@MrJimmyCorkhill

A FEW THOUGHTS ON / FOR MAN UTD FANS

2012-08-16T16:29:00.003+01:00

I fired out a few tweets last night about the ‘Van Persie to Man Utd’ deal.
I’m not a sports writer, no. I don’t claim to be. I’m just a football fan who spends most of the time taking the piss out of everything that breathes, and every now and then I tweet a little tiny glimmer of sense.

I said that Arsenal should be glad about generating £24m for a 29 year old striker. Most gunners who replied, agreed.

But for some reason, my tweet prompted every on-edge-defensive / axe-to-grind Man Utd fan in the country (majority being in the SOUTH of the country might I add) to tweet me jibes about Andy Carroll costing us £35m. Majority of which went along these lines:

“Andy Carroll was £35m you kopite wanker hahahaha you scouse scum hahaahha #19”

Is this directly linked to Arsenal being pleased about getting £24m for RVP? No.

Granted, Newcastle will have laughed till they threw up at getting £35m for Carroll. Of course they did. Even the stack of left over Carroll NUFC shirts in his Sports Direct warehouse wouldn’t stop Fat Mike Ashley from laughing his fat sausage cock off. Similar to the way we laughed at Chelsea, once we had stopped mourning / being angry, at taking Torres off us for £50m, to then have him sat on the bench or carrying out epic misses for the rest of that season, and the majority of the next.

((N.B Did we really “pay” £35m for Carroll? We actually got rid of an underperforming Torres, brought Carroll in to replace the role of Mr Underperformer, and actually ended up £15m better off if you look at it that way... but that’s an argument for another time.))

So in response to all the “hahahah you scouse bin-dippers paid £35m for Carroll” tweets, most of which were littered with spelling errors and general nonsense, I tweeted this:

“Yes #LFC paid £35m 4 Carroll.. BUT Reina £6m v DeGea £23m Agger £5m v Rio F £30m Lucas £6.5m v Carrick £18m Suarez £22m v Berbatov £30m”

What I was trying to illustrate, off the top of my head, was that yes we “paid” over the odds for Carroll, but we’ve had some decent bargains in recent years too. Some good value players.

The tweet got 1500 RTs (still counting) and I got a hilariously bizarre mismatch of replies. (Some Everton fans agreeing with me was a first, I have to say!)

Unfortunately, the majority of replies were again from our intellectually challenged Man Utd friends, and with some difficulty I was able to translate a few of them to fit in the below categories:

Type 1 - “Yeh but we’ve won more. LFC have won fuck all. Fuck all since the 80s.”

Yes, LFC have won fuck all. We are categorically NOT the most decorated club in English history. Honest. We don’t have 41 trophies to your 40. We really have won fuck all. Yes it’s so true. We have NOTHING in our trophy cabinet.

Click here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_football_clubs_in_England_by_major_honours_won

Shall I stop living in the past?? OK... Let’s scrap all the 80s stuff. Lets even scrap our 5^th Champions league win in 2005. And FA Cup 2006. Even that’s too far back. Let’s look JUST at last season shall we? Andy Carroll’s first full season – De Gea’s first full season. Is that modern enough for you? Because WE won the Carling Cup, and made the final of the FA Cup. YOU won fuck all. Sweet fuck all. Unless you want a trophy for getting dicked by City 6-1? Or a trophy for just “coming second in the league” ... That STILL won’t put you ahead, as we’d have a nice little trophy for coming second in 2008/09, too, wouldn’t we?

Type 2 - “Yeh that’s coz you scousers are skint and can’t afford fuck all except the bargain bin.”

Yes, yes. We are skint. Yes. We are the ones that just floated ourselves on the NYC Stock Exchange. Yes that was us. Oh .. hang on a minute... that’s you.

And yes, only the bargain bin for us we are that skint, yes. We didn’t spend £35m for Andy Carroll, we actually swapped him for an old TV and some sexual favours. There was no money exchanged, because we are indeed skint.

Type 3 - “Yeh but Henderson and Downing are shit too.”

Yep, they aren’t amazing as of yet. But if we are playing that game, let’s throw in your purchase of Anderson at £20m. Anderson who is incredibly shit at everything except looking like that ‘Cleopatra Comin Atcha’ girl-band from the late 90s. Shall we throw in Owen Hargreaves too at £17m? Shall we bring up Bebe at £7.4m? Every team makes mistake buys – every team has disappointments. I was demonstrating the good value of some of our successful players -vs- yours, so why do you need to load the bloopers tape?

Type 4 - “Yeh but we got Giggs and Scholes for £0m.”

Clap, clap, clap. Well done for that. Ever heard of a couple of lads called Steven George Gerrard and James Lee Duncan Carragher?

Type 5 - Miscellaneous illiterate shit and abuse.

Learn to spell. Swerve being the big man. It's obvious you're only allowed on twitter whilst your Mrs watches Corrie. #SevenThirtyTillEightTweeter

Oh and take the photo of you and your ugly kid off your profile picture – you’re an embarrassment to him/ her/ it.

Laters, see you Sept 23rd. #YNWA

FREE £25 BET FOR NEW SEASON

2012-08-10T13:40:00.001+01:00

Get on this FREE £25 BET for the start of the footy season.

Sign up, put £25 in and you get another £25 free.

Stick the free £25 on LFC winning league. Or Everton if you're that way inclined.

Good luck kids ..

Click below advert and sign up

(BEST DOING IT ON A LAPTOP OR PC .. Dont think it works on mobiles )

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE MAROON 5 BLOKE

2012-08-10T10:40:00.002+01:00

Alright lad... you still stuck in that payphone or what?

Because every time I turn the radio on, there you are, warbling about being in a payphone trying to call home... la la la laaa laaa laaaaaa lalalala yooouu. Or something.

Its getting a bit old now, I’m a bit bored of it. I was concerned of your plight upon the first time hearing said song, but now I have heard it about 872 times it has sprung a few questions in my mind about the legitimacy of your dilemma.

Who even uses payphones these days?

Are you bad scruff or what? You sold 8 million copies of “Moves Like Jagger” .. You’d think you’d be able to afford a phone that has a contract, so you’d never run out of credit? Don’t tell me you’ve spent the entire proceeds already on vintage t-shirts and skinny jeans?

OK so maybe you have a contract phone, but the battery is dead? (Probably from listening to your own songs all day on speaker)

So lend yer mate’s phone? You aren’t out on the piss ON YOUR OWN are you? You have got mates right? And unless they are all bad scruffs who haven’t topped up their PayAsYouGo either? If that is the unfortunate case, you need new mates. But for an immediate solution to your problem, just lend a bird’s phone? Some bad slag will absolutely be trying to get a photo with you for her Instagram.. Just say “Here girl, lend us that phone a minute there” and she will probably lend you her thong as well.

Just do whatever you can so you don’t need to use a Tramps Piss Stinking payphone? Be resourceful lad.

How are you ‘trying to call home’ as such and what’s taking you so long?

Are you that rat-arsed that you can’t dial the number? That pissed that you’re ringing the number of the place you used to live when you were 17? That would be acceptable.

Or is yer bird swerving you and not answering because she’s sick of your skinny jeans that haven’t been washed since 2009?

Or is the line busy? Bet she’s on to her Ma chatting shit. Unlucky lad.

But here’s an idea. Call her mobile. Who uses landlines in real life?

How have you ‘spent all your change’?

Everyone knows you don’t put yer 10p in until they answer. Even bad divvies who can’t spell know this.

IN GENERAL:

In general, please get the fuck out of the payphone and fuck off.

There’s some kids there who want to ring the fire brigade for a joke and you’re spoiling their fun.

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Rio Ferdinand's Dictionary

2012-07-16T15:58:00.001+01:00

Well well well... Rio Ferdinand hey?!

It’s usually his top lip hanging there like a badly packed kebab that annoys me.. But now he is deciding to change the meanings of phrases to try and worm out of trouble?
One could say that Rio is a :

Shithouse (n) Someone who ‘gives it big guns’ and then retracts and squirms when trouble comes knocking

I was highly amused by Rio’s antics over the weekend. He, by proxy, calls Ashley Cole a ‘Choc Ice’ which every single person on earth knows to be a derogatory term for ‘black on the outside, white on the inside’.

But in Rio’s Dictionary:

Choc Ice (n) “Someone who is fake. So there.”

Amusing, in that the could have called that little runt Cole something simple, like a “CUNT”, or, say a “QUEER FAG BASTARD WHO PUTS MOBILE PHONES ON VIBRATE UP HIS ARSE” and no one would have batted an eyelid.

But setting aside that small matter, Rio’s own definition of Choc Ice has inspired me to share a few other ‘classics’ that might be in Rio’s Dictionary:

RIO'S DICTIONARY - Volume one:

Moving House (v) : Deliberately missing a drugs test after being off your face *allegedly

Stay On Your Feet (phrase): A catch phrase launched to pretend that an aging, injury prone footballer is actually at the height of his game and is tackling everything that moves, when really, his back legs have gone.

Murking (v) : Acting a twat and trying to have your mates off with lame as fuck practical jokes, and telling them, “You Got Murked” on TV, but just looking a cunt yourself through the whole process.

What reasons? (question) : Realising you are too shit, even for England, but instead of taking it on the chin when you don’t get picked, publically questioning the Owl-faced buffoon who manages England, via Twitter. Cringe.

