And Baby Makes Four

Nobody Wants to See My Britney

2013-05-06T08:38:00.000-07:00

Listen to Your Mother is tomorrow, y'all!

Which means my inner vain princess has been triggered. While I typically schlep around in a mom pony and wrinkled clothes (I know, I know, I'm like the poster child for Sad Non-Fashion Mom Stereotypes everywhere), people are actually going to see me tomorrow night.

Like, they'll be looking at me.

And there will be cameras.

And they'll be LOOKING! AT! ME!

This is the part where I start chewing on my hair and rocking back and forth.

My moms is coming into town for the show (holla!) and she is my most favorite clothes shopping partner in the universe, so we are going to go shopping for a new outfit. Because

1. My dressy clothes are all super old and non-fitty to a post baby body
2. This calls for Spanx. I don't own Spanx. Must have Spanx. Maybe I need 2 Spanx?
3. My only appropriate clothes are dresses and I cannot wear a dress or skirt.

Why no skirt? We'll be sitting on stage facing the audience throughout the show. My luck? I would totally end up flashing my britney. Or I'd be obsessed with the thought of flashing my britney.

And I'm already obsessed enough with the idea of falling in my high heels. This brain can only tolerate so much self-awareness.

ps. How does one go about buying Spanx? Any pointers for a Spanx newb?

pps. Are you coming to see me? Come see me! I might fall on my face, stumble over my words, spontaneously break out into song, or have anxiety-induced urination but I promise not to flash you. Go here to buy your tickets!

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/364530

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How Do I Look?

2013-04-19T12:11:00.001-07:00

I don't know if you saw the Dove Ad making the rounds of the interwebs this week. Maybe you have a life and don't spend all your time like some people (*cough*).

Anyway, here's the original:

I saw it and was all, "Yes! Amazing!"

And then my brother posted a link to this article about the problems with this video.

Which, as a white woman who benefits from the unearned privilege of her skin color, I was all, "Oh yeah...Wow."

Quick run-down of that article:

* It predominately shows white ladies
* Even the women of color have light skin
* "Ugly" traits are traits associated with age and weight

And, finally, This Video. Which is ah-may-zing.

Happy Friday, Folks. Have a good weekend. Watch out for rapey-eyed men.

Me Too

2013-04-17T11:07:00.006-07:00

We had our first Listen To Your Mother rehearsal a couple weeks ago. I'm so honored to be in the company of some amazing writers for this show. In no particular order, we got up and read our pieces.

There were pieces about mommy guilt. I thought, "Me too."

A piece about losing your temper with your child. I thought, "Me too."

A piece about a toddler meltdown in public. I thought, "Me too."

A piece about infertility. I thought, "Me too."

After I read my piece, I sat down. The woman next to me leaned over and whispered, "Me too."

There's something about the solidarity that comes with having a shared experience with strangers. So much of what we grapple with, berate ourselves over, and play on repeat in our heads ties us together as people.

Come see us on May 7. (You know you're not busy on a Tuesday night. There's nothing good on tv)

And if you're not in the Denver area, check out the list of LTYM shows. There will be 24 this year so there might be one in your hood.

Come see us and know you're not alone.

Smashing Cake is So Last Year. Give Me a Nilla Wafer.

2013-04-15T12:43:00.002-07:00

Bridget turned 1 on Saturday. I was very excited to grab some cake smashing pictures with her.

I searched online for inspiration.
I got a tutu.
I got a hairbow.
I made a healthyish cake for smashing to smitherings.
I made a 2nd healthyish cake for eating.
I bought a sheet of plexiglass for keeping the floor clean.
I grabbed towels.

Me? I was more prepared than a boyscout for this cake smash business.

Bridget? She wanted none of it.

In fact, the crying was so out of control we delayed the whole cake smashing for another day.

And then? She still was not feeling the cake. Or the smashing. But she sure looked cute.

