Cynical Dad

Beating Bill Simmons 2009: Week Nine

2009-11-07T23:13:00.002-04:00

No time for commentary this week. But after my poor showing lhttp://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=14295763ast week, is that really such a bad thing?

Here are my picks for week nine (home teams in CAPS, Bill's picks in red):

FALCONS (-10) over Redskins
Cards (+3) over BEARS
Ravens (-3) over BENGALS
Texans (+9) over COLTS
JAGS (-6.5) over Chiefs
Packers (-9.5) over BUCS
Dolphins (+10) over PATS
NINERS (-4) over Titans
Panthers (+13) over SAINTS
Lions (+10) over SEAHAWKS
Chargers (+4.5) over GIANTS
Cowboys (+3) over EAGLES
BRONCOS (+3) over Steelers

Last Week

Me: 4-9
Simmons: 4-9

SEASON

Me: 61-54-1
Simmons: 68-47-1

Friday Night Earworm

2009-11-06T19:34:00.000-04:00

This, my friends, is how to make a music video:

And if you're reading this and the video has been pulled, it was for the latest single, You Know Me, by Robbie Williams.

Man In Car

2009-11-05T23:25:00.000-04:00

Rejected. Again.

Maybe it was the repulsive stench of fear, desperation, and awkwardness that permeated through every pore of my body.

Maybe it was the robotic spiel where I spit out a thousand words in ninety seconds without coming up for air.

Maybe they watched me rehearse in my rearview mirror. A Comedy of Errors. Practicing my lines, smiling, laughing, acting confident. I look human. A total lie. The guy in the mirror is so much easier to talk to than the guy behind the counter.

Every once in awhile, they throw me a bone. Maybe out of pity. Maybe I'm scaring the customers. Maybe they really do want to help.

But not this time. I go back to the car and drive to another place.

And start working on my lines.

27

2009-11-04T23:33:00.000-04:00

It's the top of the ninth and the Yankees are leading 7-3 over the Phillies. They are three outs away from their 27th Word Series title. Time to jump in and provide commentary!

11:38 PM Personally, I thought it was a bad idea to bring Rivera in so early. They had a four-run lead. He didn't need to record the final five outs. Maybe Joe was trying to make sure Mariano would be named MVP?

11:39 PM Rivera's set to face Francisco, Ruiz, and Rollins this inning.

11:42 PM And they've brought in Matt Stairs to bat for Francisco.

11:43 PM Line drive to Jeter. One away.

11:43 PM Carlos Ruiz at the plate.

11:45 PM Full count on Ruiz.

11:46 PM Rivera walks Ruiz.

11:46 PM Double play time!

11:46 PM Rollins doesn't get enough. Long fly out to Swisher.

11:47 PM One out away! Victorino at the plate.

11:48 PM Big whiff. One strike away!

11:49 PM Victorino has fouled off three in a row.

11:50 PM Make that four.

11:50 PM Full count. 9-pitch AB.

11:50 PM Ground out to Cano! BALL GAME!

11:52 PM How about Matsui's night? 3 for 4, 2B, HR, 6 RBI. Wow.

11:54 PM It's cool seeing each individual player's reaction to the final out.

11:57 PM And they're already trying to sell us stuff! Only $29.99 for a Yankees World Series Champs hat. Gotta love capitalism.

12:01 AM Time for South Park. Night everyone!

It's been a pretty good year for me, sportswise (yeah, I made that up). Carolina won the NCAA tournament in April and now the Yankees win the World Series.

You listening to this, Panthers?

Tweets Of The Week XIII

2009-11-03T22:12:00.001-04:00

Yeah. That time again.

So there's an online service that lets you rent books (like Netflix, only with books). Um... isn't this called a library? -- 10.30.09
I wish my kids were old enough to go to haunted houses. Or weren't afraid of haunted houses. -- 10.30.09
Dear Open Office, Why have I ignored your call for so long? Signed, Your new BFF, Chag -- 10.30.09
New neighbors gave out cheeseburgers to the adults as treats. And the wife was in a French maid costume. Best neighbors ever. -- 10.31.09
I'm sick of the girl who's in her pajamas but not going to bed. Go to college, go to hell. I don't care. Just go away. -- 11.03.09

Ignore me.

