involuntary metamorphosis

It's going to be a long night.

jackierenee@cox.net (Jackie) — Tue, 24 May 2011 14:12:00 +0000

After dealing with tornadoes on Sunday night, severe flooding last night (I almost didn't make it to the end of our street and then almost killed myself trying to make it to work), and facing the significant possibility for severe tornadoes tonight, my brain is dead. My sweet Kendall is acting all scared-hypervigilant-nervous about *anything* that even resembles a cloud in the sky and one of his good friends at school lost their home in West Siloam Sunday night. My heart is breaking for all those affected and we are going to do it all again tonight. I'm going to bed right after I take a long, hot bath.

I have a feeling I will need to be well rested this evening.

Oh Hail.

jackierenee@cox.net (Jackie) — Mon, 23 May 2011 12:12:00 +0000

Waiting out a nasty tornado with golf ball size hail before work, driving to work only to be locked in a FEMA safe room for roughly three hours with six mattresses, two bouncy seats, two other staff members, four babies and five toddlers, knowing all you have to pee in is a 5-gallon bucket while locked in that safe room, having to get very creative with baby sleeping arrangements, calling your supervisor on the walkie talkie to beg for Tylenol for a screaming baby with a raging ear infection (while still locked in the safe room), listening to the weather radio and hearing the tornado warning is being extended for another 30 minutes, having 20 disposable cups, but no drinking water, and then...running around like a chicken with it's head cut off playing catch up for five hours...does not make me a happy girl in the least little bit.

The blessings of the night?

We are all safe and alive this morning.

A super brilliant designer thought to install a ceiling fan in the safe room.

A white 5-gallon bucket. :)

For the record: The tornado warning that was issued right before I was scheduled to leave for work was insane. The sirens sounded for around 45 minutes or so, we had hail the size of ping pong balls, and Jason was standing in the entryway watching the show. I yanked him back a few feet when I saw the size of the hail falling out of the sky. He scrambled to grab a few pieces and I tried to take a picture or two. I was on the phone with my daughter the entire time. When the lightening flashed and I saw a lowering in the sky, I said a few bad words and took cover back inside the house.

Here is the only shot I managed to get before I was too scared to be outside anymore.

I know all the focus is on Joplin right now and while I am praying for them, I don't want to forget our friends down the street in West Siloam. An entire trailer park was leveled. Those people lost everything they had last night. That damage is just right down the road from us.

I don't know about you, but all these "close calls" lately make the hair on the back of my neck stand on end.

p.s. It's now 8:20 in the morning and I can *still* here the incessant wail of the tornado sirens. :(

The post in which I write about employment, report cards, and miracle drugs

jackierenee@cox.net (Jackie) — Wed, 04 May 2011 00:25:00 +0000

The Children's Shelter called and offered me a job today.

I almost jumped off the couch when I realized why they were calling.

You see, I applied for this job two months ago.

Yes, it is a night shift position, 11:30-7:30, Tuesday through Saturday. Most of their childcare workers aren't needed during the day, as the children are in school. And, it's $3.00 more per hour than I make now. But, I am not leaving my current job because of the money. That is only one of the many pros I can list for this position. I can stay there after I finish my degree and do the one thing I have longed to do for so many, many years. Be a role model and positive influence in the lives of hurting, broken children.

I am so excited I can't sit still. I have to go do my background checks tomorrow evening after I get off work from the preschool.

Some of you may be asking, "Why on earth are you changing jobs AGAIN?"

So, to you, I say this:

I have wanted to apply at this shelter for over two years now. It is only with the encouragement of my best friend that I finally caved, sucked it up, and applied. Then, I waited. That wait has paid off, BIG TIME. For years I have wanted to work with hurting women and children in some capacity. That is where my heart is, with victims of violence and abuse. They are my passion and I want to have a positive impact on their broken lives. I took the position at the preschool because I couldn't not have a job any longer. We needed a paycheck. I have been waiting on the phone call from them for two months. Waiting. Pacing. Crying. Praying. Finally, it came today. I know without a doubt this is an answer to prayer.

However, that is not to say I won't miss my kids at the preschool. I love them and I feel a sense of commitment to them. I have wrestled with the "what ifs" for days on end. What if the shelter calls me? Will I be able to leave my kids? What will happen when they have yet another teacher walk out on them? How do I explain my decision to my boss? How do I explain this decision to the BIG lead teacher (over all the other leads) when she does nothing but praise me and my work with these kiddos? She told me the other day that she was so happy I was part of that school, that she knew I was different.

A keeper, she said.

You have no idea how hard this decision has been.

But honestly, my decision was made before the phone ever rang today.

God knew it was going to happen before we ever did and I am leaving it to him to work out all the details. To go before me and prepare hearts and minds for what I have to say.

In other family news.....Kendall got straight A's on his report card!!!!!!!

I am so happy I can't stop smiling. He has worked his tail off for those grades. I plan to take him out for crab legs soon. He loves crab legs. :)

And, in other "Kendall News".....we have finally, after many heartbreaking years filled with tears, fights, and ultimatums figured out what is going on inside his pretty little head.

Kendall has ADHD. Severely.

I am not going to post all the details about how we came to believe this about him, but trust me when I say it's been a nightmare.

First, we know what his pediatrician said. If he is truly ADHD and he is put on the right medicine, we will know that very day whether or not this his real diagnosis. Well, she nailed it. He has been on Risperdal for a "Mood Disorder, non specific" for about a month now. He takes only .5mg at bedtime, a tiny dose meant to stabilize his intense mood swings. It helped, but he was still having some issues with his temper and focusing. So, she started him on Concerta for ADHD. The very first day his teacher said he was like a different kid. She had to keep looking up to make sure he was still in the classroom. I was thrilled.

It has only gotten better since then. He says he feels better, he is getting his friends back and he can finally do a math test without having a total meltdown. In the last week he has aced his reading test, read out loud in class for the first time in months, and brought home a straight A report card. I am so happy I feel like crying!!! He feels so much better about himself.