If parenting has taught me anything, it's that you ultimately can't control these things. So we bribed her with nilla wafers and I shot away. The nilla wafers were a big hit.

The cake? We ate it later. (So now I've eaten 2 cakes- Food math is ugly)

And because I'm incapable of self-editing. Here's a photo bomb. Boom.

If my day job doesn't work out, I can always become the Nilla whisperer.

What have you (are you doing) for your baby's first birthday?

Also, if you know the secret to my pictures not looking like pixelated caca on my blog, it would be much appreciated.

One Year

2013-04-14T13:10:00.004-07:00

A year and a day ago my water broke in the splash heard round the world!
4.5 hours later Bridget was born.

The last 12 months, 14 hours, and 44 minutes have been pure magic. Okay, maybe not pure magic. Mix a little crazy in there with the magic.

I'm looking forward to spending the next 11 months, 9 hours, and 10 minutes with you, Sweet Girl.

Getting Your Baby to Go to Sleep (and stay that way)

2013-04-09T09:19:00.000-07:00

What were you doing at 12 pm and 3 am last night? If you have an infant at home, chances are you weren’t sleeping. It’s more likely you were doing the zombie walk to your baby’s room, fantasizing about your warm bed, and planning your morning pot of coffee. If you’re me, you were frantically Googling “sleep training” at 3 am.

We were ninjas of sleep training with our twins. Those kiddies were sleeping through the night at six months old. We are a little more relaxed with our newest baby, but now that she’s 11 months old and still waking up once a night most nights, we have to wonder: What did we do right the first time, and where did we go astray this time? Kim West's Crib Sheet offers some great tips to help your baby develop healthy sleep habits.

Read and print out BlogHer's Crib Sheet with sleep tips now.

Baby Sleep 101

West tells us that a brand-new baby, fresh from the uterus, needs a lot of sleep. Chances are your babe will be on a cycle of sleep-eat-sleep-eat (with a little spit-up thrown in there for good measure). The glorious thing about a new baby is how they can sleep through anything. I remember a stranger commenting on how well-behaved our twins were when they slept through an entire meeting. If only he could see those hellions at age three!

As they age, babies are able to stay awake longer during the day, allowing them to sleep longer at night. To help Baby Bridget know this isn’t just another nap, we try to provide her with some cues to let her know it’s time for the long sleep as West suggests.

On Waking in the Night

If you’re like me, you wake up a few times during the night naturally. Maybe it’s because your husband stole the blankets, but waking up is pretty normal. I wake up, steal the blankets back, establish all is well, and go back to snoozing.

The bad news? You better stock up on coffee, because your baby won’t be capable of sleeping through the night until she’s about six months old. Bridget’s night waking diminished over those first six months to twice a night without us trying. It’s those remaining two times that have been killing us! West's Crib Sheet lists out how many night wakes you can expect at various ages -- super helpful.

On Night vs. Day

After we first brought our babies home from the hospital, they were keeping the sleep schedule of a clubber from Studio 54. Making small changes helped us teach our babies that daytime is fun time and nighttime is sleep time.

We kept daytime active and nighttime boring. Sometimes it was hard to do the parent gig without falling prey to our cutie’s playful charms. Seriously, people, it takes willpower to ignore an adorable baby wanting to play! If our babies were having a marathon nap and missing a meal, we’d wake them up so their schedule didn’t get even wackier!

As West points out, there’s a lot of evidence that exposure to natural light is important to setting those natural sleep-wake rhythms. We keep the nursery dark and only light it with a dim nightlight. During the day we try to get the baby some outside time with fresh air.

On Babies Crying

There are few things as stressful as a crying baby. When my babies cry, you could probably harness the power of my blood pressure to power a small village. (You didn’t know this blog post would hold the solution to our energy crisis, did you?)

I know it’s normal for a baby to cry, but it sends me into a tailspin! Crying can become a family affair and turns into a vicious cycle. Baby cries. You cry. Baby cries. You freak out.

