Adoption Journey

She made contact

2012-01-15T14:31:00.000-04:00

Our social worker from the agency called to double check our mailing address. They had a meeting with J, M's birth mom, and she wanted to send us a package. They told us it was something very special - a recording.

I remember thinking "She wants to send us something? Oh, my God... This is huge! A package? With a recording? Oh wow..."

They told us she was doing well, working... They said she was very sure of her decision to place M with us. When I heard that I was brought to tears...

As I hung up I realized my prayers had been answered. While I wanted to jump up and down of joy, and scream at the top of my lungs "She made contact!" I just couldn't. I was shaking, and the feeling was of utter joy, but so incredibly overwhelming, that I could only have a peaceful cry.

I checked the mail every day - something I never do (I hate bills). When it finally arrived I called Fico and we were lucky he was just 2 minutes away, because I could not bear to wait any longer.

We opened it... I actually thought it was going to be a video, but it turned out to be something else, something just so special. It was a book, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, A Bedtime Story - Mariela's absolute favorite! The thing is that the book was recorded by J. Her voice. My daughter's birth mom's voice! J has always been a part of M's bedtime stories, but to have one told in her voice is just, ugh... Amazing!

There was also a Hello Kitty doll, dressed up in Christmas themed clothes. Mariela is crazy about Hello Kitty! (I bet J is too.) There were also two Christmas cards, one for us and one for Mariela, signed by her. We both cried as we read what she wrote. Beautiful, heartwarming words...

We're so happy to get something from her, something so personal. All we had to show M from her birth mom was a couple of pictures we took the day we met her and her signature on the adoption papers. Now she has a bedtime story, beautiful heartfelt words in her handwriting, and a doll to snuggle with while she listens to her voice.

I'm overwhelmed with happiness and gratitude... Blessings abound. Love so immense, so intense, my heart hurts... Peace warms my soul. I have no words to describe what I'm feeling... But all is good. God is good.

Adoption Bloggers Interview Project 2011

2011-11-17T22:14:00.001-04:00

Today is the big day! More than 120 adoption bloggers were paired to interview each other and are posting their interviews today as part of the Adoption Bloggers Interview Project, organized byHeather, of Production Not Reproduction.

As Heather puts it, "One of the Interview Project's goals is to get us reading outside of our usual blog circles." That is exactly what happened, and I'm so glad I was paired with Megan, from TTABaby.

Megan and her husband are currently waiting to be matched. I read almost every post in Megan's blog. I found myself in many of her posts. She is a very brave adoption blogger. She tells her story as it is and honestly shares her feelings as they are at every moment of her journey.

Below is my interview with megan. You can check out other great interviews here. Don't forget to hop over Megan's blog to read my interview too.

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How did your family handle the adoption news? I know you invited them to write a page on your family profile (dear birthparent book). Who sent their responses? Who didn't? How do you feel about what they wrote? How about the ones who didn't? How is it now, more than one year after your announcement?

I wish I had been blogging more regularly at the point in which we made the announcement. I also feel like we didn't make a big announcement. With my family it was a process of talking about infertility and the tests that we did. As each test came back abnormal the more we discussed adoption. I recall at one point my mother asked me when she could start telling people she was going to be a grandmother. I told her it was up to her but it could be a long time.   

My parent in-laws were not ready to hear we had chosen to skip infertility treatments. At the time I felt like they were unhappy about the adoption but now I am coming around to the idea that they were just not ready yet. I had a feeling this might happen and as test results we felt comfortable sharing came in we shared them with my in-laws to help prepare them. When we finally told them we were meeting with the agency for an informational interview they expressed that we should try infertility treatments. I informed them that our decision was to pursue adoption.  

I'm glad we had our families participate in making pages. Everyone in our immediate families made pages (parents, sisters, brothers). We only have one living grandparent between us and she is not in a position cognitively to create a page so I included her in my page. In the end everyone finished their pages. I look forward to being able to share the book with my child showing that their whole family really worked together to bring them to us. I wish there were more opportunities to bring in the extended family into the wait.   

A year into waiting people are more understanding of the process and waiting though we continue to have to remind them that we have no news but that could change very quickly. My mother-in-law yesterday when I was setting up a time to go baby supply shopping with her mentioned that we should consider what we might want in a crib for our second baby! Part of waiting is remembering that everyone waits differently and our whole family is waiting not just us.

One of the hardest things I had to deal with while we were waiting was pregnancy announcements. All my friends were getting pregnant.

I dragged myself to baby showers. I was happy for them, but I was grieving, letting go of the possibility of ever carrying a child in my womb. How are you handling it?  

At this point we go to weddings and wonder how long it will be before we are invited to to their baby shower and what the chances are we will still be waiting. I've had to say that on a whole I've avoided the showers. I usually have had a legitimate excuse (like I work weekends) though some have been self created (one I planned for my sister to come that weekend). Its not that I'm not happy for my friends, I'm thrilled for them that they did not have to go through the struggle we did! Situations that surround babies often bring out comments that I'd just rather avoid. I guess as a whole I am handling it via avoidance.

I get my own share of weird/insensitive comments about adoption. I post them every once in a while on my blog in a series called "People say the darndest things". What has been the craziest thing someone has said to you about adoption? How have you responded?

I LOVE your People Say the Darndest Things posts! You have better lines for turning the question back at them then I do. I blogged recently about ignorance and adoption. My trouble is that its not always ignorance but a lack of thought. I know that many people are interested in what we are going through and want to be supportive. This is new for most of our friends as we are the first to adopt (We are young so I anticipate we wont be the last). I understand at times its hard for formulate the question in a way thats sensitive... but THINK before you speak!! No one ever had to be educated that its rude to ask someone that is pregnant how much they weigh.

I have a tendency to answer the question in a way that ignores the initial rudeness. For example when people ask if we are going to take a drug baby. I will share with them that we have a check list which allowed us to pick if drug use during the pregnancy is acceptable. I also share with them that many birthmothers are not using drugs. I confirm nor deny the question but indicate that its not something I'm going to tell them.

The craziest thing someone has said...thats tough! I think there are three comments that have really gotten to me primarily because of who they were: one from my MIL, one from the pediatrician and one from a friend. When I told a friend from grad school we were adopting her response was "Are you OK with that?" I informed her we were excited and waiting. I was civil to her the rest of that weekend but I have not spoken to her sense nor do I plan on it. (Her later comments about breast feeding made me realize she wasn't worth educating).

Just like you mentioned once, it always seems like EVERYONE knows someone who adopted and then got pregnant. It was annoying to hear this while we were waiting. Even if it happens and it will double your blessings, do you ever feel like hoping it never happens just to prove them wrong? Do you still struggle with accepting your infertility?

As I mentioned in that post my own minister is "one of those people." I know it's possible for some people but I don't hold any hope. If it happened it would be a double blessing; however I also wish to prove them wrong! Is it possible? Anything is possible its not probable. For us it was a choice between IVF or adoption we couldn't do both. The doctors indicated that our chances were good with IVF but I wasn't convinced based on our test results. The doctors also had told us many other things that should/could work that didn't.

I don't think I will accept our infertility but I can live with it. I had been told when I was younger that I likely wouldn't be able to have children so at the start of our dating relationship I already had spoken to DH about adoption and my "risk" of infertility. Funny thing is what I was told was my "problem" was not our problem at all. Its not something I can change but something that is part of us.

It does at times creep up on me. I also feel though that its hard to sort out the desperation of waiting and the frustration of infertility. When it does hit me I physically feel the emotion of sadness starting as a pit in my stomach that rises up to my throat and fills my eyes with tears.

What made you decide to wait to have a baby shower until after the arrival of your baby?

My mother-in-law plans on throwing one once the baby is born. I'm glad we didn't have one the first year because we are still waiting. As I hope our time gets closer I do think it would be nice to ask her to have it sooner rather then later. It also seems like a strange idea to have a baby at the baby shower. The other half of me is cautious what if our wait is another year? Also like yellow and green, but a co-worker of DH's kept the sex of her baby secret and everything is yellow and green! Since we dont know the sex of our baby holding off means maybe we can get some pink and blue. I have painted the nursery and have a general theme. I have received things from people here and there mainly I think as ways for people to tell me they are thinking about me.