The issue with putting kids on medicine?? Keep your comments to yourself. He is my son and I will make that decision. He was at a point where it was doing more harm than good to keep him OFF the medicine.

All in all, it's been a very good week for our little family.

Oh, and a shout out to my bestie, Debra!! She landed herself a "Big Girl" job with all the trimmings working for a wonderful organization in NW Arkansas. She went out and bought herself a new car, too. I am so very proud of her and FOR HER. So, Miss Debra, here is your pat on the back, girlfriend. I love ya. As soon as we get the chance, we are headed to Jose's for a couple of Big Ol' Strawberry Margaritas!!! :)

jackie

I love these kids. :)

jackierenee@cox.net (Jackie) — Sat, 23 Apr 2011 10:55:00 +0000

So, yesterday I came home to a nasty tornado warning and sirens going off. It was really, really intense here for awhile. Jason was driving home in it. He had picked up Danielle and I knew judging by what time it was that he was getting very close to home....and the impending storm. I prayed first, then I told Kendall to get in the bathtub. I turned on the news and that is when I realized JUST how close the storm was. A storm spotter had identified a funnel cloud on the ground and it was headed right for us. I freaked out and called my son's grandfather. I was in a full blown state of panic by that time and knowing that my husband was driving in it almost sent me over the edge. Charles calmed me down a bit. I also called my best friend and told her the sirens were going off and she needed to take cover now. *She lives in a second story apartment with her two boys.* She decided it was best to try and make the drive over here before the storm hit us. So, there I was....outside....pacing....praying....and watching the sky. Debra got here first and Jason was right behind her, with Danielle. I got all the kids in the bathroom and we all started watching the news. It was then that we realized it was going to miss us by about 5 miles or so. It traveled right behind the casino and then turned and headed north of us. The casino is only about a two minute drive from our house and to be blunt, I was scared out of my mind. I had seen the severe damage the last tornado did to Arkansas' little town of Cincinnati in December.

We watched and waited.

It missed us and all we got was a bit of hail, some heavy rain and high winds.

I calmed down and later, my friend and her kids decided to go back to their own home.

A few hours after the storm I looked outside and the sky was a gorgeous red and yellow color. I told the kids to go outside to look and they were amazed at how awesome the colors looked. Before we came back in I was talking to them about if the sirens were to go off in the middle of the night, they needed to go straight to the bathroom and they weren't to try and grab anything. Just go to their safe place. Kendall looked at me and said, "Mom, what about my hermit crabs?"

Danielle, my sweet, shy, quiet daughter *she lets everyone else do all the talking around here!!* looked at him like he was crazy and said....

"Kendall, nobody cares about your stupid hermit crabs!!!"

I thought I was going to wet my pants I was laughing so hard.

If you know just how shy my step-daughter is, you obviously know this is totally out of character for her to say something like this.

I love these kids. They make me smile.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

jackierenee@cox.net (Jackie) — Fri, 22 Apr 2011 00:33:00 +0000

I just don't know if I can do this.

When I went back to work yesterday I *thought* I would be returning to the same position I left....an assistant teaching position in the Pre-K room.

I was wrong.

Dead wrong.

I was made Lead Teacher of the 2 year old room.

I am responsible for a number of things, the most time consuming being planning and implementing a monthly lesson plan. I am also over the assistant teachers in my room and it is my job to make sure they do their jobs.

I am scared out of my mind!!

I have SO MANY THINGS that I am responsible for and it *almost* sends me into panic mode!!

I have to write out an activity calendar full of age-appropriate projects and activities to fill up the hours of 7am-6pm, Monday thru Friday. We have two art projects to complete each day of every week and coloring sheets are not allowed. I have to keep track of what each child is accomplishing on their individual anecdotal record. I have to plan lesson plan enhancements for each month to correspond with the monthly theme and activities. I have to plan one special celebration/party every month, complete with handmade gifts for the parents. I have to plan a chapel/faith lesson with an art project for my assigned week every month. I have to create and maintain a folder for any substitute teacher we may have if I am absent. I have to hold parent teacher conferences twice a year and more often if necessary. I have to....I have to.....I have to.....

OH DEAR GOD, HELP ME!!!!! I am so very scared.

All of my life my friends and the family that love me have always said I was a natural born leader. I am one of the best planners they know. I am so organized it makes them sick. That I am assertive, but compassionate. That I am strong, but loving. That I don't take any crap from anyone, at anytime.

Then why the heck am I so scared??

I honestly feel in my heart I can do this, but my "I am Human, and I will Fail" mind is telling me I can't.

I am now responsible for the care and learning of 15 two year olds. And, in between all of this learning, planning, reading, and writing I will need to stop and give hugs. I will need to rub backs when they can't fall asleep. I will have to change diapers for those that aren't quite potty trained. I will be singing songs and doing puzzles. I will teach them how to cut with scissors and how to count in Spanish. (I can't even count in Spanish!!!!) :)

I am humbly asking for your prayers and support as I jump into this head first. I am a bit overwhelmed and as nervous as a turkey on Thanksgiving Day, but my kids will never know that. I will hold my head up and teach them to the best of my abilities. I will try to lead and guide them down the right path. I will do my best to help them become helpers.

And hopefully, they will help Me to become a much better Me.

The Blue Room

jackierenee@cox.net (Jackie) — Wed, 20 Apr 2011 01:16:00 +0000

this is where I will be tomorrow.

In the Blue Room.

With 17 absolutely fantastic kiddos from 8:30am-5:30pm.

