FUNNY Jokes

Skiing

2020-07-27T22:58:00.001+05:30

One Day Three Friends Go To A Ski Lodge And There Aren’t Enough Rooms, So They Have To Share A Bed.

In The Middle Of The Night, The Guy On The Right Wakes Up And Says: “I Had This Wild, Vivid Dream Of Getting A Hand Job!”

The Guy On The Left Wakes Up And Unbelievably He’s Had The Same Dream Too.

Then The Guy In The Middle Wakes Up And Says: “That’s Funny, I Dreamed I Was Skiing!“

Acute Angina

2020-07-27T22:57:00.001+05:30

A Man To Cardiologist Angrily: “How Dare You Tell My Wife That She Has A Cute Vagina”

Doctor Replied: “Stupid, I Told Her That She Has Acute Angina.“

Handsome

2020-07-27T22:56:00.001+05:30

If Sex Between 3 People Is Caled A Threesome, And Between 2 People Is Called A Twosome Then U Can Understand Y All Men Are Called Handsome

By William Sexfear

2020-07-26T23:23:00.001+05:30

Nature’s Law Explained By William Sexfear:

No Matter How Sweet A Woman Is, Down Below She’s Always Salty!

36C

2019-02-07T18:10:00.003+05:30

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

Marriage Proposal advertisement

2018-07-29T19:05:00.002+05:30

This is an actual letter taken from the Times of India in response to a `Marriage Proposal' advertisement.

Madam, I am one young gentleman living only with myself in Patna . I am seeing ur advertisement for marriage purpose in the daily newspaper. So I decide to press myself on u and I am hopping you will make the marriage with me.
I am the son of my father & mother of agriculture family from inside Patna. I having no sister and no brother also. I become big in Patna only. I educate myself in the Zuarilal Himmatlal High School, Bezna Road.
I am nice and big, six foots tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness why because I am working hardly. I am playing also hardly. Especially I am liking the cricket. I am a good batter also I am fast baller. Whenever I am coming running for the balling, all batters are running everywhere why because they are afraiding my balls. My balls are bouncing too much high. That is very danger for them.
I am very nice gentleman. I always laughing loudly at everyone. I am happy always and gay also. Ladies they are saying I am nice and soft because I giving respect to them. I am always liking if ladies are on top. That is how nice I am.
I am not having any bad habits. I drink milk only and no other bad things. I am not chewing cigarettes or eating gutka paan why because it not good for all the peoples. So I am not doing so.
I am keep fitting everyday. Morning I am going to jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can came and see how I pumping the dumb bells in the jim. And now good muscles are come outing everywhere.
I am having very much money in my pant everyday and my pant is everyday open for you why because I am nice gentleman, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking my into my own hands everyday. That is why I want to press myself on you, so that you will come and take my things into your hands.

Forever alone
RIP ENGLISH

F***ing

2017-08-17T14:51:00.001+05:30

SIX GOLDEN RULES FOR F***ING !
.
.
.
.
.
.
1) F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it is harmful if
done everyday

2) F***ing relaxes your mind & body

3) F***ing refreshes you

4) After F***ing don't eat too much go for more liquids

5)Try F***ing in bed cause it can save your valuable energy

6) F***ing can reduce your cholesterol level

So remember "FASTING" is good for your health.

GOD BLESS YOUR DIRTY MIND

Marriage Proposal & advertisement

2017-08-17T14:50:00.001+05:30

This is an actual letter taken from the Times of India in response to a `Marriage Proposal' advertisement.

Madam, I am one young gentleman living only with myself in Patna . I am seeing ur advertisement for marriage purpose in the daily newspaper. So I decide to press myself on u and I am hopping you will make the marriage with me.
I am the son of my father & mother of agriculture family from inside Patna. I having no sister and no brother also. I become big in Patna only. I educate myself in the Zuarilal Himmatlal High School, Bezna Road.
I am nice and big, six foots tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness why because I am working hardly. I am playing also hardly. Especially I am liking the cricket. I am a good batter also I am fast baller. Whenever I am coming running for the balling, all batters are running everywhere why because they are afraiding my balls. My balls are bouncing too much high. That is very danger for them.
I am very nice gentleman. I always laughing loudly at everyone. I am happy always and gay also. Ladies they are saying I am nice and soft because I giving respect to them. I am always liking if ladies are on top. That is how nice I am.

