Big Sis, Little Sis

“My Thyroid Lobectomy” Surgery

2018-04-16T15:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Big Sis,

About 6 months ago, I went to get a sonogram of my thyroid which indicated a 2cm nodule on the the right lobe. My primary doctor sent me to an ENT for further review which resulted in a FN (fine needle) biopsy. The results came back as “indeterminate” which meant they were not sure if it was benign or malignant. The next step was to send my “cell draw” to Afirma Genomic testing for further genetic review. It took another week to get the results back which indicated the same term, “indeterminate” which meant it was still not clear with the findings. My ENT doctor said he would have to remove the right lobe in order to find out if it was malignant or not. He gave me a 40% chance, either way. I was completely in shock and very apprehensive about having my throat “cut” open...

I was so distraught that I postponed the inevitable, requested to have another sonogram in 3 months and scheduled an appointment for a second opinion. The deciding factors were: the sonogram revealed the nodule was still present plus another one had appeared and the second opinion concurred with my physician to remove the right lobe. I just sat as I listened to the doctor and sobbed. I was so hoping for an alternative solution.

As the surgery date was scheduled, I struggled with my PTSD feelings of deep-seeded fear and dread which stemmed from my youngest brother losing his battle to oral cancer. I had to really dig deep and remain in constant prayer for strength to endure the surgery plus the outcome of results. I also had an army of “Prayer Warriors” who provided comfort and encouragement. It was a huge comfort to me that you, Big Sis and my youngest sister had the same procedure which was instrumental in giving me the detailed information I needed to muster up the courage to proceed with the surgery.

On February 22, 2018, I was admitted to the hospital and my surgery began at 7:30 a.m. It took approximately 1 1/2 hours and then I was in recovery for a few more hours. I was supposed to stay in the hospital for 23 hours for monitoring but the doctor advised my daughter that I should be released after a total of 6 hours due to the higher risk of contracting the flu. The surgery went well and the doctor informed my daughter that we would have the pathology results in a week. I have a vague recollection of that first day because I was so “drugged up” with anesthesia plus morphine shots. I just wish the discharge nurse would have taken me to the restroom before booting me out the front door. Evidently, I had an accident and my daughter needed to request a pad for me to sit on in her vehicle. I was unaware of any feelings of embarrassment or humiliation at that point.

The first night was really rough. I was so severely nauseated from the anesthesia and afraid of getting dry heaves that might tear my stitches apart. My daughter had to walk me to the bathroom each time due to the dizziness. I was also having difficulty swallowing without pain but when I survived the first 48 hours and the nausea subsided, I felt very hopeful that I would make it through plus a huge sense of relief. I do not tolerate pain medication but I was able to withstand the pain without it. I’m not sure what caused it but I developed hives plus I was allergic to the electrodes that they attach to your chest during surgery which was more bothersome than the incision itself.

One week after the surgery, I had an appointment with my ENT who removed my sutures and told me to see him in 3 months. I was instructed to apply Mederma with sunscreen on my incision site 3 times a day for 6 months. It is a very tender area. It has been a constant challenge to adjust how it feels when I swallow. Each day that went into the following weeks was an improvement. Although it has been 7 weeks already, I’m still experiencing that strange sensation which feels like a lump in my throat. They say in time that it will go away. I’m certainly looking forward to that day.

I am extremely thankful that the surgery is behind me and that the results were benign. I am thankful for all of the love, support and encouragement from ALL of my loved ones. I will keep you posted on my continued progress and healing process. I will be following up with an Endocrinologist to assess my numbers. I may have to take a low dose of medication to support my thyroid.

I’m hoping that my experience with having the Thyroid Lobectomy might help someone who might be struggling with the decision to have it done. The thought of it plus the location of incision was much more overwhelming than the actual procedure. I truly believed that God was in complete control and that he would see me through and HE did. God is SO GOOD, all the time.

Much love, hugs and blessings...Always
Little Sis

Malawi Miracle

2016-03-31T18:21:00.002-07:00

My little sis and I usually share our thoughts and events, but today I would like to add someone else's story. This Blog Link is written by Luke Voight who is a missionary in Malawi. We've been supporting them for several years and so are interested in what God is doing in their life. This story so amazed and encouraged me that I wanted to share it with all. Enjoy and be blessed!

Luke Voight's Blog: "Why are we here"?

Time Out

2015-09-26T14:04:00.002-07:00

Dear Little Sis,
I came up with a solution for our dog Karlie's incessant barking at the door when someone knocks I say ..."Time Out"! When I hear her barking ferociously, I point to her bed near the fireplace and say "time out". When it's time for her to get out of her Time Out, we say the word, "Free".

After a few weeks and much patience, we finally achieved this training feat. I proudly show off our dog to visitors, family and friends that she was laying in the corner of the house when they entered. When we were ready, I then released her with the command "free" and she comes over and greets our guests. Most everyone is really amazed that she is so well trained, but for me it was mostly a selfish desire to just have some peace and quiet in our home.

The other day I noticed that she was lying in this time out bed and I was happy that she was feeling comfortable with it. But I also noticed that she didn't look very happy. If I was heading outside to get the mail or another task, she would just lay there and look at me. So I would call her and tell her to come along. She jumped up and joyfully joined me.

The other day she again went to her time out bed and I heard her whining. I thought this was strange, and I wondered what was wrong. It then dawned on me...she went to lay down in the comfy bed but after a while she forgot she had put herself in Time Out and didn't know how to get out of it! She laid there miserably until I finally said the command "free". I released her from her self made prison. I laughed hilariously, but later I felt a little sad. All along she laid there, feeling constricted, imprisoned and condemned, but she had the power to leave the bed but didn't know it.

