Happily Ever After

End of Semester Hope

2011-04-11T12:17:00.002-05:00

My world has changed so drastically as I have graduated. The silly little world of college, the clicks, the dramas, the things that seemed so important and so stressful before, now feels like an old dream—whose blade of weary and hectic hours are quite on the brink of being forgotten. I feel as though my friends are still under the spell which to some curse the days they spend in the classroom. I see many of my friends with heaviness upon their faces, I recall suddenly those last few weeks of school, the frustration, the social isolation, the inability to function in normal capacities—I remember it well when I think on it. But after crossing the bar, I see clearly now as I couldn’t before. What seemed like endlessness, always ends. When I thought I couldn’t do it, I did it. When all seemed hopeless, I eventually found hope. That choking desperation, when duties and demands sweep you away in the tempest, you are always saved. Because in the end, the tests were always passed, the papers always finished, the presentations overs, the projects completed— the semester always end. And you dive freely into the blessed months of summer, some object striking to your memory that, before ,you knew would be on a test. But! you will recall with fierce joy that, no, you do not need to remember what the Mallard Reaction means nor will you fail at life if all the baking functions of sugar, flour, eggs, fat, and salt fail to stay in your mind. What joy!

If I could do it all over again, I wish I would not have given so much time to worry. I would have had more confidence in myself. Because I always passed the test and even if I didn’t, it would not have been the end of the world like I so imagined. I wish I would have given more time to nurture friendships, especially those at Freed. I was delighted to know some of the loveliest people in the world at that place. In the blink of an eye, they were all gone. I was gone. You never know when you might lose a friend from your life forever. Take every opportunity! I fear, in retrospect, that I see the value of a grade is nowhere near the treasure of deep and spiritual friendships.

But I shall not make the mistake again by limiting my views to my present and thinking sadly upon the past. There is freedom in life, accessible at all times. It just depends upon how we look at things and what we value most.

My teacher once said that if you take care the big things—God, family, relationships, spiritual matters, love—the little things—school, chores, work, social events, grocery shopping—will always fall into place. I believe that with all my heart. And as this semester draws to a close and I am left feeling ten years older than when I started it, I look hopefully toward a quiet and healing summer. Always remembering to keep in focus that God isn’t going to leave me anywhere too long, or keep my heart sad longer than it needs.

I pray I will soon fully learn this lesson. For this semester has given me things to learn which far outweigh math tests. It has been a life test…a hard one at that. But this test, I shall not worry over. We all have life tests we must endure, but if we keep God close to us, if we take care of what is most important in this life, I believe with all my heart we shall pass with flying colors!

Evanescence

2011-04-10T21:10:00.001-05:00

Quietness tries to rest herself within my soul tonight. But sometimes quietness only brings to mind all the great thoughts which one often tries to hid from. I am, indeed, content. With only the love of God to boast in as the savoir of my sanity, I can say in all truth that I find peace more often than ever before in my life.

But today, two phone calls derailed the peaceful balance of my mind and threw into disorder all my thoughts. I feel quite overwhelmed at times, thinking of him. Feeling as though, my entire life, has been a half life. A great frustration trying to sort out a mess that was doomed to never be solved...I am torn between wishing he’d go away forever and feeling such pain over his lost state. A wicked tempter still whispers in my ear that it is all my fault. It is all my fault that he changed the way he did. That it is my fault because I didn’t love enough; it is my fault because I cannot bare any part of him now.

But I shall be better soon. I know I am not to blame for such things. So many miles away, I feel safe from him. And it is easy to forget what one cannot see. Can a man ever truly love a woman? Can a father ever truly love a daughter? Ah, but enough dark, sad thoughts. I shall be better soon. It shall pass…

God in heaven is my Father. And He is all I need...

The Boy I Met Today

2011-04-09T21:30:00.001-05:00

I met a boy today. I have seen him everywhere on campus, almost everyday, but never really have known him. Today, for reasons I am not sure of, he came to talk to my sister and me. As the three of us stood out on campus, in the sweet peace of a gentle evening, we talked. He was sweet, shy, and, in my romantic fascinations to make up whimsical stories about people I know hardly anything about, I perceived that he was lonely. Quiet and lonely. I usually have a good sense for people and after he had left, I watched him for a while as he meandered about the campus looking at trees and seeming, in all respects, quite lost.

Before going and talking to a friend I joyfully spotted on the lawn, I wondered about this boy. Who was he? Did he have people who love him? Why did he seem sad? Did we bring him any joy? Instantly, my heart surged and wished very much I could help him. Sometimes I am at a loss how to help others. I sit and ponder sometimes ways I might touch someone’s life, even if just briefly, and show them a glimpse of Christian light, a starry reflection of Christ’s love…that is what we as Christian’s are supposed to do. Why don’t we do it more often then?

I am surrounded by people who personify hurt. They are lost. They are hurting, hardened people of the world. They hunger and search desperately for the hope that I own as a Christian. Why can’t this joy and hope we have be spread to all the people in all the world? Why must so many hurt? Why must so many be lonely? Why can’t we help them all? I feel, some days, that is all I wish to do with my life.I do declare, I wish God would hurry up and send me a man who wants to help the world as much as I do! I secretly feel as though I am missing my teammate in my special dreams. It rather breaks my heart when I see sadness. I wished to give that boy a hug if it would have help. Indeed, I would wish to give anyone a hug if it might make them feel the warmth of a Christian’s love!

I know I will see that boy again. Hopefully, he won’t look quite so forlorn next time. However, if he does I will give him one of my best smiles and send a little prayer heavenly. God works in mysterious ways and you never know how one little act of kindness might touch the life of another in such unimaginable ways!

The Song of The Victorious Spirit

2011-04-08T16:59:00.001-05:00

What an amazingly blessed day! I cannot sit still a moment two together for I feel every part of me wants to sing joyously. I feel deliriously happy! Such peace! What is so beautiful about it all is that I know it is all from God! It is finally Friday and I am released from the week’s responsibilities. What a week indeed! I filed my own taxes for the first time, struggled through bills, long nights at work, and a mountain of other things. Yet, I cannot stop there! For there were such blessings nestled sweetly within the sliver lining of those clouds. I have had such encouragement from people at work. I’ve even had a bit too much fun. Some friends have been such a blessing to me lately, always makes me laugh and feel good about myself. I finally stopped procrastinating about some things that were worrying me and did them all! With such success! Especially our air conditioner which is now fully working and not a moment too soon in this southern climate!

