Cynical Dad

28 Days Later

2010-03-10T23:14:00.003-04:00

28 days ago, I turned 40.

28 days later, I'm still alive.

I had a hard time turning 40. So I decided to give myself a little present.

I stopped smoking.

Three days prior to turning 40, in the midst of my midlife crisis emotional breakdown, I decided that it would be a damn fine time to break a habit I'd been handcuffed to for over 25 years.

I-di-ot.

28 days ago, I took the kids to school. I came home, sat down at my usual smoking spot on the front steps, and had what I hoped would be my final cigarette.

28 days later, I'm still cigarette free.

I hope I can say the same thing 28 days from now.

I hope I can say the same thing 28 years from now.

Safe House

2010-03-07T23:22:00.003-04:00

I have been to the NC Zoo many times over the last 20 years. At least twice a year on average.

I like the zoo. Today, I learned how to let a chimpanzee know that I am friendly. And it really worked!

SPOILER ALERT!

You just drag your knuckles across the glass. Apparently, it lets the chimpanzee know he's in charge.

I do not know if that works in the wild. I guess you would need to carry a pane of glass with you at all times.

END SPOILER ALERT!

The NC Zoo has over five miles of paths that connect the exhibits. It is situated on 1,458 acres (according to Wikipedia, it is the largest walk-through natural-habitat zoo).

It is quite large.

And I'm totally convinced you could live in the woods at the zoo, undetected.

And you wouldn't even need any Rambo shit to pull it off.

Cigarette Songs

2010-03-01T23:35:00.004-04:00

I've mentioned it before, but I loved being a DJ in college. But how could you not love it?

I played music for everyone in a whopping eight-mile radius.

I heard new music before anyone else. The Internet has put everyone on equal footing, but this used to be a big deal.

Free posters.

Sorrority girls called the station to flirt with me. Why wasn't this my first point?

I played bumpers of alternative bands that the station had somehow bribed to announce their call letters.

Free bumper stickers.

I was in a tiny little room all by myself, the perfect getaway for a music-loving misanthrope.

I did two shows a week and garnered a bit of a following, even though I didn't go to school there. I met the Station Manager in a bar one night and, rather than hitting on her, hit her up for a job.

But there was one thing I didn't like about being a DJ.

There was one thing I didn't like about being all by myself.

Eventually, I'd need to take a leak. Or grab a smoke.

That's where the cigarette songs came in.

Cigarette songs were always marked in red on the albums (yes, we played ALBUMS in the early 90s. How fucking archaic was that?).

Cigarette songs were songs that were over five minutes in length.

Do you what you can accomplish in five minutes if you set your mind to it? A lot.

Hell, you can smoke and take a leak if you don't worry about washing your hands.

Scheming

2010-02-23T16:02:00.006-04:00

I'm going to be taking the rest of the week off.

In the meantime, I'm working on a project. A new site. And I'm looking for people to join me.

If you are between the ages of 35-45, funny, and would like to write ~~for me~~ with me, drop me a line.

Scrabble With The Pig Troll

2010-02-16T07:30:00.000-04:00

I spend a lot of time on Facebook.

Unlike most people who use Facebook, I don't use it to connect, network, or anything like that. I use it to play Scrabble. If my laptop's on, there's a damn good chance that one of Firefox's tabs contains the following:

Yeah, I know all the cool kids are playing Words With Friends on their fancy phones. What can I say? I'm ~~cheap~~ ~~old skool~~ a loser. Since most of the people I "know" are playing Words With Friends, I've been playing Scrabble with complete strangers. Every once in awhile, I'll come across someone who wants a rematch or something. I actually played about ten games with one girl until she told me that she was "headed to the bush for 3 weeks" at the "oil patch in Alberta" and she hoped "they had Internet." I didn't really understand what this meant. I think it was code for "Sayonara, chump!" Actually, it kind of reminded me of my relationships in high school where I thought I had found true love and all that jazz until the girl of my dreams suddenly decided she needed to save the Italian frescoes or something.

