Into The Ibyss

Liverpool v Manchester United - A Secret Shame.

2012-01-27T08:04:00.010Z

Due to the absurd amount of football we have access to, I think I can safely say that if you are a follower of the beautiful game (and if you are reading this I assume you would be otherwise what the hell are you doing here? ...Go on, shoo!) then you have certainly been spoiled this week. On Sunday, we saw Manchester City host Tottenham and Arsenal take on Manchester United. In midweek, Liverpool hosted Manchester City in the Carling Cup semi final second leg. Further afield, the glutton for big games was satiated even more as Barcelona and Real Madrid renewed pleasantries yet again in the Copa Del Rey quarter final second leg – The highlight of which was this:

....Not the goal, but Carlos Puyol’s faceplant. Classic Fail.

And as all that wasn’t enough, this weekend sees the country’s two biggest clubs square off in England’s very own Classico as Liverpool welcome Manchester United to Anfield in the FA Cup fourth round.

A wee history lesson: Merseyside versus Manchester is actually a feud that transcends football and dates back to the late 1800s when the two cities competed as two of Britain's industrial powerhouses. Liverpool was famed for its Port until the Mancs went and built their own rival Ship Canal. This led to a drop in trade for Liverpool and many job loses giving rise to the resentment between the two cities.

It would be a number of years before that resentment manifested itself on the pitch. In the late 1960s Liverpool, under the guidance of the legendary Bill Shankly began to build an empire that would dominate English football for the next two decades. As we entered the 1990s, they were most decorated club in the land with a record 18 domestic league titles, numerous cup wins and the honour of being crowned champions of Europe on no less than four occasions. A fifth European title was added in 2005.

As Liverpool were running things, Manchester United sat firmly in the shade of their North West rivals until the late 1980s when one Alex Ferguson rode into town, famously vowed to ‘knock Liverpool of their fucking perch’ and duly did so. When United won the inaugural Premier League title in 1993, that took their total number of league wins to 8. A banner was unfurled at Anfield a year later declaring that United should come back when they’ve won 18. Little did they know that baiting would come back to bite them in the arse.

United racked up championship after championship during the 90s and noughties while Liverpool floundered. In 2009, the two clubs went head-to-head in the league but United piped it at the post to make it 18-18. Last season, Ferguson won his 12th league title as a manager and United’s 19th in total. They don’t even make plates big enough for the slices of humble pie being served up. The since honoured ‘Sir’ Alex also won two European cups taking United up to three in total. This isn’t a Liverpool fan on the planet who isn’t crapping themselves at the prospect of United catching them up in this department too.

Needless to say, the rivalry has intensified during this period of United dominance. Hooliganism between the two clubs was rife during the 70s and 80s and even today sections of both set of fans can be found making obscene chants and gestures about the respective tragedies that have befallen the two sides. The number of on-pitch clashes and talking points have been plentiful. The most recent being the racism controversy between United’s Patrice Evra and Liverpool’s Luis Suarez following the two clubs’ last meeting in October. The latter received an 8 game ban after being found guilty of abusing the former and the whole sorry saga has not only dragged the game through the mud but also spat in its face, kicked it in the crotch and dragged it through the mud one more time for good measure - A truly embarrassing situation particularly for Liverpool Football Club and their shocking handling of the whole affair.

Anyway, if you want to read more on that subject then I’ll point you in the direction of EVERYWHERE ON THE INTERNET!!!

Of course, this wasn’t the first major controversy to take place between the two clubs.

A Good Friday clash on April 2nd 1915 saw the two sides square off at Old Trafford in the final game of the season. In a scenario that is almost unthinkable today, United were battling to avoid relegation from the First Division while Liverpool were nothing more than an average mid-table outfit. The home side ran out 2-0 winners to avoid falling through the dreaded trap door at the expense of Tottenham, who ended the season bottom of the table, and Chelsea who finished second bottom.

A team scrapping for their lives beating a team meandering towards an unremarkable final league position of 13th was hardly surprising. However, suspicion arose when Liverpool firstly missed a penalty that would have halved the deficit and then publicly having a go at their own player Fred Pagnam when hit a shot against the United crossbar late on.

When the bookies noticed that they would have to pay out on an unusually large number of bets laid on that exact 2-0 scoreline which was priced at 7/1, they figured something was amiss. Suspicion was aroused further upon the discovery of leaflets circulating with details of the bet. They refused to pay out and contacted the FA who launched an investigation.

As you have probably guessed by now, the game was fixed and the suspicions of skulduggery were proven to be correct as seven players, three from United and four from Liverpool, were found guilty of conspiring to rig the outcome of the match. The legend has it that the players met up in a pub beforehand to come up with the scheme. Just try and imagine such a scene taking place today… Rio Ferdinand would just end up giving the game away by Tweeting it.

Liverpool’s Jackie Sheldon, curiously, a former United player, was said to be the instigator of the fix, drafting in Tom Miller, Bob Pursell and Thomas Fairfoul from his own team and Sandy Turnbull, Arthur Whalley and Enoch West from the opposition to plot his fiendish scheme. Curiously, the man who scored United’s two goals on the day George Anderson refused to take part as did the abovementioned Pagnam who, as you can see, did his best to foil the plot during the game.

In fact, it was Pagnam’s testimony to the FA that helped bring the others to justice. Noble behaviour by a Liverpool player? Who would have thought? Luis Suarez would do well to take note.

All seven men involved were punished with a lifetime ban from the game – there is no evidence to suggest that Liverpool FC wore T-Shirts in support of their cheating players.

Those of you who are clued up with your history will know that 1915 was also the year of the great war. While the idea of fixing football matches is something that would cause us to spew up our Shreddies if it happened today, football understandably wasn’t exactly the most important thing on people’s minds at the time. The league was suspended and the players involved, amoung others, ended up going into battle to fight for our freedom. As a result, in recognition of their service, the bans were overturned - posthumously in the case of Sandy Turnbull – whence they returned. All except United’s Enoch West, who didn’t take his medicine like a man and tried to sue the FA. His case failed and his ban wasn’t overturned until 1945. I’d like to think the authorities cited “for being a whiny bitch” in their decision-making process. It certainly wasn’t to be the last time someone associated with United would be accused of whinging and failing to take responsibility for their actions.

Football, in the modern era at least, with so much money swirling around and so much at stake, has become such a huge all-consuming game that one cannot help to look upon it with a great sense of cynicism. We’ve already seen the Calciopoli scandal in Italy, as well as reports of improper practices in Germany and Turkey in recent years. Only the most naïve fan will truly believe that the English game is whiter than white and that everything is above board. I am in no way speculating that anything dodgy is going on over here, but I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that I wouldn’t be the slightest bit shocked if there was.

The incident described above was one of the earliest instances of match-fixing in the game anywhere and it took place in our own back yard between two teams that would go on to be the biggest and most successful. Not just in the country, but the entire world. Both teams love to remind everybody about their glorious trophy-laden history but remain noticeably quiet about this skeleton making itself at home in their cupboards.

Interestingly, the FA at the time decided that the players were solely responsible for the fix so bizarrely no punishment, relegation, fine or points deduction went the way of the clubs themselves. So, owing to a number of factors and the circumstances at the time, both clubs emerged relatively unscathed from what was otherwise a huge and potentially very damaging scandal.

Chelsea, the club who were relegated as a result of the cheating, were elected back into the restructured top flight after the war along with Arsenal who hadn’t even finished in a Division Two promotion position in the final pre-war campaign. Big four favouritism BEFORE they were even the big four?! Spooky....

Go on, show me your Tweets

North and South - Super Sunday Observations: 22nd January 2012

2012-01-24T14:03:00.007Z

So 'Super Sunday' presented us with a repeat of the Manchester v North London double header. It was promoted in such a way that suggested the sides from the capital would be seeking 'payback' having been humiliated in the respective reverse fixtures back at the tail end of the summer. Alas, both Arsenal and Spurs failed in their revenge missions as both Manchesters United and City smote their opponents yet again to re-establish Northern dominance over the south.

In the early kick off, table-topping, cash-splashing Manchester City beat upwardly mobile Tottenham Hotspur 3-2 in one of the most rip-roaring matches of the season. Well, second half at least. The Lancet actually recommends that patients who are about to undergo major surgery should watch the first 45 minutes repeatedly as it is officially now the world's most effective anaesthetic.

The game sparked into life when Samir Nasri, a man who was already public enemy number one at both ends of the Seven Sisters Road, riffled home after latching on to a typically delicious David Silva through ball. It just had to be the former Arsenal man, didn't it? Nasri already has four goals to his name in North London derbies but has been nothing short of a disappointment since his controversial move to Eastlands last summer. It was just obvious he would find his 'spark' again against Spurs. I've often, half-joking mused whether this ridiculous sport we all love is actually the world's biggest scam. Is the game fixed or scripted not unlike professional wrestling? This Nasri goal, considering the circumstances, goes some way to reinforcing this admittedly deluded conspiracy theory of mine. The truth is out there...

Joleon Lescott doubled City's lead almost immediately after bundling in from a corner but before the City fans had even finished their daft, vomit-inducing 'Poznan' celebration, their advantage had been sliced in half. Jermaine Defoe made it 2-1 as he capitalised on some woeful defending by the clueless Stefan Savić. The gormless look on the poor Montenegrin's face as the goal went in served as a pertinent reminder that if the City juggernaut is to rumble on, suspended captain Vincent Kompany cannot come back into the side soon enough.

Gareth Bale then evened the the score with a sensational strike that looks more impressive on every viewing. Four goals in under 10 minutes made me wonder if I had stumbled across some sort of televised 5 aside football match such was the rapid frequency of the scoring.

The rise of Tottenham under Harry Redknapp's stewardship has been one of the stories of the season. After decades of near misses, underachievement and general periods of laughable embarrassment, Spurs have finally gone some way to justifying their famed 'Glory, Glory' tag by muscling their way in among the big boys and making themselves right at home. Sir Alex Ferguson recently said that they are playing the best football in the league at present. While this was clearly just a ploy aimed at winding up City, Tottenham's spirited fightback suggested that there was actually very little between Redknapp and Mancini's teams on the day – absences not withstanding, obviously.

In fact, the away side almost deservedly snatched the points. If Jermaine Defore hadn't been born part hobbit and managed to get any decent contact on a 92nd minute Bale cross, Spurs would be waking up today with the unfamiliar but enjoyable feeling of being within touching distance of the Premier League summit. But he didn't and in the cruelest twist of fate, it was City who got the win after Super Mario Balotelli converted a last gasp penalty having been felled by Ledley King with the game in it's dying embers.

Of course, it was extremely premature of the 'experts' to indulge in the absurd hyperbole of a week or so back when all and sundry starting to declare them champions elect and other such over-exaggerated nonsense. Such proclamations with such a long way to go in the season only serve to make people look stupid in the long run. One step at a time and all that. Given the glaring inadequacies of the so-called challengers for those much sought after Champions League spots, third place this season should be the absolute minimum they achieve, the fourth place they were aiming for in August would actually be a disappointment given how impressive they've been thus far this campaign. Beyond that, who knows?

But the biggest talking point of the match at the Etihad was not Defoe's miss, Nasri's goal, nor the Spurs fightback. Yes, not for the first time, Super Mario Balotelli decided to hog all the headlines to himself. Selfish.

Despite only being on the pitch for 25 minutes, the eccentric Italian stamped his authority on the match in more ways than one. While he may have successfully won and converted the decisive last minute penalty that secured his side the points, there are few people outside the blue half of Manchester that believe Balotelli should have even been on the pitch. On any other day, or with any other referee (Oh, Howard Webb...), Mad Mario's attempt to decapitate Scott Parker with the sole of his size 12s would have been greeted with the red card it deserved. It has since been announced that retrospective punishment is to be heading his way but what consolation is that to Spurs? Any ban will not get back the point (possibly more?) they were set to take back down the M1 on Sunday evening.

That said, I risk using that most despised and ignorant of football-isms about things evening themselves out. Many City fans will tell you that Balotelli's escape (in the game at least) is some sort of retribution for the scandalous decision to send off Vincent Kompany for executing the perfect tackle in the FA Cup 3rd round Manchester derby two short weeks ago that resulted in an absurd and unjust four game ban – a tackle not entirely dissimilar to one made by Parker himself in the first half of this match on England colleague Micah Richards. Not that it deserved a red either, mind.

The inconsistencies, contradictions and hypocrisy did not end there. Joleon Lescott was also inexplicably spared a dismissal after a UFC style forearm smash to to the face of Yonues Kaboul. Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp was then quick to condemn the Balotelli footsie-stampy shenanigans post-match. Yes, the same Harry Redknapp who swiftly turned a blind eye when his own player was accused of a similar offence in the past. It was also interesting to see the lack of criticism aimed at Redknapp for publicly calling for a player to be dismissed given all the unnecessary hoo-ha over Roberto Mancini's imaginary card-waving antics in recent weeks. I'm struggling to get my head round how the gesture in the heat of the moment is deemed a 'disgrace' while a calculated and considered press conference is acceptable. The former is trying to influence a referee while the latter completely undermines their authority. Both are as bad as each other.

The biggest head-scratcher over the whole incident of course comes by way of the FA who will rightly throw the book at Balotelli yet completely make fools of themselves in doing so having very recently campaigned fiercely to have Wayne Rooney's violent conduct ban by UEFA for next summer's Euros reduced. Do as I say, not as I do etc.

===

If the first game was the starter, Arsenal v Manchester United was a disappointing main course as both teams were simply resigned to going through the motions in an attempt to keep up with their respective now superior local rivals.

A wretched football match saw United just about eke out a marginally deserved 2-1 victory over their one time most-hated foes. Sir Alex's team took the lead on the stroke of half time through an Antonio Valencia header. Robin van Persie (who else?) equalised for the gunners finishing a flowing move that was a throwback to the long forgotten Arsenal of a decade ago. Contract rebel Danny Wellbeck snatched all three points late on.

The major talking point at the Emirates was what seemed to be what I'm calling a Wenger watershed moment. After a diabolical first half in which Arsenal were devoid of passion pride and anything even resembling the kind of fighting spirit they would do well to learn from their North London rivals earlier in the day, the one time 'invincibles' stepped up a gear and actually took the game to an abject United side following the break. The equaliser came amidst a flurry of missed chances and such was the momentum with the home side, there only looked to be one side capable of winning the game at 1-1 and it wasn't Uinted. That was until the beleaguered manager decided to withdraw his side's best attacking threat in the game, the 18 year old Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain who was putting his more experienced colleagues – hang your head Theo Walcott – to shame. The youngster was replaced by Andrei Arshavin – a player who hasn't had a good game since the days of disco. The often quiet Emirates crowd then found their voice, not to support their team, mind, but to viciously direct a barrage of abuse at Mr. Wenger in the dugout. “You don't know what you're doing” is the last chant one would ever expect to hear from the gooner faithful who are better known for blindly following their manager no matter what he does.

A lifetime ago...

It's no secret that after years of failure, this season has been Arsene Wenger's toughest test for the most successful boss of London's most successful club. For the first time in his tenure, Arsenal look like slipping outside the top four and equally, for the very first time, he is losing the support of the fans who previously wouldn't dare question him. Whereas the grumbles were once consigned to a small minority, it would appear the number of the dissenters is growing at a rapid rate. More worrying, the public disapproval of his captain to the substitution speaks volumes. It's one thing to lose the fans but when results stop going your way and you start to lose the players, things are only going to get worse. Of course, van Persie has moved to reassure fans that he was not challenging his manager but the simple fact is, his unhappiness was clear for all to see.

Time has a funny way of catching up with us. Muhammed Ali, the greatest boxer of all time has Parkinson's. Terry Pratchett, one of the best authors of a generation has Alzheimers. I'm not saying Arsene Wenger has a debilitating disease but I do feel it necessary to use such extreme examples to hammer home my point that nothing lasts for ever. Not even perceived genius. The mask is undoubtedly slipping. The Arsene Wenger of today is not the Arsene Wenger of a decade ago. As he himself was quoted last week, failure to secure a top four finish could well prove to be a disaster. The exact kind of disaster he does not currently appear able to recover from.

Naturally, the substitution itself didn't lose Arsenal the game but as sod's law would dictate, Arshavin was at fault for United's winner meaning Wenger's gamble backfired spectacularly and in some sense justified the criticisms of the fans - telling him he doesn't know what he's doing is perhaps a bit strong though. Someone with Arsene Wenger's record deserves a tad more respect than that. Booing, and vocal criticism, although completely within the rights of those who pay their money and are therefore entitled to express their displeasure, is simply divisive and counterproductive.

As usual, Arsenal fans were quick to wheel out the old injury excuse and lack of recognised full-backs for their defensive problems. However, on this occasion the argument was rendered redundant due to the fact their of their opponents' back five on the day, only Patrice Evra could be considered one of Manchester United's 'first choice' defenders. Add to that the the fact that Phil Jones was stretchered off in the opening exchanges and you would say that the flaws at Arsenal are surely more to do with tactics rather than personnel.

As Arsenal and their troubles were the main focus after the match, United's own problems went unnoticed. The fact they picked up the three points here didn't tell the whole story of their own shortcomings. While they may have been in control during the first half, they were far from convincing. They saw a lot of the ball, yes, but it certainly wasn't a case of them carving the gunners open at will despite the generosity of Johan Djourou who personally allowed Nani the freedom of Islington. A 'better' side would have been home and dry by half time.

In second half, they simply retreated and almost threw the game away. I know it seems fashionable to have a go at Michael Carrick but I genuinely don't see what he does. I would welcome any explanation. Wayne Rooney may as well have stayed on the team bus such as his anonymity while the 'rabbit in the headlights' look has become so synonymous with Johnny Evans that he Northern Ireland international should just patent it and be done with it. Again, a 'better' side than Arsenal would have been able to capitalise on United's dismal second half showing. They will however, be encouraged by the sensible person's choice (bore off, Sky) as Man of the Match Antonio Valencia who scored one and made the other of the two match-winning goals. He and the abovementioned Chamberlain were the only two shining lights in what was, in truth, a poor game.

I seem to find myself saying this year after year but the deficiencies of Sir Alex's team make them look anything but champions yet they still find themselves within spitting distance of their city rivals at the top of the table. Despite the current side's glaring limitations, only a crazy person would dare write them off.

So what conclusions can we draw? Power shifts? It would be difficult to argue against it in North London but perhaps not quite yet in Manchester. However, the results suggested that if fans of THE BESTEST LEAGUE IN THE WORLD (!!!!!!!) were hoping for anything other than a two horse race (yet again), it is looking like they will be sorely disappointed.

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Assualt and Pepe

2012-01-19T16:28:00.010Z

Last Night Real Madrid hosted Barcelona in El Claszzzzzzzzzz... for the umpteenth time in recent memory. The two stand-out best club sides in world football were going head-to-head for the eighth time since just last spring. Most people are actually of the opinion that these are the only two teams in Spanish football. Their dominance and the regularity of their meetings would make it difficult for even the most staunch La Liga fan to argue. What was once the most anticipated game in the Spanish football calendar has become something of a tiresome chore due the the fact the same old narrative seems to repeat itself over and over again. Real Madrid start brightly, Barca take control, Barca show superiority, Barca win. Wash, rinse, repeat. Of these previous 8 encounters this has been the case on 4 occasions. Three of these matches ended in draws that inevitably suited the Catalans better and just one (admittedly a quite important one) resulted in a Madrid victory. This season, it was all supposed to change. Barca are not quite at the brilliant best while Jose Mourinho's boys from the Bernabau have been on fire and currently find themselves sat on top of La Liga 5 points clear of their great rivals. Yet somehow they are still somehow second best when the two sides come to blows. A maddening situation that has seen the Catalans stroll into Real's back yard and come away with a victory now TWICE already this campaign.

The latest match was the first leg of the Copa Del Rey quarter final. Real Madrid started the brighter and oft criticised Big Game Bottler Cristiano Ronaldo fired them into the lead. At half time Ray Winstone's giant, frightening, disembodied head popped up on my TV and pretty much demanded that I bet on Barca to come back and win the game at an outrageously generous 5/1. I stuck a fiver on it and was duly rewarded when Carlos Puyol and Eric Abidal (Defenders!!!!) turned the tie in the favour of Pep Guardiola's men.

One thing then that always seems to occur in these supposed showpiece games are the acts of gamesmanship and petulance that wouldn't be out of place in primary school playground. The diving, cheating, play-acting, fouling and general cuntitude of pretty much every player on the park lets both sides down. Real and Barca possess the personnel to put on real classic matches actually befitting the moniker attached to their meetings but all too often disgrace themselves by acting like idiots. The typical protagonists in this theatre are Dani Alves, Sergio Ramos, Sergio Busquets and Ricardo Carvalho to name a few. However, on this occasion there was one man decided that the floor was his and his alone as he decided he wanted the title of world's biggest scumbag.

Step forward Képler Laveran Lima Ferreira otherwise more affectionately referred to as Pepe.

The Portugese defender is no stranger to controversy having already once been on the receiving end of a 10 match match ban following what can only be described as an unprovoked assualt on Getafe CF's Javier Casquero.

Good old Pepe has also been red-carded in a previous classio and it would seem that he is incapable of learning his lesson and realise that quite a lot of the time, he isn't being 'hard', he's just behaving like a dick! His latest indiscretion centres around his deliberate stamp on the hand of one Lionel Messi while the majestic Argentine was on the floor following a foul by one of Pepe's other cohorts in the Madrid side.

This followed some of the worst acting you are likely to see this side of a Vin Diesel movie.

All of which makes you wonder whether it is safe to actually allow this man out into society. Pepe strikes me as the wired guy at the supermarket who shouts at the vegetables or the kind of fella who who walks the street naked with his hands covered in his own feces. Not all seems right upstairs.

Football is no stranger to 'hard men' and loveable rouges who, rightly or wrongly, push the boundaries of what one can get away with on the pitch to their very limit. Pepe seems to either ignorant or indifferent to the very concept of boundaries and clearly feels he can get away with murder (Not to give the lunatic any more ideas...) when he goes out there to 'play'. When he behaves like an idiot, he doesn't even consider the idea that there may be consequences nor the fact that at times, he is a danger to his fellow professionals. Act first, think later. It's like when you play with matches as a kid and the idea that you might burn the house down doesn't even enter your head. Then all of a sudden you're standing on the charred remains of what used to be your bedroom...

At the risk of saddling up atop my high horse (I call her Sanctimony...), Pepe acting like this might be understandable if it actually provided any benefit to his team. Conversely, he is nothing more than a detriment to them and the even those who are supposed to be supporting him have started to realise this. One would hope he would take heed but given the fact it keeps on happening, there's no way of ever being sure what is going on within that polished dome.

But then it dawned on me. The bald head, the snarl, the random acts of violence. This is surely a case of like imitating art...

Compare Real Madrid 'star' Pepe...

...with Mortal Kombat character Baraka

-----

Honestly, tell me if you can really spot the difference...

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Chumps League?

2011-12-06T06:13:00.008Z

Around the early 1990s some smartarse an UEFA decided that Europe's premier cup competition was not quite exciting enough. Well, when I say not exciting, I mean that it wasn't generating enough cash. After nearly 40 years, European football’s holy grail wasn't as marketable as the suits would have liked so sponsorship contracts were negotiated, re-negotiated and negotiated again. The entire competition was 're-branded' and in 1993, what spawned forth was the malevolent, all-consuming and vile abomination we today call The Champions League.