Thoughts crowded my mind as I thought of how much this was like us as Christians: imprisoned in our own self made "Time Out" bed. We may have originally gone there to find comfort but we found we couldn't get out by ourselves. We dwell in our anger, fear, or habits, and find ourselves imprisoned. We lay there in what was once a comfy bed until we realize we don't have the power on our own to get out... Who can release us? We see our Master and then realize, He has the power to get us out of our prison. We wait patiently for Him and then we hear the Master's voice, say "Free". Joyfully we jump out of our self-made confinement. John 8:36 "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed".

After hearing His voice, we realize we had His Power all along to leave our self-made prison and live in His Freedom.

No more time outs little sis!

Think, Write, Delete

2012-07-25T13:18:00.003-07:00

Dear Little Sis,

Today I did something for the first time, I wrote a letter to my grandson. Oh, I've written him many times via Facebook and Texting, but this is the first time I've actually written him a letter. I had to. He is now stationed at Lackland Air Force Base in Texas and is in his first week of Basic Military Training and the only way to correspond with him is to write a letter. I had already begun to "create" his letter when yesterday I received his address from his mom.

The reason I use the word "create" is because it was more than a letter, I decided to write it in a newsletter format. You know that I've been doing newsletters for the past 10 years at my employment, but this newsletter took on an importance beyond all those I created for my work. My husband couldn't believe how much time I spent writing, searching for graphics, and looking on my Thesaurus for just the right word, all the while imagining how happy he'll be when he receives it. Often these young recruits will read and reread letters from home since its the only communication they have for weeks while they are being tested both physically and mentally for the first time in their lives. All these thoughts ran through my head and challenged to even work harder on my project.

I decided to keep my Newsletter to one page, since I was purposing to make this a weekly issue. After writing about family news events I had a few inches at the bottom of the page. I wasn't sure what to add, maybe a picture, a joke, or leave it blank. Then I thought about the opportunity I had before me...a chance to share my heart and leave my grandson with some of my thoughts that he might even remember, so I entitled the article "Granni Thoughts". I decided to share my thoughts on the significance of writing a letter and how permanent it can be in the world where most correspondences are shredded or deleted. Below is "Granni Thoughts"

* * *

In the old days, everyone who was separated by distance would write letters. I remember my mom telling me of when my dad was in the army and the letters they would write each other. These letters kept them in each others thoughts, made them feel close & were kept for a lifetime. Imagine that, words and thoughts remembered years later. In these days of Texting, Facebook, Chatting, etc. where all our communication is instant and then instantly gone with a click, none of our thoughts, ideas or expressions remain in the future, all “deleted”. Writing letters is a wonderful experience, it teaches us to think about the words we are going to use because we know that they will last. Maybe this experience will also help us to speak more carefully, for those words can also last a lifetime. You’re always in my thoughts & prayers, and I’m looking forward to your letters that I will keep for a lifetime! Love you much, Granni

Her "Final Lap"

2012-06-10T12:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Big Sis,

When my granddaughter invited me to go swimming at the neighbor's house yesterday afternoon, I had no idea that I would become a "surrogate" grandmother to a 6 year old, beautiful chocolate Labrador named "Princess"...Her owners are on their vacation in Mexico and left Princess and her brother, Jack in my grandson's care. They believed that her health was improving before they had left and they also had installed camera's to monitor her in their absence. My daughter had informed me that "Princess" had cancer but she neglected to tell me that she was in her most advanced stage of this despicable, cruel disease.

As I approached the swimming pool, I was greeted by Jack who was barking uncontrollably and nervously. In the corner of the house, on the porch is where I first laid eyes on" Princess." At that moment, she did not even have the strength to raise her head up to greet me and my heart just sank with a familiar heaviness of the forthcoming dread that was inevitable...

I decided to get into the swimming pool where her brother Jack followed and went in for a little dip but when he got out, he continued on with his non-stop barking as if he were trying to tell me something that I didn't already know and sense. As I was trying to calm Jack down, I noticed that Princess had gingerly gotten up and was slowly making her way to the pool. It took every last bit of her failing strength to get to the first step of the pool. As she was getting into the water, she glanced up at me for a few seconds as if she were letting me know that this would be her final lap to the other side of pool. She struggled every inch of the way but remarkably made her way back to the first step. She could go no further. I went over to her to hold her, gently stroked her beautiful brown fur and spoke to her as only a grandmother to a grandchild or granddog would do to reassure her that everything would be alright, very soon....I felt a very intense bond towards this amazing creature that I had just met. Not once did she ever whimper a sound from the obvious pain that she was enduring. She displayed such amazing dignity and sheer courage as her imminent death was approaching...Since her family was unfortunately not present, I felt like I was giving her the "okay" to GO...In retrospect, I only wish that I would have had the courage to stay with her throughout the night but I was too overcome by my emotions having lost two brothers to cancer.

I truly believe that God puts us right where we need to be on any given day or time so that we may experience and learn what HE wants us to learn....I prayed throughout the night for God to spare her. God answered my prayer and took Princess home. The suffering has finally ceased for her. Her brother Jack is grieving and crying for his sister. We are all grieving for her as well, along with feelings of relief for her suffering. Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4

I have learned that it doesn't matter how long you know someone, even if it was just for one day...Love and compassion for all is God's way of helping us through on our journey or our "final lap"..... Rest in Perfect Peace, "Princess"...... You will be remembered, loved and missed!!!

Big Sis, since you raised chocolate Labs previously, I knew you would understand her greatness and that they are true family members.

Love, Hugs and Blessings,
Little Sis

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalms 34:18

"For The Boy's Sake"

2012-05-30T12:45:00.000-07:00

Hey Big Sis,

I'm so glad that you got me up and running again on our blog site....It's been way too long since I've posted anything!!!

