Happily Holland

I'm not okay.

noreply@blogger.com (Kaela @kflabuloustofabulous) — Sun, 25 Mar 2018 05:58:00 +0000

Here I am again, lost.

On this repetitive cycle.

I'm laying here on the couch, listening to soulful music. My brain going a million miles an hour. I spent most of the day searching for podcasts on psychology and trauma. I keep a lot of things in my head because I feel it burdens others, or makes others feel down. But, as you know, this is my safe haven.

I am not okay right now. And I wonder if I am ever 'okay', or if I am just numb? I suppress so many feelings and emotions, that they all come flooding out at once. We are taught to be strong, we are taught that life goes on. And it does, ultimately. But, I can't help but find myself in an absolute stand still. It always comes back to one thing. The pain that was afflicted on me as a young child. It's not something that can be forgotten, or moved on from so easily. Believe me, I have tried for 10 years now. I have masked so many thing, found things that would appease the hole that has been created. Its just a patch, and eventually it all comes crumbling down. I fight myself every day to push through and just keep going, which is what I should do. But, I shouldn't have to fight myself. Every. Single. Day. Thats not okay, and thats not a life to live. I shouldn't have to think about my shortcomings or why I'm not good enough multiple times a day. I was listening to a podcast today about a woman who was sexually abused for years. She made the statement that she was "dirty", used up and unwanted. And I don't think that I have ever realized that that is how I feel. When you look in the mirror, and all you see is how someone made you feel, you give up. And no matter how many times you tell yourself you're wrong, you can always convince yourself otherwise. I crave to be mentally healthy, I want to live a life where I don't need medication to get me through the day. I don't want to be dependent on my antidepressants. Missing a day of those, I might as well just not get out of bed. When I have my seasons, I am constantly searching for something to make it better. To help me out of the slump, something I can look forward to. I have built up anger. With every year that passes, more and more anger piles up. I'm angry that this pain was forced on me. I'm angry that I can't handle it. I'm angry that I can't get passed it. I'm angry that it consumes me.

Mental health is the start of physical health. I want so bad to be both.

I don't want to be seen as a victim. Victims are always portrayed as weak. I think that is partially what makes me weak. I've put on my brave face for years. You get certain looks as a victim, you know the face that you make when you see those PETA commercials? It also makes for awkward conversation, which only makes it harder to talk about. I have always been extremely transparent on here.

Let me tell you the thoughts that I have as a 'victim'.

I am dirty. I am broken. I am unlovable. I don't get choices. I'm not meant to live a happy life. Looking in the mirror, thats as good as its going to get. Whats the point, you'll never be happy with yourself. I've talked about this too many times, I don't want to get on peoples nerves. Its too uncomfortable to talk about.

I let it happen. I didn't stop it, I didn't tell. I kept going back. There has to be something wrong with me to allow this to happen. I am beyond damaged to be fixed.

I scream at myself. What is so wrong in my brain that I can't move on? Peace within yourself shouldn't be this hard.

I try to remember to appreciate all of the things that have fallen into place. The hate always consumes the appreciation. "It only does if you let it". Yeah.. Tell me how you don't let it? Because I've tried more than one way to fix this. I have pushed myself, I have cried, I have acted out, I have went to counseling.. What more can I do?

Rollie pollie

noreply@blogger.com (Kaela @kflabuloustofabulous) — Sat, 10 Feb 2018 04:08:00 +0000

And here it goes again. I have been writing this blog for weeks now. BUT, I deleted the previous saved post. Because I heard a line today (off This Is Us, go ahead judge me).
"Accept who you are in all your damaged glory".
And it really resignated with me.
And boy, am I damaged.
But, isn't most of the world damaged in some way?
The chemistry in my brain, for whatever God awful reason, is messed up. On the outside I try my hardest to cope with things like an adult. On the inside I am kicking and screaming, and cussing people. I have tried for so many years to figure out why I am the way that I am. Why in my moments of weakness, I am beyond weak. I give in at the drop of a hat. One bad day, one bad moment, its all over. I stub my toe on the desk and I'm immediately craving a cookie. How do you teach an old dog new tricks? For 27 years my brain has been wired this way. I have given in time after time, I allow myself to fail. I still get incredibly pissed, lecture myself, and then apparently develop a spout of amenesia about said lecture and eat the whole house.
I don't know at what moment enough will be enough. We are built to fail, but we are also built to succeed. And with success comes failure. I am impatient. When I want something, I want it NOW. I'm an only child, sue me. We live in a world where at the click of a button we get instant gratification. I feel like that really sets you up for disappointment. $200 worth of groceries in a click, hell, they'll even put that crap in your trunk, you don't even have undo your seatbelt. But where's my personal Chef who is going to cook all the healthy foods for me?
I always think to myself, well if I had all the moneys, I would have a chef and he would only cook me healthy meals and I would work out 9 hours a day and blah blah blah.
But in this fake reality I have conjured up, the actual fake reality would probably be I actually just have a Taco Bell attached to my garage.. Gah, even the alternate reality me is fat.

I think accepting yourself in all of your damaged glory happens in steps and different sections.
And I think you can accept yourself but still want Better and still strive for better. There's a difference between acceptance and complacency, at least in my opinion.
I accept the person that I am. I accept that I am a compulsive, narotic, controlling, judgey asshole. I am constantly wanting to be better and to do better. I don't think thats not accepting, I think that's more of just human nature, at least most humans.. "better, faster, stronger" And I see that in all aspects of myself. Not just weight loss. People say be who you want to be, look how you want to look, not how society thinks you should be. And I mean it could just be me, I want to look a certain way, but it's the way I want to look. It's not because society told me to look that way, it's what I find attractive. And I dont think there's anything wrong with that. I think the world has built this notion of what is attractive and what is not attractive, spun it and now you're shamed for liking something and for not liking something.
You do you, boo boo.

Anyways lets get real.
I have have fallen off the wagon.. like so far off. I fell off the wagon, over the side of a cliff, down a steep embankment, onto another wagon, and then fell off that wagon.
I have eaten like eating food is becoming extinct.
I have gained fifteen pounds.
FIFTEEN.
I haven't worked out.
You know like when your sitting/Haf way laying down on the couch and you go to get up, and you have to like rock back and forth full force a few times to get up? That is how I currently feel. Like I'm rocking back and forth full force, but i am going absolutely no where. I mean i can imagine its pretty funny to watch, but it kinds sucks. Damn Rollie Pollue Ollie over here.
It's a hump that I never get over.
An unrealistic goal ill never meet.
Faith. You always have to have faith.
And i do. After all this crap, I still have faith that one day it'll be different.

So, here i am. Picking my fat ass off the floor, for the 927496350127307102361847102 millionth time.
Because February is the new January. And starting over is always a good idea on a Monday. Ill find something that works. Something that sticks and makes me not want to give up after five minutes.
Because I can accept myself in all my damaged glory and still want more.

And on that note, i bid you adieu.

A downward spiral

noreply@blogger.com (Kaela @kflabuloustofabulous) — Sun, 31 Dec 2017 21:17:00 +0000

So lets talk downward spirals.

I can always feel them coming, a lot of times they are inevitable.

Its filled with a lot of depression, anxiety, and bloat.

I am not a person who deals with stress and anxiety very well. My coping mechanisms involve a lot of Taco Bell and sweet tea.

I dig a small hole, and then just keep going.

"It puts the lotion on the skin."

Except theres no creepy man in a woman robe yelling at me.

Just me, myself and I.

Trying to dig my way out, but the walls keep crumbling down.

I know, thats a super dramatic representation, maybe I was made for the theater.

When I get like this, I am lost.

I know what to do, but its like I cant grasp it. Almost like becoming immobile. Its arms length in front of me, but someone cut off my arms.

The bad thing about downward spirals, is I always hit rock bottom.

Which is usually 20 steps behind the 10 steps I took before.

I don't like feeling weak. Feeling weak makes me feel helpless.

I know that I can do it, Ive done it before.

At what point do you become stronger than your doubts and fears. I find failure to be inevitable. I allow myself to fail. Which really doesn't make sense, because obviously I want to succeed. Everyone WANTS to succeed. I guess failing is familiar. I know the routine. I know how to fail. But I don't know how to succeed, or at least keep succeeding. Familiarity is not scary.

If I could learn to punch my inner self in the face or possibly tie her up, I gladly would. But what is so scary about succeeding? What is so scary about being happy in your own skin or liking what you see in the mirror? The obvious answer is nothing. Maybe its not so obvious? If anyone has any insight, I'm all ears.

Complacency is comfortable. Freedom is comfortable.

By freedom I mean doing what you want, eating what you want, not having to work out.

However, having clothes that don't fit, not being able to do a sit up because your belly gets in the way, is NOT comfortable.

So wheres the line? Whats the magic number? At what point does it click, or at least stay clicked. Struggling is a part of life, I want to defeat the struggle. I don't want it to define me any more. I want to prove MYSELF wrong.

I'm being cliche and staring over, tomorrow. On the New Year.

I have plans in my head, they aren't laid out, but they are there.

The thought of being healthy and doing what I need to do, gives me extreme anxiety.

Its so easy to just be lazy. Its not easy being fat. It also sucks, HARD.

I'm ready, but not ready to start again. My kids deserve to have a mom that has energy and can keep up with them running in the yard. Most importantly, they deserve to have a mommy be around as long as possible.

A letter.

noreply@blogger.com (Kaela @kflabuloustofabulous) — Thu, 07 Dec 2017 07:51:00 +0000

So, lately I have been feeling down.

And as we all know, I write when I am down.

Now, its probably repetitive, but, it's my blog; my rules.

Last week, I was watching a show on HBO called Meth Storm(?).

I have a fascination with drug addicts, especially meth. Its usually all the same story, but I like the psychology behind it.

