Crazy Thoughts

Gah, she liiives

2016-10-23T13:38:00.001+01:00

Hello Blog, I did not realize you were still here. So I've not posted here for a while. I'm still posting to my fiction blog semi-regularly. In fact I just uploaded a interesting short fic of mixed genre. Horror and romance. Tragic sort of course. Horror and romance do not work otherwise. If I ever post the sequel (after substantial revision because that shit ain't pg13) I can have my own Zombie adventure!! ^-^ Okay, okay, I spend entirely too much time on the Zombie genre. The better part is I still haven't figured out the appeal of a zombie apocalypse. Is it because the bad guys are so piss-easy to take care of but the world still descends into an anarchist paradise? Or maybe its the sheer gore, and tragic horror factor of your own family rising from the dead with an insatiable hunger for your brains. God knows. At least I get the desire to write a romance once in awhile.

Sooooooooo, why am I actually here today..... Hahahahahahaha.... I have an assignment due in the morning and I'm no where near done. Therefore I plan on a night of frantic writing interspersed with escapism!!!! YAY. And don't I need it at the moment.. I've been down to my specialist soooo many times recently. The trips to Brisbane are exhausting... I lose not just the days on the road, and the days there, but also a day or two when I get back home because I'm sooo fricken tired. -_- I've spent more time sleeping then working this term. It's been worse since the Dr switched up my pain meds. Chronic pain + fatigue = poor sleep, poor focus, and brain dead Stephy. I'm so glad that the term is over at the end of Oct. I can finally have a break that I've been needing since January. -_- To Quote Marvin "Life, don't talk to me about life..."

Kay, brain, I need one thing from you!!! Help me get my bloody assessments FINITO.

Crazy Beans Out.

This funny old thing we call life.

2016-03-02T06:54:00.000+00:00

I seem to spend most of my life in transitory periods, living through one period of change to another. For awhile this made me feel pretty aimless, as even if I had made a decision, situations change around me and I'm in a lurch fighting to keep up and get ahead. The past 18 months have been particularly interesting to experience, though I'd have much rather watched it from the side-lines the live though it; particular that nasty biochemical depression that occurred after the neuro finished cutting the hole in my head. Actual Depression + Biochemical Depression = not fun, usually suicidal. I think sometimes part of my brain has defaulted to pretending it all happened to someone else. A brain tumor, break up, death of a family member, moving home because of medical dependency on others will all do that to you. I'm just happy I'm past the stage when I wake gasping for breath because I think I'm dying in my sleep, or in tears for no reason, or momentary sleep paralysis (which I really want to see a neuropsychologist about) have diminished to almost never with the exception of the final one. I think my endocrine system has finally recovered from the steroids as well. Back to normal PCOS symptons. It's bad when you just dream about snuggling in, nice and warm, when you're already in bed! lol Fantastic dream, then I wake up because of head, side, back and period pains!

Of course I don't make things easy for myself. I'm starting my social work placement this coming week. With under 25s at that! What a learning curve. I took on an addition elective this semester so I have two theory modules to along side the 30 hour per week prac. I'm now able to process the adoption paperwork for RSPCA so now I do more for them. Fortunately I've cut my news articles down to fortnightly and will be letting my WIN project officer know I'll be working for 4 months so won't be helping with playgroup. I also survived my week long intensive at the Gold Coast Campus 8-4 while still going back to backpackers and finishing assessments - one of which I got an 82% on! My brain works so much better without the pressure. :) Things are going well at the moment so fingers crossed its stays that way.

Course some days it dosen't take much to sour the my mood. I spotted college humour posting a collecting of live tweets from a twitter account of a couple breaking up because of hodkins lymphoma. Real or fake, it's a pretty insensitive thing to post. In fairness to college humour I think they were trying to illustrate how cruel people can be but as someone who's been through it, having your privacy breached like that can make the humiliation and pain that bit worse. I noticed they took the post down rather quickly after I commented that it was rather insensitive whether the tweets were a hoax or not. Besides, even if they're only sharing something that's already posted on the internet they may face legal repercussions. So it made no sense to post it in the first place.