I am not having any bad habits. I drink milk only and no other bad things. I am not chewing cigarettes or eating gutka paan why because it not good for all the peoples. So I am not doing so.
I am keep fitting everyday. Morning I am going to jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can came and see how I pumping the dumb bells in the jim. And now good muscles are come outing everywhere.
I am having very much money in my pant everyday and my pant is everyday open for you why because I am nice gentleman, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking my into my own hands everyday. That is why I want to press myself on you, so that you will come and take my things into your hands.

Forever alone
RIP ENGLISH

How to Make a Woman Happy

2016-03-07T16:53:00.002+05:30

How to Make a Woman Happy. It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
.
.
.
.
55. Creative
56. tender
57. strong
58. understanding
59. tolerant
60. prudent.
.
.
.
.
114. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes.

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
3. Hand over the remote

As You Are Dead

2016-03-07T16:52:00.001+05:30

If You Don't Want to be Forgotten As Soon As You Are Dead...
Either Write Things Worth Reading
or Do Things Worth Writing.!

Tattoo money

2016-02-19T16:08:00.003+05:30

A hardcore CA gets home late one night. His wife angry and upset, says "Where the hell have you been?"
He replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a thousand rupees note on my privates" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust "what is wrong with this man, Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a thousand rupees note tattooed on his bloody privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a thousand bucks anytime you want!"
Wife faints..

Smart ass Kid!

2016-02-19T16:08:00.001+05:30

Dad- Whom u like more Mumma or Dad?

Kid- Both

Dad- No tell me 1?

Kid- Both

Dad- If i go to America & Ur mother go to Paris
Where will you go?

Kid- Paris

Dad- It means you like your Mom?

Kid- No, because Paris is beautiful than America

Dad- If i go to Paris & Ur Mom goes to America so Where will you go?

Kid- America

Dad- why?

Kid- I've seen Paris with my Mom, Daddy....

Dad shocksss....
Kid rocks.....

Why are you late ?

2016-02-14T18:44:00.004+05:30

Teacher:
Why are you late?

Student:
Mom and dad
were fighting.

Teacher:
They were fighting, so
why are you late?

Student:
One shoe was with dad
and the other was with mom.

How to Make a Woman Happy

2016-02-14T18:44:00.001+05:30

How to Make a Woman Happy. It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
.
.
.
.
55. Creative
56. tender
57. strong
58. understanding
59. tolerant
60. prudent.
.
.
.
.
114. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes.

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
3. Hand over the remote

2 Reasons

2016-02-14T18:39:00.002+05:30

IMPORTANT THAN PRESIDENT

2016-02-13T04:14:00.001+05:30

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, “You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?”

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m supposed to do that.”

But the Pope persists, “Please?” The driver finally lets up. “Oh, all right, I can’t really say no to the Pope.”

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over.

The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: Chief, I have a problem.

Chief: What sort of problem?

Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it’s someone really important.

Chief: Important like the mayor?

Cop: No, no, much more important than that.

Chief: Important like the governor?

Cop: Way more important than that.

Chief: Like the president?

Cop: More.

Chief: Who’s more important than the president?

Cop: I don’t know, but he’s got the Pope driving for him.

$1,000,000

2016-02-13T04:12:00.002+05:30

A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically... so he asked his dad.

His dad said, "Well, go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mail man for $1,000,000.

He went and asked and came back and said, "She said yes".

"Well", said the dad, "Go ask your sister the same question."
He did and came back and said, "She said yes." And the dad said, "Now go ask your brother the same thing."

He did and came back and said, "He said yes too!"

And the dad said, "Well hypothetically we're sitting on three million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 whores and a fag!''

Balloons

2016-02-10T07:13:00.000+05:30

little johnny saw his mom get out of the shower and saw her titties he asks mommy what are those she didn't know what to say so she tells him to go ask his dad. well he does and his dad says they are her balloons and when she dies they blow up and send her to heaven, well about a week later uncle Greg came to visit and little johnny walked in his moms room and ran back out to his dad and says dad come quick moms dieing, dad says why u say that little johnny says uncle Greg is blowing up her balloons and she's screaming oh my god I'm cummin.

