Life Without School

Where to Begin?

2010-06-06T23:02:00.000-07:00

Phew.......it's good to be back, I think.

You know when life throws you so many curve balls that it's hard to even figure out which way is up? That's where I'm at and it feels good to be relying on some old habits.

Reading through some of my old posts has been a good reminder of where I previously found a tremendous amount of comfort and solace. Writing has always been the very best way for me to work through stuff. It's like a part of me becomes accessible through writing that doesn't really show up in any other way.

It will take me a while to get my sea legs back. I can feel my inner critic cringing at every word. Patience. I'm still here. I always have been. My voice as a mother is bubbling up and ready to begin again..........patience.

Talkin' 'Bout Lazy

2009-02-09T14:21:00.000-08:00

So, it seems that my life doesn't leave much time for blog posts these days. I still think about it a whole lot, but sitting down at the computer most days means sorting through work emails and putting out the fires that inevitably come up as this non-profit I've started launches. I've also discovered a new hobby and anytime there's snow, it's hard to stay inside.

Anyway, life does continue in this unschooling life of ours, there's just less time to write about it. I've got a new post up at the other LWoS. It's about being lazy. Check it out and let me know what you think.

Better Days and a New Post at LWoS

2009-01-15T00:05:00.000-08:00

Yep, today really was a better day. It's late and I'm still exhausted, but I'm here, and all is well. Janey did indeed move to her dad's house this afternoon. It feels a little strange around here, but mostly I'm aware that we're supporting her independence and allowing her to try something new. Chances are good, she'll be back. We'll see.

The great news is that tomorrow we go snow camping.....yippeeee. It's our first time and we can't wait. We'll be celebrating Charley's 8th birthday by building an igloo, sledding, and playing around in the back country. Now if I could just get to bed.......

Check out this month's post over at LWoS.

Nighty night!

The Road

2009-01-13T21:26:00.000-08:00

There are times when parenting, to me, feels like a very lonely road. Today is one of those days.

Every once in a while I get rocked to my core and all my fears and insecurities come out and say hello and it's a scary, scary place inside my head. The good news is that reaching out to a few key friends and supporters really helps. The bad news is that I am exhausted in a way that is hard to describe. Emotional exhaustion is a doozy.

Two things happened today which cracked me open and set the floodgates a runnin'. The first, was when another parent let me know that she doesn't agree with my style. Now, admittedly, this is no biggie, right? Strong opinions lend themselves quite easily to criticism and debate. I've known that for a long, long time. Our unschooling life doesn't sit well with all kinds of people. This is not news to me. It's just that in this particular instance, I was being accused of negligence. Some days I can smile and agree to disagree. Today was harder. Some days are like that.

The second thing that happened is that my twelve year old told me she wants to move in with her dad. Ouch. Now, there really is a whole lot more to the story and it's actually not as dramatic as it sounds. Her declaration has inspired some very cool conversations between her dad and I, and we've been able to support her mutually as we navigate this new phase in our co-parenting. But it is a bit of a jolt. Her things are all packed. The boxes are sitting by the door.

I've learned, thankfully, that I have no business taking anything that anyone (irritating criticizers and hormonal pre-teens included) says personally. But I am human, and some days it's harder to remember. As a twelve year old, Janey is simply differentiating. It is her job to push up against me as a mother and find her own way. I'm grateful that she has a dad who loves her and wants to be with her as well. It's nice to have options, I suppose.

The critical parent, let's see. I suppose, I can be grateful for the opportunity to reaffirm my beliefs about parenting. The choices I have made in the way I interact with my children are shockingly intentional. There is very little that I say or do in relation to them that I haven't thought-out, hashed-out, fleshed-out, rationalized, chewed on, and otherwise researched ad naseum. Negligent, I am not. Brave and determined to treat my children with respect? Absolutely.

Raising kids unconventionally rocks the boat. Unschooling makes loads of people uncomfortable. A good friend reminded me that the fact that I treat my children with the very same respect with which I treat any other person, makes some folks uneasy. "Because I said so" doesn't work. "I'm the adult, that's why" means nothing to a child who has been empowered to think and feel and be the person they want to be. Awesome for the kid who gets to experience life on their terms much of the time. Tougher for those of us struggling to navigate the world around us that isn't always able to see the value in our choices.

And so, at the end of the day, I am reminded that it is not my responsibilty to please those around me. It is my responsibilty to be the best parent I can be, and to understand why.

Big News, New Post, All is Well

2008-12-11T22:20:00.000-08:00

No, I haven't disappeared.