Why is it so important for you to breast feed? On a recent blog post you said "It's about doing what any parents would do which is at least try to do what they believe is best for their child." That may in part answer my question, but I wonder... Are you worried about bonding with your child or is it because of the nutritional/health benefits for baby? Or is it to "fit in"? Perhaps get another of the "female benefits of pregnancy", as you once said?

I have explored of the idea that I want to breastfeed because thats what women who become pregnant do. I am sure that there is a small part of me that wants to have the same options as "everyone else." I also am the daughter of a lactation consultant where the importance of breastfeeding was stressed our whole lives. When I was 21 I had a reduction surgery and specifically found a surgeon that would preserve my ability to breast feed, which I don't think is on the mind of most 21 year old women.

I think when I first was coming to terms with our infertility and decided to pursue adoption I was honestly heart broken that I would have to formula feed my baby. When I was told induction was a possibility this grief was lifted. I personally know two mothers who tried to induce lactation one was successful and the other felt it was too overwhelming. Will I be successful I dont know, but I feel like I have to at least try! I really feel strongly that breast milk even for the shortest time is important to a child's development of their immune system. It's not right for every family, but I feel like its right for ours.

You submitted your questions before I did and I want to ask one of the same questions you asked: "If you were stranded on an island with your DH what material item would you want with you? And why?"

My phone!! That way when we get the call that we have a baby I'll be able to let them know we would be a tad delayed, but would start swimming immediately! :)

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Thank you so much, Megan! :o)

People say the darndest things #5

2011-11-05T13:50:00.000-04:00

I recently took hubs and baby to the ER. A stomach bug had attacked our family. My MIL was hospitalized, my FIL and SIL were also sick... Good thing I was fine and able to get them both to the hospital.

We went to the children's hospital. Yes, they were both seen by a pediatrician. :oP The doctor checked her out first and asked all sorts of questions.

"How old is she?"

"She's two - 25 months, to be exact."

"How long has she been like this?"

"About three days."

"Have you been traveling?"

"No."

"No? Ok... Has she been under your care all the time?"

I thought he was trying to figure out something. First the traveling question and now this. This guy thought we just arrived from picking up our daughter from another country...

"Well, my mom and my MIL take care of her for a few hours every day, and my MIL is sick as well. She's at the hospital right now."

"Hmm..."

He paused for a moment.

"So, where is she from?"

Bingo! He was trying to figure out something alright...

"Why do you ask?"

"Well, I uh..." he said, pointing at her eyes with his pen. (Idiot...)

"Is it because her eyes?"

"Yes."

"She's from Orlando, Florida."

He gave me a puzzled look... My intentions, exactly.

"How long have you had her?"

"We picked her up at the hospital."

"Really?"

"Yes. Now, what are we going to do about this? Is she getting tests? An IV? What?"

I just wanted to get over this conversation.

BUUUUT, that wasn't the end of it. After he saw my husband and they were set up in a curtain room, IVs in place, blood work done, etc, he came back. Nope, not to check on them. He had more questions up his sleeve.

"So, how did you find such a beautiful girl?"

I took a deep breath and put un the adoption ambassador hat. This guy was getting on my nerves, but if he's so ignorant, I might as well teach him something.

"We didn't find her. She found us. We were chosen by her birth parents to be her adoptive parents."

"What did you do, fill out an application or something?"

"It's much more complicated than that. We went to an adoption agency, they did a home study, we waited for a year..."

He then interrupted me.

"Oh, I'm sure it's complicated."

And yes, he walked away.

This man was not interested in the adoption process. This man was simply nosy.

I wonder if something like this happens to moms who have given birth. Picture this: A couple walks into the ER with a sick 2 year old baby and the doctor asks "So, did you give birth vaginally? Did you have an episiotomy?" What on Earth does that have to do with their baby being sick??? Those are personal questions, pretty private stuff. The way our family came together is just as personal, just as private.

Anyway, I need to get my radar fixed. Learn the difference between a person who wants to learn about adoption and a curious, nosy one... :o|

Tiny List Post Update

2011-10-30T18:06:00.000-04:00

Wow, it's been a while... I've been so busy. I've been away so long that I log into Blogger and I see they've made a big update to their platform. I'm still working my way around it...

Anyway, you deserve an update. A tiny list post, at least...

M is 2! She is so smart. Loves to learn. She speaks very clearly, makes sentences too long for her age, has an extensive vocabulary, counts to 20, knows the alphabet, the geometric figures, animals... You name it! She's very social. I'm so proud of her...
M received the "RE: Start your Tantrums at 2" memo on her birthday. Thank goodness we had her birthday the day before. Everyone had a blast, specially her. The following morning? Let's just say she gave us proof that the "Terrible Twos" are not a myth.
We have decided to homeschool her. I am a teacher, trained to teach in traditional schools, who has a business that serves the traditional educational system, and after 19 years of experience I just think there's got to be a better way. (BTW, I started my business before graduating college. Im not that old. Well, subtract 5 years from whatever "that" is...)
M is ready for potty training. Let's just say we haven't gotten around it. Now that I'll be able to stay at home more often (I stay with her until 2:00 every day, but now I'll be able to stay the whole day) I'll do the three day approach everyone is talking about. Any tips you can share will be very much appreciated.
After exactly two years in business, we have closed down our 2nd location described on my most popular post. :o( Last Tuesday was our last day open. The economy sucks... We gave everyone the bad news on Wednesday and all the teachers were relocated to the existing location. However, I'm actually at peace with closing it down. This will allow more time to spend with my daughter, less stress because I will be running only one location and more energy for homeschooling. And I'm already enjoying the benefits. I stayed home with M Thursday and Friday. Feels good to have that freedom again. :o)

Book Review - Adoption Nation, by Adam Pertman

2011-04-21T15:32:00.000-04:00

I was asked to review "Adoption Nation - How the Adoption Revolution is Transforming Our Families - and America."

This book is a gem. I could make this very short and sweet and just say this is The Enciclopedia of Adoption.

I learned so much from this book. Adam takes the reader on a historic voyage, fron the 1800's to the present day, telling the story of adoption and how "America is forever changing adoption even as adoption is forever changing america."

He talks about international adoption, foster care, open adoption, adoption law, adoptee access to birth records, feelings and issues of all sides of the triad, society's views on adoption... You name it - if it's adoption related, it's in there. Nothing is left out. Adam shares his views with great detail, mixing in his own experience with personal stories of adoptive parents, adoptees, birth parents and adoption professionals as well as with historical facts.

Armed with honesty, he tells the truth about what is really happening in the adoption world. This book is a definite must-read for anyone considering adoption. I wish I had known about it when we decided to adopt (this is a revised and updated edition). I would've been 150% more prepared than I was when I entered through the doors of our adoption agency. I would've asked the right questions. I would've had a better idea of what our adoption journey would be like. I would have been more informed, empowered with knowledge, from adoption law to understanding the challenges we would face in a society that suffers from ignorance about the reality of adoption.

Adam is an expert in the adoption field and a brilliant, gifted writer. I've read so many books about adoption and never have I come across a piece of work that takes into consideration all sides of the adoption triad with such grace and respect. Plus, everything is put against the backdrop of our society in general.

This is a book that everyone, not only those touched by adoption, will find fascinating. In his book, Adam makes the importance of understanding and educating ourselves on adoption very clear, and makes it easy for the reader to listen.

If you're considering adoption, already an adoptive parent, a birth parent, an adoptee, an adoptee rights advocate, curious about adoption, or not even curious at all, you need to read this book. Trust me, you'll be glad you did.

Check us out! We're on the cover!

2011-04-20T11:56:00.000-04:00

Is this cool or what??? :o)

A quote from what I'm reading

2011-04-03T12:02:00.001-04:00

"It's hard for people to get a perspective of what's happening because o faulty stereotypes and aberrational horror stories that has lead society to form a distorted picture of adoption. [...]The lingering cultural stereotype of birth mothers as uncaring or ignorant young teens who choose adoption to crassly jettison a nettlesome problem is unmitigated and corrosive nonsense."

-Adam Pertman, Adoption Nation: How the Adoption Revolution is Transforming Our Families – and America

Adoption Nation

2011-04-01T12:23:00.001-04:00

I was invited to write a review for an upcoming book tour.

In the meantime, here's the press release with information about the book and author.

