What the Thunder Said

Gray

noreply@blogger.com (**MML**) — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 18:30:00 +0000

Winter is sneaking up on me. I can feel it already in the dark mornings and cloudy skies. I love fall. I love the crackle of the fallen leaves under my feet. I love the way the trees look when they are naked and exposed. I love the smell of wood burning in the fireplace. But, I'm beginning to admit that the shorter days of fall are hard on me. I've begun to equate summer and warmth with my happiness and winter's cold with my own darkness.

I've never been officially diagnosed with depression but I see it in myself. I am following in the footsteps of my mother and my grandmother and my great-grandmother. Women who get anxious and restless and tired of life. Women who carry on anyway.

It's easy to give advice...go outside, get moving, find friends, do stuff. I tell myself those things every day but I can't MAKE myself listen. There is only the weight of responsibility bearing down on me. Making me go through the motions. Making me wanting to scream with frustration or cry or disappear. My mom has recently been talking about leaving without warning for awhile. Taking off and going away without a word. She only told me so I don't worry. What I didn't say to her was that I'm jealous that she has that option.

The funny thing is that my life is good. I have a family that is better than anything I could have ever dreamed of. My husband has a job that allows me to stay home with the kids. We have a warm home with food on the table. We laugh a lot. We are content. There is nothing more to ask for.

So, how do you say you're depressed? How do you explain this darkness to someone who doesn't even know if he believes that depression is a real thing? I've decided you don't. You just push through and hope it goes away. And it will. For me. At least for a little while...once summer comes back around.

Flashback

noreply@blogger.com (**MML**) — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 17:04:00 +0000

The radio today was full of songs from the summer I started this blog. That crazy summer when I didn't sleep and my thoughts came in haiku form. When every word was a reason to keep my eyes open just a little bit longer. When I worried about loneliness but found friendship instead. It was a strange summer when exhilaration coursed through my blood at random hours. Those songs I heard today, those pop anthems of that last summer in my old home, they made me nostalgic for a time that I'll never get back and a place that I may never find again. Do I miss those few months? Hmmm. Sometimes. Especially when it's hot outside and I can't relax. When I'm itchy and restless I think about those long, smiling nights. But, mostly, here (and now) is where I want to be.

Fine

noreply@blogger.com (**MML**) — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 19:56:00 +0000

So I might just be the dumbest human in the world. Or the worst wisher, perhaps.

I finally fulfilled one of last year's New Year's Resolutions. I promised that I'd go get an annual physical. Something I hadn't done since I was 18. I rarely get sick and longevity runs in my family so I just hadn't made it a point to get things like my cholesterol and blood pressure checked. I knew I should but...eh...I can procrastinate like nobody's business.

This year I actually had a financial incentive to get it done. J's company offers a good chunk of money if you get a physical and all "age-appropriate" tests done. So, look at me go! I made my appointment and went to the doctor. 9 months before the last minute! I'm pretty sure this is an anti-procrastinating record for me. One of my concerns (and big pushes to go ahead and make the appointment) was my constant fatigue. I am tired all the damn time. When I take a nap and don't set the alarm, it's not unusual for me to sleep for 3 or 4 hours and wake up barely feeling better than I did before I laid down. I cancel plans because I'm too tired. I don't get as much done as I should because I can't shake the yawns and sleepy eyes and the call of the bed. This has been going on way too long. I constantly feel guilty because I want to sleep.

And so I went to my appointment with my new doctor. I instantly liked her. She was attentive and spent a huge amount of time with me. She gave me the standard exam and then we started talking about my fatigue. She asked about my sleep habits and my state of mind. We talked about family history in case that offered any clues. And, finally, she ordered a bunch of tests.

I know it's silly but I was so anxious for all that blood work. I just knew they'd find the answer and then I could fix the problem. My blood pressure? Fantastic. My cholesterol? Excellent. Blood sugar? Good. Thyroid? Good. Iron levels? Normal. Liver function? Yep. Good. And on and on and on. Test after test and everything is great. She even tested me for early signs of lupus (because my grandmother has it). I got those results today and, again, everything is fine.