Anyways, there was a child on there whose father was the chief of police, and apparently the town was a big meth cesspool. The kid was maybe twelve years old, he was going over the times when he was a child and could point out meth heads in the grocery store, or wherever. And it got me thinking, obviously this child knew what to look for because of his father. But, there are many children who know from personal experience. And that to me, breaks my heart.

I knew what a crack pipe looked like at the age of fourteen. I know what the smell of meth smells like, I know the little signs that are strung out throughout the house that it was used earlier that day. I know that BIC pens are the perfect tool to get high. That rolled up dollar bills on the table, aren't just rolled up dollar bills. I have been around crackheads, alcoholics, and even someone who MURDERED a person. Someone who actually took another persons life.

No one should have to be subjected to those things, let alone a CHILD.

The older I get, the more I remember.

I have had so much stolen from me, my innocence being the most important thing.

As children, we grow up idolizing our parents. They do no wrong, and if they do, its okay because you love them and they love you.

People only show you what they want you to see.

I never talked about my fathers drug use, or abuse to anyone.

Who wants to admit that their father is a piece of shit drug addict who abuses them?

The answer is no one.

Shame is what we would call that.

And that is what I have felt my entire teenage/adult life.

Shame that my father could/would do those things. Shame that I didn't report it.

Shame that it happened to me.

As I get older, I recognize more and more how fucked up it all was. I look at my children and think how in the world would someone want to hurt their children? They are so pure and innocent, I want to shield them from all of the bad and evil from this world, not invite it through the front door.

I have felt a lot a pain lately, doubt, unworthiness, and a tremendous amount of weakness. Years have passed, but every so often I let the pain and anger take over me.

I have gone back and forth with myself a million times on writing my father. Telling him I forgive him, filling him in on my life. But, why in the world would I do that? Why would I invite someone into a piece of my life when they so openly and blatantly didn't give a shit about it in the first place?

So instead of writing him a letter and mailing it, I am going to write it here.

This is my safe place, I come here to let everything out and to express all of my feelings.

I dont know how this 'letter' will turn out, so I guess we will find out together.

I can remember you being my best friend. The person I would look up to and laugh with. The person who would tell me I could eat as many nutty bars as I wanted to. The person who would let me get away with anything. I remember all of our favorite movies and tv shows, and the quotes that we would say to each other daily. I remember the rides you would take me on in the 'big truck', and the random truck stops we would go to and get all of the junk foods.I remember when I was 8 years old, you stole all of the change out of my piggy banks and then lied about it. I remember when mom left you, and I felt like my whole world was ending. I remember coming to stay with you and skipping school the next day because we were too lazy to get up and drive the 30 minutes. I remember mom having to bring groceries with me because you didn't have a job and couldn't feed me. I remember the time you were homeless and we had to pick you up from under the bridge. I remember the first time you laid your hands on me and how I didn't see you for six months after. I remember telling mom that nothing happened and that I just didn't want to go to your house. I remember making excuses in my head for you, that I was all you had, and if I left, you'd have nothing. I remember the times you left me at your friends houses because you were out 'partying', and wouldn't answer your phone when I called wondering where you were. I remember making excuses when my friend found naked pictures of children on your phone. I remember the broken crack pipes in the bath room drawer, the mirrors on the table with crushed up powder residue. I remember the stale smell of smoke and odd smell of meth that filled your house. I remember you trying to manipulate me when I was busy with friends and you were all alone. I remember bringing you subway when I got off work because you yet again didn't have money or a job. I remember the Christmas eve we got pulled over because you thought it was a good idea to take your car a mile down the road to the gas station to get cigarettes, even though the inspection had been out for 10 years. I remember sitting in the car, scared out of my mind not knowing what was happening, and having no way to call anyone. I remember riding home in the back of the cop car because they took you to jail for whatever reason. I remember visiting you in jail months later. I remember the day that I was taken to the court house because and questioned about you. I remember sitting in front of a camera and telling a complete stranger where, when and how you hurt me. I remember the last conversation I ever had with you, calling you on the phone and asking you why, and if you had hurt anyone else. I remember every ounce of pain and emptiness I felt that day and the following year. I felt confused, hurt, angry, lost... I didn't know what to do. I didn't realize that what you had been doing was 'wrong', you had manipulated me into thinking that our life was normal, and that it wasn't hurting me. And now I realize how wrong I was. The pain I felt absolutely consumed me. I could not function, there wasn't a day of my junior year that I didn't cry. I felt more shame than any child should EVER have to feel. You took away my innocence, my right to be a child, my trust, and my ability to know what love was, or if it even existed. You hurt MY family, and that is more unforgivable that hurting me. Everyone says that you should forgive the ones who wronged you, I do not forgive you. As an adult I still struggle with the pain. I find it impossible for someone to love me, and question it daily. I see only my flaws, and when I see a glimpse of something good, I quickly find a reason to dismiss it. You were one big disappointment, and thats all I expect from myself. I find things to fill the holes that I feel inside. And 9 times out of 10, they are extremely unhealthy. I battle with my own addiction. I question everyones intentions and expect the worst in people. You didn't love me enough to protect me from evil. You helped take the innocence of countless other children, and subjected them to a life similar to mine. I wish that I could take their pain, knowing that you hurt others is more heart breaking than you just hurting me. You made me feel unworthy of anything more than the life you led. You broke me in more ways than I'll ever be able to put back together. I will always have to fight myself to see more than what you showed me. But, I will always fight. I will fight for my children, their peace, happiness, safety and innocence. I will show them a life that every child deserves. I will teach them to learn from the things around them, and that no matter who breaks them down, how bad their day is, or how inadequate they feel, they will ALWAYS be worthy of love. As long as I am living, I will make sure that they never have to question their worth. I want you to know that I am where I belong. And you are exactly where you belong. I refuse to feel sorry for you any more. I refuse to let the sadness creep in when I see my son playing with his grandpas, because you do not deserve to know his love. I have a daughter that I would walk through hell to make sure she never feels the pain that you can inflict. I will not fail them like you failed me. I don't think you will ever be able fathom the pain that you have caused to so many people, and I don't believe you could ever feel remorse for your mistakes. I hope that you can find forgiveness in yourself and with God. Because I can't give it to you. You're gone, and I've spent too long letting you control me. I want my control back. I want to feel worthy and strong in my own skin. You've stolen my peace for too long. I want it back.

Well theres that. I didn't really know how to end it. Maybe its a cliffhanger for another time.

Either way, that I feel slightly better. I want more than anything to be able to be strong.

"Do not be ashamed of the wars your soul has fought to save itself."

And on that note, I bid you adieu.

Sometimes, I'm super cliche.

noreply@blogger.com (Kaela @kflabuloustofabulous) — Wed, 22 Nov 2017 06:35:00 +0000

I have written this blog at least five times.
And that has been my opener, at least five times.
I don't ever know what to say, I will wake up thinking about writing, and planning about what I am going to talk about, and then mom brain. Most of the time I'm either holding a hand while I type, or keeping one from slapping the keyboard while getting yelled at.

Also, would like to add that I have now started to write this 6 times.. but what can ya do?

Okay, so I have struggled with what subjects to talk about, and I think I am just going to hit a few points that have scrambling around in my head.

I am still going strong, CGstrong that is. I have stuck with Camp Gladiator for three months now. It is still the best decision that I have ever made. I have found strength in myself that I didn't know that I had. Being apart of something where everyone is out there kicking ass and trying to be the best version of themselves is extremely inspiring. I am NOT a group activity kind of person, but I have found that being in CG, a group experience is exactly what I needed. The encouragement and motivation is infectious. I have also fallen in absolute love with my trainers and their passion with helping others. It takes an extremely special kind of person to build people up and to keep encouraging others, all with smiles on their faces. I will FOREVER be grateful for finding CG, and if you haven't found it yet, you need to, like yesterday.

Which leads me to my next topic.

Excuses. Which we all know are like buttholes.... Everyone has them. And I am of course, calling the kettle black. The difference is, being stronger than your excuses at least 85% of the time. I do not want to work out more than half of the time that I go. But, I suck it up, and I do it. I will sit there and rack my brain of which excuse could be good enough to not go, and I haven't found one yet. These past couple of weeks have been hard emotionally, and well as physically due to my 'Stones'. I cried last Wednesday to myself while I was working out, I didn't want to be there. I was weak, tired, and not feeling myself. But, in order to see change, you have to make the change. Do something you have never done before. If I don't work out, the only person it effects is myself. If I don't do a full rep, it effects only myself. A lot of what I love about CG is the accountability it gives you. There are times when you work at your own pace, and then there are times that you work with a team. Most of the time, the teams are built of people you barely know. I find it way harder to let someone down that I don't know than to let someone down that I do know. It pushes you to work harder.

I want to say I have touched on this subject, at least a million times, but why not add one more.

Self sabotage.

As a human being, disappointment is always a fear. Failure is always a fear. And most of the time they go hand in hand.

When you go into things with the mind set that you will fail, YOU WILL FAIL. Expecting to fail, and sabotaging yourself takes the mystery out of succeeding.

Changing my mindset has been one of the hardest things to do. I am not always on board, and I fight with myself daily, more than 12 times a day. I battle with why am I doing this? What is the point? I'm still not where I want to be, and I don't know that I will ever be where I want to be. I am pushing through, trying to keep patience. Frustration is something I struggle with every single day, especially with every workout. I think a lot of what pushes us to fail, at least with me, is that we look at how far we have to go, not at how far we have come. Since high school I have stuck to one quote that I have really held onto.

"Surround yourself with those who only lift you higher."

Pushing yourself is hard. Being self motivating is hard.

Having people who want you to succeed even MORE than you want to succeed is key.

I have been extremely blessed beyond measure to have that, ten fold.

