;:mind of a daydreamer:;

Horoscope Monday, Aug 22, 2011

2011-08-22T22:15:00.001-06:00

Your ability to play it low key enables you to show up at work without revealing too much about your personal life. Others may think that they can see the true you, but you might be turning on the charm in order to hide something you don't want to talk about. Trust your intuition now; don't divulge your feelings until you're more comfortable with what you have to say.

Had to write something,.

2011-08-15T23:13:00.002-06:00

Very tired, just went through a lot of accounts, sites, files, plans, thoughts,. Organizing bit by bit, knowingly I should rest. Except that bug bit, you know, the one that heavily weighs-in your past laziness.The one that also keeps telling me I should get my ass ready for what is yet to come,. But enough, I did what I could for the past 2 hours. I must get some sort of rest as I gotta be back in my cube @ 5am,. Here we go again,. Haven't taken pills for my anxiety for the past month, doctor is gonna be mad. But I do not want to be taking anti-depressants anymore,. :) They SuXxOrS 100%,. Alright,. done with the non-sense

Where is my mind?

2011-08-02T21:18:00.001-06:00

I was walking through a wheat field making sense out of nothing. I asked myself where I had gone off to for so long. As though I was part of multiple things, all which made no sense. As I walk through the path I extend my hands at the kernels that are steadily placed on their stems, which in turn are firmly planted on the ground. The awn slowly caresses the palm of my hands as I make my way through the field. There is a sense of nostalgia as small essence of the kid I once was had been came to this very same field, I then felt the presence of regret, toward all those things I had not accomplished at some point in my life. My reasoning was faded by something more than my own judgement. Clouded by that which has always kept me back from achieving those goals set on any given day on my long list of days on planet earth. I can now tell I'm no longer in the wheat field. And the place I'm in is unfamiliar to me.

The breeze calms my breathing, as I start to realize I stand a top a high rising mount. I can look down at a village I do not recognize. But a vague feeling of knowing it is a place special to someone I may know creeps in. I feel lucid, a velvet comfort, I realize the place I have visited is not real. In the back I can hear Tibetan chants slowly spreading a wide sense togetherness. I suddenly become ill on my one true weakness. It sounds so obvious here in this place where I metaphysically stand. It is so easy to pinpoint that which holds me down. But up there in the surface, It is so hard to maintain concentration. That small doubt of a problem which always takes me further into an abyss of sorrow. A self-driven no-sense place of masochist desire for an untamed mind.

I am no longer standing. I hear drumbeat. I lay down, face up, in the middle of a forest. I have my eyes closed, but I can feel it is rich in green. The feeling of the comfortable soil beneath me and the plants growing at my sides. It is as if time has stopped for me. Yet, everything around me moves much faster. As though I have become a constant in this vast unwithering realm. But it is now time to let go. Time to surface. So here I go. Going back up,. Then off to sleep,.

As I have become an early bird of prey,.

be good to yourself // walking a lonely road

2011-05-24T20:42:00.004-06:00

Having the knowledge that something is always off. Being aware that despite you hold a clear image in your mind, words stumble when it's time to let it be known to others. I don't know about the rest of you, but I suffer immensely due to this miserable habit.
There are things about me that are just off when it comes to my persona. I'm not open to the rest, always to keep hidden some part of me. Prey to my own mind, tired of being judged, casualty of a never ending cycle of which I expect no one to assimilate. Some part of me just learned to be that way. After all the comments, the typical jokes, the tired old statements about my appearance. It is not easy to let go when you've been fed this odd reaction from those you see day to day or meet once in your life. There is truly nothing that can excuse me from being this way. But, on the other hand, I cannot fully explain why I am how I am,.

Talking to my psychiatrist & psychologist (that statement alone, clear sign there's an issue) I begin to understand further where my mind has ran off to (even though they sometimes may do it in a lecturing tone (which I hate)). Why I have fallen victim to this anxiety. Today I meditated and got some real answers from inside. But there is a long way from where I am, to where I want to be. All I can do is walk the path the best I can, hope for the best, and eventually leave behind that baggage that keeps holding me back.

actions follow belief,. I need belief,.

had a great dream yesterday, wished I was that me,. not the me I am now,.
wish I had that which I lack,.