On a brighter note, I've produced some new poems, and new flash fiction.

Ch-Ch-Changes

2015-12-12T04:42:00.000+00:00

Sometimes I visit this blog and think 'OMG, it's still here?' I spend more of my time blogging here about my various writing projects then I do on Crazy Thoughts rambling about my life. This has not been deliberate, it's just I initially started blogging as a form of free writing - a way to clear the webs from my thought before I attempted a serious project such as an essay or story. As a result I started Next Stop: The End (link above) because on writing project lead to another and very soon I no longer engaged in free writing unless I'm stumped (like today).

Crazy Thoughts also became a repository for allergen free recipes, and craft or soap related activities. I still make soap, but infrequently because the stuff last so damn long, though I can give it away quite quickly; I just haven't bought the necessary equipment since I moved, so it's an activity that's on hold till I need to make some more. I did make a yummy banana milo cake a few months ago, a recipe I will share eventually, but its still experimental. The only project of note was the Handmade Dog Coat that I shared on my word press blog, and had to intended to share here too. However I've become increasingly busy since I started my Master's degree.

Yes. Master's degree. Totally Crazy. It's not the only change either. Poor Maxie had to be euthanasied because his cancer was causing him distress. At least he can finally see Luke again. Max still looked for him every time he heard a noise downstairs. Because of all the events of this year my aunt now has decided to sell up, and down size. The house will be on the market and the house de-cluttering shall begin. This won't be an easy task. I'm just glad that I've only bought clothes and text books since I moved in! Getting rid of most of my possessions, furniture and miscellaneous household items was not fun... Or easy because I still had not gain full use/strength of my leg back after the craniotomy and the fatigue meant i'd fall asleep in the middle of doing tasks. It was ridiculous.

Of course it would have been so much easier if the Ex had taken his clutter with him when he bolted in fear of what the tumour meant. I mean, seriously, don't leave others your crap to deal with; it's not fair.

Molding our Young.

2015-10-25T11:09:00.000+00:00

And here it is, my second news article! I see no reason why it shouldn't be published in some fashion if The advocate can't find room for it in the already full broadsheets. My writing seems to have focused strictly on the non-fictional at the moment. While this is a learning experience, I'm missing fiction. I'm going to make myself do so flash fiction this week, damn it! The following article is one I submitted last week for possible publication. I'm currently working on another on behalf of Welcoming Interculteral Neighbours Inc.

Gladstone cultural diversity has seen a steep rise over the past few years, yet we only have one playgroup that reflects the changes within our community. The Multicultural Playgroup, run jointly by Playgroup QLD and WIN Inc., establishes a safe niche for children to learn and play while creating a place of mutual respect, and dignity for family groups. For these families, the playgroup makes a refreshing change from normal as children are encouraged to use both languages in the very same social activities provided by other playgroups. Through exploring the various cultures in a social context these children form an accepting community at an early age – preparing them for a future where communities are certainly going to become far more diverse.

The early years of childhood are important to the development of a child's social awareness of their world. It is during these formative years that children learn how they should cope with others who are 'different' from them. This makes is the best period for forming healthy inter-cultural interactions. As such it would be a mistake to think that the Multicultural Playgroup is purely for those of different ethnic origins. Many Australians could benefit from a deeper understanding of our neighbours, and this playgroup provides a perfect forum. Any and all are welcome to join us. The Multicultural Playgroup is free and runs at the Neighbourhood Center on 105 Toolooa st every Friday from 9:30-11:30.

For more information please visit us at Welcoming intercultural Neighbours at 10 Tank st, Gladstone. We can also be contacted by email at admin@win-australia.org.au or by phone on 0487 422 142.

I feel that this one is an improvement on the last article; flowing more fluently with the structure of a proper news article. This style is not a bad fit for someone already experienced with the concision of flash fiction. Hopefully, practice will make perfect and I will be able to get fiction written. Of course, I've been keeping myself busy with work for both WIN and the RSPCA and prep for my course starting in November. I like to be busy, clearly.

2015-10-13T01:17:00.003+01:00

Charlie actually has a happy face. I found it!! Yay!

Max is adorable when he's sleeping.