Isn’t it amazing how life can turn sunny when you stop relying on yourself and your plans and turn fully to God? I will thank him for the beautiful rain, and I will praise him for the sunny days! I hope everyone who reads this has an equally blessed weekend!

I Shall Praise You in the Storm

2011-04-08T00:04:00.000-05:00

Lost upon the residual moments of a very long day, my intrepid prowess to organize my inner health in a manner which might bring me a peaceful, cooling relaxation before slumber, fails me. Weary, I climb into bed, wondering if my feet will ever get use to my job. But for all the aches of these past couple of months, I feel a new perspective dawning on me in quiet, rosy splendor. I feel the ability to praise God in the midst of the storm. Because suddenly, I can see the beauty of it.

Life and all its swift successions of busy nothings cannot compare to the empty moments before we fall into dreams. Those moments of pure solitude where all the walls of the day are pulled down and we stand before the quintessence of ourselves. We are tempted to listen to the dirge of our own thoughts—hurts that aren’t mending, phantoms of fear, nettling worries, shadows of conversations long gone, wicked imps that whisper in our ears of what might have been, fatigued spirits who cannot even dream the name of what color shall burst upon the morning horizon. And in this nosy mellay of the mind, I stop myself.

I thank God for such a time as this. Even though I don’t have understanding, I understand that all this is good for me. I’ve never been face-to-face with myself more powerfully than I am this year. I see who I am, what I love about me and what I need to change. As eager as I am to jump into my dream life, I realize more and more that I am simply not ready for the next step my life…yet. I can barely handle me!

Some days, it feels like I am drowning. I’ll never be able to have the faith to walk on the water. But then I remember God said that all things are possible through him. Someday I will be ready. Someday the loneliness will mend. Someday this will all make sense. But today, I love and trust God enough to realize he is working through all my tears and

aches into lessons of the soul. Because he loves us too much to give us lesser things. We cannot doubt his love because we read of it on every page of his Word. So instead of feeling sadness because life is full of pain, I will change what I see. I will see a God who loves me infinitely. Who wants to take me to greener pasture. Who is helping me become all the beautiful things that I am to become.

That is why I praise him in the storm. That beautiful, powerful, life changing storm. I praise him, because I know He loves me that much.

Misplaced Profundity!

2011-04-06T23:56:00.000-05:00

I had a thought of the utmost profundity to share today. It fluttered in my mind lazily, like a butterfly, so I took it, stole it away safely in my pocket. Yet, somehow it fell out. It is not that I feel so deprived of this great thought, but I feel pathos and remorse...for I am sure that little, huge thought is laying abandoned on the sidewalk...or scattered upon the forgotten aprons at work. Maybe it is lost upon the pile of clean laundry I just threw upon my floor. I feel sadness for it. I hope it isn't too lonely. I suppose what is only proper for a decent and charitable lady like myself to do, is think very, very hard and produce a second deep, profound thought and then lose that one too. For reason followed through to conclusion will show us that the two lost thoughts of profundity will find each other and cease being lost! For they shall have each other! I shall now think up a deep thought.

Hm.

Oh, I did have great insight today. As I have problems with excessive reasoning, I have been in the habit of turning to God in times of great distress. I will pour over the scriptures, pray unceasingly, read every help book, ask everyone I know for advice, listen to Chris Tomlin and Casting Crowns until my phone batterey dies--yet, I still did not feel closer to God all the time. I felt frustrated! Why couldn't I get over this excessive reasoning? I then realized today that I was just transferring my "reasoning, fixing, understanding" power over to try to be closer to God. I wasn't trying to fix my problems any more, but I was trying to become closer to God using all my human power. I think there is so much letting go and relying on God that I have yet to learn! It seems when I stop trying, that is when everything makes sense. When I forget about happiness that is when it comes to me. When I cease praying for faith and instead just have it, I then feel peace!

I have so much to learn! God is truly patient with me! How blessed to be His.

Happy Thoughts!

2011-04-06T10:39:00.000-05:00

I am compelled to write again this morning, feeling my spirits significantly stirred out from the dark mess of the previous night, I would like to return to my original desire of spreading joy, not gloom.

You can always find reasons to be joyful. But you must not be too severe upon yourself if you have a day where you just can't find the sun behind the clouds. We will all have days like that.

Yesterday was quite horrible. But I lived! I filed my taxes all by myself for the first time in my life! And I didn't get arrested by the IRS for doing it wrong. I made it through Black Tuesday at work (aka Chicken Nugget/Mashed Potatoes and Gravy day.) Do you know the strength it takes to serve 1422 students who all, simultaneously want the same thing? My workers and I were like the people of Rohan in Lord of the Rings, fighting against ten thousands of Orcs in the battle of Helm's Deep. But Black Tuesday is over! We all survived! We have met the enemy and were victorious!

You know, I believe there is something incredibly freeing when you realize that you don't have to figure everything out. You don't have to understand why God is working the way he is in your life. You don't have to understand what it all means. You don't have to manage every detail of your life!When something happens that makes us hurt or uncomfortable we automatically try to fix it, figure it out...but if God doesn't give us understanding, he is telling us that we must trust in him.

We must have obedient faith in his plan for us. And above all we must remember the quiet, the simple, and the beautiful in life. When we give our love to others, we when are pure in heart, when we appreciate the little, natural blessings around us, that is when God brings us joy.

There is lots of stuff going on in my life right now that I don't understand. I have wasted nearly half of a year trying to figure it all out. Lately, I've been blind to the blessings in my life because I am focusing so greatly on what I don't know. But remember, God takes care of all the little birds. He provides for them. Won't he too provide for me? It is quite obvious that God doesn't want me to figure it all out right now! He wants me to simply trust. Shouldn't I start practicing what I preach? For those of us who are Christians, shouldn't we have joy? We call God our Father? Don't we trust him?

Today I am strengthened. Today I have hope. Today my heart isn't nearly as broken as it tragically was last night. It was all silly emotion. But today I have found my joy again...all from the hand of God who continually saves!

A Letter to The Man I Love

2011-04-04T22:27:00.003-05:00

I wish that I could speak in oracles. I have often thought I might at least try my hand at that activity. My mother said one random day of her young life that she would marry a man named Mark. Years later, she did! Strange, no? Since the moment of my becoming aware that I would most likely marry one day, an eligible young man— I have always declared that he will either have dark hair, a name with four letters, or a name that starts with a “J.” I would like to say I am deeply convicted within my heart that I had a gut feeling about my future amour, but then something weird shall happen like I would marry a blond man named Bartholomeus.