"I will kill you and eat your children"

How was this different to the previous format? Well, rather than the straight-forward two legged knockout cup competition featuring just the league winners from each country that everyone was fairly content with, mini-leagues were introduced to give us a greater number games to consume like hungry, salivating dogs. As the competition has grown, more and more teams are ushered in leading to the quite absurd scenario in modern football where, in some cases, finishing as low as FOURTH in your domestic league is enough to qualify and actually considered something of a success. Qualification for the tournament means more than winning actual silverware – a quite tragic indictment of the modern game. So yes, a team can win the 'Champions' League despite having not won their domestic league the previous year. In fact, a team can compete and of course win the competition having NEVER won the title in their home nation - this hasn't happened yet but give it time... Sounds silly doesn't it? But why do UEFA allow this? Well, A) Because more games means more money obviously and B) Fuck you! That's why.

Ironically, by opening up the competition and attempting to be more inclusive, the Champions League actually becomes more exclusive. With rare exceptions, it's generally the same names competing for the top prize year on year. These teams make more money from the competition simply by being there and of course, the financial gap between the haves and the have-nots when they play in their own league becomes a gaping chasm - that is unless you have a multi-billionaire benefactor/sugar daddy to give you a helping hand but the pros and cons of that can be debated on another blog post another day.

The group stage of the modern day Champions League competition is very rarely something one ought to waste time getting excited over. Two teams qualify from each of the eight groups of four and the top dogs almost always find themselves seeded which inevitably sees their path to the knockout stage rarely troubled. Particularly in England, we have become accustomed to 'our' teams navigating their way through to the last 16 with relative ease.

Not this year however. As we enter the final round of group games, a very real scenario presents itself where the knockout stage will feature just one English side with the other three dropping down into the competition's fatter, uglier, younger sibling the Europa League – the consolation prize/punishment for finishing third in abovementioned groups.

Arsene Wenger and his Arsenal team have secured first place in Group F with a game to spare allowing them to simply enjoy their trip to Olympiacos. The French manager will send out a team consisting of 2 teenagers on work experience, 5 primary school children, 2 teething babies, a single sperm and Tomas Rosicky to face the Greek side while rumour has it the first team have been sent to the nearby resort of Kavos as a reward where Theo Walcott will throw up after doing one too many fish bowls, Gervinho and Thomas Vermaelen will race quad bikes and Aaron Ramsey will finger a 19 year old on the beach.

Meanwhile, things do not appear to be as rosy for Chelsea and the two Manchester clubs who all have major obstacles standing between them and the Utopia of the knockout stages.

The West Londoners take on Valencia at home first where only a win or a goalless draw will be good enough to see them leapfrog the Spanish side and progress to the latter stages. To say The Blues have had a difficult time of it of late would be understating matters to an almost laughable degree. Initially touted as potential champions this season, their current form has many people asking serious questions as to whether they will even finish in those coveted top four positions. It has been an inauspicious start for new manager Andres Villas-Boas. Indifferent league form spilled over into Europe and a 2-1 setback against Leverkusen two weeks back has led to this do or die scenario.

Opponents Valencia currently sit a comfortable third in La Liga behind the powerhouses of Barcelona and Real Madrid and pushed the latter close in their narrow defeat just a couple of weeks back. They also have the free scoring Roberto Soldado in their ranks who is likely to keep Chelsea's worryingly fragile backline very busy. Soldado has already netted an astonishing 14 times in all competitions this season – a feat Fernando Torres might not accomplish in the next 14 months!

I'm always wary of writing off Chelsea. A 3-0 win over Newcastle at the weekend was a reminder of the quality they possess and more importantly, provided a huge confidence boost ahead of this game. In truth, home advantage should see them safely through but having lost against both Arsenal and Liverpool(twice!) at the Bridge in recent months, you couldn't say for certain that a home win is on the cards.

Unfortunately, home advantage isn't something Manchester United can rely on in their vital Group C game against Basel. A draw will be enough for the Reds to go through but the Swiss side will be going all out for the win and it would be daft to take anything for granted in this game especially given the performance they put in when they went to Salford and came away with a 3-3 draw having fought from two goals down to lead right up until Ashley Young’s late equaliser.

The return to form and fitness of Rio Ferdinand and Nemanja Vidic has seen the defensive headaches from the early part of the season cured somewhat so if the task is simply to avoid defeat, you'd expect Sir Alex Ferguson's side to have enough quality to get the job done. But as recent games have shown, United are not playing anything close to their own usual high standard and you could easily argue that they've been fortunate to win so many games so far this season. This fortune hasn't transferred to Europe where teams have been able to capitalise on their mistakes. It might sound crazy but anyone who saw that first match will know that Basel pose a very real threat. Namesakes Fabian and Alexander Frei will be looking to pick up where they left off at Old Trafford.

While the destiny of the two English finalists from 2008 lies in their own hands, the same can not be said for Champions League virgins Manchester City whose rampant run at home has not been replicated abroad. The Citizens latest victims in the league were last weekend who were dispatched with the kind of delicious exhibition football that has had many commentators declaring the cash-rich club to be on par with Barcelona and the like. Just one glace at their European form will tell you such comparisons are somewhat premature. Having surrendered four points to Napoli and losing in Munich, City must now beat the four time winners and 2010 runners up Bayern at the Etihad Stadium and hope the group A whipping boys Villarreal can get anything against the Neapolitans.

Beating Bayern may well prove to be the easy part as the Bavarian side have already won the group and, like Arsenal, will not be placing a great deal of importance of the game. Similarly, Villarreal cannot even make third place and will be far more concerned with arresting their abject domestic form than doing Roberto Mancini any favours. Napoli will be expected to win this game and send City into the forgotten land that is the Europa League.

The likelihood of all three sides failing to progress is slim and I would stake a great deal of money on it. City are on the brink but United and Chelsea, although not in an ideal position, are certainly well placed to join Arsenal in next week's draw for the next round of the competition.

On the flipside, if all three were to finish third in their groups, the tantalising scenario of up to seven English clubs (if Stoke, Fulham,Birmingham and Tottenham were to qualify) in the bloated mess that is the Europa League would actually be highly amusing.

Well, I’d laugh anyway.

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Goal Trafford

2011-12-02T16:54:00.011Z

Let's have it right. Gary Neville is an dislikeable turd. I mean, none of us can stand Manchester United*, can we? And if any player has epitomised exactly why we all dislike that club, it's G-Nev. Smug, arrogant and annoyingly, incredibly successful. On top of all that, having hung up his boots and gone into the media, Neville has now become the stand out best pundit on Sky television. Besides the fact he isn't an idiot or a hypocrite, he actually provides some kind of insight. When I find myself nodding along agreeing with most of what he says, it just makes me want to commit the act of Seppuku in front of my own crying Mother.

Maybe it was being sat next the infinitely less informed Dwight Yorke that sapped his common sense but Neville's mask slipped this week as he staked his claim for captain of the Olympic hyperboly squad by making the claim that Darren Ambrose's spectacular goal in Crystal Palace's shock 2-1 victory in the Carling Cup quarters was "the best goal scored by an opposition player at Old Trafford IN THIRTY YEARS!"

A pretty bold statement. Judge for yourself...

Ambrose magic?

Shearer?

Batistuta?

Arshavin?

Hasselbaink?

Dossena?

Rocastle's chip?

Wanchope's run?

Tiago?

Raul? (Incredible Redondo assist)

Stan Collymore?

Robben Volley?

Tough call.

Obviously, it would have most likely been this...

Poor Pedro!

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*Fret not, one day I will write positive pro-Man Utd piece that will be so gut-wrenching gushing it will make you want to shoot me - and yourself - in the face.

RIP Gary Speed - 8 September 1969 – 27 November 2011

2011-11-28T07:59:00.008Z

It was understandably difficult to get excited about football after the breaking news on Sunday morning that Wales manager Gary Speed had been found dead after a suspected suicide at his home in Cheshire.

I was numbed. Speed is one those players that has just always seemed to be etched into the memory of my football watching life. His fellow Welshman Ryan Giggs is probably the only other player that springs to mind when I think of a player with such a prolonged career in the English top flight in my lifetime. Speed may not have had a career awash with trophies and honours but was hands down, one of the Premier League's most consistent performers in his midfield role and a key player in any team he played for. Fans of Leeds, Everton, Newcastle and Bolton would all attest to this. Such was his importance, Speed currently holds the record for most appearances for an outfield player in the league with some 535 games under his belt. A short spell at Sheffield United as player and manager brought the curtain down on fine club career before he was given the opportunity to manage his country.

Death is always a sad thing but made worse when it happens prematurely. 42 is no age for anyone to die and the whole situation is made more perplexing by to the unsavory manner of Speed's passing. The general reaction has been one of bemusement. One can only speculate as to what drives a man to take his own life. Speed had a wife, two children and his career as manager of Wales seemed to be going from strength to strength. It's only natural that people will be asking "why?".

The general feeling from all the tributes is one of shock. The outpouring of emotion within football for a popular and respected friend/colleague would suggest that this fatal tragic act was out of character. As has been pointed out, Speed seemed 'normal' when he appeared the BBC's Football Focus the very same morning of the day he died. Again it would be wrong to speculate about his health and/or his private life and his family ought to be afforded the respect they deserve at this most awful of times.

All too often in the modern game we rue the disconnect between players and fans. As far as we're concerned, these 'greedy' millionaires no longer understand the 'man in the street'. Is this detachment not a two-way problem? When we go to matches, sit in pubs or take to the Internet to launch tirades of abuse, we almost forget that they are human beings with the same feelings, insecurities and problems as you and I. Granted, Speed wasn't the kind of player that courted controversy or even incurred the wrath of vitriolic fans but his death shows he was just as vulnerable as anybody to the trials and tribulations of life. When we work ourselves up into a frenzy and lose our shit over incorrect offsides and disallowed goals or whatever, we'd do well to remember that the game is simply that, a game. A sentiment not lost on the Swansea and Villa fans who saw their respective teams play on through difficult circumstances.

Whatever the reasons behind this tragedy, it has been a sad, sad weekend in British football.

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In Attendance: Serie A - Inter Milan v Cagliari. 19th November 2011

2011-11-25T20:18:00.005Z

As I have mentioned before, when I were a wee lad growing up, I, like many others of my generation, was a huge fan of Serie A on Channel 4 back in the 1990s. Terrestrial TV coverage of what was perceived to be the best league in the world at the world was the kind of footballing luxury the modern day armchair fan would come to look on with the greatest sense of nostalgia – especially given the small fortune one needs to shell out nowadays for the 'privilege' of watching Stoke City and the like.

During this Serie A golden era, Juventus and AC Milan were the two dominant forces – sharing eight titles between 1992 and 1999. However, this is not to say that every campaign was a predicable two team procession. Both sides needed to be on their toes to fend off the strong challenge coming from the likes of Parma, Udinese, Sampdoria and Fiorentina year on year.

You could almost always rely on the Italian league throwing up something of a competitive title race. The strength of the division wasn't merely restricted to the big two. For example, following their Scudetto success in 1996, AC Milan finished a lowly 11th position 12 months later. Similarly, Juventus ended the 1998/99 campaign in 6th place despite successive championships in 1997 and 1998 and THREE Champions League finals (96, 97, 98). The Roman clubs broke up the cartel at the turn of the century as, firstly, Lazio (2000) and then Roma (2001) were crowned champions of Italy.

The most notable absence on the illustrious list of league winners was AC Milan's city rivals. While the Rossoneri would regularly dine at the top table both domestically and abroad, Internazionale were left raiding the bins behind motorway service stations for whatever scraps that had been thrown away. It is safe to describe the end of the 20th century as a period of underachievement for the Nerazzurri. A title win in 1989 was followed by a lean decade that yielded just three measly Uefa Cup successes in 1991, 1994 and 1998 – also, quite incredibly, losing the 1997 final to Schalke on penalties. For most, that haul wouldn't look bad but for one of Italy's big names, it was a poor return, particularly given the vast spending of chairman Massimo Moratti following his acquisition of the club in 1995. The oil tycoon was certainly not afraid to splash the cash in his attempts to match the successes of City rivals AC. This period saw some stellar names turn out in the famous Black and Blue including Ivan Zamorano, Diego Simeone, Gianluca Pagliuca, Alvaro Recoba, Youri Djourkaeff, our very own Paul Ince. Aron Winter, Paulo Sousa, Roberto Carlos and of course, the jewel in the crown, Ronaldo.

The noughties saw the likes of Christian Vieri, Clarence Seedorf and Fabio Canovarro sign up yet success still very much eluded Inter. Moratti would also go through managers quicker than most men go through underwear with some 12 men burning their arses in the San Siro hotseat between 1995 and 2003. Roberto Mancini was then handed the reigns and it all suddenly went right as he oversaw the clubs most successful period since the 1960s, initially winning back to back Italian Cups in 04 and 05 before setting his sights on the big prize.

However, Inter's subsequent glory, and Italian football as a whole during this period, is punctuated by a huge asterisk. In 2006, the first of what was to be Mancini's three successive Scudetti was only awarded due to the fact the actual champions Juventus were involved in the infamous Calciopoli match fixing scandal which saw them stripped of the title and relegated to Serie B. City rivals Milan were also implicated, so too Fiorentina, Lazio and Reggina. Inter themselves, as well as others, were investigated but exonerated.

What followed was a period of dominance for il Nerazzurri as they steamrolled pretty much all before them like some sort of black and blue erm... steamroller. Mancini's hat trick of titles didn't save him from trigger happy Moratti however, as he was dispatched in favour of a certain Jose Mourinho. In just two years, the Special One won consecutive league titles, the second in 2010 coming as part of an unprecedented treble including the Copa Italia and of course, the Champions League – a trophy they hadn't won since 1965.

As the charismatic Portuguese completed his fairytale ending with the club and rode off into the sunset, the mediocrity of the 90s returned with a bang as he was succeeded by long time adversary Rafa Benitez. In what seemed like an Italian revisioning of The Damned United, Benitez proved to be a disaster. The champs were now very much chumps and Rafa was shown the door before the Christmas decorations had even been put up at the team found themselves 13 points off the lead.

In one of the more strange football appointments, AC Milan legend Leonardo was given the job and managed to steer the club to a second place finish behind his former club and another Copa Italia win last season. However, a dismal attempt to defend the European Cup saw the club finish second in their group to Gareth Bale and a take a shoeing from their apparent European nemesis Schalke in the quarter finals. Leonardo thought 'sod this' and headed for Paris.

Former Genoa manager Gian Piero Gasperini was entrusted with the task of bringing back the good times to Inter but his frightfully overambitious 3-4-3 formation lasted a mere 5 games at the start of this season (losing four!) before he was given the boot. Former Chelsea boss Claudio Renieri has since been appointed.

===

Each year, a group of us celebrate a mate's birthday by traveling to some city in Europe to sample the local cuisine, sample the local beer, sample some more beer and then taking in a local football match. Having previously embarked on trips to the Alianz in Munich to watch Bayern and the Bernabeu to see Real Madrid, we decided this year to head to Milan. This particular weekend saw Inter take on Cagliari so that would be what we would be watching.

I'd previously only been to Italy once before way back at the tender and testosterone filled age of 15. A football tour in Rimini when my team-mates and myself would exaggerate our prowess as players in order to convince women to share intimate times with us. Naturally, this was largely unsuccessful but we did manage to win our matches on the pitch. Albeit friendlies against teams younger than us but a win is a win as they say. I also decided to purchase a football shirt. As weird coincidences would have it, the only one that remained in the shop I went to was that of Inter Milan so I had to have it (notwithstanding my supposed allegiances to Parma). Who would have known that on my very next visit to the country, I would be to watching them in the flesh? Spooky, eh?

We arrived at the very impressive and very imposing 80,000 seater Stadio Giuseppe Meazza (Otherwise known as the San Siro) early enough to buy cheap merchandise and grab a pre-match beer. The San Siro is a large arena and as such, the area surrounding the ground is quite vast allowing for the swathes of fans if ever a match is approaching anything near a sell out. Given that Inter were languishing in 17th place and Cagliari only slightly better in 10th and the start of play, this was hardly like to be the case this time around. Some sources online have the total attendance at 56,000 but from where we were sat, you couldn't convince me that the stadium was even half full.

If the club's poor form was keeping fans away, the match itself did very little to suggest they will be coming back in their droves. Admittedly, missing from the starting line up were big names such as Lucio, Maicon, Diego Forlan and Wesley Sneijder who pulled up with injury in the warm up. Diego Milito was on the bench.

As the home side started sluggishly and failed to impose themselves with any great conviction, it became almost inconceivable to think of them as Champions of Europe a mere 18 months ago. The first half was an uneventful snoozefest with the noticeable exception of Dejan Stankovic living up to his name by having something of a stinker. The Serbian midfielder seemed to be in an amusing competition with himself to see how often he could give the ball away.

Up top, new golden boy Giampaolo Pazzini struggled but this was in part due to inadequate service and the selfishness of Mauro Zarate who may or may not have been fitted with those blinders that racehorses often wear as he seemed totally incapable of ever spotting or trying to pass to better placed team mates. Apparently, Zarate has an assist bonus written into his contract to encourage him to be more selfless. On the evidence of the opening 45 minutes, he may have forgotten about the it.

The evergreen Javier Zanetti, a permanent fixture in the Inter side since those days in the 1990s and a more than loyal servant of well over 500 games and 16 trophies, was arguably the best player on the pitch in the first half. The Argentine veteran covered the entire left hand side of the pitch with the kind of ease that shouldn't be afforded to a 38 year old in the twilight of his career.

Pazzini had and long range effort tipped onto the crossbar by Cagliari goalkeeper Michael Agazzi and he repeated the trick from a Zarate free kick. Aside from this, there was very, very little to shout about for either side as they went in goalless at the break.

In typically classy Italian fashion, espressos are sold at half time in the San Siro. I was tempted to buy at least three to try and keep me awake after the dreariness I had been forced to endure.

One of our group remarked at half time how big the pitch looked. This was the illusion because the game was being played and snail's pace and both sides seemed to be reluctant to press the opposition a great deal. As a result, the players often found themselves with a lot of time on the ball but incapable of doing anything useful with it. Inter dominated possession but more often than not this would manifest itself in simply playing passes between the back four and the midfield.

Zarate was thankfully taken off and replaced summer signing Ricky Alverez. 10 minutes into the second half, an Alvarex free kick from the left was scrappily scrambled home by Ita-zilian midfielder Thiago Motta. Even from the other end of the stadium, there was more than a slight suspicion that Motta may have been offside. A scrappy, dubious goal seemed quite fitting for the occasion though.

Six minutes later, it was 2-0 as Alvarez on the right wing got the better of the left back before playing a 1-2 with Cambiasso then switching the ball to Coutinho who cut inside and hit a low right footed drive into the bottom corner beating Agazzi at his near post.

After that little spell of excitement, Inter saw out the rest of the match with little trouble. Cagliari pulled one back in the last minute through sub Larrivey but the damage was done and the game ended 2-1. Much to the relief of everyone unfortunate enough to watch it.

szólj hozzá: INT

Italian Football has always had a reputation for being somewhat slow and over-cautious so the tempo of the game was no surprise to me but what was really unusual was the lack of quality. Alvarez looked fairly lively when introduced but still looks raw. Granted, Inter were missing some key players and probably had one eye on, what looked like at the time, a key Champions League encounter in the week but it was strange that there was nobody in the heart of the team to truly dictate the play for them. The end result being they very much looked like a team floundering around the lower half of the table. The Tinkerman has a lot of work to do. All in all, I will unashamedly declare this to be one of the worst football matches I've ever seen in the flesh.

Once the top league on the continent, now the Italian league sits comfortably behind England, Spain and even Germany. A point highlighted by the fact that the poor performances of Italian sides in Europe in recent years has seen them lose their fourth Champions League spot to the Germans. Serie A has quite clearly suffered in the wake of the Calciopoli mess. The quality of the league has certainly diminished in recent years and unfortunately for Inter, their superiority has been both a symptom and a cause of it. Top players are still joining Italian clubs but they are hardly flocking over in the kind of numbers we used to see in the 1990s. A recent episode of Sky's Sunday Supplement programme saw so-called respected journalists arrogantly dismiss Serie A as something of an irrelevance.

All that said, anyone who has been keeping track with the Italian league this season (ESPN televise two games each weekend as well as highlights during the week) will know that the league is going some way towards regaining it's competitive edge. Inter's struggles appear to be an exception rather than the rule currently. As I write this, just a single point separates a resurgent Juventus, Lazio, champions AC and Udinese at the top of the table. Does this mean the league is improving? Maybe, maybe not, but if we look at the performances of their clubs in the Champions League so far this season, one would be hard pressed to argue against the abilty of their representatives this season. Having beaten Manchester City this week, Napoli look well-placed to advance to the last 16 ahead of the cash-rich citizens. AC Milan were unlucky to lose to Barcelona but still progress from their group. Even lacklustre Inter have qualified in as group winners with a game to spare.

Ultimately, I don't think there are many out there who wouldn't want to see a strong Italian championship once again. One can only hope Serie A can successfully overcome their problems and re-establish itself as league we all look upon in awe once more.

Ugly-ass trophy though

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Arsing about: Gunners Give Chelsea the Blues - Weekend Observations: 29th-30th October 2011

2011-10-30T23:40:00.008Z

There was a time when the teams at the Premier League summit would go into matches against one another exercising caution and contesting dull, cagey low scoring encounters that did nothing to back up the claim that the English top flight is "The Best League in the World". However, all that seems to have changed this season. Who would have thought at just a quarter of the way through the campaign we would have seen the kind of jaw-dropping, pinch yourself, lay off the LSD type of scorelines from the head-to-heads between the top clubs? Manchester City have demolished crosstown rivals and current champions United. They also went to White Hart Lane and tore Champions League hopefuls Tottenham a new one. Spurs themselves responded to that beating by giving Liverpool something of a pasting.

Then there's Arsenal. A truly disastrous start to the season was compounded with a miserable afternoon at Old Trafford. The astounding 8-2 set back against Manchester United was less a football match but more a kind of snuff film. Going into this weekend's game against Chelsea at Stamford Bridge, not many people would have given them a prayer. I'm willing to bet that, to a man, every single Arsenal supporter on the planet would have taken a draw if offered on Friday evening. But alas, this unpredictable mistress that we call football pulls another surprise from of her bag of tricks in the form of the Gunners' astonishing 5-3 victory.

One of the many criticisms levelled at Arsenal over the weeks (years?) concerns a supposed lack of leadership. If Robin van Persie's umpteenth barnstorming performance and subsequent hat-trick are not considered a form of leadership then you're going to have to sit me down in a classroom and have a qualified teacher tell me what is. He may not be the 'shouter' that we are told every team worth their salt requires but by God does he lead by example. His latest treble made it 28 goals in 27 league matches this calendar year. If other players in the Arsenal team could find a level of consistency anywhere near that, then the team would be in far better shape that it currently finds itself.

One player in particular whose general performances are about as random as a bag of licorice allsorts is Theo Walcott. Having had something of a hit and miss season (career?), young Theo reserved his best showing for Saturday when he gave Ashley Cole more problems than a hairdresser with a kiss and tell story. His contribution to the scoresheet was something special too.

Having gone behind twice and then allowing Chelsea to equalise at 3-3, It was a surprising turn up for the books to see the Arsenal team stand firm and show rare but tremendous character to win the match so emphatically. Especially given the frequency of humiliating collapses that have occurred far, far too often in recent years. The win puts them just 3 points behind their vanquished opponents and, whisper it, back on course to challenge for a top four finish.

