Elaine Much

Grey is 3(.5) months!

2013-05-19T22:01:00.000-07:00

This chunky monkey is 3.5 months old. (I'm so bad at this monthly update stuff.) I wish I could take nice pictures of him like Mikelle does!

He's outgrowing 6 mo. clothes!! We're running out of clothes for him to wear and I haven't gone thrifting in a while to get him new onesies. So for now I've just been doing laundry every day. SO glad we have a washer and dryer.
He's 20lb. and in the 99% for weight and 85% for height. He's a big 'un.
He loves to talk and just babbles away by himself. He loves to laugh too! Some of the things that made him laugh recently... when you scare him (for some reason he loves it - definitely didn't get it from me), I was changing his diaper and I made a "mwahaha" laugh and he just cracked up!!
he's able to hold his head up at a 45* angle in the prone position!!! he hated tummy time for a while and i just kinda let it go since i had to work and couldn't focus with his crying. i know - i'm a bad mom.. but i recently sucked it up and took the time out of my "busy" day to do tummy time with him and he's doing so much better now.
he still doesn't like to be ignored. if he sees you walking away or doing something else (e.g., me working..) he'll talk to try to get your attention and then he'll start yelling and if that doesn't work, he'll cry. it's cute/annoying.
he LOVES his mobile! who would've thought?? i'm so glad my aunt got it for him!!! it keeps him quiet in his crib for a few minutes.
he loves to suck on his fists and consequently drools a LOT. gross.
he loves to go on walks and look at everything
he absolutely adores chase. it's the cutest thing! once chase is home, grey's eyes follow him wherever he goes.
he doesn't have a good grip and can't hold on to things very well. we're working on this one..
recently he's taken to kicking and squirming while i nurse him. it's getting annoying. like i'm trying to feed you, please stop kicking me.
oh and grey got his first shots a couple weeks ago. It was the saddest thing :(. our health insurance was screwy for the first couple of months so we couldn't get them before. he ended up getting 3 shots (2 combos thank goodness). i read that nursing while getting the shots distracted the baby so i tried that. he still cried. :( then he fell asleep in the car and was fine for a few hours. that night he just started screaming and we noticed his legs were bright red and super hot. we called the doc to find that it was normal (wish they told us first..) and gave him some tylenol. after that he was back to his happy self again. it made me so sad to see him in such pain! i thought i'd be able to handle it but i was a big ball of nerves. thank you modern medicine!

The many faces of Grey (lots of pics..)

2013-05-18T22:38:00.000-07:00

Chase was telling Grey a really good joke. Apparently it was really really really good.

Gosh, I love these faces! Just the happy ones. JK.

Bed time routine

2013-05-17T21:41:00.000-07:00

Chase and I never had a bed time routine for Grey when we were staying at his parents house. We didn't really see the point. Now that we have our own space, it's easier for us to have one. And now that we started one, I love it. It's definitely more for us than it is for him! It's a time for all of us to unwind as a family and to be together. Plus, I love reading to Grey and hearing Chase play his guitar for us.

This is a Korean book from my childhood. A 3-year-old can read this. So basically my Korean reading comprehension is that of a 3-year-old. Even then I have trouble reading it.. -_- So yesterday I started watching Korean dramas again. HA! Also, Grey has more Korean books than English.. So I really need to brush up on my Korean ASAP..

Chase doesn't know any lullabies on the guitar so we've been singing Under the Bridge by Red Hot Chili Peppers. Gotta start 'em young, eh?

Chase's New Hobby

2013-05-16T22:20:00.000-07:00

We haven't had a coffee table for about two years. Our first (and last) one was from the As Is section of IKEA that we bought for $10. There was a scratch on top but we covered it with contact paper. It was cheap and fast. Then we got rid of it because it was just an eye-sore. Since then we haven't replaced it because money. Now that we're a dual income household, we've been in the market for one but Chase is a picky one so he decided he'd BUILD it. Weirdo. Well, he actually did it. Unlike me. I would've given up after trying to figure out what type of wood I needed. He built it with his bare hands like some sort of animal. He bought the wood and stain at Home Depot and the hairpin legs online. It came out to be around $120 for the materials. He borrowed tools from his dad and friend.

Cut, glued, sanded down, and ready to be stained.

The finished product!

Oh, and this is our partially finished living room! At least this wall. Like I said...we're missing pictures.

