Seriously?

Little Big Man

2013-09-30T19:01:00.002-04:00

Kiddo started Kindergarten.

I cried.

The Husband cried.

Seeing his little self getting on that bus with his big Ol' Backpack and his Purple Crayon name tag, it was a bit overwhelming. I had to dab my eyes in the car and sink back against the seat. I worried all day about his First Day. Would he find the bathroom? How was the cafeteria working out? He was fine. More interested in playing his DS when he got home than tell us ANYTHING about ANYTHING. He was rather calm.

Then a few days later, the Fundraiser Crap arrived at the house.

OMG.

They have to sell Five Items to attend the BMX bike show.

Holy crap monkeys.

It took me an hour or more to wade through everything. Here's the deal, he can't read. I can. Therefore, who is doing the work?!

We survived the First Fundraiser with minimal injury. I see Second Fundraiser is labeled on the school calendar for October.

Goodie. Hoping I don't have to sell anything ya know!

But I digress....

I see my Kiddo get bigger every day. He's somewhat reading. He tells outlandish tales that I have to warn the grandparents over and over again...THEY ARE NOT REAL.

He had a little girl calling him 'a baby' on the bus. For days he complained about being called 'a baby'. Then one morning I happened to over hear her... "HEY BABY". It was not A Baby, it was HEY BABY.

Really?! She's FIVE!

And he's all offended....

Too cute...

And that's True Parental Love Folks...

2013-09-10T20:55:00.001-04:00

What is True Parental Love?

Some might say it's staying up all night with a sick little one, while not changing their puked upon clothes, nor sleeping, nor thinking straight.

Nah...that's for sissies.

Some might say it's putting their child in the Best School/Daycare/Preschool.

Nah...that's no fun. Lets go with one that is sorta shady and let the kids duke it out!

But no really...in the past few months I've compiled a List of True Parental Love markers.

Feeling every stinking freaking fracking Angry Birds Mystery Pack at Target/Walgreens/whereever until you find one that you THINK might be the Darth Vader Bird and THEN paying $3 for the damned thing.

Buying the Yoda Bird and C3P0 Bird on Amazon because you've felt way too many bags already and the clerks are on to you.

Feeling up the Legos Mini Figures Mystery Packs in the same regard. Only these damned things are so alike you can't begin to tell what is inside. I give up, I'm not going to find the Knight. And I'm not buying it on Amazon. Life will go on...and his Birthday is over.

Getting hit in the face with a Baseball...by a very enthusiastic six year old. Before my 20th Class Reunion...and laughing about it...the next day.

Filling out all these Fund Raiser forms. Really? He's in Kindergarten. He can't read. He trusts us. I could be writing anything!

Running an online Facebook auction for friends to 'bid' on being the 7th Postcard I needed to complete his Fund Raising Goal for tonight. My ad featured 'a handwritten autograph by a very cute six year old who may or may not be famous someday!' Plus it guaranteed that they did not need to purchase anything to receive card and must promise not to purchase anything when they did receive it. I had a pile of 'bids' and now have a secret stash of addresses to use in the future.

That my friends...is True Parental Love.

That and handing your kid the last home made roll at dinner last night because they didn't feel good and didn't want 'chicken again'.

My rolls are damned good...

I guess I love him.

Almost there...

2013-08-22T05:58:00.002-04:00

One more week of Freedom for Kiddo...Then Kindergarten begins.

Thus begins Homework, Teacher Conferences, Lunch Room Drama, After School Activities, etc etc etc.

I'm not sure I am ready for this.

I'm seriously having a bit of an anxiety attack over it.

What if they bring home Algebra? What will I do?! I can't do Algebra, nor Geometry.

I know they won't bring that kind of work home for a few years, but I am still sweating it.

I cannot break down in tears in front of my child at the kitchen table over an acute triangle.

That and Ratios. Holy crap. Ratios are closer than Algebra.

Can we rewind just a notch?

I'll love you....

2013-08-12T20:45:00.000-04:00

Kiddo turns 6 on Saturday.

Where has the time gone?

He's gone from the itty bitty baby that we brought home from the hospital to this gangly six year old that is commandeering my cell phone on a regular basis and operating the TV remotes like a pro. He has not been introduced to the Playstation/Nintendo/Wii yet, but The Husband and I have a lovely surprise for his Birthday morning. A bright shiny red Nintendo 3DS. I'm so excited, and I have no idea why. I'm just going to see the top of his head for the next 20 years.

He's knocking on 50 pounds and I am going to have to adjust his car seat AGAIN. Imagine my dismay when I found out that after 50 pounds we can no longer use the LATCH system and have to move on to having it secured by the seat belt. What the hell? The LATCH is just so much simpler. Now The Husband and I have to figure out how to feed the seat belt through, fight out in the driveway, get sweaty and hot in the backseat (and not in a good way) while cussing the whole train wreck.

I did an online height estimator on him and it projected him to be 6' 4". OMG! How am I supposed to feed 6' 4" when he won't eat beef of any type? Or much in the way of processed foods? Or most cereals? I cringe at the thought of buying 50 pounds of baby corn and baby carrots every week. I don't think they make that much French dressing!

He's got an obsession with all things Star Wars, Angry Birds, Angry Birds Star Wars, and Legos (PS...dear Legos company. You can kiss my ass. Your impossibly hard and overpriced Legos sets are the bane of my existence. I for one am slightly jealous of your genius and marketing, but on the other hand...well, you can kiss my ass).

He's in a new school for the summer. I am not a fan. But it will be Ok for a few more weeks. There isn't much structure to his day. He isn't getting to draw as often. Apparently they don't read very often either. They do play. A lot. And he is outside. A lot. So I guess it counts for something. I'm just ready for him to start Kindergarten. I miss his old preschool terribly, to the point I schlepped his behind up for Vacation Bible School last week. He had an absolute blast and The Husband and I managed to slip in two mini dates. One to Waffle House and one to GameStop to finish up his birthday.