Lately, I have started playing Scrabble with people I know from Twitter and blogs. They come into my neighborhood and slum it for a friendly game or two. Nobody's died yet. There might be needles behind the dumpster, but...

Where was I?

Oh yeah! The Pig Troll.

Like I said, I play a lot of Scrabble. And if you're paying attention, you might see some weird-ass ad on Facebook in a spot normally reserved for the hot and heavy farm and mafia come-ons. Like the one in the picture I showed you above.

You weren't paying attention before, were you? I should have told you there would be a quiz later.

Here it is again:

Did you see that crazy ad in the bottom right? Let me enlarge it for you:

What the fuck is that? It's got to be a Pig Troll, right? Or maybe a Troll Pig? Or something totally different. But it's definitely got some pig and troll in there somewhere.

In addition to discovering the correct name for this Facebook fiend, I'd also like to know what it has to do with Recession Relief. Will they lower my credit card debt if I agree to adopt a Pig Troll?

Or is this some top secret government program where they inject me with swine flu and turn me into a Pig Troll if I let them tear up my credit card bills?

Is this the Change that Obama promised?

The Butt Egg

2010-02-15T10:16:00.003-04:00

The four of us were in the grocery store when the following question echoed through the produce section, "Where do babies come from?"

Oh hell, I thought. This is not the right time for this conversation.

Actually, I don't have a clue when this conversation should take place. But I do know it only involves Zoey and her mother and does not take place in Piggly Wiggly. So I tried to move the conversation along.

"You already know where babies come from, Zoey. Do you want any grapes for snack this week?"

"I know I was in Mommy's belly. But how did I get out?"

"Do you want grapes for snack this week?"

"Did I come out her butt?"

As we tried to stifle our laughter, Ella said, "No, honey. You didn't come out of my butt."

Zoey looked confused. After a few seconds, she finally asked, "Then were did I hatch out of?"

We really need to sit down and have The Talk.

Self-Love Day

2010-02-14T11:10:00.001-04:00

It's Self-Love Day!

I participated two years ago, but last year I was busy showering a redneck.

Anyway, Self-Love Day was created by Hilly at Snackiepoo as an alternative to Valentine's Day, a day when each participant could yell to the world something he loved about himself. Or if not the world, the few people that stumbled across his blog. And then his friends and readers were supposed to share something they loved about that person.

Truth: I am normally a negative, insecure person. I don't really love anything about myself. But this year is different. This year, I am quite proud of the difference I have made in my community. I have helped many families and have seen firsthand the difference my contributions have made.

So now it's your turn. You're supposed to share something you love about me. And don't be shy! Feel free to tell me you LOVE how hot my ass looks in these jeans!

Songs About Getting Older

2010-02-13T22:28:00.002-04:00

Losing My Edge by LCD Soundsystem (me)
Changes by David Bowie (me)
Hey Nineteen by Steely Dan (Dereksmommissy)
When You Were Young by The Killers (For A Different Kind Of Girl)
Growing Old by Origin (Mr. Big Dubya)
Glory Days by Bruce Springsteen (FlipFlopsChels)
Landslide by The Smashing Pumpkins (My A-Cup Runneth Over)
When I'm 64 by The Beatles (Connecticut Mom)
Like A Stone by Audioslave (A Vapid Blonde)
I'm An Adult Now by The Pursuit Of Happiness (Major Bedhead)
Time by Pink Floyd (Harmzie's Way)
My Back Pages by Bob Dylan (Ramblings Of A Tired Mama)
Old Friends/Bookends by Simon And Garfunkel (All Blogged Up And Nowhere To Go)
Bastard by Ben Folds (Not-For-Profit Dad)
Come Dancing by The Kinks (Pet Cobra)
Ooh La La by Faces (Confessions Of A Recovering Journalist)
100 Years by Five For Fighting (PapaRocks6)
Middle Of The Road by The Pretenders (A Smeddling Kiss)
Growing Old Is Getting Old by Silversun Pickups (Luke, I Am Your Father)
Once In A Lifetime by Talking Heads (EarnestGirl)
Wake Up by Arcade Fire (me)
Midlife Crisis by Faith No More (me)
Pig by Weezer (me)
Wouldn't It Be Nice by The Beach Boys (me)

Radio Radio

2010-02-11T12:40:00.002-04:00

The problem with Top 40 radio is that it's so damn repetitive.

