Welcome to Asf Comedy Unit

Musa and Akpos

2014-02-06T07:15:00.002-08:00

Musa and Akpors scatter fight for outside Exam hall yesterday:

The classmates gathered. Wetin happen?

Akpors: This Idiot copy me for Exam hall today.

Musa: copy wetin? I no write anything na blank sheet I submit!

Akpors: una don see am? Na blank sheet I submit too!

The examiner go think say we copy each other.

ASUU STRIKE FILM ADVERTISEMENT!!

2013-11-28T07:12:00.000-08:00

Hehe!Yes O! E don happen again o. Chukwudi Films in association wit Chukwuemeka Pictures

present anoda og****e movie " ASUU STRIKE 2013".Dis one na movie wey pass movie o! Dem no dey tell person dis one o! U must to watch am urself & for urself. Come hear the true story behind the whole ASUU Strike. Who start am, why dem start am, who suppose end am and who no gree end am! U go c all for dis movie. Money don scatter our country o! Dis one dey ask 4 money, dat one say no money...ewoOooo o! Chai! Come see as University students dey suffer, see as crime don dey increase, girls dey born like fowl, yahoo boys dey press control enter ooo, see as lecturers kukuma don turn home teachers & some dey roger kabukabu with dem moto... Parents dey cry say their children don finish food for house. Ew www...see this mama she say na 4 derica of rice she dey chop per month but now wey her pikin dey house, nah 1 bag per month ooo...chai! See Blood!See Blood!!See Blood!!! Students no gree ooo. Rich men no worry. Leaders no even send.Ewooooooo! Wetin poor man go do. Kai! ASUU STRIKE! ASUU STRIKE!! ASUU STRIKE 2013!! Full of Suspense, intrigues, romance, swagger, ginger...dat will keep u glued to d edge of ur seat. U go laff, u go cryand u go reason sef. ASUU STRIKE!

ASUU STRIKE!! ASUU STRIKE 2013!!!. . . Grab ur copy now!

Starring:

Kanayo O. Kanayo as

Goodluck

Jonathan, Pete Edochie as Nassir faggie,

Patience Ozokwor as Ngozi Okonjo- Iweala,

Eucharia Anunobi as Prof.Ruqayyat,

Jide Kosoko as Gabriel Suswan,

Olu Jacobs as Prof Julius Okojie,

Jim Iyke as Yahoo boy, Saka as poor man o!

Marketed and distributed

chiemelie & Sons Ltd. 7

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Grab ur copy now!!!

Akpos interview in Chevron

2013-11-28T07:00:00.001-08:00

Akpos was called for an interview by Chevron based on his performance
while working for shell.
INTERVIEWER: What is your current pay at Shell and what are you looking at with Chevron?
AKPOS: N9m per annum plus medical and other benefits. Considering the position here in Chevron, I'd be looking at N20-22m per annum, a status car, overseas vacation and medicals.
INTERVIEWER: Today is your lucky day! The position comes with N35m per annum salary, 2014 Range Rover Sport as official car, Mercedes Benz S65 AMG as status car, overseas medical treatment. A fully furnished house here in lekki, health
insurance for your wife and children, 2 houses to be built for you in any town of
your choice and in your village, annual overseas vacation for you and your family fully-paid first class, N2m wardrobe allowance per annum, cook, steward and 2 drivers, country club membership, and you're entitled to keep all that the
company gives you if you put in just 3 years of service...
AKPOS: (in bewildered excitement) HAAA!!!! Sir,
you must be joking!!!
INTERVIEWER: Of course I'm joking! Were you not the one that started it?

Oga has been sleeping around

2013-09-24T12:07:00.000-07:00

A Man missed his wife who travelled, so much that he felt the matrimonial bed was too big
for just him alone. Then, he decided to sleep on the sofa, dinning chair and sometimes
in the library, children's room and the Guest room. When the wife came back,
she asked the maid if her husband was sleeping fine while she was away. But the
maid answered: Madam, since you left, Oga no dey gree sleep for una Bedroom,
He has been sleeping around ooooooo.
The woman fainted!!

One word for the Housemaid.