He will willingly wet his hair now. He spent four hours at the pool at one of our campgrounds this summer and came out with perfectly dry tousled hair. However, last night, in the shower, I catch him ducking his head into the water and giggling with glee. He is also wetting his comb on a regular basis to 'make his hair look nice' in the morning. Before, if you just mentioned water he would start shrieking as if we had drowned him and then rolled him in ground glass.

My baby is growing up into a Big Boy.

But I still get my cuddles at night. My child still will not go to bed alone. So I am still trekking upstairs with a book (some nights) and my Iphone (more nights) for a bedtime story/video. Then we cuddle...and whisper...

"Kiddo...I'll love you forever and ever"

"I love you too mom. Even when you get old and die...I'll still love you"

Makes a Mom proud a little...and somewhat skeeved out...but proud.

All the magic

2013-05-18T09:58:00.001-04:00

Kiddo lost his tooth last night.

This has been an ongoing process...with weeping and wailing, some excitement, some more weeping and wailing. All very Kiddo style.

Last night it just fell out. While he was eating pizza...at 1030p at night.

Long story short, Kiddo has strep, The Husband let him literally sleep five hours yesterday afternoon, so he partied hard until 2am when I gave up and we went to bed. I just opted to doze on the couch while he watched the Kung Fu Panda marathon and drank his juice. The Husband had an out...he too is sick so he was asleep.

But anywhoooo....

Kiddo very matter of factly announced he had lost his tooth. Holding it in his hand in surprise.

He leaps off the couch, runs to the bedroom to announce it to the half conscious Husband, and races back to me.

Then his little eyes filled up with tears.

"Now I HAVE to grow up mom"

All the magic was in that tooth...

Foot in Mouth

2013-05-14T20:28:00.001-04:00

For once it wasn't me that said something really stupid...

Not 'I'll be out of your hair in a minute' to a patient that is clearly wearing a VERY bad toupee.

Not smacking a band aid onto a patient...on their ass...yeah that was great.

I've had a few foot in mouth moments...more or less from trying to make a patient feel slightly better, crack a joke, fill up empty silence in a room while a patient sits in the corner and seethes about their copay, waiting time, the fact I make them step on the scale and don't share in the fat jokes.

But the biggest foot in mouth came when a certain patient came in.

And it wasn't my foot...

You see, Kiddo has to switch daycare in the next few weeks. The one he is at is in the wrong county/district from where he will have to go to Elementary School. This has been a mess of a decision.

Our county is not the hot bed of high end child care. Or really even mediocre childcare. There are only two licensed facilities. One of which I described two summers ago as being Ain't No Way, and the one that I'll now refer to as Chuck.

You'll see why.

As the Chuck employee and I are talking, I find out a few things.

Apparently Kiddo's new daycare does A LOT of field trips in the summer.

Like A WHOLE lot. Three a week.

Of which I was unaware.

Uhm...okay.

When she and I spoke, I was only aware of McDonalds Fridays, and bounce houses.

I wasn't aware that an hour away pool was involved...every week.

I didn't care for the pool idea. Kiddo DESPISES water and doesn't swim. I could just imagine someone thinking they were funny and throwing him in.

I just stay silent as I sort medications, and enter vitals.

She then starts to describe the inflatable water slide they get.

So I am probably glaring at her when I said 'Oh, hmmmm really? Kiddo doesn't care for water, he'll probably just chill out on his towel' (which is what he usually does on water day)

She scowls at me...then laughs. Like a weird laugh.

The Oh-heres-a-mom-protecting-her-wittle-boy laugh.

You know the laugh.

She then announces 'Oh, we just take them up and chuck em down anyway'.

I pause. I blink. I get her pharmacy information and I leave the room.

I immediately text my husband that we have to switch daycares. This wasn't going to work for us.

Crap.

There was one hold out daycare. A small church that had opened a preschool a few years ago. As far as I knew they didn't have summer care, only during the school year. But I'll just leave him at the one he is at currently for the summer and just deal with him knowing no one in Kindergarten.

So I call.

Guess what...they do have a summer program. A small summer program.

With a few field trips and an option for kids to stay back at the school if the parents aren't comfortable with the travel.

Oh...that's cool.

A director that is super nice. And communicative.

The Husband goes by and does a drop by tour.

He likes it.

I leave work today with Kiddo and we head straight there. And I tour it.

Kiddo makes fast friends with a little boy his age that he will be going to Kindergarten with.

I hand over the enrollment forms.

I'm out $40 from the admission fee for Chuck. Oh well.

It's worth it to not have to Chuck a teacher down a water slide.

Not cool.

Not what we had expected...

2013-04-29T20:16:00.002-04:00

A new couple moved into the neighborhood a couple of weeks ago. We heard they had a four year old boy. I was excited. Finally, another kid that Kiddo could possible play with and get his ya-ya's out with on a regular basis.

I dreamed of another mom I could hang out with and talk.

I'm sure The Husband had a plan too. Hoping for another guy to hunt with. Or talk cars and trucks.

The Husband and I were honestly just hoping for another normal(ish) couple ...our standards are getting pretty low considering some of the parents we've run into at Preschool and Kindergarten registration. And since the Best Friends moved to Maine, we've been rather lacking in close social circles.

So we waited for a nice evening to stroll over with our freshly potted planter of herbs, and say Hi.

Up we strolled and caught them outside playing.

Introductions were made. The kids hit it off, they dashed inside...we followed while doing the whole 'oh, we don't mean to stay long' kind of thing.

A half an hour later, I was packing up to leave...having had just about enough.

The mom is definitely not someone I want to really hang out with, or talk to very much. I don't see wine glasses on the back deck in our futures.

The dad...well...he liked telling us about all of his tattoos. (I have two...so I can't talk. But I haven't randomly flashed body parts to complete strangers and explained the meaning behind each one...EVER).

She politely scowled when I explained that I am not a Stay at Home mom.

The Child. Oh The Child.

He was not nice. To the point Kiddo doesn't want to play with him ever again.

He threw things. He yelled. He apparently wrapped something around Kiddo's neck and tried to choke him. He told Kiddo to leave more than once.

Kiddo just didn't know how to take this.

