Cynical Dad

LMFAO At LMFAO

2012-01-15T11:32:00.001-04:00

Ok. I know this is swinging dangerously back to daddy blogger territory, but the kids and I have watched this twenty times this morning and wanted to share!

iPad Blues

2011-12-29T11:04:00.001-04:00

We got the kids an iPad for Christmas. If you never here from me again, it's because I've become way too addicted to Fruit Ninja.

Best Christmas Music Of 2011?

2011-12-14T16:40:00.002-04:00

Ok. It's been pretty slim pickings this year as far as new Christmas music goes. In fact, this song by the Killers is the only thing I've heard that's worth keeping:

How about you? Anything new that trips your trigger?

Thinking

2011-10-13T11:06:00.005-04:00

If we treated each other with the same love and respect as we give the guy who made our cell phones, we wouldn't need Words With Friends. We'd be having Dinner With Friends.

The Rapture's Coming Early, Y'all

2011-05-18T17:28:00.003-04:00

Kiss your loved ones and get your tinfoil hats ready!

All You Need Is A Barbie Doll...

2011-05-16T17:08:00.002-04:00

So the wife and kids and I were at one of those trendy outdoor malls that have swallowed up enclosed malls and turned them into ghost towns and/or drug dens.

It was Prom Night. So in addition to running into the normal hipsters, we were also treated to seeing guys trying to impress their dates by buying them steaks or overp.f.priced Chinese p.f.food.

And then we saw her.

She wasn't an overly attractive teenager. In fact, had she not been all dolled up, I doubt she would've even registered.

She was standing outside a clothing store, with her hair teased high, in a pair of fuck-me-pumps and a dress that barely covered anything. You couldn't help but look at her. Despite the glares of my wife. (Who was also looking.)

And they her date came out of the store.

Actually, dates.

Two geeks. But not the supersmart cool kind. The clueless kind. Nerds. And that's when I realized what was going on here.

I whispered to my wife, "This explains the girl. It's Gary and Wyatt."

Product Review: Hitachi Mobile LifeStudio Plus 500GB

2011-04-18T10:11:00.000-04:00

Confession: When my daughter was about a year old, we had a major computer crash. Guess who hadn't backed up the previous two months of photos at that point? Yeah. Since that moment, I have backed up every photo I've taken via CD and a second computer. It has been a major pain, but since I wasn't looking for a divorce, I went through the process every time a photo was taken.

Enter the Hitachi Mobile LifeStudio Plus 500GB:

Looks sexy, doesn't it? With its sleek design and glossy black finish, it kind of gives you a techonological boner.

The Hitachi Mobile LifeStudio Plus 500GB is an external hard drive equipped with a 4GB USB thumb drive (that's the part that reads "LifeStudio" on the dock). It's magnetized, so it just snaps right into the dock. Very cool and makes transferring documents easy.

Transfers are easy and quick. The software installed on the Hitachi Mobile LifeStudio Plus 500GB is smart enough to search your entire computer for images, mp3s, and documents (including Word, Excel, and pdfs) and put them on the drive.

You can view the files you've uploaded via a 3D wall display. My daughter loves skimming through our images this way. If you use Facebook to connect with your friends and family like we do, each photo has a Facebook button at the bottom that, once clicked, uploads the photo to your Facebook acouunt. Cool, huh?

Here's a video that shows the 3D Wall:

In summary, I love this thing. It's sleek as hell, fast, and will keep the divorce lawyers at bay for the time being.

Disclaimer: I was given a Hitachi LifeStudio Plus 500 GB to review.

Read This

2011-02-23T23:21:00.002-04:00

I know I haven't been around in forever and I should probably write something about myself... but screw it.

READ THIS

It's miles better than anything I would've written anyway.

Happy New Year, Part III

2011-01-04T13:55:00.002-04:00

Welcome to Cynical Dad, your daily source for mass animal deaths!

I'm starting to get spooked.