I'm perfectly healthy, apparently. And, I'm grateful for that. I really, really am. Please don't think I'm wishing for bad health. I just want to know why I feel so tired all the time. I honestly couldn't tell you a time when I felt good. When I felt like I had energy. Surely, this isn't normal? My hair has become crazy thin and I'm tired and all my tests are good. I guess this is just the point where I suck it up and live with being "fine." Being healthy but feeling unhealthy.

How dumb am I to be bummed by weeks of testing showing that everything looks great? Sounds like I need to take a little time to really sit back and count my blessings. After all, I know that being careful what you wish for is a very important lesson and I may have lucked out this time.

Again and Again and Again

noreply@blogger.com (**MML**) — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 21:31:00 +0000

So, yes, I'm doing the same old song and dance again and trying to be healthier. I swear I have the best of intentions but, geez, my follow through SUCKS!

But I'm trying again. Again. I started tracking my calories this week and, once more, I'm shocked by how little I eat. It seems that I should be much thinner because of this but apparently I don't starve myself enough to be "starving" but I don't eat enough calories to give me the energy I need. My metabolism is obviously paying the price. Strangely, unlike normal people that have to try to cut back on eating, I'm finding myself looking at 300 calories to still "spend" after dinner every night. This seems like a good problem to have because I like food!! The goal, of course, is to eat healthy things. I'm finding that I need more protein...it's been very, very hard for me to reach the minimum for my weight and activity level (umm...high and low, respectively). So, I'm going to track and think and try this eating right thing again. Maybe this time I'll see the scale move. Maybe I'll discover some energy. Maybe I'll just be better.

I've also discovered that my months and months of neck pain need to be looked into. (Duh). I was hoping that maybe exercise would stretch me out, loosen me up, and fix it. But now, instead of the pain just causing lots of headaches, it's decided to radiate into my back and shoulder and jaw and down my arm. Awesome! See, People, this is why exercise is bad. (And for the record, I am starting out slowly. There is no way I overdid it. My neck just hates me, that's all). And, yes, I do accept free massages. Thanks for asking. Please come soon!

Anyway, it's the same old story on a new day in a new month in a new year. We'll see what happens. Maybe I'll finally discover that willpower I've been looking for...

It's An Earworm...Without The Music

noreply@blogger.com (**MML**) — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 01:37:00 +0000

Lately I can't stop thinking about traveling. I guess it's because we got back from vacation 2 months ago and I'm ready to go again. I love planning trips. I love dreaming about trips. And, boy, do I love going on trips.

We decided a couple years ago that we'd try to alternate domestic and international vacations and I love thinking about where we'll go next. (I should mention that we're gonna have 2 domestic trips in a row this time because 2010's Disney trip was expensive!! But I love the Mouse so he's forgiven...)

So, for a couple of weeks now I've been planning and list making and budgeting. This year's fall trip is figured out and will be paid for next month. And you know what that means? It means that I have to start planning for the next year's trip and the one after that and the one after that. Because I just like dreaming about it so darn much!! Don't get me wrong, I love the day-to-day moments with my family. I don't live my life too far in the future. But a girl's gotta dream and this is what I dream about.

And if I've maybe already planned our vacations now through 2014...well, so what? I'm a freak. A happy, list-making freak :)

(and in my defense, the 2014 trip is still open for debate...)

Ignoring the Voice In My Head

noreply@blogger.com (**MML**) — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 12:44:00 +0000

I woke up this morning with thoughts of editing already in my head. It's a little early in the game to be thinking this way. There's no way I've grown past making a fool of myself. So, for now, I'll just type spontaneously and forget to look back...

Resolutions

noreply@blogger.com (**MML**) — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 00:25:00 +0000

Or maybe I should call it accountability. I'm not a big believer in New Year's Resolutions. I mean, I like resolving to do things. I just don't think it's necessary to wait until January 1st to do it.

And now I'm completely distracted by my dog, who has apparently gotten a piece of gum from somewhere. I'm not sure whether to wrestle it away from her or to just sit and be entertained.

