A Very Good Blog

10 Signs That I Like You

2014-06-10T17:02:00.000+01:00

I was reading my usual female and male authored blogs whilst researching how to tell if someone has taken an interest in you. This is usually during the dating stage where you don't want to come across too keen but at the same time you don't want to look like you're not interested either. I found myself thinking that I didn't do any of the signs that they were suggesting. Things like playing with your hair, giggling a lot (maybe I do that one) and a thing called the "boob bounce" what? So I thought to myself "what do I do when I'm dating a guy and I like them?" I realised that my signs and gestures solidified that I really am wonderfully weird.

1. I make an effort when I'm seeing you
Anyone and everyone that knows me knows that my make up is reserved for special occasions only. This also applies to keeping my legs silky smooth. I know I'm not the only one out here who sports hairy legs when its winter and there aren't any love interests! Stop it! So if you are dating me and notice that I got that flawless face on, Johnson & Johnson's baby-smooth-skin-looking-like-butter-milk every time I see you; I like you because normally, shoot, ain't nobody got time for that!

2. I make fun of you
Some people give compliments, others do the thigh/arm stroke but me? No, no, no, I tease you. I know it's childish but I can't help it. If I like you, I am going to make fun of you. It's my way of finding out if you take yourself seriously or if you're able to laugh at yourself. If you never reciprocate however it's probably not going to work because it won't be you, it's me. I like banter but I hate the word. Eurgh!

3. I make time for you
Did a SWOT analysis on myself and came to realise that one of my weaknesses is that I'm lazy. I like being in my comfort zone. I like being at home. I enjoy my own company doing nada! If I am giving up catching up on my TV shows by choosing to go out and spending time with you, get in there son! Therefore if you ask me out on a date and I agree to go out with you on more than one occasion, I might actually like you because unlike other girls who go out with guys because they're bored or for a free meal, I go home to have a good time. I love my sofa and there's no place like home!

4. I speak to you on the phone
Nowadays people don't really talk on the phone which is why I am always wondering why I pay so much for my unlimited minutes when I don't even talk to anyone. I get startled when people call me, worried even because I'm so used to texting. I normally talk on the phone when I'm on my way home and in need of company because I won't be in the mood to listen to music. If you call me while I'm at home and I have a conversation with you that lasts longer than 10 minutes or don't ignore your call because I cant be bothered to talk, well you just hit the jackpot.

5. I blog about you
Ok, this is going to make sound like a stalker isn't it? Let me explain. When you like someone you can't stop talking about them right? So, in order to save my girlfriends the ear ache I would rather write about them. What do you think "Men Ain't That Bad" was about?

6. I google the things you like
When I'm dating someone I will research the stuff you like so I can get to know what you like better.

7. I share my food with you
If you're a foodie you'll understand. You know when you go out and someone asks what you're having. Then they say they'll get the other thing so you can both share... *blank stare* I don't do that. I would rather buy you the same thing so you can have your portion of the food before I share my food with you. If you want to share my food then let me know before I order so that I can order a large or two portions because you'll be cutting into my portion. So if you find that I am sharing my food with you, even offering a taste I must like you because that doesn't happen. No. Get your own.

8. I lose my appetite around you
Them damn butterflies just don't know when to behave do they? Now, I'm sitting there looking like a damn salad girl because I just lost my appetite. I'm looking at my food and thinking I want to eat you so bad but I can't. The food literally won't go down. Not only do I look like one of those girls who don't eat on dates, I'm wasting food and money. *sigh*

9. Ego stroke
So, you say you like burping the alphabet. I'm going to ask you to burp the alphabet for me and when you're finished tell you that you are so good and we should get you in the book of Guinness World Records because you're so good at that and I have never heard anything that sounds so amazing. It's not just women that like compliments, I've been paying attention, see.

10. It ain't tricking if you got it
I have tried to change this about me and think like how other women think but I can't. Take me as I am. I believe in equality. I do not go around screaming men should pay for dates, I want to be wooed by being taken to the Shard yada yada yada and then turn around and say we want equality! You're a hypocrite. I do not place different rules for when it suits me therefore if I like a guy I will ask him out on a date (not the first date though, I don't like rejection) but after the first date and I can see that we are getting on well; the calls and texts are coming, I'm still losing my appetite around you and I just finished blogging about you I'm going to ask you out. What's the big freaking deal?! You're gonna have to start spending on him at some point anyway!

Today Choose To Be Happy

2014-06-02T12:43:00.004+01:00

Change comes from within. You cannot twist someone’s arm and force them to change even if it is for their benefit.

Change only comes when we feel we have hit rock bottom, a solid wall or dug ourselves in a hole so deep we no longer know how to get out.

Change only comes when one wants to be better not when you want them to.

No one ever said life was fair. No one has even tried to make it seem like it was easy.

Life is the way it is because we cannot control people’s actions.

We are not responsible for what they do; we are only responsible for how we react to that.

People are selfish and will always do what’s good for them; you in turn need to do what’s good for you when dealt a new card

Scolding, shouting, anger and bitterness cannot undo what’s been done; it is merely an outlet for how you feel

Watch your words; once they are spoken they cannot be taken back

Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional

People will hurt you, that’s a given but you have to be the phoenix and rise above it.

You are only responsible for what YOU do.

So in every action, every decision, every emotion, every word you utter you are in control and responsible for that

You are responsible for your own happiness, your own sorrow or misery.

So when it feels like you can’t go on and it feels like the world is against you; look in the mirror, smile and make a decision to be happy.

You know why?

Because no situation lasts forever.

And most importantly you’re worth it.

Single Woman's Wishlist

2014-05-30T16:57:00.000+01:00

“Let me tell you why I love him; cos he is the truth. He is so real; and I love the way he makes me feel…”

I am going to unleash my wishful thinking on you today. My list. THE list as my friends call it when we all know that when you meet that man, that dude that makes your palms sweaty, pupils dilate and something twitch between your legs the list goes out the window. In the meantime until he comes my way I am going to dream about this perfect man; this specimen that God took His time to shape and mould.

I’m going to call this list: SINGLE WOMAN'S WISH LIST

1. Honesty
Once you been lied to, girl you can’t date another liar. For me honesty comes very easily because I like to think that I have a reason for my actions therefore I am able to explain myself. How you receive that, well that’s up to you but I am honest-ish. So I would like a man who is the same. Of course people lie, but I am talking about the lies that make you sit there, cross your arms and just think,

“Ah! But why would you like about that?”

The truth will set you free so future husband if you are reading this, this is a make or break!

2. Not into fashion
This might sound silly to most but have you seen the men’s fashion lately? I am not walking down the street with a Kanye West wanna-be dude in a skirt or dress. I don’t care what you metrosexuals call them but they are dresses. I like my men rough and rugged. Don’t be wearing a skirt around me. Also, if I have a fashion conscious man there is no way he will be able to walk with me because I am most comfortable when I am wearing jeans and trainers and they don’t have to be Jordan’s! Imagine getting ready to go out and your man tells you what you’re wearing is last season. Well, my nig- how do you what last season’s collection looks like? Uh-uh. Not around here!

Call it whatever you like; that's a skirt

3. Good heart/Kind
Is there anything sexier than a kind man? One who will give his coffee to the homeless guy sitting outside Costa or maybe even give away his take away because he knows he can buy another meal. This is one of my weaknesses, a kind act goes a long way. If someone is willing to go out of their way for someone who will do nothing for them; imagine what they will do for you?

4. Optimist/Supportive
Debby downers need not apply! I am cynical as it is so being with someone like me is a plane crash waiting to happen. Of course there are times where its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel but if neither of you are optimistic then that tunnel will be dark as hell. As much as I am a cynic I try to always be optimistic. I want to see the good in people, things and situations. A pessimist will just be a constant shadow over my dreams and hopes. Bye Felicia!

5. Be taller than me
Is this a want or need? The jury is still out. I love wearing trainers, pumps, boots; any sort of flat comfortable shoe i can stick my foot in but every now and then a girl wants to feel pretty and exercise her calf muscles in 4 inch heels without looking down at her man! I want to wear heels so high but still look up at my boo. There is a sense of comfort and protection when a man is towering over you. If a bullet was going to be shot toward you it would hit him first because you’ll be all the way down there. Awwww!

6. Ambitious
I like dreamers. I like believers even more. I like doers best! A dream is a wish without putting any work in and there is nothing more annoying than a guy who has bigger dreams than I do (trust me, mine are big!) and when you ask him what he’s doing to make those dreams come true he comes out with a string of excuses. You sit on your desk every Monday through to Friday for 35 hours and all you do is dream your life away. You haven’t done the necessary research, you don’t even know how to start and are not making any movements to finding out; you are just wishing upon a star. Being rich is an ambition most people have and there is enough money to go round, what are you doing to get a piece of that pie?

7. Intelligent
A friend once called me a sapiosexual because nothing gets my panties wet quicker than an intelligent man. A man who has presence, who knows what he’s talking about but is not a show off or thinks is above anyone. He is humble but stands his ground. Sign me up! This might be because I have very low tolerance level for stupidity and bad grammar (yes, I’m a grammar Nazi!) I understand that common sense is not common and I will be the first to admit that I have some blonde moments but man who is more intelligent than I am and challenges me is the sexiest thing since a man with sleeve tattoos and a beard!

8. Funny
Let me clarify that when I say I want someone that is funny I am not expecting Kevin Hart or Chris Rock. I need someone with a sense of humour. Life is too short, laugh dammit! I need someone who will mirror my silly humour, who is not afraid to laugh at themselves; (I am starting to feel like I am filling out an online dating profile) I am going to make fun of you, that’s a fact therefore I need the reassurance that you’re not going to catch feelings and that you can give as much as you can get. When all is said and done and your pee-pee can’t stand up anymore without a blue pill we still need to have laughter between us.

9. Not have kids
This has now become borderline. I actually woke up one morning and didn’t mind baby daddies. It’s the strangest thing! The reason why this made the list is because everyone that knows me knows I’m not the most child friendly person. I will love your child from a distance. There have been a few kids that have been forced on me; my brother, friends’ kids, cousins, I did not have a choice in the matter. If I am going to be with someone who has a child (preferably one not a nursery!) he has to be pretty damn special and amazing I tell ya. My beliefs when it comes to step-parenting are that if I am going to be with a man who has a child I have to love his child like my own and since I am not sure that I am capable of that I would rather not get myself in that situation to begin with. Besides, baby mama drama; I’m not about that life.

10. Attractive
Attraction doesn’t mean that he is going to be on the cover of Men’s Health although looking like that sincerely helps. I want a man that is attractive to me. I do not care if he looks like Mike Tyson or Seal as long as I see Idris Elba when I look at him that’s all that matters. The world does not need to find him attractive, I just need to look at him and feel like jumping his bones because without sexual attraction you can’t get the kitty wet. Without the kitty being wet… well maybe you can make me laugh and then we can forget about knocking boots!