All is well, and life has taken some fun, and exhausting, turns. The good news...no, the GREAT news, is that my non-profit is having it's Member Drive and launch Celebration on Sunday, and I've been working like a dog to get it all organized. The bummer is that my newfound full-time job has left no time for blogging....ah well. The kiddos have been on a two week camping trip in Baja with their dad ( cna you say....wah wah?), and return this weekend, so I have a feeling that suddenly I may have far more to write about when my house is once again full of children.

I do have a new post up over at the other Life Without School. Check it out, if you haven't already been over there.

Happy Everything!

Here Kitty, Kitty

2008-11-07T07:25:00.000-08:00

I remember that moment in early parenthood when I knew my life had changed forever. When Janey started to crawl and pull herself up using the coffee table or a chair leg for support, I ooohh-ed and ahhhh-ed and giggled with delight, and then quickly realized that the potted plants and breakable ceramics within reach would have to go. Electrical outlets were outfitted with plastic covers, sharp corners were padded, and the few times I left my purse on the floor, I was cleaning up for what seemed like hours.

I also remember the moment a few years later when many of these precautions were no longer necessary. My kids had outgrown the don't-put-that-in-your-mouth-stage, and plants and breakables were once again relatively safe down low. It feels like ages ago, and every once in a while when a toddler comes to visit, I am reminded myself of those days, and I breathe an enormous sigh of relief when they're gone (not that I don't love 'em, but you know) and I can have my house and my sanity back.

A couple of toddlers are visiting for the weekend, and they're reeking havoc on my sanity.

These particular toddlers happen to be furry and cute and cuddly. They meow and pounce and leap on my window shades without warning. They kept me up last night while they burrowed under the covers and used my legs as scratching posts. This morning I was awakened by a loud crashing sound coming from the bathroom. I like to wake up on my own. I was not pleased.

These cute and energetic kittens belong to my daughter Macy. She bought them with her own money a few months ago....at her dad's house. Don't get me wrong. I love animals. Well, maybe I actually just like animals. But I'm no pet hater, I just don't love the mess. this is when living in two households becomes convenient. Mom says no.....Dad says yes.....sucker!

In the time that I have been sitting here drafting this post, these two holligans have knocked over a potted plant, apparently tipped all the shampoo bottles into the tub (haven't been upstairs to investigate yet), pounced on my keyboard (causing me to have to go back and edit said post), ripped an art project of Janey's off the wall, dumped the bag of catfood that got left on the floor last night, and now appear to be upstairs batting something hard and plastic against the door of my sleeping children's room.

I love the quiet of the early mornings, when the kids are still asleep, and I can sip my tea and be alone with my thoughts. I also love that these little rascals will be heading back to dad's house in a few short (long?) days.

Do I get the mother of the year award yet?

Trusting the Process

2008-11-02T22:46:00.001-08:00

I just came from my first Board of Directors meeting. Not actually, my first one ever, just the first one where I feel as though I've recently given birth and am now handing over my beautiful, precious, sweet newborn to random strangers walking down the street. Okay, maybe it's not quite that dramatic, but it's a little like that.

I've been gestating this baby for well over a year now and several exciting things have happened in the past month which have allowed my kooky little idea to become a reality. Money has showed up, people have showed up, and this really is going to happen.

I knew that inviting people to serve on the Board of Directors was a crucial first step toward the future success of the organization. I knew that I was reaching my absolute limit as to how much I was able to pull off on my own. But I didn't realize how terrifying it was going to feel to essentially hand over this baby.

It's not like I'm done. I suppose you could say I'll still have frequent visting rights.....shared custody, even. But I have officially released my ability to be a governing body of one. As of tonight, my dictatorship has become a democracy. Which is a wise choice for an organization, right? Who wants Idi Amin, or Hitler running their non-profit?

But I'm not planning mass genocide....I just had this idea. This really great idea, and I can't make it happen alone. Intellectually, I know it's all happening the way it should. Intelligent, creative, enthusiastic folks gathered around my dining table tonight for over 2 hours to discuss the future of the organization. Important decisions were made. Difficult questions were raised and concerns were addressed. It's all good news. Except that I'm scared.

It's a familiar feeling: Scared that if I let go, things may not happen the way I think they should, or thought they would.......horrors!! Could it be that I don't actually know it all? That there may be some ideas that have never even crossed my mind? Wow..........when it comes down to it, I suppose I should be relieved. It's not all about me.

But I'm still scared....and attempting to let go, and trust the process.

Which is why I'm even writing this post tonight, in the first place, when I really should be in bed. This whole giving birth and then giving away my baby metaphor is really just exactly like parenting, for me, in a life without school. Every single day, I am faced with yet another reminder that this household, these children, this life, is just not all about me. Sure, I've got some great ideas, but I often get myself into trouble when I attempt to perform exclusively in the one woman show. There are three other opinions and viewpoints and perspectives which demand my consideration and attention, and quite frankly life is much more peaceful when I keep that in mind.

