All Things New

Something More?

2019-08-01T10:57:00.003-04:00

“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.”

Ephesians 3:20

This is one of those posts that I am hesitant to write simply because the words are hard to admit sometimes. But these words are my truth and for years I have sat on this truth, felt alone and kept quiet for fear that someone would think less of me. But today, as I was chatting with another friend who is going through a difficult time I realized that it is only when we share our insecurities or struggles with one another that people can begin to see they are not alone and not so different.

I am the mom of five super incredible kids. When I was young all I ever dreamed about was being a mom one day and having lots of babies. I feel like I fulfilled that young girl’s dream. I love my kids more than life itself. I would do anything for my children and I have. But, with that said, being a mom did not leave me filling fulfilled. Something in me knew there was more to my life than being a wife and mom. Because of that I began praying many years ago that God would fill that void in me with exactly what was supposed to fit there.

I remember as a young mom I would have huge conversations with my mentor at the time. She was my mother’s age and had two grown boys. She had always been a stay at home mom and still stayed home. When I would share with her what was on my heart she would tell me how my purpose was all about being a wife and mom. That those are the responsibilities God had placed in front of me and I needed to learn to be content in those things. Her response was always very frustrating to me. I was content and felt blessed to be able to stay at home, but I knew that one day my children would grow up and my role as a mother would change. I knew in my heart there had to be more and I wanted God to use me in ways I could never imagine.

We see if so often in our church communities where women are made to feel like there place is in the home and the idea of working outside of that home instead of caring for our children or homeschooling is scoffed. I lived in a community that very much viewed things that way and it left me feeling discouraged.

Over the course of my life I have watched people confine God to a box. Creating rules and boundaries according to the way in which they believe life should be lived and then alienating anyone living outside of their system. I’ve witnessed as they have placed limits on the power, the faithfulness and goodness of God because of their inability to believe that His ways are so much greater than their own then limiting His ability to display His greatness through them because of their small beliefs. I didn’t nor do I want to be that person. I want God’s purpose for my life fulfilled in ways that I could never even begin to imagine and so I prayed that way. Spoiler Alert….it happened 😊

For me, my purpose did not come until the age of 43. It took 43 years of living and a lot of life experience for me to finally find the place where God would have me. The place where He would use my life, my story, my personality, my faith, and my gifts to display His infinite goodness to those who are yearning for some hope and light in their very dark world. For the first time in my life, I wake up every single day eager to begin my day. Excited for what my day will hold. Knowing and believing that once again God will reveal Himself in times when I need Him the most so that I can display His goodness to those in front me.

Now looking back, I realize had I never started praying at 25 for God to use me outside of my home I might have never known this life I know now. I might not have paid attention along the way for His hand in my life. I might not have learned to hear His voice above the noisiness of the world. I might have missed it all! Yes, it took 18 years to get here but it was not 18 wasted years. During that entire time God was shaping me, refining me and preparing me for the role in which He has placed me today.

God has a purpose for each one of us. He has a special part written in His story where we each play our own role where His glory is revealed. Sometimes it might feel like it is never going to come but He knows when we are ready. He knows when we have reached a place where we can move forward with confidence in who He is and trust His hand to guide us.

We each have a different journey. No two are the same. But each journey starts with a prayer. A request. Asking for His plan, His purpose, His will for our lives. So, don’t be afraid to start asking Him to use you in ways you could never imagine. And don’t be surprised by the doors He may open and ask you to walk through as you seek after Him. His journey for us is amazing! It isn’t perfect and free of pain but the reward for going through the dark valleys is so worth the victories on the mountain tops!!!

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Romans 8:28

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.6 Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Infusion

2018-12-31T12:21:00.000-05:00

In January 2008 Matthew West released the song, The Motions. Little did he know when he wrote that song that it would change the course of my life and become a bookmark in my story. From the very first time I heard the words my heart was convicted and my prayers changed.

The song began with....

"This might hurt, it's not safe

But I know that I've gotta make a change

I don't care if I break,

At least I'll be feeling something

'Cause just okay is not enough

Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

Without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,

What if I had given everything,

Instead of going through the motions?"

Quickly this song became the rhythm of my heart. I woke up each day and as I drove my kids to school it played on repeat. The words became a prayer that I repeatedly prayed. I wanted God to do something in me. I wanted a work done in my life because I wasn’t content with the complacent life I was living.

At this particular stage in my life I was dealing with a lot of different things. I had been in an unhealthy and unsafe marriage for 13 years. I was surrounded by a lot of superficial relationships. My life was lacking true community and a safe place to go for help. I was at a place where I knew something had to be different. I knew God wanted His best for me and I knew that my current situation had to change and so I began to pray.

I was uncertain as to what would come next but I knew it was going to be hard. I recognized then that by asking God to do a work in my life meant there would be a battle ahead. Nothing could have prepared me for what was in store. I had no clue the roller coaster ride I was about to embark on but as I sit back today on this New Year’s Eve and look at the road that I traveled I am ever so thankful God heard my prayer. He knew I no longer wanted to live a restless life. And I prayed hard to get out of that complacent state I found myself. And as I prayed i added that my life going forward never become complacent again.

Unfortunately life takes turns and things happen and we fall into situations that we don’t see coming. I had prayed and prayed that my life not become complacent but I am sad to say that I let it happen again.

Now deep down I don’t think I recognized my life had become complacent. Instead, I think that after a few years of some severe storms I finally found myself on top of the mountain experiencing peace and victory. The problem is that I became too comfortable on top of that mountain. I liked my life the way that it was. My kids were good. My marriage was good. I had a good community and a safe place to land. I was involved in my church and life was moving at a leisurely pace. I was so comfortable. But though life was good, something within me had become restless again. I felt unsettled. Maybe I knew I had settled into a rut. I wasn’t being challenged. My faith wasn’t growing. I needed an awakening. But I didn't know I needed an Awakening.

Now I can tell you that I did not ask for an awakening like I had done 10 years earlier but it happened. I think this was one of those moments where my restlessness was my own doing because I was standing in the way of myself. As I now look back I know that God knew it was time for me to wake up. He knew I didn’t want to stay in the place of complacency. He created me, and because He created me He knows the deepest desires of my heart. And He knows that my desire is to follow Him and to live a life that is consumed by Him. But in those days that’s not how I was living. And so tragedy entered and the waves began to move.

Almost 10 years ago I specifically cried out to God and said, “Move in me. Do what needs to be done to draw me closer to you.” However 2 1/2 years ago I wasn’t asking for that. But God knew that I was in the way of myself. My complacency had allowed me to settle in and get comfortable with life. I no longer focused solely on Him because I had become less reliant on Him to get through my day. But God knew that if I stayed settled and bunkered down that I would truly suffer later from a lack of His touch in my life. This meant that He allowed suffering to enter so that devastation wouldn’t drown me because a false sense of security that can come from living a comfortable life is leaps and bounds worse than going through the process of suffering.

Because God loves us and wants our best He knows we have to go through the fire. This fire looks different for everyone but it means moments of disappointment and hurt. It means pain and unmet expectations. God allows these moments of suffering so that we learn how to be fully reliant on Him and draw closer to Him.

And because I had forgotten how to be fully reliant on Him and life had gotten too easy, He knew I needed a wake up call.

It’s much like training for a marathon. If we want to win the race we can’t lay on the couch all day. We have to get up and move. We half to exercise as a way to gain physical strength. And it is much the same way spiritually. We have to be poured into circumstances that might be difficult so that we can gain spiritual strength. Because it’s in the moments of our disappointments and difficult times that transformation occurs where our minds begin to think more biblically, we process those things around us through Truth more instinctively, and we learn to trust God more completely. During this process we have to get rid of things such as fear, complacency, weakness and hopelessness because those things lead to the thinking as the world thinks. Scripture tells us that to think like the world will lead to death. It will lead to the death of hope, the death of peace and the death of joy. But if we think like Jesus then new life is breathed into us and His peace will flow through us (Roman's 8:5-6).

Making that first move off the couch is not always fun nor is it at the top of our list of things to do. Much like moments of disappointment and pain are not something we would willingly ask for. But being uncomfortable and allowing life to become chaotic for a time may be the only hope we have in truly knowing what God wants us to see and His way of teaching us to solely trust in Him no matter what we face. We are called to be like Jesus. And through His suffering He became more and more aligned with God and less and less with the ways in which humanity dealt with circumstances and suffering.

If you want to know God’s will, God’s perspective and the good God has in store for you then you simply have to ask. And when you ask and invite Him into your circumstances He is faithful to answer. He will pour into your circumstances things such as strength, peace, courage and the ability to overcome. He will pour into your circumstances whatever is needed to help you grow in those areas and He will infuse you with the very things you have asked of Him. And it is good to desire these things because they cause maturity within us and though the process that must be completed in order to acquire these attributes may not always feel good at the time they will lead to good things because you’ll be living out the very best of what God has planned for you.

So as we enter into a new year ask yourself, "What is my life missing? What would God have of me in 2019?"

As you start off the new year invite God into your story. The ride may be bumpy and a little bit scary but it will forever change your life and the way you walk ith Jesus!

Pivot

2018-12-07T10:42:00.000-05:00

On May 28th 2016 we had an incredible plot twist. We went from being the happy and madly in love couple who rarely fought to a couple who began a journey that would take us on a path where we truly began to think that separation was the only option. It has been maddening and crazy and exciting all at the same time. It has taken me 923 days to get to a place where I am beginning to see that day as a blessing and not a curse. God has been up to a lot in our lives. He's been opening doors and giving us the opportunity to share our story with others and to help point them to Jesus. And through that He has been using these moments to grow our faith, to grow our marriage and to draw us closer to Him and to one another.

