Life revisited...!!

You are not any other Big Star!

2023-03-09T17:43:00.007+00:00

You came into my life in such expected circumstances.I think love finds you and not the other way around. It feels like we can touch stars with our feet while we are still on ground.

Problems are feeling lighter, and moon feels more brighter.

You are that nest on the tree, that’s home to birds. Looking at you smile makes me want that smile to forever stay.There is so much purity in every word you say that the shield around me has started to melt . I caught myself always singing a happy song and smiling often. It feels like there is nothing that can’t be healed.

I don’t really know what this means but just do me a favour, stay by me ,stay what you are , you are not any other big star on the sky but the moon himself !

Yet Again!

2023-02-28T15:33:00.014+00:00

I’m not an open book—yet perhaps a good listener. Maybe that’s why people find solace in me, why they confide in me, she thought.

While clearing the attic, she found “the book.” She knew exactly what lay within. With a careful hand, she opened it, revealing a dried rose pressed between the pages. In an instant, she slipped into another time, another world.

“It’s hard to be kind in this unfair, deceitful, and selfish world,” she whispered to herself. After having her heart broken and her soul scorched so many times, she realized it might be time to grow cold, practical, and emotionless. Yet, the purity in her heart could not be extinguished. There is always beauty in caring, in helping another, in making someone smile, or simply being there for them.

“My God knows what I’ve done, my God knows what I do,” she mused. Can I unchain myself, shed this heavy baggage, and return to my purest self? Can I emerge from the darkness and let my soul glimmer with hope once more?

Can I shower the world with my inherent warmth? I long for my soul to take over this scarred body. Can I hear my heart whisper that it’s alive again?

I’m unsure if I’m ready to emotionally invest, to be vulnerable, for fear that it will break me... yet again.

My Soul Recognises You

2023-02-27T15:31:00.001+00:00

This time Manan was very emotional and serious “I know you won’t believe me Neeti, but there was an immediate positive connection I felt with you ! I have been able to share my feelings and vulnerabilities with you which I would never do with anyone else . My soul recognises you and I instinctively know that you are someone I have loved and trusted in the past.

Neeti was perplexed . She didn’t know what to say. Manan continued …

“From the day you've come into my life, I feel like dedicating my whole life to you. In such a short time ,you have taught me how to live and to love . You have beautified my whole life just with your aura. Just like how earth meets the sky, you complete me to eternity. You have taught me to love and live my life yet again !

I have never felt this way before.I would have never experienced this if not for you. And now you are making it impossible for me to live without you.

For the way the events are unfolding , you would also have teach me to live without you”. Manan couldn’t stop a tear rolling down his cheeks.

He wanted to continue but just then his 5AM alarm went on.

Manan woke up with a big smile on his face. It was so beautiful and real he thought to himself !

If only...

2014-08-16T14:16:00.001+01:00

"15 missed calls!!" I screamed. My heart raced when I saw all the calls I missed were from her.“She was getting back to normal”, I said to myself.

I was even more worried when she didn't answer my calls. After a min my phone rang and it was her. “Hello”, she said. “Thank god”, I said to myself. “How are you?” I asked. “You know why I called you, I am not fine!” she said. “This is not her usual tone” I thought.

“Do I ask people to like me; do I ask them to be friendly to me or ask them to be a part of my life? I know I don’t. Then why do they want to be a part of my life and the very next second pretend as though I mean nothing at all to them. I mean what kind of people are they? Why can’t they understand that I am not like others and it’s not easy for me to take it each time someone does that to me” she said.

“I don’t really talk about myself be it pain or happiness nor anger. So what?? My life is not an open book and I don’t want it to be one of those kinds. Whenever it comes to them I am all ears both to their problems and happiness” she paused.

“If only they respected my space. If only they accepted and respected me for the way I am. If only, they knew that I too can have insecurities to face, love to contend, goals to attain and battles to fight, if only...” and she hung up.

A stroll down the memory lane!

2013-12-22T15:45:00.000+00:00

Perhaps I just don’t give enough time to myself but I am happy! I said to myself. I have this weird way of forgetting things just because I don’t want to remember them. Does that mean I am running away?

It’s Christmas and had been to a mall and I see everyone clicking pictures with the Snowman, the Santa, and the Christmas tree along with their friends. I stood there for a minute and I realized, I was alone, but I said to myself yet again, I am happy!

I just happened to drive through that way and it took a stroll down the memory lane, recalling the good old happy days. God! I was happy I said to myself. Did I just say I was? That freaked me out.

I came back home and I stumbled on the photographs, it kind of made me laugh and it took me way back, back down the memory lane. I saw happiness and pain. I was happy I thought... I am so gone astray. Where am I now? Sometimes I choose to not look back because that would make me realize that I am lost. I am now all by my own and would be lost at the pace at which life is taking me. It’s tearing me apart. I get scared at times, is this all?

I am petrified and I don’t want to look back down the memory lane... Coz I thought I was happy then. Yes, I was!

90 Days of HOPE!

2013-09-10T23:23:00.000+01:00

Day 85

“I will call you later” Hope said. It was his birthday and she had called him in the midnight to wish on his birthday. But ofcoz it was his birthday and it seemed like many of his friend’s call was on wait. So she said, I think you should take their calls, we can talk tomorrow. He said, “No I will call you later”, for which she said” you have fun, we can talk some other time, but he insisted, “ No, I want to talk to you and will call you later” , but seems like “the later” never came till date. She tried doing her bit to make his birthday special but all she got was a rude response and zero appreciation. She was perplexed. She was totally clueless for why hope was acting like a chameleon. It was indeed the last time they ever spoke.

Day 1

She went online after a real long time, and that marked the first day. Somehow, there was a conversation happening between them( they were schoolmates). They soon exchanged nos. and went up a level from Facebook chat to whatsapp chat. Hope then even called her and they had a decent conversation over the phone that night.

Day 2- day 20

They continued to whatsapp every single day. Their days usually did not begin without greeting each other for the day and it only ended after they wished goodnight. This continued for quite sometime.

Day 20- day 60

There was no single day when they didn’t talk to each other at least once in a day. It could be when he was back from work, or may be when he was stuck in the traffic or when his friends were partying outside. They somehow had so much to talk. With days, they emerged to be great friends. Both of them believed that “it’s nice to remain single” and steered clear off from the relationship thingy. However, both felt good talking each other, wherein most of the times he was cribbing about his work, sometimes about the stupid traffic, and sometimes about the delicious food I used to savor at home. It seemed to be a ritual for her to pull his legs only to see him give up with a flat answer saying "you win"! She so enjoyed doing that.

At present

It definitely took her to those days because the smile said it all. Her smile faded in no time, coz she didn’t want to be reminded of that. For, now she decided that she would never get close to anyone. The faith which she had eventually developed for friendship had now started to fade.

Day 61- 84

Things weren’t the same anymore. Reduced were the calls and the messages. Looked like they had decided to stay away from each for very own reasons. Good for both she thought.