Extras

Share the same religious views
Good credit and be good with money
Doesn't need validation from socia media (who cares how many followers or likes you get? I mean, really!)
Have tattoos
Have a driver's licence
Have a body like a Greek god
Likes eating out *wink wink* (is this an extra or an essential requirement?)

Eight things I learnt about myself in 2013

2013-12-14T21:08:00.000+00:00

Eight things I learnt about myself in 2013

I was never one of those people to say that “this year is my year” I usually give those people a blank stare because who are you trying to convince? 2012 was an amazing year for me and I knew that 2013 was not going to be better and it hasn't. But 2013 has been good to me because instead of having fun like I did in 2012; it is the year I have learnt the most about myself. I left my job and started my own company which takes me to the most important lesson for this year:

1. Fear truly is False Evidence Appearing Real

For years I was crippled with fear of failing that I could not leave my comfortable job and salary to start my own business. I enjoy the luxuries of life, travelling eating in fancy restaurants, buying whatever I want whenever I want. I enjoyed that life but I hated working for someone else. For every hour I put in at work they got thousands and I peanuts; it wasn't fair. So I looked into my Daddy handbook where he used to ask me if the people at the top ate magic portions for dinner or shit glitter and no, their shit stinks just as much as mine does so if they can do it I can do it too! So I handed in my notice and became unemployed while preparing for my launch.

2. We are growing up
I can hear you saying “well, duh!” you’d think turning 25 last year would have been a hint but no, in my mind I was forever young. The fact that we are growing up hit me when my sister from another mister got married on New Year’s Eve. Whilst making the wedding preparations, flying half way across the world for the wedding I was still OK until I saw her making those vows. Wow, she was really going to be somebody’s wife. Left right and centre people were getting engaged and married; having kids and moving in together. Are we there already? Are we at that age where we are making life time commitments? I didn't panic as I expected of myself, I embraced it. We are growing up. They call me ma’am now. Gosh.

3. Heart break doesn't last forever
Whether it takes you a week, month, year or a few years you will get over it. There is light at the end of the tunnel. It will sting and it will hurt like crazy but that pain is temporary. I now agree with the saying that it is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all because the love I had was worth it. It wasn't worth the pain, no no; but loving someone was and is still one of the greatest gifts you can give.

4. I want to get married
I know, shocked me too! The problem with marriage and the reason why I don’t think I will get married is because I am very sceptical at the fact that I will meet someone who shares the same values as I; that when we get into it we are in it for life. Divorce is not an option so we will try and keep each other happy, do right by each other no ifs or buts. It seems easy to find but if that was true why are so many relationships breaking down? Let’s look at the facts; 40% of marriages are failing and I will rather be in the % that doesn't get married instead of being divorced. If or when you hear that I am getting married believe that man would have done some ju-ju or be a monster between the sheets! I kid, I kid! He has to be an amazing man and they are a rare breed.

5. Travelling is never a waste of money
I seldom go shopping. To be honest I only shop out of necessity; for me spending money on fancy clothes, shoes or bags is a waste of money. I would rather put that money in a plane ticket. If I invested the money I spent on travelling on shopping I would have a few pairs on red bottoms but every time I looked at them I would see where I could have potentially gone. Learning about other people’s cultures, eating their food, seeing the greatest wonders of the world and changing your scenery even if it’s for one day is more valuable to your soul than any material possession. The joy I felt in my heart standing in front of the Mona Lisa or the statue of David, forgetting my fear of heights as I climbed up the Leaning Tower of Pisa; the sense of freedom in walking down the well-lit cobbled streets of Florence eating a gelato.

6. I cannot do “grey areas”

I got a bit excited and even wrote about this because I wanted the grey area. I did not want a relationship and I didn't want FWB either, I wanted the in between; the grey area and I got it. Great right? No, I went and caught feelings. I denied them away until I couldn't. I should have known because I am so prone to catching feelings that it was bound to happen especially if the person in question is lovely and charismatic and all that crap. So, here I am with my tail in between my legs putting it on record that I cannot handle grey areas or FWB because I'm sure I’ll catch feelings there too! I’ll stick with what I know and what I'm comfortable with.

7. I work voluntarily for the parking police
Where I live I have to parallel park and after 10 pm there is hardly any parking left. I have cancelled plans because I did not want to come back and find my parking space gone. But what really grinds my gears is when there is little to no parking and you have one dickhead who has parked his car in between two spaces. Wtf is your problem? I have written a few notes, yes I have and those who have received these kind hearted notes have learnt how to park properly but every now and then I see a car presumably a visitor because it will be unfamiliar and they have left a good metre of space at the front and behind them only a Smart car can fit and I don’t drive a smart car! So now I have to waste my time and fuel; which is not cheap by the way, circling the roads looking for a parking space because of your selfish ass! *breathe*

8. Your past doesn't define who you are
Seems a bit obvious but the reality is that we judge people so much based on what they have done in the past. I got served a full platter of this and had no choice but to get to know people as individuals instead of writing them off based on what they have done because let’s face it; none of us are perfect or even close to. The most important thing is that if you were wrong you accept that you were wrong and try and become a better person. Who are we to judge?

Let's see what awaits us in 2014. More weddings (not me), babies (not mine) and hopefully happiness (definitely me!)

10 Things I Have Learnt About Men

2013-10-24T23:25:00.001+01:00

Few little lessons I learnt about the opposite sex. I am no expert on men, believe me and I have spent countless minutes (I refuse to say hours) giving my male friends the Spanish inquisition on their thought process because I just don’t get them. Of all the men I asked anything they all told me that men were simple. No they aren't. They say one thing but mean another; that hardly qualifies as simple. At least with us ladies we know ourselves, we understand that what we liked yesterday is not what we like today. We also know that our moods change at the drop of a hat for no reason at all; understanding that is what I call SIMPLICITY.

1. If a man wants you he will let you know
If you forget anything and everything I am going to write remember this: if a man wants you he will chase you. Men hardly ever play hard to get. I would have said never but there’s always an exception to the rule. Men are born hunters; they hunt for their “prey.” When have you ever seen a zebra chasing after the leopard saying “eat me, eat me?” That’s what some of you ladies are saying and not in the other sense *wink wink*. If you want to see if a guy wants you, sit back, relax and wait.You don’t even need to ask him where this is going, what you are because if he wants you to be his woman, he would let you know. If you want to wait until you get grey hairs and cob webs then shoot, do you boo but if he’s not calling it’s probably because he doesn't want to.

2. When he says “he’s not looking for a relationship right now”

He means it. No ifs or buts. He means it. This can mean two things however. When a guy says that he’s not looking for a relationship it either means he’s genuinely not looking for a relationship or he’s not looking for a relationship with you. Either way there is nothing you can do to change his mind because he doesn't want to be with you.

“But if I keep giving him some…”

“Or if I cook, clean, massage and put it on him good he will change his mind”

No girl, he won’t. Of course there are exceptions to the rule but you cannot change his mind for him because you have already shown him who you are and he still don’t want to cuff you so sex will certainly not do it. He will feed you hope though and it’s up to you to spit or swallow.

3. Women control sex, men control relationships

I hate this. Life shouldn't be about who controls what but this is true. Women are notoriously known for holding sex ransom in order to “control” a man. A woman determines when they have sex, if she’s upset them legs are staying closed, some even use it to manipulate. Unfortunately men get their leverage from knowing this and play her game with her to get what they want. Men know that women have some kind of comfort from being in a relationship thus holding the title hostage. As long as a man keeps dangling the carrot in front of a blind woman, taking her out, acting a little jealous and possessive because women love that shit she will continue to lose leverage as she parts her thighs for his delight. Some Girls think that sex will get him to commit and men think that feeding her hope will ensure his supply is not going to get cut off. Sooner or later one party is going to get fed up and that’s when I grab my popcorn and watch.

. Men have feelings too

Sounds silly right but growing up I honestly thought that men didn't have feelings. They never showed them. My brother never cried all he did was tease me about crying. I never saw a man depict emotion until I was in my teen and Kano released “Boys love girls” and in one of the lyrics he has “he has feelings.” This was my eureka moment. I was like *gasp* men have feelings? So why do they act so dickheadish? Because they are men, they have been programmed to think that emotions make them weak but “apparently” they have feelings too, they might not cry or scream (well some do) but they feel stuff we do.

Men are experts at feeding women hope

If hope was the Red Cross we would have eradicated poverty by now because men give it out like dollar bills at a titty bar. I understand why men feed women hope because honestly if men were honest that they only wanted to have sex with us their supply would get cut off so quickly if you blink you’d have missed it. So instead they say things like:

“I just need to do this first then we can make it official.”

“Not right now but as soon as…”

“I'm just staying for the kids as soon as they turn 18 I'm leaving her”

“I really want to be with you it’s just…”

Just what? If a man wants to be with you there will be no excuses. He will make himself ready because he doesn't want another man to snatch you up while he sorts this and that out.

6. You cannot escape the box he has put you in

This kind of relates to Number 3, I think ultimately we all have this right to establish and put people in the boxes we want to put them in. Women we are infamous for putting men in the friend-zone but guys do this too. If a man sees you as a “friend” “link” "jump off" “side chick” “girlfriend” “wife” it is harder to escape that box than it is to escape Guatemala prison. A man who has been put in the friend-zone sees you as something else will wait until the right time to make his move. He will never be content being “just friends.” Similarly if a man sees you as pussy upgrading yourself to girlfriend or wife position will be something you need to write a book about because I'm sure there are a lot of women who would want to know how you managed that. Getting pregnant doesn't work either; all you will become is his baby momma that he can get sex from whenever he wants. Keep in mind that because men are hope givers they might upgrade you to girlfriend status because they want to keep their supply of regular sex but that’s where it ends.

7. Not all men cheat

A man is as faithful as his options. He can stop chasing other women. I have love and respect for the small percentage of men that does choose to be faithful because I understand that it takes a lot of discipline. For women it’s easier because when we absolutely love and are happy with a man we will say no to any advances and not think twice about it. A man will sleep with another woman at the drop of a hat but this is not to say that he doesn't love his woman. Sex and love are two completely unrelated things. So for those men that choose to fidelity for whatever reason you give women hope.

8. Just because he sleeps around doesn't mean he doesn't love you

You are not supposed to find out, first of all and the heart and the penis are two separate beings. I do not doubt a man’s love when he cheats on his spouse but I do question his integrity and respect for this woman he claims to love. I understand that the physical act of sex is not the same as the emotion of loving someone but is love not supposed to protect? Somewhere along the line we lost the real value of what it is to love someone. It is not just a warm and fuzzy feeling you get when you think or see them it is a responsibility. It is taking care of that person, making sure they are not hurt or harmed so when you are the one pulling the trigger how can a woman not question if your love is real because you are the one causing the pain instead of shielding it?

9. Men lie

I don’t know why they do it but they do. Whilst writing this I asked a few men why they lied and they all gave me bullshit answers. I'm not sure if there is some kind of secret society which they all belong to that bars them from telling us why they lie but I did not get a satisfying answer. Answers ranged from women overreact if told the truth, lying is easier (what?), it just comes out, they’re scared of the reaction and we cannot handle the truth. Of course we can, just don’t do stupid things which might get a reaction of you getting smacked upside the head! It’s really that simple.