Ayia Napa Kappa Slappa (n): the woman who features in the embarrassing porn vid with Rio, Lampard and Dyer circa 2000 *allegedly

Lamp-roast (v): To spit roast aforementioned Ayia Nappa Kappa Slappa with your England team mate Frank Lampard

Doing 105.9 (v): the acceptable speed to travel on most motorways, before finally getting banned

Self important twat (Adj): Description of Rio Ferdinand

Soggy Ham Butty (n): Description of Rio’s top lip

Slug lip (n): Description of Rio’s top lip

Badly packed kebab (n): Description of Rio’s top lip

....And I know its not in alphabetical order.. but his top lip and bottom lip arent in order so why would his dictionary be?

Tweet any submissions for Rio’s Dictionary to @MrJimmyCorkhill #RiosDictionary

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5 REASONS WHY I HATE WIMBLEDON

2012-07-05T17:52:00.001+01:00

Been asked to pen my thoughts on Wimbledon.

A recent tweet of mine sums it up in less than 140 characters:

@MrJimmyCorkhill: #ThingsIdRatherDoThanWatchWimbledon be Joseph Fritzl’s daughter

But I shall now, of course, divulge as to why I’d rather be abducted and locked in a dingy cellar for a decade getting back-ended by crazy Austrian who happens to be my dad, than watch said tennis tournament.

Reason 1: Andy Murray

What a miserable, miserable, miserable twat this lad is. He’s got all the money in the world, he could have any hot slag he wants given his fame and fortune, and yeh he’s pretty decent at hitting little yellow balls with a racquet too. So why why why does he look like he owned 50 pet cats that he loved and cherished, and they all just died on the same day of a freak strain of Feline Aids?

Cheer. The. Fuck . Up. Gizza smile lad.

Has anyone ever seen him smile? Ever? If he wins does he smile then? Or just he just grimace like he’s shitting out a spiced pineapple?

Reason 2 : Andy Murray’s Mum

Ah maybe this is why soft lad doesn’t smile. Imaging having Andy Murray’s mum as your Ma. Bloody hell. I can’t decide if she’s a lezza, or if she really needs a good seeing to. Or both.

And imagine your mum rocking up at everything and shouting you on like that ... Do you see Stevie G’s Ma in the dug out at Anfield going “Eeeeeyaaa Stevie Lad .. Go ‘ed there laddd... G’waaan son”

No. No you do not.

The only football player’s mum who gets involved in the footy scene is John Terry’s Ma. Who, as the excellent rumour that we all like to consider fact goes, got shagged by Carragher’s cousin during Euro 08. Belter that. #JohnTerrysMaLovesScouseCock

Reason 3: Ball boys

Seen a belter tweet from @ScouseAmbassador yesterday saying that Wimbledon balls boys are all bad victims who got bullied at school and bummed by a choir master. How true. Possibly the most true tweet I’ve ever seen.

Absolute bad quegs the lot of them.

Its nailed on that they are all called Tarquin, Phillipe, Oscar, Rupert (Rupes to his chums) and William. I challenge anyone who reads this to find me a ball boy who is called Dave. Go on. Find me a ball boy called DAVE and I will blog a photo of me with my bare arse out, cheeks spread, doing a Lauren Goodger style trout pout, finger on lips... and I will put a tennis ball up my foreskin for good measure.

Seen how they are on best behaviour all the time, crouch perfectly, stand to attention like soldiers, dead quick with everything, hand fresh towels out like sweets... and have all got the gayest run ever... Makes me cringe so hard my testicles invert. Get on the ball boys at the match for some tips, we’ve had some crackers in the Premiership over the years. Stroll round like they’re not arsed, they get the ball when they want. Do they give it back in a rush when Utd are attacking in the 90^th minute- do they fuck. Is right lads.

Reason 4: The crowd

Another bunch of Tarquins, Phillipes, Oscars, Rupert s and Williams, with some Hermiones, Jermimas, Elizabeths, Margarets and Trixibelles thrown in. Sat there with their cucumber butties and strawberries and cream. Actual cream. Not that squirty stuff from The Asda. Actually runny cream. Posh fuckers.

And their Robinsons Lemon Fruit & Barley.... in a flask. Fucking fuck off.

Sitting there Instagramming photos of themselves and tweeting hash tags like #TotesWimbledonYaaah , before switching from iPhone to their Blackberries to just check up on their work emails.

And there is obviously too much sugar in all them strawberries and fruit & barley and it goes to their heads and they actually start getting excited at what’s going on in front of them:

“Ooooh” ... “Aaaahh” .... “Ooooh” .... “Aaaaaah”

Are they messing? A bloke is hitting a yellow thing at another bloke. That bloke is hitting it back. Oh.. it hit the ground. Oh no. ????

And then you get them ones who actually SCREECH.. “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkk” all because the bloke who hit the ball at the other bloke ALMOST didn’t hit it back when he got it hit back at him, but then he hit it back. Like, at the last second and that. Zzzzzzzzzz.

And this crowd sit there ALLLLL DAY. I get a numb arse in The Kop, if I don’t stand up and bounce to Theeeeeeeeee Fieeeeeeeeelds of Anfieeeeeld Roooooooad every 15 mins. Can you imagine sitting there ALLLLLLL FUCKING DAY? In these denims? Norrrrapnin.

Reason 5 : People who can afford to pay £45k for a ticket for the men’s final

Kind of carrying on from Reason 3.. these posh twats that pay a fortune to go and get a numb arse. Saw an article today that tickets are currently trading for up to £15,000 per ticket, up £3,000 since yesterday afternoon, and the price is predicted to reach £45k on the day.

Are they messing? Who in their right mind would pay £15k- 45k to watch a tennis match. Its on BBC for fuck’s sake.

For that money, I’d expect a court to be built in my back garden, and the ENTIRE tournament to be played there. I’d expect champagne on tap, caviar butties, and them jam and cream scones and shit. I’d expect the balls to be made of a unique combination of a fairy’s tears and a unicorn’s pubes. And an oily wank off Cockovich, or whatever he's called, would be included.

But even then, I wouldn’t watch it. I would be in my living room with the curtains shut.

----

All in all, it is quite simply, a terrible spectator sport. It really is.

Its just so .. uninvolved. You can’t follow a team, you can’t go at the weekend with your mates or take yer lad.. (Unless you’re called Tarquin or Rupes etc and you lad is a queg)

And there is no drama in a game of tennis. None. No sending offs .. No fights.. No swearing at the ref...

Worst thing that can happen is a bloke will break a string on his racquet, or accidentally twat the ref with the ball and him fall off that funny perch. That would actually be a laugh that, I’d watch tennis if the aim of the game was twatting balls at the ref and knocking them their high chair - I vote Maggie Thatcher as first ref.

Yes you get the odd surprise, like when a shit guy beats a good guy and that.. but that’s about it.

I’d quite honestly get more enjoyment out of watching Joey Barton sitting on the loo reading a dictionary.

Wimbledon in a nutshell: Its a CuntFest. And a BoreFest. And Venus Williams has got a cock.

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AN OPEN LETTER TO KATIE PRICE

2012-07-03T10:45:00.002+01:00

Greetings trout-lipped slaggamadaggama,

Which brand of pink velour tracksuit are you lounging around in today? Juicy Couture or Versace And have you got your glittery Uggs on or your diamante Converse?

My reason for writing is of course not to establish what god awful ensemble you are wearing, but to question a few things that have been bugging me.

1) What the utter fuck have you done to your lad’s hair?

Poor lad. Poor poor lad.

As if he’s not got enough on his plate? He’s Dwight Yorke’s lad for fuck’s sake. That’s punishment alone. Then he’s got that Peter Andre tool crying about him that he misses him and that ..

And lets face it – not the best looking lad in the world is he? Bless him. He was about 3 stone when he was born or something wasn’t he? And you go giving him a hair do like that? To help him “blend in” ? To help him “be normal” ? Has he not been sent home from school?

You’ve basically drawn all over his head with some chalk? A load of white lines and then a frog. A fucking frog. What lad wants a frog on his head? I’d sooner see a Nike tick and an undercut.
And then... you’ve got the cheek to tweet that he “loves it” ??? How on earth can he love that monstrosity .. ???

Is he blind?? Oh... Soz about that... Bit sly doing that to a blind lad? Right? I'd have to go to prison if I'd done that to a blind kid.

2) The things you tell the press

If I did a survey now about whether you are an attention seeking media whore or not, I’d like to think that the results would be unanimous. You’ve had more desperate reality TV shows than The Osbornes, more publicity stunts than any other ‘celebs’ I can think of, and you rock up at the opening of cereal boxes and that don't you, forever launching a new perfume range / make up / awful book / own range of tampons in 'bucket fanny' size etc..

But girl, why do you have to tell the press this? :

Q: “What’s the rudest thing you’ve ever done in the name of love?”

Katie Price: “I fucked Alex Reid up the arse with a vodka bottle.”

(source: Now! magazine)

REALLY? You have got three kids. Fuck’s sake. Do you really want your 3 kids knowing that?
Granted they’ll have seen your tits and flange in every lads’ mag going, and they’ll know you’re an absolute dirt valve. BUT do you really want them knowing that much?