It is so incredibly easy to criticize and over analyze yourself and your faults.

I am lucky enough to have found people who are blind to my faults, and love me because of my imperfections.

I beat myself up daily, but I also have my Mr. Miyagis in the corner slapping me out of it.

All with tough love.

Being 'stuck' especially for a 'long' period of time, SUCKKKKSSSSSSSSSSSS..

Complacency sucks. Settling sucks.

But, the point is, you keep going.

Like you're the damn little engine that could.

Chugga. Chugga. Choo. Choo.

I know, super cliché. Get over it.

"You've circled this mountain long enough, now turn north."

- Deuteronomy 2:3

And on that note, I bid you adieu.

Self Love.

noreply@blogger.com (Kaela @kflabuloustofabulous) — Thu, 24 Aug 2017 04:50:00 +0000

I have made extreme progress these past few weeks, eating wise.

I eat half of what I used to and I stop when I am full. Usually, if I put something on my plate, or go through the drive thru, I almost feel deprived if I don't eat the whole thing. It has nothing to do with wasting the food, or wasting the money that was spent on food. Its just the simple fact that food runs my life, and if I don't eat it all, I feel like something will be missing from me.

I can't tell you how many times I re-read my blogs. My thoughts are always, "Is this girl serious? IT'S JUST FOOD." I can only imagine the thoughts that some people have. I know how ridiculous it is. Believe me, I live it every single day.

I am my absolute own worst enemy. I criticize everything I do.

I self sabotage. Why?

Since I was young, I have felt that I was unworthy of love. I would like someone so much, and of course they wouldn't like me because of my weight. I remember in fourth grade I was absolutely in "love" with one of my best friends. We hung out constantly at school. We went on a field trip to a water park, and we were floating next to each other, 'flirting' of course. And I remember his sister and her friends saying how cute of a couple we would make, and right after they said that, he pushed my float away. (the me now would have throat punched him). I felt like he liked me, it was kinda obvious. So, I got one of our mutual friends to ask him. His response? "Yeah, but I would never go out with her because she's fat". Uhmmmmm well okayyyy. Dick.

This happened with literally every guy I liked. And hey, I get it. You're attracted to what you're attracted to. I'm not hating on people who don't want to date 'fat' people. But, jokes on you because fat people are hilarious.

In all seriousness, theres so many things that led to my "demise". Rejection after rejection and the abuse I endured slowly diminished my self esteem. No one wanted me any way, so why not just comfort myself with all the foods. It was almost like I was building a shield around myself. This person doesn't love me, but that Chicken Express sure does. In hind sight, its almost like I welcomed the rejection. Like I needed to constantly remind myself that I was 'unlovable'.

Life is so backwards. Why are we GLUTTONS for punishment? (see what I did there?)

When I met my husband, I couldn't believe that someone could love me that much. I still question it. It has absolutely nothing to do with him. He shows me every single day how much he loves me.

The issues is with me. I fight with myself every day. It is still so hard for me to except that someone could love me.

Now, if I were reading this from someone other than myself, I would slap them.

I can build my friends up when they are down. I can see the absolute good in them, even when they can't. When I try to see the good in myself, I always let the bad outweigh the good.

I have been holding onto so much for so long, I thought that I had learned to live with it.

This past month has taught me otherwise.

I had never talked about what happened to me because I felt complete shame. I felt that people would judge me because I "allowed" this to happen. I didn't want to burden anyone with my pain, or make it awkward for them. I felt sorry for other people.

I was the victim, and then became my own victim. Yes, I was abused. But no amount of pain that someone else can inflict on me, can amount to the pain I can inflict on myself.

I have felt every single emotion this past month. Going from completely fine to completely broken all within a months time is so confusing. The only thing I can think is that everything I have kept inside of me for all the years has been building and building, and finally it just exploded.

I am trying to be more open and honest, not only with myself but with everyone around me.

I am trying to understand that I am not a burden to those who love me.

That asking for help is okay.

That talking about it is okay.

That my abuse was not my fault, and I should let go of all this shame.

That I can love myself.

Finding self love is one of the most beneficial things you can do for yourself.

Its easy to love others, its the hardest to love yourself.

I didn't realize how free I could be. I still hold onto so much hurt, but I am learning to deal with It in healthier ways than binging on any and everything.

Like everything, it is going to take time. And like I have said before, when I want something I want it now. This can't and wont be the case. I am trying to accept that. I can give up like I always do, but look where that has gotten me.

I am more than a victim.

I am more than my weight.

I am more than my pain.

And I am more than worthy of love.

"It's not your fault and you aren't less than enough. You aren't what they did to you. You aren't the person that grew in all crooked and bent under the pressure of what happened to you. You aren't the awkwardness that came from being stepped on and over-pruned. You are the spirit that survived. You are the deep roots that continued to grow beneath the surface even when you were outwardly rejected. You are the life that went on despite being mowed over time and time again. You are the beauty that remained, waiting patiently for the right time to bloom. And now, because you held on even when the world turned away, your strength and compassion are the kind that know no end. You, my dear, are so much more than enough. You are exceptional-because you survived, because you beat the odds, because you are a warrior, a self-taught healer, and because now you have become a beacon of hope for others who suffered like you." Cristen Rodgers

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.

Small Goals

noreply@blogger.com (Kaela @kflabuloustofabulous) — Tue, 22 Aug 2017 04:37:00 +0000

As you can see, I have made a few changes to my design layout.

I still plan on working on my weight of course, because that will always be a huge topic.

But, now that I have two littles and a husband, its not all about me any more.

So, Happily Holland it is.

I like a quick fix. Instant gratification.

Hence why I have had two weight loss surgeries.

I have zero patience, when I want something, I want it like yesterday.

And this is about 85% of the reason that I give up after about one day of trying to lose weight.

Another reason would be that I am constantly hungry. A hour after eating I already feel like I am withering away.
I think one of my biggest issues is fear.
Fear of failure, mostly. Or maybe fear of succeeding and then failing again?
I was talking to a friend today about why we can't just get our stuff together and do what needs to be done. What deep seeded issues are we holding onto? I am trying to get to the root of mine. Obviously I have experienced my fair share of 'trauma', and clearly have issues. Retraining your brain to do something that you have done almost every day of your whole life seems impossible. The whole line "You can't teach an old dog new tricks", rains true in this situation. I can wake up thinking I am 100% going to eat healthy today, and then literally five seconds later I am in the drive thru to get donuts. Like I forgot that I was supposed to be eating egg whites and turkey bacon. Then I realize what I have done after I have stuffed myself with donut holes and pigs in a blanket. By this point of course, its wayyy too late to start eating healthy. I mean my whole day is ruined, it won't count. And the only day to start is on a Monday, so Ill just restart next Monday. Do you know how many times "I'll start Monday" has come out of my mouth? Because I don't.
I feel like that is so relatable to so many people.

^ I mean they've made memes about it.
What I am slowly starting to learn is that, you really don't have to start on a Monday.
I know, blasphemy.
I can hardly believe it myself.
But, this time, I "started" on a Wednesday.
I am not going to lie, I am taking Phentermine. It had never worked for me in the past, but I thought why not give it another go. And let me tell you my experience so far.
I get hungry, but never to the point of I want to eat the whole house.
And when I do eat, I don't really eat a lot. I stay full for a little longer than usual. I don't constantly think about food, I have had one or two cravings, but they go away. Before these past couple of weeks, I would think about whatever it was that I was craving, it would literally engulf my mind. And I HAD to have it.
Now I don't know if this is the medicine working, or if its the relief that I have felt of finally admitting out loud how I truly felt about my past. Or, it could be both.
Food has been my absolute crutch for everything. There have been so many times where I have had a bad day at work, or just at home that I tell my husband I don't care what you eat tonight, but I NEED to have blah blah blah. Food is literally my Xanax.
Nothing makes me feel better than food, and nothing makes me feel worse. I am strong person, I have dealt with and been through some shit that no person should ever have to deal with, especially at such a young age. I think I turned to food because I could control it in a sense. Like it wouldn't let me down. I mean when does cheese fries EVER let anyone down? I now realize that food controls me. I see so many people out there who judge people for being bigger, "just stop eating all the fatty foods, work out, blah blah blah." When you have an addiction, its not that easy to just quiet it. There are so many drug addicts and alcoholics that relapse, most more than once or twice. You can sit there and say that food is no comparison to a drug addiction, but you obviously don't have an eating addiction.
You don't need drugs and alcohol to survive, but you do need food.
Currently, I am living in constant fear that I will cave and forget that I am trying to make changes for the better. TERRIFIED.
I am terrified of myself. I am terrified of every single fast food restaurant I pass, of every piece of junk food in this house.
I went to get my hair cut today in Fort Worth, which we all know has way better eating options than Cleburne or Joshua. I had to just keep my eyes straight.
My amazing counselor said that it is okay to have certain things. That I should be able to eat whatever I want, just in moderation. And I agree, but my mind doesn't know moderation. And if I try moderation, I just end up going down hill.
Now, don't let me fool you. I'm not eating baked chicken and broccoli. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with Cheetos for lunch today, which is a heck of a lot better than a buttery jack and a large curly fry. I still have not binged. I think that is what my main focus is right now. I have to take it one step at a time. Jumping in all at once just sets me up for failure. The two steps that I take forward, will turn into 20 steps back. It seems when I make progress and lose about 5 pounds, I will turn around and gain about 15 within a month. A MONTH. No part of that is healthy.
Trying to find a balance when you're a mother is extremely hard. My childrens needs ALWAYS come before mine. I make sure they are taken care of before I do anything with myself. I look like a homeless person 90% of the time. Finding "me" time as a mother is almost impossible. I feel guilty when I do something for myself. After my counseling appointment this week, I went to get some new clothes with a gift card that I have been holding onto since Christmas, and the whole time I was gone, I was thinking about the kids and hoping that they weren't fussing or being bad for Dayton. I take five minute showers because I hear phantom cries and think something is wrong with one of them, or because Hudson tries open the shower curtain and get water every where.
And I know thats pretty much every mother out there. I know that its okay to put myself first sometimes. It is just easier said than done.