Happy New Year, Part II

2011-01-03T12:14:00.002-04:00

You can add 100,000 dead fish to your 1,000 dead birds:

End of days? Nah. God just hates Arkansas.

Happy New Year!

2011-01-02T23:54:00.003-04:00

Imagine waking up on January 1st and finding 1,000 dead birds littering the yards of your hometown.

Get your house in order, bitches! The end is nigh!

Why Didn't I Get A Chupacabra For Christmas?

2010-12-27T18:11:00.000-04:00

Santa, you suck!

Snowland At Great Wolf Lodge

2010-12-14T11:14:00.002-04:00

The kind folks at the Great Wolf Lodge decided to bring my family back for another GREAT and AWESOME and SUPER weekend. Read all about it here.

Thoughts On Celebrity

2010-11-09T23:35:00.002-04:00

Who rocks my socks today?

Jack Black.

Somehow I missed this back in 2009, but it's warming my heart today.

You gotta love when a celebrity uses his or her powers for good.

Thoughts On Christmas Music II

2010-11-04T23:45:00.003-04:00

Who was that asshole who said he loved Christmas music so much?

That was me. And I now hate it.

I knew they started Holiday Hours on Monday at my new job. What I didn't realize is they also started Holiday Muzak on Monday as well.

Although to be fair, I did hear the Ramones, Band-Aid, Waitresses, and "I Want An Alien For Christmas" during my shift, so it could definitely be worse.

Thoughts On Christmas Music

2010-11-03T11:20:00.002-04:00

Why do I love Christmas music so damn much?

Thoughts On Politics

2010-11-02T23:24:00.002-04:00

Why the hell do we all need to be so damn petty?

Two years ago, when we elected Barack Obama, lots of people were celebrating on Twitter. Talking about the change that was coming. The historical significance. Or the fact that their party was now in charge.

There was also a group of people bitching about the decision. Telling Obama's supporters that they'll live to regret the decision. That this would mark the downfall of America. That McCain was the better candidate. In short, being petty assholes and sore losers.

And tonight? Same song, different dance. There are lots of people who are celebrating on Twitter. Talking about the change that will be coming. The historical significance. Or the fact that their party is now in charge.

There is also a group of people bitching about the decision. Bitching and moaning and complaining. In short, being petty assholes and sore losers.

I'm sick of it. I've always said that if you want to win me over, show me your candidate's strengths instead of pointing out my candidate's weaknesses.

Just stop bitching. Everyone who voted for losing candidates is disappointed. Some are angry. A few are furious enough to log onto Twitter to bash their opponent. What good does it do? None.

Go have sex. Go run around the block a few times. Play a violent video game. Don't rain on the other guy's parade. Let him enjoy his moment in the sun. You're going to have to live with this decision for the next two, four, or six years depending on the race. No sense in blowing your wad before the opponent enters office.

Remind me not to log onto Twitter two years from now.

Thoughts On Halloween

2010-11-01T21:44:00.002-04:00

Why do older teenagers go trick-or-treating? You're supposed to go and out toilet paper people's houses, egg their cars, and bash pumpkins. It's a Night For Mayhem, Not Fun Size Snickers. Be a kid. Not a little one.

New rule: If you come trick-or-treating to our house next year and your breasts are larger than mine, no candy for you.

Beating Bill Simmons 2010: Week Four

2010-10-02T23:59:00.002-04:00

Redemption.

Home team in CAPS, Bill's picks in red:

STEELERS (-1.5) over Ravens
TITANS (-6.5) over Broncos
BROWNS (+3) over Bengals
PACKERS (-14.5) over Lions
Panthers (+13.5) over SAINTS
FALCONS (-7) over 49ers
RAMS (+1) over Seahawks
Jets (-5.5) over BILLS
Colts (-7) over JAGUARS
Texans (-3) over RAIDERS
Cardinals (+8) over CHARGERS
EAGLES (-5.5) over Redskins
Bears (+4) over GIANTS
DOLPHINS (+1) over Patriots