Day 86

She waited almost till the end of his bday but didn’t get to hear from him. She knew there was something that’s not going right. That’s why she tried calling him the next day just to find out if everything was ok. But he never answered; she even left him a message for which she never got any reply.

Day 87- 89

Only she knew how restless she was during these two days. She asked herself” I didn’t have any high expectations! did i??” because all she wanted was his reply. She only wanted to know what made him to just call it quits. She hated herself for that.

Day 90

She typed a last message to him on FB thinking hundred times before she could send it and then finally she sends it for one last time and swore to herself that she would never text him or call him again. She silently hoped that their paths would never cross. She was hurt this time, awfully hurt not because he went away but because he went away JUST LIKE THAT. After a long time she tried to trust someone only to end up allowing him to hurt her. She realized she had it enough, it was time. It was now time to close the 90 day chapter with HOPE!

At Present

There she is today, back to her cold self.

Our responsibilities to our parents cannot be fulfilled by any old age homes!

2013-08-24T19:18:00.002+01:00

“I just want to die peacefully” she said with her trembling voice. I quickly tried to cheer her up, like the way I always do, but she only repeated “I just want to die peacefully…!

I now intuited that there was something really disturbing her. I looked at her wrinkled face, and her eyes were moist. I slowly held her hands and asked what was wrong. She said “he abused me and is asking me to get out of here...” I soon realized that it’s the act of the bloody convener. This was not the first time that he has abused her and asked her to get out of that place. For heaven’s sake, he doesn't own that place! As you are reading this, the first thought that must have come to your mind was that a man is trying to send a lady out of his house. You are right to some extent, but he is not trying to kick her out of his house but out of an old aged home. This is the real story of an 88 year old aged granny and that man is only a bloody secretary of that place. Neither did he build that old age home, nor does he own that place.

In the modern world, old age homes have emerged as an unavoidable necessity. We Indians, who boast about our respect for elders, now consider these old aged homes as a boon in disguise. Most of the professionals have discovered old age homes as a practical solution to their biggest problem, i.e. the problem of taking care of their parents! Most of them forget the numerous sacrifices made by their parents to realize their dreams. The irony is that the grown up children consider their parents as a big burden. This is a sad and a very shameful trend. Elderly parents have to listen to all the abuse from their children at home, but what about someone does not have any children to look after. . They take these old age homes as their asylums only to go through the elder abuse from a local convener of the ashram??!!

The solace the parents get from their children cannot be provided by the luxurious facilities in old age homes. Old age homes are a lame excuse to the atrocities done by the children to their aged parents. The old age homes are not the way they present their rosy picture in front of us. It’s now not only a mere money making business but also a place where exploitation and elder abuse is jsomething which the elderly people of the old age homes needs to go through almost every single day!. Loads and loads of money is usually given as a donation to these old age homes (Sometimes just to try to make up their flaws) and where does all the money go... Simply into the pockets of the cold secretary who claims to be a gem of a person! (Bullshhiiittt!!)

On one of my visit to this particular old age home, I was taken aback when i saw an old age home inmate, who should be in his early seventy’s washing the car of that rogue secretary.. He abuses the old people there because they voiced their opinion regarding the stale food they provided there!( mind you, they do not stay there for free, rather they pay 5.5K every month, where a small glass of milk is charged fifteen rupees whereas the entire packet of milk comes for 14.50 rupees!!) and to add to this, there is no receipt provided! The list doesn't end here. They are either forced to vacate the place forever and get on the roads or are forced to shift to the 2nd floor all by themselves just because he wants to mint more money by getting new inmates to the floor below for a higher monthly fee. He expects the 76, 88, 74, 82 year old grannies to climb up the stairs and get down the stairs for four times a day and when they request him to send their food to the second floor, all he says is "if you want food then have to you come to the floor below otherwise you are free to die for the good!"

I was shaken on hearing this! May be because I had this naive expectation that humanity still exists. I got shocked by the violation. I mean where is our culture heading to? Why are we forgetting that our responsibilities to our parents cannot be fulfilled by any old age homes!

I wouldn’t want to see myself in situations that will feel like déjà vu.

2013-08-14T18:19:00.002+01:00

It seems inevitable that each one of us will at some time in our lives, be touched by the painful experience of a shattered dream. Some people may hold on to a fading dream with tenacious passion, until one day that dream lies broken in jagged pieces at our feet..... Similar is the situation with me, yet again. Gone now is my dream, with only the memory of what could have been.

Tragedy touches everyone. Shattered dreams are real and they can leave a person devastated and broken. But one fine day, I happened to come across this quote “at the end of the day we must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope”. And that was it. I started hoping again and took all the courage to dream only to feel dejected yet again.

Often attempts are made to understand why things don’t work out the way we wanted them to only to end up blaming God for leading us to despair all the time.

But I’ve had enough of these sessions. I now see that my plans have very little to do with anything other than needing to have greater certainty. Uncertainty is the key to dismay, be it uncertainly within you or with people around you. So here is the convoluted mess I have gotten myself in; I make plans that result in a success that will validate my insecurities, but when the plan doesn’t come to fruition or I find that I don’t feel any more validated, all I do is try to understand why God has allowed my noble plans to fail. And rather than seeing it as an opportunity (of getting something better), I layer it with some form of other certainty that will provide immediate relief, but all that I am really doing is working against my real goal.

So rather than wasting my time and energy in understanding my shattered dream, I am now trying to learn from them in the hope that I will someday develop the courage to simply BE ME(whatever that means).

With that I mean that unlike the other times, I will definitely mourn over the shattered dream. From my recent experience I have learnt that sometimes we really have to mourn over a loss. So when a dream dies, it takes with it all the time, energy, and emotion we invested into it over weeks, months and years. I have decided to take my own time and allow the crushed emotions to heal so that I can retaliate well.

Another major mistake I’ve been committing is by getting over the shattered dream sooner than usual and thus rushing to the next. At times, we may tend to feel that we need to move on quickly, sooner, the better would it be. But amidst this quick transition, we fail to give time to look back and think about what made it go wrong the last time. Now that I’ve mourned over a shattered dream and also given myself enough time, I will now embrace a new dream because I do not want to suppress my vision for my life.

I dont’t want to see myself in situations that will feel like déjà vu.

I have found relative peace in the darkness

2013-08-11T19:01:00.002+01:00

Dear You,
Wish we could just be friends without allowing the feelings to creep in between us... I was so sure of not letting it happen to me..

I started dreaming again..from the moment I began developing feelings for you, I knew things were not going to be easy to deal with. I always told to myself that we are just friends, but I had already started seeing you in a different light but chose to keep that little secret within me...because I know I shouldn’t feel the way I do about you.. It's crazy to even think about it.

I was devastated that I ever said that to you.. I am shattered for the fact that I let out that little secret of mine when we both knew that would ruin everything between us.. I was blinded by my emotions and somehow spoke my heart. I can't help but wonder what is actually going through your heart.