And now the phone is ringing. How can I resolve anything with all this going on?

OK, so where was I? Oh, right, resolutions. I don't usually do them but I'm thinking maybe I should. I mean, I need to do all the regular things: exercise more, eat less, find more happiness in everyday moments, and work on getting our finances in better order (i.e. - save more, spend less). But, there are other things I need to work on, too. We are getting ready to start our home improvement projects. Which means I have lots to learn. And I can't wait! I also need to make more time for friends. I need to play more with my kids. I need to go to the doctor. I need to start a vegetable garden. There are a million billion things I want to do or need to do. So, I guess I'll think about it and consider making a short list of goals for the year. I'll have to get back to you on this...

Dear Vodka,

noreply@blogger.com (**MML**) — Sun, 02 Jan 2011 19:35:00 +0000

Oh, you make me say things that shouldn't be said. You convince me to share secrets that are better left tucked away. You make me forget myself or at least who I'm supposed to be.

But, you know what? Sometimes there is a strange sort of freedom and relief in that.

At least that's the story I'm sticking with...for now.

Best Regards,

The MML

P.S. - Thanks for not giving me a headache.

Trying It On For Size...Again

noreply@blogger.com (**MML**) — Sun, 02 Jan 2011 17:42:00 +0000

Apparently I only blogged one time in 2010. I think I should be rewarded for such amazing lack of motivation! It's not that I didn't want to write but...hmm...I think sometimes you are lucky enough to be surrounded by people that you share everything with, tell anything to, and become your complete self around. When you're that lucky, you don't necessarily have anything left that you NEED to share with the world. But I guess that doesn't mean that I shouldn't blog. Goodness knows, I need to use my brain more. Lately I'm pretty sure it's turning to mush. And, so, here I go. Attempting to blog again, for good or for bad...

Frustration, Slackdom, and Actually Really Trying

noreply@blogger.com (**MML**) — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 00:01:00 +0000

Like everything in my life, after a while I get to the point where I'm just done...just for a little while but in definite need of a break. I realized I was at that point with blogging when people were giving me a hard time when I went more than 2 days between posts. It became more about them and less about me. I just fell off the face of the earth for a little while. I'm still not really ready or interested in resuming that other blog just yet. But, the past few days I've felt the need to vent my frustrations and so I was drawn here. Back to my old comfortable blog, filled with memories and feelings good and bad.

So, while I may have been slacking with blogging I have not been slacking (too much) with my weight loss efforts. And I'm sosososososososo frustrated! I know, I know, I've sang this song and danced this dance before..."I'm gonna get healthy, I'm gonna work out, blahdeeblahblah." But, I've been watching what I eat for awhile now. And over the past couple years I have dropped 20 pounds. First rant? How can someone lose 20 pounds and still wear the same size pants? Seriously? It makes me hate those people that say "I lost 10 pounds and dropped 6 sizes." What? 20 pounds!! Sure, my pants are baggier but they are the same. freaking. size. I hit a plateau around Christmas and have only lost maybe 2 pounds since then. So, yeah, I know I need to exercise. Even though I hate making time for it. But, that's ok. What's 30, 45, or 60 minutes a day? I can spare that. Especially knowing that I absolutely hate the way I look and feel. I can do this. And so I started. Last week I started and I did ok. I exercised 6 out of 7 days. Even on the day that I felt like every single inch of my body hurt I did some sweat inducing yoga...figuring the stretching would help me feel better and I'd at least be doing something. So, I'm eating the same and now I've added weights and cardio to my day. And, yes, I realize it's only been a week but when I stepped on the scale yesterday and again today to find that I'd gained 2 pounds...sigh...it makes me want to give up already.

I realize that this is the time when I really need to dig in but, dammit!, I'm from a generation that loves instant gratification. I don't need to lose 5 pounds that first week but a quarter pound or a half pound would've been nice. What kind of motivation is gaining 2 pounds?? All that pain (4 days of barely being able to walk across the house) for nothing? Grrrr! I want to lose between 15 and 20 more pounds and this is a terrible start. I just want to lose 1 pant size. I want my self-esteem to not be lying on the floor. *Sigh* I'm not giving up yet. After all, it's only been a week. All the grouchiness over this has only made me want to try harder. But, man, next week I better see some results!!