I also have always had peculiar fascinations with men who have one pupil/eye that is a little off center. I don’t know why I like this either. It seems to me a natural, unique kind of beauty. But I have been fascinated by it so much, that I wrote a story with the hero looking to be just like that.

I have also always imagined marrying a man who is blind or could not hear. I don’t really know what to make of this imagining, but it always seems such proper sense to me that if I found a man like that I might find such joy spending my life trying to find ways to help him find greater pleasure in God's beautiful world.

It has dawned on me rather lately, that I am quite a ridiculous girl. What sort of person wishes to marry a man with off center eyes or one who could never hear my lovely shrieking voice? But then, I am not a normal sort of girl in any sense.

Some days, I believe that I am subconsciously writing this blog for him. All the little snippets of my soul which I pour into poetry or posts—all the lessons I have learned, all the encouraging joy I receive from God, all the dreams I write about, all the fantastic worlds I visit—I secretly feel that I write them for him to read. Someday. And maybe, if I write enough, if I give the heart of my talent into my writing, somehow, perhaps magically, he will find his way to me, to my blog, to my world. I send off each post like a message in a bottle, praying that God will guide him to me soon. I don't know what he looks like, I don't know when I will find him. I don't even know if he will be anything like I imagine or guess to be. But I do hope, that wherever he is tonight in this great, wide world, he knows how dearly I love him already.

“Wherever you are, I am thinking of you. Wondering, are you thinking of me too?

There is only so long that time can keep us apart.

So until we meet, keep me deep in your heart,

Keep wishing upon that same old star

And know that I love you…wherever you are.”

~”Wherever You Are”; Mark Chestnut

A Princess Worth Waiting For.

2011-04-03T23:53:00.000-05:00

So I have watched Tangled again, for the third time. Each occasion prior I’ve managed to hide the fact that parts of the movie made me rather weepy. However, this last time I just let the tears follow. Call me a silly girl, I don’t care. But there is something poignant about this movie that always brings mist to my eyes. Maybe it was the father king, heavy shoulders burdened with the pain of losing his treasured daughter. Maybe it was the magical moment when Rapunzel realized she was in love with Eugene. Maybe it was the end, when Eugene showed us all how much he loved Rapunzel by sacrificing himself for her. Or maybe it is just the beautiful scene where all the twinkling lanterns rise over the kingdom and your heart is filled with longings for love. Whatever it was, this time I felt no shame in weeping like a ridiculous silly girl.

I like the line in the end, where Eugene describes the picturesque finale saying that Rapunzel was a princess worth waiting for. It made me think of all the lonely girls out there in this huge world. How many of us gaze upward toward the starry heavens, searching, imploring, dreaming, praying to find that one special love which will be our new dream? When there seems to be no hope, how easy it is to sit on dark nights wondering like Rapunzel: “when will my life begin?” For some of us, we haven’t quite figured out how to escape our towers. For others we just haven’t met our Flynn Rider. For some of us still, we just aren’t brave enough yet to take the jump into a new world of love. Personally, I think I am a little bit of all three.

One day lying on my bed, staring blanking at the ceiling, it dawn on me quite suddenly—I have absolutely no inkling of an idea what it would be like to truly love a man and share a life with him. What must it feel like to be so intimate with a person that the cords of your heart are entangled in such a way that you feel as though he were a part of you? It is a dream worth the wait. And if it happens to me, I am beginning to see, like many girls, that I am definitely a hidden princess. We each have within us a special glow, a sort of natural light which is all our own, and it is this radiant glimmering of the heart that makes us absolutely beautiful in the eyes of that one, right, dear love. Perhaps he is lost in the forest, perhaps he is temporarily blinded by a witch, perhaps he is searching and waiting just as hard as you—whatever the case, some days it seems like he will never come. And no matter how many lonely tears you shed, no matter how many stars you wish upon, no matter how many prayers you lift upward upon the breeze, he doesn't feel any closer to you.

But just think of it this way. Maybe he is out there too, sitting under that same white moon dreaming and longing for you just as hard as you are for him. And one day, one beautiful, happy day, he will find you--a princess worth waiting for. And together, you both will begin a new dream!

Walking Through The Valley

2011-03-31T11:41:00.001-05:00

Before diving into dramatic narratives in which I strive to bring the hazy, obscurity of my feelings into a pithy, silver-tongued note of encouragement about some lesson I recently learned in life, I must prologue this attempt with this declaration that I wish the whole world might hear and know:

God is absolutely, completely, and inexpressibly amazing. When you grow close to him, he comes close to you. And your eyes are open in such ways that you never dreamed you’d witness such remarkable changes in your life.

Now on to my note:

We all have low points in our life. I like to think of them as if we were pilgrims, progressing through a lifetime quest, battling a myriad of foes and obstacles, trudging through the valleys of death, and onward toward everlasting eternity. When we have valley experiences, they are usually longer than we think we can bear, harder than we think we can stand, and darker than we thought possible. I was having such a week in the valley; it was very much a low point if ever there was one. My soul was drowning in what seemed like endless tears, my hope was obscured by the thick clouds, and my joy was lost among the sound of icy raindrops as they beat merciless upon my body. (Melodramatic, no?) I prayed to God. I prayed my way through my day. I asked him to save me from such pain.

And he heard me.

My day yesterday, began to get brighter once I got to work. People were good to me which helped comfort my spirit. People made me smile and laugh. My physical pain was eased. I was able to get food for my pantries. Even those who try my nerves were good to me last night. I went to bed feeling, if anything, a relief of the sadness. The pressure upon my heart was lifted. My circumstances have not changed dramatically, but I was given a respite on my journey. A cool drink on a thirsty day. I give all the credit to God! I recall in the Bible where it says that he will not give us more than we can bear, he will always provide a way out when we are assaulted by trials and temptations.

I spent a short time with a friend last night when he took me to the store and it made me ponder deeply some thoughts. I always am thinking about me. I think about my problems, what I need, how JENNIE might help other people, how JENNIE might save someone, or encourage them, or be useful. Rooted in my efforts, there is a part of me that hungers for appreciation, praise, and attention from people. I think we all long for that to some degree. But after listening to my friend talk a little about his chaotic life, I felt rather ashamed of myself. Here I am crying in desolation about the unhappy state of my life, how I feel lost, how I feel useless and adrift, how I am trying to help others with my own self focused intentions. But how I am ignoring the great blessings I have. I have time! I have precious beautiful mornings where I might do whatever I want!