I didn't either. I wanted to park their kid in time out...all by myself. Sort of a 'citizen arrest' kind of thing.

Rather eye-opening I think.

Oh the DRAMA

2013-04-14T07:30:00.002-04:00

Kiddo is Five and a Half.

BIG KID.

All registered for Kindergarten, official Big Kid stuff.

So far he has survived elbow scrapes from the bicycle. Knee scrapes. A 'possible' broken wrist from a playmate at school.

But the drama that ensued yesterday morning when I brushed his teeth was of epic proportions.

My child's face got beet red.

He blushed.

He then turned purple.

And then....

He started wailing.

Righteous wailing.

Know why?

He has a .... Loose Tooth.

Yes, my dramatic child who does not like change (he doesn't think he does) but is so freaking adaptable that I don't have to worry about throwing his schedule off...

Has a Loose Tooth.

Oh the Horror.

He cried for an hour. Big gulping sobs.

So matter how much I hugged him and whispered to him.

We even emailed The Husband so that he could call us and be the first to know.

He bawled through that conversation.

He cried talking to my mom.

He cried in Walgreens.

It was a sight.

Eyes all red and puffy. Sniffling. The whole nine yards.

A nice lady in the allergy medicine aisle asked if his allergies were acting up, to which he started wailing again and reaching for me to pick his fifty pound tail up. I had to explain he had his First Loose Tooth.

She just looked at me funny.

But the first tooth that made its appearance in my precious baby's mouth, will be the first tooth to fall.

I'll have to video it when it does come out.

This should be good.

It's been forever

2013-04-12T20:42:00.003-04:00

It's been absolutely forever since I sat down and blogged...again.

I think I wrote this apology a few months ago...might as well copy and paste again.

Working 40+ hours a week, having a five year old that is constantly wanting my attention...and regular life...I just want to sit and stare when I have a few moments of peace.

The Husband I were talking the other day about our dream weekend. His is some kind of sports car touring weekend...I started hearing blah blah blah increased insurance rates...blah blah blah.

I just point blank looked at him and said. My perfect weekend would be a giant bag of Doritos, a six pack of very cold bottled Diet Mtn Dew, and a good book. With silence. No dog, no phone, no kid, no husband. Silence. I'd like to pee in peace. Not have anyone tugging on me at every moment. I constantly feel like I'm being touched all the time.

I feel tugged on at work. Patients, Insurance, Pharmacies. My Doctor is awesome. I lurve her.

I feel tugged on at home. The Husband and I try to have conversations, but I usually tune him out halfway through because Kiddo is yanking on my chain.

The Husband and I are too exhausted and cranky.

Kiddo is full of energy.

We need a weekend away.

We did a Family Vacation and had a fun filled week at Disney World. Awesomeness!

But The Husband and I need some time together.

By the way, Kiddo has been Registered for Kindergarten.

O. M. G.

And again...

2013-02-08T19:41:00.003-05:00

Kiddo has had an on again, off again relationship with ear infections.

I thought we had broken up with them forever and ever...

But alas, like a crazy old Ex that won't just find a hole and crawl in it, Ear Infection #25 found him today.

I'll take a five year old with a double ear infection over the screaming hot mess of an infant that he used to be.

Nothing will make a mother's heart drop quite like seeing the name of the Preschool flash up on the cell phone.

Husband was available to manage the pick up, bring to the doctor (where I work haha) and wrestle in the waiting room.

But my Mommy Proud moment came when I got to bring my own child back to the room and check him in.

I am biased, but he was by far, the best patient of the day.

I explained I wasn't Mommy right now, I was Dr B's Assistant. He did so well. Explained how his ears felt, talked like the Big Kid that he is becoming, and overall was just awesome.

After it was all over, I gave him two suckers.

Not many kids get two suckers.

Noah

2012-12-18T20:08:00.002-05:00

I am not the most religious person on the planet.

I question God. I question the whole notion of a 'supreme being'. I question them all. Hindu, Jewish, Christian, etc.

I was raised Methodist. I am more than happy to experience various religions and find their traditions fascinating. I bow my head along with everyone else. I'm not a screaming Atheist that doesn't want people to pray...ever. I have no problem with it. What they feel is what they feel. What I feel is what I feel. I respect their feelings and find the experiences educational and spiritual in my own way.

But I've never felt religion deeply. I accept them all for face value and keep happily plugging along.

But Kiddo has started asking about God.

I mean, the child goes to a Church Preschool. He's starting to wonder who this 'God is Great' guy is all about.

The Husband and I have not been big on going to Church. We just haven't. Lots of excuses. I won't list them.

So I picked up some Bible story books for Kiddo's age at the Library.

After last week's events in Connecticut, I figured it was about time to try a little soul searching.

So we read the story of Noah last night....

I thought he'd be more interested in the animals all on the Ark.

Not so much...he was more interested in the rainbow at the end.

But when I read the paragraph "God watched them, these people who would continue the world. Humans are not perfect, God thought. There is an evil corner in their hearts. Perhaps they will learn goodness one day. In the meantime, I made them, and must accept them as they are".

Oh wow.

And it was not lost on me that they buried little Noah yesterday. In Connecticut.

But my heart has healed a little. Just a crack. Just a smidge.

A tiny bit.

Trying

2012-12-17T19:53:00.001-05:00

I'm trying.
Really I am.
I'm trying to not look at my five year old and cry.
I want to kneel down in front of each and every child that comes into our practice and hug them.
I want to pat the top of all their beautiful little heads.
The little girl with glasses and missing teeth today was the most beautiful child ever. Her smile was just stunning.
And I had to turn and pretend to send a fax as my eyes filled with tears.
I can't talk about this at work. I can't talk at home.
I am attending my son's 'Sing Along' program tomorrow and I know I'll cry at some point. Hoping to make it to the car afterwards before I let it loose.
Because there are twenty parents in Connecticut that won't get to do that.
Instead they are burying their children.
That's just so wrong.
So very very wrong.