I failed to understand how complicated the whole situation was for you, and now I feel terribly embarrassed by my actions. I don’t see any conversation happening between us. But i crave for those calls and messages. I may appear strong but mind you I am only holding myself back.. But then again to be honest, it’s getting difficult.. It is getting very difficult to cycle through all these emotions. It’s hard and it hurts. But I can get through this.. for feelings are all just temporary.

Amidst the darkness..you somehow lit up my life but the truth is even that was temporary. However I now know it's a lost cause and I have found relative peace in the darkness..!

Yours,
Anonymous

From a Nobody to Somebody!

2013-07-01T18:18:00.001+01:00

The clock struck two, and the tension in the room was palpable. Our hearts raced, and some of us quietly prayed for a favorable outcome. I saw a few clasp their hands in silent pleas—“anyone but him,” they muttered under their breath. Even I closed my eyes, hoping for the same.

In under a minute, the door to our classroom swung open, and the panel of professors began filing in. The first professor entered, and we exhaled in relief—safe. The second entered, and we muttered grateful thanks. The third professor arrived, and a collective sigh of relief spread across the room. But then came the fifth and final professor, and the atmosphere shifted instantly. It was him: “GP,” the “virus” of our college, known for being relentlessly strict. A wave of dread washed over us. We knew we were in trouble.

The occasion? Our technical seminar—the start of a series of presentations that had turned into a nightmare for us and a source of amusement for our professors. I was the third presenter on the schedule, waiting nervously for my turn. The first presenter was thoroughly grilled; the second was bombarded with relentless questions. Then, GP called my name, a signal that I was next on the chopping block. His tone made it clear: “Be prepared.”

I made my way to the podium, which felt more like a battlefield than a platform. The countdown began. I started my presentation, trying to steady myself. To my surprise, it went smoothly. The room was attentive, and I had all eyes on me, including the professors. I braced for GP’s inevitable interruption, anticipating his barrage of questions. But it never came.

Thirty minutes passed, and I reached my final slide—“Questions.” Silence filled the room. I looked nervously at the professors, but none of them spoke. Concern crept in. What had I done wrong? Then I saw something unexpected: smiles. All five professors were smiling.

Breaking the silence, GP gave me a smile—a rare, genuine one—and said something I never imagined hearing: “Hats off to you, Namratha.” I was in shock. Did he really just say that? It was surreal. I looked to the other professors, and they simply nodded in agreement.

GP’s words are engraved in my memory. Receiving praise from someone you least expect it from is a feeling like no other. For me, it was a turning point—a much-needed boost to my confidence. Those words marked the moment I transformed from someone uncertain into someone self-assured.

Though GP is no longer with us, his impact on my life remains. I never got the chance to thank him, but I carry the memory of that day with deep gratitude.

She is the one who loves you the most- Love her back!

2013-06-02T19:36:00.000+01:00

One saying which I strongly believe is that “God could not be everywhere, and therefore he made mothers.” .. The mother’s touch.. Nothing can replace a mother’s touch. The touch of a gentle hand that is placed on our foreheads when we are down with fever, Vicks swiped across our tiny nose when we have cold, the anxiety they have until we return back home from a late night party or a hand that reaches out to us when we cross the street.. When things are not going right in her child’s life, nobody else will bother but the mother will always be worried. She will have a fear of unknown which we misinterpret as possessiveness. We all have noticed this.. We all know that our mother does this for us, but most of the times we bury these thoughts in the back of our minds and as we grow up we tend to replace these with the new ones without even looking back and appreciating all that our mother has done for us.

I looked into a mother’s eyes and I could see her remembering all the good times she once had with her beloved daughter. She tries to look forward but her mind goes back.. she wants to know where she went wrong.. She wanted a way to fix this… she wanted to fix this broken glass and she tries hard.. she tries hard to protect it from shattering because for her all that matters to her is her daughter alone for she is her love, the love of her life, she is her family.. the very reason for her existence but all she gets is being blamed all the time..

No matter what our mom say or do, we feel that she can never seem to do right. What is most hurtful is that we start blaming her for everything wrong in our life since we are unable or unwilling to take the responsibility for our actions or consequences. We children often do it to our mom’s. It happens to mom’s all over the world. We fail to understand the battles that she is been battling and we tend to make such harsh accusations on her causing her tremendous amount of pain. We expect them to be perfect when we are nowhere near to it.

Mom’s never proclaim themselves as the best mom’s because they feel that they have failed everytime we cry.. they never want us to cry and whenever we did, their eyes too would be moist and still she tries to be strong just for us. That’s the love she has for us and she only hopes that we too feel that love for her, we too will adore her completely, we too shall love her at last…

We children are no less than knives because we may not really mean to cut, but eventually all we do is CUT.. but our mother still cling on to us. That is the love of a mother. We definitely cannot give her all that she has given us, but we can atleast love her in return…Not all mothers are the same. Some are the kissing mothers and others are the scolding mothers but the love that they shower on us is just the same. The unconditional love..! She is the one who loves you the most- Love her back!
Love and respect your mom when she is there... because once she is gone, you are over...

Unsurpassed actual night adventure!

2013-05-24T16:14:00.003+01:00

It was my study holidays and it was about 2 in the midnight and I was still up, busy preparing for my engineering semester exams. I was just about to wrap up and catch up with some sleep when I suddenly hear my pet Julie barking like never before. I quickly sensed that there was something wrong. In a matter of few seconds I heard some weird sounds.. n number of thoughts came to my mind. I was wondering what that sound could possibly be and soon did I realize that there was something seriously wrong .. i knew there was someone there.. and Julie’s bark confirmed it for me.

Without wasting any time I quickly put on the lights of the garden and opened the window just to find out what was actually wrong. My parents too who were way too asleep were woken up to the sounds of Julie’s bark. My dad too quickly realized that there was something really wrong and he quietly opened the door only to find out that there were two thieves in the opposite compound.

In no time, my dad stepped outside the house and the thieves nippily grasped that their game was up and ran for their lives. My dad went chasing them and my mom was a little paranoid with whatever was happening. I too then took my two wheeler and went chasing those rogues at 2 in the midnight and went looking for them almost to cover about half a mile.. But those crooks somehow managed to get through a deserted road and then escaped into the wild. After a tough chase, I and my dad then returned home only to find out that we had saved our neighbors from the theft but unfortunately had to let go off our brass pipe. I've always loved adventures and always loved the CID officer within me but this was the first encounter I've had with the real thieves. It was one of the unsurpassed actual night adventures I've ever had.

We Tend to Accept What We Think We Deserve!

2013-05-15T21:31:00.000+01:00

Trrrrriiiiiingggg…. “Hello” , I said picking up the call from this unknown number. There was a lot of noise in there, and I was quite very sure the person at the other end could barely hear me speak. I screamed out my throat and said “helllloooo”, and I heard a bare shaky voice, hardly able to utter a word.. I was numb for a while and I thought I should just give some time to her..

