Colin's Corner

Fault Lines

2015-07-17T18:04:00.001-07:00

The more I am at fault, the more I am not at fault. The more I an not at fault, the more I am.

I know the above statement makes no sense in so many ways, but it is my life. I either killed or contributed to killing Colin, or I did not. It is that simple. SIDS is that simple. Death happens for a reason. I have struggled for 4 years, 4 months, 2 weeks, and now almost 2 days looking for an answer to something that makes no sense and offers no real answer. SIDS is a diagnosis of exclusion and when you finish the list of what might have happened, you arrive at a SIDS diagnosis. It gives no comfort, no solace, and no path toward healing. It is truly an insidious acronym that just looks at you and shrugs its shoulders.

So, if you are still reading...what next?!?!?! What do you do with an non-answer to an open ended question. Well, for me, you obsess, you make poor choices, and you slowly die in an effort to derive reason from the unreasonable. It is a maddening, selfish, and very dark pursuit that I do not recommend. The answers never come. The path leads to dead end after dead end, and you destroy everything around you, because you destroy yourself. At the end of the day, the answer is still the answer...your (and my) child is dead, and we can not fix, change, or alter the outcome. Dead is really fucking final, and it really fucking hurts. It has taken the above listed time frame for me to understand this, and I hope this post lessens the time another Dad (or Mom) needs to come to the same realization.

I know that I do not post often and I have withdrawn from the SIDS community, but if this or any other post touches or helps you, I am still here...just not as "out there" as before.

I wish you all a peace and love that gives you comfort, and knowing that is more difficult than imaginable, I can say that it can be found through the love of friends well known and friends you never wish you had met.

Keep pushing forward, and never be afraid to reach out...no matter what time of day or night

Steven (Colin's Daddy)

Just Needed to Babble

2015-04-14T10:40:00.001-07:00

I have spent over four years trying to figure out the how and why of everything, and why it is so hard to forgive myself, stop wearing the guilt, and just move forward, always remembering what my family lost, but being able to allow myself to move in a more positive direction. The answers have been all over the place these past four years and none of them has ever really addressed what I realized about myself and why this still hurts so much. Throughout this journey I have been looking for the answers in all the wrong places. I obsessed over SIDS…like knowing what it is makes a difference. Dead is dead, no matter the cause. I have consumed more alcohol than I ever care to admit figuring that numbness was better than pain, but as always, the numbness wears off, and the pain is still there. I have yelled, screamed, cursed everyone and everything in this universe for having to live with this unfairness, and I have just gone into my own shell and wallowed in depression because I wanted and needed to constantly beat myself up since it had to be my fault. Then I realized something…and this is why I believe grief is the most selfish of emotions…I was unique in that I am the only one on this Earth who can never get away from Colin’s death bed. I know, I know, my wife and oldest daughter have their uniqueness surrounding their experiences and grief, but this post is about my realization. Recently, I have become a bit obsessive when showering in washing my shoulder (the physical place where Colin died), like soap is going to wash away his death. I know it doesn’t make any logical sense, but I do it anyway. Recently, I started having flashbacks again since my youngest has now taken to resting her head on that same shoulder, and every now and again, I get a cold chill that runs throughout my body, triggering another flashback. I look down to reassure myself that the child there is my living daughter, and not my dead son. Sometimes, it takes a few seconds for the image of Colin’s lifeless body to go away. Sometimes it disappears immediately and my heart stops racing, and my mind goes back to the here and now. Either way, it has been making me a bit obsessive in trying to rub death off of my skin, which again, is a bit crazy, but it is at least a better coping mechanism than a lot of other options. This is the part when my brain starts wishing for replacement parts so I could just go to the hospital and get a whole new arm because, quite frankly, I am really quite tired of feeling so damned unique.

