Kitten on the Keyboard

2012-02-09T00:01:00.000-05:00

Catholic School Test

Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure! Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the Bible even a little, you’ll find this hilarious! It comes from a Catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not be retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The Jews were a proud peole and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7 Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8, The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments

9. The First Commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The Seventh Commandment is Thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada the Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the Three Wise Guys from the East Side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibles.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also an taximan.

24. St Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached Holy Acrimony which is another name for marriage.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kitten here: I re-typed this and in the process did change from ALL CAPS to Caps and lower case, so I might have capitalized or un-capped something that in the original (all caps version) might have been the reverse, otherwise, I tried very hard to not change any of the above. It about killed me to not make corrections!!!

2012-02-08T00:01:00.000-05:00

Letters To Dear Abby

Dear Abby admitted she was at a loss to answer the following:

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker, in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around and when confronted with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week, for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank, until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

2012-02-07T00:01:00.000-05:00

EXPLAINABLE, INEXCUSABLE

No one has been able to explain to me why young men and women serve in the U.S. Military for 20 years, risking their lives protecting freedom, and only get 50% of their pay. While Politicians hold their political positions in the safe confines of the capital, protected by these same men and women, and receive full pay retirement after serving one term. It just does not make any sense.

Monday on Fox news they learned that the staffers of Congress family members are exempt from having to pay back student loans. This will get national attention if other news networks will broadcast it. When you add this to the below, just where will all of it stop?

35 States file lawsuit against the Federal Government

Governors of 35 states have filed suit against the Federal Government for imposing unlawful burdens upon them. It only takes 38 (of the 50) States to convene a Constitutional Convention.

This is an idea that we should address.

For too long we have been too complacent about the workings of Congress. Many citizens had no idea that members of Congress could retire with the same pay after only one term, that they specifically exempted themselves from many of the laws they have passed (such as being exempt from any fear of prosecution for sexual harassment) while ordinary citizens must live under those laws. The latest is to exempt themselves from the Healthcare Reform... in all of its forms. Somehow, that doesn't seem logical. We do not have an elite that is above the law. I truly don't care if they are Democrat, Republican, Independent or whatever. The self-serving must stop.

If each person that receives this will forward it on to 20 people, in three days, most people in The United States of America will have the message. This is one proposal that really should be passed around.

Proposed 28th Amendment to the United States Constitution: "Congress shall make no law that applies to the citizens of the United States that does not apply equally to the Senators and/or Representatives; and, Congress shall make no law that applies to the Senators and/or Representatives that does not apply equally to the citizens of the United States ."

Kitten here, received this in email, so I don't know when this was on Fox. I doubt this proposed 28th Amendment would ever make it, although I like the idea. I'm personally tired of Congress granting things to themselves that don't apply to their employers, the citizens of the United States. A lot of stuff makes it around the Internet saying Congress this and Congress that, and with a little research, turns out not to be true, but in my humble opinion, Congress should not receive any benefit of any sort that does not also apply to each and every citizen of the US.

I've done a little research and found a few links that refer to possible 28th Amendments. Interesting, check it out.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/medical/28thamendment.asp
http://kgarry.wordpress.com/2010/03/14/the-proposed-28th-amendment-to-the-constitution/
http://www.sodahead.com/united-states/proposed-28th-amendment-to-the-constitution/question-2406671/

2012-02-06T18:03:00.000-05:00

2012-02-06T00:01:00.000-05:00

The United States Air Force - solving problems since 1947!

2012-02-04T17:58:00.004-05:00

Talk about a SENIOR moment!

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly, I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all. "Honey," I stammered. I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane's voice, "Ken," she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." Diane retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!"

oh, dear....I foresee a night on the sofa :D

2012-01-31T00:01:00.000-05:00

3 years 4 months
(40 months)

2012-01-23T00:01:00.000-05:00

The year is 1911 ---
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes! Here are some statistics for the Year 1911:

The average life expectancy for men was 47 years
Fuel for the car was sold in drug stores only
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower
The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour
The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year
More than 95 percent of all births took place at home
Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard"
Sugar cost four cents a pound
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason
The Five leading causes of death were:

Pneumonia and influenza
Tuberculosis
Diarrhea
Heart disease
Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet
There was neither a Mother's Day nor a Father's Day
Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write and only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health!"
Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic helpThere were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.