Last Week

Me: 6-10
Simmons: 10-6

Season

Me: 21-24-3
Simmons: 25-20-3

Beating Bill Simmons 2010: Week Three

2010-09-25T22:28:00.002-04:00

Two weeks down and I have no handle whatsoever on the NFL. Here are my picks for Week Three (home team in CAPS, Bill's picks in red):

Titans (+3) over GIANTS
Steelers (-2.5) over BUCS
RAVENS (-10.5) over Browns
PATRIOTS (-14.5) over Bills
SAINTS (-4) over Falcons
Niners (-2.5) over CHIEFS
Bengals (-3) over PANTHERS
SEAHAWKS (+5.5) over Chargers
Redskins (-3.5) over RAMS
Lions (+11) over VIKINGS
TEXANS (-3) over Cowboys
Colts (-5.5) over BRONCOS
Eagles (-3) over JAGS
CARDINALS (-4.5) over Raiders
DOLPHINS (-2) over Jets
Packers (-3) over BEARS

Last Week

Me: 7-8-1
Simmons: 8-7-1

Season

Me: 15-14-3
Simmons: 15-14-3

Beating Bill Simmons 2010: Week Two

2010-09-18T23:18:00.004-04:00

So far, so good. Here are my picks for Week Two (home team in CAPS, Bill's picks in red):

PACKERS (-13) over Bills
Seems a bit high, but we are talking about the Bills.
VIKINGS (-5.5) over Dolphins
Minnesota rebounds this weekend.
FALCONS (-6.5) over Cards
Arizona barely beat the Rams last weekend.
Ravens (-2.5) over BENGALS
Baltimore could be the best team in the NFL.
Chiefs (+2) over BROWNS
I feel sorry for people in Cleveland or Kansas City who have to watch this game.
Bears (+7.5) over COWBOYS
Wow. After last week's fiasco, I would make the Cowboys a 7-point favorite against a high school team.
TITANS (-5) over Steelers
Johnson continues his MVP season.
PANTHERS (-3.5) over Bucs
I feel sorry for people in North Carolina or Tampa Bay who have to watch this game. Oh wait, that's me!
LIONS (+6.5) over Eagles
Vick sucks.
Seahawks (+3.5) over BRONCOS
My slight upset of the week!
Rams (+3.5) over RAIDERS
Jackson will run all over Oakland.
Jaguars (+7) over CHARGERS
Wow. Chargers are favored?
Texans (-3) over REDSKINS
This game won't be close.
COLTS (-5) over Giants
Peyton wins the lick race and the game.
Pats (-3) over JETS
Another game that won't be close.
Saints (-5) over NINERS
I still can't belive how bad SF looked last weekend.

Last Week

Me: 8-6-2
Simmons: 7-7-2

Season

Me: 8-6-2
Simmons: 7-7-2

Beating Bill Simmons 2010: Week One

2010-09-09T18:15:00.004-04:00

Smell that? Take a big whiff.

Ahhh. That's football, kids.

This year, I kick Bill Simmons's ass. Write it down, boys.

Here are my picks for Week 1 (home team in caps, Bill's pick in red):

Vikings (+5) over SAINTS
Yeah, Minnesota has no healthy receivers. But they're going to settle the score.
Panthers (+7) over GIANTS
Don't get me wrong: Carolina will lose, just not by a TD.
Packers (-3) over EAGLES
Too much turnover in Philadelphia.
Falcons (-2) over STEELERS
Who's the QB for Pittsburgh? Me?
Dolphins (-3) over BILLS
Hope you picked future Rookie Of The Year C.J. Spiller for your fantasy football team.
Lions (+6) over BEARS
I'm still on the Lions bandwagon. Eventually, that damn thing will pick up speed.
PATRIOTS (-4.5) over Bengals
I think last year was a fluke for the Bengals.
Colts (-2) over TEXANS
As much as I'd love to see the Texans win, I don't think it'll happen.
TITANS (-6) over Raiders
I don't care if they do have a new QB who can actually throw the ball, they're still the Raiders.
JAGS (-2.5) over Broncos
Remember last year when Denver fooled us into thinking they were good?
Browns (+2.5) over BUCS
I'm so happy the Bucs are in the same division as the Panthers.
Niners (-3) over SEAHAWKS
San Francisco will take the NFC West this year.
Cardinals (-4) over RAMS
This should be an interesting game.
Ravens (+2.5) over JETS
The Jets spend too much time talking.
CHIEFS (+5) over Chargers
I like Kansas City this year.
Cowboys (-3.5) over REDSKINS
Dallas will win this one by 10.