Please Help a Friend

2015-03-13T11:17:00.002-07:00

I spoke with a friend today with whom I have never met in person, but has the common bond of burying our sons. We also share the bond of having buried them pretty close together in the month of March. Sadly he just passed the first anniversary of his son's death, which is the toughest. To compound things, the contract he was working on expired, and he is battling a case of bronchitis...talk about being kicked in the gut...repeatedly. This is not just beyond unfair, it is some cruel joke someone is playing on my friend. So, by now, you are probably wondering why I am rehashing his troubles here. Well, I am writing to those who still come here from time to time, to take a moment and let my friend here know how you survived. Let him know that you can make it and go on living a good and productive life. Let him know that as dark as it ever gets, there is still a glimmer of hope that keeps you going. He knows my story, and how I have made it this far. I know he knows other stories as well, but being part of this god-awful club does give us the power and responsibility to help one another...especially during the really dark and difficult times. So, on behalf of my friend, I am asking that you let him know how you survived...and continue to survive.

Comments are open, so you can put your story here if you like, or just your own blog or message boards. Either way, just post it so my friend and others who feel all hope is lost, know that it is not.

Thank you

Another Daily Anniversary

2015-03-02T07:06:00.003-08:00

Well, here we are on yet another anniversary that no one wants to celebrate. It is official. Colin has now been dead for four years. Yesterday was far tougher than today since we went to church and the mass was offered up in his name (per what we do every year), and friends started to well up and look over at us since just about everyone knows whose child died and where we normally sit. It is an awkward moment when you catch the eyes of someone crying for you and your dead son, and all you want to do is stare at the floor and pretend to not be noticed or notice them.

Anyway, yesterday got me thinking about today and what does the actual anniversary date mean. Is it different from any other day? The answer to that question is yes and no. It is different for everyone else because they have their own lives and while friends and family think about Colin and us from time to time, they do not live "it" every day…we do. So, there is the no part of the answer. It is not different for us because every day is its own anniversary. Every day is a reminder of another day that we will never get to see Colin grow up and never know what it would be like to have a now four year old little boy running around the house. So, the anniversary date really is just a marker in time for everyone else to reflect about whatever they need to. It is also a day when they reach out to share that they too lost the "neighborhood baby" those four years ago, and it is comforting in an odd way to know that they still grieve in their own way. Maybe it is not so odd actually, since Colin's death really did unify a community in its own way. Many relationships started soon thereafter, and many others flourished because of the outpouring of support. So, on this anniversary, Colin will be remembered and love a little bit more by all who miss him.

Tomorrow, everyone will go back to their normal routines, and that is what should happen for all of them. We will also go back to our normal lives and routines, because tomorrow, and every day forward is just another anniversary we recall and reflect upon but never celebrate. Colin is missed a greater deal by a great many people, and that brings comfort on this particular day when we all take a moment or two to think about how and what he would be like now.

Another year gone

2015-02-27T07:14:00.001-08:00

On Monday, it will be four years since you died. I just can not believe that it has been that long and yet still feels so fresh and raw some days that it is overwhelming. My sweet little boy who never got a chance at life yet in two short months effected some many people in such a positive way. You were and still are the neighborhood baby, and I know that I am not the only one who misses you, but I can guarantee that no one, except for Mommy misses you more. I still love you and miss you so much that I can never express how much in words.

4 years old

2015-01-02T05:56:00.000-08:00

Happy birthday to my little boy who would be 4 years old today. I love you and miss you as much as ever.

Daddy

Holiday Grief

2014-12-23T09:14:00.002-08:00

Holidays are clearly some of the roughest terrain we navigate after a loss. The ways we handle them are as individual as we are. What is vitally important is that we be present for the loss in whatever form the holidays do or don’t take. These holidays are part of the journey to be felt fully. They are usually very sad, but sometimes we may catch ourselves doing okay, and we may even have a brief moment of laughter. You don’t have to be a victim of the pain or the past. When the past calls, let it go to voice mail…it has nothing to say. You don’t have to be haunted by the pain or the past. You can remember and honor the love. Whatever you experience, just remember that sadness is allowed because death, as they say, doesn’t take a holiday.