An Open Letter To Joe Girardi

2009-11-02T17:29:00.002-04:00

Hey Joe--

First of all, I've got to tell you I'm a lifelong Yankees fan. I also feel you've done a hell of a job managing the team and the different personalities this year. Hell, A-Rod alone must've caused more than a few gray hairs!

Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, I've got to tell you that I feel you're making a B-I-G mistake tonight by starting A.J. Burnett on three days of rest. Burnett isn't the most consistent pitcher on your team; you never know what you're going to get when he takes the mound. I have three big concerns concerning tonight's game:

Burnett is pitching on three days of rest. Is he capable of doing that? I have my doubts.
He is pitching away from Yankee Stadium. He has a 3.51 ERA at home this year and a 4.54 ERA away from Yankee Stadium. In the World Series, where every run is important, do you think you really need to give up an extra run?
He'll be going against a fully-rested Cliff Lee, the guy with a microscopic 0.54 ERA this postseason.

If I managed the Yankees, I would start a sacrifical lamb like Charles Gaudin in tonight's Game 5. If he goes out there and gets the win, GREAT! But if Gaudin doesn't, you would have a fully-rested Burnett ready for game 6 at home. Doesn't that make more sense?

But I'm fully expecting the Yankees to lose tonight given Burnett's away performance this year and Lee's lights-out postseason record. You're planning on pitching Andy Pettitte in Game 6, also on three days of rest. Dude is 37 years old and has never pitched on three days notice. This will not end well. Then you'll have Sabitha on the mound for the make-or-break Game 7. Is this really how you want things to go down?

I hope I'm wrong. I hope Burnett goes out there tonight and pitches a perfect game. But I wouldn't be too surprised if my scenario comes to fruition.

Good luck!

Hugs & Kisses,
Chag

More Scary Music

2009-11-01T23:52:00.000-04:00

On Tuesday night, I did another one of my Nameless Twitter Radio Shows. This week's theme was scary music. Like last year's Halloween show, I played horror movie trailers between songs. Unlike last year's Halloween show, I showed up 30 minutes late.

Anyway, here's the playlist:

Mechanical Man by Billy Joe Armstrong (me)
Trailer: Zombieland
Boris The Spider by The Who (me)
Trailer: Children Of The Corn
I Put A Spell On You by Screamin' Jay Hawkins (Confessions Of A Recovering Journalist)
Trailer: 28 Days Later
Werewolves Of London by Warren Zevon (The Weirdgirl)
Trailer: Frankenhooker
This Is Halloween from The Nightmare Before Christmas (Major Bedhead)
Trailer: Creepshow
Everyday Is Halloween by Ministry (Chunkybumble)
Trailer: Child's Play
Bela Lugosi's Dead by Bauhaus (For A Different Kind Of Girl)
Trailer: Friday The 13th: The Final Chapter
Do The Bruce Campbell by MC Lars & YTCracker (me)
Trailer: My Name Is Bruce
Tubular Bells by Mike Oldfield (Mr. Big Dubya)
Trailer: The Exorcist
Theme from Tales From The Crypt by Danny Elfman (Sashalyn)
Trailer: April Fool's Day
Fairground by Pulp (me)
Trailer: Happy Birthday To Me
Dragula by Rob Zombie (Funny Things Are Everywhere)
Trailer: Silent Night, Deadly Night
We're All Going To Hell by The Bastard Fairies (me)
Trailer: Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes
1, 2, Freddy's Coming For You from A Nightmare On Elm Street (Ramblings Of A Tired Mama)
Trailer: Night Of The Comet
I Will by Radiohead (All Blogged Up And Nowhere To Go)
Trailer: Student Bodies
Do They Know It's Halloween? by North American Halloween Prevention Institute (me)

I'd like to thank everyone for coming out and once again, I apologize for my tardiness.