Since that fateful day in Manchester, talk of the club's supposed demise have filled more column inches in the Sports media than anything else. The number of back page leads declaring a crisis at the Emirates would probably exceed the number of journalists employed to write them.

What has gone unnoticed it would seem is the fact that since a befuddling 4-3 setback at Blackburn, the supposedly beleaguered Arsene Wenger has now led his team to 8 wins in 9 games in three competitions. If that's a crisis, 95% of football teams must be in complete meltdown.

More so than most teams, discussion of Arsenal falls foul of that lazy way of observing football whereby if something isn't fantastic then by default it must be complete shit. No other club is spoken of in such black and white terms and we're all guilty of it. The football is always described as 'wonderful' even when it isn't. The youth policy is always described as a success even when things go a bit Jérémie Aliadière. On the flip side, failure to win a trophy for a few years apparently means that the whole club needs rebuilding from the top down. People also draw the conclusion that selling player X automatically means the club is in freefall. Arsene Wenger is either a genius or a clown. They MUST buy or they MUST not. There is very rarely middle ground. Nobody in Islington will pretend that all is rosy in the Arsenal garden but the apocalyptic headlines that have been written about the club this season have bordered on absurd. The team have definitely started to show signs of turning that mythical corner.

Admittedly, the recent good run hadn't exactly seen them take on the cream of world football and they have been blessed with a number of home matches so when people spoke of a trip to Stamford Bridge being a 'true test' of any supposed Arsenal revival, the point was most certainly a valid one especially given that their last league win on the road was waaaaaay back against relegated Blackpool in the spring.

Not only did they pass the test, but they pretty much received top marks. It's not quite time to proclaim the second coming of the Invincibles but it might make one two people think twice before writing eulogies for the North Londoners.

Of course, one thing that still seems inescapable are the prevalent frailties in defence. Arsenal's makeshift backline was typically far from secure. Andre Santos, Per Mertesaker and Johan Djourou had a torrid time of it on Saturday lunchtime and were culpable for at least two of the three goals conceded and made a number of other laughable mistakes throughout.

However, if this is an accusation you can lay at the door of the Arsenal team, what then does one say about Chelsea? The Blues conceded five at home. FIVE! An unthinkable scenario in recent years. Since their Abramovich-funded ascension up the table, one thing you could always say about Chelsea was that they were built on a solid defensive base. All that seems to have gone straight out of the window because right now, they look a complete mess. In Jose Mourinho's first year in charge, they conceded a miserly 15 Premier League goals all season. They've conceded that many in just 10 games this year. Last week, our learned friends in the football media pointed the collective finger at the erratic David Luiz. This week the Brazilian wasn't in the side which would suggest that there is something wrong with new manager Andre Villas-Boas' tactical approach which, while very exciting going forward, evidently leaves them far too vulnerable at the back. The personnel hasn't changed but it's obvious they are playing a far more open game than they are used to.

If they are to make waves domestically and challenge for the ever-elusive Champions League crown in Europe, something needs to be done to shore things up because the ease at which Arsenal were able to slice them open time and time again, is something that will encourage any half decent side Chelsea will face between now and the end of the season.

All that said, I'm sure I speak for most people when I say that John Terry falling on his face for Arsenal's all important fourth goal filled me with great joy and wonderful, wonderful feelings of schadenfreude. Karma is a bitch, isn't it, John?

Away from West London, it was a pretty unremarkable weekend in the Premier League (I write this before the inevitable 6-6 draw between Stoke and Newcastle on Monday night...). Spurs and Liverpool both won as expected against QPR and West Brom respectively. Gareth Bale appeared to have made Sky's Super Sunday panel simultaneously climax as he scored an impressive brace for the former in comfortable 3-1 win that taught us nothing. Meanwhile, my love-hate relationship with the odious and despicable Luis Suarez continued as he put in another scintillating showing in the Scouse side's 2-0 win at the Hawthorns.

Special shouts to Norwich and Swansea who continue to perform above expectations. Blackburn's draw at Carrow Road was the only point picked up by either them, Bolton or Wigan in the bottom three. Things could and should have been better for Rovers who were cruising at 3-1 and were very unfortunate to have a last minute penalty awarded against them as the match ended 3-3. It almost makes you feel sorry for Steve Kean... almost!

People looking for a 'reaction' from Manchester United after their pummelling last weekend may well have been left disappointed after the reds laboured to a Javier Hernandez inspired 1-0 win over Everton. People spoke before the game as though Sir Fergie's team would show up at Goodison Park and tear the Toffees to shreds. Or more fittingly, chew them up and spit them. That was never going to realistically happen but more important than achieving a 'big' win was just getting any sort of win at all. As an added bonus, United kept a clean sheet a huge and significant achievement given the many question marks over their defence.

Keeping pace at the top of the table, City beat Wolves fairly comfortably for the second time in a week without really breaking a sweat and despite being reduced to ten men. If you're wondering whether that is down to how good City are or how much Wolves are struggling at present, I can confidently and lazily state that it's both.

Results

Saturday
Chelsea 3-5 Arsenal
Everton 0-1 Manchester United
Manchester City 3-1 Wolves
Norwich 3-3 Blackburn
Sunderland 2-2 Aston Villa
Swansea 3-1 Bolton
Wigan 0-2 Fulham
West Brom 0-2 Liverpool

Sunday
Tottenham 3-1 QPR

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Too Sixy for his shirt - Super Mario's Fire Power downs United: Weekend Observations - 22nd-23rd October 2011

2011-10-24T17:24:00.006+01:00

Far be it from me to make almost ludicrous and churlish comparisons between football and genuinely serious world events but isn't it peculiar that for the second time in less than a week a long standing dominant, repressive regime has been toppled and a perceived benevolent dictator toppled and humiliated in his own back yard as a new ruling force comes into power? For Libya, see Manchester. For Colonel Muammar Gaddafi, see Sir Alex Ferguson. For the NTC, see Manchester City. As Libyan rebels took control of pro-Gaddafi stronghold Sirte this past Thursday, the Blues similarly marched into the impregnable fortress that is Old Trafford, where the home side had won 24 of their previous 25 matches, and came away with an emphatic 6-1 victory over the champions that probably had Fergie wishing he was hiding in a drainage pipe on the outskirts of Salford.

The United manager proclaimed afterward that it had been his worst day in football and you would be hard pressed to argue. The result was the reds' biggest defeat on home soil since 1955 and the first time United had conceded six goals at home since before the second world war (1930). More stats you ask? City's biggest away derby win in 85 years, first time City have scored 6 in a derby since 1926 and the scoreline also equals the biggest margin in Manchester derby win. When I was younger I saw a rampant Man Utd side destroy City 5-0 at Old Trafford. Never in a million years did I ever think I would see that reversed.

The massacre began with a goal from headline magnet Super Mario Balotelli who was in the news less than 24 hours earlier thanks to his premature Guy Fawkes celebrations going somewhat awry. After opening the score with a deft finish following great work by James Milner, mad Mario nonchalantly lifted his top to reveal a t-shirt emblazoned with the now famous question “WHY ALWAYS ME?”. Whether there is an answer that doesn't require the services of an entire team of mental health professionals, I cannot say for sure but I think I speak for most people when I say, I hope it continues to be 'always you', Mario.

The Italian grabbed a second after the break before Sergio Aguero, David Silva and two from substitute Edin Dzeko all made sure that the trip back to Surrey for the Old Trafford faithful would be a long and painful one. Darren Fletcher arguably scored the goal of the game by way of a response but it proved to be totally inconsequential.

The blues looked magical at times with the unplayable David Silva pulling the kind of tricks that would make Derren Brown look like Tommy Cooper. The little Spaniard put in one of the all time great Premier League performances and for my money, was the indisputable man of the match in team that had so many others playing so fantastically well. Micah Richards played like a man possessed both defending against Ashley Young and getting forward to contribute in attacks. James Milner was dominant in the midfield while Vincent Kompany put in a typically assured performance at the back. Even Joleyon Lescott looked like a competent defender for the most part.

It was always inevitable given their resources, that when this team got it together they would prove the toughest of nuts to crack but few envisioned that they could pull out a performance as jaw-dropping as this this against their nearest and dearest. The win leaves the expensively assembled cash rich Citizens now five points clear at the top of the table. After a result like this, it is difficult to see how anyone else is going to be able to keep pace with a squad so strong in every department as well as in reserve. Just think, the likes of Nigel de Jong and Samir Nasri weren't even needed at Old Trafford. That said, we all know that trophies aren't handed out in October so it would be tantamount to stupidity to declare them as champions elect at this stage.

Similarly, you'd be a fool of gargantuan proportions to write off their vanquished opponents. Anyone with even a passing interest in football knows that you dismiss United at your peril. As supporters of other teams, it is our right, nay, our DUTY to enjoy their humiliation, rub it in their faces as much as is humanly possible, and ridicule them until our throats are hoarse because deep down, we all know that we don't get the opportunity all that often. Let us not forget that off the back of previous thumpings, Sir Alex's teams have rallied and come back strong. 5-0 defeats in 1996 and 1999 by Newcastle and Chelsea respectively were followed by title wins in the same season as was the 4-1 setback against Liverpool in 2009. The Red Devils' powers of recovery would put Wolverine to shame.

However, it is all too simplistic to use these previous examples to suggest that things will be the same this time around. Firstly, as stated, the strength of City team is like no other and would require a Lindsey Lohan style self-destruction to balls things up this season. Secondly, and most importantly, you have to seriously question how good this United side actually is. In the end, six was actually generous on a United defence that continues to look about as secure as James Cordon's belt buckle. The reds have conceded an average of 20 shots to the opposition per game at home in just five outings this season. To put that into perspective, the bottom three Blackburn (15), Wigan (16) and Bolton (17) have all allowed visiting teams less shots per game on average (Stats courtesy of www.whoscored.com). The fact that City enjoyed so much freedom in the attacking third will be no surprise to anyone who saw United get away with it against Cheslea and Norwich where the profligacy of the opposition did as much to contribute to victories as anything the home side did.

Constant changes in personal at the back haven't helped one bit but the questionable form of the players that have been called upon is a massive worry. The less said about Rio Ferdinand's current state, the better. Against City, one could argue that the scoreline may not have been so bad had Johnny Evans not been dismissed at 1-0 but let's be honest, Evans only has himself and his glaring limitations as a defender to blame for his red card.

Evan at that stage, you would expect a team of United's stature to show something in the way of caution and damage limitation against such a potent attack. Mind you, without any protection from an increasingly powerpuff midfield, the defence is always going to be in trouble. The likes of Fletcher, Carrick, Anderson, Gibson etc are simply not up to the standard of a top class club. Looking at the midfield's of Barca, Madrid, Chelsea and of course City, United falls well, well short and must improve drastically in this area if they want to continue to consider themselves in this upper echelon of football teams.

With great reluctance, I've long since extolled the virtues of Manchester United and unashamedly reeled off clichés about their ability to 'dig deep', having a will to win, not knowing when they are beat and possessing a winning mentality that all of Sheik Mansour's billions wouldn't be able to buy. However, none of this was evident against City as they imploded in such a horrific fashion it could have reduced small children to tears. In a local derby too, that is just not acceptable.

We all expect United to 'bounce back' but let's not take it as given this time around.

Also on Sunday, another derby took place down in my working locale of West London as Chelsea went to QPR for the first time in the Premier League in some 15 years. To the surprise of pretty much everybody, the Superhoops won 1-0 but the scoreline failed to tell the story of another eventful, if poor, match. The only goal was scored when the increasingly erratic David Luiz inexplicably fouled Heidar Helguson in the box before the Icelandic dusted himself down to convert the resulting penalty. The end of the scoring, but far from the end of the incident as Chelsea had Jose Bosingwa and Didier Drogba sent off before half time and had to play the entire second 45 with just nine men. I can't be sure of another occasion when a result has ever reflected so badly on the winning team. QPR, despite a two man advantage were abject and created very little. Neil Warnock's team seemed to want to play on the counter attack but a general lack of quality throughout the team meant every attack broke down. To their credit, Chelsea were by far the better side for the remainder of the match. They dominated possession, carved out a number of chances and most certainly deserved something for their troubles including a nailed on penalty that ought to have been awarded when Frank Lampard was fouled by Fitz Hall.

After the game, Andres Villas-Boas had a massive whinge about the referee Chris Foy who for once, actually had a decent game bar the Lampard penalty appeal. There can be no complaints about either dismissal. Bosingwa prevented a clear goal scoring opportunity and Drogba's tackle was two-footed and dangerous. End of. However, it does say a great deal about the standard of Foy's usual refereeing that only getting ONE decision wrong is reason for praise.
Ultimately, the result is a huge upset but one that almost goes under the radar thanks to the events in Manchester.

Another talking point from the match was England Captain John Terry apparently being caught on camera racially abusing Anton Ferdinand. The England Captain supposedly shouted that Ferdinand is a “fucking black cunt”. If the England Captain did say this, then I'm sure I'm not the wouldn't be surprised. We all know exactly what kind of person the England Captain is. Some typically blinkered Chelsea fans who fail to realise they worship a complete scumbag, have tried to suggest the England Captain was in fact 'only' calling the referee a “fucking BLIND cunt” as if that is acceptable. Even if this was the case, it's good to see the Captain of England in full support of the FA's RESPECT campaign.

However, having seen the video myself, I have to say that nothing is conclusive although my actual first thought was that he was in fact saying “fucking PIKEY cunt” to Paddy Kenny after a clash between the two. Still pretty offensive.

Terry himself has said it was a misunderstanding but he's hardly likely to say anything else, is he?

I would provide a link to draw your own conclusions but it of course the damning evidence can no longer be found. Presumably after the Premier League Stasi had it removed.

Elsewhere in London, Arsenal started to look something like their old selves beating Stoke 3-1 and playing with a kind of swagger that hasn't been seen at the Emirates for quite some time. That said, it was against a team that seems allergic to keeping possession. The frightfully prolific Robin van Persie, who was rested from the starting line up, came off the bench and scored the two decisive goals. Gervinho, who had his best game since signing in the summer, set up both the Dutchman's strikes after himself scoring the first. Peter Crouch had scrambled in an equaliser but it proved irrelevant. Whether the gunners are 'back' remains to be seen but they seem to be turning something of a corner following an absolutely wretched start to the campaign. The big test comes next weekend at Stamford Bridge but 5 wins in their last 6 should put them in good stead going into that encounter.

North London rivals Tottenham predictably beat Blackburn at Ewood Park (amid more protests against the hapless Steve Kean) with their own Dutch hero Rafael van Der Vaart grabbing a brace and keeping Spurs well on course to grab that much sought after last Champions League place. That said, it would be thoroughly disrespectful to a still-unbeaten Newcastle who beat Wigan to consolidate fourth spot on Saturday.

Other fourth place hopefuls Liverpool huffed and puffed but could not get the better of the Canaries of Norwich in Saturday evening's 1-1 draw at Anfield. Having dominated the game pretty much from start to finish, the final result was a travesty but quite simply, if you don't put away presentable chances then you don't win football matches. Grant Holt's equaliser in front of the Kop may not have been deserved but it was suitable punishment for the home side's comical wastefulness. I'm sure I'm not the only person in the country who laughed heartily as £35m uber-donkey Andy Carroll sent his stoppage time header to win the game wide of the target. Luis Suarez, for all his quality, must be disappointed with his conversion rate as he certainly doesn't score as many goals as his ability deserves. 'King' Kenny, without irony it would seem, made a point of discussing the need for protection for his diving cheat of a striker but would be better served getting the Uruguayan to spend a few more hours at Melwood practising his finishing.

Merseyside rivals Everton finally had something to smile about after beating Fulham 3-1 in a match that will be remembered a great Fulham goal and a great Fulham miss. Bryan Ruiz opened his his account for the Whites with a delicious chip that will go some way to be bettered this season and left the home fans in raptures. Their joy sadly turned to despair as Bobby Zamora missed a last minute chance to win the game by smashing the ball into the Thames when it would have been easier to score. Everton immediately went up the other end to score not one, but two goals to rub salt into the Fulham wounds. The worst thing about this is the fact that people STILL believe that Zamora should play for England.

Finally, the furious West Midlands derby between Aston Villa and West Brom was not going to pass without incident. For the record, Chris Herd's sending off was a joke. The fact that Chris Brunt took one of the worst penalties ever seen was a measure of justice. That said, Alan Hutton should have walked for a scandalous tackle on Shane Long that could have easily crippled the Albion man. It baffles me how stupid football people are when they think they can justify dangerous play by saying things like 'he played the ball'. Hutton's disgusting tackle is proof as if any is needed that winning the ball does not mean that a tackle isn't reckless. A foul isn't negated by winning the ball and I wish people like Alex McLiseh among others, could actually understand that.

Results

Saturday
Aston Villa 1-2 West Brom
Bolton 0-2 Sunderland
Liverpool 1-1 Norwich
Newcastle 1-0 Wigan
Wolves 2-2 Swansea

Sunday
Arsenal 3-1 Stoke
Blackburn 1-2 Tottenham
Fulham 1-3 Everton
Man Utd 1-6 (six) Man City
QPR 1-0 Chelsea

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Derby Daze - Weekend Observations 1st-2nd October 2011

2011-10-04T00:03:00.009+01:00

The major talking point of the Premier League this weekend came in the early kick off on Saturday and the so-called 'Friendly' Merseyside derby between the Blues of Everton and the reds of Liverpool at Goodison Park. These games are often quite close but on the occasion the game was over as context when referee Martin Atkinson chose to dismiss Everton's Jack Rodwell for having the temerity to execute the perfect slide tackle during the first half. Of course the pathetic reaction of Luis Suarez didn't help the Everton player but you didn't even need two working eyes to see that his ball winning slide was clean. Atkinson was right on top of it too so you wonder how he came to the baffling conclusion that Rodwell had to walk. Refereeing incompetence at it's finest. After his whinging about officials in weeks gone by, 'King' Kenny's silence after this terrible decision spoke volumes.

A word on Suarez. I feel so conflicted when I watch him. On one hand, A glorious footballer that we are privileged to have gracing our league - and so he proved with yet another well taken goal in this game - but on the other, a filthy, disgusting cheat. The whole world saw the diving and feigning injury for both Rodwell's red card and a missed Dirk Kuyt penalty later in the half. The fact we all saw it (aside from a minority of idiotic Liverpool fans inexplicably defending their man) and generally agree that his behaviour was not acceptable should be all the evidence needed for the authorities to start handing out retrospective punishments for this type of thing.

As I said, with a beleaguered Everton a man down, Liverpool went on to win 2-0. Most humiliating for the Toffees was the fact they allowed even Andy Carroll to score despite playing like a lame horse for the most part. The reds were able to secure their second away win of the season. Curiously enough, the victory was only attained after the opposition had been reduced to 10 men – exactly the same circumstances as their only other win on the road at Arsenal. The win keeps them 5th in the table.

The only other talking point in the game was the moronic Everton fans who felt throwing objects at Liverpool was acceptable. If this had taken place in Europe, we'd all be screaming blue murder (no pun intended). The club has since said they would take 'firm action' against any guilty party and so they should. If you can't enjoy football without being able to control your emotions then you certainly shouldn't be able to allowed to watch the sport around other people.

More fan shame in the other big derby of the weekend at White Hart Lane where fan chants have seemingly taken up more column inches than the football. Some Arsenal fans were quite vocal in their feelings towards their former striker Emmaual Adebayor who now wears the white of arch rivals Tottenham. I'm all for a bit of 'banter' at football but I think singing about how you wish somebody was shot and killed in a tragic incident that actually saw innocent people lose their lives, then, regardless of who you support, you are a fucking idiot. Although, the condemnation from 'Arry was a bit precious given the fact Spurs fans were themselves guilty of giving the Togo international years of abuse before he became one of their own. I guess selective hearing meant that he didn't hear the home fans calling the Arsenal manager a 'pedophile' (and not for the first time either). Let's also not forget the fact that the wheeler dealer himself previously condemned the Tottenham faithful for their very own 'filthy' abuse aimed at a certain Sol Campbell some years back.

Both clubs have made a joint statement promising to root out any culprits and ban them for life. A noble sentiment but I seriously doubt it can be enforced with such large numbers involved. Games behind closed doors is the only solution in my most humble of opinions. Not ideal I admit but having the same tedious conversations whenever people chant about Hilsborough, Munich and the like is beginning to grate. The idiots only ever learn if you take away their ability to go to games. Of course, it is a completely unworkable idea. You would have to be very naive to believe that any club will ever accept this a solution due to the masses of revenue they will lose. Given that we are all aware that football as a whole cares more about making money than stamping out these problems then you have to wonder why any of us waste our breath even talking about it.

Anyway... the match itself saw Tottenham secure only a second home league win against Arsenal since 1999. The score that day was 2-1, as it was in 2010 and Spurs won by the same scoreline yet again on this occasion as goals from Rafael van der Vaart and Kyle Walker gave Spurs a fourth successive league win and condemned Arsenal to fourth defeat in just seven games this season.

The result came a day after the Arsene Wenger celebrated the 15th years in charge of the gunners. At no point during that decade and half could one ever really doubt the at times embarrassing superiority Arsenal had over Spurs. Wenger has faced no less that eight different Tottenham managers since arriving from Japan in 1996 and only once during that long period was he side ever at risk of finishing below the team from Haringey. It seems a bizarre coincidence that this anniversary signalled something of a dynamic shift. You'd be hard-pressed to find a gooner with his head buried so deep in the sand that would argue against the fact Spurs look the better of the two teams right now and even at this early stage, are well placed to end the season well ahead of their arch rivals. Of course, the comical injury situation at the Emirates has played it's part but it has merely served to show how weak they are beyond their first XI. Man for man, you'd be looking to Tottenham High Road rather than Finsbury Park for the better all-round squad.

Arsenal didn't actually start that badly and on another day van der Vaart's goal could and should have been ruled out for handball. However, Wenger's better teams of years gone by would only considered this a minor inconvenience before re-establishing their dominance. As we have seen time and time again in recent years, the current side are totally incapable of responding to set backs. A fact punctuated by the total lack of attacking endeavour in the time remaining following Walker's stunning winner. There is a lazy regurgitated assumption that they 'lack leaders' but when you watch them surrender games so meekly, there is little else to say.

I don't care enough about the Clive Allen-Wenger spat to comment on it by the way.

Another team who suffered a derby day defeat were QPR who were on the wrong end of a 6-0 lashing by a Fulham side that looked like world beaters in spells. Yes, Neil Warnock's team were pretty shocking but some of the Fulham football was outstanding. Had Barcelona played like the West London Whites, you wouldn't be able to walk for all the sticky stuff in your underpants.

The link up play between hat trick hero Andy Johnson and Bobby Zamora was at times quite delicious with the former looking to re-establish himself as something of a ruthless goal-getter after some years in the wilderness thanks to injury and the like. Goals from Clint Dempsey, Danny Murphy and Zamora himself completed the rout. After an indifferent start to the season, this sort of win is exactly what was needed at the Cottage. I've never had any doubts that Martin Jol is going to do a decent job down by the Thames.

The other team from that part of the world had an equally comprehensive victory. Chelsea went to the Reebok and tore Bolton Wanderers a new one in a 5-1 hammering that actually flattered the awful home side who prop up the table with 6 defeats from 7 and a goal difference of minus 12. Despite this, people still talk favourably of Owen Coyle like he's the sliced bread of management or something. His record with the Trotters has been nothing short of appalling and had he been anyone other than the likeable media-friendly Scot who is actually well-intentioned in his belief in how to play the game, you imagine he would have been handed his P45 already. People will point to their tough start and the fact that the fixture computer wasn't exactly kind to them having had to face Liverpool, Man Utd, Man City, Arsenal and Chelsea in the opening weeks and to an extent I would agree. However, the manner of some of these defeats has been unacceptable.