Grief

2012-12-16T11:57:00.001-05:00

I heard about the Connecticut shooting at work.
I heard three people were dead. Oh ok...another co worker shot up fellow coworkers. Domestic issues gone wrong.
I was so very wrong. Very very wrong.
In this town in Connecticut, there are 20 sets of parents of first graders that are having to deal with Christmas presents, empty rooms, dirty laundry, and the loss of their child.
How do you go on?
I've cried myself stupid.
For my own sanity, I have not read a report, nor watched the news since Friday. I cannot get on Facebook either.
I want to curl into a ball and sob my eyes out for parents that I don't even KNOW. The grief is so striking...so painful. I feel like I've been kicked. I feel sad. Sad isn't a good word. I'm just hurt...
My Kiddo is five. What the fuck would I do? How would I go on? How do you keep breathing? How do you keep moving? How do you not just die yourself?
I couldn't.
I've been to a toddlers funeral. I still grieve for that child, and it's been seven years. She was not mine. I was not a mother at the time of her death. But I still grieve. Her parents have pushed through and are just wonderful people with very full lives for their children. But I cannot for the life of me imagine having to push through.
I can't imagine the fear and terror these children experienced in that chaos...I cannot imagine their pain and confusion.
I just can't.
I flash to the face of my own child and the thoughts of what I would do. I keep putting myself there.
My heart aches. It just hurts so bad. I want to get in the car and drive there and hug someone and say I am sorry. So very very very sorry.
As I hug my fiesty child that has no idea this horrible evil ever happened.
My five year old.
With his presents from Santa waiting in the closet.
And his dirty laundry strung everywhere.
And I am grateful that my child is safe and well, and happy.
But those poor parents...those poor families...it hurts so badly.
That town will never be the same. How do you heal from that? How do you ?
I have no answers. Just grief for these parents. The hopes that the news story will change.
But it won't.
And these kids are gone.
And the Christmas trees are lit.

A Tale of Two Turkeys

2012-11-24T20:43:00.004-05:00

Ahhhh...the Tradition of running all over three states for the Thanksgiving Holiday had to be given up this year.

With Great New Job, comes the fact that I had to work on Friday after Thanksgiving.

So , no travelling.

My parents, both being sick, didn't come in.

My inlaws...well....nevermind.

So it was going to be a Dinner for Three.

I voted to go out to dinner.

The Husband voted to order dinner.

Kiddo wanted to 'do it right Mom'.

Which meant Biggest Turkey Ever, corn, rolls, carrots, and pies.

Here's the kicker...Kiddo has NEVER eaten the Traditional Meal. Ever.

Last year, I had to stop at Waffle House in North Carolina and feed him. He literally had not eaten for three days because he refused all the Traditional stuff.

I knew in my heart he wasn't going to go for this...but maybe, just maybe if we took him shopping he would be into it.

Off to the grocery store we go...armed with coupons and savings.

Kiddo promptly picked out a 22 lb turkey.

Yes, TWENTY TWO POUNDS.

No amount of convincing or talking would get him to give up on The Biggest Turkey Ever.

So we put Big Bird in the cart, and trolled around for the rest of the fixings.

The Husband and I kept eye balling each other sidewise, and like the team that we are, without saying a word, he picked up Kiddo as we were nearing the end of the store to take him to the salad bar to get a 'snack'.

Wink Wink Nudge Nudge.

I hoofed it back to the Freezer section as fast as I could fly. I dodged down the aisle when I heard his voice pipe up.

I hoisted Big Bird out of the cart and flopped him back into the bin.

I mashed my pinky finger in the process.

I frantically rooted for the Smallest Turkey Ever.

I settled for a 12 lb'r.

I raced back to the check out.

I informed the clerk to ring the Bird up first and stuff it quickly into the canvas shopping bag.

NOW! Here they come!

Operation Turkey Switch was a success.

Kiddo talks about eating the turkey leg...the big slices of the turkey...and all the fixins.

Thanksgiving Day dawns...the Bird is being prepped for the oven.

Kiddo admires my handiwork...watches it all day...ohhhhs and ahhhhs when I take it out of the oven.

I'm so proud to lay the thick slices on his plate with the pretty sides I've labored over all morning.

We say Grace...three times. Three different ways.

And Kiddo proceeds to ....

EAT. NONE. OF. IT.

He had corn, carrots and a roll.

*Sigh*

Next year, we are hitting Golden Corral.

Pain

2012-11-05T19:50:00.001-05:00

Today I established as a New Patient with the Awesome Doctor I work for.

It was odd to say the least...to be the patient.

I did most of my paperwork early on...had my prescriptions loaded in, along with getting information from the specialists I have seen over the years.

Awesome Doctor reviewed them as they came in...my Breast Biopsy and Breast Cyst Saga...my Cervical Stenosis from Hell...the Allergy Testing I had done last year...and my round with Shingles this spring.

It was interesting to read up on the different ailments and their outcomes.

I did realize something...I'm really pretty luck. I'm not suffering from High Blood Pressure, or Diabetes. I'm overweight, but I am no obese.

Most of my problems are pain and joint related...in some form or fashion.

And as we chatted, I realized I am in Pain such a large amount of time that I don't remember what it is like to NOT hurt.

I have Fibromyalgia as my base pain. So in other words, I hurt all over pretty much all of the stinking time. I was not diagnosed until 1999, and even then I had a hard time getting a doctor to listen to me. I was in such misery, and sure I was dying from some unknown tropical disease. I had one physician tell me to just 'get over it'. Yeah, sure. Let me get right on that. I tried anti depressants...and pain medications. They didn't work very well for me at all. I had to finally figure out that it wasn't going to kill me...and I had to learn to cope. And cope I have.

Then you add in herniated C-5, 6 and 7 in my neck. Turn the wrong way too fast folks, and I am DONE. As my Neuro put in his notes "stuck in the neutral position". I remember that well...I wanted to throw up from the pain, but I don't think I could have bent my head to do so. I still live in fear of that moment again...I won't even get on a roller coaster...ever again.

