I know it’s hard for you but u have to be strong..utk syg, baby dan abg..bia baby tau yg mama kuat umpama siti hajar dan ismail di padang pasir, umpama maryam dan isa.sayang..la tahzan ..gudnite..i luv u so much..

By coincidence, I watched Jejak Rasul broadcasting a history of Maryam and Siti Hajar entitled Srikandi. I almost cried, I felt bad, baru sedikit Dia beri padaku, sudah mahu jatuh! Sila Berjiwa Kental lah Ani.

I miss my hubby’s sambal ikan bilis and chicken soup, I miss the time when he comes back home from lab, he will buy some packets of chocolates, boxes of milk and bread for me that I will give him a tight big hug, I miss his kisses, I miss everything about him. I don’t know how long we will not going to meet, most probably till December, I am not sure.

Last week, I paid my duty to manage sukan dalam at dewan and being an MC at Hari Kemuncak Kokurikulum, it was the day I was wearing my songket, I’ve been waiting to wear it at exact time. Ah-Ha. After the event ended, most of male teachers gave two thumbs-up to me, said congratulation and told me that I did a good job. Being a new teacher, I thanked God that I did not reject the responsibility given and took it positively, a burden of my own choice is not felt.

Out of topic above, I would like to wish every muslim and muslimah world wide,

14.07.2010

Frantic? This one Yes!

2010-07-30T21:37:00.000-07:00

“The school has once just about to shut down as only 18 teachers left with hundred students”

This was what said by school’s headmaster at my first day of school. That was how I knew why I got my posting here; it’s owing to the most common problem pertaining to school in Malaysia, a lack of teachers. What makes the school stay functioning till today is because the school has just taken over by kementerian and kementerian provides teachers to the school, new teachers are under kementerian but some of teachers are under JAIS. I asked one of my form four students about the last year PMR result, they told me 6 A’s was the highest, and about half of them chose to go to technical school instead of staying here, now you can imagine the level of proficiency of remaining students. This school is not like my former Maahad Kajang school as I had expected when I first entered the school.

Yesterday, I got a meeting with Ketua Panitia KH as I have to teach Pertanian for Kemahiran hidup, there’s not even one teacher has KH option, it’s surprising to know that the ketua panitia of KH is an Ustaz who teaches Bahasa Arab Tinggi. The school has been observed by Lembaga Peperiksaan because there’s only one option for KH which is Pertanian, as a matter of fact, school must have at least TWO options for Kemahiran Hidup such as ERT (Ekonomi Rumah Tangga), Perdagangan, Pertanian, or KMT. KH teachers’ community are now working hard to add one more option, the school decided to choose perdagangan as another option since there is a perdagangan subject offered for form four and form five. The continuation is a real school concern in choosing the most suitable option for KH.

They informed me that I have to be ready to account for a post as Ketua Panitia KH and I was like what?? They tell me that Ketua Panitia has to deal with Jabatan perikanan if they want to buy some fishes for students’ project, and manage RM11 000 for the projects, and lists goes in! I know, being a Ketua Panitia for KH subject will force me to have an axe to grind with so many people. Knowing that the school has been bombarded by Higher community because of many problems regarding subject KHB, they hint me that I must get ready, this is so scary.During the meeting, out of blue, I broke the silence,

“I have never been exposed to petanian, Should I do some demonstration to the students on how to do this and that, what happens if the catfish jumps out from the pond? What should I do?”

Oh, everyone heard my voice clearly, and yes, I came up with this silly question that made them laugh like a drain! One of them calm me down by saying that I was like him long time ago, he’s a Mathematics teacher but now he’s fully teaching KH and convinced me we are going to work arm in arm. Above board, I am not at home in everything affiliated with agriculture; I was trained specifically to be an English educator at secondary and tertiary level, I am only adept at teaching English and literature. Pertanian has to do with compost, planting herbs trees, playing with worms and soil, breeding fishes, guide students to do their carpentry, hey, I have to study from a scratch, it’s totally like cheese and chalk from my real option. I try so hard to take it positively; to accept it with both hands, and doing both were so challenging, it’s like an acid test of my strength in career development. Alhamdulillah, so far, I am doing fine though deep down, I am extremely worried. Apart from that, KH project for form 1 and form 2 must be evaluated and kept in file at full blast as marks contribute to the grade in PMR. The problem will arise if form 1 and form 2 projects are on the blink as grade cannot be given and collected. The problem is that, I teach three classes of form 2 students and all classes have not done their project yet, now it is almost the end of year. I have to bring them to Bengkel during two periods and there’s only one bengkel that only fits 15 students, each class has about 30 students, do you think it’s easy to control lots of kids in the bengkel while each of their hands holding a hammer, nails, and toying them with their friends? Their safety is at the hands of me! I tell myself to be strict, autocratic kind of teacher though my nature is the other way around; it’s hard, you can ask my little brothers and sister, they will tell you how lenient I am.