We all know Bolton are a tiny football club in terms of resources, stature, location and support but cruicially, since returning to the Premier League over a decade ago, they had always been notoriously hard to beat. A trip to the Reebok has always been a potential banana skin and even when welcoming them to your place, you know you are in for a frustrating time. This was the way under Sam Allardyce for years and dare I say it, even Gary Megson's teams provided a sterner test to opposition teams. Under Coyle however, their all too open and inviting approach exposes their obvious limitations and allows any half decent side to pick them off at will. The sheer quantity of goals they concede is astonishing.

In the Chelsea game, many will focus on the terrible performance of Adam Bogdan in goal but let's be fair, his defence offered him no protection whatsoever – even “past it” Frank Lampard managed a hat-trick! The real test for Owen Coyle comes in the next few weeks when the fixtures are slightly kinder but if they are still floating in around the wrong end of the table come Christmas then serious questions will need to be asked of the manager. The first being why he is so highly thought of if he cannot rouse his team from their current state of malaise which, let's be brutally honest, is a continuation of a poor end to last season too.

There is a similar narrative at Lancashire neighbours Blackburn where a once hardened outfit are no more than a sad, unfunny joke. This weekend, the hapless Steve Kean sent out a team to bend over for Manchester City. A team whose continued improvement was further emphasised by the fact they were able to do the very un-City-like thing of sweeping aside the controversies of last week and responding with an emphatic 4-0 victory. Adam Johnson, Samir Nasri and Stefan Savic all scored their first goals of the season but yet again the main talking point centred around a hot-headed, controversial striker. Of course, this time it was all positive as Super Mario Balotelli scored his third goal in a fortnight for the Blues. Since his arrival last summer, very little talk of Balotelli has centred around his football. Such is the frequency of some crazy off-field antic he is involved in that many would have been forgiven for thinking he was only signed to provide entertainment as some sort of comic sideshow to the football. People are actually scratching their heads in bewilderment as they realise he is actually a half decent player and yet another vital cog in this seemingly unstoppable Manchester City machine powering it's way through the Premier League.

The timing of this apparent blossoming from Balotelli could not be better given the Carlos Tevez affair and the fact Sergio Aguero may be waylaid with injury over the coming weeks. Now that the Italian is getting game time, one would expect he won't be so 'bored' and might actually go on to be the quality player that so many have touted him to be.

Neighbours Manchester United won 2-0 against a Norwich City team that were unfortunate not to actually beat their more illustrious opponents. The Canaries were almost given the freedom of Old Trafford, creating chance after chance but fluffing their lines at the crucial moment, time and time again. Anderson and Danny Welbeck sealed win but the goals did not tell the full story. The United defence hasn't looked convincing at any point this season and how they kept a clean sheet this past weekend is a mystery to one and all. A more clinical Chelsea team would have put them to the sword a few weeks back, Stoke caused all kinds of problems last week while Basel's draw in midweek owed much to the these obvious weaknesses in the United back line. Johnny Evans looks so far out of depth he might have to start playing with an inflatable rubber ring around his waist while Rio Ferdinand could easily be mistaken for his inept brother Anton these days. Summer signing Phil Jones' tenacity and attacking intent masks some very big defensive flaws to his game. It's difficult to criticise a team that is still top of the league and flying but I think it would be crazy to ignore the problems at the back. If things do not improve, it's only a matter of time before they are caught out.

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Charlie Big Potatoes - The Tevez Story

2011-09-28T11:25:00.015+01:00

The fuse on the powder keg relationship between Manchester City and Carlos Tevez was lit and went up with a furious bang in Munich this week as the cash rich Citizens slumped to a 2-0 defeat against a rampant Bayern side in their Champions League group match. The football itself ended up taking a back seat as a more dramatic story was taking place on the touchline. For those that don't know, in the 55th minute of the match at the Allianz Arena, Roberto Mancini, desperately trying to claw his side back into the game, decided to withdraw the ineffective Edin Dzeko and replace him with one Mr Tevez. Astonishingly, the temperamental Argentinean forward apparently refused to go on and kept his posterior planted on the bench.

Very comfortable seats in that Allianz dugout, I'm told...

You don't need me to tell you that this was one of the most outrageous things a player could do. For all the other many misdemeanors footballers are (rightly) criticised for, refusal to actually play and do the job you are paid to do is up there with the worst. An act of disrespect aimed at the club, the fans, management and without exaggeration, is an affront to the game itself.

It's not unreasonable to suggest that Tevez behaved like a first class, certified Grade-A twat with this act of childishness. Whatever your feelings, you are obliged to be professional – a word seemingly missing from Charlie T's limited vocabulary.

Understandably, a seething Mancini felt that this act of insubordination should not go unpunished and soon declared that Tevez' career at Eastlands was finito with some sort of transfer, almost certainly abroad, expected to take place sooner rather than later....

Tevez’ expected departure from these here shores draws a close to a highly controversial chapter in English Premier League football. His distinctive facial scar from a burn suffered in his childhood could well be symbolic representation for the impact he has left on the game. From the moment he touched down in London back in 2006 to his imminent exit shortly, the tenacious little Argentine has never been far from the headlines, proving to be one of the most curious characters to kick a ball on this wee island of ours.

Tevez was first brought to my attention when I was as a layabout student back in 2004. Rather then taking advantage of my fine academic institution by doing something worthwhile such as joining sports clubs or meeting girls, I wasted many an hour playing Championship Manager 03/04 with my flatmate Matt. Said flatmate had previously done a gap year travelling South America where the only useful thing he came back with was the knowledge that Boca Juniors had a highly rated youngster on their books who was set to become most exciting Argentine striker for many a year.

Matt used this knowledge to sign the ‘hot prospect’ for his Roma side and caused constant frustration for me and my Internazionale team as he and I battled for the Serie A title year after fictional year.

“F****** Carlos Tevez” was a phrase I uttered on almost a daily basis during my first year.

Naturally, like most highly rated players on Champo, I expected never to hear of him again. I like to call it Cherno Samba syndrome. However, Tevez again came into my consciousness a year later when he made his initial move (in real life now obviously) to Corinthians from Boca following an explosive start to a career that included a Copa Libertadores win and two Argentinean Player of the Year awards. The transfer probably wouldn’t have even made a ripple in Europe had it not been for the unique circumstances in which it was concluded.

Fresh off the takeover at Chelsea two years prior, football was entering a new era; that of multi-billionaire ownerships. Of course, rich owners were around before 2003 but the kind of vast sums Abramovich et al have been throwing around in recent years were previously inconceivable. What does this have to do with Tevez? Well, the supposed £13m forked out by Cornithians smashed the record of any transfer fee in South America up until that point. The Brazilians had been recently bought by the highly mysterious Media Sports Investments (MSI) headed by the Iranian born businessman Kia Joorabchian who could easily be a James Bond baddie in the right light. MSI bankrolled the transfer and, as it emerged later, ‘owned the economic rights’ to Tevez as well. This was clearly not a typical player-agent relationship. Basically, despite being under contract to the club, the player was actually the property of a ‘third party’ – a phrase that would be become so prominent and repeated in English football a couple of years later that I was often tempted to drive a rusty screwdriver into my eardrum to avoid having to hear it again.

Now, I am not going to pretend I pay close enough attention to transfer market in South America to have been particularly concerned by the move itself. However, my interest was piqued by the fact that this whole convoluted situation was covered in an article in The Times where the implication was that third party ownership may well be the future of football transfers.

However, this apparent revolutionary idea not so much hit a buffer, but rather slammed head first into a brick wall when it crossed the Atlantic and hit these shores.

As I have suggested time and time again, things tend to go a little bit insane on transfer deadline day. Desperate attempts to do business before the window shuts often leads to the most unexpected of deals taking place. In August 2006, I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who had the BBC deadline day live updates on my browser while frantically bashing away at the F5 key curious to know who was going where.

Every year, some cad sends in rumour about having spotted some high profile international at some obscure location. When it was suggested that Tevez, along with the equally highly rated Javier Mascherano were seen in London, everybody scoffed. Even if this were true, you would automatically assume they would be at the Kings Road, Finsbury Park or even Tottenham High Road. I doubt there was a single football supporter who would have expected or believed believe that two players that had participated in the World Cup and reached the quarter finals just two months prior would be strutting around the East End about to sign for West Ham United!

But alas, this is exactly what happened. Amidst talk of an MSI takeover of the club, Joorabchian had engineered a move for two world renowned superstars to Upton Park. The world had officially gone mad. We all stood open mouthed as then-manager Alan Pardew – smugness personified – appeared on TV looking very much like the cat that got the cream – if the cream in question was being accompanied by Champagne and lobster and being served by Jessica Alba wearing nothing but a smile.

With two new stars and an impending takeover, what could possibly go wrong? Well, let’s not forget this is West Ham we are talking about. Pardew somehow couldn’t fit the two new acquisitions into his side and the Hammers found themselves, typically, flirting with relegation. The MSI takeover fell through and the club were instead bought by an Icelandic consortium that turned out to be even more of a disaster than the country’s volcanoes and ash clouds of a year or so back. I’m not sure what else they expected from a group apparently run by Humpty Dumpty’s clumsier twin brother.

Tevez and Mascherano struggled to settle with the latter hot-footing it to Anfield within a couple of months. Pardew blamed the team’s poor form on the two suggesting that their initial signing was ‘disruptive’. I’m less inclined to take Pards seriously given that he often reckoned a generally hapless Bobby Zamora, a geriatric Teddy Sheringham and something called Marlon Harewood were all better options up front than the three-time South American player of the year.

Pardew was ultimately shown the door and replaced by Alan Curbishley in a move one can only describe as the equivalent of taking an old Skoda with a blown-out engine and replacing it with an old Skoda with a blown-out engine.

There were just 10 games left of the season when Tottenham travelled to the Boylen in March 2007. A thrilling and dramatic game ended 4-3 to the away side handing West Ham a 5th consecutive league defeat. The result aside, the game however featured a pivotal moment that may well have been the catalyst for the club’s survival. Carlos Tevez opened his West Ham account with a brilliant free kick and celebrated by whipping off his shirt and diving head first into ecstatic Irons fans. There’s nothing new about this sort of celebration but on this particular occasion it sparked what was to be the start of a beautiful, if short lived, relationship. The ecstasy and euphoria in the celebration showed that this was a player that truly gave a shit about the club he was playing for. The many fans that questioned him up until this point had no doubts about his commitment to the cause. The battle was lost on the day but the war was far from over. West Ham won 7 of the remaining 9 games with an instrumental Tevez scoring 6 times including the only goal in a 1-0 win at Old Trafford – interestingly, not to be his last goal on this ground – on the final day that kept his side in the top flight.

The Hammers have always been a club that have prided themselves on their “Englishness”. If you’ve ever met one of their fans you’ll know full well that it was West Ham who actually won the 1966 World Cup. Now, I’m not trying to imply they are all card carrying skinheads in East London but it was quite strange and also warming to see them embrace a foreigner – an Argentinean no less – as one of their own. Such was his impact in those months, Tevez was voted Hammer of the Year and is almost spoken of on equal terms as the club’s other great overseas hero, one Paulo Di Canio.

Unfortunately, this apparent fairytale didn’t result in anyone living happily ever after. While third party ownership is an accepted practice elsewhere, here in good ol’ Blighty we forbid such things. Listening to some people, you would think that illegal immigration is preferable.

After they were found to have hidden the details of Tevez’ (and Mascherano’s) ownership from the authorities, West Ham received a record fine but survived a points deduction and even more significantly, were allowed to keep fielding Tevez for those crucial end of season matches that he had such a major influence on.

Given that Tevez was technically ‘illegible’ you can imagine the team(s) that went down might feel somewhat aggrieved. Cue threats of legal action and a messy, messy two year legal battle by relegated Sheffield United which finally resulted in an out of court settlement that has been rumoured to have cost The Hammers nearly as much as dropping down a division would have.

Furthermore, Tevez’ rich vein of form during the run-in merely proved what many believed from the moment he arrived in Newham; That he was quite simply far too good for a team at the wrong end of the table. A mooted move to Manchester United encountered all kinds of complications due to the fact he was still ‘owned’ by MSI while West Ham owned his registration. Knowing they essentially wouldn’t receive a transfer fee, it was the East London club’s turn to threaten a trip to court. After much too-ing and fro-ing, an agreement was reached to compensate West Ham and Tevez would be ‘loaned’ to the Reds by Joorabchian for two years with the option of a permanent deal afterwards. After two seasons, 34 goals, two league titles, a Champions League trophy and a winning goal in front of the Kop at Anfield (one way to endear yourself to United fans forever) later, yet more contract controversy was to follow.

United had delayed talks and as the 2008/9 season was drawing to a close, there was still no offer on the table. At the start of May, United took on crosstown rivals City at Old Trafford where Tevez hammered in a fantastic long range strike to give the Reds a 2-0 lead they would hold on to until the final whistle. The fans inside Old Trafford celebrated the goal by demanding the Argentine be offered a new contract. Fully aware of this, Tevez sprinted to the bench with his hands cupping his ears in a gesture that seemed to be instructing Fergie and the United board to “listen to the people!”. Whether the United hierarchy saw this as an act of insolence or not will never be known but as it turned out, they weren’t prepared to listen. SurAlex famously claimed that the striker wasn’t worth the reported £25m transfer fee it would have cost to purchase him for MSI.

Of course, as well know and many of my ex-girlfriends will testify, the natural reaction to rejection is revenge and Tevez got his by joining a side that did think he was worth the money - not even needing to move house to do so. In the summer of 2009, Carlos Tevez did the unthinkable and left Manchester United to become a Manchester City player. More than just talking advantage of the situation, the signing was a chance for City to truly flex their financial muscle in the faces of their rivals in an “anything we want, we can have” move. The infamous ‘Welcome to Manchester’ poster was like a visual metaphor of a burglar shitting on the carpet after robbing a house.

One-upsmanship aside, Tevez’ first two years at Eastlands – on the pitch at least – were a revelation and left football fans up and down the country with very little to debate with regards to not only his ability, but his determination each and every time he stepped out onto the pitch. A stark contrast to his actions this week. One of his finest performances in City colours came at Stamford Bridge in February 2010. Amidst a massive furore about players shagging former teammate’s girlfriends and such, Tevez rose above the nonsense to score twice – continuing to expose the John Terry myth in the process – and inspire his side to an emphatic 4-2 victory.

This wasn’t the first high profile game Tevez took centre stage, just a month earlier in the Carling Cup semi final first leg, the two Manchester clubs were drawn against one another and naturally all eyes were on the former United man. He didn’t disappoint as he bagged a brace in a 2-1 win and repeated his cup-eared celebration in front of Reds fans who had gone from cheering his name just a few months earlier to jeering his every touch. The Argentine claimed afterwards that the celebration was aimed solely at ‘sock-sucker’ Gary Neville who he felt needlessly disrespected him before the match. To be honest, anyone who has beef with Gary Neville gets my approval.

United did go on to win the return leg 3-1 to progress to the final but alas, it was Tevez once more who scored City’s goal on the night. I’m not sure of the stats but I can’t imagine there are many other players who have scored at Old Trafford for 3 different teams. An incredible achievement however you look at it.

And it wasn’t all animosity aimed at former clubs, though. When facing West Ham, Tevez has made a very blatant point of saluting their fans as well as refusing to celebrate after scoring for both United and City.

But as we all know, disharmony and Charlie T go hand in hand like the Greek goverment and a gross financial mismanagement. In fairness, the star has had to tend to family issues. In early 2010, he was granted compassionate leave to fly back to Argentina following the premature birth of his second daughter, later that year, it was rumoured that he and his partner had split and she had taken the children back to South America permanently. City allegedly agreed to allow him to fly back to see his family but reneged on this deal causing Carlitos to start talking about leaving City and retiring from football altogether.

Now, I don't have children (thankfully!) and won't try to claim to understand parenthood but for me, if a father or mother is forcibly denied from seeing their child, particularly ones so young, then you can totally understand why they would be unhappy. How many parents would be pleased to accept any amount of money if it meant they had to live on the other side of the world from their children? Not many I imagine.

It was obvious that Tevez' wasn't right in the head and there was even a public spat with manager Roberto Mancini after his substitution against Bolton last December. But despite all the constant whining and complaining, he never shirked his responsibilities. On the pitch he remained as committed as ever. Ending the season on 23 goals and finishing joint Premier League top scorer, Tevez captained City to their most successful season in recent memory as they qualified for the Champions League and won the FA Cup.

Yet glory and money didn’t seem to satisfy him. Tevez criticised Manchester on Argentinean TV, claiming he would never return before releasing a statement declaring once more that he wanted to leave. Despite his influence, City were prepared to show him that, like any footballer, he was replaceable. Before a protracted summer move back to Corinthians collapsed, Tevez' fellow countryman Sergio Aguero was brought in as a potential replacement. The new signing's brilliant form had many of the City faithful asking 'Carlos who?' with very few prepared to shed a tear if their top scorer of recent years was to depart. After the his shameful behaviour in Munich, these same fans have actively started calling for his departure.

Mancini has drawn the battle lines by declaring Tevez persona non grata at Eastlands. The Argentine has half-heartedly tried to defend himself citing a 'misunderstanding' to very little sympathy and many praising Mancini for his hardline approach with an apparent troublemaker. The incumbent City manager has often had it hard since he arrived on these shores. Often undermined by all and sundry for for tactics last season, as well as having to deal with constant speculation about his job, the Italian was effectively swimming against the tide by still managed to come up smelling of roses. However, it would be remiss not to ask the question of the manager given his relationships with other players in the City squad.

Lost in the Tevez kerfuffle was the fact that the substituted player Dzeko also had some public angry words with his manager. This comes off the back of Super Mario Balotelli doing the same in a pre-season friendly over the summer.

Does Mancini have a problem wish discipline? Much of the evidence would suggest so. The argument that he has to contend with big egos is a valid one but he must stamp his authority or risk more confrontations. Critics and naysayers of City's big spending have been waiting for this moment just so they could say 'I told you so' and it is up to a forceful manager to prevent situations like this from happening - especially in public. With Manicini finally taking some strong action, some say the this latest Tevez scandal is the straw to break the camel's back but if we are to use any animal based idiom, the 'punishment' probably more a case of closing the stable door after the horse has bolted.

So what do we make of Tevez? Mercenary, mug or misunderstood? In five short years, for better or for worse, he has made more headlines than most players in the league. Although at times he seems to be no more than a puppet, Carlitos’ continued association with Kia Joorabchian and the acrimony that has followed whenever he has left a club will always have people view him as a disloyal money grabber. His off-field attitude is hardly endearing either. Given the fact he is on fantastic money, earning success and playing for a team undoubtedly on the up, people are entitled to ask why he continues to complain about everything under the sun. He is in a highly privileged position – something he ought to appreciate given the plight of many in his homeland.

But then, even if you don’t sympathise, you must surely understand that his complicated family situation will have an impact on his psyche and general hapiness. Unfortunately for City this has manifested itself in the worst way. His undoubted talismanic quality makes you sit up and take notice no matter who you support and he is in a distinct minority of current players that most teams in Europe would welcome with open arms. That is, if he didn’t come with more baggage than Stansted airport.

There are very few players one can say they genuinely enjoy watching. Tevez is not only a proven Premier League goalscorer – a feat in itself – but manages to combine his South American flair and style with just the right amount of grit and determination that we love oh so much in this country. When you seeing him charging around the pitch like a rabid pitbull from kick off right to the final whistle, you can't help but be impressed by his work rate, something that previously hadn't dropped even during his periods of melancholy.

With his refusal to come as a sub as requested against Bayern, Tevez lost any sympathy that may have remained both from his own fans and the 'neutrals' who just loved him - football wise - for the sheer hell of it. If and when he does leave, City, English football, and fans will be losing a great player but a very unlikable man. Sadly, this outcome will probably be the best for all concerned.

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Mor joy for Norwich - Weekend Observations 24th-26th Sept 2011: Part Two

2011-09-27T00:58:00.009+01:00

Part One here

Monday night saw Norwich welcome a Sunderland team managed by one of their former legends in Steve Bruce. Apparently, many moons ago, Bruce scored an own goal 30 seconds into his Norwich career. Despite some 140 odd appearances, a league cup, promotion and club captaincy, Bruce probably still feels he needs to make amends to the club for his horror debut. I mean, how else could you explain him starting with a defence consisting of Titus Bramble, Wes Brown, John O'Shea and Keiran Richardson? That backline should be mightily relieved this game only finished 2-1 to the home side.

The last time the Norfolk side were in the top flight I was sharing a house with two of their fans so naturally I was quite clued about the goings on at Carrow Road and fairly familiar with their team. Less so these days. Particularly after manager Paul Lambert's transfer tourettes this summer.

I can't imagine there are many people who could tell you much about new striker Steve Morison who scored what turned out to be the winner. Morison is one of those true rags to riches stories we all like. Having spent a great chunk of the noughties in non-league football, he finally got a big move to Millwall in 2009 before a £2m transfer to East Anglia this summer. Now scoring goals at Premier League level, such a feat would have been unthinkable just a few years ago.

Judging him solely on this game, it must be said that he didn't look half bad, constantly terrorising the abovementioned Bramble on a number of occasions. Morison also scored a first international goal for Wales a few weeks back. Not bad for a player who was actually playing part time little over 5 years ago.

The last time Norwich were in the top flight we were also subjected to this...

...thankfully, there was no need this time around.

Despite the win, I still expect the Canaries to struggle. However, this match may have told us that Sunderland are likely to join them in the proverbial dogfight. Having been given the backing to recruit a number of new players in the summer, one would think the Sunderland board musy be putting pressure on Bruce to deliver. Something he is quite clearly failing to do. Rumours about his potential sacking might not be as far fetched as we might have thought a few weeks back.

On the theme of supposedly under fire managers, a peculiar thing happened this weekend. Arsenal played a football match that didn't result in cries of “crisis”, questioning of Arsene Wenger and broken crest images in every tabloid sports publication. If for only a few days, the football media will not be dominated by the gooners and their apparent demise following a pretty easy looking 3-0 win over Bolton. Key man Robin van Persie's brace meant he joined the Arsenal centurions club with his 99th and hundredth goals. While 2011 has been something of a shambles for the club, the Dutchman has excelled and alerted anybody that may have doubted him after his numerous injury troubles.

That said, there have been mutterings about his future at the club. With less than two years left on his current contract Arsenal fans the world over will be hoping the board start waving a juicy new deal under his nose to stop him looking elsewhere. The player himself hasn't exactly been forthright in his enthusiasm to stay and parallels with the Samir Nasri situation are unavoidable. Given the frequency with which Arsenal haemorrhage top class players, it is not difficult to conceive that the Europe's top clubs will be sniffing around N5 like vultures to pluck van Persie from his Emirates nest - especially with the highly possible scenario of the gunners missing out on Champions League qualification next season.

Van Persie opened the scoring with a neat near post finish before drifting in the box to convert Theo Walcott's centre. Alex Song wrapped up the points with a well struck third that would put certain other players in his team to shame.

It has gone somewhat unnoticed that Bolton are currently in a state of freefall. After their emphatic opening day victory at QPR, the Trotters seem to have tied lead weights to their ankles and jumped straight into the Irish Sea having lost every league game since. Owen Coyle is constantly praised as a good manager – some people have even, quite bizarrely, suggested him as the man to take over at the Emirates if Wenger is to leave his post – but for my money needs to prove himself by getting this 'not awful' Bolton side out of their current funk. Don't worry though. Only Chelsea next week...