I am going to set small goals for myself. And right now, none of them are going to be weight loss goals. I want to set 'healthy mind goals'. I need to start at the top and work my way down to the mid section. If I lose weight in the process, then thats obviously welcomed. It is literally going to have to be one step at a time with me. Going all in hasn't worked for me in the past, it only sets me up for failure.

I know it will take time, and time is our biggest enemy. But, I can do or do not, the time will pass either way.

And on that note, I bid you adieu.

Emotions and stuff.

noreply@blogger.com (Kaela @kflabuloustofabulous) — Sat, 19 Aug 2017 04:31:00 +0000

I don't know why I keep saying "I'm back" and then... I'm not.

Blogging is something I used to really enjoy. But, with two kids under three, everything gets pushed under the rug. So, I will say that I MIGHT be back, pending if my children let me or not.

A little update:

I had my sweet baby girl. Her name is Ava Reece. She is now 10 months old, she is a little chunk, poor thing gets that from her mama. Hudson is the best big brother. He is so gentle with her and loves to make her laugh. Ava thinks he hung the moon, I am going to cherish these days; I know that one day it will be completely different.

Now down to the nitty gritty.

Over the past month, I have been emotionally exhausted.

If you have followed my blog, you know a little bit about my past, but if you haven't I will give you a brief history.

When I was twelve years old I was sexually abused by my father. It went on for several years until he was arrested and convicted.

Following these events, I crawled into a dark hole. Depression doesn't even describe how I was feeling. You never think that something bad could happen to you, until it does. And you never believe someone who is supposed to be your protector and safe haven would be the one to hurt you the most.

I was confused and in a tremendous amount of pain.

The pain lasted for a long time.

To say I didn't deal with it in a healthy way is an extreme understatement.

I was lost and tried to do anything and everything I could to find myself and fill the hole I had in my chest. I seeked companionship form all the wrong people. I lowered myself because I felt that I wasn't worthy of anything special. My self esteem was non existent.

And now, almost ten years later, I am a better person.

That sounds off. "I am a better person because of this horrible thing the that happened to me".

I wouldn't say that I am thankful for the situation. But I am thankful for the things that have come out of it.

Over the past few months, the pain has slowly crept back in. I have let it effect me in more ways than I would like to admit. I slowly felt myself crawling back into the dark hole. And if you have ever been in a dark hole, you know the fear I felt. The fear of complete darkness. When I wasn't crying, I was completely numb. I can't really explain why, because I don't know why.

My anxiety was and still is running extremely high.

I have two beautiful children, and an amazing husband. So why was I feeling this way?

I immediately called my doctor to up my depression medications. I didn't want my depression to effect me being a good mother, or a good wife.

I contemplated getting weight loss surgery AGAIN. For the THIRD time.

And then I ask myself "What is so wrong in your head that you have failed two, what is supposed to be life changing surgeries?" I can't find the answer. The emotional connection that I have with food is indescribable. I love food more than I love myself. How is that okay? I am supposed to love myself more than anything (besides my children). Every thought process that I have in my head revolves around food. I think about it from the moment I wake up, until the moment I go to sleep. I can seriously eat my weight in Nutty Bars, and I think I've made that a challenge for myself. I will get a whole box, like the jumbo box, and eat them all within a day to two days. I don't even want to know how many calories are in those things. While eating, I get the absolute biggest high. And then after, I go back to hating myself. And thinking of how disgusting and weak I am. Which resorts to eating again, it is a never. ending. cycle.

I know what I need to do to correct it, at least I think I do.

I know what I NEED to eat. But eating healthy, makes me just as depressed as being fat.

And I know I know, choose your hard.

But its not that simple. And let me tell you why.

Last week I chose to do something that I brushed off so many times in the past, because I thought that I didn't need it, or that it wouldn't help me.

I went to counselor.

I felt that maybe if I go talk to someone, someone who didn't know me. Who didn't have any bias against me, who wouldn't judge what I was feeling or had been through because chances are they have heard way worse.

I told her my whole story. I told her things I have NEVER said out loud before.

After hearing my story and my thoughts about my weight, and weight loss surgery.

She said to me that no amount of weight loss surgery will help me because I have a binge eating disorder.

I knew what I was doing was eating a lot, all the time. I knew that I was unhealthy both physically and mentally. And I knew that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't sort through my feelings by myself any more. But, a binge eating disorder never crossed my mind.

After voicing my thoughts that I have held onto for almost ten years, I feel relief.

Like this heavy burden has been lifted off of me, I can breathe.

Can you imagine feeling like your drowning for years?

I can never get those years back.

But, I can learn from them.

On my very first session I felt change.

I haven't binged as much, it feels like barely at all.

(I did eat a whole box of nutty bars the other day, but we won't talk about that.)

Every day I am feeling like food is just food.

My usual go to foods, don't sound good to me any more.

All I can do from here is move forward.

I can't let what someone did to me effect me in an unhealthy way any more.

I live with it every day, its not going to go away.

But I need to learn to live with it in a different way, because this way isn't doing me any favors.

Sometimes the shame that I feel is so overwhelming.

Shame about myself, about my past, and about what has happened to me that I had ZERO control over.

I feel like part of letting go of my shame is to talk about it. (Or write)

Because I can't be ashamed any more.

This is my story, and I get to decide how the rest is written.

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.

Cray.

noreply@blogger.com (Kaela @kflabuloustofabulous) — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 23:01:00 +0000

I can not believe that it has been over a year since I last blogged.

I have thought about it time and time again, after having Hudson, I felt like I became sorta boring.
I still feel I am boring, but some exciting things do happen occasionally.

When I blogged before getting pregnant, I truly felt that it kept me accountable with my weightloss. So this post (hopefully) will push me into staying accountable again.

Since it has been a whole year, a lot has happened. Let me fill you in.

In November I received the Gastric Sleeve, again. My first sleeve had developed a pouch, which led to me being able to eat more. Almost to where I used to be able to eat. I had felt like a complete failure, but it was a relief to know that the fault wasn't all mine.

It was a huge slap in the face knowing that I let myself get back up so high in weight. My starting weight when I received the surgery, for the second time was 293. 24 lbs away from my highest weight.

Life happened. A kid happened.

I went to my dark poor pitiful me phase. I hated taking pictures. I hated looking at myself. The feeling of failure isn't a pleasant one. Especially when you go through such a dramatic life altering surgery, only to fail.

So, being the instant gratification person that I am, surgery again, seemed like the best option.

Pre-surgery. I don't know how much before surgery this was. Maybe a litter over a month?

I don't have one standing up to show a better example. I mean sitting down just kinda molts all of your fat together.. Sitting down and being fat, do not mix.

I feel like this is an accurate impression.

This was taken a little less than a month after surgery.

I felt so much better, I felt like I could actually take pictures and not feel so terrible about myself. I had more energy. I was excited about losing weight again.

Hudson turned the big ONE in January.

I know, he is literally the most handsome little guy. EVER.

He is definitely an adventure, and test our patience every single day. I've never met a more perfect little boy. Perfect balance of sweet and sour. Our little sour patch kid.

ANNNNDDD THENNN.......

This happened. TOTALLY unplanned, obviously.

Two months after having yet another weight loss surgery, and boom. HELLO weight gain.

I was in absolute shock. And when they say all it takes is one time, they mean it.

Here we were with a barely one year old, just getting the hang of having a toddler, only to start over with anotherr!

We slowly got excited, and then we found out our little one is gonna be a girl, and that was the greatest feeling in the world. Our little family is complete, for now at least.

Now, back to the weight gain.

I am deathly afraid that at every appointment, I am going to step on the scale and be back up to 293 lbs.

I started out the exact same weight as when I was pregnant with Hudson.

269. I gained about 25-30 lbs while pregnant with Hudson.

I was pretty much expecting the same thing with Ava.

Luckily, I did not gain any weight until my 24 week appointment. And by then, I had only gained 5 lbs.

I am currently 34 weeks and have gained about 11-13 lbs.

I am extremely happy with that.

Even though I look way bigger, I look about like I did when I was 40 weeks pregnant with Hudson.

I am ready to have this little girl and continue with my lifestyle change.

I am ready to start blogging again, and sharing my boring, but sometimes exciting life.

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.

Getting over that hill.

noreply@blogger.com (Kaela @kflabuloustofabulous) — Thu, 13 Aug 2015 20:13:00 +0000

The same ole' song and dance. Losing weight is hard. Always. No matter how you look at it.

"Just do it."

Oh okay, well since you put it that way, that makes it easy, right?

Its easier said than done.

You know that.

When you've never struggled with a food addiction, you don't know how hard it is. I wish that I could just pull up my big girl panties and deal with it.

But, the reality of it all, what is the reality?

That I have to completely change the way that I have lived for 24 years. Yes, I've done it before. But, when you stop, its so much harder to get going again. Just like with running up a hill. You push through it, but if you stop, its so much hard to get started again.

I fell down to the bottom. The bottom of the longest steepest hill imaginable. 24 years of "learning" whether it was the right way to learn, or the wrong, its still hard to teach an old dog new tricks. When you've walked the same path all this time, taking a different turn isn't something you can "just do". My path is safe, figuratively. Not the healthiest, but it is my safe place.