Fun Time: Akpors In Class

2013-08-27T09:01:00.000-07:00

Teacher: who will pronounce 999 in words?
[teacher points Little Johnny]
Little Johnny: Sir, its nine hundred and ninety nine!
Teacher: wow! Clap for him..who will try and tell me 777
words?
David: Sir, it's seven hundred and seventy seven!..
Teacher: wow! U guys are awesome.. An applaud
for david..
Teacher: finally, who will pronounce 111 in words for us?
[At the corner, little Akpors shouted,"I sirrrr!..SirrrrI]
Teacher: yess Akpors!
Akpos: Sir! It's ONE HUNDRED AND ONETY ONE
Teacher fainted

Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet- Funny

2013-08-27T08:43:00.000-07:00

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife Unclad on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally Unclad, covering on the closet floor. "You !" the man says, "My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around Unclad scaring the kids!"

Akpors Seeking For Admission Into University

2013-08-26T08:17:00.000-07:00

AKPOS: Uncle, I learnt its difficult to get admission into University these days, except you are well

connected… Uncle: Yes thats true. …

AKPOS: Since you are connected, I came to ask you to help me get admission into university after my

jamb.

Uncle: Ya that’s true…am connected and I will help you. AKPOS: Thank you uncle. Uncle: You are welcome,

so how is your result, is it Waec or Neco and how many credits did you get?

AKPOS: Uncle, its waec, I had only 2 credits in Agricultural science and Yoruba language, but I failed the

rest.

Uncle: Well, that’s not bad,you can still be a doctor, not a medical doctor really, but native doctor

(babalawo)..you will use your credit in Agric in collecting herbs from forest, and Yoruba language for

incantations.

The most funny tribe in Nigeria

2013-08-25T09:08:00.000-07:00

1.A HAUSA man who removes his shoes 2 enter a taxi.
2.An IGBO man who goes 2 d bank with a spanner 2 open an account.
3.A YORUBA man who goes 2 bed wt a ruler just 2 know how long he has slept.
4. A TIV man who watches news on TV...and waves at d news caster.
5. An EFIK nurse who wakes up a sleeping patient simply becos she 4got 2 give him sleeping pills.
6. An IGALA man who turns down d volume of his TV becos he wants 2 read a text message.
7. An EDO man who sprays himself wt Raid insecticide 2 keep mosquitoes away.
8. An IKWERE man who polishes his shoes 2 take passport sized photo.

9. An ISOKO man who climbed a mango tree 2 check if d mangoes r ripe enuff...then came down & start trying to pluck the mangoes with stones.
10. A BAJJU man seriouly campaignin 4 late yakowa 2015 governatorial election
11. A FULANI man who chooses 2 drink Fanta becos he thinks Sprite is unripe.
12. A GWARI man who sees something like 'poo'...touches & tastes it...and says, ''Hmmm...na poo o....thank God l no match am''
13. A NUPE man who puts his radio inside d refrigerator becos he wants to listen to cool fm

Names Of Churches In Nigeria- Funny

2013-08-25T03:02:00.000-07:00

• Go and tell Ahab that Elijah

is here Ministries - Benin

• God is Real Ministry. Motto:

.Nak me Akpako Ministries

"Jesus no get muscle but

he get power"

• JESUS THE LANDLORD, WE

THE RELAXING PEW MINISTRY

- Port harcourt

• Old time religion ministry

• Strong Hand of God

ministry

• Best Spot In The Land of

God Church - Apapa.

• Trigger happy ministry.

Motto- "always firing the

devil" ---Affiliated to MOPOL

or Niger Delta militants

• KASABUBU CHURCH OF

GOD - Ibadan

• Jesus knows his children

ministry - Benin

• SEVEN THUNDERS OF JESUS

• Perfect Christianity

Ministry ......

