I Speak Thoughts

The Racism I See

2015-09-22T10:57:00.000-07:00

Racism sits and waits to show itself and then claims it is anything but what it is. As with everything, you cannot deal with or heal anything you refuse to discuss. For most black people, we know racism does not lurk in the shadows because for us it sits behind desks and decides if we qualify for a job, not based on our experience but based on our names. And even when our names are not a deterrent our hair may be. For some black people, they still live in such an oppressed way that they refuse to acknowledge or they don't even notice when racism reveals itself. When people say "I don't see color", what they are really saying is, I refuse to see you. And in that refusal, they can pass you over for a job, follow you around a store, appropriate your culture, and tell you they are not racist. Racism shoots unarmed black men and women at a high rate. Racism inflicts a war on drugs by sending black men to jail for long periods of time for marijuana, and then making marijuana a multi-million dollar business in Colorado for white people as there are not many if any black people who are in the Cannabis business. Racism is the refusal of politicians to have a real conversation about race in America because they are afraid of losing the white vote. There are many facets of racism that have little to do with confederate flags. Racism is not as outspoken as it once was, though it still shows itself in that way.

For me, "I love my blackness and yours" (Deray McKesson), does not mean I hate anybody who isn't black, just as saying Black Lives Matter does not mean other lives don't. If you believe it does, then by your reasoning saying #FuckCancer means people are saying that AIDS/HIV, heart disease, and diabetes are okay. Put that in perspective for a minute. Do you see how crazy that sounds? Racism and hate are taught and learned. No person is born to hate. I love who I am as a black woman. I refuse to downplay who I am to make you comfortable or fit into your box. Audre Lorde said "If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive." That is how we should live!!!

Erica R. Campbell

Mother

2015-05-10T08:32:00.002-07:00

It is often said that “being a mother is the best job ever!” It’s weird because I never looked at motherhood as a job. For me, being a mother has been my life. No one tells you that you, no matter how hard you try, cease to exist. You are not told that every single thing you do will change based on your children. Your name is no longer the name your own mother gave you, it becomes Mommy and, in my case, A’jamaani’s Mom, Jamaal’s Mom and Maachi’s Mom. You see who you were no longer exists. At the least, she is in you somewhere as you begin tucking parts of her away to save for a later date. You no longer do the things you used to do and guess what, that is okay with you.

I have been blessed to know some great mothers in my journey called life. My own mother is and always has been the best person I know. I don’t say that often and I didn’t always believe it but as an adult and a mother now, I realize it. I realize that mom is a person who used to be different until she sacrificed her life for her children. She didn’t always do what she wanted to do when we were kids. But what she did was take us to church, coach us in baseball, she went to every sporting event, she disciplined us when necessary and she worked to provide us with a better life. I didn’t know it then, but my parents were not rich. You see my mother and father made it seem like we had all of this money. I mean we ate good food, we had nice clothes, we lived in a nice house and for the most part my siblings and I did what we wanted to do. I mean we played sports, was in dance, was a majorette, in the band, was in 4-H, Girl Scouts and Brownies we went to AstroWorld and water parks and visited family out of town and mom was there for everything even though she worked outside of our home. She didn’t complain about everything she’s done for us and she still doesn’t. Now instead, she comes to her grandchildren’s special events.

I have learned a great deal about being a mother from the women in my life. My grandmothers have all been the epitome of strength and I believe I get it from them. I have aunts who did/do things their way, on their terms, just like I do now. I have best friends who have I can definitely go to for advice although our kids are the same ages. I have cousins, and wives of cousins who I can watch and get parenting styles from. I have the women who are friends of my mom, my aunts and the mothers of my friends who I can be a witness to how they have raised their kids. I do not mimic any of them but what I do is observe them and admire them, love and adore them, look up to them and share stories with them, laugh with them and cry with them, pray with them and talk to them. So to every mother, whether you birthed a child, adopted a child, or simply came into a child’s life for whatever reason, you are truly a treasure. You have been placed on this earth for a reason. You were given the distinct honor of being a mother and with no handbook to follow you have done and are doing the best you can. It is not a job. Motherhood is a blessing. WE are being rewarded for what we do with children who make us great. We are doing a thankless act every single day. There is no person alive that could take our place in this world. We have been chosen by God to be a vessel to tiny humans who we will guide into adult humans. WE ARE MOTHERS!

Sexually Free - Adult Content

2014-01-04T14:59:00.000-08:00

I AM SEXUALLY FREE!! I have never been shy about talking about sex, in fact, I love talking about it. I really don't know anyone personally who is as open with their sexuality as me. I am a relationship woman so my sexual experiences are limited to my sexual partner; however, I will try anything except sharing my man with another person.

Lately I have been listening to Beyoncé's new album and I am not surprised by the sensuality and sexuality of the music because I became more sexual after my first child. She sings about being an all encompassing woman. She makes it clear that she is a woman who loves her husband and enjoys their sexual experiences together. She sings about performing sexual acts with her man in the backseat of the car in her song "Partition". She reveals the way she feels when she reaches her climatic peak in her song "Rocket". She mentions being "Drunk in Love" and wondering how the hell did they start their sex session in the bedroom and somehow ended it in the kitchen.

I'm sexually free and if given the opportunity, I would definitely experiment in "Fifty Shades of Grey" type loving. I want to be submissive but I have this need to be the dominate party of the relationship at least once a month (HAHAHA)!! I want to put the kids to bed and role play with my man. I want to entertain my man and get him completely ready for our session. I want to be fulfilled sexually as many times a day I can fit in. Being sexually free is necessary for me. I want to tell my man to "punish me please". Being sexually free means having a positive outlook on your own sexual experiences. Talking about sex does not make you a deviant, a whore or a slut. As a responsible adult, I encourage other adults to have positive sexual experiences and not be afraid or ashamed to have open conversations.

BE SEXUALLY FREE

Unwilling

2012-12-28T16:57:00.000-08:00

As I look back over the past year I have learned more than I was willing to know. At the beginning of this year I was pregnant and miscarried at home shortly after finding out that I would be a mom to another life. After the miscarriage I gave away all or most of the baby items I had. I didn't want the reminder of being pregnant and losing a child lingering in the place I called home. I also had time to reflect on my life. What I realized about my life was that I never really lived it.

The reflection of who I am has never really been who I felt I should be. I was beginning to understand that my entire existence was a complete fraud. I had somehow became an unwilling participant in my own life. I remember from the time I was a little girl that I was just a shadow of my older sister. I always tell the story of how my mom dressed me like her until I was in at least 4th grade. My sister is 4 years older than me so there was absolutely no reason for us to dress alike. That, however, was my existence. The shadow of someone better than me. Even as a grew older I was always called her little sister. And even now when i see people who I haven't seen or spoken to in a while they still ask about her first. For so long I tried to locate the person who I really am. At 11 years old, things for me was worst because I was molested, and managed to keep it a secret for many years. My whole life has been a shell of what I think it should be.

Everything about my life is a shadow except my children. I have always wanted children because I wanted to have someone in my life that would love me just for me. I have never felt loved until I had my kids. I know for some people that will be a shock to know but for me it has been my truth.

I had always been her little sister. The fat one. The one who is less smart than her. The non athletic one. The one who would never be her. I was always treated like her shadow. I would never catch up to her. Sadly, that's how I'm still treated. Like I said, I became an unwilling participant in this life. Although I am older with my own kids, I have had a chance to reflect on my life. The only thing that makes me happy is the love my kids give my everyday.

I am constantly judged by those people who claim to love me. I have heard that I'm too fat my entire life. I have heard that my hair needs to look a certain way my entire life. But from my kids, I hear I love you and how I'm the best mom. For me to hear those words from my kids, I have a hard time believing them. Not that I don't believe they love me or think I'm the best mom, it's just they're the only people that tell me. Having been a shadow since the beginning of my own existence, it's hard to understand that someone, especially my own kids, could actually tell me those words and mean them. Truth be told, my kids have been everything since before they were born. Every kick I felt was like feeling love for the first time. Still I feel like an unwilling participant in this journey.

As this year ends and I feel the kicks of this new life, I wonder if I'm raising my kids to be shadows. For me, I don't feel like I am but I'm pretty sure that's the way my parents may have felt. Or maybe not. You see not much has changed between the relationship I have with my sister. She's the one who still gets all the attention from my parents. She's the one who can seemingly do nothing wrong in the eyes of my family. She's the one who can say whatever she wants and no one goes against her. While I'm still very much her shadow. My experience tells me that in the eyes of my family...she's better. When she's around I cease to exist. Everyone sees her. Everyone wants to talk to her. They wonder where she is when she's not around. I used to think that this was all in my head. I thought maybe I had somehow made the shadow up. But this holiday season I was shocked to learn that my 6 year old daughter felt something too.

When my 6 year old asked me, out of the blue, why did everybody love her aunt more than they loved her mommy, I didn't know what to say. I mean I have felt this way my entire life but for her to notice it was like receiving a very hard punch to my stomach. She had no idea that I have felt this way but because kids are often smarter and more observant than adults, she noticed. What was more shocking than her noticing was the fact that it was an accurate observation. I asked her what made her ask me that question and she said, without hesitation, no one even ask you how you're feeling and you're sick. As a mom, I knew that I could not disregard anything she was saying. She even said that her grandmother is always very happy when her aunt comes. It was weird to listen to my 6 year old give examples about the exact things I have felt my entire life and never told a single person. After she expressed her concern, it completely opened my eyes. It became real for me. No longer was it a figment of my imagination as I thought it was my whole life. She noticed. The moment I was alone, I begin to cry. As I cried, I seen my life flash before me. Every emotion I felt was because I had always been the shadow. Now I had to start being me. The crazy part is, I don't know who I am. I know who I want to be but I have always been the shadow.