I know energy is contagious. Just like Bridget’s stress affecting me, my stress makes her upset. When my son was colicky and cried non-stop, I worked really hard at being zen. I told myself his crying wasn’t malicious. I followed the steps in The Happiest Baby On the Block. When all else failed, I put him in a safe place and took a self time-out or asked my husband for help.

On Helping Your Baby

If you want your baby to become a sleep ninja, you have to teach her how to sleep. Say what? Behold, my friends, for this is where we went wrong with Bridget. I always nursed her to sleep. Nursing and rocking her gave us magical glitter-covered bonding for several months. And as West says, that is the way to do it in the beginning.

Meaning, don't get stuck treating an older baby like a newborn.

At 11 months old, Bridget couldn’t go to sleep without nursing. And as owner of the 24-Hour Milk Café, I was on the night shift all night, every night while my husband slept peacefully. Not that I’m jealous about it. Okay, maybe I’m a little jealous.

The critical piece for our sleep training has been putting our baby in her crib slightly awake so she goes to sleep on her own. This is super important. Now when she wakes up during the night, she looks around, knows all is well, and goes back to sleep. I don’t have to play waitress lady at the Milk Café and all is well.

Holding Time

You’re holding your baby. She finally falls asleep. You put her in her crib, and Shazam! She wakes up and starts screaming. Does this sound familiar? You might want to invest in a baby carrier like a Moby Wrap so you can carry that sleepy head and still get stuff done. Or you can be like me and use the excuse of “I have to hold this sleeping baby” so you can sit on the couch a little longer. When your baby is under 4 months, it’s okay to hold your baby to help him or her fall asleep. Just watch out for that addicting bonding glitter because it will get you!

Additional Tips for Better Sleep

Better sleep for your baby means better sleep for you! Here are a few extra tips we’ve used to help us:

Know what it looks like when your baby’s fading. When Bridget yawns and rubs her eyes, I know it’s “Go Time!”
Do a “Dream Feed.” This is a little nighttime snack you give your baby right before you go to bed.
Learn, love, and live the swaddle.
Provide white noise. They sell white noise machines and they’re great for drowning out adult noises and soothing babies.
After your baby is about six months old, you may want to let him cry for a couple minutes to see if he’ll go back to sleep on his own.
Don’t try to start any sleep training program while your baby is teething. Trust me on this one.
Don’t give up the dream of a full night’s rest. You’ll soon be reunited with a solid eight hours of sleep and all this craziness will seem like a caffeine-induced hallucination.

What sleep tips would you add to this list?

This post is part of the Absolute Beginners editorial series, made possible by Pampers and BlogHer. Our advertisers do not produce or approve editorial content.

I Call This One Blue Steel

2013-04-03T14:30:00.002-07:00

So, I got into Listen To Your Mother. Have I not mentioned that?

Oh yeah- I got into LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER! Holla!

If you're in the Denver Area come see me and some way awesome women on May 7. Here's the link. Go buy tickets. Today.

In the meantime, I have a task for you. I have to pick a head shot! (panic ensues) I like being behind the camera but in front of it? Purge.

I talked my super awesome, talented photographer friend to come over and take some pictures of me. And now? I have to choose. Which do you like best?

#1: Model Duckface

#2: Smizing for Tyra Banks

#3: Le Tigre

#4: Cheekbones! I gots them!

#5: In Which I am a Normal Person (but I cropped out the part where I'm restraining a child)

Yeah....I think I'll stick to TAKING pictures. But many thanks to my friend, Melinda! We had a lot of fun!

Which one should I choose?

It's All About Priorities, People

2013-04-02T12:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I get stretched a little too thin. Work, running, work, laundry, sleep training, an abandoned Project 52- It all adds up to neglecting my blog and feeling like there's not enough of me to go around. Sometimes it culminates in me losing my ever loving shit and sometimes I end up literally hiding under the blankets in bed.