You see God knows Matthew and I better than anyone else. He knows our hearts. He knows our faith. He knows our desire to serve Him. He's known that from the beginning. He's known what He could do with us. He knows that we're moldable. He knows more about us than we know about ourselves. Which means He knows what we're capable of. He knows what ways He can use us even when we may be clueless. And even when we may not see ourselves as sufficient vessels to carry out His message and mission. But He knows and He's offered us this opportunity to be a part of this journey with Him. To be a part of His story in sharing His story of redemption and hope. He knew Matthew and I would struggle. He knew that we would hanging by a thread and on the brink of divorce. But He also knew the enemy wouldn't get the best of us. Even though at times it felt like the enemy was going to be victorious. God knew differently. He knew our love for one another. He knew our commitment to one another and He knew our strong desire to please Him!

So through a journey of ups and downs, of sin and selfishness and many bad decisions and wrong turns, God is redeeming our story. He's taken what I viewed as a no good horrible bad day and turning it into a day that now I see as a pivotal moment in my journey of faith. That day has now become the day God extended His hand and invited us both to be a part of His story. He invited us that day to be on mission though we didn't realize then what was happening. Or what we were in for. It has taken 923 days to recognize that total surrender will be the only way that this story (our part of the story) is successful. It took breaking us both down completely and stripping away all that we thought we needed so that He could replace it all with what we truly need....Him!

Yesterday I spent the day writing out the many names of God. Searching the scriptures and meditating on His many different names. I filled up pages and pages of my notebook and as I thought of each name and read about each one, I recognized that over the past 923 days we've experienced God in these different ways. I think I could fill my notebook with different stories from the last 923 days that would align with each different name of God. Throughout our journey so far, God has shown up in all of those ways.

God’s faithfulness and goodness through the most difficult challenges of our life becomes so evident when we stop and step away from the world. When we disconnect from the chaos and noise around us and just focus on His voice. He's always there. Always waiting to be allowed in to work. He's wanting to show us which way to go but sometimes we’re too stubborn or too deaf or too blind or too angry or too afraid to recognize it which means that sometimes it takes almost a thousand days for Him to get our attention. But man, when we finally sit still and just listen... He will blow our minds with the way He shows up and makes Himself clearly known!

Battlefield Ready

2018-11-30T11:41:00.000-05:00

I can't. I cannot deal with any more of these posts where the gospel is trampled and Truth is shuffled around so as to fit someone's agenda. Each time I see another post I get knots in my stomach and become physically sick. I understand that we are living in a time that the Bible clearly talks about (2 Timothy 3:1-5, 2 Peter 3:3-7, Matthew 24:12). When people will call evil good and good evil (Isaiah 5:20). I get that we are living in a time where people have walked so far away from God that they can't even see the Truth before them anymore (2 Corinthians 4:4). I know this is what is supposed to be happening but it is still heartbreaking.

It is so hard to watch people being led astray. It's even harder to watch people who profess to follow Jesus speak against the Bible as if their words are truth which then leads people astray (2 Corinthians 11:13-15). It is so hard to know that the hearts of people are becoming hardened and that an eternity spent in a devastating place is a real destination.

I know that there are those who will disagree with me. Who do not believe what I believe. And that's okay. I'm not here to argue with anyone. But instead, I'm speaking up and speaking out the same way those who believe opposite of what I believe do daily by instead calling out those of us who profess to follow Jesus but choose to sit back and stay silent. I'm calling us out because we are failing miserably at the mission.

Scripture tells us that none of us are good. Not one (Romans 3:10-12). That we all are sinful (Romans 3:23). But not just that that pretty much everything we do is sinful. Our lying, jealousy, foul language, selfishness, abuse, gossip, slander, pride, gluttony, divorces, homosexuality, abortion, adultery, infidelity, hatred, murder, discrimination, racism...the list goes on and on and it's all sin. Because it all goes back to pride and the selfish desires of our own flesh and for many the unwillingness to acknowledge sin (1 John 2:15-17). The truth is that sin is what causes us to "miss the mark." And the mark is the standard of perfection which God established and which was lived out by Jesus. Our inability or unwillingness to acknowledge our sin is where the issue lies. God wants us to recognize our sin because sin is what will distance us from Him and He loves us too much for there to be distance so He sent Jesus (John 3:16).

How do we combat all this? Scripture tells us that if we love God we will keep His Commandments (John 14:15). The simplest summary of the Commandments given by Jesus say that we are to love God and love our neighbor. And when we do that, when we love God first and above all other things including ourself and our own desires, we will obey God and be less likely to be taken captive by our sin and finally be able to acknowledge our sin.

God tells us what we need to be holy. Unfortunately because of Adam and Eve and the sin that entered the world through them...we are incapable of righteousness on our own and being in the presence of God because He alone is holy. This means that we need Jesus. This means that only Jesus and the blood He shed for us is what makes us acceptable and righteous to God who is holy. Who is our Creator. Who is our Heavenly Daddy. Once we recognize ourselves as sinners, Jesus will forgive once we repent and turn from our sinful desires and actions. It doesn't mean that suddenly we are perfect and will never fall into sin again but instead that we will now become aware of our sin and our need for Jesus.

I'm terrified for what this world will look like for my grandchildren. And as much as I don't want to take away from my own children and their future... I spend a lot of mornings praying that Jesus will come back soon. Very soon. I know that would mean there would be a lot of people who wouldn't come to know Jesus and I know that means I'm being incredibly selfish (sinful) but to see this amazing world that God created and all the amazing people in it continually reject Him and spit in His face breaks my heart. To see people mock the sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross. The death that He died for every single person so that all might know Him and spend eternity with Him often leaves me speechles. I ache for what this world has become and I believe that God has raised up a generation of people who will reflect His glory and not just their own. A group of people who will walk in His character and be vessels who bear His image.

For those who follow Jesus, it is time to stand up and speak out. It is time for Truth to be spoken with both love and grace. It is time to stop being afraid of who may hate us or call us intolerant. It's time to stop allowing darkness to keep us cowered in the shadows. A spiritual battle is taking place every single day in front of us and we are expected to be soldiers on that battlefield (Ephesians 6:12). We are fighting for the very souls of those people we work with, those we call friends and family, those who live next door to us and for some, spouses and children. We can't afford to be passive any longer. We're talking about the difference between an eternity spent with a loving Father or an eternity spent in a place of eternal damnation. How much do you really love those people around you? Lack of action and complacency speaks to our true loyalties and beliefs. And I'm just as guilty. It's time I check myself and start seeing the battlefield around me as one where I should be fighting. What about you?

Pursue Righteousness: Calling Evil Good

2018-11-20T12:23:00.001-05:00

Society has become so gifted at confusing evil with good. It all started in the garden with Adam and Eve and it continues today.

Our present-day social righteousness is a complete contradiction from the righteousness talked about in the Bible. It has been said, “A wrong deed is right if the majority of people declare it not to be wrong.” This very principal has set in motion the shifting of our standards over the generations. The Bible says, “What sorrow for those who say that evil is good and good is evil, that dark is light and light is dark, that bitter is sweet and sweet is bitter (Isaiah 5:20). The standard God sets for us has not changed and the Bible tells us that one day we will be held accountable for our sins (Romans 14:12).

Evil makes its way into our lives each day. It presents itself as harmless. We often wrap it up in a pretty little bow but sin is divisive and dirty. And it often leaves us to lie to ourselves as we call it tolerance and confuse it with love.

We have to step back and ask ourselves how we have become so deceived. How have we fallen into the trap set for us by the enemy? A lot of it boils down to our sinful desires. The need for immediate pleasure instead of God‘s desires that lead us to believe that evil is good.

It is so easy to make excuses for what God blatantly calls sin. A lot of that comes from people choosing to say that morals are relative. It has been said that, “As the occasion, so the behavior.” We’ve reached a place where our morality has been modified to fit our sinful behaviors instead of our sinful behaviors being determined by our morality. Today nothing is solid. People will shift from one extreme to the other because they lack Truth. The present-day ideology is twisted and distorted so badly that it is near impossible to know Truth from lies.

Self-centeredness is also a factor in this idea that evil is good. It makes us more prone to call evil good because we tend to think that if sin or immorality brings a profit or gives pleasure it has to be good. Even if we know it’s wrong.

However, if we were really listening to the voice of Jesus we would hear him say, “Seek the kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously (Matthew 6:33). And what does living righteously look like? Second Timothy says, “To run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love, and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts” (2 Timothy 2:22). And in James we read, “You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly except the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls. But don’t just listen to God‘s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves" (James 1:19-22).

Sadly we look at Christianity like we look at everything else in they world…by asking what’s in it for me? We think that God wants to do what we want of Him and that His plan is to give us the desires of our heart. We have basically turned God into a genie. We also rationalize. We make excuses for the sin in our life or we try to blame it on other people or other things. Even Adam, in the garden, tried to blame Eve for the choice he made. So this issue has been around for a long time.

The question becomes how do we correct our warped sense of thinking? How do we remove the blinders that the enemy has so cleverly placed upon our eyes?

The only answer out there is the Bible. The Bible is the only thing that we have to tell us what God considers good. Evil exists within everyone of us yet it disguises itself as good while controlling and deceiving us (Romans 3:10). But it is only by the death of Jesus on the cross that we are good. That we are made righteous. His death was necessary because man without God is a contradiction and an atrocity. This very thing is why some people love evil and then hate what is good because they are still so attached to their own sin.

It can be difficult to make our way back to Truth when the enemy has placed such blinders over our eyes. However, Scripture is very clear to those things that God hates. You don’t have to look too hard in the Bible to find them. God hates pride, He hates a lying tongue, He hates hands that shed innocent blood, He hates hearts that devise evil plans, He hates evil thoughts that eventually lead to sinful actions, and He hates those who create discord among their community. (Proverbs 6:16-19).