I know that my kids are helping me to be that person. I am their mom and they love me. They are not a reflection of each other because I have never compared them to one another. I always knew I wanted kids and I knew I wanted to raise my kids differently from the way I felt inside my entire life. I feel that I'm doing a great job of that.

I am a person packed with flaws. I am a person filled with doubt and fear. I am a person who is no longer willing to just be a shadow. I also understand that it will take some time for me to become the person I want to be. I know that my kids are unknowingly helping with that everyday. I don't have people I can easily talk to about what I'm feeling because I know those people are more than willing to judge me. What I do have is kids who will tell me everyday that they love me and that I'm the best mom and now I know that I will believe them.

10 Marriages

2012-05-08T11:39:00.001-07:00

Someone very close to me asked me if I knew 10 marriages that I thought were good marriages. As I thought about, I couldn't name 10. I can name 10 marriages that had infidelity. I can name 10 marriages that ended in divorce. I can even name 10 marriages that didn't involve love. The thought of this question is scary to me. I have been in relationship for 8 years but I can't picture marriage in my future. It's not a question about if I want to get married, I just don't feel it necessary. I asked my grandmother about marriages back in the day and she shocked me with her revelation. She explained that back in the day people didn't actually get married. They lived together and the woman took the man's last name because of the common law marriage. It made sense to me. Back in those days, people were looked down upon for not being married and having kids. That effect trickled down to their kids and now to us. I think when they were telling their kids to be married, they completely left out what marriage means. Marriage is a two people coming together as one. I have never read in the bible that it meant letting a piece of paper dictate that fact. The fact that more marriages end in divorce now more than ever is simply because back then people weren't actually married.

In general, relationships are difficult. They require hard work and dedication. They require trust and communication. They require love and happiness. Marriages are not different. The only difference is a piece of paper telling you you're married. We are told at a very early age that we need to get married, have kids and live happily ever after. The idea that happily ever after can mean being without a marriage is never mentioned. If people were more honest about marriage they would tell me what my grandmother told me. They would tell me the truth. The way I feel about marriage is my feelings. My best friend is married and I'm so happy for her but for me, I am not ready to choose that path.

If I could talk to my younger self, I would tell me to be who you are destined to be. Don't try to be who someone tells you to be. I would say your mom chose her path, your sister will choose her path, your best friend will choose her path and you will choose your path. It didn't take me long to realize that those paths would be different. I am happily unmarried, not because someone told me to be but because I chose. So for now, I don't know 10 marriages that are absolutely good marriages but I do know of some marriages that have stood the test of time through the difficulties, with the hard work and dedication, trust and communication, love and happiness.

I Speak Thoughts

Death by Suspicion

2012-03-19T11:00:00.001-07:00

Is it that just being a black man can get you killed in America? It's hard to argue against it when so many young black men are killed everyday in their own neighborhoods. What's even harder to argue is that they don't have to be criminals or "bad guys". They can look suspicious to a Neighborhood Watch Captain and can breath their last breath steps away from their father's fiance's home. They can be Trayvon Martin. This latest story has made me think about the future of my son and my nephew. I think about teaching them right from wrong and telling them to get a great education and how to treat women but it's hard to tell them all this when the truth is because they were born black, they can be killed. It's a sad reality for the black men and boys of this world.

The line by Omar Epps in the movie Higher Learning makes more sense to me now. In the movie scene he was saying that he was a threat to the world as a black man whether he was educated or not. I have been a witness to the racism of this country. I have seen white women grab their purses a little tighter at the sight of a black man. I have seen white people walk across the street just to avoid the oncoming of a young black man on a college campus. I have been a car with a white woman who took the scenic route to avoid an entire neighborhood. If you think racism is not alive and well in this country, it stands to reason that you must live under a rock.

Trayvon Martin did not have to die for black people to know that racism surrounds us everywhere we go. It's not in our imaginations. Racism is apart of our world. It hasn't changed since the days of slavery. Racism has simply gotten more sophisticated. Black people are not getting lynched, literally, but we are getting lynched. Just look at the unemployment rate of black people compared to those of our white counterparts. The difference is extremely significant. Now compare the rate to that of black men and you will see the number increase dramatically. The fact that the President is black has only increased the volume of racism. It's loud and open and not afraid to spew hate. When I see cases like Trayvon Martin I can't help but to worry about all the black men and boys that I know. They are risk of being hunted and killed not for for what they do but simply for what they look like.

It's true that black men are not innocent in the way they are perceived. Some of them often feed into the stereotype of who they should be and how they should act. They wear clothes that are too big. They drive cars that have rims on them that are too big. They hang on street corners until the wee hours of the morning. They sell drugs. They listen to the music in their cars so loud that it often feels like they will crack windows to the homes they drive by. Some of them do all these the things without caring how they are perceived by the world. On the other hand, black men are fathers. They work hard to support their families. They have corporate jobs and own their own businesses. They wear suits and ties. They go to college and receive a degree. The drive a nice car and live in gated communities. They go to church and pray to God. All of the examples have been given does not change one fact, they are black and they are perceived as a threat.

As a mother, a life partner, a daughter, a sister, a family member and friend to every type of black man, I'm scared. Scared that one day I will receive the same call that Trayvon Martin's parents received. The call saying that my child, my life partner, my dad, my brother, my family member or my friend is dead simply because he is black. It is a fear deep rooted in the black community. There is not a single white person who fears the same thing. If you have a chance go the website globalgrind.com and read the article by Michael Skolnik, titled, White People, You Will Never Look Suspicious. Sometimes we have to speak up for the injustice in the world, not because we are black but because we are people. Injustice against black men is an injustice to all people. Speak out against it. Do something about it. Bring attention to it. FIGHT AGAINST IT.

I Speak Thoughts

Positively Growing

2012-03-07T11:35:00.000-08:00

When I was thinking about what I wanted to discuss in this blog, I started thinking about my life and how much I've grown. I am thinking about writing and learning and growing. I realized that the very thing I've decided to write about, I've been guilty of doing in the past. As I started to grow and change I knew that the things I used to do I couldn't do anymore. For me, I made the decision to not let what people think about me have any negative effects on me. It's true what has been said, The loudest person in the room is usually the weakest. The same can be said about the loudest person in a small town or the loudest person in a family.

What I learned through this growth process is that I was that person. The one who always had a strong opinion. I was the person who always needed to be right. I was the loudest person because I was so weak in other aspects of my life. I'm extremely lucky that I have a best friend who would allow me to have my opinion but also not be afraid to challenge me. I still manage to get my point across but I have learned that my opinion about any situation is that alone, my opinion. Growing up and living in a small town everyone has this idea that they know everybody. Well I don't have that idea anymore. I know for sure that I really don't know anybody and they have no idea who I really am. People only know what you tell them and they really don't know if what you say is the truth.

The really sad thing about life is that people will say any and everything about you. The will deliver lies to the people who are the loudest thinking that the more people that know than the more truth the lies hold. We see this everyday in the arena of politics and celebrities. You read it on Facebook and Twitter. You hear it grocery stores and at your place of employment. There will always be someone who will start a rumor and others who will spread that same rumor adding a little bit more to it. I used to be the person who was a part of spreading the rumor but now I don't even entertain what people say about others. The truth is if someone starts or spreads a rumor to you, they will most definitely start and spread one about you. I have been on a journey to be a better person than I was. I am doing what I can to spread a more positive message about life. In order for me to be better and more positive, I try not to respond to negativity in any way. If someone says something about me that I know is not true I don't even respond. My grandmother told me once, " it's not what people call you, it's what you answer to." There is so much more power in not responding to negativity. When I see some people's Facebook statuses talking about people hating on them, I shake my head. If someone doesn't like my blog post it doesn't offend me. I know that everything I do is not for everyone to receive. If you are truly doing something positive and productive in your life there is absolutely no need to broadcast to anyone. People will notice.

I understand promoting your talents and your artistry is very important and necessary. Sometimes you have to put yourself out there but you must always be prepared to hear negative comments about what you are doing. There are so many people who want to be exactly who you are. Those people are the loudest people out there. They are the people who want a response from you. My advice: don't give them the satisfaction. Keep doing what you are doing and your positivity will always outweigh there negativity. I want to use a few examples to explain what I mean. I am not the biggest fan of rap but I am a fan of music and the art of music. There is a rap guy and a rap group in Gueydan by the name of Chance Jolivette (rap guy) and Game Mob Family (the rap group). They are creating music that I'm not fond of but they are creating the music they love. I will never say anything negative about it just because I don't like the genre of music. In fact, I'm willing to listen and give it a chance. However, there are so many loud people that will only speak negatively about it. I would say this to these guys and ladies, if you enjoy what you are doing then you better keep doing what you're doing. You don't have to answer to the negativity just continue on your own journey.