And in honor of their new album, this week's show will be devoted to Weezer.

I can hear some of you groaning.

Beating Bill Simmons 2009: Week Eight

2009-10-31T23:55:00.002-04:00

Cynical Dad NFL Power Index

Here are my top six teams in the NFL:

New Orleans Saints (6-0)
Indianapolis Colts (6-0)
Denver Broncos (6-0)
Minnesota Vikings (6-1)
New England Patriots (5-2)
Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2)

I had a really good week last week. Time to add to it! Here are my picks for week eight (home teams in CAPS, Bill's picks in red):

Broncos (+3.5) over RAVENS
The Broncos have a much better defense than the Ravens.

Texans (-3.5) over BILLS
Yeah, the Texans fell asleep during the second half last weekend. But this is Buffalo!

Browns (+13) over BEARS
Chicago will win this one easily, but not by two TDs. They still have no running game.

Dolphins (+3) over JETS
The Dolphins are much better than their 2-4 record indicates.

COLTS (-12.5) over Niners
Can't wait for the Colts-Saints Super Bowl!

COWBOYS (-9.5) over Seahawks
Can't believe I'm taking the Cowboys and laying nearly ten points.

LIONS (-3.5) over Rams
Win #2! Win #2! Win #2! Win #2!

Giants (-1) over EAGLES
Philadelphia fans suffer two heartbreaks in one day.

Raiders (+16.5) over CHARGERS
Raiders will still lose by two TDs.

Jags (+3) over TITANS
Vince Young returns this weekend for the Titans. But the wins don't.

CARDINALS (-10) over Panthers
It was against the Cardinals that Jake Delhomme imploded and hasn't been the same since. If he returns to the scene of the crime, will he be able to turn things around like a Freaky Friday moment?

SAINTS (-11) over Falcons
The Saints are unstoppable force that just laughs at the Vegas odds.

Vikings (+3) over PACKERS
I really, really wanted to take the Packers. Still do.

Screw it. Let's call an audible.

PACKERS (-3) over Vikings
Minnesota's defense is banged up. The Packers want revenge. This should be a great game as long as you have a mute button.

Last Week

Me: 9-3-1
Simmons: 6-6-1

SEASON

Me: 57-45-1
Simmons: 64-38-1

DISCLAIMER: This is provided for entertainment purposes only. If you follow my advice, you are a fool.

Seriously, if you ever spend money based on something I say, have your head examined.

Nothing To See Here

2009-10-30T12:54:00.002-04:00

I'm over at DadCentric today for Alumni Week. In my post, I give mommybloggers some unsolicited advice.

What can I say? I'm a giver.

Tweets Of The Week XII

2009-10-29T23:30:00.002-04:00

You guys know how much I rock, right?

Getting quotes on a new heating/cooling unit to replace our broken one. Didn't realize the systems were made of gold. -- 10.21.09
How did Paul Reiser end up in Aliens? Did James Cameron lose a bet or something? -- 10.23.09
The kids broke the question mark key off my laptop today. Good thing I already knew the answers to everything. -- 10.24.09
Great! Twitter introduces Twitter Lists, yet another thing to measure our popularity against our peers. You win! -- 10.29.09
I'm going to start following people I hate so I can make an Enemies List with Twitter Lists. Useful! -- 10.29.09

P.S. I'll put you on my Enemies List if you put me on yours.

Admit Four

2009-10-27T11:51:00.001-04:00

I have a love-hate relationship with Twitter. While I love the fact that it's easy to broadcast my thoughts (and radio show!) out there and read the thoughts of others, I hate the mob mentality of the joint. Anytime someone feels wronged by a particular brand or organization and sends a tweet about the incident, hundreds or thousands of people (depending on the person's popularity) will start bashing said brand or organization. It's ridiculous.

