Cynical Dad

Four

2009-07-10T00:01:00.001-04:00

Four years ago today, I started this site (I still refuse to refer to it as a blog (most of the time, at least)). It started off as a site about life with the kids and being a stay-at-home dad. Some 830+ posts later, it's morphed into something else. I write about music (a lot). I started my Nameless Twitter Radio Show. I started posting pictures of weird things. Every once in a while, I write something funny (but you'll have to look hard and dig deep to find an example) or interesting (even harder to find).

The funny thing is my site was offline for about twenty-six hours before this. I think the Internet Gods were trying to tell me to hang it up.

But screw them! They'll have to wait until February, when I turn 40.

Anyway, I'd like to thank anyone who has ever taken the time to come here and read even a word of my ramblings (except for the pedophiles using Google to feed their habits). I truly appreciate it.

Thanks so much for coming along for the ride!

But before I go and raise a Yuengling, I thought I'd share the two most common misconceptions about me/Cynical Dad:

I live in New York City.
I am Asian.

My Evening With David Sedaris

2009-07-06T01:28:00.002-04:00

Alternate Title: I, Cockmaster

A few weeks ago, I was lucky enough to attend a David Sedaris book signing.

For those of you who have never attended one of his signings, here's how it works: for the first hour, he does a reading (which, after hearing him read his material, I'm going to have to listen to a few of his books on CD) and then answers a few questions from the audience. After that, he signs books and talks to his fans until he meets the very last person in line. From what I heard, he stayed at the bookstore until 3:00 AM that morning. The man is a rock star!

And it's free! Well, it wasn't actually free for me. Since I had read all his books from the library, I ponied up the $14.99 for the Me Talk Pretty One Day paperback so I could have something signed.

I had a great time that evening. And I learned a lot:

It is good to be in the know.

I went to the bookstore a few days early to see if I could get some details for the show. After ~~flirting with~~ talking with the cute girl behind the counter for a few minutes, she let me know they were giving out wristbands when they opened on the day of the show. She told me the number on your wristband corresponded to your place in the signing line and the first fifty people in line would be given a seat during the show (everyone else had to stand, most behind bookshelves so they were unable to see David Sedaris as he spoke). I was #32, so not only was I out of there by 10:30 PM, I also got to sit on my lazy ass all night long. Score!

David Sedaris is hysterical.

But you knew that already.

I am a cockmaster.

Or at least according to Mr. Sedaris, because that is what he called me in his inscription in my copy of Me Talk Pretty One Day. I really don't know the correct definition of this term, but I would assume it could only mean one of two things: either I am the master of my own cock or I am the master of others' cocks. And if it's the latter, I picked the wrong career path.

I cannot speak to people, even those I admire.

As I was standing in line to have him sign my book, I started thinking about what I wanted to say to him. I couldn't think of a damn thing. I know most people had witty anecdotes planned but since I didn't have any breastfeeding stories to share, I was speechless (or mindless, at that point). So when I finally got up there, I mumbled something about being a big fan and thanking him for taking the time to give back to his fans. I'm so lame.

David Sedaris likes my daughter's name.

When I tell people my daughter's real name, half will look at me funny like they didn't hear me correctly (or were hoping they didn't hear me correctly) and the other half will say something like, "Wow! That's a cool name! Where did you come up with that?" When I told David Sedaris my children's names (he asked; I'm not that socially inept that I start rattling off my children's names and Social Security numbers when I meet celebrities), he said, "[Zoey]. I like that. Most parents today give their kids stupid fucking names, but I like [Zoey]."

I am becoming what I hate.

As I walked around the bookstore waiting for the show to begin, I took notice of the crowd. There seemed to be a large number of older, pretentious assholes milling about the place, saying things like, "I remember the first time I heard David Sedaris. It was during a long, snowy drive through Connecticut to my daughter's wedding. It was a harrowing ride, but Sedaris was good for many guffaws." First of all, who the hell says guffaw? Go ahead, say it. It's an ugly word, hard to pronounce, and it always sounds like you're making some sort of bird call or something. But then I realized something: those people were there for the same reason I was. And since we shared at least one common characteristic, did that mean I was a pretentious asshole, too? I've been doing a lot of soul searching since his performance. So if I run up to you on the street tomorrow and ask you if you think I'm a pretentious asshole, don't spare my feelings. I need the truth.

More Cover Songs

2009-07-05T00:03:00.000-04:00

On Tuesday night, I did another one of my Nameless Twitter Radio Shows. This week's theme was cover songs. Here's the playlist:

Ben by Crispin Hellion Glover
Head On by Pixies
Can't Help Falling In Love by UB40 (Cats... Books... Life Is Good)
Long Black Veil by Dave Matthews Band with Emmylou Harris (Ramblings Of A Tired Mama)
Blue by The Thorns (Charming & Delightful)
D'yer Mak'er by Sheryl Crow (Some1s_sista)
Wonderwall by Ryan Adams (The Blog At 16th And Q)
Whiskey In A Jar by Metallica (Coffeequeen)
Suspicious Minds by Fine Young Cannibals (Mom-101)
Home Sweet Home by Carrie Underwood (Connecticut Mom)
Rusty Cage by Johnny Cash (Luke, I Am Your Father)
Ring Of Fire by Social Distortion (Chicky Chicky Baby)
Girls Just Want To Have Fun by Starfucker (Cheeky's Hideaway)
No Diggity by The Klaxons (Mr. Big Dubya)
Only You by The Flying Pickets (The Weirdgirl)
All Apologies by Sinead O'Connor (Innerwizdom)
Do You Really Want To Hurt Me? by Violent Femmes (me)
Goodbye Earl by Me First And The Gimme Gimmes (me)
Sweet Jane by Cowboy Junkies (Sashalyn)
Me And Bobby McGee by Janis Joplin (Notes From The Sleep Deprived)
Mad World by Gary Joules (Badass Dad Blog)
Hot In Herre by Jenny Owen Young (Four Funny Kids)
Tears Of A Clown by The English Beat (ClumberKim)
... Baby One More Time by Travis (BaltimoreGal)
Where The Streets Have No Name/Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You by Pet Shop Boys (The Mom Slant)
Wasted Years by Damone (Because I'm Your Father)
Billie Jean by Chris Cornell (Punk Rock Parents)
Last Kiss by Pearl Jam (Raging Dad)
Surfin' U.S.A. by The Jesus And Mary Chain (Mayberry Mom)
Hazy Shade Of Winter by Bangles (Diary Of An Unlikely Housewife)
Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley (Mommy Confessions)
Where Did You Sleep Last Night? by Nirvana (me)

