here. there. somewhere.

7-10-24

2013-07-11T02:24:00.000-04:00

I feel like I'm not the person who I was 6 months ago, mostly because I'm not. I re-read a lot of my posts for the first time tonight and I was like "Wow, I'm all over the place here." I was all over the place. I was a hot mess. I tried to go in and edit shit down and make my posts, my life, into something that it just wasn't. I tried to make it look put together and nice. I was trying to alter the story of my life, I've been so open in 'here' for so long that when something got good I felt like I had to stop. I came to understand that with the level of love I received that I needed to walk away. I didn't want to ruin it or jynx it by revealing it. I feel like for the first time I can start writing this again on a slightly different level as I've started to really struggle for the first time, in a long time, with trying to figure out what my next step is.

So many wonderful things have happened in my life that I am beyond grateful for. I have a person in my life who loves me and actually understands me on a level that honestly no one else ever has. He puts up with my crazy and yes, yells at me when I don't turn my pants right-side-in to wash, but still. I've been so blessed in my life. I've been feeling so much pain lately... like my nice little black July cloud is coming back. My best friend and I joked about it; I thought I had moved all the pain and got it over with in June with the surgery. I forgot that you can't hide or move your emotional pain. All of it is embedded into my life now.

Every July 1st without fail my best friend jokes that she has standby tickets with United so when she gets the text from me she can be first on a plane to PHL to console me. My mom reminds me that it's never over, but it gets easier as I get older. My aunt tells me "răsufla, always" in her best attempts in english.

I can't just handle July 7th, or July 10th, or July 24. Those aren't normal days in my life, those are a few of the worst days in my life. I know where I was for each of them. I remember the calls. I remember being alone for all of them, and feeling trapped. Each time it's like a light goes off in my head and it triggers something in me that just snaps a bit, and I cry. A scent, a word, a touch, the humidity being so high or the sun hitting me so intensely. It's the time that was taken away, or the promises that weren't able to be fulfilled and it all hits me like a ton of bricks on those days. It's my black cloud that brings back all my demons to the front and causing me to collapse again.

Even when I'm the most loved in my life, it doesn't diminish these days. It can ease them and bandaid them but they never go away.

26 and Still Feisty

2012-11-20T02:25:00.004-05:00

So this past week was my birthday and it was perfect. Not going to give a lot of details, but it was super intimate and just what I wanted. Then my two best friends came into town and tore shit up with me. I really had the best time I could have had. It was the best weekend ever. Even my ex starting a bar fight couldn't ruin it. I was in bed on Sunday night thinking how lucky I am to have such strong women in my life, and how much they've influenced me and to them I am so grateful.

Changes

I'm not sure how I'm going to change the content on this blog yet, but I'm going to. I really need to make my personal life as personal as possible, while giving you all the best content on dating and craziness that I can. Obviously somethings will still come up about me directly but, what I will post that's specific to me, are the awkward messages from okcupid.com. Maybe funny girlie stories here and there and obvious life commentary. But no more literal stories. I am not going to post about my dating life unless something really big happens. I took a lot of time (as noted by me going MIA) to think about that choice. I'm never going to delete old posts, but I want to start fresh in a way while looking back. It's like a growth challenge. I think in the next few months more and more of why will come out about that. Also let me know about the new format here, I need feedback.

When H.S. Haunts

2012-10-04T03:50:00.002-04:00

So tonight I was talking with a guy friend about things from high school. This mostly occurred because we were friends in grade school and my friends and his friends inter-dated and then I fell off because I went to public school and was ousted. Yea, I said it.

So after going through his stories, and the people we knew and who we knew where I came home to go through my own. Now I refuse to look at my yearbook. I find it hugely depressing. Between the amounts of my friends who have died, and then those who I have fought to the death with I just can't look at it. But what I can and did look at were my party pictures....

Everyone has party pictures, from all the clubs and proms and dances and parties you went to in HS. Everyone has it, deny it all you want but everyone has one. I wanted to look back on my pictures with this loving feeling. Like "This is when I was first really in love and happy" or "This is when I was on top of the world" but as I looking at how happy I was in my relationship and then I saw a prom picture with 8 people in it... 4 couples to be exact, I thought as of today, all of those couples have broken up, no shock there, but all of them with the exception of one girl, had hooked up with everyone else. Probably (no judgement or assumption but I know 3 guys who wanted her) because she moved a billion miles away. I looked at another picture, this one had no couples but still the same thing. All those guys had hooked up with all those girls. Now none of this happened in that night or in one night but in a time period of lets say... 6 years which is a lot. But when you're at the oldest 22 it really shouldn't be.

I think of things like this and then I think "Wow no way in hell will I go to my reunion." It's ex's trying to impress people they've already slept with or people who want to sleep with people they wish they had. I used to want to sleep with said people, then I did. It's a 2 way split of "Oh my god so not worth it" and "Oh my god you're a great person just not for me." My friend said it best in college "After a certain point making out with someone is a nicer form of hello"

Well, I've already met you all so I'm done saying 'Hello' I'd like to say goodbye actually.

Hey White Candy

2012-08-30T02:16:00.000-04:00

I'm not even sure where to begin this. This is just going to be more awesome hot mess of posts I get on plenty of fish because they make my day. Every now and then something is just too offensive, so I won't post that stuff, but some are just amazing. So until the EPIC end of summer recap post that I will be making, you'll have to deal with these little gems to get you by. Also sirs, if someone doesn't respond it's probably because they're blogging about you. Stop having conversations with yourselves.

yodaofdegoba

8/28/2012 1:32:21 AM

hey whats up how r u tonite...u r very beautiful...and i would like to get to know u

yodaofdegoba

8/29/2012 11:50:27 AM

u r by far the most beautiful woman on this site

PhillyPhanatic007

8/22/2012 1:24:18 AM

Excited for the Hump Wednesday? Any big plans?

PhillyPhanatic007

8/24/2012 12:08:49 AM

Excited that it's TGIF??? :-)

PhillyPhanatic007

8/29/2012 3:34:42 AM

Good evening! Happy Hump Wednesday! What are you up to?

studdmuff83

8/29/2012 2:36:38 AM

Hi,

My name is Scott, I'll keep this short and sweet.

I'm a 27 year old gentleman in search of someone I can spend time with and develop a relationship with. My friends describe me as a chivalrous and old school gentleman with a sense of humor and a huge heart. I also love to cook, dine out and go to Atlantic City to have fun at the casinos and beaches.

I read your profile and would enjoy having a conversation to get to know you better. Let's chat soon :)

Talk to you soon,

Scott

BornToBeInHeaven

8/21/2012 10:22:47 PM

hi cutie how re u

BornToBeInHeaven

8/21/2012 10:29:59 PM

im good thnx , i like ur profile by the way , and i like master degree's people

BornToBeInHeaven

8/21/2012 10:32:10 PM

i'm working on it , i need time for it :)

wht is ur second master going to be about ?

