NOT THE LIFE I BARGAINED FOR

HAVE A LITTLE PATIENCE

2011-07-13T05:57:00.001-05:00

"I need time, my heart is numb, has no feeling, so why I'm still healing...just try and have a little
PATIENCE". The British Group; Take That.

http://youtu.be/273eSvOwpKk

I just needed him to be more patient, but it wasn't in his makeup at that point at least for me.

I've recently started noticing that in relationships; any kind of relationship, PATIENCE is missing. So is respect, communication adoration, admiration and even true; unconditional and accepting love.

When I moved back here, a man took me out a few times that I knew as a little girl and I was excited as he was to get to know each other. We always had this "connection" between us. He could make me laugh harder than anyone I had ever come across and I'm not even sure why. I can't tell you why I'm still attracted to him even after all that has happened, but that I can live with.

Now, it had been 43 years since I last lived here and went to elementary school with this man who used to follow me around in elementary and chase me because he adored me; and I adored him although I tried to act like I didn't. He would try to get me out back at church and hug me which is really funny now to me that we were at church...where were our parents? He held my hand at a school play and I remember the other kids peeking over the seats to actually see it happen. He came to our house when they were pouring cement sidewalks and put our letters in it.

Although he probably doesn't have all the same memories I do, he doesn't know how important those moments were in a broken girl's life. He has no clue that his heart helped me to see a little bit of joy in a life that had things falling apart around it.

I used to keep the jewelry he would give me at Christmas, yes, in elementary he bought me jewelry. As most women know, it's not really the jewelry that makes them feel loved, it's the time the man (or boy) took to know you. He knew the colors I liked, the styles I would wear and he took the TIME or maybe PATIENCE to look for the right pieces. It was the time he put into it that made me feel loved, not the jewelry itself.

It was so innocent, sweet and loving for 2 kids who had some huge issues. Maybe that's why we were attracted to each other even back then. He was always making me laugh and it would take my mind off of some of the horribly, devastating things happening in my little life even in that small town of Arlington, Ohio.

I always felt there must have been something in me that appealed to him also that helped him get through some things in his childhood, at least I hope it helped.

The one thing I adored the most about him as a boy was his "free spirit". He had a rare thing about him that you could tell he would do things and actually did NOT care what others thought as most of us still consider others when making decisions that we probably shouldn't even put into the equation. He wasn't doing things in an unconsiderate way, more of a confident way. He would go head first into anything and accept the consequences later. I liked that about him, he had Courage.

He was a bit of what I call a good "bad boy". Someone who might do something mischevious but not intentionally to hurt others and usually it got a laugh.

He always had a giving heart and would do almost anything for you if you needed it even as a child.

We were an "item" and ironically after all these years, some people still remember that. I'm extremely surprised at that and when I first came here and was running into people I knew as a child, they would ask me, "have you seen him yet"? "You know he's divorced". The pressure from others would have usually made me turn and run, but I thought it would be nice to get to know him as a man.

When we went to dinner the first time, I remember feeling like I was being interviewed for a position the way he phrased his questions. He's very much like not just a bull in a China shop but a Bull who wants to hit every piece and break it open so he can see what's in it.

It was really way too fast for me...I needed a little PATIENCE.

But in the end, things would not work out for us. Ironically, the little boy who used to study me to learn so much about me didn't get to know the real me inside my heart. He talked politics and said, "you're so smart". I didn't want to talk politics; I wanted to talk matters of the heart and how he felt about things in his life that had happened. Typical woman. :)

It's sad in a way that I see so much turmoil and hurt in him. I was willing to be PATIENT with him because he had after all, been married since he was a teenager, imagine trying to learn to date again in your 50's after that!

I found it perplexing that he never asked me questions of the heart, like "why did you move back here"? "How do you feel about loosing the right to see your grandchildren". I would have told him how crushed my heart is that my stepdaughter made this decision over a stupid car, a car I even offered back to her dad so I could communicate with my Grandchildren. I wanted to discuss my hurt but it's not really fair to expect that of someone I haven't seen in so many years in reality; is it.

I've had a few people ask if it was him I came back to see. No, it was not. I had already made my mind up to move here the very first time I saw him, we talked about it and he did say to me "Brenda, you need to move back here, you need to move back HOME".

That line was exactly correct, I had to come back to the place I felt like was my home, but I came back here to battle and win over some demons in my life that keep me awake at night, not to make it a home again; maybe later that can happen.

I came to the right place, at the right time. I needed to heal; I needed a little PATIENCE.

PATIENCE with myself is something I'm learning to give to me. I have always been someone who just beats herself up over nothing instantly without thinking through my thoughts and my feelings as to why I would do things to myself that don't honor me.

I'm learning I have more power for myself than I thought before. I'm taking things slower in my life and making better decisions based on my gut feeling which is actually God speaking to me. I'm more spiritual than religious now and some of my views of that have even changed. I'm trying to get to peace, you see. Isn't everyone?

That little boy who has grown into a responsible man, loving Father and GrandFather, I will always adore and even love as in the kind of love you have for someone who mattered in your life.

I'm sad we couldn't even seem to become great friends and even sad I'll never get my motorcycle ride with him I thought would happen. Just something that was on my "bucket list".

We both like music, I would hope if he ever see this blog, which he won't unless I point it out to him, he would listen to the song I posted. The words represent how my heart feels.

In my deepest heart, I only wish him peace in his mind and to have his broken pieces of his heart to heal. I could never wish bad for him because at a moment in my life when I needed to laugh the most; he was there. I hope he finds happiness and anything else positive in his life to fullfill him.

I thank him for being the little boy's whose face I could see coming down the hallway with this huge, devilish and sweet grin that warmed my heart and made me smile. Especially the days when he didn't know what might have happened to me the night or day before. In some ways, he gave me hope that not all men were bad.

I have been told some about his past and others would argue that I don't see him clearly, maybe not in their eyes but this is how he was and is to me and for that I'm grateful. I know if I really needed to lean on him for something, he would still let me.

I can only hope he gets peace in his heart also.

I expected too much from someone who didn't even know me, maybe that goes a bit for him also expecting too much from me. We had these expectations and we disappointed each other. Something that is hard to fix.

In reality though, it's no one's responsiblity but mine to give to myself what I need to heal.

What I really need at this time in my life..... is just a little PATIENCE.......so to help heal my own broken heart; my broken life and broken me.

Take That - Patience

2011-07-13T04:05:00.000-05:00

Between Here and Gone

2011-05-22T10:03:00.003-05:00

I've always wanted for someone to love my broken life; my broken heart and just simply broken me.

I never really got a good start at a joyful life. Before age 6, many horrible things had already filled up my life and my mind, enough to never ever allow me to be who I was put here to be.

It created who I am today and that is a broken person. That is something I've recently had to learn to come to terms with. Tired of trying to hide it I decided to move back to the area that created me and confront the places that would bring back these ordeals that a little girl could not avoid.

I love a song by Mary Chapin Carpenter called Between Here and Gone, she is wondering where we belong..between Here and Gone. Every verse means something to me but I like one where she says,
"Will I have missed my chance to right some ancient wrong".

When I moved back to this area where I attended Arlington Local School from 1st through 6th grade, I thought it would be fun to see old friends and the area. What I started realizing was I still had a lot to work through. I thought I had dealt with everything, I guess you never can forget it all.