Sure, you can listen to other formats, like alternative, country, classic rock, retro whatever, NPR, college radio, etc. You can listen to those channels that have a guy's name that like to sprinkle in hits from the '80s with their Top 40. But it's still the same, except for a Hooters song every once in awhile.

The problem with Top 40 radio is that it's so damn repetitive.

Several weeks ago, Lady GaGa's Bad Romance landed atop Billboard's weekly Pop Songs chart and, in the process, set a record. Billboard monitors 132 Top 40 radio stations across the United States. Their playlists are used to compile the Pop Songs chart. Several weeks ago, Bad Romance was played 10,859 times on these 132 stations (which works out to every station playing the song once every two hours), the most spins a song had received in one week in the chart's 17-year history.

The problem with Top 40 radio is that it's so damn repetitive.

Lady GaGa's record lasted one week. The following week, Ke$ha's Tik Tok was played 11,224 times.

The problem with Top 40 radio is that it's so damn repetitive.

40 Is The New Midlife Crisis

2010-02-10T08:51:00.000-04:00

It's Cynical Dad Day!

Yeah, whatever.

So this morning didn't feel any different than any other. I woke up alive. No new aches and pains. And like James said, I didn't start craving Metamucil.

So there's that.

However, I'm still having a hard time dealing with this. 40 just seems so fucking old.

Oh well.

Last year at this time, I said that I would stop blogging today, claiming that 40 was just too old to have a blog. This might disappoint some of you, but I've decided to keep at it. And more frequently, too.

What else do I have planned? I don't know. Maybe I'll get a tattoo. Maybe I'll dye my hair purple (I looked good with purple hair). Maybe I'll run for public office. Maybe I'll start a Violent Femmes cover band. Maybe I'll just sit around and play Scrabble with unsuspecting victims on the web.

Or maybe I'll just get over myself and realize 40 isn't any different than 39, 38, or 26. Maybe I'll buy into that whole "You're only as old as you feel" line of bullshit.

Maybe not.

***

I'd like to thank everyone for all the well wishes I've received through comments, Facebook, Twitter, and email this week. I appreciate it.

Changes

2010-02-09T00:01:00.001-04:00

I have come to the realization that I'm no longer cool.

To be 100% truthful, I've come to the realization that I've never been cool. I've been doing a damn fine job of lying to myself for quite some time. Denial is fun, fun, fun!

Anyway, a combination of factors have contributed to a recent change in my diet:

Cynical Dad Day will be no fun this year as I'm one day from turning 40.
They took my sports radio away.
I recently completed an 800-mile trip in a car borrowed from my father-in-law (long story) where the only disc in the glovebox was an Elvis Gospel CD.

Somewhere in the mountains of Virginia, a song came on the radio. Normally, I would've immediately changed the channel. But the pickings were slim, so I listened to the song. Really listened to it, for the very first time.

It was Lady Gaga's Paparazzi.

I listened.

And I liked it.

I became a Lady Gaga fan. Not just Lady GaGa, either. As the trip wore on, I found more Top 40 songs that I liked. But GaGa stuck with me. When I got home, I downloaded the album. Watched and enjoyed her performance with Elton John at the Grammys. Watched some of her music videos.

And I came to the following conclusion: Lady GaGa is the last rock star on the planet.

Don't get me wrong. Despite my newfound love of Top 40, there are still plenty of songs I won't listen to. Taylor Swift still sucks. So does that lameass Fireflies song.