BornToBeInHeaven

8/23/2012 12:09:02 AM

how re u today ?

BornToBeInHeaven

8/28/2012 11:18:50 PM

how was ur day cutie

sxceuroguy13

8/23/2012 10:15:40 PM

hi beautiful :-) ...do i know u from somewhere?

u look extremely familiar

ps-have u ever been with a european guy before?

FitzyMan

8/22/2012 12:37:27 AM

Are all your folders pink? Lol

FitzyMan

8/22/2012 1:10:57 AM

What's the best costume you ever wore to a theme party? :P

FitzyMan

8/28/2012 2:07:48 AM

I live in Philly, I'm nice, have a passion for something, and I'm not creepy or married. Exactly how twirly are you feeling tonight? :P

italiano05

8/27/2012 11:15:50 PM

italiano05

8/27/2012 11:31:44 PM

Your loss bitch

EMang3

8/27/2012 11:05:43 PM

Hi so-called art history lover...how would you compare Caravaggio's works to, say, more modern works of art (digital artists like say Kris Costa)? CAN you compare the two?

Also, what's more important in a relationship: Time/commitment or TRUST?

ImPersian

8/25/2012 11:08:53 PM

Hi I stop by your profile. I like reading your profile and enjoy your pics even more. I will make it short. I have wrote enough in my profile. (-;

I have a degree in Archaeology. I enjoy variety of things like conceptual arts, outdoors, traveling... I look for a best fried, someone that I can be myself. I'd love to get to know you. we should meet for an ice-cream sometimes. Checkout my profile. If you like what you read, you may consider me for an interview. ;-)

P.S. Once you go Persian ain't better version. LOL

Twoplusonesmorefun

8/22/2012 9:23:24 AM

Hey I'm Lauren how has your luck been here? I apologize for bothering you but I was curious if you may have interest in talking and hanging out with us as friends or whatever. We are laid back, sweet, and love to have fun! If you are into that let me know I also can send you a few more pics. Thanks and good luck if you're not interested

StatusQuo33

8/22/2012 9:54:04 PM

I still think you need to realize how awesome i am so we can hang out and cuddle

Attention Whoring

2012-08-22T02:00:00.001-04:00

So tonight I thought 'Hmmm I need attention' so I trolled the interwebs for a bit and decided to make a plenty of fish account. This is the weirdest website in the world and apparently I'm late on the band wagon. So I created my account. I have four pictures and a brief 'about me' or whatever we're calling it. Within 10 minutes I had roughly 20 messages. How the tits that happens I'm not sure but as I'm writing this I have 64. So I thought I would share some of the real gems so that we all get a feel for this. It is after all pretty fucking funny.

ljt238/21/2012 10:19:34 PM
your boobs look amazing

omeallain523

8/22/2012 1:02:55 AM
what does that first pick of you say about you it is funny to me that people put pictures up like that on the internet for anybody to see. You are sure to draw in some creeps with that up it's like a guy with his shirt off on here nobody wants to see that and who is gonna respect you when you have that as a first impression. Sad part is you look pretty with out that on here just sayin. Sorry good luck

spicey123

8/21/2012 10:50:50 PM
Honestly this isn't a Hey what's up/Hi kinda message why be Superficial Stuck up
Not here trying to sex you!how can some1 prove/show you different if no Chance
That's why no luck on Here don't brag sorry=)haha dang just being Real & Honest

Maybe you won't respond but hey the world isn't over I'm like a Beautiful sunset
I'm Classy Confident Real Honest Different Funny Gentleman Gogetta Ambitious
Being normal is boring are you! Lion King broke my heart=(Finding Nemo is life
I be Batman you be Robin I don't wanna be you're knight shining armor but the
Knight who shines you're armor Chivalry isn't dead I'm a animal lover don't hate
New to area from California looking to meet Ppl/Friends Save an egg crack a Smile

agj5k

8/21/2012 10:53:58 PM
Can you slow dance? I like to dance so if you can't this won't work. Lol. Let me know if you'd like to chat sometime.

kalasashburn

8/22/2012 1:26:15 AM
I'm impressed by your ability to look almost completely different in each of your photos.

cupidshuffle337

8/21/2012 10:53:18 PM
Hello how are you, my name is ty and I only want to go on a date with someone. I want to go to border cafe. Would you want to go? Say yes pretty pleaseeeee

escorpiion
8/21/2012 10:50:54 PMI how are you doing today? Looking so beautiful. I would like to get to know you if it don't give you any problem?

Some_Guy_Rick8/22/2012 1:59:19 AM
Lol a repressed artist? Who says that? wtf

So men some advice: stop looking at my boobs, and lets all learn how to spell. I'm seriously offended here. Think of talking to me like interviewing for a job.

Choices

2012-08-21T03:07:00.000-04:00

My whole life I tend to chose the wrong thing first, I know this because I end up devastated by the first and in love with the second.

I went to catholic school over public school. Then left to go to public school.
I went accepted community college over RMU. Then I left for Converse.
I went to MooreCAD over following art. Then I went to Drexel.

In high school I picked one boy over another. Mostly out of convenience. "Tim" went to private school in Philly and "Mark" went to my high school. I thought of my so called life at the time. Who would take me to prom? Who would I know? Would I feel isolated? I ended up picking Mark when all was said and done. I cried for about a week over loosing Tim. It just hurt so much. He had said he never wanted to see me again. I think deep down I knew that I was making the wrong choice, but that Mark just seemed safer. I wanted the certainty of my friends and prom and dances and parties. Little did I know Mark would fuck my world up later but still.

I think about that choice a lot when I'm dating people. Is this person safe? Is this who I would want to be with? Do I even like them as a friend? I find myself saying no to almost all of these. How do you get to the love, if you can't even find the devastation to lead you there?

Putting the the Z in Dysfunctional.

2012-08-15T03:05:00.000-04:00

In my 40's I'm going to be able to write a masterpiece of a movie about my family.

Me: Is there a way to resign from our family, if so can you send me the paperwork?
Bridget: AHAHAHAHA why?
Me: Have you talked to your dad today....
Bridget: No not at all...why?
Me: You should call him, I don't wanna spread info.
Bridget: I just checked Fb... uncle tom died?! When? How?
Me: Yeaaaa I'm gonna call you.

I think that right there really sums up a lot of what is going to be read tonight/day whenever you're reading this. My family is the definition of dysfunctionally fucked up. When I say family I mean my mothers side is crazy in a passive aggressive, mind fuck you kind of way. My dads family is just well words can't describe it.