I have always been a great supporter. I love to see other people soar and I'm happy when people succeed in life. For example, my best friend, Brooke is doing great things with her life. I have always been extremely proud of the person she is. Her light has always been bright but I never let it overshadow me. She allowed me to be a part of her support system. I believe that I am the best supporter in the world. I love to see other people succeed and fulfill their dreams and believe being their supporter has not stopped me from pursuing my goals. You can be a person who spreads positivity and succeed in your own life. You have to be willing to block out the negativity and move forward with who you are meant to be. I think the people who love me will agree that I'm always happy when they are happy. This happens when you are truly happy with the person you are. I know who I am and there is not one person on this earth who can tell me any different. Like I said, I once was the loudest but even when I was the loudest, I was still happy for the people who did great things with their lives. The growth has been that I know I no longer have to be the loudest in the room.

So in conclusion, I think sometimes you have to just be silent because your silence speak volumes. Stop using Facebook and Twitter to try and shut down the people who spread negativity about you. You can shut all the negative energy out of your life simply by not feeding into it. People will always have something to say about you whether it be negative or positive. The truth is you have to know what you're willing to answer to. Positive energy attracts positivity. It works in every aspect of our lives. If you want to have great friends, you have to be a great friend. If you want to have a good partner, you have to be a good partner. But if you want to something great and the only thing you talk about is the worst part of life then you are attracting the same negative energy you are putting out there. It may take some time and a better understanding of who you are but all good things takes a little time.

I Speak Thoughts

The "Reality" of Being A Black Woman

2012-02-03T11:16:00.000-08:00

I am not the women that you see on "reality" television. It's funny that I have to say those words. I must admit that I have watched these television shows and most times I feel disgusted by the way they look on the screen. For the most part, I think that these women are paid to "act" a real fool. Some would call it entertainment but let's face it, it's not funny anymore nor is it entertaining. I watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta (not every episode) and they are portrayed as loud, mostly uneducated, ignorant and bitches. I am not any of that. They do not represent me at all. Black woman have long been regarded, by other races, as everything I have mentioned. I have to point out that I also watch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and they fight, yell & call each other bitches but they are not portrayed the same as their black counterparts who do the exact same thing.

The "Reality" is that the people who pay these women to act this way are rich white folks. If you have watched the show since it's inception then you probably have noticed that DeShawn & Lisa were not really involved in the over the top drama. Have you also noticed they are no longer a part of the show? The reality is the regular viewer of a "reality" show such as this one is not interested in anything other than the drama.

Let's just be honest, we all know black women who act like this way on a daily basis. Let's be even more honest, they are a part of our families. I also know every other race of women that act this way. Not all black women behave in a manner that is drama filled but the reality is they are the kind of black women who are portrayed on our television and movie screens more often than any other character trait of black woman. There are plenty of black television and film actresses that are portrayed in an extremely positive light but they are mostly in the background. As a child, like many others, I grew up watching The Cosby Show. Phylicia Rashad's portrayal of Clair Huxtable is the image of strength. She was a supportive wife, a great mother, a top attorney and what every black little girl wanted to grow up to be. She made little black girls dream for a better life and hope for a brighter future. The fact that it is rare to see the image of Clair Huxtable on the television screen does not diminish the fact that many black woman are living their dreams with great joy.

The reality of black women is so much more than what white people pay to portray on television. We are strong women and have been that way for many generations. We are educated and hard workers. We are more than our skin tone yet we are proud of who we are. The reality is that the women I know and love are smart and beautiful women who always are seen as inferior because of the color of skin they were blessed with. It's true that some are loud, have little to no education and display ignorance but most black women are the complete opposite of that truth.

We have been the backbone to our families and our ancestors were the backbone to the families of the same white people who treated them as unequal and less than. We have held our families together while the same black men that we love turn their backs on us. We have gone to work for hours and came home and raised smart and beautiful children. We are the women who are overlooked for jobs not because we are less qualified but because we are black. We are the same women who struggle but never give up.

The reality is black women are layered. We are not only stereotyped by other races but we also face those same stereotypes from the black men that have been raised their entire lives by a strong black woman. The fact is black women have always been strong. Now we are the financial contributors to our families in record numbers. We love these men so hard and they turn and run away from our strength. They say we have attitudes. The reality is we possess a God given confidence. They say we think we know it all. The reality is we may not know everything but we know exactly who we are. They say we always want to be in control. The reality is we have always given more of ourselves than most others. The reality of being a black woman is so much more than anything that you have seen on television. But the fact of the matter is we will always be portrayed as we what see as long as we watch. There is not a person alive that can tell me who I am. I live the reality everyday. I am a strong, confident, fiercely independent, ever-powerful woman. That reality that my skin is black is a bonus.

Dedicated to all the Black Women who love themselves enough to know the reality about Being a Black Woman.

Friends

2012-01-23T10:29:00.000-08:00

A friend is defined as a person you know well and regard with affection and trust. So from that definition alone, how many friends do you really have? I know exactly how many friends I have not including my family. My friends are not necessarily the people who post statuses on my Facebook Wall. The people I call my friends in my life are the people who have been honest with me even when I didn't want to hear it. My friends are the people that I have been blessed to tell something to and they have kept it a closely guarded secret because I asked. My friends have never betrayed my trust. My friends have loved me through the worst of my pain and have helped to shield me from hurt. I have always been that friend. I have remained true to myself and what I truly believe in. I am the type of person who, at one point, found it hard to forgive. I realized that forgiveness has never been about the person who hurt me but has been about me. What I also learned is just because I have forgiven you doesn't mean I trust you.

Trust is the hardest thing to get back once you have proven yourself untrustworthy. I have always tried to be honest in the hopes that no person could say I violated their trust. I take that very seriously when it comes to my relationships with people. When I was younger, someone I was very close violated my trust. I have forgiven her but she can never get back the level of trust I had for her. It's funny how people think that just because you have forgiven them, that you have somehow erased, from your mind, what they did to you. I think that when someone you love hurts you and you forgive them, the pain they caused you remains as a blueprint of what you are willing to accept from people. For instance, if someone you regarded as your friend begins dating your boy/girlfriend when you are teenagers, how can you trust they will not do the same thing when you're adults? It is true that people grow and change but the question remains; can you trust them?

On the other side of the previous scenario, I have a friend who has been there for me through everything. She has never told me what I wanted to hear but have always told me what I needed to hear. Every word of advice she gives comes from love, honesty and a truthful place. We have never lied to one another. Our friendship is built upon Truth, Honesty, Communication, Loyalty and above all Love. She knows things about my life that most people could never understand. I trust her because I only put my trust in God and he has been the strongest part of this friendship.

I have other friends that I have confided in and they have never broken my trust. I keep them close to me. We don't have to talk to each other daily because we know that when we talk it will be the best of us. I am living a more positive life so I truly don't have time for negativity around me. I remain faithful to God who continues to bless me with understanding, forgiveness and love. I have great friends because I am a true friend indeed. I have never been afraid to let go of friendships that didn't enhance my life. I have always been able to grow through the pain of loss and losing a friend has not been any different. So my questions are, Are you a friend? and Do you know who your friends are?

My Year

2011-12-30T07:50:00.000-08:00

I must say...This year has been a great blessing to me. I have discovered me. What more could I ask for? My relationship with Drake is stronger than ever. My relationship with my kids is unbreakable. My family loyalty is undeniable. My friends are my extended family. What can I say except I am truly blessed and highly favored. This year my goal was to have a more positive impact on my life and the lives of people around me. I think that I have done that. I'm looking forward to next year because I just want to continue to grow, learn and challenge myself and others to be more positive. I have decided to live each day and breath today's air. I am not worried about tomorrow because tomorrow is not promised. I want to have the important conversations with God today. I want to live everyday spending moments with the people I love and who lift me up. I would like to think that I have had some kind of positive impact on everyone who was able to read a blog post, facebook status or tweet that was sent from me.

My life this year has been one of great blessings. I have been able to share a little more of my life with you in hopes of you taking away something that will ultimately help you live your most authentic self. Please believe my year hasn't been without trials and tests but anything bad that happened to me has only made me more aware of love and God. I have learned something from myself that I really didn't believe before. I am STRONG. I am WOMAN. I am a GREAT MOTHER. I am a GREAT PARTNER. I am a GREAT FRIEND. I am a GREAT PERSON. I am POSITIVE. I am GOD LOVING. I am TRULY BLESSED and VERY HUMBLE. I hope you have recognized this in me but if you haven't maybe you need to look closer at yourself because I know exactly who I am.

So for the year 2012, I will continue to grow and learn. I will be better tomorrow than I am today. I will always be honest. I will love harder and give more. I will be blessed because I will stay prayerful. I will be here to lend my ear and shoulder and offer words of inspiration and encouragement. I want to help in any way I can without judgment. With all that said...HAVE A GOD BLESSED YEAR.

Struggles Redefined

2011-12-07T07:41:00.001-08:00

I'm really beginning to appreciate my struggles. They have led me to this exact moment in my life. I've always wanted more out of my life but my approach has always been one dimensional. Now I understand the reason for my struggles and I am proud to say that I have and am learning from them. We have all been through something. We have wondered how are we going to make it through this or that. We have prayed, wished and hoped for something better. The problem with the praying, wishing and hoping is that once we don't receive the answer that we want when we want it, we stop doing all those things. We stop depending on God and we begin asking family and friends for guidance. What we forget is that our family and friends have their own issues and problems to deal with. So sometimes we are listening to their advice not realizing that they are giving it from their own situations. You know they are saying, "this is what I will do" instead of giving the advice that caters to your situation. I'm not saying the advice is not good, I'm just saying the advice may not be intended for you to hear. And because we gave up on God, we are often taking advice from someone not qualified to give it.