10. Men love compliments

I am convinced that men like compliments and flattery more than women do. They say that the best way to get a man to do anything, well most things is by stroking his ego. Men want to feel needed and strong. Praise him, appreciate him. He wants to feel like without him you wouldn't have been able to do this yourself and he’s “saving his damsel in distress.” I was telling one of my male friends the other day that sometimes I just cannot be bothered to do some things like open a can of beans, put fuel in so I cater to the man’s ego,

“You always get it right on £.00; when I put fuel in it always goes over, will you do it for me please” *insert smile*

“Wow, you’re so strong.”

“You’re really good at that.”

“Nice car” we all know about boys and their toys.

“He’s so handsome,” when he’s within earshot but not to him.

Men love compliments and having their egos stroked so next time you know what to do when you want something from them.

Now you know what I know. I'm still trying to cover some more and as soon as I find out,I'll be back with part two.

10 Ways To Break Your Happy Home

2013-09-20T14:48:00.001+01:00

No one ever wants to be the bad guy that breaks someone’s heart apart from me. I don’t mind. I will tell you to your face that it’s you not me! I’m lying; I’d rather avoid you like the plague or act like an ass until you ask me what’s wrong. So if you are like me and you want the other person to break up with you and you don’t mind leaving as the douchebag then you need to read this.

1. Lie! Lie! Lie!

If there was ever a better way to break up your relationship this is a sure way to do it. This works quicker than any other method tried and tested. Lie about what, you ask. Anything.

“Babe where were you last night?”

“At Bob’s house.”

“But Bob is in Marbella…”

“I was house sitting his fish.”

Lie about any damn thing and when you get caught out on your lies, lie some more. You have to stand your ground. Lie so much that your lies start to become ridiculous and you begin to look pathetic. No better excuse to leave someone when you cannot believe a word that comes out of their mouth.

2. Cheat

This one is a tricky one because if you cheat and act remorseful you might actually get forgiven which then means you’re gonna stay in your relationship which we don’t want but if you cheat and also do number 1 then you will be on your way out. To get a 99% success rate in getting out of your relationship with your method you have to put them in a position where they are forced to leave you even if they didn’t want to. Pay close attention. If you are going to cheat make sure you are obvious about it because you want to get caught. Have an empty condom wrapper in your jeans, leave the room when your phone rings, have someone tag you in a picture with them in a compromising situation on a social networking site. When they ask you about it they are secretly hoping for you to lie but what do you do? You tell the truth. Don’t even say sorry. Just say yes *Kanye shrug* go back to playing GTA V. Other method to this will be to cheat with as many people as you can, the more the better and when you get caught say it wasn’t you. See, you’re a liar and a cheat. Perfect!

3. Act jealous and possessive

If you find that cheating and lying are not really your things, maybe because you don’t want to come out of the relationship being labelled a douche bag or asshole; try this one for size. Take tips from Angela in Why did I get married? Question each and every single they make. Make sure all your calls are answered; texts are replied immediately and when they aren’t demand an answer as to why. Who were they with? Are they cheating on you? You saw how that guy/girl was looking at them. They are sleeping with them aren’t they? Then smash a few things, tears and screaming wouldn’t hurt either. No matter what they tell you; you will not believe them and make sure they know you don’t believe them!

4. Put them down

Criticise them. Every little thing they do, tell them they aren’t shit.

When they cough,“Why you gotta cough like that?”

“Why you gotta chew with your mouth open?”

“Why you gotta make me cum so hard?”

There’s really no pleasing some people. The problem with this one though is that instead of breaking up your relationship you might actually make them want you more. It’s a mind fuck. The more you put them down the more they will want acceptance from you so they will try harder. Kinda like treat them mean to keep them keen but this only works for people with Kanye syndrome (people who think they’re the shit) so tread carefully.

5. Man or mouse

This is for the guys. Women love men. Well, some women love men. Other women lovewomen. It’s the world that we’re living in but if you have a heterosexual woman and you don’t want to be with her anymore then act like Drake. Be that Drake sort of dude. Be emotional, cry during an NSPCC or RSPCA advert. Let her wear the trousers. Let her make all the decisions, let her speak for you. Be so weak and docile that if a fight was to breakout let her fight your battles for you while you scream “baby, no!” after that fight she’s going to look at you with sadness and disappointment in her eyes, shake her head and it’ll be game over. You officially succeeded in not being man enough for her. You didn’t really want her anyway!

6. Forget about their existence

Do you. Just act like they don’t exist. You don’t do this on purpose of course, you just forget about them. When they call you, talk to them. When they text you text back, you just never initiate communication because you forget about them as soon as they leave.Out of sight out of mind. Do you ask them how their day was? No, because you don’t care. Whatever they do don’t act interested, they’ll get the idea soon. Hopefully. When they start rambling on close your eyes, tilt your head back and make snoring noises. They bore the fuck out of you! Once in a while during their monologue; smile at them and say “you still talking?” That’ll shut them up and they probably won’t want to tell you anything after that which works well for you because you were not interested in the first place!

7. Bros before hoes!

I agree with this statement, my girls come first before any hoe. Assuming that hoes in this case is a man with no substance to me. If it’s my man though, my boo-ski, the one kidsrefer to these days as “him” my girls understand that he comes first because he will be doing some thangs that they ain’t. Things like cuddles and paying for my Brazilian hair (I kid) unless of course I’m getting ready to give him his P45 then my girls will be put before him. So if you’re thinking of getting rid of your beau make sure that you put your friendsfirst. If he wants to make plans with you tell him that you need to check with your girls first and you’ll let him know. Cancel last minute because your girls want to go to AfrobeatsSunday. This works both ways, guys too. Put your friends before her.

Tip: when having a debate/discussion make sure you say “well my friends say” or “my friends think” this is guaranteed to piss anyone off!

8. Fuck bitches, get money!

There really are some messed up individuals in this world aren’t they? Since when did money have the same effect on humans as love? If you want to be lying in bed alone during cuffing season with your “hun’eds” keeping you warm; put it first. They say you never lose women chasing money, well that’s a lie. Women like attention and when you start paying more attention to work, your hustle and we are left feeling neglected we are going to bounce. Get me wrong; chase that paper, get that money but you need to learn to balanceand prioritise. There is money making time and there’s spousal quality time. You can’t come home after a long day at work and go on your Blackberry or laptop to work some more, stop for a minute and smell the roses. If you over prioritise one over the other one is going to suffer. Balance is key but hey, why do you care you trying to get rid of your spouse anyway right?

9. Be Wasteman/Wastegyal

Don’t be about shit! You just sit there and scratch your balls all day while your spouse goes out and works their ass off. Would one really go to the extent of doing this just to break a happy home? Only subconsciously, I hope. The only thing worse than someone with no ambition is a lazy dreamer. I wish is your favourite song by R.Kelly because all you do is say you wish, you have big dreams but you still do nothing about it. You are not making any steps towards that big goal you have in your head because you are just lazy. You lie in bed while they wake up at 6 am to go to work and when they come back you’re still in the same position they left you in watching Basketball Wives or playing COD eating all the food in the house. Then you have the cheek to ask them for money so you can go out with your friends! Good job!

10.

10. Stuck on your ex

Begin every sentence with “well my ex used to…” do you know what you’re going to get? “Well go and be with your ex then!” it really is that simple. Technically you are not doing anything wrong because your ex really used to do it this way and because we are trying to piss this person off so much the last thing they want to hear is about your ex so you’re onyour way to getting rid of them! Throw some comparisons in there, some praises too of your ex of course. This one will work brilliantly with number 4.

See, it’s not that hard to get rid of someone is it? Just follow my tips and you will be on your way to being the world’s biggest douchebag but at least you will be home free! All by yourself, just how you like it. If you want to know what NOT to do to break your happy home then use this guide as things not to do. I hope that works better because I don’t want to think that I contributed to creating assholes and breaking hearts!!!

To Marry or Not To Marry

2013-09-19T20:58:00.000+01:00

Everyone around me seems to be getting married or engaged; I’m just getting more awesome! No, I really am.

I found out the other day that someone that knows someone that knows someone that I know got married after 5 months of dating. That is good for them but I was sceptical. Do you really know someone well enough to want to spend the rest of your life with them after just five months? In my opinion that’s the honeymoon period, the period where you blog about this man saying he’s perfect; you’re seeing them through rose tinted glasses *ahem, coughs* 10 Signs That I Like You *coughs* so it’s really hard to tell if you can live with this person for the rest of your life or if you’re just infatuated. Is it possible to be in love after five months or is that infatuation?

I have fallen in infatuation quite a few times, I have, yeah. I'm not ashamed, I'm a sucker for love dammit and I will stand there and say yes I have been infatuated but love? Only once but does this make me cynical to the fact that if you get married too soon you’ll be marrying blindly? Hell no! I think that when you are dating someone within the first few months you can see part of their character, you can assess if their personal traits, characteristics, beliefs are something that you can live with for the rest of your life but not everything comes out within that time and because of infatuation you don’t realise how much some of those traits will annoy you a year or two down the line unless you are spending every day together then the honeymoon has a shorter life-span.

Is it an age thing that makes people panic and marry sooner than they previously would have had they been younger. I am talking about when you are dating in your early twenties; many of these tend to go on for about three/four years but had you been married you probably could have stretched it a bit longer. Which makes me think; does the absence of marriage allow relationships to break easily? If I had gotten married to my first love when I was 18 would we have broken up two years later? Or because we would have been in it for the long haul we would have been more enduring and willing to work through our problems?

At 26, I have met men who I have seen some husband qualities in and thought of them as potential husbands but had they asked me to marry them would I have said yes? The love junkie in me wouldn't have allowed me because I can only marry if I'm in love. Look at it this way, I have only been in love once and that’s when I was 18. I have since had 2 other serious relationships which lasted about 2/3 years which at the time thought I was in love but I wasn't. Had I married either of these two men with the hopes that love will come because I would have seen qualities in them that I would have admired I would have lived in regret or divorce. Divorce not being an option for me means I would live in regret and grow to love this man because I’d never have fallen in love. I would still chase that high, that floating feeling, that tightness in your stomach and that sigh (you know the sigh I'm talking about) that I had had the first time round.

Do I think people should get married once they fall in love? Absolutely! So what happens if they fall in love within three months of their relationship? I say wait. Wait to see if this is real love or infatuation. Wait to see if you can tolerate this person’s anger, their stubbornness, sloth or their farting in bed. Long term relationships leave too much room to leave (when I say long term I'm talking about 2 years+) If you both hold the same values in life and marriage then why the delay? Chances are if you stay in a monogamous (or polygamous whatever works for ya) relationship a bit further down the line if you come across difficult times you’re going to want to leave because there is nothing tying to that person BUT if you are married, have the no-divorce policy and are committed to your marriage and to each other then you will work it out.