I think we would each do well to sit down and carefully think about the things that God hates. The hypocrisy we create by believing that it is always someone else that is evil gets us into this whole vicious cycle of calling evil good. Because at the end of the day I believe it all begins with pride and our own sinful desires to be right and to do as we please.

"Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you? -unless indeed you fail to meet the test!"

2 Corinthians 13:5

His Ways Before My Own

2018-11-20T09:49:00.001-05:00

If you know me at all you know that one of my greatest fears is to not be where God would have me. To be walking the path of my own choosing instead of walking out His will for my life. Twenty-three years ago I made that choice to do my own thing and I am painstakingly still living out the consequences of what came from doing what I wanted to do instead of being where God wanted me to be. You can say I’ve learned from those choices and because I have felt the pain of the consequences of those choices, I am constantly looking for God’s direction in my life.

Right now I am entering into a new season of life. I graduated in May and was ready to take on a full-time job. I just knew that’s what was next for me. So I applied for positions thinking that doors would open because that was what God wanted for me. But I think that’s what I wanted for me.

Twenty years as a stay at home mom can sometimes take a toll on the way you see yourself. Now don’t get me wrong, there is nothing I love more than being a mom. Especially one who got to stay home with her kids. I poured myself into to my kids and soaked up every minute but now I’ve entered a new season and it’s a season where I want to work outside of my home. But it’s also a season of trying to figure out exactly what that looks like.

Right now I have one of the greatest jobs in the world for me. I am doing something I am passionate about by working at a domestic violence organization and loving on women every day. It was like God hand-picked this position for me because I get up every day wanting to go to work and excited to see how God will use me that day. However, it’s only a part-time job. And so there are days when I don’t feel like that’s enough. And I’ve beat myself up over it. Because I feel like I should be doing more.

Over the last couple of weeks God has really been showing me the importance of being still. To take the time to separate the noise of the world from His voice. He’s been reminding me of how I came into this job in the first place. What to some would seem like a fluke to others would be evidence of His providential hand. He’s been reminding me this week that He gave me this opportunity to work this job in the morning which then allows me the afternoons to minister or serve or write or to invest in the lives of those around me. And what a reminder that has been as I recognize that for the past six months as I’ve wrestled with wanting to work more… I’ve wasted six months of missing out on the opportunities to do these things because my focus was on the wrong things. I wasn’t content with what He had for me. I felt like I needed more but He has shown me that what I have is enough.

Being able to trust God‘s plan for your life means that you have to be content and find joy in Him and not your circumstances. So as He becomes your everything, and where your hope and happiness comes from then His will for your life becomes much more evident. Because instead of looking for things that make you happy, you’re seeking out things that bring Him glory. And ultimately that is the purpose of your life and what He has planned. What a revelation!

Once you finally wrap your head around that truth… His voice becomes much more clear. You certainly start to recognize when He is speaking and when He is leading. The nudging of the Spirit within you becomes much more recognizable and suddenly you find yourself taking steps that you were once afraid to take. It becomes all about trusting His plan all the time even when it might not make sense or might not exactly be what you think you need.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Dripping Faucet or a Crown

2018-11-16T09:15:00.000-05:00

This is such a two-way street. It can't be just one way. One of my favorite things to hear from my husband is "I can't wait to get home to you because you make everything better." To know that I provide a safe place for him to come home to and that he wants to come home to me motivates me to be the wife that I'm called to be. It doesn't mean that I'm perfect by any stretch of the imagination but it means that I strive to love him and make him my priority.

There's nothing like knowing that in a world full of women, women who may be prettier than you or more personable than you or more fun than you...he chooses you. It's you that he wants. That by loving him and putting him first I provide a safe place for him to land at the end of the day. And I love knowing that. Even more I love when he'll text me and say "I'm so eager to get home to you. I can't wait to spend the evening together." To know that at the end of the day his happiness is found spending time with me whether that's just sitting in front of the TV watching a movie or folding laundry together makes me a happy wife.

So that leaves the question of how do we become wives that our husbands look forward to coming home to?

I remember when I was much younger I was reading through Proverbs and ran across the verse talking about the wife being like a dripping faucet (Proverbs 27:15). I knew I didn't want to be that wife. Instead I wanted to be the wife that Proverbs 12:24 describes...an excellent wife is the crown of her husband. That was my goal because I knew I didn't want to be the wife who did my own thing and didn't include my husband. I knew I didn't want to be the wife who nagged him for not picking his underwear up off the floor or leaving his keys on the kitchen table. I knew that there were more important things to focus on as we lived life together.

Through my years of being married...that verse has played quite frequently in my head. I don't want my husband to look at me and be annoyed and afraid that every time I open my mouth I'm going to fuss at him for something he did or fuss because of something he didn't do. Or add something else to his list of chores or projects. Instead, I knew I wanted to be a teammate with my spouse. I wanted to approach marriage from the perspective that I'm just as flawed as he is and that two heads are better than one. So if we put all of our energy into working together, and making decisions together, and living life together then he would see me as something more than the nagging wife.

Up to this point I think it's worked pretty well. It doesn't mean we don't have hard days. It doesn't mean we don't have disagreements. But at the end of the day it does mean that we want to come home to each other. At the end of the day I eagerly await for him to walk through the front door. At the end of the day I can't get over that I get to spend my life with somebody that I can't get enough of.

So let's stop being that dripping faucet and instead be his crown!

The Pursuit

2018-11-15T08:46:00.000-05:00

I've always thought that was a powerful statement. That in order for any man to find a woman that he should have to seek out God before he can find her. It's one of those things that I can't express loud enough to my single friends and daughters. But as incredible as that statement is, it shouldn't stop there.

It's easy to see that statement and think about what it looks like before we get married. That in order to find the man we're supposed to marry that our walk with Jesus should be solid. And it should be. But we married women need that reminder too because that statement should follow us throughout the entirety of our lives. Even once we are married. Because once we're married we shouldn't give up on our pursuit of God. He should still be our number one priority. We should be so in love with God that it draws our husbands to Him. We should be so in love with Jesus and spending time with Him that our husbands can't find us unless they're sitting with Him too.

It's easy in marriage to become cynical. It's even easier to become bitter and resentful after years of unmet expectations and disappointments. It's easy to cling to hurt and focus on what we don't have. We women are amazing at doing that! But when we focus on our Creator those things sort of wash away as we take our eyes off our circumstances and look at the One who gave us our spouse to begin with. We can't go wrong when we're focused on the right things. Our heart won't grow cold when our heart is full of love for our Creator.

If you're struggling in your marriage today, if the love you once shared has run cold and you're just ready to give up...don't look in any other direction but up. Go to the source, the One who brought you together to begin with. Focus on God's love for you and allow Him to place His hand upon your heart and as His love fills you up it will pour out of you and into your spouse. Because the more we pursue God, the more our love and affection for Him trumps all others and the more things in our life will start to make sense leaving us more fulfilled and content.

Those are big words and big steps to take if you haven't already been living that way. Trust me. I know. It has taken a lot of painstakingly new habits and daily reminders to focus on the things above as a way to remind me to turn my eyes in the direction of the cross. But on the days that I remember to do those things life is different. My day is different. My attitude is different. My heart is different. My reactions are different. The way I love is different.

When we pursue Jesus with all of our heart and allow the Spirit to move within us...everything changes. So be that woman. Be that woman that chases after God so hard that the only way her husband will ever find her is through his own pursuit of God.

Ignite a Fire

2018-11-14T08:54:00.000-05:00

When the shadowy curtains of darkness have surrounded you, almost swallowed you whole where do you go? What do you do? I find myself there more times than I care to admit. The smothering sensation that leaves me gasping for breath and wishing for the day to end falls heavily and quickly but the strength needed to escape doesn't come easily. In those moments, I have two choices...I can fade into the background and allow the darkness to consume me or I can extend my hand and reach out for the One who extends His.

Darkness is a funny thing...it can be scary and comforting all at the same time. Darkness can bring about the unknown. Leave us questioning what will we find lurking around the corner. Too scared to look under the bed? The unknown is a cold and lonely place. But then that same darkness can bring a sense of comfort as we bunker down and wallow in our doubts and fears. Staying resolute in a posture of defeat oftentimes feels easier. But it's not. Because the longer we stay there, in that darkness, the longer it will take to find a way out.

The battle out is hard. Fighting takes a lot of strength, courage and stamina. But I've learned that we don't fight alone. We haven't been left alone to fight these battles. Jesus came, He conquered and He won the victory. Just because we have the victory though doesn't mean that there won't be pain or disappointment. But we have to weather through the hard in order to reach the victory.

Oh the frustration that can come when the disappointments abound. The anger that grows when it feels like God isn't hearing our prayers or doing something to remedy the pain. And it happens. We question His goodness. We question His presence. Sometimes we even find ourselves sitting in the middle of the bathroom floor crying out to Him in anger because we're tired. Tired of feeling ignored. But He's there and He's listening. He's fully aware of what is happening and why. And if we're paying attention and listening, He makes His presence known. Whether it's through a friend or a book or a passage of scripture, in that moment, He speaks exactly what we need to hear but we have to be listening. With an open heart we have to be willing to listen. Willing to hear what's not always easy to hear. But when we're feeling hurt or disappointed it's easy to lose sight of Him. In the middle of the chaos and pain, it's easy to miss the sound of His voice. But we have to be still.

