Hurry up and follow me on Tumblr!

http://alanzeyes.tumblr.com

If you’re not following me there, you’re missing out on all my new blog updates and interesting things that I’m sharing.

I’m not blogging on this site any more. So go follow me on Tumblr.

Thank you.

In the meantime, if you’d like to browse any of my past blog posts on this site, click on Tag Cloud to the right there.

I’ve decided to move away from long, detailed posts about what’s going on in my life, towards something a bit simpler. I’m going to use something called Tumblr to provide smaller blog posts, share videos and websites, and include Twitter updates, etc etc.

You can follow it here:  Alanz Tumblr

There’s also a link (above) to a page that shows the latest updates. Go to my Tumblr site and follow me, or subscribe via RSS or Email.

I really hope you’ll follow me. You’re going to see a lot more activity there, rather than here.

Wordpress is all well and good, but lately I’ve just been enjoying sharing links, and engaging in conversations about those links.  The links and subsequent conversations are reflections of my life and my interests.

I hope you can join in and be involved.

Since getting the iPad, I’ve found it really convenient to use it in bed before drifting off to sleep, to do some blogging, read some news or a book on the Kindle app, or… just whatever!

It’s lighter and more convenient than a laptop. The built-in keyboard is easy to use, and the apps encourage you to focus on just one thing at a time, instead of the multitasking that you can do on desktop computers and laptops. I like it for its simplicity and ease of use.

And because it encourages me to blog again…

I realized the other day that since I stopped using my Apple laptop when I got the iMac, I also stopped blogging. I thought it was because I was worried about security clearances at work, and not knowing how to write about my BDSM stuff, but in reality it was because I didn’t have the mobility of sitting back and relaxing with a laptop…

Now that I do again, I’ll be doing this much more often.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I recently wrote about my next great adventure, but I didn’t quite realize just how great it might be…

I’ve been trying to work out how to get my girlfriend here from the US, but it’s a real challenge. She doesn’t have any of the skills that the Australian govt deems worth letting her into the country for, and I don’t have enough money just yet to deal with the costs of her getting a visa into the country either. She can’t afford ‘evidence of funds’ that a foreigner has to show before they let them into the country.

I found out today the funds are about $5,000 for every 3 months she intends to be here. And she has to be here for 12 months before they would consider her as my defacto partner and let her have a partner visa. I’m sure you can see where that’s going…

So I have to think of other options. And one came to me today…

If I move to the US and work there for a year or more with her living with me, I could then bring her back to Australia with me as my partner. This would avoid all the costs associated with the other visa options.

But I’d have to move to the US….

Anyone that knows me also knows how much of a horrendous thought that is to me. But to be with my girl? It doesn’t feel so horrendous any more…

I’ll need an employer in the US that will sponsor me for at least a year, to basically provide me with a job for that long. Well, that’s not necessarily so difficult.

My current contract is being extended for a 5th time. At the end of this next extension I will have been with them as a Business Analyst across 2 major projects for about 18 months.

Maybe I can work for them in the US…

I’m going to start exploring this new option and see where it takes me.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

A long time ago, back when I was a young fella, I was at a friend’s house. It was a social occasion, ant there was probably about 8 of us there. As one does, I had to go to the toilet for a ‘number two’. That’s ‘poo’ for those of you that don’t know what a number two is…

I don’t know what I ate, or how long it had been since I’d gone for a poo prior to that night, but when I was finished and got up from the toilet, I jumped in surprise. I kid you not, there was a giant turd in the toilet bowl, standing up straight and proud.

It was pretty disturbing, but with a shrug I pressed the flush button to get rid of it. It didn’t move. I frowned, hearing the laughter of my friends outside the bathroom as they enjoyed the party What would the host think, me having to flush twice? But there was no choice, it had to be done. I flushed again.

Damn – it still didn’t budge! So I flushed a third time. Nothing. This giant turd was going nowhere!

With a heavy heart I left the bathroom, walked past my friends, and went outside into the garden. I came back in with a stick and went back into the bathroom. I tried bashing that giant turd with my stick, but my stick broke.

It was a tough shit…

So I went back outside for another stick. But by now I had gained the attention of my friends, particularly the host.

“What the he’ll is going on?” he said.

“There’s a giant turd in your bathroom, and tonight I’m Alan the Turd Slayer… Except I need a bigger sword.”