Adoption Nation: How adoption is transforming the American family
Country's foremost authority provides answers for 100 million touched by adoption

BOSTON – For generations, Americans have adopted more than 130,000 children annually from within the United States and from abroad. That means more than 100 million people in our country today have adoption in their immediate families – and nearly everyone is connected to this extraordinary, misunderstood, controversial, life-altering institution in some way.

Adoption Nation: How the Adoption Revolution is Transforming Our Families – and America (The Harvard Common Press, April 2011, 352 pages, ISBN 978-1-55832-716-0, $16.95 paperback) takes on the challenge of explaining the historic changes enveloping us all – and does so with a unique combination of engaging prose, gripping stories, insightful perspective and exceptional research.

Its author, Adam Pertman, is one of the most influential experts in his field and Adoption Nation has been called “the most important book ever written on the subject.”

Inspired by his Pulitzer-nominated series while a reporter with the Boston Globe, the first edition of Adoption Nation (2000) captured an important piece of U.S. history and was a game-changer for child welfare professionals, policy-makers, and members of what Pertman calls “the extended family of adoption” (adopted individuals, birth and adoptive relatives).

The new, fully revised edition updates the “adoption revolution” with all of its joys and disappointments, its personal and policy issues, its complexities and controversies.

“There’s no exaggerating how much has occurred over the last decade – from the adoptive mother who recently ‘returned’ her son to Russia, to the children orphaned by the earthquake in Haiti; from the ongoing debate over transracial adoptions, to the still-unregulated Wild West of adoption on the Internet; from the decline in secrecy and shame in adoption, to the explosion of reunions between adopted people and their birth families; and from the precipitous drop in international adoptions to the soaring rise in adoptions of boys and girls from foster care, including by growing numbers of gay and lesbian parents,” said Pertman. “When I looked at the landscape, I felt compelled to do a thorough rewrite of the stories, of the research and of the phenomenon itself.”

More comprehensive, more up-to-date, more moving – and more useful – than any other book on the subject, the new edition of Adoption Nation is an invaluable resource for prospective and current parents and their children. And it is a passionate call-to-arms for equality and social justice, as well as a unique tool for educators, policymakers and professionals.

ADAM PERTMAN is the Executive Director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, the pre-eminent research, policy and education organization in its field. A highly sought-after speaker, Pertman has delivered hundreds of keynotes, trainings and other presentations internationally, and is the recipient of many awards for his work. He is the Associate Editor of Adoption Quarterly and has contributed to numerous publications on family issues. Pertman is widely quoted by journalists and has appeared as a guest on “Oprah,” “Today,” “The View,” “Nightline,” among other national programs. Before embarking on his current career, Pertman was a senior journalist with The Boston Globe for over two decades. He is a member of the Council on Contemporary Families, the editorial advisory board of Adoptive Families magazine, the National Adoption Advisory Committee of the Child Welfare League of America and the Advisory Board of Orphans International, among others. He lives in Massachusetts with his wife and their two children. Learn more at www.adampertman.com.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

People say the darndest things #4 - Too much for a single night.

2011-01-28T11:50:00.000-04:00

When we first brought our baby home our house was always full with family members and close friends. Everyone wanted to come over and visit to meet our precious daughter. It was truly amazing to feel their love pouring in.

Old friends who I haven't seen in a loooong time also wanted to meet M. Courtesy of social networking, I agreed to go a girls plus baby night out at a local restaurant.

As soon as we got there I felt like we were on display. They took pictures that made it instantly to their Facebook walls. By the way they were behaving it seemed like they only wanted to see M. Look at her. As if my daughter and I were rare species on this Earth and they just couldn't miss their chance to see us in person. It's a weird feeling...

We sat down. They started talking about other things, most of it gossip about their friends and family. At one point one of them said "Oh, I'm sure my sister is adopted. I mean, she looks nothing like us. She's the odd duck." I was completely oblivious about these kind of comments before we decided to adopt, I must admit, so I was tolerant and didn't say anything.

It wasn't long before they began to ask all sorts of questions about adoption. I totally expected it. I always enjoy educating people about adoption and was looking forward to it. Then again, you have to know your audience. I could tell this was not going to go as I thought it would. It almost always ends up going nowhere with certain types of "inquisitive" people...

I thought about it for a second and decided to try something new. I gave simple answers to all their questions in an effort to let go of the urge to try to make anyone understand my feelings about adoption. After all, no one ever will, unless they've experienced adoption themselves.

When I talk to people about adoption, specially when it's people I hardly know, or am not that close to, I always end up doing more or less the same kind of dance, and this time was no different. There are some specific things that are always on people's minds.

For instance, the #1 question about adoption: "How much did it cost?" Ugh...

Followed by the #2 question about the adoption process: "Do you get to choose your baby?" I always want to say "Yes, they hand you a catalog. In our case, we looked through the nursery window and got to keep the cutest baby, much like you do in a pet shop." I never say that, of course... I always end up explaining, very politely.

The birthmother myth series of ignorant questions also made it to the table this time...

"Why didn't she want her?"  Want? It isn't a matter of wanting her child or not. It was a very hard decision for her and she wanted the best for her child.

"I could never do that." Most of them were moms, and as I always do, I shared the burning building analogy. It may not be perfect, but it's the best way I can explain the love a mother feels when she decides to place her child for adoption. It's a selfless act of love. Period.

"You met her mom??? Yes, and I'm so grateful I got to meet both of M's birtparents.

Weren't you afraid she would want her back?"  No. In fact, if J shows up at my door I'll just invite her in for a cup of coffee.

"Are you still in touch with her?" No, actually we're not. We send letters and pictures to both her birthparents. We anxiously await for their reply but deeply understand if they don't.

"Oh. So they want nothing to do with M..." It's not that they don't. Everyone has their own way of healing, sometimes it's distance, and only they know what they need at this time.

(Why do people have the need to place a label on birthparents? It's so annoying...)

Then, in came the weird comments:

"I can't believe how much she looks like you." Wow, I can't believe it either, when she looks NOTHING like me!

"I've always wanted to adopt. It's so much easier. Look how great you look!"  Easier?? It's not easy at all... Of course all I wanted to say was "Oooohh, you mean physically easier. Oh, yes, you are so right! I mean, I knew adoption was right for us the moment I heard I didn't need to give birth."  Give me a f***ing break... (And pardon my french.)

"I've always wanted a Chinese girl." "Really? I've always wanted a Miniature Dachshound... And just so you know, my daughter is not Chinese."

And the you-must-be-really-amazing-people-because-you-adopted-and-saved-a-child kind of comments:

"I just think you did a beautiful thing. She's so lucky to have you."  We decided to adopt for the most selfish reason of all - we wanted to be parents. And, no - WE are the lucky ones.

Can you believe all of this happened in less than 20 minutes? It was one question after another. After that we had dinner and I left early with M. We were exhausted! It was too much for a single night...

Letting go of the need to make people understand adoption is new, refreshing and liberating to me. Don't get me wrong - I haven't given up on education. But one thing is to educate and another is to persuade. Adoption made me a MOM, and I'm infinitely grateful. For now, I'm taking a break to enjoy that. People can choose to understand or not.

2010 Readers' Choice Photo Contest - Adoptive Families

2010-11-08T19:27:00.002-04:00

I hate when people do this. They post their baby's adorable picture on this or that contest, share the link, and ask to vote for their baby.

Well, what can I say... We entered the 2010 Adoptive Families Cover Photo Contest. And guess what? We didn't win because we didn't share the link. Yes, that's the reason, because - excuse me - this picture is amazingly beautiful. How it didn't make the cover is simply inexplicable...

Now we have a second chance to win the 2010 Reader's Choice Photo Contest. Our baby is a runner up!

And now I'm doing the unthinkable...

Please...

Go to the link below and vote for my baby!

2010 Readers' Choice Photo Contest - Adoption Photos - Adoptive Families

They'll publish the winners -- those with the most comments -- in a future issue of Adoptive Families magazine and online.

Thanks!

Suddenly she became a toddler

2010-11-07T12:35:00.005-04:00

It's been such a long time since my last post!

I don't have much time to blog anymore. To sum up my reasons, my daughter became a toddler. I keep up with all the blogs I follow every night when I go to bed via Google Reader on my iPhone, but I hardly ever comment because it's not easy to do so from my phone. (I want an iPad!)