Hairy babies.

University in the digital age

2015-10-08T09:57:00.000+01:00

I was asked to comment on the video for an E-learning orientation for my Griffith Masters course. I ended having a good giggle because I went to a public primary school in an under-funded socio-economic area in the 90's.

When I started primary school the use of devices for learning was extremely limited. Mobiles had only just come into existence. Touch-screen tablets were a flight of fancy fit only for sci-fi. As for my primary school's computers? Those were old for the 90's... and use was restricted to early teaching games and touch typing programmed. The idea of searching 'the web' for information was in its infancy and it was to the school's outdated textbooks children were referred. In my life I have lived through the advance from Atari to Xbox, wii, and PS4. I now walk around with a mini-computer 'smart' phone, read e-books off a tablet, and essays that I had to submit in awful handwriting are completely drafted, revised and submitted via Electronics.

The use of electronics as advanced so quickly that younger generation no longer understand how to cope offline. Social scientist debate as too the nature of this revolution. Is it advancing our intelligence or is it limiting it? While we know, do we over rely on the knowledge that is readily at hand.. Will future scientist become so adjusted to using software to do their thinking that they no longer understand the knowledge they seek?

My only answer is that the digital age has opened up more doors for education then the world ever did for me, and my pursuit of knowledge will be coupled by a desire for deeper understanding.

To the beat of a different drum.

2015-08-16T11:03:00.001+01:00

It has been ages since I posted. Since march I have been either stupidly busy, fatigued or dealing with ill-health both related to my tumor or my immuno-suppression, and setting up new specialists. I'm finally back to semi-regular posting with my fiction blog. I'm finally sort-of settled into my new living situation. I've been spending lot's of time with old friends, family and a pair of adorable doggies of whom I've been playing surrogate mother too. Time really dose flow to it's own beat, as before I had even realized it, August had arrived.

I'm not a fan of August. Too many bad things happen around August. Every year I wonder what will happen this time. I'm hoping nothing because I've already had enough shit for one year. The 25th is around the corner. I've survived another year. Not yet 30 and I'm marking off years of life with the same sense of achievement usually held by those over 70.

The 28th - anniversary of my first Grand Mal. Oct 2nd - Anniversary of my awake craniotomy. Oct 7 - Anniversary of a bitch-slap I never deserved from life or from someone I cared about and trusted. It would be nice if it ended there. But life is not so kind. Then there's March... When we will be wishing that one of our own was still here.

We never know how much time we have left. There a things I no longer care about because I've learned there are things I'll never have. There are things I can't worry about because I can't affect the out come no matter what I do. Instead I choose to focus on what I can achieve, what I can do. Even when it seems insufficient to what life throws at me.

I'm still around, just down under. :p

2015-05-31T01:44:00.000+01:00

31 of May. Less then a week left in Aussie country. Eep, I have to face another flight. Gah. I may be safe to fly but the trip over made me feel roouugh.

I need a how-to on how to get to sleep

2015-04-09T17:02:00.000+01:00

My insomnia has gotten bad again. I'm on anti-epileptics that should make me sleep like a log. But I'm struggling to get to sleep at decent hours. Then when I've finally been up long enough to cause exhaustion I need to sleep ridiculous spans to catch up. I'm trying to force a structured routine to make my body tire naturally but so far no luck. But then I only have just managed to start getting a little more activity in without risking seizures. Beginning to feel like by the time I'm full recovered from the first op the surgeons will be cutting in to resect the tumour again. On the bright side, the tumor may just shift away from the section of my brain that controls the movement of my right leg. So I may get to keep they movement of the limb.

Quiet times

2015-03-31T17:27:00.000+01:00

I made a little mistake. I cut down on my painkillers. This by itself was fine. Unfortunately it got to the point I stopped taking them. Bad decision.

I haven't had a lot of desire to do much recently as a result. I have a semi-permanent headache and bad quality sleep most of the time. Most normal people would take pain-killers, but not me. I am so used to having headaches that I just carry on. It wasn't until I had a really bad migraine and was forced to take some that I realised just how much it was affecting me. Suddenly I had some much more desire to be active and Write.