Here's the sign for Run for

your life chapel

• The Yoke Must Brake

Ministry

• Jesus Heal Ministry

• Face to face ministry

• Angels on Fire Chapel of

Peace

• Liquid Fire Ministries (Suleja,

Niger State)

• By fire By Fire Ministry

• HOLYFIRE OVERFLOW

MINISTRIES

• David Killed Goliath Ministry

(Kaduna)

• House of Jehova's Padawans

(TransAmadi, PH)

• JESUS IN HIS MIGHTINESS

GLOBAL MINISTRY

• God in action ministries

• Moving mountain gospel

church

• MY BROTHER IS A

CHRISTIAN CHURCH OF GOD

• Fellowship of the Wings -

Ajah (Lamgasa)

• Power Foundation

Ministries, Aba. === The

pastor's

maiden crusade was titled:

"Your Money is Looking For

You"

• HOLY GHOST ON FIRE

MINISTRY (Abuja)

• HIGH TENSION MINISTRY

• Devil go hear am Jesus

Ministry

• Accredited Church of God

• Chukwudi & Son evangelical

ministry, Aba

• Power pass power church of

the mountain ministry

incorporated

• Ministry Of The Naked Wire-

Bayelsa State

• LABORATORY CHURCH OF

GOD

•Elshaddai Shall Not Die

Ministries

• Jesus Of God Mission (Imo

State)

• God's Mennonite Church

• Guided Missiles Church -

Lagos

• Healing Has Begun Ministry

• God's Own Ministry

• Jehova Sharp Sharp

(Satellite town)

• Huricane Miracle Ministry

• Healing Tsunami Ministry

• Satan in Trouble Ministry

• Fire for Fire Ministry

(affiliated to the Nigerian

Police)

•FIST OF FURY (NTA road, Port

Harcourt)

• Run For Your Life Ministry.

If Today Is Declared World Stealing Day

2013-08-24T08:14:00.000-07:00

world Hiv Day
world Thinking Day
world Boxing Day
world This & That Day
World Marrying Day

I Can't Just Stop To Ask Myself, If Today Is Declared World Stealing Day
what will you steal???

Describe Your House Rat In One Word

2013-08-24T07:24:00.000-07:00

Attributes of those mother F*ckers in my house
Fast
Skillful
Smart
And Fertile
Hobbies
Dancing
Watching Tv (Especially Nat geo wild)
Stealing food from the Flask (cause they dont eat food that already drops the floor, they feel its not hygienic)

Fighting
When they start fighting the house won't be at rest until we seperate them using Stone or Cane
Lemme stop for Now

Do you think your House Rats are more crazier than mine?
Describe them below..
I hope the mod finds this interesting

Funny Akpors With His Family

2013-08-24T06:57:00.001-07:00

Mr. Akpors was blessed with a beautiful wife and got a bouncing baby boy under the age of seven. To please his lovely family with fun, he bought a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie from a shopping center. He decided to test it during dinner with his family the next day.

Mr. Akpors: Son, Where were you today?

Akpors junior: I was at school dad.

Robot Slaps The Son!

Akpors Junior: ok dad, i went to nkechi's house to watch dvd....

Mr. Akpors: What sort of dvd?

Akpors junior: Toy story

Robot Slaps The Son Again!

Akpors junior: papa, it was an ungodly dvd (cries out)

Mr. Akpors: What! when i was at your age, i only watched godly dvds and cartoons

Robot Slaps Akpors!

Mrs Akpors laughs out: He's certainly your son, (like father like son)

Robot Slaps Mrs Akpors

Give me a word that could best describe Akpors Family

This is the awkward Truth about Nigeria Husbands...

2013-08-24T06:41:00.003-07:00

There was a group of men gathered at a church conference on "How to live in a loving relationship with your wife".

The men were asked, "How many of you love your wife?"
All the men raised their hands.
Then, they were asked "When was the last time you told your wife you loved her?
Some men answered "Today", Some said "Yesterday", majority didn't remember when.

The men were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective wife
" I LOVE YOU, SWEETHEART"...

Then the men were told to exchange phones so one can read the other person's wifes reply to the love message.
Here are some of the replies.
1. Have you impregnated someone again?

2. That was then, not now
3. You wan borrow money abi?
4. What did you do again?
5. Meaning?
6. Is that a new song you just learnt?
7. Am I dreaming?
8. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today
9. U dis man!!! I asked you to stop drinking
10. Abeg na who be this?

Ways to Get More Facebook Likes/Fans Free and Quick

2013-08-16T09:29:00.002-07:00

Do you have a Facebook Fanpage or Business page? If you do then you might, at one point or another, have wondered how to increase your “likes” and followers and how to get more facebook likes.

There are many services on the internet that offer “likes” for a fee. Unfortunately most of the followers you will gain from those services are fake and/or will not truly be engaged in the content you put out.