And if you refer to the police as po-po, I'm switching the channel.

The Cynical Dad Super Bowl Ad Spectacular

2010-02-08T10:21:00.019-04:00

These are my Top 6 ads from Super Bowl XLIV:

6. CareerBuilder.com

I actually saw this commercial a few days ago, so I don't know if it should count as an "official" Super Bowl commercial. But it was too funny to leave off the list.

5. Monster.com

Anything that makes me think of Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas is aces in my book.

4. kgb

Sumo wrestler!

3. Doritos

No commercial made me laugh harder this one.

2. Audi

Audi's ad for their green car was a hilarious (and scary) look at environmentalists (how long do you this we are from this actually happening?). Bonus: they reworked a Cheap Trick song!

1. Snickers

"That's not what your girlfriend says." HA! As always, Betty White was hilarious. I just wish Abe Vigoda had more of a role in the commercial.

And for the 214th year in the row, the absolute worst commercial involved the stupid Budweiser Clydesdale horses. Have I mentioned how much I hate them? Oh yes. I have.

I would love to see Miller run a variation of the following ad. And if anyone from Miller is reading, you can take this idea FOR FREE.

INT. BARN - DAY
Young Cowboy is petting a sick Clydesdale horse. An older cowboy walks behind him to comfort him.

OLD COWBOY
Sorry, Slim.

YOUNG COWBOY
(sadly)
But Bud's always been my favorite.

OLD COWBOY
I know. But sometimes you've got to do
what's right.

INT. COUNTRY HOUSE - DAY
A loud GUNSHOT rings out in the distance. Young Cowboy puts his head down on the kitchen table. Old Cowboy enters, opens the refrigerator, and pulls out a Miller High Life.

OLD COWOBY
(hands beer to Young Cowboy)
Here, boy. Have a real beer.

Beating Bill Simmons 2009: Super Bowl

2010-02-06T22:40:00.001-04:00

I'll keep this short and sweet. I didn't do nearly as well as I have in the past with my postseason picks. Hell, there's a chance I'll finish below .500 for the first time in my three years of picks. But for the second year in a row, I'll beat Simmons.

So there.

So here's my pick for Super Bowl XLIV (Bill's pick in red):

Colts (-4.5) over Saints
There is NO WAY the Saints will come close to winning this game. Petyon Manning is just TOO good. Indianapolis will win by at least 10. It's been seven years since we've seen a good ass-beating in the Super Bowl (Bucs over Raiders). I think we'll see another on Sunday.

Playoffs

Me: 5-5
Simmons: 4-6

Let's Talk About Sexy

2010-02-04T23:02:00.004-04:00

Guess where I am today? I'm part of the Mominatrix's Valentine's Day Gift Guide!

Actually, that sentence makes it sound like you can purchase me as a Valentine's Day gift.

You can't.

Sorry, folks.

Anyway, she asked a bunch of us dads what we found sexy.

Curious?

Oy

2010-02-03T22:50:00.004-04:00

A week from today, I turn 40.

Forty.

That's really old.

I'm having a hard time coming to terms with this.

I've been debating dying my hair blue, putting my earrings back in, and getting a tattoo.

It's cheaper than buying a Corvette.