There was much laughter and amusement. One of my friends was a plumber, and he stepped forward to take control of the situation, except this situation was much bigger than what he was expecting.

“Holy shit, it’s a giant turd!”

Yes, that’s what I was trying to tell you…

So then the rest of my friends went into the toilet to gawk at my giant turd. I gave up. I sat down, picked up a magazine and my beer, and tried to ignore what was going on.

Three of them went out into the garden for large sticks. There was much grunting, swearing, splashing of the toilet flushing, eventually followed by a great “Hurrah!” The giant turd was defeated.

I will never forget that night.

Sometimes I feel very strongly that life is like a training ground, and it teaches you today the things you’ll need to know in the future. It might teach you patience, perseverance, tolerance, strength of character, understanding, compassion… All kinds of things that will help you as you get older and experience more. Of course, it might not even teach you anything, but is that the fault of life, or of your own obstinate character?

A lot has happened in my life. I’ve experienced a lot of things, and learned a lot of things. Some things I’ve learned along the way is that some things are worth it, even if they cause you pain – the pleasure you get from it is worth the pain, and so you continue to pursue it. As long as there’s pleasure in it, of course!

I also learned that everyone has their issues or idiosyncrasies. A friend once asked me what I thought determined the quality of a relationship. I said:

“The quality of a relationship is determined by how much of the other person’s emotional baggage you can handle, on top of your own…”
- Alan Howard

I made that comment about 9 years ago. Since then, I’ve not found anything to prove it wrong in any way.

Everyone has emotional baggage of some sort, and the older you are, the more you’re likely to have. Even teenagers will have emotional baggage, even if it’s not as much as someone in their 50’s. But to that teenager, there’s nothing more important than their baggage… It’s theirs, and they’ll hold onto it with all that they’ve got. And it only gets stronger as we get older.

Many years ago I went out with a woman who caused me a great deal of emotional pain. It made me fear going out with someone else who had similar emotional issues as she had. But over the years since then, I’ve learned we all have our shit to deal with, and none of us are perfect.

Sure, we can seek perfection, but that just shows we’re afraid of dealing with the shit in ourselves and in others. We want to avoid it so much that we seek someone ‘perfect’.

None of us are perfect, so how can we ever hope to find someone who is. And even if we did, why would such a perfect being want to dirty themselves with our imperfections.

I learned to be a bit more tolerant towards others. To avoid rejecting someone just because they had some emotional issues. Hell, I’ve got my share of issues, it’s stupid of me to try and look for someone who doesn’t have their own.

But how much of someone else’s issues can we tolerate? That’s the million dollar question, isn’t it.

In February I met a woman online who had Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). At first I was a little scared because of my own past experiences. But as I got to know her, and got to understand how it affected her and was expressed, I started to feel I could handle it. I started to feel that with all the things I’d learnt over the years, and with how things were developing between her and I, that maybe my life had been preparing me for exactly this woman. Who I am now is majorly different to who I was 10 years ago.

The more we got to know each other, the closer we became. The person that she was, underneath the outer shell of emotional issues – and maybe even because of them – was the kind of person I’ve been looking for. Someone who would let me be me, who would accept how I wanted to have a relationship, and was looking for that kind of relationship herself. Someone who wanted someone like me, as much as i wanted someone like her. We fell in love, and everything seemed wonderful.

But it wasn’t, because there were these emotional issues to deal with… In both of us. And the challenges of working through our issues in an online relationship. It’s certainly not easy.

But we’re still there, still working on it. I admire her commitment, and I admire her strength. Even in the midst of the pain we’re both experiencing, we still want each other, and the pleasures that we feel the other person can bring us.

I love her, and oddly enough, I’m loving the growth I’m getting from our relationship. It’s painful… But she’s in pain too. The least I can do is join her in it.

Like everything, they say time will tell… I’ve said that a few times in my past. I’m saying it again as I look forward to this next great adventure of my life.

I’m sitting here in bed writing my first blog post with the iPad. This is what the iPhone almost was… I had hoped to use it to blog too, but it was just too tedious to write with the tiny keyboard, whereas the iPad’s just a whole lot better.

Yes, I obviously got an iPad… And I’m really enjoying it too. It’s just damn convenient. Different to a laptop, you can only do one thing at a time, so multitasking isn’t really an option. But that just helps you focus.