(I love my blankets!! The one on the couch is handmade from the Philippines. The one on the floor is from Mexico. We don't have any rugs...and since they're so expensive I thought we could just use a blanket and I actually really love it now. I just place Grey on it and if he spits up like he does 829734x a day, I can quickly throw it in the washer and not have to go to a laundromat to use those commercial washers.)

Grey's Nursery

2013-05-15T22:19:00.004-07:00

Grey's nursery/our music-sewing-guest room is slowly coming together!! It's probably the most "together" room in the house so far. We're still missing pictures on the walls (which I love! but Chase hates. We're trying to figure out a happy medium..)

chair: originally IKEA but Chase's dad got it for us at Goodwill (we're going to get a new cover for it)

lamp: Chase's dad found it by our old L.A. apartment dumpsters

ukulele: Hawaii (Chase's)

basket: IKEA PLANTER!! $14!! Cheaper than most baskets out there.

crib: originally IKEA but we got it off Craigslist for $40 and got a new mattress ($35)

mobile: gift from my aunt in Korea

print: Etsy $20, frame: walmart $2

dresser: thrifted for $20 and painted

changing pad: Chase's parents

TOTAL = $117

Grey's Blessing Weekend or The First Time My Family Met My Baby

2013-05-08T00:39:00.000-07:00

A couple weekends ago, my family came to visit us so they could finally meet Grey. They were only here for two full days. (HALLELUJAH.) And they stayed at a hotel. (PROOF THAT THERE IS A GOD.) So their visit was actually quite pleasant. For both parties.

It was their first time in northern California so we really wanted to take them to San Francisco. We only had one day so we did a quick hop off, take pics, hop on tour of the city. This whole traveling-with-a-baby thing is new to us and it was the longest we've been out of the house with Grey. He also had a diaper blow-out and a million spit ups. Literally. (Not literally.. Give or take one.) So that was fun.

While they were in town, we also had Grey blessed. We did it at home to include Chase's grandma and because we felt it was a personal and intimate moment that we only wanted to share with family and not a ward full of people we hardly knew. And it was beautiful. I just wish I had been included in it.

Love that face.

He has...

2013-04-23T15:02:00.001-07:00

His daddy's eyes. My nose. My ears. Daddy's hairline. My hands and my feet. My eyebrows. Daddy's lips. We like to call it the birdy beak. His daddy's baby chunk. He'll probably grow up to be nice and tall like his daddy too.

We have an apartment!!

2013-04-22T23:18:00.001-07:00

We finally found and landed ourselves an apartment in Sacramento. We were debating on the outskirts of Sac, like cheaper cookie-cutter suburbia or the pricier downtown/Midtown area. We wanted the latter - we love the city and its walkability. Suburbia...not so much.. We also had a few specifics in mind that made the search more difficult and longer.

We started moving some things this past weekend but we're still staying at Chase's parents'. I love not feeling rushed to have everything in place. I'm so Type A about having things put away that the whole packing-moving-unpacking process really gets to me. Also, my family is coming later this week and I really didn't want them to stay with us. (In case you missed it....) I didn't want to feel extra rushed to get settled in and my mom has the tendency to reorganize our entire kitchen because who doesn't like not knowing where anything is in their own kitchen??

That same weekend, we bought our first new couch at IKEA, which we budgeted and saved for but it was still a lot of money for us to put down all at once. We also bought Grey's crib because he is quickly out-growing his bassinet.. So this month was the month of a lot of necessary expenses but it still gives me a mini panic attack whenever I log in to our Mint account. Too many reds. :(

I'm so excited to decorate and maybe do a few DIY projects if I'm feeling Pinteresty enough but let's face it... no. And Chase wants to build our coffee table. He sketched it out and made models of it on his computer. He lost me at "build."

Cryball

2013-04-14T23:43:00.001-07:00

I'M POSTING FROM MY PHONE!! Am I cool yet? (Answer: never.)

Last night around this time, I couldn't sleep because my schedule is all whack. Thanks, boobs. (Not...) I usually surf the Twitter and get caught up on blogs but I had already done that 3747538 times so I went through my phone pics...going down down down the rabbit hole.. I had taken a few pictures of Chase and Grey together earlier that day and pulled those up to get a closer look at my talent. And as if on cue I started bawling. No, wailing. So loudly in fact that I woke up a startled Chase.