The fact Arsenal didn't concede any goals that would win academy awards for comedy, talks of defensive coaches and 'proper' signings can be filed away. For this week at least. Next Sunday they go to White Hart Lane for the Siete Hermanas Classico in the rare position as underdogs. As much as people speak of Arsenal's slump in recent years, the most galling thing for Islington residents would be the fact that the previously hapless neighbours have been steadily moving in the opposite direction.

There's no greater sign of this upward mobility than the fact that two of the last four league meetings have gone the way of the Lilliwhites following a run of ten years without a single win in this fixture. Just a few years ago, when Arsenal where breaking records like plates at a Greek wedding, the idea of Tottenham in the Champions League would have been unthinkable. Not only did Spurs get further than their rivals in the competition last season, but right now I would doubt there is a single person either side of the North London divide that would even be remotely surprised to see 'Arry Redknapp's team muscle Wenger's team out of those coveted top four places.

After a shaky start to the season, Tottenham are looking ominously menacing as they ascend the league table. This weekend, they faced a potential banana skin at Wigan where previous incarnations of Spurs would not be have come away with the three points. Things have changed. Two of the team's star performers last season, Rafael Van der Vaart and Garath Bale got the goals in a valuable 2-1 win.

Luka Modric continued his faux 'redemption' or whatever with an assist for Bale's header while Emmanuel Adebayor further endeared himself to the Spurs faithful with an assist for the Dutch forward's opener. Is there a more certain outcome in football than the Togolese striker piling the misery on his former club by scoring next Sunday? Bet literally everything you have on it. Everything!

It was a tale of three penalties at Loftus Road as Neil Warnock was left fuming as pubescent referee Michael Oliver not only awarded a soft penalty to Aston Villa but failed to spot not one, but TWO handballs by Alan Hutton as the Villians rode their luck in the second half of a 1-1 draw on Sunday.

The spot kick that was awarded came as Armand Traore was deemed to have tugged the shirt of Gabriel Agbonlahor. In fairness, the benefit of replays showed that Oliver was right but he would have to have had supersonic vision (is that a thing? I'm saying it's a thing) to see it. The Sky commentators, as well as Warnock himself, made the point that when the supposed infringement took place, neither the Villa fans behind the goal, nor the Villa players appealed for a foul. That said, however 'soft' it may have been, if you tug someone's shirt, it's a foul and if you do it in the area, it is therefore a penalty. Don't really see why there was so much debate.

At the other end, Hutton, someone many are yet to be convinced is a competent outfield player, proved himself to be almost a better goalkeeper than Shay Given as he escaped two appeals for handball – the first potentially preventing a QPR goal. Typically, Neil Warnock showed his class by bleating away in TWO post match interviews on Sky. Have to say, listening to him go on and on makes it difficult to have a great deal of sympathy.

Justice was achieved in stoppage time however as a Richard Dunne own goal meant the points were shared. Amusingly, Gary Neville had just named Dunne, a defender I've never understood the hype around, as Man of the Match. That should teach broadcasters about making such premature announcements before the final whistle. This was also Richard Dunne's 314th career own goal or something, putting him ahead at the top of this unwanted scoring chart.

A draw was probably a fair result. QPR huffed and puffed but lacked any sort of cutting edge. Jay Bothroyd is unfortunately not a Premier League striker and the longer they rely on him as the spearhead of their attack, goals are going to continue to be hard to come by.

Alex McLiesh's team took 45 minutes to come alive and eventually made something of a game of it having been completely anonymous before half time. In similar vein to Pardew as I mentioned in part one, it's a minor miracle the former Birmingham manager has been able to keep Villa unbeaten after the loss of key players in the summer. That said, their approach isn't pretty and but on the whole they are horrible to watch. But for the controversy, this game would have yielded no talking points at all. Not sure how many people, Villa fans included, will be tuning in when they are on TV again.

Interestingly, no QPR player has scored a goal at their home ground this season. Superhoops fans will thanking their lucky stars that Tony Fernandes came in and torpedoed the outrageous ticket price rises put in by the previous owners because charing upwards of 70 quid a game to watch Rangers at present would probably see the club guilty of the kind of daylight robbery not unfamiliar to the local residents in the Shepherd's Bush area.

Finally, West Brom, with former Fulham manager Roy Hodgson, took on a Fulham side managed by former West Brom player Martin Jol in a game between two adventurous sides with suspect defences. The kind of game that would promise goals, right? Right??? Wrong.

Get your Tweets out for the lads!

Fernan-D'OH! Weekend Observations 24th-26th September 2011: Part One

2011-09-25T22:33:00.009+01:00

That Fernando Torres loves being centre of attention, doesn't he? Clint Eastwood may well sue the Spaniard for copyright infringement after the edited highlights of his past two games could well be compiled into a feature film that we could call The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. After all that happened at Old Trafford last weekend, one would think the former Liverpool man would endure a less eventful match in the more tranquil setting of Stamford Bridge and a home game against relegation fodder Swansea City. Despite the horrific finishing, the signs were evident against Manchester United that Nando was getting his proverbial mojo back. So it proved early on against the Swans as the £50million man received a delightful dinked pass from Juan Mata, brought the ball down, twisted like a he was dancing the Fandango and slotted it beyond his marker and Michel Vorm in goal.

If that was the good, and last week's sitter was the bad then the ugly was soon to follow. Two goals in two games should indicate something of a return to form. Unfortunately, he won't be able to continue this as later on in the half, Torres needlessly went flying into a two-footed tackle on Mark Gower earning himself a red card and a three game ban. Oops!

Brazilian Ramires, another Chelsea player guilty of unforgivable profligacy at Old Trafford, redeemed himself somewhat with a brace in the 4-1 win including a special double nutmeg with the shot for his first. One man who might not be too upset by Torres' imminent absence will be the returning Didier Drogba who iced the Chelsea cake with the fourth in the last minute.

A subplot in this narrative was the exclusion of Frank Lampard who was an unused substitute. After his non-existent performance against United last week (Old? Slow???) and Mr Villas-Boas clearly looking to build his own team, it wouldn't be outrageous to suggest, much to the happiness of the canteen staff, that Lumpy's days at Stamford Bridge could well be numbered. You heard it here first.

Chelsea are now 3 points behind the two Manchester Clubs at the top of the table. City ascended to the summit momentarily after a fairly straightforward 2-0 win over Everton where Tim Cahill was unable to continue his good form against the Eastlands club after being nobbled by Vincent Kompany in the second half. To be fair, you could quite easily argue that the Aussie was the aggressor with a pretty reckless tackle and that Kompany was simply trying to shield the ball. Had Cahill not gone to ground needlessly, he certainly wouldn't have been on the receiving end of any perceived stamp, intentional or otherwise, by the big Belgian.

Super Mario Balotelli scored his second goal in a week by way of a deflection off Phil Jagielka which makes me wonder yet again if he would have really been much of an improvement to the Arsenal defence he was rumoured to be joining over the summer. City's second via James Milner owed much to beauty of the assist by David Silva who must be cursing his luck that he was born in an era where he has to compete with the likes of Xavi, Iniesta and Fabregas for a place in the Spanish starting line up.

Crosstown rivals United regained first place despite dropping their first points of the season in a 1-1 draw at the Octagon... sorry, Britannia Stadium against Stoke City (U)FC. Peter Crouch cancelled out Luis Nani's brilliant opening goal in a game where United may have considered themselves victims of Stoke's typically heavy-handed approach (Chicharito and Patrice Evra will certainly be sporting a few more bruises after their trip to Staffordshire).

Stoke have been known to push the boundaries of what is acceptable on a football pitch but it would be lazy and unfair to ignore the fact that they gave a fairly decent account from themselves football-wise and responded well from the pasting they got against Sunderland last week. The abovementioned Crouch was a handful for both Phil Jones and, more worryingly for the Reds, Rio Ferdinand whose powers very much appear to be on the wane with each passing absence through injury. Thankfully for SurAlex, David De Gea once again showed his critics how premature they were to write him off so early in his United career with a few decent stops to preserve the point for the champions.

Completing the current top four are Newcastle. A Demba Ba hat trick in the 3-1 win over Blackburn left most of us scratching our heads as to how a team consisting of Leon Best, Peter Lovenkrands, Shola Ameobi, Ryan and Steven Taylor is still unbeaten so far this season. Dare I say, for what he has achieved thus far and considering the players that high-tailed it out of St. James' over the summer, Alan Pardew has probably been manager of the season so far. Now, excuse me while I go and watch my mouth out with soap.

Someone who probably doesn't even qualify as a manager at all was Pardew's opposite number at the weekend Steve Kean. The Blackburn boss can count his lucky stars to have faced a self-destructive Arsenal team that seemed insistent on beating themselves last week or else his side would be rooted to the foot of the table and he would more than likely be collecting his dole money this week.

Liverpool are back up to fifth after arresting their recent mini-slide with a 2-1 home win over Wolves in a game of contrasting fortunes for their two big January signings. The irrepressible Luis Suarez made a mockery of the Wolves defence scoring what proved to be the winner while the world's most expensive lamppost Andy Carroll continued to struggle. It's not his fault he cost so much money and he may yet come good eventually, but right now, the big Geordie just looks like an inconvenience on the pitch who is getting in the way of his more talented teammates. Kenny Dalglish was once again forced to come out and defend his record signing but you have to ask yourself if it's a case of the 'laddie' doth protest too much?

Sorry.

Part Two to follow

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Torr-id Times: Man Utd v Chelsea Observations - 18th September 2011

2011-09-19T05:40:00.007+01:00

Rarely am I left speechless by something I see on the football pitch but it is actually difficult to put into words what we saw at Old Trafford on Sunday. Of course, I'm referring to that astonishing miss by a certain £50 million striker. For the only person on planet earth who hasn't seen it yet, during the second half of Manchester United's unconvincing 3-1 win over Chelsea, Fernando Torres, who had actually already grabbed the consolation and with a chance to reduce the arrears further, sprung the United offside trap, produced a beautiful step-over to fool fellow former Atletico player David De Gea in the reds goal, but with the empty net gaping wider than a lady adult film star at the end of a long and, ahem, fulfilling career, managed to slice the ball wide leaving literally everyone who saw it open-mouthed with astonishment. It was one of those moments that almost redefined the idea of going from the sublime to the ridiculous. Majestic skill followed by a "what the hell was that?" finish. It was basically the Godfather 3 of football.

Regardless of your feelings toward Chelsea, Torres or the colour blue, it was hard not to feel a tinge of sympathy for hapless striker. The Spaniard was having a fairly decent game and was actually doing a fairly decent impression of a footballer - Not just him but the rest of his teammates too.

All season long, and with good reason, every man, woman, child and dog with even a passing interest in English football has been heaping praise on the Salford based reds for what has been a pretty impressive looking start to the season. You could argue (and I will because it's MY blog!) that they hadn't really been tested in any of their opening four games. The meek surrender by the two North London clubs and Bolton last week were more a reflection of the failings of those three sides than any sort of superhuman ability of Sir Alex Ferguson's team. In fact, their toughest game was their opening fixture at the Hawthorns when, in truth, they were very fortunate to come away with three points.

Chelsea would be the first real stern test for United and so it proved in everything other than the final 3-1 scoreline. Chelsea passed the ball better and created more chances. But for some truly woeful finishing (see above) would have won this match comfortably.

Chris Smalling gave United the lead with a header that was so far offside that he may as well have been in another post code. Forget daylight, you could have fit the entire sun, moon and stars between the former Fulham man and the Chelsea back line. Jamie Redknapp spouted some nonsense on Sky about how the defenders are still obliged to follow the man in that situation. I personally don't see how it is possible to apportion any blame to the Blues who were trying to hold a defensive line. Something they did successfully and were robbed by the ref's assistant who may as well have been wearing a stripped shirt and carrying a bag with SWAG written on it...

But alas, if Karma does exist some cad might point out that Chelsea themselves were once the beneficiaries of refereeing incompetence at Old Trafford when Didier Drogba slammed home what turned out to be a title-deciding winning goal back in 2009.

Nani aka Michael Jackson circa Thriller days, launched a surface to air missile to make it 2-0 and Rooney grabbed his NINTH goal already this season after tapping in a third before half time after great work from the increasingly impressive Phil Jones. United's summer signing from Blackburn may or may not have then stood over John Terry and laughed maniacally as he pretty much confirmed his status as the new and improved version of the Chelsea man. The writing is on the wall. Jones could be replacing Terry in the England team in the not too distant future.

United went in at the half with a thoroughly undeserved 3-0 lead. I doubt you can find another example of a team with such a commanding lead having been second best for so long in the game. Chelsea could not have asked for a better start to the second half as sub Nicolas Anelka - who replaced the ineffective Frank Lampard - threaded a delightful pass to the abovementioned Torres who managed to net what some would argue was his first 'proper' goal in Chelsea colours. Yes, he scored against West Ham last season but Avram Grant's team was so bad I doubt that netting against them could be considered a real achievement.

The Spaniard's delightful, well taken, outside foot finish was the end of the scoring but far from the end of the incident. Time and time again we are told that the Premier League is the "best in the world" but you could have easily mistaken a lot of what took place in this game for a Sunday league match. And that's being unkind to anyone who has ever played Sunday league football! Chelsea and United players become involved in a battle of who could embarrass themselves more. After United were awarded a penalty for 'foul' on Nani, Wayne Rooney, who for my money had a very poor game given his recent great form, 'John Terry-d' it by falling over and slicing it so far wide it nearly ended up in the dugouts. 'Wazza' then somehow hit the post from three yards with what many may be described as the miss off the season surpassing Ramires' terrible first half effort when the Brazilian somehow manage to play his shot straight at De Gea when it would have actually been easier to score.

Then there was Fernando Torres (of course). While many will (rightly) talk about the open goal. The former Liverpool striker guilty of another glorious (?) miss not long before as he embarked on a stunning slaloming run leaving United defenders in his wake like some sort of effeminate, Spanish road-runner before unleashing a shot at De Gea but unfortunately sending the rebound somewhere between Mars and Jupiter.

Completing the programme of profligacy was substitute Dimitar Berbatov who was lucky to get anything at all on Wayne Rooney's terrible square ball but only succeeded in making it easy enough for Ashley Cole to clear off the line. Cashley himself shouldn't have even been on the pitch after a filthy, reckless, x-rated lunge on Javier Hernandez that could and should have resulted in a penalty and sending off. You could argue all you want about the technicality of the ball being out of play so no spot kick is awarded but there's no defending Cole's potential leg breaker. More daft technicalities mean no retrospective action can be taken. I've said it before and I'll say it again; The law is an ass!

What did this game ultimately teach us? Nothing we didn't know already, really. United are pretty deadly going forward and there are very few, if any defences in the division that will keep them at bay. The reds are far from limited in their approach either. All three goals against Chelsea were different. Set-piece, screamer, tap-in. You name it, United can score it. However, for all the praise heaped on them, they may well end up taking a sawn-off, pointing it right at their pinky toe and pulling the trigger. On another day facing a less broken striker, they may be punished for their lapses at the back. It says a great deal about their approach that they have conceded the most shots of any team in the league so far (Chelsea managed 22 alone). Surely logic would dictate that if they continue to be so inviting, a team will eventually start converting these chances and beat them.

Of course, not enough times to prevent them winning the league. But a couple of losses might make it vaguely interesting for the rest of us this time.

As for the Blues, I've given up making the mistake of writing them off and taking great joy out of any fleeting failing. Too many times I'm made to look foolish. Defeat at Old Trafford was far from a disaster and if they continue to play as well as they did and are a bit more clinical, then talk of a two-horse title race might be a tad premature. Talk of an aging side is hollow. On Sunday, only Frank Lampard and to some degree, John Terry looked like they were struggling to keep up with the game. The former in particular, I expect to be jettisoned from the starting XI before long. The talents of new boy Juan Mata and, believe me, Daniel Sturridge among others will not be supressed for long though. For all the furore surrounding Torres, it would be remiss of me to ignore the fact this was a much improved performance from him. Drogba is still waiting in the wings and you have to think that Michael Essien has a point to prove after a poor campaign last time around. Yes, Villas-Boas' team still looks like a work in progress but ominously, positive signs are there.

Be warned!

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August Deadline Day 2011 - A Diary

2011-09-01T11:30:00.007+01:00

Don't know how to 'Live blog' so just kept regular updates of the day. I make no apologies for inaccurate reporting or factual errors.

August 30th
23:52 - Just got in from work

23:54 - Check Facebook. Nothing of note

23:58 - Check Twitter. Nothing football related grabs me. Am momentarily sidetracked by a well known DJ doing a Q&A with his followers. It's not particularly interesting...

August 31st
00:06 - The @BBCNews account tweets the headline "Land Rover confirms new defender" with link. I become slightly confused as I wonder if Land Rover have signed Gary Cahill.

After clicking on said link, I discover the car manufacturer is actually releasing a new version of it's Defender model. The news doesn't have much impact on me. One of my great insecurities as a man is the fact I cannot drive nor do I have any great knowledge of cars. It's quite emasculating when pub conversations turn to engine sizes and "horsepower" and other such things I ought to know about. Instead, I gaze quietly into my pint. Feeling inferior...

00:09 - Check Newsnow - Only eye-catching but totally unsurprising news is that Tony Pulis might try and buy Hugo Rodellega from Wigan. If, 24 hours from now, Stoke haven't signed a big lumbering striker, I'll eat my hat.

00:12 - I become distracted. I'm now watching a video of two women doing very unhygienic things with apples. All of a sudden it's quarter to 2 in the morning. Better get to bed.

03:37 - I am awoken by a drunk crying woman outside my window. She is on the phone, clearly distressed. I wonder if she's an Everton fan.

08:00 approx - I toss and turn and find myself awake. Naturally, I check early transfer news. On Twitter someone says Mario Balotelli's page has been removed from the Man City website and Rio Ferdinand informs us that he has a toothache.

09:00 - I'm still struggling to get back to sleep. The news now is that Luka Modric will remain a Tottenham player bringing joy to the White half of North London but also an anti-climax to one of the most tedious transfer saga this summer.

Rumours suggest Japanese star Keisuke Honda is on his way to Arsenal prompting a number of car puns and gags that once again mock my lack of knowledge in this field.

11:20 - Managed to get back to sleep. Wake up, Check Facebook. Someone posts about spotting Alan Hutton somewhere or another. Someone else posts the joke that "Arsenal interested in Belgian defender Mark de Man. Apparently, they are also interested in his compatriots, striker Skor de Gaulle and goalkeeper Bloek de Schott." - I giggle.

11:45 - The hilarious @AnnieEaves on Twitter posts this hilarious tweet highlighting how crazy people get on days like this. I can't tell if this was made up, lost in translation or the after continuing effects of a Bank Holiday magic muchrooms session.

12:00 - In the absense of a big name move thus far, the Wesley Sneijder rumours begin to gather pace. "Spotted boarding a private jet", "Spotted in Manchester" "His dog's hairdresser has relocated to Stockport" etc.

12:15 - Honda not going to Arsenal. I breathe a sign of relief. Joe Cole apparently in talks with Aston Villa? Earlier rumours were that he was gong to France to play for Lille. Be a real shame if he bottles the chance to go abroad. I must sound like a stuck record given the number of times I've said English players need to broaden their football knowledge by playing in other countries.

12:20 - I post one of my best ever jokes on Twitter: "TRANSFER NEWS: In a last minute U-turn, I've opted for a Chicken and Bacon Sarnie for lunch instead of Fish. The fish said to be gutted." - No-one reads it.

12:23 - Apparently Carlos Tevez is staying at City. Another saga that concludes with an unsatisfactory dribble...

12:28 - There we go! Stoke look to increase Big lumbering striker quota by two as Cameron Jerome and Nik Bendtner are supposedly set to sign.

12:35 - The real beauty of Transfer Deadline day! Sky Sports' BREAKING NEWS ticker announces that Joe Cole is having a medical at Aston Villa. Just at the very moment everyone else discovers (via Lille + Liverpool's offical websites) that Cole has actually signed on Loan at Lille. Oops!

This is getting fun. I'm tempted to call in sick. Will they really need me at work?

12:40 - I finally see the Paulo Di Canio video where he goes at it with one of his players - I'm now wondering what possessed me to believe he was going to be a great manager who would take The Robbins up at the first attempt. What a wasted bet. May as well have just set fire to my money instead.

13:02 - Looks like Anton Ferdinand is off to QPR. The most tragic thing about this is that if/when they get relegated, he will probably leave and join another Premier League team. I actually mildly respect him for being able to blag a career in the top flight for so long.

13:50 - I arrive at the gym before work. Wearing an Ajax shirt was an error. 712 journalists stop me on my journey from Tufnell Park to White City to ask me if I'm joining the Amsterdam club. I'm forced to make a statement reaffirming my commitment to my Saturday team and explain my choice of shirt is strictly down to the fact I've done no laundry this week.

15:20 - A couple of actual confirmations from North London. Scott Parker signs for Spurs and Andre Santos joins Arsenal. I like Parker but as I've questioned before, do his good performances only ever come at poorer clubs? Can he hack the step up? Time will tell.

I know next to nothing about Santos so I asked a Brazilian friend if he will be any good for Arsenal. this was the text response I received:

"Worse than Clichy even Traore better. Only God knows how he is Brazil first choice..."

Let the good times roll

15:54 - More craziness. The BBC's always reliable Dan Roan starts commenting on fruitless speculation regarding Kaka and Sneijder.

16:30 - Apparently Arsenal and Everton are in talks over Mikael Arteta. Interesting move for Arsenal. He's hardly Fabregas but they need something. Craig Bellamy is set to rejoin Liverpool. I could insert some generic joke about a golf club here but I won't.

16:40 - West Ham are apparently taking David Bentley on loan from Spurs. Also Henri Lansbury from Arsenal. Pretty much the same player though, right?

17:15 - More Big lumbering striker news from the Potteries. Bendtner deal fallen through. Pulis turns attention to Peter Crouch instead.

17:42 - Jermaine Jenas looks like he's joining Aston Villa on loan. Deadline day insanity looks to have plagued even the best of us as arguably the country's most respected football writer Henry Winter tweets the following:

"Jenas for #avfc. Could be one of the best deals. If he plays week in/out, & McLeish makes him believe, Jenas could be a cm star again"

I'm sorry, AGAIN????

18:00 - The transfer window shuts in Italy. My dream move to Parma is scuppered. I fire my agent.

18:30 - While discussing Henry Winter's insane tweet, a friend points out the rumour that former Spanish international and two time La Liga winner Vicente could be on his way to Brighton adding "I still assume he's awesome because of Champ days."

18:32 - Curiously, I discover that another Champ favourite of mine Zdenek Grygera has signed for Fulham.

18:33 - The BBC as doing a Football Focus deadline day special. My favourite part is when Dan Walker throws to Mark Bright at Loftus Road who informs us that Shaun Wright Philips is sat in a nearby hotel waiting for the go ahead to sign for QPR. I imagine poor Shauny bored out of his skull sat on his own playing Angry Birds and watching Hollyoaks.

18:56 - Martin Keown makes the bold statement that Everton won't miss Arteta because they have young Ross Blakley who will go on to be one of the best players in English football. No pressure then, Ross.

19:15 - Back to Sky Sports.

19:16 - Arteta deal off! It seems as though thrifty Arsenal aren't prepared to stump up the cash. Can't say I'm shocked.