Homemade orange tea

2015-03-16T20:01:00.000+00:00

I've recently started to make my own teas, rather than buy dehydrated, over-processed bags from the shop. Fruit and herbs teas are made from the same ingredients as juices or soups. The major difference is that the pieces have been finely diced, dehydrated and had, in some cases, preservatives mixed in. The real irony is the same ingredients in the tea bag often get chucked out in the food waste bin. For example, if you want orange tea all you need is orange rind. Stick into in a small pan with water a sugar to taste and a few minutes later you have orange tea. Great part of a healthy diet as the rind has plenty of various vitamins and minerals that usually end up tossed.

Other suggestions for old rind

Candied - Boil to soften then roll in raw sugar

Addition to stir fries and salads.

hospitals

2015-03-09T22:35:00.002+00:00

Not been one of the good days. Crippling headache and I have to go to JR for my follow up tomorrows.

Time to make a move

2015-03-07T18:36:00.000+00:00

I have been considering switching entirely to my Wordpress blog. The blogger platform is limited in certain ways. It is not a very social platform. Wordpress makes it very easy to communicate with other blogs. It is also so very easy to find other blog. I'm just not sure the random eclectic content I've published over the time I've had this blog would suit the theme of my fiction orientated blog. Cluttering it up with the occasional craft or random thought would add depth to the contents but might detract from it's purpose.

It's not a major decision or even one I'm in a rush to consider. But I'm not longer sure there's any logic to keeping two blogs.

Chocolate cures all

2015-03-04T15:54:00.000+00:00

Deep cleaning of my room and bathroom done; head swirling and giving me odd disconnects from movement. I deserve chocolate now. I will go out for a Mall 'walk' and get some. Mall Walk are the only way I get exercise these days. Short distance from the flat and always warm no matter what the weather.

MEgrains

2015-02-28T16:36:00.001+00:00

I haven't update this blog in a while. Thought it was about time. I have been focussing my creative writing blog Next Stop: The End, which currently updates almost every day; often with 2-3 flash fics a day. My other blog has grown to some 250+ followers with 80 odd twitter followers. Can't say I'm complaining, I'll be happy if even 10% of those followers are regular readers. Today I even managed a concrete paragraph for a story line I've been planning out for months.

I talked to my Doctor today about the extending my sick note. Apparently I can extend it as long as I need. At this point that's fine by me. I'm building up the amount of work I'm capable off but I still have frequent headaches, migraines, and bouts of fatigue. I have been applying for jobs that are part-time and within my current capabilities but so far my application is either ignored outright or I get interviewed and automatically fail once it comes to my recent health matters. It feel like I'm not going to get a job until I'm no longer affect by seizures or brain surgery or until I deliberately choose not disclose my 'disability'. Because the seizure effects, right-side issues, and surgery-related side-effects are still quite obvious I can't not disclose. Seems my value as a staff member has fallen. Gotta love society...

2015-02-11T19:31:00.000+00:00

Yay! I don't know what I did or what's happening but YAY. Being excited for no reason is brilliant.

Wisdom for today

2015-02-08T23:05:00.001+00:00

The act of being strong is in accepting you are weak and facing that weakness with courage born of understanding your fears.

Anemia

2015-02-05T21:03:00.000+00:00

Shit luck is getting a bad bladder infection and a period on the same day. Now wonder I fancied liver... Need to replace my lost iron...

Shifting towards the future

2015-01-28T23:03:00.001+00:00

Yahoooo! My creative writing blog is doing so very well!! I'm averaging between 50-100 views a day. I have people encouraging me to finish a novel because they want to read more of my work. I have Authors who's writing ability I respect telling me not to procrastinate on it. :) This month has been a great turn around. It was a bit rocky at first with employers/housing allowance situation but that resolved itself with a big push from me. It helps that the people who didn't care have left. I never could stand people who would tell you lies because they were in denial themselves. Love made me put up a lot of poor behaviour. I will keep in mind that you can only heal an abused dog if he wants it. Just wish I hadn't wasted so much time encouraging them towards mental health. There were times I need that myself. I entered a dark place again quite recently and I didn't much enjoy being there. Worrying about hiding my painkillers so I won't be tempted to take to many or only handling knives when others were around unless I did something harmful was a chore well and truly. I really wanted to leave that place in my teens where it belonged. I want to move forward not back. I want to enjoy what time I have, whether it's days or decades.