Now I have come kind of weird pain in my left knee and ankle. They hurt. Not every day...but mainly when I am ovulating. Excruciating! I know! Go freaking figure! She flexed my foot and pushed on it...then my toes turned blue. I know! (again!) Weird.

Honestly, I was just hoping my feet didn't stink and my stubble on my legs weren't showing too badly.

All in all it was a good visit. I'm glad I did the establishment. It was good to kind of spell it out all for someone so that they have the full story in front of them.

So I now have in hand some lab work paperwork, and xray orders. Gonna see what this next round of joint pain is all about.

I'd love a massage right now.

Twizzler Snitch

2012-11-02T19:42:00.002-04:00

I love Halloween.

I adoooore Halloween.

I absolutely love the fact that Halloween is so much fun, and such a guilt free Holiday. As I have stated before, no one gives you grief over spending too much time at the in laws on Halloween, or eating their Special Halloween Dinner and not Theirs.

Kiddo has such a good time. He plans it out well in advance...say March.

This year was no different.

This year we are allowed to dress up at work. Some employees go all out, some are simple. My Doctor (whom I love) and I are trying to coordinate. Contemplating my costume was a task within itself. I needed something that didn't show my bosom or ass. So that took out most costumes on the market now.

Then I needed something I could work in. So that takes out another huge portion of available costumes.

I'm irritated.

Till The Husband points out my red scrubs...and a pair of devil horns.

THIS is the reason I keep him around folks.

My Doctor agrees to small angel wings and a little blinking Halo.

I think I may have offended a patient or two...and was called a 'horny devil' in Target by a guy that I am not sure if he was or was no in costume. I think he just looked like a scary pervert on a daily basis.

Trick or Treat time at the house! Rush home...throw some hot dogs in...run Kiddo to the Neighbor Who Hates Halloween's House so she can dump an entire bag of fun size M&M's in his bucket...then lock up her house and leave for a few hours...

And the Trick or Treaters began.

First set...at 6pm...Batgirl...SuperMario and a teenager dressed as a prostitute (I think it was a witch...but I am not sure) and Mom.

I give them goodies...the little girl exclaims over my Twizzlers...awwwww she's cute! So I hand her more.

An hour later, we have a lull, I'll take Kiddo to a few houses.

Hit another neighbor, round the corner...hit another neighbor...

Then we get to The House.

At The House...the Prostitute Witch is in the car in the driveway putting makeup on her boyfriend.

I walk past...to their well lit porch with well lit decorations and pumpkins.

Kiddo rings their doorbell.

And it is answered by The Mom...who then proclaims to my five year old child..."Oh, I'm sorry sweetie...we aren't giving out candy!"

To which I replied... "Your light is on".

"It's on a sensor...I need to shut it off"

"Yeah, you do...you're going to get your doorbell rung all night...come on Kiddo"

We turn to go, and I see Batgirl standing in the doorway...eating a Twizzler.

Kiddo busts out with 'She got that at our house!'

My loud reply was thus "Some people just have no manners baby...they take from you but won't reach into their own bucket to give any back. Have a good night!"

Some people just need their house toilet papered.

Creating Family Memories for 57 years...

2012-09-22T17:24:00.001-04:00

My ass.

The Adventures in the Pop Pop have begun, and what a doozy our first trip turned out to be.

We decided to journey to Williamsburg, VA to use our Military Appreciation Passes to Busch Gardens. Researched the local campgrounds before picking one that I will not name here...he's gotten flamed enough by my hot ass in the past week. I don't need him linked to me here.

I read the reviews, and a handful expressed displeasure in 'train noise'. Most people had fun and enjoyed the campground.

Big deal...trains are everywhere. I can hear the trains from my house. Some people are sensitive.

We looked at the map of the campground...plenty of space...looked pretty good.

Close to Busch Gardens.

Sounds good.

Packed up, hooked up, headed out.

Problem #1: We arrived after dark.

Problem #2: The spaces are so damned narrow and short, that the 'back to back' complete sites will not accomodate two campers comfortably. Especially trying to angle in after dark.

The spot we had been assigned was already taken over by another camper. It wasn't his fault that we couldn't fit. It just wasn't happening. So we assigned ourselves an empty pull thru site and set up for the night.

We were enjoying the conversation of the retirees next door, when Problem #3 arrived.

The Trains.

HOLY SHIT...they were not fifty feet away...and rolling at full speed...with horns blasting...

I nearly peed on myself.

The Husband looked at me. I looked at The Husband. We looked at The Retirees. They looked as shocked as us.

Not Kidding.

I could feel that train all the way to the top of my head...

The world shook.

Rather uhm...eye opening.

Ok...they'll not run all night...right? I mean...people have to sleep and this place has been in operation for '57 years' according to their website.

Oh Fuck Yes...they ran all night. Every. Half. Hour. from Midnight until 6am.

Kid you not.

Amtrak, Norfolk Southern, CSX. You name it. They rolled by.

So hard and so fast, that they literally knocked our camper off level.

I had visions of a car derailing and wiping us all out around 3am.

Thanks to everything holy, Kiddo slept through it.

The Husband and I did not.

There is an 'I Love Lucy' episode where they were in a hotel next to a train track.

It was something like that.

When Dawn finally broke, and we took inventory of ourselves and understood we had indeed survived the night... my bleary eyed self staggered from the camper, I snapped this photo...

Yes...that is a Freaking Freight Train. I am standing at my Pop Up Camper Door. What you are also seeing is a corralled empty Tent Camping Site.

Holy Crap.

There were Tent Campers even closer than we were...and they were not amused.

Upon closer observation of this 'family campground' in the daylight, it became VERY clear that it was literally built on a narrow strip of property between a main highway and a railroad. Three rows for campers...that's it. The ones lucky enough to be on the 'far end' backed up to the major highway. There was no peace in that campground. None.

The bathhouse is in major need of rennovations.

The sites were narrow and cramped.

Then there was the added bonus of the shaking....and horns....and fear all night long that you were about to die.

I did not complain to Management. I blame our own stupidity on this one.

I didn't read the reviews thoroughly, I did not research enough...we got screwed.

And we were there for another night.