We will have breakfast and then we will do a craft project. After that we will head outside to play basketball, ride tricycles and play hide and seek. Then the fun begins. After we get back inside, I will do one on one interaction with each child working on numbers, letters, and sight words. The other kids will be at one of several stations in the classroom doing various activities together. They will build with Legos. Some of the girls will put on aprons and mix up "pancake batter." Others will work with blocks and cars, building elaborate roadways with bridges and tunnels. Before long, it's lunch time. The wonderful, amazing Lunch Lady will bring us our food and we will all sit down to eat as a group. My kids will serve themselves after washing and drying their hands. They will use their best manners and eat with napkins on their laps. I will smile and enjoy the most exciting conversations imaginable. "Miss Jackie, did you know I have a pet turtle?" "Miss Jackie, I love to dip my grilled cheese in tomato soup!!" "Miss Jackie, you are so nice to us." "Miss Jackie, may I have some more peaches, please?"

After lunch is finished we have circle time. This is when we sing "Little Bunny Foo Foo" and do our exercises. Then, it's nap time. I will clean, sanitize and prepare for the afternoon. When the kids wake up we will work on another art project. This one will involve glue, colors, markers, construction paper cutting, and lots of enthusiasm. My kids are so proud of the things they create. I am proud of them, too. Even when the lines aren't straight or they color an entire daffodil black. I laugh and tell them, "This is such a beautiful flower." Later, we will go outside for the last time on this day. The kids will run, jump, and scream. I will watch over them with a protective eye. When someone falls and scrapes their knee I will hug them and offer a band-aid.

Later, when Mom or Dad picks up each of these precious children, I will watch them go and know I kept them safe for one more day.

I will know I helped them learn. I helped them grow a little more. I allowed them to ask questions. I was there for them when they needed help tying a shoe or remembering the words of the Lord's Prayer.

I don't have the words to tell you how much I love my job. I feel this is right where I am supposed to be at this point in my life.

I am so grateful tonight.

Grateful for my job. Grateful for these little ones and all they teach me.

Grateful for second chances.

Surviving the Journey

jackierenee@cox.net (Jackie) — Sun, 17 Apr 2011 17:28:00 +0000

I need to be working on writing posts for the "My Story" and "About This Blog" links, but I am too tired to get started on it today. And to be bluntly honest, I have no idea where to start my story. Over the years more than a couple of people have been quoted as saying, "You know, you really can't make this shit up" when discussing my life and it's history. So, I don't really know where to begin.

But, I CAN tell you that yesterday was AMAZING.

We ventured out dressed to brave the freezing temperatures and brutal wind to walk in the Surviving the Journey 5K and Memory Walk. When I say it was cold, Man oh Man, it was COLD. The wind just about caused me to turn back and head right back home to my warm bed, but my kids were with me and that made me press on. So, we gathered with quite a few others to walk for awareness and remember our loved ones. Shortly after we arrived the kids and I decided to fill out notes for the memory board. This was our first walk and I really wanted to experience all of it, so I encouraged the kids to write down a message to Charlie and my Dad. Let me back track for just a minute here....My late husband's father, Charles Sr. drove up from south Arkansas with his granddaughter and her friend to be with us for the walk. He has never been to anything like this and it made me cry to have him here. We met him at the park and after hugs and a few tears we walked together to the registration table. I signed us all in and we got our t-shirts. Charles was the first to write a note to Charlie. Kendall and I wrote ours next and since Kendall was finished before I was, I didn't get a photo of him writing it. :( I actually failed at getting any really super photos because I was trying really hard to "be there" and not just be the "photographer" at the event. I wanted to experience this with my children, not have that camera stuck in my face the entire time. And I finally decided that instead of trying to capture every little detail, I would put the camera down and allow myself to be in the moment for once.

We shared in a few minutes of silence to remember those we have lost and all of the people who have attempted suicide and survived. When I looked up, everyone I saw was crying. I was so happy to not be the only one!! I was really scared I would be the only one who cried so much. It's hard to hold back the tears when you are dealing with such strong emotions. The sponsors for the walk had balloons for us to release. Holley, Kendall, and I all released two balloons, one for my Daddy and one for Charlie. It was so cool to watch as they floated away. Every one of the walkers stood and watched until none of the balloons could be seen anymore. It was awesome!!

It was great. I laughed. I cried. We shared memories. We were quiet.

But, the most important thing happened: We remembered.

Later, Kendall and his grandpa Charles spent a bit of time together here at the house. They talked and played football. We looked at photo albums. We laughed and cried some more. It was a most perfect day. I only wish Charles could have stayed longer!! We miss you already!!

Here are a few of the photos I took yesterday. They certainly aren't my best and I look totally awful. I had my hair back in a ponytail and with the headband on to keep my ears warm I look like I have no hair!! Oh well, it's not about me. It's about them.

The sign from the walk.

Kendall with his Grandpa Charles.

Kendall in the USA leather coat that belonged to his father, Charles Jr. It now belongs to Charles Sr. This is the first time Kendall has had it on and I cried when Charles told Kendall he was getting a "hug from his daddy".

Holley, Kendall, and I with the very last photo taken of my Daddy. It was taken on his birthday, 10 days before he died. It's my very favorite photo of him.

Kendall and Grandpa Charles with the very last photo taken of Charles Jr. and Kendall. It was taken at Kendall's 1st birthday on August 1, 2001. Charlie died on December 4, 2001 and this photo was displayed at his funeral. One copy now sits on Kendall's headboard and another copy is in his school binder.

Charles Sr., Kendall, and I trying our best to stay warm in the freezing temperatures!!

Holley and Shelby at the walk.

Kendall walking hand in hand with his Grandpa Charles. I tell you what, that man amazes me sometimes!! He has a really bad knee and walks with a cane sometimes, but he was determined to finish that walk on his feet and not in a wheelchair. I must have asked him 50 times or more if he was hurting or needed me to get his chair. He held his head up and kept right on going, Kendall holding his hand the entire way. I mostly walked behind watching the two of them together. It warmed my heart and made me cry big ol' tears. My son, who lost his father at age 16 months, was walking for suicide awareness with his Grandpa, who lost his son. One of them was remembering the son he misses so dearly. The other was grieving for the loss of the father he doesn't know how to miss. I was hurting for both of them. My precious son, who is my miracle baby, misses his real daddy so very much and this great man, his Grandpa, is the one person who can fill that void better than anyone else. Yes, my son has a "father" in my husband, Jason. After all, Jason has been in Kendall's life since he was 3 years old, but Jason can't give him what his Grandpa can. Charles Sr. can answer the 5, 392, 419 questions Kendall has about his Dad. Charles and ONLY Charles can do that for my dear boy.