Well, I'm officially retired....at least, I thought I was. Actually, I have substituted my weekly hours of work with being a full-time grandmother/caretaker to my youngest grandsons, 4 and 5 years old. My son was just awarded temporary "primary" custody of the boys and a court date is set for this coming Friday. Divorce can be so ugly but I find a mother who is "unfit" and who puts her children's lives in danger to be even uglier.

There are so many incredible women out there who would give their right "limb" to become a mother and can't. And there are so many who take the responsibility of having children "too lightly" and are undeserving of having these precious "gifts from God"... These are just my personal opinions and observations that I'm expressing from a "wounded" grandmother's heart.

It's the little ones who are doing the suffering and their lives are turned upside down right along with their parents. They are totally confused so they "act out" and understandably so....These are my new challenges and struggles of being a different type of "grandmother" to my suffering grandson's emotional distress....I have good days with them and suffer right along with them on their bad days. My role of being grandmother has changed so dramatically. As confusing as it sounds, my role has reverted back to "mothering"...loving, nurturing, comforting, teaching them manners, playing games, reassuring, reaffirming that they are loved above anything else. We will weather this "storm" together and hopefully they will come out of it without too many scars.....Along with the many heartaches I have witnessed the little ones going through, I feel that they know one thing for absolute certainty; that I will be there for them, always! A grandmother's abundant love runs deep and overflowing! I know my house is their "safe haven" just as I know my "Heavenly Father's House" is the same for ALL of us.....with HIS abundant love for us, always...

I pray that God continues to give me the strength I need to fulfill this opportunity to reshape/remold these young grandson's minds with all of HIS goodness/love at Bible School on Sundays and by my unconditional love/example on a daily basis. It is the solid foundation that will carry them throughout their lives. I also pray for my son to continue to be a loving, positive role model in his son's lives. He definitely has stepped up his responsibilities by being a very proactive parent. Big Sis, please keep us ALL in your prayers for strength, wisdom and guidance for the sake of the boys....God Bless!

Love, Hugs & Blessings,

Little Sis

Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him.......

Psalms 127:3

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it....

Proverbs 22:6

A Dog's Life

2012-02-16T20:06:00.001-08:00

I like to share a story sent to me by a friend. It inspired me to live life to the fullest. I hope it'll do the same for you.

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle. ... I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience. The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker 's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's Death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, ''I know why.'' Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. It has changed the way I try to live. He said,''People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?'' The Six-year-old continued, ''Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long.''

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy. Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently. ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY!

The Plaque

2011-12-19T11:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Little Sis,
As I think about this time of the year and all the gifts that are received, I thought I'd share with you a story about a gift I received many years ago. It is one of my prized possessions.

* * *

The children filed out of the classroom one and two at a time, the parents were standing at the door, another morning of teaching Children’s Church had come and gone. This Sunday, I felt a sense of disappointment. The class hadn’t gone as planned. The children weren’t misbehaving, but they seemed a little preoccupied. I didn’t feel like I had got the main point of the lesson across and it hadn’t gone smoothly. I had forgotten to say things I wanted, I seemed to be stumbling for words, and my multi-media presentation had fell flat.

I said my goodbyes to the children, complimented them on their hard work and gave out a few hugs. I then took mental inventory of my class preparation and thought I could have spent a little bit more time on it. What was the point of my lesson? I wasn’t sure if I had one. I concluded that I would do better next time.

When I got in my car, my husband asked, as he always did, how the class went. I answered with, “not very well”. He could tell I was feeling a little discouraged, so he gave me a good pep talk and we headed for home.

While on the road, my mind wandered to Sunday School Teachers I had as a child (the days before Children’s Church). A name from the past immediately popped into my mind, Mrs. Beavers. She was a great teacher!...but why? I then realized that I couldn’t even remember one thing she had taught me. How good of a teacher could she have been if I didn’t remember anything? Oh, it must have been the plaque she gave me, that is still treasured in my home, that’s why I thought she was so great. But I couldn’t remember why I had gotten the plaque; did I win a contest or was I rewarded for my attendance? Maybe I memorized the most Bible verses. But nothing came to mind. What was it I did remember about her? A HUG. Yes, one simple hug in a parking lot while standing next to my mom. There were not too many hugs given out in our home, but that one from Mrs. Beaver “squeezed the daylights” out of me. A hug that has lasted a lifetime and is still remembered when I look at the plaque given to me for some unknown reason.

It would be years later, as an adult, that my mother would share with me that Mrs. Beaver had all of her life been married to a non-Christian man, a man who lived a sinful lifestyle, a burden she carried to the end of her life. But this burden never stifled the love she had to share with others.

I reconsidered my morning, maybe this class hadn’t gone so bad, maybe a young heart was touched and love was given and received. Maybe the children wouldn’t remember the point of the lesson, but maybe they would remember the love.

By the way, what does my treasured plaque say?”

Only one life 'twill soon be past, only what’s done for Christ will last. "To me to live is Christ” Philippians 1:21

"So Much To Be Thankful For"

2011-11-15T16:24:00.000-08:00

Dear Big Sis....

When I think of where I was a year ago, I am astonished at how much I have grown in my relationship with the Lord, my family and my entire outlook on life that has been totally revived because of an awesome, God-based program called "Celebrate Recovery." It is a recovery program based on eight principles from the Beatitudes...

When I began my journey, I was totally feeling isolated and so paralyzed with fear that I did not know exactly what was happening to me. I had experienced so many multiple losses that my grief was tremendously overwhelming. I felt like I was slipping into a very lonely state of seclusion. I went to the classes for about three months and thought maybe this program was not for me because the topics of conversation were hitting too close to home, making me feel very uncomfortable and anxious. I stopped going for a few months because I went on vacation but when I returned, I started feeling even worse by not attending the meetings.

