Let Me Go On and On...

Sobering

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 16:52:11 PST

Without a doubt, it’s hard to see a loved one sick, and even harder to watch someone facing a terminal illness with a potential expiration date. My family has to excuse me for writing about this, I know they are a bit more private than I can ever be, but this is my outlet and perhaps my writing can help someone else going through similar situations. Last Sunday, Madelene’s family and my family got together for dinner. We had a great time and dad seemed to be doing okay for the most part. I noticed that my father wasn’t eating very much, however when I made coffee and put the desserts out which Mad’s mom brought over from this incredible bakery, he began to eat more. He livened up with some coffee and a bit of Puerto Rican anisette. (We all did actually.) Dad was happy, talking & laughing with everyone. Later on that evening, mom calls me and tells me to call 911 and come down ‘cause dad was sick again. Dad was disoriented - didn’t even know who we were. Mad helped him walk over into the living room where the ambulance would check his vitals and then cart him off onto a gurney into the ambulance. He had congestive heart failure...again. On top of that, he got another infection in his blood due to his kidneys not draining properly. On top of that... his cancer spread.

Yesterday mom & I drove up to the hospital to spend the day with him. We all know the truth, but we try to keep dad’s spirits uplifted. We try to give him hope, because we don’t rely on a doctor’s “time frame” - we rely on God’s time frame. Fifteen years ago, dad was rushed to the hospital for congestive heart failure. He was given two months to live. Yep - fifteen years ago. Amazing. The doctor put the fear of God into my dad and the rest of the family constantly keeping one eye on him not knowing ‘when’ - and yet my dad was healthier than an ox. Well, a female doctor walked into my dad’s room yesterday while my mom was sitting across from him, as he was sitting upright in a big reclining chair eating his lunch. She sat down, asked how everyone was and then begun to say the most sobering things ever imaginable. I can’t remember everything word-for-word, but basically she asked, “Are you prepared to die?” She went on to say that it’s important for his last days with hospice to do all the things he wants to before his expiration date. She also asked, “Do you want a DNR and can we put a feeding tube in you when you do become sicker, because the cancer is going to take over.” As he chewed the last bite of his chicken salad sandwich, I saw tears welling up in both my parents’ eyes. He started banging on his chair in frustration, asking, “I’m gonna die? I’m gonna die? When am I gonna die?” My mom’s eyes widened bigger than I ever saw them, and if possible, they turned completely black - I can’t explain it. She then said, “We will talk. about. that. amongst. ourselves,” in such an angry tone that I've never heard from her before.

The female doctor kept on though. “Well it’s important to make these types of preparations for the family.” I chimed in and told her that we had a proxy and that the family will discuss this together, as the previous doctor wanted to do. Mom said, “We want to give him hope and he’s gonna be just fine.” The doctor replied, “Since chemo is no longer an option, the cancer will take over, so this is reality.” I then asked if I could talk with her alone so I could take her out of the room. I explained that we all know what’s happening and we all know the reality - but we’re trying to give him some happiness, some hope, some faith that there are miracles because in the past, he was giving a sentence for his life and that never happened. I asked if she could just speak to the family together without my dad so we can be the ones to help him through this. She also indicated that it was her legal obligation to talk to the patient about his impending 'doomsday'. Seriously? I mean, isn’t it better for the mind and spirit to help someone who has cancer to give them hope till their very last day? Isn’t it okay to have faith that he WILL beat this cancer --- even if he doesn’t --- can’t we have a tiny bit of positivity and see dad smile for now? When I came back inside the room, mom wanted to go downstairs for some coffee and we talked about it. She was pissed off beyond belief. I reminded her about the idiot doctor from fifteen years ago, and she cracked a smile through her tears. When we came back to dad’s room, (thankfully he forgets a lot these days), he said, “The doctor came in (an infectious disease doctor) and said that he can cure me!” (The doctor meant he can cure the infection only.) Dad smiled and we were just glad his spirits were lifted. “What does that stupid nurse or whoever she was know anyway?” We laughed and the day was pretty much full of joking around and relief...(to a degree.)

Aside from all that, Madelene asked me something that morning that kind of stuck with me. She said, “Do you think we should have had my mother and all of us lay hands on your father and pray for him?” I immediately said, “Sounds nice but I think my father would feel a bit weird.” Although I want that, not sure how comfy dad would be with the ‘religious’ stuff. He believes in God and has been talking more about it lately, but not enough to get into the full-fledge ‘laying hands on’ type of praying for him. As I was sitting in the room with dad later on that afternoon, I was reading my Bible on my iPad. Strange, because it opened up to a passage that said, “Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord.And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” ~(James 5:14-16) I prayed about it in my mind and asked God, “How am I going to get a “righteous person” to come in here and pray over him?" And right when I looked up from my iPad, a priest came walking in and asked if it was okay to pray over him. He said such a beautiful prayer and asked God to take away his sins in Christ’s name. I wanted to cry right there because I knew, that without a doubt, that it was from God.

You know, many people doubted his ability to maintain a healthy life. Many people, this includes some extended family members, friends and others who saw him chain smoke, eat whatever he wanted and lived his life the way he wanted to - they all said he wouldn’t live past fifty. Most doubted his health, meanwhile having low cholesterol and perfect blood pressure most of the time. He beat the odds. He outlived many people who were even younger than he was - this including his own brother who died at the age of 31 from a heart attack. He outlived most of his friends and basically proved everyone wrong. The one thing that got him was the one thing no one ever suspected: cancer. I’m proud of dad for living the way he wanted to. He was always happy, resilient, and positive. He’s 74 years old. He’s lived longer than most who have lived a “healthy lifestyle”. I feel fortunate to have had him this long and will feel even more fortunate if God blesses him with another few years. My family is strong, we’ll get through this and whatever is in God’s will is the verdict - not the doctor’s. I believe in miracles and I also believe in reality. Without a positive outlook, some uplifting words of encouragement, how are you supposed to give someone the strength or the will to keep pushing forward? What this female doctor said almost made him want to give up. What she did was disgusting - yes it was reality - but she said such grim things and he visualized it to the detail she had given it. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he should be given doses of “reality” - but he already knows and sometimes, yes he forgets and thinks he’s going to be cured. But God is the only one that really knows that and God is the only one who can really do that. Now that’s my reality on it. If he can do all things with the strength of God - then why would we ever doubt God’s ability? I still have faith.

I will be in the hospital and helping the family most of the week, so I may not update as much. feel free to leave your thoughts in the comment section. I will always be updating my Twitter account since it's the easiest for me. And if possible, would you all please say a few prayers for my dad?

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com

Control Freak

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 07:24:37 PST

My wife told me this story about when she was a little girl, probably 3 or 4 years of age, she was at this petting zoo and she fell in love with these baby chicks. They were under heating lamps in a huge bin - probably a ton of them all chirping and hopping around. She asked her mom if she could hold one. When she was given the baby chick, she held on to it so tightly, that she suffocated the poor thing. She didn’t want to let it go. She cried and cried and never forgot that moment in her life. It’s true though in a proverbial sense: when you hold onto something so tightly, you’ll kill it, or in some cases, it’s like sand - it’ll slip right through your fingers. Even when we hold on tightly to “control” - the more we try to gain control, the less we have of it. That’s why it’s so important to just let go and let God. I remember a time in my life where I had to have every single thing in my life within my control. Ironically, everything in my life at that particular time was quite the opposite. Everything was way out of control, until I decided to just let it go. It was hard. When I finally did, things started to fall into place, where I originally wanted them to. We can’t control who loves us, who wants to be around us, how we want others to live, how we want others to treat us: we can only control our responses and actions. Nothing else.

Although I still have moments of being a control freak, I thankfully have the ability to come to God and meditate on it. Without the help of God, I’m a complete mess. I try to do everything myself, rely on how “I” can do it without the help of God. Reality is: I can’t do it myself. I admit to this. It doesn’t make me weak at all; it makes me stronger in my faith that I know God is in control. I read something my friend put on her Facebook status that said, “When God takes something from your grasp, He’s not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence: The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.” I read that about a hundred times until it finally sunk into my mind and heart. I don’t believe in “fate” or “destiny” - I believe in God’s will for us. His plan is so huge that we can’t even fathom it. It’s like fish comprehending algebra. The more faith we have in God - the more trust we put into Him, knowing that if we do let go, that He’ll guide us, protect us and will never give us anything we can’t handle.

The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you.”. ~Psalm 139:3

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will direct your paths.” ~Proverbs 3:5-6

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com

Let the Lying Lips Be Put to Silence

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 07:27:51 PST

There’s a fine line between love and hate when it comes to Christian beliefs. Holy wars, Christian debates, ‘what’s a sin & what’s not a sin’ type of arguments and of course, the conviction of others through “righteous judgment”. We are all sinners regardless of our perfect or less than perfect lifestyles. Even if we love God with all of our heart - God knows how messy life can be. He sees our struggles and most of all, sees our hearts. Without a messy life, we probably wouldn’t come to God for help. Through our weakness, He is our strength, as written in the Bible. We divide when we’re offended by another’s judgment. I divide when I see another Christian tearing other Christians down. No sin is greater than another. While having said that, as you’ve been reading the debates between Kimberly Kay Bowman and I, we both clearly disagree about homosexuality being a sin. Her usage of “homo” and “the hateful lesbian” (because I stick up for myself & the LGBT community), are all hurtful. It’s not constructive; it actually can shift someone who is weak away from God, instilling feelings of guilt. Guilt is the emotion Satan gives. He uses this emotion so that we flee from God. Isn’t that what these people are doing? They quotes scriptures trying to rebuke me, but I read an entirely different scripture telling me that the Old Law was abolished when Jesus died for us on the cross.

“No one can ever be made right in God’s sight by doing what his law commands. For the more we know God’s law, the clearer it becomes that we aren’t obeying it. But not God has shown us a different way of being right in his sight--not by obeying the law but by the way promised in the Scriptures long ago. We are made right in God’s sight when we trust in Jesus Christ to take away our sins. And we all can be saved in this same way, no matter who we are or what we have done. For all have sinned; all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Yet now God in his glorious kindness declares us not guilty. He has done this through Christ Jesus, who has freed us by taking away our sins. For God sent Jesus to take the punishment for our sins and to satisfy God’s anger against us. We are made right with God when we believe that Jesus shed his blood, sacrificing his life for us. God was being entirely fair and just when he did not punish those who sinned in former times. And he is entirely fair and just in this present time when he declares sinners to be right in his sight because they believe in Jesus.” ~Romans 3:20-26

That scripture above says. it. all. There is no need to break that scripture down, but of course, you know I will. Let’s say homosexuality “is” a sin. Let’s say it’s seen as an abomination even --“No one can ever be made right in God’s sight by doing what his law commands.” It also states, “Yet now God in his glorious kindness declares us not guilty.” --This applies to all people-- not just the “homos”. See, if these militant & righteous Christians truly believed that Jesus took away all sins (past and present as the scripture above points out), then they would also believe that all sinners - whatever they believe is a sin was washed away on the cross years ago. Whatever struggle a Christian faces, whether it’s addiction, porn, anger, jealousy or as some see it, homosexuality - as long as we are struggling with loving Jesus and believing that He has saved us, then we are true Christians. We can strive to be better people: not to hurt one another, to treat people the best we can, to give generously, to keep the peace with one another and to love God with all our hearts. That’s all we need. Without the faith of acknowledging Jesus’ sacrifice, then what kind of Christian would that be? Don’t they have enough faith to believe that what He has done was “good enough”? They continue to argue over what’s “godless” and “unholy” and even reference themselves as “saints”.

Years ago I battled with Dani Kekoa, as you know. We went through the homosexuality debate one million & one times and of course, her usage of “homo” and “dyke” were a bit crass at times...(ok all the time.) She was apart of a cult she had no clue she was in. I even told her over the phone while we were talking that it sounded “cultish” and that I truly believe she was being brainwashed in many areas. Years later (recently) she made a public apology and of course, I accepted it. Although we both still see homosexuality differently, we have both put aside our differences. What’s ironic is, Pastor Bob Enyart from the Denver Bible Church promoted divorce, which is also believed as a sin in the Bible. While Kimberly Kay was ‘convicting’ me for my lifestyle, having been apart of the Denver Bible Church, she never admits to being an “adulteress”. She has been remarried while her ex-husband is still alive.

“Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.” ~Mark 10:11-12

Hypocritical? I think so. It’s easy to judge other people without looking at your own sins. It’s very comforting to believe that ‘this one’ is going to hell and that you’ll be a saint judging them. In fact, in one of my comment sections, one of Kimberly’s minions wrote, “Kimberly is a saint, God will have His saints judge the world.” ...Really? So my only hope of getting into heaven is going up to the pearly gates and hoping that Kimberly Kay will let me in? Now that’s some heavy duty brainwashing if I ever saw it. That’s some mighty position she has over the entire world. I wonder how much of a saint she’ll be considered since she is technically “still sinning”, according to the standards of your beliefs? I wonder what these people think of the passage from Mark 10:11-12 about Kimberly being an adulteress? Does that scripture get plucked out while all the ones about homosexuality get emphasized?

