Kim's Ponderings Beyond Breast Cancer

2014-12-24T09:40:00.002-06:00

This week a young boy from Sioux Falls passed away from cancer. This morning I read from the Team Tayden FB page, an even younger boy was admitted to hospice. A few months ago, one of the most beautiful woman I loved (Kerri Krump) passed away. And there are so many more lives touched (and taken) every day by cancer.

Six years ago today, as my family waited the cold sterile waiting room of Sanford hospital for 9 hours—I was in the surgery room having my breasts removed. The pain, the emotions, the fear…the questions all return for a visit on this Christmas Eve day.

I remember the morning of my surgery and the hospital chaplin saying to me…someday you will think cancer is a gift. I remember thinking (in not so nice of words)….well, you know what you can do with this gift! Unfortunately, cancer has a ‘no return’ policy. Six years later, I still don’t see cancer as a gift….but please let me share with you what cancer has shown me:

Cancer showed me fear.

—God showed up and held my hand through many friends and family.

Cancer showed me pain.

—God showed up and comforted me through medications.

Cancer showed me fatigue.

—God showed up and reminded me it is okay to rest.

Cancer showed me courage.

—God showed up through cards, words, and love of others.

Cancer showed me love.

—God showed up through others as they walked with us.

Cancer showed me…..that each one of has a purpose in this life….and a choice on how to live it. We can choose to love others. We can choose to forgive. We can choose to embrace every moment of this life.

Now, six years later, I am blessed with the perspective of time.

Yes, cancer robbed me parts of my body and my life. Yes, cancer claimed the lives of some very special people. Yes, cancer sucks!

Cancer, caused by a cell that got it’s wires crossed up…isn’t a choice—and it happens. Left untreated it most likely will kill. To receive treatment is a choice. Surgery, radiation, chemotherapy and many other options are available to help us fight back. Sometimes the treatment works, sometimes it gives a little more time. Cancer affects all.

Lately, my heart is heavy by another disease that is destroying lives and killing many people. It too starts as a small cell that got it’s wires crossed up…and it starts in the heart and left without treatment it grows to bitterness, anger, resentment, etc.

Thankfully the treatment for this disease, costs little—well, perhaps some of our pride, but this gift once given, will be one of your greatest gifts ever.

FORGIVENESS!

Cancer has forced me to slow down…and when a person slows down, they get to see things often missed in the busyness of life. I see so much pain and hurt caused by others to others. Some of it may be intentional, often though I believe it is more of a reaction to their own pain (hurt.) Often, it is a mere misunderstanding…and always it is a great waste of time.

Time…a precious gift!

This Christmas—My prayer and wish for you is to leave your check books and credit cards at home…and give someone who hurt you the gift of forgiveness.

Sunday Ponderings...

2014-02-09T21:39:00.005-06:00

This week I've learned of a classmate who was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer, a dear friend diagnosed with melanoma, a sister of a dear friend diagnosed with cancer and a former coworker (and inspirational influence) diagnosed with leukemia.

Tears...for the hurt this life sometimes offers...

Hope...for the finding of the One true One who wipes away the tears!

This week I also celebrated with my husbands uncle as he completed his round of chemotherapy!

Praises...that he withstood the challenges chemo often brings with it.

Hope...for the finding of the One true One who heals!

Lows...and Highs...

Through it all, clinging on to hope and the promise of the one who gave us the greatest gift of all:

Christ our Lord.

SHINGLES UPDATE: I thought I was kicking the Shingles pretty good...and Wednesday even had a bit of energy to spare...but than came Thursday...and Friday...yesterday--I was still in my pjs at 430 in the afternoon...and today--well, I made it to lunch time--fell asleep and woke up at 230. Geez...I keep telling myself--embrace it, stop fighting it and enjoy that you are at the stage in life where you don't have any little ones who need tending.

REST.

That was one of the hardest challenges I faced when I was going through active treatment for cancer--

and it is one of the hardest challenges I continue to face.

I sometimes feel like a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum. "I DON'T WANNA take a nap."

Well, I decided if I'm going to rest...I'm going to embrace it!

So, I've been reading and learning...

discovering and pondering...

AND listening...

AND believing!

2014 Word of the Year: B.E.L.I.E.V.E.

2014-02-01T19:13:00.003-06:00

It seems as I once again...let too much time escape between blog posts...

This time there has been a reason--you see...5 years ago, Christmas Eve, I had my breasts removed to save my life. Needless to say past few months brought with it a roller coaster of emotions. Let's just say--like many life changing events, a person's walk with cancer is never over...

For the last few years I have chosen a Word of the Year. I started thinking about my word for 2014 in November, just minutes after I heard my oncologist say, "Congratulations, you've graduated and don't need to come back!" As I called my family to share the exciting news, tears of joy flowed. On the phone to my daughter, she goes--"Mom, why are you crying?" Tearfully, I stammer out, "I didn't ever think I would live to hear those words." I started to thinking maybe my word for 2014 would be thankful?

Shortly after that appointment, I came up with the crazy idea to make scrap books for my husband and children. Seriously, whatever possessed me to think I could make 7 scrapbooks (hubby, 3 kids, son in law, son's girlfriend, and grandson) with pictures from the last 27 years--in the 3 1/2 weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas? Well, those 3 1/2 weeks were filled with many tears and memories as my hubby and I worked together to complete this overzealous task. Maybe my 2014 word should be joy?