I can read, I can write, I can pray. I can read my Bible, I can go for a walk, I can move my room around…again, I can bake a cake—I have the blessing of time! How many people have that? Often, God uses this friend particular to stir me out of my self-pity. And because I have much respect for him, I am able to seriously see a contrast, realizing just how much I have to grow. (What a beautiful gift of opportunity!) I focus so much on what I can do, that I fail to realize that it isn't ME who changes people, it is God! It is his work through me, not my work through myself which touches others' lives. I must decrease, so that HE might increase. Like many girls, I am sure, I have noble aspirations for my feminine character —A woman full of sweetness and grace, a quiet spirit, and a gentle, loving heart. But with my rotten and most times distraught attitude, this beautiful dream seems just too hard and exhausting to keep up with. Yet, God in his infinite wisdom and mercy always puts people or situations in our life to help train us. The thing about training, though, is that it always takes longer than we imagine. And some days, it seems more than we can bear. We get discouraged thinking that it is impossible that we’ll ever succeed.

But God is faithful to complete the good work he started within us. If we are truly children of God, take heart when you come into trials because that means God is teaching you like beloved children. He is refining your heart and character into pure gold. So remember: He will never leave you. He always hears you. He watches over you. Open your eyes and see how God is working beautifully in your life. Keep him close to your heart and he will take you safely through the valleys! One day we will reach the end of our journey, no more sorrows, no more sighing-- we shall have everlasting joy and a crown which never will fade!

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. ~ Philippians 1:6

I cry out to God Most High, to God who will fulfill his purpose for me.~ Psalm 57:2

The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name' sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;
Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever. ~Psalm 23:1-6

If A Boy Only Knew the Heart of a Girl

2011-03-30T12:01:00.003-05:00

Three years ago, “Invaded suddenly by a rush of powerful memories, allied with the cooling whoosh of the autumn evening breeze, I see his truck. Never before had I seen it, all of the sudden, it drove into my life and out again as briefly as it had entered. I had seen it outside my window, waiting for me before. That is where it is; cradled in my memory… along with that step where I first saw him, or that bit of fence upon which I leaned before he embraced me to say goodnight…. together these memories make a friendship of utter sweetness and complete despair… Those places in my memory… as I walk by them today it flashed me back to the hopes and dreams of a girl not long ago and the boy who kindled this flame. But today it is gone, lain to rest. Now I see those places and it appears to me to be just as papers blowing aimlessly by upon an empty, lifeless field where a brilliant and exciting fair-ground once spread. What a waste… sad waste… a premature death of a relationship is no new feeling to me. It happened before… more and more I get use to the usual pains and pricks of rejection, the feeling of being punched in the stomach as a voice sneers in your head: “he doesn’t like you anymore…” I feel the disappointment, anger at my own hesitation and aborted aspirations toward this person. I think… deep down… I knew. I knew he wouldn’t suit me. I knew I wouldn’t suit him. But still, a girl’s heart can’t help but melt by the charm of a man. And if I was ever to relive this wonderful, perfect friendship that died so young, truly my heart would deeper enjoy the pleasures it temporarily offered. Because I miss that friend… perhaps a friend I never really had… but I miss him all the more.” ~Diary entry October 2008

Today 2011:

Sometimes I find it very useful to go back and relive some of your past heartaches. It helps you realize that you can survive today because you survived yesterday. I met a guy several years ago and he saved me one summer with long, deep letters, a never ending supply of quirky, funny text messages, and long conversations which usually lasted too late into the night to end in any intelligible dialect. For that small summer, he faithfully kept me company while my family life and church family decayed into ruin. But when I returned to school, he did a typical guy thing and just....forgot me—Oh boys! Boys! Boys are you listening? Be careful when you hold a girl’s heart! Please! You cannot spend a summer in her company and not expect her to become attached to you. You cannot offer your heart and your attentions toward her and not expect her to be utterly broken when you chose to disappear in her life! Boys! A girl’s heart is so very, very fragile—don’t be a boy about it, be a man, be honorable and lay the matter to rest by telling her. Silence is the most torturous and cruel way to push a girl out of your life. Even if you don’t want her out of your life, if there isn’t room for her, let her know. Feel the heaviness upon her heart when she finds herself constantly checking her phone to see if you’ve called. Feel the tears in her eyes when she sees you far off, laughing and giving your attention to all others but herself. Feel her ache when she sees you hug another girl, how badly she longs to be the one in your arms, even if but for a second. Think of her as she lays in restless slumber, your kind and sweet words of the past shrieking over and over again through her mind like a broken record. Boys—if you realized how many tears a girl has shed over you, I think you’d be quite broken up yourself.

Because when you are a girl, it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or new clothes you buy. It doesn’t matter how many hugs your friends give you or how many prayers you send heavenward. In the end of the day, when you climb into bed you are left alone, fighting the intensity of your pain... pain that only will heal with time. I wonder if boys comprehend any of this. Do they feel this emotion? Or are they able to bottle it all up and hide it deep within their hearts? I wish a boy might sit down with me and explain their own hearts, for I long to know how they handle such pain!

Today it is a cloudy day. My mind is filled with distressing thoughts. It has been a rather difficult week. Everything seems to be going wrong—work, physical health, bad weather, a totally flat tire, wild emotions—sigh. Oh life. But one thought that does bring me comfort—many times our struggles of today aren’t nearly as bad as the lessons we had to learn in the past. We never know what God is protecting us from, it always could be worse. How saved I am! God is with us all the way! My comfort is that he knows what we need. Today he is holding my hand and your hand too. He loves you with such tender care, when a boy breaks your heart, when a girl breaks your heart, he is always there to mend it back together. In time, the clouds will fade and I will be full of smiles and energy again. My health will return, there will be air in my tire, my taxes will somehow be filed, there will be good food in my stomach, and there will be joy in my life! Maybe not today, but I have faith in tomorrow because God is already there!

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. ~ Psalm 34:18

For this is what the high and lofty One says--he who lives forever, whose name is holy: "I live in a high and holy place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite.~ Isaiah 57:15

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.~ Psalm 147:3

Why Do We Eat Sand?