So my message to Kimberly is this: While you're dining out with your new husband over a shrimp cocktail appetizer and a lobster entree, enjoy the conversation about “homos” and how hateful we are. While you continue to lie (and get caught) to me as well as your own family, remember that all things will be revealed one day. Yours were revealed much sooner than expected.

“God blesses you when you are mocked and persecuted and lied about because you are my followers. Be happy about it! Be very glad! For a great reward awaits you in heaven. And remember, the ancient prophets were persecuted, too.” ~Matthew 5:11-12

You might want to read 1 Corinthians 13 which states: "If I talk religiosity but without love, I just sound like a gong, a meaningless sound."

Psalms 31:18 says exactly what I would: “Let the lying lips be put to silence.”

Comments will be accepted by those who log in with their account or leave a valid name. There were too many “anonymous” comments that went under the same ip address, to which another “anonymous” pointed out that it was Kimerly Kay’s husband, Scott Bowman. --(Nice to meet you by the way, Mr. Bowman.)

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com

Christian Hatred

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 07:15:33 PST

This is the face of intolerance. This is the face that teaches hatred towards anyone who is gay or lesbian. This is also the face who has children, to which I can only assume teaches zero tolerance for homosexuals. Parents need to understand that their children look up to them. They believe them. They're the only truth they have. Teaching children to have hatred, intolerance and giving false information about gays, lesbians and transgender people is not “Christian-like”. It’s your fear that teaches them these things; your fear that perhaps your child may grow up to be gay or lesbian, or worse yet, “tolerate” those who are. When you teach your kids that it’s okay to tease those who are homosexual & call them "homos", you’re also teaching them to kill. Maybe they’re not killing them with their own hands, but they’re killing them with mere words. Words can hurt more than a physical beating sometimes. And for Jamey Rodemeyer, it “didn’t get better” for him, as he states in this video. In fact, he killed himself over what other kids said to him. In my opinion, it’s not the kids at fault, I’m blaming parents like Kimberly Kay.

Remember Jonah Mowry? The kid who posted this next video?

He was called, “Gay”, “Fag”, “Dick”, “Douche”, “Homo”, “Asshole” by his schoolmates. He’s still alive luckily, but he still has a way to go to get through school. While sobbing through his message, holding up cue cards to show people how hurt he was over these vicious attacks, he lets people know that he’s not going anywhere. (Thank God!) He most likely has a good support system, a wonderful family who loves him and teaches him right, which makes him able to move forward. If you can truly look at this video without wiping a tear, I give you credit. I would never want to see any kid or adult hurt like this.

So Kimberly, you have no tolerance for homosexuals? Well I have zero tolerance for Christian hatred. I have zero tolerance for bullying. I have zero tolerance for those who are hypocritical in their lives. I have zero tolerance for people who protest outside of abortion clinics holding up vicious signs, while having the history of having an abortion themselves. You should be more compassionate to those who suffered the same as you did. You know that pain all too well. You should let God be the only judge. Just as a former drug addict cannot bash those who are doing drugs - they can only help and guide them without judgement. Show more love towards the people who went through what you did. Set an example for your children so they don't grow up and attack innocent people for no good reason other than their brought up hatred. Humble yourself and remember, everyone falls short. No one is perfect. I hope with your "zero tolerance" mindset, that God won't have zero tolerance for you when you finally get to meet Him face-to-face.

“Accept Christians (or people of other religions) who are weak in faith, and don’t argue with them about what they think is right or wrong. For instance, one person believes it is all right to eat anything. But another believer who has a sensitive conscience will eat only vegetables. Those who think it is all right to eat anything must not look down on those who won’t. And those who won’t eat certain foods must not condemn those who do, for God has accepted them. Who are you to condemn God’s servants? They are responsible to the Lord, so let him tell them whether they are right or wrong. The Lord’s power will help them do as they should. In the same way, some think one day is more holy than another day, while others think every day is alike. Each person should have a personal conviction about this matter.” ~Romans 14:1-5

“Stop judging others, and you will not be judged. For others will treat you as you treat them. Whatever measure you use in judging others, it will be used to measure how you are judged. And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log from your own eye; then perhaps you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye." ~Matthew 7:1-5

(If you want to read more info on why I'm writing about Kimberly Kay, you can click here to see my previous post.)

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com

Throwing Stones: Kimberly Kay

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 09:30:16 PST

More often than not, many of my readers saw the bitterness and rage that went into religion, mostly due to the many Christian debates regarding homosexuality vs. religion. Some would email me on the side or make public comments asking me “why” I would defend myself against people who were so very hateful and had words to only tear down somebody’s spirit, not to edify or encourage them as true Christians would. They would call it “righteous judgment” and explain that since I was living such a sinful life by having a loving partner of many years, that I was going straight to hell and that I should give up this “filthy lifestyle” and repent. While focusing very closely on my life, I started to realize that it wasn’t me who was hurting and feeling all sorts of guilt and shame, but it was the very ones who attacked me so viciously. Even when they threw scriptures at me, I’d show them scriptures to counteract it. The Bible is very complex, misinterpreted and also, misunderstood most of the time. Each and every scripture was not talking about the act of homosexuality, but the immorality of all people. And of course, Jesus says nothing in the New Testament about homosexuality ---at all. I remember my battles with Dani Kekoa. She once said to me, “Either stop being a lesbian or stop being Christian. You can’t be both.” If she was going to tell people to stop being Christian because of their “so called sin” - or even if it was a sin - then she is turning people away from God which is the biggest sin of all. However, luckily she realized this...or has she?

Curtis and Dani Kekoa were apart of the Denver Bible Church, to which Bob Enyart, a convicted child beater is the pastor for that congregation. All three of them bashed me so viciously on their radio show and called me such awful and hateful things. Why not focus on murderers, rapists or pedophiles? The thing is: they all compared me to a murderer, a rapist and a pedophile. I was “just as bad” in their eyes. I was asked by Dani to take down my book, A Prayer Away From Healing, and in turn, she would take me into her home and let me meet “a nice boy from the church.” I thanked her and then declined the generous offer, as she made it to another girl across the globe who did just that. Thing is, Dani and I got along well when we weren’t arguing about homosexuality. We spoke over the phone and I felt the human element; I heard a really nice person and not the angry Christian rebuking me 24/7. She had a wonderful sense of humor, she’s obviously very intelligent (on paper as well as verbally) and very pleasant to talk to. And I think she got to see another side of me too - a less defensive side to which she couldn’t “fight” with. I’ll never forget hanging up the phone, looking at my wife and saying, “Wow, she’s so not what I expected. She’s really a nice woman.” I don’t mean any disrespect by that, but sometimes when we get so caught up in misconstrued text, we can elevate it to a higher level of tension.

In a public apology made to me by Dani Kekoa, on February 9th, after finding out The Denver Bible Church was indeed a cult, she states on her blog:

“To begin, it would only be right to *set the record straight* (no pun intended), by publicly confessing my wrongdoings and openly apologizing to many bloggers whom I offended in Christ’s Name, but particularly, I want to apologize to Deb for how I mistreated her. If you once followed our blogs back in the day, you are all too aware of the "Constant Controversy" surrounding our posts as we became cyber enemies for years in a fierce battle of “Who's Truth?” as I tried to pound it into her soul and convince her that all “Sexual Immorality” is a sin according to God, while she battled right back and asked, “Is Homosexuality a Perversion?” While I may have been Biblically correct in moral principal, without wholesome words or sincere brotherly love, the message of Truth I delivered was tainted because of my quarrelsome conduct much of the time.

Over the past five years as I slowly vanished from the bloggerville to switch gears in life and refocus my priorities on family, Deb would frequently enter my mind as she always held a special place in my heart, and I knew deep-down that our paths would cross again one day. Well, that day has come much sooner than expected, which is a good thing. As I have grown and matured in the Lord, and distanced myself from Enyart’s ill-ethics, I have come to realize that my harsh approach and haughty spirit aimed high at not being “Nicer than God,” quickly degraded down to the low level of being way “Meaner than God” would ever dream to be. There was a lot of computer courage and cyber-bullying going on back then, but that's not who I am as a person, thanks to the Lord for changing my mind and softening my heart towards "sinners." And a special thanks in part to Deb, for the prayer she offered up to God on my behalf way back then in this post: "Love Your Enemies". (Of course, I do not consider Deb my enemy, never really did, and I would have her over for dinner & drinks any day of the week before I ever let an Enyart step foot in my house again.)

As recent unbelievable events manifested in my life, I was convicted that the way I treated Deb was mean, hurtful, and not pleasing to the Lord at all, so I decided to take a moment to send her a quick email as a sister in Christ to formally apologize for my “Holier than Thou” overly critical, confrontational and “Spiritually Dead Christianity” which did not produce the fruit of righteousness because I was often not “Walking in Love,” as she rightly pointed out. After she received my email message, as the gracious woman she is, Deb also offered her own apology to me for how she reacted, then we quickly reconciled our differences and forgave one another as Christ would want us to do. (We even spoke on the phone as friends discussing a recent tragedy in her family, which was nice.) While Deb and I still disagree on homosexuality, we can agree on the love of God, and that I was wrong in my witness for Christ because of my narrow focus on her particular "sin" as though I were completely blameless. It should also be noted that Deb was right about Bob Enyart all along, especially when she alerted me to the unforeseen dangers in this post called, Child Abuse X-Pose, which has now come full circle in a twisted since of irony.”

After she had written this piece, we spoke on the phone about many things. She apologized verbally as well, and I apologized for being so defensive. Back then, I was a new writer and really didn’t have much experience with being attacked on a religious level. I just thought my book as well as my blog would help people who love God - those who feel guilty about their lifestyle, to realize that God accepts them as they are. I didn’t expect all vile and hateful responses I received. I told Dani, “Water under the bridge” - even if she still feels the same about homosexuality - that’s okay. That’s her right and her belief to which I respect. I would never try to convince someone that homosexuality is or isn’t a sin, but if someone is going to beat me down telling me that I’m going to hell, etc., etc., you bet I’m going to throw a few scriptures their way as well. It’s just a knee jerk reaction that I feel I need to give since I am here to support my LGBT friends and family to cope with their possible struggle over their lifestyle vs. religion. Yes you can be Christian and be gay too. But then again, this is my belief, this is what I have found in the bible that speaks of every sin is a sin; that all of us fall short but all in all - God loves all of us because He knows our hearts.

As Dani continued to battle with her former pastor, Bob Enyart, she has publicly apologized to me, receiving a lot of flack from her old church friends, as well as other people online who were frequent readers asking that she would "rebuke homos" and not accept them. A blogger named Kimberly Kay wrote this on her blog, “Deb, please don't call your union a marriage, for God created marriage, between a man and a woman. You were married by a person claiming to be christian, not by a christian in Gods eyes. To be a christian, is to live for God, not for yourself. Acting on homosexuality is self gratification, not pleasing to God. One more thing Deb, if you are so convinced that your lifestyle is not an abomination, why do you continue this argument with people that know it is an ungodly act?" She also goes on to say that homosexuals are the only ones spreading AIDS. As the ignorance starts flowing even more, I reminded her that there are many heterosexuals who are spreading AIDS as well. She fails to see that fact. As I continued to read more of her blog updates, she started including me in her posts due to my commentary (which I shouldn’t have wasted my time), but I found something very interesting as well. She seemed so focused on Dani's life, practically begging her to not accept these "homos" and go back to a life of "righteousness". She took the time to write this post for Dani as well as throwing many scriptures to "prove" homosexuality is an abomination.

"I do not lack love for homosexuals, I lack tolerance! I lost a family member to AIDS and yes, he contracted it from his homosexual partner/s. I loved him, we grew up together. I hate to think that he may not be in Heaven. I know that if he didn't repent before he died, he was not forgiven. I loved him, I miss him, I wish he would have been able to turn and repent of his sin. I wish I would have offered him the Golden Ticket, but I didn't. If I can help just one homosexual to see the Truth, then my intolerance for their acts will be worth it! I wrote this back in April 2011. I get criticized by family and friends because I speak out against the life style homosexuals "choose". I am not perfect, no man is, however to continue to live and justify a sin, is not being a Christian. Anyone can claim to be a Christian, but your actions speak louder than your words. To say that you will sit and eat dinner with a homosexual, do it, break bread.

Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.
Romans 12:3

I just don't understand how this can be confusing Deb. Biblical passages such as the following do not permit any other interpretation but that which is obvious.

If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination … (Leviticus 20:13)

For this reason (i.e. their refusal to acknowledge, thank and glorify God) God gave them up to dishonorable passions. Their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural, and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameful acts with men and receiving in their own persons the due penalty for their error.

(Romans 1:26-27)
Do not be deceived; neither the sexually immoral (or fornicators), nor idolators, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals (or sodomites; literally those who have coitus, or who sleep, with men), nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor robbers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God. (1 Corinthians 6:9-11)

If you want to live in an UNGODLY lifestyle, go for it! Don't expect Christians to except your choice out of Love. I, has a Christian, love Deb, but that does not require me to accept her sin.