Sometimes I blog in my head. I have soooo many things I want to blog about - motherhood, toddlerhood, adoptionhood (if that's even a word)... Also I have to get out of my chest the silly comments that never stop. I promise I'll find the time. Stay tuned. ;o)

I guess a full update report is in order, right? Here we go...

Well, M had her 1st birthday party! We had a great celebration at the same place where, only a year ago, we had her baby shower. All our friends and family members came and we all had a blast! There were plenty of children of all ages and a pretty girl clown who kept us entertained all day long with music, games, and singing. Her cake had butterflies, ladybugs and a queen bumble bee on top. M received lots of gifts and we all had lots of fun.

M started taking her first steps at 11 months, and on her birthday she walked alone for the first time! She gave us a private performance when we were getting ready for the party. We were thrilled! Didn't do it again all day long, but I managed to get the evidence on camera.

Her walking skills got better every day after that and now we have to follow her around, sometimes run after her, since she's very likely to touch, hit, open, close, grab, toss, and put in her mouth anything and everything that catches her eye. Baby proofing hasn’t worked much with her... Oh, and every mischief is always followed by her lovely smile. She has the power to melt your heart...

We loved co-sleeping with her but she now demands her own territory and started kicking us in her sleep... We’ve been letting her sleep on her crib. She's a big girl now!

(Her crib is still in our room but that’s another story...) :oP

Her baby food days are over. We enjoy preparing her food, making up new dishes every time. She loves books, music, and playtime with Canela, our dog. She's a very smart girl.

We had our first Halloween and we dressed her as a ladybug. Last year she was only 2 months and we practically forgot about Halloween. This time we didn't miss a thing!

Adoptive parents say the darndest things

2010-07-15T13:20:00.003-04:00

The way we talk—and the words we choose—say a lot about what we think and value. When we use positive adoption language, we say that adoption is a way to build a family just as birth is. Both are important, but one is not more important than the other.

Choose positive adoption language instead of the negative talk that helps perpetuate the myth that adoption is second best. By using positive adoption language, you’ll reflect the true nature of adoption, free of innuendo.

Words not only convey facts, they also evoke feelings. When a TV movie talks about a "custody battle" between "real parents" and "other parents," society gets the wrong impression that only birthparents are real parents and that adoptive parents aren’t real parents. Members of society may also wrongly conclude that all adoptions are "battles."

Positive adoption language can stop the spread of misconceptions such as these. By using positive adoption language, we educate others about adoption. We choose emotionally "correct" words over emotionally-laden words. We speak and write in positive adoption language with the hopes of impacting others so that this language will someday become the norm.

-Adoptive Families Magazine

The SW that did our home study invited us to a picnic at the beginning of the month for the adoptive families she has worked with and for the prospective adoptive parents she is currently helping. It was the first time we were going to be together with so many families touched by adoption. I was very excited to attend, hoping to make some new connections, share our experience, find support...

As I've said on other blogs, like on Dawn's excellent post about an article she dared to write for Brain Child Magazine, there is a big problem with adoption - lack of post-placement support. Well, not merely lack of support, but COMPLETE ABSENCE of post-placement support. There are no adoption support groups – none whatsoever – in my area, either private or provided by adoption agencies or by the government. There are forums all over the internet, one I know is from my area, but there are very limited resources there. If there was a place where I could reach out in person and find support, much like in an AA meeting, I’d be there! But I haven’t found such place yet.

I talked to our SW about this at the picnic, about starting a support group, but nothing came out of that conversation, only a list of obstacles. Guess I'll stick with my adoption blogger friends for the time being. Very tightly. :o)

When we were looking into adoption we educated ourselves. No one suggested any recommended reading, not even our SWs. No one directed us to a support group or website or forum. We did that entirely on our own. We researched everything available - adoption websites; adoption related blogs, books and magazines; attended adoption webinars and conferences... During the whole process, from the moment we decided to adopt, we've kept ourselves busy learning about adoption, reading stories from all sides of the adoption triad, and we have learned - by heart - positive adoption language (PAL).

I posted the following table on a previous post from last year. Click on the image for a better view.

I'm sure there must be more terms that should be added to this list. I sometimes think hard before I say something just to make sure I don't say anything that's not PAL. I do this for the sake of my daughter and for adoption in general. If you know of something not listed, feel free to share. I'm still learning. :o)

Back to the picnic... I was amazed by the way the adoptive parents talked about adoption. They were wonderful parents, don't get me wrong, but I think they had no idea of what PAL is. However, can I blame them? I sometimes catch our home study SW not using PAL... The agency's SWs, most of them adoptive parents, did speak in PAL.

Here are some of the comments I heard that day:

"Did you meet her mother?" This question came from adoptive parents and waiting families as well. There were about ten families at the picnic, although I'm not entirely sure since they were coming and going all day long. We were the only family formed by domestic infant adoption. Two families we met adopted from foster care. Most children were from Colombia and I heard about one family whose son was from Russia. We met three waiting families that were hoping to adopt through domestic infant adoption. Maybe they asked because meeting birth parents is rare when adopting from foster care or international adoption...
The host has one biological son and one who was adopted. She invited a friend who came with her two children. She pointed at her and said "That one by the pool is my friend X. She's not an adoptive mom. Those are her own children." I wonder if she talks that way in front of her children...
The host shared their family's adoption story - the wait, the call, the trip to Colombia... She spoke so well about the place where her son's birth mom lived, about the good counseling and pre-natal care she received, that "some moms decide to keep their babies after all and some, like his mom, give up the child at birth." I wasn't upset because she referred to her son's birth mom as his mom. I think saying "give up" is disrespectful and "make an adoption plan" is much more appropriate.
A gay couple was telling us about their journey so far and said "We went to an adoption party in Boston and met a child that was available." I must say "adoption party" is not in the list above and I don't like how it sounds. It must be the way the foster care system brings together waiting children and prospective adoptive parents and see if something clicks...
"She is adopted." Adoption is something that happens only once. It should be in past tense - she was adopted.
There were two families of single parents who adopted siblings. One of them was telling me how annoyed he was by the nosy moms from school. This woman asked him about the boys' mother and why she never came to drop them off at school. He told her "Their mom is on a mission in Irak." He tells a different story to every nosy mom. One thinks she's traveling around the world on business trips and another thinks he's a widower. Funny... I could tell he was a very private person and was maybe trying to protect his children from nosy strangers... Maybe too much?
"Where is she from?" At first this didn't bother me. The setting made the question almost mandatory. But whenever I said she was born in the US, I got "Really?" I then had to explain her origins. It was fun for a while, but after the 264th time I was asked the same question, it started to feel weird... As if people were asking me "Where did you get that beautiful purse?" Know what I mean? When we were getting ready to leave a couple was just walking in and asked us the same question. We said "She's from Disney World." :oP Trying not to be like the single guy above, we laughed and then quickly explained. Again. :o)

Other things happened at the picnic. It was M's first time in the water! She absolutely loved it! I leave you with some pictures...

Life in pictures

2010-07-01T11:57:00.000-04:00

People say the darndest things #3

2010-06-04T00:41:00.002-04:00

The other day a very dear friend kindly confessed she feels like she's walking on eggshells when she's around me. She said she didn't want to hurt my feelings whenever anything related to the adoption came up and so she was very careful with her choice of words. I appreciate that and I'm grateful for her honesty. However, do I need that?

Now, I feel like I'm walking around with a label stuck in my forehead that says:

WARNING! Adoptive Mom. Address with extreme caution.

I will always feel proud to be an adoptive mom - don't get me wrong. I'm so proud! I love to talk about my daughter and about adoption - my two favorite subjects. I just don't want the label, the pity, or any kind of eggshell walking. I want to be aknowledged for who I am, for myself as a whole - as a MOM.

I was hoping she had been so supportive and understanding lately because she finally "got" it. She has said some pretty sensitive things in the past, but most of them were at the very begining of our journey, when it's expected that NO ONE understands. Things like "I don't understand how they do it. I could never give up my child."

Well... I guess she will never understand. Maybe no one will, and that's fine.

Strike that. I wish people could understand. I can shield myself from insensitive comments, but I trully wish everyone, or at least those close to me, like my family and friends, would be able to understand and honor our daughter's birthmom. These comments don't honor her. I feel like they're judging her.