Camp for a Lifetime

2011-08-22T15:55:00.000-07:00

I was so thrilled when I got the Facebook message from my granddaughter on what a wonderful experience she had at Hume Lake Christian Camp. The money I had invested in paying for her week was definitely spiritual seed that had been watered. She truly met God there. It had always been my dream that one of my grandchildren would return to the same camp where I had experienced God in a real way.

Years have not dimmed the wonderful camp experiences from my memory. A girl I went to school with had invited me to go with her church camp at Hume Lake. We didn’t know each other that well and as I look back, I find it amazing that I went. Imbedded in my mind are the sounds of the clanging bell summoning us to the dining hall, the lake, the cute boys, sitting at a picnic table reading the Bible with my cabin mates, but most of all, my cabin counselor.

I don’t remember her name, her age, her facial features, or body type. All I remember is her light brown hair falling over the front of her face, covering it while she prayed. I had never heard someone pray as if they actually knew God. I don’t remember her words, only how they made me feel, as if God was present. It’s incredible that five days with someone can bring a lifetime impression that models your Christian Life, but this counselor did this and she never knew.

I can only imagine that one of the joys of heaven, where everything is revealed, will be when I will see her again. To recognize her, I’ll have to ask her to bow her head, have her hair fall around her face and then I’ll say, "Yes, it’s you, you impacted me my whole life to live for our Savior and walk in His ways!"

Mister- The Perfect Dog

2011-07-27T10:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Little Sis, did I ever tell you about the time God gave me the "Perfect Dog"? It all began one day after a long time feeling that something was missing in my life...

"Do you mean it"?, I responded with a shocked and delighted expression on my face. I couldn't believe my husband finally said yes to having a small house dog. We had been Chocolate Lab Breeders for over 20 years and when our last male died unexpectedly, we decided to hang up our kennels boots and remain pet-free. After of couple of years, I was missing the warm fuzzy feeling when a canine friend lovingly gazes into your eyes. My life didn't seem complete. Our chocolate labs were working dogs, bred for hunting ducks and upland game, and always lived outside in a kennel. Having a dog inside the house was something that my husband never wanted, but now his heart was open to meeting my longings and wants and completing this missing part of my life, so out of the blue he announced that he would agree to have an inside dog. Now our life would be complete.

I decided that a Miniature Schnauzer would be the dog for us. My daughter had owned one years ago and I always admired their size, temperment and intellience. Early one morning we got a phone call from our son-in-law. He had heard about our interest in a dog from our grandchildren and he knew of an 7-year old dog that someone was getting rid off. I couldn't believe the timing of this call, just days after my husband had agreed to get a dog. Surely, God was opening a doggie door!

But, after a day's consideration, I decided that I didn't want such an old dog, over half of his life would be gone. Shortly after this decision, my husband came home one afternoon and said he saw a Miniature Schnauzer down the street. We jumped into the car and at the owner's door we told him of the Mission we were on. He showed us his cute dog, although it looked a lot smaller than my daughter's dog. He told us of the breeder who actually lived in our small town. Again, I was thrilled as I sensed God was leading us the way. We called the breeder and made an appointment to come over that evening to look at a litter of pups.

When we drove up to the property, I could hear the barking of puppies and my anticipation grew. When we went into the backyard, 8 pairs of little eyes greeted us. They were really cute! I was a little taken back when the breeder told us that they were $600 a piece! That was twice a much as we had sold our Labs for one-tenth of the dog. I reflected that I shouldn't let money come in between me and happiness, so I asked her if we could see the parents. We walked to a different area of the property and were confronted with 2 of the smallest, mangiest, dirtiest, and ungroomed Schnauzers I had ever seen. I couldn't consider purchasing a puppy, especially at that price from someone who kept their animals in such shoddy condition. I heard the "doggie door" loudly slam shut.

I went home discouraged. I was confused but not undaunted. It was now late in the evening and I got on the Internet and began a search for Miniture Schnauzer breeders. I couldn't believe that I found an outstanding breeder within an hour of our home. I immediately called and talked to Donna who informed me that she did indeed had puppies, but they were show quality and sold for $1500. But she did have adults dogs, who she had retired from the show ring and would sale them only $300! She sent me a picture, I couldn't believe my eyes, here was my perfect dog, Mister.

The next day we met Mister and took him for a walk. He was as amazing as his picture. I couldn't believe she was selling him. She recommended that we take him for the weekend before purchasing. She also told us if we bought him she would retain his breeding rights, for he was considered about a $10,000 animal! I couldn't imajine why I would need any time to consider buying him for God had brought me the Perfect Dog, right?

My Brother, My Nephew, My Reunion

2011-07-15T07:02:00.000-07:00

On July 7, 2011, I was so blessed to be able to see my nephew, Mike, whom I haven't seen in over 40 years...It was a dream come true reunion for me and my children. The last time I saw him was in California when he was 2 1/2 years old before his mother took him back to Texas where she filed for divorce from my oldest brother, Keith. Divorce is so extremely devastating for everyone involved and the heartbreak affects all family members, especially if they move several states away.

Seeing my nephew after all these years was very emotional and bittersweet. He turned out to be an outstanding, amazing, wonderful, kind, loving and caring man with so many more awesome qualities. I am so extremely proud of him and all of his accomplishments. He is a retired Coast Guard after 21 years of service and he continues to work hard for his loving family. I caught myself hugging him every chance I could get and just staring at him throughout the evening because he looked so much like my brother with his mannerisms and all but his demeanor was so gentle and sweet; so opposite of my wild, rebellious, older brother.