Songs About Cars

2010-01-30T23:45:00.002-04:00

Bitchin' Camaro by The Dead Milkmen
Slick Black Cadillac by Quiet Riot
Fuel by Metallica (Hegemom)
Mercedes Benz by Janis Joplin (Issa's Crazy World)
Hot Rod Lincoln by Commander Cody And His Lost Planet Airmen (Pet Cobra)
Cars That Go Boom by L'Trimm (TwoBusy)
My Hooptie by Sir Mix-A-Lot (Mr. Big Dubya)
Tennessee Plates by John Hiatt (Charming & Delightful)
Crawling From The Wreckage by Dave Edmunds (Major Bedhead)
Paradise By The Dashboard Light by Meat Loaf (For A Different Kind Of Girl)
Jesus Built My Hotrod by Ministry (Sarah And The Goon Squad)
Little Red Corvette by Prince (The Zero Boss and Punk Rock Parents)
Cars by Gary Numan (Stay At Home Mom Going Quickly Insane)
Panama by Van Halen (My Mommy's Place)
Low Rider by WAR (Coffeequeen)
Big Yellow Taxi by Counting Crows and Vanessa Carlton (The Weirdgirl)
Black Sunshine by White Zombie (Dereksmommissy)
Brand New Cadillac by The Clash (All Blogged Up And Nowhere To Go)
Highway Star by Metal Church (The Imperfect Parent)
Detroit Rock City by Kiss (me)
El Camino by Ween (me)
Cadillac by T. Rex (me)
Sausalito Summer Nights by Diesel (Major Bedhead)
The Passenger by Iggy Pop (The Weirdgirl)
Jerry Was A Race Car Driver by Primus (me)
Stickshifts And Safetybelts by Cake (Spellweavers and Undomestic Diva)
Yuppie Cadillac by Jello Biafra and The Melvins (me)
Fast Cars by The Buzzcocks (me)

The Wimpy School System Made My Daughter Cry

2010-01-29T08:55:00.000-04:00

The weather gods are calling for over a foot of snow for us tonight and tomorrow. If we get anywhere near that amount, I'm sure schools will be closed all of next week.

The snow is not supposed to start until after dark. Yet we got the robocall at 5:15 AM this morning (do they really need to call that damn early?) letting us know that school would close two hours early today.

Most kids are excited if school is closed early. My daughter is normally one of them.

On days she doesn't have a scheduled field trip.

I called before we left for school and discovered that her field trip had been canceled. The tears starting flowing.

I know that the schools would rather be safe than sorry, but there's no reason to close school two hours early because of a snowstorm that's not supposed to start until 7:00 PM.

Tweets Of The Week XIX

2010-01-27T01:07:00.002-04:00

"If I wanted to read your tweets, I'd follow your ass on Twitter."

"Bite me."

Super Mario Bros Wii has more false endings than a Friday the 13th flick. -- 01.25.10
Since New Orleans won the OT coin flip, marched down the field and scored (leaving Favre no chance), the OT rule will be changed next year. -- 01.24.10
I'm playing a game of Scrabble on Facebook. So far, I've spelled HOT, KEG, and UNZIPS. Apparently, I'm playing the R-rated version. -- 01.21.10
Radio stations played Lady Ga Ga's Bad Romance 10,859 times last week. I think my local station account for 9,000 of them. -- 01.20.10
Cosmo declared, "The thong is dead!" I declare, "Cosmo can suck it!" -- 01.20.10

Songs With Handclaps

2010-01-24T14:00:00.000-04:00

Close To Me by The Cure (me)
New York Groove by Ace Frehley (me)
I Could Never Take The Place Of Your Man by Prince (Dereksmommissy)
Private Eyes by Hall & Oates (Mr. Big Dubya)
Don't Bring Me Down by E.L.O. (Pet Cobra)
I'd Like That by XTC (Too Much About Paul)
Take The Money And Run by Steve Miller Band (Nms3g2b)
Stuck In The Middle With You by Stealers Wheel (Cubicle Dad)
Jack & Diane by John Cougar (Chunkybumble)
20th Century Boy by T. Rex (Confessions Of A Recovering Journalist)
Cecilia by Simon & Garfunkel (Deb On The Rocks)
Zak And Sara by Ben Folds (Major Bedhead)
Hollaback Girl by Gwen Stefani (Kimblahg)
Radio Ga Ga by Queen (For A Different Kind Of Girl)
Where It's At by Beck (me)
The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song by The Flaming Lips (me)
Mickey by Toni Basil (Spellweavers)
No Fun by The Stooges (Sarah And The Goon Squad)
Party All The Time by Eddie Murphy (TwoBusy)
Single Ladies by Pomplamoose (A Vapid Blonde)
Rock The Casbah by The Clash (The Weirdgirl)
I Love Rock 'N' Roll by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts (Luke, I Am Your Father)
Faith by George Michael (My Mommy's Place)
Saturday Night by Bay City Rollers (Swirl Girl's Pearls)
Particle Man by They Might Be Giants (me)
The Boy With The Arab Strap by Belle And Sebastian (me)
My Best Friend's Girl by The Cars (me)
TV Party by Black Flag (me)
Quick And To The Pointless by Queens Of The Stone Age (All Blogged Up And Nowhere To Go)
Pumping On Your Stero by Supergrass (me)
Car Wash by Rose Royce (me)