When people get married so soon it makes me wonder if they actually grasp what marriage entails. That commitment is now being taken too lightly. It’s so easy to get into a marriage and to get out of it. I don’t know if the vows “for better or for worse, til death do us part” mean anything any more. Unless we are beating each other up like Ike and Tina, I ain't leaving. We said til death do us part and that’s how I intend to leave; you gonna have to kill me! I'm staying! So I need to get to know you as much as I can before I say “I do.” If we get married within five months and then I find out something in the sixth month about you that I really couldn't deal with because I was so lost in the honeymoon period; I am forced to work through that. Had we waited a while longer until the rose tinted glasses had gotten clearer and we decided that we don’t want to work through this thing; we both would have walked away and no one takes half. When the going gets tough and the tough gets going and the man I'm marrying he decides he doesn't want to be with me any more and has a divorce policy but I didn't know about this because we hadn't known each other long enough he’s going to take half. I don’t want him touching my half. Half of what I hear you say. Half of my millions of course! *cue crickets and tumble weed* What?

Men Aren't That Bad

2013-08-20T13:16:00.000+01:00

I, like a lot of men are driven by the visual. I'm enticed by beauties with brains. I find nothing sexier than a matured frontal and parietal lobe carried by a dark skin beauty, caramel, milky way or look like he just stepped out of Green & Black's chocolate factory; I do not discriminate.

Starting from the low cut Caesar with deep waves.
His eyes that look into your soul; undress you by watching your every move, sparking up something delicious in the pit of your stomach and at the meeting of your thighs.

The curve of his lips; that Colgate smile.
I enjoy listening the vibrations of his deep masculine voice, deep laugh and the huskiness when he says sweet nothings or when he's telling a story.

I love the muscles on him, from his trapezius down to his biceps and triceps. The bulging veins that run down his fore arms to his metacarpals. I like something pretty to look at; not necessarily in the feminine term but in a way that I lick my lips and do a low grunt "mm!" when I watch his back shirtless while he moves around nonchalantly.

It's also in his height, the confidence I take in wearing 5 inch heels knowing I'll still have to look up to him; metaphorically as well as literally. When he looks down at me, suddenly I feel small. I feel protected. I feel like he is King. My king.

I'm not shallow, I promise; I just like what I like.
Abercrombie and Fitch type guys, the abdominis rectus so defined, so cut and mesmerizing with his boxers hanging low enough to see the "V"; if you know you know.

From their waist down to their glutes he walks with such pride and purpose. A stance that dares to be challenged, that of a gladiator. He is a man with purpose, a goal. He is not perfect and he knows this. A man who treats his woman like his mate. He is King and she is Queen.

I reside in the grey area

2013-07-29T20:15:00.000+01:00

People say that relationships are hard. After being in one for three years and being newly single and on the dating scene I beg to differ. Relationships are easy. You know each other, there are no games, no questions about what's going on between the two of you. You both know exactly where you stand with each other and when one starts going off track you correct that shit. As you can probably guess, I was rusty. I didn't know the dating etiquette, it was so bad that I had to Google how to act. I have been out of the game for so long they have DMs now, KIK (what the hell is kik), InstaDM, Whatsapp, Screenshots (don't slip up because you'll get screenshot.)
After getting over my break up I decided to start dating. I hadn't attempted to spit my mac-daddy-a-class game since my ex boyfriend and that was four years ago! First on the to do list to figure out what I was looking for out there in the big world filled with plenty of fish (no pun, ok maybe a little.) I knew I didn't want to be in a relationship, hell I'd just gotten out of one a few months ago I was not keen on jumping into the deep end of meeting the parents, sisters, brothers, nieces and nephews and don't get me started on the five year plans. I wanted something stress-free. Meet someone, go out, have fun; good clean fun which to most sounded like I wanted to knock boots. No, I did not want to do the nasty, which meant to most people sounded like I wanted a relationship right? No, I wanted to date.

I understand that it was naive of me to expect a man to want to spend time with me without getting some ass.I wasn't necessarily putting the booty on lock-down, I was merely not looking for a booty call.

So here's what I was looking for: a man who could hold a good conversation, funny, witty, didn't take himself too seriously. I did not care about his future, his five year plan, his short term goals or anything else that Steve Harvey was talking about in his book. I, my friends, wanted to "kick it." I wanted the grey area which consisted of dinners, movies, theme park rides, weekends in Paris or Rome and I did not want to be his girlfriend. What do you call this? The grey area. I wanted the company without having the complications of a relationship and yes, this company might have the same job description of a boyfriend and yet that's not what I was going for. When seeking advice from friends they too assumed I wanted a relationship, no I just wanted to hang out. So that means I wanted to just have "fun?" Yes, but not fun as in sex *sigh* I give up.

No matter how much I tried to explain my requirements, my needs and what I was looking for it seemed either black or white. It was either I wanted a relationship or I didn't. In my mind I wanted the Grey Area.
I'm still seeking the Grey area but I also understand that the Grey area to most is non-existent but to me it seems like a no brainer. I'd rather have a Grey area than just have a sexual relationship with someone who I call when I want to be "held" *ahem.* Sometimes you just want to go out and have a nice dinner with someone, good conversation and just have a cuddle. Who says that all this can only be provided by a boyfriend? Let's break all the rules and make the Grey area a thing because I sure as hell am not looking forward to going to any family reunions any time soon.

Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater...?

2013-04-10T11:46:00.001+01:00

I am yet to meet a reformed cheater. I have faith but I'm still waiting. Someone always falls off the wagon or at least I'm waiting to see if they'll fall off the wagon because they always do. I met a handsome brotha who was cheating on his girlfriend. Any opportunity he got he'd drop his pants. After we became close friends I started seeing that this guy really, honestly and whole heartedly loved his girlfriend. He professed his love on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Myspace (if it still existed), citing hopes of getting married and for her to bear his children. At the beginning of the year he told me he was done cheating. His New Year's resolution was to do right by her and wasn't going to cheat on her any more. You know it's serious when you have to make it a New Year's resolution to stop cheating. It took him 3 months to fall off the wagon. He honestly loved her and I believed him and when asked why he continued to cheat on her he said it was because he knew he was going to be faithful when he married her. He basically wanted to get it all out of his system. So I asked him what guarantee he had that he would marry her since he was repeatedly cheating on her...Silence.

What I found interesting however from a conversation I had with him (I love our little heart to heart moments) was that when I asked him if someone who had cheated in the past would do it again. He said if someone cheats once they'd would definitely cheated again. Why? Because once a cheater always a cheater. In order for a man to be truly faithful; he said, he needs to have very strong will power and he needs to make up his mind that he doesn't want to cheat any more. It's all up to him.

So I thought, what about women? If a woman cheats does that mean she will do it again? I don't think so, only because I believe that a woman will cheat on her man if she's looking for something that she's not getting in the relationship. If her man doesn't listen to her, encourage her, give her moral support she will find a man who is willing to give her that. It is a psychology of making up what the other one lacks. A woman can have a man who's the kindest, most generous man, funny, good job, everything is amazing on paper but if she wants someone who will throw her around the bedroom and looks like he has a baseball bat stashed in his trousers but her man looks more like MMG's bawse (Rick Ross) and is holding a chipolata under his 10 month pregnant looking belly she might be stepping out. If she stays with said man she might cheat on him continuously until she gets what she really wants out of the relationship. Cheating could be tit for tat thing. You cheat on me, I will cheat on you. Two wrongs don't make a right but they surely make you sleep better at night!

So what happens when your boo cheats on you? Do you forgive them and try to rebuild that trust with them or do you keep it moving? I had to think long and hard about this, had a few debates too! I think it's very naive to believe someone when they grovel and swears to you that will never do it again that they won't because no one can predict their future actions. I believe in love, I love LOVE but I also believe that a snake will beg for your mercy and then bite you right after you spare it's life.
Forgiveness is something we all need to do. We need to forgive in order to move on with OUR lives, when you forgive it stops being about the other person and more about you. At the same time we do not need to go back into a cycle of infidelity because of love. Not taking someone back after they cheated does not mean you don't love them, it means you're not willing to risk your heart and feel like your world has come tumbling down again. It is protecting yourself from the betrayal, paranoia and insecurity. In the same breath I will say that taking someone back after they've cheated on you does not make you a fool in love, it means you have hope that people can become better. It is understanding that human beings make mistakes and they can come back from that. It is understanding that it was never about you (well, maybe it was but hey!) and that people change. Sometimes they don't and such is life.

But fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice then you're damn fool because I'm coming to get your ass!

Give me HOLLYWOOD lurve anytime baby!

2013-01-21T19:56:00.002+00:00

I often get amazed at how different we are as human beings but at the same time how similar we are. In the last month I have come across three women who were in the EXACT same relationship situation and they did not know each other. They were in long term relationships with men they didn't love. Well, they loved them but they were not in love with them. So I asked why they were still hanging on and I got the same answer: "I don't know." The fear of the unknown often paralyses people. It is hard to leave someone you have been with for years because that is all you know and you don't know if you will get something better. You don't know if what you really desire is even real or if its attainable.

I often look at people who get married and wonder what sort of feeling they had when they decided to get married. We all know that falling in love is a temporary feeling and the real lasting feeling comes when you have settled in love. Gravity has done its job and you are not getting those butterflies any more .. or are you? After years of being together, will you still have that clenching feeling at the pit of your stomach that you used to get when you first started dating and has he now become "that guy?" Yes, he's your boo, you've "settled" in love and you are happy but do you still have that feeling? This is what I think a lot of people struggle with. Love is like crack, you want that high feeling so you keep going back. Trying different types so that you keep having that "falling" feeling because it's like a drug. But for my friends who are comfortable in their relationships yet they yearn for more are they settled in love and are just acting like crack fiends or is there really more out there for everyone? Is love for everyone? Is long term love for everyone?

I've met some serial daters because they cannot be in a long term relationship after the butterflies have gone. Its boring, mundane, redundant and routine because it takes work so they start looking around to see what else is there. In life you're always going to come across people that are funnier, better looking, wittier, smarter, sexier the list is endless on how many fishes are out there in the sea but are they worth letting go of what you have at home? One of my friend's situation is that she could not forgive him for the past and yet she could not let him go. The solution is pretty simple and clear. The writing is on the wall; if you cannot forgive him for what he did in the past you're punishing both you and him and are wasting valuable time when you could be out having fun getting that "falling" feeling. That feeling is great isn't it just?

But for those who do not have past problems to deal with (well every relationship has problems but some minor than others) at what point do you realise that you're settling in your relationship and you deserve better or if you're settled and now have to put in the hard work because you're committed? Is it a thin line between the two or does it take logic instead of emotion to decide whether you should stay or if you should go?