I can’t even express how fucked up I’d be if from a tender age I knew that my Ma goosed my Dad / some bloke up the arse with a bottle of Voddy.

And Alex Reid? Of all the people.. Chimp faced, sawdust brained, ubercunt Alex Reid. Was he dressed as his alleged alter ego Roxanne at the time?

To be fair, I’d sooner see Peter Andre with a bottle up his arse. Preferably a broken one.
And you know what the aftermath would look like?

YOUR LAD’S FUCKING HEAD WITH THAT JOKE OF A HAIRCUT !

3) Your Range Rover

All the money in the world, and you’re driving round in this eye sore:

I wouldn’t step in that if you paid me.

If it was pissing down, freezing and I had no shoes on and I needed to get somewhere 100 miles away and I had no money – I wouldn’t step in that. I’d walk. I’d crawl. I’d even get dragged by a sledge of Huskies attached to my foreskin, before stepping in that god awful contraption.

And your number plate?? Really? KP11 HOT? Fuckkkkking hell.

Here, I’ll give you a heads up when I see B4D SL4G come up at the next DVLA auction.

...

Right that will do for now, as I can’t even be bothered spending anymore time on you.
But on a genuinely serious note – stop acting a twat, for the sake of your kids, you've earned your money so just settle down and be grateful for what you've got... They deserve a more normal life – where they will never ever ever ever hear about what depraved sexual acts you perform on your boyfriend(s).. Ever.

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Joe ThunderCat / ThunderCunt Hart

2012-06-29T15:14:00.000+01:00

So, the day before England played Italy, I seen Joe Hart on the telly and I finally realised what he looks like.

It had been bugging me for ages...

There'd be nights where I lay awake, tossing and turning, and tossing... thinking of Joe Hart.

And then it came to me, whilst he did his Pre-Italy interview.

A Thunder Cat.

Joe Hart looks like a Thunder Cat.

For those who missed my tweet and comparison pic at the time, here it is again:

So this was BEFORE the England v Italy game.. and what does he go and do in that game, during the shoot out?

Pulls weird Thunder Cat faces .. trying to put off / 'scare' the Italians!

Did it work lad? Did it put them off? Did you win?

Nope. Nice try lad.

Best bit was... did it put Pirlo off?

Nope... Pirlo had an absolute worldy of a penalty didn't he. In all of his 456483 years of being alive, he'd never taken a better penalty.

So what do you end up looking like Joe Lad?

A cunt.

A Thunder Cat, crossed with a cunt.

A Thunder Cunt.

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The Blog Break

2012-06-26T14:39:00.000+01:00

Alright yoooz lot?

Missed my blogs haven’t you?

Going to start up blogging again soon due to popular demand.. Had a bit of a break haven’t I, like them queg students who take a Gap Year during Uni to go and find them selves a.k.a have gay liaisons with Thai Lady Boys. Or them blokes with high powered banking jobs who have a nervy-bee / midlife crisis and have to take a ‘career sabbatical’ when the cleaner busts them photocopying their dangly balls whilst singing “I am the music man” or some shit.

Granted, my reason for the ‘blog sabbatical’ isn't quite like that... Its coz Go*ogleAdverts banned me after the HUGELY successful Open Letter to Joey Barton. (That he's still crying about and came in Garlands looking for me and we all know what happened there)

But because that blog post got over 5000 RTs and over HALF A MILLION VIEWS... It flagged up with the Go*ogleAdvert police. I imagine they have a special unit, similar to The Matrix, who sit around eating donuts until some shots get fired then NEEE NOORRR NEEE NORRRR off they go in the yellow vans.. #FTM

So, got busted by TheGo*oglePolice didn’t I and they sent me a pyaaaar arsey email saying I’m banned ... They owe me £200 from the advert clicks that my superb blog of comedic finery had generated them.

Was back in May all that wasn’t it. And I’m still sat here scratching me arse skint with no £200 off them.. And I don’t get any Panto money till Xmas do I... And Rick Vaughn still owes me the £20 appearance fee for when I rocked up and served chicken at his on Come Dine With Me..

I've been had off.

So... had a brain wave didn’t I .. and I've been messing about with a PayPal. What we can do, loyal fans, is cut out the middle man.

Instead of having to click loads of adverts about some shit Tshirts that you don’t even want, or some “Sex Potion” that you know is gonna melt your cock off ... Lets cut out the middle man and you can just gizzza quid direct to go towards my denim fund!

Simple.. If my blog makes you laugh .. If it brightens your day.. If you share it with your mates and get ManPoints for “TopBanter” *cringe* THEN SHOW YOUR APPRECIATION and give us a quid.. £2 .. a fiver.. a tenner... towards my denim fund.. Depends how rich you are doesn’t it?

All you have to do is click my shiny new PayPal button, logo below or over in the menu bar on the right.

Put in the amount of ££ you wanna give me, and log in with PayPal. Or yer bird’s PayPal. Or yer Ma’s PayPal.

Include your @ name when you donate so I can thank you. And nominate a subject for what you want me to blog on next.

Lets see how it goes.. Someone give it a test for me.

They do say that Liverpool is the most charitable city in the whole country ... so get raaaar on it and get Jimmy some ££ for his new denims.

Nice one you top scousers x x

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AN OPEN LETTER TO JOEY BARTON

2012-05-13T20:04:00.005+01:00

Alright twat features?

I’m seeing my arse here as you’ve made such a bad show of yourself today, that I have finally been tipped over the edge and I’m having to put pen to paper on you, on a Sunday night. My Sunday Dinner hasn’t even settled yet, and I don’t think it will tonight due to the fact that you remain in the world. Quiff and all.

People have been asking me to do a letter to you for a while. Could never be arsed wasting my time on you, but, well, then TODAY happened.

As a person, you’re despicable.

You come from a family of pure shit.

Your 'brother' and your ‘cousin’ murdered Anthony Walker, the young black lad, because he was black. #RIP

Your ‘cousins’ murdered an innocent Dad #RIP

And you:

May 2005 you broke a guy’s leg while driving your car through Liverpool city centre at 2 am.
March 2007 you got arrested for suspicion of assault on a taxi driver and criminal damage.
May 2008 you got 6 months in prison for assault and affray outside McDonalds.
July 2008 you got a four months suspended sentence for assault and ABH on a Man City team mate, ending your Man City career. You also got charged by the FA for violent conduct.

You & 'your family' are the kind of people that give Liverpool a bad name.

As a footballer, you’re despicable.

I'm not going to back track at all your other attention seeking sendings off, like the headbutt v Norwich which got you a straight red and QPR then lost 1-2 at home.

Its today that’s pissed me off.

Your team were fighting to avoid relegation, and you act the cunt and get a red card.
Then…. Your actions AFTER your red card? Just shouldn’t be seen on a football pitch. Your scum genetics took over and you kick out at Aguero who had nothing to do with your sending off. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a City fan. And I’d rather have them win the league than Utd, so in a way THANKS FOR THAT.

But now you’re mouthing off on twitter about “who gives a fuck” .. and how you did what you had to do. And who cares, you stayed up, that’s all that matters? And that you are off to CELEBRATE?? Celebrate??? You should be sent home to sit on the fucking naughty step lad.

Your team survived by the skin of your yellow teeth today. A penalty at Stoke v Bolton is what saved you. And you are fucking lucky. Otherwise you and “your team” would be down, pretty much because of you. And no offence to any QPR fans reading, but I fucking wish you had gone down just to teach your smug rat tashed fucking face a lesson.

And then you start tweeting that a team mate told you to “take one of the city players with you”. Bad disgrace that. You should be banned for life. No place for players like you. The media are going to be all over that tweet, and all QPR players will get tarred with the cheating brush. Well done lad. There’s no I in team is there? But there’s a fucking I in prick!

And setting aside the fact that you did it. Now you’re grassing? You can’t live life grassing that someone else told you to do something? Be your own man.

Mind you, Rick Astley told you to get that hair cut you’ve got, didn’t he.

Bottom line is, “Joseph”, underneath all your controversy and the BIG I AM act that you constantly hide behind, is the fact that you just aren’t that good. ARE YOU?

So you act up, stir controversy, mouth off, kick out, and play the big guns on twitter, to keep a name for yourself. Don’t you?

Lad, you play for a team that just survived relegation by an ant’s penis, and you’ve got the same amount of England caps as that David Nugent . ONE. Fucking David Nugent. Says it all. Thing is though, Nugent was born in Huyton too. But, guess what, he isn’t a bad disgrace to Merseyside. Or humans in general, is he?

Assess your life, lad. Assess your life. Because me and all the people that read and retweet this are telling you, you are fucking bad at it.

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE HATERS AND WHOPPERS THAT TRY AND GIVE ME SHIT

2012-05-08T13:58:00.001+01:00

I thought I’d take a little moment to address all the “haters and whoppers”.

Haters / whoppers are the people with less brain cells than a really early abortion, that come on giving it some, reckoning that I actually care about their meaningless opinions.

I usually just ignore them, which gets them more and more irate and they keep tweeting me and tweeting me .. and I can almost see the steam coming out of their uneven ears on their profile pic.

I was inspired to write this as I got quite a lot of interaction from “those less mentally fortunate” this weekend. So I thought I’d do a bit of care in the community and jot down a few tongue in cheek words urging these people to assess their lives.

