What you do matters, but you should still look good while doing it.

2012-02-08T00:43:00.000-08:00

The grass is greener... How the hell do you live a life in Sweden? It's been 7 months since I moved back and I still haven't settled. I'm not 100% sure yet but it looks like I will be moving back to Californa this fall. It's scary this time, because I don't see myself returning. Still..life has taken me there. Somethings are just meant to be. Or are they?

REINVENT YOURSELF

2012-01-30T04:33:00.000-08:00

Chaos ! I don't let it affect me anymore. I feel like I'm headed somewhere good. Without bringing shit from the past. What a relief!

I got a piece on the similarities between kids and sociopaths. stay tuned.

Beautiful Topanga

2012-01-15T11:05:00.001-08:00

"I miss him. All the time I miss him. It's not waves, It's constant. All the time."

2011-12-22T08:19:00.000-08:00

I feel like I need to write today. I just can't find any words that make sense. At all. I can feel the words inside me, but I don't know what they mean or how to let them out. If I had a bottle of wine at home I would drink it, as it triggers the outflow.

I'll try smoking a cig.

hoho

2011-12-22T04:52:00.001-08:00

christmas is almost here. I'm getting drunk every night and I'm playing WoW all day. The brain is now officially shut off. I. do. not. give. a. fuck. anymore! HALLELULJA

LA

2011-12-20T02:29:00.000-08:00

Last week, what happened? I went on a few dates and realized that I'm not open to meet new people.

First of all, the people I meet bore me to death. But the thing is that I don't know what gets me interested anymore. This means that the problem is me, and not them. Second, I know I'm seeing all these guys just to get rid of that one man, who is constantly haunting my thoughts. I also know, from experience, that it just doesn't work that way. He will stay in my head as long as I allow him to.

I gave it a last shot yesterday. Sent him a neutral text and asked him if he wanted to grab a beer. No answer. My filthy heart broke a little again. I'm such a pussy. I don't know why I can't learn to shut my feelings off, like he does. I envy him.

I know that it's time to let go, delete all the messages, the phone number and all things that reminds me of him. The reason why it is so hard is because I never look back when it's done. I leave the past in the past. I don't want to give it time and see what happens, I want to be able to say that I'm never coming back, no matter how much he begs me. That is harder than rocketscience or fucking tantra. And it takes hella time.

Now, I feel like praying, that he will never contact me again or that he would say something really nasty, so I could dismiss him like all the other assholes.

I got my ticket to LA. Leaving in 7 days. Hopefully the California sun and my awesome friends will help me to find peace of mind. After 3 weeks I return to my new life in Stockholm. Without him. Can't wait.

pictures

2011-12-12T12:45:00.000-08:00

I post a picture of myself. One of those that captures me in my best angle. He likes it, and now, everything else is forgiven. I no longer have flaws. Whatever I say, he agrees with me. I'm special, he says. Not like the rest of the girls. My words. His truth. He really wants to....

2011-12-11T05:00:00.001-08:00

People look at me like I'm a stranger here. I notice how they feel uncomfortable when I speak my mind. It wasn't until a couple of years ago that I beacme brutally honest with my self and my feelings. Before that, my feelings, and my life was always tuned in to average. I never felt really sad but at the same time, I never felt ridiciously happy. When I took my first steps in to the real world of endless emotions, I experienced excruciating mental pain for the first time, but also intense feelings of happiness and joy without condition.

When they look at me today I wonder if they respected me more when I had "integrity". I'm like an open book, like one of those sleezy books that old ladies read. Filled with juicy drama, storms of passion and frustration.

I realise that I'm different from them beacause I left. I was a ghost. I returned. I changed, but they stayed the same.

2011-12-11T03:54:00.000-08:00

Oh dead the romance. Piece by piece the chunk of meat began to rot. Starting from the apex to the very bottom. Silence. The most obscure sound.

The sound of a heart breaking. Some people call it a sickness, to which there is no cure.

Life is fucking beautiful.

December 11 07.52

2011-12-10T22:52:00.000-08:00

I'm waiting for the light. Mom says it's dangerous to walk in the woods while it's dark. Seems like I'll be waiting for a long time.

I watched the nobel prize banquet last night and ate massive amounts of food. I cried all night. Out of happiness off course. I didn't realise how much people love Thomas Tranströmer until he was awarded with the Nobel prize in literature. I'm so proud and happy that I've had the chance to meet him and his wonderful wife, as they live on the floor below me. For those of you who haven't read any of his poems..get on it.