Having a conversation one day jokingly with someone, he asked when I had sex the first time, he had shared his first time, why shouldn't I? I wanted to lie to him and say any age but the age it had really happened at or at least the first time I could remember. I told him maybe we'd discuss that some other time trying to put it off as nothing.

What was I supposed to say? By the time I met you at age 6 I had several males who had already raped me? At age 5 I had a man strangle me to what I term "death".

How would he respond to that? Some experts say you shouldn't tell someone you are interested in things like that because they will never look at you the same again. The truth is...they don't look at you the same. Compassion is not usually at the top of the love game believe it or not for something like this. Usually they just "disappear" and are "too busy" to get together anymore.

A few weeks ago I had to go to Ann Arbor, Michigan to the Veterans Hospital. It was not far from where all this happened in Ypsilanti, Michigan, so I got some guts up (one of my favorite sayings to myself...get some guts up), and started driving towards the city where my little life was to be torn apart. As I turned onto the road called Prospect Drive, all of a sudden I knew I was going to throw up. I thought, "pull over, let it happen".

Letting the feelings roll over me and the tears start flowing I kept going. How could this still have such a hold on me? I spent years of counseling just to get through it and learn to try not let it affect any relationships I had. But all that had disappeared and now it was me and the demon battling it out...this time though...I was not a little girl anymore who couldn't strike it down. Oh no, this time I was a strong, military veteran woman bound and determined to win this war and no one or no thing was going to stop me!

I kept going and ironically enough, once I turned onto that road, with miles left to go, I knew my way without a GPS. How is it possible to remember what roads to turn on when the last time we were there was the day JFK got shot? I must have been age 6 or 7. But I went straight to the street.

Dwight Street. When I turned on it, I could barely stay on it so I drove around the corner and sat in the car trying to catch my breath. Then I decided I was not leaving until I knew I had the right house and area. So I called my brother and older sister, they both thought the number of the house was right. I had normal conversations with them, but they didn't know why I had gone there.

It wasn't our house but was the house down the road a bit where I went to play one day with a new girl in the neighborhood. No one answered the door, so I heard voices in the backyard, I went back to find her teen brother with 3 other boys.

I don't even remember their names... but I remember their faces. I won't say much more than that, you can assume what happened. I went home to say something to my mom but she was angry and yelling at my brother in the kitchen over something and it was years before I realized she didn't hear what I said. Instead, she just yelled, "whatever happened, you probably deserved it".

I know from a conversation we had years later, she was thinking I had done something wrong and one of the parents corrected me. (not uncommon for other parents to discipline back then). It might not sound like a nice thing for a mom to say to a daughter, but that was just my mom when she was angry.

What I found when I got off the phone with my siblings sitting there looking down the street was how smart a little girl I had become. Being able to separate bad things from the good and fun events in my life. That was to follow me onto Arlington, Ohio and through my life. I learned to separate the bad and not allow it to affect the good.

I can tell you that I learned to ride a big bike, my sisters bike which I couldn't sit down on because I wasn't tall enough in Ypsi, MI. I went to the park and made potholders and watched bands and danced. I had fun in my kindergarten class and enjoyed playing with the girls in the neighborhood all the while enduring not just that event and the strangling but other men who thought it was their right to use me.

Mostly, I was so glad I went back to Dwight street because as a child, everything looks so LARGE in your eyes. Now, Dwight street was very small in my eyes, crowded little homes and tiny street that I could have walked in less than 3 minutes.

It represented to me that now, I can finally make these horrible events in my life SMALL instead of so largely consuming.

I have a necklace I wear when I need courage to go see something, meet with someone or when I want to say something to someone. It's just a cheap round cylinder that has the word Courage imprinted on it. I like it because it is in the shape of a circle, like the Courage can never be broken.

Another verse from Mary Chapin Carpenter's song says
"Up above me, wayward angels, a blur of wings and grace
one for Courage, one for safety, one for ...just in case".

Just when you need it...there it is...COURAGE!

On the Road Again

2010-12-03T03:51:00.000-06:00

It's 3:30 am and I can't sleep. I'm doing it again. Driving for hours to get somewhere. I'm moving. My Mustang GT is stuffed to the windows with 2 TV's, Files, Clothing, 2 computers, boxes of belongings, books and the ashes of my Boston Terrier; Lucky.

Lucky was supposed to be with me on this trip. He's moved so much, he was a pro at fitting in. But he started getting ill a few years ago. Then a few months ago, he started acting like he didn't know me or couldn't figure out how to walk through a door.

It was like seeing my Father all over again in the first stages of Alzheimers only this time, it was my dog.

Putting an animal to sleep is such a hard decision. The Vet I went to thanked me for not waiting too long. He said most people go too long and because pets can't express pain or anxiety they feel over confusion, their owners keep them alive too long.

Are we doing it for them or is it really for us?

This is such a controversial subject. It was a hard choice for me, I was getting ready to make a big move and of course wanted my dog with me. But as the weeks came on, I started noticing he wasn't breathing that well, he was confused a lot and I knew his enlarged heart was probably causing the breathing issues.

Then there were days he seemed almost normal. But they were getting fewer and further between.

One day, I saw a picture of Lucky taken about 3 yrs. earlier and realized how different he looked now. But it wasn't just age, it was the light in his eyes...it was dull. Oh, he was still excited to meet people and see me when I came in, but not the same as when I saw the picture.

I started realizing that maybe he was sicker than I thought since dogs hide their pain so well. He was already on drugs for his heart; breathing and pain. There wasn't much more we could do for him.

One of the things that helped me to make the decision the most was that I sat down and wrote out a list of all the physical things that had happened to him in the last 2 years. The list ended up being a notebook page long.

How could I have missed all this put together? Because I was too close to him. It happened over time and I couldn't see it. I knew when I got to the end of my list, that the decision was clear. It was time for Lucky to rest.

After 13 years of having him around everyday, I can tell you I still do things like make my tea in the morning and turn around to feed him. Walk over to the back door thinking he'll be there waiting to come in.

You would think that not having to feed a dog, walk him, bath him and play with him let alone do things for him if he gets ill would be some kind of "freedom".

But it's not. It's simply lonely. I miss my Lucky.

I remember as he went to sleep, I realized it was the first time I watched his body so relaxed in a few years.I hadn't realized how tense his body had become. Had I waited too long? Had I held on for me instead of what was better for him? I hope not.

Lucky is finally resting.

It's just me who is restless now.

RIP

2010-11-22T22:15:00.000-06:00

Today I had to put my Boston Terrier to sleep. I've had him 13 years and can't still believe he is gone.

RIP LUCKY SHOWSTOPPER PATTERSON. How can I thank you for 13 yrs. of unconditionally loving me with no expectations; for always greeting us with happiness in your face no matter the pain you were in; for your silly slant face; for never being disappointed in my choices in life; for hanging with me through all the rough times and great times; but mostly, for keeping me company when others came in and out of my life. We love you Lucky and Mike, Anthony and I will never forget how you loved us. RIP my best friend. 11-22-2010.

You Ever Wonder Why?

2010-11-07T18:18:00.001-06:00

You ever wonder why some of us want to desperately loose weight, but we don't? Why some of us want out of a stale marriage but we don not leave? Why some of us want to learn new things or get a college degree but we don't accomplish it?