The high ratio of beauts giving it beans this weekend was probably because of the cup final, then the City game and the Utd game and that. And me retweeting that vile pic that Frimpong tweeted seemed to bring some classic headcases out of the woodwork, despite me saying DO NOT LOOK UNLESS YOU WANT TO SEE IT.

There are various categories of people that give me shit:

The General Keyboard Warriors:

The people that sit behind their keyboards in their off-white Y-Fronts, making out they are harder than a 12ft reinforced concrete statue of Martin Skrtel, except they never actually leave their bedroom.

When you look at their followers, they usually have an amount less than can be counted on two hands. At least 3 of which will be them spam accounts that follow fucking anything.

When you look at their tweets, it’s usually a never ending sea of basic, boring ‘insulting’ tweets to a load of celebs, venting out all that sexually frustrated anger and the fact that their Clearasil just refuses to work: EG:

@GaryLineker Big eared fucking fuck
@LordSugar   Rich fucking fucker .. stupid beardy fucker.. fuck off
@JimmyCarr   Me and my mate reckon you aren’t even funny .. so .. fucking fuck off
@HollyWills    I would do so many things to your breasticles, you slagging slag

And then you see the classic:

@JustinBeiber   OMG I totes love you x x x x x like really x x x x just bought Never Never <3 <3 PLEASE RT x xx

And they are actually being serious.

The Location Morons:

The Location Morons are a variation on a Keyboard Warrior.. but these are my absolute favourites. They are so retarded-beyond-repair that they tweet me giving it beans, and then when I look, they’ve got location settings on and they’ve tweeted their pinpoint location of their shitty terraced house.

Every now and then, if I can be remotely arsed, I tweet back their street name and watch them flap like that chicken on the pitch at Blackburn v Wigan last night when Yakubu was trying to catch it for a post match snack. They go: “It was me mate .. me mate ad meee fone jimmy lad.. love you jimmy lad it was meee mate.. ”

Haha .. REALLY LAD? If you’re gonna tweet shit, and hilariously have your exact location on show, at least have the bollocks to stick by it. Do you really think I’m going to come round yer house and bum yer? ... Am I fuck. I’d send the firm wouldn’t I?

The Bitter Blues:

They come on, living up to their stereotype... laughing their hairy tits off when Liverpool don’t win the FA Cup final, till I go; “Yeh lad, were you even born when Everton last won something? Anything? No.. No.. you were not” .

Everton have NO SAY in anything as far as I’m concerned. We’ve beat them THREE times this season. Three times. We knocked them out of the cup. All they have to hang on to is the “Finishing above Liverpool trophy”. Not even arsed. We’ve had a shit season. Our worst season in Premier League history. So congrats and well done to Everton for managing to be 4 points ahead right now, despite the game in hand we have tonight .

They’ve still not won anything for 18 years. Nothing. Not a stitch. Nilch. Nada. Zip. FUCK ALL.

I will honestly, honestly, (swear on the memory of Little Jimmy) give them the time of day the next time they win ANYTHING that is silver. HONEST. In fact, if the whole team go down to the Bingo and if just ONE of them wins a FULL HOUSE... I will take it. I will take that as a “trophy win” and will listen to their pathetic jibes moving forward. I promise.

Infact, if just ONE of their players finds 20p down the side of the couch, I will take that as SILVER and will listen to them.

Until then, jog on, back under your rocks, OK.

(Love you all really, yer blue bastards x x x x x x x )

The Mental Mancs:

Actually more annoying than the Blue shite.. as these lot HAVE actually won things. They come on and their username usually has MUFC in there somewhere, like DazzaMUFC19 or something equally wool... Or they have the Utd badge as their profile pic and that rapes your eyes raaaar away. And they come on after Scholes scores in the 90^th minute going; UTD 4EVA ... KNOCKED OFF YOU’RE PERCH YOU SCOUSE RATS (sic) .. YOUR SHIT (sic) .. GERRARD FUCKS HIS MUM .. FOREVER IN OUR SHADOW ... NINETEEN .. I READ THE SUN AND IM PROUD .. THE SUN IS GREAT .. STRETTY END FOR LIFE ...

But when you look at their biog, they’re actually from Somerset. And they play cricket.
What confuses me the most, is, why they come running to me? When Liverpool score / win ...or Utd lose etc ... the last person in the world that I would go running to would be like, someone off Coronation Street? I really don’t get it. Yeh I will tweet Rio Ferdy or something going WAAAYHHEEEEEY YOU SLUG LIPPED BELL.. but that’s because his is a Utd player? And a slug lipped bell? I don’t go running to like, Emily fucking Bishop .. or Gail fucking Platt? Who, for the record, has a face like the remains of a bonfire of toy dolls.

Swerve it you Southern whoppers.

The Hillsborough / Murderer shouts:

A whole different packet of crisp here, these lot. The ones that come on, with no profile pic or real name, giving the “96 WAS NOT ENOUGH” shouts. Or “SCOUSE MURDERING SCUM”. Just to get a reaction. Assess your lives you utter fuck-tards. Grow some pubes and walk in The Grafton and say that and see if you come out with any eyeballs left.

The Out Of Work Soap Actor Shouts:

These are belters. They don’t agree with one of my comedic quips, and they come on going “ FUCK OFF .. Yer washed up bum, yer aint famous any more... last time you been on the telly was pure time ago.. like the 80s and that.. yer NO MARK”

Hahaha ... Really? Deary deary deary me. Have a long hard, stern word with yerselves and get a grip on reality. Usually, one of you normal people is kind enough to put them out of their misery and tell them the truth. And then they shut up.

(The truth of course being that I was on TV literally WEEKS ago on Come Dine With Me, the repeat, on Channel 4+1 .. and when Channel 4 are done with it, it will be on that Dave Channel for the rest of eternity. So there. )

Yer Ma:

Soz but who keeps letting their Ma on twitter? I keep getting these arl women coming on saying I should “be ashamed” of myself for “saying swear words” .. and other menopausal things like that.

All their other tweets are to, like, Michael Buble and Il Divo.

One woman was OUTRAGED reckoning I’m a disgrace to the memory of brookside. I’ll tell you what’s a disgrace to the memory of Brookside, love. Hollyoaks. That’s what.

Do me a favour everyone, talk your Ma off Twitter.

IN SUMMARY:

In summary, all of the above groups have worse banter than Piers Morgan crossed with Michael Owen. I’m talking ZZZZZZfest banter that is so awful and cringe that even our Cracker winces, and he can’t even read. He’s a dog. And he’s dead.

Don’t get me wrong – this blog is certainly not a CRY FOR HELP because I am being terrored. Far from it. You cant terror a terrorer. I enjoy seeing daily input from those less mentally able than me. In fact, its what gets me out of bed in the morning. I think “Life could be worse, I could be that woman who had her face torn off by a chimp OR I could be one of them whoppers off twitter who chat shit all the time.”

But I’m not and my face is intact. Thank fuck for that.

And, fans, I will ALWAYS give better than I get. Always. If I can be arsed replying to you, you will be beaten.

Remember the time some lad tweeted me calling me some attempt at an insult... and I looked at his profile pic and saw him and his bird, and I just couldn’t help but notice that God had been a little over generous on the tooth front when his bird was queuing up ... So I tweeted him saying “Kinell lad, Red Rum just phoned, he wants his teeth back of yer bird” and about 100 people RTd it and replied to him he was so so so so soooooo shamed that he changed his profile pic. Yeh. That.

So, on that note, Love you all,

JC

p.s If you are one of the people from the categories mentioned above, please please please live up to it and leave a comment below for all to see

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE TOWIE CAST

2012-05-04T13:33:00.002+01:00

Dear bunch of Southern beauts off that Essex programme,

(For the avoidance of doubt, and to clear any ‘language barriers’ beaut is not a complimentary term. A.K.A being a beaut is ‘NOT REEM’. *shudders*)

I write regarding my sheer, utter, relentless boredom of you being in the papers every five seconds, for quite literally, FUCK ALL.

In fact, I further this to question why you are in the papers AT ALL, never mind every five minutes.

Since when has one of you looking RATHER FAT in a bad bikini, then SLIGHTLY THINNER doing a god awful stupid pout , been viable news? I’m talking to YOU @LaurenGoodger

And haven’t YOU been sacked from the show anyway? For being a boring fat slag? Yeh thought so.

And then Mr Jelly Belly who prances around in a Tuxedo reckoning he can sing, making a bad tit of himself crying over that bird who keep swerving him all the time.. Yes YOU @RealJamesArgent

How is you having a £16,000 makeover made the news, when you still look like an absolute blert who bathes in chip fat every night? You got new teeth, a spray tan, a load of new clobber ... yeh great.. but how’s about you put down the double cheese burger for breakfast and swerve the ‘wet look gel’?

And don’t EVER , EVER get your moobs and jelly belly out in public / on TV again. EVER.

And then there is the one that looks like a horse with tits ..she knobbed that old man who owns Sugar Hut for his money, and then ditched him for a lower league footballer .. and then ... Yes I’m talking to YOU @MariaFowler

How is you rocking up in Liverpool at the Desperate Scousewives shop opening looking like you’ve fallen off the top of a Christmas Tree, and then “fighting” with Marcus Collins on Twitter, viable news?