So what can bring darkness? I have learned that the enemy will use our marriages to cover us in darkness. But though the enemy will use our marriages in an attempt to destroy us, God will use our marriages to mature and grow us. Now acknowledging those two things is not easy because it means we live in a constant war. An ongoing battle that is constantly taking place between good and evil. Around every corner an enemy exists with a mission to destroy a union that was meant to display the beautiful picture which is the gospel.

Because of this ongoing war, so many of us give up instead of fighting the battle. We don't feel like waging war. In fact, most of the time we don't feel like the person on the other side is worth fighting for. We get to a point where we want to throw our hands up in the air and say good riddance because this is too hard.

Oh how the enemy wants that victory. But if we just hold on and fight then we begin to see the rewards that come from being faithful to the cause that we believe in. We begin to experience the victory that Jesus says we have. When we wage war in the valley we eventually hit those mountain tops where God reveals His splendor and faithfulness in ways that take our breath away. But the decision is ours. Is it worth it? What's really important?

Giving up will just leave us empty and searching for something else to fill the emptiness. But fighting...fighting ignites a fire within us that allows us to see a bigger purpose for ourselves, for our marriages and for our families. It allows God to shine through us. It offers people hope where they will find encouragement through our struggle and in our stories. Our battle can help others find victory and strength in their darkness. So don't be afraid of the battle. And most importantly.... don't be afraid of your story! Use to inspire others to continue fighting! Because it's worth it! Because victory is just around the corner!

"But take heart; I have overcome the world."

John 16:33

Conformity: A Sign of the Times

2018-10-29T11:07:00.001-04:00

My husband and I spent this weekend free of distractions and instead spent time studying God‘s truth with other believers. We finished off our weekend feeling encouraged, strong and more ready for battle. But it sure doesn’t take long to find ourselves feeling weak.

Over the weekend we spent a lot of time talking about the world. The way in which the world influences the way we think, believe and even behave. As believers our battle is ongoing. We are constantly at war with an enemy who seeks out to divide, destroy, deceive, and distract. To cause devastation, disappointment, disagreements, disbelief, and discontentment. One who discourages, promotes discrimination, dishonesty, disillusionment, and creates disorder. He brings destruction because his mission is simply to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10). And every day we see him at work in the world around us.

So how does this affect relationships around us? How does the work created by the enemy impact you in a personal way as a follower of Jesus?

Following Jesus does not come without sacrifice. In the book of Luke, Jesus is speaking to a crowd and He tells them, “if you want to be my disciple, you must, by comparison, hate everyone else-your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters- yes even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:26).

That is such a powerful statement. Jesus is not in fact saying that we are to hate people because that goes against his command to love everyone (Matthew 22:39). Instead, the point He is making is that no one else in the world should come before Him. There is no other relationship on this earth more important than a relationship with Him. That our love, devotion, and commitment for Him should surpass every other relationship on this earth. Jesus said, “Do you think I have come to bring peace to the earth? No, I have come to divide people against each other! From now on families will be split apart, three in favor of me, and two against- or two in favor and three against. Father will be divided against son and son against father; mother against daughter and daughter against mother; and mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law” (Luke 12:51-53).

The message Jesus brought was not one of just love and hope. He brought a message that speaks to holiness. He brought a message that points people to His Father. He brought a message that speaks of sin and forgiveness. He brought a message that is full of redemption and grace but it is a message that is not always easy. As we learned this weekend, it is a message that is rejected because of pride and selfishness. And it is a message that can cause division.

Following Jesus comes with a cost. It means we don’t get to live the way that we want to live. We don’t get to do the things that we want to do. We have been placed on this planet with a purpose and a mission. Yes we are commanded to love but we are also commanded to hate sin. To turn from those things which God despises (Proverbs 6:16-19, Proverbs 8:13). We are to point people to the cross. To reflect God’s love so that those around us would come to know Him and be saved.

“Take note, there are six things the Eternal hates; no, make it seven He abhors: Eyes that look down on others, A tongue that can’t be trusted, hands that shed innocent blood, I heart that conceives evil plans, feet that sprint toward evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and anyone who stirs up trouble amoung the faithful” (Proverbs 6:16-19, The Voice).

“There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a person who stirs up conflict in the community” (Proverbs 6:16-19, NIV).

“All who fear the Lord will hate evil. Therefore, I hate pride and arrogance, corruption and perverse speech” (Proverbs 8:13, The Voice).

“If you respect the Eternal, you will grow to despise evil. I despise wretched, vile talk and ways of pride and arrogance” (Proverbs 8:13, NLT).

We are living in troubling times. A day and age clearly described in the Bible. All you have to do is scroll through social media to see the hatred and division, the abuse and pride. To see the enemy at work to distract and divide from what’s really important.

In 2 Timothy we are told,

“You should know this, Timothy, that in the last days there will be very difficult times. For people will love only themselves and their money. They will be boastful and proud, scoffing at God, disobedient to their parents, and ungrateful. They will consider nothing sacred. They will be unloving and unforgiving; they will slander others and have no self-control. They will be cruel and hate what is good. They will betray their friends, be reckless, be pumped up with pride, and love pleasure rather than God. They will act religious, but they will reject the power that can make them godly. Stay away from people like that!” (2 Timothy 3:1-5, NLT)

“And know this: in the last days, times will be hard. You see, the world will be filled with narcissistic, money grubbing, pretentious, arrogant, and abusive people. They will rebel against their parents and will be ungrateful, unholy, uncaring, cold hearted, accusing, without restraint, savage, and haters of anything good. Expect them to be treacherous, reckless, swollen with self importance, and giving to loving pleasure more than they love God. Even though they may look it or act like godly people, they’re no. They deny His power. I tell you: stay away from the likes of these.” (2 Timothy 3:1-5, The Voice)

At the end of the day we have been given a mission. We are to go and make disciples. We are to introduce those around us to Jesus. We are to care more about the many who will spend an eternity in hell then we do about our next episode of our favorite show or the next big football game. But oh how distracted we have become. The enemy is more powerful than we give him credit and he has meticulously worked to keep us focused on our own desires. And we all fall into this category. Not one believer is immune to the attacks of the enemy.

So how do we avoid being sucked into the game that he plays? That’s such a huge question. The only solution is that we remain focused on Jesus. That every part of every day is spent with eyes solely focused on Him. It is only when He is in front of us that we can love as we are called to love, that we can serve as we are called to serve, that we can testify to who He is and what He has done. In our own power, we are weak. In our own power what we accomplish will surely fail if He is not at the center.

For every believer the same power that raised Jesus from the dead lives in every one of us. But that power can only be utilized when we are focused on the right source. And that source is Jesus alone. Many will claim His name and profess that they follow Him, but very few will actually live out that life and follow the way in which He has commanded. Very few will utilize the source of power that resides within every believer.

“The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead, He will give life to your mortal bodies by this same spirit living within you” (Romans 8:11).

To point us in the right direction we need to start in Romans and learn how to rewire our thinking, change our focus and listen for God’s voice.

“Do not allow this world to mold you in it’s own image. Instead be transformed from the inside out by renewing your mind. As a result, you will be able to discern what God wills and whatever God finds good, pleasing, and complete” (Romans 12:2, The Voice).

Anxiety in a Philippians 4:6 World

2018-10-17T10:43:00.001-04:00

Anxiety and CPTSD… I deal with both. At age 11, I experienced a trauma that forever changed who I would be. It was when anxiety first reared it’s ugly head. As life continued, toxic relationships entered my life and my anxiety grew becoming more severe. By the time I removed myself from the toxic relationship, I was left with CPTSD to partner with my anxiety.

It is crazy the way in which trauma affects our brains. It took studying psychology and understanding the way in which trauma re-wires the brain that helped me begin to process through the events of my past. It has taken a lot of counseling. It has taken a lot of revisiting the past and working through lies that I began to tell myself at age 11. It has taken someone helping me to understand that something that I experienced when I was 15 years old was not my fault. That because of the trauma at 11, my brain was not in a place where it could fully grasp the weight of what was happening to me. It has brought me to the place of understanding the significance of the way in which big events or trauma can set us back and keep us from being who God created us to be when we don’t get the proper help.

Now before going further I want to address the counseling. Did going to counseling make the anxiety and CPTSD go away? No. It doesn’t work that way. I will probably deal with both of those things for the rest of my life. But what it did change was how I deal with my anxiety and CPTSD. And it taught me the importance of boundaries and being reminded of who I am in Jesus. Do I always do these things perfectly? No! It is a daily struggle. But each day is a step in the right direction.

Back to anxiety. Many websites are available for family and friends to read on anxiety and how to help someone that you love who deals with anxiety. And for the most part if you can follow simple suggestions that are often shared on these sites, you can help your anxiety plagued loved one in ways that can totally change the way they deal with their day. But the issue is that most people don’t take the time to understand mental illness. Instead we often times let ourselves get in the way by thinking that the problem is all us. That there is something wrong with us and that’s why the person with anxiety is avoiding us or not responding to us. But that’s not the case.

Anxiety sucks. Though I know when I am feeling highly anxious, I don’t often know why I am feeling anxious. There are certain situations that I find myself in that serve as triggers for both my anxiety and my CPTSD, but often times I cannot avoid those situations. They are just part of every day life. So I have had to learn how to maneuver through those situations. It is incredibly difficult when the people around you don’t understand that you have to put into place certain boundaries as a way to prepare yourself in certain ways so as to not become triggered by a situation. It’s as if those of us who deal with anxiety constantly have to live one step ahead of ourselves in order to keep ourselves from having a panic attack, a breakdown (melt down), or a manic episode.

Because of trauma early in her life my amazing 17 year old daughter deals with anxiety and panic attacks. And she does a great job of acknowledging when she's feeling anxious and puts things into place that help her. This was a day last week when she sent me a text...