Urgghhh, a few days before we were scheduled to travel to Montana for our Christmas celebration, we hit a bump--my right breast became flaming red, hot and painful. Off to acute care we went. Now, I haven't ever had a lick of problem with my new “girls”...even through radiation, so this recent development kind of surprised us. For most, when you get a rash--you think, infection? But once you get cancer, it is hard to NOT let your mind go there...the what if's? Thankfully, a shot in the you know where, some strong meds (and prayers) --the rash cleared up and off to Montana we traveled for our long waited Christmas celebration. (It was the first Christmas in 5 years we were all together celebrating the miracle of this special season.) Maybe my 2014 word should be celebration?

January 1, 2014...still no word…I spent some time reading over my goals of the last few years and pondering over dreams. I read blog posts on what fellow bloggers were choosing for the 2014 word of the year. Still no word…

I took a day...to sit...to read...to pray...to ponder...and I heard a whisper...

Believe!

What?

Again, Believe...

Seriously, God...believe???

For a few weeks, I did some more pondering, reading...praying...

And last week...I came down with Shingles.

Seriously? Frustrating…as I have (once again) been spending time on the couch. Thankfully, I have meds to keep the pain under control and rash didn't get that bad, but the fatigue--oh, goodness--did it ever bring flashbacks to the good ol' chemo days. Slowly, I am regaining my strength, but have cleared my calendar the next few weeks from any "extras."

Okay, now back to my word for 2014....

Look what I found in a box of stuff in my basement...

My word for 2014 is believe.

With my unexpected couch time this past week, I have pondered on the word believe.

Why do I think the word believe found me for 2014? You see, when I was going through cancer treatment and writing updates on Caring Bridge--I loved putting words to my thoughts. (Awakening a childhood dream I had forgotten existed.) Shortly, after I was done with active treatment, my oldest daughter said, "Mom, you are done with cancer--don't you think it is time to stop with the Caring Bridge updates?" I will admit, my heart sank a bit at the thought. My dream of writing coming to an end? Seeing the angst on my face she quickly said, "You don't have to stop writing, maybe start a blog or something." A blog? What was a blog? Well,...I went to Google. I remember typing in the words: What is a blog? Followed by the question...How to start a blog. Kim's Ponderings Beyond Breast Cancer was born...and for the first few years, I loved it!

That was until I started to think more seriously about this dream of writing. I began following writing blogs, reading how-to's, researching proper techniques, etc...the more I learned...the less I found myself writing. I started struggling more and more...who was I to think I could ever learn to write, especially since I didn't start writing until my 40's? There is too much to learn...and not enough time (or life) to learn it all.

FEAR strangled any words I had to share.

When I was writing on Caring Bridge...I was too sick to have fear keep me from sharing my words--after all, I had a bigger fear--death?

When I first started blogging...the excitement of learning something new kept fear away.

But when I began realizing what I didn't know...and how much writing would require—fear crept in...Leaving no more room for the writing dream.

Last week when I was sitting on the couch pondering about believe...

It came to me...

God has a plan...and a dream for each of us--but we need to believe this, before we can take the steps to make the dream come true.

So....now it is February 1, 2014!!

BELIEVE.

Ponderings...

2013-11-06T19:54:00.002-06:00

Well, what do you know?

Two posts in a week...this hasn't happened in some time.

Tonight I came across a blog post from fellow blogger, Nancy. Nancy does a great job addressing the "invisible" scars cancer survivors carry with them. You can read her post here: Nancy's Point
Thank you Nancy for addressing an issue that is rarely spoken about...

So, I'm not sure if it is because I am approaching my 5 year cancerversary in December...or the loss of a few friends from this horrible disease, but I find myself thinking a bit more about the cancer journey. Like Nancy shares in her post, cancer is a string of losses and some of us have some deep invisible scars that few will ever know--that is our reality.

But along with that reality, I am beginning to understand the gift that has been given to me through my losses. You see, by staring death in the face--I know my time on earth is limited. This knowledge propels me towards a life I may have missed had I not traveled the cancer journey. While it angers me the barbaric treatment that cancer necessitates--like chemotherapy and radiation--and some of the long term side effects that many of us experience frustrates me---THE GIFT OF LIFE IS SO WORTH IT!!!!!

Thank you for continuing to walk this journey with me...

National Novel Writing Month

2013-11-03T23:04:00.002-06:00

Even though it was almost five years ago, I still remember a conversation with my oldest daughter that altered my life. You see, we had just met my oncologists and learned about my treatment course. To be honest, it was very frightening...hearing that even though I had my breasts removed, I only had a 30% chance of cancer NOT returning. Is it an oxymoron to say that we were thankful I could take chemotherapy which would increase my odds of survival to 70% survival?

It was in this conversation with my daughter that I discovered a passion that laid dormant in my heart. I remember telling her, "You know, K, I'm really proud of my life. I know I have made mistakes, but I tried hard to be a good wife and mother. I work hard at my job as a nurse. I have good relationships with my family and friends....but if I had a chance for any redo...it would be to try my hand at writing." Thus began my journey with Caringbridge, and at the completion of treatment--blogging.

It is hard to believe how my life had changed once I opened up my heart to explore writing. I met new people who quickly became my friends. I loved learning about the craft of writing. Yet, it seemed the more I learned about writing, the less I knew...

and the further away I walked from treatment--the more my passion once again got buried with the details of every day living. It's been a struggle to find the time to write, and when I have the time--I find FEAR stops me from ever taking the next step. Who am I to write? What do I write about? What could I possibly have to say that hasn't been said? So many questions tripped me up...so I stopped writing--and went back to living on excuses.