And how how how do you have the audacity to actually call him an “XFactor Reject” on Twitter? He came second for fuck’s sake. He has singles in the charts. He is CLEARLY very talented. Where as you? You are famous for WHAT ? having tits and being a slag – thats what. You too have been SACKED from the show... so why are we still hearing about you? WHY?

And last but not least. The 12 year old boy. Joey Friggin Essex. @JoeyEssex_

Lad – what are you?

You get in the news for wearing HEAD TO TOE Hollister *shudders* and ORANGE UGG BOOTS *almost dies shuddering*

You are the worst example of BAD VIRGIN I have ever seen. Got about a zillion fan girls on twitter offering you Flange On A Plate and you just swerve it don’t you. Like my mate @TinheadFTM said the other day.... Where’s the papparazzi pics of you falling out of clubs at 4am? You should be beaked up, with fanny-slither all the way up to your elbows....Why not get yourself in the news for that? INSTEAD OF FOR DRIVING A WHITE SMART CAR !?

And as for your profile pic on Twitter of you ‘looking REEM’ in your white speedos.... I’ve seen more meat left in a KFC bargain bucket after that Arg lad has had a go at it after half a day of trying to diet. There’s a word up here for you, lad... = QUEG.

In summary... I just can not comprehend why people like you are repeatedly the subject of tabloid news agenda. Look at me and @SinbadBrookie, we can’t even get in The Liverpool Echo these days, despite decades of amazing soap acting and being LEGENDS across the Merseyside area. Didnt even get an invite to the Soap Awards the other night! Best exposure for me recently was the re-run of the episode of Come Dine With Me, where I rock up and serve chicken. Really. And it wasn’t even a celebrity episode.

So, I ask you to honour the views of me and the thousands that will read and retweet this, and stop getting yourselves in the news for FUCK ALL ... And please get yourself in the news for something NEWSWORTHY.. Say, a multiple car crash, or a suicide pact or perhaps a cast wide Anal Aids epidemic? I would quite happily read that kind of stuff.

Laters,

Jimmy C

AN OPEN LETTER TO JOHN TERRY

2012-04-25T15:23:00.001+01:00

Dear John Terry,

I write regarding your little incident during the Barcelona vs Chelsea Champions League Semi Final 2nd Leg. The little incident you got a red card for.... And your subsequent comments.

First off, the question everyone wants to hear the answer to:

WHY did you feel the need to knee Sanchez, from behind, off the ball, without provocation in such an important game?

a) Did he stamp on your toe?

b) Did he say your mum likes Scouse cock?

c) Did you want to slip off for an early bath so you could stick one in Guardiola’s wife whilst he was otherwise engaged?

d) Or was Sanchez quite genuinely just giving you the run around and you couldn’t handle it?

We’re all dying to know.

And, imagine .. just imagine our confusion, having seen the replays multiple times on Sky ... for the pitch side reporter to come on saying that YOU said Sanchez “RAN INFRONT OF YOU” and “CUT IN TO YOUR PATH” and “THAT IT WAS AN ACCIDENT”.

Imagine our utter confusion, until after the game, where you face the post –match interview and say;

“I’ve seen the replay.. and it looks bad on camera, but I’m not that type of player”

Ah. You aren’t that type of player. You aren’t that type of guy. Of course.

Of course you aren’t...........

But ..........

Remember the time in September 2001, when you were fined two weeks wages by Chelsea for an incident involving players and American tourists at a Heathrow airport bar in the immediate aftermath of the September 11th attacks?

Nah – you aren’t that type of guy.

Remember the time in January 2002 when you were charged with assault and affray after a confrontation with a nightclub bouncer?

Nah – you aren’t that type of guy.

Remember in 2009 when you were investigated by Chelsea and the FA for allegedly taking £10,000 from an undercover reporter for a private tour of your training ground?

Nah – you aren’t that type of guy.

Remember in January 2010 when the super-injunction about you back-ending Wayne Bridge’s missus was over turned, and all the papers reported your 4 month affair with her? And her and Bridge split? And you lost your England captaincy? And Bridge swerved your handshake?

Nah – you aren’t that type of guy.

And remember last November, when you were investigated following an allegation of racist abuse made at Anton Ferdinand? You ALLEDGEDLY called him a “black c*nt” ... And you got charged? And stripped of your England captaincy, again? And you face a criminal trial this July?

Nah – you aren’t that type of guy.

John Terry - Not that type of guy™

But .. JT Lad... Are you THIS type of guy?

(Full story about a Tranny from Warrington that is THE SPITS of John Terry can be found here: >> http://bit.ly/I1n9aV ))

Jimmy Corkhill's Photographical Review of The Grand National

2012-04-16T15:31:00.002+01:00

So, after my blog about how to Keep It Scouse At The National went down such a treat, with over 7000 views, I thought I’d take the time to do a Photographical Review of all the disasters that failed to take my advice, and rocked up and made bad shows of themselves:

Here goes:

Exhibit a) Not too bad a start, decent outfits, decent figures .. then OH MY GOD what is the face on that third one? The one in the tan? Looks like the Birkenhead Tranny’s twin brother:

Exhibit b) No clue what’s happening here. Are they feather earrings or is it a feather boa or did something just crash land in her chips or what?

Exhibit c) Lad? What the actual fuck? Really lad? Why? Actual WHY?

Never seen anything as queg in my life.

Exhibit d) So .. this bird has fallen head first through the Gypsy Wedding dress maker’s shop.. Then her 3 year old messed around with it a bit.. and then her fella placed the pearl necklace on there? Bad state.

Exhibit e) WHAT is this on the right??? Looks like she’s had off a Pimp .. robbed his coat and hat ?? Has she no mirror? Has her friend no tongue? Really?

Exhibit f) What an absolute belter this is. Some lad has actually let his Ma out the house looking like that. There are so many things wrong with it.. I can’t even begin. She reminds me of an old Crown Street prozzy I affectionately nicknamed Candle Wax Face.

Exhibit g) Told you this would happen didn’t I? Shoes off, tears.. vomming.. Making a bad mess of yourselves. Bet yer fella still isnt talking to you is he love?

Exhibit h) Dear Lord... someone’s Ma here taken a turn for the worst. Can you imagine??! Our Jackie got herself in that bad a state one time and I never forgave her. Ended up noshing a bizzy the utter whore.

Our Lindsay was fumin.

Exhibit i) Tight shiny suit - check ... Sunnies – check ... Being an ABSOLUTE WHOPPER- check...

Exhibit j) These two have GOTTA be from Wigan? Nice saggy nips there, bird in the pink top.

Exhibit k) Just put her down and put those thunder thighs away... Tree trunks. Also check out the GORGEOUS steward in the background

Exhibit l) Now what did Uncle Jimmy say about Panto Dame crossed with Gypsy Wedding?

Exhibit m) I don’t even need to say anything for these two do I ?

Exhibit n) Here we go .. shoes off.. snarling down the to your fella coz he has swerved you.

Told you, didn’t I ?

Exhibit o) And last but not least .. this utter buffoon of a man always has to gegg in doesn’t he. Does that cardigan / coat thing actually have Buffalos on it? Really lad?

An important message ahead of The Grand National

2012-04-12T15:26:00.001+01:00

As the Grand National approaches, in the interests of theCity of Liverpool’s reputation, I bring forth an important message:

To the ladies:

First off.. when choosing your fake tan shade, PLEASE don’t go for “Yer Ma fucked the Tango Man and out you came”. Just go for a nice light brown. It is April and it is Liverpool. We aren’t in Barbados. You aren’t expected to be Terracotta. And make sure you get it done properly at a salon. No one wants to see tiger stripes on your legs, or glowing orange hands that make you look like you just wanked off the aforementioned Tango Man.

If you’re a size 16 etc.... don’t go wearing a size 12 dress. Wear a 16 etc and make it knee length. If you don’t, you will only end up getting papped looking a bad state and then you’re bloke will swerve you and it will be tears before bedtime, your mascara will be dribbling down to yer knees and then you’ll get papped again.

And as a general rule.. make sure you don't wear anything thats basically a cross between a Panto Dame and a Gypsy Wedding.

Shoes: Don’t go moaning at 5pm when the plazzy straps have already turned to barbed wire and your feet look like they’ve been through a combine harvester. You made your bed when you bought them from Shoo Shoo in St Johns for £19.99. You knew they would quite literally rape your feet. But you risked it. So stick with it. No taking them off and going barefoot like a bad tramp. (If you’re lucky MerseyTravel will be giving out free flip flops again)

Swerve the diamante false lashes. Since when has having blag diamonds attached to your eyes been acceptable? You’ll just look like Mr Freezeout of Batman has shot his load on your face.

Oh and don’t be expecting Coleen to let on to you coz you got your dress from Cricket. And just because you spent your life savings on said dress, don’t be snide at the bar just buying a coke and bringing in your own bottle of Malibu in your faux-leather clutch.

To the lads:

Don’t go too shiny on the suit front. Seen some bad grip last year, suits were so shiny that I nearly got blinded. And the shoes were so pointy that people nearly died walking downstairs. Who wants to look like a bad queer of a game show host really? And real men can’t fit in fucking anything from TopMan. So turn it in.

Don’t wear sunnies unless it’s actually really sunny. Do you wear sunnies at the match? Do you fuck. So man up and let a bit of squinting do the work. (Doubt the sun will shine much anyway like.. prob gonna piss down)

Don’t go backing horses coz they are named after your bird /linked to the shop your bird works / linked to where you met your bird etc ...It’s wool that. Backing one that’slinked to your Five-O team / Stag Do nicknames is acceptable.