For instance, you ask a friend or family member for relationship advice and they haven't had a relationship in years. The advice they gave you will automatically come from their viewpoint. I'm not saying the advice is bad, I'm asking, are they even qualified to give you that kind of advice? The answer is...probably not. Now you have taken the advice of someone who tells you that being in the relationship is not a good idea. Guess what? You are now single. Think about the entire situation you are in and then review the conversation you had with your single friend or family member. I know you are probably contemplating what just happened.

What I have learned is that it's okay to ask for advice from someone but just make sure they are qualified to give you the right kind of advice. After getting their advice you still must be able to listen to what God is saying. Sometimes the person who gives you advice is telling you to leave while God is telling you to stay because your breakthrough is coming to meet you. I love giving advice to people but I make sure I know how to give that advice. I never say what I will do because I never know what I will do unless I'm in the situation. Instead I give them options and I tell them that they have a God given ability to simply Pray and wait for his response.

I have honestly learned that struggles are just road maps to a better life. Sometimes we have to take the alternate route called change. I am changing and I know it's because my breakthrough is fast approaching. I want to be prepared for everything God has in store for me. I keep a smile on face and positive thoughts about life on my mind and in my heart. Even if I am presented with a setback, I know I will be better prepared to handle it. I am always talking to God but I stopped telling him my plans. LOL!!

SECRET...REVEALED

2011-11-29T07:45:00.001-08:00

I have finally been able to free myself of a secret that I kept from my parents for 21 years. It was not easy to walk in the room and tell my parents that when I was 11 years old I was molested. In fact, it took me 21 years to build up the courage to free myself. There were many reasons for me finally revealing a secret that was made my life almost a living hell. I wanted to live my most authentic life and holding the secret had disabled that. I think that my molester held this power over me through his death. I was literally afraid of telling my parents because I didn't want them to feel like what happened to me was somehow their fault. For many years of my life, I actually believed what this evil person told me. His words kept my mouth closed and my life still. I believed him when he said that he would kill me. I believed him when he said my parents wouldn't believe me. I believed him when he said if I told I would destroy lives. At 11 years old, I believed him because then I loved him.

I am finally free to tell my truth. To tell you that I was a victim of sexual abuse doesn't even begin to tell my story. It may give you a glimpse of who I am but it doesn't tell you who I am. I used to be a little girl with dreams of becoming a lawyer and living a life free of financial burdens. I wanted to help people with their problems and I loved to talk. I had everything figured out at a very early age. I wanted to go to college on a full scholarship and pass the BAR by the age of 23. I was going to start my own law firm at 24 years old and own my home at 25. I had life figured out. You are probably wondering how in the world could a girl have everything figured out. The answer is simple...Clair Huxtable.

Unfortunately for me, those dreams died the day I was molested by a man (who shall remain nameless) that I loved. I want you to know that there was no sexual intercourse involved but that is neither here nor there. The abuse changed the course of my life forever. That start of the day was a typical day. I went over to his house to play like I had done so many times before. He always let me play outside as long as I wanted to. After playing outside and having snacks throughout the day, it was time for my favorite show at the time...Jeopardy. I remember him saying, " come over here and sit on my lap so we can watch our favorite show." The idea of sitting on his lap was not unusual because for as long as I can remember I would sit on his lap. But on this day it was different. It's funny because I felt the difference right away but I couldn't quit put my finger on it. What happened next changed my life forever. I remember feeling something hard touching my bottom so I jumped up but he quickly pulled me back down. I tried to fight but of course he was stronger than I was. I tried to scream but his hands muffled my mouth. He whispered to me, "if you scream, I will kill you." Imagine just for a moment being 11 years old and having someone you love threatening to kill you. I did as I was told and he continued to do what he was doing. Although I had clothes on, I could feel this something hard entering me. I know it sounds weird but I felt like I was outside of myself. I don't even know how long this went on but I seemed like hours. After kicking and moving, I was finally free from his grasp. I ran out the door and to my grandparents house and I never went there again. I didn't tell anyone what happened to me until years later.

When I was 16 years old, I remember seeing his face and every memory that I had somehow shoved away came rushing back. I started drinking just to try and forget about the pain of that day. I was losing myself. For the next 6 years of my life, I was a highly functional alcoholic. What most people don't know is that I literally drank everyday because my body needed it. I played sports, I worked at the store and I hid it very well. I went to college and I remember my best friend, Brooke, telling me that she thought I had a serious problem. I knew that she knew a little something about my problem but I didn't know the extent of what she knew. At the time, I didn't care. My turning point came when I decided that I could no longer live the life I was living. I made a plan to end my life to stop all the pain that was going on inside of me. (See Blog Post entitled September 16, 2005)

Today, I am over 6 years sober and I know that God has his hands on me. I finally told my parents about what happened to me 21 years ago. Their reaction has given me a brand new outlook on life. I realize just how much my parents love me. Of course, they believed me and they wished I had told them when it happened but they said they now understand why I am the way I am. The outspoken yet quiet child. The child who always has a strong opinion and will always stand by that opinion. The child who has lived her own life without making any apologies about it. The strong child that has grown up to be the mother who talks to her kids about the hard things. They understand that my life is the way it is because I carried the burden of that awful secret all alone. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I have always wanted to share my story to help others to not go through what I have been through. I want parents to talk to their kids about the hard stuff to save them from the pain that I have gone through. I want people to be able to ask me questions about my situation and how I've made it through. I want to start a conversation that will surely help someone else. I don't want my story to be the story of you or your kids. I want to speak to people about the pain as well as the breakthrough. I want to LIVE my authentic life.

IF YOU OR ANYBODY YOU KNOW HAS BEEN A VICTIM OF SEXUAL ABUSE, PLEASE VISIT www.rainn.org OR CALL 1.800.656.HOPE(4673)

Education for Parents

2011-11-18T07:16:00.001-08:00

I recently had the opportunity to sit down with my daughter's teacher and talk to her about the education of my daughter. I was so happy, though not surprised, to hear that my daughter was doing really well in school. My daughter has always been very attentive and that has definitely extended to her education. I would love to say thank you to the teachers that has helped to shape my child's learning ability. The truth is she is in Kindergarten and I know that whatever she learns now will determine what and how she learns for the rest of her life.

Although teachers have helped to guide my child's education, I have to say that her father and I have always taught her the things that she knows. I believe that if parents are a greater part of their child's education, then the child will have a greater chance of being a very successful adult. When I was a child I loved to learn but I wanted it to come easy. As an adult, I can name every single teacher that taught me from Headstart through Senior year. Unfortunately for me, knowing all my teacher's name wasn't enough for me to become a teacher in a classroom. Instead I'm a teacher to my children. I'm their first teacher. As I sat in this Parent/Teacher meeting to get an update about how my 5 year old was handling her first year in "big school", I looked around and the room was practically empty. There were only six parents in the room including myself. For me, this was a very important meeting. The teacher was giving us an update on our kids progress. She also wanted to tell us what to expect in the next three months and what we can do to aid in our child's education.

After the meeting I started thinking about the parents who had missed out on this meeting. I thought to myself, what can be more important than this. For me, I wouldn't have missed this meeting and if I had to, I would have found a substitute for me. I'm not judging anybody but as parents we have to do much better as educators of our kids. I want more for my children than I have. I want them to be better through education. I know that teachers can not do it alone. It pains me to know that some parents care more about athletics than education; they care more about going party than participating in their child's education. Than they wonder why their kids can't spell their own name or count to 10. I'm not saying don't care about the other things but life should have some balance with education leading the pack. I understand that some parents are busy, hell I have a full time job 45 minutes from home, but you can still have balance. My daughter can read and even write a small story and she is 5 years old. She knows her numbers to 100 and the sounds of the alphabet. She knows her shapes and how to draw pictures. She has manners and loves to play with her brother and teach him everything she knows. She is a smart and beautiful little girl and her father and I and our families deserve some of the credit.

I had an epiphany after the parent meeting. Since I have become a parent, I thought my life had been boring. For the past 5 years I have basically been with my kids. I don't go clubbing (by my choice). I haven't really done anything without my kids, except the occasional R. Kelly concert. I literally thought I was such a bore. What I realized is that I have invested my life in my children's future. I have made decisions to stay in and teach them rather than hanging out and partying. What I know for sure is that I have put my kids' education above my own social life because I truly want more for them than I have. This is not about putting parents down for not attending a parent meeting. This is about opening your eyes to see that your kid's future depend on what you do right now. I'm saying that your participation in their education gives them confidence to want to do better in school. They are paying attention to everything you do, say and care about. You can change the direction of their life if you participate in their education. If you think going to a Parent/Teacher meeting is not important, think again. If you think reading them a book or helping them write their names is not important, think again. If you think listening to your kids tell a story or read a book is not important, think again. If you think wanting better for your kids is not important, think again. You are your child's first and most important teacher. They want you to guide them in the right direction. They need you to be tough on them when it comes to their education. You have to teach them more than what they learn at school so that they can be ready for this thing called life. I know this sounds cliche' but the kids are truly the future. If you don't want to be a roadblock to their success, then you need to drive the education car of their lives.

PARENTS & EDUCATION MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!!