I'd like to thank everyone for coming out for this week's show. I love cover songs, so it was a fun show for me. Sorry I couldn't play everyone's requests.

Please drop by next week when we'll be playing songs from albums that debuted in 1990.

Happy Fourth Of July!

2009-07-04T08:23:00.001-04:00

Now go eat, drink, and blow something up!

Eating With The Aliens

2009-07-03T00:41:00.005-04:00

I saw two aliens today. Not people-from-another-country aliens (although I saw some of them, too). Creatures-from-another-planet aliens.

I was running late this morning and didn't have time to pack my lunch, so I dropped by Burger King during my lunch hour. I placed my order and while I was waiting for them to prepare my food, I noticed the two gentlemen behind me in line.

One was in his forties and one was in his sixties (but I'm a terrible judge of age, so they could've both been anywhere from thirty to eighty). In my mind, one was the father, the other his son. They spoke perfect English, without any hint of an accent.

The older guy ordered first.

Older Guy: Hello.
Cashier: Hi.
Older Guy: I saw in the newspaper yesterday that you can buy a Whopper and get another Whopper for free.
Cashier: Yes. That's our coupon.
Older Guy: I'd like that, please.
Cashier: Sir, that's a coupon. You have to have it with you when you order.
Older Guy: Oh.

The other guy ordered his food without any complications. I watched the cashier hand them their cups. They looked at him kind of funny and then noticed the self-serve fountain. They poured their drinks and then sat down.

At this point, I was eating my burger and watching a lady behind the counter shout, "Ticket #180! Your order is ready!" I knew it belonged to one of the aliens, but they just sat there, oblivious to her yelling, waiting for someone to bring them their food. Finally, after I had garnered all the entertainment I could muster from the situation, I yelled over to them, "Guys? You need to go up to the counter to get your food."

At first, I thought they were from a different country and hadn't been exposed to fast food or coupons before. But what country would that be? Underarockistan? But their English was too good; hell, it was better than mine.

So I made the only logical assumption: they were aliens from another planet, trying to blend in with society and learning our norms, while awaiting word from the Mothership to overthrow us in a bloody, fiery invasion.

Unless they all die from starvation at a Taco Bell one afternoon.

Or maybe these two were former millionaires who have been reduced to normal schmoes due to the economy and this was their first trip ever to a fast food joint?

Or maybe I just need to find time to pack my own lunch every day.

Shopping

2009-06-28T23:56:00.003-04:00

I hate shopping for big-ticket items. I research until I'm blue in the face, often taking months to reach a decision. Those who have been reading me for some time may remember it took me three months to buy a laptop.

My wife feels we need a new car. While both cars run, they are both getting up there in mileage. Her vehicle, the one we'd be getting rid of, currently has 167,000 miles and an air conditioner that doesn't work anymore (and for those of you who don't know, it gets damn hot here). My car has about 145,000 miles, but its our family vehicle, so even though it's a newer model than her vehicle, it's quickly catching up in the mileage department.

When we went to the beach, we had to cram so much stuff into the trunk of the family vehicle that it wouldn't shut properly (and yet there were still items stored at her feet and at the kids' feet). She now wants a small SUV. I'm a little bit nervous about buying a car given the economy and the possibility that Obama might make us all turn in our cars tomorrow and purchase ones that run on rose petals and maple syrup.

We're leaning toward the Equinox and Vue (these are largely incentive-based decisions). We're also looking at the CR-V, the RAV-4, and the Forrester. If you own any of these cars (or any other small SUVs), feel free to share any information in the comments (pros/cons, etc.). And if you know anyone who blew up in one of those cars, that information would be extremely helpful.

Thanks!

Colorful Songs

2009-06-27T00:01:00.003-04:00

On Wednesday night, I did another one of my Nameless Twitter Radio Shows. This week's theme was songs with colors in the title. Here's the playlist:

Violet by Hole (me)
Pink Triangle by Weezer (me)
White Wedding by Billy Idol (Father Muskrat)
Blue Monday by New Order (Mr. Big Dubya)
Behind Blue Eyes by The Who (Cats... Books... Life Is Good)
Stay Gold by Stevie Wonder (Charming & Delightful)
Pretty In Pink by The Psychedelic Furs (Sashalyn)
Paint It Black by The Rolling Stones (Cool Zebras)
Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden (Hope4Peyton)
Pink Houses by John Cougar Mellencamp (FlipFlopsChels)
Orange Crush by R.E.M. (The Blog At 16th And Q)
Red Letter Year by Ani DiFranco (Down-To-Earth Mama)
Black by Pearl Jam (Red Pen Mama)
99 Red Balloons by Nena (Mom-101)
Blue Bayou by Roy Orbison (me)
Welcome To The Black Parade by My Chemical Romance (me)
Scarlet Begonias by Sublime (Ramblings Of A Tired Mama)
Back In Black by AC/DC (Diary Of An Unlikely Housewife)
Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison (Connecticut Mom)
(The Angels Wanna Wear My) Red Shoes by Elvis Costello (Chicky Chicky Baby)
Goodbye Yellow Brick Road by Elton John (Notes From The Sleep Deprived)
Yellow Submarine by The Beatles (Harmzie's Way)
Black Water by The Doobie Brothers (Kimblahg)
Red House by Jimi Hendrix (The Weirdgirl)
Bright As Yellow by The Innocence Mission (Too Much About Paul)
Tangled Up in Blue by Bob Dylan (Cheeky's Hideaway)
Brown Skin Lady by Black Star (Raging Dad)
The Blues Are Still Blue by Belle And Sebastian (Honea Express)
Purple Rain by Prince (me)