What makes it so hard to do the things that make us feel good, at least for women it can be that way?

I've worked years on myself emotionally to get to the peaceful point in my head about who I am; who I did not become; what I didn't accomplish and what I wished I could do but can't due to arthritis and Fibromyalgia.

My whole life has changed (once again) this year. I went to school to get certified in Microsoft Word and Excel. I found my husband was stealing money and addicted to well..you know, stuff on the internet plus going outside the marriage.

Oh, that's not new to me, it happened in my last marriage. But this time, I served this husband divorce papers before it tore me apart....too much. So now, at age 53, disabled, very little money coming in, I live with some friends right now in a state I know nothing about.

In other words, I am not on my own, I have to try and go back to work (wouldn't mind a bigger paycheck than disability), and I need to start cooking for myself again, and I'm just very sad lately, and conflicted in my heart, but I think I may have figured that part out this past week.

When I went home for my brother in law's funeral last week, I drove through a part of Ohio that I lived in as a child from 1st through 6th grade. I loved this part of my life. Although some horrible things were happening to me, I could separate that and enjoy the rest of it.

I rode my purple, metallic, banana seat stingray all over that little town of Arlington, Ohio. Day after day I was outside exploring, usually with a bunch of the same friends. I was so adventureous and carefree (unless the bad stuff showed up). But I made lifelong friends there and I was angry when we had to move.

I threw up a wall around myself and tried to get on with life. But it's been a struggle ever since. I started to realize this week that Arlington was the only town in America I felt a connection to. That to drive it's streets made me feel comfortable and in the right place. I spent part of the week with an old friend there and saw other old friends who greeted me as I had never left.

My Dad was superintendent there and people to this day still speak highly of him which makes me feel loved.

So it has occurred to me that I now realize at this age, with no kids in the house and no job yet, that I should go back HOME. That's what I'm missing. I'm missing a real Home. Where I know people, when other people talk of who did what to whom in town...I actually know who they are talking about. Where I can walk the sidewalks and feel the pavement I rode over so many times in my childhood. I need that physical and emotional connection to people who also know me.

They say you can't go back, it's never the same. Well, I'm not so sure about that. It feels the same and although many of us are older now or have even passed on, it feels like that comfy chair to me that you curl up in to exhale.

So I wonder why...I never went back before this. Is this the right time finally? Is this going to be something that I finally accomplish that makes me feel good instead of considering everyone else's feelings on it?

Perhaps finally settling down is in the cards for me now. Maybe after all the turmoil (which some I help create) in my life.....

it's time for me to Exhale... and finally go Home.

Is the Age of 50+ the New Divorce Age?

2010-09-29T19:19:00.001-05:00

I'm 53 yrs. old and I am almost divorced. (If he would just sign the last papers)!! But I'm starting to notice a trend among my friends and their friends also. Every week, I hear of 1 or 2 people who are divorcing now in their 50's. I have to ask myself, what is happening?

I know for myself, it is my second marriage and it seemed that perhaps I got fooled. I married a widower and I think now I realize that he simply wanted another woman in the house. I definitely did not have my eyes open enough to see the signs.

I was tired of trying to be the one who worked on the relationship. Wake up call to society; it's not only the women who keep a relationship going. I was also sad that I never received a compliment from him (emotional stimulation will help the guy get some sex) and that I couldn't quite measure up to his addiction of porn. After all, I'm 53, not 25. But..so is he, somehow his ego won't let him see how much he's let himself go.

I personally wanted more excitement in my life. I wanted to do things I liked to do instead of what he and his family wanted to do. Cook foods I enjoy instead of just what was required by him. I couldn't stand him whining anymore about his job and the people he worked with when in reality, I am disabled and haven't worked in 6 yrs. I was worn out from the negativity that spewed out of his mouth. Can't imagine he is a dream to work with either.

I simply wanted to start having a happy life. I thought this was when I was supposed to be sliding into home base. You know, sitting on the porch together, gardening together, looking at the stars, perhaps some sex that was satisfying not only to him but to me too! (please)!

Maybe women our age are out looking for more than what's happening at home. You know, the guy who works all day, comes in complaining about everything wondering where his dinner is and then gets on the computer to look at yet...more girls who aren't you and not even near your age and then goes to bed wondering why you don't want to have sex with him.

Yeah....divorcing in your 50's can be tricky. What about finances, what happens if you get out on your own and you are alone for the rest of your life, what about when you can't afford a place of your own and have to stay with friends or family? Perhaps you loose or have lost your job or you are disabled and can't work right now or forever.

Fears will keep you in places that are so devastating to your own soul. Walking out on the bare bones of what was in my marriage is the best decision I've made this year.

Even at 53, I'm smart enough to know that being alone is better than being alone inside of a marriage.

And I Used to be the Skinny Girl

2009-01-31T22:31:00.000-06:00

I had looked at the photos several times. There we were, my 2 sons and I in England together. I lived in England 22 yrs. earlier for almost 5 yrs. when I was in the military. Both my sons were born there and we left when they were babies. I always wanted to be able to show them this great country. So we spent 6 good days there and they enjoyed it. We didn't get to see everything we wanted to see but it was nice.

Of course, there were pictures taken and we met many others there who were from different countries also taking photos. They all came for a church event including us. So many of the pictures showed up on Facebook which we all shared. I've looked at them several times, trying to pick out where we were at and who was in the picture. But then after looking at them over and over, I looked again the other day and there it was, a picture someone else had taken. It really was of two other people but I just happened to be standing with my back to them and I was on the side of the picture. I guess I had never noticed I was even in it before.

I never noticed because I thought that had to be someone else. A tourist perhaps, since we were watching the Changing of the Guards at the Guard Barracks. But as I started to come to grips that the person standing there was me, I got a very sick feeling in my stomach. So I went to another photo where we were all in church on Sunday and there I was again. Was that really me? Could it be possible? I mean, I'm not young anymore, but was that the woman I was meant to be? Is that who I had become?

I was realizing that I was, out of over 100 people, the fattest (yes, I used the f word) person in the room. What happened! I've become obese. Oh, I've had some help along the way. 22 yrs. ago I got very ill and it's never stopped. I ended up with some illnesses that at the time, didn't even have names. Today they are called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia. Back then I was so ill I could barely function. It took many years, doctors and pills to figure out what was happening.

You see, the medications you take for these illnesses help your body keep going but will definitely put weight on you. I am 5'7" and weighed 137lbs. 22 yrs. ago when I became ill. I now weight 224lbs. In London, I weighed 211 and still looked huge. That was only 3 months ago but then again, I did have to start on a different medication. And I am big, but there are certain medicines I've stopped to try and loose weight but the symptoms are worse without them. Some I'll have to take the rest of my life because now I have a thyroid problem also.

Everyday I wake up hoping today is the day I feel normal again. And every morning, I'm disappointed. I want my energy back so I can exercise and when I exercise even just a little bit, I want my body to quit attacking me and making me worse. You see, it's a vicious circle that I've been chasing for years. I know how to eat because before I got sick, I was into being extremely fit. I know how to exercise because I worked out with experts. There's nothing new you could tell me I don't already know.