She didn't know what was making her anxious, but she knew to find a distraction and to focus on something different. Often that's how anxiety works. We just don't always know the cause.

For those who suffer from anxiety (as a result of trauma) and CPTSD it is helpful for people to realize that we probably understand boundaries more than the normal person. That is because we understand the importance of those boundaries and the way in which they are needed to keep us mentally healthy. It means that there are people in this world who we will not associate with because they are toxic to our health. It does not mean we do not love the people. It does not mean that we do not care about the people. But what it does mean is that we care enough about ourselves to do what needs to be done to protect ourselves from further harm.

The idea of boundaries can be incredibly difficult for those of us who live in the church world. Because in this world we have been taught that we are to love everyone, which means we have the mindset that setting a boundary goes against that command. We have somehow confused this idea and made ourselves believe that loving everyone means that we have to allow everyone into our personal space. And this is just not true. We can love people from afar. We can pray for people from afar. But we do not have to allow people within our small circle if they have proven to be detrimental to our health.

Also for those of us who live within the church world, we are often quoted the verse Philippians 4:6 that says we are not to be anxious about anything. That is one of the most frustrating things to be thrown at us. When you speak that verse to us it acknowledges that you are unaware or do not understand the type of anxiety that we are dealing with. We don’t deal with the normal worry of how we’re going to pay the next bill or if it’s going to rain today. Our anxiety comes from places of trauma. The reality that bad things happen, that they have happened to us and the possibility of them happening again (to us) are quite high. That the trauma that we have been through is not necessarily a one time event. And that there are things around us that can trigger the memories of those past traumas. Yes we can do what Philippians 4:8 says and place our thoughts on things that are true and noble and right but again It takes time for a person who deals with anxiety to take those thoughts captive and to bring oneself back down to a place that feels safe and calm.

At the end of the day, I truly believe that it is important that when we discover that someone in our life deals with anxiety, that we take the time to understand that person. That instead of jumping to conclusions or assuming the absolute worst, that we take the time to put ourselves in their shoes. To see the world from their perspective. And though that is incredibly difficult to do when one may not struggle with anxiety, there are so many great resources available that do a really good job of diving into the life of a person who struggles with anxiety and even CPTSD.

What people should know about anxiety

10 things about anxiety and depression

It’s Time to Clean House

2018-08-10T10:19:00.001-04:00

Impatient and struggling we want to see change happen immediately. When something is wrong we want it fixed. We wrestle and wrangle with the struggles we face thinking that we can make it better.

That’s been my situation for the past two years. I wanted change and I wanted it right then and there. And I truly thought I had the power to change my circumstances.

Here’s the thing…we live in a world where we’re told that we “have the power within ourselves” to rectify the wrong to get what we want, or fix what is broken. And there might be some truth in that. We probably do have the ability to do those things. However on our own, without all the information, we don’t have the ability to properly put together a solution.

The greatest life lesson that I have learned is that God is ultimately in control. No matter how much I try to maneuver or piece together a solution for my weary circumstances, I’m incapable of doing it correctly. And the simple reason why I cannot do it is that the only information I have is the information that sits in front of me. I know what led me to the situation and I know where I am in that moment but I can’t see ahead into my future. I have no idea what’s coming next.

What does that mean? It means I can’t create the perfect plan that will heal my broken situation. This means that in those moments when I’m struggling, scared and alone my reaction to the things happening around me is typically based on those listed emotions. For me, I need a quick fix. I need something to make the pain go away. For some that might be drugs or alcohol. For some that might be sex. For some that might be vegging out in front of the TV or a good book. Whatever that might look like, none of those things ultimately fix what’s really going on.

No matter how hard we try, without all the information, the solution that we create will probably end up causing us more harm than good.

Over a year and a half ago I posted the picture on this page truly believing what it said. I believed that at the right time, the Lord, would make it happen (Isaiah 60:22). What was the “it” in that statement for me? It was my pleading with God to make my husband better. To make our marriage what it had once been. But at the same time I wanted to believe that the Lord wanted it to happen right now just like I did. But He didn’t. He wanted some change to happen first. So instead, His plan for me included a desert, some wandering, some soul-searching, some loneliness and some severe heartache, because His timing is perfect. He knows just what we need and when we need it. He knows that in order for us to be the best version of ourselves, that we have to find our way back to Him because we have strayed away. And what’s interesting is that sometimes we don’t even realize that we have strayed until it’s too late. And because we don’t realize how far we have strayed we don’t realize the amount of work it’s gonna take to get us back to where we need to be. And for me, that was my biggest problem and it took quite a bit of work for me to realize that’s where I was.

So as my struggle grew bigger and my heart ache deeper, I finally realized that I needed to invite Him in. I had to open the door and ask Him to clean house. And He did.

He started with my closet. He started going through the clothes in my closet that had been there for way too long and He began removing those things that no longer “fit.” Relationships that were unhealthy and activities that were a distraction. Before I knew it, half of my closet was gone but I could see what I had that still fit. From there He moved into the bathroom. The messiness of the bathroom reminds me much of the messiness of my sin. The grime and the mold that can build leaving our bathroom feeling icky and gross just like sin does to our hearts. He began to expose those places that I had missed. Those corners that I had overlooked or ignored because I just couldn’t be bothered with trying to get it clean. But He wiped it all clean. And by the time He finished that bathroom sparkled like it never had before. And then He moved on into the kitchen. The disheveled and unorganized kitchen. The room where chaos often lives. He started by arranging things. He put things in order making things easier to find. He sorted things out by their priority, putting those things that are most important where they could be accessed easily.

Once He finished cleaning house, there was a peace that wasn’t there before. This peace didn’t come easily because I had to say goodbye to some things I didn’t want to see go but I am so thankful for the work that has been done. I am thankful because it caused me to rely on and trust Him to make the moves that were best for me.

God knows everything about us. He knows what our future has in store for us. This means He alone is the perfect solution to whatever circumstance we face. And once we have handed over our circumstances, and His timing and plan unfolds before us, we’re able to look back on everything that we’ve been through and find joy in the pain. Suddenly we realize it was all for our benefit because it drew us closer to Jesus. He alone became our Saviour, our strength and our comfort as we trusted Him to "clean house."

You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

Psalm 139:15-16

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

James 1:2-4

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Romans 8:28

When You’ve All but Given Up

2018-07-31T10:53:00.000-04:00

What happens when we release the grasp of something we are afraid to give up? What happens when we let go of the control of something that we think only we can fix? What happens if we hold on to something for too long?

This has been the lesson that God has been teaching me for the past two years. Amongst other things, He has been teaching me the importance of letting go and casting all my cares upon Him (1 Peter 5:7). To acknowledge that giving Him all of my doubts, worries, hurts, and frustrations is the only way things will get better. I won’t say it has taken this long to figure that particular principle out because I’m stubborn, though I can be stubborn, but instead it’s been trying to fully understand what it means to let go of something and hand it all over to God.

All along that’s been my desire. To give Him everything that was happening in my life and allow Him to work. What I didn’t realize was that I was still holding on. That my fear of losing something familiar was keeping me from releasing every piece of what needed fixing. And so what had to happen? He had to completely break me down. I had to be reminded that I have no control of what happens in my life. Here’s what I mean by that.....Yes I can make choices or decisions but the outcome of His plan is based entirely on how His plan has been written. I can change how I get from point A to point B by the choices or decisions I make, but ultimately the destination has already been determined by Him. This means I can make the road an easy one or I can make it incredibly difficult. And that is what happened over the last two years.

Matthew and I have spent an incredible amount of time the last two weeks searching out God‘s word, studying God‘s word, talking through what’s been going on the past two years with his accident, the struggles in our marriage, and really praying and asking God for direction. It has been an amazing two weeks. For two years we have struggled, searched for God, questioned God, trusted God and felt like we weren’t making any headway. But one day when we didn’t think we could take anymore and we both expressed that we were done, we sat down together and asked God to step in, to move in a way where we knew He was working. We asked Him to guide and to restore. And that is exactly what He’s been doing!

Matthew likes to listen to a preacher by the name of Joby Martin. This pastor is fantastic and I enjoy listening to him as well, especially because he sounds like Matthew McConaughey to me. Anyway, Matthew sent me one of his sermons last week on God‘s faithfulness. At the beginning of that sermon, Joby talks about being part of the family of God. Being in community. He talked about how community is so incredibly important when it comes to facing trials or struggles. He went on to say that if you wait until you need Christian community then it’s too late because we are always in need of the body of Christ. Accountability, the encouragement, the connection that comes from believers spending time together. He added that Christian community is deeper than any genetic family. And if Matthew and I have learned anything over the last couple of years it is the truth of that statement. When a group of people share the common bond that is the love of God and an intimate relationship with Jesus, the relationship you have with those people in your community is something that you will never know outside of being part of the body of Christ. And as I thought through the significance of that statement, I realized that that was part of what Matthew and I have been missing the past two years.

For two years, we have been surrounded by a group of people who have prayed with us, prayed for us, walked with us, stepped into the mess that has become our life, and loved us no matter what we were facing. It has been a loyalty and love that I have never experienced before. But what existed within our community, was lacking in our marriage. Our life situation had become so monstrous that we had become more focused on our problem than we were on God, the One who loves us. We had become like Peter when he stepped out into the water. Instead of focusing on the face of Jesus, we focused on the storm that surrounded us (Matthew 14:22-33]. The common denominator, that is Jesus, that had drawn us to one another in the beginning was no longer the common denominator. We had lost that intimacy that is shared between believers because Matthew and I had lost our foundation which is Jesus. The rock that had made our community so strong and kept it strong, was not the rock that our marriage or our individual lives was built upon. So when life’s struggles came to be, our foundation crumbled. For two years people have prayed that Matthew‘s brain injury would be healed, that all of our issues would be resolved, and that God would show up in a big way. But all along, God allowed these things to happen as a way to draw us back to Him and mold our lives into something that He has planned for us.