But even when I feel like everybody wants a piece of me, I find taking a moment to feel gratitude is important. Like appreciating the fact that while I hid under the covers, my husband picked up the slack. He fed all 3 kids and put them to bed. Or savoring the moment the twins ran into my room and got under the blankets with me to play "tent."

I also find that while I haven't been able to keep up with my Project 52, my camera offers a great way for me to slow down and savor a moment. So here's a little photo bomb of our Easter. Boom.

So Tired, So Dumb: Sleep Training, And Baby Makes 4 Style

2013-03-26T15:10:00.002-07:00

Co-sleeping was delicious the first 10 months. Cuddling up to baby squishy goodness every night and waking up to sweet smiles.

And then? The magic was over.

Nursing sessions started to last all.night.long. That's right, folks. All fucking night. Apparently, my milkshake brings Bridget to the yard. And it's a yard she refused to leave.

Then she was waking up and entertaining herself with flicking my face, pulling my hair, and bouncing on Brendan.

It was time to do something. We started putting her in her crib about 2.5 weeks ago and it's been a sleepless shit storm ever since. Cause you know what's dumb?

Sleep training, night weaning, and TEETHING all at the same time.

This cup of coffee is to you and your new teeth, Bridge. Cheers.

Never Say Never, Like Ever

2013-03-05T13:40:00.001-08:00

Oh to be all smuggy non-kid-attached! Those were the good ole days! To feel like I knew it all and have my principles and eat my cake too and all that fatty good stuff.

With the twins, I was too busy making sure nobody died or got dismembered that I didn't really have the time or energy to be OCD.

Not to mention, I'm just not OCD. (Unless I'm hopped up on pregnancy hormones or being an anxiety freak- then germies better watch out!)

I would probably make a lot of y'all clutch your pearls with my germ-shrugging, non-OCD ways.

What was I saying? Oh yeah, I used to be principled. Especially about parenting and kids. Cause being a parent is easy, right? Bwhahahahaha! Silly rabbit!

TV before the age of 2? NEVER!

Co-sleeping? Might as well put a pillow over your baby's face!

Fast food? Ha! Why don't I just hand my kiddies some Drano? (lick it up, Heather, lick it up- Sorry, I couldn't help myself)

Well, like all the smuggies of parenting, I'm eating my words. We've been co-sleeping with Bridget pretty much since birth, the kids are experts at pulling up Netflix on our phones or the ipad, and we have Fast Food Friday on the regular.

Oh well, best of intentions and all that...

Do you find yourself eating any of your words?

This is what brain cells look like when they die

And? Also? Finn is obsessed with Taylor Swift and the "We Are Never Ever Blah Blah" song. He asks for it as his bedtime song. I don't get kids...

10 Songs to Keep You From Getting Eaten By Zombies...Maybe

2013-02-22T13:03:00.001-08:00

So, I came up with this GENIUS idea of doing a 5K this year.

And then I was all, "Self? What would make this idea even more genius?"

To which myself responded, "Dude...Zombies."

So I'm now Imma running like Forrest Gump to get myself ready. And as a person who really does not like running, here are my 10 favorite songs (of questionable taste-value) that keep me from laying down in somebody's front yard and taking a nap.

You're welcome.

1. Rumour Has It- Adele
2. Some Nights- Fun
3. Dog Days Are Over- Florence + The Machine
4. I Will Wait- Mumford & Songs
5. Hello- Martin Solveig & Dragonette
6. Born This Way- Lady Gaga
7. Moves Like Jagger- Maroon 5
8. Gangnam Style- PSY
9. Starships- Nicki Minaj
10. What The Hell- Avril Lavigne

Next week I'll tell you all about how doing this 5K was the dumbest idea ever.

There's a Reason They Use Manure to Grow Stuff

2013-02-14T08:44:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago when I got bitch-slapped by the internet pedos was pretty much the lowest moment I've had.