Swerve the ‘bromance’ if your horse comes in. Be scouse and be cool. No hugging your mates and getting emotional. Just nod and neck back your pint, chuck the plazzy glass at a wool and go collect your winnings.

To the BAD WHOPPERS:

To all those BAD WHOPPERS that haven’t got a ticket for The National, but will put their Dad’s suit on and bounce round town afterwards pretending they’ve been: DONT DO IT YOU UTTER UTTER BAD BELLS.

Go out in your normal clothes. Or even better, stay home and play on Call Of Duty.

Seen loads of you last year bouncing round Conny Square with a load of boxfresh tenners reckoning you’d been AND YOU JUST HADN’T .. AT ALL.. HAD YOU ... ???

Swerve it you mings.

To all the top Scousers who won't do anything mentioned above:

Take pics of anyone who fits in the above categories and tweet them to me @MrJimmyCorkhill .. Bonus points if anyone gets a pic of Steph The Birkenhead Tranny on Ladies Day.

HAVE FUN AND DO US PROUD x x

Laters kids x

My thoughts on Samantha Brick

2012-04-05T17:17:00.002+01:00

A load of people on Twitter have been asking me to blog about this Samantha Brick. So due to popular demand, here goes:

Let's kick off by saying how hilarious it is that she is named after the item she was hit in the face with at birth. It’s highly likely that she’s actually called Samantha Brick-FryingPan-ParkedCar-UglyStick, but uses Brick for short.

I first saw her article on Tuesday morning when I was perusing the DailyMail website for celebrity gossip / the latest photos of the One Direction boys. I read about how she is faced with the lifelong turmoil of being cursed with such god damn pretty features and became puzzled. I’m sure many of you had the same initial reaction as me… “Have these lot mixed the pictures up here or what?”

I was certain that the pictures I was looking at were actually taken from a standard Daily Mail “My IVF at age 50 was a success“ type story or something … and that the aforementioned beautiful woman’s photos must have been accidentally misplaced. But no. The photos were indeed of Samatha Brick and she truly believes that she is God’s Gift.

I was amazed. She genuinely believes that she is really beautiful. She’s average. A Plain Jane.

She genuinely believes that other women dislike her for her looks. Nothing at all to do with her being an arrogant, egotistical, crazed lunatic then?

I won't sit here and slate her and call her all the names under the sun, as that has been done.

However, I will offer a few "truths" behind some of her claims:

1) “Men pay for my taxi fares” … Yes probably to get rid of you the morning after a bad ten to two mistake.

2) “Men stop me in the street and give me flowers” …. Yes, anything to cover up that snarling grid of yours. You've got teeth like Wayne Rooney's brother.

3) “Ladies blank me as they think I will steal their husbands.” … You probably did, didn’t you? Yer bad slag.

4) “An airline pilot sent a stewardess to me with a bottle of champagne when I boarded a plane” .. Yes.. but it was empty and she did glass you with it. How many stitches did you need?

So when the whole of Twitter started to die laughing at her claims, and tweet that she was in fact nothing special, how does she react? Does she go “Oh dear, I must have really over inflated my own opinion of myself?” … Nope. She says that we are proving her right. We all hate her for being beautiful.

Dear lord… When is she going to realise that she just isn’t?
Has anyone sent her a mirror?! Are Specsavers PR Team on to her yet? Getting her in for an eye test?

And then today she releases some new photos on The Daily Mail, to convince us of her beauty.. except she’s got a kench like she’s been taking advantage of The Pound Bakery’s offers a little too often, washed down with a pint of full fat coke. #Fail

And her clothes? She looks like a bad Marks&Spencers advert really doesn't she. So very Mummsy and nothing at all sexy about her. At all. #DoubleFail

My favourite phrase of this whole saga entire was tweeted to me by one of my followers; (Can't remember who, sorry)

“She’s got a face like a bucket of smashed crabs”.

How perfect is that phrase?

Oh and one final note: If her handlebar-moustached denim shirt wearing French husband doesn’t star in gay porn, then I will be damned. He is a “bear” if ever I’ve seen one. And trust me I’ve seen one. *deletes internet history*

Happy Easter everyone .. JC x x

My thoughts on people who panic bought petrol

2012-03-30T14:27:00.002+01:00

^{If you panic bought petrol, then, in a nutshell,
you’re a blert who’s been had off big time.}

^{If you genuinely had to queue coz you were
running on fumes and you needed a tenner’s worth to get you to yer bird’s
tonight for a nosh. Fair enough.}

^{I shall now digress, should you care to read
on:}

^{1) The thing that annoys me the most about
panic buying petrol is that there isn’t even a strike. All the truckers are on the radio saying “Yeh
we aren’t even striking yet.” What ‘s actually
happened is a load of MP’s have chatted shite trying to get us all to panic and
fork out a few extra million quid to line their pockets before the end of the financial
year. Quite simple really. This panic
buying will have quite literally just boosted the Government’s tax revenue by a
good few million this financial year. They’ll all be sitting off now in the Houses
of Parliament laughing their inadequate cocks off watching a giant screen with
the running total going up and up and up.
Then they’ll all be sooooo triumphantly happy and power crazed that they
will start a game of Soggy Biscuit, and that will then lead to them scatting on each other
and all sorts, some work experience lad will walk in on it all and then a multi
million pound cover up operation will commence, using taxpayers funds. Nice one.

2) The thing that annoys me second most
is if you’re the kind of person who has panic bought petrol and filled your
tank up so much that you couldn’t even fit a woodlice’s cock in there now, then you’re possibly the type of person who
has a wind up torch and variety of tinned food stashed under the stairs in case
of an apocalypse. I cannot think for the life of me what tinned fucking food I’d
want to eat if the world was ending. I’d want a steak. Steak and chips. With
onion rings. And a pint. That would be
my “end of the world food”... Not some tinned peaches and cold beans. And
what the fuck is a wind up torch gonna do for me, moments before I am burned to
a crisp by a giant fire ball? What-the-fuck-what will I want to do with a wind up torch? Read a book? Do a crossword? No. No I would
not.}

^{3) And the thing that really baffles me so
much that my arse hole hurts is...... What’s THE WORST that would happen if YOU
ran out of petty? Really?}

^{Is yer telly gonna stop working? No.}

^{Is the
footy gonna be off at the weekend? No.}

^{Is the takeaway gonna run out of chicken sweet
and sour with egg fried rice? No.}

^{The worst thing that could possibly happen is
that YOU wouldn’t be able to drive to
work. Which, if you’re a decent scouser,
is a belter.}

^{If I was in routine employment I would be
doing everything I could to run out of petrol so I could bail off from work ..
I’d be running my Nan the bingo and back, I’d lend @TinheadFTM my car so he
could go drag racing down The Strand... I’d even leave the engine running on the
drive... all so I could run out of petrol and be “stuck at home, soz boss, no
petty like have I?”}

^{SO .... Basically .. if you went and panic
bought petrol you should hang your head in shame. If you know someone who panic
bought petrol then terror them accordingly for all the reasons above. Or let their tyres down so they cant go
anywhere after all. That’ll teach them.}

^{Laterz lids}

^{JC x}

AN OPEN LETTER TO TULISA

2012-03-27T13:18:00.000+01:00

Dear Tulisa,

I write regarding The Video a.k.a Your Sex Tape

I’ve been trying my best to let this go, and to not have to put pen to paper... but then you went and did your “woe is you” video “setting the record straight”, and now you’re on about suing this MC Wotsit for £100k in damages etc... And I can no longer keep my silence.

I appreciate that having a sex tape released is a traumatic event. I am all too familiar with the experience myself. You will be too young to remember the scandal in the early 90s involving me, a certain TV weatherman and a VHS that somehow made its way out of my house and in to the hands of my ‘ so called best mate’ Sinbad. Took me a while to forgive him, and my Mum never spoke to me ever again... Anyway, back to you, and your nosh tape.

I don’t find the fact that your Ex leaked the tape surprising in the slightest. You’re famous and his cock is nothing to be shy about – so why wouldn’t he?

What I do find surprising is that a bit of a bad slag like yourself, who has obviously been getting back ended since the first year of high school, is SOOOOO TERRIBLE at noshing off a cock.

I mean.... really? What were you doing?

It’s like a 6 minute show reel of ‘How NOT to Suck Cock’. If someone said to me: “Hey, big boy what do you want me to do to you tonight?”.. I’d say “NOT THIS” and refer them to your video accordingly.

Like, what the actual fuck possessed you to slap the purple headed warrior against your head? How was that of sexual benefit to him or you? You were just procrastinating really, weren’t you? Doing whatever you could to avoid actually putting the one eyed monster in your mouth.

And the spitting? Oh dear lord the spitting! Did you think you were stood waiting for a bus or something? In which part of ChavLand is: “I’m gonna do a massive greb right on your jap’s eye” a turn on?

If someone did that to me, I wouldn’t thank them for it. I’d get right on to Davy Liver taxis via the priority line and get them a ride home to their council house.