It's tempting to play the dictator, especially when I'm in a hurry or grouchy or tired. I'm taller, and older and sometimes have a louder voice. But democracy works a whole lot better around here. My kids know this intuitively, because for them, there has never been another way. It's nice to sit on a Board of Directors that can gently (or not so gently) remind me when I forget.

And by the way, all this talk about democracy reminds me....if you haven't already voted, or if you're looking for more information, check out Colleen's post. It rocks. GOBAMA.

Happy Birthday to Me

2008-11-01T23:08:00.000-07:00

It's been a fantastic day.

Presents. Left over Halloween candy. Birthday wishes from long lost friends on Facebook. Hilarious cards from hilarious friends. Packages in the mailbox. Goofy phone messages that I will listen to repeatedly for days. What's not to love about birthdays?

I put whipped cream in my coffee (yes I did). I climbed to the tippy top of a mountain in a crazy, windy rainstorm (it's way windy-er at the top, I tell you). I soaked in the healing waters of the Wellsprings. I ate amazing Indian take out........ahhhhhh. Every day should be this great. And tomorrow's looking to be more of the same. Brunch with friends. Lunch with other friends. Dinner with a new friend (hee hee). The kids come home on Monday and then we get to celebrate all over again. Birthdays should last weeks.

On my walk I got to thinking (10.5 miles of solitude will do that), what is the point? I mean, really? I'm a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an ex-wife, a neighbor, a planner, an organizer....I'm all these things that intersect and fill me up and break me down and make me happy and flip me out, but what is the point of it all? And I think I figured it out about 100 yards from the top of that mountain. The whole point is to be the best me that I know how to be. Period.

It's a whole lot easier to raise these kids and live this life without school that we've got going on at our house when I make the time for my little a-ha moments. It's easy to forget that I really only have one job....to be me.

Gettin' it Done

2008-10-28T13:38:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those (knock on wood) days where the kids have been playing for hours and haven't needed a thing, except for treehouse supplies. I love these days.

The quiet house (their rooftop treehouse is over by the toolshed) and the chilly day outside are making it easier for me to plow through some of this paperwork. It also helps that a friend is bringing us lunch in a bit......am I lucky, or what?

The trick will be to not spend all of my computer time blogging or cruising FB . Man, that's a time suck....but oh so much fun.

So, I'm forcing myself back to work.....here goes. No really, I am.

Back on the Horse

2008-10-26T22:32:00.000-07:00

The problem with taking such a long break from writing is that it's hard to remember that it ever came easily at all. I've been composing posts in my head for weeks now (a good sign, I think), but actually sitting down and typing out the words is a whole different story, as they say.

Lotsa stuff has been goin' on around here. Good stuff, mostly. I'm up to my earballs (as my friend Brigid says) in prospective budgets and board meeting agendas and federal paperwork mumbo jumbo. I wake up in the wee hours remembering the e mail I meant to send the previous day. I daydream about what it will feel like when all this preliminary work is done and my project is actually up and running. And I toss and turn at night wondering if I am completely bonkers and doomed to fail.

With the excitement of getting funded and potentially carving out a job for myself it's been hard to for me to figure out how to strike a balance through it all. Getting out of balance is not such a good thing for me. I get mono-focused and grouchy and irritable and tend to treat those closest to me badly. Up until last week, I hadn't been on a run in weeks. Not a good sign! But Tuesday I laced up those sneakers and forced myself out the door before the kids woke up. I had a feeling that writing would follow just a few days behind.

I'm feeling a bit better. Like I'm taking better care of myself, but I'm still pretty baffled as to how I'm going to tackle this project without abandoning my children and our unschooling life completely. Transitions are hard. I've been working toward this for over a year. I suppose the only way to figure it out is to take it one step at a time.

Checklist for the New Unschooler at LWoS

2008-10-05T23:36:00.000-07:00

I've got a new post up at the Life Without School Community Blog. All this back to school business got me thinking about why we do what we do......let me know what you think.

International Car-Free Day!

2008-09-22T00:15:00.000-07:00

Happy Car-Free Day everyone!

If you are able to be car-free today, join thousands (millions??) of us, all around the world, celebrating healthy transportation choices. If you can't be absolutley car free, at least think about what it would take for you to ditch the car and walk...or bike......or take the bus...or roller skate....or whatever, even for just one day.

The kids and I will be tabling at our local CFD celebration downtown. It's going to be a fantastic event.