So I did what's cathartic for me. I blogged about it.

And then I had a few friends contact me about how they could check their own pictures.

And I blogged about THAT.

A few extra people learned about how to keep their kids a little more safe in this world (I hope).

And, today y'all? That post is SYNDICATED ON BLOGHER.

Yes, I'm internet yelling in all caps because

I'M SYNDICATED ON BLOGHER!!!!

Just know that I'm over here doing ninja kicks in my living room and yelling, "How do you like me now?!"

Go over and show me some love, y'all. (I know you've read the post before but now it's all like legit and stuff). And my guess is that I'll get some judgy haters. But I will Ninja CHOP!

And yep, they changed my title. Obviously, "I should've been a food blogger" didn't really explain what kind of post it was. Whatev. Creative license and all that.

And here's your after school special moment: When shit happens, you can grow good stuff. Just like manure and corn or pedophiles and syndication.

ETA: Front page, Suckas! Whaaaa?!!!!

Listen to Me! Your Mother!

2013-02-11T14:54:00.000-08:00

I sent in my audition request for our local production of Listen To Your Mother.

Brendan's response was essentially, "You really are an attention whore, aren't you?"
To which I responded, "Duh."

So now I have to figure out what to present! And I am totally blocked!

I would just do jazz hands and say "My uterus is magic!" but I don't think that's what they're looking for.

The topic? MOTHERHOOD

Cue intense reflection that usually devolves into, "Are strawberries in season?"

This topic is youge. YOUGE, I tell you!

What the what am I going to present?

Send inspiration.

Mental Constipation: It ain't pretty

Oh, the pressure.

Also, if you're in the Denver area and you want to do this (you don't need to have kids!), go here.

It's Not The Sex Talk, But It's Close

2013-02-06T15:43:00.001-08:00

It's happened.

We've reached Potty Training 2.0

It's like Windows 8 but without all the...whatever Windows 8 does.

Finn observed somebody pee standing up. I'm not sure who this mysterious model of peeing behavior was because Brendan is all weird and private about peeing alone and not in front of the children. Even though I never pee alone. And even though he always talks on the phone while he's peeing. Which I think is more weird than peeing in front of your kids. Meh, to each his own.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, peeing standing up.

I think Finn saw some other kid pee standing up at school (where they DO pee with the door open) because one day he refused to pee sitting down.

His aim is actually pretty good, so that's not the issue.

The issue is that he has a twin sister who ALSO wants to pee standing up. She has started yanking down her pants and saddling up to the toilet like an old western cowboy while I slow-motion a "Nooooo!" and dive toward her.

And then I have to explain penises and vaginas and how we got jipped in the toileting area because we're girls and hiking won't be as fun and you don't get to write your name in the snow, so sorry.

She doesn't quite get it yet.

And meanwhile, Finn hasn't grasped the importance of being taller than the toilet when he tries to pee standing up in the public bathrooms at Target.

This whole physics of toileting stuff is hard, man. Nuances- They'll get you every time.

Post Traumatic Blogging

2013-02-01T14:33:00.000-08:00

I know, I know. I've been all radio silent on the blogosphere as of late.

After the pedos came and stole pictures of my kiddies, I've been a little hand-wringy over here about putting things on the interwebs.

PS- My friend, Joel, has coined the term Fecopedophilia- which I declare to be magic.

And then I had lunch with some pals yesterday. Some therapist friends.

PPS- Therapist friends are awesome because hello? Free therapy! Holla!

And they were all, "What are you afraid of?" And I was all, "The internet pedos! Agh! Hold me closer, Tony Danza!"

And then I thought about it. Whether we like it or not, there are sickos everywhere. There are. Let's face it. Plus, I have HBO and therefore, know about weird things like clown sex (ew).