Recently I've noticed people have been looking at my stomach instead of my face when they talk to me. I cannot believe I am where I said I would never be. Fat. I'm not going to apologize for using the word Fat. Because I am. Yes, I was the skinny one in our family, in high school, in the Air Force. But sometimes in life you don't get a choice in what happens. Yes, it's true, I hate to inform Oprah, but people don't always ask to be sick. Sometimes, crap happens.

I've never made fun of anyone for their weight. There were girls I hung with in High School that would make fun of certain girls but I hated that. I wish I had spoke up more to them. But then again, some of them used to pick on me also. Just bullies really. But now people are looking at my stomach, are they trying to figure out am I pregnant or just fat. I don't know but I'm starting to experience what other overweight people must go through every day. I went to an appointment the other day and this thin woman tried to tell me everything to get me thin again but it was how she looked disgustingly at me that bothered me. Good for her for being healthy...hope nothing knocks her on her ass in the few coming years. She'll be in for a shock.

I don't know what to do anymore. Last week I decided to replace any carbs and sugar with vegetables and fruit. I put on 4 lbs. Makes me wonder, is it ever going to stop.

For now, all I can do is hope that I can figure out something else to get rid of the weight. Try to come off more medications while knowing it may mean I won't even be getting out of bed because they are what keep me walking and moving.

Yes, the circle of chronic illnesses can become so heavy....but then again, so did I.

And I used to be the skinny girl.

Oprah and Bob Greene

2009-01-13T23:21:00.000-06:00

I've been listening to Oprah's web casts for Monday with Bob Greene on her Best Life Series. They were talking about whether or not you think you are worthy of being healthy. Bob suggested you go back to the first 10 years of your life where your brain is wired on how it thinks and see where was the first time you felt like other people's pleasures and opinions were more important than your own.

WOW, as Oprah would say; Ah Ha!!

But the truth is, I already knew the answer to that. It was when I was 5 yrs. old. I have a twin sister and she and I were put in 2 different classrooms in kindergarten. It seemed that my class had more artistic times; more play items; a piano; puppet theater and a huge play room with what were playhouses and her class was more about books and learning.

I remember visiting her classroom and feeling sorry for her that she didn't have the whole playroom, piano and puppet theater we had. But the truth is that our class was supposed to be the more "not so smart" kids. After a while, I got that. But the moment I realized I wasn't as important was the one day we both came home with a piece of paper.

Her class had come to visit our classroom and we just took a simple piece of construction paper and remember how you use to draw lines all over and then color in each piece a different color? That's what we did. The paper was that dirty white color and she colored her different areas in with all pastel pinks, blues and yellows. She didn't press hard on her crayon either, she liked it light. Today, she still likes to wear these colors.

I had the dirty white paper also. But I took the purple, black; green and red crayons and pressed really hard to color solidly in each piece and I always ended up not being able to always stay in the lines. The colors were vivid and solid; eye catching. Today, I still like these colors.

But when we arrived home, we went into the kitchen where my mom was and she was handed my sister's paper first. She glowed over it and how lovely it was telling my sister what a good job she did. She then hung it proudly on the refrigerator.

Then I handed her my paper. Her whole face changed. As a matter of fact, I remember it scared me to look at her. Which I realize means I already knew what was coming. She grit her teeth and said, "this is the ugliest picture I have ever seen", "why would you pick these ugly colors and you can't even stay in the lines"!!! Then she did the one thing that she did with my life several times. She crumpled up the paper and threw it away.

She threw away a piece of me.

I must have already experienced her wrath against me because I was already scared to share it with her but it was the first time inside my head I said to myself at age 5, "this is going to be a really hard life".

I can tell you now I know why she always treated me differently now. A lot of it had to do with the fact I had a close relationship with my father. I also looked just like her and she was aging; not gracefully in her head. And I had cost them an immense amount of money due to health issues I had back then. In other words, she was unhappy in her life and she had found the person she could take it out on and it would be me until she started dying of cancer 32 years later.

I won't go into all of it and my sisters and brother probably never noticed although one time my twin sister admitted she had treated me differently.

But to figure out that moment and know this is when I was told by someone I wanted respect from and that I wanted to respect that I was not only bad at coloring, but I was so worthless that I could be thrown away. WOW. I've said several times that I never felt secure or safe in my own home and this was the point I dreaded the meanness I would see in her and the insecurity I've felt since.

So now, I have to figure out how to rewire that. How do you do that?? How do I make myself realize that I'm not only worth good health....

but that I certainly deserve it? Don't I??

Not the Life I Bargained For

2008-10-27T20:58:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been a while since I've written on my blog and I've tried to figure out why I stopped and I think I know why now.

I did enjoy the book I thought I would write about but then I got busy volunteering with the American Red Cross during the Iowa floods. Then of course life just happens. But mostly, I've come to realize I'm tired of talking of my illnesses. That somehow I feel it fuels them for me personally and makes me live in them more than I wish to. For others it seems to be a release but for me I feel I'm constantly reminding myself of them and that seems to make me feel worse. It almost feels like a label to me and I'm tired of being labled. It is who I am though.

There are other things I want to write about. Silly things really. Everyday discoveries; events and just plain life. You see, I feel better. I'm on new medicines and I feel ...well...sometimes close to normal. Not always, but sometimes. Of course I realize at any moment, that could change.

And I'm loosing a little weight here and there. That could be due to finding out the Thyroid problem I had. I do know that I'm feeling like I may not only want to try and go back to work but I may want to try for a new career. That's right, at age 51, maybe I've been given a new lease on finding a new life. I'm thinking of investigating becoming a flight attendant.

I recently flew to England and met many women my age that were flight attendants. A few of them have only been doing this for a small amount of time. There is not an age limit and now they just ask for a height to weight ratio instead of like many years ago when you had to be thinner. The benefits are great and the fact you get to travel and fly for a small amount is so tempting. Plus, I would get a chance to sit down now and then and I can bid on how many hours a month I want to fly. More control than your normal 9-5 job. I do really miss traveling.

I still would like to loose more weight just to feel better and London proved quite the challenge to my walking. Trying to navigate with young people in their 20's through the many stairs and the tubes (subways) and the many miles we must have walked was a real challenge. But I hadn't really tried walking distances since going on my Ritalin which gives me energy. There were a few days I simply couldn't go but I seemed to do better than I thought I would and therefore showing me a new light at the end of a very long tunnel I've been in.

It got me thinking that maybe I can do more than I think since going on the Ritalin and Thyroid medicine. Energy is certainly what gives us the life we dream of leading. I especially miss making my own money.

And now I'm waking up from the dream of working again and realizing this is Not the Life I Bargained For.

DISABILITY PAYMENTS

2008-03-10T23:56:00.000-05:00

So this is March 2008 and today I was informed that it will be March 2009 before I receive my first disability payment. So in July 2004 I stopped working, it took 3 yrs. to get a court date and I had to go twice. Now, I have to wait another year to get my payments started.

This is why we have disabled homeless individuals. Who is supposed to take care of us for 4 yrs. while all this paperwork bungle goes on and on?? FOUR years. By that time I hope God creates a miracle and cures me so I can make some real money. This has proved once again how the government will jump right in to help out. Ok, so I'm being sarcastic.

I'm wondering if Kansas is the only state this far behind on court dates and payments. If I hadn't met my husband of two years, I'd still be living in a Veterans Assisted Living Home waiting another year for my measly, and they are measly, payments.

What ever happened to my life I dreamed of? How did my health take over!! You know what...

THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I BARGAINED FOR!!!!!

DISABILITY APPROVED (AFTER 10YRS)

2008-02-24T22:32:00.000-06:00

I couldn't believe it when my husband phoned me. I'd just come out of the Vet Center for Counseling and he phoned to tell me I had a thick package from Social Security. He went ahead and opened it to inform me after 10 yrs. of trying to get approved for disability; I had finally be granted a fully favorable decision. I couldn't even get really excited anymore. Of course I'm grateful.

When I was young I could never have imagined I would be so ill I couldn't work. I went into the Air Force and was going to make it a career. But it wasn't long before I fell really ill although I did trudge along for 6 yrs. before finally going down hill so much, I had to get out.

Disability is not something people strive to have on their resume of life. I know few who said to themselves; "when I grow up, I want to be disabled". It's hard sometimes when people ask what you do for a living or you attend a high school reunion and they want to know what's going on in your life. You really have to think of something to say. My husband has an Ebay store (http://web.mac.com/brendazbiz/Brendazbiz/Home.html) so I use it as an excuse to say "We work out of our home". I don't want to say, "I'm disabled".

It's not that I'm embarrassed, it's just that people start asking about your illnesses and then they get this look on their face; compassion or sometimes pity. It's really just too exhausting to explain because I have a few of those "invisible" illnesses. Fibromyalgia; Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Arthritis. I used to be able to dance through the night, now I'm lucky to walk a brisk 10 minutes. It's very frustrating to see others with careers or going back to school and some days you can barely make it to the Living Room just to sit up a bit.

I'm going to feel better having some money come in to help with expenses. I've been fighting those worthless feelings you have when dealing with these illnesses. I just keep faith that some day I'll be better and can once again get out in the world.

I'VE BEEN REVIEWED

2008-02-08T17:00:00.000-06:00

Well, it's so exciting to get an email from another website saying they've done a review on you and they've added you to their site. At least is was for me. I was reviewed at http://www.peoplesmd.com /.

Here's just the small blurb they mentioned about my blog. (It still thrilled me)!! "We found this fibromyalgia blog to be among the most current. The author, self-described as “a mother, wife and simply a woman who stays at home with some health issues” shares this very personal blog, with good information and an very honest perspective on her condition."

I had read about this site on another blog just a few weeks ago. It's different from other medical sites because it has a place for Health Heroes. These are people who have blogs; personal guides and other sites that donate their personal health journey.

Here is part of PeoplesMD mission statement to explain what they are accomplishing. http://www.peoplesmd.com/static/mission_statement

"PeoplesMD is revolutionizing the way health information is organized on the web by empowering consumers, health professionals and organizations to identify, share, and rate the best health resources online.

On PeoplesMD, you play a valuable role in determining what information is most important, practical and useful for any health topic. Now instead of your health experience online being dictated by a Google algorithm or anonymous author, there's a site filled with great health links and personal guides by and for people with real world expertise. We call these people our Health Heroes and we invite you to join their ranks by quickly and easily sharing your favorite links and resources."

Sometimes the best information is from others who are also experiencing the same illnesses. There are Health Hero Topics; Medical Topics and Health and Wellness Topics to explore. You can also create a profile and if you have a blog that fits this site, you can apply to have it accepted there.

I appreciate them adding my blog to their site.

CHRONIC FATIGUE SYNDROME

2008-02-05T19:33:00.000-06:00

This is a great video recorded by Christina Celeste who also has a site that discusses this and raw food plus other aspects of CFS. Here she talks in depth about some of the symptoms of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. This is the first illness that hit me over 21 yrs. ago when they had no name for it and no books on it. Back then it was termed the Epstein Barr Virus. I had no idea what was happening to my body, but I seriously thought I was dying and no one knew what it was. I remember seeing Cher on a talk show talking about her symptoms of Epstein Barr and thinking to myself; could this be what I have?

CFS is an underrated illness that will totally and utterly destroy the life you lived and the life you dreamed you could live. I also have Fibromyalgia and it can be hard too, but CFS can actually cause seizure like symptoms or like me and Christina Celeste, we became paralyzed. There were times my legs wouldn't work and if I was walking, I would just fall over and couldn't get back up until my brain decided it for me. I might be drinking something and my arms would fall and I couldn't will to lift them until the brain decided it for me. My eyelids would close and I couldn't open them until the body was ready. Driving became too dangerous. The overwhelming; unexplainable exhaustion was too intense to work. So many other symptoms; pain; numbness and feeling like needles were being slammed into your skin at 1000 miles an hour is the kind of pain that has caused others to take there own lives.

This is one of the saddest illnesses I have ever studied and the lives totally interrupted by it. The dependency you have to have on others is usually too much for them and because you look "normal", people think you're making it up. I remember the first time I saw the first book ever written on CFS in a small library in Bellville, Ohio where I lived for a few years. I told my kids we couldn't stay any longer because I felt the exhaustion coming on and turned around and there it was... a top ten seller. I told my son to go get it for me and put it on the counter. The woman working at the library looked up at me and asked me why this book. I proceeded to tell her I believe this is the illness I'm suffering from and all of a sudden; she burst into tears.

I thought what did I say? She looked up and then said, "my husband just left me because of this illness". I told her I also had just gone through a divorce and was sure this had a lot to do with it. All we could do was hug each other. She was the first person I had met that had some of my symptoms. I felt so sorry for her. I knew how it had changed my life and the life I had.

This was the illness that made me give up my Air Force career. I had been in for 6 yrs. and was enlisted doing an officer's job so my Commander had helped me to get accepted into Officers Training which meant I had to go finish college to become an Officer. But right before that I started having to hide and fall asleep. People couldn't find me and one of my bosses was hiding what was going on with me. At the same time, I was getting married and that's the "excuse" I used to get out of the military. The truth was my Commander had noticed and informed me to either find a way to get out with the Honorable Discharge I wanted although he suggested I do a Medical Discharge. You know the Medical Discharge would have really helped me and I did not know that. I was a proud Air Force veteran and wanted to leave with that Honorable Discharge and I did. Today I'd give anything for that Medical Discharge.

What I wouldn't give financially for that "retirement paycheck" I never got to earn. I've done what others did with this illness, sometimes I could work but was sick alot and skipped around jobs so not to be fired or I just didn't work.

I still don't have disability pay and was a single mom for 15 yrs. of this illness. When I look back, I can't believe somehow on almost no money, sometimes welfare which I never dreamed I would be on, I did it. Unfortunately I don't remember some of it either because of the memory loss incured with it. The guilt you feel over it and what it takes from your children is a whole other post!!

This is a very serious illness and is taken seriously in other countries. It's time America wakes up and recognizes this illness. I know just last November 2007, that Social Security Disability has finally admitted it as a "real" illness. It took me 11yrs.; 36 doctors and countless tests to get my diagnosis. This, ladies and gentlemen are some of the symptoms of the most devasting illness I've survived; Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

CHRONIC FATIGUE SYNDROME SYMPTOMS-CHRISTINA

2008-02-05T19:27:00.000-06:00

67 DEGREES

2008-02-04T23:29:00.000-06:00

Just a short post today. Ok, they are never really short.

It's been a busy day for me which means I made a trip to the grocery store. This is a good day for me, just purchasing groceries. It's a balmy 67 degrees out after snow just a few days ago and tonight we may get 5 more inches of snow. Kansas weather is never a guarantee.