People spend too much time on Twitter bashing companies. When was the last time someone on Twitter expressed his love for a company (when he wasn't being compensated in some form for doing so)? There are a lot of good companies out there doing great things and making a difference. However, we seldom hear about them.

With that off my chest, I want you to know that I love AMC Theaters.

Once a month, we drive about 90 miles to see a movie. Kind of strange, huh? But it's really the only movie that all members of my family can see. Once a month, AMC Theaters, in partnership with the Autism Society of America, holds a Sensory Friendly Films program. It's always a kids' flick (we've seen Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs and Where The Wild Things Are), but it's geared towards those with autism or sensory issues. During the special showing, the sound is softer than at a normal theater. The lights are dimmed so you can still see around you. You are allowed to bring in your own snacks in case your child is on a special diet. And no one looks at you funny or shushes you because your kid is wandering the aisles, bouncing, or making too much noise. It's great!

I'd like to publicly applaud AMC Theaters for their Sensory Friendly Films program. Without a program like this, families like mine would never be able to see a movie in public.

Numbers

2009-10-25T23:55:00.002-04:00

On Tuesday night, I did another one of my Nameless Twitter Radio Shows. This week's theme was songs with numbers in the title. Here's the playlist:

20th Century Boy by T. Rex (me)
Two Tribes by Frankie Goes To Hollywood (me)
867-5309/Jenny by Tommy Tutone (We're Not In Kansas Anymore, Toto)
99 Luftballons by Nena (Cool Zebras)
The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy) by Simon & Garfunkel (Funny Things Are Everywhere)
Hawkmoon 269 by U2 (For A Different Kind Of Girl)
1234 by Feist (FlipFlopsChels)
Thunder Kiss '65 by White Zombie (The Goat And Tater)
777-9311 by The Time (Mocha Dad)
Driver 8 by R.E.M. (Confessions Of A Recovering Journalist)
19th Nervous Breakdown by The Rolling Stones (Mommy Confessions Blog)
Hundred Mile High City by Ocean Colour Scene (Mr. Big Dubya)
One More Cup Of Coffee by The White Stripes (All Blogged Up And Nowhere To Go)
Song 2 by Blur (Major Bedhead)
3 Strange Days by School Of Fish (Chunkybumble)
36-24-36 by Violent Femmes (me)
911 Is A Joke by Public Enemy (me)
Love Me Two Times by The Doors (Ramblings Of A Tired Mama)
Highway 61 Revisited by Bob Dylan (Jfo_in_dc)
88 Lines About 44 Women by The Nails (The Weirdgirl)
I Would Die 4 U/Baby I'm A Star by Prince (me)
Seven Bridges Road by The Eagles (All Blogged Up And Nowhere To Go)
100% Dundee by The Roots (Mommymae)
'74-'75 by The Connells (TwoBusy)
54-46 That's My Number by Toots & The Maytals (Mr. Big Dubya)
25 Or 6 To 4 by Chicago (Syzdekistan)
Seventeen by Sex Pistols (me)

I'd like to thank everyone who came out and listened to the show. This week, we'll be playing scary/Halloween music. And save your keystrokes -- I won't play Thriller.

Beating Bill Simmons 2009: Week Seven

2009-10-24T10:56:00.005-04:00

Cynical Dad NFL Power Index

Here are my top six teams in the NFL:

New Orleans Saints (5-0)
Indianapolis Colts (5-0)
Minnesota Vikings (6-0)
Denver Broncos (6-0)
New England Patriots (4-2)
New York Giants (5-1)

Here are my picks for week seven (home teams in CAPS, Bill's picks in red):

Chargers (-4.5) over CHIEFS
This is a statement game for the Chargers. They're too talented not to win this game by at least 10.

TEXANS (-3) over Niners
While Gore should find plenty of openings, I believe Houston will take this one by 6.

Patriots (-14.5) over Bucs
We're trying to get people overseas interested in the NFL by sending them Tampa Bay?