We would rarely choose the hard path that God lays out for us. The one that includes the pain, the struggles and the frustrations. But thankfully we serve a God who loves us and knows just what we need in order to hear His voice within the chaos that is this world. It took a place of complete brokenness that we were finally able to hear His voice, but thankfully He didn’t give up on us. Though it took us reaching a place of complete exasperation and a place of “being done,” His faithful love chased us down and drew us back into the safety of His arms.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.

Ephesians 3:20

Made for Love

2018-07-01T08:53:00.001-04:00

I used to believe that Song of Songs was written solely for the purpose of describing two people who intensely loved one another. That it provided a sort of template for what we should expect within the intimacy of marriage. And though I do believe that it demonstrates that kind of love, I also believe it shows something else as well.

Song of Songs is such a beautiful book and provides such imagery of what life and love can be within marriage, but as I’ve been reading lately, I’ve come to discover another image depicted in the words of this book.

Human love is beautiful but it will fall short. It will fail us. It will betray us and over time, if neglected will turn to ash.

Though Song of Songs speaks of the love shared between two people, it also gives us a glimpse into the way God loves us. It is with a great intensity and fierceness. It is a constant and sustainable love that never ends or gives up. And though the idea of sustained love can be used to describe human love, it is rare. But being those with human hearts, we long to be loved with such an intensity by another.

Song of Songs is a beautiful picture of Jesus and His bride. It speaks of God’s jealous, strong, fierce love for us. It describes a love that our souls long for but cannot be quenched by anything found in human relationships. This yearning is not one that can be satisfied by any other because we were created to love God and to be loved by God. He is our first love. He loved us before any other and His love will never end. And though we might not recognize His love is the love we are desperately seeking, once we discover it we are never the same ❤️

“Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, its jealousy as enduring as the grave. Love flashes like fire, the brightest kind of flame. Many waters cannot quench love, nor can rivers drown it. If a man tried to buy love with all his wealth, his offer would be utterly scorned.”

Song of Solomon 8:6-7

He is Able

2018-06-27T09:56:00.002-04:00

For the past year Ephesians 3:20 has been a significant verse in my life and one that I have clung to as a reminder that God is able to do what we cannot on our own.

This morning is the first time I have ever read this passage in this translation (The Message). I love the way “extravagant dimensions” is used to describe the love of Christ. What a beautiful picture and reminder of what we can experience when we surrender our lives and walk in step with Him. He works gently within us and does more than we could ever dream possible when we surrender our lives to Him. What an amazing reminder and invitation to open the door and invite Him into our lives ❤️

“I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you’ll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ’s love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God. God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it, not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.”

Ephesians 3:16-20
The Message

“The scripture plainly teaches that the gift of the Holy Spirit is a universal gift to all believers.… We must believe, therefore, that this unspeakable gift, which is meant to help us enter into the glorious realms of the Spirit now, is already
the possession of even the weakest and most failing child of God. It is true, whether we recognize His presence or not, whether we acknowledge and obey His control or not. He is within each of us.… The secret is that we must allow Him to take full possession. We are His sanctuary, His dwelling place, although we may not yet have opened every inward chamber of our hearts to let Him dwell therein … simply recognize the presence of God already within you, and fully submit to His ownership, and allow Him to control every circumstance.”

-Hannah Whitall Smith

The Edges of the Cross

2018-06-25T09:54:00.000-04:00

Following Jesus means dying to the desires of the flesh every single day. It means total surrender. It means acknowledging the sacrifice Jesus made upon the cross and the power that His sacrifice holds. How do we avoid this idea of a pleasant religion? How do we refrain from putting our own selfish and sinful desires before His sacrifice? It is a spiritual battle that is fought daily with God’s word and the reminder of the cross....the ultimate weapon ❤️

“Consider Christ’s ultimate weapon—His death on the cross. To the onlookers at Golgotha that day, the cross looked like a defeat. They had no way of knowing that it was the mightiest weapon ever wielded, and it was in the hand of God. In his fantastic commentary on the gospel of John, J. C. Ryle wrote,

“The form of the cross is that of a sword with the point downward; above is the hilt toward heaven, as if in the hand of God; below is the point toward earth, as if thrust through the head of the old serpent the devil.”

In the same way, our weapons don’t look threatening to human eyes, but in the spiritual realm, they are recognized as mighty. We use confession, prayer, meditation, and community alongside silence, obedience, and gratitude. Scripture teaches us that we also use forgiveness, grace, love, and mercy. And perhaps that brings us to this point—the greatest of all, the Word of God itself.”

Sheila Walsh
In the Middle of the Mess

Child of God

2018-06-20T09:36:00.000-04:00

And a sermon shared by our pastor not too long ago, he spoke about being a child of God and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. What he had to say gave me much to process as clearly there is so much more to being a child of God.

My husband and I began a new Bible study on God‘s love and the lesson for the past couple days has been on the Holy Spirit. Being a child of God is so much more than a simple prayer. It’s a daily surrender to follow Jesus and allowing the Holy Spirit to work in our life. But today’s lesson and the verses that follow really made an impact on the way in which I view my own walk and the way in which I need to take my head knowledge and allow it to absorb into my heart.

We can know a lot about God, the Bible and faith but that knowledge means nothing if we are not living out truth and walking in faith. Denying the Holy Spirit to live through us but instead attempting to live in our own strength will not get us very far. I have so much more to learn and so much more growing to do. I’m so thankful for the way in which the Holy Spirit continues to tenderly show me new things. So thankful for His unending mercies that are new every day.

“The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.”

Lamentations 3:22-23

“And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate, who will never leave you. He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth. The world cannot receive him, because it isn’t looking for him and doesn’t recognize him. But you know him, because he lives with you now and later will be in you.”

John 14:16-17

“But people who aren’t spiritual[a] can’t receive these truths from God’s Spirit. It all sounds foolish to them and they can’t understand it, for only those who are spiritual can understand what the Spirit means.”

1 Corinthians 2:14

#Churchtoo

2018-05-25T11:37:00.000-04:00

Ephesians 5:13 says, “but their evil intentions will be exposed when the light shines on them.”

For years I have been resting and trusting in this verse. For the past nine years, I’ve waited for the issue of spiritual abuse to be exposed. Especially spiritual abuse within the churches.

For me, all of these issues with Paige Patterson have hit home. I experienced Spiritual abuse first hand by my home church which sits a little over 4 miles from the seminary. In fact, many of the staff members at that church had gone to Southeastern Seminary and several faculty members attended there as well. Not to mention the countless seminary students attending the church.

The beliefs of Paige Patterson have truly helped me to understand more of what I went through and why. I sat under the leadership of men who had attended that seminary where the belief system was that women were inferior and that abuse was acceptable if it meant leading someone to Jesus. I sat under leadership that told me that I needed to submit more, pray more, read my Bible more, and have more sex because what was happening (the abuse) was my fault. And because they were my leaders, I did exactly what they said. Even at the expense of feeling like a prostitute. A feeling that I shared with the leaders because I couldn’t understand why I was supposed to be intimate with someone who dishonored me in many ways.

I was under the leadership of men who threw their weight around and used scripture to control me. Men who instead of helping me, accused me of adultery because that was easier. Men who told me that God didn’t communicate with me because I didn’t go to seminary and because I was a woman. Men who stood in my home and yelled at my mother telling her to shut up when she tried to speak up at the pastor who was in my face yelling. A leader who claimed that his yelling was a form of righteous anger making it okay. Leaders who after threatening me with a letter of discipline if I did not do what they said then followed me to the new church I was attending to tell them that I was an adulterer and liar. Leaders who told all of those in my circle that I was in a whirlpool of sin and they were no longer to associate with me. Leaders who sent me a letter saying if I ever stepped foot on the church property again, the police would be called. (That in and of itself is a whole other story.)

I was abandoned, belittled, shamed, and tossed aside. I was made to feel like I had done something wrong. I had no support from the church that I had served in for almost 10 years. A church that I had given so much of my time to faithfully. I was left feeling rejected and shamed and in the end, made the decision to leave the church altogether. For me, if this is who God was, if He found the way I was being treated to be acceptable and He viewed me this way...as having no value or worth other than an instrument of leading somebody else to Jesus at the expense of my safety and health…then I didn’t want anything else to do with God or the church.

Like many others, I have patiently waited for this day to come when God would expose the darkness hidden in so many churches. The darkness of pride. Men who find it necessary to demean women and use the gospel to do so.

But again, all of this information that has come about regarding Paige Patterson has helped me to better understand the sinfulness of man. To understand why this happened to me and many others. It doesn’t make the hurt go away but it helps to validate the experience we each had and to know it wasn’t our fault. That these men believe these things. That God had given them some kind of priveledge that I was not granted. They were made to believe that God would never speak to me because I was a woman. Because I did not go to seminary.

When I look back on it now it is completely ridiculous. It’s completely ridiculous that I ever allowed a man to make me feel such rejection and shame. It’s ridiculous because now I understand scripture. Because now I understand truth. Because now, after living in the dark for so long under the teaching of men that have been taught wrong, God showed me the light. Because now I know how Jesus viewed women. That Jesus chose the woman at the well to share with her whole town about who He was. That it was at Simon’s house where He praised the woman who sat at His feet and washed them with her tears. That he stood by the woman being accused of adultery and instead of accusing her, pointed the finger back at her accusers. Now I look back and feel sadness for these men because I understand the accountability that now falls upon their shoulders.