Beating Bill Simmons 2009: Conference Championships

2010-01-23T21:12:00.003-04:00

I'm far from happy with my .500 record in the playoffs this year. But I realized last week I can chalk that up to the Ravens and the Cardinals. In the Wild Card round, I undervalued both teams. In the Divisional playoffs, I overvalued both teams. Since they're both out of it, I feel confident I will be perfect for the rest of the postseason and finish with my second consecutive 7-4 record.

Here are my picks for the Conference Championships (home teams in CAPS, Bill's picks in red):

Jets (+8) over COLTS
If Karma truly exists, the Jets would kick the Colts' asses on Sunday for rolling over and letting them into the playoffs. While I am quite smitten with the Jets and Rex Ryan, I don't think they'll win this game. They'll be able to run all day with their 1-2 punch of Thomas Jones and Shonn Greene, allowing Sanchez to simply manage the game. But Manning and his crew will eventually prevail by a FG.

Vikings (+3.5) over SAINTS
Yeah, only an idiot would pick both dogs. But I did. As smitten as I am with the Jets, I'm even more smitten with the Vikings. They were my preseason pick to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl, and I'm not turning my back on them now. I look for Adrian Peterson (remember him?) to have a H-U-G-E game as the Saints have shown problems stopping the run in the past. The Vikings will win this high-scoring game by a TD.

Last Week

Me: 2-2
Simmons: 3-1

Playoffs

Me: 4-4
Simmons: 3-5

Tweets Of The Week XVIII

2010-01-19T21:32:00.002-04:00

Hey! Remember when I had that totally annoying regular feature where I would post some of my tweets from the previous week? Guess what's back!

You just got bitch-slapped by Narnia! -- 01.13.10
If he's the new Sinatra, can I be the old Jay-Z? -- 01.14.10
Wow. Axl Rose has less than 12,000 followers on Twitter. -- 01.14.10
It's going to be a long season for the Tar Heels. -- 01.16.10
David Silver is engaged to Megan Fox? For real? How does that happen? -- 01.17.10
So if I just started typing random crazy crap in this box and later claimed that someone hacked my account, could I get away with it? -- 01.18.10
I think I need to dye my hair blue. 40 is not going to be pretty for me. -- 01.19.10

Admit it. You missed it.

My New Addiction

2010-01-18T09:04:00.002-04:00

So I've got a new addiction: I've been playing Scrabble on Facebook a lot lately. I'm not that great, but I don't let that stop me.

If you're on Facebook and fancy a game, send me a request. Actually, I have no idea how this works.* I just join public games all the time.

*I'm the guy who's owned a Wii since early August and just found out yesterday I can connect through our WiFi. I still don't do anything with it, but I can get the weather from my Wii now. Is that a plus? I don't know.

And if anyone wants to play me a game of Super Mario Kart Wii, I'm up for it! Just realize you'll probably have to walk me through the process.

Beating Bill Simmons 2009: Divisional Playoffs

2010-01-16T00:06:00.003-04:00

I went 2-2 with my picks last weekend. Pretty pathetic.