Colts (-13) over RAMS
Indy will score 35 by halftime.

Vikings (+4) over STEELERS
Pittsburgh's favored in this game? The hell?

Packers (-7) over BROWNS
They beat the Lions 26-0 next week. I expect a similar result this week.

PANTHERS (-7) over Bills
After this week, the Panthers will be a .500 team. And then the bottom will drop out again.

Jets (-6) over RAIDERS
Sanchez will get things back on track this week.

BENGALS (-1.5) over Bears
Sorry. Without a running game, Chicago won't win this one.

Falcons (+4) over COWBOYS
Dallas puzzles me. Their three wins are against teams with a combined 3-14 record. Their two losses are against teams with a combined 11-1 record. This game will tell us a lot about them.

Saints (-6.5) over DOLPHINS
No way The Wildcat can hang with The Saints.

Cardinals (+7) over GIANTS
This was the toughest line of the week for me. I don't trust Arizona on the East coast.

Eagles (-7) over REDSKINS
I would give you the Redskins and 17.

Last Week

Me: 7-7
Simmons: 9-5

SEASON

Me: 48-42
Simmons: 58-32

DISCLAIMER: This is provided for entertainment purposes only. If you follow my advice, you are a fool.

Seriously, if you ever spend money based on something I say, have your head examined.

Tweets Of The Week XI

2009-10-21T09:24:00.002-04:00

Another batch:

If people tell you Where The Wild Things Are is amazing, it's their youth talking, not their common sense. -- 10.17.09
If I see this Black Eyed Peas DirecTV commercial one more time tonight, I'm going to scream! -- 10.17.09
I've decided to write a musical about Balloon Boy. In my free time. Which I have LOTS of. -- 10.19.09
Idolator is counting down the 50 worst songs of the '00s -- 10.19.09

And that's all.

Whip It

2009-10-19T23:57:00.006-04:00

So I took the kids shopping for their Halloween costumes this weekend. Even though she was leaning towards a trampy zombie cheerleader costume, Zoey ultimately opted for a nice, safe, Daddy-approved ladybug outfit. Zed, who's obviously caught up in the Twilight craze, is going to be a vampire. While we were looking at all the scary masks, Zoey asked, "What's this, Daddy?"

My mind was elsewhere [see the special note below], so she asked again, "What's this, Daddy?"

I turned around and found my daughter holding this:

"That? That?" I stammered. "That is a, um, PUT THAT DOWN!"

Seriously, Party City, what the hell? I know it's all cool to sex up every traditional costume, but do you really need to sell whips?

Special note for the guys: I highly recommend a trip to Party City, especially if you live near one that has a large quantity of college-aged customers. See, they don't have mirrors in their dressing rooms because during the eleven other months of the year, those dressing rooms are storage closets. So when all the college girls try on their slutty sailor, slutty superhero, slutty witch, slutty vampire, slutty Ghostbuster, slutty schoolgirl, slutty nurse, slutty French maid, slutty devil, slutty cheerleader, slutty pirate, and slutty slut costumes, they have to come out of the dressing room to look at themselves in the mirror.

No need for thanks, just send money.

Or pics.

P.S. This and this are just plain wrong.

Beating Bill Simmons 2009: Week Six

2009-10-17T23:56:00.002-04:00

No commentary this week! Here are my picks for week six (home teams in CAPS, Bill's picks in red):

BENGALS (-5) over Texans
PACKERS (-13.5) over Lions
Panthers (-3.5) over BUCS
JAGS (-9.5) over Rams
STEELERS (-14) over Browns
VIKINGS (-3) over Ravens
Chiefs (+6.5) over REDSKINS
Giants (+3) over SAINTS
Cardinals (+3) over SEAHAWKS
Eagles (-14.5) over RAIDERS
PATRIOTS (-9.5) over Titans
JETS (-9.5) over Bills
FALCONS (-3.5) over Bears
Broncos (+3.5) over CHARGERS

Last Week

Me: 6-8
Simmons: 10-4

Season

Me: 41-35
Simmons: 49-27

DISCLAIMER: This is provided for entertainment purposes only. If you follow my advice, you are a fool.