I'd like to thank everyone for coming out for this week's show. Next week, we'll be doing another covers show. After that, we're going to be taking a ten-week look at the 1990s, beginning with 1990. Hope to see you there!

How My Mind Works

2009-06-24T00:29:00.002-04:00

On my post about The Myrtle Beach Sea Monster, SeattleDad left the following comment: "And don't be surprised when the knock comes on your door and 'they' haul you away, shut down this site, and threaten those of us who have commented."

But as I passed a DOT sign (the kind that normally only speaks to Steve Martin) on the highway today and noticed it read "Military Exercise 1 Mile Ahead," I immediately thought the same thing. I realized that the government had found out about my post and had set up this whole "Military Exercise" as a way to kill me. It would be reported that I was "accidentally" killed by "errant gunfire" during the "Military Exercise."

So what did I do? I turned the car around.

If you give me advance warning, I'm going to take it. I may be crazy, but I'm not a fool.

Better luck tomorrow, bitches!

The Myrtle Beach Sea Monster

2009-06-23T00:13:00.015-04:00

If you are with the press and would like to conduct an interview with me or request high-resolution copies of the images below along with sixteen unpublished ones, please email me at cynicaldad@gmail.com.

I have always believed that encounters with UFOs, Bigfoot, Chupacabras, sea monsters, and other unexplained phenomena happened to people who lived out in the sticks that had just stumbled upon them, usually after drinking. Most scientists, researchers, and people with an interest in said phenomena never seem to find themselves face-to-face with the unexplained.

Until now.

On the morning of June 19, 2009, I had just put on my swimming trunks, grabbed my camera, and was riding the elevator to meet my wife, kids, and in-laws for a morning swim. As the elevator to the pool opened, I saw my wife standing there.

"Good! You have your camera!" she yelled. "Come quick! Something washed ashore!"

We hurried through the pool area and onto the beach. I saw a pickup truck parked about three hundred feet away on the beach. A small crowd had gathered in front of the truck. "What is it?" I asked my wife as we neared the crowd. "A turtle," she replied.

When we reached the beast, I could plainly see it was no turtle. I had no idea what it was, but I knew it wasn't a turtle. But ~~a Top Secret Federal Agent~~ an Animal Control Officer was telling anyone and everyone who would listen that given its size, she estimated we were looking at the remains of a fifty-year-old sea turtle. I estimated that she was full of shit.

Why?

Several reasons:

It had an extremely long neck. I've seen turtles; their heads barely poke out from beneath their shells. Unless this was some sort of rare Giraffe Turtle or something, it was no turtle.
The ~~Top Secret Federal Agent~~ Animal Control Officer spray painted a giant X across the beast's back. She claimed in case the tide took the animal back into the ocean before they were able to remove it, they would know that this was the same turtle should it wash ashore again. I have no idea what would cause her to spray paint (or even if it was paint in the can) an X across the sea creature's back, but her reasoning didn't make sense to me.
Within moments of calling it in to headquarters, a backhoe appeared and scooped up the sea creature. How long does it take to have a dead animal removed from the side of the road? Days? Weeks? Definitely not minutes.
Someone asked the ~~Top Secret Federal Agent~~ Animal Control Officer if they were going to test the animal. She told us all that they would send it to the City Incinerator. Really? A fifty-year-old sea turtle washes ashore and you don't want to try to figure out how and why it died? This was obviously a lie so that we wouldn't ask any further questions and wouldn't try to follow up with the city days later to see what they discovered.
And finally, what the hell was Animal Control doing there? The creature was dead, why did it need to be controlled? I have a theory: the government felt this was a baby sea monster and was afraid its mother would soon come ashore, wreaking havoc as it searched for its baby.

All this government cover-up points to one thing: the turtle was, in fact, a sea monster.

And I have the photos to prove it!

Warning: The following images are graphic in nature. Please stop reading if you suffer from heart trouble, high blood pressure, back or neck injuries, or if you are or think you may be pregnant. Thank you.

This was the first photo I took of the beast:

Sorry I couldn't get closer to the creature. I wanted to get down on my belly, right up in its grill, and snap away. But I was afraid the ~~Top Secret Federal Agent~~ Animal Control Officer would "accidentally" step on my camera or lead me away in handcuffs. So I had to be as inconspicuous as possible:

Here is a photo taken after the ~~Top Secret Federal Agent~~ Animal Control Officer spray painted the mysterious X across the monster's back:

It was at this point that I realized I had nothing in my photos that would show how big the sea monster was. So while the ~~Top Secret Federal Agent~~ Animal Control Officer was watching the backhoe coming down the beach, I slipped off my shoe (size 9.5), placed it next to the sea beast, and quickly took a photo to give you an idea of the magnitude of the sea creature:

Here's a photo of the backhoe preparing to scoop up the sea monster so it could begin its journey to the "City Incinerator:"

I have a friend who works in Forensics at the LA Police Department. They have this software that allows you to scan in photos of skulls and bones and it will fill in the image with skin, hair, etc., to give the police an idea of what the deceased might have looked like. As a huge favor, he ran a few of my photos through the program and was able to come up with a composite sketch.