Had you actually done it properly and put the full shaft in your mouth instead of licking it tentatively like a lolly ice that’s too cold .. you wouldn’t need to lube with spit, the natural juices would be flowing. Throw a bit of deep throat action in the mix and you’re laughing. But no. You just licked around and spat like a bad virgin who’s never even seen a bell end before.

Oh and then the hand action? Jesus girl it’s a cock not a can of spray paint. Calm down with the choke the chicken before you tear it off. Surprised he wasn’t crying. I’d rather dip mine in vinegar.

And then my ultimate favourite comedy moment was when you randomly whapped your left tit out, considered a tit wank, realised you couldn’t coz of the angle and then bailed and just left it hanging there. Yer nipple wasn’t even hard was it? What an #ULTIMATEFAIL

All then... on top of all the above ...the SHEER HIDEOUSNESS of that pink velour trakky you were wearing to do said deed? Had you no mirrors? Is it any wonder he didn’t shoot his load?

I would have quite literally killed myself if I was so very bad at sexual acts and the whole world seen a tape of it.

I was delighted to hear you had released an apology video. I watched it with interest, waiting for the line: “I am really shit at sucking cock, I see that now, and I apologise to all men out there who were offended by this”... but it never came (like yer ex ... waaayheeyyy)

How you can sit there in your “woe is you” video and refer to slapping a cock against your head and grebbing on it as an “INTIMATE MOMENT” I will never know. Its about as intimate as a shot gun up the arse in broad daylight.

And now you have the ultimate cheek in trying to sue your ex for £100k in damages? WHAT PLANET ARE YOU ON? Have you WATCHED the tape? I strongly believe that MC Ultra should be the one getting £100k in damages for having put up with such a bad bad bad bad bad blowie. Bet the poor lad is scared for life. Bet he has to wank in to a sock in the dark, otherwise the memories haunt him.

In summary, I sincerely hope that you have revised your technique since this tragic event. And should you win the £100k in damages, I recommend you invest in a How To Suck Cock Properly Course, to ensure that repeat incidents do not occur.

Good day, yer bad slag,

Jimmy Corkhill

Being Blocked By Imogen Thomas

2012-03-16T12:59:00.000Z

My thoughts on being blocked by Imogen Thomas:

So ... I tweeted @Imogen_Thomas and @CharlotteChurch to ask if this was theirs:

That Chazza ‘Voice of an Angel’ Church hasn’t replied yet... Probably busy smoking outside The Asda or something. But for some reason, the right honourable role model of society Imogen Thomas took it upon herself to block me:

Ok so ... my initial reaction was this:

“HAHAHAHAHAHA NOT ARSED !!”

And then I knocked out a few quick off the mark tweets about me and Ryan Giggs now having more in common than a bald patch.

.... But then I thought about it a little more as I munched on a nice packed of crisp, and, well I had to ‘Ponder the Point’ of whether she has any right to take the moral high ground over a bit of Twitter banter?

Correct me if I am wrong, but this is the very same Imogen Thomas made most famous for being a home wrecking slag, yes?

The very same Imogen Thomas who repeatedly managed to open wide for Ryan Cunting Giggs, yes?

The very same Imogen Thomas who then tried to blackmail Giggs (not that I would piss on him if he was on fire like) about going the papers with a kiss and tell, yes?

The very same Imogen Thomas who then sold her story and caused that high court drama with the whole Giggs Being Named On Twitter saga, yes?

And the very same attention-fucking-seeking shaft-whore Imogen Thomas who tweeted this very picture just a matter of days ago, yes?

Oh yes, Saint Imogen of Cock, it quite clear that you only use Twitter for professional purposes and encourage no forms of banter / abuse. Yes. Of course.

Have a fucking word with yourself, you fame hungry slagamadagama ...

You’re just a blag Catherine Zeta Jones anyway, like... Jog on.

My thoughts on Justin Fucking Bieber

2012-03-05T13:13:00.002Z

Justin Fucking Bieber has landed a $10.8m house on Hollywood Hills.

Let me explain my feelings about Justin Fucking Bieber.

In a nutshell, I quite literally despise the whiney little bumfluff-lipped jizz rag.

- When the adverts for his god awful Christmas album came on telly I would press mute and shut my eyes so fast you’d think it was a sex tape featuring our Lindsay or something. #EveryDadsWorstNightmare.

- When he pranced around making an utter bad bell of himself on stage with the right honourable Stevie Wonder on the XFactor USA final show, I had to take such deep breaths you’d have thought I was in labour. If Stevie Wonder could see fuck all he would have swung for him, tellin yer.

- When you get all these screaming teenage “Beliebers” on Twitter making him trend every single day in some form or another... it makes me want to go to Twitter HQ wherever the fuck that is and beat the living shit out every single person who allows it with an old splintery cricket bat covered in AIDS and dog diarrhoea.

So yeh, I don’t like him much... so I have spent months and months trying to ignore the fact he even exists. But now ... Here I am innocently reading the Mail Online and I find out the little feltch remnant has landed this £10.8m house and my hatred has risen to another level completely.

What the CuntingFUCK does a midget little only-just-18-year-old need a house like this for?

Surely that pool edge is dangerous for a fucking toddler? And the open fire has got to be a no-no?

What the CuntingFuck does a scrawny little fuck with NO PUBES need a bedroom like this for?

For all that sex he ISN'T going to have??? He looks too young to even wank?! Bet he almost reaches jizzing point and just pisses everywhere.

And what the CuntingCuntingCuntyFuck does he need a dining table like this for?

His McCains Potato Smiley Faces and Alphabetti Spaghetti will look the part on there wont they, the fucking whopper.

I’m gonna have to go and lie down.

Laters

Hollister: What a cunt of a shop

2012-03-01T15:36:00.000Z

On a nice spring day like today, what is an ‘in-between roles ‘ soap character like me to do other than hop on the bus to town for a mooch round the shops and enjoy a few bevies with old friends?

I fancied myself a new pair of denims, as my favourite stone wash Wranglers are getting a bit old now, so I was wandering through Liverpool One trying to find this G-Star shop that @TinheadFTM recommended and I came across this strange smell. It smelled like the scent of really pretentious rich teenagers who would pay more for a popped collar polo shirt than I paid for my first car.

I looked to my left to see where this overpowering odour was coming from, and saw some kind of strange surf shack / beach house thing, with loud funky music blasting out of the dark window shutters.

“What. The. Fuck’s. This?” I said to my double denimed self. I thought it was a nightclub or something, so popped in for a Babycham.

“Hey, welcome to Hollister” goes this posh-non-scouse- bird wearing a checked shirt 4 sizes too big for her and some denim hotpants. *note to self: get some of those hotpants for Summer* I just about heard her over the ear-rapingly loud music.

Once my eyes had adjusted to the fact that it’s darker than a Chilean mine shaft in there, I realised I wasn’t in a bar, but was actually in some fucked up Californian fraternity house type shop that would fit right in on the set of the 90210 remake.

Piles of overpriced t-shirts resting neatly on a dining table that defo used to be me Nan’s... A load of trackies rolled up stored in a bookcase ... A load of hoodies folded with a ruler and spirit level placed on a rustic wooden bench... fuck me.. Never seen such bad grip in my life.

“Hey, what’s up.” Goes this open shirted-non-scouse-bloke.

“I’ll tell you what’s up, I can’t see fuck all, I can’t hear myself think, and WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PLACE? And why can’t you just turn the big light on?”

Instead of answering me, the beaut just flexed his muscles and flashed his Hollywood smile.

I was then distracted by two lads trying to decide which t-shirt was most, and I quote, “epic”. Who the fuck calls a T-shirt epic? I’ll tell you who DOESN’T... scousers! These two were obviously Uni students who need to bail the fuck out of Liverpool the day they graduate before they end up another statistic on the Echo’s gun crime map.

Another waft of aftershave (Eau de Pretentious) came through the air conditioning and I nearly vommed, I had to get out of this non-scouse hell hole and fast. But then I seen that the shopping bags have a proper fit guy with no top on them, so I had to buy something didn’t I.

Ended up with this monstrosity..... --->

Thought it was beige coz of the light in there, didn’t I. Turns out its the colour of a Mr Kipling lemon fondant fancy and now @TinheadFTM is calling me “a bad nonce and a wool combined”.

Moral of the story is...

Hollister is not scouse.

Hollister = wool

Popped collars = wool

Clothes that are solid primary colours = wool

Wanting to look like you're off the set of 90210 = wool

Saying a tshirt is epic = ThunderCuntish

The Birkenhead Tranny

2012-02-22T12:43:00.000Z

Those of you who have had the necessity to frequent The Wirral every now and then may at some point have had the extreme pleasure of seeing Stephanie The Birkenhead Tranny.

Often seen riding her / his bike along past The Pyramids or such like, our Steph, The Birkenhead Tranny, is the most graceful and convincing Tranny I have ever encountered. She /he is a regular at Ladies Day and looks a treat next to Colleen Rooney and other Scousewives.

If you haven’t been lucky enough to see her / him pedalling along on her / his push bike, then you are in for a treat with the below YouTube video, uploaded by some kind soul:

Now, those who saw my twitter yesterday may have seen me give a warm welcome to Steph as she / he joined twitter. You should give him/ her a follow for some size 10 heel wearing banter: @BirkenhdTranny

I had a bit of Twitter fun with her yesterday, in which I quickly established that Gary Neville still visits her on the reggers for #SuspenderAndWhipFun. Good to know.