Disgusted

2011-11-10T07:36:00.001-08:00

I am so disgusted about the madness going on at Penn State. People are rioting the fact that Joe Paterno, Head Football Coach at the University, was unfairly fired. I would have to agree with that...he should have been fired as soon as officials became aware of what happened right under his nose and with his knowledge for years. Joe Paterno is not the only person to blame in this case. Many people knew what was going on and did absolutely nothing to stop this from going on. The following is an alleged chronological order of events as reported by the Associated Press:

 {1969: Jerry Sandusky starts his coaching career at Penn State University as a defensive line coach.

1977: Jerry Sandusky founds The Second Mile. It begins as a group foster home dedicated to helping troubled boys and grows into a charity dedicated to helping children with absent or dysfunctional families.

January 1983: Associated Press voters select Penn State as college football's national champion for the 1982 season.

January 1987: Associated Press voters select Penn State as college football's national champion for the 1986 season.

1994: Boy known as Victim 7 in the report meets Sandusky through The Second Mile program at about the age of 10.

1994-95: Boy known as Victim 6 meets Sandusky at a Second Mile picnic at Spring Creek Park when he is 7 or 8 years old.

1995-96: Boy known as Victim 5, meets Sandusky through The Second Mile when he is 7 or 8, in second or third grade.

1996-97: Boy known as Victim 4, at the age of 12 or 13, meets Sandusky while he is in his second year participating in The Second Mile program.

1996-98: Victim 5 is taken to the locker rooms and showers at Penn State by Sandusky when he is 8 to 10 years old.

Jan. 1, 1998: Victim 4 is listed, along with Sandusky's wife, as a member of Sandusky's family party for the 1998 Outback Bowl.

1998: Victim 6 is taken into the locker rooms and showers when he is 11 years old. When Victim 6 is dropped off at home, his hair is wet from showering with Sandusky. His mother reports the incident to the university police, who investigate.

Detective Ronald Schreffler testifies that he and State College Police Department Detective Ralph Ralston, with the consent of the mother of Victim 6, eavesdrop on two conversations the mother of Victim 6 has with Sandusky. Sandusky says he has showered with other boys and Victim 6's mother tries to make Sandusky promise never to shower with a boy again but he will not. At the end of the second conversation, after Sandusky is told he cannot see Victim 6 anymore, Schreffler testifies Sandusky says, ''I understand. I was wrong. I wish I could get forgiveness. I know I won't get it from you. I wish I were dead.''

Jerry Lauro, an investigator with the Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare, testifies he and Schreffler interviewed Sandusky, and that Sandusky admits showering naked with Victim 6, admits to hugging Victim 6 while in the shower and admits that it was wrong.

The case is closed after then-Centre County District Attorney Ray Gricar decides there will be no criminal charge.

June 1999: Sandusky retires from Penn State but still holds emeritus status.

Dec. 28, 1999: Victim 4 is listed, along with Sandusky's wife, as a member of Sandusky's family party for the 1999 Alamo Bowl.

Summer 2000: Boy known as Victim 3 meets Sandusky through The Second Mile when he is between seventh and eighth grade.

Fall 2000: A janitor named James Calhoun observes Sandusky in the showers of the Lasch Football Building with a young boy, known as Victim 8, pinned up against the wall, performing oral sex on the boy. He tells other janitorial staff immediately. Fellow Office of Physical Plant employee Ronald Petrosky cleans the showers at Lasch and sees Sandusky and the boy, who he describes as being between the ages of 11 and 13.

March 1, 2002: A Penn State graduate assistant enters the locker room at the Lasch Football Building. In the showers, he sees a naked boy, known as Victim 2, whose age he estimates to be 10 years old, being subjected to anal intercourse by a naked Sandusky. The graduate assistant tells his father immediately.

March 2, 2002: In the morning, the graduate assistant calls Coach Joe Paterno and goes to Paterno's home, where he reports what he has seen.

March 3, 2002: Paterno calls Tim Curley, Penn State Athletic Director to his home the next day and reports a version of what the grad assistant had said.

March 2002: Later in the month the graduate assistant is called to a meeting with Curley and Senior Vice President for Finance and Business Gary Schultz. The grad assistant reports what he has seen and Curley and Schultz say they will look into it.

March 27, 2002 (approximate): The graduate assistant hears from Curley. He is told that Sandusky's locker room keys are taken away and that the incident has been reported to The Second Mile. The graduate assistant is never questioned by university police and no other entity conducts an investigation until the graduate assistant testifies in Grand Jury in December 2010.

2005-06: Boy known as Victim 1 says that meets Sandusky through The Second Mile at age 11 or 12.

Spring 2007: During the 2007 track season, Sandusky begins spending time with Victim 1 weekly, having him stay overnight at his residence in College Township, Pa.

Spring 2008: Termination of contact with Victim 1 occurs when he is a freshman in a Clinton County high school. After the boy's mother calls the school to report sexual assault, Sandusky is barred from the school district attended by Victim 1 from that day forward and the matter is reported to authorities as mandated by law.

Early 2009: An investigation by the Pennsylvania attorney general begins when a Clinton County, Pa. teen boy tells authorities that Sandusky has inappropriately touched him several times over a four-year period.

September 2010: Sandusky retires from day-to-day involvement with The Second Mile, saying he wants to spend more time with family and handle personal matters.

Nov. 5, 2011: Sandusky is arrested and released on $100,000 bail after being arraigned on 40 criminal counts.

Nov. 7, 2011: Pennsylvania Attorney General Linda Kelly says Paterno is not a target of the investigation into how the school handled the accusations. But she refuses to say the same for university President Graham Spanier. Curley and Schultz, who have stepped down from their positions, surrender on charges that they failed to alert police to complaints against Sandusky.

Nov. 8, 2011: Possible ninth victim of Sandusky contacts state police as calls for ouster of Paterno and Spanier grow in state and beyond. Penn State abruptly cancels Paterno's regular weekly press conference.

Nov. 9, 2011: Paterno and Spanier, one of the nation's longest-serving college presidents, are ousted, effective immediately. Earlier in the day, Paterno announced he'd retire at the end of the season. In the end, he didn't have that choice.}**

This is the most disturbing piece of information. I can only imagine how many of kids didn't tell anybody what was going on out of fear. These kids were not protected. Instead every adult involved in this entire mess protected the predator. He sexually abused little boys that he was suppose to help to be better men. And while this was going on, he was allowed to be participate in a charity that kept bringing little boys around him so that he can victimize. Everyone involved failed these kids in the worst way.

I don't know any of these people but I do know they entertained a man who continued to abuse little boys and they knew exactly what he was and had been doing for years. They hold as much blame as the Predator because they could have stopped countless children from enduring this life long pain. These kids trusted this man and the adults in their lives and they were betrayed in the worst way. On top of being victims of sexual abuse, they now have to live knowing that more people care about the coach, that knew what was going and said nothing, than they care about what happened to forever change the course of their lives.

The sad thing is we all know someone who is or has been a victim of child sexual abuse and most of us have done nothing to help the kids. We sit in our homes and say absolutely nothing when we know that abuse is going on against a child. Instead of saying something to protect the kids, we say nothing and protect these vicious predators. I am so disgusted by this story but this story is going on in every neighborhood in this country. If you think you are blameless you couldn't be more wrong. If you know that adults are having sex with kids and you say nothing, you are a part of the problem of child sexual abuse. If a child is between the ages of 0-15 years of age they can not legally consent to sex with an adult 17 years or older. Not only is it a crime, it is also disgusting.

I know there are plenty of people who will read this and think why I am concerned. I say to you, these are kids and I have kids. Kids who will one day become adults and what happens to them as kids will ultimately affect their lives as adults. My questions to you are...Why are you not concerned? and Are you a part of the problem or will you be the solution? Saving one child from abuse can save millions. If you or someone you know is a victim of child sexual abuse please visit www.rainn.org or call 1-800-656-HOPE. You can save the life of a child.

** report by the Associated Press.

Help The Young Ones

2011-10-17T11:46:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and my twitter timeline was all abuzz about a 14 year old girl giving oral sex near her school. Sadly to say I was not shocked that this was going on but what I was shocked about was there was apparent video of the sexual act posted on this social networking site. I couldn't believe that people actually wanted to see this. In fact, I was disgusted. I would never watch a sexually explicit video if it is presumed that either party is under the age of 18 (legal adult). If you would, I just want to warn you that you would be watching child porn.

I would like to address several things about this entire situation. First, she is 14 years old and she is a child. She obviously needs to seek counseling either from her parents or some kind of adult figure and not publicly humiliated. The unfortunate thing is that she is not the only young person that is going through something like this. This little girl, like so many others, is being sexually abused and for us to sit around and not speak up for her is shameful. I don't know this little girl but we all know a young person who is having sex. It's so easy for us to sit around and live our lives and not worry about the next generation. If you would go to a school and ask the kids, of all ages, how many of them are or have been sexually active, the answer may or may not surprise you but it should wake you up. We are living in a world that glorifies sex and instead of educating these kids, we are letting these kids educate themselves. THEY ARE FAILING AND SO ARE WE. I know some of you will say it's not our problem to talk to these kids but I would have to disagree with you. If we don't tell them the hard truth then we will not only see a rise in STD cases and pregnancies but also in death among our teenagers.