Ladies and gentlemen, behold The Myrtle Beach Sea Monster!

Five Things

2009-06-22T00:31:00.003-04:00

Hey, guys! We're back from the beach in one piece. Sorry I don't have a proper post for you guys. That'll come tomorrow. Meanwhile…

Ridemakerz Giveaway

I'm giving away a $75 gift code to RIDEMAKERZ, an online store where you can create your own radio-controlled vehicle (think Build-A-Bear for cars). Click here for details.

Imperfect Parent

My latest While Mom's @ Work article went online while I was at the beach. It's about the worst part of any vacation: the trip there. Check it out and let me know what you think.

Wish You Were Me?

I'm going to a David Sedaris book signing on Tuesday night. YES!

Chag's Nameless Twitter Radio Show

As a result of the book signing, this week's Nameless Twitter Radio Show will be on Wednesday at 10 PM ET. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.

And Finally…

I really wanted to keep the lid on this until I had the post written.

But I can't. THE NEWS IS JUST TOO BIG!

A sea monster washed ashore at Myrtle Beach on Friday. I saw it with my own two eyes.

And I have photographic evidence.

And I'll show and tell you all about it tomorrow.

Graduation Songs

2009-06-21T22:31:00.002-04:00

On Monday night, I did another one of my Nameless Twitter Radio Shows. This week's theme was songs from the year you graduated high school. Here is the playlist:

Cartoon by Soul Asylum (me)
Children's Story by Slick Rick (me)
Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana (Life Of 'Pie)
Read My Mind by The Killers (FlipFlopsChels)
Humpty Dance by Digital Underground (Charming & Delightful)
Alive And Kicking by Simple Minds (For A Different Kind Of Girl)
Wildest Dreams by Asia (Connecticut Mom)
The Whole Of The Moon by The Waterboys (Mr. Big Dubya)
Simply Irresistible by Robert Palmer (Smart Ass Newfie)
Save A Prayer by Duran Duran (Major Bedhead)
Sowing The Seeds Of Love by Tears For Fears (No Artificial Scents Please)
Cruel Summer by Bananarama (ClumberKim)
Eye Of Fatima, Pt. 1 by Camper Van Beethoven (me)
Beats To The Rhyme by Run-D.M.C. (me)
Lump by The Presidents Of The United States Of America (Backpacking Dad)
West End Girls by Pet Shop Boys (Coffeequeen)
Mayonaise by Smashing Pumpkins (Sashalyn)
If I Could Talk I'd Tell You by The Lemonheads (Where There's A Willer)
Dead Man's Party by Oingo Boingo (Chunkybumble)
Like A Prayer by Madonna (Kate B. McKinney)
Hook by Blues Traveler (Ramblings Of A Tired Mama)
Baby Got Back by Sir Mix A Lot (Attack Of The Redneck Mommy)
Somebody's Watching Me by Rockwell (Cats… Books… Life Is Good)
So What'cha Want by Beastie Boys (Kimblahg)
I'll Make Love To You by Boyz II Men (Musings)
Fantastic Voyage by Coolio (Gaming With Baby)
One Night In Bangkok by Murray Head (Parentopia)
Everybody Knows by Concrete Blonde (Chicky Chicky Baby)

I'd like to thank everyone who came out for the show. Sorry I couldn't get to everyone's requests. Next week, we'll be playing songs with colors in the titles. Hope to see you there!

Summer Reruns: The Best Of The Rest (Surviving Your Child's Summer Vacation For Pennies A Day)

2009-06-18T23:15:00.001-04:00

Hope you guys enjoyed the look back at my series on cheap summertime fun with the kids. Hopefully, you found something worth exploring this summer.

* * * * * * * * * *

Here's the final installment of Surviving Your Child's Summer Vacation For Pennies A Day. For those of you who are new around here, it's my little experiment where I try to find fun and cheap things for my daughter and I to do this summer.

Lesson Five: The Best Of The Rest

I figured I needed to wrap this crap up before summer actually ends (posting a Surviving Your Child's Summer Vacation article in September would be really lame). So here is the final batch of cheap things you can do with your kids this summer:

Summer movie programs
We're lucky enough to have two theaters in our area that show children's movies on certain days of the week at a heavily discounted price. One of the theaters charges $3 (but you also get a small Coke & a small popcorn) and the other one charges $1 (sneak in your own treats!). While there's a good chance you may already own the featured movie on DVD, it gets you out of the house for a few hours and there's no substitute for the moviegoing experience.
Summer memberships
Some museums, zoos, children's centers, and aquariums offer summer-only memberships. Once school kicks back in, you don't have any time to visit these places anymore, so why pay the extra money?
Bookstores
Many bookstores have special story times during the week. We hit one that has a story, milk and cookies, a game, a freebie, and an art project. It lasts about ninety minutes and is totally worth the price of admission (FREE!). And once you're done, you can browse the shelves for interesting books to check out at the library at a later date.
Parks
I load my daughter's bicycle in the trunk of the car and we hit the nearby park while Zed is in school. She plays on the playground for awhile and then hits the trails with her bike. And hell, I even manage to get some exercise walking beside her.
Vacation Bible School
Not my cup of tea, but I figured this might interest some of you.

So that's it. Hope you enjoyed this and got something out of it.

Did I miss anything? If you have any ideas I'm not aware of, please let me know in the comments.