Over the last few years God has revealed countless other women who were a part of that church who were treated the exact same way. I was not alone. And there are moments when that leaves me feeling relieved because then I know I’m not alone however it creates so much sadness in my heart to think of the countless other women who have had to walk that road like I did. Someday these men will be held accountable for the harm that they caused. That they had a responsibility as leaders, as godly leaders to defend and protect those being oppressed and instead chose not to.

Anyone who knows me knows I am not one to take revenge. I truly believe that vengeance belongs to God. And in many of my life situations I’ve done my best to react with grace and wait for God to right the wrong that has been done. I believe that time has come. And I believe that someday, if it hasn’t happened already, those men who hurt me and many others, will be held accountable for the choices they made and the way they used their power and scripture to abuse women.

Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you're honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the scriptures say, "I will take revenge; I will pay them back," says the Lord.

Romans 12:17- 19

Disclaimer... This is not just an issue of Southern Baptist churches. Spiritual abuse occurs across multiple denominations from Episcopalian to Southern Baptist. Scripture is used continuously to bully and control individuals. It does not matter your denomination, your race, your gender or what translation of the Bible you use...I believe it occurs because of the sinfulness of man and the power of pride.

Pursuit

2018-05-24T12:43:00.000-04:00

https://fiercemarriage.com/

About a month ago I stumbled upon this book set on Facebook and decided to order it. For the past 27 days Matthew and I have been working through these books and they are a game changer.

I’m not typically one to get on and endorse a certain book or form of counseling, however… Matthew and I spent a year in counseling that left us more confused than when we started but these books and what they are teaching us are doing something that counseling could not.

If you have been following us for the past year you know we have been struggling. Between a brain injury that has created a new norm in our home and our inability to figure out how to navigate the new norm we had just about lost hope.

In December, if you came to our vow renewal, you heard Matthew talk about how we like to keep things real. We are two people who are crazy in love with each other but we struggle. Granted our real struggles did not truly begin until after Matthew’s accident but our struggles have been great and oftentimes felt impossible. Our hope in sharing and being transparent has been that of wanting to help others who might be losing hope. We both came from difficult marriages and learned a lot from those marriages. We’ve come to truly appreciate our marriage and what we have and how blessed we are to have it. We want people to know that marriage isn’t easy. Life can make it even more difficult. For us when one of you deals with anxiety and CPTSD from an abusive marriage and the other a brain injury from an accident…you’re almost destined to fail. But that is where these books have come in to play.

I grew up surrounded by a lot of good people and saw a lot of good marriages. However what I have learned from this book in the last month has been life-changing for me. There was a lot I didn’t see growing up. It has taught me to be more selfless. It has taught me to be a different kind of wife than I was before. It’s taught me that I can change the atmosphere of my marriage by loving like Jesus. What a concept!

Matthew and I have not really struggled with typical marriage issues. We’ve been one another’s best friend from the get go, and have never really argued about spending time together, intimacy, or had issues over money. Instead we were hit by an event we had no control over which changed our lives drastically. We’ve had to learn how to relate to each other in a whole new way. It is been a lot of hard work. There has been a lot of tears shed. But imagine my surprise when I began going through this book, which pointed me to Jesus first and my husband second, that changed everything! Each day the book begins with a new day that points us to Jesus first and then gives us practical advice for marriage, and then a fun, serious or romantic (selfless) challenge for us to complete each day for one another.

We have enjoyed going through this book so much that we decided to go through it again when we finish because we are continuing to work at making our marriage better. And because each day is a great reminder of the place we hold in the life of the other and the responsibility we have as wife and husband.

I don’t know where you are in your marriage. I don’t know if everything’s great or if you’re looking at everybody else’s marriage wishing you had one like that. Either way.... this book opens new doors because it points to Jesus and He is a life-changer!

I know we still have a ways to go and things to work out. Things are not perfect but they are progressing. It truly is amazing what can be accomplished when we turn things over and trust God‘s hand instead of our own.

If you’re interested in purchasing these books please visit this website https://fiercemarriage.com/.

Desires, Dreams And Disappointments

2018-05-09T10:01:00.000-04:00

A year ago Matthew and I decided to turn off phones, and put away social media for an entire month. We decided to totally focus on nothing but God, our marriage and working to restore what had been broken. Ephesians 3:20 was the verse God gave us as we were choosing to place our trust in Him and that He could do far more than we were able to ask or think of Him. It was a difficult time. A difficult 30 days. We had people who didn’t understand what we were doing and we had those who totally supported us, who prayed with us, who sent scripture or prayers. It was a battle but it was a time where our faith (and our marriage) was tested.

It’s been a year since that challenge and I would like to say that everything is better…but they are not. There have been many disappointments but there have also been a lot of happy moments.

That month taught me a lot about my marriage, about myself, and about the people we surround ourselves with. A year later we are still working through challenges. Right now we are, much like last year, are working to trust God through the unknowns. And right now we’re doing a study and going through a book together which is supposed to draw us closer to God which then draws us closer to one another. It hasn’t been easy. I often feel like giving up, but as usual, God shows up.

Today’s reading in our devotional is from Psalm 37:4-5. It talks about delighting yourself in God and God giving you the desires of your heart. These past two years have been incredibly difficult. My hearts desire has been to have my husband back. To wish away an accident that feels as if it took him from me. To undo the hurt and damage that it has caused. But I’m slowly realizing that maybe God has something different in store.

“What does it mean to “delight yourself in the Lord?” How exactly will “He give you the desires of your heart?” The first part is more intuitive: delighting in the Lord simply means loving Him more than anything or anyone. The second question isn’t as easy to answer, but let’s try.

When we delight ourselves in God, He occupies His correct place in our lives as King, Savior, and Provider. Absolutely nothing matters more than He does, and when that’s the case, we only want what God wants. His sovereign desires overtake our fleshly desires- they’re instilled deep in our hearts and radiate outward into tangible action. God’s act of giving us the desires of our hearts involves Him graciously redefining what we care about as He transforms our hearts from the inside out. Then, as our will aligns with His will, our desires are fulfilled.

Pursuing the dreams and desires God has placed in your heart as a married couple can be a beautiful journey of learning how to trust God. When we rest in the knowledge that He is more than able to do far more than we ask or think (Ephesians 3:20) our vision is big but our burden is light. He will never disappoint. We need only stay the course and walk and live securely in Him, all the while trusting in His divine plan more than our own.”

-Selena Frederick

Wife in Pursuit

This time last year I was praying and asking God to teach me how to know Him in a new way. To trust Him to do things that I never thought possible. To become my everything. And this morning as I read from the (excerpt) devotion above, my heart was convicted all over again.

Sometimes God allows bad things to happen so that we can find and experience Him in ways that we never thought possible. That in our brokenheartedness we get to know Him in ways we never thought possible. It’s also the realization that sometimes we don’t realize how much we need Him until we have been broken or crushed. But God knows. He knows just what we need, and even though it might hurt, He’s willing to allow what needs to be done in order for us to truly have the desires of our heart.

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires.

- Psalm 37:4

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

- Psalm 34:18

Lose my worries in Your love

2018-04-11T11:16:00.001-04:00

Last night with face to the floor and tears streaming down my face I spent half an hour crying out to God. Searching for Him in the darkness and asking for Him to reveal Himself in ways I’ve never experienced. I had reached a place of total brokenness with the realization that there is nothing I need but Him. His perfect love. His perfect peace. His comfort. His arms.

As I sat on the bathroom floor I prayed for His presence. I prayed that the Holy Spirit would fill me completely. That there would be nothing left of me. That He would strip every piece of me away and replace it with His love, His grace and His peace. This morning as I was sitting at my desk at work I texted my daughter. Moments later she responded to my text and then followed it up with this text with another song I needed to hear.

Here in the presence

Elevation Worship

Here I Lay My burdens down

Lose my worries in Your love

Casting every care on You

I have carried them enough

We are not alone

Here within His love

Emmanuel

He is still with us

When the world becomes too much

Near The Cross I will remain

Until every fear is stilled

At The Mention Of Your Name

Tired of running, running

Be still and know He's in control

Here in the presence of the Lord

Pour out your heart before Him

Open your arms He'll hold you now

Here in the presence of the Lord

What an amazing morning! God could not have shown up in any bigger way than through my daughter. He totally made Himself known to me and for the first time in a long time, I feel like He heard my cry.

Sometimes we pray and ask God for something specific and we don’t always get an answer. Or sometimes we can’t hear His voice through the chaos. And then other times, like this morning, He makes His presence known and let’s you know He hears your cry.

There is nothing greater than knowing you are in the center of God’s will for your life. There is peace in the darkest valleys when you know He is with you. I’ve been missing that. Had somehow wandered away but each day I am learning all over again how to walk in those valleys and to trust His hand and voice to guide me.

Whatever His plan, whatever darkness may come, we can always have hope. We can know that He will never leave us and will always be there to guide us through the valley.

When you go through deep waters,

I will be with you.

When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown.

When you walk through the fire of oppression,

you will not be burned up;

the Ffames will not consume you.

Isaiah 43:2

A Faith Crisis

2018-04-06T10:02:00.002-04:00

Almost two months ago, I declared to my husband that I was finished with God and all this religion bologna. I was angry and hurt and for me, God was the reason for all my pain.

I had just sat through another Sunday sermon listening to a pastor go on and on about how we should read the Bible, be a part of a community of believers, go to church and pray daily. I had spent the past two years doing these things fervently but to no avail was anything happening. My life and marriage was crumbling around me and I was done!

That afternoon I shared with my husband that I could no longer put my “trust” in this “God stuff.” I could no longer trust that some great purpose existed in all the pain I was experiencing. Instead I professed all the religion stuff as nonsense and vowed to figure out on my own what came next in my life.