I tried to explain this to my friend one more time. I said "I don't expect to convince you to think otherwise" to which she nodded in agreement, something that shut me out instantly, and thus I ended my argument quickly, saying "We only hope people understand we want to honor her."

Am I expecting too much? Am I overly sensitive?

---

Aaaaanyway... This post is about the darn comments people make. Think comments will ever stop? Nope. They keep coming! Most of them come from strangers, but some come from people very close to us.

Here are some of the latest hits...

I was telling someone at the baby gym something about my daughter and I, I'm not sure what it was, and she said "Oh, that also happens to real moms." I pinched myself. I felt real. :o|
A woman asked about my daughter "Is she cross-eyed?" I explained she wasn't. "Actually she has a wide nose bridge and an epicanthal fold, very common with Asian children. The epicanthal fold is skin of the upper eyelid that covers the inner corner (canthus) of the eye. When she looks slightly to either side you can't see as much sclera (white part of the eye) on the inner corner of her eye. It’s just an optical illusion." I was so proud of my scientific explanation! (I learned so much from Danielle's post...) Then she replied "You know? She can have plastic surgery to correct that. Yes, they cut the fold and make the eyes look normal." I almost had a heart attack...
This happened when M was 4 months old and I didn't get it until now... I took M to the office with me one day and the mother of one of my students walks in and asks to meet M. I'm proudly showing her off and when she saw her face the first thing she blurted out was "Oooohhh... My sister had a baby two weeks ago! The baby has Down's Syndrome. They're still coping with it..." I gave her words of support and encouragement as I know a couple of wonderful children with Down's Syndrome. Five months passed, and I don't know why, I recalled this event just a few weeks ago and started thinking... Does she think M has Down's Syndrome? Because of her eyes? :o|
"Will you tell her she's adopted?" No! She will never know! (Jeez... Do people really think I would keep it from her? How???) :o|
It happened once. Then twice. People are starting their sentences with "Well, in your case..." Oh, right, because my experience as a mom must be different because of an adjective.
And this one, almost out of The Blind Side (2009) "Let me tell you something - You have changed her life forever." And I reply accordingly "No. She's changing mine."

If you wish to read the previous posts, you can find them here:

People say the darndest things #1

People say the darndest things #2

As always, thank you so much for allowing me to vent! :o)

The day I cried for the first time...

2010-05-29T12:09:00.003-04:00

You may call this a very belated Mother's Day post. I enjoyed reading everyone else's - I have experienced myself many of the feelings all new moms have shared on their blogs. Jen's post, however, brought back painful memories.

Going to church on Mother's Day was, as she put it, the ultimate torture. Church was filled with numerous families, where many new moms would cry tears of joy holding their babies in their arms as the priest said a special prayer for them. I would cry as I watched them because my arms were empty and my heart ached. I was sad, frustrated, angry. Why couldn't I be a mom?

I remember the day when I cried at church for the first time. March 26, 2006. It wasn't Mother's Day, but we were at church, and right in the middle of our infertility battles, getting ready for IVF. That day, after the service, my niece came to say hello. We hugged and I felt something inexplicable. I love her very much, like I love all my nieces and nephews; every time I see them I hug them so hard I'm afraid I'm going to break them. But this time, when I hugged her, it felt different...

She came waving at me. I hugged her and looked into her eyes. "You're beautiful... I love you so much!! You know that, right?" And we hugged each other again. It was a fairly short hug, but at the same time an endless one, and I felt it very deeply. I felt something else... Something I had never felt before. As if she was my daughter... Or as if I wanted her to be... I'm not sure, but it was amazing...

She said goodbye and went to be with her mom. My eyes followed them as they left the church holding hands. Then I realized that whatever it was that I felt when we hugged wasn't there anymore and it's absence overwhelmed me... Something heavy came completely over me, and I don't know why, but I could not contain myself... I felt an unbearable desire to be a mom. I had never cried because of it before...

I always wanted to be a mom, but I kept my feelings bottled up inside, trying to stay calm, you know, because everyone says you had to stay calm if you wanted to get pregnant. I think I even tricked myself into thinking that yet another negative result was no big deal, since we could always try again. This time I couldn't help it. I just let myself cry...

My husband was right beside me, and when he noticed my tearful eyes, he hugged me and asked me "What's wrong?" I replied "I don't know... This is the first time I cry because of it...", without saying what "it" was. "Soon... Just wait a little longer," he said. And we were joined in his sweet embrace.

I cried many times after that...

This Mother's Day I cried at church too, only this time I was one of the moms they were praying for and my arms weren't empty. We proudly stood up together holding our daughter while the priest said a beautiful prayer for all of us.

In his prayer he said that motherhood is not a physiological accomplishment. He prayed for mothers everywhere, including birthmothers. He didn't use that term, but he prayed for mothers who, for whatever reason, decided not to parent. My husband and I looked at each other. We were praying for J, our daughter's birthmom.

My first Mother's Day was out of this world. My husband gave me my first Mother's Day card at midnight. He couldn't wait till morning! We both cried as I read it.

We had a family gathering at our home. We baked together the most yummy eggplant lasagna and had a blast. I must say at times I thought it was my birthday. Everyone was celebrating MY motherhood...

Mother's Day used to be a day where I do just that with my mom and mother in law - and avoid my friends. Someone was always pregnant, or just had a baby, and even though I was genuinely happy for them, it was too painful to celebrate with them. I was just having a hard time with my infertility. (Wow. It's the first time I admit that...)

So much has changed... There's nothing quite as wonderful as being a new Mom.

My muse is on vacation

2010-05-01T19:18:00.003-04:00

"#233. Being a Mom means realizing your schedule means absolutely nothing to your baby." - Harry H. Harrison Jr., 1001 Things it Means to Be a Mom: (the Good, the Bad, and the Smelly)

I've been very busy with my daughter, so my bloglife has been reduced to reading everyone else's blog and not posting on my own. But here I am, writing as fast as I can, managing pictures, links and thoughts, taking advantage of very rare and favorable circumstances on a Saturday afternoon - my husband and my baby are taking a nap.

M has endured being sick for 4 weeks with bronchiolitis. It started with a cold about a week after finalization, so she spent her sixth month sick at home... She's doing great now, but it was not an easy 4 weeks... Not easy for us - she's a trooper! A friend told us we earned the badge for sleepless nights. Although I think we had already earned that when she was born...

We've had a very eventful 7 month mark! The day M turned 7 months old, she began to crawl! She also started to reach out her arms asking to be picked up by someone of her choosing (and my heart melts when her choice is Mommy). The following day 2 more teeth emerged - total count is 4 - and she sat on her own!

Then she started to pull herself up. She wasn't standing yet, but she was trying. One day she finally did it in her crib. She pulled herself up and...standing girl! It lasted about 4.2 seconds. She lost her balance and landed her top teeth on the rail... She started crying, of course, and I was fine comforting her until I saw blood in her mouth. Lots of it. I thought it was coming out of one of her top teeth. I applied gentle pressure with a sterile gauze to stop the bleeding. I noticed the tooth was not loose, but I got very nervous and called the doctor. She told me that it was probably nothing, most likely her gums were bruised. Then she added that if I thought it would make me feel better I should take her to the dentist.

M was fine - she had stopped bleeding, was not crying and was playing with her toys by the time I got off the phone. But I thought it would be better to take her in and watch the dentist laugh at me for being hysterical than being scolded and labeled a bad mom later for not bringing her if something turned out to be wrong.

It was 4:35 PM on a Friday, so I grabbed the yellow pages and took her to the first pediatric dentist in my area who was still open. Long story short, M had her first dentist visit. The dental x rays showed no root fractures or trauma, and the tooth was not intruded (pushed up into the gums). Just a little gum hematoma right over her tooth. No biggie. Whew! Guess I earned the badge for baby's first accident, huh? ;o)

One thing I learned - baby's first visit to the pediatric dentist should be 6 months after the first teeth emerges. Looks like we came in three months early. :oP

People kept telling us that she would now be afraid to try it again. Nah... She pulls herself up every time she has a chance.

M turned 8 months a couple of days ago, can you believe it?

M grabs everything, and everything ends up in her mouth. She's babbling like crazy... She's doing something new every day! Just this morning she ate bananas on her own. Milestones are so exciting!! :o)

I have so many things I want to blog about, but I'm just too busy. I keep up with everyone else's blog, though. I read them on my phone when I go to bed. Bear in mind that it's not easy to comment from my phone. I haven't forgotten you all. :o)

I leave you with some pictures. Let's hope my muse returns from her travels real soon...