There are many methods for gaining more followers and you will find 100′s of articles about them out in
cyberspace but today I wanted to talk about Like4like.org.

Like4Like.org created a large FREE community in which real users “like” each others Fan Pages. Simple Enough?

I have personally utilized this service and find it amazing! It takes time and patience but if you stick to it you can get 100′s of real active followers on Facebook. Its ideal for those who are just starting out. You can utilize this service to start your Facebook community and get the ball rolling.

Whats even more exciting about Like4like.org? You can exchange Facebook likes as well as Youtube and Google Plus Likes!

What more could you want? I’ve personally been looking for a service like this

Gates Cambridge Scholarships

2013-08-06T03:15:00.001-07:00

Gates Cambridge Scholarships are highly competitive full-cost scholarships. They are awarded to outstanding applicants from countries outside the UK to pursue a full-time postgraduate

degree in any subject available at the University of Cambridge.

Host Institution(s):

University of Cambridge in United Kingdom

Field of study:

Any field of study offered at the University.

Number of Awards:

Gates Cambridge Scholarships are extremely competitive: over 4,000 applicants apply for 90 Scholarships each year.

Target group:

Citizens of any country outside the United Kingdom.

Scholarship value/inclusions:

A Gates Cambridge Scholarship covers the full cost of studying at Cambridge, namely:

• the University Composition Fee and College fees at the appropriate rate
• a maintenance allowance for a single student (£13,000 for 12 months at the current 2012-2013 rate; pro rata for courses shorter then 12 months)
• the cost of the most economical airfare from the scholar’s normal country of residence to the UK at the beginning of their course and the cost of the most economical airfare from the UK to the scholar’s normal country of residence at the end of the course

The Trust also considers applications for several types of additional funding on a discretionary basis such as family allowance, conference attendance, fieldwork allowance, some fourth year funding for PhD scholars and hardship funding.

Eligibility:

You can apply for a Gates Cambridge Scholarship if you are:

• a citizen of any country outside the United Kingdom.

• applying to pursue one of the following full-time residential courses of study: PhD (three year research-only degree); MSc or MLitt (two year research-only degree); or a one year postgraduate course (e.g. MPhil, LLM, MASt, Diploma, MBA etc.)

• already a student at Cambridge and want to apply for a new postgraduate course. For example, if you are studying for an MPhil you can apply for a Gates Cambridge Scholarship to do a PhD. However, if you have already started a course, you cannot apply for a Gates Cambridge Scholarship to fund the rest of it.

• already a Gates Cambridge Scholar and want to apply for a second Scholarship. You must apply by the second, international deadline and go through the same process of departmental ranking, shortlisting and interviewing as all other candidates.

Application instructions:

The Gates Cambridge Scholarships are highly competitive scholarships and awarded on the basis of the candidate’s academic excellence, a good fit between the Scholar and the University of Cambridge, evidence of leadership potential, and a commitment to improving the lives of others.

Next applications open 1 September 2013. See the How to Apply section for further details. The deadline for applications is 3 December 2013 for citizens other than the US and 15 October 2013 for US citizens.

It is important to visit the official website (link found below) or read the FAQs for detailed information on how to apply for this scholarship.

Website:

Official Scholarship Website: http://www.gatescambridge.org/

Application Closing date : 3 December, 2013

Course Starts : October 2014

The Only Circumstance Under Which I Will (Happily) Move Back Home to Nigeria

2013-08-05T09:51:00.000-07:00

Igbo Blood

2013-08-03T13:44:00.001-07:00

An Arab was admitted in the Hospital for a heart operation, butprior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to the neighboring towns. Finally an Igbo guy was located who had a similar type of blood.

The IGBO guy willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Igbo guy as appreciation, a new BMW 540iL, diamonds, lapis lazuli jewelry, and half a million US dollars.

Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the igbo dude who was more than
happy to donate his blood again.

After a successful surgery, the Arab sent the dude a thank you card and a box of almond chocolate & sweets.

The igbo guy was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and told him, 'I thought this time you would give me Toyota Prado, Diamonds and Jewelry. But you gave only a card and a box of almond chocolate & sweets."

To this the Arab replied 'Nwanne I can't help it, ..... Now I have igbo blood running in my veins!!"