Note to self,. Main Issue Organize/Prioritize

2011-05-10T19:42:00.003-06:00

Have a huge issue understanding this lack of full potential,. I'm in need to answer a lot of questions to myself. Now, where to start?

Horoscope - Cancer - 5.10.2011

2011-05-10T19:41:00.000-06:00

Today's the day to shift into gear and put your plan into motion. You've had enough time to process your feelings and to consider what's ahead and you can't put off the inevitable. Instead of waiting for a better moment, take the first steps toward your goal now while you have the chance. It could take a while to get there, so don't delay starting any longer.

A mile in my shoes,.

2011-05-10T19:23:00.002-06:00

I could have sworn by now this part of me would have faded away; But it has not. I find myself longing for more of what I felt when I walked a path that was once clear. In time what I felt was gone. It's no longer in me. The fight in me is no longer loud beneath my skin. As though the will of being free is not in touch with myself.

Walk a mile in my shoes, take a look through my eyes and you will see. I approach my demons unwillingly,.,.

I am all who are lone inside disconnected from the answer that would set them free. I am all who are lost, looking for an answer to a problem they need to rid. I am all who behind it all just want to love there own skin. I am all who after all watch a sunrise in life waiting to breath,..

Walk a mile in my shoes, taste the chest caving in... Looking for the fight in me, to set me free.

Missing Montecristo,.

2011-05-03T22:02:00.001-06:00

We Control The Sunlight & My Easter Greetings?

2011-04-23T16:17:00.003-06:00

Hope everyone is having fun this weekend,.
Had another anxiety attack @ 5am
just as I was arriving to work. Good thing the security
guard was there,. (helped me get some water),.
Hadn't had one like this in a while,.

Got to my cube and did the best to let it pass,.
Im @ home now,. tired and wondering if
I forgot anything I had to do,.

Heard this song which brought
this sense of well being and
realization over the need to let
the unnecessary anguish truly slide,.

A skill I lost along the way somehow,.
All I want is to have it back,.

My Girl took a trip today,. hope she had fun
with her family,. Luv my girl,.

In conclusion, wish I had more Camara Lenses?

:p

Tunkofest 2011

2011-04-02T09:23:00.004-06:00

Went to El Tunco with my friends yesterday night,. (they stayed over I came back, I have work to do). Now there's a place that has change throughout the years. Wish I could've enjoyed it farther than my head lets me. Just like I was wishing that rock band polluting the night's air to shut the hell up. No point in going to El Tunco and sitting next to so much noise,. Might as well stayed home a wore protection ear muffs while we drank. But moving my view aside of some meaningless things. It was good to see my friends all in one place. Rare opportunities for us to be in one place will sadly become scarce. So well then I stayed with them as far as it was possible but the time came I had to leave. I thought coming back from El Tunco was going to be challenging (due to my anxiety kicking in like a bat out of hell just as if it bothers me whenever it's bored and wants me to amuse its witty self,.) It was a great ride though, The only thing I remember thinking was, "Man this rode is not so bad, people should really stop racing these streets,..". Oh well,. got home 30 minutes later, I messaged my babygirl, who has been working really hard on her assignment for class. Such a beautiful girl, such an admiration, like no other. Love you baby,. After that message I sent her, I fell asleep like a rock. And now,. I gotta get ready for work,. Well then, take care.

Missing

2011-03-06T10:40:00.006-06:00

Once again my timing and choice of words kill hope in a hopeless world,. I used to be such an optimist. And I would like to think my actions mean well. But yet again, here I stand loosing my sanity unable to grasp whom I hold dearest. Again I make fault on those who expect more from me. Again I disappoint whom I want the most in life for. Whom I only wish the best for. I'll never be more than the second option. Again, I wish you all the love you deserve. You are but one beautiful rose in a forsaken desolate world,.