I couldn’t really understand what was wrong, amidst this silent conversation, I now knew that there was something wrong. After about a min the voice continued, still shivering she said “ all the painful things what he did to me, I thought I will surely do to someone else, just because I can enjoy the feelings he had after putting me into that shit, but who knew that I would fall into this whole shit again”. I was startled, and before I could utter a word the voice continued.. now a little sturdy than before.. “Everything was shattered and I didn’t want to collect those broken pieces of my heart. I thought I was getting over him .. but it was more like my perception and not the hard core reality. I just had tamed my heart and mind in that way”.. and the voice paused.. I did nothing but acknowledged with a hmmmm..

There was silence like never before, and in a matter of few seconds, the silence was broken with all the weeping and wailing.. she started to read out a letter which she found in her closet.

“My love,

We surely did go through a lot in our years of togetherness. The courting stage and spending every moment together. I driving all the way till your house just to spend five mins or just to get a glimpse of you.. and to exchange smiles.. Every time I pass through that street, I cant tell you the extent to which I miss you. How you used to make me wait there for hours and then finally you arrive, giving some vague reasons and no matter how angry I would be, that made me smile. Damn, you knew every trick to bring a smile on my face!

But the fights we had were the worst. I loved you so much. Seeing you angry at me, for every single thing, hurt me real bad. I was being shattered every single day. I’m angry at myself for failing to change because I still wait to feel you in my arms again. Through all the bad things we faced, we certainly did have some wonderful times though. We made the best of every moment.

When we broke up, I said it was because I saw what we were doing to each other. The pain I was causing you and pain you were giving me, I wanted it all to stop, because I loved you enough to do that. I can see now that I love you enough to do anything to stop that pain. Instead of letting me go I wish you could have stopped doing things that hurt me and we could be together. I was looking for peace and serenity and when i realized it was no more there, I feared that you wouldn’t love me.

Well, it had to be about me someday.. you have torn my life apart..it was loving you and feeling betrayed, feeling like I poured my heart out for you, begging you to be there, but you never cared. Ive now learnt to live, half-alive, so i don’t want you to come back for me.. Don’t come back at all.. I know we can never be together.. but this is killing me. God, I miss you so much, even if it means we can never be together.

-Love, as always,

Your Love”

And she burst into tears. I could hear her sobbing and I was absolutely clueless on what I could do.. wish i could just give her a tight hug.. I could feel the pain she was going through and I wept along with her. She paused for a while. There was silence again.

She asked me “why nice people choose to love the wrong people?”, why do i choose to love people who treat me like nothing.. and I said “Because we tend to accept love, we think we deserve!.. most of the times, forgetting we deserve a lot better” .

This was the first sentence I spoke in the whole 30 min call. The very instant at which I completed my sentence, the voice at the other end said “hello”.., this time it was more like a confused one. . Only then did she realize that all this while she opened the pages of her life to a complete stranger. It was then she realized that it was a wrong number! and before i could say something,, she hung up..!

To stand-out or to Blend-in and I chose the latter!

2013-05-08T18:12:00.000+01:00

There you go I said, locking my flat 502 for the very last time and thus officially bidding bye to Manipal after two short years.. (yes, I mean two very short years). My mind was pre-occupied.. it was elsewhere.. it took me back to day one of the Manipal episode..

It was the month of August and I was already a month and a half late to college. It was the first day of my life at Manipal, the first day of my class and I had this feeling of how my classmates would react on my entry. (infact, I was a little paranoid on how MANIPAL would be, whether I had to stand out or to blend in..) It was just about eight thirty and I walk into the class just to attract a few surprised looks. I chose to sit in the third row corner seat and every time a guy or gal walks into the class they pause n and were giving me weird confused looks (more like the “whose thaaaat gal kinda looks”) , with weird people around me, I somehow I wanted to laugh at the situation, but by then Sir walks into the class. The first hour was Quants and it was more like the fast and furious class. In no time the first hour got over and then the second hour begins.. The actual beginning… the sense of liberation.

It was the second hour of the day and we have these groups and fortunately or unfortunately I ended up being in a all guys group… “The group 6”, with six guys and I being the only girl of the group. I was introduced to each of them. The guys felt that my entry would ruin their freedom and b-talk fun. But things were soon different and I was welcomed with open arms ( a lil bit of exaggeration here).. But yes, seriously things actually started happening...yes, the blending in, not only with the group but with the whole of Manipal. Be it the dreaded arguments with The Varun Jiii( G), or the fun of watching Roshan wake up between assignments.. :P .. (my stomach still aches when I think of that NP’s assignment in 502) or sitting hours together at IC and doing nothing at all!

Being Human to Being Animal to “Being Teacher”

I never thought that I would do something like that after thirteen long years. Yes, I danced! I performed on the stage along with my crazy friends for our annuals and to add to it, I was the dance teacher for my crazy naughty students. Of course the songs chosen were taporish! (Tilak, Chithresh, Abhi, Aadi, Shreyas, Shashank, Sankesh, Sachin, Manish, Rahul, Praju..) My god… these guys actually made me realize the level of patience I have.. I am proud of myself ..:P).. The unlimited fun we had during those days shall be cherished throughout.

It was then high time that we start studying.. it was now the time for real learning. Yes, it was exam time and I again continued my journey as a teacher..teaching the brilliant lot! ( :P.. let me admit.. I am actually being sarcastic!) God! It was not an easy task and I always prayed to god to gimme all strength and courage to face my students..who always had weirdest doubts making me dumbstruck!) but it was amazing.. the cooking in between the study, the tea breaks, Rathnamma’s dinner, and not to forget, trespassing into my own apartment.. (a weird case wherein the teacher had to literally jump off the compound wall and enter into her own apartment! )..

There's a first time for everything

First ever compering, winning cricket match, receiving medals on the victory stand, the beach volleyball, gazing at the stars in the midnight sitting by the sea, the marijuana and the holi, the crazy wacky night outs, playing for the university, etc…etc.. I owe it all to Manipal..

My college undoubtedly presented me with a lot of good memories and off course a few bad ones. I’m just glad that my good memories heavily outweigh the bad ones. Those countless “unofficial” tours, the post-exam celebrations, the movies, watching people wait in long queues at the aunty shop to take photocopies.. ( most of the times I was only a spectator coz I never believed in wasting money on photocopying and ofcourse the go green philosophy..!), allowing my assignments to be royally raped ( and for all the effort I make to sit and write those assignments, I used to score just one mark! ), those "Ganga" birthday parties..( I think I have missed out two letters.. :P), those n number of sleepovers, bunking classes, striving so hard to meet the 75% attendance mark, the endless nights and then the eight o clock class, the early mornings by the beach, the heated debates on each and every small thing…..the cats and dogs fight with otrashi.. the cards, the destination X trips.. the house parties , screaming out my throat while standing on the car top... and the list just goes on and on. Not to forget, Radhanand, Madhumalathi.. I am gonna miss you like crazy.. ( to add on to it, Lakewoods ( more like our rehearsal hall, and premier heights- all the four being our Manipal Basera!)

With so many emotions and memories I handed over the keys to the owner thereby closing the Manipal episode.