I briefly thought of my brother and the way in which he was raised by a father that was way too hard on him. I am ashamed to say that my father was not a "good father" or "role model" for my brother. My father was physically and emotionally abusive. Too many times my father would call my brother "worthless" and as he grew older, it hardened him, toughened him and he grew angry. So angry that he enlisted in the United States Army and volunteered to go to Viet Nam. There was no love lost between the two of them and they never once saw eye to eye on anything. The only time I ever saw a change in both of them was on my beloved mother's death bed. My oldest son who is a Pastor spoke to his grandfather about the importance of "forgiveness" and it was then, over 50 decades of my brother's life did I witness them "forgive" and begin to love one another, as they both embraced and wept.

My brother attempted to connect with his son on a few occasions but it was not meant to be. He wrote a final letter to his son while he was in a hospital in Arizona. He did not get a response but who could blame his son after a lifetime of disappointment. He never saw his son again and passed away on April 10, 2010 from lung cancer and kidney failure.

"Survivor's Guilt"

2011-06-28T05:55:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I had a mammogram/sonogram scheduled and when a doctor in a long white coat walked in to explain that I needed to have a needle core biopsy, I nearly fainted while I was still lying on the table...Although the experience was undeniably frightening, I was so blessed to have so many "Prayer Warriors" of mine help me through a most difficult time and I took great comfort in knowing how really "powerful" prayer can be...I was also so deeply touched to receive a wonderful, encouraging Hallmark (I couldn't help but notice) card from a newly treasured dear friend of mine, "Sis2" who was praying for me, as well.

The waiting period for the results seemed like forever as I attempted to keep myself busy. A two week wait seemed unreasonable and agonizing, so I frantically called a week later. A very caring and compassionate nurse said "not to lose any sleep tonight" (which I took as a hint) and instructed me to call back the next day for results from the doctor....The next morning I dropped to my knees and repeatedly thanked my Almighty, Heavenly Father for the words I heard were, BENIGN... I also prayed a special prayer of gratitude for all of my "Prayer Warrior Sisters."

Although my life had been spared for that moment and please don't get me wrong, I am eternally grateful but I still felt such a heaviness weighing on my heart that I couldn't explain. It has taken a week to finally come to grips with what was bothering me. Why was I spared and my little brother, Kevin was not? Why was his cancer so horrific and hideous that I still struggle with haunting flashbacks of his suffering? Why were my prayers answered and all of the frantic, hysterical prayers to spare my brother's life were not answered? I am feeling guilty that I am living and he is NOT....His suffering was completely off-the-scale....The doctor at UCSF completely removed my little brother's entire tongue in a grueling, 14 1/2 hour surgery...He no longer had the ability to swallow, talk, eat or sleep in a horizontal position. Everything that we take for granted was stripped away from him....He sat in a recliner and suctioned his mouth and trach 24/7 for three agonizing months....

I used to give him a back/neck massage to relieve some of the gripping pain he was enduring and one day I just fell to my knees and wailed in front of him, like you see women do in the Middle East....I felt so incredibly helpless. He was dying and he had to literally pick me up off the floor to comfort me. The doctor took all of his lymph nodes out and there was no place for the fluid to go...so his entire face started to swell, and swell, and swell until his beautiful face was unrecognizable. He finally relented and my father and I admitted him into the hospital for the final time. Hospice took over...I was in his hospital room with him on Easter Sunday.. March 27, 2005, on his son's 18th birthday when he passed away at the age of 45...My mother just passed 15 days before him... I watched two of my loved ones dying at the same time.... There is not a day that goes by when I don't think of them. I sometimes wish that I did not love them so deeply and miss them terribly, as if the pain would be less. But I deeply love and I deeply miss both of them.

As I continue to struggle with their untimely tragic deaths, I pray that someday I might find some "Peace" regarding the unbearable suffering that they endured and I overwhelmingly witnessed... I have had all of the counseling you can imagine but sometimes it is "triggers" such as my biopsy that bring me back to haunting memories and "survivors guilt." I pray for more faith and more trust in the Lord who knows all of the "why's"... And I deeply pray that I finally accept that all will be revealed to me someday in God's time.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalms 34:18)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; acknowledge HIM in all your ways and HE will direct your paths (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Inherited from You

2011-06-17T10:37:00.000-07:00

We all think about our fathers on Father’s Day. Who can avoid the media bombardment? But I have a constant reminder of my Father, even though he’s been gone for 6 years, and that reminder is --myself. Yes, I’m so like my dad that the little things I do throughout the day is a constant reminder that the “Nut Doesn’t Fall Far from the Tree”. I purposely use the word nut, for it accurately describes my dad! He was the funniest man I knew. His quick wit made me laugh, my friends and all that knew him. And even more importantly, his humor covered a multitude of sins, but that is a subject for another Blog.

Even the last day I saw him on this earth, humor did not escape him. As he lay there in the hospital bed, dying from Kidney Cancer, I called my oldest son, his favorite grandchild. My son talked to him on the phone knowing it might be his last conversation with his grandpa. After I hung up the phone for my dad, I apologized for my son that he wouldn’t be able to visit his grandpa. My dad said matter-of-factly, “Oh, that’s alright, I won’t remember it”. At his funeral on April 21, 2005, I wrote an account of the characteristics that we have in common and read it to honor him.

Inherited from you dad…

-When I find myself unable to pass a clearance rack and shop at a consignment store, …I’ll think about my dad

-When I reuse a paper towel…I’ll think about my dad

Friendship is "Priceless" in Any State

2011-06-01T15:55:00.000-07:00

When I was laid off from my position last August, I never realized the huge impact it would have on me since I had been working most of my adult life. I thought that I would absolutely be loving the fact that I no longer had to set my alarm clock and fight the miserable, gridlocked traffic of a daily commute. I have to admit that the first two weeks were pretty blissful but by the third week, boredom was starting to settle in. I never even toyed with the idea of what I might possibly be doing if I were not employed anymore, other than look for more work. The one thing I discovered was that I truly missed interacting with other people since I am and always have been a "people person." Barbra Streisand phrased it so perfectly in her song, "People, people who need people, are the luckiest people in the world."