Horoscope - Cancer - 3.2.2011

2011-03-02T23:50:00.005-06:00

"It's challenging to keep your ideas to yourself today because there are things you want to do and the support of others can be the key to your success. Normally, you might not enjoy expending so much energy, but now you are enthused by your long-term goals and are willing to take your plans to the next level. It will be easier to spend the day in motion if you consider it a moving meditation that helps to align your soul with its current purpose."

////////////////////////////////

Right on crabbies,. lets get aligned!

P.S. Sweery, I have to do something about the snoring,. u.u :$

////////////////////////////////

Back 2 Square ONe

2011-03-02T23:28:00.003-06:00

After a great weekend in Montecristo,. (wish I was still there,. the air up there is awesome) I've had a rough landing on the first few days of March (3rd Month of the year,. already?),. mainly due to the anxiety issues that cloud my head day in and day out,. Had a long chat with my doctor @ work and will also be having a few more chats along the way in the next few days,. Worst news I've had has been the fact that I'm pounds away from being exactly were I started dieting more than a year ago. Which basically could (and I could almost easily say is) the reason I'm so screwed up with these attacks,. But, there's no point retrospecting the same sad ol' story for the fiftieth damned time,.

So, I can only take it as it can only be seen,. A wake up call,.

And,. I would also like to comment on how much of a dumb-ass I was on not documenting the process I followed the first time dieted,. it's a bitch of a struggle having to remember what I did,. what worked and what didn't,. Regardless I gotta get back on the wagon A.S.A "fucken'" P!

If all goes well, Next stop Montecristo National Park

2011-02-26T07:51:00.005-06:00

Gonna keep this short,. Very excited today, probably one of the trips I have been waiting for in years will finally be accomplished, for today we are off to Montecristo National Park!!!

So the camera is charged,. just gearing for the trip now. My babygirl has as presentation @ the University early today. So we just gotta wait to get that outta the way, and then WE ARE GONE :D

At Last :)

Reflekt Feat Delline Bass - Need To Feel Loved (Adam K & Soha Remix)

2011-02-21T23:15:00.004-06:00

One of those songs that lets me drift through the chaos of the day to day grind,. Just to close my eyes and fade away,. It's a great feeling to escape,. Wish we could do that so bad,.

Hope you get better sweets,. (My babygirl is sick),.

The video is a mashup from the movie It's all Gone Pete Tong, great marriage with this song, seeing as though the song is featured in the movie,. great flick,. So enjoy,. Headphones recommended,. :)

Eyes Wide Open, I'm dreamin',. +.-

Come and catch me baby, I'm falling
Come catch me, babe.
I'm fallin'.

Come and save me, baby.
I'm callin'.

Come and be with me, babe.
Come as you are.

Come catch a fire, babe.
Don't let me fade away.
Don't let me fade away.

Come catch a feelin'.
It's electrifyin' me.
Eyes wide open.
I'm dreamin'.

Free fallin' baby.
Awake before I'm back.
Free fallin' baby.
Awake before I'm back.
Awake before I'm back.
Awake before I'm back.
Awake before I'm back.
Awake before I'm back.

Come and touch me baby.
I need to be loved.
And come hold me babe.
I need to feel loved.
I need to feel loved.

And come catch a fire.
Don't let me fade away.
Come catch a fire, babe.
Don't let me fade away.
Come catch a feelin'.
It's electrifyin' me.
Eyes wide open.
I'm dreamin'.

Free fallin' baby.
Awake before I'm back.
Free fallin' baby.
Awake before I'm back.

Come and touch me, baby.
I need to be loved.
And come hold me babe.
I need to feel loved.

Come and touch me, baby.
I need to be loved.
And come hold me, babe.
I need to feel loved.
I need to feel loved.
I need to feel loved.
I need to feel loved.

Waiting on the stop light,. and a new year passes by,.

2011-01-20T21:51:00.007-06:00

affection,. over & above my reason
to contemplate the discrete moments we share

luv u sweets,.

thanks for everything you've done,. you drive me to do more,. you've stood beside me through the good the bad and the ugly,. I can't describe how special you are to me,. I know I got my faults,. (you know that all too well),. But I do thank you for seeing past all that and being there for me,. Love you for who you are, and I find myself spending my time thinking about you, all the time,. To me, because of the rocking girl that you are, loving you comes naturally. We have good memories and so much more to come,.