2011-03-30T10:28:00.000-05:00

My little cousin had been exactly 365 days with us upon this earth when we took him to the beach for the first time. And of course, with all the new and exciting experiences a one year old can find upon a beach in the middle of Flint, the first thing Chase does is eat a mouthful of sand.

No, I am sure it did not taste like he excepted.

To say the least, he learned his lesson and didn't try to eat any more landscape...at least until the next day when he tried to eat a pine cone.

I was thinking about this experience and it made me realize how silly we are as humans sometime. Why do we not do what we know we ought? Why do we always fail to succeed in the pursuits that we constantly wish to do and succeed in the things we hate to do? Remind you of a set of verses in Romans? I do this all the time. Only until recently did I realize that it is actually a sin to worry and excessively try to reason the answers out of life and not trust in God. Yet, I constantly find myself putting temptation in my path. I will check facebook which will trigger a worry--(have you ever noticed you find out stuff you never want to know about people on facebook? Facebook makes me feel father away from people than I could imagine. When the people you want to acknowledge you, ignore you it hurts. The people you would wish ignore you, never leave you alone! Bah! The agony!)

So why do what we know is NOT taking us down the path of peace? Why do put into our lives: busy schedules, unfounded fears, indulgent worries, unhealthy diets, nights locked in front of computers, questionable music, movies of vapid content, friends who don't promote Christian living--why do we eat sand?

I guess like my stubborn baby cousin, we just have to be silly until we finally learn what is eatable and what isn't. For some people it may take awhile. Chase has finally stopped eating nature...he has moved onto chocolate donuts, spaghetti O's, and ear buds.

"Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." Colossians 3:2

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

...When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!"~Romans 7:15-25

When Our Dreams get in the Way of Our Dreams

2011-03-29T10:15:00.000-05:00

What do you imagine for your future life? What kind of goals do you have? What steps are you taking to get to them? Are you pursuing them aggressively, fearlessly, boldly? Are you always keeping God in the planning room and asking him constantly to evaluate your battle strategy? I have never really had a complicated life plan. Perhaps I am too old fashioned, but I have always longed for a quiet, simple life, getting married, having children, burning dinner, planting flowers, writing in the mornings with a cup of coffee … I don’t have to have lots of money, I don’t want a high profile career, I don’t want great fame—I just want to live in peace, doing things that make God happy, and encouraging my family along the way. So of course, all my goals are heavily focused on the single catalyst to get this whole life dream started: A man.

Once upon a time, when I was probably 20 or 21, I went head over heels for a boy I just knew I would soon fall in love with, marry, and live happily ever after. Every shining star in the heavens might sing out triumphantly and it still wouldn’t compare with the joy I felt thinking I had found Prince Charming. I prayed to God that he would be The One—oh can words even describe how profoundly this hope engulfed my constant thoughts. I couldn’t imagine a different ending to this story. Oh but what an ending it was. Aside from probably my father, I don’t think another circumstance has hurt me deeper, or left deeper scars upon my heart than what happened between me and this boy. It was a tragedy.

I would cry to God: “Father, you know this is my dream! Why wasn’t he right? Why did I even meet him in the first place if he wasn’t right?”

I failed to see there was any alternative path than "Marriage" or "Spinsterhood." I didn't realize there was another road: "Growing Up" which I had to trek down first. In retrospect, had I been more mature and aware of the ways of the world and men, I would never have dive so deeply in hopeful love for this boy. I am now completely past the pain today and can look upon this boy with pity and sadness as I realize just how hurt and confused he was about his own troubled past.

So what’s the point of all this? I believe sometimes we are so focused on our goals that we fail to see any other options. Sometimes God doesn’t give us our dreams because he realizes that we wouldn’t know how to handle them correctly. At 21, I wasn’t ready to be married. I had to go away to Freed, I had to experience life, I had to meet and fall in love with other boys, I had to go to Scotland, I had to educate my mind, pay my own bills, learn who I was, learn what I need in a man, read lots of books—I had to grow up. I’ve learned patience when it seems time is running out, I’ve learned endurance when I can barely walk, I’ve learn how to love the unlovable, I’ve learned the power of prayer, I’ve learned humility, I’ve learned how to lower my sky-high standards, I’ve learned how to have faith when all seems impossible, I’ve had moments of such great, profound, heart surging joy when there was absolutely no hope of a man in my life— what kind of marriage would I have had if God hadn’t taken the time to teach me all those things?

Lately, I’ve been feeling the pressure of my dreams again. Frantic thoughts scream through my brain: “But I HAVE to get MARRIED soon! I am going back to Michigan soon where there are NO Christian men! I am 25! I am a 1/4^th of the way through my life! I am running out of time!!!”

Calm down…calm down...

How we tie the hands of God and believe in the lies of Satan.

When I was younger all I could think about was getting my dream. But God knew I had lots of refining left. My mind and heart needed time to grow. When we pray for the fruits of the spirit, God doesn’t give them to us as pretty gifts. He gives us circumstances in which we will be trained, conditioned, and toughened to receive the peace of his gifts. I would NOT have been ready to be married at 21. Some days I don’t think I am even ready today at 25. But God, in his infinite and superior wisdom, realizes this. Sometimes he tells us simply to wait. He isn’t done getting us ready. The longer we wait on our dreams the longer we spend getting close to God and nurturing our relationship with him. We as Christians need to not be so focused on our futures that we fail to devote our love and attention to God right now. We were never promised tomorrow. If I died tonight at work (which is always a possibility) would I be proud of the way I worried and fretted and drowned in the busyness of planning for a future which never came to me? Of course not!

Devote your life to God. Don’t be blinded by trying so hard to get your dreams. Imagine confidently the end goal is already waiting for you. Always pray and ask God if your dreams are in line with his perfect will. Trust faithfully in the timing of his plans. As Christians we can have such tremendous joy—our Father is taking care of everything! He knows just when the time is right and when it isn’t. We must be patient, joyful, and always confident. Dreams are beautiful to have, but remember; never let them become so great that they obscure the path before you. If you are meant to have them, your loving Father will give them to you when you are ready!

^"Look here, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year. We will do business there and make a profit.” How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.” James 4:13

"In their hearts humans plan their course,
but the LORD establishes their steps." Proverbs 16:9

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.

Don’t be impressed with your own wisdom.
Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil.
Then you will have healing for your body
and strength for your bones." Proverbs 3:5-8

Waiting for Love

2011-03-28T13:21:00.000-05:00

Be brave little one.
Make a wish for each sad little tear.
Hold your head up though no one is near
Someone's waiting for you.