I just received papers to be marked and I will have to take in charge for Sukan Dalaman next week. You see, I am on the go all along.

This morning, I bought “Dip n Tell”, I did HCG test, and I am.....

Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. (^_^)

I am at my best to be like all honey and no sting though I am actually on tenterhooks.

Can you please please pray for me.

31.07.2010

Can I call this frantic? No? Oh, okay!

2010-07-26T23:00:00.000-07:00

I don't think we realise just how fast we go until you stop for a minute and realise just how loud and how hectic your life is, and how easily distracted you can get. -Meg Ryan-

Going through hard times is something I should expect and get ready; I must keep my weather-eye open. Recently....

On Friday, my friends and I travelled around Pekan Sg Besar just to get a lawyer’s signature for surat Akaun Sumpah. Some teachers drew a map for me so that I would not lose my way in the small cowboy town. We reached the office of Pesuruhjaya sumpah easily; unfortunately, the lawyer took a holiday so we have to find another lawyer. Coincidently, we stumbled on a signboard which written Magistrate court at the side of the main junction in Pekan Sg. Besar, then, we just followed the signboard till we passed by Pusat kesihatan, Pejabat Daerah, that was how I realized that all the government buildings congregated at one place. We stranded in the traffic jam and lost our way that we could not make U-turn because it’s one-way road, soon after we got into the magistrate office, the people in the counter told us that signing surat akuan sumpah will only available on Tuesday and Thursday. What a day! We were a bit disappointed and tired as the Pekan is situated about 25 minutes from our school and we right away went to Pekan after we finished our school without taking a rest. Perhaps, it is fated that it was the day of getting familiar with the place we are living in. We got home tiredly and planned to go to Magistrate again today.

Last week, we looking for a rent house in the region of Sabak Bernam, the first house we surveyed was so terrible, lots of holes all over the wooden wall with rusty zinc roof and dirty toilet which is worst then chicken coop, there’s no fan, just imagine how are we going to survive living there in scorching days.We rejected this house, then, I rounded at a number of residential areas in pekan at low speed, there’s house that looks quite fine, and it’s in good condition with the rent of RM350 per month, the cheapest price we got after drove a hard bargain. Most of the dwellers in the house area are Indians and got many wild dogs wandering about, my friends are so afraid of dogs, plus, it takes 25 about minutes from a school, if one of us wakes up late in the morning, we will arrive school a bit late, we made it a clear reason to reject this one. We finally found a house with seven rooms in second floor, the owner of the house lives in the ground floor, and one room is rented with the price RM120 per month including the bills. The house seemed comfortable; it takes only five minutes from our school so we decided to rent this house. However, we can only start moving into this house at the early of fasting month. I am becoming bashful to stay in the recent house any longer, there is a mentally handicapped girl stays together with us, she’s lovely, keeps smiling every second, and she has a very low IQ that she is not able to think like normal at times. There’s also a man who has the same problem like that girl, both are close to each other, he likes to shake hands with me but I could not resist it as I am too afraid if he becomes angry and do something bad towards me, my friends told me that he always mentions my name though I never tell him my name. Haha. That is so cute yet scary!

I am a driver of 3 good friends, they agree to pay RM 15 every month, we are now best friends as we will get through everything together which lessens my wretchedness of being miles away from my hubby.

I missed my period and it’s been almost two weeks late, still got a menstrual pain symptom anyway. I am waiting for my July’s menses but it’s already the end of July month, weird. I don’t want to think much about it but I can feel that my body system goes wrong, is it because I am stressed or something has grown in my womb. Woops! Please do not make any assumption yet, all right? Have to do a check-up if I miss next month period. I am in a bundle of nerves.