Ho-ism is in the eye of the beholder

2012-10-18T18:19:00.000+01:00

I recently came across an article where Lala Vasquez had been put in a uncomfortable position. She appeared on the Breakfast Club or something like that and in the show they have a segment where fans call in to ask the guest celebrity advice on a dilemma they might be having. So, this young lady called in and told Lala that she had a somewhat "loose" friend and people were beginning to call her a ho which wasn't cool because she didn't want her friend's behaviour to reflect on her; birds of a feather type thing and asked Lala how SHE handles the situation being friends with Kim Kardashian. Awkward, right? Lala defended her friend saying Kim wasn't a ho because a ho is a home wrecker and Kim wasn't a home wrecker, she was just young and single and could open her legs to whomever she wanted.

Lala defending her BFF

So I got to thinking... does Lala have a point? If you think about it, the term "ho" was invented by men to be used against us. Before you conclude that I'm trying to encourage women to open their legs to any Tom, Dick (no pun intended) and Harry, I'm just pointing out the fact that we are living in a double standard world where contrary to what Beyonce says, we really don't rule the world. If a guy sleeps with 50 girls, he's a G, hell women prefer to be with a guy that's been with plenty women because he has more experience but a guy will not go near a girl who has slept with 50 guys. See The Numbers Game.

So, what is a hoe? When I asked a few people I got different replies but the most common was someone who had little to no respect for herself, morals and slept with plenty of men. Does the number of people you've slept with determine whether you're a ho or not too? How about if you happen to be gullible and fall for every sweet guy who tells you they don't know where you've been all their life because as much as they are dumb men are very smart and are able to sniff out desperation out of a woman.

Scenario 1: If a virgin was in the club dancing like she was having sex and somewhere in there the guy slipped his hand into her panties and started playing. See figure 1. Is she a ho? She has never slept with anyone but she's allowing this guy who she doesn't even know his name to go all up in her in a club with a hundred people around.

Scenario 2: Girl sleeps with guy on the first date
Is this ho-ish? I know a few couples who had sex on the first date and are still together years down the line. This is cool, good for them but my question remains what if you do that with every man you go on a date with but doesn't end up being your boyfriend. How many men do you have to go through on the first date until it becomes official? Women often say it's not all the time that they'd sleep with someone on the first date but sometimes it just feels right and the fire will be burning. Alright.

Scenario 3: Girl has many "serious" short term relationships because many guys have led her to believe that they wanted a serious relationship out of her and turns they only wanted one thing. Hopeless romantic who is just naive, is she a hoe?

Scenario 4: Girl meets guy, she likes him, she sleeps with him. Why not?
She's grown, he's grown (maybe) and double standards were invented by men. A woman should have the right to her sexuality just as much as a man does.

Scenario 5: Girl meets a married guy becomes his mistress
According to Lala, this is her definition of a hoe; a home wrecker. Someone who intentionally has an affair with a man who she knows is attached to someone. What if he lied to her and said he wasn't in a relationship or married and then later down the line she found out but she was in too deep and couldn't let go because technically he had been her man. Whether there was another woman on the side or not, for months that's all she knew and she thought she was the only one. Can we call her a ho then?

I'm torn, for years I had my own definition of what I considered a ho to be and I was set but after talking to people and seeing things, doing things I have started questioning what I actually consider a ho and I don't know. I have concluded that a ho is man-made word for men to explore their sexuality and keep women under their control. Even though we can now vote, work, some careers have even gotten rid of the glass ceiling we are still living in a man's world and we as women have that mentality that if a girl does this or that she's a ho. But like I said it's all depending on the individuals and it is in the eye of the beholder.

Happy Humping to those who hump!!!

Another Cougar Post (by guest blogger)

2012-09-24T10:00:00.002+01:00

I know some of you must be thinking that I'm now obsessed with cougar/cub relationships. I'm not. A guest blogger, who asked to remain anonymous sent me this post. I was in hysterics and I was happy that I wasn't the only one that felt sceptical about dating a younger man. This post was based on real events which explains why the blogger asked to remain private and I was present when this all happened, we were all young and in college hence the curfew. Did I just spoil it? She should have known better! Enjoy!

(Cougar, Cougar, Cougar)

So I got to thinking, ‘why do women become cougars?’ I mean this type of situation presents quite a few problems without even trying. For instance the lies that come up are quite laughable I must say. Can you imagine relaxing with friends and having a few drinks as people do, then as you get comfortable and the time gets later you begin to sense some kind of discomfort from your partner. He gets up, keeps glancing at his watch and tries to make an excuse because he now has to leave. Now because of embarrassment he’s not going to fully come out and say he has a curfew. Excuses like, ‘I have to go shopping for my mother tomorrow morning so I have to sleep early.’ Or my all-time favourite, ‘I have to get home early because my mother hates locking up without me. WHAT!!! C’mon, are you kidding me? I understand that at this time we were all young, we all had curfew (somewhat) and had to be home at a certain time but it was 7 o'clock and he didn't live that far from me which means his curfew must have been either 7.30 or 8.

So, there you are standing in front of your friends who so desperately want to laugh, as he leaves your house. OMG I wanted the ground to open and swallow me whole. However, this young boy was sweet because the next time he went out bowling he bought me earrings. It was cute. They were these small "gold and diamond" studs that were in a small blue box. They looked a bit cheap but hey, it was the thought that counts right? How do you live down a situation where he buys you jewellery for £4.99 from Argos as a means to court you. Ok I’m not going to be mean. After all that’s probably as far as he could stretch his EMA money. I guess if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship all this can be avoided and you can have your fling during the day under wraps and no one has to know.

The plus side of dating a younger man is that they make you feel equally as young as they are. The idea of being older gives you a false sense of experience and power. And as an added bonus, they are much more adventurous compared to guys your own age, maybe because there is a need to constantly please in an effort to prove their man hood and ability to satisfy an older woman.

But be warned, the good things are few and far between. Make sure you don’t get caught in a situation where he brings his own bottled drink into a restaurant you are supposedly having dinner, all because he budgeted on a quarter chicken and chips with no bottomless drink. LOL. Please don’t let me put you off, just always make sure you have a little extra so you can get a bottomless drink, assuming that option is there. Then he’ll know to wait for you to finish drinking so he can have one too.

Hate to tell ya... But you're the side chick

2012-07-21T18:02:00.000+01:00

Sometimes I sit down and I try to figure out what exactly goes on in the minds of these simple men we love to hate. (I am currently in rehab therefore I am omitting myself from using the n-word, m-word, s-word, b-word, a-word and I'm still contemplating on the f-word. I realised that cursing is rude and I'm such a f-ing lady.) I am yet to meet a woman who is looking to be the side chick, mistress well apart from those waste girls on Real Mistresses of ATL, yes it's a show and it's coming to a site near you. Well, I guess there's a difference between women whose life ambition is to live off married men, good for y'all. Refer to my "Reasons Why Men Cheat" to see what I think of you.

I'm not going to go into the logistics of why you were made the side chick or what did you do wrong for him to confuse you from being wifey material to a jump off when you were rubbing on his tings at dinner on your first date. I'm not going to go into that, that's for another day. I'm sure I am not the only woman out there who gets really offended at the realisation that the Trigga Trey lookalike who you were thinking of introducing to your mum, dad and aunties at the next family reunion has already been introduced! Shoot, he didn't have an early start when you invited him over for a booty call, he has curfew and has to be home by a certain time or else his baby mama will have his balls for breakfast. You're his spicy rice, creamy mash, you're just a side.

1. A woman's intuition is her number one weapon. If you have a feeling that things ain't right they probably aren't.
If you have a feeling, an inkling an itch that you might just not be the main chick then you're probably right, he's probably already spoken for and you're just being the awkward odd girl out.

2. Holidays are out of the question
Christmas, his birthday, Valentine's Day, New Years celebration he is AWOL. As much as you would have loved to spend his birthday with him, his main chick had already booked him for that day and well, she comes first. So he will make time for you the day before, the day after and maybe the afternoon if the Mrs. hasn't got all day plans. If it is a surprise that she has planned for him, expect last minute cancellations because he has to do something with his mum.
For Valentine's Day your man is going to make a couple of excuses. Either he doesn't believe in Valentine's Day because its so commercial and just a way to get people to spend money or you are breaking up a few weeks or even days before then making up after.

3. He never takes you anywhere
Have you noticed that you never do 'couply' things? You never go out to eat, cinema, bowling all that boring stuff that couples do and when you do it is way out of ends. He will take you to an area that is way out of both your way because he might know someone there that will give him a good deal but coincidentally when you get there his 'friend' is not picking up his phone or isn't working that day. He cannot be seen by anyone he knows with you so he will try to keep you happy by taking you out like you asked but as a compromise it has to be on the outskirts of London where no one knows him. If you always find yourself confined in the four walls of his or your room and when you do go to his house he has to sneak you in because he doesn't want his mum to see you, it might just be time to take a long walk and don't look back. If he's serious about you why can he not introduce you to his mother? You're both grown. I smell fish. Leave. Perhaps you found yourself a real man who has his own apartment, car and the whole shebang it doesn't mean he wouldn't want a little piece on the side
and so he spends quality time with you in his place, no where else.

4. The receptionist at Premier Inn and Travelodge knows your name
Did you ever wonder why he never takes you to his house but always to a hotel. He might say something along the lines of "I don't usually bring girls to my house until I'm ready to introduce them to my mum." You have both spent an arm and a leg on cheap hotel rooms just for you to spend quality time with him and after all that he still won't take out back to his house. Girl, wake up. Hotels are nice on holidays, believe me I'm a hotel junkie but if that's where you seem to be meeting up all the time you need to get your Columbo on and start investigating!

5. You only meet up after hours
How come you never go out when the sun is shining? Not that we get much sun over here but you know what I mean. How come he is always busy during the weekend **coughs wifey coughs** and only seems to have time for you during the week after work? Or when you do see him on the weekend its usually during booty call hours when he calls you to come over or maybe he wants to stop by for a night cap. In his defence he is a busy guy, I mean with work, gym, tanning and laundry he has no choice but to see you in the evening babes. *blank stare*

6. Lastminute.com
He should have shares in lastminute.com the way he makes and breaks his plans with you. When you make plans to see each other and do special things that lovers do he always seems to cancel at the very last minute because something would have come up that he has to do! Yeah, his main chick. She probably did a last minute thing herself and told him she was on her way or they were going somewhere, you know girlfriend stuff that you probably do for him only that no one knows about you... awkward. Also, he is the most spontaneous man on earth. He can just call you at any time and tell you that he's coming to pick you up and then call you five minutes later saying he can't come. Hmmm.

7. You gets no love on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram
You follow him, he follows you, you're his "friend" and all that nonsense but you get no ratingson social networking sites. Why? Because he doesn't want his business out like that, he's a very private personal and does not want everyone to knowing his private life. All of a sudden you cannot see or write on his wall. With this new function they have on Facebook that you can limit what individuals view on your profile he probably went to "werk" when he added you restricting all the pictures of him and his girl without actually deleting them from his profile because that will cause problems on home ground. Mark Zuckerberg is one sneaky man (almost used the m-word there!) He probably has "married" as his relationship status and everyone but you can see it.