“Coincidences mean you're on the right path.”

2013-04-22T19:39:00.001+01:00

“I wouldn’t say he is out of the world but he is definitely unique” Nirmiti said trying to describe this guy called Parth. It was a Saturday and It was really long that Nirmiti met her best friend Saee and they were discussing a lot of things (of course to make up for the lost time).

Then Nirmiti said she had to tell something to her. Saee quickly figured out there was something interesting ahead and she was all ears to Nirmiti. “I wouldn’t say I like him, but he is a nice and a different guy. I think we definitely have a good chemistry to share” Nirmiti said. This is getting interesting; Saee said and placed her interest to see him. But Nirmiti continued saying that this guy doesn’t have a fb account and hence I still continue to stand by my words.. Saee was taken aback and wanted to see him at any cost. She knew very well that Nirmiti was extremely choosy and if she found a guy interesting then either he is weird or he is really crazy. But though Nirmiti had met this guy a couple of times, she didn’t have anything else apart from his number.

The next day was a lazy Sunday and Nirmiti was in a freaky mood to have some fun. She had this weird idea of watching a creepy movie and after a lot of hue and cry, Saee finally agreed to go along with her for the movie. It was an afternoon show, and they both finally reached the theatre. They were walking towards the ticket counter and look.. Whom does she see there!! Yes, it was Parth. Nirmiti was dumbstruck and Saee had no clue for what was happening.

Nirmiti quickly came back to her senses and walked towards the ticket counter where Parth was equally stunned. He said he was there with his mum and he added that they could sit together. But Nirmiti quietly denied and Parth walked away with his tickets. She then asked for two tickets and by the time she could book, Parth walked in again and said the guy at the ticket counter to book four tickets in a row. Both Nirmiti and Saee were now dazed and Saee was pinching and poking Nirmiti and simultaneously asking what the hell was happening.

Nirmiti now formally introduced Parth to Saee so that at least she could realize what was actually happening. But Saee’s brain had taken a toll and probably it was in no mood of getting back to work, and thus left Saee clueless. By then, all the four, i.e. Nirmiti, Saee, Parth and his Mother had to walk towards the entrance and Saee pulled Nirmiti aside and asked what the f**k was happening. Nirmiti then said, why do you need a photo when you get to see him here, he is PARTH! It was then that she realized that the guy whom she so badly wanted to see, was now right in front of her.

Parth, as Nirmiti had rightly described about him to Saee, was a real easy going guy and in no time, Saee came out of her awkwardness and was now comfortable. It was close to two hours in the movie hall and the movie was almost to end. Though it was like a chewing gum, the best friends had a good time at the cinema hall mimicking and mocking at the actors.( though, they had to control to a certain extent since Parth’s mom was next to them) The movie ended and they walked out of the cinema hall. Parth asked Nirmiti if they had any plans. Nirmiti and Saee definitely had their own plans of shopping and then going out somewhere and making it “the girl’s day out”! Nirmiti said no big plans as such Parth, just a little bit of shopping and probably go somewhere. But Parth had some other plans for the three of them and said, alright, I shall join you girls for the shopping and then probably we could go out somewhere.

Nirmiti and Saee exchanged looks and both knew that they so badly wanted the girls day out. So they said some other time and started walking towards the vehicle and Parth again called them and said, leave your vehicle here and let’s go out.

Now come on, this was heights, not only did Saee get to see Parth but happened to end up having dinner with him. For Saee it was a co-incidence in real sense.

“The probability of a certain set of circumstances coming together in a meaningful (or tragic) way is so low that it simply cannot be considered mere coincidence. ” It was no different in case of Saee, Nirmiti and Parth. It was a mix of circumstances coming together (Saee’s eagerness to see Parth’s pic, planning for weird movie on a lazy Sunday, Parth landing up there and then a dinner together and the best part was that it was all unplanned!). Sometimes “Coincidences mean you're on the right path.”

Do you define a true sportsperson just by mere scores?!

2013-03-31T07:02:00.001+01:00

“Participation is more important than winning..!” this quote is the one which I have heard a million times during my schooling, and I am sure almost each one of us has heard this n number of times in our life.

Being in sports throughout my life, I have learnt that nobody should be obligated to win. But one should definitely be obliged to keep trying. But now, you are obliged to win otherwise you are no-where. Sad but true, you are not remembered to have participated but remembered only if you are a winner. But it’s often forgotten that there are times when even Tendulkar got out on a duck.

Winning is what matters to everyone otherwise why would they only retain the score but not your game?! I am hurt and devastated because I always believed that the important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle, the essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well. The important thing in sports is not so much winning as taking part. The important thing in life is not victory but the battle. Of course, to have conquered feels great but the essential thing is not to have conquered but to have been a good loser. By participating in various games and sports, we learn something from it. I have learnt that and I have experienced it.

Participating in a sport in which you are not good, but participated for the fact that the team needs you, is the sign of a true sportsperson. I have experienced it. Taking all pain to form a team just because you want to represent your team is the sign of a true sportsperson. I have experienced it. Sometimes, I didn’t emerge out as a winner. But I participated and was recognized. My game was recognized. I have experienced it. Taking part in an event just because the event would get cancelled otherwise, is the trait of a true sportsperson. And I have experienced it. Participating gives one self-esteem and I have experienced it. No two people can come first, so even by coming in last, remember you finished your goal regardless, as long as you finished so, coming in last. So one has to be proud. I am proud because for me it’s an accomplishment though others can’t see it; I can always feel the joy of triumph because I can’t let one bad moment spoil a bunch of good ones.

Playing a game is never really playing an opponent. You are playing yourself, your own highest standards, and when you reach your limits, that is real joy and I have got that joy. I have always tried to be true to myself and pick those battles I felt were challenging. It’s an experience and learning and I have experienced and learnt from it.

I'm thrilled, I'm grateful, I'm blessed. I played all the sports I have dreamt of. My ultimate responsibility is to myself and I have achieved for myself. There are two options ahead of you. Quitting and daring. Quitting is easy, but daring is hard. I have dared. Dared to loose, dared to triumph, dared to succeed. I do not go with mere scores.. but I am a winner.. a winner in my own way.!

True sportsperson never quit and i am a sportsperson. Once a sportsperson, always a sportsperson.. Cheers to every true sportsperson and to the never dying true sportsman spirit.!

Escape in Issshhtyle.. !

2013-03-10T17:25:00.003+00:00

It was one of those crazy days when I and Su.., used to go on rides almost every single day.

It was about 8 in the evening and we were heading back home from rigorous jogging. (Yep, those were the days when we were tremendously health conscious and were easily ten kgs lighter.)

Yea, coming back to the return journey, it was a one way road and I see a few vehicles stopped in the front. I indicated that to Su, who as usual was in her own world. She too realized that something was abnormal and by the time we both could make sense of what was actually happening, we were almost there! Unfortunately, I first happened to see the SI, a fat strict man. And then by the time I could imagine what he could do if we were caught, I see these two guys in civil dress, showing their sticks and asking me to stop. And I had to stop.