Go ahead. Park the car.

Sore Tongue

2008-09-17T16:02:00.000-07:00

Ouch.......I've been biting my tongue a lot this week.

Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about the parts of my life which feel inconsistant. At park day last week a few of us got to talking about housework and chores and who does what. As the conversation carried on, I felt really clear. I've written here about my struggles with expecting (premeditated resentment, right?) help around the house on my terms. Most days I'm able to keep the nagging at bay, and take responsibility for my own needs for "neat and tidy" without demanding it of others. I ask for help or make my needs known and let others pitch in and help without demands, bribes, nagging, whining....whatever. But a few days passed and the conversation haunted me a bit.

I hadn't actually been walking my talk lately. It's not that I had suddenly assigned chores, or demanded made beds by noon or anything, but something about the whole housework situation wasn't sitting well with me. Mostly, I think it's about expectations. I've been carrying around an expectation that everyone else in the house has the same level of need for "neat and tidy". Not true. I think I've also been carrying around a beilef that if I remind sweetly (rather than nag loudly) that dishes go on the sink or remind someone (who will remain nameless, of course) that shoes go under the bench (for the one millionth time today) that one day I would wake up and these little annoyances will be gone.

The kids and I talked about it yesterday and I explained that I didn't think I was doing such a great job letting go of my need for control in this area and that it didn't feel respectful. I had lots more to say, but their eyes were glazing over and Charley suggested I just pay him for chores like at his dad's house and they'll get done real quick. Whatever. It's not so much a conversation that needed to happen but a shift on my part. More alignment with my beliefs, I suppose.

Therefore......I've been biting my tongue A LOT today. Shoes are not under the bench (ghastly!). Dishes didn't make it into the sink (horrors!). But I think I'll live. And it feels a bit more peaceful inside me.

That's a good thing....right?

2008-09-16T19:41:00.000-07:00

Living with a hormonal pre-teen is taking all the patience I can muster these days. I find that when I hear Janey's footsteps coming down the stairs and into the kitchen, I often feel like hiding, or pretending I'm on the phone. It can be grim.

Tonight, I got home from the grocery and she was upstairs listening to music with Charley. I didn't hear any screaming or ranting, so i breathed a sigh of relief and started dinner. Then i heard the footsteps. I braced myself, but continued making pesto (yes, it was delicious, thank you).

Janey walked into the kitchen and stared at me. Her face went from grimace to look of confusion in a split second.

Janey:"I can't remember if I was mad at you before you left for the store."

She looked perplexed. After a moment of strange silence, we burst out laughing.

Me: "That's got to be good thing, right?"

Thank god for the laughter!

Blech!!!!

2008-09-15T20:58:00.000-07:00

We're all recovering from the stomach flu around here.

Yuck.

Thank goodness I wasn't sick until after I had to scrub vomit out of the carpet at 2:00am...that would've sucked. Today was actually a sweet day. We were all in varying degrees of recovery, but done with the puking. We watched movies and napped and played card games and read. macy made Jell-O. No one really needed to eat until tonight, so it was an easy, and low energy day.

Looking forward to tomorrow.

Ride Naked.....or Not

2008-08-31T19:43:00.000-07:00

The weather really took a turn this weekend. I know we'll still get another heat wave before Fall arrives officially. I haven't harvested nearly enough tomatoes for this to actually be the end of summer weather. But today, I actually had to wear a sweatshirt.....all day. That's unsual.

For some, it would also be unusual to see a woman riding her bike down the street....completely naked. But not for us. You see, in our town, we have Naked Girl.

Naked girl moved here a few months back. Seems she feels very strongly about her right to be naked whenever and wherever she choses. Our town has some relatively relaxed nudity laws (breasts are fine, genitals are not), and she has come to relax those laws even further.

Some folks get all bent out of shape when they see Naked Girl, riding around in her birthday suit. Motorists honk, and holler, and wave, and shake their fists. I kinda think that's the response she's going for.

At the bus stop one day, an elderly woman went on and on to me about how careful we all had to be now that Naked Girl was around. "You just never know when she'll appear. How dare she! Next thing you know she'll be going to bed with men....right there on the street!" The woman glanced at my three children with a scowl. "How dare she!" Funny how a naked body equals "going to bed" in our part of the world.

Another time, while riding the bus, another rider shared her disapproval with me as Naked Girl passed us in the bike lane. "I mean, I don't mind so much. It really doesn't matter to me if she wants to be naked. I'm just sorry for you," she nodded toward my kids, and lowered her voice to a whisper. "At least I don't have to protect my children from her!"