Thoughts for the day.

2015-01-28T22:40:00.001+00:00

Procrastination is an art form.
Depression is realising that if my head process this well during my degree I would have gotten a first
Dealing is realising that I still got a 2:1 with a lump pressing against the part of my brain that controlled intellectual functions.

Tiredness

2015-01-28T14:42:00.002+00:00

So tired I almost feel drunk with it. :D

....zZzZZ

2015-01-26T15:23:00.000+00:00

I'm so fricken tired. I've been have trouble sleeping for various reasons. So I stayed up reading till 5a.m. Brilliant... I expected to drift long before that. I'm still trying to write a formal request letter to my employers for payslips. It's nearly complete but between the mix of emotion the entire situation has awakened and the tiredness I can't seem to okay the draft. I had better luck with my creative writing this morning, but it's not urgent!

I am Pin Cushion

2015-01-23T00:51:00.000+00:00

No jokes. I should change my name to Pin Cushion. Every time I need a cannula I entered into an insane little ritual. The nurse will prod my elbows to find a vein. Each one will seem too deep, too close a tendon or will roll itself out of the needles way. Then they usually go after my wrist. Today, today.... My valve blew because the needle was dangerously close: no harm but a nice bruise. At this point the radiologist is called. After slapping my hand for what seems like ages and asking me I have drunk enough today he finally tries the veins in the back of my hand unsuccessfully twice. At this point I no longer care. So they go for my other wrist, finally get the canula in and we get on with the MRI. But then, the vein gets its revenge. They remove the canula and the little bastard won't stop bleeding....

With the exception of the bleeding, this happens every time.....

Anyone else want to jab me today?

STARBUCKS!!!

2015-01-22T15:26:00.001+00:00

I finally have it! The first cup of Starbucks coffee in 4 months. It's been soooo long :( . I'm in Oxford for my first proper MRI since the craniotomy. And it's too cold for me to wander around. I forgot how pretty Oxford, even mid-winter. I almost regret getting here 2 hours early but that's just perfect time frame for sitting in 'bucks having a drink. Funny bit is I would have gotten to headington and hour earlier but trains heading south from Banbury were facing severe delays as the result of broken down freight train. Fun day for rail staff.

It's been a busy day already. First job was to get to a drs appointment to ask my dr to write a letter to send to the benefits office on my behalf. I am hoping it will be enough to make them reconsider suspension off the housing allowance because, while I am pursuing other avenues to get my payslips, it will be cutting it close if I do get them in time. At the moment I have to hope the benefits team will accent bank statements. Bloody frustrating. The worst part is I'm not even blaming the benefits team; it's their job. Although the best part of the day was my dr advising me not to go back to working with them. Highlight.

But I guess I am going to have to go into my savings sooner than planned either way -_- I need new glasses, sooner the better. The prescription difference is substantial enough that I get eye strain just walking around town. Working the mail-out at age concern was fun. Had to keep stooping or bringing the envelopes uncomfortably close to my face evey time there was a snag.

Good on ya, Google

2015-01-19T21:07:00.001+00:00

Google plus sharing system just gave the best laugh. I shared my most recent flash fic yesterday only to discover that it has tagged it under the most ludicrous thing ever: bear. The fic is about a teen who has run away from home only to be found by her brother; it has Nothing to do with bears!!! The only time I mentioned the word 'bear' was in my explanatory note as to why I did not want to reduce the word count further. However, this give me a good laugh. :) I needed that. It's been a stressy day. My housing allowance may be suspended in 3 weeks if my work place doesn't send me my last three payslips which they should have been sending me in the first place. To top it off they have not even replied to the email I sent to them regarding the matter last week. According to the benefits office they can not accept any other documentation. If that benefit is suspended I'm going to have to move my phasing back to work plan a month ahead of planned date because I will need the money to cover rent. ;.;