Don't cry little one.

There'll be a smile where a frown use to be
You'll be part of the love that you see.
Someone's waiting for you.

Always keep a little prayer in your pocket
and you're sure to see the light.
Soon there'll be joy and happiness
and your little world will be bright

Have faith little one
'Til your hopes and your wishes come true.
You must try to be brave little one.
Someone's waiting to love you

~Rescuers

2011-03-28T09:35:00.000-05:00

"Matthew 14:22-33"

The Bible: A Required Reading

2011-03-28T09:17:00.001-05:00

"Read your Bible. Read your Bible. Read your Bible."

If you are a student, I am sure you are familiar with the old adage that if a teacher says something three times then you can be sure it will be on the test.

I am also sure that most every student knows that if the teacher writes something on the board, it will usually appear on the test.

As Christians we need to read our Bible, and read it with purpose. Plain and simple. If you are too busy to read, then you are TOO busy. Can I repeat that? If you are too busy to read your Bible, then you are TOO busy! Can you really look God in the face and tell him, "Lord, I wanted to read the words of Life which you left for me, but...but... I was too busy with homework, or work, or chores, or etc."Spending time with God each day is like exercise, you have to keep up with it consistently or you will not see change in your life. You will not have that close, intimate relationship with God. If you start your morning thoughts with God then you are already set to go in the right direction.

Besides, I can't imagine a Christian who wouldn't want to read the Bible. It contains such beauty! Such perfection! Such life giving health. Read your Bible everyday, read Proverbs and see how you should be living your life. Read the Psalms and become encouraged, read John and hear the inspiring words of Jesus. I cannot tell you how your life will be improved! Rise each day an hour or half hour earlier, spend time with your Lord. Take a little Bible with you while you are waiting in line, or eating your lunch--spend time with God. Keep your Bible at your nightstand and read a few passages before you go to sleep--spend time with your Father! Our desire to read God's word is in direct correlation to how much love we have for him.

Luke 12:34

Diligently, sincerely, and humbly give God your life and he will transform all your inside and outside mess into amazing feelings of peace, joy, order, love, and purpose. You will grow closer to him. And when your desires become the desires of God, he will give you the delights of your heart. (Ps 37:4)

So read your Bible and grow closer to your God!
<3

When God Says No

2011-03-27T12:43:00.002-05:00

For some time now, there has been somethings which I imagined would be a very good blessings in my life. These blessings I have wanted so badly, it has rather consumed much of my thought life. It has been in the heart of all my prayers, it has been the catalyst to many bursts of hope caught within my chest, many smiles, many laughs, many dreams, and many noble aspirations. But such trouble began soon after I tried to fit these desires into my life, such a violent clash of star-crossed misfortunes and just plain old bad luck that it seemed fate itself was against me. Suddenly one day it dawn on me: I was working so hard to try and preserve what I believed (or passionately hoped) God was giving me, fighting against every dart of Satan’s, but it occurred to me, could it be possible I was I wrestling with God himself? Was I meeting such painful resistance because I was clashing not with Satan, but with the will of God? So I reorganized my prayer life, and imagining that my Father was telling me no, I began to see if any sort of peace entered my chaotic life.

And it did....sadly without the hope of what I dearly wanted.

I felt crushed, broken, and bitterly disappointed—I was angry at life for taunting me with such pretty hopes and then ripping them away. I felt like someone was trying to make me cynical. I felt hopeless. I felt I was resigning myself to doom if I totally gave up my pursuit. But what really hurt was the sting of regret, the bitter burn of the “what if’s,” and the dull, numb, sickening feeling when the delicate, lovely shadows of hope drifted carelessly upon my memory. It was all so exhausting!

God had told me no...or not now. And for the first time in my life, I was going to try and accept this with faith that he knew better than me as to why. I remember in the Bible when Abraham and Sarah prayed so desperately for a son and finally when God answered their prayers he asked Abraham to sacrifice his beloved treasure.How could it be done!

As humans we are so short sighted. We cannot see where God is taking us or what plans he has for our lives. But we must be encouraged that he DOES have a plan. God can make miracles happen and do the unimaginable. Time usually heals such wounds as I am facing. In retrospect, it may all make sense. Who knows what God’s point had been in saying no? I like to think he was protecting me, shielding me from falling into a deeper hurt, experiencing a greater heartache—for if things had been different, if they had gone on for a longer, more intimate time, and then broken apart—oh! What a wretched, scaring hurt that would have been! I don’t know how it could have been borne! But maybe, in his loving mercy God saved me from that. Maybe I was just blind and unable to see the truth about matters. Maybe, God isn’t telling me no, maybe, he is just telling me to wait and be patient. Abraham and Sarah tried to force and rush God’s plan by having a son through Hagar. See the disaster it caused? They did not wait and remember that God had something different planned for them, something even more precious.

So how can we know what God’s plan is? I think when peace comes into our lives, when we stop pushing against the force, when we pray and become very still—if we are searching for his will with all our hearts, that is when we find it. And our faith will be called into question when we are told no. How greatly do we trust God? A little child doesn’t understand why her parents won’t let her have certain things. She cries and sobs and falls on her face in a tantrum. But her parents don't say no because they don't love, but rather their love is SO great that they know what is best! Even if she doesn't.

God knows what is best for us. He loved us so greatly that he sent his son to die for us. How deep he loves his children! He wants such beautiful things for our lives, but we must remember to not try and push it to happen before we are ready. It is here where trust comes in. We must surrender our wills to God. And remember surrender is not always a bad thing. It doesn’t mean giving up or becoming a failure. It means giving up what we think we want, and trusting in God’s perfect plan of what we need.

God has told me no today. It hurts like crazy. But I also have hope. Hope in tomorrow, hope in the better things to come, hope that God may have saved me from deeper pain. I also have vast thanksgiving. What wonderful things I have learned so far! What amazing thoughts and ideas have entered my mind because of it! How much I have grown! How many opportunities to use my talents! I might understand it one day, I may not. I just know that God will never leave me, he will never forget me—the powerful Creator who calls the stars by name and knows the number of sands upon the shore—he watches over us faithfully. He knows where we are going. All we have to do is hold on to his hand with a heart full of love, faith, and thanksgiving.

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD.

“For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

“For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:11-13

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11

General Remarks on the Wickedness of Tuesdays, Dear Friends, and Naughty Turtles.