Simple Question: “Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?”

2013-08-02T04:51:00.003-07:00

Simple Question: “Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?”

GEORGE W BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us orfor us.
There is no middle ground here.

BILL GATES: I have just witnessed eChicken2012 which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook; internet explorer is an
integral part of eChicken.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I have a dream... and envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my days, we didn't ask why thechicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

OMAWUMI
If u ask me, na who I go ask?

A TYPICAL NIGERIAN:
Why u dey ask? abi your own loss? Abeg, I no want wahala o! I am innocent. Joor, if dem send you come meet me, tell dem say you no jam me for house.

UNCLE SEGE:
The chicken dey kamkpe.

GEJ: I guess it's a manifestation of our transformation agenda for fresh air. Meanwhile, we'll set up a committee to look into that and probably grant the chicken amnesty.

GANI: Why wont the chicken cross the road? When there is no light in her house. No fuel in her car! No food in her stomach! No job to do! Armed robbers are after her eggs, the schools are closed,.........why wont it cross to the other side?

HON PATRIC OBAHIAGBON:
The question strikes to mind a perpendicularit y of oblivious occurrences. The rationale for the crawling species of the hen folk for advancing across the Broadway to the obvious greener side, portray a phantasmagoric allegory in my homosapious mind, that there is a reason. The metaphoric proposition may be that it is going to cast its vote for Fresh Democratic Party and hence justifying it subconscious mind that she has done her civil biddin

Chris Oyakilome: Halelluyah..... ............... ............!!! D Chiken actually crossed d Road..........
Heyyyyyyyyyyyyy yyyyyyyyyyyyy!! !!! Masecredeboliba sedarima..... Somebody say "I KNOW WHO I AM............. ....."
The Chiken actually crossed d Road bcos she knew who she was..wooooooooo ooooooooooooooo w!!!! Halleluyaaaaaaa aaaaah.........

Shem: This i̶̲̥̅̊s̶̲̥̅̊ going τ̅☺ βε̲̣ made known by my oga @ †ђξ top, because I cannot tell you one now that my oga @ †ђξ top W̅!ℓℓ tell you another one,,so you'll have τ̅☺ logg on τ̅☺ ww.chickencrossingroads.datsall

Patience jonathan: My fellow widows, since d chicken cross d road, our husband has nt eating, road safety is 2 b blame 4 allowing d chicken 2 cross d road,as we all can see Odimegwu Ojukwu is dead bt his MANHOOD stil lives.

My Lecturer:
let me c 1st! What type of chicken is that? Native or agric?

Development Scholarships For Nigerian Students in Czech Republic 2014/2015

2013-08-02T04:01:00.004-07:00

Here is a Scholarship called Development Scholarships for Nigerian Students and Students from other Developing Countries in Czech Republic for the 2014/2015 Academic Year.

Thanks to a generous contribution from the Czech Ministry of Education, Youth and Sport, the Faculty of Social Sciences is able to offer a limited number of partial scholarships for students of all fee based programs in academic year 2014/15. A total of five scholarships are available, ear-marked for students from developing countries and/or countries going through a process of political and economic transition.

What is on offer

1. Under the terms of this scholarship, students will receive a waiver of school fees for their first semester of study, plus a one-off payment of Kc 50,000 (about 2,050 Euro) as a contribution
towards living costs.

2. School fees for the second semester of study will NOT be waived.

3. Although we would like to continue the scholarship scheme in school year 2015/16, this is subject to our receiving further funding for future years. At present, therefore, we cannot guarantee that similar scholarships will be available for students’ second year of study.

How to Apply for the Scholarship

1. Applications for these scholarships are open to all students from developing countries and/or countries going through a process of political and economic transition, who are applying for study in one of our Bachelor’s studies or Master’s studies programmes at Charles University Faculty of Social Sciences from academic year 2014/15.

2. Applications must be made on the form that accompanies this announcement, and must include the following documents:

completed application form;
motivation essay of no more than 1000 words, explaining why they need a scholarship, and what they hope to gain from their studies at Charles University;
two letters of recommendation from teachers, who know the student from their previous studies, including confirmation of the student’s financial need.

Note: The current scholarship holders who are reapplying do not need to submit the two recommendation letters or write the essay. Please include a cover note and one recommendation letter from a Charles University academic who knows you from your studies with your applicatioon.