You know I was standing in line with my groceries checking out. I bought mostly fresh fruits and vegetables and a few cans of vegetables and a package of chicken breasts. I had a lot of vegetables because I like to make a huge stock pot of vegetable soup sometimes.

I was also in the "store" where groceries and everything else is supposed to be the least expensive...you can guess...it's a mile hike across their store. Not good for us fibromyalgia; arthritis people. Anyhow, the cashier says, "that will be 115.66"!!! I said, "WHAT, over 100 dollars for healthy food"!!! The lady in line behind me than decided to join in. She said to me, and I'm not kidding, "you know my daughter lost weight just by cutting calories and exercising".

So, I guess she thinks I'm overweight in her eyes. The truth is I am overweight, not mostly by choice. I have to take several medications that consistently put weight on me. As a matter of fact, 20 yrs. ago I was in bodybuilding shape as a female and I do know how to loose weight. The only problem is my body has to stay on these drugs to work. I have a medication for my thyroid to make my hormones work more evenly, I take an antidepressant that helps keep the pain of fibromyalgia in control (most the time), I take a pill that acts as a "pacemaker" to make my stomach contract because it doesn't work on it's own and this is a serious condition, I take muscle relaxers to stop my other muscles in my legs and arms from spasming all the time. Odd that they spasm and the stomach won't contract. And there's several other meds also. All these I have tried to go without and found that my body simply won't function without them. I'm grateful they have them.

So as this woman was telling me how to loose weight, I interrupted her (first I thought it was rude), and just mentioned that I had to eat healthy due to some health issues especially stomach. She said, "oh, there's things I'm not supposed to eat either, but I do". I explained to her that it's not like that with me. If I eat something I'm not supposed to, I end up in an emergency room begging them to put me down. The pain is unexplainable. What I miss most is corn on the cob. yummy and dangerous to me.

I just found it odd that she just assumed I needed to loose weight and that I would be ok with her mentioning that. God knows I would give anything to loose the extra 80 lbs. these drugs have pushed on me, but as much as I've tried with what you can do with these illnesses, nothing has worked. My only hope now is that I just started about 4 weeks ago on the thyroid pill. Maybe my metabolism will finally start kicking. I can only hope.

So the next time you see someone who is overweight, realize that yes, maybe they over eat or just maybe they have painful, debilitating illnesses that don't allow them the Priviledge of being who they truly want to be and that is healthy and in shape. I don't mind telling you after starting out with beautiful weather and an ok health day, her words to me brought me totally down and reminded me of how I must really look to other people.

And to think, I used to be a beautiful thin (but not sickly thin) model and danced my nights away. Today, I was lucky to get through the store and get my groceries. But not so lucky in the choices of people who once again opened their mouth before they thought it through. Too bad she didn't follow me out to the handicap parking!!!

DISABILITY COURT

2008-01-30T18:52:00.000-06:00

Today I went to my 3rd disability court hearing. I've waited 3 long years for a court date.

The court system seems odd to me. Very cold in some ways. I mean first you're expected to not work for at least 1 year before Social Security will even consider you for disability. Then when you get through the horrible very time consuming paper work, more than likely, you are almost always turned down the first time. By this time you haven't worked for approximately a year and a half. Some people have a support system to fall back on for this, but I didn't.

I was a single mom trying to make it just one more year knowing I was getting very ill. My youngest son had just his senior high school year left and I simply wanted to get through it. But my body had other ideas. Right when his school started I ended up moving into a Veterans Assisted Living Home. Not the best place for a younger woman to be honest. Not very safe. Where was a single mom who had no family near to go?? Luckily, my youngest son could move in full time with his dad and stay in the same school. I on the other hand was wondering if this is all there was going to be to my life now. Even disability wouldn't get me an apartment. Needless to say, I was depressed with no home for my boys to come to. So hard to have them come visit you in a 5x8 ft room that you may end up sharing with a roomate. I could have had a home, if I wanted to live 5 hours away. That was too far for his school year. I thought, maybe later. And of course, prayed to get better.

Living in the VA home, I applied for the 4th time, by now, for disability. Turned down again. I thought, "how ill do you have to be to get this"?? It was the lowest time in my life. But something interesting I noticed was that of the 5 women in there and over 60 men, the men were getting their disability every time and we as women, were turned down. I spent 9 months in the home before I met my now husband who lived near my son. Saw a story about him on the internet and wrote him never realizing he would be the man I'd been looking for over 15 years. It was my miracle.

We married and I still couldn't work and I had appealed my non-favorable decision. I finally hired a lawyer ( I had done this before) and that was over 3 yrs. ago. It took 3 yrs. to get a court date. It is now almost 4 years since I've worked and now I'm waiting for someone who only asked a few questions from me and had me in the court room only 45 minutes to make a decision on something he doesn't even know has affected my life so deeply.

They don't want to know your story. They just want facts. But so much of your life is wrapped up in these illnesses. It affects every single decision you make every minute of the day. Can I go up or down the stairs one more time? Can I make it out of bed just to eat something. How do I take this pain today!! And on and on goes every decision. You want that Judge to know how much you've suffered for a life you didn't bargain for. You want to explain to him how much of your life has been stolen from you because of these illnesses.

They are not interested, they simply want you to quickly answer a few questions and they will move on to the next person.

I pray I don't have to go through this again. I've actually been applying for disability for 10 yrs. even though I was working, I had met some men (notice it was men) that got disability when they were working with the same illnesses I have. That obviously never happened for me.

The guilt I feel over not being able to bring in my own money to my new family is never over. The worthlessness that can overwhelm you from feeling like you don't contribute is all consuming. But the pain of the illnesses is relentless....never stops. Now, at this time in my life when my oldest son has graduated college and the youngest one has 2 more years and they both live in Arizona, I would give anything to be extremely healthy. I could go do things I dreamed of when the boys got out of the house. I could go to Arizona and hike the mountains with my boys, that would thrill me to be able to do those kinds of things.

I would rather not be on disability because after all....it doesn't pay enough for feeling worthless.

THYROID!!!

2008-01-23T19:50:00.000-06:00

For over 10 years now I have consistently asked the various doctors I have at the Veterans Hospital; "are you sure it's not my thyroid"? For the last 3 months I've been so exhausted. I thought maybe my Chronic Fatigue or my Fibromyalgia was coming back full force. But no, it finally happened. My thyroid numbers finally went high enough to start me on a thyroid pill called Levothyroixine. I have hypothyroid. Since starting on it a few weeks ago, things are happening I'm not used to.

My joints don't seem to ache much anymore, I'm not hungry all the time, my sinuses seem clearer, even my mind fog seems clearer, the numbness and tingling I have in my legs, feet, arms and hands seem to have gotten much better, a little thing called a sex drive is showing back up, but mostly, I seem to be having more energy. As a matter of fact, not that it's back to normal energy, but more than I usually have; that I've been so long without it, I can't remember what to do with it. I find myself pacing through the house trying to remember what I used to do over 21 years ago before getting ill. This week, I decided to paint my kitchen.