My sweet daughter writing her note to Charlie.

I <3 You.

I miss You.

This note? The one she is hanging on the board? Well, this is when I REALLY lost it. She wrote a note for my Daddy, her namesake. It wasn't the fact that she wrote the note. It wasn't really the fact that she told him she loved him. It was the fact that my amazing, smart daughter put into words the exact thing I think every SINGLE time I think about my daddy AND Charlie. She told my Daddy she wished she could have known him. My Daddy took his life when Holley was a wee little babe, only two months old. My Charlie took his life when Kendall was just learning who his daddy was, only 16 months old. It is so crazy to me that my daughter, my sweet Holley Girl put on paper what I feel for both of my babies.

I wish they could have known them.

I wish Holley could have known my Daddy. Wish they could go hunting together. Go down to the Pit Stop in Arcadia and get a Coke ICEE with a bag of Doritos. I wanted him to teach her how to change the oil in her car. How to change a flat tire. To share all of his mechanical knowledge with her. I wanted him to take her to the lease, eat some nasty Vienna Sausages, drink black coffee and kill a couple of big bucks.

I wish Kendall could have known his Daddy. I wish they could have gone to Silver Dollar City together. I wish Charlie was here to teach Kendall how to pitch a baseball and catch a football. To help him with his homework. To tuck him in bed at night. I wanted them to make pancakes together and then eat every one of them for breakfast.

Our notes took up half of one board.

These are the notes we wrote for our loved ones. Just a few words. Not nearly all we have to say to them, but we wrote what was on our hearts at the time.

I am thrilled that I got to share this day with my children and Charles Sr. I will hold these memories close to my heart for the rest of my life.

about this blog: a warning

jackierenee@cox.net (Jackie) — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 14:40:00 +0000

This blog contains things that most would consider "sensitive material".

In fact, I think I would even consider this blog "adult only".

It's your call.

Here's the deal....

I write about some really difficult issues.

Death.

Suicide.

Sadness.

Grief.

Some of my posts contain bad words.

Really bad words.

Sometimes, lots of them.

I will not censor my posts for you.

However, you DO have a choice in this.

---Take me to the kittens.---

You can choose not to read here.

I don't care either way.

This blog is not about you, it's about me.

I am sorry if this offends any of you, but I am not going to make myself into something I'm not just to make you feel better, or because I am scared of what you might think of me.

I am 34 years old, I write about some really strong emotions, and you know what?

Sometimes the word shit or damn expresses exactly what you are trying to say.

Yes, I have been to Hell and lived to tell you about it, but I have also had some AMAZING times in my life.

I have a wonderful, loving husband and three kids who are the very reason I get out of bed everyday.

So, if you can overlook an occasional bad word, get your cup of coffee, or your cup of tea, a big box of Kleenex and hang around for awhile.

You might find you actually like it here.

jackie :)

my story

jackierenee@cox.net (Jackie) — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 14:39:00 +0000

Check back soon. :)

Bring the Rain

jackierenee@cox.net (Jackie) — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 23:14:00 +0000

This is how I feel right now. The last week has been HELL. It has drained me emotionally and spiritually. Right now, I am holding on to God's promises and knowing that He will be walking with me through this valley.

Scroll down to the bottom and pause the player to listen to this video.

Enjoy. :)

Mercy Me-Bring the Rain

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Inspirational Quotes

jackierenee@cox.net (Jackie) — Sun, 10 Apr 2011 15:55:00 +0000

This list is going to be a work in progress. I will add to it often and sometimes, take away. If you like a particular quote, please feel free to take it and use it. However, I do ask that you give credit to the original author and tell others where you found it.

Thank you. :)

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
~Marianne Williamson~

Tears are God’s gift to us. Our holy water. They heal us as they flow. ~Rita Schiano, Sweet Bitter Love, 1997, published by The Reed Edwards Company

If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.
~Author Unknown

For some moments in life there are no words. ~David Seltzer, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

"Few of us ever live in the present. We are forever anticipating what is to come or remembering what has gone." ~ Louis L'Amour

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." ~Marilyn Monroe

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. ~ Jan Glidewell

Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something. They're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take. ~ Anthony Robbins

"Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, but stigma and bias shame us all." ~ Bill Clinton

"What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate. - Barnett R. Brickner

"There's such a lot of different Annes in me. I sometimes think that is why I'm such a troublesome person. If I was just the one Anne it would be ever so much more comfortable, but then it wouldn't be half so interesting." ~ Lucy Maud Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

Life is like an onion: You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. ~ Carl Sandburg

Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow.— Dorothy Thompson

Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. — A. A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.— Semisonic, Closing Time

The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any. — Alice Walker, The Color Purple

In order to get from what was to what will be, you must go through what is. — Anonymous

The most important of life’s battles is the one we fight daily in the silent chambers of the soul. — David O. McKay

I do my thing and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful. If not, it can't be helped. -Fritz Perls

People are often unreasonable and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you.
Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough.
Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It never was between you and them anyway.
- Mother Teresa

"You don't love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear." Anonymous

100 Things About Me

jackierenee@cox.net (Jackie) — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 00:18:00 +0000

I don't know if I can come up with 100 things, but here goes nothing.....

Oh, I will probably share some very personal, very difficult things, so consider yourself warned. You don't have to like what I say about myself and you certainly don't have to read here.

:) :) :)

1. I am an only child. My parents tried to get pregnant for almost ten years before having me.

2. I am a proud Louisiana native. I moved to Arkansas when I was 18 and while I love it here, there are times when I really miss my home state.