Books

2010-03-31T11:12:00.011-04:00

I read "What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective", by Sally Bacchetta. (She's the writer that blogged about us the day before our Finalization.) I absolutely loved it. It's more that a memoir, more than an adoption parenting book. Sally is very open sharing her feelings as an adoptive parent in a way I can completely relate to, always speaking from the heart. You'll find no sugar coating either, which I think is very interesting, as as this is such a lovely book. She gave me a lot of insight on what our adopted child might feel and experience as she grows up and how to help us understand and deal with it. She also shines some light on openness, on the side of the birthparents, on the search and reunion. It's a very inspirational, realistic and heartwarming story, a book that celebrates the miracle of adoption, a must have for any adoptive parent and adoptee.

I bought the book on her website, and Sally sent us an autographed copy. It reads:

"To Maru and Fico,

With much affection and best wishes as you journey through parenthood.

God bless you,

Sally Bacchetta"

You can buy her book here.

Oh, the book "Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born" by Jamie Lee Curtis... Adorable. I won this book on E's giveaway the day of our Finalization. It's a children's book that tells the story about the night a family came together through adoption. The call, arriving at the hospital, seeing the baby for the first time behind the glass, the flight back home, the first night home with the baby... It's amazingly beautiful. I felt like I was reading a book about us! I cried like a baby when I read it to M and she definitely loved the illustrations.

We wanted to start putting together M's lifebook and "Tell Me Again..." gave us an idea of where to begin and exactly what to do. I think a life book doesn't have to be a scrapbook or a long novel (and I can be very lazy when It comes to scrapbooks). It can be an easy to read personalized storybook filled with pictures about how we became a family. Can't wait get it started! :o)

Open Adoption Bloggers Interview Project

2010-03-22T00:01:00.039-04:00

For the Open Adoption Bloggers Interview Project I was matched with Susie, from Endure for a Night. I loved her writing style. It was like a book I couldn't put down.

She is the lovely birthmom of Cricket, who was placed with his adoptive moms, Ruth and Nora, in an open adoption. Susie is freelance copyeditor, and married to Mr. Book who is going to law school in one year.

She speaks her true feelings and her blog paints a very insightful portrait of a birthmom. I admire Susie's strength, honesty and sweet nature. Here's the interview.

Looks like Mr. Book wasn't in the same page as you when you got pregnant. I understand he wanted you to have an abortion and when you presented him with adoption he wanted to parent. Did you make the decision for an adoption plan on your own, and how did you decide when he was considering another road?

I did make the decision for adoption by myself, but at the same time, I tried to include him—I asked him to look at parent profiles with me, I explained my thinking on and on, I asked him what he was thinking—but when it came down to it, I told him that I needed him to stop mentioning abortion, and that that wasn’t on the table. I wanted to be a mother, but I didn’t think I could do it alone, and I didn’t want to drive my boyfriend away; adoption seemed like the best of several crappy options. Just last night, he said that I should email and ask them to give him back; he’s sort of joking, but he’d be overjoyed if we suddenly ended up parenting Cricket.

Having said "My mother isn’t the woman she was, but I would never leave her alone with a child" and planning to have a baby in the future, where do you stand now regarding the relationship you hope your baby has with his grandmother?

I’m still in the same place; my mom won’t be alone with our futurekid. She will be able to visit us, and we’ll visit them, but she’ll never get unsupervised visits, although we’ll try to avoid having to explain that bluntly to her. I think she has a lot of love and enthusiasm to share with a child, but that abusive side of her still exists and she’s never had any therapy. She will not be babysitting.

You're going to a birthmothers support group. I gathered from your blog you didn't have any kind of counseling while you were pregnant. Do you think it is something you should've had prior to making your decision?

I do think counseling would have been good, and I wish that my boyfriend and I could have gone together, honestly. But then I probably wouldn’t have placed. For what it’s worth, the agency told Ruth and Nora that I was receiving counseling; they’re great believers in it as well.

When I was battling infertility, long before I decided to adopt, it was hard for me to enjoy my friends' pregnancies, and to be around their children once they were born was kind of bittersweet. What do you feel when you are with your friends' or other people's children?

I’ve read about this on some infertility blogs, and feel very lucky that I’ve mostly been exempt. I’ve always loved children, and I’ve still been able to enjoy them in a pretty uncomplicated way, albeit with the occasional mental See, I’m good at this! I could do this parent thing. The one exception that I can think of occurred last week, when I was on the bus, and sitting across from me was a little blond boy almost exactly Cricket’s age (I heard his mom telling someone “He’s almost fifteen months”). I felt lucky that as a woman I could look at him without anyone wondering whether I was a child molester, and worked not to stare: I’d look at him for a few seconds, look away, and then look again. I thought about being a mom with a blond toddler boy on the bus myself, and I missed the kid something fierce. That said, if I do experience secondary infertility, it will probably be a different story.

When you're with Ruth, Nora and Cricket you say you can't be yourself. Why? What are you hiding?

I tend to wall away all of my feelings when I’m with then and be a pleasant but essentially empty version of myself. I have a lot of guilt and regret around the adoption, and they don’t really want any part of that (reasonably enough)—I also don’t want to waste a visit on crying in their living room. But I can’t shut that part down all by itself; when I box those feelings up, I also lose most of the other good ones (intense love, enthusiasm). I’m also a huge geek, which they don’t really understand, and the few times that it has come up (like, say, when they came here and saw my wall o’ videogames), they’ve acted really weird. So I don’t talk about that stuff or try to give Cricket geeky things. I also know that I can’t talk about a lot of the things that I do—I’m going to be on a birthmother panel!—because I do a fair amount of adoption-related stuff, and it makes them super uncomfortable to hear about. I’m not anti-adoption, I don’t get involved in anti-adoption events, but still. I’m also worrying about the invisible boundaries when I’m with them; I ran up against one last year when I asked if I could talk about the hard stuff (oops), and I backed away fast and politely, but I worry about running into a wall again. The solution is to never risk making them uncomfortable, which makes me a bit preoccupied and boring.

In your post "Which contains a list" you mention several birthparent / adoptive parent relationships. At that point in time you couldn't "fancy any of these" for yourself. How would you clasiffy your relationship with Ruth and Nora now?

I think I’ve become a Trooper. That may shock those of you who hear me whine and complain on the blog, but with Ruth and Nora, I am eager and undemanding. After the visit was cancelled for the 6^th, Ruth asked if we would like to come the next Sunday—they would be attending a birthday party, so we’d come along, then Cricket would nap, then everyone eats dinner, then we’d go home. I immediately started trying to figure out how we’d make this work: “Okay, they need us to get there early, but since Mr. Book doesn’t get home until after midnight the night before, that means he’ll get very little sleep. Maybe a nap the day before? Now, we won’t be able to do lunch together, and of course I won’t eat at their party, so maybe I should pack granola bars?” etc. When I ran this new plan past my husband, he said “I’ll be exhausted, you will be hungry, and we’ll both hate sitting at the party and watching him while surrounded by strangers. We should find another day.” It had not occurred to me to suggest a different date; I feel this internal pressure to agree to whatever they suggest and then figure out how to get through it. I am also maintaining a friendship with Ruth, both because I like her and because it seems like a good idea.

You mentioned in your blog the agency lied to you quite a bit. What did they lie about? Do you think they favor adoptive parents in any way?

I actually wrote a post detailing some of the lies—http://susiebook.wordpress.com/2009/12/30/i-am-cranky/—but as for the other half of your question, I really don’t. They lied to Ruth and Nora, as well; they just want the money, and while they want to keep adoptive families happy in the short-term, once they’ve cashed the checks they really couldn’t care less about them. They refused to fax necessary paperwork for months, delaying the finalization of the adoption; when Ruth called them (and she called a lot), they would just flat-out lie to her, saying either that the papers had been sent or that they had never had that paperwork, that it was someone else’s problem. That agency just tries to tell everyone what they want to hear at the expense of the truth—after the adoption is done, they don’t want to take anyone’s calls.