The thought of protecting my children from Naked Girl never even entered my mind. I can think of a whole bunch of things I'd like to protect my children from, and nakedness is not one of them.

Violence, war, famine, disease, greasy fast food, drugs, sure...but nakedness? Really?

Now don't get me wrong, I can think of a lot of other things I'd rather do than ride my bicycle naked (ouchie). Especially on a chilly day. But, hey, to each his own. Today, Naked Girl was on roller blades, and a friend rode the bike with the trailer holding the sign proclaiming "We're Naked!! Just like God made us!" Her friend's tan lines revealed her inexperience.

As I rode to the library, I passed them. Then they passed me. Then I passed them. Then, at the red light, Naked Girl nearly knocked me off my bike trying to stop on her blades. She looked cold. But happy.

I'm guessing that living life without school might have something to do with our lack of freak out energy toward public nudity. I suppose that the more time one spends in an environment where you always have to wear shoes, let alone clothes, the less comfortable one might be with a glimpse of the human body.....au natural. Ah well. In the meantime, I'm going to give up a little more gratitude that we've chosen a different way.

Be naked. Or not. But do ride your bike as often as possible. It's good for you, and good for the planet.

Shooting Stars, over at LWoS

2008-08-31T19:40:00.000-07:00

The Life Without School Community Blog is running an old post of mine from this time last year. If you're not going back to school this week, you'll know what I'm talkin' about.

Happy Not-Back-to-School everyone.

Bad Boys and Mean Girls

2008-08-30T13:29:00.000-07:00

Our homeschool park day is always a good opportunity for me to do some thinking about this whole parenting thing. Earlier in the day, I had read one of Scott Noelle's daily e mails. In it, he challenged us to think about our tendency to want our kids to be "nice". He goes on to suggest that kids provide an excellent example of how to not stuff our feelings. As adults, many of us have learned how to hide our true feelings in a given situation in an effort to be socially acceptable. Nice people are easier to be around. Pleasant people generally don't push our buttons. When our kids act out their true feelings, it's often not very nice.

My son Charley is seven and a half. He has no trouble acting out his true feelings. When he's angry, you'll know it. When he thinks you're being unfair and he doesn't want to play with you, he is unafraid of letting you know just that. Being nice is not important to him. That's not to say he is never pleasant company. He is also thoughtful and curious. He can be joyful and carefree and adventurous. He is playful and courageous and sweet. But when he's mad or frustrated, look out.

What I struggle with, is navigating through the perceptions other adults I spend time with have about my son. So many parents feel the need to teach their kids how to be nice. When I'm feeling particularly anxious about Charley's behavior, I fall into the same habit. Coaching him through a nicer way; a kinder, gentler way of interacting with others. But when I find myself doing this, I'm left with a yucky feeling inside. It doesn't feel like it's serving Charley. It feels like it's serving me.

Maybe people will think I'm a better parent if they hear me tell Charley that he shouldn't call people names. Maybe so and so will have more respect for me if I tell Charley that "we don't say things like that in our house." Because, really, what's happening when these phrases jump out of my mouth, is that my feelings of insecurity and inadequecy are showing up in a big, big way.

I know that Charley knows how to be nice, just like I know that he knows his own name. No one needed to teach him how to be himself. He just is. And part of who he is, is a child who experiences life in a big, big way. Sometimes that experience is loud and annoying and hurtful. But I'm not convinced that I need to teach him how to do it differently.

At park day, a younger child came over to the blanket where the moms were sitting, upset that Charley had insulted his weapon. I cringed. No one wants to be the parent of the child that is not being nice. I expressed that it sounded like Charley was feeling upset for some reason and that maybe leaving him alone for a while would be a good idea. I've spent a lot of time and energy in the past "talking things out" with my kids and their friends when one of them is struggling. I still think that this is often a good idea, but I'm beginning to think that what I would rather do is model an attitiude of detachment. We all seem to take everything so personally.

If Charley insults my weapon, it's really not about me......or my weapon. It's about Charley. We don't insult one another when we're feeling strong and confident and happy. Rather, our darker, negative emotions tend to rise up to the surface when we're feeling crummy inside.

One of the most insightful things I've heard lately is, "What other people say and do is a reflection upon them, not upon me." When I think about what I would like for my children to learn in this life, it's not how to stuff their feelings or how to change who you are so that others will like you. I would much prefer that my children learn that they do not have to be a victim of someone else's experience. If Fred is having a bad day and doesn't feel like playing, I don't have to take that on. As a good friend says, "It's not your dog, so don't walk it."