I know there is more but as usual I get wound up when writing about these things, I don't want to go all 'Bane' like the guy in Colorado who thought it was a good idea to kill people enjoying the new Batman movie. SMH, what is the world coming to? He probably has a side chick himself!

Go Dutch? We Ain't In The Netherlands!

2012-06-18T11:27:00.001+01:00

"Going Dutch" is a term that indicates that each person participating in a group activity pays for himself, rather than any one person paying for anyone else, particularly in a restaurant bill.

Miss Tammy: Damn girl, I can't wait for payday
Saz: But didn't you just go on a date on Saturday?
Miss Tammy: Yeah, but I didn't pay for it.
Saz: What if his card got declined?
Miss Tammy: Then I'd have sent out a broadcast for money transfer asap.
Saz: And if noone had money?
Miss Tammy: I go die o!

This is an extract from a recent BBM conversation that I had with Saz, I am very 21st century and I believe in going dutch. I also have a rule that I never leave my house to go on a date if I can't afford it but there is an exception to every rule since this date was not the first date and who am I to pass up a good date because the balance in my bank account is not speaking the language that I'd like to hear? I should say though on this occassion I did not do the whole "reach-for-your-purse-in-hopes-that-he-would-say-he's-going-pay move" because what if he decided that we should indeed go dutch? What would I do then? Tell him the truth that I was just being polite and actually had no intention of paying because my card will probably get chopped up if I gave it to the waiter because the balance is well below zero?

But let's think about the situation that Saz had talked about. What if his card had got declined and he looked at me to bail him out, what could I have done then? Honestly, I'd have started laughing and in the words of Cilla I'd have said "I can't help you!" and made my way home. Standard. I'm cool like that.

For many women going dutch is a dangerous zone, I am yet to meet a woman who is willing to go out on a second date with a guy who would have made her pay. And they say it's not about money, what is it about then? If a guy asked you to go dutch on the first date, is it a done deal? I have noticed that paying for a date is the one act of chivalry that women have refused to let go of. They will open their own doors, drive around town with their man in the passenger seat but will not accept going dutch. Why? Does it prove that he's not cheap or that he's not a douche bag? A fool can still wine and dine you and he can also ask you to come out of the pocket. I don't know, I tend to bump heads with men and women when this topic comes up over birthday dinners and random get togethers. I almost got stoned to death at Saz's birthday when I expressed that I didn't mind going on a first date with a guy and he used vouchers. I don't. As long as he gives me a heads up prior to the date then it's cool otherwise he'll just look like a cheapo who's trying to get one over on me. If a guy stepped up to me and says that he's got vouchers for Pizza Express, I don't mind! Judge me if you like, whatever because at the end of the day if he's stingy with his cash whether he pays full price on that first date or not you are going to feel the burn further down the line. Be real with me, show me that you care about your money and I will send you the link to vouchercodes.co.uk or even sign you up for groupon so you can get more than 50% off deals. *kanye shrug*

Tell Me If He's Cheating So I Can Fark Him Up!

2012-06-18T11:24:00.001+01:00

Baby! It's not what it looks like!

If you found out that your friend's partner was cheating on them would you tell them?

I asked a few of my friends what they'd do if they found my man cheating. A few said they'd tell me, some wouldn't and others would tell him to tell me. If I was cheating and my man's friend caught me and told me to tell Bob that I was cheating, how would that conversation go?

"Hey babe. You know John. He's not my cousin y'kno"
"What d'you mean he's not your cousin?"
"Well, we're kinda getting it in. I'm sowwy."

Call me crazy but I'd prefer it if he approached me and asked me if I'm cheating on him to which I will deny it unless he has visual evidence to show me otherwise its deny, deny, deny. Anyway, this is not about me.

"I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman!"

If you are my friend and you're reading this right now, I'd like to tell you that if I catch your man cheating I am going to video record him and take pictures. Then I will arrange a Starbucks lunch (because I love their chicken and tomato panini) and tell you about his triflin' ass. When you do confront him about it, feel free to drop my name in there or better yet I will be there with you swinging my baseball bat in case he tries anything funny saying "that's right, I saw you motherf*cker. I saw you!"

One of my friends that said she wouldn't tell me said it was because she knew I'd go crazy. Yes. Yes, I will. I will be sitting there in Starbucks arms folded, biting my cheek and shaking my left leg under the table thinking "where is that fool? Let me go and get that nucca!"
But I do understand where she's coming from, I might go cray and get done for murder but there are also some women who prefer to stay ignorant if their man's cheating and if my friend told me that she preferred not to know if her man's cheating then I'd respect that and not say anything if I caught him cheating on her. There are certain situations, like marriage, you got kids, you don't believe in divorce etc where you know you're not going to leave your partner so if they are creeping you'd rather not know because it's only going to cause heartache for you. Fair enough.

I personally do not think that cheating is the end of a relationship (like I wrote in Monogamy the myth.) People make mistakes and move on. If you were my friend and withheld that information from me I'd be very hurt because maybe he was going through some things that made him cheat and the discovery of his infidelity would allow us to address those issues and move on, possibly make our relationship better or stronger. When I do find out, I will not bust his windows because his windows might be my windows but there will definitely be some furniture movement in the house and I will beat him til the white meat then we can talk about why the hell he did it.

If we break up, we break up and if we stay together and work it out then that's my prerogative. You might be sitting across the table from us thinking that I stayed with a fool but at least I'll know he's a fool and dammit he'll be my fool! The last thing I'd want is for someone to know that my man is cheating on me and I don't. Tell me, let me deal with it. I promise I won't kill him and if I do I will plead temporary insanity.

Disclaimer: I do not condone violence, in fact I can't even fight. I just have a big mouth!

Don't Just Engage Me, Marry Me!

2012-06-18T11:17:00.002+01:00

I love those little moments when people call, text or bbm me telling that their man has just popped the question. I love it! I also love hearing about wedding plans, bridesmaids, cakes, venues to a certain extent. Don't go on about it, I got things to do instead of listening to you rumble on about your wedding.

BUT what really gets me going is when you get engaged with no plans for a wedding? What are we doing getting engaged for two years? If a man asks me to marry him, he better believe that I'm going to start googling Vera Wang dresses and finding out which horrid dresses I'm going to put my lovely girlfriends in. Don't ask me to marry you if you don't want to get married right now. I had a man, lovely guy, a bit too light skinned but lovely nonetheless. He decided that it was a good idea to ask me to marry him and it was. So he does his thing and asks me to marry him and I asked him if he was asking me to marry him because he was ready to get married. He said he wasn't ready but he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. So you want to hook me nucca? That's the male equivalence of pregnancy. They don't want you to leave so they hook you by dangling marriage in front of us.

The next thing you know you wake up one morning five years later wondering how you're still Miss and not Mrs Jones. You were the first one of your friends to get engaged but they've made their walk down the aisle and you're still waiting for the money to be right. Maybe I'm wrong, I dont know but since I'm not pro-marriage when I bend my beliefs a little bit to marry you cannot tell me that it's going to be a long engagement. No, you go down on one knee and I say yes; you best believe that I'm going to start planning our wedding that same night! Google never sleeps!

*drops mic*

No, really. He's A Baby!

2012-06-18T11:15:00.001+01:00

I love him just like I raised him
When he call me Mama
Lil Mama I call him Baby - Nicki Minaj, Moment for life

I have always been fascinated by cougar relationships. I sit there asking questions about what it’s like to do it with a younger man, kind of like the questions you ask when you hear that your friend did it with a white guy: “What does it look like? Is it really pink?”

I have plenty of friends who date younger men, from a year to seven years and the thought is like a foreign subject to me, I just don’t get it. The funniest thing about my ignorance, yes I am aware that I’m ignorant when it comes to this subject, is that so many relationships that my friends are in are with younger men and they are fine. They never complain about the age gap and it never seems like an issue. I think the problem with me is that at the tender age of 25 the younger guys I will be meeting are 24 and below which is in my opinion young. If I was say, 30 and dated someone who is 25-27 that will be different because by that time they would have matured a bit more, played the field and MAYBE be on the same level as I will. I can imagine dating someone who’s say two years younger than me and telling them some kind of predicament I would be in just to make conversation because to be honest I do not trust the advice of a 23 year old even though when I was 23 I thought I was pretty smart. Any little thing I can see myself saying “oh what do you know, you’re only a child.”

A while ago, one of my friends set me up with her “friend” the quotes are necessary because she thought he was 26 when he was really 20! They are not real friends! So we start talking, we vibing, you know that whole thing. He asks for my bbm pin, I give it to him, he’s calling, he’s texting, he’s falling, lemme explain. So one day I was telling one of my girlfriends about him and she asked me how old he was and I drew a blank. I had no idea so I quickly picked up my phone and sent him a bbm and boy, did he avoid the question until he said 20. Eh? How old now? Dude wasn’t even 21! He couldn’t even drink in America! I decided not to let that throw me because we were getting on quite well and didn't act like a 20 year old despite numerous insults from my friends asking me if he was going to take me out with his EMA money, if he had curfew or all the other insults I suffered.

He finally asked me out to dinner and not only was it my first date with someone four years my junior; it was also my first ever blind date. This was going to be interesting. We met up at an underground station and headed to a restaurant nearby. He ordered pineapple juice, I ordered orange juice. We ordered our food, ate my steak and tried as hard as I could to forget his age. After a while he finished his drink and naturally I expected him to beckon the waitress for another drink but this young brother went in to his “man bag,” pulled out an orange Tropicana and poured it into his glass ever so nonchalantly *bbm shocked face* and to make matters worse he made me pay half!

My friend was right; we should have gone to Pizza Hut!

Can You Really Be Friends With Your Ex?

2012-06-18T11:12:00.000+01:00

A lot of people call me cynical but I think I'm a realist. I hear some people saying they friends with their ex. Now, I'm not talking about that person you linked once or twice or Tyrone that you flung a few years ago. They don't count as exes and you can become friends with them because the foundation was not deep. They don't know you like that. I'm referring to exes that you were together for two or more years but things didn't work out so now they're friends. You done met each others families, been to family reunions together and even talked marriage and kids, now you're "friends". We don't believe you, you need more people! I find it very hard to believe that me and my ex can be good friends. I'm not buying it. You can be civil, yes but friends? As in if you were to mention who your friends are you'd count them? I can't see it. You both might start off with good intentions of actually being friends, you're catching up, laughing and joking and one day it only takes one day when one of you is gonna say "remember that time...?"

"Yes, I remember that time! We ended up buck nekkid and fooling around, that was a good time *sigh*"

"So, uh, you think we'll ever do that again? I'm not saying I want to, I'm just asking"

*Tekken voice* Game. Over.

Immediately you've jumped from being "friends" to "reminiscers" (I know its not a word, I just made up.) At some point someone is going to catch feelings because once again you have the relationship without the stress and the booty (if you're getting some ass from your ex, you're not friends) but somewhere down the line you're going to get hurt, don't say I didn't warn you!