My biggest issue since I moved to Texas back in 1998 was: I really had no people. Sure, I have my wonderful daughter, son-in-love and grandchildren. My youngest son is also in Texas with my two youngest grandsons but I had no people of my own to call, friends. I'm partly to blame for this dilemma because I never felt like Texas was my home and that all of my best friends were back in California. I wasn't giving Texas a chance and I was really suffering because of this mindset.

So sitting alone day after day got to be extremely, unbearably lonely and I slowly started to become somewhat of a paralyzed recluse which frightened me to no end. I did not want to be a recluse for I am a "people person." Our Heavenly Father never meant for us to be alone either. So after many months of being alone, I decided that I was going to go over and introduce myself to my neighbor across the street who was also, alone.

In the 10 years that I have lived in my house, I only knew my neighbor to the left of me and we seldom spoke other than a simple, hello. This was a defining moment for me as I nervously approached my neighbor across the street who was out doing yard work. As I introduced myself she extended her hand and said her name was, Gabrielle. She is most definitely, without a shadow of a doubt, a most delightful "angel." And I absolutely had no idea that she was saying to herself as she was winding up her garden hose, "Today is the day"...that she was going to approach me, as well. I know and felt in my heart that it was a God thing that brought us together. She has been all alone in her house for over a year and a half and we immediately shared a common ground. She had left her family and friends in Oklahoma and felt like she was in a foreign land just exactly how I felt when I made my move to Texas.

I had her over a few days ago and we spent the whole afternoon getting to know one another, laughing and talking like there was no tomorrow. We drank tea, I made lunch, we exchanged numbers and did a little shopping. It was a wonderful day and we are planning more wonderful days ahead. We are planning to attend Bible Study and church together along with added social functions. Friendship is priceless no matter where you live. God is so AWESOME and GOOD!! My Almighty Father opened my eyes so that I could feel acceptance and love in any state!
-Little Sis Kathi

"It Was Refreshing"

2011-05-13T13:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it all comes together...the Sun, Moon, and God's Will, and more often than not, without our effort. It was one of those times a couple of weeks ago when my teenage granddaughter called me and said "I really want to visit you". There was a sense of urgency in her voice and because I follow her on Facebook, I had an idea it was about a recent breakup between her and her boyfriend.

When I picked her up, my intuition was correct, she had broken up with her boyfriend. She has been wearing a purity ring for about a year and when she came to the conclusion that he didn't have pure intentions, she took a stand and broke it off with him. I was so proud of her, but her tender heart was still hurting for as she told me of her decision her eyes filled with tears.

Mother's Day was around the corner and my daughter-in-law and I were making plans for the special day. I discovered that she was attending a special woman's event the Saturday before Mother's Day at her church that was geared for young women. She suggested that maybe I could bring my granddaughter. Although I thought it was a wonderful idea, I found myself struggling with the idea of driving for over an hour to the church and back, taking my granddaughter home that evening and then I would have to drive back home again. It would be a lot of driving...and would she even like the seminar? Mother's Day I had another event and even more driving. I really balked at all the effort I would have to make, but in the morning my granddaughter was still interested in going, so off we went.
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My Mother is an "Angel"

2011-05-04T10:49:00.000-07:00

As Mother's Day approaches, I am reminiscing and missing my precious, wonderful mother "Francesca Rose" who went to be with the Lord over 6 years ago on March 12, 2005. For reasons unknown, she named all six of her children with names that began with a "K". When she called for one of us, she would sometimes just stammer with that letter and even make up some new names for us that began with the letter, "K". She was such a unique character who was so out-going, fun and she never met a stranger. It did not matter where we were, she would strike up a conversation with someone and tell them her entire family history. I used to get very embarrassed every time she would introduce herself because I knew what was going to transpire. She was such a people person and my father was the complete opposite. As a child, I vividly remember our camping trips with our huge family. My father would want to find the most secluded area to set up camp but my mother would always manage to meet new people and invite them over to socialize which would drive my father absolutely over the edge.

We always looked forward to our holidays and family get togethers because she so loved to entertain. She also enjoyed cooking and being the center of attention. She had a language all of her own that would make us laugh until our sides ached. She was the life of the party and the glue that held our family together. She was not demonstrative with her affection but we all knew that she loved us, unconditionally. And she taught us by example, how to love unconditionally. She truly deserved the highest medal of honor for her bravery with the challenges of raising six children.

As we became adults, we actually taught her how to say "I love you" and we would hug her until she pulled away. She was raised during the "Great Depression" without that kind of affection, verbally and physically but she grew to use those tools we taught her until the end of her life. I enjoyed the special times that I shared with my mother and many times we would just hold hands and laugh ourselves silly. I loved to hear her infectious laughter. Even at my age, I desperately miss so many wonderful things about her. Her voice, her touch, her smell, her laughter and especially her love. Thank you, Mother, for a lifetime of treasured memories. Happy Mother's Day, "Frannie"..... I love and miss you so very much. Rest in most Perfect Peace until we are reunited again!!!

"Easter In A New Light"

2011-04-25T07:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we celebrated Easter Sunday and I have so many different, ambiguous feelings erupting in my heart. I was so elated to hear that my oldest son who is a Pastor in California was portraying Jesus in their Easter production of "The Messiah." What mother would not be bursting with pride to say that her son could walk on water? Or at the very least, do tricks on water with an air-chair behind a boat in which I have witnessed on several occasions. I am so thankful and blessed that Mom#2, Carolynne, was there to experience this awesome and powerful performance. She was responsible for sending us the first live, on stage pictures which made us feel like we were there. We love her Christian heart and soul!!