26.07.2010

Hectic days (-_-')

2010-07-21T22:56:00.000-07:00

A continual atmosphere of hectic passion is very trying if you haven't got any of your own.
Dorothy L. Sayers

Recently, when I was extremely worn-out right after arriving school with cram-full of bags and luggage piled up disorderly in my car, a scorching climate during journey to Sabak Bernam, no abode to hang about temporarily, I was really in a very hard situation, in all of sudden JPS telephoned me. They asked me to instantly go back to JPS situated in Shah Alam which is far away. As it has passed 12.00 noon, plus I really dead beat, I said, I am sorry that I could not make it because it is possible to reach Shah Alam within office hour. The clerk said I must still go, I pissed off but I tried so hard to not utter harsh words or raise my voice, I forced her to be considerate towards my situation. She held on the phone for awhile to ask her boss permission, and then she told me that there’s nothing she could do as the boss still wanted me to come there right at that moment, as soon as possible. She passed his boss’ phone number so that I could deal with him by myself. When I called him, spoke as soft as I ever did, he instantly got round the bend that he raised his voice, telling me that I must come and with half-screaming he said “Kenapa tak tengok betul-betul!”.

I told him that I really could not make it and told him my problems of having no home, just arrived there, it was possible that I could not reach JPS within office hour, if he permits, I will come by tomorrow. Fortunately, the school gave me one day holiday to deal with the problem.

It was my fault that I did not sign the survey paper, but my name, IC number, the name of school and everything was completed, I tell you the truth, the form looked not that important, It’s about rating the speech of every slot during taklimat, just a piece of photocopy paper with blurring words. It is just a survey that my parents said it is not important that it will never have an effect on any imperative affairs; even the clerk can just sign it for me. My mother asked me for his phone number to deal with him, but I gave a polite rebuff to her intention because I am afraid if my parents get involved, it will make things worse, small matter should not be a big deal, I want to confront my own problem as long as I can.

On the way to Shah Alam, I dropped by Kuala Selangor to get a receipt of KWSP slip, Oh, nobody was there, so only a few minutes spent at there.

Yesterday night, I burnt the midnight oil to prepare a test paper for form four till I had no time to have a conversation with my hubby, Hey, we will not going to meet up for a couple of months till the end of this year, the feeling of sinful struck me, Thank god; he’s always being an understanding husband! That was only one of millions sacrifices we have made. We always try our best to stay strong no matter what happens.

Now, I am still hunting for a rent house, for the time being, a generous kind of old spouses who live with their son who’s suffering of mental illness but never disturbs anyone by keeping with himself to himself all the time willing to let me stay in their house till I found a permanent one.

I just received my buku rekod pengajaran and the PK1 wanted me to teach Kemahiran hidup, modul Pertanian! Oh my god, I never expect to teach this alien subject. I also have to teach English, 3 classes of form four students, that’s my real option so I wish I only have to teach English subject but well, it is very common to teach subject that is not related to your option at all if there’s no teachers for any particular subject.

Next week, I’ll get a timetable and will be start teaching. I have to go back home this weekend to take important documents needed.

What a hectic days!

22.07.2010

I am back and I am going to present my service to school

2010-07-19T11:01:00.000-07:00

I was safely arrived Malaysia on last Wednesday but I have been so busy spending quality times with my family. I have two families, yes, two dads and two mommies and my husband is not here so I have to find times being with them on behalf of him, that’s all I can do as he is not able to look after their parents, I know, his parents miss him so much, he’s an apple of their eyes, the only son they have and I am the only daughter-in-law. As usual, they show their appreciation every time I visit them. Today, I got kain ela from my mother-in-law.

Oh, I always get expensive and beautiful cloth for baju kurung from my loved ones, as a result, I refuse to buy any.

I am suffering from backache due to heavy backpack and also for long hours on a plane from Kansai to KL and transited to Kota Kinabalu. I took a rest for the whole day on Thursday. On Friday, I went to JPS to get to know when and where I would be posted. Knowing I got Sabak Bernam and I have never been there, therefore, my parents brought me there on Saturday to have a quick survey. On Sunday, we had a great time of cooking and eating together. My times were actually filled with unplanned goings-on.

Today, I went through a Taklimat which is compulsory for new teachers in JPS from 8.00 to almost 2.00 pm. Tired of listening and sitting but the breakfast made my day, free nasi lemak, it was a brunch anyway. There were about 170 graduated teachers have been posted to Selangor, quite a lot but still not cater enough for the need of teachers in all schools in Selangor, 150 got Sekolah Harian, if I am not mistaken, 10 got Pendidikan Khas and 7 got Sekolah Agama, I am not sure whether Sekolah agama or pendidikan khas has got 10 or 7 teachers. I am in minority group, I don't mind by the way.

My first posting is SMA Parit Baru, Sabak Bernam, about 2 hours from Klang if you drive not more than 80 kmph, the road has no toll, I'll become thriftier later on! I got new same-age-friends, Selangorians, two TESLian from the same programme like mine and one Physic teacher. They are all single, that makes me feel a bit old being a married lady among them. One thing I like the most about Taklimat was to know how much I will get for my monthly salary. Tell me, who doesn’t like it! Nevertheless, I will not open my mouth too wide if I feel I am not qualified for high pay. Great oaks from little acorns grow, yes; big things often have humble beginnings.