Summer Reruns: Hit The Books (Surviving Your Child's Summer Vacation For Pennies A Day)

2009-06-17T23:15:00.001-04:00

Here's another post in my series on cheap summertime family fun. Enjoy!

* * * * * * * * * *

Here's another installment of Surviving Your Child's Summer Vacation For Pennies A Day. For those of you who are new around here, it's my little experiment where I try to find fun and cheap things for my daughter and I to do this summer.

Lesson Four: Hit The Books

No one visits the library anymore now that you have the world inside your computer. But there is so much you and your child can enjoy at the library:

Story times: Let someone else read to your kid for a change!
Movies: They show kids' movies at our local library and even supply the popcorn.
Music: Every once in awhile a musician or two will be on hand to play songs for the kids. Hey, it beats them hanging around outside and guilting you into putting a dollar in their guitar cases.
Computer classes: Let your kid take a QuickBooks class. Someone in your house should be able to balance the checkbook.
Internet: You should be able to get several hours of free Internet usage. Let your kid play around on Nick Jr. while you ~~surf for porn~~ mess around with your Facebook page.
And of course, there are plenty of books, videos, and CDs for you and your children to take home with you.

And if you're really lucky, you might run across someone willing to act out your sexy librarian fantasy for you.

Or is that just me?

Warning: If you're thinking about going to the library, get there ten minutes after it opens. If you arrive too early, you'll witness people bum rushing the door to secure an open computer. It's like the Filene's Basement wedding gown sale. You could lose a limb if you're not careful.

Summer Reruns: Try It Before You Don't Buy It (Surviving Your Child's Summer Vacation For Pennies A Day)

2009-06-16T23:15:00.001-04:00

Like yesterday's post, this one caused some grief from some readers when originally posted. But if you can explain what's going on to your child beforehand, you should have no problem reaping the benefits of the following idea.

* * * * * * * * * *

Here's another installment of Surviving Your Child's Summer Vacation For Pennies A Day. It's my little experiment where I try to find fun and cheap things for my daughter and I to do this summer.

Since some of you thought I was stealing from Chuck E. Cheese's in my last post, I'm sure you'll find this one equally unethical. Get over yourself.

Lesson Three: Try It Before You Don't Buy It

Every children's gym class, art class, karate class, taekwondo class, music class, dance class, and everyothertypeofclass offers a free trial class. It doesn't matter if you have no intention of enrolling your child in the class. They don't know that. Take them up on their offer! You're either a fool or someone that doesn't believe in coupons if you don't make this system work for you.

Seriously, if you live in a medium-sized city, you can burn through two weeks by visiting a different trial class every day.

Summer Reruns: The Taming Of The Shrew (Surviving Your Child's Summer Vacation For Pennies A Day)

2009-06-15T23:15:00.002-04:00

This is my favorite post in my series of cheap summertime fun for the kids, even though some people told me I was stealing when I initially published it. I tested it about a month ago when my daughter was home on a Teacher's Workday, so I know it still works.

* * * * * * * * * *

Here's another installment of Surviving Your Child's Summer Vacation For Pennies A Day (Should that have been …Vacation On Pennies A Day? Oh well, too late now.). It's my little experiment where I try to find fun and cheap things for my daughter and I to do this summer.

After reading this tip, you will probably wander around dumbstruck for a few moments. After you gain your senses, there's a good chance you will say, "Chag, you're a genius." It's okay. You guys should probably be uttering that phrase more often anyway.

Lesson Two: Take Your Kids To Chuck E. Cheese's

Wait! Don't leave yet!

Look, I know every parent hates Chuck E. Cheese's. The noise! The expensive pizza! The bratty kids! In fact, every parent blogger must have at least one post in his or her archives that bashes Chuck E. Cheese's. It's like an Internet Law or something.

But what if I said you could have a good time at Chuck E. Cheese's and it wouldn't cost you much money? Think I'm crazy? Read on.

There are two caveats, however:

You cannot eat at Chuck E. Cheese's. It will totally break your budget. Pack a lunch to eat it at the mall instead.
You must arrive at Chuck E. Cheese's when it opens. I'm not talking sixty or even thirty minutes after they open. When they unlock the doors, you're greeting them with a smile on your face. Got it?

When you get there first thing in the morning, there are no other kids in the joint. Chuck E. Cheese's is not a noisy place when it's empty. But believe it or not, that's not even the best part of an early visit. During the past few months, I have been at Chuck E. Cheese's three times when they opened, so I can verify that the following three things await you if you get there in time:

Free Credits
When the employees turn on the machines in the morning, some of the machines have credits in them. Credits = free games! On our last visit, we found three video games that were already credited with tokens.

Free Tokens
Look around and you'll find tokens lying on the ground. On our last visit, we found two tokens. But to really take advantage of this, find out which days the employees open the video games to remove and count the tokens. I do not know how often they perform this ritual at Chuck E. Cheese's; I've only seen it once. But on that day, we snagged eight tokens!

Free Tickets
When the employees turn on the machines in the morning, they also make sure the ticket feeders on all the games are operational. If you're the first one there, you'll find that all of the games have tickets sticking out of them: some have only one but some have many more. Once we're inside Chuck E. Cheese's, I tell my daughter, "Go get the tickets!" She bounces back and forth between the machines, yelling "I found one!" or "This one has A LOT of tickets!" It's like The World's Loneliest Easter Egg Hunt.

On our last trip, she found 259 tickets.

Two hundred and fifty-nine tickets.

Do you know how much plastic crap you can get for 259 tickets? A lot.

Plus, you can have your child count the tickets and calculate how many she'll have left when she selects the trinket of her choice. It's an educational outing, too!