2011-03-22T10:26:00.001-05:00

Once upon a time, it was Tuesday.

And Tuesdays, as they are generally known in most refined circles of society, are not the most fashionable of days and therefore should hardly be worth the acknowledgment of gentlewomen. For Tuesdays are quite useless, ill-timed, unpopular and—dare I venture to say— even criminal. They are not brave enough to lead the week as the energetic, robust Mondays always do; Fearless Monday’s with their indomitable spirits of activity often times challenging the most reluctant spirit into movement. Tuesdays are not Wednesdays, the summit of hope after a weary journey up the mountain of the week— they are not Thursday’s (Thursdays I must gladly admit behave often times very magnanimous as they remind us how close we are to dear, precious, sweet Friday) And Fridays, the angelic days of the week to follow—blissful and lazy Saturdays, reverent and restful Sundays. Ah, yes, I will venture to say with even further passion—Tuesdays are from the devil!

I discovered last night, through divine intervention and a random search through my phone messages, that a good friend of mine is very sick. It pains me greatly that there is half a country between us and I am unable to give him a magical, revitalizing hug which—I am sure would cure all signs of illness! I am quite worried about him, however, and I hate to see him suffer in any way. On a selfish note, I do miss him greatly. Throughout the day I often think—“oh what a thought, I wish he were here so I might share it with him because I know he would smile at it!” I could go a long time and meet many boys and not find his equal…especially at this school full of silly people. But I feel positive! If he returns into my world I shall have the great happiness of his friendship. If he doesn't he will have been a great blessing and enjoyment in my life when he was there, as well as an awakener of forgotten dreams and dormant pastimes deep inside my heart. What a blessing either way! Such a rare and special person he is! For however long or short the time, how kind God has been to bless me with him! And I dearly hope my friend knows that…

In other news, apparently a New York turtle set fast moving fire inside an apartment today. I never knew turtles could be so naughty!

Contentment in Chaos

2011-03-21T12:58:00.001-05:00

To be back again, after what seemed an eternity at home, is, I must admit, rather good for the moment. I enjoyed being at home, the feeling of security, the solace of being near to those who intimately know and love me, the joys of being surrounded by nature, and of course, the curious pleasure of being in a house surrounded by an endless assortment of useless knick knacks and other such things to trip over. But, strangely enough, it seems less and less like home every time I return.

I must be honest, I will be glad when this trekking back and forth from Arkansas to Michigan is over. My apartment feels more like home than my home does, yet the atmosphere and people in my family make it feel more like home than the friends I have here at school. Bah!

It is something to look forward too, however, it is not to be rushed. There is a plethora of lessons and things to experience here in the south. I am striving to learn how to be content and reconciled to my situations in life, finding joy when I can, and maintaining the hope within me that one day life will not seem so very empty, nor as seemingly meaningless. I suppose many young people feel that feeling… that drifting, aimless, lost feeling. I am sure it will ease in severity once I finally know where I am to root myself, where I might permanently live, and in which direction I might take my life.

When I am at home my old dreams of writing Bible curriculum, being a teacher, and all sorts of useful activity as that, visit me. But then there is not a church outlet for such a dream!

When I am at home I begin to dream about being married, being the mistress of my own house, and being a delight and joy to my own little family; a loving and encouraging wife! But, alas, Mr. Charming is taking longer than expected to sit up upon that noble steed of his and come and rescue me. Or perhaps he is lost. You know how men are and stopping to ask for directions.

I believe that God gives every one of us gifts to use in the work of His kingdom. I think (if it is proper to declare such a thing) that he gave me the give of encouragement. I love so dearly to listen to and encourage others. I thrive on making them feel special, understood, and happy; I only regret that my own struggles have inhibited me from fully developing this talent, of late. I have resolved to make it more of my focus to establish this gift as a skill, instead of an occasional activity I pick up ever so often.

Thus is the current of thoughts which stream within my consciousness. Six more weeks of this busyness then at least work won’t be so chaotic. The sweetness of summer is already hinting its presence outside and I set out to conquer the day, a pray in my heart, and hope upon my mind.

Psalms 131:1-3 (Beautiful Verse!)

2011-03-21T08:06:00.000-05:00

Lord, I have given up my pride
      and turned away from my arrogance.
   I am not concerned with great matters
      or with subjects too difficult for me.
² Instead, I am content and at peace.
   As a child lies quietly in its mother's arms,
      so my heart is quiet within me.
³ Israel, trust in the Lord
      now and forever!

2011-03-18T15:52:00.000-05:00

Home Sweet Home

2011-03-17T11:12:00.001-05:00

Home Sweet Home

This break at home has been a much needed respite. Despite all the stressors which such a respite usually bring, I have had an excellent week so far and not much to complain about. Isn’t it amazing how you can turn almost any negative thing into a blessing of some sort? For instance, I got my haircut Tuesday and the girl completely ruined it. I went back Wednesday and had it fixed by a lady who exerted more skill and care upon it than I would have asked for originally. Now after the 3/4^th disappearance of the bulk of hair, I cannot believe how light my head feels! It is quite amazing. I have finally upgraded to a new phone. It plays a melodious sound when you text and the font is pretty so I am quite content with such an excellent phone as this. I have finally upgraded to a DSLR camera, a long, long time dream. I can now finally take quality pictures.

Also, my happy, fun little cousins never cease to thrill my expectations. They always astonish my belief that any being could be so entirely sweet and innocent. This has, indeed, been a lovely week. I will be happy to go back to school and return to a life of independence, as being home (as it seems less and less to be each time I return) always wearies tirelessly on my nerves. But, this week has been equally blessed with good things and much accomplished!

When I Fell in Love this Week

2011-03-17T10:42:00.002-05:00

I believe I quite fell in love this past week.

Before you go and think me too serious, let me assure you of my silliness. I fell in love with Captain Wentworth. The dear, poor love crossed man who waited 8 years for Anne, never loving another, never looking upon another woman. Such deep loyalty of heart cannot help but capture mine. Read Persuasion! Please! Jane Austen’s heroes always seem to be of such excellent and noble character. So much so, I cannot think which one I like better. Whichever book I am reading, I seem to fall instantly in love with all of them.

I have often been torn between looking for a man who has a great excitement, strength, aggression, and power to do and motivate and a man who has a tender, deep heart with a capacity to not only understand my great imaginings, but also return soulful conversation. I’ve never really considered that there might be a man out there with both traits, for one nature seems contrary to the other. I suppose the former could be romantically described as the warrior, the king, the bold and fearless leader…the other described more as the gentleman, the poet, the soft spoken dreamer, the reluctant hero who takes up the sword not out of thrill of adventure, but out of loyalty to a cause more important than himself.