3. By the time I was 19 years old I had buried both my mother and my father.

4. By the time I was 23 years old I had buried my mother, my father, and my husband.

5. The last movie I watched with my mother before she died was Steel Magnolias. Mama died due to complications from diabetes, just like Shelby. I still cry every time I watch it.

6. My daddy is responsible for my love of raw oysters.

7. I once consumed 4 dozen raw oysters, 11 Coronas, 2 BIG margaritas, and a couple Midori Sours at a bar in Ft. Walton Beach. It was a lot of fun during, but afterwards...OH MAN. It was really, really bad.

8. My ex-husband taught me how to make pancakes. His mother taught me how to "properly" fry an egg.

9. I got married for the first time at 16. I was not pregnant.

10. I had my daughter, Holley, at 18. She is named after my mother and father.

11. My father died two months after Holley was born.

12. I will be 34 years old in four days. Holy crap I'm getting old.

13. I love Van Morrison, Ray Charles, and Kenny Wayne Shepherd.

14. I also really love Michael Grimm. He's going to be a legend, I can feel it. I am calling it right now.

15. I have vitiligo. This is the same disease that caused Michael Jackson to look like he bleached his skin.

_______________________________________________________________

Edited to add the next few things about me....

16. My favorite color is red.

17. When I was a freshman in high school I stole cigarettes from my Daddy's carton that he kept in his truck. I left an empty space where that pack should have been in hopes that he wouldn't notice. He noticed.

18. That same year a boy that I was in love with died in a car wreck. Both he and the driver were drunk. I was supposed to be in that truck.

19. When I was a little girl I sucked the middle and ring fingers on my left hand.

20. Every year on my Daddy's birthday I have a Crown and Coke. Just one, but for many years after he died it was three or four.

21. I have two cats names Cash and June that I adopted from the animal shelter. They are spoiled rotten.

22. I have a severe addiction to Lindt truffles, the white chocolate ones.

23. I attended five different high schools in two years time, but never graduated. I got my GED in 1996.

24. I played the flute for six years when I was in school. I made first chair at my high school and second chair in state competition.

25. I would love to have another child one day. Part of me wants to plan for it, but I am not sure it's in God's plan for me at this point in my life.

Old Fashioned Pancakes

jackierenee@cox.net (Jackie) — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 15:47:00 +0000

This recipe is one that I just had to share with you all. It's literally so good that I threw out my Mimi's recipe (the one I have used for years!!!) Shhhh, don't tell anyone. :) These pancakes turn out so fluffy and good, you simply must try them.

1 1/2 cups flour

3 1/2 teaspoons baking powder (yes, you read that right, THREE and ONE HALF TEASPOONS of baking powder!!)

1 teaspoon salt

1 Tablespoon white sugar

1 1/4 cup milk (I use a bit more like 1 1/2 cups, but you can adjust this to your liking)

1 egg

3 Tablespoons real butter, melted (this is the most important part, DO NOT USE MARGARINE!! Use only the real stuff, unsalted)

Mix the dry ingredients in a large bowl. Make a well in the middle of dry ingredients with your spoon. Add the milk, egg, and melted butter to the well in the middle. Mix this until well blended. You may use a stand mixer if you double the recipe

Heat a lightly oiled griddle over medium heat. I use a cast iron skillet or griddle for super yummy crispiness on the outside and fluffy in the middle. Besides, cast iron makes everything taste oh so good!! I have a slight addiction to cast iron and have acquired quite a collection over the years. Six skillets, one dutch oven, two cornbread pans, one griddle....this really needs to have it's very own post. :)

Drop by 1/4 cup fulls onto griddle or skillet. Cook until you see air bubbles popping on the top, then flip. Cook until done on the other side. Serve hot with lots of butter, fresh fruit, whipped cream, syrup...or whatever else you may like on yours.

Enjoy!!! :)

What's for dinner??

jackierenee@cox.net (Jackie) — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 16:39:00 +0000

Sunday Chicken Supper!!! (:

The title says "Sunday", but it needs to read "Anyday". This is the easiest and tastiest way I cook chicken in my crock pot. 15 minute prep, turn it on low, head out the door to work...and 8 hours later dinner is on the table. And, oh it's SO GOOD!!

4 medium carrots, chopped into 2 inch pieces

1 medium onion, cut into 2 inch chunks

5-6 small red potatoes, quartered

1 boiler/fryer chicken, (3-3 and 1/2 pounds) cut up

4-5 bacon strips, cooked crispy and crumbled

1 and 1/2 cups hot water

2 teaspoons chicken bouillon granules

1 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon dried thyme

1/2 teaspoon dried basil

1/2 teaspoon garlic powder

pinch of pepper

Layer the first 5 ingredients in the order listed. In a bowl, mix the water, bouillon and spices. Pour over the top of chicken. Do NOT stir.

Cover and cook on low for 6-8 hours until veggies are tender and chicken juices run clear. Remove chicken, vegetables and serve with green beans and a salad. You may thicken juices for gravy, if you want.

So YUMMY!!! Be prepared to give out the recipe if you serve this to company.

Enjoy. (: (: (:

Father's Day 2010

jackierenee@cox.net (Jackie) — Sat, 19 Jun 2010 14:13:00 +0000

I wrote this last year in memory of my Daddy. And, while it brings me to tears every single time I watch it, I really wanted to re-post it this year. I miss my Daddy every day of every year that goes by. This will be my 14th Father's Day without him.

I cherish these pictures with all of my heart, as they are the only ones I have left of him. For those of you that might wonder, that is my beautiful Mama with him in the blog post. In the video, he is shown with his longtime and very dear friend, Pam Austin.

The very last picture on the video is the last one ever taken of Dad. It was taken only ten days before he died.

I believe it captures best what we all loved about Waymon...his smile.

***Read the blog post and then watch the video at the bottom. Be sure to hit pause on my music player so you can hear the music on the video.***

{original post}

This year makes the 13th year I have spent Father's Day without you.