+
+
+
+
+

Now,

I do not claim to understand much of what life gives you. I can attest though that more often than not, bitter~sweet is the taste of what we go through in our daily grind.

Wait,. This may be an all-too-late good-bye to the old,. and let's see what the new calendar brings,. Type-post,.

But here I am,. half past January bleeding out words of regret of not saying anything at all,. (My sweets is on the other side of the phone line,. sleeping,. hopefully resting that complex mind of hers,.) I myself in need to type,. even if it's not much of anything or a lot of nothing. The main point of me bringing up this je ne sais quoi,. a fragment of whateverness if you will,. (god,.(that's another topic),. have I not overcome my mind's block throughout all these years?)

focus,.

<.<. breath .>.>

<.<. follow the breath .>.>

<ok,.>

What I wanted to say is,. Last year is gone, it had laughter and tears,. things were concluded and gaps were left,. I say let this year come as it may,. with it's tasks & distractions, celebrations & wounds,. What matters is live the days towards a better way,. love more,. feel more,. understand more,. 2011 is the year of the rabbit,. I say, Grab this rabbit year by the ears and make it your bitch,. Let the obstacles come and let's handle them,.

Night Angel's Lullaby /// December Go,.

2010-12-26T23:09:00.007-06:00

I've never been much on new year's resolutions,.
I've never been much in keeping promises I make to myself,.
I find ways to run emotions to the floor until nothing goes through,.
But before I realize there's a lot I'm not gonna get to do,.
And the flow inside me as twisted and unfamiliar as it has become,.

Between you and I, let me leave this behind,.
The anger that's inside,. towards me and others for the lies,.
Kiss my girl GoodNight,. Turn around,. Close my eyes,.
To all those from whom you'll never be mentioned,.
I want you to know, every waking moment we loose time,.

I make my way in open arms aware I'm broken,.
Knowingly disregarding any attempt to halt this sensation,.
I don't feel right, Without boldness I'm not strong enough,.
But it is me who keeps me behind,.

The worst is not yet over for now,.
And I can't yet breath in harmony,.
I keep a vision of a destination,.
limited by my own confusion-made conviction,.

But it is here as I look into the mirror,.
were I disclose your demise,.
Even though you'll linger here as the days pass,.
Rest assure I've ruptured that which links us,.

But I know the truth now,.
I know who you are,.
You're not real, just a bad dream,.
This is my life,. finally on a road again,.

for I'm locked inside my head,.
in the cold,. retrospect,.

. . .

.

My Comment on the Drudge Report: On Rand Paul & The World,.

2010-12-13T00:07:00.001-06:00

Rand Paul was asked about the Civil Rights Act of 64 just to be put on the spot (Pointing out the obvious). He did the best he could do to keep the conversation logical. (Those Pauls are Cool Beans) And the guy putting the sign has a right to put it,. Even-though I think that putting such a sign shows how a sad and ignorant human being you've become. ONE LOVE! P.L.U.R! How ever you define it,. we are all beautiful! Too bad we have all become a bit too egocentric, materialistic, consuming drones,.

Cuando la aplicacion se congela,.

2010-12-01T11:08:00.000-06:00

"se pone cero + el hermano de mi papa,."

Thanks Parras for the enlightening comment, haha,.

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December, 1st day of the last month,.

2010-12-01T09:56:00.001-06:00

Have been meaning to post something,. at least anything, it's been a while and the fact that I've been away for so long ( in the sense of not putting my words down,. ) feels just down right awkward,. so here I am doing what I can posting through email, as web access is a no-go (in this place where I am right now) <.<,.

The year has blown by and much has change, it's been a fun ride with the normal ups & downs you could expect to always show up in cue.

<< went to training>>

So as I was saying, It's been interesting times, I've been meaning to get a canvas and oil paints cause I've been having the urge of putting down something on canvas for a while. I haven't figured out yet what I want to do exactly, but definetly its a thought that keeps revolving in my head. Would be nice to do a couple of them. And see what happens.