Not sure if it is because I am approaching my diagnosis date, surgery date, etc...but lately I find myself pondering...and pondering...and pondering. Struggling with the question did the cancer journey mean anything? AND how come I couldn't find time to spend with my newly discovered passion--writing.

I came to this conclusion:

FEAR...is the excuse and FEAR is the stumbling block.

When a writer puts words to paper, there is a risk. What if no one likes my words? What if my thoughts don't make sense? What if my grammar is all wrong? What if, tomorrow, cancer returned?

Do you know what "if" means? ..."I fear..."

As many of you know a few days ago we started the month, November. I don't particularly like November. The only thing good about this month is Thanksgiving. (Which, incidentally is my favorite holiday.) So, how am I going to get through a month that I don't particularly like when I keep doing the "IF" dance?

Well...are you ready for this? I changed my dance steps and joined a challenge. The challenge I joined is called NaNoWriMo, also called National Novel Writing Month. In its 15th year, National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) expects a historic 500,000 writers to join the largest writing event in the world.
The challenge? To write 50,000 words of a novel in the 30 days of November. Half a million people
on all seven continents (including one very chilly writer at Antarctica's McMurdo Station) will set aside the time to write their stories this November.

So there you have it...while I haven't written fiction since a child...and don't really have any ambitions to write a novel, I am excited for this jump start in rediscovering the passion of writing.

How about you? Have you had to learn new dance steps when it comes to doing the "IF" dance?

Happy November!

2013-10-22T21:35:00.000-05:00

Tonight wasn't really any different than any other night...My hubby and I ran a few errands, had supper and we came home. Once home I checked my emails...and Facebook. The thing that makes tonight different...a post by someone on FB...a post that has shaken me...to my core. (I was unable to share a picture from the article, so just click on link below pink ribbon.)

9 Striking Portraits That Will Change The Way You View Breast Cancer Survivors

STOP.

TEARS.

Oh, goodness, I wasn't prepared for my response nor my reactions. When I saw the pictures of these women, I was struck by their bravery. You see, I don't believe that I could share so openly. I realized tonight, that like the pain I live with daily, I keep my scars hidden...

to be seen by no one...

So now I am left with the question...can I be brave enough to shed my garments?

Time will tell...

Thanks for walking with me on this journey!

So many times...

2013-07-06T15:49:00.000-05:00

So many times, I have started a blog post...only to leave it unfinished. So many words...never shared.

Until today...

And today's words aren't even mine--but words of a special friend that I was blessed to spend some time with this week.

Hope over to Vicky's blog at The Westra World to be inspired and read about our meet up!

Hope to be back blogging soon--and maybe even finish some of my older blog posts!

Blessings on your weekend!

At times life doesn't make sense...

2013-02-25T22:22:00.000-06:00

Do you ever have one of those weeks that leave you shaking your head...wondering why?

Four years ago, when I had my first chemotherapy treatment, it kicked my butt...So much so, that 4 days after I had received the dose, I had to call oncology clinic because I was so weak. They encouraged me to come to the infusion center for some IV fluids, the doc was thinking I was probably dehydrated. Previously to that visit to the infusion center, I had never seen anyone close to my age. Until that day. A day I will never forget. There she was...sitting in a chair--surrounded by several other ladies--and they were all laughing. (I remember thinking--am I ever going to laugh again?) Well, the only chair open was next to this giggling group of girls, and I was too sick to walk much farther so I sat down.

As I was waiting for my labs to be drawn, I overheard their conversation. (Okay, ya all--I tried hard to NOT listen--but, there was no way that would happen--the chairs in that place were close together.) Anyways, they were talking about the Beth Moore bible study they were doing. Since Beth has been one of my favorite bible study leaders, I was quickly drawn into their conversation...and thus a friendship between Kerri and I was formed. We traveled the chemo highway together...our cancer journey and our faith--a bond that busy lives didn't break.

A few months back we learned Kerri's cancer has returned? It wasn't supposed to happen...I don't understand why? As I try to process this, I can't even imagine how hard it is for Kerri to process.

Why am I sharing this with you all?

Last week, Kerri wasn't feeling well, so they did a scan that was scheduled for mid March, early. Unfortunately, it showed that her liver tumor has grown, despite being on chemotherapy. URGGGHhhh....seriously? Again, Why?

I know, I know...Some times there just isn't an answer. So--although, I know there doesn't seem to be answer to this why, I do know that God is with Kerri and her family. He alone provides the hope! Kerri and I both trust--He has her safely wrapped in His arms--even if at times we don't understand the why...

I asked Kerri for permission to post her family picture and a prayer request!

Please pray for Kerri and her family

Last evening, after I returned home from visiting with Kerri--I read an update from Vicky (a blogger friend)...let's just say...she too, needs our prayers.

Please pray for Vicky. Vicky blogs at Westra World

Another life story that has me pondering why...

Kylie is a 6 month old with leukemia. She has important tests on Thursday. Please pray for her and her family.

I know there is no answers to the why question...and yes...I do trust and hope in our Lord--knowing that He provides healing, comfort and peace. The main purpose of this blog post is to seek prayers for healing for these three beautiful individuals. Thank you for joining me in this quest!

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Faking it...until you make it!