Deb, please don't call your union a marriage, for God created marriage, between a man and a woman. You were married by a person claiming to be christian, not by a christian in Gods eyes. To be a christian, is to live for God, not for yourself. Acting on homosexuality is self gratification, not pleasing to God. One more thing Deb, if you are so convinced that your lifestyle is not an abomination, why do you continue this argument with people that know it is an ungodly act?

Danielle, I am glad that you have decided to love ALL people, what disturbs me is the fact that you have turned against people that supported you and your family. You have now turned your hate and anger unjustly towards others, much like you did with Deb "back in the day". Seems as though you don't have an complete understanding what love means. Hypocrisy is simply failing to practice those virtues that one preaches. The homosexuals have been the most comforting because they are telling you what you want to hear. If they show love and concern towards your situation, you will except and tolerate their sin. That give them ammunition in their argument. I have been excepted by a recovering extremist Christian. You know this Dani! If you every feel compelled to share why Scott and I were booted from your circle, I would love to know! Your action towards me are worse then the action displayed against me from DBC. I was a friend!" --Kimberly Kay

In response, I wrote a comment to her after Kimberly Kay advertised her website on my blog, to which Dani asked me to just ignore...but I just couldn't resist.

"Thank you for advertising your website on my blog. First of all, I just wanted to point out that many heterosexual people have passed on due to AIDS. Let's not forget that. It's not just a "gay" disease. If you go by Leviticus, you will also know that eating shellfish such as shrimp, lobster or clams is an abomination as well. But in Galatians it clearly states that since Jesus died for us on the cross, the old law is abolished. The mentioning of homosexuals in Romans is about fornication---period. It's about promiscuity and immorality of all heterosexuals and homosexuals. Corinthians speaks the same. It's for all... I'm sorry that you feel the need to not tolerate any sin. We all fall short. Homosexuality, or better yet, my loving marriage with my wife of 16 years is not a sin. Perhaps other things in my life that I struggle with is a sin, but don't we all? It's a hard life to focus on what other people do or don't do. Isn't that a heavy burden to keep in your heart? Give it all to God. He knows what to do with everyone in the world who struggles with sin and hardships. Trust Him enough to tolerate, or not tolerate as He sees fit. Let's focus more on loving one another and loving God with all our heart - that's the biggest commandment in the bible.

I pray that you will one day put yourself in the shoes of those you judge and see their life from their perspective. I pray that you soften your hardened heart and that you not just accept your brothers and sisters in Christ, but you love them, just as God commanded.

Hope you have a wonderful day.
God bless...."

As she continued to use my name for her mindless blathering, she then told me to "butt out of this".

So, with all of Kimberly Kay's scripture referencing, I will return the favor and add a few of my own...

“Yes, Adam’s one sin brought condemnation upon everyone, but Christ’s one act of righteousness makes all people right in God’s sight and gives them life. Because one person disobeyed God, many people became sinners. But because one other person obeyed God, many people will be made right in God’s sight. God’s law was given so that all people could see how sinful they were. But as people sinned more and more, God’s wonderful kindness became more abundant. So just as sin ruled over all people and brought them to death, now God’s wonderful kindness rules instead, giving us right standing with God and resulting in eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” ~Romans 5:18-21

So basically it’s saying that the sins of the past, even back into Leviticus was washed away so that we can have right standing with God. The Old Testament tells us that eating crustaceans of the sea (shellfish), being a homosexual, a man shaving his beard and sitting on the same couch with a woman who is menstruating were all seen as an abomination. But when Jesus came to the world, He died on the cross to take away those sins. Once He died, the law was abolished. This scripture validates that.

“But what if we seek to be made right with God through faith in Christ and then find out that we are still sinners? Has Christ led us into sin? Of course not! Rather, I make myself guilty if I rebuild the old system I already tore down. For when I tried to keep the law, I realized I could never earn God’s approval. So I died to the law so that I might live for God. I have been crucified with Christ. I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me. So I live my life in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not one for those who treats the grace of God as meaningless. **For if we could be saved by keeping the law, then there was no need for Christ to die.”**

That one sentence says it all: {“For if we could be saved by keeping the law, then there was no need for Christ to die.”}  Then you have this passage:

“You and I are Jews by birth, not ‘sinners’ like the Gentiles. And yet we Jewish Christians know that we become right with God, not by doing what the law commands, but by faith in Jesus Christ. So we have believed in Christ Jesus, that we might be accepted by God because of our faith in Christ-and not because we have obeyed the law. ***For no one will ever be saved by obeying the law.***” ~Galatians 2:15-16

“For no one will ever be saved by obeying the law.” Huh. Isn’t that interesting? So then, what’s the most important commandment - the most important thing for a Christian person to do?

Then Jesus says this:

The Most Important Commandment--
“One of the teachers of religious law was standing there listening to the discussion. He realized that Jesus had answered well, so he asked, ‘Of all the commandments, which is the most important?’ Jesus replied, ‘The most important commandment is this: Here, O Israel! The Lord our God is the one and only Lord. And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, and all your soul, and all your mind, and all your strength. The second is equally important. Love your neighbor as yourself. No other commandment is greater than these.’" ~Matthew 22:34-40

Maybe one day Kimberly Kay & others alike will see what God truly wants for them - how God wants us all to treat one another with love and not bitterness - to edify, not to tear down. There is no such things as "righteous judgment" unless you are living a life with absolutely no sin. So I ask Kimberly Kay, can you throw the first stone my friend?

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com

Why I Love You...

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 06:57:23 PST

I’ve been a complete ball of static these past couple of weeks. Irritated, stressed out and full of anxiety. It comes out in various ways from avoidance of all people or saying something completely out of bounds without even realizing it (and sometimes realizing it). Sunday morning, I woke up and found Madelene making breakfast for me. Usually I’m up before her making her breakfast, but she beat me to it. She knew how distraught I was about life and everything going on in it. Mad on the other hand remains positive on every single situation, or the best of her ability, which I admire. I wish I had that type of mindset - that inner peace no matter what’s exploding outside your circle of tranquility. As I was putting away my dish, I said, “Thank you so much.” She looked at me and said, “For what?” I smiled, walked out of the kitchen and started to think to myself: “For what? For being the best friend I ever had. For listening. For sharing yourself with me. For understanding my anxiety and stress (even if irrational) and letting me know it’s okay. For sitting next to my hospital bed without a bite to eat all day making sure I was okay. For helping my dad do the things he once was able to do. For helping my mom laugh a little more & running little errands for her. For treating my family as your own. For praying over me when I was crying myself to sleep. For trying to make me guess a song you can’t remember by humming the tune, making me laugh till I cry. For putting up with me following you around with a camera for Youtube purposes. For being such a good sport. For helping me with my work and always being on my side. For kissing me every single morning before you go to work and every single evening before we go to sleep. For saying ‘I love you’ every day. For showing me you love me every day. Thank you for marrying me.”

So, thank you. I didn’t verbalize all the thoughts that went through my head when you asked why I was thanking you. There is so much more to add onto that list. I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you and how happy I am that you’re in my life. I usually don’t write these types of mushy posts, but you really deserve one. I know I haven’t been easy to live with lately, but you really make a difference in my life every. single. day. My mom calls you an angel from heaven. My little niece used to call you “Magic” because she couldn’t pronounce “Madelene”. She was right. You are magic. I love you.

Here are some clips of us. Hope this brings a smile to your face.

This next clip makes my blood pressure go down. I love walking on the beach with you even if we're not saying one word.

This next clip isn't mushy at all, but it shows the funny dynamic we have interacting. I love you for being, so, umm, misunderstood. And again, you put up with my filming you when you least expect it.

Of course we have our mornings that includes recorded arguments about the trash...

And I can't forget the day I taught you how to use Facebook. What. an. ordeal.

I love your message to the world...

Do you see why I love you? Happy Valentines Day my love...!

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com

Confirmation & Peace

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 08:10:09 PST

Everything changes. People change. Minds change. Hearts change. There’s no stopping it. Whether good or bad, I was told the change should be embraced, whether through a friend or some cheesy quote I found on the net. “What won’t kill you will make you stronger.” While I know that hardships in life do make us more knowledgeable so we can cope with it better the next time around, I wonder if it truly makes us stronger, or does it possibly cram us back into our shell a little more? They say knowledge is power, but I’m not sure that “power” has strength. I do believe the mind is underestimated, so I have conflicting thoughts on it. For instance, if you put your mind into it, you can conquer almost anything. But, on the other hand, what if fear trickles into that “you can do it” mindset? It kind of puts a monkey wrench into the works. We all have some level of fear whether we admit to it or not, and some people can do it above and beyond the fear while it’s still present. A good friend of mine gave me a book to read called, When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. It’s based on the Buddhism belief system. Although I’m of Christian faith, I do enjoy reading quality literature even if it’s based of another’s religious belief. It spoke about getting intimate with fear; getting to know fear. A few lines of this book says, “What we’re talking about is getting to know fear, becoming familiar with fear, looking at it right in the eye---not as a way to solve problems, but as a complete undoing of old ways of seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting and thinking. The truth is that when we really begin to do this, we’re going to be continually humbled. There’s not going to be much room for the arrogance that holding on to ideals can bring. The arrogance that inevitable does arise is going to be continually shot down by our own courage to step forward a little further. The kinds of discoveries that are made through practice have nothing to do with believing in anything. They have much more to do with having the courage to die, the courage to die continually.”

When I read things like these, I always think, “Wow that must be one strong person.” I can’t imagine “getting intimate with fear” as the book states. I want to run from it as far as possible. But the more I run the more it seems to find me. I might as well settle in and get to know fear like a friend, perhaps even treat it as a teacher. As I continue to read this book, I place it down and open my iPad to read my iBible. Yes, I have an iBible. I downloaded the NLT version where it talks in plain English - no ‘thus, thou, thee’ type of language - more so language used as though I was reading a friend’s email. I have learned so much through everyone’s thoughtful book suggestions and mostly, from the bible itself. Have you ever heard of someone saying, “Yep - that’s confirmation”, as they look at their forearms for goosebumps? They say, (and I have no clue who “they” are) that when you hear the same message two or three times in a short span of time, that it’s a message specifically for you. I totally believe that. I also believe that some messages that are “confirmed” to you are also meant to be spread so it can be passed on to someone else for confirmation. Perhaps this blog post is meant for you to read. Who knows, right?

I’m going to share a couple of things with you. First, a card my mother had given me for my birthday. While opening it up, my mom started staring at me. I kept reading and she began to cry, as well as I did. I have never read such a beautiful card in my life. A card that was specifically made for me, so it seemed; a confirmation.

"How to Make a Beautiful Life"
Reflection for a Daughter on Her Birthday

Love yourself.
MAKE PEACE with who you are
and where you are
at this moment in time.

Listen to your heart.
If you can’t hear what it’s saying
in this noisy world,
MAKE TIME for yourself.
Enjoy your own company.
Let your mind wander among the stars.

Try.
Take chances.
MAKE MISTAKES.
Life can be messy
and confusing at times,
but it’s also full of surprises.
The next rock in your path
might be a stepping stone.

Be happy.
When you don’t have what you want,
want what you have.
MAKE DO.
That’s a well-kept secret of contentment.

There aren’t any shortcuts to tomorrow.
You have to MAKE YOUR OWN WAY.
To know where you’re going
is only part of it.
You need to know where you’ve been too.
And if you ever get lost, don’t worry.
The people who love you will find you.
Count on it.

Life isn’t days and years.
It’s what you do with time
and what all the goodness and grace
that’s inside you.
MAKE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE...
The kind of life you deserve.

And one of my favorite scriptures in the bible is from Ecclesiastes 11...

“You who are young, be happy while you are young, and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth. Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see, but know that for all these things, God will bring you into judgment. So then, banish anxiety from your heart and cast off the troubles of your body, for youth and vigor are meaningless.”

Maybe this post will be confirmation to you...

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com

Blinded by Judgements

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 20:05:05 PST

There’s always going to be people who hate you for whatever reason, critics who tear you apart, bone by bone and those who simply judge you without taking a second glance at their own life. It’s especially difficult to ignore it if it’s somebody you care about or love. It’s easy to brush aside the ones who are just in a mediocre standing in your life. Depending on your mind’s ability to flush out the toxins, it can either make you or break you. To be honest, I haven’t quite learned a perfect way of flushing these evil spirits, but at times, God gives me the understanding and discernment to realize their motives and reasonings for it all. Sometimes it’s rational and other times, it’s just erratic and uncalled for. The one common denominator: it’s out of “my” control. If you don’t like the way I do A. B. or C. - I can’t convince you that I’m doing it to the best of my ability. If you think my “X” looks bad today, I’m not going to make excuses or tell you that you’re wrong for thinking so. It is what it is. I can only control my emotions and responses to it. And that right there is the difficult part. It’s all easier said than done and practiced seldom as one would like. If someone says you’re not doing your job right, but yet you get the job done accurately and on time -- what does that say about the other person?