I know that on any given outing (the grocery store, the park, the zoo), there is likely a sex offender out there. That's why I won't let my kids dance naked in the window of our house- And yes, they've tried. That's not a clothing optional kind of activity in my book.

What am I getting at?

As much as I would like to keep my progeny locked away in some safe, Rapunzel-type tower that is pervert-free, I know I can't. So, that said, I'm going to fight my upchuck reflex and pick up the blogger baton and be on my way.

Because, Internet Pervs? You're not allowed to win.

Send me your feedback. Do you agree with my decision? Do you think I'm coo-coo? Let's hear it.

Project 52- Week 2

2013-01-17T09:34:00.004-08:00

I'm still here. Still truckin.

And I'm still doing my Project 52. If I'd been on the ball you'd be getting a super cutie patootie picture of Bridget this week.

But since I've been burned by the pervs this week, I'm posting a different Week 2 picture.

Here's my husband. Frankly, if you want to get your rocks off while looking at him, feel free. I can't blame you. He's my Harlequin Man, you know.

This is our Crack House bathroom stripped of 100+ years of wallpaper, paint, and plaster. It's a glorious place to do some toileting these days.

I Should've Been a Food Blogger

2013-01-16T13:10:00.001-08:00

A few years back I thought blogging about my family would be SO FUN! What a great way for all our long-distance relatives and old friends to see what was going on in our lives.

So I posted pictures of us.

There were pictures of ultrasounds, our dog, my growing baby belly.

Then there were pictures of the twins doing all their twinny kinds of things.

And somewhere along the way, strangers started tuning in. Which was cool. I started to make connections with people going through the same struggles of mothering.

But I wasn't totally naive. I have more knowledge about a certain population (*cough* pedophiles *cough*) than most people. I knew there were weirdos trolling the internet. And I've never hit POST without first considering what I was putting out there for the world to see.

And then yesterday happened.- I stumble upon a picture I took of my kids where you can see their legs and they are messy. It's been taken and posted on a website where people are turning it into something truly sick. Something twisted. And I projectile vomited my coffee exorcist-style.

You can bet your tush I've been blaming myself. Did I serve up a pedophile poo-poo platter to the world when I made that post? I'm the one responsible. I would do anything to protect my children. I would die for them. I would lie in bed for 2 months for them. But I'm the one who put them at risk with this blog.

So the FBI has been notified and their child pornography taskforce is on the job. My pictures have been removed and the user shut down after pulling out my Internet Mean Girl on their asses. And the fate of this blog remains unknown.

If it stays up, you can expect no pictures of my kids for a little while. You might get a lot of pictures of me. Or pictures of stick figures, but that's about it.

Of course, I'm sure there's someone out there with a stick figure fetish. If you can imagine it, there's someone who thinks it's sexy.

So learn from my mistakes. And here's a little PSA action for you:

1. Don't post any pictures of your children in any state of undress. Of course, this site had pictures of fully-dressed kids as well, so you can't ever be 100% safe as long as you're posting pictures, but it helps reduce the chances.

2. If you want to check your online photos, there are a few ways to do this:

You can click and drag your pictures to your search toolbar.This will bring up any copies or similar images.
You can right click on your picture, copy the url, and paste it in your search engine. This will bring up any copies.
You can download a program, like TinEye, which will help you search for copies of your files

3. You can make it more difficult to steal your photos by watermarking them or using a non-right-click script like this one.

4. Be a food blogger.

Is the internet a scary, fucked up kind of place? Yep. So is the world. It's only rational that the internet would reflect that. But the internet can also be great. I've met so many of you because of it.

Thank you to those of you who are cool and awesome and not pervy. For the rest of you, well this Mama Bear will cut you.

Release the Kraken

2013-01-15T13:48:00.004-08:00

Today during my lunch break I was perusing a thread on Clickin Moms about this sociopath who has been stealing pictures from pros. It's been high drama which is kind of my lifelong vice. Part of the post was about how you can tell if your pictures are being taken.