2013-02-11T00:05:00.002-06:00

Last month I blogged about God Sized Dreams. I am excited to share that hope.lives.now. website has been redesigned, a Facebook page created, along with brochures and an introduction letter. While it has been crazy busy finalizing these projects, my hope has been strengthened as I watch God work. Just last week, God orchestrated the timing of a Hope Basket perfectly...and He is so into the details of what goes in these baskets. I had purchased a variety of CD's to put in the Hope Baskets and to my delight...the CD I put in this particular basket had special meaning to the recipient...all I can say is, "Only God!"

Now, it is time to be a bit more honest with you...what I am going to share with you next, isn't exactly what I would call a "dream." But it is a direction that I feel being led to...after many months (okay, years) I took a huge step, which was prompted by whispers I could no longer run from. As I have mentioned previously, in October 2012,I joined Toastmasters. Two weeks ago, I had to give my first speech, the "ice breaker." This speech is a 4 to 6 minute speech about yourself. Shouldn't be that hard, should it? Seriously, I don't know what I was thinking when I joined this organization. It must have been the "chemo brain." I tell ya...I was so...nervous, I almost didn't show up to the meeting....that was until I remember my friend Jess's advice, "Kim--at times in life you have to fake it, until you make it!" So, I gave myself a good ol' pep talk and gave the speech. Yes, I was scared. Yes, I could have done and said some things better (clearer.) But you know what? I did it...and I was so proud of myself. Ever since I was diagnosed with cancer, when faced with fear...I ask myself the question "If you don't do it, will you regret it?" I knew that if I didn't do my speech, I would not only regret it, I would also feel like I let God down. You see...for reasons I can't fully explain, I know that He wants me to learn the skill of public speaking. So...I'm trusting and doing! (Even when I am afraid!)

PS. For those of you interested in Toastmasters--you should check it out. What an awesome organization and great group of individuals.

BONUS: Feb 11, 2009 found me walking into the chemotherapy room for the first time...four years later....here I am! And although today found me on the couch because of debilitating pain due to the barometric pressure being low (thankfully this only happens with major systems)--I celebrate the gift of healing!

God-sized Dreams

2013-01-07T22:00:00.001-06:00

HAPPY 2013!!

Tonight I came across a blog post at toodarnhappy.com. The title of her post invited me to hop over to her blog...which prompted me to hop over to holleygerth ....which prompted me to write a blog post. Are you ready for the title? God-sized Dreams.

Intriguing...

62% of us make New Year's Resolutions.

I wonder what our world would be like if we instead we asked what is my God-sized Dream this year?

A God-sized Dream = A desire in your heart for more of what God has for you.

I love what Holley shares in this post:

"You see, God-sized dreams aren’t about being perfect. Or getting what we want. Or things working out the way we plan.

I can tell you this, on your God-sized dreams journey…

You will feel fear.

You will fail at some point.

And you may even find that you have to let a dream go.

But I can also tell you, on your God-sized dreams journey…

You will become more courageous.

You will have victories you never through possible.

And you will be filled up with what you really need, which is less of you and more of Jesus in your life.

God-sized dreaming isn’t for wimps.

But at the same time it’s really only for wimps.

Because we all are exactly that. We’re weak and broken and afraid. And we’re also strong and whole and filled with the resurrection power of Christ.

We are living paradoxes and nothing will show you that more than a God-sized dream.

If you’re looking at all this God-sized dreams stuff with a bit of skepticism can I just whisper, “It’s okay to feel that way. But dare to come with us anyway. Not because of where you will go but because of where this journey will take you…and that’s closer to the heart of God.”'

So now, I am inspired...and motivated....

What is my God sized Dream for 2013?

When I was diagnosed with cancer, I thought..."OK--you just got dealt bad card. Play the card you have been dealt. Get back to life." Oh, how I tried to get back to the life I used to live. So, many times I have pushed and pushed, only to fall flat on my behind. You see, I am not supposed to go back to my old lifestyle. I believe I have scars across my chest, along with ongoing pain and fatigue--so I remember. I remember the long nights where only the hope of God's promises gave me the strength to hold on till mornings light. I remember the mornings of chemotherapy, crying to my husband--"I don't think I can do this!" And although the I remember the "tough" things the thing I most remember is that God provided--in so many remarkable ways. Hope came in so many fashions--cards, phone calls, words of encouragement, comments left on my caring bridge.... Now, looking back at the last few years, I can see God's hand and guidance. But like Holley shares when God gives you a God sized Dream--you will have fear.

But I am saying NO to this fear in 2013--after all if you can do chemotherapy, I believe you can do almost anything! -- in

My God sized Dream is to expand the ministry of hope.lives.now. Hope.lives.now. is a ministry that offers support and encouragement to individuals who find themselves in an unexpected health crisis. This ministry is a "work in progress" and I am excited to see how God leads us through the next steps.

How about you--do you have any God sized Dreams for 2013?

If you do, please leave a comment and I will add your God sized Dream to my prayers.

Four years--yipee!!

2012-12-24T09:12:00.005-06:00

December 24, 2008, I was having the surgery that began my cancer treatment journey. December 24, 2012, I am praising God for the breath of life and Thanking HIM for all of you!!! 4 years--yipee!! A great big, heartfelt Thanks to all of you who have shared your love, kindness and support during this journey. Blessings and Merry, Merry Christmas!!

Pondering...

2012-12-18T22:24:00.000-06:00

So...I am continuing in my pondering....

Took this pic on an afternoon walk...

The Bench

Be Still and Listen!

The Bridge

One Step At A Time!

The Door

A surprise...

Waiting to be Opened!