3. Applications should be sent to Manager, International Office (at the address below). All documents submitted must be originals and written in the English language, or accompanied by certified translations.

4. The deadline for scholarship applications is 30 April 2014. Students who will have problems meeting this deadline due to inefficient or unreliable postal services may, as a temporary measure, submit fax copies and/or scanned copies by e-mail. However, originals must also be sent, and final decisions will not be made until originals have been received.

Selection of Applicants

1. All scholarship applications received by the deadline will be assessed by a Scholarship Review Board, which will recommend five students to receive scholarships to the Dean of the Faculty. The decision of the Board on which students it will recommend for a scholarship will be independent of the deliberations of the Admissions Panel regarding which students to admit. However, only students finally admitted by the Faculty are eligible to become scholarship holders.

2. In addition to the documents submitted by scholarship applicants, the Scholarship Review Board will take into consideration applicants’ results from their earlier studies. Priority will be given to students who have not previously had the opportunity to study abroad.

3. A final decision regarding the students to be offered scholarships will be made by the Dean. The Dean will not enter into correspondence with unsuccessful applicants regarding this decision.

Financial Terms and Conditions

1. Successful scholarship applicants will receive payment at the start of their first semester, no later than one month after they register for their studies. No money will be paid in advance of the students’ arrival in Prague.

2. Before students receive their scholarships, they will also be required to make an advance payment in respect of their school fees for the second semester. This payment will be held as a surety until February 2015, and will thereafter be used to cover the cost of the student’s classes in the second semester. No further charge will be made for school fees in school year 2014/15.

3. In the event that students are forced to terminate their studies for disciplinary reasons, the surety they have paid for their school fees in the second semester is not returnable. However, in the event that students are unable to continue their studies for medical reasons, an adequate refund can be negotiated.

4. Scholarships are awarded for school year 2014/15, and may not be deferred to later years.

5. In the event that the Faculty of Social Sciences succeeds in obtaining the necessary funding to continue this scholarship scheme in school year 2015/16, existing scholarship holders will be given the opportunity to reapply. However, any extension of the scholarship will be conditional on students achieving satisfactory results in their first year.

6. Scholarships will not be offered for a third year of study (master’s degree) or for a fourth year of study (bachelor’s degree) under any circumstances.

POST YOUR SCHOLARSHIP APPLICATION TO:

Manager, International Office
Charles University
Faculty of Social Sciences
Smetanovo nabrezi 6
110 01 Praha 1
Czech Republic

E-mail: svoz@fsv.cuni.cz (enquiries only)

Click here to apply

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This conversation took place between Akpors and his dad.

2013-08-01T09:15:00.004-07:00

Dad: Son, please buy me a soft drink..

Akpors: Coke or Pepsi?

Dad: Coke.

Akpors: Diet or regular?

Dad: Regular.

Akpors: Bottle or can?

Dad: Bottle.

Akpors: Litre or oz?

Dad: Chineke!! Wetin??!! Just buy me water!

Akpors: Natural or Mineral?

Dad: Mineral.

Akpors: Hot or cold?

Dad(angry): I'm gonna strike you with a broom!

Akpors: Stick broom or soft broom?

Dad: Huh!!! Just get outta here!

Akpors: Now or tomorrow?

Dad: Now!

Akpors: Are you accompanying me or not?

Dad: I will kill you!

Akpors: With knife or with gun?

Akpos’ Letter of Apology

2013-08-01T02:43:00.000-07:00

Akpos a University student who shocked his lecturer with the kind of English he didn’t expect.

Akpos is a varsity student. The Lecturer ordered him to write an apology letter showing why he didn’t submit an assignment.

Dear Lecturer,

I’m sorry I could not do the homework on time because I was tired after watching televison.

Thank you..

The Lecturer warns him to write a formal letter with formal english or reflective of a varsity student lest he be punished.

This is what Akpos wrote…

Dear knowledge conduit,

My sovereign persona is thoroughly apologetic for my sordid academic behavioural inactivity or
academic hybernation as regards the assignment.

Unfortunately, our smart samsung HDTV was visually competitive in relation to the assignment, prompting me to fall prey to its seduction to the detriment of the assignment.