Even without grief, our friends and relatives often think they know how our holidays should look, what the family should and shouldn’t do. Now more than ever, be gentle with yourself. Don’t do more than you want, and don’t do anything that does not serve your soul and your loss.

------------

As much as it hurts, the holidays are not going to go away. This is the best advice I have read in quite some time.

"You don’t have to be a victim of the pain or the past."

Here is the link: http://grief.com/grief-the-holidays/

Another year, another...

2014-12-22T09:12:00.002-08:00

Another Christmas approaches, then another New Year, Colin's birthday, and so on…and it is strange how time seems to slow during the holidays, and then they are over in an instant. This year is not much different from the previous three. Christmas is bittersweet as usual. There is great joy in seeing the family all together and watching the kids tear open presents, and make a disaster out of the living room. There is also underlying sadness that comes from all the regrets and what could have beens. However, since I can not change the past, as I was reminded by someone I love, I am trying my best to focus on the now and make my living family happy. They deserve nothing less.

Other reminders are friends who have recently buried loved ones, including children, and distant friends/dads who still reach out to me from time-to-time. I am not sure why they pick me, but if they feel comfortable and my words help, then I am still more than willing to be there. To them, I wish some peace and serenity this holiday season, and every day of their lives. They also deserve nothing less. Peace to all of you and yours today…and every day.

Baseball Playoffs

2014-10-09T07:04:00.000-07:00

The baseball playoffs are here, and the Orioles are looking like a pretty good World Series favorite. I have been staying up way too late watching games that are on the west coast, and sometimes falling asleep due to the fact that they run so late into the night. An extra glass of wine does not help with staying awake, but sometimes that extra glass takes the edge off of thinking too much. While the intense pain is no longer at the surface, it is times like this that are reminders of what could and should have been. You should be brushing up on your stats and listening to your crazy dad yelling at the TV when the umpire blows a call, or jumping off the couch when some Oriole hits the game winning home run, but instead I sit alone, late at night watching a silly game that, at the end of the day, does not mean a whole lot, but just makes people feel good. Hopefully the Orioles can pull out 8 more wins and raise a long overdue World Series banner, and hopefully the baseball playoffs will stop making your daddy think so much about what should have been. It isn't good for anyone…especially me.

TJ Humphrey

2014-07-31T06:35:00.003-07:00

I know that I have not written in a while, and that this blog is normally reserved for my feelings and thoughts about all things Colin, but today is about Timothy "TJ" Humphrey who died yesterday from injuries sustained in a severe motorcycle accident. I barely knew TJ personally, but have worked with his mother for almost a decade. She is a close friend, and knowing what pain she is in and will continue to face hits way too close to home. While TJ was 30 years old, her was still her baby, and the natural order of things has be disrupted yet again, and it really sucks.

A little background on TJ: Here was a good guy, worked hard, was a husband, and a father of two children (a 2 year old, and one just over a week of age). On July 26, TJ just went out for a little ride when a motorist unwittingly crossed right in front of him, causing the fatal crash. Neither alcohol or speeding were involved, yet it happened and a mother, wife, and two children (not to mention other family and friends) lost a loved one as TJ died from his injuries yesterday afternoon.

I mention all of this because there is a fund set up in order to help the family as the way too young widow and her two young children try to move forward with their broken lives. I am asking that anyone who reads this and feels compelled to do something…please forward it, post it on your site/blog, and help in any way you can. The link is provided below.

Thank you.

TJ's fund

The Road Less Travelled

2014-02-26T06:58:00.001-08:00

It has been almost 3 full years since Colin died. This coming Sunday marks that terrible anniversary, and I find myself finally nearing the place where the roads converge again. I am glad to be getting off this road less travelled because, quite frankly, it was a crappy path. I am not going to go into all the details that made it so crappy. Those who know don't need to ask, and those who feel the need to ask, don't need to know. That may sound callus, but it is where I am. My mind is weary these days. I am not looking forward to another death date to acknowledge, and have those around me feel the need to offer sympathy. I am just enjoying trying to live in the moment and not worry about the past or the future. I can't change one or predict the other…and it took me a long time to accept the former. So, as I step back onto the main road, I am feeling a little more at peace knowing that my life is moving forward in a positive way. I know there are still many speed bumps and pot holes, but I am pretty adept now at seeing and avoiding them. It took the better part of 3 years, but at least it happened.