4 years ago....

2012-12-03T22:38:00.001-06:00

Hi everyone! Well, it has been awhile since I've updated this blog. To be honest, I was struggling with what to say. The last few months have found me searching, seeking, and healing. I tell you, NO ONE prepares a person for life after cancer.

It was 4 years ago, that I heard the words, “You have an invasive, aggressive breast cancer.” My world was rocked. I thought my life was over. But God (in His glory) had different plans.

Although the road to recovery is taking me much longer than I expected, I wouldn't trade the journey of the last four years for anything. For in this journey, I experienced God’s truth and hope. I love this sentence from Dan Allender’s Book To BeTold, “True hope stares down pain and fear and waits expectantly for God to appear.”

Yes, I experienced pain.

Yes, I experienced fear.

Yes, I saw God appear!

For those of you who are newly in the cancer journey….have HOPE!

Cancer will change your life—some for the good, some for the not so good. But, you CAN do it!! (Even if/when you have to do it afraid.) My best advice is to allow yourself to ask questions and permission to any feelings you may have—whether it is sadness, anger, joy, or gratitude. If you have tears—let them out! If you have laughter—enjoy! It is your journey…walk it any way you want…but just remember, keep walking. It is so sad to see someone who gets “stuck” in their cancer journey. I guess, to me, cancer is a chapter of my life story, but not the whole book.

Which leads me to the main reason for this blog post, the last few months I have been struggling not only with some of the physical side effects of treatment (like having to have my 3^rd root canal this year and ongoing fatigue/pain), financial setbacks due to the cost of treatment and ongoing appointments, but I have been struggling a bit emotionally, too.

Now, don’t get me wrong…I have a great life. I have awesome family and friends, along with an amazing job. Maybe that is why I am frustrated to find myself trying to tackle the question of “Now, what?” How can I live a life of “no regrets?” What does it look like to not sleep walk through the remainder of my days?

After some self-evaluation, it seems as if I have many ingredients but don’t know what recipe I am cooking. Am I making breakfast, lunch or supper? Or am I to be making the snack, or dessert?

Last week, I took some time off from work to visit my daughter in Montana. I was hoping that the change in scenery and daily schedule would help me find my recipe. Although that didn't happen…I have a feeling I am to be making a dessert. (or maybe breakfast…for sure one of these two, as they are my favorites J)

A few things I do know…

I love to blog and do foresee continuing that in the future. Hopefully, after the first of the year, I will be able to share a new and exciting direction that I am taking my blogging.
I need to regain my strength, endurance and energy. I do well if I keep careful tabs on my schedule. (Unfortunately, this means, I have to say No, more than I get to say Yes.)
Don’t ask me why (as I don’t have an answer) but I feel the need to gain some speaking skills, so I joined Toastmasters in October. Although, public speaking is a bit frightening, I am excited for this opportunity.
Hope Lives Now! I have struggled if we should continue this organization or not?? In sharing with others, there seems to be a need, but also it takes funds. I am contemplating if we should seek a non-profit status and do more active fundraising. Every day, I hear of more and more individuals struggling with cancer and/or other challenging health conditions. It just breaks my heart and I so wish we could offer hope and encouragement to them all.

So we will see....

There are no words that could ever thank each and every one of you for your kindness, love and support these past 4 years. May God bless you!

PS. A few of you have asked about my back and neck pain, we have gotten it under control enough that I was able to discontinue physical therapy. (My home stretching program helps greatly.)

PSS. In case you are interested in health and wellness, I blog on Thursdays at Be Well South Dakota.

Results

2012-10-16T22:17:00.000-05:00

With great humbliness, excitement and praise, I am thrilled to share with you that the PET scan came back all clear! Also, I had my six month follow up my appointment with my oncologist...and all is good!

Sorry--time doesn't permit much more for tonight! Thanks so much for your prayers! Much appreciated!!

PET scan, really?

2012-10-11T23:16:00.000-05:00

Four years ago this month...I had a mammogram that was normal.

One month later, I heard those life changing words "I am sorry but you have an invasive, aggressive breast cancer."

Thus began the journey...that has brought me here today. I first started blogging to share my healing journey--hoping to provide support and encouragement to others who find themselves on this walk. I will be honest, as I get further out from treatment, sharing the "journey" struggles in cyberspace are proving to be a bit more difficult. After all, I am sick and tired of the potholes on this recovery path, so I figure others must be sick of reading it.

However, I feel that I must continue to share...because I know that the long term effects of cancer treatment (good and bad) aren't often discussed and maybe some other concerned (and/or frightened) survivor can be reassured.

Some of you have asked about the neck pain, while the pain continues (kind of comes and goes)...it has let up a bit. However, there is still enough of a concern, so I (finally) scheduled a PET scan. It is for tomorrow morning at 7:30. I will admit, I get a bit frustrated with having to do scans. But, I am thankful we have this tool for diagnostic purposes. Not sure when I will receive the results, but will post an update when I get them.

I have a little sticky on my computer that reads:
"Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you."--Deut 31:6

I'm not too worried about the scan, but I am human...and when the carpet is pulled out from under you once, you need things like God's word to provide comfort and reassurance. So, I am going into the scan--Knowing.Trusting.Believing--God has gone before me and paved the way. I just need to let go and trust!

Thanks for continuing to share this up and down journey with me!

PS. Oh--and if your interested, I today I blogged about breast cancer awareness at Be Well South Dakota.