Seriously, if you ever spend money based on something I say, have your head examined.

To Some Of Us He Was More Than Cyndi Lauper's Video Dad

2009-10-14T23:25:00.003-04:00

Captain Lou Albano died Wednesday. He was 76 years old.

If you don't know who he was, Captain Lou Albano was a manager and a...

Forget it. In order to tell you about Captain Lou Albano, I'd also have to teach you about ancient things like music videos and professional wrestling. Neither of us has the patience for that. Go play with your iPhone, kiddo.

I was a fan of the Captain. I even had the t-shirt seen in the picture below:

Well, not the t-shirt. That's his t-shirt. I had my own. Which looked just like his. You get the picture.

Captain Lou Albano in action:

The greatest music video ever:

R.I.P, man.

Often imitated, never duplicated.

Image taken from World Wrestling Entertainment (nee World Wrestling Federation)

Tweets Of The Week X

2009-10-13T21:43:00.001-04:00

Light on tweets this week:

The perfect cake for that Yankees fan in your life -- 10.09.09
Is there a place where I can exchange Mafia family invitations for cash? I'd be a very rich man. -- 10.10.09
You can never attend too many fall festivals. -- 10.11.09
The Yankees' starting pitching combined for a 1.50 ERA and 21 strikeouts against the Twins. Still think their starting pitching sucks? -- 10.11.09
My appointment book is missing. I feel so naked. -- 10.12.09

BTW, I eventually found my appointment book. I am now fully clothed.

Mystery Creature

2009-10-12T01:38:00.002-04:00

I have always loved this thing. It stands near the Kiss Coffeehouse at Broadway at the Beach in Myrtle Beach, SC.

Songs About Time

2009-10-10T23:55:00.002-04:00

On Tuesday night, I did another one of my Nameless Twitter Radio Show. This week's theme was songs about time. Here's the playlist:

Time by David Bowie (me)
Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper (me)
What Time Is Love? by The KLF (For A Different Kind Of Girl)
Time by Pink Floyd (Ramblings Of A Tired Mama)
Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life) by Green Day (FlipFlopsChels)
Breathe (2 AM) by Anna Nalick (Phenom's World)
Time by The Alan Parsons Project (Cheeky's Hideaway)
In The Meantime by Helmet (TwoBusy)
Life Goes On by The Damned (The Imperfect Parent)
Doin' Time by Sublime (Chunkybumble)
Time Has Come Today by Ramones (Cool Zebras)
It's Five O'Clock Somewhere by Alan Jackson and Jimmy Buffet (Life In Pictures)
Time Warp from The Rocky Horror Picture Show (Funny Things Are Everywhere)
Living After Midnight by Judas Priest (me)
7 O'Clock by London Quireboys (me)
Dead On Time by Queen (Down To Earth Mama)
Time The Avenger by Pretenders (Confessions Of A Recovering Journalist)
Always And Never by Coheed and Cambria (Notes From The Bunker)
Late In The Evening by Paul Simon (Major Bedhead)
The First Time by U2 (For A Different Kind Of Girl)
Time To Get Ill by Beastie Boys (Mommymae)
Time Is On My Side by The Rolling Stones (me)
11:59 by Blondie (me)
12:51 by The Strokes (me)
9 To 5 by Dolly Parton (me)
Morning Train (Nine To Five) by Sheena Easton (me)
Too Much Time On My Hands by Styx (me)
Good Times by Hoodoo Gurus (me)

Please note: Next week's show will be on Wednesday instead of Tuesday. The theme will be songs with numbers in the titles.