My cousin (see above) and I have joked about how we only find out the ins and outs of our family when some dies. It's like this big puzzle. We each have a piece of it but until we sit down and talk it all out we don't know anything. Now maybe everyone has a family like that but I find it doubtful. So now onto the drama...

Over the weekend my best friend was in town, now I know what set off the following but I'm not going to details. On sunday morning at like 4 all I know is I was having the most horrific panic attack ever and the only person who could calm me down is a guy I dated briefly who for some reason was up at 4am too. I'm not sure why but I had this feeling of "Holy shit I have to get home now." So that's what I did I went to catch a train that never showed up and I called my dad crying (because I'm 16?) and he picked me up. That man is a saint.

So I'm high on clonapin in order to not have a panic attack again and my dad has tears in his eyes. All I could think was "Omg does he think I was gonna kill myself because that is so not what I need." But instead he goes on to tell me about how my aunt is really really. Now my dad has feelings. A lot of my family doesn't have feelings (see anything I wrote about a funeral experience) but my dad does. So then I cry and then we listen to the Beatles and just talk about George's documentary and how he mocks Paul for being a vegan and wearing a leather jacket. We turn tears to awkward to random. It works for us and it's why we get along so well.

So I go home, I sleep, I drink soup, I go on errands looking like a rag. I'm in zombie mode where I can't make a decision and I'm not really coherent so like none of the following mattered except for the sleep. I haven't slept in days. My horrible horrible therapist is mad at me so she took my ambien away and that's not cool. So when you have a panic attack sleep doesn't happen you just freak out all the time.

I get a little centered, I meditate. I have maybe 4 more panic attacks, go to Ikea and then home on Monday night. I then immediately go out and get drunk. Now I'm not using alcohol as a coping skill here, I'm using it as a social thing lets not get that twisted.

So I wake up late for work all that jazz go to work and then shit gets real. I'm not sure what ESP my mom has but she always knows when I'm going on to my lunch break (which is never at the same time) and she starts with "I need to tell you something that will upset you are you sitting down." She then starts talking and I don't know the words but she did that thing where she's laughing so she doesn't cry. So then I start crying in the middle of Hip City Veg because I can't even process what she's saying. What it comes down to is my great uncle Tom died.

Back story: Tom is my grandmother (she's dead) brother and was very close with all of my dads siblings and my dad. However Tom was very private and reclusive. He lived alone his whole life, never had or really wanted a phone, had the internet for a bit but nothing really for communicating. My uncle Kevin, my dads youngest brother also took my uncle Tom on to care for him. I despise my uncle Kevin. I am convinced more so now than ever that he is the devil. At one point last year I thought he was a good person or at least decent to where I could look at him in a room without wanting to lunge at him. Kevin basically kept my dads family from seeing my uncle Tom. Kevin wouldn't answer e-mails, calls or anything. His wife is lovely but I think she must be deranged to think that any of the following behavior is appropriate.

My uncle Tom died October 2011. Now lets think about todays date. I'm pretty sure it's August 15, 2012. I think we can all do the math on that little doozey there. MY uncle, the man who helped console my family during some of the roughest times of their lives, who stood by my grandmother through her epically hard divorce and courageous fight with cancer died and Kevin told no one.

I don't give a flying fuck how fucking fucked up you think you are. You don't hide someone's death. You took away the closure my family needs. Do you know how fucked up we all are already? All the fucking lose we've had, and you fucking his this. You fucked with my family and lets be clear YOU are not a part of my family in my eyes. You are dead to me. You rant about how no one is ever there for you. Our family has fucking problems. Everyone has problems. You want our fucking help?! ASK FOR IT!!!!!! BE A FUCKING ADULT! Where were you when my brother was born and in the ICU for two weeks? Where were you when my other brother was in CHOP for a week for major surgery?! Where were you when I was in and out of the hospital? Where were you when my dad was going through a life crisis that affected all of us? Where were you when my mom was taking care of my dying grandfather? Did you even know that was going on? How she was there everyday and she held his hand as he died?! No, because you wouldn't talk to any of us. You don't know fucking shit. If you had told anyone what was going on in your life when we asked we would have helped. My dad works hard for this family. He does his God's honest best and I am sick with rage over how you treat him and your siblings and you're nieces and nephews. You have absolutely no morality or humanity. You're a fucking fuck.

I know for a fucking fact you read my blog entries. You're a coward. I hope someday your children know what really happened and I will make it a life goal to ensure that they do. You think I'm crazy now, you fucked with the most important people in my life. I should not have to tell my cousins that our uncle is dead and that our other uncle neglected to tell anyone. That the only way we found out was by trying to find his address or a phone number, because YOU hid him, to tell him that his niece is sick. We had to call the SS office to find out if he was dead. A stranger had to tell my dad his uncle was dead.

I'm not editing any of this. This is my horrible free style writing. I can't even process anything. In the past 48 hours it just searing pain in my body. I feel numb but I'm in constant pain. There's nothing to do. There's nothing to be done. So what happens now? Nothing.

Creepers

2012-08-05T23:56:00.000-04:00

So I've touched on 'dating' or as my grandmother calls it 'me wasting time and still not being married' and I've come to a point where I want to start exploiting it. See how I said exploiting and not exploring. I've decided to create a dating account on match.com and post the creepiest emails that I get. I always have these dating horror stories and no one can believe the shit luck I get so I wanna see what shit luck I can get online now too. SO tonight I created this account and here are some of the winners I got. Now while I won't put up their pictures or usernames I can assure you these are real, and if you want me to prove it to you e-mail me and I'll send you screenshot. In addition to the two I'm going to share tonight, I also got one from an ex, and then one from someone I went on a date with's friend. The irony of the last one being that his friend told me on Saturday that his friend liked me. Screwed up world. So till then enjoy the creepiness.

E-mail 1:
Hi -

I enjoyed your stream of consciousness writing style, mostly. I'll try to be linear: I'm 32, the oldest child, over-educated and looking for the same. The second Master's definitely qualifies you.

Ali

Me judging: Ok you just come off as an asshole.

E-mail 2:

I'm about 20 mins south of Philly!
And not to sound creepy but I guess in one of your pictures you have sticker with what I am assuming is your name. Maggie? Wow you totally look like a Maggie. I mean that in a good way. Your looks totally epitomizes that name.

Me judging: 1. I'm apparently the idiot who posts a picture with their name on it. Removed. Also if you look up what a 'Maggie' is you would know that it was a term used for Irish slaves. So while the investigatory work is excellent by reading a tag on my boob, you also just insulted me by calling me a maggie.

Im not in the mood for taking shit tonight people.

2012-08-02T01:31:00.000-04:00

People wanna give me shit because apparently "I don't care" or "understand human rights" because I'm not more deeply involved in Chick-fil-a.