As always, to you, my son…I love you and miss you every moment of my life. Hopefully you can now be proud of the way I will live my life from here on out.

SIDS Linked to Brainstem Abnormalities

2013-12-02T08:03:00.000-08:00

A new study suggests that many infants dying suddenly and unexpectedly in all kinds of sleep environments have underlying brainstem abnormalities.

The researchers, led by Hannah Kinney, professor of pathology at Harvard Medical School and Boston Children’s Hospital, also point to the need to detect and treat this underlying vulnerability early. They report their findings in the December issue of Pediatrics.

The investigators have shown over the past two decades that infants who die suddenly, unexpectedly and without explanation— whose deaths are generally attributed to sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS)— have differences in brainstem chemistry that set them apart from infants dying of other causes.

These abnormalities impair brainstem circuits that help control breathing, heart rate, blood pressure and temperature control during sleep and, the researchers believe, prevent sleeping babies from rousing when they rebreathe too much carbon dioxide due to inadequate ventilation, breathe too little oxygen or become overheated from overbundling.

At the same time, epidemiologic studies have shown that infants dying suddenly and unexpectedly are often found sleeping face down with their face in the pillow, or sleeping next to an adult in a bed—environments that have the potential to lead to smothering and death by asphyxia.

In the new study, Kinney and colleagues asked if all these infants are truly normal. They re-examined their data, reviewing the cases of 71 infants who died suddenly and unexpectedly, were autopsied at the San Diego County Medical Examiner’s office from 1997 to 2008 and had brainstem samples available for analysis. The researchers grouped the infants according to sleep circumstances— those that were considered likely to generate asphyxia and those that were not— based upon death-scene investigation reports.

In the end, they compared 15 infants with SIDS whose deaths were deemed not to involve asphyxia (group A), 35 infants with SIDS whose deaths were possibly asphyxia-related (group B) and 9 infants who clearly died from other causes (controls). They excluded the other infants for either insufficient data or evidence of other clear risk factors for death, such as exposure to drugs or extremes of temperature.

Brainstem neurochemical abnormalities involving serotonin, serotonin receptors, GABA receptors and 14-3-3 (a protein that regulates serotonin) were found in both group A and group B. Infants in these two groups had the same brainstem abnormalities, even though group A had no environmental risk factors for asphyxia. Both groups had significant biochemical differences from the controls.

“Even the infants dying in a potentially asphyxia-generating situation had an underlying brainstem abnormality that likely made them vulnerable to sudden death if there was any degree of asphyxia,” Kinney said. “The abnormality prevents the brainstem from responding to the asphyxial challenge and waking.”

The investigators believe these findings confirm that sudden unexplained death in infants is associated with underlying vulnerabilities, and that not all infants who die in compromised sleep environments are normal.

“Certainly, there are compromised sleeping environments that can cause any baby to die, such as entrapment in the crib, but if it’s just sleeping face down, the baby who dies may have an underlying brainstem vulnerability,” said Kinney. “We have to find ways to test for this underlying vulnerability in living babies and then to treat it. Our team is focused now upon developing such a test and treatment.”

Kinney emphasized that the government’s “Safe to Sleep” campaign (formerly called “Back to Sleep”) has saved thousands of infant lives, and has likely included vulnerable babies.

“Safe sleep practices absolutely remain important, so these infants are not put in a potentially asphyxiating situation that they cannot respond to,” she said.

Funders of the study include the National Institutes of Health, First Candle, the CJ Foundation for SIDS, the Jacob Neil Boger Foundation for SIDS, the Marley Jaye Cerella Foundation for SIDS, River’s Gift and the Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities Research Center at Boston Children’s Hospital.