The Best Cliche

noreply@blogger.com (**MML**) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 04:35:00 +0000

Tonight I was a giant, messy, emotional wreck. I won't go into details. Just know it has to do with my childhood and those who were close to me then. I felt shut out of what once was my life and it hurt. (It still hurts, I'm not gonna lie). But, you know what? There are three amazing men out there who love me and hate to see me sad. And I realized sometimes love really is all you need.

Thank you J, P, and R. It doesn't seem so bad when I know you are by my side.

So, Guess What? (An Experiment in Returning to Reality)

noreply@blogger.com (**MML**) — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 03:00:00 +0000

I may have gotten a job. Just a temporary seasonal thing and I'll be up 'til 2 am every night for a few weeks but I have (almost) a job. The paperwork hasn't gone through yet but the offer was made and accepted. It's old hat for me (call center, customer service work) but this time I'll be working from home. I think I'm more nervous about ambient noise interfering than I am about anything else. And I'm not quite sure how to juggle home life. After all, I'll be sleeping some during the day (while the kids are in school) and working during dinner and homework time. But, it's only for 6 weeks and it's new (which is always good) and it's mine. I'm not sure how I feel but I think it's good.

I Hate When I'm Stupid

noreply@blogger.com (**MML**) — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 02:58:00 +0000

Sometimes the worst part about having a one-track mind is that you forget that it shouldn't be that way. I wish I could think of other things at the same time. I never, ever learn!!!

A Continuing Theme

noreply@blogger.com (**MML**) — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 02:32:00 +0000

A friend said to me recently, "No one brags about being content." And it's true. But maybe we should. After all, being happy-happy can't last forever, right? You have to have downs to feel the ups more completely. Content is more long term, isn't it? I've complained about unhappily content since before this blog was born when instead maybe I should be nothing but grateful for such ease of mind. GW, if you still read, what do you think? Are you happy or content or something else? Is content really that bad, after all? I really want to know...

Wonderland

noreply@blogger.com (**MML**) — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 02:08:00 +0000

So I had a really rough morning. I'm not sure why. There's nothing going on that should cause such a morning. In fact, if I'm being honest, everything has been sweet and good. But, it's been rough somehow. I think part of it, part of why I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor sobbing, is because I find myself feeling like these good things are happening to me because no one really knows I'm undeserving of them. I then feel this pressure to live up to what I think these expectations are and I get stressed out and break down. It's ridiculous, of course. If someone loves me then they know who I am, many, many flaws and all. I find myself being wishy-washy and not knowing what to do or who to be or what to think and I cry; too much lately for someone that feels that things are pretty good. I think mostly I'm confused. Confused about lots of things and lots of feelings and, damn, I just wish I didn't live in my head so much!! I'm tired of whining about things when there is nothing left to whine about. So today when one of my Facebook friends posted the quote below as his status it finally hit me. Maybe I just need to pick a path.

Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked. "Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat. "I don't know," Alice answered. "Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter." ~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

This Is Not What I Do

noreply@blogger.com (**MML**) — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 02:04:00 +0000

I don't stress out often or worry about things that haven't happened yet. It's just not my way. But, hmm..., I'm stressing now. I think we've bitten off more than we can chew. It's like eating a peanut butter sandwich with no drink. Hard to swallow.

Still happy, though. Stressed but happy. What do you call that emotion??

It's Been A Long Time

noreply@blogger.com (**MML**) — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 02:23:00 +0000

More happy than content, a fantastic weekend, an amazing husband, and things falling into place. What more could I need? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. What's better than writing bad poetry to celebrate...after all, it's been a long, long time :)

I am not a crier

Or a teller of secrets

And yet...

I do not often speak my mind

Or engage in brutal honesty

And yet...

I am still a wisher

A hoper

A dreamer of ridiculous dreams

And yet...

I find myself filled up, sated, satisfied

To the core of my marrow

And yet...