So, I thought I'd check a few of my pictures.

(Hold on, while I remind myself to breathe for a moment)

Turns out 2 of my pictures were taken without my consent and posted on a website, operated by THESE FOLKS. First look and they appear to be a legit photo sharing website. But there appears to be a back site where people post pictures of children using the restroom or doing other innocent kiddy things and then make DISGUSTING, SEXUAL comments about them.

As my friend, Melinda, says, "Nothing like a pedophile to ruin a party."

So, I've scrubbed my blog of anything showing my kids in any state of undress. And, honestly, I'm thinking about taking down my blog.

In the meantime, feel free to contact the website administrator (who, FYI, emailed me to say I'm stupid because I can't read their FAQ that says no child pornography) Ummm???

Here's their contact info, feel free to express your profound regret that they don't monitor their site (ps- Be careful about harassment stuff, folks):

Twitter: https://twitter.com/imgsrc_ru
Email: skinny.bravo@gmail.com

And as a Captain Obvious PSA: Be careful about what you put on the interwebs (dur)

Podiatrist Please

2013-01-08T13:13:00.000-08:00

* If feet make you squeamish, feel free to skip this post

This morning I noticed something...awry...with my left toenail. I needed advice, so I went to my #1 Man- My husband.

I texted him:

Me: Dude, my tonenail is totally coming off
Me: Like almost the whole thing
Me: Do you want to see a picture?

Brendan: No

Me: I'll take your pause as a yes (and then I sent a picture, which I'll spare you)
Me: What should I do???

Brendan: Eat it

I'm thinking about demoting my husband. His advice is not so good.

The Diva is Back

2013-01-05T15:30:00.000-08:00

Thanks so much to everyone for your words of support and good thoughts over the past week and a half!

Cassidy came home after a full week (!) in the hospital and is in full-on diva mode now.

In the meantime, I've decided to start a Project 52 for 2013. Here is your first installment:

Happy New Year!

Whoopi Dee Doo

2013-01-01T13:43:00.002-08:00

Happy New Year, you crazy people, you.

I don't have a lot of time or energy these days, so here's a quick recap of our holiday and the twins' birthday.

2 words: They sucked.

Cassidy got sick on Sunday night before Christmas. Then Finn got sick on Christmas day. Cassidy was so listless she had only minimal interest in opening her presents. Most of the day was spent with the kids on the couch watching movies or napping. Bridget was also sick and blowing out every diaper. Ew.

Wednesday, Cassidy was coughing non-stop so we took her into the doctor. Turns out her oxygen levels were really low and she has RSV so into the hospital she went. Brendan mostly stayed with her because Bridget and I are still attached at the boob.

The twins' birthday on Saturday? We had cupcakes in the hospital with Cassidy. Only, she barely ate hers.

And now, a week later, she's still in the hospital. We're not sure when she's coming home.

So, happy new year.

Whoopi-dee-doo

Hey Girl, Merry Christmas

2012-12-24T20:07:00.002-08:00

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Drunk History Christmas with Ryan Gosling, Jim Carrey and Eva Mendes from Ryan Gosling

One Video Blog, One Giveaway Winner, & a Partridge in a Pear Tree

2012-12-17T10:19:00.001-08:00

(Don't you love how I don't give a rat's hiney about SEO in my titles?)

I didn't JUST want to announce the winner of our Oh Crap, Potty Training e-book. Cause unless you're the winner, that just isn't all that exciting.

Our winner? Our winner is......(wait for it)......TENA! Tena, girl, send me your email so you can get your awesome e-book prize! Yay!

So to add a little boost to this otherwise boring post, I'm giving you my first ever video blog. Sort of. I'm not really into sitting awkwardly in front of a camera talking about stuff. That's just not my bag. I'm already awkward enough.

Instead? You get a video taken while I tossed back a few glasses of wine with my husband on a rare date night.