Run/Walk for SIDS

2013-09-05T07:52:00.004-07:00

There is a SIDS event in Greenbelt this weekend. If you can attend and/or support in any way, please consider doing so. The link is provided below.

Thank you.

Run/Walk for SIDS

Religion

2013-08-26T19:08:00.001-07:00

I will not get into why, but religion came to the forefront this evening. I never thought it would be a divisive subject, but it somehow always is. I hate organized religion. I hated it when my father beat it into me. I hated it when I was told to sit down and shut up being one of the few protestants in a catholic school. I hate it now that my son is supposed to live in limbo/purgatory because he was never baptized in the catholic church (yes, I refuse to capitalize those words). What bothers me the most is that people...very flawed people (just like me) believe they have it right. How arrogant we are to think we know what is beyond our understanding. No matter if I am wrong or right, God and I will work it out, or not. Either way, I am not going to ask "saints" or "intermediaries" to speak for me. I will stand tall in front of "god" and say what needs to be said. There will be no prayer, no kneeling, no asking of forgiveness...that is not what "god" and I need to resolve. What we need to resolve is very clear and very simple, and when we speak, s/he will give me answers or damn me to hell. I couldn't care less what the end result is, just as long as I get my answers.

Stupid Little Hearts

2013-06-17T08:43:00.000-07:00

June brings a few days with it that make things a little harder, first my birthday, then Father's Day. Well, this year, the birthday was nice and quiet and Father's Day was going well until I took the girls to see the bench we had dedicated to Colin. Two juvenile couples decided to write their 'eternal' love to each other on Colin's bench. While I know that graffiti is going to happen, do people have no respect for anything or anyone? I do not care if these kids are in love and actually will be forever...just don't etch it into my son's memorial bench...or any other memorial bench for that matter. These benches are places for families to, in a way, sit with their dead loved ones and reflect. They are not places for people to express their love with stupid little hearts and angel wings. So, my last Father's Day gift to myself will be to go over and sand the graffiti out of the bench and hope that the offenders get the point, but if not, I will keep sanding until they do.

Just Needed to Vent

2013-04-30T11:57:00.001-07:00

The last few nights have been filled with nightmares that I will not even begin to describe, but they got me thinking about what SIDS really is. It is far more than the death of an infant from an unknown cause, it is the death of a parent as well. It is the death of normal. It is the death of sanity. It is the death of understanding, and it is the death of peace. I have said it before, but SIDS is one of the ugliest (if not the ugliest) things in human existence. It has robbed me and my family of so much and yet has nothing to say for itself other than...screw you. I hate being a SIDS dad. I hate seeing only 2 of my 3 children grow while the other is in a box. I hate SIDS more and more each day. It has taken far too much of me and from me, and I will never forgive it for the long path I will forever have to walk. Screw you too SIDS.

Sadly, Another Club Member

2013-04-16T07:44:00.001-07:00

There is a father and husband in Boston today whose life changed dramatically in every possible way yesterday. This father has now has a dead son, a daughter who lost her leg, and a wife who suffered severe brain injuries. Little else is known about the extent of her injuries or the recovery of her and the little girl. What is known is that the little boy ran out to hug his father before going back to his place in the crowd a few moments before the bombs exploded and took his life and changed his family forever.

I can not imagine, choose not to imagine, and only hope and pray that this father gets to hold his wife and daughter very soon and his family heals to the degree it can. My heart goes out to this father and his family, and I am once again sorry to know about another club member.

Greedy

2013-04-01T08:06:00.003-07:00

In taking Ava to school today, we did our usual talking in the car about whatever pops into her mind. She made me laugh and smile as she usually does in those special 10 minutes we share in the car, but as we got to her school, I dropped my badge which has her picture and Colin's on the reverse (I need to update to include Audrey too) hanging behind it. She picked it up and showed the pictures to her little friends who mistook Colin for Audrey (an easy mistake since Audrey is alive and they have seen her in person) Ava then explained to then that the picture is really of her baby brother. The kids looked confused until she blurted out..."God is greedy, so he took my baby brother away." Well, needless to say, that was a bit heart wrenching, but I have learned composure over the past 2+ years. She then launched into how thunder is really baby brother having too many burritos and tooting in heaven which made everyone laugh.