I don't like to try new things. I have pallet that of a toddler. I hate veggies and fruits. I could eat Chik-fil-a every day of my life. And there are weeks that I have. Some days I get the healthy bug, but then I just go through a drive thru, like I completely forgot that I am supposed to be eating healthy. Its the norm. I have to break the norm. How do you do that? I feel like I have tried everything. Hell, I even tried surgery. And that failed. When you constantly fail at everything you do to change yourself, how do you fix it? I know what needs to be done, I know how to eat, I know what to eat. But I haven't the faintest clue on how to start again. I want to just get it together. I want to get my whole life together. It starts with me. I want to get over this hill. I want to do everything I can to become healthy. But, do I? I love myself, but I hate my body. I want to be able to be walk through a crowd and not rub up on someone with my belly. I want to not feel disgusting. I want to try again. For the millionth time, I want to try again. And to keep it going. I want to find the strength and willpower. How do you find it when you feel like you've never had it?

You, "Just do it".

And on that note, I bid you adieu.

Letting go.(Not the frozen addition)

noreply@blogger.com (Kaela @kflabuloustofabulous) — Wed, 06 May 2015 19:13:00 +0000

I have numerous fears. A lot of irrational fears. Especially since having Hudson.
I guess they can be called "Mommy Fears"
The other fears consist of dying, the death of a close one, and roaches.
I am pretty sure that I have already discussed fears before. I am too lazy to go back.
I realized the other day, I have another fear.
The fear of being Hungry.
I went to a Bariatric Counselor last week. We discussed my bariatric diet, well lack there of.
During this conversation she gave me a list of things that I should eat.
And that I should eat 5-6 times a day.
I asked, "What if I'm still hungry?"
She gave me a look and said, "And? What if you are, what is it to be hungry?"
For a fat person? Everything. It's like a painful emptiness.
Empty.
Then she told me the worst possible thing.
"You do not eat to satisfy hunger, you eat for nutrition."
Yeah, I know. Crazy thing I have ever heard too.
For 24 years, I have eaten to satisfy everything and anything.
I eat to satisfy hunger. I eat to satisfy anger, sadness, happiness, loneliness.. really all the ness'.

That news to me, is devastating.
I don't know how to eat for nutrition.
One part of my brain knows how, the other doesn't
Why can't they just be friends?
I know how to eat to satisfy the hunger.
In fact, I go one step further. I eat to over fill.

Why? I wish I knew. I wish I knew why.

And more than anything, I wish that I could change it over night.

I truly believe that food addiction is the worst addiction.
You need food to survive.
I love food. Next to my family and friends, food is my favorite.
Its my hobby.

Crafting and eating.

I want to know how to eat for nutrition. I need the push. I need to try.
I need to try for me and for my son.

I will try.

I want the feelings and drive I had last year.

Every day is a new day. Lets begin again.

I am letting go. Starting now.

And I'm closing it.

And on that note, I bid you adieu.

Why God gave us a boy.

noreply@blogger.com (Kaela @kflabuloustofabulous) — Tue, 14 Oct 2014 21:42:00 +0000

I can't tell you how many times I have attempted to write this post.
I get in the middle of writing, something comes up, I stop, come back the next day. After re-reading what I had wrote, I delete it. It's a new day. I have umpteen new feelings.
One consistent feeling that I have been having over the past few weeks, is worry.
An instance happened, not in my life, but in an others, that really made me think.
ANYTHING can happen. It doesn't matter who, what, where, when or how, it can happen. I took it very personally, given the situation I am in.
This is the single most stressful thing I have ever gone through.
Growing a human is like something I could've never imagined.
I come up with all sorts of scenarios in my head. I won't share them, because I am sure someone would report me to the psych ward.
I worry that I don't feel him enough. I worry if I have a growing pain. I worry that I am leaking fluid. I worry that the cord is going to wrap around his neck. I worry every possible worry there is to worry about while pregnant.
When I was younger, people would ask "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Well, I honestly never knew. I came up with sonography. Why? Because one day, after I had surgery on my foot? Maybe? A lady had told me that her daughter had went to school for that. I think I was ten. After that day, I just rolled with it. I never WANTED to do it, it just sounded good. Then it became, a nurse, a day care owner, back to nurse, then teacher.
The one thing that I have ALWAYS, for certain, known is that I wanted to be a Mom.
That is truly all I have ever wanted. I wanted a girl. I wanted that bond that my mother and I have. I wanted to share that with a mini me. I wanted to show that little girl, all the love in the whole world. Teach her to be strong, teach her how to love without boundaries, teach her how to be independant. All my life, it has been my mother and I. My mother and father didn't get a divorce until I was about 9-10ish. Even then, he was never around. He was at work, and when he wasn't there, he was sleeping.
After everything happened with him, I felt that I was better off.
After looking back at my childhood, I realized that my mom, was in fact, my mother and my father. She was what held me. She supported me, in every way. I think that has made me the woman that I am today. I didn't NEED my father. I didn't NEED a man to support me. For the longest time, I would always think, if I had a baby right now, I would raise her on my own. Because you don't NEED a father figure. Because I didn't NEED my father, he wasn't there for me. My MOTHER taught me.
I honestly never thought I would get married. I don't know why. Just never did.
Now that I have grown up, I see things in a different light.
Up until last year, I wanted a girl. More than anything.
And then, Sara had Kynlee.
My heart changed. I was supposed to have the girl, she the boy. And they were supposed to get married.
Now, that would be considered incest.
I don't know why my heart changed.
But, I do know this.
God gave me this boy.
To raise him into a man. A man that will know right from wrong.
That will be a gentleman.
That will take care of all of those who enter his life.
To never hurt nor neglect his family.
To love without boundaries.
To put others first.
To be just like HIS daddy.
The way a man is supposed to be.

He's not even here yet, and the love I have for him, is greater than anything I have ever felt.
Every ache is worth it.
Every kick, every flutter, every other weird feeling I have in my stomach, is the greatest feeling.
I am who he counts on. From 24 weeks ago, for the rest of my life.

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.

Something I haven't done in a while.

noreply@blogger.com (Kaela @kflabuloustofabulous) — Fri, 05 Sep 2014 17:59:00 +0000

I don't even remember the last time I blogged. I suppose I could go back and look, but who has time for that? Blogging used to be something that I look forward to everyday. And now, I look forward to it in several months. I miss it. But, I feel as if I have nothing to talk about any more. I'm not out there trying to lose weight. People want to see progress, the only progress I have to give is about the baby in the belly. Which to me, is FANTASTIC.

I have lost about 20 plus (?) followers on instagram since becoming pregnant. I get it, people want someone they can relate to. Well, I would like to brand those people "fair weather followers". Hey, if you don't want to see how amazing my child is going to be, get to stepping. :)

Which brings us to some updates.

I think last time I had let everyone know that I had a cyst, and the doctor was monitoring me at every appointment to make sure it didn't grow.

At my last appointment, the cyst went from a whopping 10 cm to a slightly smaller 8 cm. We of course are all very pleased with this. Hopefully next time, it will be even less.

At this particular appointment, the 3 lovely great grandmothers came. We had planned out to have a gender reveal, and those 3 were the ones that were going to find out. Don't even get me started on those 3. Those three are the most amazing women on this planet. (Besides the moms). They do anything and everything for us, and have gone above and BEYOND anything we could ever imagine these past couple of months. I am FOREVER grateful for them. Baby Holland has no clue how loved he is going to be.

ANYWHO, back to the appointment. The doc pulled the sono screen away from Dayton and I, she searched for a little bit, and then said. "I won't be able to tell what the baby is today. It's knees are up, legs crossed, and it's sitting on it's feet". I was absolutely divested. For a number of reasons.

1. We had already sent invitations. (Luckily it was also "reception" for us as well)

2. I didn't get to see my baby but for maybe 10 seconds? Heard the heartbeat for 5. I had waited five weeks for this appointment. I was ready to marvel at the beautiful creation that was growing in my belly.

3. I felt like the doc didn't try. Like it wasn't important to her. Maybe she was in a hurry, I work with docs, I know how they can be.

4. I discovered my child is a turd.

5. My next appointment would be in FIVE more weeks. The doc had something to do the week I was set to come back, so we had to push it to the next week. That probable killed me the most.

So we leave, I cry and cry all damn day.

The next day while, I called and asked Dayton if we could please get another sonogram somewhere else. Because, lets face it, I am a brat. (Only Child Syndrome)

He finally says yes.

I arrive first, and get ready.

The lady places the machine on my belly and BAM. She knows what the turd is. She waits to tell me until Dayton arrives.

It was the hardest less than a week of my life. We kept the surprise to ourselves. No one knew we even had a sono. It was almost crippling not to be able to tell anyone. My best friend was like lets just go do another sono, I had to be like no no... YUP, didn't even tell my BEST friend. My granny texts me right after the sono, "Are you okay Darling?" The Darling got me. I wanted to pick up the phone immediately and be like OMG ITS A......

But, I refrained. I am super proud of myself.

We did the reception as planned.

At the very end, we opened presents. As I was opening the last present, I asked for everyones attention. Gave my big ol' lovely speech. And popped open the box.

Out came...

WE ARE HAVING A BOY!!!!!!!!!!!

And couldn't be any happier about it!

It's a good thing too, cuz I had already bought boy stuff, long before we knew.

This was how ecstatic my Granny was. I LOVE this.

This baby boy is going to be the most loved baby boy in the whole world.

Nothing in this world makes me happier than knowing I have this little guy to look forward too. He moves constantly, I feel his little kicks throughout the day, and it makes me complete.

I can't imagine the feeling that I will get when he is born. But, I know that nothing can ever touch it. He is our first, our boy, and the greatest thing to ever happen to us.

I am surprised that I am actually getting a "bump".

I am 18 weeks. Starts a new week every Tuesday. ALMOST half way there!

I have fluctuated with weight. On my worst day, I have gained 5 lbs. But, mostly it has just been 2. I am extremely happy with that.