After this banter, she was on my mind yesterday evening and as me and the Brookie Poker Crew flicked between the Chelsea match, Gypsy Weddings and The Brits.. I couldn’t help but notice that Our Steph is a dead ringer for that Florence and The Machine chap:

Quite literally a mirror image. Is right.

So, the moral of the story is: get on @BirkenhdTranny on Twitter and give her / him a shout if you need a Florence and The Machine double at a kids party or something.

Inabit x

Dear Rupert Murdoch, NO !

2012-02-20T08:29:00.001Z

Dear Rupert Murdoch,

I have just woken up to hear that your group has oh so kindly confirmed that The S*n on Sunday will be launched this coming Sunday, by sensitively plastering the news over The S*n's front page.

Do you or your news group not know, or care, that this is a terrible insult to all the families still awaiting Justice for the 96?

I for one feel physically sick at the thought of you strengthening this sham of a newspaper. It is the last thing that Merseyside wants to see.

Rupert, if Twitter had been around back around the fateful time of the Hillsborough disaster, and when said sham of a paper printed such disgusting lies under the shameful title of THE TRUTH ----- the paper would have been forced to close.

We can only hope that the power of Twitter and the passion of the #JFT96 cause today can stop / delay / make you think twice about the launch of The S*n on Sunday.

#SayNoToTheSunOnSunday

Comment below & tweet the link of this page to @RupertMurdoch

The whole Piers thing

2012-02-17T13:07:00.002Z

“Greetings blog world”.. or something like that.

I’m yet to find a suitable greeting that I feel comfortable actually writing.... “Alriggghhht laaaaa” sounds great in real life, but written down it looks like my keyboard is stuck. Which it is.... But that’s another matter. *deletes internet history*

Anyway, I just thought I’d lash out another blog post and see what happens this time!

First off, thanks everyone for reading my Open Letter To Piers Morgan on Tuesday. I am still in extreme pain from laughing my cock and balls off at the fact that the egotistical moron actually read it and RETWEETED it to his 1.8million followers.

So far it’s had over 19,500 views and it is still getting retweeted now. Of everyone who replied to me on Twitter about it, honestly, like 95% of people agreed with me that the man is indeed a cunt of the highest order, and all replied to him in the tweet too..so he got to see hundreds of people all agreeing that he is the very tip of a bell end. Nice one yooooz lot. #MutualPiersHaters

I also got a few #PiersArseLickers defending him .. and then a few general haters reckoning that:

1 – I am an attention seeker, who wrote the blog for attention.

INCORRECT, fact fans... I wrote it because, quite simply, Piers Morgan is a cunt.

p.s... I get enough attention thanks. I can’t walk round town without getting one of the following phrases shouted at me: “Jimmmmmy lad” .. “Where’s Sinbad?” .... “Where’s Fred The Weatherman?” .. “Steer clear from my patio, lad” etc.

2 – I was desperate for followers, and wrote it to gain followers.

INCORRECT, fact fans... I wrote it because, how do I put this, Piers Morgan is a cunt.

p.s... I have already got more followers than I can keep up with. But hello to all my new followers and #MutualPiersHaters that are a happy coincidence of writing the blog.

3 – I am jealous of Piers Morgan.

INCORRECT, fact fans...again, I wrote it because Piers Morgan is ..*drum roll*... a cunt.

p.s... There’s more chance of me being jealous of a tramp with facial herpes. Telling’ yer.. If God or @JesusChristFTM rocked up and asked me if I would rather be a starving Ethiopian, an aids ridden Man Utd supporting rat (@GNev2) or Piers Morgan... I’d go for the Ethiopian. At least I’d have a big cock with that option.

4 – I am a washed up soap star that is fully devvo’d to not be famous anymore.

INCORRECT, fact fans... I wrote it because Piers Morgan is a cunt. Get the picture?

p.s ... Those of you with more than 3 brain cells will know that I am not actually a washed up soap star. I am still a regular on TV aren’t I? If you didn’t see my appearance on Channel 4’s Come Dine With Me recently then you missed out big time.

So.. my message to those people is turn it in and just face up to the indisputable fact that Piers Morgan is a cunt.

There is, however, one thing that I left out of the letter that I’ve been kicking myself about... I proper wanted to tell him that he LOOKS like he can’t dance. You know when you look at someone and you can just tell that they have got the rhythm and movements of an epileptic having a fit whilst driving a go cart over some cobbles and a cattle grid? Yeh... that.

Now moving on, I hate a lot of people. Not just Piersy Lad. A load of you have been asking me to lash out a few more Open Letters and nominating candidates. Bono is the favourite so far. I could tear that perma-sunglass wearing numb nut a new one pretty easily, couldn’t I?

I will see what I can rustle up next week.

Oh one final thing... A picture paints a thousand words. This one paints that Piers Morgan is a cunt: http://bit.ly/zLmxJ2

Laters kids

JC x x

AN OPEN LETTER TO PIERS MORGAN

2012-02-14T13:14:00.004Z

AN OPEN LETTER TO PIERS MORGAN

Dear Piers,

Whatever happened to you at that posh private school you went to? Were you bog flushed on multiple occasions? Locked in cupboards for hours on end? Was your teddy bear beheaded? Were you de-kecked in front of hundreds of people? Did you get forced to eat the ‘soggy biscuit’?

I ask these questions not because I care about your troubled childhood in the slightest, but because I wonder what is behind you growing in to a despicable, embarrassment of a man.

You genuinely make me cringe so hard that my testicles invert.

“Why?” I hear you ask as you check your Twitter for “top blokey banter” from Alan Sugar. Because you are quite literally the definition of an UtterTwunt.

There are a million and one reasons why you are the definition of an UtterTwunt. I can feel my blood pressure rising just thinking them through. I will probably end up dead if I write too much.

I deliberately swerve you on TV. As soon as your face appears doing one of those god awful manufactured life stories programmes with some FameRat like Peter Andre where you just talk over them anyway and hardly let them answer, etc – the TV goes off.

But what I can’t avoid is your god awful tweeting, even though I don’t follow you, it keeps getting retweeted in to my timeline. To be honest, I did follow you one time, just so I could UNFOLLOW you immediately to see if it gave me any respite from this eternal hatred. It did, for about 10 seconds, then I hated you even more.

Annoyingly, I am a glutton for punishment, I see one of your tweets RT’d into my timeline and I just have to open it up and read it. And time after time, I see you doing one of three things:

1) Namedropping a massive celeb, like a desperate Z-lister would / RTing a “praise” tweet from an aforementioned massive celeb like a desperate Z-lister would.

2) Chatting shit about how great you are, how many followers you have, how many viewers your chat show has, how many countries it is broadcast to..etc.

3) Continuing to embarrass yourself by having “top blokey banter” with footballers that hate you / people that hate you / Alan Sugar who hates you etc.

What annoys me the most is that you are AWFUL at “banter”. Your comebacks are just so awful and cringe worthy, you act like a stuck up rich boy at private school, trying to defend himself from bog-flushing, de-kecking, cupboard locking and soggy biscuit eating. Hence my opening lines.

You are SO BAD that you make the likes of Rio Ferdinand, Michael Owen and Wayne Rooney look good. You make them look like they have won; which of course makes my blood boil so much that my ears whistle, as they are all absolute CuntKnuckles.

Stop correcting their spelling and grammar. They are footballers – they aren’t meant to be able to spell. Stop getting the red pen out and how’s about you actually lash a proper insult their way. Tell Rooney that he looks like he got his hair cut in St. Helens for a fiver. Tell him that you’ve upped the security at your Mum’s nursing home so he doesn’t go and back end her. And tell Rio that his top lip proper looks like a slug. In fact, tell him that his mouth actually looks like a badly packed kebab. Tell him that his Mrs has GOT a badly packed kebab. And as for the Welsh Midget, surely you can muster something up about curling out a shit that was bigger than his entire body or something? Or something about United extending his contract, by putting a piece of paper at the bottom saying “he’s shit” ?

Meanwhile, the thought of you broadcasting to millions of Americans in your newfound CNN fame makes me ill, purely because the WHOLE of America will think all English men are absolute bell ends. Simon Cowell and you are flying the flag. Good job I’m scouse and not English, isn’t it Piersy?

One other massive thing that infuriates the balls off me:

You called your three sons Spencer, Stanley and Albert. What kind of chance do they have of NOT BEING TWATS with names like that, and a Dad like you? And even more annoyingly, combined, they sound like an utterly thundercuntish estate agents, or investment firm ... “Good Morning, Spencer Stanley Albert, how may I help you?”

And one last thing, if, heaven forbid, I was an Arsenal fan, I’d get a petition going to get some kind of court order preventing you from associating yourself with the club.

Good day to you, you massive massive blert,

Jimmy Corkhill x

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Gorrrra blog aven't I

2012-02-14T11:51:00.000Z

Alright derrrr ...

Seeing as though @TinheadFTM and @JesusChristFTM have set up blogs so they can do MASSIVE RANTS and that ... I thought I would be a bad CopyTwat™ and get on one too. Sozzz lads x

So here it is ! My blog.

Blogs are evidently a BOSS way of doing much longer rants than on Twitter. I will be able to fully express my feelings and my general celeb terroring so much more eloquently in more than 140 characters won’t I?

Inabit