Like the rest of the days, this time I was just not worried to stop my vehicle because , I had my smart DL to show off. I parked my vehicle in issshtyle, told Su, that “ill be back”. I bravely and proudly walked towards the inspector, and showed him my DL (as though it was not a DL rather, it was more like I was the special squad officer). He glanced through it and said, oh good, now get me your RC, Insurance and emission test certificate. He was still talking and I looked to my left, and I see this guy pleading with the SI, and the SI says, fine Rs. 500/-.

Though, I was the one who rarely panic, this situation really freaked me out. I was not sure if I had those documents with me, and on top of it I was out without my parents’ permission! What the hell am I gonna do, if that fatty fines me! With so many thoughts hovering my mind I walked towards Su. She quickly realized there was something wrong. The first thing I did was opened the seat to check if the documents were there and my bad luck continued.. there was nothing at all! I looked at Su.., we exchanged looks, unlike the other days, she was my hope!

Now it was a do or die situation for us. Ok, we had to somehow find a way out. But there seemed no way out, because, the police were everywhere. So many of them.

I simply carried a cover in hand, which was actually a set of few photocopies of my notes :P, and pretended to wait in the line to get our documents cleared. After sometime, we pretended as though we had our documents cleared and walked back towards the vehicle, opened the seat and dumped the photocopies. We then started the vehicle and looked to our left, there was no one, looked to our right and two policemen were staring at us. With all courage, we said, “Aithala Sir?” (that’s it right) and he said aithu aithu( done) and we said thank you and sped from there in no time. Oh my God, and the way we screamed out of relief. It still gives me chills!

P.S. Though it was the only time I panicked, till date, whenever we pass that place, Su, never let go off a chance to pull my legs.

First check on my checklist.. :)

2013-02-20T14:43:00.005+00:00

Dated back to my schooldays, there was a poem which spoke about the beauty of the very famous Jog falls and there is a line that says one has to see the jog falls before he/she dies. But this is just one thing which people should do in their lifetime and I have a big list of things which I want to do in this lifetime.

And having a big list of “to-do” things and then actually fulfilling them gives you a felling which can’t be explained. Yes, I got this feeling when one of the things “to-do” in my wish list came true.

Grown in an environment where there were no gals around undoubtedly made me play games not with pretty looking dolls, rather I grew up playing cricket. Cricket was my favorite game and having my bro and dad who were great cricket fans, I too unknowingly followed them and thus became a huge cricket fan. Though I played cricket for years, never did I get a chance to play cricket match. (Hmmm... A gesture is more than enough to the wise) and for the ones who didn’t get it, yes, this was one of the “to-do” things of my wish list.

What better opportunity can I get when I am given the liberty to add games of your choice when you are conducting the inter-class matches? I being one of the sports coordinators decided to conduct the inter-class girl’s cricket match. Each one of them mocked at me listening to the idea. People even said that, “ultimately you will be the only one playing on the field”! I didn’t give up. I even had to face obstacles from the physical directors and some sadist’s spreading rumors like the match is cancelled and etc., etc...

However, as we all know “A Strong Passion for anything will Ensure Success!” And yes, the dates were fixed, the ground was booked, and the big day finally arrived. And I definitely had a strong passion for cricket and woooppaaa…It feels great... Not only because I have successfully conducted the match but also to emerge as winners!

A fall to remember- 3 levels of delight!!

2013-02-04T17:00:00.002+00:00

It was a real long time since we all cousins went for an outing. After a long debate on where to actually go, taking into consideration the various pros and cons, we finally decided to for a drive and then to a far off beach. (That was my idea :P) Though Rithanna kept cribbing on the idea of going to such a faaar beach, we were least bothered, since we were too busy with enjoying the drive. The journey was fun with lots of teasing, insulting, imitating and what not.

Finally we reached our destination. BEACH.. Wow.. It was so lovely.. We were clicking pics, simultaneously enjoying the nature’s beauty. The touch of salty water against our feet…. It was all lovely.. Everything was so well in place until the moment struck..

My sis who just loves Charumburi, wanted to go to buy Charumburi, all busy in calculating how many would we need and I did the counting and looked straight up to her and said the count is five.. When she was all set to go to buy, .. Wooopaah! What a moment it was.. I, who was looking straight at her, in a fraction of a second couldn’t find her.. Coz she was lying flat at her back on the sand.. ! we all burst out into laughter.. it was indeed a fall to remember for her.

Then, she went n got Charumburi and once we were done with eating them, I and my bro thought to have a small photo-shoot amidst the waters. Until then the water was so calm that it was just brushing against out feet.. so we stood there and started clicking pics in different angles. We were so immersed in the whole photo-shoot thing that we didn’t realize that a big wave had made its way towards us. . Only when it made its impact on us we happened to realize.. maahnn…what the.. we screamt! Yes, that big wave actually made us literally drench. . We ran from there all drenched in water.. by then it was already dark and we planned walk back towards the car. .

We were all walking since we still hadn’t neared our car. There were so many cars parked on the right hand side and suddenly we hear the sound of the car door opening. We were all startled at the sound since there no one walking behind us. We all turned back to see what was happening and to our amazement and surprise it was none other than my sis. (exactly! What was she doing with that car) .hea hea.. She thought it was our car and happened to take her seat and even funnier part was, the car wasn’t locked and that’s how she managed to open the car door... it took about a few seconds for us to realize what exactly was happening. The min we realized that, we burst out into laughter. We were on the middle of the road and were laughing like crazy. We laughed and laughed till our stomach’s ached. By then, there were a few other people who witnessed the scene and that made us laugh even harder.

It was a wonderful day.. With three levels of delight..!

We are F.R.I.E.N.D.S.!

2013-01-09T17:18:00.003+00:00

I was walking from the gate towards the college. I see this monkey (My personified human friend) looking at me right from the minute we could actually start seeing each other. He was my senior and I hardly spoke to any of them, however he just somehow happened to my newly hi-bye friend. I looked at him, n smiled and he too smiled in return.

That smile costed me a lot.. ( I've been tolerating him ever-since then! :P) He then pinged me.. however, I only thought that he had a crush on one of my friend’s and that is why he wanted to get to her through me. But only later, did I realize that the reality was far different. (Don’t worry; he didn’t have a crush on me or something) He thought I was different, since I was always on to my own, and thought that I was in some deep shit, and possibly wanted to help me out of it. (Beat that..) But in reality, he was the one who was in the deepest everrrrr shit. I do understand people and I always knew that there was so much mystery behind that ever smiling face. He laughed but his heart never laughed and I knew it and this is exactly I told him when we started talking. And stupid Nelson, (yes, he is the glorified personified monkey :P) had no choice but had to agree to it, and that’s how our journey of friendship began. Though he had loads of people around him all the time, I knew that he was alone and being there for him was my new goal.