I just had this overwhelming feeling of love for Chase and Grey that I started crying.

He asked me today why I was crying because it's unlike me to be so emotional and stuff. This kid is changing me for the better. I think we'll keep him.

2 Months

2013-04-10T18:06:00.002-07:00

Grey is 2 months! No fancy pictures. We've been busy and there isn't any good lighting around here :/. Hopefully we have time for it this weekend because time is flying by. I hate it!

Some updates... (You probably don't care, but I need to do it for my own sake. Bad memory, remember?)

I'm trying to space his feedings out to 3 hours instead of 2. To help when the 2.5 hour hunger cries start, we've been going on a lot of walks. But the good news is we've been able to sleep through the night a handful of times much to Chase's delight and only feed him once (max) at night.
He's in between sizes. He's outgrown the newborn onesies but doesn't quite fit into the 3-6 month clothes so everything is a little big on him. His socks don't fit him at all though. He needs new socks....umma. Not like she reads this anyway..
He's talking, smiling (6 weeks), and even laughed a few times! He loves to talk to his grandpa and only seems to laugh with him. Chase is good at getting him to talk and smile too. One of the things Chase does to make him smile is "drum" his tummy. He loves it! We like to say "Hi" and "Yeah?" to Grey and he tries so hard to say those words back! It's the cutest when you can do a little back-and-forth with him with one of those words when he tries.
He loveslovesloves to be held. He doesn't like to be ignored and would rather be held and look around or talk to you.
ETA: I forgot one more thing! Grey is figuring out what his hands are. They'll find their way to his mouth and somehow get out! And then he'll cry as he tries to put them back in his mouth. It's so funny. I feel like such a mean mom laughing at his misery.

Interior Inspiration

2013-04-06T20:14:00.002-07:00

We sent in our applications for an apartment in Sac and it got me thinking of how I want to decorate it...

Source: New York Times

Source: Lonny

Source: A Cup of Jo

Source: Design Sponge

Source: Flickr

See more at my Pinterest!

Weight loss goal progress (ha ha)

2013-03-27T22:11:00.006-07:00

Working on my fitness?

Meredith's tweets to me today (1, 2) had me blushing and realizing how well I've been doing with my weight loss goal lately....not.

Time for me to be real.... My M-F, 1800 calorie, minus carbs and sweets diet was a total bust. I only lasted three days until I gave up. I was feeling lightheaded and faint after the third day that Chase and I decided I shouldn't do it anymore. I don't know much about diets, but I do know if something is making you feel like you're about to pass out, you probably shouldn't do it. Aaaaaaand I gained all the weight back so I'm back to where I started...minus a pound tonight but that's probably water weight...boo.

I don't know how serious I am about my goal anymore. After that first day, I noticed the impact a restricted diet had on my milk supply and I'm not ready to give that up yet. Oh, and the lightheadedness and feeling faint thing..

I have an eating and self-control problem that I've been trying to work on for a couple years now. I'm a binge exerciser. I'm used to eating whatever I want and then working out hard afterward. I can't do that right now so it sucks...but I guess it's also a good thing so I can work on mindful eating..

(Deep breath) I've now resorted to trying to eat as healthy as possible. My offender foods (the foods I eat more than I should / can't stop eating / obsessed with) are breads, sweets, and soda. My new plan is to avoid all sweets and sodas during the weekdays, not counting calories anymore, and eating bread in moderation (only 2 slices a day). I've told myself this all week and still succumbed to my in-laws' deep freezer luring me in with the endless supply of Milk Way ice cream bars, bread, and Diet Coke.

....

We need to move out ASAP.

Breakdown = CAKE

2013-03-18T22:01:00.002-07:00

Don't let this smiley face fool you.

I had my first baby-related breakdown today.

I started work last Wednesday and am trying to slowly work my way up to full-time hours. The last two work days were really difficult for me because Grey seems to want to be held allllll day. The carrier we have doesn't work very well while I'm sitting and trying to use my laptop either.. It's either I let him cry (more like scream bloody murder) in his bouncy seat and try to work through that or hold him and type everything out one letter at a time. I can't type and work with one hand forever..