As the other moms and I talked about this issue at park day, we grappled with the implications of letting our kids learn their own lessons. One mom suggested that she felt it was important to help our kids understand that there are certain things that you just don't do or say in social situations. I'm not so sure. I think we may be selling our kids short by assuming that they can't figure this out for themselves.

I have felt the need in the past to explain to Charley that people don't like to be called names and that so and so may not want to play with him if he calls him an idiot (man, I hate that word). But Charley has experienced this on his own. He has seen the reaction that he gets from other kids (and their parents) when he explodes in anger. It's obvious that it makes people uncomfortable. More often than not, Charley doesn't really want to play either, and what he's actually looking for is a way out. He doesn't need me to show him how to be nicer. Rather, I think he's looking for support of another kind.

I've found that this support doesn't come in the moment. It comes later in the day, when the anger has cooled and no one else is around. That's when the heart to hearts happen and we are able to talk about "stuff". What I've learned from these talks is that Charley doesn't need me to teach him how to be nice. He needs me to accept him for who he is, and to not take it all so personally.

Ahhhhhh...Vacation, at last.

2008-08-21T11:26:00.001-07:00

It's hard to remember to do the regular, normal, everyday things when I'm on vacation. Sitting on the beach, swimming in the lake and reading my book are pretty much the priorities, but my head is full of thoughts and inspirations after last weekend's HSC conference.

It was a fantastic 4 four days, and I have so much to reflect upon. Meeting Colleen and Jerry from The New Unschooler was a huge highlight, as was my first official speaking gig on Sunday. I was terribly nervous going into it, but once I got started, it was hard to stop. Familiar faces in the audience (thansk Colleen, Molly and Gretchen) certainly helped remind me that I was going to be okay, and the feedback I got afterwards was amazingly positive. I did end up buying the audio CD (is that too weird?). I'm a little afraid to listen to it.

So much more to share, but the river calls.....Grandma wants a picture of all 5 grandkids before we leave to go rafting on the river......should be interesting.

Off to Sacramento

2008-08-13T21:39:00.000-07:00

We head out early tomorrow morning for the HSC Learning Wihout Limits conference. It is certainly one of the highlights of our year, and always reminds me of what it felt like to be a newbie discovering unschooling for the very first time. Now that six years have past and we have moved away from California, there are friends we only see once a year at this conference. We all look forward to the amazing connections with so many homeschooling families, the juicy chats by the pool, and the inspiring speakers and workshops.

I'm looking forward to meeting a fellow unschooling blogger. Colleen is a fantastic writer and does an amazing job sharing her experience as a new unschooler. I'm so glad we'll get to meet face to face!

I'll be presenting a session on Sunday called, "This Unschooling Life". I'm terribly nervous and can't remember what in the world I was thinking when I wrote my proposal. My sessions in past years have always been very hands-on family style learning stuff. This will be my first time sharing my experience as an unschooler to all adults! No cutsie games or crafts to hide behind.....accckkkk. Wish me luck.

Back Again

2008-08-07T10:13:00.000-07:00

I've been just a little busy this month with raising three kids, launching a website for my soon-to-be non-profit, dealing with computer crashes (man, that sucked.......still sucks, actually), working, spending juicy, fabulous time with my sister and her kids, preparing to present next week at the HSC conference, and trying to relax (what's that?)and enjoy the summer.

Now that I have my computer back, I'm hoeful, I'll be able to spend more time sharing with ya'll the joys of this unschooling life.

Oh yeah......I've got a new post up over at the other Life Without School...check me out.

100th Post!

2008-07-10T15:19:00.000-07:00

Happy 100th post to me!

It's only taken me 10 months to get here, phew. Somehow I feel accomplished, and tired. And proud! Dang proud. I've spent a lot of time in the past telling myself that I'm just not cut out to be a writer. This blog is one of the teeny, tiny ways I'm proving to myself that I can be a writer. (can too!)

Tomorrow Janey and I are taking a little mini road trip. She'll spend the weekend with her grandparents (thanks Mom and Dad!) and I get to hang out at a beach house with my girlfriends from high school. This year marks our 20th high school reunion. I know, I know. Hard to believe, cuz I'm so darn youthful.

I'm looking forward to the laughs and the walks on the beach as well as the walks down memory lane. We'll eat a lot of See's candy and Chickie Dip (cream cheese mixed with salsa...who knew?) We'll probably watch old Seinfeld and Friends episodes (Can you Spare a Square?) and laugh about our white pumps, neon hoop earrings, frosted pink lipstick and feathered hair. We'll go through the yearbook remembering old crushes and arch enemies. We were a dorky bunch, and we had a lot of fun. These gals make me laugh like no others.