Suck on these thoughts for a little bit, because while we may be angry over a fast food place, I'm angry over much bigger issues. And YES I think these are much bigger issues to tackle. So go ahead and don't eat your fucking chicken sandwich but better yet get politically involved and stop being self absorbed. Fucking do something don't just say it. I fucking hate how everyone wants to get all political and then do the bare minimum. Fucking step up if you want to start something.

http://blogs.sfweekly.com/thesnitch/2012/06/mollie_judith_olgin_mary_kristene_chapa.php

http://www.hrw.org/news/2011/10/31/fighting-women-s-rights-iran

http://www.advocate.com/news/daily-news/2011/11/04/un-report-spotlights-lgbt-rights-abuses-iran

http://www.aljazeera.com/news/africa/2012/06/2012614155548949117.html

Those articles are what I'm concerned about. Those articles show the ideas in this world we really need to be scared of.

Don't anyone DARE tell me I don't understand the LGBTP community.

Incoherent

2012-08-02T00:47:00.003-04:00

I can't come up with something coherent to write but I know I need to write something to keep readers. I'm sorry for my half-ass attempt tonight.

I refuse to write a whole blog about Chick-fil-a. Point blank I don't agree with their politics. The only thing I will say, well two things, is that 1. They use MSG so its not like I ever at there anyway and 2. I'm so fucking tired of it. I'm so fucking tired. I understand the importance of what their president said, and what it means and everything and I'm totally against it all. At the same time though I see no one standing up to oil companies that support governments that allows gay people and women to be killed every fucking day over the littlest things. So there is my non-rant rant. I don't want to talk about it anymore. If we're going to go big or go home lets take on something a little bit bigger than Chick-fil-a.

I have TMD, notice I said D and not J. D is the appropriate letter. Basically my jaw is locking and I'm so stressed out that I can't talk because my mouth hurts so much. It's alot of fun and a great excuse to be on pain killers for a few days. So if I'm moody towards you, that sucks and I probably don't mean it. It's also from an incident that occurred a bit ago. One of my friends almost called me out on it tonight. I think he knew too well that TMD wasn't just cause by my stress. I want to thank my friends for being there for me. It's weird, I'm not afraid to walk home alone, or be out when i know i could be put in a bad position. But I get scared when I see my friends, because I don't want to be talked about. I don't want it to be a cloud. It's done. It's over. I'm safe, everyone is safe. I have 4 locks and a security camera. Not to mention lots of firearms training. When I'm good and ready I will post the picture of what happened.

My apartment is coming along beautifully. I just need three more frames and a few shelves and it will be done. I'm really glad I studied design for so long so that I can do things like turn an apartment into a home in under 5k. I should look into freelancing that.

Concluding remark:
Facetime, a product that is going to be my new best friend. Thank you Steve Jobs for that lil invention.

Also here's a picture of my happy little dog. That always makes people happy, right? I mean unless you hate dogs or something, and if you can hate that little bundle of joy you have bigger issues.

Ikea battles

2012-07-08T23:24:00.001-04:00

I have a lot of things that I really want to blog about. I have about 6 posts that I just haven't published and I'm not sure if I'm going to or not yet. So don't think that I haven't been writing, I just haven't' been sharing. July is a really hard month for me. I feel like every July I loose someone close to me, with last July being especially hard. I'm trying to make July my new start month in the hopes of rebirth and positive energy. I've cut out a lot of people in my life who have been negative and now with my move into my new apartment and some encouraging new relationships I feel like I can take this July on.

I've been dating a few people and things are going. I think it's nice to figure out what you want and what you definitely don't want in a person. I had been seeing (I use that term so lightly) someone who I liked but then told me he couldn't see me because I wasn't Jewish. Ironically enough a very nice Jewish doctor then asked me out. When a bad thing goes, a good thing comes. PS. still single, it's a chronic condition that I'm not trying to cure. I'm only 25.

Moving was a struggle. My absolute favorite man friend Jason helped me sooo sooo much along with my brother and his friend and my parents. It was like 100 outside and took 10 hours. But the place is wonderful. I feel like I am stealing this place because my rent is so low for this nice of a building. Best location, I can hide from the crowds but it's 10 minutes from work and 15 from DU. It's perfect. Hopefully the dog will move in when it's cooler outside.

I moved a sofa, and then I put it together. I am personally responsible for keeping Ikea in business. I have furnished my whole apartment in Ikea, and I must say it's looking pretty spiffy. It did taken a million years to get all the ikea pieces together, but eh whatever. I'm having a party this month which I will not publicize on here due to the amount of people reading. Next weekend I plan on going home to steal my car to go to DE so that I can but way too much alcohol to stock my bar. Oh yea, this girls got a bar in her apartment. It's also miserable trying to have a wall mounted tv. It's super hard to know where it hang it, mine is currently about two feet too high. God bless my dad for doing it though.

I think that's all the superficialness I can handle for right now. I have a really awesome book about galleries to read. Super excited to read in bed again and watch trashy hbo shows.

Here are a few looks at the unfinished apartment...

Twitter-Hair

2012-06-20T01:09:00.001-04:00

Cause I'm a blonde.... YEA YEA YEA. It's baccckkk, can you feel it? It's blonde season. That's right after much irrational thought I'm making my 6 day pilgrimage to becoming blonde again. I'll be slowly stripping it down till sunday when it will be massively highlighted toned and highlighted again. This is 6 hours of hair. So much effort. This hair change is not a like 'I am woman hear me roar moment' this is my it's summer and I feel like I'm living a lie with dark hair most of the time. I've been blonde almost all of my life, and having dark hair has been great. I really enjoy the part where people take me seriously as a professional, but when one of my coworkers saw a picture of me from college and was like 'Wait that's not you' and I was like well it is but it isn't, I realized how much I miss that person. Plus if I hate it I can change it much faster than if I went darker.

Lets address the big issue that everyone has been fussing over. My twitter account! Forget world peace who needs it when my twitter was hacked! Ok yes, someone did hack into my account. You're all rocket scientists for figuring that one out. Twitter won't fix it though. I have e-mailed with them multiple times and they won't get the bug out and they won't shut it down till 30 days of non activity. I can't do anything, and I can't stop it. So, basically block/unfollow wake_up_maggie_ and start following _wake_up_maggie. It's beyond absurd but that's the best I can tell ya. _wake_up_maggie is whole new account. It is me, I will be posting everything on that. Like how if I actually did all those dieting things 1. they would be in my blog 2. I would be so thin I'd be running around Center City naked. I will say this on the diet front, I'm trying the SkinnyGirl regimen and I think it works but I kinda hate it. The greentea detox tastes like grossness. Better than most detoxes but take that as you will.