The biggest reasons I got it was for instant unloading of photos from my DSLR onto here, and upload them to Picasa. Oh, and the book reading. And watching movies in bed with it. And browsing the web while I’m away from the computer. And YouTube.

And it’s about the same size and weight as a book, so no need to carry around laptops in backpacks, etc

You might even see me blogging a bit more…

When you’re interested in something, say a new car, you’ll see more of that car on the road than you ever saw before. Did you manifest them into being? No.

What happens is that your mind is aligned to something that it wasn’t aligned to before. As such, when it comes into your sphere of awareness, you become aware of it, because that’s what’s on your mind and you see it around you. You’ll take advantage of new opportunities to drive it, learn about it, talk to others about it, and maybe even eventually buy it.

What’s on your mind becomes real. You attract things to you that echo what you want inside of you.

The same is true for everything. If you want a new tv, you’ll see ads for them that weren’t there before (you’re sure of it!). You’ll talk about tv’s with others, and you’ll get advice and information about which tv to buy. You’ll see tv’s in stores as you walk by, and you’ll swear that they didn’t have so many tv’s when you weren’t interested. Eventually you’ll buy a tv that echoes what is in your mind.

Take it a step further.

Let’s say that in your mind you don’t believe you’re worthy of attention. In your mind, you believed your abusive parents when they told you that you were ‘good for nothing’, and that ‘nothing good will ever happen to you’. So in your mind, you believe only bad things will happen. You imagine bad things happening to you, the same as someone else imagines themselves in a new car. You see bad things happen to others, because these things are in alignment with what’s in your mind – you see what you’re looking for, and if you’re looking for horror and misery, that’s what you’ll see. You ‘take advantage’ of opportunities that reflect your inner reality, because everyone wants justification for their way of thinking, and by seeking out those bad experiences it only justifies and reinforces the inner belief that that’s all you deserve in your life.

Let’s look at it from the opposite point of view, from someone that was encouraged from a young age to believe in themselves, to feel worthy of attention, admiration and success. These things are in their mind, so that’s what happens in their life – attention, admiration and success. Opportunities arise that echoes their mind and their beliefs, and things are manifested in their life that results from these beliefs – high-paying jobs, money to buy houses and cars, opportunities for travel and recognition…. all because of what’s in their mind.

That’s what the Law Of Attraction (LOA) is all about. You attract a reality that is based on what you believe you deserve.

If you want to change your life, you have to change what’s going on in your mind, in your inner reality. You can’t change your outer reality without first changing that inner reality.

No one can be successful if they don’t believe they are in their mind and heart. No one can be downtrodden and miserable if they believe in themselves that they’re successful and happy.

The LOA is not about “I want a new tv – oh look! Now I have one!” That’s stupidity, and if you firmly believe that’s what it’s about, then you’ve misinterpreted it, misunderstood it, or you just don’t want to believe it. You reject it for your own reasons, and most of these reasons are likely to revolve around “I don’t want to be responsible for what happens in my life!”

Here’s another aspect of it… those who believe in the LOA will find evidence and results of what they believe, while those who don’t believe in the LOA will also find evidence and results of what they believe.

Your life is a reflection of your beliefs. If you want a different life, then you have to create different beliefs. That’s what the LOA is all about.

My own life has changed because I follow the LOA and I believe in it. It works for me.

If you think it doesn’t exist at all, that it’s a load of hogwash, then for you it is exactly what you believe. Your reality echoes what’s in your mind. And yet, for me, I still see the LOA in action for you, and everyone else, because the effects of the LOA are visible to me. My mind is in alignment with it, so I see it everywhere.

When you truly understand how the LOA actually works, and what it all means, you can use this to really change your life. Since your life somehow echoes your mind, you can really get an understanding of the nature of your mind by looking at your life.

What do you like about your life? What do you hate about your life? How does your life echo what’s on your mind? Can you see that your life is an echo or reflection of what’s going on in your mind?

Don’t wait for your life to change so that you can start thinking differently about it. Until you think differently, your life will remain the same. You HAVE to start thinking differently first, so that your life can start echoing what’s going on in your mind.

The Law of Attraction will always attract to you what exists first in your mind. When you think better thoughts for yourself, your life will truly change. It has to. It has no choice, as it will always echo your mind.

Make your mind a happy, healthy and rewarding place for you to be, and your life will echo it.