I don't want to get my hopes up but I'm wondering if all the health issues I've dealt with since I was young could have possibly been this hypothyroid. From what I've read on it, it can show up even as a child, but not have any effects until you are older. I've constantly questioned for 21 years now, do I really have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia? Is this what God has planned for me? Because I gotta say I haven't been thrilled with the outcome. Constantly tired, missing out of a lot of life, sick all the time and finally not able to work for the last 3 years. Yep, I don't want to get my hopes up, but what will happen if after all this, it's simply my thyroid? Could it be possible to actually start exercising again and go back to work?? This would be a prayer answered.

I've met others who have felt much better after getting their thyroid pills. Their health has gone back to normal except for one of the terrible side effects which is freezing hands. My hands are freezing cold all the time now. Before I started these pills, my hands would sometimes get so warm, my dog wouldn't let me rest them on him. I do feel different. Not sure how to describe it. I just know it's nice to have some energy. Without energy, your whole life suffers. You can't go out with your friends all the time, play with your kids, go to stores when you need to, go back to college and the list goes on.

Mostly, it makes you feel guilty for not being able to keep a promise. Not just to others but mostly to yourself. A simple promise like telling a friend you will meet them for dinner and then your body fails you. I've tried several times to explain to people what it is like to be a prisoner in your body and no matter how much will power you think you have, your body still can control you and your mind in the end.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up that I might be so normal I could finish college at age 51!! Go back to work and earn my own spending money!! I'm trying not to get my hopes up; but of course, I already have.

VISITING THE NORTHPOLE

2007-12-15T22:12:00.000-06:00

Ever get tired of the same old looking websites? I somehow happened upon a website that could make your Christmas Holidays easier and more entertaining. It's at the North Pole!!

This site has everything. Things for Parents, Kids and Teachers. http://www.northpole.com/

If you're looking for something special for children, they have a place to print off story pages with pictures for children that they can color. Just print it off and put it together with a pretty cover. You can send a letter to Santa; personalize a story with a child's name or even your own in it; visit the Elf Clubhouse and also send a holiday e card plus much more.

There is even a place for teachers to find skills and exercises for all ages. There are Basic Motor Skills; Learning numbers; visual skills plus many other choices. There is even a Norad Santa Tracker that allows you to click on Santa's village and see what is being done in different buildings.

The best thing for me is under Recipes. There are so many recipes that reminds me of what my parents used to make at Christmas. You can find cookies; candies; cakes; pies; breads and other recipes. You do have to click on Parents then at the top, click on Kitchen. It is the most extensive list of recipes for Christmas I have found.

Since my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome has been interfering with me getting out much, maybe I'll get time and energy to make some of the familiar recipes for our own Christmas.

Don't forget to visit the North Pole soon!!

SPEAK ENGLISH PLEASE

2007-12-07T00:11:00.000-06:00

A friend sent me one of those emails that everyone passes around, you know, you've received them also. It's a story of how someone puts up a bird feeder on her porch. The birds start feeding and more come and then comes the bird poop which she had to consistently clean up but so many kept coming and squealing in demand of the free food that pretty soon she couldn't use her porch because they would dive at her to protect the babies they were popping out.
Finally, one day she'd had enough and took down the bird feeder. Within a few days, all the birds were gone.

The story goes on to talk about illegal aliens coming to America demanding the Government here take care of them and give them a drivers license, a food card, money, even a free education in college is being considered all the time carrying not an American Flag, but there own flag and demanding that we learn their language. Here's my response to this.

I am an American born female Air Force Veteran. That should give you some hint on what I'm about to state as my opinion.

Please respect my America. If you're coming to my country, please just come the legal way and learn what it means to either live in America or become an American citizen. When I lived in England over 20 yrs ago, I consider living there permanently. You think it's hard to legally get into this country; try getting to live in England!!! At least 20 yrs ago it was. Things change.

But that's the way I would have done it. Legally. I also would have respected their rules and their flag and learned their own English (yes, it's different from ours) because I didn't want to go to another country and make them talk like me, work like me, be demanding for free everything and carry my flag around offending them. I wanted to respect them. As a veteran, we weren't allowed off the base until we took a 2 day class explaining all the different words used, how we were to act in public, how not to offend the British people but above all, how to respect their rules and country and how not to act like a loud American. Not everyone took it to heart, but I did. I'd waited since I was 5 yrs old to live in this country and I wanted to enjoy it.

As a matter of fact, I was sure I would have to work harder to stay there and I would have gladly done that. I would have to realize I was not able to get government help for the first 2 years making it my responsibility to support myself and my 2 children and then they still could have decided they didn't want me in their country and I would have had to leave, crying all the way as I did when I finally left 6 yrs later.

I've never wanted to deny entry to this wonderful country to anyone who was willing to legally work to stay here and learn our language; respect our rules and especially our flag.

We have to get a grip here in America or we're going to loose this country to others. It can happen, study history of other countries; perhaps the Romans who lost their morals and values and eventually all of Rome; countries letting others steal their country and beliefs. Remember we are a young country still with growing pains and becoming very undisciplined and loosing our values to the few which eventually can turn into many.

I know now, that in England they are up against the same thing with the Muslim population which was illegally growing when I was there, now it's immense. Once again, legal is ok with me.

But give this some thought. The other day on the British news and even here it was reported that some Muslim patients were upset they couldn't turn to pray. They turn 5 times a day to pray. So now, busy nurses have to consistently go turn the beds of these Muslim patients so they can pray 5 times a day. Should this be their job?? NO. If this is so important, let someone from their religion come and help them everyday, I'm sure the nurses have medical stuff to do anyway.

We and England, have got to get some guts and start taking back control of our countries because if we keep giving things to the minority of people's wants; not making them work..earn it, pretty soon the majority becomes the walked and stomped on minority or maybe like the Romans, just extinct.

JUST FOR TODAY

2007-11-27T22:31:00.000-06:00

Just for today I feel pretty good. I got out and went grocery shopping and even got the Mustang GT I drive washed and swept. To me, that's a good day.

I've been thinking lately of going back to college at what will be by then age 51. I never got to finish college and really have been examining my life lately and want to really work again. Of course my body doesn't want to agree to it. When I have these better than normal days, I think I can conquer the world. Then tomorrow or the next day, my body will remind me that I cannot do the normal things that other people do.

So, just for today, I'm going to think I can start to college and go for a Social Work degree with maybe going on for a Psychology degree later. Today I can see I could make it through the classes and comprehend what the professors would be lecturing on. I could possibly even work on a term paper. Venture a walk around the campus.

I wonder if college students know how lucky they are to just be able to walk a campus? To have clear minds to think through problems or sentences.

The last time I attended college over 20 yrs. ago, I had a 4.0 grade right before I got really ill. I guess I would be disappointed if I couldn't do that again. I also know there's no way that would happen now because of the foggy brain that comes with CFS and Fibro.

So, just for today I'm dreaming of a normal life. Of a normal minute. Of a normal second.
Just for today.

ME STAYING YOUNG

2007-11-18T19:09:00.001-06:00

Yes, it is me at age 16. Geez, look at that waist line. That was a very long time ago. I really miss this thin, athletic body that used to get me through 4 hours of dancing some nights.

Recently I purchased a book titled YOU STAYING YOUNG. If you've watched Oprah, you know this book was co-written by Dr. Mehmet C. Oz, M.D. (Dr. Oz) who is on her show quite frequently. The other writer being Michael F. Roizen, M.D.