Needless to say, I had already typed out my reviews for Trip Advisor and Yelp! before I had finished my first cup of coffee and uploaded them...photo included. If I could save one person from that nightmare, it'd be worth it.

A fun filled day at Busch Gardens, Dinner out in Williamsburg, we dragged ourselves back to the Pop Pop and settled in for the night.

Only three trains that night...and really only one big one.

That didn't mean we lingered on Sunday morning. I don't think we've ever broken camp and hauled ass so fast.

Yeah, they created a Family Memory...not one I care to relive...

Popping it Up Again

2012-08-31T20:50:00.000-04:00

Back before Afghanistan called The Husband away, you might remember that we had an awesome little Pop Up camper.

She was small...and cheap. And we enjoyed Camping very much.

Well...except that hot ass night in Myrtle Beach when the break blew at 2am and we didn't have air conditioning. Sleeping with the flaps unzipped all night as the security golf cart circled around and around and around and around..did I mention AROUND....all fucking night long. With his orange blinky fucking twirly light.

We sold the Pop Pop right before The Husband left, and we've missed it so.

Caught the bug again on our last trip to Hatteras to mooch off a friend and borrow his house for the weekend. We HAD to drive around a campground, and we began to miss ol Pop Pop.

Craigslist here we come!

You can find everything on Craigslist. Beat Ass Furniture. Beat Ass Cars. Beat Ass Hookers. Weirdos and People Who Post Ads but Are Scared to Sell Anything to Normal People.

We found campers we liked, emailed the seller, only to be told it was sold.

Then TAKE DOWN the FUCKING AD MORON.

Shit.

Not to be detered, we found more campers, and emailed more sellers.

A few foreign scams, some 'no it was sold an hour ago' emails, and some folks who just never replied...

Finally...we scored!

Only Camper Dude was NERVOUS as HELL.

We are normal. We look normal. We talk normal. We drive normal vehicles. We have normal money.

I mean seriously...WHO runs a scam wearing an Army uniform, scrubs and has a really good looking five year old in the back set?

He was one nervous Camper Dude.

I really thought he was going to tell us no and turn our cash down.

But he didn't.

We brought our new Pop Pop home last weekend, and we are taking it for a one night spin tomorrow night to a local campground to make sure nothing is crazy with it.

Cause it is going to DISNEY in February!

WHOOOOT!

Monkey Child

2012-08-20T20:55:00.002-04:00

I started this blog as a rant about the happenings at Kiddo's Fifth Birthday Bash.

From parents making out in my kitchen...not once, but twice...to uncontrolled children and folks who thought it was OK to drop their child off and leave without EVER telling me...to guests randomly parking in my neighbor's driveway...even though the entire cul de sac was available.

I typed it all out...inserted a graphic...tried to move it...lost it all...tried to get it back...hit Save instead...it was lost.

Oh well.

So instead I'll go down Memory Lane.

I've spent the past five years with a child that pretty much cried the entire first year.

Didn't sleep...EVER.

Made me cry.

Made me smile.

Made me worry.

Made me wonder.

Made my heart soar.

He is the smartest, brightest, most well behaved child in the History of Children. I should know...according to my mother, I was the exact same way.

As all mother's tend to think of their children.

Even though there are days I want to flick him between the eyes.

That seems to be my go-to instinctual reaction to many of his antics.

I don't flick him...I just WANT to.

I marvel at that little hand that still wants to hold mine.

When he sleeps he looks EXACTLY the same as he did when he was an infant.

Some mornings, when he is stretching to wake up, I see glimpses of that Newborn squirming around and making faces.

I love my child so much it hurts.

I want my child to succeed and be happy.

To live life.

To enjoy.

To pay fucking attention once in a while.

To listen.

Yeah right.

I still go to bed with him every night. I don't think he knows that I do not sleep with him.

Most of the time I don't sleep with him. There are still mornings that I wake up in the RaceCar bed with feet in my face.

And I will continue to go to bed with him as long as he will let me.

Because someday he won't want to hold my hand, or cuddle on the couch, or tell me the latest storylines on the Avengers or Spiderman.

My Monkey Child...oh how far we have come...how far we have to go.

And as I write this, I've had to threaten to take away the most obnoxious toy ever because he won't stop making it talk...over and over...without letting the toy finish its line...so I just keep hearing 'I am Iron' 'I am Iron' 'I am Iron' 'I am Iron' 'I am Iron' 'I am Iron'....I am about to scream!

I may go flick Iron Man between the eyes.

Love you Monkey Child...it's time for bed.

Two lines

2012-08-19T12:07:00.003-04:00

My BFF up and moved to Maine a few years ago, and she and her Hubby are enjoying themselves immensely.

However, they have been unable to have a baby.

I felt oh so guilty when I got pregnant with Kiddo and had to tell her. She was truly happy for me, and helped me so much while The Husband was gone to Iraq.

I've missed her terribly since she moved to Maine...

She and her Hubby registered with an Adoption Agency back in the winter. Through home visits, and recommendation letters, baby classes, up and downs...and a lot of lost sleep...she got her two pink lines!

All day Friday, I paced six miles from the desk of the LPN I was training with, to my work station, and back again...checking for a message from her after the gazillionth conference call with the potential birth mom.

But alas, the confirmation didn't come down until Friday night at around 1045P.

She and her Hubby will get to bring Little Boy home in October.

I'm so happy for them!

I want to be closer to her, and go to her baby shower next month...and help her register like she did for me...

But she is surrounded by a great group of folks, and she is soooo happy.

I can't wait to meet him...and see her smile and be the mom she has needed to be for so long.

*happy sigh*

Happy to Report...

2012-08-04T18:06:00.001-04:00

I passed my Medical Assistant Certification Test!

Not only did pass the test....I scored a 90!

The first twenty questions had be nearly convinced I was taking the wrong test. There was so much on phlebotomy. I was ready to raise my hand and make sure I was logged in for the correct test when it flipped over to the ONE EKG question.

I was shaking like a leaf the whole time. I focused in and accomplished it though...I am so proud of that.