On our last trip to Chuck E. Cheese's, we lasted forty-five minutes, only spent a buck, and had a great time. When was the last time you said that about a trip to Chuck E. Cheese's?

Summer Reruns: Brown Bag It (Surviving Your Child's Summer Vacation For Pennies A Day)

2009-06-14T23:16:00.001-04:00

I'm at Myrtle Beach this week. Well, technically we don't leave until Tuesday morning, but I figured since summer vacation has started for most everyone's kids (except for those poor bastards that go year-round), now would be a good time to repost my series on cheap summertime fun with the kids. Enjoy!

* * * * * * * * * *

Here's the deal: my son will be attending camp at his preschool this summer, six hours a day for two months. Because gas prices are so damn high, my daughter and I will not be able to drive back to our house and will be stuck in another town for six hours every day. It was either drive back and forth twice each day or pay the mortgage, but I like my house. I'm silly like that.

My goal this summer is to line up cheap activities for the two of us. I thought I'd chronicle my findings to let you guys know how to have thrifty fun this summer. Most of the things I tell you will be common sense crap (like the one below), but I believe I have one or two lessons that might be new to you.

Lesson One: Brown Bag It

The easiest way to go broke is to eat out. Even if you hit the fast food joints, a combo for yourself and a happy meal for the kid will set you back ten bucks.

You can pack a delicious and nutritious lunch for the two of you for less than the cost of a happy meal. But where the hell do you go to eat your lunch?

Sure, you can go to a nice park and have an idyllic picnic lunch but there are several problems with that scenario:

It's like 100,000 degrees out there.
BUGS!
The restroom facilities usually leave something to be desired.
Did I mention it's hotter than the sun? And the BUGS!

The people at Burger King might get a little pissed if you unpack your Igloo in the middle of their fine establishment. So where should you go? Hit your mall's food court.

Yeah, you'll get some funny looks from the rent-a-cops and the custodian dude who has to clean the trays, but there's nothing they can do to you. As long as you're not brandishing a weapon, cigarette, pet, or a skateboard, you're in the clear. Pick a table and enjoy your lunch! Just ignore the packs of teenagers that have nothing better to do on a summer day than to sneer at you. They're just a big mess of studded belts and acne, so screw 'em.

I know what you're thinking: you can eat at the food court for free. While I agree that a lap around the food court sample stations followed by a drink at the water fountain will result in a full tummy, I don't believe your child's pediatrician would endorse a Bourbon chicken and Cinnabon diet.

Say it loud! I'm cheap and I'm proud!

Desert Island Songs

2009-06-13T23:03:00.002-04:00

On Tuesday night, I did another one of Nameless Twitter Radio Shows. This week's theme was the one song you'd want if you found yourself on a deserted island. Here's the playlist:

Rocket Queen by Guns N' Roses (me)
Wrong by Depeche Mode (For A Different Kind Of Girl)
How Soon Is Now? by The Smiths (Mr. Big Dubya)
Temptation by New Order (Coffeequeen)
Thunder Road by Bruce Springsteen (Major Bedhead)
Ants Marching by Dave Matthews Band (FlipFlopsChels)
Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen (Smart Ass Newfie)
Man Out Of Time by Elvis Costello (ClumberKim)
Rearviewmirror by Pearl Jam (My A Cup Runneth Over)
Youngstown by Bruce Springsteen (Cats... Books... Life Is Good)
Little Wonders by Rob Thomas (Cool Zebras)
Superstition by Stevie Wonder (Citizen Of The Month)
Against The Wind by Bob Seger (Junk Food 4 The Soul)
Glory Box by Portishead (Halushki)
Nocturne Op.9 No.2 by Frédéric Chopin (Mommymae)
Mass Murder by AFI (Left Coast Mama)
Fields Of Gold by Sting (Katekross)
And She Was by Talking Heads (Parentopia)
Waiting For My Real Life To Begin by Colin Hay (Charming & Delightful)
Son Of A Son Of A Sailor by Jimmy Buffet (The Daily Wit)
Layla by Derek & The Dominos (Spellweavers)
100 Years by Five For Fighting (Mommy Confessions)
Paranoid Android by Radiohead (Innerwizdom)
Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger (MFA_Mama)

I'd like to thank everyone who came out for this show! Despite the fact I limited myself to only one request, I was still unable to play everyone's requests. Sorry about that.

This week's theme will be songs from the year you graduated high school. Please Note: this week's show will be on Monday night (we're headed to the beach). Hope to see you there (for the show, not at the beach)!

Self-Medicating

2009-06-12T01:44:00.002-04:00

Do you know what this contraption is?

It's a device that lets you kick your own ass.

You turn the thing on the left:

And four steel-toed boots kick you in the ass:

Just make sure you pay attention to Rule #4 or it is no longer an ass-kicking machine:

So… who would you like to put in this apparatus?

Please don't nominate me.

Creature From The Church Pond

2009-06-09T21:40:00.004-04:00

"OH GOD! DID YOU SEE THAT?" Ella screamed in a volume normally reserved for orgasms or when one spots a Chupacabra or Bigfoot.

"See what?" I asked.

"THAT CREATURE NEAR THE POND!"

Creature? She definitely had my attention. "What did It look like?"

"I don't know. I just saw It out of the corner of my eye. It was down by the pond, drinking water."

I asked my daughter and son if they saw It, but they were no help. So I turned the car back around, hoping I could catch a glimpse of the Creature.

"THERE! LOOK! THERE IT IS! DOWN BY THE WATER!"

I saw It standing at the edge of the retaining pond in front of the church. It was a grey Beast, as big as a medium-sized dog. As we got closer to the Creature, I noticed something. "Honey, that thing's not moving."

"That's because it's drinking water!"

"No. I think it's because it's a statue."