Why am I sharing this? and why does it matter? I will try to explain. One of the major issues I always wrestle with is the concept of God, especially in respect to how organized religion often portrays him/her. God has been portrayed and anything from vengeful and vindictive to loving and embracing and every other dichotomous words you can cobble together. God often seems petty, unforgiving, and preferential. Hell, God even has a "Chosen People" (I guess the rest of us are screwed). So, what am I to think of God when my 5 year old says that s/he is greedy? I think that the God that many organized religions portray is a sad reflection of our own humanity...or lack thereof.

Since the word 'greedy' was what started me thinking, I will only focus on that to end my rumblings. Why would a loving and embracing God give my family a gift so precious to only take him away after two short months? Why would a loving and embracing God leave my family with a death that has no answers? Finally why would a loving and embracing God have the need to be greedy? My "God" would not leave me with any of these questions. My "God" would not have my 5 year old telling her friends that "God is greedy", and my "God" will be held accountable for his lack of humanity.

Memorials

2013-03-26T09:59:00.004-07:00

I am not going to say much in this post, especially since a picture is truly worth a thousand words, so instead of boring everyone with 3,000 words, I am posting three pictures of Colin's memorial bench and tree (with plaque) installed by our local lake. Now our family (and all of our community) can sit by the lake and reflect on whatever they like...or they can just sit and relax. Either way the bench and tree will keep Colin alive in Greenbelt for a very long time.

"Suspicious" Infant Death Syndrome – Who Knew?

2013-03-18T07:13:00.000-07:00

I was hoping that one day people would stop spreading their ignorance and insensitivity to parents who, through nothing even close to "vaguely criminal" activity, now have a dead child, but yet another wonderful sub-human has decided to place a shroud of criminality over parents who have suffered such a tragic and unexplainably painful loss. Thank you Mr. Fisher for your incite and uncommon decency.

By describing the suddenness of the death instead of the place where it occurred, the term Sudden Infant Death Syndrome carries an implication of violence and foul play. While breaking new ground rhetorically, the introduction of the letters SIDS into the vocabulary of forensic pathology and criminal investigation added nothing but confusion. The time would come when SIDS, in essence, meant suspicious infant death syndrome, a designation that sounds more than vaguely criminal.

Maybe one day people like Mr. Fisher will step back and think about it from the perspective of all the parents who have no answers, a diagnosis of exclusion, and a dead child as the only pieces of "evidence" as to how that child is now dead. And, just maybe, they will keep their suspicious fucking mouths shut.

Daddy's Girls

2013-03-08T07:46:00.000-08:00

It has been a while since I shared a picture, so I wanted to share a recent one of the girls. My wife took the picture of us about a week ago. I like it because it shows that life does go on and happiness can be had again...and my girls do make me happy!

Two Years Already

2013-03-04T06:44:00.001-08:00

Saturday came and went. We went to church and had the service dedicated in Colin’s name (we did this last year as well). We juggled kids and chores and it wound up being a fairly typical Saturday. With Audrey requiring so much attention, and Ava always wanting to play, or color, or do whatever with Mommy and/or Daddy, there is not much time to really do anything but take care of the girls and keep the house in relative order. This is not to say that the day was not filled with thoughts of Colin and some sadness because of it being the anniversary of his death…that is far from the truth, but it was not the intense pain of the first anniversary. Maybe time has softened the blow a bit, or maybe it is just the fact that with a six month old in the house, the focus had shifted. I am not going to over analyze it any longer. It just is what time and normal life has brought about after these two years.