Do you ever go through those times in your life where you realize how little you know? I once fancied myself the owner of many resolute and soundly reasoned through ideals. How I knew men to be, how I knew myself to be around men, and exactly who I wanted in my life. Yet, God has ways of opening your eyes and completely redesigning your mind. Growing up in a family environment where strong opinions and critical examination of everything, unimportant to prodigious, are regarded as the entire pattern of life, I have found two dreams—two desperately yearned for dreams—nestled within the hope chest of my heart: peace and optimism. A steady, uncomplicated, happy life—simplicity and respect, encouragement and hope—I’ve discovered is something I want more than anything! Oh I don’t feel worthy to earn such a beautiful life as that!

My little family of sister and mother aside, the people in my world never seem happy. There is always something greatly horrible to complain about, there is always conflict to upset tranquility, there are always hurt feelings, unsolvable problems and selfishness to push one’s own way. I suppose every person has problems, and I hardly mean to complain in a piteous way…

It just seems that, in my own limited understanding, life could be better. Couldn’t it? Couldn’t we think on happy things instead of negative? Couldn’t we imagine hopeful endings, instead of bitter? Couldn’t we build up one another instead of tear down?Everyone just seems so dreadfully unhappy in life. Too busy, too complicated, too much worry, too much anger. Why couldn't we all just be patient and quietly spirited like Anne Eliot? Why couldn't we be deep and beautifully minded like Marianne Dashwood? Or calm and sensible like Elinor? Strong and intelligent like Elizabeth Bennet or Emma Woodhouse?

I suppose I have been reading too many Jane Austen novels. I am filled with the gentle, perfect, happy endings which always accompanies the ends of her work. I wish that all people could read her books and come away with the same happy, delighted feelings as I do. I would like to go as far as to say, “Read a Jane Austen book and your entire life will look remarkably brighter and so much deeper!” But that cannot be said for all people. Some people have American Idol, I have 19^th century literature. <3

Born In Such a Time As This?

2011-03-13T18:28:00.001-05:00

I find my world falls into a slower pace when I jump into the time of Jane Austen. I find myself back in time where great honor, civility, decorum, and all manners of pretty politeness were observed. I also see illustrated an admirable caricature of what I consider to be an ‘extinct gentleman’. Such men who observe the delicate and tender natures of a female, such men who respect them as the weaker creature, yet not in so condescending of a manner, but rather with dignity and honor and richness of character.

Why are men no longer like this? I find very few who are. It seems most all the men in my life have set out on a conquest to belittle women, ridicule them, and defeat their spirits with an almost passionate fire. To exert their superiority while demeaning a woman as inferior, to me, is one of the most wicked and grievous injustices between the contemporary man and woman. And for those rare, gentleman who are left in this modern world, I know that today’s women are not the refined, graceful, elegant creatures of a soft, strong, and gentle spirits like I feel they should be.

When I look around my world, I see at almost every turn a visible proof that my world is full of the kitsch, the crude and tasteless, the greed of materialism, and an obsession with instant self-gratification. I know that no time period is perfect, but I like to imagine the slow life back in Austen’s day— where you might find hours of contemplation among peaceful green hills and the sound of birds, instead of crowded, noisy streets of buses and cars—In her time, would you not be reminded more vividly that this is indeed God’s world? Not ours? Oh, if I might escape from such a place. If only someone might rescue me from this modern world without honor!

Sigh.

I feel myself drowning again in sad, deep, old fashioned thoughts. So I should venture to put aside my romantic tragedies and wistful longings and fall back into my readings…

Thoughts on Persuasion....

2011-03-13T16:18:00.000-05:00

I am currently reading Persuasion. I shall admit freely my own meager comprehension skills are slightly challenged by Austen’s verbosity in this particular novel. But nevertheless, I am intrigued by the story. Miss Anne Elliot, losing out on her first chance of “happily ever after” has been blessed by destiny with a reunion betwixt herself and the dashing, headstrong Captain Wentworth. I tend to be more rebellious in such fantasied imaginings, and concurred instantly upon hearing her tragic love broken tale that I, surely I, would never be so easily persuaded to give up the man I dearly love!

I will freely own that I, though previously assured I was quite the opposite, am not exceedingly stubborn a person. This dawned on me with such profundity that I quite fell over. But I realized after an instant review of the past few years, I saw that I very rarely dig my heals in the ground about anything. I parade about in garments of fun and mischief, perhaps creating illusions of an obstinate nature, but in all reality, it is just that, fun and mischief, for which I long. Don’t get me wrong: values, principles, and all things which make up the firm and resolute core of my moral being aside, in matters of lesser importance I find that I am almost always fully persuadable.

I revel in the fact that unlike the typical pattern which many in my family seem to follow, I like to look at life with an open mind, dreaming of all the “what if’s,” and am totally flexible to the idea that one way may be just as good as another way. In that sense, I suppose yes, I am persuadable. However, if the result of persuasion is not induced upon me by logic, practicality, intelligent reasoning or has nothing to do with the greater good of promoting the best in other person, then I fail to see any reason to consider such an opinion. (Unless it is to quell the vexing company of people who push their loud opinions without any logic in them whatsoever. In such cases, I believe it is best to smile quietly and try not to aggravate their stubborn opinions by pressing a matter which will never be won.)

So, to be truthful, I cannot say that I am totally persuadable. I am persuadable in triviality, unmovable in convictions, and open-minded if a better way is justly explained. Shouldn’t that be so with all people, though?

But forgive me, I ramble.

I find it interesting how often Austen uses the word ‘persuade’ in the novel. And also how firmness of character is often time shown as a weakness, while Anne’s own character of being easily persuaded set up as strength! I shall continue to read to be further enlightened… as I do so I shall try to find the correlation between persuasion and strength of character. For I see none. I find so utterly attractive the loyal, steady, clear-minded way of thinking. To decide and to do. To be unwavering in what we love and completely loyal to those we cherish—is there not a greater proof of affection than to feel the solid confidence and continuance of another’s heart?

All I am saying is that to dilly dally between feelings, to be convinced that you cannot enjoy love with another person, based on convictions not your own, I feel is signs of feeble character. I am sure to share more ramblings later, upon further reading....