So back to my breakdown... I thought I was doing pretty good about juggling this whole parenthood thing. I didn't really get the baby blues. I think I was too busy with moving.. Today I just couldn't handle his crying and trying to get at least some hours in. The counter was overflowing with dishes from dinner the night before. I was feeling gross/guilty from my first splurge weekend. And then Grey had a blow-out while I was changing him and got poop on me and his changing pad. It wasn't as bad as other times. In fact, it was nothing, just a few splatter spots, but enough to send me over and I bawled right along with my baby. Then I remembered I had made carrot cake with lemon cream cheese frosting last night and had a slice...and then another.

You know what's funny but not? Grey being a total hell-raiser with me during the day but oh-so-cute and cooey and smiley with Chase and my in-laws. -_-

My fitness inspiration

2013-03-16T22:46:00.000-07:00

Taken 1/3/12

This was when I was going to the gym every single day for 1.5-2 hours. It was when Chase was in school so I had lots and lots of time to sit in traffic so I thought I might as well go to the gym. I had biceps! And abs! I was so proud of myself for working out and really toning up. That is my goal. But I can't work out. So I'll focus on eating the right foods...Monday through Friday.. :)

I would like to end up looking as toned and fit as these girls below, but I know deep down in my heart I am lazy. So I'll always be a little soft.

"To the Mother With Only One Child"

2013-03-15T22:36:00.001-07:00

Grace sent me this article because she's a godsend. If you're a mother, I urge you to read it! ..especially if you're a new mother! I felt like the author wrote it specifically for me...like I'm doing okay even though I feel like I'm barely making it trying to get in the groove of working and taking care of Grey and trying to keep the house in somewhat order and, well, you get the picture..

What are you still doing here? Gogogogo!

Off-topic, but... I've lost 1.6 pounds so far!! It was my niece's birthday today and there was pizza and ice cream cake. OMG I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE. But I did it. And tomorrow is the weekend!!!!!11

15 pounds

2013-03-14T12:19:00.003-07:00

is my weight loss goal.

I gained 40 pounds during my pregnancy, but gained five pounds before that from the stress of trying to get pregnant. So I had a total of 45 pounds to lose by the end.
The first week, I lost 15 pounds. Most of it was Grey... (Remember when he was 9 pounds??)
By the third week, I lost another 15 pounds!!
Three weeks later and I've lost two pounds since then. TWO. And most of it is because I was trying hard to eat light and healthy yesterday, but I could tell it affected my milk supply so I'll have to eat more.

My goal is 1800 calories a day, but if I go over, I wouldn't mind... It's for the milk!! ;)
From Monday through Friday, I'm cutting out carbs, sweets, and cow milk. On the weekends, I'm eating whatever the hell I want!! I'm hoping as this continues I'll choose not to gorge solely on carbs and sweets on the weekends. We'll see... I'm a carbaholic.
I'm going to go for a walk around the block with Grey at least once a day, carrier or stroller. I still don't feel 100% recovered to do anything else besides walking. I can't wait to go for a run and jump rope!!!

I've been keeping track of everything on MyFitnessPal.com. If you have an account, let's be friends!!

For Moms

2013-03-11T17:55:00.001-07:00

Chase showed me this video after I talked to him about my stir-craziness and feeling of insignificance. Even if Grey doesn't make it to the Olympics and even though I am a very new mom, I still loved this video and was surprised at how much I was able to relate to it. .....I may or may not have cried.

Instagrammers to follow

2013-03-11T15:51:00.000-07:00

There are a few people on Instagram where I love every single picture they post. Check 'em out...

@sarahjanelarsen

Sarah has the cutest kids (with a new baby!) with the cutest clothes living in the cutest home. Can I just be her for a day??

@kjrstenmadsen

Kjrsten is a photographer living in London right now. I briefly mentioned her before here. I just love all her pictures! It's like she never tries. She's a must follow if you like pretty pictures of Europe.

@missfurnellie

Kimberellie used to blog here, but stopped. So I was so happy to find her pretty pictures on Instagram! She has the cutest home full of all sorts of thrifted goodness. She's an amazing thrifter - it makes me so jealous! And her kids are too cute.

@heyceebee

Courtney was also another photographer I mentioned in this post. She's also one of my newest contributors on Clothed Much! I've always loved her photography. Her Instagram also doesn't disappoint!

@sydneyliann

This one's an easy no-brainer. You should already be following the fabulous Sydney! Love her pics. Love that girl. (And little Mr. E! What a cutie.)