2012-01-21T00:01:00.000-05:00

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant ...

"I'm sorry," said the maître d', as he scrutinized the group one by one, and then barred their entrance saying, "Sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai."

2012-01-20T00:01:00.000-05:00

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."

"Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn't!"

2012-01-19T00:01:00.000-05:00

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They're supposed to help solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

2012-01-18T00:01:00.000-05:00

2012-01-17T00:01:00.000-05:00

2012-01-16T18:08:00.004-05:00

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

2012-01-11T15:41:00.002-05:00

Propose this in 2012:

START A MOVEMENT TO PLACE ALL POLITICIANS ON SOCIAL SECURITY

SOCIAL SECURITY:

(This is worth reading. It is short and to the point.)

Perhaps we are asking the wrong questions during election years.

Our Senators and Congresswomen do not pay into Social Security and, of course, they do not collect from it.

You see, Social Security benefits were not suitable for persons of their rare elevation in society. Theyfelt they should have a special planfor themselves So, many years ago they voted in their own benefit plan.

In more recent years, no congress person has felt the need to change it. After all, it is a great plan.
For all practical purposes their plan works like this:

When they retire, they continue to draw the same pay until they die. Except it may increase from time to time for cost of living adjustments. .....

For example, Senator Byrd and Congressman White and their wives may expect to draw $7,800,000.00 (that's Seven Million, Eight-Hundred Thousand Dollars), with their wives drawing $275,000.00 during the last years of their lives.

This is calculated on an average life span for each of those Dignitaries.

Younger Dignitaries who retire at an early age, will receive much more during the rest of their lives.

Their cost for this excellent plan to them is $0.00. NADA!!! ZILCH!!!
This little perk they voted for themselves is free to them. You and I pick up the tab for this plan. The funds for this fine retirement plan come directly from the General Funds;
"OUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK"!
From our own Social Security Plan, which you and I pay (or have paid) into, every payday until we retire (which amount is matched by our employer), We can expect to get an average of $1,000 per month after retirement.
Or, in other words, we would have to collect our average of $1,000 monthly benefits for 68 years and one (1) month to equal Senator Bill Bradley's benefits!
Social Security could be very good if only one small change were made.

That change would be to

Jerk the Golden Fleece Retirement Plan from under the Senators and Congressmen. Put them into the Social Security plan with the rest of us

Then sit back....
And see how fast they would fix it!
If enough people receive this, maybe a seed of awareness will be planted and maybe good changes will evolve.

2012-01-03T00:01:00.000-05:00

Arizona Governor vs. Phoenix Suns Owner

The owner of the Phoenix Suns basketball team, Robert Sarver, came out strongly opposing AZ's new immigration laws. Arizona's Governor, Jan Brewer, released the following statement in response to Sarver's criticism of the new law:

"What if the owners of the Suns discovered that hordes of people were sneaking into games without paying? What if they had a good idea who the gate-crashers are, but the ushers and security personnel were not allowed to ask these folks to produce their ticket stubs, thus non-paying attendees couldn't be ejected. Furthermore, what if Suns' ownership was expected to provide those who sneaked in with complimentary eats and drink? And what if, on those days when a gate-crasher became ill or injured, the Suns had to provide free medical care and shelter?"

- Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer

2012-01-02T14:36:00.000-05:00

2011-12-31T00:01:00.000-05:00

3 years 5 months
(41 months)

2011-12-28T15:15:00.001-05:00

2011-12-27T21:59:00.002-05:00

2011-12-25T09:34:00.002-05:00

2011-12-24T16:55:00.001-05:00

2011-12-24T15:00:00.000-05:00

2011-12-24T14:37:00.002-05:00

2011-12-24T14:30:00.002-05:00