With all the emotions I have, it is hard not to be down on myself. I know I am growing a human in my belly, I will gain weight. Its inevitable. Most of it is in my head. I feel huge.

But, I know its for a good cause.

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.

Reflection.

noreply@blogger.com (Kaela @kflabuloustofabulous) — Wed, 02 Jul 2014 18:54:00 +0000

It's clearly no surprise that I haven't been here in a while. Of course I have thought about it, blogging had become such a big part in my life. And now, just 9 ~~short~~ weeks ago, my life changed from losing weight, to trying to maintain my weight with a baby inside of me. I have done that, I haven't gained any weight. When I was going on my crazy emotional kick, I put on about 5 lbs. But since those 5 lbs, I have been holding steady. I am hoping that 300 doesn't happen.

I guess I can update you on how I feel.

I am nauseated. EVERY second of EVERY day. I don't throw up. I have never been one to throw up. My body will feel like it, but then I guess it changes its mind. I get tired occasionally. Like any normal person. Other than those two things, I feel amazing. I am happy. Like I was meant to do this whole pregnancy thing. I for sure thought I was going to be an emotional wreck, and who knows, I still could be. I mean I cry at country songs, but that's just because they make me think about how much I love Dayton. So other than crying over country tunes, I have felt great. I don't get as agitated like I used to. Which, if you know me, you know that I freaking lose it half the time. Between mine and Dayton's anxiety, this kid is doomed.

Week 3 and Week 9

No difference, I don't think at least.

I am obsessed with looking up plus size pregnancy pictures.

Some people will post pictures of them at 6 weeks.

Uhm, you are about 300 lbs, your little blueberry is not gonna make you show at 6 weeks.

Speaking of a little blueberry.

This is Doodle Holland.

The sonogram was on 6/16/2014

When I was 7 weeks.

Heartbeat was about 160-170. We weren't able to hear it, but we could sure see that sucker go.

At the appointment, we found out that I have a cyst on my right ovary.

She said the norm is about 3 cm. Mine is 10.

She wasn't too concerned about it, so I am trying not to be either. She said that usually when the placenta grows more, it will lean on the cyst and pop it. When I told her that I wasn't in pain, she was very surprised. She wants to keep an eye on it, so I go back on the 14th, and get another sono. Until we figure out whats up, no heavy lifting, extraneous activities or working out.

Now, time for my reflection.

Two years ago, on July 10th? Maybe.

Was my Gastric Sleeve surgery. It feels like it has been years. I got a little emotional thinking about it. That surgery was supposed to change my life forever. And like everything else, I prevented it from happening. Why? Because I have an addiction. Food makes me feel every emotion under the sun. I hate that I failed myself. Yes, I did go a long way. 75 lbs is a HUGE loss. But, as they always say, comparison will be the death of you. One of my closest friends got the surgery. And she still looks amazing. I had more to lose than her, but she kicked fats ass. She even had a baby, and is still rocking it. And I'm over here, being all fat. I don't doubt that the surgery changed my life. It gave me confidence. Confidence I never knew could exist. I became a different person. A stronger version of myself. I wish that I would have let myself continue on the path that I was going on. I ate right, I ate the amount that I should. And then I just stopped. For no reason at all. Maybe subconsciously I thought I've come this far, I'll continue to lose it. I still didn't eat a lot. But, I didn't realize it was what I was eating that was getting me. I also started going out more, and drinking a lot. Empty calories. I believe that all of that contributed to my failure. I say I would do it again in a heartbeat, because I would. BUT, I would get that counseling that I was warned about. You can take the girl out of the fat, but you can't take the fat out of the girl. I believe being fat is 100% emotional for me. I can work my ass off, I've done it a million times, but, its the before and after work outs. I hear so many people say, "oh, you wont want to eat bad after you work out". Lies. I want to eat bad even when I don't want to eat bad. It's a fall back. I feel like I will miss out on food. Like that food will never be made again, and it is my absolute last chance to ever eat it. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I am telling you, that is how I feel. My mind is completely altered. I pray that after this baby, that I will be able to get back on track, to eat right, and get to my healthy point. I don't want my child growing up with the same issues that I have had since I can remember. Lead by example. I can't expect for my child to be healthy and not get fat, when I am fat and not healthy. It is going to be an even longer process now, and I THINK I am ready for it.

I am going to focus on my pregnancy, and then after, being a #fitmom.

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.

Not so Weigh-in Wednesday

noreply@blogger.com (Kaela @kflabuloustofabulous) — Wed, 11 Jun 2014 14:05:00 +0000

Obviously I am not going to do weigh-in Wednesdays any more. I would prefer not to torture myself while I am already an emotional wreck. I have been thinking of new things. My blog is taking a turning point. It will no longer be about ME and my weightloss journey. For the time being, it's about little doodle, and what I can do to keep US healthy, what cool things I can find on pinterest, and me dreaming of the day I find out what 'it' is. We desperately want a boy. I used to only want girls. The bond that my mom and I share is something special. I wanted that first, I wanted for my daughter to know how that feels. Of course, I still want that. I just want it after my boy. :) Two of my SILs would like for it to be a girl. Which would be amazingly cute. Each one of them have a girl, Queen Abee and Princess Kynlee. The babies will have almost the same age difference, about 15 months. Abee being the oldest. So you can imagine how precious all the matching will be. BUT, I still want a boy.

Back to the blog. I want to re-vamp that whole thing. Re-name and re-focus.After the baby is born, I want to of course get back on track, I will have more to lose (hopefully not that much more). Doodle will of course make a daily appearance. I want it to be focused on a wife, a mother, and the weightloss.

Now that Hubby Jack has hung up his hat, I will have to find a new blog designer. Or maybe do it myself. Hopefully it won't be too too ghetto ;)

I am not sure when this is going to happen, but, when you see a new name, just know it's still me. Just added focuses..

There is a possibility that doodle could be twins. It runs in the family. When my aunt was pregnant the first time, it was twins. She unfortunately lost them. When my mother went in for a procedure, she had two eggs, which would have turned into twins.

I am hoping that it will skip a generation. But, you never know. One of my closest friends is having twins. She is super excited.

I would just be in a huge state of shock for about 8 months.

My very first appointment is Monday. We will know if there is one or two, and just how far I actually am. Fingers crossed its further than what I think I am. :)

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.

Life Changing Events.

noreply@blogger.com (Kaela @kflabuloustofabulous) — Tue, 10 Jun 2014 14:39:00 +0000

So much has happened in the past three weeks. I'm talking life changing events.

You already know about my engagement. Well, shortly after the ring came in the picture, and I mean VERY shortly after, something amazing happened. My last few blogs have been a little, I guess you would call it, "emotional". And I was feeling every bit of it, every day. Crying for no reason, just getting upset at the stupidest things. I am a pretty emotional person, but not THAT emotional. I knew something was up. And then, I started to cramp about a week before Aunt Flo was scheduled to come around. I do not cramp before. The day of, throughout, and then it stops. So, another strange thing happening. There are a few other things, but I don't want to gross anyone out.

I decided to take a test. If you know me, I am a VERY impatient person. I do not like to wait. I took a test, WAYYY to early, nothing. The next day, STILL early, I take another one.

This comes out. I know what you're thinking, uhmm theres nothing there. Well, if you take out your magnifying glass, put on your contacts, your glasses, find your monocle, and squint really hard, you will see that there is the faintest little pink line, right next to the darker one.

I honestly thought it was my eyes playing tricks on me. That they were mirroring the darker line. I ran and woke Dayton up. He of course, didn't believe that it was possible. I had to show him (on the Internet of course) that a faint line, is in fact a positive. I literally took a test EVERY day until Flo was supposed to come in. And, every day, the line got darker and darker.

6-7 tests later, after this big ol' fat positive, we were pretty sure. I had already been looking up plus size pregnancies. Because of course I am worried about my weight. What it can do to me, and the baby. I know the risks.

As you all know, I wanted to drop my weight before I got pregnant. I didn't want to be this huge pregnant girl, where you can't even tell I'm 7 months pregnant. I wanted the cute little belly bump. But, as everyone knows. God works in mysterious ways. He decided that Dayton and I needed little doodle in our lives. I couldn't be happier. Yes, I would prefer to be about 70 lbs lighter. All I can do, is focus on not putting on a ton of weight. And when doodle arrives, I can focus on getting the "Baby Weight" off, and THEN some.

It's absolutely crazy how things work out. I get engaged, and find out that we are having a baby all in the same week.

After discussing our options, and one full day of me looking up wedding venues for next year, we decided that the JP would be the best option for us. Spending $10,000 or more that we don't have, on a wedding, just didn't seem logical.

I would much rather spend the money on our baby.

We got our marriage license last Monday, and set up to be married for the following Monday. We didn't get married because of the baby, we just pushed it, because of the baby. It makes sense to us. We both agreed that having the same last name on everything, would just make our lives easier. I didn't want to stress about anything. I just want a smooth pregnancy.

Plus, I get to marry my best friend.

We are starting a family. Having a REAL baby, not just a fur baby. They are being super sweet lately. Ace is cuddling a lot more, I wonder if he senses changes?

Monday, June 9, 2014 at 1:00 PM, we got married.

It was very simple. Just the family was there.

We took pictures, talked, and then had the "ceremony".

The JP asked if we would prefer the short version or the long. I chose the long. My Grandpa wanted to hear us, when they got married at the JP, they chose the short version. In the short version, you don't exchange rings or anything.

After we said our goodbyes to everyone, we took a stroll downstairs to the clerks office to get our license.

They. Freaking. Lost. It.

I have been married for 5 seconds, and you lose the most important thing?!?

I had to sit down, I didn't want to go all cray on them in a courthouse..

They figured out what had happened. They gave it to some boy who had just gotten his birth certificate. Now, how you confuse an envelope that CLEARLY states "Marriage License", with WEDDING bells on it, I will never know. Luckily, the boy was still there.