Maybe I am cynical or maybe I just don't have the time to be entertaining my past so I don't even give them the time of day or consideration in such foolishness, I have enough friends and we broke up for a reason, keep walking my friend.

The Numbers Game

2012-06-18T11:07:00.003+01:00

Ok back to the topic at hand, I'm a firm believer in telling the truth as much as possible but there's only one situation when the truth won't set you free and that's when your man asks you how many people you've slept with. Its always two isn't it? No? Just me? Ok, moving on. How many women actually tell the truth though? I'm referring to the non-virgins. What I've always found strange is why men ask. Why? Why do you want to know? Because whatever number I say is going to be too much for you.

I was having a conversation with one of my girlfriends and asked if she'd slept with the new guy she was dating (they're now official, yay!) and she said she hadn't, she wanted to see where this was going before she went ahead and opened her legs and at the end of that sentence she said "besides, i gotta think about my numbers! Now, this friend of mine has the lowest number ever! Use your imagination if you're really that nosey but even at such a minute number we have been programmed to keep our numbers as long as possible which is why we end up lying. Yes, I said it. We lie. Right to your face! They say that you're supposed to divide by three for men and multiply by three for women. Multiplying by three, really? Makes it a lot, doesn't it? And to be honest I don't think that men have a reason to lie any more about their numbers because sugar walls are so easy to get these days.

Us, women have been put under so much pressure on our numbers. Shoot, a lot of us have to recycle mushroom tips just so that you don't up your number. You know one of them times when you're feeling a bit frisky and you want to do it with this new guy, you really do but you can't because when you look at that little list you have, c'mon I'm not the only one! You look at that list and you know you're not ready to add another name to it so what do you do? You call Tyrone. You can't stand Tyrone but hell, it beats adding a number.

I need to clarify something right now for the masses, the number is a sensitive subject. No, we don't count Bob from Aya Napa, he doesn't count. We only count domestic tips and if it didn't go all the way in or if he was small we don't count that either. If he's in a different city it might be debatable too, different area code and all that. We definitely don't count one night stands or one hit wonders. If we hooked up five plus years ago, unfortunately you've been wiped out of memory. Only meaningful relationships, the ones that you called boyfriend for a bit longer than 3 months. Mistakes have already been erased from memory so they don't even come into the equation.

In an ideal world we'd all love to have slept with our prince charming. One man, is all we would have loved but somewhere down the line that man turned into a real mushroom tip and had to let go. So did the next one and a few more after that. Things don't always work out the way you want them to and it is so unfair to call SOME women hoes because of her number under the stress that we do because of how many men would have stuck their mushroom tips in our sugar walls. If I were a virgin I swear I'd have a 100 t-shirts made saying "Virgin and Proud" and wear them everyday. That'll be my thang.

So You're The Main Chick But Your Man Has A Mistress and Some Hoes...

2012-05-12T17:40:00.000+01:00

I guess she wasn't shooting with him in the gym

Just the other night one of my girlfriends asked me what I would do if I had been with a guy for seven plus years and through out that period he had cheated on me several times but now it was becoming less frequent. First of all, we wouldn't get to the 'but' of this situation. How did we get to the seven year mark with him cheating on me? That's what I want to know! Was I in a coma, incarcerated or abducted by aliens? Because I find it hard to understand how I can lose count of how many girls MY man has been with since we've been together. If we're swinging or have an open relationship then I can understand but my jealous trait will not allow that to happen.

So I got to thinking; what does a man really have to possess for me to stick around for seven years of cheating?

i) He gives brain like he graduated from a good school

ii) He did juju on me, now my love is "blind"

iii) He has talents that give porn stars a run for their money

iv) He has deep pockets

v) He is a monster with words

vi) He's fine as hell

vii) You have kids together

And as I write this on the Northern line half eavesdropping, half concentrating I cannot find the sense in the reasons above. Is the pain worth it? Are you that naïve, insecure, in love that you cannot see that even though this man "claims" he loves you he is taking you for a fool? Yes, he is. He does not care or respect you because he is willing to watch you hurt. Does the pain go after seven years? Do you welcome him back with open arms and taste the girl he's just been with? He is ok with seeing you cry yourself to sleep. He thinks you'll get used it, over it or perhaps arrange a nicki minaje. You know you don't like it, stop fronting. You know he's not gonna change. You have allowed him for seven years to cheat on you and now you think he's tired because its less frequent? Go 'head boo, do you!

Bottom line, there's no better pussy than new pussy and you allowing him to go and do his "manly" thing is setting yourself up for an big fall. My friend advised me that some people might have hopes for the ring but my question still remains, what's the point? I guess I am a little biased because I am not a big fan of marriage so the ring is not a big deal to me but even if I was, why would I want to get married to someone who is going to be leading a single life? If I were to get married my husband would have to understand that he's eating these Jacob's crackers for life! Forget about Ritz and having variety to spice up your life. It is called monogamy for a reason.

Maybe I'm the naïve one and I don't know about the ting. Maybe with time I will become a little more compromising with cheating when I decide to lie to myself that all men cheat. They cheat because we allow them to. Nothing more, nothing less.

The video below is a must watch by @sulibreaks #hesnot

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJzBtL2SKZg&feature=youtube_gdata_player

The Numbers Game

2012-04-03T13:53:00.001+01:00

First things first, we're now on Twitter! Yay! I know it was about time so follow us @avgoodblog to keep up to date with all my relationship cynicism and the random things I go through every now and then. Why not eh? Also, read all my posts over at www.blogstop.co.uk every Wednesday.

Ok back to the topic at hand, I'm a firm believer in telling the truth as much as possible but there's only one situation when the truth won't set you free and that's when your man asks you how many people you've slept with. Its always two isn't it? No? Just me? Ok, moving on. How many women actually tell the truth though? I'm referring to the non-virgins. What I've always found strange is why men ask. Why? Why do you want to know? Because whatever number I say is going to be too much for you.

I was having a conversation with one of my girlfriends and asked if she'd slept with the new guy she was dating (they're now official, yay!) and she said she hadn't, she wanted to see where this was going before she went ahead and opened her legs and at the end of that sentence she said "besides, i gotta think about my numbers! Now, this friend of mine has the lowest number ever! Use your imagination if you're really that nosey but even at such a minute number we have been programmed to keep our numbers as long as possible which is why we end up lying. Yes, I said it. We lie. Right to your face! They say that you're supposed to divide by three for men and multiply by three for women. Multiplying by three, really? Makes it a lot, doesn't it? And to be honest I don't think that men have a reason to lie any more about their numbers because sugar walls are so easy to get these days.

Us, women have been put under so much pressure on our numbers. Shoot, a lot of us have to recycle mushroom tips just so that you don't up your number. You know one of them times when you're feeling a bit frisky and you want to do it with this new guy, you really do but you can't because when you look at that little list you have, c'mon I'm not the only one! You look at that list and you know you're not ready to add another name to it so what do you do? You call Tyrone. You can't stand Tyrone but hell, it beats adding a number.

I need to clarify something right now for the masses, the number is a sensitive subject. No, we don't count Bob from Aya Napa, he doesn't count. We only count domestic tips and if it didn't go all the way in or if he was small we don't count that either. If he's in a different city it might be debatable too, different area code and all that. We definitely don't count one night stands or one hit wonders. If we hooked up five plus years ago, unfortunately you've been wiped out of memory. Only meaningful relationships, the ones that you called boyfriend for a bit longer than 3 months. Mistakes have already been erased from memory so they don't even come into the equation.

In an ideal world we'd all love to have slept with our prince charming. One man, is all we would have loved but somewhere down the line that man turned into a real mushroom tip and had to let go. So did the next one and a few more after that. Things don't always work out the way you want them to and it is so unfair to call SOME women hoes because of her numberunder the stress that we do because of how many men would have stuck their mushroom tips in our sugar walls. If I were a virgin I swear I'd have a 100 t-shirts made saying "Virgin and Proud" and wear them everyday. That'll be my thang.

Club Antics

2012-02-11T17:50:00.002+00:00

see note 1, booty is maximus!!!

I got inspired to write this post after going out for one of my friend's birthday. I'm not a "raver" so when I do go out I am in awe of what goes on in the mean streets of London. I'm so sheltered, I live such a normal life and stood out like a sore thumb amongst the fashion that has taken over people's sanity. The outrageous clothes and cheap imitations of some of the most useless celebrities around made me question if I was missing out by not shaving my hair and dying it blonde or weaving my hair into Kim Kardashian curls. I wasn't even wearing a dress and people were looking at me like I had gone against clubbing etiquette by not being half naked.

Question though, don't women feel the cold when they are standing in the queue to get in? I have seen women wearing extremely short dresses and not have a coat on, I have to give credit where credit is due because the shoe game is always on point but poor things always look like wounded dogs shivering in the cold.
So if the women are never cold, why the guys never hot. I have seen guys with three piece suits on, jumpers and hoodies (wasteman.) Sometimes I will be boiling in my "modest" clothes and there will be guys dancing their socks off but they are not sweating. Howdotheydothat? Ama-zing!

1. "Booty booty booty rockin' everywhere"

As soon as I walked in this song automatically started playing in my head. Is it me or have asses gotten bigger and the dresses shorter? Everywhere I looked was booty. Girls dressed in dresses just past their bum crease and then they started playing "Rack City" now these girls were shaking their asses in my face, I didn't know where to look so I look there. So uncomfortable and some what blinding.

2. Every one has a theme song

Remember that scene in that movie where the guy is walking and there is a whole band of people playing music behind him? His soundtrack to his life. I forget the movie but your imagination can help you here. Everyone in that place walked around like it was racks on racks on racks. They probably didn't have £20 in their wallet but if you asked them they were ballin'!!!

3. DJs love YMCMB

Did I spell it right? What the hell does that even stand for? Anyway, for about 30 minutes of my time there all I heard was Young Money Cash Money and "The Bawse." Is that what's hot in the clubs right now? Could Drake please decide if he wants to be an emotional rapper or "gangsta," the quotes are extremely necessary because when I watched "they know, they know, they know" video (I'm well aware that that's not the name but I'm not going to waste my time googling Drake) I could not stop laughing. What do they know Drake? Really? They know about Marvin's Room? Take Care? Gtfoh! But people seemed to be enjoying this crap. I just don't get it. Also, what is up with Meek Milli's voice? Am I the only one that finds his voice extremely high pitched and annoying, sounding like a damn coyote, shut up!

4. I act "bougie"

Funny thing is I'm not. I am well aware that I look like one of those girls "that think they're too nice" ~~even though I am~~ but I genuinely cannot dance to a song I do not like. My body just doesn't move and when the DJ starts playing YMBCMB (whatever) I just cannot move to that so I stand there with a drink in my hand thinking "wtf" although Rack City and The Motto are tunes! I can get down to that. Also if they play a song like "Teach me how to dougie" one cannot be seen doing any other dance apart from the dougie and any poor attempt will make you look like a fool, so I sway or two step and act like I'm bougie but I'm not.