Big kuddos out to The Husband for taking Kiddo out every single night that week to poke him full of ice cream, trips to Books a Million, and various other activities. This meant Kiddo was wired up every evening and didn't go to bed until nearly 10p every night, but I got some good quiet study time in!

I am CERTIFIED! YAY!

I also turned in my two weeks notice. They offered me a pay raise and didn't deduct the three and a half hours out of my paycheck where I was out for my test.

I stood my ground, even though I felt a twinge of sympathy and guilt, and stuck with my 'this is a great opportunity' speech.

I leave on Thursday this week.

As I keep reminding them.

I am NOT working another Friday like yesterday. About an hour in, I was clearly reminded as to WHY I am leaving. Once again, I packed up my stethoscope yesterday in hopes I grow a perfectly large set of cajones this weekend and don't show up on Monday.

But I am nicer than that. I'll go in...and cuss all day in my head.

I couldn't hear myself think, I couldn't think, and I wanted to hurl a clipboard at a co worker because she wouldn't answer the fucking phone...kept acting like she didn't hear it.

I've bought my binders and page protectors for my new job. I'll have lists of passwords, resources and notes organized. There will be no more sifting through post it notes taped randomly on a wall.

I hate random notes taped to a wall.

Sometimes You have to Suck it Up for a While

2012-07-25T20:47:00.001-04:00

My new doctors office leaves a LOT to be desired.

They are cluttered.

I hate clutter.

They are stupid crazy unbelievably crazy busy.

Busy is fine...but every day I feel like I am on the fucking floor at the Stock Exchange...slinging charts and post its around. Yelling across each other to find this blood work, that urine, this CT, that XRay.

There is NO Structure. And the employees don't seem to mind. They work in a tornado...

I absolutely cannot stand it.

I send The Husband at least one text a day lamenting my desire to quit, run away, and never go there again.

I haven't even asked for a key.

Because I really don't want one. I don't want to have the ability to go in early...or on the weekend.

I don't CARE anymore.

I want to leap across the desk and yell at patients for being assholes.

I want to sling charts straight up in the air and tell everyone to pretty much suck it.

But I haven't.

I've managed my southern charm and professional ways.

And I landed a brand new job.

I turn my resignation in to Hell Job on Friday.

I'm hoping they tell me to just leave. I want to mail the letter tomorrow and say Fuck It. But...I'll be professional and not throw gasoline on the bridge I soooo want to set on fire.

I start my New Job in August. With a new doc, in a structured corporate group practice...with rules, and no clutter.

Imagine that...No Clutter. A dedicated Front Desk and Billing Department. I don't have to tell people what their balances are or get yelled at.

Sometimes you just have to suck it up for a while.

And the big benefit, I get two weeks vacation, a year...starting NOW. Not January 2014 as is my new company policy.

Yes, you read that right. And by the way, it was only ONE WEEK in 2014. I had to wait unitl 2015 for two weeks.

And....I got a 20 cent on the hour raise!

I did the Happy Butt Dance in the driveway...

Summer Time

2012-07-12T22:27:00.000-04:00

Just some pics from our summer so far...

Kiddo's Costume Interpretation of Spiderman.

Yes my friends...that IS underwear as Spiderman's mask.

Riding a Bike! When did Kiddo grow up?!

Very first School Bus Ride. It was a shuttle to the Patriotic Festival at Virginia Beach, but he didnt' care...he was on a bus.

Virginia Beach...right before she knocked him over, rolled him around, threw him out on the sand, and rolled him again. He never lost the hat. But he refused to go near the water for about three hours.

Blue Angels Rock

Cape Hatteras National Seashore. Yay for being able to drive out and 'set up camp' for the day. Boo for the new $120 fee to drive out and 'set up camp' for the year.

SuperMan Monster Truck while stopping to see Grave Digger

My little Archer! Quiver is a paper towel roller wrapped in Army Duct Tape. He's pretty damn good if I do say so myself. He managed to lose Bow Privileges for a week because he was shooting at the TV.

Iron Man. Bicycle helmet and Lightning McQueen Headlamp

First Fireworks/Concert. He yelled 'Awesome' the whole time.

Beginning of the Most Miserable Heat Wave EVER

Continuation of Most Miserable Heat Wave EVER

My Kiddo. He's pretty awesome.

I can't see when I do this...

2012-07-08T11:55:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was Kiddo's first trip to the Eye Doctor.

I've talked it up for a week...trying to prep him.

There are no shots at the Eye Doctor.

There are no blood pressure cuffs at the Eye Doctor.

They don't take blood at the Eye Doctor.

The Eye Doctor is super cool.

He wasn't buying it...at all.

A Freak Out occured on the way to the Eye Doctor...a total Melt Down getting out of the car occured in the One Thousand Degree Heat Wave Infused parking lot.

But, by the time we got in there, things had simmered down, and Kiddo was more interested in all the gears and gadgets the Eye Doctor had.

The Husband went first...since his Eye Exam consists of 'read the bottom line' 'look at this light' 'everything looks good'. Only this time, one small snag. He has to go back for dilation at the end of this month because his retina is thinning. Very common, but the Eye Doctor wants to check it.

Kiddo hops right into the big chair and reads his letters...lets the Eye Doctor shine the lights...follows the pen...and even manages to do the depth perception and color blindness tests with ease.

No screaming, no fighting...no fits of any kind.

It was a Heat Wave Miracle!

You don't know how relieved I was.

You see...when I was five...the Dumbass Eye Doctor that my parents took me to showed me pictures of houses and chickens.

Well, Fuck. I could see those were house and chickens. Blurry as hell, but I knew what they WERE. If they had shown me letters, like my mother demanded, they would have picked up on my vision problems much earlier than the Third Grade When I Coudn't See Shit.

But then again, my Mom didn't take me to another eye doc until I couldn't read the damned score board at a basketball game. So there is plenty of blame to go around...but I'm not bitter. It would have just meant I would have been wearing those stupid thick ass glasses much earlier and recevied a few more years of teasing.

The Eye Doctor to Kiddo "Are you having any problems with your eyes? Do they feel ok?"