The Guests

2016-02-10T07:11:00.004+05:30

The mom calls the husband a "bastard" and the the dad calls the wife a "bitch" and billy goes to his mom and says "mom wats a bitch and a bastard?" and the mom says "well, a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a gentlemen" and then later billy goes outside and listens to his neighbors and hears " put ur penis in my vagina!" so billly goes to his mom and says "mom wats a penis and vagina?" his mom says " well billy, a penis is a hat and a vagina is a coat" and then later billy sees his dad shaving and cuts himself and says "shit" and billy said "dad, wats shit?" and then his dad says "well billy, shit is a type of shaving cream" and then billy goes to see his mom cutting the turkey and his mom cuts her finger and says "fuck!" and then billy says to his mom "mom wats fuck?" and his mom replies "well billy fuck is a way of cutting the turkey" and then later the guests arrive and billy goes to them and says "hello bitches and bastards, may i take ur penis's and vaginas, my dad's upstairs wiping shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey"

Hot

2016-02-10T07:11:00.001+05:30

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister~in~law was twenty~two. she wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and comitted my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and quickly headed straight towards my car. And Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father~in~law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family son." The moral of the story is... Always keep your condoms in your car!

QUARTERS

2016-02-02T15:51:00.002+05:30

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with the hot girl at work, but she had a boyfriend. One day Eddie got so desperate that he went to her & said, "I'll give U a $100 if U'll let me have sex with U." The girl looked at him shocked & said "Hell no!" He said "I'll be real quick-I'll throw the money on the floor, U bend over to get it, & I'll be finished by the time U've picked it up!" She thought for a moment & told him that she would have to talk to her boyfriend. So she called him & explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200. Pick up the money really really fast, & he won't even be able to get his pants down!" She agreed & accepts the proposal. 30 minutes go by & the boyfriend is still waitin for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls & asks, "What the fuck happened?" Still breathin hard she managed to reply, "That bastard had all QUARTERS!!!!"

SEX POEM

2016-02-02T15:49:00.001+05:30

Roses r red, lemons r sour, open ur legs & give me an hour.

Kissing is a habit, fucking is a game- guys get all the pleasure & girls get all the pain. 10 mins of pleasure, 9 months of pain, 3 days in the hospital- a baby with no name. The baby is a bastard, the mother is a whore, this never wouldve happened if the rubber hadnt tore!

Sex is like math: u subtract the clothes, add the bed, divide the legs & pray 2 god u dont multiply.

Roses r red, grass is green, open ur legs & ill fill u with cream.

Sex is evil, sex is a sin, sins r forgiven so stick it in.

Roses r nice, violets r fine, i'll be the 6 if u b the 9.

Eat me, beat me, bite me, blow me, fuck me, suck me very slowly, if u like it dont be sassy, use ur tounge & make it NASTY!!

The Car

2016-02-02T15:47:00.000+05:30

Cant stop laughing

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.

He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.

One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.

The man agreed and said to the car; Car, go and bring my children from school.

The car went and didn't return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.

Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.

He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.

The car parked right in front of them and said; "These are your children sir". In the car were their Landlady's two daughters, their choir mistress's two sons, his wife's best friend's daughter, their pastor's son and their neighbours two sons.

The Wife said; Don't tell me all these are your children ?.

The man asked her calmly; Can you first tell me why our children are not in the car?. .

It Hurts

2016-02-02T15:45:00.003+05:30

Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor.' 'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart . Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.' So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart. That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1 Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant with Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5 . If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

DID I REACH THERE EVER

2016-01-07T06:08:00.001+05:30

FUNNY Jokes

Skiing

Acute Angina

Handsome

By William Sexfear

36C

Marriage Proposal advertisement

F***ing

Marriage Proposal & advertisement

How to Make a Woman Happy

As You Are Dead

Tattoo money

Smart ass Kid!

Why are you late ?

Teacher: Why are you late? Student: Mom and dad were fighting. Teacher: They were fighting, so why are you late? Student: One shoe was with dad and the other was with mom.

How to Make a Woman Happy

2 Reasons

IMPORTANT THAN PRESIDENT

$1,000,000

Balloons

The Guests

Hot

QUARTERS

SEX POEM

The Car

It Hurts

DID I REACH THERE EVER

Teacher:
Why are you late?

Student:
Mom and dad
were fighting.

Teacher:
They were fighting, so
why are you late?

Student:
One shoe was with dad
and the other was with mom.