Also on the twitter side... do not ever have your girlfriend harass me on a social networking site. This blog is read by hundreds a day and I do not care that that is a small number in comparison to the world. Or like real blogs that people read. I will blast you and the gf on here with your full name, email, phone number and any other info I have on you. I am not down with the mind fuckery. I'm an adult and you're older so you should act like one at least.

End note. Sorry for all the spamming but I can't fix it. Wah?

I Love Forever For All

2012-06-05T00:41:00.000-04:00

Anyone who knows me know my undying love for the LGBT community. I've grown up in one of the most supportive households/families I know, and have some of the most accepting people in the world as my friends. I believe everyone is equal, and that everyone has the right to love and be loved.

Growing up I had an openly gay uncle and I never even realized it until he died. It just never clicked. He was always just my uncle. My moms best friend has been out since I'm not sure how long and it always made sense that my 'aunt' had a life partner. I'm not going to use her name because I'm not sure if she would want it online or not. But it was always A and B. When my mom told me well "A and B are in love so they live together and they love each other, it doesn't make them any different than anyone else. They're like daddy and I just ladies. Everyone loves and everyone deserves to be loved." I was 9 I think when my mom told me that and it made total sense. Still makes sense.

I have multiple cousins who are out, one in particular who I am just constantly proud of. I consistently want to cry when I just think of how awesome she is. Yes, I am the cryer in the family, says how little my family cries doesn't it. I strive to be the strong woman she is.

Two of the best men in my life right now are gay. They will probably read this and text me about how I sound like a princess writing this. But I would give anything for them. I love them, and the love they have with their partners inspires me to find someone who can love me that much.

This is Philly Gay Pride Week.

Sadly (?) I am not gay. Sorry to stop the fantasy straight men who read this. But even though I am not gay, I will be participating Philly Gay Pride Week. One of the most important events is a play that is going up on Thursday night and running through Sunday. The show is called Corpus Christi. My amazingly talented and gifted friend Chris is directing it. All of the proceeds benefit the Tennessee Equality Project to help fight the "Don't say Gay" Bill.

The core of the "Don't Say Gay" Bill is that "No public elementary or middle school shall provide any instruction or material that discusses sexual orientation other than heterosexuality," it reads.

Here is the link to the information for the show:

For Detailed information from ReactiveRep: http://www.reactiverep.org/

And on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/events/319822511425802/

And if you have some free time go here too: http://www.phillypride.org/ (this is hosted by Miss Wendy Williams... How you doooin?)

Please if you have the time, come see this amazing work. If you don't have the time please considering donating money to this fun. Everyone has the right to love and be loved. Just like everyone has the right to be accepted as they are.

There is no ending quote here to sum up how I feel, or how I feel you should walk away from this feeling.

Live in acceptance, love all.

Advocating UDSD

2012-05-21T01:11:00.001-04:00

This is a serious post...

Upon coming back from DC I found out a local school district was about to loose funding for arts and music programs at the middle and elementary school level. I immediately flew into my advocate role. One of my moms friends was working on the campaign, and I got into contact with her. I started following their Facebook groups and inserting correct political commentary when was appropriate. I believe in the arts, and I believe in schools and parents. I do not believe in slander, or ignorant statements.

I think every child should have an education that includes music and art. I could go on a full rant on why, but I've done it to everyone. So go here for more information because Americans for the Arts really puts it in the best, and easiest way to explain.

http://www.artsusa.org/public_awareness/default.asp

After I started reading threads on their Facebook page that point blank stated lies about politicians who are critical political allies to the arts in PA I almost threw up. I was so disgusted by what people were writing. I tried to point out the mistakes, and even caught the notice of the mayor who thanked me for being level headed and presenting facts. No politician is ever going to respond to hostility. Everyone must be open minded, and if you are faced with an opponent who is not open minded, you must stay open minded and present your case the best you can.

Screaming, lying and cheating will get these children no where. If anything it proves they need more discipline because of the example their parents are setting. I hate saying that but think about it. Everything is on Facebook. If you (a parent) are will to post public statements that are blatant lies, and laced with profanity do you really think your kid isn't going to see it? It's Facebook.

I love the idea of Saving the Upper Darby Arts, but I can't advocate with them anymore and that breaks my heart. To support something effectively as a group you need to 1. be professional 2. set your feelings aside and bring up all the facts that support your case and finally 3. be polite. We're all adults and we need to act like it. I feel like for every politician I've contacted that I know (personally and professionally) they've been bombarded with people presenting incorrect information to them. I'm tired of apologizing for the ignorance of others quite frankly. You all need to get it together. Stop contacting people until you know where they stand. More are with you than you think, and you're alienating them.

It's hard to change the mind of people you write slander about. You need facts, cold hard facts. Not Delco Times facts either. Get public Senate and House voting records, reform records, educational records. Get township records, get board records. Filter through it all if you are that dedicated. If you are armed with facts and statistics you can't loose. Presented properly they won't but as it stands it looks like all they want is attention and I know that is not their intention.

Best of luck to UDSD.

Flu

2012-05-21T00:42:00.001-04:00

So I've been sitting in bed for what is now the end of day 4 with the flu. 103 fever and all that jazz. I have many inhalers, zpacs, bottles of tylonal all the glamorous things a woman could want. I sound like Big Ang, if she had emphysema. Naming a brand of cough drops 'NICE' is MEAN. I'm bored out of my mind and if I have to read one more law paper I will flip out. But I've discovered a lot of things while I've been sick.

I need to start an art blog. With the help of my friend/former co-worker/life partner in a straight way Ashley, we are going to be posting about upcoming gallery and museum shows in Philadelphia and the surrounding area, and provide some reviews and feedback. Also going to be posting a few bars that have amazing installations and graffiti work. When it's up, you'll be able to find it here at http://hamiltonhousegallery.blogspot.com/ Hopefully I'll be done dying by Friday and can start posting things. So everyone say hello to Ashley.

Very important discovery: I would marry either Brett or Jemaine in a heart beat, though I would prefer Jemaine. I think he has more attitude. I spent a whole day watching only flight of the concords on hbo and that was my ultimate decision. They encompass everything I look for in a man.

My hair is driving me crazy, someone needs to find a solution so that it looks better for the summer. I will not tolerate this any longer. lighter, darker, shorter, longer something has to happen.

I need a new job, that will prevent me from buying lots of shoes.

I hate the apartment search in Philadelphia, I've never had so many ups and downs in my life. Now consider who is saying that.

I hate interior design. I'm so glad I left Moore, I've been trying to get new bedroom furniture and my grandmother encouraged me to get new stuff (she didn't pay for anything, i did, i have a job) so I picked stuff out and assembled it piece by piece all weekend. By me, I mean my dad and brother. I laid in bed dying the whole time.

I love HBO go. It's awesome it's saved me from boredom so much these past few days. Seriously good stuff.