As we pulled up next to the pond, we discovered that I was right: it was just a statue that looked like it was drinking from the pond. But we still couldn't figure out what it was supposed to be. It was grey and had an arched back, like a cat ready to strike. "What the hell is that thing?" she asked.

"I don't know. A Chupacabra?"

"You wish, Monster Boy. I think it's a wolf or something."

"Yeah, it looks kind of like a small wolf. But what the hell is it doing down here?"

"No idea."

This was not an isolated incident. We have noticed several of these statues at different retaining ponds around our town, usually at churches. While I initially wrote it off as cult activity, a little Googling showed that the statues are coyotes.

What is the purpose of these coyote statues? To drive away geese.

But there's one little problem: the geese are just as afraid of the coyotes as they are of me. Every time we see one of these statues, there are always at least two geese nearby. Hell, even the teeniest goslings aren't afraid of the stupid coyote statues.

But the coyotes do serve a purpose. Every time we drive by one of the statues, my daughter will yell from the backseat, "Mommy! I see a Creature!" I laugh. Ella glares. It never gets old.

The family that rags each other, stays together.

Shangri-La

2009-06-08T00:23:00.005-04:00

This post is about a small place in Prospect Hill, North Carolina known as

What is Shangri-La? Allow its deceased creator, Henry L. Warren, to tell you:

Shangri-La is a small town that Henry L. Warren built in his front yard for the enjoyment of others. Here's a picture of Shangri-La:

Here's another:

Like any town, Shangri-La has a church:

Shangri-La also has a watermill:

Shangri-La also has lots of other buildings. Like this one:

And this one:

And this one:

And these:

And if you get hungry, there are plenty of rocks and straw for you to eat while at Shangri-La:

One of my favorite parts of Shangri-La are the shrine-like displays:

This was my second trip to Shangri-La and I'm sure I'll go back. Even though nothing new has been or will be added to it, I noticed things on this past trip I didn't see the first time out. And I'm sure the same thing will happen on future visits.

Songs About A Girl

2009-06-07T09:50:00.002-04:00

On Tuesday night, I did another one of my Nameless Twitter Radio Shows. This week's theme was songs with girls' names in the titles. Here's the playlist:

My Michelle by Guns N' Roses (me)
Darling Nikki by Prince (me)
Jenny Was A Friend Of Mine by The Killers (For A Different Kind Of Girl)
Proud Mary by Creedence Clearwater Revival (FlipFlopsChels)
Josie by Steely Dan (Mayberry Mom)
Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond (Chicky Chicky Baby)
Barbara Ann by The Beach Boys (Kimblahg)
My Sharona by The Knack (Habanerogal)
Annie Get Your Gun by Squeeze (Mr. Big Dubya)
Roxanne by The Police (ClumberKim)
Come On Eileen by Dexy's Midnight Runners (Notes From The Bunker)
Sweet Jane by Velvet Underground (Nicholebernier)
Michelle by The Beatles (Mommy Confessions)
Delia's Gone by Johnny Cash (Attack Of The Redneck Mommy)
Layla by Eric Clapton (Connecticut Mom)
Ruby Soho by Rancid (me)
Viva La Gloria by Green Day (me)
Beth by Kiss (Left Coast Floyds)
Julianne by Ben Folds Five (Down With Pants!)
Veronica by Elvis Costello (Motherbumper)
Molly's Chambers by Kings Of Leon (Mommymae)
867-5309 / Jenny by Tommy Tutone (The Stiletto Mom)
Carolyn's Fingers by Cocteau Twins (Coffeequeen)
Brandy (You're A Fine Girl) by Looking Glass (Ramblings Of A Tired Mama)
Valerie Loves Me by Material Issue (Cheeky's Hideaway)
Show Me Mary by Catherine Wheel (TwoBusy)
Meet Virginia by Train (The Weirdgirl)
Caroline by Concrete Blonde (Chunkybumble)
Christine by Siouxsie & The Banshees (Mommy Is Moody)
Rhiannon by Fleetwood Mac (Charming & Delightful)
Victoria by The Fall (me)

I'd like to thank everyone who came out for the show. Sorry I wasn't able to play everyone's requests. Hope to see you next week!

I Got What You Need: Fixing Biz Markie

2009-06-04T21:44:00.006-04:00

If you're like me, you've seen the Heineken commercial featuring Biz Markie's Just A Friend roughly 417 times in the past month. It's an effective anti-drunk-driving campaign, showing four inebriated late-night clubgoers sharing a cab and singing along to Just A Friend. It also makes great use of the song, as it is a perfect sing-song number, especially when you get to the chorus.

While I love the song, I've always had some major problems with it.

It's got some wiki-wiki-wiki-weak-assed rhymes.

Case in point:

Let me tell ya a story of my situation
I was talkin' to this girl from the U.S. nation

Every time I hear "U.S. nation," I cringe, I gag, and my ears start bleeding. U.S. nation? Who the hell talks like this besides Balki and Borat? There are plenty of other words that rhyme with the -ation in situation. He could've gone in any number of directions to make this a better song.

I was talkin' to this girl who was down with Creation
He could've weighed in on evolution vs. creationism.

I was talkin' to this girl from my mom's generation
The Biz could've invented the terms MILF or cougar if he had been clever enough.

I was talkin' to this girl who wanted equal taxation
Steve Forbes and Neal Boortz would've loved this.

I was talkin' to this girl writin' me a citation
He could've had his own Fuck Tha Police.

I was talkin' to this girl undergoin' mutation
Hipsters love their zombies.

I was talkin' to this girl sufferin' from starvation
He could've rapped about supermodels.

I was talkin' to this girl givin' dictation
Yeah, it doesn't make sense. But anytime you can use a word that mentions dick, do it. Plus, giving dictation sounds kind of dirty.