@whatwouldanerdwear

Tania's the nicest person you'll ever meet. I love her pics of D.C. and of her wedding (!!!) preparations! Wish she went back to blogging. :(

@brookegaynes

Brooke is one of my friends from Salt Lake. She and her husband are super fit and super outdoorsy that it makes me feel so lazy! They're always going out to run, bike, hike, and ski. She takes the most beautiful pictures of their outdoor adventures.

Who are some of your favorite Instagrammers?

5 Things

2013-03-08T20:09:00.000-08:00

SO SQUISHY

Being the procrastinator that I am, I'm finally sharing "5 Things about Me" that Sydney tagged me for. I already shared on Instagram, but I'm feeling gracious tonight so here is 5 more..

I'm Korean, but I feel more American. I'm starting to lose the language; I don't care for some parts of the culture, values, tradition.. It may have to do with how I was raised and my staunch parents. I hope to keep the more valuable parts of the culture to pass on to Grey, but otherwise I'm not too concerned about trying to keep the Korean alive in our house.
Speaking of my staunch parents, I don't have a great relationship with them...especially my mom. Typical of any Asian parents, they are controlling. I have the best relationship with my family when I'm far away....far far far far away. I'm okay seeing them once a year, calling them a few times a month. Any more than that and I'll be stressed and crying for days.
I left for college half-way through my senior year in high school. I was still 17. And, no, I wasn't that super smart Asian. Still not.
I hate junk and love purging! Chase and I are so practical when it comes to things. We don't have a lot of decor around our house for that reason. I'm constantly going through all our things to see what I can get rid of.
I hate talking on the phone. I'll try to get out of a call as much as possible...like having Chase make calls for me or answer my phone when it's an unknown number. It just makes me so anxious that I have to walk around or do something with my hands to keep me "relaxed."

And now I tag all of you. Tell me at least one thing about you! Go!

SAHM

2013-03-06T20:07:00.002-08:00

Let's do some math..

I've been a mom for 4 weeks.

We moved in with Chase's parents 2 weeks ago.

We have 1 car.

Chase has been back to work for 1 week.

1 baby.

Me.

All day.

For 1 week.

Good job, you just figured out that I've been imprisoned in my in-laws' house for 1 week!

If you're thinking, "Why don't you just go walk and do something, stupid?!?"

Well, I would if I weren't still recovering. Like yesterday I had Grey in a carrier for most of the day and at night, my lower abdomen was hurting really bad...like my-incision-feels-like-it's-splitting bad. So that means limited exercise...still. I've been trying to go for a walk around the block everyday, but this is no L.A. weather... Also, they live in the middle-of-nowhere suburbia, so there isn't anything to walk to.

I've been trying to keep my mind off of the whole imprisonment thing by doing chores to make up for the graciousness of my in-laws taking us in like we're homeless or something (..we are) and sitting around twiddling my thumbs. Oh, and there's Grey too..

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm just waiting for life to pass me by. It might be the whole imprisonment in another's house, not having anything significant to do (not that taking care of my son isn't significant, but something other than nursing and cleaning up poo..), waiting for work to start next week, waiting for me to recover so I can walk more than a block without hurting, or maybe it's waiting for the weekends so Grey and I would finally have Chase to ourselves. Whatever it is, I feel like I'm constantly waiting and I hate that. It's such a waste of time.

Today, though, Chase was sick, which meant I had the car! Hallelujah! ..for me. Not for Chase. :( But I was finally able to go outside and see people I wasn't related to by marriage. I'm sorry to all the strangers I smiled at a little too enthusiastically. For my first day of freedom, I went to the grocery store and Forever 21 because I know how to party.

How do other SAHMs do it? How do you deal with being at home alone all day with your kid(s)?

Sincerely,
A Stir-Crazy New Mom

Grey's One Month Photos

2013-03-03T11:46:00.003-08:00

Chase and I have been wanting to take pictures of Grey since we brought him home, but with my recovery, packing, and the impending move, a photoshoot was the last thing on our minds. I deeply regret that now because I feel like Grey got SO big already. Wish we took more pictures when he was littler. :( Anyway, here are a few of my faves..

Win a month's worth of krill oil!