We used to talk every day and he made it very clear that he is not the one on whom, someone can rely upon, and kept exaggerating, that girls fall for him and the minute he realizes that, he would plainly walk out. ( now come on, who said that I would rely on him, or who on earth said that I would fall for him!, ofcoz it was more like a donkey praising its own tail.. :P)

Hea hea, he got offended and he said, I bet that in another six months’ time, u will fall for me, I said.. waaaaaaat?! I took up the challenge and said that I shall pay you thousand bucks if that happens, and its implied to you as well.. And the bet still stands up..coz we are meant to be F.R.I.E.N.D.S.!

We spoke, we spoke and we spoke..and we speak..we speak n we still speak.. I was sometimes a strict teacher, sometimes a student friendly teacher for him, sometimes a good friend, and sometimes a terribly bad friend…(coz I kept yelling at him most of the times) and slowly I learnt almost everything about him and thus, eventually from just a mere friend he turned out to be one of my real good friends.(Go back to the dialogue.. "u r ma beeeeessssst friend"!)

Today on this day, I want to thank you for being there and damn… I so badly wanted to be in the same batch.. maybe this is the way it had to be… you are a wonderful person and one sincere request...please just catch hold of someone and get married soooooooon.. :P

P.S. You need to thank me, coz you finally you got a place in my blog.. :P and u know why I wrote it today, coz otherwise you will never read any of my posts... :P :P

HUMILIATION — A BLESSING IN DISGUISE

2012-11-27T08:46:00.000+00:00

“I shall put you in a mixer, grind you and make each and every classmate of yours to drink that juice”! These were the words that came out of one of my lecturer’s for ME!!

I was still in the second year of my engineering and fortunately or unfortunately (more of unfortunate) I was the class representative and even unfortunate was the fact that we had our classes scheduled on the top most floor and to add to this, there was no elevator. Now why do I call this as unfortunate, because as a class rep I am supposed to get the chalk, the projectors remote and do all that shitty work for which I had to eventually shed a couple of kilos (from an ambassador to the tango) climbing up and down the stairs. To be honest, it was so so soooo much pain.

And there was this particular lecturer who would never be happy without sending down to fetch something or the other and that made me real crazy. He was a pain. For me he was like warlock taking classes for us which were no less than nightmares. He was more like a wizard with those devilish powers who could cast a spell and I was on the hit list of his spells because I was that unfortunate class rep and that too of the class in which I never wanted to be. I hated my class.

It was obvious that he didn’t like me, and the feeling was no different for me either. There were many reasons that supported it. That every hour he used to take was more like short film, with a mix of teaching and drama which comprised of humor (which was humor only to him) and thrill because there were instances wherein he used to threaten students that, if he/she fails to answer the question, he shall throw him/ her out of the 5^th floor through the window and if they happened to answer then, he himself would jump down (neither of which ever happened). So every day we had this short movie for an hour and also eating our precious interval time every single day (The time, when I could meet my friends from the other section) and this continued throughout.

One day, he had given us an assignment, and he said, “Namratha, you are the class rep (damn, not again! I thought) and it’s your responsibility to collect every person’s assignment and see to it that it reaches to me by 12:30P.M., failing which I shall put you in a mixer, grind you and then make each and every classmate of yours to drink that juice”! Having this very bad habit of imagining and picturing things as and when people talk, the very thought of it made me to giggle (though I wanted to laugh out my heart) but then I realized sir is still staring at me.. ! you must be wondering what on earth made me giggle when the rest of my classmates were so scared and serious. Hea..hea.. The fact is that, by then I had realized that humiliation for him, was a way to motivate his students. Somehow, every time he humiliated me, it gave me a feeling of being doubly blessed..(or may be I was just getting used to it)

Days passed, and I was in the final year, final semester where we have technical seminar, wherein every student has to choose a technical topic and present on it for twenty minutes and ten minutes for the Q & A. A dreaded panel of about four to five lecturers was formed to evaluate the seminar. We all hoped that the wizard doesn't turn out to be in our panel, but my bad luck continued. Yes, he was one among the five panel members, all of them were just like him.

Five of us were to present that day, and I was the fourth presenter of the day. The previous three were royally screwed and it was my turn now. I begin my presentation at about 3:10 P.M. and I stopped talking only at 3:45 P.M. I had stopped because I had reached the end of my presentation, the thank you slide and I was now waiting for that dreaded panel to shoot n number of questions at me. I looked at each of the panel members and, one of them called my name out. I looked at him. He just shook his head and said, “For your level of confidence, and for the way you presented today, HATS OFF!!” and he not only said that, but he actually did it and applauded..and the entire class joined hands to applaud !! He also added that “I wanted you on and on”. I still could not believe..Can I get a better compliment than that? Could I get it from him? Yes, it was not from any other person, but from GP himself. (Yes, the wizard or the warlock I was referring to was him, The GP Sir). He also added, “I don’t think, either of us have any questions for you. “ And what a day it was. All this while, he blessed me through his humiliation and today he had actually praised me with all dignity and I was so immensely blessed.

I never met him after my graduation. I always thought I shall meet him when he can be proud about the fact that I was his student. The time was nearing, I wanted to meet him, but I can never meet him again because God had some other plans. A call from god made him disappear. He is now gone, gone forever, leaving behind the memories. Never ever will I forget that day, his words, and his way of inspiring, his humiliations (motivation in disguise) and never will I forget him.. R.I.P. GP Sir.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANNA..!! :)

2012-11-02T15:15:00.003+00:00

Dearest Anna,

Today is your birthday and I would want you to know my innermost feelings. One thing you ought to know is that, I've always admired you.

Your method of caring, is perhaps the thing I love most about you, your deep thoughtful side and the way in which you present it, your unique though offensive ability to advise without pompous judgment, to subtly point at my mistakes and the direction I should take and of course the way you care for each of our family members, with your unique, steady, peaceful, but powerful love. It makes you different from the rest.

We both are so different, and to be honest, it’s so hard to choose just one trait as my favorite when there are so many things to love about you. Your smile, your consistent quest for knowledge, your self-control, your intelligent thoughtfulness, and the list goes on and on.

It’s your birthday today. So I've grabbed the opportunity to tell you, how lucky I am not to have big brother like you, but to have you specifically as MY big brother and dear friend. There is no one else in this world like you, Anna. Though you are a hopelessly stern critic, you are wonderfully special and I love you immensely.

Happy Birthday.

Love,

Nammi :)

A letter to my brother

2012-10-12T09:14:00.001+01:00

It was the 30^th of September 1997; I was still in class 4. The excitement of the India-Pakistan match was on, and what a match it was!. The thrill was building up and the land-line phone rings. My dad answers the call and without uttering a word he drops the call. But I, my brother, and two of my cousins were so lost in the excitement of the match that we didn't realize when the remote was taken from my hand, and when the TV was put off. Dad immediately asked us to get ready to go to my grandma’s house. We instantly sensed that something was wrong. I looked into my parents eyes just to see if I could get answers to the questions piling up in my mind, but both of them refused to maintain any eye contact with me.