That reminds me, just as last year I was able to purchase the camera (Canon 450D (Xsi)). I gotta say the camera has been a great, it was definetly what I expected and more. Except one thing, that the Kit Lens is a nightmare with dim light. Blurry unfocused pictures even with the highest ISOs,. It was expected. Sou hopefully that'll change soon. Its been really good for our short trip & at home with my Baby Girl & the unfocusable Rodri (he doesnt stay put),. But I can see how this hobby turns into a profession for most. The creative value is great. Goot thing my sweets like photography too, but we havent been able to get to do more creative portraits, I say it would be due to that Kit Lens.

Off to another topic,. I hate this anxiety thing. I love how sometimes it takes a backseat in my life. That's good an all. To forget about it and you live a few moments in life as though you kinda feel like you were normal. But sometimes it comes back with a vengance. Yesterday I came back home after spending sometime with my girl (as she did the paper we need to turn in on friday (which btw kinda felt useless there, not doing anything myself) I played with rodri on my girls phone ( apparently for him to play on her phone means I gotta strictly play sometimes too). I digressed with one too many paranthesis,. Anyways,. yesterday I had one of those moments were you're just one hairpin away from total uncontrol collapse crapified feeling of "leave me alone",. mixed with gotdamn it feels good to excercise and move around and sweat,. It is that moment, when you stop just as you got to the very last part of excercising. And your heart is beating like crazy. That moment when its at I'm pumping beacuse of excercise and right next to,. Damn this is how it has felt when I had my worst anxiety attacks. Such a sweet & sour feeling,. u.u,. damn I dunno why I'm so fixiated with this anxiety so much,. Even I'm tired of listening to my head talk about it., but at the same time., feels good to let it out,. anyways,. back to dispatching parts for my fellow customers,. hoping my mind helps me find out how I'm gonna get out the current routine,.

And if the Mail2Blogger doesn't post this,. I'll be pissed,. <.<

A definition of that, which matters most,.

2010-09-25T16:49:00.005-06:00

LOVE
noun \ˈləv\

1 ///
(1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
(2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers
(3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests

2 ///
warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion,.

3 ///
unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another,.,.

Warren G - Regulate, in the news,.

2010-09-14T22:52:00.002-06:00

Who the hell in Reuters was in charge of naming this article "Obama eyes options for naming Warren as regulator" I can't fathom Reuters making this sort double sense title on purpose but at the same time the coincidence is far too great. And for the sake of argumentation,. let's say Reuters knew this would get people's attention,. Who uses a 1994 G-Funk track hit to lure people to read about politics,. :s thing is,. that it worked on me,. :( Are they using G-Funk era dualing comments because the president is black? God,. who knows,. but it was interesting none the less,. at least to me,. <.<

September,.

2010-09-02T23:20:00.002-06:00

So Neto apparently listed a site for the "@ de Oro",. Gotta start voting for that as soon as it's humanly possible. Which just put me in the realization of how things have a way of taking place,. how some items on one's list stay pending far too long. I thought that the time for some goals would've happened by now. And it's in some way sad to figure not having completed much. But again, moments like these just come back to re-manifest forgotten roads to take,.

I'll try to walk those roads one step at at time,.

Today was a good day,. great teaser day,.
helped my Sweery & Rodri with homework,. got Office 2010 installed on Aleman's lapster,. And in the end watched "The Expendables" with Neto and Aleman,. Crazy action-packed movie,.

Need more thinking and meditating to do,.
Talks to you later,.

Restrospect 2008 and Imagine,.

2010-08-22T08:39:00.010-06:00

I lay in bed comfortably surrounded by numerous pillows (I've been endowed with back pain due to my overweight, ((spare the digression on which my thoughts flow)) I find myself going through my vast music collection.