Tomorrow, I am going to register to school as asked by its headmaster as we finished taklimat a bit late and school finishes on 2.00 pm. Based on taklimat, first things first, we have to register by right today, however, the headmaster has been so considerate that he opened the floodgates to us to appear tomorrow. I think Taklimat should be open-and-shut case. Oh, Am I too demanding? Sorry.

I have mixed feelings about tomorrow.

Wish me luck.

17.07.2010

Uradome and Shibukawa

2010-07-12T09:45:00.000-07:00

Recently, I went to Uradome Beach which is situated in Iwami Town, east of Tottori City for camping. The camping was actually a yearly activity held by Malaysian Community of Okayama, Japan. I was like kind of weird since I am a new comer who came here just for a long break; my presence is not that important to the club and contributing to nothing. Meeting new people has always been difficult to me, I always insist on extended times to cope with something new. (-_-')

My hubby bought three tents for the community via online shopping and one lantern to provide light for BBQ at night, not using his money, Okayama club fees instead. My tent mate was not my husband but a nice married lady who is so friendly; it was nice chatting with her, it felt like we had long known each other. Okay, the weather was quite bad, I mean not suitable for camping activity; it’s raining all day long. My tent was leaky, the rain seeped into the tent, and it’s a cheap tent anyway, so you can guess the quality of its material was not up to standard of expensive ones. My hubby put double layers of blue tarps above the tent so that rains would not drip in, he did it while I was having sea-bathing with girls, when I came back to camping side with wet cloth, with a big smirk swollen with pride, he said “Look what have I done to your tent, it looks damn good”. I went through the night with deep sleep without insect repellent covering an inch of my body. Guys were watching world cup at my hubby’s car at that time.

After Solat Subuh

Though it’s raining, I did not want to leap the chance to have sea-bathing at Uradome beach as I might not be there again. It was freaking cold, the rain clouds painted the sky, the beach looked a bit murky, hid the sunshine. Would you believe me if I say beach will not look that beautiful if it is raining, it turns out to be gloomy and frightening, but it looks heavenly stunning when sun is shining bright, try to walk at the seashore when it is raining, you will believe me then. I took a swimming float with some girls and enjoyed the ride on the waves using float to keep buoying us up. Every time waves hit us, we would go up right away and go down following the rhythm of the waves. A few activities could not be carried out since the weather was not good.

For me, the best part of the camping was BBQ night, when it comes to food; it would be the best part of all because nobody would skip the moment of dining together, it was food that made us get together. I just love BBQ!

The last activity was when we were on the way back home; we dropped by a nice spot for sea-bathing again.We had to climb a flight of steps which cut through steep mountains for about twenty minutes before we reached the coastline, the coastline is crescent shaped and has nice fine soft sand and crystal clear water that I could see through a bird’s eye view from a few stopovers. The stopovers were located in the region of the top of the mountain; from there I could see the coastline at the foot of the mountain. Every time I reached at stopovers, it egged me on to proceed my trekking across the hill. It was quite tiresome but when I finally felt my skin met an ocean breezes, the feeling of tired seemed to fade away. When I slowly walked into the water, I could see some sides of the beach are a few rock islets where a number of types of small fish like to hide out.

Sea-bathing at Uradome Island

I did snorkeling to view the beauty of undersea; it was so exhilarating that I felt like did not want to go back to earth! Colorful seaweed painted the ocean floor that numerous species of fish darted in and out. The underfoot seaweed could be seen obviously. Layered rock jutted out of the ocean at a sharp angle creating numerous small islands and cliffs behind.

Afterward, we drove back home and ready to drop!

The next few days, my husband and I departed to Shibukawa, at about 15-20 minutes from our home. We had our lunch there, only white rice and Sambal Ikan bilis, but we did not care much about the meal as our real aim was to have a sea-bathing there. The beach has brownish sands, not as soft as Urodome’s and lush-green pine trees were seen everywhere at the shores.

Wetting

The beach offers all the services visitors want, nevertheless, none of them are free. Swimming floats can be rented and available. Parking next to the beach is quite expensive, but not crowded; it’s good to go to nice places without cram-full of people, feel more privacy, right? (^_^). Some people were enjoying marine sports; we only enjoyed watching them because we were penny-pinching even to rent the floats. We have to tighten our belt as our money were rather limited, it’s running out!