Adoptive parents - including myself - use the term "gift" a lot, whether we say our child is a gift from God or a gift from our child's birthmother. I've read some rage filled comments on other blogs about the use of this term. How do you feel about the use of the word "gift" when referring to a baby who was placed through adoption?

I don’t like the gift language, but I think it comes from a place of love. On your blog, you mentioned explaining the decision to relinquish as parallel to throwing your baby out of a burning building, and my first reaction was “So I’m a burning building, huh? Awesome.” But it seemed like you were trying to explain the kind of “greater love has no [wo]man” sacrifice that is noble and heroic and good—it’s so hard to find a good way to talk about what adoption is for the whole triad together. Ruth and Nora don’t use the gift language (without any prompting from me, I might add); they have said “Thank you for making us parents,” which is I think a similar sentiment with less complicated implications. I also think it’s a bit misleading—I’m tied to that kid forever. It wasn’t quite the discreet transfer that “gift” implies. But yeah, like I said initially, while I dislike references to placed kids as “gifts,” I think people using that term are trying to express good things—they feel blessed beyond measure by their parenthood.

In your first Open Adoption Roundtable you said "If I had it all to do over again, right now I would choose not to do an adoption." Why?

Because I think we would have been good parents, and it’s likely that we will be anyway within a couple of years, and it’s really badly wounded me, my husband, and both of our families. One of my biggest reasons for the adoption was that I thought my boyfriend wanted that more than parenting—turns out that no, his list went 1) abortion 2) parenting 3) adoption. My list went 1) parenting 2) adoption. I chose adoption because I was sure that he didn’t want to parent, and I wanted to be with him and knew that he wanted kids at some point, and I didn’t want to force him to raise a kid when he wasn’t ready. Turns out that better communication skills would have benefitted us greatly. And—well, I don’t think it’s possible to understand ahead of time how relinquishment breaks you. That said, I think that Cricket will have a good life with his parents. But I do think we may have a harder-than-usual time explaining to him why he was relinquished.

You say you make recipes for things you can easily find at Walmart. Can you please share your recipe for your home made Oreo cookies? ;o)

I get my recipe from the Smitten Kitchen.

For the chocolate wafers:

1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup unsweetened Dutch process cocoa
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 to 1 1/2 cups sugar [see recipe note]
1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons (1 1/4 sticks) room-temperature, unsalted butter
1 large egg

For the filling:
1/4 cup (1/2 stick) room-temperature, unsalted butter
1/4 cup vegetable shortening
2 cups sifted confectioners’ sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla extract

Set two racks in the middle of the oven. Preheat to 375°F.

In a food processor, or bowl of an electric mixer, thoroughly mix the flour, cocoa, baking soda and powder, salt, and sugar. While pulsing, or on low speed, add the butter, and then the egg. Continue processing or mixing until dough comes together in a mass.

Take rounded teaspoons of batter and place on a parchment paper-lined baking sheet approximately two inches apart. With moistened hands, slightly flatten the dough. Bake for 9 minutes, rotating once for even baking. Set baking sheets on a rack to cool.

To make the cream, place butter and shortening in a mixing bowl, and at low speed, gradually beat in the sugar and vanilla. Turn the mixer on high and beat for 2 to 3 minutes until filling is light and fluffy.

To assemble the cookies, in a pastry bag with a 1/2 inch, round tip, pipe teaspoon-size blobs of cream into the center of one cookie. Place another cookie, equal in size to the first, on top of the cream. Lightly press, to work the filling evenly to the outsides of the cookie. Continue this process until all the cookies have been sandwiched with cream.

http://smittenkitchen.com/2007/05/my-kingdom-for-a-glass-of-milk/

The only changes I make are that I make 1.5 the amount of filling she calls for, and instead of a pastry bag, I use a Ziploc sandwich bag with the corner cut out.

I'm following Susie's blog now. Go on. Pay her a visit!

Thanks, Heather, for organizing this magnificent event! If you want to read more fabulous interviews follow this link. There's a list of all the blog partners. Don't forget to check out my interview at Susie's blog. Enjoy! :o)

My girl

2010-03-19T01:11:00.001-04:00

My baby girl is growing up so fast! She never ceases to amaze us, learning something new every day. Her personality is growing too. She laughs, she screams and squeals in delight. She glows...

I never knew I could love so much...

A journey comes full circle

2010-03-09T13:26:00.009-04:00

"Because parenting comes from the heart. It's not in the ink-filled pores of a piece of paper."

-Sally Bacchetta

First I want to share with you that the day before finalization Sally Bacchetta blogged about us. It made my day. And I won on E's giveaway! I never win on contests of any kind. This was very cool. :o)

Finalization day was on Friday, February 19. My sister in law came with us to court for the Finalization Hearing. I remember I had a splitting migraine. Too many emotions. I was so nervous and excited... We arrived 30 minutes earlier to meet with our agency assigned lawyer. He gave us a brief summary of what was going to happen. While we waited, we asked him if this was the only kind of cases he worked. He said "Oh, yes. I have the best job in the world. Always a happy ending. I'm very lucky."

The courtroom doors opened and the judge had everyone leave the courtroom. She explained this was a confidential hearing so no one else was allowed inside. The doors closed behind her, she warmly introduced herself and asked to meet our daughter. She picked her up, and exchanged smiles and laughter with her and gave her a hug. M is very social.

We expected so little of a process that was simply a formalization. She gave us a nice surprise - she is an adoptive mom herself! What could've been a speedy, routine, unemotional hearing turned into a relaxed, unusual and very heartwarming event.

Funny story coming up... My sister in law was tearing up ever since we entered the courtroom. She was multitasking - taking pictures and wiping away her tears. The judge asked everyone to sit down and introduce themselves for the record before our lawyer presented our case. He went first, then my sister in law, who suddenly forgot who she was.

Judge: And you are?

SIL: My name is (she gives her full name).

Judge: Aha... (She smiles and gives my SIL a face of "would you please elaborate?")

SIL: (Pointing at me) I'm her... (pause) ...brother's... (pause) Excuse me, I'm very nervous!

Judge: It's all right; take your time...

SIL: I'm her... (pause) ...brother's... (pause) ...wife!

Me: She's my sister in law.

SIL: Right!

The words "sister in law" were somehow wiped out from her vocabulary. (LOL I love you sis!)

The process of adoption never ceases to surprise me. There's always a new term, a new form or a comment that is totally unexpected. It was so strange to listen to our lawyer mention that M was "available for adoption" when she's been our daughter since she left the hospital, almost 6 months ago. He also stated to the court the fact that we understood that we would be responsible for M as if she was our biological child. At that point I only found it a bit odd... I mean, "responsible for her"? Isn't this obvious?

Then the judge took over and said that she had studied our file - home study, post placement visits, etc. Being an adoptive mother herself, she told us she understood the emotions we were experiencing, that she knew it was a happy day, but she needed to ask some uncomfortable questions.

I remember thinking "Oh... Here we go..." I was so nervous! What could she ask?

She asked us, again, if we understood that we were responsible for M as if she was our biological child; that if we got divorced one of us had to get custody of her, as if she was our biological child; that if one of us, or both of us, should die she would be the sole beneficiary of our goods, estate, etc., as if she was our biological child; that we needed to provide for her with an education, as if she was our biological child... It went on and on. I mean, aren't these things obvious?

They don't ask these sort of questions to parents who have had their biological children before they leave the hospital. Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying this because I think it's unfair to us as adoptive parents. I just think these are questions with obvious answers.

But then again, there are some pretty obvious statements everywhere:

WARNING! Never leave child inside the playard while folded.

See what I mean? DUH!

Anyway... As soon as we agreed to everything, it was over. However, we didn't notice. We were waiting for her to say something else and to actually strike the gavel. She then looked down at us and said that it was done and we could go ahead and breathe.

We started to cry instead.

The judge was very nice and invited us to take pictures with her. We wanted to have pictures of this important day to share with our daughter someday and we took a lot of amazingly beautiful pictures. Mission accomplished!

We got to talking about our journey with the judge and she shared her story with us. She even showed us pictures of her daughter.

Later, they gave us a copy of the final judgement. Birth certificates are on the way.

And that was it!

"Finalization means the adoption is complete. It means the adoption verb becomes past tense. It means Maru and Fico are their daughter's parents in the eyes of the law.

Finalization means closure for their daughter's first mother. How she feels about that, no one really knows, except her. Maybe. On a really good day.