Susan Lucci

2012-05-04T00:23:00.000-04:00

I'm entitling this Susan Lucci because nothing is as dramatic as she is, but life sure feels like it is sometimes.

Basic breakdowns: I feel bad for not blogging (thank you mike) because apparently it's a responsibility that I have to my audience. So all you suckers who read this you're MY audience. I know I'm saying it mean but what it means is 'hey thanks.'

This was my travel schedule in a nut shell: Philly-SC-Philly-Boston-Philly-DC-Philly all in like 4 weeks. Freaking exhausting.

April recap:

Me: Super tired, so many concerts, parties, assignments, overtime hours at work. Just stretched too thin without getting thin. Also moving possibly in June. I think my hair needs to be trimmed too I'm not sure yet.

School: Love of my life. Could easily replace any relationship I want to be in, and probably is. I love law, I love writing for money. It's just awesome. Not so excited about accounting for the third time. Seriosuly three times, over it.

Dating: Buh, lets not even go there, that's a hot mess. Can I just date my gay man friends? Then I get free drinks and don't have to have awkward encounters. It sounds like a win to me.

Friends: Ballers, Shot Callers, pretty, range in height sizes, super fab. The first two were proper nouns ps not adjectives.

Family: Crazytown, so the DelCo.

Dog: Awesome, straight dominating life.

Rumor has it.

2012-03-27T02:07:00.000-04:00

I'm just answering questions tonight....

Yes, I am single and I have been since...well... I'd say like forever.

Yes. I am going to Boston in a week, and the DC the following.

Yes. I do like a lawyers, I think lawyers who look like Raza Jaffrey are extremely attractive.

No, I am not going to Spoleto. I will be living in Philly this summer. If you want to talk about that feel free to call to find out why.

Yes I do go for douchey guys. It's in my DNA I think. Yes the last guy I saw was planning on leaving me for a weekend to go see another girl. Yes he did lie when he said he wanted to see me and then continue to see me. Yes people did lie to me about it until they were forced to tell the truth. I was betrayed and I won't forget it. Karma will do work on its own.

Yes, I still believe honesty is the best policy. It's what I go by. Clearly some people don't do that. I won't help you lie for lying sake.

Yes. I am sad. But not because of just the obvious, but because of how people think they can treat each other. That's what really upsets me.

Yes. I am upset that I know people are gossiping about me. Calling me names, making things up. Getting caught and lying about it. It's pathetic and sad. If you want to say something come at me.

Yes. I am mad. I am disappointed. I am disheartened. I am becoming cold sadly.

Yes. I am done talking about all of this (my not the Raza part) for now because other than this it doesn't matter.

Blowing up your news feed

2012-03-21T01:03:00.001-04:00

I know I'm sorry. I'm blowing up twitter and Facebook and every other social networking site tonight. Sorry but at the same time I'm not really sorry. If you don't care then just block my updates. I'm also still not editing these, so if I misspell something oh well. Life goes on. I'm going to work from the beginning of march forward. That's the only way it makes sense to me.

Here is a break down so you can pick what chapter of this to read:
1. Waste of time
2. Bitches hating on me
3. Meeting my grandfather for the first time (A good read)
4. South Carolina

In March I...

1. Tried vlogging: I've done 2 blogs now and I can't come to grips with posting them. It is really really weird to just talk into a camera with no one there. I know that someone will listen to it, but it's just weird and kind of difficult to talk without prompts or someone else.

2. I got the living hell bullied out of me. I was tormented in grade school, mean girl style. I was super tall, super super thin and had big lips and big teeth. I'm not saying I wasn't cute but I wasn't stunning. I was 'model pretty' as my mom said, where you're pretty but very awkward and foreign. I was also really nice and naive back in the day so I took a lot without ever saying anything. I may still be tall and have relatively (anyone ever notice how i don't wear lip gloss) puffy lips and big teeth but I'm really over taking shit people.
This is not high school. I think anyone who feels the need to post explicitly rude, private or demeaning things on the Internet about has some seriously messed up personality traits. We (most of us) are 25. Get over yourself. One person who I've been friend and was a sister to me since I was four just stabbed me in the back over what started as a small disagreement 3 years ago. It was the hardest blow I think I've had in a long time, and then another person totally unrelated to the first person throws things on Facebook and Twitter.
On top of this it was two days before my finals. If you want to attack me go for it, but do it in person. Slander only gets you sued. Also while my life may not be perfect, because it's totally not it's pretty messed up at times, it's my life. It's mine and no one else's. If I wake up tomorrow and decide to live on a beach as a hippie guess what? That's my fucking choice. It doesn't make me any better or lesser than anyone it makes me, me.

3. I met my grandfather. I was really hesitant about meeting him. I know of him, I know about him but I don't know him. I thought about it for a while because my dad said that my grandfather wanted to see me. He's been really sick and had massive heart surgery and is like 85 so he's not a spring chicken and rather than regret never talking to him. I went. In the days before seeing him I really considered backing out, but The man (this is what he'll be referenced as) put it the best, "If he didn't really want to see you and try to fix it he wouldn't ask for you. He probably just wants to fix things. Talk to him see what he has to say" Easily the best and most reassuring advice I had. The man is good for that kind of thing. He told the girls who were bullying me to just fuck off. Less classy but it helped.
Anyway I met him. He looks sad, he told me how he's come to grips with his own mortality. He asked me about Drexel and talked to me about my job and what I wanted to do in life. I had no idea he even knew this much about me. He knew everything. He followed me online and said he was really proud of what I've accomplished and he knows I'll go far. The only thing that really upset me was that he didn't know how many grandchildren he had. When my dad was growing up he was 'adopted' by this super big Irish catholic family. I still call most of them aunt and uncle so and so. But Nana (the mom) had like 16 kids. She always knew all her grandchildren and great-grandchildren. It kinda broke my heart that he didn't know and that he'll probably never meet him.
I walked away with it knowing that he's trying. He's trying to make amends even though it's taken him so long, he's trying. He's trying to communicate and have a relationship with me. But most of all he said something he's never said before, he loves me.

4. I had an amazing week with the man, he's just amazing. It's nice just spending time and being normal. But for now I just wanna focus on moving to Charleston. The end.

It's a plot twist

2012-02-21T02:13:00.000-05:00

I've turned into 'that girl'. I'm smiling at texts, blushing in meetings and totally distracted all the time. But I love every moment of it. I don't feel like me, I feel better. This was the best weekend ever. I'm not getting into huge detail because, dun dun dun, it's personal. When things are mine, they're mine and private unless I share it in person. So I had the best weekend ever, with an amazing man and amazing friends. The only way I could have been happier is if it didn't end. I have memories I'll never forget from this, and a whole new way of looking at my worth. I feel like a whole new crazy chapter is starting, so we will see where that takes me. The End.