After sea-bathing at Shibukawa

I enjoyed the time of my life here; I do believe that sea-bathing gives the essence of relaxation and have curative or therapeutic value. This was such a getaway before I am going to leave for a jet plane back to Malaysia on this Wednesday and gear up for a new work, a new environment, new people, new spirit, yes, with everything new. It’s kind of scary thinking about it, get into a new place and spend years there has always been my nightmare!

.Alhamdulillah.

13.07.2010

Dilemma

2010-07-09T00:50:00.000-07:00

Somewhere in the world there is an epigram for every dilemma by Hendrik Willem Van Loon

Latterly, I am in the hot seats thinking about my life with my other half is not yet settling down whereby more or less, it slightly impinges on our future planning. I used all my forces to be grateful. We reckon with hard times that really tense us up. Though, I crystal-clear realize that starting a new life is absolutely emotionally and physically draining that I should be mentally-prepared earlier, I fail to not be in the doldrums, well, I have been in out of spirits ever since we were married and distance kept us apart. No matter what happens, I still keep moving on, that’s a fact of life though moving is one of the hardest things I will ever do when I am under pressure and yes, moving into a new life is even tougher, totally not a plain sailing. To be optimist, I should say it would be exciting to get into a new life, why don’t I let the chips fall where they may, and stop grumbling all the time. Everybody may have experience the same thing, but why do they look okay, I look miserable instead! It’s not a good sign so I need to undergo retrospection session and start to count myriad of blessings……

Now, in order to teach myself to get rid of ungrateful feeling, it's a good idea to point out the things God made them come true that I should be thankful.

Recently, my application to be posted to any school around Selangor was well accepted. Another good news, getting a place in SMKA is like a bonus to me. I received the information a bit late than my colleagues as my school in under different department, meaning to say, it has its own department to manage new teachers settlement who are working under SABK (Sekolah Agama Bantuan Kerajaan) and SMKA (Sekolah Menengah Kebangsaan Agama), that was the main reason why my name is not included in Jabatan Pendidikan Selangor because the management is not done under one roof, staff there told me that. It bothered me a bit though, moved me into curiosity so I called the person in charge a couple of times, and he convinced me that I really got Selangor though my name was not included in the list of new teachers of Jabatan Pendidikan Negeri Selangor.

Be grateful Ani!

Lately, my hubby was offered by his lecturer to further his master’s degree under his supervision, that means he already got a place for his master; however, he needs scholarship so he has to put an extra effort to get a scholarship for the fees. At the same time, he was offered a position as an engineer in Malaysia but he had to refuse the job as the company is located in Kedah. Of course, if he comes back to Malaysia, we do not want to be separated anymore. Furthermore, there are other companies around Selangor and KL offering the same jobs. My other half has actually attained a place in the sun and his prospect look good, Alhamdulillah, and yes, the same goes to me.

Be grateful Ani!

Now we are wrestling with dilemma, if my husband furthers his study, it means that we will not be staying together for two more years which is really hard for us to grapple with long-distance relationship. I was thinking to follow him to reside in Japan but it is just a pipe dream as I have contract! And I am not established as a teacher yet to get ‘Holiday without salary”. We pine for kids, we want to have our own home regardless how big or small it is, we want to feel what home is like, and we know we have to settle down first. We are still weighing pro cons of our forecast before coming up with final decision and sticking it out. He frequently says to me, be grateful as half a loaf is better than none. Man proposes, God disposes- our destiny depends on God’s will.

Be grateful Ani!

P/s : I need to repeat "be grateful Ani" again and again to motivate me, so ignore it in case it seems to be irritating an annoying while you are reading this post. All right?

09.07.2010

~~ White Silk ~~

Shattered my last hope

Ayla is in the process of getting well! It’s been a week already.

Happy 25th Birthday Darling! ;)

No more going ape!

Syawal 2011

Go ape.

The whole family got a fever.

Reminiscence of first pregnancy: Ayla.

Smile

Dreams

A handful of love to you.

Happy 2nd Anniversary Abang! (^^,)

My sunshine (^-^)

It’s a first day of 2011! I think I call for some resolutions.

Shopping at Nishimatsuyo (^^,)

End of 2010. Good.

A Love Letter To My Unborn Child

First check-up on first pregnancy

New Kampung house

Frantic? This one Yes!

Can I call this frantic? No? Oh, okay!

Hectic days (-_-')

I am back and I am going to present my service to school

Uradome and Shibukawa

Dilemma

Somewhere in the world there is an epigram for every dilemma by Hendrik Willem Van Loon

White Silk