Fundraising

2010-08-26T22:59:00.005-04:00

A little over a year ago, a local nonprofit support group came to me and asked me to take over as chair.

"What?"

"Are you insane?"

"I've never done anything like this before in my life."

"I'm afriad of people."

Despite the negativity swirling in my head, I did it. I'm still afriad of people. I'm still insane. So insane, I'm doing it for another year.

Like I said, it's a small, local nonprofit support charity. The hours can be long, depending on the time of the month. There is no pay. We have our support meetings in a high school gymnasium and our board meetings at a coffee shop. Our offical business phone number is my cell phone.

I have really enjoyed what we've done the past year. I feel we have made a big difference in the lives of many families in our town.

One thing I didn't like? The fundraising.

We raised over $35,000 this past year for our projects. Despite a down economy, this was a record amount for this group. So, YAY US!

But I hated knocking on the doors of businesses, shaking hands, making eye contact, talking, and asking for goods and services. I am not a people person. I am not a good speaker.

I stuttered. I sweated. My hands shook. But it was worth it.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because that's what I'm doing today, too.

Fundraising.

Wait! Don't hit the back button!

I don't want your money.

I just want your time.

And hell, I don't even need much of that.

You probably know Kevin of Always Home And Uncool.

You probably know that his daughter was diagnosed with juvenile dermatomyositis nearly eight years ago.

You probably know that he tirelessly champions The Cure JM Foundation for Juvenile Dermatomyositis and Juvenile Polymyositis and in October, convinced 14,328 parentbloggers to post an article about Cure JM Awareness Day on their 14,328 blogs.

You probably know that Cure JM is taking part in the Pepsi Refresh Project.

You probably know that if Cure JM is one of the top 2 vote getters for the month of August, they'll receive a check from Pepsi for $250,000.

You probably know Cure JM is currently ranked #2 and would really like to remain there when the clock strikes midnight.

You probably know there are three ways you can vote each day (text message, Facebook, Pepsi's site) to ensure Cure JM remains at #2.

But in case you didn't, you do now.

There are six days left. Help Cure JM get that check for $250,000.

Goodbye Summer

2010-08-24T22:38:00.002-04:00

So the kids start back to school on Wednesday. I think they're both eager to get back to it. Me? I'd like to have them here a little while longer. Clip their wings.

Today, instead of enjoying the last day of summer vacation, we were rushing around securing last-minute supplies. There were Twinkle Toes to buy, Vans to be found. Apparently, no one in this town had bought their kids back-to-school shoes yet. Everyone was still clad in their sandals and crocs and shoes of summer. But we were an orderly mob.

No one wanted to go to bed tonight. School night bedtimes suck after a summer of no worries.

Stuff I Don't Understand, Volume 14001

2010-08-13T11:26:00.002-04:00

So I'm sitting there, waiting for the guys at the dealership to change the oil in my car. Because I don't know how to do things like this for myself. Yeah.

I'm sitting there with about five other guys. No women. Sausagefest.

Rachel Ray was on TV. There was no remote in sight, so I tried my damnedest to telekinetically change the channel to Sportscenter. No magic today.

So I sat there and watched Rachel Ray. She was cooking something. Some sort of lasagna. And after every other step, the crow would cheer.

"And now I'm going to add the squash"

YAY!

"Put the noodles on top."

"Add some cheese."

YAY!

What the hell? I don't watch cooking shows, so I don't know if this is par for the course, but when did we get so damned excited about cooking steps?