Sometimes I overanalyze and think that everybody at some extent feels ripped off in life. “Well he/she gets to do that” and “He/she gets to buy this and that” --- look at the big picture. If the “he/she” is buying this and that & taking more than the average vacation or five, maybe that he/she doesn’t have kids to feed, college funds to save for or a mini mansion to pay off. These are all of our choices in life. We choose what life we want most of the time. Other times, it’s just a matter of ‘luck of the draw’. Whatever it is - stop comparing apples to oranges and get rid of the bitter rage you have against those who have a different life. Each person has a cross to bear, whether it’s dealing with a hectic lifestyle that leaves you wishing for just two minutes in the bathroom by yourself or maybe struggles dealing with severe anxiety & depression. There are those who deal with the possibility of domestic abuse that’s hidden under the rug. There are tons of other factors, where if these “demons” were to rear its ugly head out from the carpet - you’d see how lucky you really are. Nobody ever fully loves their cross to bear. I grumble about mine all the time, but I do realize that there are much worse crosses to carry on my back.

Another critique about my life is that I can do more because I have more time than the average person due to my profession. Wrong. If I don’t submit my projects and work on time, I don’t get paid. Simple as that. The people who critique me are the ones who get two weeks paid vacation and x amount weeks of personal time off. I don’t get that. I have bills too. I may not be paying off a huge mansion or trying to keep afloat to put food in the mouths of children, but my job is just as important as yours, at least for me it is. Many people who work 9-5ers do not understand the lifestyle of a freelancer or those who work in sales. We get paid based on how ‘much’ we do. Some jobs wouldn’t even know if their employee was playing Words With Friends on their iPhones all day. 80% of Americans sitting at their desks right now are either updating their Facebook or Twitter account complaining about the guy in the next cubicle. I can do that too, but I also have the ability to hand in my work later. If no work gets submitted, tumbleweeds come flying through my banking account.

Mother Teresa said it so perfectly, “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” The resentment of another’s lifestyle will leave you bitter - even if you claim you love them, you’ll always hate everything about them. Hate and love cannot coexist together. If you can’t understand another person’s struggle, then maybe it’s time to evaluate your own. Bob Marley wisely stated, “Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I’m not perfect and I don’t have to be - but before you start pointing fingers...make sure your hands are clean!” Dietrich Bonhoeffer said in The Cost of Discipleship, “Judging others makes us blind, whereas love is illuminating. By judging others, we blind ourselves to our own evil and to the grace which others are just as entitled to as we are.”

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com

Please Accept My Apology

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 07:22:57 PST

For as long as I can remember, I’ve never quite handled stress well. For instance, my body’s physical response is to get sick, mimicking a stomach virus, if you get my drift. Prolonged stress would bring on IBS and ulcer-like symptoms. I remember at the age of sixteen, I developed an ulcer due to a very stressful event in my life. It went away thankfully, but it really did a number on my body and psyche. I would steer clear of certain foods and would develop fears about getting an ulcer once again. Throughout my twenties and early thirties, it was generalized anxiety type of stressors, like the pressures of work, relationship issues and so on. All of us have stressors, but for some people like myself, I process it much differently. I internalize a lot of things and it ends up giving me a “stomach virus”. I even develop a low grade fever with it. I then started developing new symptoms to stress, like bleeding in between menstrual cycles as well as fainting spells, which happened at my last office job where I had to be taken out on a gurney and off to the hospital. I’m very familiar with the hospital due to my inability to strengthen whatever it is to cope with stress. I’ve gone to therapy, I’ve hired personal trainers to better my health and tried almost every natural homeopathic way available. Some worked, but only for a short time.

One of my fears is also driving to places which are far away, due to my IBS symptoms from stress. Many of my friends, including my in-laws who I love dearly may think I rarely visit because I don’t enjoy their company. It’s so far off from the mark. My in-laws are my family. I love them with all my heart, and it kills me to say, “I’m sick” when I know it’s from stress. Many people in my life probably think I’m a bit aloof or that I really don’t care to visit. Especially with sleepovers or if family and friends are generous enough to offer me a place to stay since the drive is long - I decline right away. For some reason, the most difficult thing for me to do is fall asleep in someone else’s home. It can be the most beautiful, safest and cleanest place on earth, but my eyes will be opened all night long. It has nothing to do with my OCD. It’s all about my comfort zone and fears. Another “real” factor of mine is that I am highly allergic to dog hair & dander through trial & error as well as diagnosed by my allergist. It never fails, all my friends who have dogs are constantly inviting me over, even though they know I’m highly allergic. I don’t want to insult anybody or make them feel as though their house or apartment is “dirty” in any way just because they have a pet - it’s just my awful response when I walk into a place that has dogs or cats. I get asthma-like symptoms. And as strange as this sounds, some dogs don’t have any affect on me whatsoever.

Here’s another thing that gets me... The other day my legs were killing me from all the stats they had given me during my hospital stay. I was told, “You think your legs hurt, but they don’t.” As I’m rubbing my legs to get rid of the knife-like jabbing pains, I was just so surprised to hear someone say that. It’s not in my head - it’s in my legs! Another time, someone had made a statement about how bad I handle menstrual cramps, while “every other woman” are able to cope with daily activities. I have dysmenorrhea which is a condition that interferes with daily activities due to the severity of the pain and nausea. I also have fainting spells when this happens. So when this friend of mine made this remark about how I should deal with it better, and that I should stop blaming it on being “sick” because all women get it - I literally stopped inviting her over and I also stopped going to her house just because she also thinks “it’s all in my head”. I wish that she could feel and experience just 2 minutes of what I go through for five entire days of intense pain and nausea. I’m not “wishing” her pain, I just wish some people would understand that sometimes it is a physical ailment. That’s why I think it’s so important that people don’t compare their life, ailments, lack of ailments or health with anybody else’s. We’re all different and handle things in our own way. None of it is “right” or “wrong” - it’s our own response, whether we choose to change it or not - or in some cases, unable to be changed. I wish more people could accept that other people aren’t like them.

I’m known to break plans more often than not. I remember one evening I was driving over to my friend’s house which was approximately 45 minutes away. After 20 minutes of driving, my vision started to get blurry and everything was so incredibly loud. I had to pull over because I felt the oncoming anxiety attack about to strike. Tractor trailers were hauling ass passed my little car, making it wobble a bit while I was parked. Each “swoosh” and wobble would set off a bigger attack. I soon was unable to breathe or drink water because it would come back out of my mouth due to my throat closing. Now, this event can be “all in the head”, but wow, the physical symptoms that your mind can give you is definitely real and scary. I called my friend and told her what had happened. She knows I have anxiety, but I think she also believes that it’s ‘not that bad’ because I don’t harp on it much. She made a “tisk” sound like she was pissed off at me and said, “Whatever, Deb”, and then hung up. For me, I couldn’t possibly hang out with her again only because she’s not “safe” to be around in my mind. She gets angry at something that is out of my control - or in this case, maybe I could have grasped some control. Sometimes it works and other times, it’s just a matter of time until the anxiety subsides.

Of course this brings me to another challenge in my life: depression. I feel as though people assume that I’m lying about my anxiety or “making up a story up” so that I don’t have to see them. I then start avoiding my friends and some of my family members because I’m scared to make empty promises. Most of the time, I’m okay, but that small percentage of when I get those extreme anxiety attacks are when I just wish more people would understand that it’s not about them at all. It’s not an “excuse” so I can go somewhere else or stay home. It’s about “me” and my lack of coping skills that I’m continually working on. Now with all that’s going on between my dad and my family, my response to stress has just been out of control. “Put it out of your mind,” someone said to me. How? My dad is literally dying right in front of me. How do you put that out of your mind? How does anybody put it out of their mind while seeing a loved one suffer? I can’t. I have so much great sadness to see my dad suffering every. single. day. for the past year and a half. I know people have seen and been through worse situations, but for me, this is the first time anyone in my family was facing the inevitable. My family is so close ---- so close, that it can easily be a double-edged sword and break us apart. There's always that fine line. That’s my worst fear. My sisters are my best friends. I love each one so much in such different ways and love my mother more than life itself, and my dad is my little buddy who makes me laugh even when I’m in the worst moods. Maybe I love them too much, because if I ever lost anybody in my family, I would die of a broken heart. I know I would.

So if any of my family or friends thinks that I don’t like them because perhaps I don’t call as much, or visit that often, or maybe I’ve just been ‘distant’ lately --- you’re wrong. I love you. I love you so much that I keep my distance so you don’t have to hear or deal with my bullshit ailments or anxiety. I don’t want to put that burden on anyone and feel bad when people take it the wrong way. And you know something? --I’m even going to blame it on having too good of a childhood with my parents and sisters. Maybe if I didn’t have such a wonderful childhood, I could cope better. (Hope that makes a bit of sense.) Maybe I’d be less ‘emotional’ with more of a grim childhood to look back on. Maybe it would have made me a stronger person. But, when therapists and others ask me about my childhood and I respond with, “All I can think of are wonderful things” - they all give me that doubting look, as if I’m lying. Of course we’ve all had our moments as a family, but we have been so fortunate for so so so long, which I am so grateful for. So, if I “appear” as distant lately, please know that I’m doing this for you and my family as well as to heal myself in the process. I’m different. I’m not like ‘you’. So, please accept my apology...and please accept 'me'.

(I usually don't write these types of posts, however I have never written something so deep from my heart before. I'll return back to 'normal' - whatever that means.)

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com

Stressed Spelled Backward...

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 15:52:41 PST

It’s been a rough week, between dad being in the hospital, receiving bad news and having myself end up in the same hospital due to stress. Our family has been overloaded with an extreme amount of stress, anxiety and sadness lately. Seeing our father, aka “Superman” wither away from his illness and lack of will from hearing the worst news of all from the doctors, we’ve all been handling our stress in various ways. We also have in the back of our minds that mom may be affected by all this stress too, so we’re trying to do our best to ‘keep it all together’ for her, and somehow, it just winds up a big chaotic scene. We all love one another so much and so scared to see our own family break apart, either by arguments, or worse off, death. I can only speak for myself and say that this huge change of events has me in a constant state of turmoil. With a million emotions going through my system while getting ready to see dad and the family at the hospital, I finally shut down on Monday morning. My last tweet before I got bombarded with mind blowing chest pains was, “Special for the Day: Horse tranquilizers.” And boy I wasn’t kidding. I quickly grabbed a glass of water thinking it was just indigestion. It still persisted. I put ice on my forehead and the back of my neck. It still was there. This must have been the tenth 911 call I have made within the past six months. “Oh it’s Deb!”

The EMS came in a humungous rescue truck - almost the size of a tractor trailer. The guys brought me out into the tank-like truck and hooked me up to an IV and placed nitro under my tongue with three baby aspirins. As we’re doing 90 mph on the highway to get to the hospital, they were sticking the EKG wires on me. While listening to everything they were saying while lying on the gurney, the one EMT guy said, “Yep, she responded positive to the nitro.” I thought that was a good thing. Apparently, if you respond positive to the nitro, it’s the heart. I asked the guy if I was having a heart attack, and he said, “Well, the EKG looks fine, but we can’t go by that right now. We have to treat it as a heart attack until the doctor tests you.” Then he went on to say, “You women are complicated. You can have a stomach ache and it may be a heart attack. Men know for sure they’re having one.” The two men were both making me laugh on the way up there, while my chest pains were seemingly diminishing, which scared me because the nitro was helping. After a slew of blood work, chest x-rays and being poked and prodded every which way, the doctor came in and said he wanted to keep me in for observation. My sisters rushed downstairs from dad’s room to come and waste time watching me deal the best I can to stress. They all agreed that I should stay. ...And I did.

Things started to get comical, as they admitted me into my dad’s old room. I told my father, “Wow dad, this is like a 5 star joint - I’m jealous.” I guess I got what I wished for. I asked my mom and my sisters not to tell dad where I was. I didn’t want to stress him out any more than he was. But that night was the most awful sleep I have ever had. Between being woken up every two hours for blood work and being pricked with some shot in my stomach so my legs don’t clot, it was absolutely hell. My left arm had a botched up IV in it that was turning into a hematoma. I asked the nurse if this looked normal to them, and they said, “Yeah it’s fine.” One nurse came in and gave me like ten different pills, one of them being a stool softener. That was fun. I hadn’t eaten anything since 7am that morning and couldn’t eat the awful salmon they tried to give me in the evening. They told me I was not allowed to drink or eat anything until my tests were done. By the next morning, between no sleep, dehydration and no food in my system, they carted me off to my stress test. Immediately, one of the nurses gasped at my botched up IV and started to remove it so she could put another one into my arm. As I watched her do this, (cause I can handle watching any medical procedure, so I thought) I saw blood flying into the air and my vein out and exposed. All I remember was that the room started to brighten up to where I couldn’t see anymore and hearing the nurse scream, “She’s going vasovagal!!! Hurry! She’s going vasovagal!!!” I seriously thought I was having a stroke and listening to a whole other language. Never heard that term in my life.