"The airy sky has taken its place leaning against the wall.
It is like a prayer to what is empty.
And what is empty turns its face to us
and whispers:
'I am not empty, I am open."

2011-12-10T03:39:00.000-08:00

Do you guys remember the metaphor of the penis as a weapon of friendship-massdestruction?

I have proof of it.

I know for a fact that a guy who doesn't give a shit about anyone except himself, who pretends to be clueless about your feelings, even though he knows how you desperatley have been trying to hide your feelings for months, a guy who doesn't give a fucking shit about spreading STDs to all the girls he fucks, is more important than a friend of ten years.

How do I know? Beacuse I fucked a guy like that. I have also been that girl who pretended to be just friends until my heart broke when someone I knew fucked him.. I can't judge. I won't judge. It is the reality of things. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and be brutally honest with ourselves.

My fav gay Oscar Wilde said it: "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary"

As for now I say "Never love anyone who treats you like SHIT"

puss puss

2011-12-10T03:26:00.001-08:00

Translation:

Sucking dick is yummy

Fucking swedish whores in the ass

I saw this at one of the restrooms at Karolinska Institutet in Stockholm. This is where they educate some of our future doctors. I am thrilled to see that at least one of them has a sense of humor.

2011-12-08T00:15:00.000-08:00

I'm at my mom's. I'm 12 years old and I'm heartbroken. Drugs and alcohol don't work no more. Gotta suck these saggy balls of rejection. This too shall pass.

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY here I come.

This song makes me happy

2011-12-07T01:49:00.000-08:00

I'm starting my new happy life with posting this song. The Video is f*cking stupid though.

2011-12-07T01:35:00.000-08:00

Ok. I'm not surprised that I feel this way. I should have realized it a long time ago. I know that I'm turning in to a whitetrash motherfucker. I want to date a personal trainer at my gym. I feel ashamed but i can't help getting fucking turned on by his shoulders and back. I don't know if he's smart enough to talk, but he grunts in a sexy way;)

What the hell happend with the sexy brain? Honestly, I don't want to care about that anymore. Being deep and constantly contemplating on EVERYTHING has caused me nothing but pain (too much insight). I seriously don't feel like being that person anymore.
From now on I'm taking a break from Tolstoy, neuroscience and misanthropy. I need to be happy. I'm not going to turn in to a cracksmoking barbie but I need to make my life more simple than it has been the past year.

PENIS

My Buddy on flaking cunts

2011-11-13T11:39:00.000-08:00

"Just woke up with a fever. That I am a bit burnt out.****, I need to rest. Would it be ok if we do this sometime early next week? If not I understand, I just think my body is run down"

Translation: "Just did the walk of shame after being banged by a huge Mexican cock. Can barely walk and there's blood coming out my ass. Wouldn't want to be seen this way by a bunch of masturbating lepers. Hope you except my lame excuse. Asshole"

women

2011-11-11T04:54:00.000-08:00

many women pick penis over friendship. I wonder if men knows what a powerful weapon of friendship massdestruction they are in possession of.

There is something inside you..

2011-11-09T10:13:00.001-08:00

I'm giving you a night call, to tell you how I feel
I want to drive you through the night, down the hills
I'm gonna tell you something you don't want to hear
I'm gonna show you where it's dark, but have no fear

2011-11-07T08:53:00.000-08:00

I have built a castle out of air. It was huge and beautiful. 3 weeks ago it began to collapse. Now it's really really small but every time I think about him I add a new block to it. I wonder when I will be able to destroy it..set it on fire and walk away without looking back.

fucking penis.

2011-10-31T05:28:00.000-07:00

I would like to thank the guys out there for posting comments that are not all pink and peachy. I like to be challenged and I know that I'm a fuckup like the rest of the world. I will always write and speak my mind and I value my rights to have an opinion highly. Please continue with constructive criticism! It is fun to hear guys perspective on the matters I write about. BUT If you want to talk shit and be nasty..leave my friends out of it, and criticize my flaws only.

Penis!

2011-10-31T04:47:00.000-07:00

The first love I got introduced to was pure and predictable. My parents never played games with me. I looked at them with my bright blue eyes and they automatically told me that they loved me, unconditonnally,( even after I took a shit in their bed and peed on the carpet). They fooled me that love was something I could take for granted. They fucked up my perception of everything man. The love I know now is nothing like that. It is pain and penis, hand in hand. Fuck you!

Being a woman. A real one that is.