I was also equally elated when my youngest son announced that he was going to church with the family which was another miracle in itself since he had been through so many trials in the past 5 years and was too depressed to go anywhere....And what an extraordinary, happy and blessed day we all shared. I could sense that God's work and presence was evident in the hearts of both sons.

I was joyfully rejoicing this morning while listening to "How Great Thou Art" that Big Sis posted on Facebook (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7eiEaK4GXtw&feature=share) when it dawned on me that my little brother, Kevin died on Easter Sunday, 6 years ago and I was moved beyond words. My heart that was feeling so much joy just a short while ago was starting to feel extremely heavy again with a sadness and loss of such a wonderful, fun-loving brother that I loved and adored so much. Kevin's end of life was tragic and horrific. He was taken from us way too soon and then it hit me like a huge bolt of lightning. So was our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ's life tragically and horrifically taken as well, to save us from our sins. For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that who ever believes in him, shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16). And after reciting that Scripture repeatedly, I'm feeling a strong sense of reassurance and peace instead of anguish and pain. I will continue to pray for wisdom and revelation to remember Easter in a new light, next year.... Little Sis

God is Bigger Than the Boogie Man!

2011-04-11T13:06:00.000-07:00

"Grandma, leave the light on, I’m scared!" It wasn’t the first time Gavin had asked me to leave the hall light on while he was staying at my house in what I refer to as the “grandkids room”. Full of cars, dolls, tea sets, and a trundle bed, I thought I had provided everything to make this 3 year old comfortable. I asked him if he would like me to read to him, I thought it might help soothe his little heart. I rummaged through the bookshelf and found “God is Bigger than the Boogey Man” a really cute Veggie Tales story. I read it through it and smiles replaced his tears. In the middle of the story, the book's character Junior remembers a song that helped him when he was afraid so he sings it::

“Cuz God is Bigger than the Boogie Man!

He’s Bigger than Godzilla,

Or the monsters on TV!

Oh, God is Bigger than the Boogie Man!

And He’s Watchin Out for You and Me!

After I sang the song in the book and finished reading the rest of the story, I left the light on and it wasn’t long before Gavin was fast asleep.

A couple of weeks ago, I found my heart filled with fear. Earthquakes, Tsunamis, Nuclear Meltdown, Radiation Threats…does it get any scarier than that? I was overwhelmed with the destruction and the pain of others. The news of the situation was constant and there didn’t seem to be any relief or solution. Threats of the huge nuclear reactor melting down grabbed the airwaves and spurting deadly radiation into the atmosphere and the situation remains serious to this day.

As my heart was stirring with fear, a tune came to my mind and I started singing it to myself, “God is Bigger than the Boggey Man...”. I then pictured in my mind the ominous nuclear reactor that I had seen on TV that no man couldn’t control, like a huge Boogie Man….but God was greater!

“Cuz God is Bigger than the Boogie Man!

He’s Bigger than Godzilla,

Or the monsters on TV!

Oh, God is Bigger than the Boogie Man!

And He’s Watchin Out for You and Me!

A smile came over me, peace in my heart replaced anxiety, and sweet sleep brought me to the next day. What Boogie Man is in your life right now?...sing along with me.

Shall We Dance?

2011-03-19T10:33:00.000-07:00

To Tara and Bubba-

Some time ago, my husband and I suddenly lost an elderly friend who had been married for over 50 years. It started us thinking about what our life would be like without each other. We had some heartfelt discussions as we expressed how difficult our life would be without each other and what a lonely road we would have to travel.

I thought about all the many memories we have together that only he and I have experienced. And if I were alone, there would be no one to reminisce those unique memories.

It wasn't long after that heartfelt discussion that I saw a movie which contained a scene which exactly expressed my thoughts. The scene is from the movie “Shall We Dance” with Richard Gere and Susan Sarandon. The scene shows the character Beverly Clark, played by Susan Sarandon, is asked why she thinks people get married. Her answer brings a new awareness of the meaning it is to have a life partner.

"Why do people get married?

...because we need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet you know. What does any one life really mean?

But in a marriage—you are promising to care about EVERYTHING-

The good things

The bad things

The terrible things

The mundane things

…All of it

All the time…everyday. You are saying, your life will not go un-noticed, because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed—because I WILL BE YOUR WITNESS”.

Love is A Verb

2011-03-02T10:04:00.000-08:00

February 27, 1965

It has been many years since I walked down the aisle with my husband, in fact, we just celebrated our 46 year anniversary! How do you assess all those years in a few words?...an impossible task!

We realize we are a rarity in this day and age and we often feel the pressure to be an example to younger couples. Last year we went to a Couples Retreat and spent the weekend with all younger couples. Even the Retreat's Speaker asked us "why are you here"? He assumed that we must hold the secret for an enduring marriage and that we didn't need any further instruction. A few couples at the Couple's Retreat approached us and asked us our "secret", I wish I had been more prepared with an answer.

But since last year, I've been doing some deeper thinking on how I would answer these young couples. God's Grace has been the cement that has held us together, many times when we wanted to pull apart. His Grace is expressed as we are learning to use Love as a Verb. Below is a wonderful portion of a devotional I read from Jill Savage's Online Devotional, "Love is a Verb". If I could share the secret of the endurance of marriage, and for that matter, any relationship, I would share it with Jill's words below.

Immature love is a noun. A thing we long for. A feeling. An expectation of what someone will do for us.
Mature love is verb. An action we take. A decision. A choice to do something for someone else.