19:18 - Anton Ferdinand still not a QPR player. The Superhoops are also in for Sebastian Bassong as they attempt to fill their defence with the most mediocre players imaginable.

19:42 - Twente attacking midfielder Bryan Ruiz is supposedly having a medical at Fulham although Mike Ashley is said to be sending down a helicopter to literally hijack the deal. When did football become an episode of 24?

19:44 - Big talk that Yossi Benayoun is joining Arsenal on loan from Chelsea. Reaction of Arsenal fans isn't exactly one of excitement. Looks like Yossi is going to have to score a hat trick on his debut in order to get gooners onside. Hardly a marquee purchase.

20:30 - I see Jeremy Paxman walking the corridors at work. I don't ask him who he is signing for.

20:47 - Bolton sign David N'Gog from Liverpool. Bolton fans weep. After a year playing out of his depth for Everton, Jermaine Beckford signs for Leicester in the Championship returning to a level where he is more comfortable.

20:53 - Rio Ferdinand tweets to inform us he has had two teeth removed.

20:54 - Sky Sports News' Jim White almost explodes as he brings us news the Spurs are linked with a move for Kaka.

Wait, WHAT???????

21:02 - The excitement doesn't last long as Harry Redknapp is stopped leaving the Spurs training ground to deny the Kaka story. Well, that was an excitable few minutes, wasn't it?

Redknapp says Spurs failed in a bid for Gary Cahill which leads me to wonder, given Arsenal's failure to sign him and little interest from elsewhere, what sort of crazy money Bolton were demanding for a player they are likely to lose for nothing in 9 months?

'Arry also says Spurs turned down a £40m bid from Chelsea for Luka Modric. I know it's very easy to over-simplify these things but surely £40 would have more than enough to reinvest and sign the striker and centre back the team are desperately crying out for?

@Ghostgoal quickly tweeted: "Ironic that the one manager who speaks to Sky Sports News is also the one guy I wouldn't believe a single word from. Straight-talking 'Arry."

21:12 - Heading out of Tottenham is Wilson Palacios who joins Stoke along with Cameron Jerome. Peter Crouch still in talks. Pulis seems to be building a pretty formidable side at the Britannia and could lead them comfortably to a top half finish this year. Who would have thunk it?

Unfortunately, an improving team will never change the nightmare-inducing ugliness of the Stoke fans behind the Sky Sports reporter tonight as the deals are announced.

21:20 - Arteta to Arsenal back on! The player himself seems hellbent on joining the Gunners and asked to leave Everton. - The Blues themselves look to have landed Real Madrid's forgotten man Royston Drenthe.

21:23 - The Sky Sports reporter at Sunderland makes a joke about chamomile tea. I die a little inside as the absurdity of this day reaches a nadir.

21:51 - It looks like Yakubu is joining Blackburn. I still haven't forgiven the fat oaf for his miss against South Korea at the World Cup last year. I expect the bloater has got an unlimited supply of Venky's chicken written into his contract.

22:13 - Vicente is not going to Brighton unfortunately but Shefki Kuqi is going to Oldham.

22:29 - Wow! Raul Meireles has handed in a transfer request half an hour before the window shuts! Has he been asleep all day?

22:35 - Another BBC Football Focus special. A comedy moment as DAN Walker in the studio throws to DAN Roan at the Emirates.

"Over to you Dan"
"Thanks Dan"

The farce is complete as the next story is about the signing of Scott Dann from Birmingham to Blackburn.

22:47 - Over at QPR there are more surreal moments as both Anton Ferdinand and Jason Puncheon and filmed sprinting into the club attempting to seal their respective moves. This is followed by Shaun Wright Philips giving the most unenthusiastic interview by any player joining a new club after his move to the hoops is confirmed.

23:00 - Home from work as the window shuts to the news that Peter Crouch is probably going to be a Stoke player, Mikael Arteta will be wearing Arsenal colours from now on and Raul Meireles has swapped Liverpool red for Chelsea blue. Nik Bendtner goes to Sunderland on loan.

For the next hour I sit and listen to Dave Bassett and Iain Dowie talk nonsense. My housemate points out the irony that for all their extensive coverage, Sky have made the two worse signings by getting Bassett and Dowie in. Listening to them rabbit on makes me consider how much more fun it would be if Morbo from Futurama was presenting on Deadline Day.

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Liv-ing Dangerously - Weekend Observations 20th-23rd August: Part One

2011-08-21T21:37:00.007+01:00

The big game on Saturday saw Liverpool travel down to London and come away from an away game with Arsenal taking 3 points for the first time since Methuselah had acne and starting noticing girls. Given the shape of the two sides going into the match at the Emirates, the reds' 2-0 victory was in actual fact one of the least surprising results of the weekend.

The Gunners were once again ravaged with injury and matters were made worse in the first 15 minutes when Laurent Koscielny limped off and confirmed my suspicions that during the week, Arsenal players don't actually do any training. The Frenchman looked to have sustained a back injury. Add that to the hamstring afflictions that sidelined both Keiran Gibbs and Johan Djourou as well as Tomas Rosicky's 'knock' following the narrow 1-0 win over Udinese in midweek and you have a club that can no longer blame 'bad luck' for their problems. Such persistent problems point to fundamental flaws at the club. Arsene Wenger has whinged about injuries undermining Arsenal for a number of years now but from the outside looking in, it would appear that lessons still haven't been learned. It's as though the medical team is run by Harold Shipman.

Koscielny's withdrawal meant a debut for 18 year old Ignasi Miquel. The Arse had already been forced to hand first starts to Emmanuel Frimpong and Carl Jenkinson, both 19, which makes you wonder if we will eventually see an unborn foetus lining up on the left wing before the season is out (Let's face it, an embryo would actually be better than Andrei Arshavin right now...).

Quite simply, it should NEVER get to such a state at any top club with aspirations of success where they are forced to play so many rookies in only their second league game of the season. Rumours that next season's kit suppliers will be Pampers have been dismissed as gross exaggeration. This team is was so young that the wet surface at the weekend was said to be 30% rain and 70% afterbirth. Naturally, this inexperience was to be their undoing as Frimpong picked up the three thousand four hundred and seventy-sixth Arsenal red card under Wenger's management [citation needed], while Miquel and Aaron Ramsey, 20, conspired to score one the most comical own goals this side of Frank Sinclair. Substitute Luis Suarez soon made it two to send the scousers home happy.

This game taught us nothing about Arsenal. The team is in undoubtedly in a state of freefall and need to address their problems sharpish or else, like Tara Reid, the damage may well prove irreparable.

Liverpool may well be encouraged by the scoreline but in truth, it flattered them. Nothing in their performance suggested they will be anywhere near a title challenge this season. This simple fact of the matter is that any team worth their salt should be beating the depleted imitation of a football team that Arsenal put out. The reds needed the helping hand in the form of a red card and an own goal to send them on their way. Suarez was clearly offside in the build up to the second as well. Eleven v eleven they offered nothing and were it not for these mitigating factors, they wouldn't have won the game. This gifted win doesn't disguise the fact that they looked second rate against a crap side.

So much hype has surrounded the players brought in by Kenny Dalglish but it would be disingenuous to even feign satisfaction with their performances. Stuart Downing got very little joy against the rookie Jenkinson while you would forgiven for thinking Charlie Adam had been huffing paint in the changing rooms pre-match such was the wayward inaccuracy of his “passing” (inverted commas mandatory). Jordan Henderson's impression of a professional footballer was so bad it was almost funny. The youngster must have had it in his head he was actually playing for Arsenal given his ineffectiveness for the Reds and seeming generosity towards anyone in a red shirt.

This was about the easiest match Liverpool could have asked for and they still laboured to victory. I imagine that anyone who thought this was anything near a decent performance still probably believes in the tooth fairy too. But then again, never underestimate the power of a Liverpool fan's delusion.

Equally unimpressive, and providing no evidence to suggest this will be nothing other than a two horse race for title between the Manchester clubs, were Chelsea who scraped a 2-1 win at home to West Brom. The Baggies have acquitted themselves well in their opening two games and were unfortunate, like last week against Man United, to come away from West London with nothing. Wearing a red change kit that resembled that of the British and Irish Lions, Woy's team played with a similar amount of heart as their egg-chasing doppelgängers. Shane Long gave them an early lead after a mistake by Alex and such was their control, Andre Villas Boas was forced into a early change as Florent Malouda replaced Solomon Kalou after just 34 minutes. Given that the Frenchman went on to score the winning goal, you have to say the new Chelsea gaffer actually earned his corn with that decision. Before that however, the Blues were extremely fortunate to draw level. There was little wrong with Nicolas Anelka's narrow-angled finish but there is certainly an argument that the ref ought to have stopped play to book Frank Lampard for a dive in the build up that would have made Tom Daley proud. Given that he was guilty of something similar against Stoke last week, one would hope people will start Lamp-basting 'Fwank' in the same way as foreign culprits. Somehow I doubt it.

In the Northeast, Sunderland and Newcastle were doing their very best to replicate a typical night out in the region in a game that featured the most needlessly aggressive, ill-tempered, borderline criminal acts of violence you are likely to see outside of the recent rioting across the country. The game itself was settled by a Ryan Taylor free kick as Newcastle beat their rivals 1-0 but the result doesn't even begin to tell the story of the game.

Of course, we all get the fact that local derbies are supposed to be highly charged affairs but that doesn't excuse some of the behaviour at the stadium of light.

Not for the first time, a game officiated by Howard Webb was allowed to get out of hand because he 'allows the game to flow'. As I'm sure I've said here before, there's a fine line between not being a card happy militant and bottling big decisions. Webb, in my eyes, is afraid to court controversy and would rather let misdemeanours go unpunished than make a decision that would change the complexion of the game. Yes, he did eventually send off Phil Bardsley for one of the worst tackles you ever see anywhere but not before allowing Yohan Cabaye and the mind-bogglingly awful Lee Catermole to get away with similarly bad challenges. If he laid down the law early on then maybe the encounter wouldn't have descended into the farce that it did.

Webb also missed one of the most blatant acts of cheating by Seb Larsson who handled a goal bound Joey Barton effort off the line and the proceeded to try and tell the officials that the ball hit his face. Some would call it Karmic retribution after Barton's own cheating last week. How do you like them apples?

The Roberto Martinez derby between former club Swansea and current club Wigan finished goalless but based on the highlights looked a far more entertaining match than either of the televised games on the day. I won't waste any time patronising the Swans with the kind of regurgitated clichés about how they like to “get the ball down and play” (copyright Mark Lawrenson) as I'm sure you can find such laboured reportage elsewhere. Wigan could have taken the spoils when Ben Watson was given a chance from the spot in the second half but the Welsh side's new keeper Michel Vorm was equal to it. The big Dutchman has had an impressive start to his Premier League career - Certainly more so than a certain Spanish stopper over in Salford. A strange conclusion to draw given he was on the receiving end of a 4 goal hammering on his debut last Monday. Anyone who saw the game however would know that Vorm performed some minor heroics to keep the scoreline in single figures. There is no doubt whatsoever that Swansea will be involved in a relegation battle but if the form of their new man between the sticks can continue, then, like this week, more precious points could be preserved as the season goes on.

Comedy club Blackburn were beaten 3-1 by Aston Villa. It says a lot about the dire straits Rovers find themselves in that an Alex McLeish team was able to score three goals in match and that the usually conservative Scotsman was bold enough to deploy three strikers – all of whom scored. That's two defeats out of two for Steve Kean. It's almost enough to drive one to drink....

Shock result of the weekend came at Goodison Park as penny-pinching paupers Everton were beaten 1-0 by newly promoted, but not very good Queen's Park Rangers. The goal was scored by Tommy Smith following an error by Phil Jagielka that should make him a shoe-in for the Arsenal defence he was rumoured to be joining. While the outcome was unexpected, it just seems to follow the same narrative we've been used to from The Toffees for many a year now. A poor start usually followed by a good run midseason and a fairly strong latter half of the campaign rightfully finishing in the top seven. Considering they have kept the core of their squad this summer, there is little to suggest that this same scenario will not pan out in exactly the same way.

As for Rangers, there was always the fear after the opening day massacre at Loftus Road last week that they could struggle badly in the top flight and run the risk of sinking without trace. You could imagine Neil Warnock crying himself to sleep every night at the prospect of having to go to Anfield, Stamford Bridge etc having to rely on the likes of Fitz Hall and Bradley Orr. Since that day however, things have gone horribly right as Malaysian bigwig Tony Fernandes bought 66% of the club made all kinds of noises about investment and the like. In the week or so remaining before the transfer window shuts, you imagine Big Tone will open his wallet and bring in some useful reinforcements. A good week for the hoops was capped off with Smith's winner on Merseyside meaning they are currently not the worst London team in the League.

That 'honour' belongs to the abovementioned Arsenal at present.

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Serg-ing Forward - Weekened Observations 14th-15th August 2011

2011-08-15T22:56:00.010+01:00

A tale of three former Atletico Madrid players...

Well, I hate to say I told you so, didn't I? I'm pretty sure Sergio Aguero hasn't even unpacked his bags yet but in just a brief second half cameo at Eastlands on Monday, the little Argentine was already looking more at home in Manchester than half the cast of Coronation Street. 'Kun' was instrumental in Manchester City's comprehensive 4-0 win over Swansea helping himself to 2 goals and an assist as his 'welcome' to the Premier League proved to be far more fruitful than that of the Welsh side - his second goal in particular a thing of sheer erection-inspiring beauty.

Aguero not only made a mockery of the fabled 'settling in period' often said to be required by overseas players. He pretty much took the notion, doused it in petrol, attached a stick of dynamite & half-volleyed it straight into Mount Vesuvius. Very few debuts - as a substitute no less - have been more impressive. All of a sudden 38 million quid doesn't look so expensive.

Even people who had seen how good he was in Spain would be surprised at this instantaneous impact on English football. Needless to say he has not set the bar at near stratospheric levels. The expectation for repeat performances will be sky high. The sound of thousands of rattling keyboards up and down the country of people adding Aguero to the their fantasy football teams was probably about as loud as the cheers that greeted his stupendous long range strike.

It would be wise to stay grounded however. In the same way everyone is creaming over this performance, the criticisms will come in just as fast if he fails to repeat the heroics.

With all due respect to Swansea, this is a team many will be expecting to get relegated and we clearly tiring when Aguero was introduced. There's no sense in going too overboard here as many tougher tests will undoubtedly present themselves over the coming weeks/months. That said, there is little suggest that the little Argentine isn't up to the task.

Aguero aside, the multi-millionaires looked a great deal more like a team that has their eye on big prizes this season. Roberto Mancini certainly seems to have adopted a far more expansive approach than that which saw him labeled as 'negative' for much of last year. David Silva seemed to be at the heart of everything good City could conjure in an attacking sense while Yaya Toure's domination of the midfield actually looked quite frightening at times. Even Edin Dzeko looked lively and was duly rewarded with a goal for his efforts.

Again, it's hard to draw massive conclusions given they were playing a team with about as much Premier League experience as The Renford Rejects but there is no question that City have the best squad in the league. I see no reason at all why they shouldn't push United all the way in this season's title race.

Speaking of whom, the reds started their march towards a 20th Premier League crown on Sunday albeit with an unconvincing 2-1 away win at West Brom. I'm not sure how many times you can sit there and say "they weren't at their best, but they got the result". Remarkably, the champions scored twice despite only mustering one shot on goal. When a team underperforms you anticipate that one day they will eventually come unstuck. Not United. It almost seems as though winning without playing well is actually a deliberate tactic. I won't reel out the cliches about having a winning mentality because you can read about that elsewhere but it's difficult to deny the accuracy of this assessment. The worry again is how good will they be once again when they start playing well.

The match at the Hawthorns was a tale of two new signings. Ashley Young has slotted right into the United team. The former Villa man first assisted Wayne Rooney before forcing Steven Reid into conceding a crucial own goal that proved to be the winner. At the other end, David de Gea was busy doing his best Massimo Taibi impression as he allowed Baggies debutant Shane Long to score after allowing a shot to squirm under his body. Naturally this, along with his hairy moments in the Community Shield last week, has led to many, many criticisms of the former Atletico keeper with many writing him off already.

An overreaction perhaps? At 20 years old, to have even shown the ability to be considered good enough to start for the top team in the country suggests that he isn't quite the calamity many are already saying he is. Goalkeepers will always make mistakes. Young goalkeepers in particular. There isn't a keeper throughout history that has never dropped a major clanger. Watching the Spaniard last season, there was no doubt in my mind United had signed a great prospect. However, as I say, part of the learning process for young keepers will involve making mistakes and subsequently learning from them. Sir Alex only needs to cast his eye over to his old chum Arsene and the goalie problems at the Emirates to see that.

As such a fragile position, I've always questioned whether big sides with ambitions of winning trophies can ever really afford to take the risk of starting young keepers. Their errors will only serve to undermine any potential challenge. Between the sticks is the one area on the pitch where buying experienced, ready made players is an absolute necessity. If you are intent on nurturing a young keeper, loan moves away are surely the best option. That way he gets game time and crucially, is making the mistakes for someone else. If/when he's ready, then bring him back.

De Gea is clearly a very good goalkeeper but you have to wonder if he will sink or swim at Old Trafford. Between Peter Schmeichel and Edwin van der Sar, United have had two of the finest keepers since the inception of the Premier League. The young Spaniard will certainly have to some way before he is considered on equal footing with those two. Let's not forget the long list of failures that came between the Dane and the Dutchman who failed to make the grade. Someone ought to put a photo of Roy Carroll above De Gea's bed as a daily warning.

Also opening their campaign on Sunday were Chelsea whose 0-0 draw with Stoke was about as enjoyable as varicose veins. The game provided almost no noteworthy talking points. The home side provided the typical and expected physical menace that will make the Britannia a tough place to go to for number of away teams. Stoke's home ground is the equivalent of that dodgy pub you always fear going into because there's no guarantee you wont leave without a few shards of glass in your eye. That said, given their own physical prowess, Chelsea were able to stand up to any threat posed. Seeing John Terry and Ryan Shawcross 'marking' each other at set pieces was like watching two Silverback gorillas fighting over a banana.

All the talk beforehand was about new Chelsea manager Andre Villas Boas and what he will bring to this team. On evidence of Sunday, the answer would be very little. The blues were pretty much as they were under Carlo Ancelloti. There was no real difference in their approach. They still went about controlling the game in the same way but lacked anything productive in the final third. Anything they did manage to create, Asmir Begovic in the Stoke goal was equal to.

The much maligned Fernando Torres started ahead of Didier Drogba and actually looked like far more of a player than when he was lumbering around Stamford Bridge at the tail end of last season. The touch that deserted him seems to have returned. His off the ball movement and willingness to actually get involved in the game were all very encouraging but for all his endevour, he still couldn't score and if you spunk £50m on a striker, the least you should expect is for him to stick the ball in the back of the net.

Maybe he ought to watch Sergio Aguero to see how it's done.

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Weekend Observations - Day One. 13th August 2011

2011-08-14T13:30:00.011+01:00

New season, same old stories.

Not for the first time, Joey Barton is the centre of attention for all the wrong reasons. If Barton exhales in an open space his CO2 would have enough concentrated rage to start a small fire. When Barton goes for a piss, his urine gets charged with GHB against the sewage systems throughout Britain. His inability to stay out of trouble has become so ridiculous that most people are just fed up with him.

After last season's extraordinary 4-4 draw, how predictable was it that was going to be a tediously dull 0-0 draw? As the snoozefest between Arsenal and Newcastle was drawing to a close, the Gunners' Ivorian summer signing Gervinho made a break into the penalty area and went down. At first look I said 'dive' but consequently replays have been inconclusive. I'm going to plonk my arse firmly on the fence and say that you could make an argument either way. Many people have decided that the apparent trip by Tiote was indeed enough to warrant a spot kick but our very own Shakespearean tragic hero didn't quite see it that way...

Filled with the kind of indignation and rage that would probably cause one to stick a cigar in someones eye or assault someone in McDonalds, Barton raced over to the floored Arsenal man and dragged him to his feet prompting 'handbags' the end result seeing Gervinho sent off after slapping the psychotic scouser. A 'slap' that Barton reacted to be claiming he had been punched and throwing himself to the ground so hard he briefly popped up in Australia. Yes, his reaction to a ‘dive’ was to dive himself and get someone sent off. Irony at it's absolute best/worst.

Earlier in the game, Barton was involved in another moment of controversy when Arsenal's Alex Song appeared to, quite deliberately, tread on the back of the Newcastle man's calf. I'd like to think Song said “tweet this, you mug” or “Song 3:16 says I just kicked your ass!” or something similar. Now, even sat in a Holloway road flat, kissing a signed Ian Selley photo, clutching a Gunnersaurus stuffed toy while watching through the most rose tinted of glasses, there isn't a gooner on the planet who can deny Song was lucky not to be sent off. There is no question about that. I expect retrospective action and a three game ban is not far off. As what was actually the worst offence of the day, this would have been the main talking point and made for a rare occasion where one would actually sympathise with Barton. Sadly, as is his wont, he insisted on being an idiot once more. It's impossible to have any sympathy when the sinned in turn becomes the sinner.

Don't get me wrong, Gervinho deserved to see red. As the laws of the game dictate: “A player is guilty of violent conduct if he uses excessive force or brutality against an opponent when not challenging for the ball.”

Sadly, in football, what the Arsenal man did somehow constitutes “violent conduct”. I personally don’t think a feeble slap counts as “excessive force or brutality” but then again, I would also like not to think of myself as a total pussy. Rules is rules though and at the end of the day, who am I to argue? But this does not excuse Barton's behaviour. His initial show of aggression was at least as bad as Gervinho's and therefore the punishment should have been the same. The pictures clearly show him almost ripping the shirt off the Ivorian’s back. If the Arsenal man is guilty of “excessive force” then so is Barton. 100%. How he only got away with a yellow is simply scandalous.

What right does he have to think he can take the law into his own hands? He couldn't have inflamed the situation anymore if he doused the entire stadium in kerosene and lit one of his infamous cigars. His shameful play-acting afterwards was an affront to any contact sport you could care to mention let alone football. To then claim a punch was laughable. Especially given his own expertise on what actually constitutes punching.

His teammate Steven Taylor was seen to suggest to the referee that it was an elbow that floored Barton. Yes, THIS Steven Taylor. Not exactly the most credible of witnesses.

Almost as disappointing as the dishonesty and behaviour of the players was the immediate aftermath on ESPN. Rebbecca Lowe had a great opportunity to ask Taylor why he blatantly lied but allowed him to squirm his way out of explaining his act of cheating. How can she expect to be respected as a journalist if she is afraid to ask tough questions? Then there was the post-match analysis. Ray Stubbs was once considered one of the finest broadcasters out there but seems to have reduced himself to nothing more than an antagonistic foghorn by trying to justify Barton's actions because of Song's stamp. Didn't his mother ever tell him that Robbie Savage was predictably tiresome in his own criticisms of Barton when he claimed himself to be “one of the dirtiest players in the history of the Premier League” as if that is something to be proud of or it is some sort of competition.

All in all, not one person involved came out with any credit. I won’t even go into what both managers said. The controversies also deflect talk away from how awful the rest of the match was. After the summer-long wait for the start of the Premier League, this first televised match was about as redundant an 'advert for the game' as inviting David Starkey to the Notting Hill carnival in a couple of weeks. If I was watching this in mortuary, I would expect one of the corpses to punch my in the face for subjecting them to this abuse. Arsenal showed very little to convince those that think this will be the first time under Monsieur Wenger that they wont finish in the coverted Champions League spots that they are wrong.