Colin is as loved and as missed as he ever was. That will never change. What has changed is the focus of our family’s energy. Audrey and Ava need their parents to be in the here and now, not pining away for a second chance to change what cannot be changed. So, instead of mourning and openly grieving, we have moved on to a new stage of our lives that is about refocusing on family and making sure the girls are in a loving and present home. Colin will always be a part of this family, and always be remembered and loved, but the sad reality is that he is dead, and dead is not something we can change. We can only cherish the time we had with him and keep him very much alive in our hearts and minds.

15th Annual SIDS Walk/Run

2013-02-26T08:16:00.001-08:00

If you can make it or make a donation of even the slightest amount, here is the information and link for this year's walk.

15th Annual SIDS Walk/Run
Quiet Waters Park,
Annapolis, Maryland
Saturday, May 18, 2013
8:30 am - Dove Release
8:45 am - Official Walk Start Time

The Annual Walk/Run For SIDS & Child Loss is held in May -rain or shine- at Quiet Waters Park in Annapolis, MD. Participants can choose either the 1, 3, or 7 mile tree lined, course that overlooks the South & Harness Rivers. Participants come from all over the metropolitan Baltimore/Washington areas to join in the Walk/Run for SIDS & Child Loss. We encourage families, individuals and "team" support. Talk to your employer about forming a team today.

The purpose of the Walk/Run for SIDS and Child Loss is to provide an opportunity for bereaved parents in Maryland to come together in a tranquil setting to remember the children they have lost, to raise awareness of the causes of infant and child death and to help create a compassionate response from the community. The Center is instrumental in supporting research or developing research relating to SIDS, infant safe sleep initiatives and bereavement support efforts. Funds raised help to provide counseling services to families and bereavement and risk reduction materials. Scholarships are available for those seeking to attend but cannot afford registration fees.

Honor?

2013-02-25T07:03:00.000-08:00

I have read many articles, research papers, and blogs relating to grief, especially after the death of a child. Many of these information sources state that we must find a way to go on to honor our dead children. I used to believe this as well, but as the two-year anniversary of Colin’s death quickly approaches, my views are starting to shift on this particular subject. What exactly would I do to ‘honor’ my dead son? To me, just the fact that I am still here and still doing the best I can (my best is not always all that great) should be enough ‘honor’ after having him die. If not, then do my bad days dishonor him? Does the fact that I am still a flawed human being struggling to get through most of my days dishonor him? Do I have to live up to a higher standard now than someone who has never been down this road? What exactly does living to honor Colin mean? Maybe at the end of my life I will look back and think differently. Maybe Ava and Audrey will be amazing women who show me that I did honor Colin and them by trying to do what is right and helping them grow into the best people they can be. Right now, however, I am no longer going to try to live to honor my dead son. I am focusing on making myself a stronger person, better husband, better father to Ava and Audrey, and hopefully each day will show improvement in one or all of those things, but trying to live to honor Colin is just too much pressure to keep up on a daily basis. In 30, 40, 50? Years, I will let you all know if I feel that my daily works and deeds allow me to say that I honored my son.

No Shit!

2013-02-22T12:02:00.000-08:00

Next Saturday will mark the two year anniversary of Colin's death. It will mark 731 days since he last breathed, smiled, cooed, and just looked up with bewildered and curious eyes. The day will mark 17,544 hours since the last diaper change, and the last fussy night. Next Saturday will mark an incredible 1,052,640 minutes in time that have blown by in an instant while standing still and laughing at the absurdity of it all at the same time. And, finally, March 2, 2013 at 12:11 a.m. will mark 63,158,400 horrible reminders of a promising little life lost way to early.

I used to think that cliches like "make every second count" or "live life to the fullest, you never know how long you have" were trite and, quite frankly...stupid. We all are supposed to live forever when we are young. We are 10 feet tall, bullet proof, and invisible (as a friend used to say). So, as much as I try to move forward, I still count and still mark time based on one horrific moment some 63 million seconds ago, which brings me to the not so trite cliche..."life isn't fair." No shit!