Be Well South Dakota

2012-09-28T21:40:00.002-05:00

Just sharing that I am so excited to be part of a new blogging adventure, Be Well South Dakota. We are a team of bloggers who will be blogging about our health and wellness journey. We hope to inspire and educate residents of our great state to become a healthier state, one step at a time.

Our site has been up and running for a few weeks, if you have time...check out our vlog at Welcome to Be Well South Dakota.

If you visit the site, don't forget to subscribe so you too can be inspired on your wellness journey!

All is Good...

2012-09-27T20:59:00.001-05:00

My hair stylist has been out on maternity leave for three months, so there was much to catch up on my appointment last week. Conversation went like this:

Erin: How has things been going?
Me: Good

Erin: How is work going?
Me: Busy, but good

Erin: How is your hubby?
Me: A bit discouraged about the dry weather, but otherwise good.

Erin: How is your daughter out in Montana?
Me: She started classes and she is doing good.

Erin: How is your grandson?
Me: He started a new daycare and preschool, but he is good.

Erin: And your son?
Me: He is working full time and taking college courses on line...and he is good.

Erin: And your youngest daughter?
Me: She just celebrated her 17th birthday and she is doing good.

What a blessing...All is good!!

This past weekend, I attended the Refine Conference. What a wonderful, heart pricking event. I am still processing many of the things I heard and learned...but rest assured...it is all good!

PS. I still continue to struggle with on going neck and back pain, this could be part of my new "normal" from the mastectomy and radiation...but...the biggest question I am being asked by my health care professionals...should we do a PET scan? I struggle with doing another scan, because I believe God healed me and I just think this pain is from over exercising and possibly a hectic schedule the last few weeks. However, maybe it is time to just eliminate that concern? I will keep you posted....but for right now...I am still claiming....ALL IS GOOD!

Book Review: Let's Write A Short Story

2012-09-03T20:59:00.000-05:00

A new feature that I am hoping to accomplish on my blog is to share some of the great books I have been reading. This week, I am going to share with you a book written by Joe Bunting.

Before reading the book Let's Write a Short Story, I didn't really even know what made a short story. Mr. Bunting's book helped educate, informe and encourage me on my quest in learning the craft of writing. After reading the book (and doing some of the practice applications):

I now know what makes up a short story
I have some great resources on publication possibilities
I have set a few goals
I have a clearer understanding in the unique world of writing

Let me share a few highlights of this great book:

A challenge to write a short story every week
Rejection is a badge of honor and by writing short stories I will be rejected sooner than if I wait until I submit a novel.
That the privilege of being a writer is capturing the world's stories and putting them in a form that can be shared.
Great guidelines on the how to write a short story.
To be accountable and share on my blog that I intend to write a short story by the end of the month. (YES!)

I loved the easy to read style of this book, along with the tools shared on how to launch a career, become a better writer and small, practical steps towards publications. Not only is there practical tools and application steps, Joe has sprinkled encouragement throughout the book. At the end of the book, Joe shares many resources which I can't wait to check out. This is one "craft" book, I will be referring and recommending often. Thanks Joe for helping a newbie learn.

Total Indulgence with Beauty on a Budget!

2012-09-02T20:19:00.000-05:00

Just sharing:

Before I begin, let me share with you, I have never been to a spa, nor have I had a pedicure, manicure or message. Such luxuries have been something that I have never had the opportunity to indulge in...

So, if you are like me, or if you are just wanting to save some bucks...let me share with you my spa night at home:

Last week, one of my coworkers shared a leg scrub that she had found online. Last evening, I had an unexpected hour to myself, so I thought I would try it out.

Step by Step Saturday Night Spa at Home

First thing:

I mixed up the body scrub:

1 1/4 cup of sugar

1/2 cup of oil

5 tsps fresh lemon or lime

After I mixed up the scrub, I collected the other necessities for a spa night at home:

Along with a beverage...last nights choice a glass of wine (if weather was cooler, I would have had a cup of decaf tea.)

Some chocolate

A candle and flowers

Some Kari Jobe

A tub

Lots of bubbles

My favorite for soaking away my aches and pains

Finished with some lotion...adding just a bit of "smelly" lotion to finish off the experience.

My steps for my spa night was that I mixed up scrub. Took a shower and washed my hair. Added Conditioner and left it in. Ran my tub water. Soaked for five minutes. (Since I don't have a clock in my bathroom, I soaked for one song.) I shaved one leg. Added scrub. Rinsed off scrub. Shaved leg again. Repeated same process on other leg. Drained water out of tub. Used remainder of scrub for an all over body scrub. Started shower and rinsed hair and scrub off of body. Dried off. Applied lotion

I was amazed at how smooth the scrub made my skin....total indulgence! (And very little cost!)

Question: When was the last time you have had an indulgent moment? Or do you have any beautiful budget tips to share?

Ponderings....

2012-08-30T20:58:00.001-05:00

Ponderings....

So, a few weeks back I was spending some quiet time...reading blogs...praying....thinking...and came across a conference that is being held in Minneapolis in a few weeks. Do you remember a few weeks back when I shared the book Overcoming the Nevers by Teri Johnson? (Her website is Keeping It Personal .) Well, Teri is the coordinator of the a conference called the Refine Conference. Have you ever read something and felt little butterflies in your tummy? Well, when I first read about the Refine conference, I could hardly contain the butterflies. (I was so excited, I was sure I was going to fly off the couch.) Should I be embarrassed to admit that I can recite the program, speakers and break out sessions? After my initial excitement, reality settled in...as much as I wanted to go to the conference, timing and budget constraints were two big hurdles. So...I thought to myself, "just because it doesn't appear you will be able to attend, it looks like a wonderful opportunity and I started to share the information with friends and on my facebook." And, I subscribed to Teri's blog....Soon I found myself thinking "Seriously....only God"...