As I had a few months away from my Numarks and really found the urge this morning to sit back comfortably and listen to some tunes and reminisce. As there are far too many genres to go over in such a rainy Sunday morning, I stuck to, Ambient, Chillout, Trip-Hop, culminating in a thought about Trance & Progressive. And basically I cannot say much about tracks produced from 2009-2010, there are a few which you could catalog as Club Anthems there are really great tracks such as Man on the Run with Dash Berlin, Cerf Mitiska & Jaren. But so far my heart holds true to 2008's epic list of great tracks. As 2008 by far had an arsenal of hymns as no other year I can think off.

On April 17th, 2008 (my brother's 24th birthday) Armin van Buuren released Imagine, his third studio album. Which alone would bring great classic hymns. To name a few in sakes of me enjoying releasing my thoughts. I'm talking about such masterpieces as the collaboration with DJ Shah & Chris Jones in Going Wrong becoming the first single of the album, Audrey Gallagher in Hold on to Me , Sharon in the massive second single In And Out of Love, JAREN! in Unforgivable as the third (my favorite) single,. Cathy Burton in the absorbing Rain, a great track which climaxed exquisitely @ minute 4:20,. And cannot forget Never Say Never with Jacqueline Govaert, which I list last ironically cause it was the last song that I came to enjoy (dunno, I would always skip it, until that one day,. haha) and also it was the fifth and last single of that album,. wait,. no,. the last I really list is the fourth single which was Fine Without You in collaboration with Jennifer Rene,. but I always skip that song (I'm not compatible with the first 15 seconds, Even though it becomes a great song after @ 1:15),.

Now,. Thats just Armin Van Buuren,. I haven't even spoken about the grand Above & Beyond followed by themselves as Oceanlab,. Markus Schulz & Dauby with Perfect! Dash Berlin with Till The Sky Falls Down! Super8 & Tab with Helsinki Scorching! another great song that blows my mind.

What about the cream of the crop and just monumental song I heard every single day for months on end @ 5am as I got my things ready for work. A song that I could say accompanied me in my time of focus,. (which is a kinda bitter & melancholic thought, as lately my morning rutine,. my daybreak ritual is null,. aka a wreck,. Beauty Hides In The Deep (The Blizzard Remix) from The Doppler Effect. Such a hypnotizing track, the play on the vocals is just astonishing to say the least, in my mind it only comes close to ear candy,. an audible sugar high,.

Ok, that was just to name a few (as Maxi Jazz would say) :)

"with such vigor and zest"

And for the moment listening to another great track, as I finish this, what almost just became a very late Review of Armin van Buuren's - Imagine.

Kaskade - Angel on my Shoulder
(wow, also from 2008,. who knew? :p)
Who's name is Ryan Raddon
and should be 37-38 years old, making great tracks,.
Which just comes to show ~~you~~ (me), there still time,. hah,.!

The point is! (if there was any after all this mayhem) is that even though that was a great, wait, a GREAT year to Trance (as a verb and Genre),. And I hope to keep those songs playing even when my hair is gray or most likely gone. You gotta also give a chance to what comes ahead. Lets see how Armin van Buuren's - Mirage (his 2010 and fourth studio album) completes our lives for whats left of 2010,.

The real point is music makes our lives just a tad more enjoyable/comfortable in such a wide and dynamic range, a vast & universal spectrum of emotions get embraced with tempo as the guide. Sometimes,. even though silence & nature's sounds are great,. sometimes,. it's not enough,.

Thereafter

2010-08-14T00:25:00.005-06:00

Where my mind floats to when I disconnect from the last verse that ever makes sense. I make my way to attest my own weakness, But it comes to no surprise that in my mind I suffice a perpetual state of longing a never ending dream, lucid, to which real life becomes inferior. I follow my own sorrow as it would ever reply with reason. I am no longer my known self, standing under the star-filled skies, wind caressing the skin of a tormented soul. Not by love he's come to know, not by the lust he's ever came upon, not by the deception of what the real world holds. Not by his own unwarranted assertion that he holds no card that would satisfy his yearning to once again live the life lived,. and to know the life led to the end,.

Present, where the mind floats endlessly, provoked by it's own creation, enticed by it's own destruction. Potentially in an ever-lasting state of bliss,. Tonight in my own skewed state, I welcome what has to come next,.