When I woke up, there was a 6 foot something transgender woman standing above me while they put me on a bed slanting me upside down. She was screaming, “Think dirty thoughts! It’ll get yer’ blood pumpin’ in all the right areas ya dirty girl you!” I really thought I was dreaming, but there she was again saying the most frig’d up things to get my to wake up. ...And it worked. As they were juicing me up for electrolytes and trying to get my blood pressure and heart rate back to normal, the doctor ordered one of those medicine induced stress tests. I piped in, “No! I don’t want that! I’ll run on the treadmill! I’m fine!” They all looked at one another in fear, and within 15 minutes, I was running and getting my heart rate up to 165. Upon the final minutes of running, they juiced me up with nuclear medicine so they could see my “glowing heart” in their x-ray. As they wheeled me out into the waiting room, they literally placed me in a circle of probably ten or so 90 year olds who had just gotten their stress tests done sitting in their own wheel chairs. We were all facing one another like psyche ward patients in our backless gowns...staring at one another. Not one of them said one. word. at. all. I can’t tell you how awkward and creepy it was. After my echocardiogram and other tests being done, I felt slimy from all the gunk they had put on me. When I went back to my room, I wanted to shower asap, but the nurse wouldn’t let me because I was hooked up to a holter monitor. They gave me stuff to wash up with. I still felt icky.

I must have laid there in that bed for another ten hours watching Dr. Oz, stupid court shows and recycled news. I did make a very interesting observation though... During the evening hours, the nurses are drop dead gorgeous. When morning came, the nurses seemed to all look like Berta from Two and a Half Men. I guess seniority rules the hours. While rotting in my bed, my sisters came in to visit me and laughed hysterically over being in my father’s old room. I was getting text messages from one of my sisters showing me photos of mom and dad which were comical. But as you can see in this one photo, dad’s weight has dropped dramatically. After my sisters left, I was lying there alone and started crying. I felt bad for ending up in the hospital while I should have been there for dad. I started to think how different life would be without my father and how sad my mom would be not having her best friend around. She admitted that she couldn’t sleep without him and coffee wasn’t the same in the morning without him there to make it the way she liked it. All these little things just broke my heart and tears just started falling. One of the nurses came in to check my vitals and noticed me sobbing in my bed. She sat right next to me and asked what was wrong. She listened to every word and tried comforting me.

When I got home that night I crashed so hard that I could barely wake up the next morning. My legs were burning from these unnecessary cholesterol pills they had given me and my entire body was bruised from the IVs and all the other poking & prodding that was done to me. Dad came home the same day as well. He asked where I was though. My sister told him I was in his old room at the hospital and then said, “She’s okay, dad. She was jealous you were getting the 5 star treatment.” When I got discharged, the nurse said that I was stable enough to go home, and that the doctors would talk to me about what they have found, or what they didn’t find. But good news is: it wasn’t a heart attack. Now I can focus on dad and hopefully lift his spirits somehow. He said he couldn’t sleep because he’s afraid of not waking up.

I just really pray that my family pulls together and not apart during this time. We’re just so stressed out and sad over this, that we’re already grieving about something that has not happened as of yet. We’re all worried about mom’s stress level and her continued smoking (which is what brought on my dad’s cancer cause he was a big time smoker), and trying just to keep our heads together the best we can. I know death is inevitable and you can’t stop that from happening to anyone. But what use is it to have tension between family members when the primary focus should just be on the one who is ill? “This one isn’t doing enough”, “That one isn’t contributing equally”, “Oh now Deb’s sick too?” --- So this is my message to my family: Remember when I said I passed out from that “vasovagal attack”? Well it’s a fact that some people are only capable of “handling” so much at one time. Others can do it without blinking. If I can only do A. B. and C. and you’re able to do D. E. F. G. & H., realize that each of us handles stressful situations differently. It doesn’t mean we don’t want to be there. It’s only what we can handle at that particular time. I don’t feel that I’m a “weak person” for having to be hospitalized for stress. I have been there every single day for mom and dad, helping out in various ways, whether it be taking mom grocery shopping, staying with her at night, going up to see dad every day of his stay (until I got sick myself), cleaning, cooking for them and taking out the garbage - things they weren’t able to do. I have my own part and I appreciate yours. Don’t compare me to you or what you have done. It should be a team effort without conflicts or arguments. We should be pulling together and not tearing out each other’s jugulars. We should be grateful we all have one another as sisters and have wonderful spouses that are there for us when we need a break from it all. And just because I shut down from stress does not mean “I hate myself” as someone so arrogantly put, it means I’m having a hard time, just like you.

“If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.” ~George F. Burns

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com

Cancer Sucks

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 07:21:00 PST

Rainy, dreary, foggy, unclear. It’s been like this for a bit... I haven’t been updating this site because my dad is sick right now and in the hospital. The family and I have been huddling around dad’s bed smiling so he can’t see the many tears held back for him. While we know the diagnosis and grim news, dad smiles, with hope, because some of the ‘truth’ has been hidden. But, I do believe in miracles and praying for one right now. I haven’t been able to write or think for the most part. My mind’s been so occupied. I guess if it was sunny outside, it would seem as though the weather was mocking us in some twisted way.

If you could say a prayer for my dad and ask for a miracle somehow, we’d appreciate it. I miss that crazy Italian telling us awful politically incorrect jokes and stories. It’s strange, after a year of being ‘out of it’ and not himself, while at the hospital this past week, his positive spirit came back somehow. I can’t explain it. We all said, “He’s back!” But while the doctor gave him a “sentence” for his life, it makes it that much harder to laugh with him, even though we’re trying.

I’ve posted this once before, but today, I just need to repost it to watch it again to remember how funny dad is. It was taken with my phone cam, so I'm sorry for the fuzziness. I don’t want my mom to lose her best friend. I don’t want dad to suffer anymore, but selfishly, I want him here for another thirty years...happily. In the footage below, he was 100 lbs more than he is now.

If you can't see the video above, click here.

I'll be back soon, when my head is back together...

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com

False Allergic Reactions: Getting My Life Back

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 07:05:22 PST

All throughout my life I’ve always enjoyed seafood, especially shellfish. As I’ve written before on this blog, my father owned a fish market at the South Street Seaport in NYC and brought home every type of fish you could imagine. Wednesday was our seafood night. We had everything from calamari, clams and spaghetti, shrimp, lobster, crab legs - you name it, we had it. Every Christmas we heed to the old Italian tradition of The Feast of the Seven Fishes. We still do it, however I tend to steer clear from it these days. About ten years ago, my sister started developing severe allergic reactions to seafood - mostly shellfish. Symptoms varied from rashes to face swelling, which is an indicator of a possible anaphylactic shock, which could be deadly. Soon after, I began to notice every time I ate shrimp, lobster or crab, I would get hives inside my mouth -- nowhere else. I quit shellfish immediately, but was able to still eat clams and mussels. No one could figure it out. Some would assume it was the iodine in certain types of fish that I was allergic too, while others told me to just stay away from it. There on after, each Christmas eve, I would say “no thank you” to the lobster, or the shrimp cocktail that was calling my name. Instead, I ate the other stuff, chips, pigs in a blanket, cheese or whatever pasta dish they were serving. While having dinner with friends on the night Mad & I got married in Provincetown, I was eating oysters on the half shell. In the picture over on the left, you can see my lips blowing up like balloons while I tried so hard to drink my martini (which burned them even more). Days later, I realized that I had exfoliated my face and lips, exposing them to 'raw skin' basically, which made them even burn more because of the salt brine. My friend that's sitting next to me in the picture above was concerned. Her face is priceless in this photo. She kept saying, "Do you think you should finish that appetizer, Deb?"

During the time of my new findings of my “allergic reactions”, I was at work one day when the cleaning lady asked me to dial 911. She got stung by a bee while she was outside having a cigarette. She said she stuck herself with an EpiPen that was in the first aid kit and needed an ambulance. I quickly got an ambulance for her and while waiting, I started to see her face turn purple and her breathing getting worse and worse, like someone with bad asthma. Ever since that day, I feared bees so much that at times if I see a bee hanging around the patio area - that was it - hell if I was gonna sit out there and risk my life. After seeing what I did, I wanted no part of bees. If they can kill with one sting, then that was enough reason for me to fear them with everything I had. It made my life miserable for years, watching everyone enjoy the outdoors while I stayed inside wishing I was out there. I remember watching my sisters and friends outside by the pool while I sat inside in the air conditioning wishing I was with them instead. It was pure torture. I stopped going to parks, fairs, wineries and any event that was held outdoors. There was one day when my company made me run a booth at one of our local town fairs. I had to stand there all day in the heat giving away prizes and setting people up with new products. There was a trash can nearby that drew all the yellow jackets swarming near me. I told my boss my stomach was torn up and went home.

It didn’t stop there. It trickled into every aspect of my life from fruits, nuts, and animals. I feared them all. I would only eat vegetables, fresh fish (like sushi, salmon, tilapia, etc.--not shellfish) and meat. I would take supplements to make up for the lack of vitamins and chose the wrong foods, which led me to gain weight. My life became a theme of limitations and fear. I couldn’t go through this anymore. I hated reading ingredients in the back of stuff that said, “may contain tree nuts”. Instantly, I would put the product back on the shelf. When I went to parties, I’d eat beforehand so I wouldn’t have some weird reaction at their house and embarrass myself. I wouldn’t go into people’s homes who had pets because of my asthma-like symptoms that I developed. Last summer, we had a huge bee problem and I couldn’t enjoy our beautiful property or deck. I was a prisoner of my own mind. I was depressed and mostly angry at myself over the possibility that it was all in my head. Why did I do this to myself? Why can’t I live my life without fear and enjoy the things everybody else was?

I finally broke down.

One morning, (and this is kinda funny) I got so angry that I could not enjoy this delicious almond milk that Madelene puts in her coffee. (Doesn't that look good on the left?) It smelled so good, and I’m not one to put anything in my coffee. I have it black with no sugar. But this smell - this delicious (almost hazelnut scent) kept wafting through the air. It was driving me nuts. I went on the computer and looked up everything regarding allergies and how to know if you’re sure you’re allergic to something. I called an allergist nearby and he said to come in and he would give me a blood test and skin graphing for every. single. thing. that I “feared”. I was so scared to do this with the ‘possible’ chance of a severe reaction - but I was too pissed off from limiting myself from everything I love. I went in. I got the blood test and had to wait for one week to get the results and then do the skin graphing. As the nurse pricked and prodded my skin for fruits, nuts, shellfish, mold, pollen, dog and cat hair, I wondered if I would be needing my EpiPen soon. I waited for the results and noticed my upper arm was swollen like a bitch. It was welted up. But which allergen was it?

The results: I’m only allergic to dogs, strawberries and dust mites. Nothing else. All five breeds of bees in my backyard were “safe” for me, if I ever did get stung. All shellfish, lobster, shrimp, crab, etc., were fine for me to eat. Not a single reaction to it. I can also eat every type of fruit or nut available, even strawberries but in moderation. I may get a slight rash but that’s it. I asked the doctor why I was getting hives inside my mouth every time I ate bananas, mangos and avocados. He said that when people have anxiety, our bodies can mimic a reaction I also asked him why Madelene and I got a severe allergic reaction (face, mouth, tongue swelling) after eating a batch of sushi. He said that it must have been some type of dressing or sauce that they had put on something. He calmed all my fears from the past ten years in ONE week. As he went down the list of things I can eat or be around, I felt like I was getting my life back. The only unfortunate thing is that I am severely allergic to dogs, which was the one test that had given me welts all over my arm. At the time of the dog testing, he didn’t tell me what it was. I said to him, “I feel funny and it feels like I have hair in my throat” - which happens when I’m at someone’s home where they have dogs, but thought he was testing me for pollen. He checked my arm and said, “Wow, you are severely allergic to dogs.” And to think, Madelene and I were going to get a dog this week, which is kind of sad, however the benefits weigh out the negative. So if you're like me and avoiding certain things that you "think" you may be allergic to ----please go to an allergist and get it tested so you can know for sure. It doesn't hurt at all and when something does react, it's very minimal, perhaps the size of a quarter at the largest. They either mark up both your arms and test for each allergen or they do it on your back. Everything is completely sanitary. I literally missed a lot of my life because of all my fears. I have my life back. Tonight I am celebrating by eating things I couldn’t in the past years....of course not all in one sitting. (I hope!)

"Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed."
-Michael Pritchard

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com

Anxiety & Depression: Why Are They Related?

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 08:10:42 PST

Yesterday I received a comment on an older post of mine entitled, “Trying to Eliminate Anxiety & Stress”. It read, “I'm a mum of two, under two & I have been diagnosed with anxiety disorder and postnatal mood disorder. I'm so freekin frustrated by my stupid symptoms that come on completely out of the blue and leave me completely exhausted and unable to keep up with my kid. I'm only 26 so I feel like I should be able to keep up, but these disorders have claimed my sanity!! It took 5 months for a diagnosis after I eventually asked if it could be anxiety they agreed....so I am now convinced drs know very little!! Anyway sorry for the rant but I'm glad a came along your blog and now don't feel as alone.” I can totally feel her frustration about the lack of understanding from doctors and psychologists. It took me over twenty years to find the right psychologist to start making me feel better, but through coping skills. Doctors aren’t magicians. They’re supposed to teach you how to cope and handle your anxiety and stress through management skills. Some give suggestions (like mine) and others leave that up to you to decide, which kind of frustrates me. It’s so important to find the right doctor and one that you genuinely like as a person and trust their advice. If not, you’re going to be in this anxiety limbo for a long time.