I miss you every single day of every single year that passes by. I never realized how hard it would be without you. I miss you at times when I least expect it. I have very few pictures left of you and not one of you and Holley together. It stinks.

My memories are all I have left when my children ask questions about you. I tell them all the funny, crazy stuff we did together.

I tell Holley about how scared you were to hold her the day after she was born.

She just laughs.

I remember the educational things you taught me over the years.

I remember the silly little things.

Because of you:

I learned to check and change the oil in my car.

I learned how to change a flat tire.

I developed a serious constant craving for Chick-A-Dilly chicken.

Every time I see a jar of Tostitos cheese dip I think of you.

I learned to judge the mechanics that work on my car.

I also learned to never let them take advantage of me.

All during my childhood I was convinced I had been named after a carburetor.

I learned to appreciate a person that can hunt and kill their own food.

I developed a deep love for hunting later, because of you.

I see you when I see blue Dickies coveralls.

Crown Royal tastes the best when I miss you terribly and need a good, stiff drink...Waymon Holley style.

Everywhere I look I see hooded eyes.

I learned that sausage is best smoked on the grill and served with mustard.

I remember sitting with you on the porch at Pam's holding your hand...silently.

I remember going hunting with you and sharing a can of Vienna Sausages. YUK!!

You always bought me an ICEE, every time we went into the Pit Stop.

I think of you every time I think of Pam. Those bonds are unbreakable.

Pennywise the clown still scares the crap out of me.

My college degree? It's for you.

To this day I think of you when I see a Nissan truck.

And a Rottweiler.

And a Cocker Spaniel.

And a Beagle.

Click on my music player to disable the blog music before you play this video. Thx.

Green Enchiladas

jackierenee@cox.net (Jackie) — Wed, 05 May 2010 21:16:00 +0000

Chicken enchiladas made with sour cream, green chilies, and cheese.

Now, what could be better than that? ^_^

Green Enchiladas

1 lb chicken breast, diced
1 medium onion, chopped
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
8 (8 inch) flour tortillas, softened
1 1/2 cups grated jack or mexican blend cheese, divided
1/4 cup butter
1/4 cup flour
1 (15 ounce) can chicken broth
1 cup sour cream
1 (4 ounce) can chopped green chilies

*In a large frying pan, cook chicken and onion together in oil until chicken is just done.

*Divide cooked chicken evenly between 8 tortillas; add 1 1/2 tablespoons cheese to each tortilla.

*Roll enchiladas and place seam-side down in 9x13 greased baking dish.

*Melt butter in a medium saucepan; stir in flour to make a roux; stir and cook until bubbly; gradually whisk in chicken broth then bring to boiling, stirring frequently. Do not burn or allow to stick.

*Remove from heat; stir in sour cream and green chilies; pour sauce evenly over enchiladas.

*Top with remaining cheese and bake at 400 degrees until hot and bubbly.

I Love My Family.

jackierenee@cox.net (Jackie) — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 15:35:00 +0000

We have plans to have Jason's parents over for dinner this weekend and I can't wait!! I haven't seen my niece and nephew in a few weeks and I am missing them terribly! They have a very special place in my heart. I have no brothers or sisters, and while I loved being an only child growing up, now that both my mother and father have passed away I wish I did. Being an only child also means that I have no natural nieces and nephews. My husband has one sister and she has two of the sweetest kids, ever. They currently live with Jason's parents and probably will be for quite a few years, at least until their mom can get back on her feet. But, in the meantime, I see them quite often and I love them as much as I love my own children. They are so much fun to hang out with!!!Oh, and I LOVE my mother and father in law, too....very, very much. My mother-in-law is more than that to me...she is my Mom. :)

On to the fun stuff....

My sweet husband plans to grill burgers Saturday after he gets off from work. We are having my favorite hamburgers, hot dogs, chips, baked beans and all the yummy stuff to go with!! You know, pickles, fresh tomatoes, onions, dip, etc etc. For dessert: Lemonade icebox pie and chocolate cream cheese pie!!! YUM!!!

I thought I would share my recipes with you, so here goes:

Jack Daniel's BBQ Burgers

2 pounds very lean ground beef
salt to taste
pepper to taste
garlic powder to taste
1 Tbsp. minced onion
1/2 cup Jack Daniel's Original No. 7 Recipe barbecue sauce

Mixed all of the above in a large bowl, form patties, and allow to rest for about 20 minutes.
{I leave mine on a cookie sheet covered under loose foil}

Grill until done on charcoal grill. Use flavored wood chips to achieve the very best flavor.
{Jason uses this, it's very cheap and burns long and hot}

My Mama's Baked Beans

2 (15 ounce) cans baked beans with pork

1/2 cup packed brown sugar

1/2 onion, chopped

1/2 cup ketchup

1 Tbsp. mustard

1 tsp. Worcestershire sauce

salt and pepper to taste

2 slices bacon

*Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

*In a greased 9x9 inch baking dish, combine the pork and beans, brown sugar, onion, ketchup, mustard, Worcestershire sauce and season with salt and pepper to taste. Top with the bacon slices.

*Bake at 350 degrees for 1 hour until sauce is thick and bacon is done.

Lemonade Icebox Pie

1 (6 ounce) can of frozen lemonade, thawed
1 (8 ounce) container of Cool Whip, thawed
1 (14 ounce) can of Eagle Brand, sweetened condensed milk
1 (9 inch) prepared graham cracker crust

*In a large bowl, mix the lemonade and sweetened condensed milk. MIX WELL!!!

*Fold in the Cool Whip.

*Pour into the crust and place in the freezer until set firm. {I leave mine in overnight}

*Allow to thaw about 10-15 minutes before slicing. YUMMY, cool, and refreshing!

Chocolate Cream Cheese Pie

4 ounces cream cheese, softened
2 Tbsp. white sugar
1 Tbsp. milk
1 (8 ounce) container Cool Whip, thawed
2 (3.9 ounce) packages Jello brand chocolate pudding
2 cups milk
1 (9 inch) prepared Oreo cookie crust

*In a large bowl, mix cream cheese, sugar and tablespoon of milk. Beat until smooth and creamy.