Not long ago I was telling the kids about the 80s: the hair-dos, the music, the politics. Later that day we were riding in a 1984 Crown Victoria (don't ask....it seemed like a good idea at the time, I'm trying to sell it). The kids fiddled with the power window buttons and ran their hands down the smooth velvety covered seats. Janey noticed immediately that there were lighters and ash trays at all four windows.

"Mom, why in the world would a car need so many lighters....and ashtrays?"
I fumbled for an answer. "I don't know sweetie. I guess it was a lot more common for people to smoke back then."

Now whenever I talk about my teenage years, the kids refer to the 80s as: "That time when everyone smoked." I read the other day that driving conventional cars will be like smoking for our kids' generation. If only we knew better.

Summer Schedule - Day 2

2008-07-08T10:15:00.000-07:00

So today is Macy's second day of Theater Camp. It only took two tries to get her out of bed at 7:30am and on the 8:30 bus. This is a huge transition for a family accustomed to staying in their pj's until noon most days. I knew she would be fine with it all, but I wasn't so sure the rest of us would be fine.

We're used to being together. For the past 12 years, we've spent most of the hours of most days together, and this summer is rocking that boat in a big, big way. I posted the other day about how the universe is presenting me with many opportunities to practice letting go of each of my three kids. First Janey went to Ecuador for 10 days. Then Charley went to Seattle for 8 days. Now Macy is attending a theater camp, all day Monday thru Friday for the next 5 weeks (5 weeks!). There's no doubt I'm experiencing a bit of the empty nest syndrome (how will they possibly make it without me? just fine, apparently).

I knew that this week was going to be tough on Janey, I just didn't realize how articulate she was going to be about it all. Janey led the way several years ago with her passion for theater. She has always been comfortable on stage and loves to sing and dance. Being the oldest, she has naturally had more access to classes and camps and performances, up until now. In May, when it was time to sign up for auditions for the theater camp she decided to bow out. the schedule was too intense, she didn't want to give up her summer. It seemed like the right choice. She had no idea her sister and her two best friends would actually all be accepted. Last night, things came to a head.

At bedtime, she sobbed while I rubbed her back. Through her tears she explained how much all of this really sucked. Not only was she being left behind each day as her three favorite playmates ventured out on the bus to days filled with drama, music and dance, she was questioning her ability to know what she actually wanted in life. Being so scheduled and busy didn't seem right for her. Being the one left behind and missing out on so much newness and fun didn't either. How in the world was she going to get through the next five weeks?

As she expressed herself so clearly I tried to just listen. It absolutely sucked. There was no reason (yet) for me to try to make it all better. My mind raced with ideas about how she could create a fun summer for herself, but I bit my tongue for a while. When she finally paused to catch her breath, I checked in. I let her know that when she was ready, I had some ideas about how she could still get what she wanted this summer (time with friends and fun activities doing things that she cared about). I reminded her that as much as it sucked right now, it wasn't a mistake that she hadn't auditioned for the camp. It simply meant that she was now available for something else. Something wonderful that was yet to be discovered. She dozed off while I smoothed her hair.

Today is a better day for Janey. I walked Macy to the bus stop and went for a run up in the hills. When returned, Janey and Charley were awake and had made themselves breakfast: chocolate cake and ice cream. I suppressed the urge to freak out (not going to fight this battle) and noted how everyone was smiling and no one was fighting. Ahhhh. Today we're going to find out about the requirements for volunteering at the animal shelter and the science museum. It's going to be another smokin' hot day, so we may take in a movie. Even though we will miss Macy tons, it's going to be a great day.

Go Ride a Bike

2008-07-07T23:02:00.000-07:00

We get around on bikes. It's just what we do. Since relieving ourselves of individual car ownership, there's no such thing as "going out for a bike ride" anymore. Once your bicycle becomes your primary mode of transportation, there's rarely (never) a need for simply riding around.

Every once in a while, we'll run into someone who doesn't know us well while out on our bikes. If the weather's good and we look happy, the person may make a comment about how nice it is for the whole family to be out on a bike ride. Um, yeah it is. It's how we get places. The bikes are more than just toys or a way to fill a Sunday afternoon. They have a higher purpose.

We look at bikes from a very utilitarian perspective. A good bike has fenders for when the roads are wet. A great bike has lights for nighttime riding and a bell to signal before passing other riders. An awesome bike has a rack on the back and a bungee cord for hauling a load. A groovy paint job is fun, but it doesn't stand a chance next to smooth shifting gears or a fat, cushy seat. My kids get that. It makes me proud.