The first post update I received was written by Carey Scott from Carey Scott Talks. I absolutely love Carey and have been following her blog for some time. How cool that the first blog post I read from Keeping it Personal was an author that I have read many times.

The next day the post was from Elizabeth Hagen. Elizabeth is a nationally recognized business coach, professional speaker, organization expert, and author. Since Elizabeth resides in my local area, I have also been a follower of her blog. How exciting to see she was a guest blogger for Keeping it Personal.

Every day I anticipated reading the blog posts from Keeping It Personal...these women were speaking just the words I needed to hear. Shortly, there after, when lunching with a good friend, I mentioned this conference to her...thinking it might be of interest to her. I sent her the website.

After the neck pain started to increase, I put all thoughts of attending this conference in the back corner. Then....last week, I found out that the plans I had for the weekend of this conference were cancelled. This week, through therapy (and prayers) the neck pain is decreasing....and last evening, my friend called and asked if I was still interested in attending the Refine conference??

For those of you who have no idea what the refine conference is:

The REFINE Woman's Conference -- Sept. 21 and 22, 2012, DoubleTree by Hilton Bloomington Minneapolis South -- Come as you are, take your next step with purpose.

Description: WOMEN --> YOU are invited to COME as you are! Join us as we keep it
personal with ourselves, others, and God seeking to REFINE our lives

emotionally, spiritually, financially, professionally, in health and

wellness, and in relationship.

...

Our desire for you is to walk away from these two days feeling renewed and encouraged.

Our goal is that your heart will be fulfilled, your mind inspired, and your soul nurtured no matter where you might be on life's journey to... take

YOUR next steps with purpose.

Overcome. REFINE. Become.

If I could have ever designed a conference for survivors, it would be one just like this. Just look at these break out sessions:

Financial

Emotional

Health/ Wellness

Professional

Spiritual

Relational

Recently I read these words in the book To Be Told by Dan Allender.

One wise person said anonymously, "Adversity introduces us to ourselves." And adversity comes in too many forms to number. It is the diagnosis of cancer that throws us face to face with mortality. Seeing the real possibility of death creates a newness and drama and calls most people to rewrite the story they previously had assumed was the dominant plot of their life. The introduction to ourselves can also come in the upheaval of unwanted change--tragedy that disrupts the status quo and compels attention, focus, engagement, and choice. This change drives us to write what we really want to say, because we have only a few blank pages left and little ink in our pen.

Tonight finds me pondering...and writing this blog...praying...listening (and nibbling on this special treat from Jema....which just so happens to be in desk drawer for emergency pondering sessions...)

Tonight is the last night to register and receive the discount....still pondering...to be continued....

Question: When faced with opportunities like conferences, how do you decide which ones to attend?

Surprise and Blessing!

2012-08-26T22:04:00.000-05:00

Before I update you on my doctor's appointment and lingering neck pain, I want to share with you a special surprise and blessing from this past week.

We met through our blogs a few years back...I was inspired by her words and her art--she liked my realness. We lived miles apart, never did I think we would meet in person. She took a detour on her trip to Rapid City--and I had a delightful surprise!

We chatted like long lost friends, barely coming up for air...practically skipping hello's to sharing our past and hopes for our future. What a privilege to introduce you to my blogger and now "real life" friend Jennifer (Jema). Jennifer is a beautiful wife, mother of 4, artist and in her spare time you can find her blogging at Studio Jema. Our time together was precious...a blessing and memory I will forever cherish.

Jema blessed me with some of her beautiful art work.

Here's a pic of where I placed my new treasure!

Thank you Jema for sharing your time, your story, and your dreams. My prayers are with you and your family as you "Inspire to Inspire!"

Question: Care to share one of your surprise moments?

Oh, almost forgot--doctor's appt.

I did labs--normal!

She gave me some muscle relaxant--pain decreasing!

PET scan was ordered--I asked to postpone for a week or so.

Physical therapy to start on Friday.

Boot camp--on hold! (bummer)

The three F's--Failure, Fatigue and Fear

2012-08-19T22:31:00.001-05:00

"Failure is, in a sense, the highway to success, in as much as every discovery of what is false leads us to seek earnestly after what is true, and every fresh experience points out some form of error which we shall afterwards carefully avoid."--John Keats

If a picture is worth a thousand words...

Well....let's just say--I over did it the months of April, May, and July...so the last few weeks, I have felt like our poor back yard--dead, with the only thing growing--weeds.

So, I cleared my calendar...and this is how I have been spending my spare time:

Why, oh, why? Remember, boot camp? Well, it was really good for me, however...I am finding out, even good things can tip the balance scale. Five weeks ago, I noticed my neck starting to hurt, which led to my back hurting, which led to headaches, which led to increase in fatigue, due to pain waking me up at night. Now, I am pretty sure that this pain is related to over training, but to reassure some concerned family members, I do have an appointment at my oncologists office this week.

A few weeks ago, due to the pain, I significantly decreased the intensity of my exercise workouts. At first, I felt like a failure and was real disappointed in my body and it's lack of ability. Mr. Keats words helped me realize that my inability to do boot camp, doesn't mean I am a failure...it just means, (at this time) I have to avoid the intensity. So, for now, my exercise routine consists of daily stretching and walking for at least 30 minutes.