Love as a noun feels despair when you no longer feel “in love” with the person you are married to. Love as a verb understands the ebb and flow of feelings. It focuses more on expressing love than feeling love.
Love as a noun demands its own way. Love as a verb works to understand differences and is open to new ways of doing things.
Love as a noun finds faults in others. Love as a verb gives grace and forgiveness.
Love as a noun expects others to serve them. Love as a verb serves freely.
Love as a noun expects to always feel warm and fuzzy and “in love.” Love as a verb realizes that often we have to choose to love even when we don’t feel like it.

http://jillsavage.com/

Avalon-Orphans of God

2011-02-23T08:59:00.000-08:00

This amazing, powerful song was played before my Celebrate Recovery class last Monday...It spoke volumes to me....I felt the Lord's loving arms enfold me with such comfort. I hope and pray that this song will comfort anyone who is in need of being comforted...God is the Great Comforter!

Celebrate Recovery - 30 Days

2011-02-01T12:15:00.000-08:00

Big Sis, last night I attended my 4th week of Celebrate Recovery and received my 30 day Recovery Chip for attendance. The weather out here in Texas had turned bitterly cold and I had almost talked myself out of going to the meeting like I always do every Monday night but 15 minutes before the class started, I was on my way there. My biggest struggle is with depression, anxiety and fear due to multiple losses so I really have to push myself and just go and do it afraid... As the meeting began with prayer, we were treated to live music this time. I could really sense the presence of God there as we all sang praise and surrender songs to the Lord to help us heal. If I had stayed home I would have greatly missed an opportunity to witness yet another moving, inspirational testimony of brokenness which led to victory by one of the leaders who gave her testimony back in 2008. She felt compelled to tell her story again which gave all the newcomers a real sense of hope. As she courageously and bravely bore her soul, there was not a dry eye in the audience. She ended her testimony by saying that she will always be a work in progress and expressed how truly blessed she is to be loved and accepted by her Celebrate Recovery family.

We were then dismissed and asked to attend our individual meetings. I am in a group called Hurts, Hang-ups and Habits. We are seated in a circular formation and we first begin with prayer. We introduce ourselves, express that we are Great Believers in Jesus Christ and then briefly state why we are there. We go around the room again, one by one to discuss what we are feeling. Some of the women had victories to share. Others discussed how there week had been going.
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MY LOVING TRIBUTE TO: "BULAH FAYE VAIL"

2011-01-29T13:22:00.000-08:00

Big Sis, it's so very difficult for me to comprehend that it has been six months already since Ms. Bulah Faye Vail has gone to be with the Lord. I am posting my loving tribute in her memory, as I was unable to attend her service in California. Rest in Perfect Peace, Bulah Faye! She will forever be loved and missed by us all.....Little Sis

MY LOVING TRIBUTE TO:
"BULAH FAYE VAIL"

1/25/28 - 7/29/10

Bulah Faye Vail was so much more to me than my best friend, Deborah's mother. She was my dear friend as well and we shared a very special bond that lasted for over 38 years. Our lives were entertwined and a part of an extraordinary, extended family.

Bulah Faye had a wonderful "Southern" charm about her and a very quick wit to match that would keep us all in stitches for hours. Bulah Faye had no problem telling it like it was...she was a cross between Erma Bombeck and later on she developed into "Maxine" with some of her most popular sarcasms. I find myself still using some of her slang words like "Shoot Fuzzies" or "Spittin' Nails." She absolutely loved her husband John (who passed away way too young) about 37 years ago. She never dated or remarried because he was her "one and only" True Love.

Bulah Faye was a strong-minded, strong-willed woman whom I admired immensely. She lovingly adored her children, Deborah and Michael and was a strong influential "Matriarch" for her family and grandchildren - Stevie, Brandi, Lisa, Brian, Michael and great grandchildren, Melanie, Tiffany and the great grandsons. She truly loved her family and all of her friends.

She was very well read and she had quite the knack for decorating in romantic, vintage style. She was meticulous and one of the most organized person I have ever met in my life. Everything had a place and was well kept with "perfection." She orchestrated her life down to the last minute. She was indistinctively, down-right uniquely, AMAZING!!!

She loved and lived life to the fullest and made wonderful lasting memories to treasure with her family and my best friend, Deborah, who was her Mom's best friend as well.

Bulah never missed sending me a special Christmas card every year and quite lovingly sent me Sympathy cards with Obituaries when I lost my beloved Mother and Brother in March of 2005. She was kind, loving and extremely compassionate. Just recently I received a treasured "gift" from her. One of her vintage "handkerchiefs" from her collection. I will forever cherish it as a token of her love for me.

Although we feel the deep sense of loss and grief for her passing; we can also search our hearts to find peace and comfort knowing that Bulah Faye Vail has finally claimed her "Southern" mansion with the Lord. She is being embraced in his Almighty, Loving Arms along with her beloved husband - John, her beloved mother - Granny Vance and all of her loved ones that have gone before her.

May the Almighty Lord continue to provide Deborah, John and entire family members and friends the strength they need to get through this most difficult time and know that as we continue on our life's journey; we will all be reunited together in Heaven, "One Fine Day!"

I will love and miss you always, Bulah Faye Vail; and I know I have said this to you a million times but a very special thanks to Almighty God for blessing us with "YOU" and a very special thanks to you for blessing me with your beautiful daughter; my Deborah, my "one and only" TRUE LOVE of 38 years!!!

Rest in Peace my Dearest Friend, until we meet again....Always, always,
Kathi

My Egg Friend

2011-01-24T10:39:00.000-08:00

Impacting another person’s life is often a secret we may never know. But when we do find out that we have touched someone, there is a joy that is hard to put into words. Recently, I contacted a Facebook friend about this Blog. In her response she added, “you have a very special place in my heart since you are the one who initiated my knowledge and relationship with our Father.” I was total shock with these words, for I never knew she considered me in this way. That particularly gray and gloomy day suddenly became bright. It also brought to mind my “Egg Friend”.