Sidenote: I'm going to be writing way less, in an effort to actually start vlogging. Get ready for that horrible trip.

A year later...

2012-02-07T01:56:00.000-05:00

One year ago to the day, I had my infamous interview at Drexel where I was told I wasn't up for consideration into the program till they saw I was already in a grad school. Thank God for whoever saw that someone else had screwed up, because that got me into the school that I love today. I'm never going to say that Drexel was my first and only choice because it wasn't. Picking where I was going to go was one of the hardest and most thought out decisions I think I've ever had to make.

A part of me really want NYC. I had NYU, Pratt and FIT NYC. I loved the city, I loved the thrill of the idea of being in NYC and learning and all these things that seemed great in a fantasy. But when reality sunk in and I really looked at my options I realized I had two schools with programs I knew I wasn't going to love, and one school that banked its program on its name alone.

I really loved NYU, it was like the perfect man. It looked good on paper, it sounded great when I said "Hi I'm Hamilton and I've got a Masters from NYU." it was clearly geographically appealing. It was everything I thought I wanted till I knew I could have it. When I took a step back I knew that it wasn't the perfect fit. Between looking at the programing and the people who would be in my program I realized I would leave within a semester, and I would hate the arts as much as I had grown to hate design. There was nothing about the incoming cohort that was about promotion of the arts. I'm not trying to slam NYU, that is not my motive here. It just wasn't my place, I knew it wasn't going to be my home.

I grew up with my mom saying "Sometimes what's popular isn't right, and sometimes what's right isn't always popular." I hate that saying to this day but it's true. The popular choice for me was to go to NYC. Almost all of my friends had or were moving there, and I realized that I was going to be left in Philly again and I did not want that. But I also didn't want to waste 100k. I was freaking terrified. About 3 months after my acceptance, I accepted Drexel.

I went into this program with the idea that I was going to be as involved as possible, and as academically focused as possible. If I made some friends, great. I wasn't overly concerned because I'd been in a program before where I wasn't really friendly with people. In August everything changed. I made some of the best friends in the whole entire world, I probably created some haters, and made the best work connections in the world. I'm learning things that no apprenticeship could teach me, and learning from some of the most influential people in the country.

From the day I started, I've never regretted choosing Drexel over all the other schools. I have days where I don't want to be in school, but then I get into class and get to be with the people I love and I know this is where I should be.

Art Donations: A Personal Plea

2012-01-18T02:20:00.001-05:00

Hey readers, this is a public appeal letter. I consider all of my readers my family and friends and I would appreciate you reading this and possibly making a donation of any kind to this fabulous fundraiser. Thank you.

Dear Friend,

The Drexel Arts Administration Graduate Association is a unique student run organization whose mission is to help prepare Arts Administration students to be successful leaders in the arts and culture sector. The main initiative of this organization is to give Drexel Arts Administration Graduate Students the inspirational opportunity to attend National Arts Advocacy Day in Washington, D.C. Last year, the auction was attended by over 200 people, and as the result of this event we were able to send 21 students to Capitol Hill to advocate for public support of the arts.

Please show your support of this year by donating a prize to the 9^th Annual Art Action to take place in the lobby and atrium of the Papadakis Integrated Sciences Building at 3300 Chestnut Street to help raise money to send students to Capitol Hill this spring. The silent auction helps to raise awareness and support for emerging artists in the Philadelphia area by showcasing original artwork including photography, lithography, ceramics and illustrations. In addition, the auction will include donations from local restaurants, theatres, museums and other not for profit organizations.

To make a donation, please fill out and return the enclosed form by February 10. For any further questions or to reserve tickets, please contact me through my contact information that is listed.

We are deeply grateful for your consideration of this request. On behalf of the AAGA Board, we are sincerely grateful for your consideration of this request, and we hope to see you on Friday, February 17, 2012.

Amazed: You all rock my world

2012-01-18T02:17:00.000-05:00

I wanted to again thank everyone who has been sending me little messages of support and encouragement. From the support I got, I was able to get connected to a group that sets up groups of ppl with bp2 who are newly diagnosed with people who have had it for a while. So now I get to give support in a way which is nice, it's amazing to know that someone is going through this transformation and I can kind of boost them up.

It's weird, I love Jersey Shore, but I really really really respect Vinny for coming out about his anxiety and depression. These are really serious issues it affects all age groups and going without treatment can just really knock ya down. It's never too early or too late to get help, and it's never anything to be shy about.

I'm frequently amazed at how lucky I've become over the past year. I feel like a completely different person now. I feel energized and excited about life and everything that is coming up. Drexel is the best thing that could have ever happened to me right now. I'm studying what I love, with the people I love, in a place that I love. I'm excited to learn, and travel and just start living. At times I remember that I missed a lot because of different circumstances, but I think Drexel is really filling that gap for me. I'm just excited to really love learning again and being involved in activities that make a difference.

I love my job too. I'm not gonna talk to much about it, but just get ready for an AMAZINGLY beautiful spring collection from Thierry, Pas de Rouge, Ara and AGL, as well as many others.

Love my love life. I hear it's raining men in February for me though :) That's all on that.

Vaca

2012-01-09T00:52:00.000-05:00

Most needed vacation ever. Also I checked my stats, what's up with everyone reading my blog when I go away? I'm not gonna update this just because I'm not talking to any of you. Sometimes I just like to go MIA.

But seriously, awesome vacation. Loved loved loved seeing my best friend in the whole wide world. Amazing weather (75 and sunny v. 29) Awesome food, like to die for, I'm so glad we walked everywhere we went. Super cheap drinks. That lead to drinking my face off and then buying amazing jewelry and clothes. Just like everything you could ever ask for in a little get away. Saw the beach and the ocean and it was just amazing. If I weren't so dead set on cities I would totally move back.

I think that was the biggest thing that I walked away with from this trip is just how much I really miss SC. It's weird when I first started school there it felt like I was just traveling back and forth and I didn't have a home, but it turned into one so no matter what city I go to it feels like home now. I reconnected with an old friend...and then fought with two others. I think it's hard to balance things when you're 600 miles away from the people you love, but you deal with it or you move on. I'm definitely coming back soon though, probably sooner than I thought too.

This week is going to be crazy town so I'll be sure to try and update as much as possible!

XXOOXX

Heavy Hearts

2011-12-22T00:49:00.000-05:00

I know most of my entries lately have been really heavy. It's kinda of where I am, things for me have been really good. I'm still really glad that I came out with everything. It's refreshing and I feel like I'm not hiding.