I share this recent bump in the road, to offer encouragement to other survivors who find themselves struggling with some of the limitations and frustrations which can come after cancer treatment. Many of us are walking in uncharted waters, without much guidance on "life after treatment." By sharing our collective experiences in cyber world, we can help each other.

With my recent neck/back pain...I really struggled with some questions--

1) Who should I call for advice? My internist or my oncologist?

2) The rule of thumb after cancer is the 2 week rule, if something still hurts after 2 weeks, we are to notify our physician. However, I find this rule isn't always "cut and dry." For instance, last year I had planter fascitiis--cancer in the heel is very unlikely. This spring I had shin splints--again cancer here very unlikely. Now, I have the back pain--again, I think it is due to over training...but with the cancer history--it brings questions??

Now, most days...I seldom think about cancer. Cancer is part of my life history, but it doesn't make up my life. That is why the other evening...I was caught off guard when my mind decided to pay a visit to Uncle Fear. You see, I thought Uncle Fear was dead and buried, but when your body and soul are dry...fear, like the ugly weeds in our yard, seems to grow best in the dry conditions especially when fertilized with fatigue. Thankfully, my visit with Uncle Fear was only a few minutes, as I quickly kicked him out of my mind and instead enjoyed a cup of tea with God's word. For I have learned, it His Word that comforts me and reminds me...

"For I know the plans I have for you, " says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Question: What refreshes you during a dry season? or comforts you when you have fear?

5 minute Friday

2012-08-10T20:57:00.003-05:00

Even though it has been awhile, do you remember the game?

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..
OK, are you ready? Please give me your best five minutes on:::

Connect…

What a perfect word for the place I am in my healing journey. I love to connect with others...whether it be my coworkers first thing in the morning, my friends or my family. Seriously, I think if visiting with others could be a career...I would be at the top of the that ladder. There is nothing I like better than connecting with others and sharing in their life. I love to hear the stories and cherish the memories.

However, there is one person I often fail to connect with...myself. Like so many others, I often get too busy. Between work, family, friends and other social obligations, it is difficult to connect with myself. So, maybe that is why I have had an increase in body pain...it is my body saying, "ENOUGH. We miss you! Please take the time to connect with yourself."

The last few weeks, I have been more intentional with "inking in" an appointment with "MYSELF"....so I could connect with me--which for me always includes connecting with HIM!

My prayer for you this weekend--may you find time to connect with yourself and our Heavenly Father!

Q. Have you been able to connect with yourself lately?

Exciting Offer by Teri Johnson

2012-08-07T21:38:00.002-05:00

Oh, blogger friends are you all in for a special treat!

I am excited to share with you a special offer made by Teri Johnson, the author of Overcoming the Nevers.

You may order Overcoming the Nevers through her website and receive a 50% discount!

Here’s the link: http://keepingitpersonal.com/overcoming-the-nevers/

The Coupon Code: Karen

Signed Soft-cover Copy with the code is $7.50 + Priority Mail Shipping of $5.99 = total $13.49

Ebook delivered immediately = $4.00

A great big thank you to Teri for her generosity!

From Failure to Overcoming the Nevers

2012-08-06T19:59:00.001-05:00

If we aren’t failing, then we aren’t doing anything interesting.

Expect failure. Better yet, embrace failure.

~Kristine Lamb

Today, I read the above words from a fellow blogger, Kristine Lamb…and they gave me courage to hop on this blog and write something…anything…to get over the fear of failing. You see, I look at my last post update, and I get so disappointed in my lack of discipline in posting on a more regular schedule. Kristine talks more about discipline and fear post today called “Unlocking Your Great Future—5 Keys to Writing Success.”

Since I last posted, I have had many blog posts written in my mind, but time didn’t permit me to sit long enough to share the words and stories…

From creating simple memories like watering my flowers with my 3 year old grandson, while family and friends enjoyed a game of croquet in our backyard to some grander memories like sharing an adventure with my two daughters, I have had an enjoyable summer.

However this past month, just being honest and sharing, I have been struggling. While I was busy creating memories, pain and fatigue crept back into my life. As, often happens, they bring their buddy fear with them. I keep telling them, I don’t have time for their visit—but I think they like me, as they just don’t want to leave. Except fear, that is…he stepped one foot into my mind and when I started reading God’s word to him—you should have seen him run. So, the last few weeks, I cleared my schedule—limiting my time to family and work, decreasing the intensity of my exercise schedule…and increasing my awareness of proper nutrition and sleep, hoping that pain and fatigue will discover they are NOT welcome here.

One good thing about taking the time to rest, I have had been able to spend a little more time reading. On Saturday, I was reading a blog post on Karen Ehman’s site. She introduced us to Teri Johnson. Teri is the President and Founder of Keeping It Personal (www.keepingitpersonal.com) a company that specializes in self-development training and discovering your life purpose and The Refine Conference for Women (www.therefineconference.com). (Conference is in Minneapolis, MN…so close, yet so far…definitely something on my “to do” list next year.) Teri is also the author of the newly released book, Overcoming the Nevers. I spent the last few days with Teri, her web site and her book. Even though I have only read the first three chapters of her book, the message Teri share’s is helping give me the tools to move forward…towards leading a life God has called me. I will share more as time and energy permits. If you are interested in a personal growth book—you definitely need to read this book.

Q. What new book have you discovered this summer?