It is not enough.

I want it spilling from my lips

And dripping from between my fingers

Until I am left naked, shaking, shattered,

My heart bruised and worn,

My head tumbled and confused.

It can never be enough.

And yet, and yet, and yet...

It is everything.

Dear Blog,

noreply@blogger.com (**MML**) — Sun, 24 May 2009 03:50:00 +0000

I've missed you but I have nothing new to say, nothing cryptic, nothing sad, nothing wistful or psuedo deep, not even any bad haiku!! I've thought about deleting you but I'm just not ready to let you go. *Sigh* What to do, what to do? I think I'll keep you around until I figure it out

The MML

Sigh

noreply@blogger.com (**MML**) — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 20:18:00 +0000

Why is making the right decision sometimes the hardest thing to do? And am I such a good actor that no one notices I'm struggling? Apparently so. *Sigh*

Wasting Time

noreply@blogger.com (**MML**) — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 19:50:00 +0000

It's been one of those days. Grey and rainy and windy and cold. Instead of getting things done I'm reading poetry and daydreaming. Shhh...don't tell.

I've always been indifferent to Tennyson. But I liked this stanza from Maud when I read it today.

Half the night I waste in sighs,

Half in dreams I sorrow after

The delight of early skies;

In a wakeful doze I sorrow

For the hand, the lips, the eyes,

For the meeting of the morrow,

The delight of happy laughter,

The delight of low replies.

Random Thought

noreply@blogger.com (**MML**) — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 17:20:00 +0000

Is it weird that I'm considering selling my plasma? I mean, I donated blood every 8 weeks for a long, long time. This is basically the same thing...except it takes 2 hours at a time and they pay me a small amount. Wonder if I'll still get cookies and juice?? What are reasons not to?

Back To Basics

noreply@blogger.com (**MML**) — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 19:17:00 +0000

I'm still finding myself chasing after something and not knowing where to find it or even what it is. It's not what I thought it was and contentment is losing its lustre again. Maybe I need to start back at the beginning, simplify, remind myself what I'm doing and why I'm here. There must be an answer, right? Shouldn't I have this figured out already? 33 1/2 years seems like long enough.

I'm No Superman

noreply@blogger.com (**MML**) — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 01:46:00 +0000

Why is it that lists of random questions always want to know what super power you'd pick if such a thing was really possible? And why is it that people always want to fly? I understand the fascination with flying. There's freedom and joy and convenience packaged up nice and neat. But I've never had that desire. I don't get it. Why flying? Is it because of Superman? Or some primal need to have something that we weren't meant to have?

For as long as I can remember I've wanted to be able to read minds. (Sure, sure, for a while I wanted to have x-ray vision but that's because I was a gutter-mind. Even in elementary school). Maybe it's because I'm terrible at reading people. I can never trust my instincts when it comes to knowing what people are really thinking. I doubt sincerity. I'm unsure about intentions. I misread situations and I put my own feelings onto other people. How amazing would it be to just know what someone means? To know what someone is feeling? I realize it's part of being human to hide our thoughts, to conceal our emotions, to lie, to do what it takes to get what we want. But I want truth. I want to know what runs through someone else's head. Sure, it's an easy way fix. And, of course, it would cause more problems than it solves. And, yes, I realize that the novelty would wear off quickly. (And I'd certainly never want someone to read my mind! It's bad enough my face is so easy to read). But, I have no interest in Superman. I don't want to fly. I only want to know people better; the deep down truth that is in each of us. For now, until someone comes along and offers me the super power of my choice, I'll just continue happily misreading situations, over analyzing conversations, and enjoying figuring it out on my own. It's part of my charm, ya know :)

Just Because It's Wednesday

noreply@blogger.com (**MML**) — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 13:47:00 +0000

A little pop-folk/pop culture mix by Kay Pettigrew. I think I like her version better...sorry, Will Smith

The Link

noreply@blogger.com (**MML**) — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 18:55:00 +0000

I always thought I knew how it worked but now I know I was right. Distraction is the key. And I am full of distractions now.