2013-02-20T00:00:00.000-08:00

One lucky reader will win one month's supply of Everest Nutrition Krill Oil. You can read about the benefits of it here. This giveaway is open to select countries only! Click on the Terms and Conditions below to see if your country qualifies.

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How many?

2013-02-14T21:02:00.000-08:00

I had a doctor's appointment earlier this week to have my c-section incision checked. Everything looks good! No infections and it's healing nicely. Can't believe how small it is and that this boy was pulled out of there.. Anyway, my doctor told us that when they went in there, they were concerned because the top left side of my uterus was really thin. He said if we planned on having another baby, I could do a VBAC if the baby was small like 6-7 lbs. But he strongly suggested I do a c-section. It made me sad to think I'd never have that natural experience. And going through this recovery process, I don't know if I can do it anymore than one or maybe two times. Chase and I had always talked about having 3 or 4. Now it's down to 2.

Win a custom iPhone case!!

2013-02-12T00:00:00.000-08:00

Enter to win a custom iPhone case from Swedish company CaseApp! They make cases for iPhone 4, 4s, or 5. This giveaway is open to everyone worldwide.

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Greyday

2013-02-09T16:11:00.001-08:00

I figured I better write down Grey's birth and my labor story before I forget because I have the worst memory in the history of ever. Also, words and pictures. A lot of them.

So I went for my weekly appointment on Tuesday, January 29 at 38 weeks. The doctor had mentioned a few times before that our baby was a fatty but never showed much more concern than that. Well, that day's ultrasound he estimated the baby to be at least 9-10 pounds!! He also noticed my PUPPS was particularly bad and was worried about my liver that perhaps the baby was pushing against it (He loved my right side.) which was creating biosalts (???). He ushered us down the hall to a more experienced doctor to check out the size of our baby, and, YUP, this baby had a big head and an even bigger stomach. Like I said, fatty. We met with my doctor again and he was adamant about me being induced as soon as possible...like that night. I was 1cm dilated at that point. Mind you this was around noon and he wanted me to come to the hospital at 6PM. I had planned on going to work that day and all I could think of was all the things at work I didn't get done yet since I'll be working remotely from Sacramento after my maternity leave.

Chase and I hashed it out. My doc gave us two choices: I get induced tonight or I get a blood test for my PUPPS which would take some time and by then, this baby would be close to 10-11 pounds. We decided that I should be induced. I wanted a vaginal delivery (HA!). We scheduled the inducement for 10PM that night.

I went to work and had my last free lunch (BBQ pork sandwich with a salad), said my goodbyes, and made sure my coworkers knew what to do in my absence. For the rest of the day, Chase ~~and I~~ cleaned the house. Okay, I was painting my nails and getting my hospital bag ready. We did some last minute grocery shopping and got a few essentials for the baby. I tried to rest as much as possible but I didn't want to mess up my nails. :(

Last mirror pics before heading out.

And then we were off. We got in around 10:30PM. Fashionably late as usual. I changed into my gown and got settled in. A nurse came in and got me ready for the Cervidil to soften my cervix. I slept that night not knowing it'd be the last time I'd get a full night's sleep before all hell broke loose.

I started waking up from my contractions around 3AM. They weren't painful yet and I was able to sleep through it until 5 when the nurse checked me. I still wasn't dilated enough and haven't had any strong contractions either so my doctor came in and broke my water. Can I say EW? It was so gross!! Blood and water everywhere. I leaked steadily for the rest of the delivery and they had to constantly change my puppy pad. They monitored me for a few hours after that to see if my contractions would progress, but of course they didn't. Chase and I walked the halls quite a bit during that time to get my contractions going. I reaaallly didn't want to be pumped with more drugs. But my body didn't care and I ended up being hooked up to Pitocin.

They started me off with a very low dosage to try to kick-start my contractions, but like I said, my body didn't care. So the nurse upped the drug. Then the contractions were too close together for a still too-small cervix so they had to lower it. Up, down, up, down. Imagine this for a whole day. Finally that night, the contractions were getting stronger and starting to hurt...like a lot. NOBODY TOLD ME THIS. My desire for a natural birth was looking pretty ridiculous, but I held on for as long as I could. My doctor came in a couple times during the day to check on me and let me know that I could get an epidural if I wanted it but to wait until later that night to see how far I progressed. She was worried I wouldn't have the strength to push later.