*Fold in 1/2 of the Cool Whip. Spread on the bottom of the crust.

* In another large bowl, combine the chocolate pudding with the 2 cups of milk. Beat with a wire whisk until mixed well. (It will be very thick)

*Spread over cream cheese layer.

*Refrigerate until set firm.

*Before serving, top with the remaining Cool Whip.

***Sit down with your kids to lick the spoons and bowls together!!!!*** FUN!

I hope you enjoy these recipes. They are some of my family's favorites for summertime. We are just getting an early start this year!!! (:

The Very Best Pork Chops

jackierenee@cox.net (Jackie) — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 18:25:00 +0000

I recently made these for my family and it was a huge hit!!! Now, it is a favorite around our house and is definitely my new favorite way to fix pork chops.

The Very Best Pork Chops

3 eggs, lightly beaten
3 tablespoons milk
1 1/2 cups Italian seasoned bread crumbs
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
2 tablespoons dried parsley
2 tablespoons olive oil
4 cloves garlic, peeled and chopped
6 boneless pork chops {I use thin, breakfast cut chops, but you can use any cut boneless chop}

* Preheat oven to 325 degrees.

* Beat together the eggs and milk. In a separate bowl, mix the bread crumbs, Parmesan cheese, and parsley.

* Heat the olive oil in a large, oven-proof skillet {I use my big iron skillet} over medium heat. Stir in the garlic, and cook until lightly browned {be careful to not burn!!!}. Remove garlic, reserving for other uses.

* Dip each pork chop into the egg mixture, then into the bread crumb mixture, coating evenly. Place coated pork chops in the skillet, and brown about 5 minutes on each side.

* Place the skillet and pork chops in the preheated oven, and cook 15-25 minutes, or to an internal temperature of 160 degrees. {the amount of cooking time will vary according to how thick your pork chops are}

These are the best pork chops, ever!! And, if you want, these can easily be baked in a large casserole dish at 325 degrees until juices run clear and they have an internal temperature of 160 degrees. They are excellent either way.

Enjoy!!!

Chicken Tortilla Soup

jackierenee@cox.net (Jackie) — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 13:08:00 +0000

This recipe comes from my AllRecipes cookbook. It was a Christmas gift the first year we were married from Jason's cousin, Julie. It has tried and true recipes of all kinds and is a great addition to my already overflowing cookbook rack. Get one for yourself.....I promise you won't regret it!!! I use mine all the time!! (:

Chicken Tortilla Soup

1 onion, chopped
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 tablespoon olive oil
2 teaspoons chili powder (more or less, depending on your tastes)
1 teaspoon dried oregano, optional
1/2 to 1 tsp. cumin
1 (28 ounce) can crushed tomatoes
1 (10.5 ounce) can condensed chicken
broth
1 1/4 cups water
1 cup whole corn kernels, cooked
1 cup white hominy
1 (4 ounce) can chopped green chile
peppers
1 (15 ounce) can black beans, rinsed and
drained
1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro
2 boneless chicken breast halves,cooked and cut into bite-sized pieces
crushed tortilla chips (I make my own by baking corn tortillas strips in the oven)
sliced avocado
shredded Monterey Jack cheese
chopped green onions

* In a medium stock pot, heat oil over medium heat. Saute onion and garlic in oil until soft. Stir in chili powder, oregano, cumin, tomatoes, broth, and water. Bring to a boil, and simmer for 5 to 10 minutes.

* Stir in corn, hominy, chiles, beans, cilantro, and chicken. Simmer for 10 minutes.

* Ladle soup into individual serving bowls, and top with crushed tortilla chips, avocado slices, cheese, and chopped green onion.

***Variation: You can also use one can of Ro-Tel and one can of diced tomatoes in place of the crushed tomatoes and separate can of green chiles. You can omit the oregano (I don't like it!!!) and add 1/2 to 1 tsp. cumin instead. Tomato paste can be added if you like a heavy tomato-based soup. This is also fantastic served with fresh lime squeezed on top.

Play with the spices/ingredients and see what tastes best to you. This recipe is very versatile and forgiving.

Enjoy!!!!

Baked Chicken Parmesan

jackierenee@cox.net (Jackie) — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 18:51:00 +0000

We eat a lot of chicken in our house, and I am constantly on the look out for quick and easy ways to fix it. I got this recipe from a cookbook I bought while attending Skyline Baptist Church in Branson, Missouri. It is a big hit with my kids and very easy to make.

6 boneless chicken breast halves, pounded and skin removed
3 Tbsp. butter
salt to taste
pepper to taste
garlic powder to taste (I use alot!!!!)
1 cup seasoned bread crumbs
1/2 cup or more Parmesan cheese (depends on your taste)

Melt butter in casserole in which chicken is to be baked. Combine bread crumbs and cheese in a shallow bowl (I use a pie plate). Season chicken with salt, pepper and garlic powder. Rub seasoning lightly on both sides of chicken. Dip breast in butter and coat with crumb mixture on both sides. Replace in the buttered casserole. Bake 25 to 35 minutes at 350 degrees or until juices run clear and chicken is done.

You can also vary this recipe by adding spaghetti sauce and mozzarella cheese. Simply follow the above recipe. Heat one large jar of spaghetti sauce (any flavor is fine) in a pot. After the chicken is cooked thoroughly, pour 1/4 cup of spaghetti sauce on each chicken breast and top with a handful of the cheese. Broil until cheese is hot and bubbly. Serve the chicken with hot spaghetti noodles, the remaining sauce, crusty french bread and a green salad.

Mmmmm Mmmmmm Good. (:

My Mimi's Chicken Spaghetti

jackierenee@cox.net (Jackie) — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 15:28:00 +0000

I used to make this dish quite often, as it is a favorite of my husband and children. Now, I make it only when they ask for it specifically. It is very good and is my Mimi Holley's recipe. She called it King's Chicken Spaghetti after her maiden name, King. She used to make this dish and it would make the entire house smell of baked chicken and cheesey ooey-gooey goodness. I love it and plan to make it for my family tonight. Try it out, if you like. But, be warned, it is full of fat and calories. (But, who's counting, right!?!?)