I've just started reading through it. The idea is not just your normal take supplements and diet book. Their idea is that you can turn back the clock on your body by doing their suggestions which there is evidence to back it up with.

For someone like me who constantly suffers with severe pain all over and feels like I have the flu every day of my life, I try not to get my hopes up that someone is telling me it's possible to get back to this gorgeous, healthy body I used to have.

I also like that Dr. Oz, who has a satellite radio show, believes that Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome do exist. Dr. Oz has spoken on the radio with Dr. Jacob Teitelbaum, M.D. who is a specialist in these fields and has himself fought Fibromyalgia.

Dr. Teitelbaum states that Fibromyalgia is an "Energy Deficiency". No matter how much you sleep, you wake up feeling extreme exhaustion. You can't replace your energy fast enough to make up for what you need.

I'm looking forward to reading more in my book and seeing if I follow what new ideas these doctors have, then maybe I can rejoin the human race. Perhaps go back to college and finally after waiting 20 yrs. I could graduate.

But I reserve Hope for other things then my health so I won't be disappointed once again because after all, this is Not The Life I Bargained For.

VETERANS DAY

2007-11-11T17:42:00.000-06:00

Veterans Day. I have the flu. Been fighting it for a few weeks now and very tired of it.

I'm an Air Force Veteran myself. The picture you see to your left is my youngest son in his last year of high school in ROTC. I love this picture. It reminds me so much of what others have sacrificed for our freedom.

Freedom to walk to any store we want to, purchasing what we please and being able to say what we please. (Well, within reason and hopefully politeness).

My grandfather (Army) was in World War I, my Father (Navy) and 5 brothers were in World War II and all came back alive, my brother (Army) served in Vietnam and I was in the Air Force. I could go back further because somewhere in every generation of my family, someone served in the military. My youngest son has 2 more years at Arizona State University, then he will decide whether he'll serve in the Air Force or not.

When I was growing up, I never thought of going into the military as a female. But as high school neared the end, I realized it may be the only way I get to see the world. The country I wanted to see most was England. I actually waited until I was 23 to go in the service. I guess I wanted to see where life lead me. Luckily, I was smart enough to join because eventually it did lead me to England.

I only got to serve 6 yrs. before Chronic Fatigue Syndrome struck me down health wise. I went out with a honorable discharge. Today, at age 50, I wish I had a medical discharge. I'm still mad I didn't get to go 20 yrs. and then have a retirement. Very glad I get some health care because I've surely needed it. But boy could I use a retirement check!! Another way this illness has changed my course in life. I won't have a retirement now because I've been too sick to continually work for over 21 yrs. now. I will always miss the Air Force.

The Air Force taught me teamwork, leadership and mostly taught me what freedom truly is. How rare it is in other countries. How easy life is here compared to other countries. How beautiful different parts of the world are and how maybe it would be better if everyone could serve just 2 yrs. in the military to teach them tolerance and pride.

Not everyone has a great time in the military, but what I always tell people who are joining up is that it is what you make of it. I tell girls not to let themselves get alone in a bad position and that they need to be strong and make sure they keep themselves safe. Females should be taught this anytime they are going out into the world. Not all men respect you just because you're American or just a woman.

Everyone is important in the big wheel of the military. Each of our jobs matter to the person it's done for and for the people who even complain about the military because after all, they wouldn't have the right to complain if they weren't FREE.

To all veterans; Happy Veterans Day and Thank You for your heart to help our nation stay FREE.

LAZY

2007-11-08T20:26:00.000-06:00

Yes, she said the word everyone with Fibromyalgia dreads. "I have a friend who has Fibromyalgia and she's just LAZY".

It took all my will power not to pound some sense into this woman.

I was at a craft show and there was a booth there for one of the women's workout franchises. She decided I had never tried lowfat food and even said as much to me. So she let me try her lowfat brownies. They were paper thin. Not good, I've had better Low fat brownies.

She mentioned giving away a free year of working out with a personal trainer sometimes. Sometimes?? What does that mean. At their convience?? I proceeded to mention I worked with a personal trainer who knows about Fibromyalgia so I wouldn't over do it. She said, "oh, we do that too". I wondered since when do the franchises teach you personally to work with women who have chronic illnesses?

This is when she proceeded to tell me about her friend with Fibromyalgia and how "lazy" she was. She went into detail of how she never does much and maybe if she'd just "try harder" she could workout and accomplish her goals.

I then finally had to say, "Listen, your friend is not lazy, she's sick and she probably knows that if she worked out like you want her to, she would then pay for it by getting even more ill and being more exhausted and in more pain because after hearing what you have to say, I can tell you know nothing about Fibromyalgia".

Yes, I can be blunt sometimes, but I couldn't let another healthy person come down on someone who would do what it takes to be healthy if she could.

Fibro is worse for some and others can workout. Everyone is different, but most know what they can endure.

Christine Miserandino's website, http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/the_spoon_theory/, tells a wonderful story of spoons to a friend of hers that asks her what is it like to have Lupus. Although Fibromyalgia is different from the Lupus she deals with, we all have energy issues. Most of us learn our levels we can go to and sometimes it knocks us down anyway.

If you have a friend or family member with a chronic illness and are tired of how "lazy" you think they are, know this, they would rather be up and jumping then to suffer the illness that takes away the life they imagined for themselves. Read Christine's Spoon Theory, it is something to think through. If you have an Illness, this is the perfect story to print off and give to others so maybe they can understand.

Laziness is not taking the time to learn of an illness when you work in a gym franchise and are supposed to be looking after people's health. I certainly won't be attending there anytime soon.

MINUTES VS. HOURS

2007-11-07T20:22:00.000-06:00

Typical day for me going to another doctor's appointment at the Veterans Hospital. I'm an Air Force Veteran and with my illnesses unfortunately my immune system isn't that strong.

So today I arrived 10 minutes ahead of my appointment. First you have to stand in a line to check in, but I got right in. Then you take a paper to your team nurse and she puts information into the computer while you sit in the waiting area. Then you wait.

So after waiting almost 1 hour after my appointment time (not uncommon), I walk up to the nurse and say, "I had a 9:20 appointment and I was wondering when I might be seeing the doctor"? She whirls on me and says, "You were late". I said, "no, I was not late". The nurse then says, "yes, you got here at 9:20". I replied with a little more assertiveness, "and my appointment is at 9:20"!! She said, "you're next" and then just walked off. It was another 30 minutes.

If you've never been sitting in a VA Hospital, then you may think what's the deal? But do you know how many times I have sat over 3 hours past my appointments when the doctors were late, even though I showed up early? Too many to say.

You see she was the nurse that let my paper sit for the 10 minutes that I was there early before entering the info into the computer. Not my fault. But because she was having a bad day, she was going to take it out on me.

If I had argued more ferverantly with the nurse, she could have reported me as a "combative" patient. Then I would have problems getting care. Simply I was a woman with an infection in her throat, not someone who needed to be the ball for someone's bat. Veterans get treated like this all the time usually from people hired there who have never been a veteran. No respect and not professional.

Anyone else notice where professionalism went to? It's not in hospitals, restraurants, stores, telephones and many other places.

I think it's been stolen and taken to outer space where maybe...and I mean maybe Dr. Who can save it and return it to Earth.

Please Dr. Who, bring professionalism back and while you're at it, there's this nurse that may need a ride back to Mars with you.