Before his sending off, Gervinho was the most lively player for the away team who dominated from start to finish. But for all their possession both player and team alike failed to produce anything vaguely resembling end product. Same old Arsenal and all that. The Ivorian now faces a three game ban and with both Nasri and Fabregas standing at the door of the Emirates with their bags packed and waiting for the cab to arrive, Wenger might have to take the advice of travelling gooners who spent much of the second half demanding that their manager “spend some fucking money”. With games against Man Utd and Liverpool to come as well as the crucial two legged Champions League qualifier against Udinese all in the next fortnight, Arsenal's season could be in grave danger of ending before it has even begun.

A final word on the gunners. At the end of the game, the players seemed happy enough to shake hands with Barton. Compare this to the reaction to Ruud van Nistelrooy back in 2003. Not that you can condone what Martin Keown et al did at Old Trafford that day but the contrasting attitudes are telling. That was a strong, determined team who were quite literally prepared to show some fight. It's no surprise that team went on to win the title without losing a game while this side of softies is more than likely going to finish the season empty handed for the seventh successive year.

Newcastle too were poor. Chasing shadows from first minute to last and very much second best on home turf. There were little to no encouraging signs for a team that looks destined to fade into midtable/lower half obscurity. Maybe it was just the sound on my TV but even the so-called best fans in the world seem numbed by the dross Pardew is serving them these days. I'd even go as far as to say another relegation is not unthinkable. You heard it here first!

Elsewhere on the opening day, a number of unremarkable results made us wonder why we've been looking forward to this day for so long. Liverpool, who will be hoping to usurp the likes of Arsenal in the top four didn’t really show a great deal to suggest they will following a 1-1 home draw with Sunderland in a game where both sides featured more new faces than a budget cosmetic surgery (unfortunately none of these new faces belonged to Dirk Kuyt).

The main talking point from the game was whether Kieran Richardson should have stayed on the pitch after fouling the fantastic Luis Suarez early on and conceding a penalty. Again, going back to the old FIFA laws, “denying an obvious goal-scoring opportunity” is offence punishable by s sending off. However, referees must consider certain circumstances such as “direction of play” and this is where Richardson gets his reprieve. That said, even though Suarez was going “away” from the goal, the fact he was on his way around the keeper and opening up the goal for himself, it was probably still enough of a goal-scoring opportunity for the Sunderland man to see red without much complaint. The law is an ass!

This game also saw the goal of the weekend scored by Sunderland’s new man Seb Larsson. A superb right footed scissor kick volley from inside the area from a Ahmed Elmohamady cross on the right. For all the daft money spent on players these days, it’s remarkable that a free transfer like Larsson can slip under the radar. Very surprised more clubs didn’t look at him.

Alex McLiesh took his Aston Villa side to Fulham and successfully led them to the first of many 0-0 draws in his inevitably unspectacular tenure there. There was more action at White Hart Lane where Spurs v Everton had actually been postponed due to the riots in the area that you may have heard of presuming you don't live on Neptune. Speaking of which, there's been a lot of talk this week about how best to deal with the looters and rioters up and down the country. I reckon a mandatory season ticket at Villa Park this season would be a fitting punishment. I'd rather be waterboarded. Seriously.

To think that almost two years to day, Norwich City were starting their season in League One with a 7-1 home defeat to Colchester. Rather than try and get the U’s manager that day convicted of some form of brutal sexual assault, the Canaries did the next best thing and hired Paul Lambert instead. Two years and two successive promotions later, Norwich kicked off their Premier League campaign with a 1-1 draw at Wigan. Both teams are expected to be in the proverbial relegation dogfight this season so, as absurd as it sounds, this match was still essentially a big six pointer and a chance to lay down something of a marker at that bottom end of the table. A point was probably better for Norwich given they were the away side. Wigan now face other expected strugglers Swansea and QPR in the next couple of weeks. Failure to get results in those games will see them playing catch up very, very early on in the season.

Similarly, Wolves picked up a vital 2-1 win over poultry enthusiasts Blackburn Rovers. McCarthy’s problem last year was the fact that his side could beat the big boys then struggle against the teams around them. This time around I’m sure they would prefer to reverse this pattern and not have to got through another nervy end to the season where they survive by the skin of their teeth. As for Blackburn, if Steve Kean isn’t given a one way ticket out of Lancashire anytime soon, the Venky’s will find themselves in a right clucking state as they plummet straight down to the Championship. Sorry.

Rooted to the bottom after the first day’s play are newly promoted QPR who were thumped 4-0 at home by Bolton. A defence made up of Fitz Hall, Clint Hill, Danny Gabbidon and Bradley Orr might serve you well in the Championship but the top flight is a whole different ball game. Investment is needed at the club, particularly in defence or else Loftus Road’s experience of hosting Premier League football will be a fleeting one. In the least predictable occurrence of the day, Rangers’ new signing Kieron Dyer was stretchered off injured after just 8 minutes. Hard not to feel sorry for him. It must be difficult trying to play sport when your bones are made of polystyrene and your tendons of wet tissue.

More to follow. In the meantime, hit me up on Twitter

The BIG Questions (or The Laziest Premier League Season Preview Ever - 2011/12l)

2011-08-11T09:25:00.018+01:00

Arsenal

Have defensive issues been addressed?

What is up with the badge on the new kits?

How many bottles will Wenger kick this season?

Aston Villa

Is flogging Downing and bringing in N'Zogbia the best bit of business this summer?

Is McLiesh a good appointment?

Will he realise that the Dunne/Collins partnership is awful?

Blackburn

Who is Steve Kean?

Seriously?

How soon before he's sacked?

Bolton

What will it take to sell out the Reebok?

Could they potentially struggle with no real signings?

Is Owen Coyle going to wear kit shorts and socks on the touchline again this season?

Chelsea

Is he the new Jose?

What if he isn't?

How long will he last?

Everton

How much longer will Moyes continue to overachieve without any decent investment in the team?

How important will a fully fit Arteta be?

Will Jermaine Beckford become a 20 goal a season striker this year?

Fulham

Will Martin Jol finish his unfinished business in London?

With Europe to contend with, can he replicate 'Woy's' 2008/09 campaign?

Will he ever tell us what happened in that last episode of the Sopranos?

Liverpool

Is it their year?

Or will the 'Kenny effect' wear off?

Will they buy me for £20m?

Man City

Can Mancini beat Fergie?

Can this squad stay harmonious enough for a whole season?

What will Super Mario do next?

Man Utd

Can anyone stop them?

How do they still get away with playing Michael Carrick?

Can Fergie beat Pep?

Newcastle

What happened to that 35 million quid, then?

Why is Mike Ashley still there?

What are the odds on another relegation?

Norwich

Will all the new signings be able to gel quick enough in the Premier League?

How long before Lambert is casting his beady eye at a more high profile job?

Can we expect Delia to serenade us once more?

QPR

Will Taraabt be as effective in the top flight?

How long before Warnock using his postmatch presser to moan about literally everything from gridlock on the M25 to the Cher Lloyd?

How can they try and justify charging fans 50 quid a pop to watch a relegation battle in arguably the worst stadium in the division?

Stoke

How will Europe impact their attempts to build on a great season last time around?

How many matches at the Britania will actually be played on a cold, wet Tuesday night?

At what point will Pulis actually put out an entire team of centre backs?

Sunderland

Is Steve Bruce just stockpiling players?

Does he have a clue about how he will deploy them?

Can he motivate this team to achieve anything beyond midtable obscurity?

Swansea

Will they be Blackpool or Derby?

Will their bold, attacking philosophy be their downfall?

How many times will they be referred to as 'the first Welsh club' etc. until it becomes so unbearable that I will be tempted to cut my ears off with a bread knife?

Tottenham

Better than Bale?

Will 'arry be able to flog his strikers some "shooting boots"?

How has he literally stayed alive this long without making a signing?

WBA

Will 'Woy' have a better start to the season than last time around?

Will Chris Brunt finally get some recognition for being one of the most talented midfielders in the division?

With the (loan) signing of Ben Foster, will the terrible Scott Carson be retired, stuffed into a box and sent to Mars?

Wigan

How do they keep staying up despite losing key players?

Who will fill the void left by N'Zogbia?

Does Martinez still have his lucky coat?

Wolves

Seeing as he played for a team that actually went down, will Roger Johnson actually improve the Wolves defence?

Do they still have the capacity to upset the big boys?

How many legs will Karl Henry break this season?

===============

I'll revisit this in May. Possibly.

Final table prediction:

1. Man City
2. Man Utd
3. Liverpool
4. Chelsea
5. Arsenal
6. Tottenham
7. Everton
8. Fulham
9. Sunderland
10. West Brom
11. Stoke
12. Aston Villa
13. Bolton
14. QPR
15. Norwich
16. Newcastle
17. Wolves
18. Wigan
19. Blackburn
20. Swansea

Twitter

Aguero's Argy Bargy

2011-08-01T13:44:00.007+01:00

Just a few short days after it looked very much as though they were about to lose one Argentine striker, Manchester City have actually managed to double their quota of forwards from the South American nation (for now at least...) following last week's big-money transfer of Sergio Aguero from Atletico Madrid.

Unless you have been living under a rock with your eyes tightly shut and your fingers in your ears for the last three years, you would not have failed to notice The Blues’ ascension to the top of the metaphorical spending mountain. This frivolous flashing of cash was a result of the club’s purchase by the Abu Dhabi Group in the summer of 2008. The likes of Robinho, James Milner, Edin Dzeko (but also rather unfortunately Joleyon Lescott) among others have all come in for massive fees. Putting all those in the shade however is the 38 million English pounds spent on Aguero – a new club record.

But what are City actually getting for their money? Well, a tricky little player with great close control, a frightfully quick change of pace/direction and a decent finish to boot – a description not unlike many players from his country and no bad thing at all. A glance over ‘Kun’ Aguero’s career to date makes for impressive reading. At just 9 years old, an age where most of us where still playing with Tonka Trucks and picking our noses for leisure, Aguero was being signed by his boyhood club Independiente before going on to become the youngest player to play in the Argentine Primera Division when he made his debut at the tender age of 15. It took a couple of years for him to establish himself in the first team but once he did, there was no looking back. Two fruitful years with El Rojo generated enough interest from big European clubs to result in a €23m move to the Spanish capital in 2006.

Aguero truly established himself as a top class footballer during his 5 years at Vicente Calderon and was an integral part of the successful 2010 team that won the Europa League as he assisted both Diego Forlan goals in the final against Fulham. Atletico also reached the final of the Copa Del Rey that year where they were defeated by Sevilla and Kun was on the scoresheet as Los Rojiblancos beat Inter Milan in the European Super Cup at the start of the following season.

During this time, Aguero also established himself in the Argentine national side but not before securing the golden boot and winning player of the tournament in the 2007 under-20 World Cup. The accolades kept coming as he was voted 2007 FIFA young player of the year before and an Olympic gold medal followed in Beijing the next summer.

Typically, his ability has seen him, like many Argentinean players before him, compared to the great Diego Maradona who, unsurprisingly, is the benchmark for any talented young striker who dons the famous sky blue and white stripped shirt. Aguero is hardly alone in this regard and is seemingly another to roll down an endless conveyor belt of brilliant attacking players from the country.

It barely needs explaining why the abovementioned Maradona almost stands alone unchallenged at the top of this list. A marvellous month in Mexico (one dodgy handball aside) winning the World Cup in 1986 is almost eclipsed by Ed Diego's incredible impact in Naples shortly afterwards as he inspired little Napoli into their Golden era of the late 80s. Two league titles, an Italian Cup and a UEFA Cup were the sum total of 6 glorious years in Southern Italy.

Never has a number 10 shirt carried so much weight and I don't mean due to his stratospheric waistline after retiring. The controversies involving drug use in the twilight of his playing days may have tarnished him personally but there very little that could take the gloss off of a fine footballing career that still has much of the sporting world thinking of him as the greatest player to ever lace up a pair of boots to chase the leather sphere around a patch of grass.

Maradona was once considered peerless until a young upstart built like an anaemic stick insect burst onto the scene in the form of one Lionel Messi – a player who possesses the kind of skill and trickery only previously considered possible in computer games. Little Leo has nearly done enough already in his short career to establish himself alongside his famed predecessor. Messi has been the fulcrum of the current Barcelona team that has swept the board domestically and in Europe over the last few years breaking all kinds of records both individually and collectively along the way.

Naturally, the inevitable but ultimately futile ‘who’s better?’ question is already the staple of pub conversations, internet forums and radio phone ins. Maradona sympathisers will argue that was able to achieve “more with less” in terms of what he had to work with. It's all well and good shining in a team of stars but perhaps a truer measure of individual talent is when your ability is able to lift lesser players to dizzy heights mentioned above.

However, in Messi's favour is the fact that he is still, with frightening regularity, able to look head and shoulders above everyone else despite being surrounded by some of the finest players in the game right now. Any player that can make all of Xavi, Andreas Iniesta and David Villa ever look like somewhat lesser players deserves all the praise he gets.

Beyond the endless/pointless and debate as to who was/is the better player, Argentina has produced a number of strikers who would fall into that oft undefined category we all love to use as football fans; “World Class”.

Few of us of the Channel 4 Football Italia generation of the 1990s could ever forget the mercurial Gabriel Batistuta who made scoring goals in Serie A, firstly for Fiorentina then Roma, look like the easiest thing in the world. 'Batigol' seemed to find the perfect state of equilibrium in his shooting as power and accuracy worked together in perfect sync. Also a fine header of the ball, he was easily one of the most complete finishers of all time. Batistuta has more goal scoring awards and records than one has space to mention here including, quite ludicrously, the rare achievement of scoring more goals than games played while in Qutar at the end of his career. Currently the national team's all-time top scorer with 56, it looks unlikely anyone is likely to take that crown from atop his flowing mane in the foreseeable future.

The closest player to Batistuta on that list with 35 is Hernan Crespo whose ability to find the net at Parma caused Lazio to fork a then world record £35 million for him. A career blighted by injuries didn't prevent him from being regarded as one of the most prolific strikers of a generation. It's fair to say that Chelsea fans never saw the best of him but his 25 goals for The Blues in two seasons was hardly a shabby return considering how much the likes of Andrei Shevchenko and more recently, Fernando Torres have struggled at the Bridge.

An Argentine who hasn't struggled in England is Carlos Tevez. Like Maradona before him, Carlitos seems to make as many headlines off the pitch as he does on it – although it much be pointed that the respective controversies of two players differ vastly. Stroppiness and questionable third party involvement aside, Tevez has managed to establish himself as one of the finest strikers to grace the Premier League in recent years. A rare beast who has found a way to balance flair and creativity with something we here in Britain seem to love; tenacity and hard work. As West Ham, Manchester United and City can attest, he is an integral part of any team he represents.

Further afield, the frightfully consistent Gonzalo Higuian has been gobbling up goals like Pac Man for Real Madrid over the last three years meanwhile over in Italy, Diego Milito's goalscoring feats made him a hero at Genoa over two spells at the club. Having been rewarded with a move to Inter Milan, Milito blitzed through his first season culminating with both goals in a 2-0 win for the Nerrezurri in the 2010 Champions League final.

Producing great front men is hardly a new trend either. The highly rated national team of the 1960s considered themselves as good as any in the world. However, their shock failure to qualify for the for Mexico 1970 meant that the legendary Luis Artime was never really able to showcase his talent on the world stage while at his peak and build on his three goals during the 1996 tournament. Nicknamed “La Fiera” (the beast), Artime did finish top scorer in the 1967 South American championship and ended his international career with an incredible 24 goals from a mere 25 games. At club level, he won a number of titles and was seemingly hell bent on collecting top scorer awards – 4 in Argentina, 3 in Uruguay, 1 in the Copa Liberatadores – like they were Pokemon cards.

Fewer things endear a player to an entire nation more than scoring in a World Cup final on home soil – apparently having a stadium named after you is a pretty big deal – but even by the time Mario Kempes scored a brace to win Argentina the trophy for the first time in 1978, he was already revered in Spain having won consecutive golden boot awards in La Liga for Valencia.

The South Americans have also had a great tradition of producing fantastic playmaker forwards particularly over the last two decades. The likes of Claudio Lopez, Pablo Aimar, Juan Roman Riquelme and Ariel Ortega to name a few have all achieved some measure of success in Europe.

With such an an embarrassment of riches, I struggle to think of another nation that has produced so many quality forward players down the years with perhaps the exception of their neighbours Brazil and maybe the Dutch.

However, this constant stream of attacking talent cannot seem to arrest the constant and often inexplicable failure at major tournaments. Despite being in good shape on both occasions, Argentina have fallen to Germany in quarter finals of the last two World Cups including last year’s humiliating 4-0 thumping in Cape Town.

The last time they won the Copa America was in 1993. At the time it was a record breaking 14th title but Uruguay’s comprehensive victory over Paraguay in Argentina last week secured them a 15th crown thus surpassing their rivals.

Given the fact this most recent tournament was on home soil, expectation would obviously have been through the roof so failure against the eventual winners on penalties in the quarter final was nothing short of an embarrassment. City's new man was a part of this shambles but was one of the few to come out with any credit as he was the team's top scorer with three goals.

However, at the risk of resorting to cliché, the Premier League is an entirely different ball game. Our friends from South America haven't always had the best of times here in Blighty. An Argentine omitted from the above list is Juan Sebastian Veron. Once considered one of the most intelligent footballers in the world, 'Seba' was known for his sublime touch, fantastic range of passing and vision that would put Specsavers out of business. Yet, having failed to find a suitable role in a Manchester United midfield that already featured Paul Scholes and Roy Keane coupled with numerous injury problems after moving to Chelsea, Veron is sadly labelled as a flop whenever someone over here mentions his name - despite his achievements elsewhere.

Even for all he has done on the pitch, Carlos Tevez' is unlikely to get the job as minister for tourism in Manchester when retires from the game. His desire to leave is due to the fact he has never really settled in the city or to the English lifestyle. An affliction that also saw Javier Mascherano high tail it to Barcelona from Liverpool at the first given opportunity. Don't even get me started on Wigan's uberflop Mauro Boselli...

At 23, Aguero is still in the relative infancy of his career. Of course, there is no way of predicting whether the stocky little lad from Quilmes will sink or swim in England but City fans will be praying that he can settle and continue to develop at the same rate he has over the last decade or so. The expectation will be that Aguero could and should be a key component for any imminent Blues success. Given his talent and all he has achieved to date, there is little reason to doubt that this will be the case. If he does indeed help the club usurp their crosstown rivals not just for the Premier League but for all other top honours as well, then you imagine that he will be justifiably spoken of in the same breath as the greats of Argentine football.

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"Breaking" News

2011-07-05T06:06:00.005+01:00

As far as football is concerned, this summer has been a tedious one. One of the most tedious ever. In fact, if gongs were handed out for sheer strength of tedium, a three hour award ceremony featuring speeches from Gordon Brown broken up by musical performances from Celine Dion, still wouldn’t be as tedious as the sole award winner: the summer of 2011.

As domestic football around the continent came to an end, I scrambled around like a hungry scavenger trying to find any morsal of footballing action to keep me sane. As a result, I have found myself attempting and struggling to even get a tingle out of the predictable Euro 21s (won by Spain), the insipid under 17s World Cup (England eliminated by Germany), the I-don’t mean-to-sound-sexist-but-genuinely-cannot-find-it-in-myself-to-give-a-shit-about Women’s World Cup and most insignificantly of all, the CONCACAF Gold Cup where Mexico triumphed in a competition featuring football heavyweights Grenada, Guadeloupe and El Salvador!

The Copa America did pique my interest initially but the turgid nature of the opening matches seems to suggest that like the rest of international football it is suffering from a terrible case of crippling impotence. At the time of writing, four of the opening six games from the opening round of fixtures have finished in a draw with just 7 goals scored.

But alas, in my desperation, I live in hope that these competitions will keep me satiated and prevent me from going batshit insane from the unbelievable amount of nonsense and lies written and reported by supposed respected sources of football news regarding player transfers and the like.

Yes, this is a summer filler piece deriding pointless transfer guff. Sue me.

Is there any other sport where more column inches are dedicated speculating about the movement of the participants than to their actual athletic achievement? The amount of time journalists and bloggers dedicate to the continued perpetuation of bullshit coupled with willingness of the fans to nuzzle their collective snouts into the metaphorical trough of said bullshit, all the while lapping it up and repeating it with literally no reason to do so makes you wonder if they actually care more about this ridiculous summer sideshow than the game itself. How different is this to pornography? Getting a cheap thrill from something that you want to be real but in actual fact remains nothing more than a hollow fantasy.

The comparisons don’t end there. Like all your favourite interracial BBW triple-penetration gangbang videos featuring that woman who looks a lot like your favourite primary school teacher, the main source of all these transfer fables is found on the internet. All you have to do is go to the football section of Newsnow during this period and you will find literally hundreds of thousands of desperate, hit-seeking blogs trying to entice you in with titles such as “New Chelsea boss eyes £20 million defender swoop”, “Liverpool eye highly rated French midfielder” or “United prepared to break bank for Cambodian wonderkid”. It doesn’t take long for some lonely loser with a laptop and an overactive imagination to cobble together a piece ‘suggesting’ that a team ‘may’ be interested in signing a given player. These qualifiers of uncertainty should be enough to warn readers off ever clicking on these sites but unfortunately I fear I’m giving football fans far too much credit.

Waste Paper

Things get worse when ‘proper’ media outlets get involved. It’s no secret that newspapers are a busted flush. Since the internet strolled into town like some sort of rabid wolfit has just been sat there in the corner of the room waiting patiently for the print media to breath it’s last breath. The internet wolf will then take the opportunity to feast on it’s rotting corpse. The Papers are, however trying to go down fighting. Having been beaten to a story by the internet before they have the chance to go to print, editors sweat buckets over how they can stay fresh and otherwise respectable scribes become afraid of re-printing what people have already heard about before they went to bed last night. So, as a result, we are then treated to EXCLUSIVE (upper case lettering mandatory) stories in the morning editions. These are ridiculous tales of transfer ‘bombshells’ which end up being about as genuine as Katie Price’s body. These stories tend to make bold claims about individuals ‘demanding’ to leave and how ‘furious’ managers are and such like. Yet one brief look over the article in question and the number of quotes that are actually attributed to a human being rather than an ‘insider’ or ‘someone close to the club’ are minimal if there at all. I understand the need to protect sources in most situations but come on. One might think the author simply plucked these quotes out of thin air...

NB: This kind of thing isn’t merely restricted to tabloids. The posh papers are more often than not just as bad at indulging in fruitless speculation, albeit in a more eloquent manner. These otherwise respected writers also do major damage to their own credibility by regularly peddling lies.

Twatter

One of the greatest, and at the same time, one of the worst things to ever sprout from the internet dung heap is Twitter – the ‘microblogging’ site where people publically broadcast the first thing that enters their head, true or not, in just 140 characters and are not required to substantiate any bogus claim they may make. God bless freedom of speech…

How does this relate to football transfer speculation? Well, let’s take fan. He might, for whatever reason, tweet that “My bro is tea lady at Upton Park and swears Leo Messi has just walked in”. All his ‘followers’ ears prick up. This is big news, albeit not even true! Regardless, they can now ‘retweet’ it and before you know it, millions of people around the world are giving more millage to an obvious lie. Then, as above with their printed stories, actual credible journalists, absolutely desperate to remind everyone that they are ‘in the loop’, will pass comment on the rumour. Even if they do so dismissively and claim it “unrealistic that Messi will ever get the District line”, all their followers will see it and they have given yet more legs to the fabrication.