It has to be said that I don't know this child's story but the fact that she is apparently performing sexual acts near her school makes me want to question her parents. Where in the heck are the parents while your child is participating in such adult behavior? I understand that you can't be in all places but this begins at home. I'm a new parent and I worry about my kids even when I know exactly where they are and who they are with. That will not stop for me because it will always be my responsibility to know where they are until they are adults and out of my home. I am not naive to think the kids don't lie and sneak around. I was a teenager and I had teenage friends. I just knew that sex was not an option at that age. Kissing, hugging and hand holding was fine but having sex was not on my radar because I had someone to talk to about sex. Parents assume talking to their kids about sex will encourage them to have it. I believe that it is opposite. Your kids are learning about sex whether from you or someone but trust me they are learning. They want to know what sex is all about and if you are not willing to tell them they will find another source. I have never been afraid to talk about sex. When I was 14, I read plenty of books about sex and I saw plenty of images about sex but I didn't have sex until I felt I was ready for the responsibility that sex will surely bring. My friends and I talked about sex but we made our own decisions about when to have it. I have never let anything my friends did influence my decision because I knew that I had parents to answer to. I was, by no means, a perfect teenager. I just didn't let pressures of my peers affect my choices.

There is also that fact that the little girl is not the only person that was in the video. There was a boy who was on the receiving end of the oral sex and a group of kids who was watching. This is not okay. Sadly, the young boy will probably be the "big man on campus" while the girl is perceived as a whore, slut or nasty. They are equally responsible for what is wrong with our youth today. The boy should be reprimanded just as much as the girl. I mean he participated in the act and he needs to be talked to by an adult. What's really going on when something like this is going on in front of a group of kids and not one of them speak up against it.

The worst part about this whole thing is the fact that adults have viewed the video and actually blamed the girl. They talked about what kind of shoes she was wearing. They talked about the actual act that she performed. They seem to have fail to realize that they have committed a serious crime. Child pornography is a crime punishable by imprisonment and having to register as a sex offender. Instead of watching a video, you should try and talk to a teenager about sex and what can happen if you put yourself in situations like this. These are kids and although they need to be punished for bad behavior they need to seek counseling so that the behavior does not continue. I would never watch a video if I even suspect the person performing a sexual act is underage. Not only is it a crime, but it is disgusting.

I Speak Thoughts

What's In A Word

2011-10-04T13:44:00.000-07:00

What's in a word? I have always loved words. I love to read and educate myself through words. I believe that words have an undeniable power. The fact that people can use words either to help or hurt another person shows the power of words. Words can be used to comfort someone or to spread hate. Sometimes a word hits harder than any fist could. I have been told, by more than one person, that I am serious. When I initially heard the word it made me upset because I know the meaning of the word and I wondered why anyone would say that I was serious. I think I'm mature but serious, I just couldn't wrap my mind around that. I think I can be reserved but being serious just wouldn't register for me. I have realized that maybe I am a little serious but initially, I must admit, I was upset. I think I understood that serious is not just a word to me, it is what people think about me. That's how powerful words are and can be.

As I listen to the news, read twitter and facebook posts, I know the power of words all too well. There have been barrage of words aimed at the President since he first started his campaign for office. He has been called words that no other president has ever had to endure but black people have been hearing our entire lives. That fact alone proves the power in words. Word are lasting. They can shift the way you view others and yourself. Words can end relationships and begin alliances. Words can tear families apart and destroy marriages. I love words so much that I rarely use what they call "text talk". I just like saying and spelling the word in it's entirety. I have such a fascination with words that if I see a word I don't know, I will actually look it up in a dictionary and try to use it in a sentence. I think the relationship I have with words have been because of several great teachers I had beginning in Headstart.

The power of words transcend to every human emotion. I have to say certain words that I have used in the past I no longer use. I have a passion for words and to use words that have a deep history with hate, I have no reason to use. With that being said, I do not use that word that begins with the letter N and carries an extreme history of hate to describe or converse with anyone. I would like to say that no matter how you use it or when and with whom you use that word carries too much hate to ignore. I have used the word in the past but after listening to testimonies from black people who have been deeply affected by the word, I made a very conscious and easy decision never to use the word again. I have to confess...when I hear the word it upsets me. I think the new generation of people have decided to ignore the power behind that word. It doesn't matter what you say about taking power over a word with such hate, it does not negate the fact where the word was born. It was born out of hate and changing the spelling does not transfer the power. It has to be said that when black people use the word in the presence of people of a different race, especially white people, not only do you disrespect your ancestors but you release the power you THINK you have over the word. The discussion could be long and have many different points of views but, for me, I can find plenty of other words to use without even thinking about using that one.

I do think that the connotation in which a word is used plays a major role in any conversation. We are all different people so there is always a possibility that we will interpret words differently. You have to be willing to listen and hear what someone is saying. We need to understand that they way speak words are direct reflection of who we are. I hate it when someone says, "you're talking white" or "you're talking black". There is absolutely no such thing as talking a certain race. The way you use words can have an effect on the way people treat you. I like the fact that I can use my words the same way with any person I speak to. I like the fact that I don't have to use elaborate words to prove anything to anyone. But don't think because I don't use the words all the time, that I have no idea what they mean...I'm just saying!! I challenge everyone just to simply think about what words you choose to use before you speak them.

What's in a word? POWER

I Speak Thoughts

Music Connects

2011-09-30T08:21:00.000-07:00

I consider myself a music connoisseur . I love music and the way it has the ability to make me feel. Music is the one thing we all have in common. It can bring you from a place of darkness to the possibility of light. It can make you feel good even when you feel so bad. It can put you in the mood to be with someone special. It can make you realize that you don't want to be with the person you are with. Music lends it's voice to life issues. Music bridges together the old and the young, black and white, rich and poor, even democrats and republicans. We all share a love of music.

For me, I am a R & B woman. My favorite artist is R. Kelly. I think he is a great musical genius of my time. He is for me what Marvin Gaye was to my parents. He breaths life into his music and leaves it open for interpretation. He has the ability to sing songs like Down Low and Trade In My Life and put them on the same album. Not only can he sing the hell out of a song but he has been blessed with the ability to write great songs for others to sing. I love the way I feel when I'm listening to the melodies and hearing the words. I can go on and on about the genius that is R. Kelly but I won't.

Like I said, I am a R & B woman. I love the music of the 50's, 60's and 70's. I love this era of music because of their abilities to embrace their struggles through song. They sang songs that spoke out against what they were going through. The men sang about treating a woman like a queen. The women sang about being in love with the strengths of the man. They came together for the benefit of everyone. History books tell us that behind the scenes that had drug and martial problems but you would have never known that listening to the music.

I must say though I am partial to R & B, I have been known to listen to every other musical genre. Music has surely changed. Men call women bitches and hoes while women decide to dance in their videos. I really don't like the direction that music has taken but I understand. Times will always change so I'm hoping that musical history will repeat itself. I guess what I'm trying to say is I am not a fan of rap. I don't like the idea that men call women out of their names and women are so quick to answer. Since when did that become okay. Music is interpretative so I'm pretty sure there is going to be people who disagree but I'm not going to listen to music that speaks so negatively about me as a Black Woman. These rappers talking about drugs, fancy cars (that they don't even own), big houses (that belong to the record executive) and other rappers (that are doing the same thing they're doing). Seriously, STOP THAT!!! The people of the 50's, 60's and 70's may not have had a lot but they made music to make you feel good. That's just my opinion. The reason I think music connects us more than anything else is because it's an art. I love music because it gives me something to think about all the time.

Music comes from experience. I can't like every song because I can't relate to every song. Music moves me. It gives me ideas. It educates me. It speaks directly to me. Music often echoes my feelings without anyone knowing. I love music because it connects us all.

I Speak Thoughts

Justice or Just-Us

2011-09-22T09:17:00.000-07:00

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

Martin Luther King Jr., Letter from Birmingham Jail, April 16, 1963
US black civil rights leader & clergyman (1929 - 1968)

Let's be honest, we have given up on the Justice System. A system that has been built on the death of black men and women. A system that works for the rich and against the poor. A system that murders the innocent and frees the guilty. A system that hinders instead of helps. A system that teaches our kids that Justice is For All while justice is racially motivated and class distinct. Let's be honest, the Pledge of Allegiance is a lie perpetuated by the government and taught to our children in school. The United States Constitution was written by a group of men, most of, who proudly owned slaves. We live in a place called the United States of America and we are everything except united.

I am trying to understand how we, as a people, can sit around and do nothing when we see injustice happening. We have been a witness to the injustices of this nation and yet we don't speak up until something huge happens. I, like so many other people, did not know who Troy Davis was until about 2 weeks ago. When I heard about his legal situation, I begin to research his case. It's sad to say but nothing about the outcome shocks me. Troy Davis was a black man in 1989 living in the south. He didn't have a lot of money and was only represented by a Legal Aid Attorney. For those not familiar with Legal Aid Attorneys I'll tell you who they are. They are lawyers who get paid by the state to represent you in a legal matter. Because they are paid by the state they are not given much time or money to provide you with the best representation that should be afforded to you as a citizen of the United States. Anyway, Troy Davis was convicted of killing and off duty police officer and sentenced to death, all based on eyewitness testimony. In the past 20 years since he's been on Death Row, 7 out of the 9 eyewitnesses who testified against him have recanted their original testimony. One of the remaining 2 witnesses is a man who allegedly, confessed to the crime to many of the people at the scene of the actual crime. With all of this reasonable doubt, the State of Georgia executed Troy Davis at 11:08 EST on September 21, 2011. I'm not saying that Troy Davis was innocent but I do believe that he should have been given the chance to prove, beyond any reasonable doubt, that he was. Like I said, I am not shocked about the events surrounding this case because this is not the first time a person has been "murdered" by our justice system and if we don't lend our voices to the injustice, it will not be the last.