4 large chicken breasts
1 minced garlic clove
2 Tbsp. of real butter
1 small onion
1 small green pepper
1 can cream of chicken soup
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1/4 cup of milk
1 pound Velveeta cheese
1 pound box of spaghetti noodles
1 small jar of pimentos-drained (optional)
1 small jar of mushrooms (optional)

After cooking the chicken breasts, cut the meat into bite-size portions. Chop the onion and green pepper and saute them in two tablespoons of butter. Add the garlic last and cook until vegetables are tender. Combine the soups, milk, the cheese and the sauteed peppers and onions in a heavy pot. Keep over low heat until the cheese has melted. Add the cooked chicken, the mushrooms and the pimentos. Cook 3/4 of the 1 pound box of spaghetti. Mix the chicken mixture with the noodles. Bake at 350 degrees until hot and bubbly.

I usually serve this with a tossed salad and green beans.

Enjoy!!!

Different, yet the same.

jackierenee@cox.net (Jackie) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 04:27:00 +0000

I am taking a Family Science class this semester and I am required to take counseling sessions for a grade. In my session today my therapist shared a few things with me.

The first thing she shared was that she sees traits in me that I only have because of the experiences I have had in my life. She said I have unique insight and compassion because of the things God has brought me to and through. She feels that I am going to make a fantastic counselor one day. Well, I was both shocked and flattered that she felt this way. She also said she feels encouraged by my life story and hearing me talk about how far God has brought me. It was so nice to hear her say that I have done a wonderful job in processing my feelings about what God is doing in my life. I told her that I felt inadequate and uncertain about what I am called to do. I told her I thought Satan was not out necessarily to keep me from God, but to keep me from helping other hurting people. She told me to hang on, to be confident that God began a good work in me and that He will carry it on to completion. To just KEEP WALKING IN HIM, one step at a time. Just like I had to depend on God when I was dealing with those deep, dark places in my life, I have to depend on Him to light each step when times are good, too. God will not leave me and He will not lead me astray, He will guide me to the exact place He intends for me to be.

I was encouraged, and this evening I feel very strongly about the other thing we talked about...

My therapist and I also talked extensively about my plans to have another tattoo done on my foot. Now, I won't share all the details of this tattoo....you have to wait for the pictures. But, I will tell you it has a butterfly in the design. She asked me if I knew that a caterpillar and a butterfly have the same DNA. (Huh? What? I did not know that!!) Yes, it seems that it is true. Their DNA is the same....exactly. The caterpillar goes through metamorphosis and when this happens, certain genetic codes are "turned on" to allow growth and change to take place. Before the caterpillar becomes a butterfly, it's DNA becomes a kind of DNA soup. It loses it's structure entirely and has to hang on believing that something good can come of the mess it is in. That poor caterpillar just sits there waiting on something beautiful to happen. After metamorphosis is complete and the butterfly is fully formed, it still has the same DNA as when it began life. The only difference is that the butterfly is now "grown up" into a beautiful creature.

Made me think about how God has grown me over the years. Made me think about all the things I have "survived" over the years. And...it made me think about how that little butterfly on my foot will be a permanent stamp of the changes I have gone through.

That butterfly on my foot is the symbol of my testimony. My heart. My life story.

Easy Chicken Pot Pie

jackierenee@cox.net (Jackie) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 22:59:00 +0000

2 cups cooked, cubed chicken breast
1 lb. bag Bird's Eye Classic Mixed Vegetables
2 medium potatoes, washed and cubed into bite size pieces
1/4 cup chopped onion
2 cans of ten count buttermilk biscuits (I usually get the Pillsbury four pack and then have two cans leftover)
one can Cream of Mushroom soup
one can Cream of Chicken soup
1/2 cup chicken broth
1/2 cup milk
garlic to taste
salt to taste
pepper to taste
dash of basil-optional
couple pinches of thyme-optional

Boil chicken (reserve 1/4 cup of broth), allow to cool, and then cube into pieces.
Grease a 9x13 baking dish and pour in bag of frozen vegetables.
Wash, peel, and chop potatoes. Put them on top of the veggies.
Add the chopped onion on top of this.
At this point I usually put my salt, pepper, garlic, basil, and thyme on top of everything in the pan.
Add cubed chicken on top.

(You should have the following order: Veggies, potatoes, onion, spices, and chicken in the pan)

Last, mix the cans of soup with 1/2 cup of milk and 1/4 cup of chicken broth. It will be pretty soupy. Pour this mixture over the chicken and veggies in the pan. Use the back of a spoon to distribute evenly.

Cover with foil and bake at 375 for 30-45 minutes. The cooking time depends on how long it takes the potatoes to cook. I usually pull the pan out of the oven and check the potatoes with a fork.

When the potatoes are fork tender add the two cans of biscuits on top. You should be able to fit all 20 biscuits in top.

Leave off the foil and put the pan back in oven. Bake another 10-15 minutes until the biscuits are golden brown on top.

***I made this recipe up one night just going along and adding things together. When my kids asked for it again a couple of weeks later, I had forgotten how I made it!! Five years later, it is now a favorite. My children and husband beg for this dish all the time. They absolutely love it.***

This recipe will feed a hungry crowd of kids.

Remembering my Mama

jackierenee@cox.net (Jackie) — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 05:01:00 +0000

Mama,
Today makes 16 years you've been gone. I miss you today just as much as I did back then. I'd give anything to hug you just one more time. I think the words of this song sum up my feelings really well. I miss you like crazy and I can't wait until I see you again.

***Scroll down and stop the music in the music player before starting this video.

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Dear Daddy...

jackierenee@cox.net (Jackie) — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 02:47:00 +0000