You're welcome and Merry Christmas mo-fos. (And I'm sorry, Mom)

Coping is Personal

2012-12-16T12:08:00.001-08:00

Friday's tragedy was unthinkable. It made me want to homeschool my kids until they're 25.

I'm a little better than most at compartmentalizing but I had to stop reading the news. I, along with so many parents, have hugged my kids tightly over the last couple days and raised up a prayer for the families unable to do so.

But facebook and twitter? Y'all are making me clench my buttocks with rage.

Friday's devastation impacted all of us. And we all have to cope.

But grieving is personal. Coping is personal. So hands off my process.

Do you need to focus on solutions? Do you need someone to blame? Do you need to drink heavily for a day or two? Okay. Do it. You don't need my permission.

But please stop telling me what I should focus on. Please stop telling me what I shouldn't focus on.

GUNS! - I'm against them. Stop telling me not to focus on them because it's "political." I will cut you. Cause, I'm not against knives (and empty threats), you know. Cause cutting people is bad. It hurts.

MENTAL HEALTH!- Yes. I'm a fan. To the point I've dedicated a good portion of my life dabbling in this line of work. I can focus on this if I want to.

PRAYER- I do it (see above).

MEDIA- I think we have way too much violence in our media and our kids are desensitized to it and its real-life consequences.

So, that's what I think. If I follow you on twitter or facebook and you keep on posting "No! It's not (guns! mental health! God! media!) you twit! This happened because of (guns! mental health! God! media!), I might just unfollow you.

Let people look for solutions. My guess is that tragedies don't have a single cause. Looking for sense in something so senseless is a way of coping. It's okay to want solutions. And it's okay to have conversations. Conversations are important.

And it's not "too soon" to have these conversations. Really, it's already too late.

Please let me cope in my own way. I promise I'm a grown up and I don't need you to tell me what to focus on. Meanwhile, I'm going to go back to hugging my kids (whether they like it or not).

Have you written a post about Friday? Link to it in your comment so we can continue the conversation.

Ho, Ho, Holy Shit

2012-12-07T14:04:00.001-08:00

I don't get many moments of smug mommyhood.

Usually I'm the harried gal with the under-eye circles, poorly fitting clothes, and split ends doing my "Look At Me Not Yelling" voice counting to 3 because "Finn, Stop rolling on the floor and get over here" while Cassidy runs down the hall and my purse is falling off my shoulder and my hands are full of 8 month-old baby.

And that may be the longest run-on in the history of the world but that's pretty much my life. No time for punctuation, my friends. My children are busy running in opposite directions and ignoring me. Gotta go.

(Maybe it's my poor fashion sense. They already don't want to be associated with me.)

So, here's my moment of smuggy mommyness in all its glorious glory:

The twins' daycare teachers were all, "Your kids are doing awesome with this whole potty thing! What's the name of that book again?"

And I see the other daycare moms fretting over potty training and "Don't mind the chocolate on her face. She sat on the potty this morning and got candy for breakfast" as we're doing drop-off.

I get to be smug for all of 30 seconds. It's amazing. But then Bridget usually spits up on me.
Because, yes- Poopacolypse aside - potty training has been pretty easy peasy.

No stickers, no m&m crap- mah kids do it in the pottay. (That is, when they're not doing it in public.)

This should be required parent reading. Trust.

My kids? They're not doing it in their pants! Or in diapers! Or on the floor! Or in their beds!

If I could, I would totally buy Jamie Glowacki, author of Oh Crap. Potty Training a cocktail. Or 2. But since we're strangers, instead I'm going to do you a solid and hook you up with the opportunity to win a copy of her awesome e-book.

Here's how you can win:

1. "Like" me on facebook
2. Leave a comment with a funny poop or pee story
3. Leave a comment with a poem about poop or pee

Each one of the above gets you 1 entry. I'll do the drawing next Friday.

Yay! Free stuff!