Beating Bill Simmons 2009: Week Five

2009-10-09T23:37:00.003-04:00

Cynical Dad NFL Power Index

Here are my top six teams in the NFL:

New Orleans Saints (4-0)
Indianapolis Colts (4-0)
New York Giants (4-0)
Minnesota Vikings (4-0)
New England Patriots (3-1)
Denver Broncos (4-0)

Hey! Last week, I beat Simmons for the first time this year (unfortunately, I also had my first sub .500 week this season)! Time to make a run! Here are my picks for week five (home teams in CAPS, Bill's picks in red):

Vikings (-10) over RAMS
Has anyone seen Adrian Peterson? He seems to be missing.

CHIEFS (+8) over Cowboys
The Cowboys suck. They won't lose this one, but there's no way they're going to win by more than a TD.

PANTHERS (-3.5) over Redskins
The Panthers will come out like a team possessed and win this one by at least 10.

EAGLES (-15) over Bucs
Fifteen points is a hell of a lot to lay on the line. Unless you're playing Tampa Bay.

Bengals (+8.5) over RAVENS
Don't tell anyone, but I think Cincinnati could actually win this game.

GIANTS (-15) over Raiders
I'm convinced I'm a better QB than JaMarcus Russell.

Steelers (-10.5) over LIONS
I take back everything I said about Big Ben. He looks damn good this year.

BILLS (-6) over Browns
Buffalo will run all over Cleveland.

NINERS (-2.5) over Falcons
Speaking of AWOL RBs, I think Turner's hanging out in the Witness Protection Program with Peterson.

Jags (pk) over SEAHAWKS
Jones-Drew will have a HUGE game.

Patriots (-3.5) over BRONCOS
Denver has a good defense. Not good enough to stop the Patriots, though.

Texans (+5.5) over CARDS
This goes without saying, but if you have any fantasy players on either of these teams, start them this week (except for the defenses). Even Chris Wells.

Colts (-3.5) over TITANS
Fun fact: the Dolphins, Panthers, Cardinals, and Titans all won their divisions last year. This season, they are a combined 2-12.

Jets (-1.5) over DOLPHINS
The Jets bounce back this weekend.

Wow. We disagree on 6 of the 14 picks this week. Someone's going down hard!

Last Week

Me: 6-8
Simmons: 5-9

Season

Me: 35-27
Simmons: 39-23

DISCLAIMER: This is provided for entertainment purposes only. If you follow my advice, you are a fool.

Seriously, if you ever spend money based on something I say, have your head examined.

The Destroyer Of Dreams Has Returned

2009-10-07T23:45:00.045-04:00

My arch-enemy has resurfaced...

INT. NAMELESS ADVERTISING AGENCY - DAY

A group of advertising executives sit around a big conference table.

CHIEF ADVERTISING EXECUTIVE
The state of North Carolina has asked us to come
up with a new campaign to get people interested
in their state lottery. It's for scratch-off
tickets.
OTHER ADVERTISING EXECUTIVES
(in unison)
Ugh.

CHIEF ADVERTISING EXECUTIVE
I know, I know. I'm not very excited about the
project myself. But in this economy, we can't
exactly turn away new clients. Anyway, they want
us to use a well-known celebrity, a trusted name
in the state. Any ideas?

OTHER ADVERTISING EXECUTIVES
(in unison)
Andy Griffith!

CHIEF ADVERTISING EXECUTIVE
Nope. They specifically stated NO ANDY GRIFFITH.
They feel he's over-played. Any other ideas?
Silence.

CHIEF ADVERTISING EXECUTIVE
Anyone?

JUNIOR EXECUTIVE
(sheepishly)
Sir? I think I may have an idea...
And thus an ad campain was born:

So now I get to be reminded of how Ric Flair destroyed my dream job by watching him Woo!, wobble about, and trade barbs with a fellow senior citizen on my TV every twenty minutes.

Woo!

Tweets Of The Week IX

2009-10-06T22:55:00.002-04:00

Another spectacular batch!