We then proceeded to the SS office to change my name. The boy was also there.

We went to the DPS to get my drivers license changed as well. The boy was also there.

The first 'selfie' as Husband and Wife.

After running all of our errands, we went to Dickey's BBQ to eat. I know. Classiest wedding EVER.

It may not have been the "Ideal" thing to do, but, it was perfect to me.

And we ended that perfect night with a Rangers Game.

Even though they lost, MISERABLY, I still had a blast.

The crowd was amped, it just felt like so much positive energy everywhere.

Now, I am a wife and soon to be mother.

There is nothing in this world that I would rather be. There is no place in the world that I would rather be. I have found the one whom my soul loves.

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.

That one time I got ENGAGED.

noreply@blogger.com (Kaela @kflabuloustofabulous) — Tue, 27 May 2014 14:31:00 +0000

I had an extremely eventful weekend.

I got ENGAGED!!! Whoop whoop. I seriously thought this would never happen. I mention it all the time, and the only reply is "Nice weather we are having".

Let me break it down for you.

On Saturday, Dayton brought up going to Botanical Gardens. I was like okay.. Not that I minded to go, just a little odd. When we got there, we walked around and went into the Japanese Gardens. It was really pretty, but kinda busy. We sat on a bench and watched the Coy fish swim around and fight over dog food. We walked around a little more. It was a little warm, so I was getting super pissy. About the time I was ready to leave, Dayton wanted to get our picture taken. It took him forever to get a spot, so that made me more pissy. Then we finally found a nice older couple to take our picture. As we are posing, the old man says "This lighting is not good, it's dark and you can't see anything." My thoughts were, "Hey, old man, this is my picture, if I want it dark, it can be dark." So they led us to another spot. This time, it was too bright. Went to another spot. We took a couple of pictures, and then Dayton turns to me.

He got down on one knee.

"What are you doing?"

Then he goes on with his speech. I am bawling my eyes out. All I want him to do is stand up so I can hug him.

The old man got pictures of the whole thing.

I am so extremely grateful. Now we have those memories documented forever.

The ring is EXACTLY what I wanted. It is absolutely perfect.

We already have a date set.

I have never wanted anything more, than to be married and start a family with this man.

My family is ecstatic. They all love Dayton so much.

This year and a half has been the happiest time of my life.

My life is completely, complete. :)

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.

I'm opting out.

noreply@blogger.com (Kaela @kflabuloustofabulous) — Wed, 21 May 2014 18:22:00 +0000

Everyone knows what today is, BUT I chose to opt out. No, I didn't gain. I have just been bloated for the past week. I am giving myself permission to opt out of one weigh-in per month. I think you ladies can agree with that one. I have set my alarm for 5 am for the past two days. I am wanting to do 2-a-days. I have yet to be successful. But setting my alarm is the first step, right?? I plan on doing it again tonight. And going to bed even earlier than last night. It comes to the point to where I just need to MAKE myself get up. A wise young lady once told me to put my Big girl panties on. I am going to do just that. Aubrey @ ALG Uninterrupted always says to trust the process. I need to start listening to her. Afterall, these women kick some serious ass, so they kinda know what they are talking about.

I have been on a pity party for about a week now. I need to get over it. I WILL get over it. Y'all all want progress, and obviously so do I. So, I plan on giving you some. Because, I'm just a giver like that. :)

Oh, in exactly 16 days, it will be my BIRTHDAY!!

I know, I know, best day of everyones life. You're welcome.

Oddly like every dance gif out there is T-swift..

Anyways, I will be 23. I imagined myself in a much different place at this age. Life doesn't go quite like we planned. And thats okay sometimes. When I was little, I wasn't like most kids. I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. I still don't know what I want to be. I see people I graduated with, already graduating College, a lot of them with their bachelors. One of my very best friends is almost done with her Masters. That's so insane! And I'm still trying to find me. I think one of the harshest things about growing up, is letting go of the life you've planned and excepting the life that is meant for you. I still get all depressed when I think about the fact that I have been graduated for 5 whole years now, and haven't accomplished anything academic wise. I am still in school, five years later. Mostly goofing off. But, I have a great job. My mom doesn't support me. I pay my bills. I own my car. Bleh. All of these things sound just AWFUL. Being an adult sucks. I have worked since I turned 16. Everything I have, I've earned. I am SUPER proud of that. Sometimes I struggle. Actually lets be honest, most of the time I struggle. But, I feel like it makes me appreciate things more. If everything had been handed to me when I was younger, I don't think I would be the same person I am today. I don't expect anything from anyone. I can be a brat. BUT, who isn't sometimes. I feel like I was raised the right way. I don't take things for granted. I may throw a little tantrum if I don't get what I want, but it only lasts for a minute.

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.

#thestruggleisreal

noreply@blogger.com (Kaela @kflabuloustofabulous) — Mon, 19 May 2014 18:05:00 +0000

There are days when I think that I feel like my goals are absolutely unattainable. There are days that its so bad, that I think, What's the point? Most of the time I convince myself that I am right. Every day is a struggle. Every. Freaking. Day. I don't ever imagine myself at my goal. Most of the time I look at the flat tummies and think, "Well, I will never look like that, so what IS the point?" And in reality, I won't ever look like that. I will have my loose skin. I will have stretchmarks. I question whether I will ever be comfortable in my own skin. I remember a time where I was, not too long ago. But, I forget that feeling. I forget how happy I was with my body. That it kept changing. I feel for every step forward, I take 5 steps backward. I hate that I can't get my shit under control. A huge factor that makes me think this, is because of how low my belly is. I can lose weight under the boobs ALL day long. But my lower belly doesn't budge. I HATE it, it makes me hate myself sometimes. When I was at my lowest weight, I was only 2 sizes smaller in pants. At an 70-80 lbs loss. Most people, when they lose that much weight, they lose about 4 sizes. I could wear an XL comfortably. I can still where an XL, just not AS loose. It would fit loose at the top, and just right on my belly. It's embarrassing. Not only for how it looks, but that I let myself get to this point. What in our lives goes so wrong that you just keep digging that hole? Until you're stuffed so tightly, that you can't move. You either slowly wiggle your way out, or you continue to bury yourself. Lately I have been feeling that the dirt is up to my mouth. Like I am suffocating. I'm suffocating with all of my negative thoughts towards myself. Suffocating with all of the stresses that come with it. I have felt emotionally defeated this past week. The littlest things have set me off into a crying fest. I am so tired of being dependent on food. I am so tired of letting food defeat me. It's like I get lost, and I don't know how to find my way back. And then when I do, I feel like I've strayed too far off path. And ugh, theres that hole again.

I know that it is possible to lose weight. I see it every day. I see it in such inspiring people. The crazy thing is, I've done it. But, I had a crutch. Of course, it wasn't mentally easy. But the weight fell off. Now that it doesn't, it messes with me. I want it more than anything. But then again, why don't I DO it. I am the only person that is stopping myself. I am the only one who can make my ass move. So, why? Why am I not moving my ass? Why am I not pushing through those cravings. It's not the end of the world if I don't get a piece of chocolate. So why do I FEEL like it is? WHY WHY WHY?

I have wasted many second chances. WAYYYY too many. It's starts with today, and it starts with me. I need to push with everything in me.

I need to remind myself every day, what I want the most. There is nothing to be afraid of. I will get there, I will push through all of my own negativity.

And this is what happened Friday. I LOVE it.

Just remember.

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.

A Gain and a Loss

noreply@blogger.com (Kaela @kflabuloustofabulous) — Wed, 14 May 2014 15:55:00 +0000

So, over the weekend, I indulged in whatever the hell I wanted. And it came at a price.

A Whopping 7 lb price.

S-E-V-E-N.

There are seven days in a week, there shouldn't be seven lbs to be gained in a weekends time.

#youfatbitch

I will say, I think most of that was salts and cokes. There isn't an excuse for it, except that it was freaking Delicious.

My DietBet started Monday. I always made goals this week. And I have stuck by them. I have drank at least a gallon of water each day. Which brings me to my next point.

That beautiful beautiful water helped me drop 6 lbs.

"It's just water weight"

Well, negative Nancy, it's STILL weight.

So I am 265! Only one lb more than last week. I will take it. No complaints what-so-ever.

SW: 275

CW: 265

GW: 199

I changed my goal weight to 199. Just because my blog BFF, Jasmine @ Fleurty and Fit, Wrote a wonderful blog about 80's. She hit that 189 mark, get it? Well being a 90's baby, I want to do that. I think it's such a fun idea. Go check it out, HERE.

So, I now have 66 more lbs to go. It's gonna happen.

However long it takes, it'll happen.

This week I am feeling so sluggish. I don't know what it is. I have a lot of emotions going through me. I am letting words of certain people affect me, when I shouldn't. I am letting a lot of hate build up. Which weighs me down tremendously. It's not so easy to walk away when you kinda... can't. All I can do is focus on our happiness. And do everything I can to keep us there.

I have some ideas that I want to mess with. I think that will be my weekend. There are alot of things that I want to do. Most of it involving crafting.

Also, there is a big surprise coming. No one knows about. Except for like 2 people. Everyone will know on Friday.

Just have to keep reminding myself how far I've gone.

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.

Generic Weekend Post.

noreply@blogger.com (Kaela @kflabuloustofabulous) — Mon, 12 May 2014 14:12:00 +0000

So, real talk. My weekend gave me some poundage. I lost all control. If it was food, I ate it. I made food my freakin' bitch this weekend.

Gah, why is food so good? It's seriously all a blur. I couldn't tell you what I ate. I know there was some nachos and some cookie cake.

DietBet starts TODAY. $225 in the pot! There's some motivation!

I got the cutest lunch box. I am going to start bringing my lunch this week. I have set small goals.