Finalization means that the guiding and deciding and upholding and holding up and giving beyond all reason that is parenting... well, finalization means nothing in that regard. Because parenting comes from the heart. It's in the words you choose and the words you hold back. It's in your sighs and tears and insomnia and chest-bursting pride. It's not in the ink-filled pores of a piece of paper."

-Sally Bacchetta

Leaving the courthouse I felt an enormous weight being lifted. We were finally done. No more forms to fill, no more visits, no more stamps of approval. Nothing was pending. I had no doubt of what the outcome was going to be. We were a family since the moment we got the call. I don't think I've ever felt more complete. This is the beginning of the rest of our lives.

Our daughter's baptism

2010-03-04T11:12:00.004-04:00

M's baptism was on Saturday, February 13. It was so moving... She was so calm and attentive of everything going on the ceremony. She touched the Bible every chance she had.

The deacon said a beautiful prayer for us. At one point he said M was a miracle, formed by the hand of God "in the womb of her loving mother", and an answer to our prayers to become parents. He didn't know M is our adoptive daughter and yet his words were so right...

She's the answer to our prayers. She always was - God planned her for us. All the pieces fell into place, all in His timing, and we were blessed. She's a gift from heaven, a miracle, formed and placed with us by the hands of God. She's our beautiful daughter.

Finalization!

2010-02-02T21:54:00.000-04:00

Finalization is the last formal step of the adoption process, and we're happy to announce that... we have our court date! Last night we received notice from the agency attorneys. On February 19 we'll gain permanent, legal custody of our precious baby girl. Forever family... :o)

Open Adoption Roundtable #13

2010-01-28T19:43:00.006-04:00

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be part of the Open Adoption Bloggers list to participate, or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table.

Publish your response during the next two weeks--linking back here so we can all find one other--and leave a link to your post in the comments. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

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Open Adoption Roundtable #13

We often hear about open adoptions where the two sides don't want the same level of openness. First mothers who don't get updates as often as they would like, or not as many visits each year. Or adoptive parents who want to include their child's first mother in his life, but she is not ready.

But what we don't often discuss is when people on the same side of the triad can't agree on the level of openness in an adoption.

It could be a wife who wants a fully open adoption but the husband only wants to send letters once a year.

Or a first mother isn't ready for an open adoption but the first father wants to be part of the baby's life.

Maybe a spouse isn't supportive of their partner entering into reunion with their first mother.

Or a partner who came along after the adoption and isn't comfortable with your relationship with your placed child.

And the classic Hallmark movie of the year scenario: Your mother-in-law is convinced that the baby will be snatched away from under your nose if you have an open adoption.

How would/do you navigate these situations? Does your current relationship impact the type of open adoption that you have? How does this affect your current relationship?

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I was reading Heather's prompt and what made me participate was the "classic Hallmark movie of the year scenario". The comments people make keep this birthmother myth hovering over us. It comes and goes, but I think it's always there.

The other day, we were caught in the middle of a discussion about identity theft, modern internet technology and Facebook in a "big-brother-is-watching" kind of tone. "This is not going to end good," I remember telling myself.

The thing is that they kept going on and on about what I was doing - uploading my baby's pictures, making them available to everyone. I told them only my friends are able to see the pictures and that I sensed they were afraid of something, and to please explain what it was. Pointing at my daughter, one of them stood up and yelled "Im afraid for HER!!!"

"Why? WHAT are you afraid of?" I desperately asked. I knew exactly where this was going...

Then they said "What if her mother wants her back??? What if she wants to steal her?"

Sooooo many things are wrong with that statement...

I said "Her birth mother is not going to 'steal' her."

They kept going... "What are you going to do when she shows up on your doorstep?"

I replied "Invite her in for a cup of coffee" very matter-of-factly.

My ears were burning, though...

When we were getting ready to meet our daughter's birthparents someone said "Don't you dare to take the baby with you!" We didn't take her with us because J, her birthmom, asked us not to, and we respected her wishes. We would've definitely brought M with us if she had wanted us to.

I simply ignored the comment. I said we were going alone. We were very excited to meet them. We didn't have to explain anything...

How do I deal with these situations? Well, just like that. I had to ignore what was going on at the moment. I didn't encourage further discussion. It was not the place or time to start an Adoption 101 session. The air might get too tense.

But we DO need to educate. My husband and I decided that we have to sit down with the people we care about and have a talk when the time is right. Educate them. That's all we can do.

We talk. We try to educate. However, not everyone "gets" it, you know? Talking to people and letting them know how you feel makes them uncomfortable. Some say they think we're paranoid; some say we're being way too sensitive; some say we're making a big deal out of some random comment.

Not random. This is important.

And sensitive? Of course we are! This just proves they have no idea of how much we honor J, our daughter's birthmom. Do they think she's a bad person? Do they truly believe she's a maniac who's going to steal M? How can we make them understand that this is simply not true? Can't they at least show some respect to her for M's sake?

I'm just so afraid of what they might say to M about her once she's old enough and starts asking questions. I know we can do our part, and tell M everything about her, share the love we feel for both her birthparents, but we still worry... That's why I think they need to know how we feel about M's birthmom.

No matter what people say they can have no impact on our type of open adoption. Even so, relationships are affected. I must admit I feel bit distant from friends and loved ones who question open adoption. It's not that I'm cutting them out of my life, but I keep some distance to avoid situations like the one I described above. I don't need to be exposed to anything negative right now. I'm enjoying this ride, I'm having the time of my life, and if someone doesn't want to make the effort to jump in, bite their tongues and celebrate every aspect of this wonderful journey with us, well, they leave me no choice.

This is the first time I participate in the Open Adoption Roundtable. :o)

Now, it's your turn. ;o)

Thinking about M's birthparents

2010-01-24T12:05:00.004-04:00

Yesterday we went to buy all sorts of scrapbooking goodies to start putting together M's lifebook. When we got home, we decided to make two - one for M and one for J and D. We decided to send it to them on M's 1st birthday along with a video.

I wonder how J and D are doing. I thank God every day for them, for bringing M into this world, for choosing us, and I pray for their well being.

I wonder if they've seen M's pictures and read our letters. We've sent them albums (one at her 1st month and one at 3 months) filled with our daughter's greatest moments. It's impossible to choose, so we always send more pictures than what fit in the album. Who knows - maybe they want to frame some of them and keep the others in the album, right? We always send them a letter and tell them all about how our daughter is doing - every milestone, every magical moment - and ask them to keep in touch.

The agency only tells us the package has arrived but they say they don't have any information on wether J and D came to pick it up or not. It makes no sense... I think they would know, right?

I wish we had news from them...

Have you seen Catelyn's story on MTV's 16 and Pregnant? Catelyn decided to make an adoption plan for her baby. I always heard of that episode in particular, but I hate reality shows, so I never followed the series, never knew when it was on. (Besides, teenage pregnancy was something that I couldn't deal with when that season was in the air. It was deep into the whole "why not me?" crisis...) But I finally had the chance to catch it online about a month ago. It was amazing. So much of their story is like ours. Fico and I watched the episode together and cried so much...

So now I've been watching Teen Mom on MTV. They follow the lives of some of the teen moms from 16 and Pregnant on every episode. I still hate reality shows, so I schedule the program on my TiVo so I can fast forward through it and follow Catelyn's story only.

I watch her struggle... I know the decision to make an adoption plan is not an easy one. Are J and D going through the same emotions?

God, You are my Messenger. Bless M's birth parents. Let them feel our love.

The best gift

2010-01-10T21:44:00.016-04:00

My mom played this song for me today and it made me cry.

The Best Gift

by Barbara Streisand

The best gift
That I ever got
Didn't really weigh a lot
It didn't have a ribbon 'round
And it sometimes made a terrible sound
The best of all it seems to me
It wasn't neath the Christmas tree
And yet, I guess I'd have to say
That it made all the other presents twice as gay
The best gift that I've ever known
I'd always wanted most to own
Yet in my dreams of sugar and spice
I never thought it could be so nice
The best gift that I ever get
Was sometimes dry and sometimes wet
Was usually pink but oftentimes red
As it lay so innocently in its bed
The best gift of the year to me
The one I hold most dear to me
A gift that simply drove me wild
Was a tiny new born child...

Happy New year, everyone. :o)