Right now my heart is so heavy, but I'm not even sure it's supposed to be. As anyone who reads this regularly knows my cousin Tommy died in July. It was really sudden and excruciatingly painful. It's still hard, there are times when even a song will come on in my car and I'll loose it. Beavis and Butthead comes on and I loose it. Regardless of what anyone says I'm not sure closure actually exists. I think you can heal, but you never get closure. I was talking with my mom tonight because we're both beyond stressed out and I realized that my cousins birthday was tomorrow (Well now today). It's crazy how time flies by. It's December 22nd already. I don't even know what to do with my self really. I know I'm gonna break down, it's going to happen, but it's scary. This is the first time since August really that I'm scared I'm gonna wash out. When I saw wash out I mean just go numb. It really rarely happens, maybe twice ever that I can classify but still it scares me. Worse is I can't let it happen because I have too much to do. In my previous posts where I said I have things that I struggle with that I don't really open up about this is it. Consider it open. I'm going to be a disaster tomorrow (today).

Today would be Tommy's 26th birthday, when I was little I was always jealous that he was older, now I wouldn't be so jealous to have him be older than me.

He is love. He is brave. He is a McDermott and a Gal. He is my friend. He is my Cousin. He is like an older brother. He was a beautiful man.

He will never be a was, because he always is in my life and he always will be.

So here is to you Thomas Martin McDermott Jr. happy 26th birthday! I hope they have beer in heaven because you deserve a lot of them and no hangover that's for sure. I love you beyond the stars.

And the sun goes down, I watch you slip away....

This is the only song that I can ever come up with when I think about you... I think it applied to the both of us when we listened to it.

Q&A on BP2

2011-12-14T23:41:00.000-05:00

So last night I posted one of the most if not the most personal thing to date. It's not superficial, and it's not artificial it's my life. When I woke up this morning and saw that I had 95 hits in an hour I almost had a heart attack, then I saw the outpouring of love and support and it means the world to me. I am extremely blessed to have such amazing people in my life. With that said, I also got some haters and some question so I want to go ahead and address that now. I might as well be open about that too right, I mean I have nothing else left.

I am in no way a dr. this is what I've been told, read about and experienced please don't take this as actual medical advice.

What is it: There are two main types of BiPolar... BiPolar I and BiPolar II. I suffer from BiPolar II which is way less extreme. BiPolar I & II are scaled on a 0-5 rating system. 0 being you can't move and you become numb and almost comatose and 5 being extreme highs. People who suffer from BP I go between 0-5 without ever really experiencing normalcy. You may have a few good days here and there but you never really even out. With BP II you range between 1-4, you never really hit a 0 or a 5 but it can happen. WIth both types panic attacks are extremely common which I do suffer from, and you have varying levels of anxiety. The big difference is that BP II patients rarely to never experience full blown manic episodes. It's rare, when you experience a manic episode it doesn't last very long for people who have BP II, it usually just affects people with BP I which I do not have.

Is this genetic: Yes and no. Again I'm not a doctor but every doctor I've seen says it has genetic components to it, but it is possible for me to have kids who will never have this. I think my personal fear would be passing this on, but also if I were to ever get pregnant I would have to stop taking all of my meds. That might not seem so scary but it's terrifying in reality. One of those things that is easier said than done.

What do you do for it: Well this is complicated in an easy way? I personally take medicine. MY problem is that my body does not create or react to certain natural chemicals that your brain produces. So I supplement that by taking prescriptions and vitamins and making sure I do a lot of activity. This creates what my body is lacking. Other than that I'm not going to get into specifics on what I take. I have almost like a calendar that I use to track how I feel so that I can see patterns in behavior. I see two different dr.'s once a month a psychopharmacologist: she prescribes everything I take and then a generic therapist. I think everyone at some point should see one, they're basically amazing. I also get blood work done every 2-3 months to check all my levels to make sure that anything I am taking doesn't damage my body in any way.

How do I feel: Fine? Currently I'm in a class case of emotions? I'm not sure how to answer this one honestly. I think like all people I have good days and bad days. I still feel every emotion every other person feels, I just don't feel it on a super intense way anymore. I feel things the way every other person does. I feel normal, or what I think normal should feel like. I'm not numb or muted in how I feel because of the medicines I take. Clearly my personality has not diminished if anything it's made me feel stronger and more confident because I don't have the anxiety that I had before especially socially.

Am I going to die: Well is someone going to kill me? This was the weirdest one quite frankly. NO I'm not going to die from this. It's not like a cancer or something. I would also never off myself because honestly I'm too awesome. Also the type that I have has a relatively low suicide rate, the most important thing anyone with BPI or BPII can do is follow their medicine regiment and any directions their doctor tells them. Either type becomes dangerous when you divert from your mental health plan. You can't just stop taking any of these meds because it's dangerous, they can be addictive in a way so you have to properly wean off them if you do take them, but more importantly no one would put you on ANY of these unless you really really need them. Some of these have dangerous side effects so it's vital to follow your plan, which I do. As long as I do that and listen to my body then I'm in the clear.

On to the haters... As with everything I know people are going to talk. I almost appreciate it because it opens a dialogue that isn't there right now. I hope that someone would stick up for me, or anyone with this. The big thing is you probably know more people with this than you think. It's a silent disorder for the most part. People don't talk about it because of the stigma it presents aka "you're crazy" well yea I might be a little crazy, but I can think of people who don't have this but have done way more crazy shit than I have or ever will do. So to the 3 completely ignorant e-mails I received, thank you because it only makes me stronger and you more ignorant.

Finally, thank you all again. The calls, texts, emails fb messages and postings have meant a lot. I think opening up about this has been one of the most healing things I've ever done. I look forward to being open about this, and I hope that anyone who needs help or has questions or anything really will reach out to me. None of this changes who I am, or defines me as a person, it's just a small part of me. Again I appreciate it all, it's been really much more overwhelming than I could have imagined.

In conclusion:

If Catherine Zeta-Jones can handle this thing... I know I can.

here. there. somewhere.

7-10-24

26 and Still Feisty

When H.S. Haunts

Hey White Candy

Attention Whoring

escorpiion 8/21/2012 10:50:54 PMI how are you doing today? Looking so beautiful. I would like to get to know you if it don't give you any problem?

Some_Guy_Rick8/22/2012 1:59:19 AM Lol a repressed artist? Who says that? wtf

Choices

Putting the the Z in Dysfunctional.

Creepers

Im not in the mood for taking shit tonight people.

Incoherent

Ikea battles

Twitter-Hair

I Love Forever For All

Advocating UDSD

Flu

Susan Lucci

Rumor has it.

Blowing up your news feed

It's a plot twist

A year later...

Art Donations: A Personal Plea

Amazed: You all rock my world

Vaca

Heavy Hearts

Q&A on BP2

escorpiion
8/21/2012 10:50:54 PMI how are you doing today? Looking so beautiful. I would like to get to know you if it don't give you any problem?

Some_Guy_Rick8/22/2012 1:59:19 AM
Lol a repressed artist? Who says that? wtf