My heart goes out to the family of Officer Mark MacPhail. I don't know what they have endured over the past 20 years and I pray for them. Last night while I was watching and interview with the mother of Officer MacPhail, I actually felt disgusted that a woman who lost her son so tragically could say that another mother's son deserved to die. Death is so final. Death does not bring another person back. Death is not the answer. I do not believe in Capital Punishment for any reason because I am not God. There is no person or persons who should have so much control of another person's life. I believe that EVERY person has the right to redemption. I also believe there is no timeframe for that redemption. I believe that people, know matter what they have done, can be saved by God. Who are you to say that a person should or should not die?

Yes, the events that surrounded the case of Troy Davis should be an eye-opener to every person who calls themselves free. I hope this opens the hearts and minds to ALL people. Freedom is not free and it comes at a high price.

#RIPTROYDAVIS
#RIPMARKMACPHAIL

Rest in Peace to those people who lives should not be in vain.

I Speak Thought

Childhood Memories

2011-09-20T08:28:00.000-07:00

I have a date this evening!! I am so excited about my date!! I can't wait to get home, dress in something nice and go on my date!! We're not going very far. In fact, we're not leaving the house. Tonight, A'jamaani has invited me to join her for a tea party!! I'm pretty sure Jamaal and Drake are going to join us and I absolutely can't wait!!

What is your favorite memory about your childhood? I always think about my memories from my childhood and the impact on those memories. I wonder if my parents ever thought about the memories I would have. I must say, it's the one constant thing on my mind as I raise my children. I wonder what my kids will say when asked the question as an adult. My favorite childhood memories are clear. I loved all the time I spent with my parents and my sister and brothers. It's funny, I can't remember the clothes or shoes. I can't remember the over the top birthday parties. Those things does not have an impact on my life today. However, I do remember my mom and my sister teaching me to ride a bike. I remember my mom's face when I finally did it on my own. It's a memory that lives in my mind. I remember my dad bringing home the best goodies from his job and letting us really enjoy them. I remember my sister bringing me to the school ground and letting me skate with her and her friends. I remember the baseball summers and the bike club. I remember the barbeques and crawfish boils when my parents were throwing down on the food. I remember Saturday mornings with my sister and brothers. I have all these memories and for some reason I can't remember the "stuff".

As a parent, I hope to help create the same memories for my children. I want them to remember the times we spend together not the amount of money I spent on them. I want them to remember story time and tea parties. I want them to remember learning to ride their bikes. I want them to remember the road trips that we take and how much fun we have singing in the car. I want them to remember all the times I went to their schools just to check in on them. I want them too remember how involved we are in their education. I want them to remember this because I know the impact of these kinds of memories.

So many parents are really friends with their kids. They think their kids are going to remember all the toys they bought them. They think their children will remember the new phone they gave them. They think their children will remember that brand new pair of shoes. They think they can buy their children's love as a child and when their children become adults the children will remember all the things. I love to be the bearer of this news: your children will not remember any of that stuff. What your children will remember is if your face lit up every time they entered a room. They will remember their favorite book that you read to them. They will remember you cheering them on for getting an A on a test or a smiley face on their homework. If you think you have to buy their love now then I can assure you will be in debt to their love later. Look at your life and the foundation it has been built on. You can always tell the kind of parents someone had by the way the raise their children. I know some things about the way you raise your children will change but if the foundation is strong then you will value the time you have with your children.

I know so many parents who have spent more money on their children than they have spent time. It's a sad thing but the reality is very real. I'm not saying I'm the best parent but I am saying that I would rather spend 10 quality minutes a day with my children that to spend $1,000 on something that holds no value to a child. So again I ask, What is your favorite memory about your childhood? If you are honest with yourself about your childhood then you will probably notice the impact you are having on your children. Just as a test to yourself, do something that you know will be create more of an impact to the memory of your children's childhood.

I know so many parents who are creating the best memories for their children. To you, I say, keep doing what you're doing and maybe we can be the parents who change the world for the better. If we continue to raise our children with positive minds then we will create a cycle of happier children. So while I'm enjoying my tea party with my kids this evening, I will make a toast to Happy Memories!!!!

I Speak Thoughts

Change Is Coming

2011-09-16T09:25:00.000-07:00

Doing the same thing you've always done and expecting a different outcome.----Definition of Insanity

Lately I have been thinking about my future and the future of my family and I realized I want more out of this life. I want my children to receive the best education. I want to be the best mom to them and partner to Drake. I want to do all the things I dreamed of doing when I was my younger self. I would love to have financial independence and fulfill my passion of writing. Like I said I have been thinking about it. Well today I have decided that just thinking about it is not enough. It is time to put my thoughts into action.

I am ready to live my best life, which includes losing weight. It's time to get healthy. For the first time in my life I'm thinking about losing the weight just for me. There was a time that I wanted to lose weight to fit into pretty clothes. I wanted to lose the weight to have better sex. I wanted to lose weight to be able to run outside with my children. All of this is great but I never wanted to lose weight for me. It's always been for someone else. I realized that my thought process is what has kept me from losing the weight. I'm absolutely ready to be healthy and make huge sacrifices to change my life. I'm focused on making a difference.

Living my best life also includes following my passions. As you can probably tell, I love writing and I'm confident I'm good at it. I love talking to people and I love to give advice. Those are my passions and I feel my breakthrough coming.

My life is in the midst of change and I'm proud to say I have a great support system. So to all who support me, thank you and I love you. I'm doing this so that I can be the best me when I'm in your presence. I'm striving to be my authentic self. There may come a time when you disagree with my decisions, please understand that any decision I make will be out of the abundance and prayer. The decisions I make will be for the benefit of my relationship with Drake and my children. I promise you that I will not make any decisions that have not been given much prayer and consideration. All I ask is that you continue to love, support and pray for us. I know what you may be thinking, are they leaving? My answer to that is maybe or maybe not. The reason I'm writing this is to let you know that I am very happy because I'm starting to realize the possibilities. I want you guys to know that I love and respect you and I wanted to share with you the idea of my new journey.

Now that I have given you a brief synopsis, I know I can count on you to be there for me when I need you. I want you all to know that I will always be there when you need me. I will always be honest with you and I hope you will always be honest with me!!!

I Speak Thoughts

Interracial Relationships

2011-09-12T09:35:00.000-07:00

I was having a conversation with someone very close to me about interracial relationships. The person I was having the conversation with asked how I felt about them and my answer was quick and honest...it doesn't bother me at all. The fact that this is even a question had me thinking about the idea of dating someone of a different race. It's absolutely true, interracial relationships do not bother me but if I'm being honest, I am bothered by the type of person who gets involved in interracial relationships. I have had my own experience with interracial dating, which may surprise some people. Let me be clear, I love black men and I love the idea of black on black love. I'm just not opposed to someone dating outside of their race. Now back to what bothers me about interracial relationships. I have been a witness to so many black men who decide for themselves that black women are not who they want to be with. Although I don't understand how they group all black women in the category, therefore not wanting to date any, is beyond me. So they don't want a black woman who is very strong, fiercely independent and has a strong personality (so I've heard), they do however want a woman that will be overly submissive and caters to them at the drop of dime. That's fine, if that's the type of woman that he is attracted to I really don't have a problem with that. My problem is that they chose a white woman who has immersed herself so deep in the black culture, that she has completely turned her back on her entire race. If a person; black or white, hispanic or asian can turn their backs on their own race, imagine what they can do to a different race. That is my problem. My problem has never been about race or the joining together of races. It has always been the idea that someone would much rather share time and space with a person who can so quickly dismiss an entire race of people, their own race.

I am speaking on my own behalf but I'm sure other black women may share this with me; most of the black men, I know personally, I would never date. Them going out and dating a woman of a different race is of no consequence to me. I'm not saying that every white woman is bad for every black man, that would be a false assumption. I'm saying that the black men that I have had the pleasure of having a conversation with, have told me that they want a woman who is submissive. They want a woman who will never challenge their identities as men. They want a woman who will have their dinner ready for them when he gets home form work. They want a woman who will go out and make her own money so that she is not completely dependent on his finances. The problem is there are plenty of black woman who actually have all of these requests but black men have decided they don't have time wonder if this black woman will "qualify" for the title of girlfriend or wife, when they know that a white woman will. I know what you are thinking and you may be right. You are thinking that is a very bad stereotype to place on a white woman. Guess what, I've never dated a white woman, so I don't know whether it is just a stereotype. I've actually spoken to plenty of men, both black and white, that have dated and married white women, and these are their words.