I need some kickass new tunes. Whatcha got? -- 10.01.09**
They should make laptops that vibrate. -- 10.01.09
Call me lame, but I'd rather read a news article online than watch a video about it. -- 10.01.09
No offense Al, but I'd rather wake up with Stephanie Abrams. -- 10.06.09
I feel like a winner today. In the words of London Tipton, "Yay, me!" -- 10.06.09
Proof music is important to a movie trailer: http://bit.ly/38nOzv -- 10.06.09
YES! So happy the Twins won. A Yankees-Tigers series would've brought back too many bad memories. -- 10.06.09
In 2006, the Yankees played the the Tigers in the MLB playoffs. I made a wager with a fellow blogger. The Yankees lost and so did I. -- 10.06.09
Had to post a recent picture of myself on my site. People said I looked like a serial killer, a drug dealer, a rapist, & Robert Downey, Jr. -- 10.06.09
I cried myself to sleep for a week. -- 10.06.09

**Feel free to answer this in the comments. Always on the outlook for new music.

Hair (Not To Be Confused With My Last Post)

2009-10-05T00:30:00.005-04:00

I should probably preface this entry by letting you know that my grandmother is legally blind.

I should also probably state that while I normally only like to write about things I experience firsthand (except for the monster stuff -- I get most of that from reliable sources (minus the one time I discovered The Myrtle Beach Sea Monster on my own (and yes, I'll be plugging that discovery until the day I die))), this was too damn funny (at least to me) to keep to myself.

Ok. Got it? Good. Let's roll.

My grandmother, like a lot of little old ladies, does her hair once a week. Unlike my other grandmother who would walk half a mile every Saturday morning to the beauty shop to have her hair done, she does it herself.

Over the weekend, she removed the rollers out from under the sink and started putting them in her hair. She picked up one and said, "This one feels limp. It must be broken." Her internal monologues are largely external. She placed the roller back on the counter.

After putting a few more rollers in her hair, she picked up the broken roller again. And once again, it didn't feel right to her. So she brought it closer to her eyes.

And that's when she discovered her roller had legs.

And it's also when she discovered her roller was a dead mouse.

Hair III

2009-10-04T23:13:00.002-04:00

I've made it abundantly clear on this site that I love the hair bands. On Tuesday evening, I devoted my third Nameless Twitter Radio Show to the genre. Here's the playlist:

Hello by Celebrity Skin (me)
Bathroom Wall by Faster Pussycat (me)
Sex Action by L.A. Guns (me)
Gypsy Road by Cinderella (BigDaddyKreativ)
Girls, Girls, Girls by Motley Crue (Ramblings Of A Tired Mama)
Mr. Brownstone by Guns N' Roses (Kimblahg)
Still Of The Night by Whitesnake (Chunkybumble)
Cum On Feel The Noize by Quiet Riot (Mommy Confessions)
Back in Black by AC/DC (For A Different Kind Of Girl)
Rock You by Helix (Funny Things Are Everywhere)
Lay It Down by Ratt (Mr. Big Dubya)
I Wanna Rock by Twisted Sister (Cool Zebras)
Born To Be My Baby by Bon Jovi (Cats... Books... Life Is Good)
Teas'n, Pleas'n by Dangerous Toys (me)
Hollywood by Junkyard (me)
The Final Countdown by Europe (Luke, I Am Your Father)
Cherry Pie by Warrant (Cautiously Optimistic)
Talk Dirty To Me by Poison (Father Muskrat)
Get It On by Kingdom Come (Confessions Of A Recovering Journalist)
Kid Ego by Extreme (me)
Youth Gone Wild by Skid Row (Mommymae)
Heaven's On Fire by Kiss (EarnestGirl)
The Lumberjack by Jackyl (me)
Once Bitten, Twice Shy by Great White (LaurieWrites)
Little Suzi by Tesla (Major Bedhead)
Hungry by Winger (me)
Yankee Rose by David Lee Roth (me)
Turn Up The Radio by Autograph (me)

I'd like to thank everyone who came out for this week's show. Next week, we'll be playing songs that have to do with time.