We were to almost reach the gate of my grandma’s house, that we heard the neighbors scream out of joy.. Yeah, we had won; India had won the match against Pak. It was no small thing and I wanted to celebrate the win along with them. But I couldn't, for I knew there was something wrong. We went into the house, only to see that my uncle and aunt were all ready to go along with my parents. I could see my grandma who was totally clueless of what was happening, sitting on the sofa and asking if someone could tell her what was going on. The land-line at my aunts’ place was ringing without taking a break; calls were made and received one after other in no time. Amidst all the conversations then went over the phone calls, I could only sense that, indeed there was something wrong. Something seriously wrong at Surathkal and it was something about Chandu Anna. My mom then called my brother and me aside and said, “take care of your grandma and the two cousins. We may be a little late.”

We along with my grandma were just the four of us left at my grandma’s place. I had to take care of my grandma and the two cousins. It was difficult for me since throughout the night, my cousin only kept asking what had happened to Chandu Anna. I wiped his tears and tried consoling him telling that nothing has happened and nothing will happen to him. I gave him a tight hug only to hide my tears from him.

Chandu Anna, was my mischievous cousin who was more attached to me and to my family than to his own family members. Every weekend he used to come home and when the vacations were on, hours after his last exam, he would be with us back at Mangalore. 30^th September was no different. It was the last day of our exams and his exams too. After writing his exam he came outside his school to catch a bus to Mangalore. But his wait went for long and when he made inquiries he realized that due to some strike, there were no buses plying from Surathkal to Mangalore. He walked back home in despair.

But he had some good news for him at home and chicken Kebab was the good news. Yes, just like me, he was a complete non-veg freak and having chicken at home was no lesser than good news for him. But before he could reach home, his neighbor and his best friend called out for him and said “anyway you aren't going to Mangalore, come, let’s quickly go to beach and come”. My cousin promptly agreed and even before his mom screamed out “don’t go son, I have prepared chicken kebab for you”, he unheard the call and went, for, the gods call was far greater than hers. He went with the call and never came back.

I was completely upset and shattered because it was more than impossible for me to believe that he was gone. No more he would come home on weekends. No more, would he pinch me or beat me. No more would he irritate me. No more would he make me laugh. It was all over.! It was hard for me to digest the fact that he was no more. I couldn't think of not remaining in touch with him, so I decided to continue to stay in touch with him. Yes, I decided to write letters to him. I had a diary and I tore out a page from the diary and wrote letters to him every week. I used to tell him everything that had happened in the week, the good and the bad and if there was nothing to say at all, I would just ask if he was alright. I wrote special letters to him wishing on his birthdays and also on the day he left me. Sometimes, even sorry letters if I did anything wrong or just for the fact that I couldn't write to him the previous week. All these letters were put away in a green color plastic container which was safe in the drawer and this went for weeks together, for months and eventually for over years.

Years went by, and my letter box was almost full when one late afternoon, my mom walked towards me and hugged me tightly. I had absolutely no clue for why she was doing it. I looked at her wondering what made her hug me and then she showed me the green box and also the diary! I didn't know what to say and I broke down. She hugged me yet again and said, “The letters won’t reach him”. I then realized that it was the time for me to grow up. I understood that my efforts to actually create memories was a mere fantasy. I had to grow up and live with the memories rather than trying to create more. I had to discard it all. Gone with the wind were the letters I had written to my brother...

She is I, I am Me!

2012-09-30T16:08:00.002+01:00

She was a seed sown. Making her entry to this mother earth on a rainy day... only if they knew it was not just mere rains. The heavy rains only pronounced that the mother earth "wept for joy" over her birth.

One who plants a tree, plants a hope and hope was inevitable to surround her... She was nurtured... Nurtured with all love and care, nurtured in a way such that she could be a tree, a “tree of life”. She was watered, for without which she wouldn't survive...She needed timely boosters , and she definitely didn't fall short for it.

Now she is all groomed.. And how beautiful it is to see and stare at her. Her head high with buoyancy, she is tall, confident, beautiful and straight-forward.

With every move she makes with the wind, she draws a new painting, a picture of her own, that takes her to heights, for she knows that sky is the limit and the birds soar high in the sky.

That slender athletic ribs of her allows her to learn from her defeat and to evolve as a winner with the ping pong ball tossing high up in the air.

With every rustle she makes, she portrays it in her picturesque writing for; she believes life is a story. Every day is a new story and every story adds life to your life.

She always know her way to reach out.. For, she knows she is articulate. The fruits may be hard outside but she has a clear and soft heart inside.

The juice of motivation she gives can make anybody strong; for she knows she is a good motivator and makes people’s long life so joyful.

Be it day or night, when stars and moon are bright, she smiles and still continues to inspire people to smile in perfect sight, for she believes that you laugh and the world laughs with you; but you weep and you weep alone.

She withstands, be it the rains, she withstands, be it the thunderstorms, she still withstands.
With every gust of wind, with every peril she receives, and with every fall, she comes back, she comes back strong for, nobody can shake her.

She is always proud to stand, for her roots are tightly holding grounds bound and controlled by the principles of her own.

She has gradually grown...a grown coconut tree..

Now she sways majestically when the wind blows hard and sings through the leaves... Oh dear. She is I, .. I am me!

I am tired of being there for them!

2012-09-02T18:05:00.001+01:00

It's that wonderful old-fashioned idea that “others come first and you come second”. This was the whole ethic by which I was brought up. Others matter more than you do, so I thought I shouldn't get fussy about this whole thing. But, for how long can I get on with it. Nobody likes to be hurt. Do we? Whether it is physical or mental, pain can be traumatic. Why do we feel so much pain? The pain that is caused due to your near and dear ones, the emotional pain. I want to decode this pain.

How can we not feel hurt when one loses someone or something that is dear to them? I don’t. Because, we can read inspirational quotes, grope our way out of the darkness, or share our sorrow with a best friend but what if that best friend fail to understand you. Some get used to the pain, while others overcome the pain and regain control of their life. I fall in the second half. I have become strong in life because I can’t remember when and who hurt me. When you can't remember why you're hurt, that's when you're healed.

How many times have you felt that someone hurt you on intention? How many sleepless nights have you spent because of the feeling of being hurt and being used? I stood in front of the mirror and looked at myself, if I could see the big picture. Is it me who is actually allowing them to take me for a ride? It is so hard to digest the answer. Yes, it was me.!

I am not saying that you shouldn’t have any feelings for others but we should set our priorities right. Shouldn’t we? Seeing the complete picture will reduce the bad feelings associated with any situation.

If you are going through a difficult phase, and are unable to cope, it is time to realign your thoughts. Dealing with pain is an important part of growing up. We should become mature, wise, and more tolerant with the passage of time. But I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. The folks you help won't realize that you have these emotions because they need you just because they need you. I too want to experience how it feels to feel the need. Yes, I want to be there for myself.

I must learn to love the fool in me, the one who feels the need to be there for others. I never allowed anyone to hurt me, because I always thought that nobody can hurt me without my permission but m tired. I am tired of being there for them..