2011-09-29T06:47:00.000-07:00

Blame society. Everything is society's fault. We live in a world where our definition of beauty and ideals are pretty messed up. The freaks of nature (victoria's secret models) have made the ideal woman into a 6,2, 110 pound Alien. They are beautiful but only about 0.01 % of the female population win the grand prize in the genetic lottery (I know, this pretty much sucks ass when you think about it). The rest of us will get laid anyways of course and live happy lives anyways, but too much valuable time is spent on worrying about a massive ass or flabby arms.
I took a class in Abnormal Psych a while ago and my Professor told me that studies have shown that women believe that men want them to be skinner than they actually prefer them to be in real life. All those fucking hours on the treadmill are worthless and they are better spent masturbating or eating your favourite snack. I'm no different than the average woman. I get pissed too when I realize that I can't drink a couple of beers every day and keep my sixpack. On the other hand, I know that some fat women try to boost one another and tell themselves that being fat is sexy. Being fat is what women are supposed to be. I don't agree. That mentality is fatal. Like everything else, it's a balance. I'm pro healthy. Pro nutrious food and a reasonable amount of excersise in your everyday life.

Before I turned in to a wise woman I thought the key behind romantic/sexual/whatever success was a tight ass and skinny legs (who the fuck cares about personality?). All my blood, sweat and tears at the gym eventually proved me wrong. I dated a dude for a while who moved out of state. I really liked him and all that, but long-distance wasn't an option. I visited him and he flew down to see me sporadically. Kind of like a friend with benefits situation (even though this "benefit" wasn't so good).
I remember this one time when we hadn't seen each other for a while and he called me to let me know he was visiting 6 weeks later. From that minute I went to the gym and pushed myself harder than ever. I thought about my sweaty, fit body on top of his every time i felt like giving up. Sex is a strong motivator in life, huh? Those six weeks were hard. Gym and salad. Gym and salad. No beer, no pirate's booty. NO FUN. Finally, the day came when it was time to get value for my hard work . I picked up a new bikini and went over to his place. We decided to go in the jacuzzi and I felt confident, my ass was finer than a motherfucker. BUT. The praisal never came. Instead, we talked about Philosophy and biochemistry and my body (by then looked like a sexmachine) had no place in that discussion. FAIL.
I was pissed and terribly hungry. The epiphany came when we were cuddling infront of the TV. He stroked my thigh and said; what has happened to you? Where did all the fine meat go? Are you sick?. The memory of my miserable past six weeks left a bitter taste in my mouth. All the food orgies I had passed on, all the booze. All the fun I had missed. From that moment on I stopped being anal about my body and embraced my soft butt and my little pouting beerbelly.

Lesson learnt: Eat, work out, have fun, don't overdo things. Feel good about yourself. You will get laid anyways. <3

Update on Swedish men in general.

2011-09-21T05:20:00.000-07:00

First of all. I'm not in LA anymore so I'm working on a new concept for this blog. I haven't really felt motivated to do anything since fall arrived in Sweden. Just keep checking in! I'm still here.

Relocating to Stockholm has been somewhat of an ego-sucide. My ballz went from 500 pounds to 45 in just 2 months. Why is this? I know I mentioned this before, but Swedish men really differ significantly from Americans when it comes to seduction-techniques and compliment giving. If you're lucky, you get hit on by a 600-pound drunk neanderthal at 4 am in the morning. By then you're already drowning in cheap beer and 3 cl crack-shots. If a guy is nice yo you he is most likley gay and looking for a new fag-hag. I wonder if Swedish guys (straight ones, if they even exist?) know how many painfully horny women who walks home alone through the cold night? They are probably willing to take it up the ass, give divine rimjobs and all that other nasty stuff that guys like;)

I have a hot friend. I mean really hot, with the most amazing booty in the northern hemisphere. She told me about an incident at one of Stockholms better night clubs. She walked up to a plain-looking guy, and asked him for a cigarette. He glanced at her and then turned his back towards her. She walked away off course, but later reapproached the motherfucker and asked him if she had insulted him in anyway. He muttred somthing in assholian before he turned his back again. I don't know if his panties were too tight or if he just hates women in general, but I'm completely shocked how rude one can be to a stranger, especially a lady.

So the conclusion is that all Swedish women should go lesbian and refuse to share our heavenly vaginas with men until they learn a thing or two about how to deal with women.

my corner

2011-08-03T09:39:00.000-07:00

I'm really good at doing nothing. I'm also very good at looking horny while doing nothing.

This is my 13th day of drinking. Janis Joplin's voice sounds like birdsong compared to mine. I feel sexy.

2011-08-02T01:40:00.000-07:00

still looking for that one reason not to go..