But God had other plans. Funny how He works that way.

It all started with one line from a song we happened to sing that morning in the church service when I decided I was done with church. We sang the song Remember and for whatever reason…I could not get the line “All through the struggle, and darkest days, I’ll remember the empty grave.” Those words played on repeat in my head. The more I attempted to push them away, the stronger I could hear them. Frustration set deep within. And then two days after that sermon, one of my closest friends sent a text suggesting we do a study on fear and anxiety together. I didn’t have the heart to tell her just yet that I was done with this religion stuff and ignored her text. But two days later, after days of that song ringing through my head and on Valentines Day, I sent her a text that simply said, “I’m in.” Even in this moment, I’m uncertain as to why I agreed. I just remember picking up my phone and typing the words.

Two days after Valentine’s Day, my husband and I set out on different “vacations.” It was the first time ever we took separate trips. Even against the advice of our counselor who had told us months before that she did not recommend such action in the state in which our marriage stood, we did it anyway. And what a mess we created. By the time I returned home, I felt completely broken, hopeless and even more distant. I was certain our marriage had finally seen its last days.

Ten days from the day we had set out on our “vacations,” the study began. A few days prior to beginning this study, as a last ditch effort, I asked my husband if we would do the study with me and he agreed. I need to add that this wasn’t your normal Bible study. This particular study is one in which you are given a passage daily and pretty much break it down into your observation and application of the passage. So each day we were looking at a passage of scripture and really meditating on what it had to say. The first few days I struggled to read the passage and even more to put pen to paper. As for my husband, he didn’t even do the first couple of days. I was discouraged. I felt like I was wasting my time. But as the week came to a close, my heart was beginning to soften and my husband had completed the weeks worth of passages.

Over the course of the last six weeks, our marriage has been tested. But God has pursued us both. Over the course of the last six weeks, we have wanted to give up, but God has shown up. We have seen Him through a passage of scripture we were given in the study deal with us right in that moment and then realize God knew in that moment we would need the reminder. And we have been totally overwhelmed by His sovereignty as the passages from our study lined up directly with a book by Max Lucado we are reading together. God has not left us alone to figure this out but instead made Himself known, reminding us that He is holding us in His hands and close to His heart.

Today is the final day of this study and what a whirlwind the last six weeks have been. Through the enormous stressors of trying to move, completing school work and caring for my family, life has been a ridiculous roller coaster. Emotions have been high, anxiety deep and patience tested. But we have prevailed. The last six weeks have been a transformation of sorts. God has clearly been working in my heart and the heart of my husband. Priorities have shifted. Attitudes and hearts have softened. Forgiveness and grace extended. The realization that we have been given a “thorn in the flesh” so that we learn the sufficiency of God’s grace has brought humility. We together have grown closer to one another and closer to God because we do not have all the answers.

Today our last passage for this study was Proverbs 3:5-8. It is one of the very first passages (Proverbs 3:5-6) that I had my kids memorize when they were little. It holds such a place of significance in my life and could not have revealed God to me in any greater way this morning as I read it.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.

Proverbs 3:5-6

There is a worship song my daughter introduced to me months ago that I have listened to countless times over the course of the last few months. It is called Reckless Love. And the chorus says…

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God

Oh, it chases me down, fights til I'm found, leaves the 99
I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, you give yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, Reckless Love of God

And that is exactly where I am. Found! He chased me down, and as the tears stream down my face while I type these words, I know I couldn’t earn or even deserve His love but I am so incredibly thankful for His reckless love and the way He has fought for me and my marriage!

The Stranger and A Soulmate

2018-01-25T09:13:00.001-05:00

Last night I left the house to pick up my son from work with tears streaming down my face and sobs drowning out the sound of the radio. I was just tired. Tired of life. Tired of pain. Tired of the ongoing frustrations and disappointments that continue to come that can't be controled.

As I pulled up to a stop light, I could barely contain the flood of tears. I put my head down on the steering wheel and waited for the light to turn green. A few minutes later, as I pulled up in front of the movie theater to pick up my son, I was startled when I heard a tap at my window. I turned to find a woman staring at me.

As I rolled down the window, she looked at me and asked if I was okay and if there was anything she could do for me. I had no clue where she had come from but I looked at her and said no but thank you. I explained to her that life is simply hard at the moment. That there's really not much that can be done other than simply taking one step at a time. She in turn looked at me and said, "just know that you are loved and I will be praying for you." With that she walked away.

I don't know who she was or if I will ever see her again on this side of Heaven, but in that moment I was convinced that she was a Divine appointment. A moment of God making Himself known and reminding me that I'm never alone.

My husband and I have been reading through the book, Facing the Giants by Max Lucado and just yesterday the chapter we read was on Jonathan and David. It talked about the idea of a soulmate and the way God provided us a soulmate through Jesus. That He's always there for us, will never disappoint or hurt us but will love us and walk with us through the most difficult times.

I couldn't help but think that maybe that woman was a reminder that no matter how hard life is Jesus is always right there. And that even in the midst of tremendous hurt or trials He is still there creating something good for His glory in the most beautiful of ways!

Daylight

2017-12-29T10:44:00.001-05:00

The screams. The threats. The insults. Each one pierces our heart leaving our heart shattered and broken. The sting of betrayal that flows so easily from the lips that once confessed an undying love perpetuates an ongoing battle to understand love.

Why are we so unworthy of being loved? What is so wrong with us that respect can’t be granted? What have we done that has earned us this kind of treatment to the one we’ve given our heart?

The tears stream. The cries and sobs continue through the night as we lay in the darkness searching for the smallest glimpse of daylight.

How did we get here? The questions flood our mind. Are you angry with us God? What can we do differently to make it end? How do we make him happy? How do we make him love us? How do we make it stop?

But before our questions go any further, daylight comes. There is a voice, a soft whisper. It is a voice so kind, so gentle yet so overwhelming that it shakes us to our very core. A voice that shouts love with reassurance and hope. A voice that reminds us of our worth and purpose. A voice that has claimed us and protects us. A voice that brings justice and truth to the broken and discarded. A voice that draws us in and quiets our hurting hearts. It is a voice that sings over us with great amounts of love and acceptance. A voice that quiets our fears and gives us the strength to press on and stand tall. This voice claims us as His own, His daughter, His treasure. We may not be seen or treated that way by some but the God of the universe loves us, has claimed us, redeemed us and called us by name. And it is His love alone that will heal and comfort our broken hearts and envelop us in peace!

For the Lord your God is living among you.

He is a mighty savior.

He will take delight in you with gladness.

With his love, he will calm all your fears.[a]

He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”

Zephaniah 3:17

Not my plan...but His.

2017-10-24T17:05:00.000-04:00

Disclaimer: This post is based solely on my life experience. This is my perspective from what I knew and witnessed. This will not be the experience of every individual living in the sales world but this was mine and God has used this experience to reveal Himself to me by choosing this particular avenue as a means to shift my perspective.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts”, says the Lord.

“And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.ft

For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so my ways are higher than your ways and

my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:8-9

I spent years in the sales world. It is a business that I do not care much for and struggle to accept. A few months ago, when my husband quit his job to start a sales job, I felt hopeless and angry. It was a world I did not want to reenter. After twenty years spent in that world, a world of numbers, dollars signs, crazy hours, dishonesty and manipulation all at the expense of family and integrity, I did not want to go back.

This was not the plan I had in mind. I did not understand why it felt like God, once again, had let me down and left me alone. I was struggling. Life was already hard, and it was as if He continued to pile on the difficult faster than I could even wrap my head around what was happening. But as usual, He knew what He was doing and as I sat back and patiently tried waiting to see where He was going to take me, I found myself filled with delight.

Life does not ever go as planned. Ever. And I am learning that my plans are truly less than spectacular compared to the faithfulness that arises out of the goodness that comes from trusting God’s plan. His ways are much greater because He is so much wiser. If I trust Him to unwind the obstacles of life instead of trying to unravel the ball of yarn myself, what He will create is far beyond anything I could possibly put together on my own.

Over the last few weeks, I have seen God use my husband to change my perspective and show me the opportunities that are available to serve and act with integrity. As my husband has put his faith into action before the dollar sign and the numbers game, I have watched him walk out his faith by sitting down with a young woman lost in addiction to share the gospel and buying her a bible instead of pushing a sale. I have watched him choose to put his family, his marriage first by choosing not to work weekends and to be home every day when I get home from work at the expense of not getting that extra appointment. By sitting with me in an emergency room and taking care of me all day on a day when his plans were to work. To watch him make our marriage his priority and through that choice, seeing God bless his work while strengthening a marriage that was weak and imploding under the crushing weight of difficult circumstances has allowed for a complete perspective change.

Knowing that each day, my husband prays for someone to share the gospel with and looks for ways to be the hands and feet of Jesus which means not always getting “the numbers” inspires me. Striving to fulfill big worldly dreams isn't at the top of our priority list. Because of our life experiences, our hearts are set toward people and sharing the hope that we have found in Jesus by offering encouragement and love to those God places in our path. It is an incredible thing to witness my husband do that daily and through it, God blessing us by providing all we need while strengthening our home and our marriage. However, I will add, that it does not mean we are free of struggles but it does mean we are becoming stronger together to overcome those struggles.

Little did I know how different this world, the sales world, could be. By simply making God the first priority and our marriage a priority before a job, and realizing it is more important to share the gospel than to sell something, everything is falling into place. Little by little, we are figuring this life out together. Learning the importance of trusting God’s goodness when we do not always understand His plan. There is definitely a learning curve, but He is gracious and kind and continues to draw us to Him as we seek Him above the distractions of this world. Trusting God’s plan is not always easy but His plan never fails.