TV Tuner

Caught somewhere between the avalanche of shit on the internet and the shit in the papers, is the broadcast media. TV and Radio, although also in competition with the internet still probably retains its position at the top of the media food chain. For all the immediacy of the online world, there is still a level of distrust thanks in part to the reasons outlined above. One is more inclined to trust the warm, welcoming, Colgate smile on TV rather than the collection of faceless words flashing up on their computers and smart phones. As a result, the rise in popularity of Sky Sports News has been borderline stratospheric down the years. When nothing else is on the old idiot box, you almost guarantee that every football fan instinctively punches in 405 on their Sky remote.

The merits of 24 hour news can be debated another day. Repetition can most certainly add to the tedium but one thing for sure is that when something significant does transpire, a channel on air at all hours of the day can report this news, no matter how trivial, in greater detail than some clown on twitter and far quicker than our friends in the press.

Unfortunately, this frantic need to be first also gives rise to the great promotion of transfer claptrap. In a scene arguably more ridiculous than Twitter, Sky Sports News will often insist on breaking a story, regardless of relevance, importance or quite worryingly, truth. Once again, the mythical unnamed ‘Sky Sources’ or even better, ‘Sky Sports Understands’ are the flimsy but legitimate defences for making these uncorroborated announcements. They can literally put whatever they want on their famous bright yellow ticker...

SKY SPORTS SOURCES: TOTTENHAM LINING UP A £45 MILLION BID FOR THE FAST SHOW'S FICTIONAL STRIKER JULIO GEORDIO

...and they can get away with it too.

Sky Sports News is no longer on free to air TV. This means we now have to pay to for the privilege of being patronised by a bubbly blonde woman dressed like she are about to hit a West End club telling us that she ‘understands’ something that is quite clearly not the case.

The worst things that results from all these nutty transfer stories is the fact that we, the watching fools actually bother to engage. We run around, send texts, emails and ring each other to tell each other about Messi to West Ham like it is fact. Even when we know most of it is crap, we are still fall into the trap and end up having absurd and inane conversations discussing, rather pointlessly with one another, how David Villa would perform alongside Elmander at Bolton when we know full well such a daft thing would never occur. September 1st cannot come soon enough...

Make up transfer stories with me on Twitter

5 Mental Managerial Meltdowns (Warning: Contains Swearing - NSFW)

2011-06-21T18:25:00.011+01:00

Who would be a football manager, eh? The amount of wasted man hours of my short life that I have spent shouting at my laptop and the various incarnations of the Championship/Football manager series is enough to tell me that those nutters that sit on the benches of our favourite clubs week in, week out deserve a lot of credit. I mean, if I and a lot of others can't even handle the pressures of virtual world, what hope is there when you are dealing with real people who fail to follow simple instructions such as 'catch it', 'clear it' and 'for the love of God, don't give away a penalty in the last minute of the game'?

Then there's the refs. They have enough trouble enforcing the laws themselves but when they get it wrong, the long term effects of the results are often felt by that man in the dugout. Imagine also, trying to build a half decent side when you've got interfering chairmen, agents and the players themselves all undermining your authority as they chase their 30 pieces of silver with no consideration for the job you're trying to do. Speaking of the players, the (alleged) serial shaggers, drinkers and trouble makers who can't stay out of the papers for just 5 minutes or be seen without some strumpet straddling them in full view of the public can surely be nothing more than a right pain in the backside. Work must be damn near impossible when you've got these dim-witted prats running around like a bunch of children lacking any kind of discipline the very second they are out of your sight.

And of course, there's the parasitic press. Christ, don't even get me started on the bloody media...

Managing a football team must be one of the most stressful jobs around - just ask Gerrard Houllier - so it's no shock when these guys just freak out and totally lose the plot.

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Taylor's Touchline Tantrum
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Over the last 50 or years, the failures of the England national team have become as predictable as night following day, rain at Wimbledon or the Greek Government asking for money. After the penalty shootout exit at Italia 90, the late, great Sir Bobby Robson was replaced by Graham Taylor as the man at the helm entrusted with the responsibility of taking a team consisting of Tony Dorigo, Andy Sinton and Carlton Palmer to the good ol' US of A for the first ever World Cup stateside in 1994. Unfortunately, we weren't even able to suffer the indignity on an inevitable embarrassing early exit as simply getting through the qualifying group itself proved a stretch too far.

A draw in Poland and defeat in Norway left qualification in the balance by the summer of 1993 but a 3-0 win over the Poles at Wembley in September meant that a only draw in Holland would have been enough to basically see us through given the last game was away to whipping boys San Marino.

All was (kind of) going to plan. That was up until the 60th minute however, when it looked like England were about to take a shock lead. David Platt was through on goal only to be taken clean out by Ronald Koeman on the edge of the area. To the shock of everyone in the stadium, German ref Karl-Josef Assenmacher only deemed the blantant, cynical professional foul to be worthy of a yellow when nothing other than a straight red would have made any sense. Moments later, Koeman went up the other end and scored a majestic free kick. Dennis Bergkamp soon made it 2-0 and it the space of just 10 hugely eventful minutes, Taylor's position had become untenable. The only way the England players would be travelling to America the following year would be for their summer holidays.

Graham Taylor resigned following the ultimately fruitless 7-1 win over San Marino. The former Watford and Aston Villa manager had been slaughtered by the press throughout the qualifying campaign for strange selections and bizarre tactics, becoming the victim of some peculiar photo-shopping in the process. His downfall however, ultimately came at the hands of a calamitous ref and a cheating but talented Dutchman.

As the whole Rotterdam saga unfolded, Taylor realised his fate and was not at all shy in letting the officials know how he felt about their performance. Did he not like that indeed...

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Redknapp's Red Mist
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Speaking of England managers, it's been a worse kept secret than a Katie Price boob job that the man lined up to replace Fabio Capello following next summer's Euro 2012 failure is one Henry James "Harry" Redknapp.

Harry's demeanor, accent, alleged improper practices and unhealthy addiction to the transfer market often sees him compared, rightly or wrongly, to some sort of footballing Del boy. After a mixed bag of a career that has seen promotions, relegations, an FA Cup win and most recently, taking Tottenham Hotspur into Europe's premier cup competition for the first time since the days of black and white TV, naturally, the man himself would prefer to be recognised for his actual ability as a football manager rather than some of character.

However, the current Spurs boss 'as... sorry, HAS always been known as a bit of cheeky cockney chappie. "'avin a larf" and all that. As such, he seems to rarely gets criticism from his many friends in the media. Most of whom seem to be happy to talk him up and tout him for the aforementioned England role despite his only qualification being that he is a 'likable' bloke. Watch any episode of Sky's Sunday Supplement and you'll have many a football scribe refer to him simply as 'Harry' and wax lyrical about what a great guy he is. Ask the lad in the pub and he will tell you how Redknapp is a "proper" manager (whatever that is even supposed to mean...).

As a result of his image, questionable signings, an apparent lack of tactical nous and one of the worst cases of disloyalty ever seen in English football (TWICE by the way...) go unnoticed.

But despite the huge support he has for the England job, Redknapp is always going to be seen as something of a parody. In a post match interview last season, Redknapp finally became fed up of the perceived reputation he supposedly has and let the journalist know about it...

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Keegan's Loving It
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Looking at them today with their Mike Ashleys, Leon Bests, and the ludicrously named SportsDirect@St.James' Park Stadium, It's hard to believe that little over a decade ago, Newcastle United were arguably the best football team in the country. It's even harder to believe that team was built by Kevin Keegan! In the 1995/96 season, the Magpies looked as though they would blitz their way to the title leaving the rest of the Premier League pointlessly chasing black and white shadows around until they became nauseous. The free scoring Les Ferdinand led the line with support from the stupendously good David Ginola and Peter Beardsley. They were soon joined by Colombian international Faustino Asprilla to form one of the most frightening attacks one could imagine. Supporting them in midfield, were the likes of Robert Lee, Lee Clark, Keith Gillespe. At the back they had Steve Howey, Darren Peacock, Warren Barton and Shaka Hislop between the sticks. Admittedly, this list may not look all that impressive today but make no mistake, they were considered among some of the best players in the division at the time.

The toon were famously 12 points clear of nearest challengers Man Utd at one point before suffering the kind of incontinence you wouldn't find in an old folks home as they pissed away point after valuable point and ultimately finished in 2nd in May. The fact that United won their second domestic double in three years wasn't even the story of the season. In fact, of the top three most memorable moments from the title race, only one would feature the reds directly; A spectacular backs-to-wall 1-0 win at St. James' when it looked like Peter Schmeichel was taking on the entire Newcastle team by himself. The second most memorable moment was obviously this.

But at number one was the moment champagne corks were being popped all around Old Trafford despite the title not even being a mathematical certainty. I've never been one to buy into mind games but when Alex Ferguson suggested that some of Newcastle's opponents in the run in - Leeds and Notts Forest - would take it easy, he got under Kevin Keegan's skin in way that has never been seen since...

Following this amazing meltdown, Newcastle drew their last two games as United sealed their third league title in 4 years.

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JFK's verbal assassination
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Newcastle again and far from the wonderful days of bottling it in title races, the club has been through something of a downward spiral. After Keegan left, you'd be forgiven for thinking they fitted a revolving door to the managers office such has been the rate of change. Some 11 anxious arses have warmed the dugout seats since 1997 and that doesn't even include the 4 other 'caretakers'. Things even got so confusing that Keegan himself actually found himself back there at some point - and that wasn't even the most unusual appointment made by the club. Many would argue that 'honour' belongs to Joe "Fucking" Kinnear.

Kinnear wasn't exactly a roaring success. A highlight of his short tenure was comically alienating one of the team's star players Charles N'Zogbia who went on to be sold. The club were eventually relegated the season he was in charge although by the time they slipped out of the division, Kinnear had already left due to requiring heart bypass surgery. I often wonder if this was due he stresses of managing a Premier League football team or perhaps, just the stresses of managing Newcastle. Judging by his very first press conference following his appointment, one would be inclined to think the latter. Having taken umbrage with the way his appointment had been reported locally, Kinnear expressed his displeasure to the hacks in question. Unloading an unbelievable 52 swears in a rant that needs to be heard to believed...

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Sitton Pretty
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The most frustrating thing about being a football manager must be the inability to communicate with less than talented players who fail to execute simple instructions. This is why I believe top players, Gianfranco Zola, Roy Keane, Bryan Robson, etc. generally don't become great managers. The things that came so naturally to them are alien to the players they are trying to teach. Imagine Zola trying to explain to someone like Carlton Cole what is required to be a top striker. How many Ipswich midfielders would have been able to understand when Keane was talking about what was needed to playing in the Champions League against the likes of Juventus and Real Madrid?

All that said, you wouldn't have had to been a great player to struggle to manage a team in dramatic freefall such as Leyton Orient during the 1994/95 season. The team, managed by little known John Sitton finished rock bottom of Division Two winning just six games. Remarkably, much of the problems at Brisbane Road that year began with the Rwandan civil war!

You may wonder what an East London football team and the plight of the small Central Eastern African Republic would ever have in common. You'd be right to wonder. Basically, Tony Wood, chairman at the time, saw his coffee-growing business out there destroyed during the unrest meaning he could no longer afford to keep running the club. It doesn't need pointing out that atrocities over there far outweigh any problems at some football team but for O's fan, this looked like the beginning of the end for their team. Wood famously put the club up for sale for just a fiver. They were eventually saved by Barry Hearn but not before they were subject of a documentary detailing their struggles that year.

One of the most amazing scenes of this film was caught at half time during a game against Blackpool when the team were 1-0 down. John Sitton, at his wits end after yet another shambolic performance finally loses the plot completely and writes his name in football folklore...

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Premier League (All-inclusive) Team of the Season 2010-2011

2011-05-26T13:49:00.009+01:00

Anyone who reads this blog more than once without wanting to take legal action against me for stealing away valuable minutes of their lives, will know my previous reservations about the PFA and their decision to toss out awards to players long before the season's end. As such, I waited until the conclusion of the 2010/2011 Premier League campaign before doing similar.

What follows is the definitive Premier League team of the season. But rather than just select the best XI, I've decided to make things interesting restricting the selection to only ONE player per team. You might want to ask why to which I would simply respond that this is my blog therefore my rules. Deal with it.

GK
Edwin Van der Sar (Manchester United)
Lauded like some sort of evergreen tree not simply because of his size but also his longevity. The 40-year old Dutchman has hardly had a vintage season (admittedly, there are probably more deserving players from the pool of talent at Old Trafford) but is an easy choice as standout stopper in the sense that there hasn’t been much in the way of competition from other keepers this term.

RB
Blanislav Ivanovic (Chelsea)
Again, an absolute dearth of outstanding right backs in the league meant I’ve had to opt for the physically domineering Serb meaning his Chelsea chum Ashley Cole misses out on the left back spot. Not to say he isn’t deserving in his own right. His 'don't fuck with me' stare and general disregard for anyone else on the pitch (teammates included) have made him one the very few consistent performers at The Bridge this season.

LB
Leighton Baines (Everton)
How many players have the same initials as their position? Baines has had a fine season for a much improved Everton side. Like many modern multifunctional full backs, contributes to much of his side’s attacks as well as being a half decent defender. Got a lethal free kick on him too.

CB
Kompany (Manchester City)
The Man City man has stood out as the best defender (yes, better than Vidic!) in the league this season and for all City players that could make the cut, he gets the nod for me. It's easy to piss money on attackers but finding a solid consistent defender is where the real skill lies. Get's extra props for having to carry Joleon Lescott for most of the season too.

CB
Hangeland (Fulham)
Big bad Brede is a typical no frills centre half. Physically commanding, reads the game brilliantly for the most part but also provides a real threat – as in frightens the life out of his opposite number – when getting forward for set pieces. Everyone loves a goal-scoring defender.

CM
Scott Parker (West Ham)
Rightfully the winner of the Football writer's award this year. The only reason West Ham's relegation wasn't confirmed sooner.

CM
Jack Wilshere (Arsenal)
Unquestionably the breakthrough player of the season, there’s nothing new about young players starring in the first team at Arsenal but eyebrows have been raised by the fact that for once, the player happens to be English. At the almost infant age of 19 little Jack has also this season managed to earn his way into the England first team while still desperately being coveted by the U21s.

CM
Luka Modric (Tottenham Hotspur)
A more technically gifted player and more consistent over more of the season than certain more talked about Tottenham teammates. If he could add goals to his game, would be arguably one of the best players in the country.

LWF
Charlie Adam (Blackpool)
Looks like a builder but plays with the grace of a figure skater and has a left foot more practical than most people's hands. A stocky reminder that you don’t need to be 5’4” and built like a flea to be a fleet-footed and skilful. Gives hope to salad dodgers up and down the country. Should no doubt be a Premier League player next season despite Blackpool’s relegation.

RWF
Ashley Young (Aston Villa)
A full back's worst nightmare. Frightening pace and a wicked delivery. Not enough old fashioned out and out wingers these days.

ST
Peter Odemwinge (West Brom)
Straight shootout between him and Asamoah Gyan. The latter's injury means the Nigerian beats the Ghanaian (standard). As has been pointed out elsewhere, cost less and scored more goals for a far more inferior team than supposed “signing of the season” Hernandez.

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Formation: 4-3-3.

Subs

Ben Foster
Birmingham

Jose Enrique
Newcastle

Robert Huth
Stoke

Christopher Samba
Blackburn

Stuart Holden
Bolton

Charles N'Zogbia
Wigan

Dirk Kuyt
Liverpool

Steven Fletcher
Wolves

Asamoah Gyan
Sunderland

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Ch-Hell-sea, City-ing Pretty and Beck of the Net - Weekend Observations - 22nd May 2011

2011-05-23T22:49:00.008+01:00

After all the fun and games of the relegation battle, other final day stories sort of took on far less significance. Do I give mention to the team who actually took the trophy home? Well, having secured the title a week before, I'm going to say no. Besides, aside from vomiting at the fact Johnny Evans and Darron Gibson picked up winners medals, what more is there to say? We've all seen them lift the trophy more than enough times down the years, the whole thing has become boring.

And I mean REEEEALLY boring...

As I planned to write this here blog (yes, some form of planning actually goes into this crap!) I was going to mention the fact that Chelsea's meek surrender in the title race and generally abject end to the season had gone relatively unnoticed and unreported. That was until the whispers about Carlo Ancelotti's future suddenly became so loud they managed to perforate the collective eardrum of the entire population of Kensington when Roman Abramovich actually went ahead and pulled the trigger - as is his wont and a major problem for the club - on the luckless Italian for having the gall to finish 2nd after winning the double in his debut season just last year. Useless so and so! At least he has time to go to the Flower Show this week.

Carlo's P45 followed The Blues' 1-0 defeat at Everton meaning third placed Manchester City's 2-0 win at Bolton capped what has been an impressive season for the... er, lighter shade of Blue(s) as they finished level on points with the West Londoners. The cash rich citizens' win also meant that Arsenal finished a lowly fourth in a season that promised oh so much at one stage. The last few weeks - a surprise win over the champions aside - have seen the North Londoners in freefall. A limp 2-2 draw at Fulham just about summed up their wretched second half of the season showing. The gunners went in needing to win to have any chance of catching City but the result at Craven Cottage was telling as Wenger's team weren't even capable achieving the bare minimum required of them on the day. A few more games and I am certain they would have missed out on Europe altogether so maybe they ought to actually be grateful for fourth...

The only shining light at the Emirates seems to the continued excellent form of Robin van Persie whose record 9th consecutive goal in away Premier League games and 18th overall this season makes you wonder what might be IF he can stay fit for a whole season and IF his manager decides to bring in some decent players to play alongside him.

Arch rivals Tottenham arrested their own recent rot with a 2-1 home win (finally) that of course sent Birmingham down while securing 5th place and Europa league qualification much to the dismay of 'arry and most people inside White Hart Lane. Having tasted the sumptuous delights of the Champions League banquet for the first time, you can't imagine they'll be too pleased to drop back into Europe's secondary competition – the equivalent of eating a cold service station Ginsters slice in a lay-by off the M25.

I know I've been down on the tiresome predictability of the Premier League for much of this season but, I have to say that the final day made realise exactly why we still continue to watch and love this game oh so much. Has one round of fixtures produced so many top quality goals? I can't be bothered to check so instead I will doth my cap to [deep breath] Roman Pavlyuchenko, Craig Gardner, Brett Emerton, Junior Hoilett, Stephen Hunt, Stewart Downing, Charlie Adam and Stephane Sessegnon who were all seemingly trying to compete in their own goal of the week/month/season competition.

Special praise however goes to a man I have often suggested offers about as much of a goalscroring threat as a stroke victim. Step forward Jermaine Beckford who went all Leo Messi on us as he drove through the Chelsea team with a run from deep in his own half before a cheeky dink over Petr Cech to score a goal of such quality, it would have surely run Rooney close for strike of the season had it not already been decided prior to that last day. Well played that man. Still won't convince me he's any better, mind.

GOOOOOOOOOOLAAAAAZO!!!!

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Dead Pool and Striking a Brum note - Relegation Day - May 22nd 2011

2011-05-23T22:43:00.009+01:00

I'm really starting to grow tired of Sky and the unnecessary propaganda surrounding all their 'Super Duper Sunday Football extravaganza' parties. Time and time again the actual event quite simply fails to live to expectation. Just this past weekend, 'Survival Sunday' promised tension, excitement and the most dramatic end to a Premier League season in recent memory but like all other 'Grand Slam' and 'Feast of Football' Sundays, it once again failed to deliver.

Hang about, that's not right at all!

That actually turned out to be quite a lot fun didn't it? For anyone lucky enough to have a subscription to the Sports channels and no girlfriend forcing them into taking walks at Kew Gardens because "it's such a nice day", you were able to witness all the drama promised and more and the relegation battle swung back and forth some 14 times over 90 minutes like some sort of ADHD suffering pendulum. After West Ham were condemned last Sunday, five teams were looking to avoid the final two relegation spots. When all was said and done, it would Blackpool and Birmingham sucked into the Championship vortex while Blackburn, Wolves and Wigan were able to keep their heads above water in a flurry of mixed metaphors and convoluted similes.

The neutrals choice, the breath of fresh air and recipients other such patronising plaudits Blackpool went as they came, attacking until the bitter end. Not many gave them a prayer at Old Trafford but for a brief moment as they went 2-1 up against the new champions, Ian Holloway and his tangerine army were in dreamland. Unfortunately, defender Ian Evatt had what qualified doctors would call 'a mare' as he picked the worst possible day to play like a some kind of limpet washed up on the shore of the town's own Pleasure Beach. Already at fault for his side's first goal conceded that day, things went completely pear-shaped as a moment of madness saw him turn the ball past his own keeper to give United the lead in the second half. The reds then cruised to a 4-2 win and this loveable Blackpool team was down and out. It's easy to sympathise with the hapless defender but I'm not sure how much pity he deserves. Yes, he made a mistake but it was a fairly stupid mistake(s) to make. If that's the standard of Blackpool's defence – the 78 goals they conceded in the league would suggest that it is – then maybe the Championship is the place for them after all.

I'll admit it was refreshing to see a team come up and not adopt what a lot of people would call the 'Stoke City' approach but in fairness, the Staffordshire side's philosophy has established them as a Premier League side. The contrasting fortunes of the two teams harks back to the age-old football debate about whether it is better to play well and lose or win ugly. An interesting footnote to Blackpool's Premier League adventure could see them rewarded with a place in the Europa League qualifiers by virtue of the fair play league [Decision Pending].

If Blackpool are given the place, they will join Carling Cup winners and fellow relegatees Birmingham City who lost 2-1 to Roman Pavlyuchenko at White Hart Lane. In contrast to Ian Holloway's team, Alex McLeish's men paid the price for being too conservative. The Blues were not adventurous enough in what was in effect a must win match. Playing for a draw was a dangerous game and in the end it proved costly. By the time they started to commit, they were already a goal down, a more positive approach did yield a fine equaliser from Craig Gardner but it was too late and they were punished further at the death.

So it's Championship football next year but despite this, surely Brum fans will still view this season as a success having secured their first trophy in some 40 years? The Carling Cup win IS consolation as is the prospect of European football next season. Something that may well prove useful for raising their profile but then again could have a damaging effect on any promotion hopes. Time will tell.

Staying up in dramatic fashion are Wigan Athletic who not only looked dead and buried for most of the afternoon but for a good solid chunk of the season too. Just one week earlier, they were 2-0 down at half time against West Ham and their survival chances looked slimmer than Kate Moss in a Vietnamese POW camp. A fantastic comeback that day and a valuable late 1-0 win at Stoke this week means yet another season of top flight football for the Roberto Martinez and his team.

The latics rode their luck harder than a champion jockey at Kempton for much of the game and despite big Hugo Rodallega getting the decisive goal, their real match winner on the day was Ali Al Habsi. The keeper made a number of vital saves to keep them in the game at 0-0 and will surely be rewarded with some kind of pie or whatever it the people of Wigan give out for such feats of gallantry.

Over at Molineux, Blackburn secured their safety by beating Wolves 3-2. However, the latter also stayed up by the skin of their teeth thanks to results elsewhere. On their awful first half showing alone, Mick McCarthy's men probably deserved go down more than anybody and as it is, ought to be grateful for the ineptitude of others for their continued existence as Premier League side. You'd like to think that Big Mick sent a bouquet of flowers and a huge thank you card to a certain Ian Evatt.

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