I can only speak for myself, as a woman who is black, I would never trade my strength, independence or personality for a man. I would never change who I am to please any person. I love me the way I am and the man who wants to be with, black, white hispanic or asian, would have to accept that fact. I am in a great relationship but if I were not I would not limit myself to black men. Black women have limited themselves to a certain type of man for so long, that we may have passed on a great man just because of his skin tone. There is secret that I didn't know, men of other races really like black woman they're just intimidated by what they heard about us. So black women, if you are single and looking for a new guy, don't limit yourself. Try something new and different. Open yourselves up to a variety of men. And white women, if you are going continue black men, remember you can still be strong, independent and keep your same personality, if he wants to be with you he will be with you but you shouldn't have to change who you are for him. And men, all of you, choose a woman who will lift you up. Choose a woman who is strong, independent and has a strong personality, you will never what she will or won't do for and with you, if you are only looking at her skin.

I Speak Thoughts

Insecurities

2011-09-06T11:10:00.000-07:00

I must admit that I have had many insecurities. It's easy to be insecure when you feel that no one looks at or listens to you. I have always felt like people didn't really want to know how I was feeling. Of course , they said they would listen and help but what does that really mean? It didn't mean anything to me. I knew that no matter what anybody said or done, my mind was already made up because of the moments of my life that held a broken trust. My insecurities had consumed the life I planned for myself. I didn't trust people, including those who were closest to me. I had my guard so high and to be honest it's just now starting to come down. The idea of letting people in is scary for me. There are things about me that are too painful to share.

So for me, my insecurities extend back as far I can remember. When I was a little girl I felt different. I mean I grew up with a sister who was older, skinnier, smarter, athletic and had more friends than I did. I mean growing up in a home where you feel you will always be treated as second best can bring on so many insecurities. I'm not blaming anyone for my insecurities because they are my feelings about myself. I am saying that when you are not told you are beautiful or smart, you start to think the worst about yourself. On top of not being told those things, I was often told that I was fat. That word is such a small word but it can have the biggest impact on a person, young or old. My insecurities didn't just one day go away. In fact, I am still dealing with some of them at this very moment in my life. The difference now is I am not letting them hold my happiness hostage. I'm not letting them get in the way of love. I'm certainly not taking my insecurities out on my children. I promised myself that when I had children, I would fill them with kisses and hugs. I would tell them how beautiful and handsome they were. I would let them know how smart they are so the insecurities I felt would not affect them in the same way they have, for so many years, affected me. And I do all of those things for my children.

So often we forget that people have feelings that are different from our own. We think everybody should feel the way we feel about certain situations. Before you judge someone about how they feel, maybe you should talk to them, they may share insight on why they feel the way they feel. I'm not ashamed of my feelings of insecurity because I am working through them. I don't like it when people talk about other people and they have no idea what that person has been through. I can always tell when a person is insecure with themselves. They are always talking about other people's insecurities as if they are getting paid. It's probably true what they say about the loudest person in the room.

I am a stronger woman because of those same insecurities. For me, some of the insecurities have turned into great blogs. But if I'm being honest, and I am, I'm the type of person who loves to hear positive things. I accept constructive criticism if I feel it's coming from a place of love. I love for someone to tell me that I have helped them with my words. I like for someone to tell me that I helped them make a more meaningful decision. It's not that I'm insecure, I'm human. We all want someone to recognize us for the good and positive things we do. I always wish that more people would recognize when I'm at a place when I just need to talk about what I'm feeling. I am a quiet person so when I say things please know that it is coming from a place of love.

Disclaimer: I love to give advice because usually the advice I give helps myself. I think I'm selfish in that way!!

I Speak Thoughts

Dear Love

2011-08-26T12:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Love,

I'm so glad I have you in my life. You have truly opened my eyes to the possibilities.You have always been around me but I could never really appreciate you. You see, there is no one who can tell me how to use you. I have learned to use you for my own selfish reasons. I use you to show my children who God is. I use you to show my life partner (Drake) that whatever he goes through I go through. I use you to show my family and friends that, with you, everything will be okay. But Love, so many people don't understand you. They think you are surrounded by jealousy and abuse. They think you are wrapped up in sheets while covering their naked bodies. Love they don't understand that you are born of feelings that can't be explained nor taken for granted. They think you are just a word to toss around without feelings. They somehow get you confused with sex. They really don't know about all the wonderful things you have been able to do. They can't see the lives you are responsible for changing.

Oh my dearest love, I wish everyone could experience your joy. I wish people would just take their time and get to know you. I wish they would welcome you instead of just letting you sit outside of their proverbial doors. I wish they wouldn't be so afraid of you because of what happened in their past. Love, do you mind just showing them that there is still room for you in their lives if they just open that door. I know I'm asking for a lot, but sometimes I wish you would knock some people off their feet. I hope that you would just show up unannounced and introduce them to a better life. I know what you're thinking, some people just aren't ready to let you take over but for me, just this once, sneak up from behind them and break into their hearts. You know, let them look someone they really like into the eyes and get a view of their soul. I mean, love, if anything can do that, you can. Well love, I must say, it's always good talking you and of course you will hear from me later, but for now I'll just watch as you take over the lives of the people I truly adore.

                                                                                                                    For Always & Forever
                                                                                                                    Your Humble Servant

                                                                                                                    Erica R. Campbell

Power of Forgiveness

2011-08-18T11:51:00.000-07:00

Forgiveness is defined as the act of excusing a mistake or offense; compassionate feelings that support a willingness to forgive. So many times when forgive someone we see it as an attack of our own pride. When we view it as an attack we don't realize that we really haven't forgiven. One of the hardest things to do is forgive yourself for the things you have done. It is so hard, in fact, most of us do not forgive ourselves. We may say that we have but the way we live our lives prove that we haven't.

I think that oftentimes we feel a weakness for giving ourselves permission to forgive someone who has hurt us. We allow the mistake or offense to become a bigger part of our lives than necessary. We conduct our lives differently because of what someone else has done to us. If you think about all the things someone has said and done to you, you may realize that you are living your life according to what was said and done. You have given them direct power over your life... a power they may never realize they have. They now control your thoughts about yourself and others. They control how you live your life.

"I, even I, am he who blots out
your transgressions, for my own sake,
and remembers your sins no more.

Review the past for me,
let us argue the matter together;
state the case for your innocence."
Isaiah 43:25-26

Forgiveness frees you. It makes you whole again. It allows you to live the life that God has blessed you with. It's not always easy to forgive but I believe in taking the road less traveled. There is something about forgiveness that makes me smile. Forgiveness gives me a new light. Every time I forgive someone I take a little bit of my power back. Forgiveness opens you up to new possibilities.. So for me, I will forgive.

I forgive you for calling me anything other than my name. I forgive me for answering to it. I forgive you for cheating on me. I forgive me for thinking that it was my fault. I forgive you for saying I would never amount to anything. I forgive me for believing it. I forgive you for not being there for me. I forgive me for taking that pain into my life. I forgive you for everything you have done to me. I forgive me for everything I have done to myself.

I feel so much better. I'm holding my head higher. My heart is no longer heavy. My future is already brighter. Look at what the power of forgiveness can do!!!

I Speak Thoughts

I Almost Gave Up

2011-08-11T13:09:00.000-07:00

There have been so many trials in my life that I have almost given up. I thought I couldn't handle the moments when my life seemed so difficult. I thought I wasn't worthy of love. I have shielded my feelings about my self from everyone so that I would not become their burden. I talked to God in hopes of getting immediate answers and when I didn't get the answers, I almost gave up. I have always been told that God doesn't make mistakes but somehow I thought that I must have been the one exception to that rule. I couldn't help to think of all the bad decisions that I had made that changed the direction of my life. I felt like every time I tried to move forward some force field would just knock me backward.

My journey of bad decisions started when I was a very young girl, from the moment I discovered that everyone who says they love you really don't mean it. My life seemed to be outlined with bad decisions. I have always felt that I was a good person but the outline did not mirror my feelings about myself. Somehow I think that I put so much pressure on myself to be all things for all people, that I forgot that I was only one person.

In the past five years what I realize is that I have grown so much. After the birth of my children I realized that I could no longer live a life outlined by only bad decisions. I realized that there had been so many good decisions. With every decision I made God was ever present. He has been the guide through the story of my life. I know for sure that every decision that I made has been navigated by God. I say I almost gave up because I'm still here letting God lead me. I know that every decision that I have been blessed to make has been to my benefit. From the bad financial decisions to the better financial decisions. From the bad relationship mistakes to the great relationship moments. From the way I discipline my children to the sparkle they bring to my eye. Every solitary decision has been made through the conversations that I have had with God.

I could admit that sometimes I refused to let God lead and it has been those times when I almost gave up. Just when I thought that I couldn't live with another bad decision, God stepped in and carried me through. It's true, what I have been told, he may not come when you want him but he'll be there right on time. I feel his presence everyday. I see him through the eyes of my children. I hear him through the voice of my mother and grandmother. I feel him in my spirit. I'm honest to say that I haven't talked to God as often as I need to but I know he's standing by waiting for the voice he has given me to call his name. I no longer have to hide behind my fear of bad decisions. I am willing to ask God for the things I want and need and to accept whatever he gives whenever he gives it. I truly understand that no person can take anything from me because they didn't give anything to me. God places people in your life for a reason. You may not know the reason right now but with every moment that reason will be revealed. Only God has the power to give and take. He will never give me anything that is meant for someone else. And he has all power to take from me what he has given me. So I say again, I almost gave up because I thought the things I had were a direct reflection of God's love for me. What I realize is that I, not things, am direct reflection of God's love. He leads, I follow. I knock, he opens. He gives, I take. I pray, he blesses. There may be other times when I almost give up and when that time comes I will kneel down.