Ultimately, my exhaustion directed my nocturnally loyal body to my bed thereby rendering me half dead albeit still breathing in the process.

Best Regards.
Akpos

What do you think of him?

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Delta State Graduate Assistance Programme (GradUP) 2013 Job

2013-08-01T02:37:00.001-07:00

Employment opportunities for Delta State Indigenes — Quanteq Technology Services Limited is providing ad hoc employment opportunities in ICT for unemployed indigenes of Delta State who have completed the National Youths Service Corps (NYSC) Scheme.

Delta State Graduate Assistance Programme (GradUP)

Graduated with BSc. or HND certificate of Delta State Origin are eligible for this job opportunity. However,
such persons must also have completed the mandatory National Youths Service Corps (NYSC) Scheme.

Selected candidates would be trained on:

Computer basics
Network Administration
Electronic Document Management
Database administration
Project Management
Communication Skills
Critical Thinking Skills

For a period of minimum three weeks. This would be followed by the evaluation of candidates for placement into the available positions.

Requirements

All interested candidates MUST satisfy the following requirements:

Indigene of Delta State
Currently unemployed
Minimum of BSc or HND from a reputable university or polytechnic
Completed the National Youths Service Scheme.

Application Closing Date
4th August, 2013

Method Of Application
Interested and qualified candidates should:

Click here to apply

Enyeama now No.1 at Lille

2013-08-01T02:27:00.001-07:00

Nigeria international, Vincent Enyeama, has been declared first-choice goalkeeper at French Ligue 1 side, Lille Metropole for the 2013/14 season.

According to L’Equipe, Lille manager, Rene Girard, has decided to put Enyeama ahead of Frenchman, Steeve Elana in the pecking order of goalkeepers at the club.

“Vincent Enyeama (30 years) will be the number one goalkeeper of Lille next season as René Girard has decided,” reportedL’Equipe on Wednesday.

In the wake of the development, Nigeria goalkeepers trainer, Ike Shorunmu said he was not surprised that Enyeama has been elevated to number one at Lille.

“Honestly I’m happy for him and it shows that he is our best and one of the best in Africa and the world at the moment. I am not surprised that he is now number one at his club,” Shorunmu was quoted as saying onsupersport.com.

“You know every coach has different philosophy or plan, so I believe his present coach feels Enyeama is good enough to be number one and I am happy that has happened and it is an advantage to us at the national team.”

Since joining Lille in 2011, Enyeama played second-choice to Mickael Landreau before he went on loan to Maccabi Tel-Aviv last season.

After Landreau’s departure to Bastia in January this year, Elana became number one while Enyeama was away on loan.

This latest news has put an end to the club future of Enyeama, who had already been linked with a likely return to Israel.

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Teacher, It Is A Yam Sir – Akpos

2013-07-31T07:18:00.000-07:00

He just got himself into trouble in class again.

TEACHER (drew a map of Nigeria on the board): Who can tell me what I drew on d board?

STUDENTS: No answer

TEACHER: So nobody can tell me what is on d board right?

STUDENTS: No answer except Akpors.

TEACHER: Ok Akpors come out. Who else?

STUDENTS: No answer.

TEACHER: Is it only Akpors that is in dis class? (realy angry)
Ok Akpors take this cain & give everybody in dis class five, five strokes.

After ‘caining’ and the whole class was in tears.

TEACHER: Now Akpors, tell d class what I drew on d board?
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AKPORS: Eh… Its a YAM sir!

If you were part of the student beaten by Akpos, what will u do to him?

Share this joke if you like it but first, answer thr question above!

Akpos- Listen to my story

2013-07-31T04:50:00.001-07:00

AKPORS receive beating bcos he won enter prison

here is my story

No be my fault.

Na wetin happen be this...

Me sef been dey reason the formation to enter power, I come see say:

Nelson Mandela from prison to president.

Obasanjo from prison to president.

Theodore Orji from prison to Gov.

Omisore Iyiola from prison to senator.

Al mustapha from prison to Brigadier General.

Na hin I come go front of barrack go slap soja man make a fit go prison.

Kai... my people, where una wan make a see hand and eye type joke.

The kin beatin wey I chop ma people, if a contest for Councillor, I no go win.

Ma eye don dey clear small small sha..