Most doctors diagnose people with “generalized anxiety disorder” - a blanket diagnosis for “you’re stressed out”. Who isn’t? And especially with this commenter, has two kids under the age of two...? I’d be stressed too. So I’m going to address this post to the commenter that went under, “Caketopper”... Give yourself some credit. There aren’t many people who can carry the load of having kids, no less raising them. Being the mom is the hardest job in the world. I’ve seen my mom raise four children and my friends having litters of kids. They’re the strongest people I know. Your symptoms appear to “come out of the blue” because it’s underlining all the frustrations you have. What I have been taught to do is to acknowledge your anxiety - do not ignore it and try to ‘make it go away’. Tell yourself that this is just anxiety, it can’t kill me and it’s going to pass in a few minutes. I was told anxiety is like the riptide. If you fight it, you’ll get sucked in more. Have you heard the saying, “Whatever you resist, persists?” Same concept. The best technique that I was taught was very effective. While having the attack, sit down in a quiet place, or even if you’re at work. Just take a few seconds out to do this. Make two fists and squeeze them tightly, as tightly as you can (until it actually hurts) for about 30 seconds. Take a deep breath, hold it in for 5 seconds....and let it out slowly while opening your fists slowly. Do this about 4 times. You’ll feel like there’s a warming sensation coming over you. Not only is this technique letting you breathe properly, but it’s mimicking your tensed physical state as well as your “ahhh relaxed” state. (My descriptions are one of a kind, eh?)

Another thing I used to be confused over was when the doctors would tell me that I had anxiety and depression. I said, “I’m not depressed - I’m a walking nerve!” I didn’t realize that after the heightened state of anxiety my body went through, it had to shut down for a bit. For each person it can be different. For me, the entire next day I would be shot. It felt like a tractor trailer ran over me. I was absolutely useless and exasperated. I would always say that I was coming down with a cold or something. It was the “depression” phase. Depression isn’t always sadness and tears; it’s the state of which the body tends to shut down for a little while to rest from all the chaos your mind put it through. So, that’s why doctors correlate anxiety with depression. They go hand in hand, which is another reason many doctors prescribe antidepressants for people with generalized anxiety disorder. I’m absolutely against any form of antidepressants because I don’t feel comfortable with anything altering the chemicals in my brain, except maybe a bit of wine (not professional advice), but antidepressants has much more negative side effects than it does positive. I am only saying this because I had a very bad experience while on an antidepressant which left me convulsing and in the emergency room. Just take a look at the list of possible side effects. It may be a (CYA) type of thing, but through experience, I’d rather be strapped up in a straight jacket than taking those evil pills. Ativan (Lorazepam) was the only thing that ever helped me and has minimal to no side effects. Please do not take this as professional advice. I am not a doctor.
Another huge source of relief was delving into my relationship with God - praying and meditating more. I’m not sure what religion you are, but if you have faith in a particular religion or you’re just “spiritual” - I would definitely tap into it much more when you’re experiencing symptoms of anxiety. By practicing it every single day, the symptoms lessen for me. Each person is different though. I find that cooking helps me to relieve stress. When I cook something complicated where you have to spend a couple of hours preparing, I find that I’m in a ‘zone’. I always knew whenever my mom was stressed out. She would cook a dinner for an army and I’d walk into her kitchen and say, “Wow, what happened?” Many people cook when they’re stressed and now, I can see why. You may not have heaps of time to delve into your favorite hobbies, but whatever it is you enjoy doing - make some time for it. Try to rustle up your routine and make it different. I just recently started exercising at 6am and found that it gave me incredible “positive” energy throughout the day. When we’re agitated and have so much angst, especially in the morning, it pretty much dictates the rest of the day and evening. (At least that’s what I found.) I hope this helps. Again, this is just what works for me and I sincerely hope you find the right doctor like I did to help me with coping skills, instead of just tossing me a script and saying, “See ya next month.” I wanted to take the time out to respond to your comment in a separate post. Anxiety, if not taken care of, can absolutely ruin your life. It can escalate into other types of anxiety, like agoraphobia, and fear of a variety of things that will eventually develop. I know because I had them all. I’m still working on a few ‘phobias’ of mine due to my anxiety disorder. Good luck and please let me know how you're doing. Keep in mind, anxiety and panic attacks are not a sign of weakness. They are signs of having tried to remain strong for way too long.

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com

No Regrets

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 12:50:41 PST

The other morning I was fumbling around on my iPad scrolling through my Twitter timeline and saw an interesting quote from an “author unknown”. It read, “If you carry bricks from your past relationships to the new one, you will build the same house.” I can’t tell you how many times I have done this in the past and should have looked back (hindsight 20/20 type of deal) and said, “Not again!” Instead, I ran around the same mountain over and over and over again. It’s like the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I do believe Einstein quoted that, but someone challenged me on that insisting that it was Benjamin Franklin. Anyway, all of these quotes and sayings are very inspiring and rings true on many levels, but how many people will listen and actually put them into reality? Sometimes I read a quote and nod in agreement while being in an opposite scenario. I’m human, but I’m a human who makes mistakes and ‘tries’ to learn from them. Most of the time, the one common denominator that everyone carries along with them to some degree is the feeling of guilt. They either have regrets or they feel guilty for what they did in the past. As my wife put it so brilliantly: “Take guilt, put it in a bag and shoot it.”

For me, guilt separates me from God. It makes me feel “too guilty” to pray or to delve into my spirituality. “I have no right,” I tell myself, as though God’s furious with me. But when you really think about it -- God knows that we’re all human and we’re bound to make mistakes. The guilt is something the devil wedges in between you and God. Guilt, fear, anxiety and depression are all emotions that separate us from our spirituality (God). It distracts us and makes us feel unworthy of God’s presence, but that’s the time when you want to be closest with God and admit to your shortcomings. I had a hard time trying to grasp this idea, but once I finally stepped out of the box and looked in - I can understand and accept that God loves me the way I am: messy, sinful, irritable, etc., etc., etc.... God loves his messy creations and doesn’t expect you to be perfect. Don’t get me wrong - having a decent conscience is a gift of God, because as we all know, there are many sociopaths running rampant and those who just don’t care about other people’s feelings. I’m talking about past wrongs you have done that are still haunting you today as well as mistakes made today. Guilt is like a cruel punishment we give to ourselves.

Have you ever had anyone ask you what your regrets were in life? I’m sure many people would have a list of things they would say, but realistically, wouldn’t all of those “regrets” build the type of person (or character) of who we are today? If we didn’t have “regrets”, we probably would have still been tossing around the same mistakes. We really shouldn’t have any regrets, because the mistakes of yesterday have made us into better people today. --“I wish I never met him/her”, “I wish I never told her that”, “I wish I could have been there more when my child was younger” “I wish I was a better parent back then” - I wish I wish I wish. Stop. Make it count now. There’s an old Japanese saying, “Failure teaches success” -- so if you think you failed at being a good parent, a good friend a good wife or husband, or even a good person in general -- whatever the guilt trip is coming from, just remember that success comes when we make enough mistakes. Now get outa' here & stop making feel guilty for writing such a mushy piece.

“I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work” ~Thomas Alva Edison

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com

Amanda Cummings: No Proof of Being Bullied

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 04:24:22 PST

If you can't view the video, click here.

Back in 2007, I had made a Youtube video called, “Suicide Prevention”. Although the video is more on the darker side, it does send a positive message. It got almost 100,000 hits, full of comments from kids all over the world trying to talk other kids out of suicide. Definitely read the comments on the Youtube page itself. It's disheartening. The video lets you travel into the mind of a deeply depressed person, so you’re going to see some disturbing images. Between the images and the lyrics to the song, you can actually feel the sadness that some kids go through and what some adults go through...as well as what I went through. When a person with depression goes into (what I choose to call it), their dark side - they drift into this deep hole of insecurities, self-loathing as well as resentment for everyone around them, including the one who broke their heart. As adults, we never think seriously enough when a teen (whether our own kid, relative or just in general) gets their heart broken. We think it’s just puppy love. Think back when you were around Amanda’s age. I will never forget the time my boyfriend was on his way over my house so that he could break up with me. I was 16 years old. I remember every single detail. I went into the kitchen to grab some water and while holding the glass, my hand was shaking so much because I knew what was going to happen. And when it did? ....... I. was. a. complete. wreck. I not only got emotionally sick, I got physically sick. My friend was so concerned about me that she brought along 15 other classmates/friends to console me for the rest of the day. I wanted to commit suicide. I didn’t want to live without him. My life wasn’t worth living. I’m worthless. I’m not good enough, and so on and so on... I’m freakin’ 16 for the love of God! If I could just slap that person who was once me in the face to snap out of it ---I would.

These days, you hear more and more about bullying. Kids are cruel as they always were, but with technology, their cruelty has a tool to enhance it to a whole new level. On the news this morning, they were saying that there was no proof of Amanda Cummings’ attacks; no proof of being bullied. It doesn’t make it any better, but it does bring some sort of awareness of what teens go through, which adults may not see, or may not want to see. Reports say that Amanda’s uncle made reports of Amanda being bullied, which seems to be the theme of many teen suicides these days, but now it’s come out of the woodwork that there is no proof of her bullying, and more proof of her deep seated depression. She was hospitalized for cutting, which is a common thing among kids who don’t want to feel the emotional pain, but choose a physical pain and cut their arms, shoulders or chest with a sharp object. I personally never understood this method of coping...or is it coping? Amanda's suicide note had no complaints about being bullied or harassed, but instead, had statements such as, “I’m sorry I got between you and Becca’s friendship” - to a boy she was interested in. “I don’t deserve to live,” was on the last page of her suicide note. They said she went through horrific episodes of depression with each heartbreak. She just didn’t handle them well. (But really, who does?) I just wish her family or friends would have said something if she made claims that she no longer wanted to live. If a kid has already been hospitalized for this already, why not keep tabs on her well-being? Or maybe they have. Some people as much as they love their child, sister and friend -- they just can’t do anything to save them. At that point, it’s all about prayer and faith.

As I remember so clearly as a teen wanting to take my own life, I made suicidal threats so that someone could help me or save me. It was a cry for help. I wanted to be heard and most of all, saved from my own mind. I even went to extremes, raiding my parents’ liquor cabinet drinking as much scotch iced-teas (oof) as I could just to poison myself. Thank God I made it out alive after waking up getting sick and having someone throw water on my face. I remember. I can tell you every. single. detail, because for me, as a teen, and what I was going through - it did matter. It wasn’t “puppy love” - it was my entire well being at stake just because my heart was broken.

If you know someone who is thinking about suicide or if YOU are thinking about suicide, you can call 1-800-273-8255. It’s the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. They’re there to help you try to sort things out. It can be done anonymously and of course, it’s free.

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com

Anxiety, Hypochondria & Apiphobia, Oh My!

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 06:52:43 PST

It’s amazing how people don’t take you seriously once they know that you have anxiety disorder of some sort, especially doctors. It then becomes a matter of ‘maybe it’s just in her head’ type of thing and while that very well may be the case, they dismiss a lot of things that shouldn’t be overlooked. Yesterday I had an appointment with the allergist. The past couple of years I have been experiencing many reactions from certain foods and products. I experience “physical” side effects, such as bleeding blisters inside my mouth if I eat shrimp, bananas, mangos, berries, apples and sometimes avocados. Sometimes I’m able to eat them, and other times I develop these awful reactions. In recent days, I developed lip and mouth swelling from eating fresh water fish. Nuts and seeds gives me an asthma-like symptom. So all of these foods, which are healthy are out of my diet, leaving me to eat other things that may be not so good for my waistline. I used to love eating cereal with berries or a banana and a nice piece salmon filet or tilapia with white wine sauce, but now, it’s either steak, burgers or if I need to go healthy, a salad. Even then, I have to be careful with tomatoes because they sometimes burn my mouth. A friend said to me the other day, “Well, as we get older, sometimes we can’t tolerate the foods we once used to eat.” My question is: do I have to eat the “bad” food in order to avoid the good ones? It doesn’t seem fair. Our Friday night sushi outing has been turned into Chinese takeout at home. I’m literally afraid to eat at new restaurants. So from fresh fish to greasy Chinese food - my scale hasn’t been the best of friends with me. And on top of that, I can't even enjoy the outdoors without having an over-the-top freak out session when a bee comes into my comfort zone. It doesn't even have to be on me or around me - I just run. It's not a normal or healthy reaction. I am deathly afraid of bees. The thought of a bee possibly killing you with one sting is enough for me to run like a bat outa' hell when I see one.

After much research online, I finally gave up and made an appointment with the allergist. As soon as he heard that I had anxiety disorder, he gave me one of those looks like, “Oh no, not one of these types of patients”, and proceeded to enter into his computer all of my symptoms. The nurse came in and performed a breathing test where I had to take a huge gigantic breath, and with all my power, blow it into the machine as hard as I can until I literally see stars, and then suck it right back up as hard as I can. Let me tell ya - if you ever run out of alcohol, it’s the best alternative. Then she shoved an inhaler full of Albuterol. She took ten tubes of blood from me, which included tests for allergens such as: peanuts, latex/shellfish, different types of fruit and bee venom. Usually they give all the allergy skin graphs to see what pops up on your arm, but they only gave me a few. The doctor told me that I was a ‘high risk patient’ and he didn’t want to see a major emergency in his office, so he wanted to look at the blood first and then proceed with the skin graphs next week. He’s literally going to puncture me with five different species of bee venom. “You’re in a controlled environment, don’t worry. I'm even going to make you eat a shrimp dinner in front of me. You’ll be walking out of here just fine. However, in rare cases we do have medical equipment and staff to help out with any emergencies. ...But it’s rare, trust me.” “Trust me” sounded like, “We’re preparing for your funeral.”