See how easy this is? If you're reading this, Mr. Markie, and decide to cut Just A Friend '09, there are a ton of other words you can use that would sound better than U.S. nation: flirtation, temptation, vibration, sensation, damnation, gyration, etc.

Just stay away from cremation and castration.

And for the love of God, do not mention lactation unless you want to experience the wrath of a thousand irate mommybloggers.

My New Quirk

2009-06-02T16:11:00.005-04:00

Over the weekend, I discovered I have a new problem. On Saturday, I started itching. Not just in one spot, but all over my body. This lasted for about thirty minutes. It was a fun way to pass the time.

On Monday night, I started itching again. I was talking to someone I had just met, someone with a good deal of respect in the community, and I was nervous. It was then that I put two and two together. I was also nervous about something on Saturday when I started itching.

Now when I meet new people, in addition to looking at the ground, stuttering, and sweating, I'll be itching up a storm as well. Nice.

And people wonder why I'm not going to BlogHer. I'd need a U-Haul just to pack all my neuroses and insecurities.

Blocking Out The Scenery, Breaking My Mind

2009-06-01T00:05:00.001-04:00

"So what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a sign."

"A sign? Like an omen or something?"

"Actually, I'm more of a signpost. I hold up a sign all day long, advertising for a company that's going out of business."

I've always wondered what a person with this occupation listed as his job title. Mobile marketer?

On Saturday, I became a signpost. I went to help my mother out with her yard sale and found that she had put two small yellow signs at the end of her driveway as the sole means of advertising the event. Since she lives on a busy highway (which is not the ideal place to have a yard sale in the first place), has a very steep driveway (another minus), and has lots of trees that obscure most of her driveway (strike three!), I realized those two puny signs weren't going to do much good. So I decided to help her out a bit.

I made a large sign that read "YARD SALE." I also made a bigger sign that listed some of the things we were selling. But this was not enough for me.

Like those poor bastards who have to dress up like the Statue of Liberty or a slice of pizza, I decided I needed a gimmick. Unfortunately, my mother's garage was short on gimmicks. In the end, I opted for a witch's hat.

So I donned the witch's hat, tied the list sign around my neck, held the YARD SALE sign in my hand, and stood by the side of the road. I figured I would use my other hand to wave at passersby and to flip off anyone who made fun of me.

Because anytime you create a plan of action, always have a method in place to deal with your detractors.

But I didn't really have many critics. There were a few who laughed or yelled things at me, but most people smiled and returned my wave. I even had a passing eighteen-wheeler blow its horn at me (and don't think my inner eight-year old didn't love that!).

I like to believe that I was responsible for a good portion of my mother's yard sale success ("Hey, Leigh-Anne. Look at that freak! I bet they got some good shit up there in that yard sale!"). But I won't lie to you: I'm sure if I were some hot little twenty-one-year-old hardbody in a skimpy bikini, I would've gotten much more traffic. And more honks, too.

Mental note: next time, ditch the witch's hat in favor of a bikini.

Songs That Spell

2009-05-31T07:47:00.002-04:00

On Tuesday night, I did another one of my Nameless Twitter Radio Shows. This week's theme was songs that spell out words in the lyrics. Here's the playlist:

Hell by Squirrel Nut Zippers (me)
Velouria by Pixies (me)
Saturday Night by Bay City Rollers (Motherbumper)
Lola by The Kinks (For A Different Kind Of Girl)
Method Of Modern Love by Hall & Oates (Cool Zebras)
Birdhouse In Your Soul by They Might Be Giants (Coffeequeen)
Respect by Aretha Franklin (FlipFlopsChels)
Fergalicious by Fergie (Charming & Delightful)
Hollaback Girl by Gwen Stefani (Punk Rock Parents)
D-I-V-O-R-C-E by Tammy Wynette (Mommymae)
Harbor Coat by R.E.M. (Down-To-Earth Mama)
R.O.C.K. In The U.S.A. by John Cougar Mellencamp (Gamerbabe360)
Safety Dance by Men Without Hats (A Smeddling Kiss)
Gloria by Van Morrison (Mommy Confessions)
Pinhead by Ramones (Kimblahg)
Your Dictionary by XTC (me)
Nothing by Violent Femmes (me)
The Boomin' System by LL Cool J (Down With Pants!)
What It Takes by Aerosmith (Notes From The Bunker)
Ouija Board, Ouija Board by Morrissey (The Weirdgirl)
I'm Henry The VIII, I Am by Herman's Hermits (ClumberKim)
Be Aggressive by Faith No More (Sashalyn)
Steal My Sunshine by Len (Halushki)
Mickey Mouse Club Theme (Backpacking Dad)
The Campfire Song from Spongebob Squarepants (A Smeddling Kiss)
Love by Nat King Cole (Honea Express)
Magic Johnson by Red Hot Chili Peppers (Mom-101)
F.E.E.L.I.N.G.C.A.L.L.E.D.L.O.V.E. by Pulp (No Artificial Scents Please)
Fire In Cairo by The Cure (me)
D.A.N.C.E. by Justice (Mamatulip)
Word Up by Cameo (me)
Quincy Punk Episode by Spoon (me)

I'd like to thank everyone for coming out for this week's show. Next week's show will be songs that have girls' names in the titles. Hope to see you there!

Here's the schedule for the next few weeks:

06.02 Songs about a girl
06.09 Desert island songs
06.16 Graduation year songs
06.23 Colorful songs
06.30 Covers
07.07 Artist Spotlight: David & David

If you can think of a theme that should be covered on one of my Nameless Twitter Radio Shows, please leave it in the comments. Thanks!