Chase and I made a goal for midnight. By 10PM I was moaning and crying and hated what my body was making me go through. Why couldn't it do this naturally? Why couldn't I do this? I was so tired physically, emotionally, and mentally and by 11PM I was getting an epidural. I think the worst part about it was the catheter. Ouch.

Once the drug worked its way into my body, I was so relieved. No more bouncing on the birthing ball. No more squeezing Chase's hand. No more going to the bathroom hoping I wouldn't get a contraction on the way that would make me drop to my hands and knees. And, I could finally get some sleep!!! ..which is what I did promptly after. And that sleep was glorious! In the mean time, they pumped up my Pitocin. But I didn't care - I couldn't feel a thing. I was in a drugged bliss.

On Thursday morning around 7:30AM, I was woken up by my nurse who told me to get ready to push. The baby was still at 0 so I had to push to get him down further. I pushed for 2 1/2 hours. His hairy little head made an appearance a few times. In the end, my doctor said I was too tired and that the baby's head was just not going to fit down there. He didn't want me to continue to deliver naturally. Since the baby was so big, he could be seriously injured such as having a broken collar bone or only having his head out but not the rest of his body...!!! My doctor wanted me to get a c-section as soon as possible. Oh, and did I mention my epidural was starting to run out? My nurse said I'd have enough, but...NOPE. I was starting to feel the strong contractions just as the anesthesiologist came in to drug me some more. Since I was out of the epidural, he pumped me with stronger pain meds until we got to the OR.

Once they wheeled me in there, the anesthesiologist gave me MORE drugs that basically knocked me out...like I could barely register that the people around me were talking and was blacking out and hallucinating dancing shapes, which for some reason reminded me of the movie Cloud Atlas. I do recall that the anesthesiologist told me that I'd feel a lot of pressure on my chest...and I did...and I moaned (as much as one could while blacking out) in reaction. Chase was by my side the whole time I think - I don't remember. He said he peeked over the curtain a few times and saw my uterus out and about and the doctors pulling my baby out and then stitching me up. Chase brought my baby to me, but apparently I wasn't responding. I still wasn't able to open my eyes all the way so I told Chase I wanted to touch him. He brought Grey to my hand, which was tied down, and I felt his ear. The surgery was done very quickly - like 20 minutes, which is funny because it felt like hours to me.

The first time I saw Grey.

And the doctor was right: he was 9lbs. 1oz. I remember when they took him out of me my doctor saying, "Yeah, he wouldn't have fit through."

They wheeled me back to my room. I was still in a daze. But I was finally able to hold my baby. I didn't have that OMG-this-is-my-baby moment with happy tears. I was thinking how weird he looked but glad that he was finally out of me.

I was moved to a small recovery room to...recover. But not until my uterus decided to expel everything that was in there at once. I lost a lot of blood that night. Chase said he got scared seeing all that blood. At one point, it seemed all the nurses on that floor were in our tiny room trying to figure out what happened and what to do while waiting for my doctor to come. Once he got there, he said we had to rid my uterus of as many blood clots as possible. To do so, he had to massage it...like knead my already sensitive uterus and manually pull the blood clots out by hand. This was probably the most painful part of the labor/delivery/recovery for me. I was in so much pain I couldn't stop crying and screaming. Just writing about it now makes me anxious again. When my doctor got as much out as he could, I had to have a blood transfusion. I was given two units of blood throughout the course of the night, but I was still as white as a ghost. It's been almost a week later and I finally have color back in my face again.

The few days I had to recover at the hospital were really difficult. I couldn't move without being in pain. I was only able to lay in one position - on my back. I was so dehydrated they kept pumping me with fluids which made me really bloated, but my catheter continued to be empty, which urged them to pump me with more fluids. When they took all the IVs and catheter out, I was forced to get out of bed to relieve myself, which was annoyingly every couple of hours thanks to all those fluids. Hospital beds were not made for getting in and out of easily. I needed two people to help me go to the bathroom and I was in pain most of that time.

They finally kicked us out on February 3rd and we went home where my mom was waiting for us. Another story entirely..

I really didn't want Pitocin, an epidural, or most of all, a c-section, but I got all of 'em. My labor didn't go as I expected, and I think it was wrong of me to expect it to go a certain way when there are and were so many variables and unknowns. In the end, I'm grateful for modern medicine...and pain meds. Definitely grateful for pain meds.