Here’s the most embarrassing part of my visit: Madelene was sneezing and hacking up a lung while she was with me. The doctor was more concerned about her deviated septum than my anxiety over allergies. Each sneeze, the doctor would stop what he was doing with me and ask her a series of questions regarding her usage of nasal sprays and whatnot. I should have left her in the waiting room, but but but, because of my heightened anxiety, I made her tag along with me like a big mother hen just in case I started having some over-the-top reaction from something. (As if she would be able to help.) Then as Madelene went on her tenth sneeze in a row, I heard a ton of laughter over near the receptionist area by the entire staff. One of the nurses swung by the office door and said, “Are you sure you shouldn’t be the patient?” So, needless to say, Mad took my air time and spotlight.

Then the doctor turned to her and asked, “Does your Deb snore at night?” And before she could answer, he interrupts with, “Tell me the truth, she can’t attack you in here.” She looks at me, then looks at him and says, “Well, a very very light purr.” He stared at her for a moment. “A purr, eh?” Then he asked, “Does she stop breathing at night.” Once again, she looks at me and then looks at him. “Well, she wakes up with anxiety attacks.” Then he looks at me and asked, “What happens when you wake up?” So I told him, “I gasp for air.” --- “Ah ha!” he said, as though that was the exact answer he was looking for. So his bet is that I’m not allergic to one goddamn thing, but I did come there for a very important reason: sleep apnea. My sex life is over if I have to start wearing one of those CPAP masks. After the testing proves I’m negative for all, he wants to give me a sleeping test. If the tests to prove negative for all, I can then finally live my life without fear. I can finally go outside and not fear bees. I can finally eat healthy foods again and possibly shed a few pounds. It’s been a rough couple of years with all of these stupid ‘thought-to-be’ allergies (or perhaps real ones), so I’m anticipating negative results with a life well lived.

Then I get this message from Facebook. It’s an application called, “Messages From God”. Sometimes they’re really inspiring, and other times, it’s like some bizarre fortune cookie. This morning it says, “We believe God wants you to know that your body speaks the truth. When in doubt, ignore the thoughts in your mind and pay attention to your body - it doesn’t lie.” ---But does it lie when you have anxiety disorder and hypochondria?

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com

Challenging

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 06:26:04 PST

Maybe it’s because the holidays are over, or maybe it’s because it’s getting bitterly cold out there (as January should be), or maybe people are suffocating from the lack of sun and not getting a sufficient amount vitamin D. Whatever the reason is, I’m noticing a lot of cranky little critters running amuck. I had to take a ride to the grocery store the other day to pick up a few things and the place was just swarming with people. I had to go into the aisle where they had the Progresso soups and wait on a line to just see what was available. There was an employee stocking more onto the shelves while some customers were grabbing what they wanted. One lady grabbed a can of soup, looked at it and then put it back down on a lower shelf. The employee looked at her with such intense rage and screamed, “What the hell are you doing lady? Can’t you see I’m stocking these and you’re placing them in the wrong sections!!!?? Now put that back in its right place! I’m sick and tired of customers not giving a shit!!!” His face went bright red and well, so did hers. He looked like he was actually going to hit her. She was so shocked by his anger that she stared straight at him the whole time she was slowly placing the can of soup in its proper home. She looked scared for her life. Usually I say something to people who are absolutely rude to others, but this guy looked dangerous. He was an employee though! Because I was so upset seeing this woman traumatized by his inexcusable behavior, I got a manager and told him the entire story. I was never one to tattletale, but this was just downright psychotic. He should have been walked out in a straight jacket.

Then I thought about it a bit more while checking out my groceries. It seemed as though all the cashiers and baggers were mentally challenged. The cashier took my credit card and started jumping up and down pointing at my card and then screaming, “Pasquella! Pasquella! Pasquella!” When I looked up and smiled to see why he was doing that, he quickly got distracted and pointed outside and started yelling to his coworker who was bagging my groceries. “Look! Look! The sun is coming out Joe! Look! Look!” Now you may disagree with me or not, but I’m not so sure hiring mentally challenged citizens is a good idea for a major food chain. While I think it’s terrific that they’re out there working (sometimes harder than most people who aren’t mentally challenged), I also think it poses a great non-threatening OR threatening awkwardness or moment that can result in a very ugly scene. For example, the guy in my first paragraph that went absolutely nutty on the woman who put the can of soup it the wrong place - I had no idea he was mentally challenged. He was a nice looking guy in his mid-twenties dressed in khakis and a nice dress shirt with a smock. He didn’t appear to be mentally challenged, but as it turns out, he was. There are no social cues. There are no lines that they can see that shouldn’t be crossed. I used to think it was wonderful for stores to hire them, because it gave them a sense of worth and that people need them. They interact socially and perhaps, gain a better understanding of society. But when does it come to the point where we’re risking other people’s comfort zones and overall safety? Am I way out of line with this?

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com

RIP Amanda Cummings, Age 15

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 06:24:29 PST

The one thing that would throw me off the edge and possibly have my face on the front page of the news for murder is if my kid committed suicide over a bunch of reckless idiots bullying my child. Some would say that it would have been my kid’s choice. But what if the torment was so great that every single day of her existence was lived out of fear and the thought of a million malicious and vile words being thrown at her, where she had to just end it all to stop it? This beautiful girl, Amanda Cummings from Staten Island did just that. She was only 15 years old. She literally threw herself in front of a bus two days after Christmas. The awful part is - she was injured at first, but then died this past Monday. She suffered. I can’t even wrap my mind around the agony she went through with the verbal abuse, and then to had suffered so much physically. I can’t wrap my mind around the agony that her family is going through. Her mother wrote on her Facebook wall, “This is to all you evil son of a b*****s that picked on, talked about and threatened my baby, I HOPE YOU DIE and I HOPE YOU SUFFER!” Her sister then wrote, “AS A SISTER, A MOTHER, AND A HUMAN BEING WITH A BEATING HEART THAT IS BROKEN, I AM BEGGING YOU KIDS, ANYONE WITH ANY CONCRETE PROOF OF BULLYING TOWARD MY SISTER, PLEASE LET ME KNOW, PLEASE. I NEED WITNESSES WILLING TO STEP FORWARD TO MAKE LEGAL STATEMENTS. NOT JUST KIDS COMING OUT OF THE WOODWORK THAT WANT TO GOSSIP. THANK YOU!”

Amanda was dating a boy that her classmates were all jealous of. So they started bullying her relentlessly via Facebook and texting. This is what scares me about having kids of my own: technology. You hardly heard of this type of thing happening before the days of the internet and smart phones. I have nieces and nephews who are also getting into the gadget world and part of me just cringes to know that yes, a ten year old now has a Facebook account and a smart phone where she can send and receive texts to all of her friends. But what if it turns out to be a bullying type of situation? It’s a double edged sword though. You want your child to learn and adapt to our technological world, but in the same breath, is it worth it? See, kids these days are a bunch of cowards. Instead of going face-to-face and bullying them, they're sending anonymous texts and Facebook messages threatening and harassing them until they can't take it any longer. They don’t need to be brave any longer and say what’s on their mind out on the playground. They can simply go onto Facebook on their smart phones and send messages that may send the victim into a suicidal state of mind. My heart goes out to Amanda’s family. This is such a tragic thing that we should have all learned from. This is happening way too much and I’m afraid it’s going to touch close to home one day. Parents, please safeguard your children. Let them learn technology without Facebook accounts - without smart phones. I blame it on the anonymity that technology has to offer. I also blame Facebook for allowing kids under the age of 18 years old to create an account. Each person who has an account should enter a credit card number.

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com

Hypochondriacal Madness

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 07:37:27 PST

The hypochondriac was a regular in the emergency room -- so much so that when he didn't show up for a week, the staff took notice of his absence. He finally did show up again, and one doctor said, "Long time, no see. Where have you been?" "Sorry I couldn't make it in," the hypochondriac said. "I was feeling sick."

There are some people in my life who think all my medical issues, ailments and whatnot are ‘all in the head’ - that I’m a hypochondriac, and although that may very well be true, I still plan on engraving, “I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK” on my tombstone. For instance, one night I had chest pains. It felt like what everyone described it as: an elephant sitting on your chest. Then, the pain radiated down from my jaw (a known symptom) and straight down into my left arm. Of course this all seems to happen at midnight and Madelene hops into her jeans and carts me off to the ER. Being in a constant state of hypochondriacal alertness, needless to say the emergency room staff knows me well. “Hey Deb!” Then they whisper and sometimes, you can hear them say, “Give her the usual”, as if I were a regular customer at some rundown diner. The nurses greet me, smile, gently walk over to me as though I was some lunatic and then, take my vitals, smack on about a dozen sticky things for the EKG machine and then roll in this huge chest x-ray machine. (The overuse of the x-ray machine leaves me thinking about too much radiation of course....another mania.) After the blood work to see if anything actually did happen, the doctor comes in about four hours later. And with each visit, he seems to be taking more time. I guess that’s a hint. They all give me the same blanket diagnosis, just like when you get an infection on your hand or foot - they all label you with a “spider bite”.

“You have costochondritis, which is an inflammation of the cartilage that connects a rib to the breastbone. It mimics symptoms of a heart attack. You’re fine. Your heart is in great shape. Take a couple of ibuprofens and rest up.” Although it’s a great relief to know it wasn’t my heart, it makes me wonder how many more times do I have to keep attending these ER functions. What if I ignore the symptoms of a heart attack, which for me is this “costochondritis” thing? Many of times, I come in with an allergic reaction. My tongue swells up where I can barely talk and they just wanna throw a buncha’ steroids into my system. I always refuse the steroids and end up popping two Benadryls, but the fact is - I hate taking Benadryl because get this - I “think” I’m allergic to it too. It gives me heart palpitations and it does NOT make me drowsy - it does the opposite. It gives me anxiety where I cannot sleep for almost two straight days. I even carry an EpiPen in my purse. This particular mania started when Madelene and I went out for sushi and both of our tongues swelled up to the point of us lisping every word. We had to get the EMTs to help us because we were experiencing such severe reactions. So it wasn’t “all in my head”, because Madelene had it too. (Yes, this strangely made me feel better.)

Today I have an appointment with the allergist. My biggest fear is the allergy testing. They poke you with whatever they think you’re allergic to, and your skin is supposed to rise up if you are allergic to it. It’s supposed to be a slight reaction, but my fear is, what if later on that “slight” reaction becomes a bigger problem with the slew of allergens that are injected in me? See how my noggin works? They say that for extremely allergic patients, they can actually get anaphylactic shock while being tested. So I’m opting out for the skin testing and doing blood work instead so that they can find out externally and let me live in peace. The doctor ensured me that everything is done in a controlled environment and I have nothing to worry about. Then there’s the internet. What an awful source for information when you’re freaking out about something regarding a medical crisis...or perhaps just having a hypochondriacal episode. In fact, the worst thing to do while you’re having chest pains, allergic reactions or any other medical condition is to Google it. There are a bunch of nimrods out there that’ll scare the living daylights out of you. I once had these sharps pains radiating from the lower right side of my abdomen. I went online and found a message board with a bunch of people complaining about the same thing. One person scared the crap out of me and said, “If you don’t get to the ER fast enough, the poison in your appendix will kill you!” So guess where I ended up fifteen minutes later? Yep. And the results were: a small cyst on my ovary that’ll eventually burst in a couple of weeks. No biggie. And mind you - it was nowhere near my reproductive area - it was exactly where ...umm... Google said it would be.

And to add onto to this, my own therapist gave me advice. She said, “Turn up the radio.” I was puzzled. She said, “Whenever you feel a ‘symptom’ coming on ---simply turn up the radio and ignore it. It’s your body’s way of trying to get attention. Once you stop paying attention to it - it’ll move on. Just like a baby will throw its bottle on the floor over and over again to get the mother’s attention. Once the mother stops picking it up, the baby will most likely refrain from doing it again.” Interestingly enough, I took her advice. I had chest pains one night, looked at Madelene and smiled. “Nope. Not going to the ER.” She looked concerned and yet, relieved. It got worse and worse and I held my chest saying to myself, “It’s just muscle inflammation or something weird...” And yes, it did go away. But what if, within those minutes it was actually a heart attack? (I guess I wouldn’t be typing right now.) The doctor in the ER always tells me, "When in doubt, check it out." Then my therapist tells me, "We have to stop entertaining our neuroses.” How can someone not respond to a potentially dangerous pain? I guess I’ll just leave it in fate’s hands.