Kiddo ponders a moment, and very matter of factly looks at the Eye Doctor and says "One Problem. I can't see when I do this"

And he shuts his eyes tightly.

What is a Derecho?

2012-07-05T22:02:00.002-04:00

Last Friday...this Wall of Terror came roaring from the Great Lakes to pretty much terrorize 600 miles of people that had no idea it was coming.

It was called a Derecho. Please feel free to Google.

Basically it's Wall of Terror, combining high winds, hail, heavy rain, unbelievable lightning...and did I mention Wind?

I saw said Derecho on my Facebook from my Wxrisk guy.

Hmmmmm...I said. As I am sipping my iced lemonade on the back deck...Tiki torches blazing, watching Kiddo play in the pool...sweating but not too badly. Hmmmm... What the Fuck is That?

Big line of RED roaring down upon my parents.

So I called said parents.

Said parents are headed up the mountain to a catfish tournament (big deal in Hillbillyville).

I told said parents to get their asses home...

Said parents scoffed and said they were going to get their beans (bowl of brown beans and cornbread), then they'd head home.

This is the same parents that call me everytime it looks like it 'might' snow a bit. And panics when we are under a tornado watch. My Mother will literally text me constantly to ask if I am Ok...'look to the skies'...etc.

Again...I tell said parents to get their asses home. They had about thirty minutes.

Said parents say Ok...I don't believe them.

I showed The Husband the radar. The Husband frowns...we both hope it fizzles once it hits the Blue Ridge.

I call said parents a half an hour later. I've been watching the Radar, and my Facebook is now full of up to the second weather/power outage/trees down/carnage reports in the area.

Said parents can't get home. They sought shelter at a former classmate's house and are hanging out in his basement while the winds roar.

I told you so.

I watch the Radar...

And I realize...Shit...this shit isn't fizzling out...it seems to be getting stronger.

We should be ok...really...no alerts up for here yet.

Take Kiddo up to bed...read some more reports of weather/power outages/trees down/carnage from back home.

Watch Radar....we should be Ok...I think.

Get ready for bed...grab a shower...find a flashlight...take dog out.

Shit.

From the back deck you can see the strobe lights flashing.

Only it isn't strobe lights...its lightning.

Something wicked this way comes....and we are screwed.

We have one lantern that works...the flashlight is questionable.

We'll be Ok.

Climb into bed...turn on the TV.

And the power goes out.

SHIT.

Flashbacks of Hurrican Irene roll through my mind as The Husband and I wait for our eyes to adjust to the dark...and as The Dog immediately starts pacing like a maniac...

Then we tried to find the flashlight and lantern I had set out...

Yeah...that was fun...along with stepping on various Avengers in the process.

Why do we have to have this kind of storm...I am so not prepared.

At least I could see that one coming for crying out loud. I didn't have time to shop, or anything in preparation. I'm just standing here...watching my trees bend and the lightning flash...

The Parents call...they are home...had to wait on folks to clear the road of the fallen trees. They have no power and as my mother put it 'it looks like a bomb went off'.

Goodie.

I didn't tell them we didn't have any juice, nor that the sky looked like a strobe light. No need to add to their present situation.

I stand on the back deck and press down the urge to panic.

Then our crazy backyard neighbors start acting weird.

The wind is HOWLING...the strobe lights are keeping it so lit I can watch everything...

And they are out in there in the backyard with flashlights waving them around like lightsabers.

Surely a tree didn't go through their house...I didn't hear anything.

What the fuck are they doing....

And the rain drives them inside.

Kiddo wakes up...

We realize this is not going to be good.

And we wait...and I pace...and I pace...Kiddo is asleep in the middle of our bed...the wind is screaming...

I'm standing stock still in the dining room staring out the back door. Listening to random things thunk against the house.

I watch the radar but I don't have much battery left on my phone...

The Husband's phone is Dead. Of course.

Suddenly...poof...it's done.

A few more strobe lights...and its black outside...and still.

Too still.

This is weird....really weird.

We access we have no damage...and see other neighbors flashlights blinking in the darkness.

Crap....its like 110 degrees outside during the day...this is NOT going to be good...at all...ever.

So we go to bed...all three of us in one bed...on top of the covers...and The Dog laying in the floor.

It's silent...and you can hear each of us breathing...and The Dog is nervous.

He hates the dark...so he's panting...

And Slurping.

And Smacking his Big Boxer Lips.

And Slurping.

Pant...Pant....Pant...

Slurp...Smack...Schlurrrrp...Pant Pant Pant.

Holy Fuck Dog...

I fuss at him....

The Husband fusses at him...

I grabbed the flashlight and stumbled into the dark kitchen to find his Stash of Doggie Valium.

A piece of Cheese and a Xanax later (for the dog)...we settle for the night. It's about 1am.

530a...the Fucking alarm goes off.

You're kidding me right?

Someone...not saying who...didn't turn HIS battery alarm off for HIS shooting tournament this morning.

It's daylight outside...it's gonna get Real Hot soon.

After letting Doped Dog out...and seeing that the neighbors only have a few small limbs down...we converse as Kiddo sleeps.

We have three options:

1) Ride this out with a Generator and a Box Fan.

2) Close up the House, take The Dog to the Kennel and go somewhere for the weekend and run the Credit Card up a bit.

3) Close up the House, take The Dog to the Kennel, say Fuck It and visit the Inlaws.

We debate...I check our stash of food in the fridge and freezer. Other than about ten pounds of chicken breasts, there really isn't any thing that's worth a gazillion dollars of gas and lots of sweating.

So we Close up the House...take the Dog to the Kennel (where he has a back up generator system for the dogs) and we drive to Visit the Inlaws.

Five hours later...we pull into the Inlaws driveway.

It's a Gazillion Degrees outside...

The Husband's freshly charged cell phone rings...

It's our Neighbor.

We got our Power Back!

Of course...that's how it always works.

We were crazy lucky...I mean super dooper Crazy Lucky!

Dear Derecho...I don't need a repeat...Thanks!