People are often perplexed by our decision to live life without school, and I'm constantly looking for new metaphors to explain our lifestyle. Tonight as we were riding home (on bikes....in order to get home) from Ballet in the Park, it occurred to me that unschooling can be best described as simply a different frame of reference. There are those who view school as a cultural norm, a basic necessity in the growth and development of young people (but what do you do all day if you don't go to school?). The frame of reference for these folks is grade levels, school years, book reports, final exams, graduations and report cards.

Unschoolers simply live with a very different frame of reference. This afternoon, Charley and I spent a few hours swimming at the reservoir. Macy was at Theater Camp (her first day, she loved it, more on that another time) and Janey didn't feel like coming with us. Janey called to check in with me as we were packing up to leave and said she was bored. I made a few suggestions and she eventually decided to head to the library.

When we all met back up at home an hour or two later, Janey unpacked her bag. She placed her new library books and her Summer Reading Program Folder on the table. A few weeks ago she picked up the folder at the library when one of the children's librarians asked her if she wanted to earn prizes for reading books. Duh. Of course she wanted to earn prizes for doing what she already does everyday. She explained how she had completed her forms and listed the numerous books she had read over the past 3 weeks, and was excited to cash in on her prizes. Unfortunately, the volunteer librarian informed her that she was missing one very important thing. Her parent's signature.

Janey was stunned. Why in the world would she need the signature of an adult to verify her reading? How stupid is that? She ranted for several minutes about how Perii (her favorite librarian who "gets" unschooling, sort of) would NEVER have asked for her parent's signature. An interesting discussion followed. It was one of those times when I found myself explaining things that are obvious to those of us who've spent years in the schoolie frame of mind, and completely unimaginable to kids like mine.

Things like:

Being forced to read makes it not all that much fun.
Prizes and grades and rewards are how adults convince kids that learning is fun.
Adults are worried that if kids don't practice learning in the summertime when school's out, they'll forget how all together.

And that's when my kids just sit there and stare at me like I'm speaking Hindi or something. It's just a whole different way of viewing the world. You're either out for a ride, or riding your bike.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

2008-07-05T11:33:00.000-07:00

I've heard it argued that homeschooling parents keep their kids home from school because they can't deal with their own separation anxieties. Something about not allowing their kids to spread their wings and be independent.

Hogwash, I say.

My experience is that kids who don't go to school are for the most part, amazingly independent. They often have self confidence in spades and have loads more time than their schooled neighbors and friends to practice independence in a variety of places and circumstances.

What is true, for our family, anyway, is that we spend a lot of time together. Because I work from home, and my kids don't spend 35 hours a week in school, we end up being together more often than not. In my case, this is a very conscious choice. I like being a mom. I like being with my kids. We have fun together. Even when we are driving each other crazy, hanging out with my family is what I choose to do. Now that my kids are getting older and asserting their independence more and more, there are times when we are apart, and I'm realizing that it's quite an adjustment for me.

There's no doubt that I'm attached to my kids (you bet, and proud of it!), but I don't buy the argument that this creates an unhealthy attachment or an environment for squashing their independence. It's just that I really do miss them when they're gone.

Last April, Janey went to South America to visit my sister and her cousins. It felt like a very big deal, and I missed her terribly. However, I knew that it was the right thing for her. Despite my anxiety about sending my 11 year old daughter to a foreign country, she had the time of her life and I'm sure she'll never forget it. I'm also very aware that I was envious. I wish I could have gone. No fair!

Today, I get to pick up Charley from the airport. He's spent the past 8 days with his cousins in Seattle and will be flying home on his own. Honestly, I never dreamed I'd be picking up my youngest (age 7!) from the airport by himself! Holy cow! How did this happen? The trip came up very spontaneously, and Charley was game every step of the way. Although I've missed him, and have worried at times that he is awfully young to be so far away from home for such a long time, I know that our lifestyle without school has prepared him for this in every way. He didn't need to be convinced. He knew he was ready. He knew he would miss home, but that the opportunity to spend a week with cousins, away from home, was too good to pass up.

Our phone conversations this week have gotten longer and longer, and although I know he's having a blast, I can tell he's ready to be home.

Next week, Macy will begin a 5 week theater camp. She'll be gone 9 hours a day, Monday through Friday. This commitment is seriously challenging my unschoolish self. It is very structured and attendance is strictly enforced. This isn't my idea of a relaxing summer schedule, but she is thrilled. Although she'll be home with us in the evenings and on weekends, I'm already anticipating how much I'm going to miss her.

Despite my longing to have my children close, they sometimes choose to be away from me. I don't always love it, but I know that it is important for them to decide when and how to leave the nest for a little while. I think it's possible that a life without school, and full of possibilities, is allowing them to know when it's time to stay and when it's time to go.