But then I looked at ESPN's eight so-called experts. Only one of them did better than I did. Monday Night Football's Ron Jaworski went 0-4 in his wild card picks.

And so did Simmons.

BOO-YAH!

Here are my picks for the divisional playoffs (home teams in CAPS, Bill's picks in red):

Cardinals (+7) over SAINTS
I don't really buy into the Saints anymore. For the first 10 weeks of the season, they looked unstoppable. But since the loss to the Cowboys, they've looked flat. This game should be even more high-scoring than last week's Cardinals-Packers game, but I look for Arizona to win this game outright.

Ravens (+6.5) over COLTS
I think the Colts will make it to the Super Bowl. The Ravens will be able to run the ball against the Colts, but the Colts will win by a FG.

VIKINGS (-2.5) over Cowboys
Yeah, the Cowboys have looked really good lately. But there's no way they'll be able to keep up with Minnesota. If they stop Peterson, they'll have to deal with Favre. If they stop Favre, they'll have to deal with Peterson. Either way, they'll lose this one.

Jets (+7) over CHARGERS
Three weeks ago, I thought the Chargers were the best team in the NFL. But I've totally bought into the Jets. They'll beat the Chargers by a FG.

Last Week

Me: 2-2
Simmons: 0-4

Death Town 3000

2010-01-14T11:28:00.005-04:00

I was walking to my daughter's classroom the other day and noticed a big display of projects done by the third graders. From what I could gather, they were supposed to draw a picture of a city or town. While 99% of the children used their imagination and created their own town, one kid drew Canada (the hell?).

A good portion of the kids chose their favorite sports team and created a city. There were Tar Heel towns, Blue Devil cities, Panther lands, and one poor kid actually chose the Bobcats to model his town after. There were children who used things they liked: there was a Video Game Land, Soccer Town, Star Wars Town, Spiderman City, and Fairyville (which instantly made me think of Wayne Hoobler).

But the one I was drawn to was Death Town 3000. In addition to sounding like a White Zombie album, there were vultures circling the city, skulls and bones on the ground, and zombies (yes, zombies) walking around the city.

I want to adopt this kid. Or at the very least, coach his baseball team or something.

Thoughts On One-Hit Wonders

2010-01-12T12:51:00.002-04:00

Last week, I did a show dedicated to one-hit wonders. To me, a one-hit wonder is a band that only had one hit. Anyone disagree with that statement? No? Let's move on.

I discovered when you send a tweet that states Radiohead is a one-hit wonder, people will quickly disagree with you.

Time to drop some knowledge so we can put this behind us:

First of all, I am only going by the US charts. I live in the US. I hardly keep up with the US charts, let alone those of other countries. But according to the charts, Radiohead is a one-hit wonder in the United States.

If you go this Wikipedia page, you'll see two charts for the US. One is the Modern Rocks Tracks chart, which is a list of the Top 40 alternative songs played on radio stations each week. It is based solely on airplay, not sales. This chart was not used.

The chart used was the one labeled US, or the Billboard Hot 100 chart. This chart lists the top 100 songs in the United States each week based on airplay and sales. This is the only chart that matters.

If you look down that column, you'll see that Radiohead only had two Top 40 hits in the United States, Creep and Nude. Nude should not count as a Top 40 single. Why? Glad you asked.

When Radiohead released Nude as a single, they also held a remix contest. Radiohead made stems of the song available for download. You could download the bass part, the vocals, the guitar part, and so on. There were five separate downloads available that could be mixed together to form the song. However, these stems were counted towards sales for Radiohead's Nude. Does the drum track of Nude count as Nude? The sales figures for Nude were hugely inflated due to the remix contest. Therefore, Nude should not count as a Top 40 hit in the United States for Radiohead.

Therefore, Radiohead only had one Top 40 hit in the United States. Creep.

I know Radiohead have won tons of awards, sold tons of albums, are big in other countries, and are the darlings of music critics.

But they're a one-hit wonder in the United States.