5. I still don't know how to do the Dougie

There is only one moment in the four hours that I am in a club that I dread. When they play "Teach me how to Dougie." It's a constant reminder of that one dance I have failed to do. I can do the Cat Daddy, Tootsie Roll, hell I can even do Azonto but the Dougie? Man, that dance has failed me. I once spent one afternoon on the 30th of December 2011 trying to learn how to do the Dougie because I didn't want to go into the new year without knowing how to do the Dougie but alas! It is 2012 and I still can't do the freaking Dougie! When I watch the numerous youtube videos 'teaching me how to dougie' it's so easy yet so hard! Even Justin Beiber can do the dougie but I can't seem to do it. Why? *cries*

6. Electric slide

The Best Man paved the way for the electric slide. See from 8.15

There was once a joke made that the Electric Slide is the only dance that brings black people together. You could be in the middle of a fight and once you hear that intro, you have to pause for a minute and get ready to move to the right. You always go to the right first in case you didn't know, then left, back, dip dip then kick and turn. As a rule no matter how much my feet hurt since this song is usually played towards the end of the night I have to get up and do it, seems like everyone has that rule too. I was shocked to see the whole club moving in unison and there's always that one person that has no idea how to do the dance but they still insist on dancing in the middle messing it up for everyone and stepping on your feet which are hurting already just because they want to be involved. I even saw big hench guys in tight t-shirts and hood men rocking hoodies and sneakers (why are you wearing that in a club though?!) doing the electric slide. Go hard or go home!

So you've decided to sleep over...

2012-01-14T17:06:00.000+00:00

There are a lot of unspoken trials and tribulations that a woman goes through the first time she decides to sleep at a man's house. It's not as simple as grabbing an overnight bag with cute jim jams, whipped cream and handcuffs. Oh no, a sleep over is a decision you need to sit down with your girlfriends in Nando's and discuss if you are ready for that next step in your relationship. There are a few things one has to consider and decide if they are ready to take that step.

1. The head scarf

A lot of black men have been brought up in households where their mums, sisters or aunts walk around in a head scarf on a daily basis so they are pretty much used to seeing a woman in a headscarf. You'd think that this would make it easier, oh no. You have to think about how you're going to wrap your hair; are you going to do it in an attractive and fashionable way but still make sure that all the hair is covered or do you just wear it the same way you would when you are at home. If you decide on not wearing a head scarf you have to make sure your gentleman friend has silk pillow cases because there's nothing worse than cotton when you've just had your hair did. For someone like me who has short hair, if I sleep without a head scarf I wake up with my hair looking like Jedward and it will not go down unless I wrap it.

2. No make up look

If you've been seeing a guy and he's constantly seen you with make up on, it creates a picture. My skin ain't that flawless, my eye lashes are not that long and my weave does not blend that well without straighteners! Hell, I got a few spots here and there that MAC has covered up for me. Basically, I do not look like how I looked at 3pm when you met me; mix that up with the headscarf then oh boy!
You don't want him to go to sleep with Pamela Anderson and wake up next to something on the left, I'm not even sure who that is to be honest. I don't know if there's much difference in how I look with make up and when I'm bare faced so if I have stay at a guy's house for the first time that moment when you're about to go to bed is a thinker. Do you take the make up off or just scare him in the morning when your face is on his pillow case and your hair is looking like Goku from Dragonball Z?

3. Morning breath

Is there anything on this earth that smells worse than morning breath? So before agreeing to spend the night you go through a few things and one of them is contemplating whether you let him smell your morning breath or wake up early, brush your teeth and jump back into bed or perhaps keep a tic tac underneath your pillow so that you can pop it into your mouth before he wakes up. I usually choose him smelling my morning breath because I do not sacrifice my sleep for anyone and besides morning breath is natural, hell if he's gonna breathe that in my face why can't I breathe in his?

4. Snoring

What if you snore? Ever thought about that? You usually sleep alone, how do you know if you snore or not? I tend to sleep talk the first time I sleep in a foreign bed. Whether its my friend, aunt, hotel, man; I will sleep talk if its the first time. Guaranteed. So, here we are. In his bed; the first time we're spending the night together and I start saying random shit. He's gonna think I'm crazy or have some kind of demon that comes alive at night. This only happens on the first night by the way and I do always give a disclaimer.

I had to say something regarding this matter because sleeping over for the first time is one of the least spoken about dilemmas that we go through but the good thing about it is that once you have slept over, there's nothing left to worry about. You'll be putting your mask on, greasing your head and taking out your weave while he watches football on a Sunday afternoon.

He's just not THAT into you

2012-01-01T01:08:00.001+00:00

Happy new year everyone! Hope you have all made attainable new years resolutions and hopefully one of them is to know when to let a guy go when he's not into you because certain baggage really should not be dragged into the new year. It needs to stay there, in 2011. So if you're in doubt and are confused about if he is THAT into you; fear not, I'm here to break it all down for you.

So, I have a couple of single girlfriends who go on dates every now and then and after a few dates or even before the first date they're usually very curious and anxious to know if the guy likes them. Sometimes the signs are as clear as day when he likes you, it's when he's not that into you that you get those mixed signals which are so confusing that you just want to pick up the phone and ask "dude, do you like me or not?" But obviously its easier said than done so we resort to checking our phones every two minutes, watching your Blackberry to see if that red light is blinking. You look at your phone for about 30 seconds without blinking just in case you miss it when you know that red light blinks every 5 seconds but you still unlock your phone to check if there's a message in case you missed it one minute ago when you last checked. As women and girlfriends sometimes we lie to our friends to spare their feelings by making excuses for the guy: "he's busy with work", "he's doesn't want to seem too eager", "his dog probably ate his phone", "he probably fell down the stairs, bumped his head, broke his jaw and has a wire in his mouth and his fingers broke from when he tried to break his fall so he can't call or text you." It's a very confusing time for women. So here we go ladies, bookmark this page.

1. He's not calling

There is no such thing as a guy being too busy to call, having no minutes or credit. When a guy likes you, he will find a way to call you. He will ask his friends, use his work/house phone, use the phone box (they still make those?) or even ask a stranger in the street. I don't know, I just know that I will not accept such boohockey like that. If he's really that down on his luck he will ask you to call him because he really wants to talk to you that much. If he likes you he will call. Period.

2. He's not asking you out

If he likes you why doesn't he want to see you again? If a guy likes you, he will be sure to schedule another date with you soon because he'd want to get to know you better and be in your company so if he's not asking you out and there isn't a good reason why, he probably doesn't want to see you again.

3. You always initiate contact

Do you always find yourself calling or texting him first? When you scroll through your text history it's always you saying "morning babe, hope you slept well. Have a lovely day" and your reply is a few days late or even no reply at all? You always ask him if he wants to meet up with you. You always call him to say "hey stranger, just calling to see if you're still alive." Oh, he's alive alright. He's just not THAT into you enough to pick up the phone and call or text you.

4. He's always busy

There's no such thing as he's busy. I hate to break it to you girl but it's a lie. A man will never be too busy if he really wants to see you. He will drive by your house after work for 10 minutes just to say hi. He will call you when he's on his way home, in the toilet, when he's having lunch, whatever but there is no such thing as he is busy. If he is really THAT into you he will make enough effort to stop you wondering if he likes you. Once you hear that, tell him to hit the road jack because he's feeding you lies.

5. He's not acknowledging your efforts

I have a friend who is quite possibly going to kill me for writing this story but it is just too funny, I have to share. Hold on, there are two stories from two friends I am going to share with you. Keep in mind that I am putting my friendship at risk here by sharing this you.
Friend one bought a sexy bow for the man in her life at that time. It was his birthday and she wanted to do a sexy surprise for him so she took a picture of herself in the bow, sexy pose you know the finger in the mouth, booty tooch and all that and nothing! She sent this sexy picture to him and he didnt even reply. So she called T-Mobile asking what was wrong with her picture messaging service to which they confirmed that everything was fine and her last message had been delivered successfully. So the obvious thing will be to ask the receipient if he received the picture to which he replied that he had. *Crickets*

Friend two, this story gets me going everytime I end up in stiches whenever I hear it or tell it. So my dear friend was so smitten with this guy that she decided to surprise him by turning up to his house butt naked. On her way to his house while she sat on bus 54 (bus number has been changed to protect said friend's identity) he called her. They made idle conversation and he told her that he was on his way out to see some of his friends, well at this point she had no choice but to ruin the surprise and tell him what she was doing and this son of a gun told her to go back home. Really? She was sitting on the bus butt naked on her way to see him and he is going to choose seeing his boys over a butt naked woman. He's either gay or does not like you booboo.

6. You're the last priority

So you want to do something but he tells you that he'll let you know. Does he have plans? No, he's waiting to see if something comes up but if it doesn't you'll be the first to know. You have a date planned this weekend but he cancels last minute because he has to go out with his friends *blank stare*

7. He only hits you up on Facebook or twitter

I know this guy, lovely fella so I'm not going to cuss him but I am going to call him out for the foolishness he did. This guy had my number, email, MSN, home address, youcatchmydrift but he felt that it was OK for him to only talk to me on Facebook. I didn't mind because he was cool so when I was online and he was online we spoke, you know, it was cool until he asked me out. Eh? I'm not talking about asking me out on a date, he asked me to be his girlfriend. On Facebook. Yes. My question was if we were going to be having some sort of Facebook relationship that I can't 'poke' any other dudes on Facebook because you know "he was my boyfriend." No excuses because this guy was a very out going sociable guy who did not lack confidence, we had actually been out on a few dates before so no. Stupid excuses, unacceptable really. If you have my number why are you not calling or texting me? Hell, there's whatsapp you're not hitting me up on there either.

8. He's not making any effort

The thing about men that my daddy told me on one uncomfortable drive on the M1 to Leicester from Middlesbrough, I remember it like it was yesterday; it was that uncomfortable. My daddy thought it was a good idea to talk to me about men... Daddy, come on! But I sat in silence and listened. He told me that men are conquerors. That's what they do, by nature they live to conquer. He didn't specify however what it was exactly men wanted to conquer but I think we all know. So, if a guy hasn't conquered yet or has indeed conquered already and he's still not making any effort, chances are that he does not want to conquer. He is not interested to the point that he feels the need to make any effort.

9. Out of sight, out of mind

I once dated this guy who I was really crazy about. Let's call him Bob. I dated Bob initially for about 3 months and was totally smitten. When I was with him he treated me like the only girl in the world, no Rihanna. I looked forward to seeing him every weekend. I travelled every Friday from London to Leicester where he stayed to go and see him. Bob however had one minor fault. He didn't like me. Did I know this? No. I was too infatuated with his perfect body and perfect five year plan that I didn't even notice that when I was not with him, he did not do anything to acknowledge my existence. When I called him, he didn't pick up. When I texted he texted me back two days later. I finally decided to break up with him since he just wasn't showing any interest in me when I wasn't with him, I sent him a break up text (don't judge me) he didn't even text me back! Need I say more?