1. Drink AT LEAST a gallon of water a day.

2. Stick with my 1200-1400 Calorie intake.

3. Workout 4-5 times a week.

4. No Sweet tea. I hate empty calories. I feel like that is where I pack on a lot of my weight.

This is legit. "Kaela, what do you want to do today?" "Uhmmm Eat?"

If only losing weight was as easy as gaining it. It seems like everything revolves around food. FOOD FOOD FOOD. Every holiday. Any get together. You can't even go to the movies without food. I know that it's up to me to choose the better choice. It's just so hard when this bitch is over here eating cheese fries, and I'm all like, uhh chicken and broccoli please. ( You know who you are ;) )

It all stems back to willpower and self control. Which I am HIGHLY lacking in.

Food is the devil. If I could live off of protein shakes, I would. But, I hate them, and liquid never gets me full. Or at least, I make myself think that.

Just have to get on the ball. I am hoping I can make a purchase on Friday that will give me a little push! We shall see.

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.

Misery Loves Company.

noreply@blogger.com (Kaela @kflabuloustofabulous) — Thu, 08 May 2014 18:04:00 +0000

There have been times where I have just been rock bottom sad. Where I think the world is over, I can't go on any longer. Yada Yada Yada. There has NEVER been a time, where I have put my hurt and my misery onto someone else.

1.) Why feel the need to bring others down? Just because you are a miserable basket case, doesn't mean everyone around you would like to join you.

2.) Others people's happiness actually makes me happy. Crazy right?

3.) Being miserable with yourself, is most likely YOUR fault. Don't punish everyone else around you.

Number one reason why I am not miserable.

This man has lifted me up and made me the happiest lady in the world. He is just right for me, and I him. We RARELY fight. And contrary to popular belief, we actually make decisions TOGETHER. I do not keep him from anything. I do not control him. We want the same things. We share common interests ( Most of the time). We support OURSELVES. Next month marks us being together for 1 1/2 years. No kids yet. I'd say that's #winning. He understands my crazy moments. You know the "Oh my god, Why didn't you tell me I was fat today?!?!". He doesn't judge the stupid things I say. And trust me, there are some doozies.

Told ya.

I had a huge long post written out.

One thing that REALLY bothers me, is when someone questions my character. If you haven't taken the time to get to know me, then don't take the time to ASSume. I guess I expected people I don't know to be negative towards my blog, not people that surround me.

But, it is MY blog. MY thoughts.

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.

You know the Drill.

noreply@blogger.com (Kaela @kflabuloustofabulous) — Wed, 07 May 2014 14:37:00 +0000

Tada. Today is, yet again,

Like last week, I have gone no where. But hey, as long as I don't gain, I am not going to beat myself up about it. The DietBet starts next week, so I am definitely going to kick it into high gear.

Everyone join!!! It'll be fun! There is $50 in pot so far. We need more!!!

http://www.dietbetter.com/games/43324

64 more pounds. 64 more pounds and I get to decide what I want to do. This thought has been weighing on my mind the past couple of days. As you know, once I hit the 200 lb mark, I am able to have skin removal surgery. After the surgery, I have to wait at least a year to have a baby. I don't know how long it will take me to lose 64 more lbs. And I certainly don't know if we will be ready to have a baby. Just thinking outloud. (Don't freak out family). I am trying to decide what I want more in life. A flat tummy, for a year, or a family and then a flat tummy. I guess it really just all depends on how things turn out. Only time will tell.

For some reason, my ankle is KILLING me. It started Monday night, and has gotten worse sense. I didn't do anything to it. So, who knows..

Jasmine @ Fleurty and Fit and I are putting together a giveaway. It is still in the works, but it will be super cute.

The awesome Jenn from Fat Chick to Fit Chick Nominated me for the Liebster Award.

She is just amazing, y'all. She hit her 100 lb weight loss mark, and just ran a half marathon. It's safe to say she's an all around badass.

I posted about the Liebster award HERE.

Since I nominated people, I assume I don't have to do it again?

ANYWHO, here are the questions Jenn gave me.

If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be and why?

If I had no family, no ties to anything, I would move to Ireland. But, being away from my family is not an option. Dayton always brings up moving to another state, can't do it. PLUS, it's Texas. Home, home on the range?

What is your favorite meal to cook (or eat at a restaurant)?

Yucatan Taco Stand Nachos. If you haven't had them, go. RIGHT now. It's in downtown Fort Worth off Magnolia. The nachos are enough to feed a family of 5. No joke.

What is one thing you want to learn how to do?

I want to learn how to sew, well. I know, how, it's just not very pretty.

What is your favorite piece of clothing?

Any maxi dress. I love dresses. They like to accent my anti-gravity belly, But they are just so comfy.

If you could go back and change one thing from your past, would you? (Life might be different if you do.)

Absolutely not. A few blogs ago, I shared some personal information. (HERE) A lot of people would probably change that. I wouldn't. It has made me into the person I am. It has placed the exact people I need in my life. I couldn't imagine my life any different. I am not willing to change my whole world for a person who wasn't willing to change theirs
.
If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

Shrinking ability. So I can shrink this belly!

Your ideal day is?

Cheesy Alert* Escaping reality with Dayton. It doesn't matter where. Every day with him is an adventure, anything we do, it's like we are in our own little world. I absolutely love it.

What is something that always makes you smile?

My love. My family. My Kynlee. And my fur babies. I'm not going to lie, mostly Kynlee. If I have a bad day, I need to see that face. Like I have said before, she is my sun.

What was your soundtrack to 1998?

*Nsync Clearly.

Would you rather be able to go back in time or go to the future? Why?

Go back in time. To relive some memories. I think knowing the future would give me too much anxiety.

And on that note, I must bid you aideu.

Bikini Progress ( I lost count) week.

noreply@blogger.com (Kaela @kflabuloustofabulous) — Mon, 05 May 2014 16:05:00 +0000

It's Monday, I'm sure there are very few people in this world that are excited about that.. The ONLY thing even remotely excited about today, Cinco De Mayo. And I don't drink, so yes, I am excited about the food.

Every couple of months, I go through phases. Where absolutely nothing sounds good to me. So I eat junk, and that doesn't even taste good. So why do I do it? Its honestly like I black out. I forget that I am changing my eating habits, I forget that I hate myself afterwards. I only remember how gross the food actually is when I am running to the bathroom. I just don't get it. I don't get why my brain is wired that way. I know I can't be the only person. I guess that would be considered an eating disorder? Like I said, it only happens every few months. There have been points in my life where I have seriously thought about going to talk to a food counselor, but then I think I can do it on my own. Plenty of people do.

Speaking of fat, I got the DietBet going! It starts the 12th. You put $25 in the pot, and have to lose 4% of your body weight in a month. I think it is very doable. I failed at my last attempt. Totally would have made it, but Easter betrayed me. I didn't think about it, but the bet falls ends right after my birthday weekend.. Oh well, I will just have to work EXTRA hard. :)

Here's the link. Get to it!!

http://www.dietbetter.com/games/43324

I mean you, why not lose weight while stealing people's money?

Do you ever just have things you want to say, but can't? Just because you have to save someone else from drama, or because it's easier just to be the bigger person. Sometimes I get really tired of being the bigger person. You try so hard to be a "people pleaser", but the truth is, people are going to think what they want anyways. So, for now on, I am going to do, act and say EXACTLY what I want. Why cater to someone who couldn't give two shits about your feelings?

I was put on this earth to please no one but myself. I am going to make myself, and my Dayton happy.

I forgot to post that picture the other day. Holy puffy.

So not cute.

My face is retarded.

Like I said on IG, I haven't seen much of a change on the scale, but I see a change in inches. I think I probably owe that to working out.

Aslo for your viewing pleasure an awkward photo of me and my niece!

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.

Weigh in Wednesday.

noreply@blogger.com (Kaela @kflabuloustofabulous) — Wed, 30 Apr 2014 14:38:00 +0000

Wellllllllll... it's

I am super happy to say that I haven't gained any weight! Still sitting at 264. Which I am completely 100% fine with that, considering there is a war going on in my uterus.

This made me chuckle.

I am all bloated and blah. But, like I said, SUPER thankful there is no extra weight.

Last night we had a 'Ladies Night'. The Sister-In-Laws (Minus Kal) and I went to Fuzzy's Tacos, and to the movies. We saw The Other Woman. I saw mixed ratings on it. Let me tell you, BEST movie I have seen in a long time!! We were laughing throughout the whole thing. It was definitely a good choice. Plus it was nice to spend time as a family.

Yesterday I posted my Transformation Photos.

Specifically, this one.

The picture on the left was taken one month before my surgery. I was 317 lbs. This is absolutely the worst picture I have ever seen of me. I never saw myself THAT big. If I would have seen this picture back then, then maybe I would have realized?

I have gotten such incredible feedback regarding this photo. I almost question it, not necessarily the feedback, but myself. People are saying that I am inspiring, and how amazing that is. And I of course appreciate every single bit of it. But, I had surgery AND put on a little bit of weight back. Yes, I am losing it again. I guess I just don't know how to take things.

I never saw myself THAT big, but I also never see myself THAT 'small'. Our perceptions of ourselves are so distorted. I don't see myself as an inspiring person, because I allowed this to happen. I allowed myself to get that big. I allowed myself to get out of control. And still do a lot of the time. I feel like I am still learning who I am and what I want. I am 22. I have a experienced a lot in my life. And I have a lot more to go. I am going to embrace every bit that is thrown my way.

This played on the movie last night. I fell in love. Absolutely beautiful.

I needed to see this face this morning. So, her mama sent me this. I bawled like a baby. Her onesie says it all. I am so in love with the baby girl. She is my Sun.

Now I need to see my Queen Bee. And all will be right with the world.

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.