So I went for my eye test on Friday last week, and found that I’m longsighted, which means I have great long vision (20/15), but crap short vision (I don’t know what the visual acuity reading is for my short-range vision… I’ll have to find out, I think).  I got tested for glasses, using different lenses to determine the best type for me.

<— I got the glasses yesterday and they’re supposed to aid me with reading and computer use, but there’s a bit of a problem.  They only work within about a foot range of my eyes, and anything outside that range is blurry.  Great if I sat about a foot away from the screen, but instead I sit about 2 feet from the screen.

Doesn’t seem like much, but in terms of trying to get the glasses to work, it causes major eye strain. So I rang the optometrist and have to go back in for a re-testing.  I’ll do that this afternoon on the way home from work.

My computer use is so much clearer with the glasses though…  but I have to be almost right on the screen for them to work. I wonder if they can extend the range of the glasses so that everything within 3 feet is clear, rather than just 1 foot.

I guess it started a year ago, when that woman wanted to be my submissive. It started a series of events that ended up being all about my own evolution as a person.

I’ve been writing in this blog since 1998. That’s 12 years of online journaling and blogging. That’s 12 years of my life recorded in this blog. It’s gone through a number of transitions over that time, from different domains and different styles, but one thing has remained the same – it’s been an online record of my life for the past 12 years.

That’s pretty amazing.

Everyone grows, and 12 years holds a lot of growth. I used to be weak and pathetic, unable to even get a second date for 5 damn years! But all those experiences helped me grow into someone who didn’t have a problem getting a date or finding someone to actually spend time in a relationship with. All those relationships over the years have helped me work out what was best for me.

Back in 2006 I wrote a post called Live YOUR Life.

Live your life for yourself, respecting yourself and others along the way. Do what feels right for you. Don’t live your life according to what you believe others expect of you, whoever they might be. Live YOUR life.

Everything I do, and everything I advise others, is all about living the life that you want to live. Along the way I’ve been discovering all about my own life, and what I want from it, and from the women that I want to share it with. It’s been a struggle on occasions, but some of the best lessons are the hardest to learn.

We attract to us the people that we need to learn from. If we’re constantly growing and evolving as a person, then we’re going to need different people to help us at different times of our lives. Of course, the reverse is true too – if we’re not growing, then we’re not going to be able to find anyone to join us in a relationship, since relationship is all about growth.

I’ve certainly had my fair share of relationships over the years, but I’ve also grown a lot. I’m incredibly thankful for all those who came into my life to help me learn something new about myself, about other people, and about relationships, because without them I wouldn’t be where I am today.

And that’s the interesting question, isn’t it. Where am I today?

Well, it’s become clear to me over the past week that the BDSM lifestyle is something that suits me, particularly as a Dominant. I’ve been a Dominant for many years, but never knew it. I’ve loved being the dominant part of a relationship, and have always felt disturbed in some way by men giving up their masculinity to be the submissive part of their relationship.

I’ve been thinking about this a great deal, because it’s obviously very important to understand. Not just for me, but for others too. If I’m going to follow a particular path in my life, because I’m so open about it and what I do, people are going to ask me “Why the hell are you doing that???”

Issues of control and equality seem to be foremost in some people’s heads, and that’s a result of social conditioning. Society says “This is good,” and “This is bad.” And people who want to conform with society in order to be accepted will just take for granted that what society says is good and bad must be so.

They don’t think for themselves about what they want, and instead think about what they want within ‘the rules of society’. Like a good little member of society, they follow the rules set before them.

“Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suit on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life…

But why would I want to do a thing like that?”
– Trainspotting

I can’t think of anything more soul-crushing than following the rules of a mind-numbing society that wants me to conform to what it thinks is best for me, and that’s been my evolutionary path – to find my own way.

From now on, this blog will continue to be the expression of my life, but as my sexuality evolves, so will I be discussing it on this blog.

I’ll be discussing things concerning BDSM, dominance, submission, inequality, control, etc… If this offends you, you absolutely have the right to be offended. But I absolutely have the right to live the life of my own choosing, and since this is my blog, and you have the choice of reading it or not, you have the right to stop reading it.

So, goodbye to the people who don’t want to be offended, who prefer to cling onto their mind-numbingly boring lives, following the conventional rules of life.

Hello to the rest of you!

I’d love to get to know you. Please drop a comment to say hi and introduce yourselves. Let’s enjoy our non-conventional lives together.