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com

Resolutions & Expectations

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 07:30:33 PST

Just like Valentine’s Day, I sometimes feel like New Year’s Eve is somewhat a forced holiday. It’s meant to rise up sales of restaurants and bars, and have people celebrate irresponsibly and kiss an unnecessary amount of people after the ball drops. I remember as a child my parents would hold these huge New Year’s Eve parties and when the ball dropped, every single adult wanted to give me these big wet & sloppy kisses. I ran like hell before the ball even made it down to “5”... But the one thing that gets me is all of those resolutions, and most of all, the expectations. They all lead to one thing: disappointments. My sister put it well while talking with her daughter. She said, “What’s your ‘goal’ for 2012?” Doesn’t that sound so much better? I think goals are so important - to dream about what you want, desire or to become. An unmet goal sounds so much better than a failed resolution. Many resolve to lose weight or exercise more. Why on the first day of January as you’re sitting home eating leftover munchies from the night before watching The Honeymooners? (Ok, so that’s what I did.) But what about say, April 4th? (I know, random.) Any day can be a new day. Just like Valentine’s Day, you can show love to your other half any day of the year. The florists are open all year round.

I’m going to have to admit that people were especially nicer on New Year’s Eve. Perhaps they were all looking forward to the festivities later on that evening, but when I walked into the stores, (especially the liquor store), I found that people were so incredibly friendly. One man saw me struggling to lift my box of wine (and no, not "box wine", but a box full of wines) and he immediately dropped all of his stuff and packed my goodies into the trunk of my car. He smiled and said, “Happy New Year to you!” And as he did, I debated whether or not to give him one of my twenty lotto tickets that I had stuffed in my pocket. Instead, I just said, “Thank you.” I’m getting cheap in my old age. But why can’t people be that nice on any given day of the week? Usually, they’re all muddling around grumbling about life and God forbid you bump into them - they sneer and snarl at you as if you were Satan himself. No, “Have a nice day” or “Pardon me” - and then again I think, maybe it’s because I live in New York...? If you bumped into someone in Savannah, GA, I’d reckon ya’ll would be seeing a different story. You bump into them and they’d help you dust yourself off. Not sure where I instantly gained a southern accent there. I’m coveting now.

The one thing I always notice is, whenever I have a “planned” party, it seems a bit subdued and quiet - not crazy, funny and silly like my usual spontaneous gigs. Every time I have an unexpected event, it’s usually the best ones ever. Again, I think it has to do with expectations and then being slightly disappointed in the results of it. But nonetheless, I had a nice quiet evening, although I was a bit under the weather. In fact, I didn’t even drink. I held a glass of wine around the entire evening and then at 12 midnight, shared a bottle of champagne with my wife watching the ball drop. Oddly enough, we stayed up till 3am and had such a great time together. Madelene never gets bored. She is happy ‘where she is’ - where I get bored at the drop of a hat. She is happy anywhere. I wish I had some of her qualities. It must make life a lot more easier, rather than to be grumpy and disgruntled over busted plans. I remember we went to The Hamptons and rented out this luxury condo. (The photo on the left is my mom, myself & my sister.) We brought my parents and my oldest sister with us. The first day it was sunny, 80 degrees and beautiful. We were so excited to spend time on our deck overlooking the beach and just relax for one entire week. But when nightfall began, it started to rain and ended when we left. While in the midst of these side-swiping torrential rains, Madelene was holding up her glass, turning up the music and dancing around. My sister and I were on the couch...disgruntled and bored to tears. My parents were doing their thing, cooking, eating and somewhat content. But my sis and I? We were gonna pull our hair out. My sister looks at me, while she’s watching Madelene dance around with a cocktail in her hand and says, “She’s gonna live past 100 - I can feel it.” Even when Mad expects “this” and gets “that” - she’s accepting it and making the best of it. We eventually joined Madelene in her solo festivities. It wasn't so bad after all.

Maybe that’s a resolution I should make: making the best of life. Doesn’t sound so shabby, but is it realistic enough for me? And if I make a resolution like “losing weight” or “exercising more” - I instantly gain weight and become increasingly inactive. It never ceases to amaze me. In any event, I hope your New Year’s resolutions, or “goals” reach your expectations, or perhaps, you can make the best of what comes out of it.

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com

Our 2011 Journey, With Open Arms for 2012

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 16:49:27 PST

Here we go! Although there is so much to be grateful for, I sometimes wonder about God's sense of humor. This year was definitely about change and transitioning in many ways. I received good news and I received bad news. But I have hope. I have hope that this year is all about faith, health, happiness and togetherness. Sometimes life gives us small to large tests depending on whatever you can handle, and that's the time to stop right in your tracks and see it for what it is...or what it isn't. So, I give you our moments of 2011. Some happy, some bizarre, some frustrating and of course, new friends we met on the way to 2012.

First, Mad gets her haircut by Ryan Nickulas from The A-List New York.

It all started right before last Christmas of 2010 while watching The A-List NY on LOGO. I had no clue what to get Madelene for a present, and then it hit me: her favorite cast member, Ryan Nickulas owns a salon in the West Village in NYC. I didn't know how I was going to do it, but I was going to treat her to a day of beauty and of course, meet Ryan. I hopped on Twitter and got in contact with Ryan himself. He was available and awaiting our appointment after the new year. So, starting in January of 2011, Madelene got her hair did by her favorite boy, and on top of that, he also was interested in being part of our documentary, which I was thrilled about. He welcomed us in his home February 4th (on my birthday) and poured his heart out. We had a blast with him. I am very grateful for his hospitality as well as contributing to our project. Below is the clip he did for us. Thanks for starting off our 2011 on a good foot, Ryan!

If you cannot view this video, please click here.

Mad's birthday quickly approached us and we enjoyed time with our family and friends celebrating.
As the year went on, my father had begun radiation since he was diagnosed with cancer in 2010. He underwent a few surgeries and for the most part, feeling quite miserable. As a family, we did everything we could to let him know he was loved and taken care of, however the anxiety and panic of what he was going through tore my heart out. To see "Superman", aka Dad become scared (and for good reason) was heartbreaking. He was the most fearless and happy man I have ever known. Things really changed a lot and I finally saw that Dad was a very vulnerable man; a man full of fear and sadness. I saw Mom struggle along with him, staying up all night while he had insomnia or was in pain and trying to do anything she could to comfort him. That was very much a somber part of the year to see him go through so much. As he progresses these days, he has gotten better, but a few more procedures to go. 2012 is a year where he will get through this. I have faith.

On a lighter, (or on a much heavier note?) -- we endured and survived the end of the world, predicted by Harold Camping.

Then there was the moving process. We went from city folk to mountaintop hillbillies. It was quite a change for us, since all we heard were sirens, domestic fights and cars zipping through at every hour of the day and night. In the new location, we only heard crickets, frogs (which were loud mind you) and the occasional dog barking a few acres away. The views were gorgeous and better yet, I was closer to my parents so I could help out if they needed anything.

With beautiful views, comes dreadful renovations and touchups....

And not for nuttin', but Mad would handle contacting the 'right people' to do the job and then they would come over, do a half-ass job and have us do the rest. She really put me to work!

And beyond what anything we could have done, there were tons of contractors in and out, from maintenance men to bee exterminators, which had to come back ten million times. We had such a bad bee problem that even the exterminators were baffled.Then Madelene decided to brave it and attack these critters herself. It was so funny to watch that I had to get my camera out for this.

If you cannot view this video, please click here.

And then, we found the culprit on a branch that was way too high to even reach...
It was peaceful for a while, until we heard news that hurricane Irene was headed straight for New York. They advised all NYC residents to evacuate up north where we were. When the hurricane finally swept through our area, we were the ones that got hit the hardest, while NYC looked like any other rainy day. There were tons of power outages in the area, many roads that were literally cracked open, so needless to say, endless detours. It devastated homes and businesses. People were actually traveling around in boats in certain areas. It just gives you a grim reminder of our fierce Mother Nature can be. The pictures below are courtesy of my friend Laura Duggan.

And then...there was the earthquake that hit New York. I was sitting at my desk working from home when all of the sudden, my desk started shaking back and forth. The only damage is what happened in my kitchen in the photo below. Tragedy.

With the autumn weather moving in, we finally felt a bit more settled into our new place. There was a lot of adjusting, lots of tweaking and new things that had to still be installed. Other than that, September was a very quiet month. We were all still reeling from the hurricane. It was definitely a shock to our systems. But oddly enough, when October arrived, it seemed to come in so beautifully. Watch how these photos change drastically...

And then...the snowstorm of October of 2011 comes barreling in...
(All photos were taken from the deck of my house.)
Many people were out of power, branches and trees were down, but oddly enough and once again, we were lucky.

We got in touch with old friends, and made new ones on the way. One in particular came over and cooked her famous Puerto Rican food for us. We had a blast and it was good to finally get some quality friendships in before the New Year. Thank you, Zee! She and her partner were our first guests to come over and warm our home.

It's been a crazy year for us, a lot of stressful moments as well as wonderful ones too. Tonight, I'm celebrating all the hard times that have only made my family & my marriage only that much closer and stronger. I'm celebrating all the laughter that's been shared, all the wonderful moments with each special person in my life and overall, thanking God that everyone is healthy and okay and will continue to have better and better years ahead. So I wish you and your family a very healthy and prosperous New Year! Let's not even think about the Mayan Calendar...

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com

The Fear of Crossing Over

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 17:39:06 PST

If you cannot view this video, please click here.

If you cannot see this video, please click here.

There’s something much larger than us. As I said in my previous post, it’s too much of a mystery for us to figure it out, but what if people like Ben Breedlove who has cheated death three times and then tells us that there is something out there? Ben’s fourth time resulted in death on Christmas night due to a heart condition. Will the atheists start believing? Will all spiritual and religious people stop fearing death? It’s life’s biggest kept secret - biggest mystery - biggest fear. It’ll never downgrade or be seen as something we never think about on a daily basis. I wonder how his mother feels - does she believe he’s okay? Does it make her own questioning about the mystery of death any lesser? Or, does she believe that what Ben was seeing was purely out of visions manifesting from his brain? No one is ever convinced, even when this happens to a loved one. At the end of this video, it appeared to me that Ben was hoping it would happen again, as he stated that he never wanted to leave that place he was at while he died for three minutes. There is a scripture from the Bible that I do believe which gives me comfort. If you’re not a Christian, you can apply it accordingly.

What Will Happen to Us When We Die?

“We know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down--when we die and leave these bodies---we will have a home in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long for the day when we will put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. For we will not be spirits without bodies, but we will put on new heavenly bodies. Our dying bodies make is groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and have no bodies at all. We want to slip into our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by everlasting life. God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit. So we are always home with the Lord. That is why we live by believing and not by seeing. Yes, we are at home with the Lord. So our aim is to please him always, whether we are here in this body or away from this body. For we must all stand before Christ to be judged, We will each receive whatever we deserve for the god or evil we have done in our bodies.” --2 Corinthians 5:1-10

“That is why we live by believing and not by seeing.” -- That can be a hard pill to swallow for someone who has many doubts about the afterlife. It also states this in John 20:29. How can we as “ordinary people” believe something without proof? And even though I, personally, have had many spiritual experiences that led me to believe that there is a God, my mind (or the devil) asks, “Will you even get into heaven though?” --So many Christians or “religious” people fear the worst: hell. Okay - so there’s is an afterlife, but where will we go? What irritates me about organized religion, churches, etc., is that many of the people of the cloth will scare you into believing that if you are not perfect, that you will perish in hell. They instill this guilt inside your heart, so that your natural instincts as a human being should be altered. There are rules and regulations. There are “conditions”. Isn’t God unconditional love? What does unconditional love mean? I feel bad for “religious” people who constantly walk around with this aching guilt that never seems to subside. They’ve been brainwashed by----people, not God. They’ve been taught since birth that “this is right” and “this is wrong”. Christians who have been taught that the sins of yesterday (Old Testament) still applies today. Then why did Jesus die? “But what if we seek to be made right with God through faith in Christ and then find out that we are still sinners? Has Christ led us into sin? Of course not! Rather, I make myself guilty if I rebuild the old system I already tore down. For when I tried to keep the law, I realized I could never earn God’s approval. So I died to the law so that I might live for God. I have been crucified with Christ. I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me. So I live my life in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not one for those who treats the grace of God as meaningless. **For if we could be saved by keeping the law, then there was no need for Christ to die.”**

That one sentence says it all: {“For if we could be saved by keeping the law, then there was no need for Christ to die.”}  Then you have this passage:

“You and I are Jews by birth, not ‘sinners’ like the Gentiles. And yet we Jewish Christians know that we become right with God, not by doing what the law commands, but by faith in Jesus Christ. So we have believed in Christ Jesus, that we might be accepted by God because of our faith in Christ-and not because we have obeyed the law. ***For no one will ever be saved by obeying the law.***” ~Galatians 2:15-16

So in my own opinion, if you don’t believe that your sins are washed away completely, then you’re basically not believing that Jesus’ death actually did take away your sins - that His death was meaningless. But that’s “my” belief, as well as it is written in the Bible. I have had other Christians debate me on this topic because they still believe the old law applies to Christians. Basic rules, like love God and love your neighbor - the things that make someone a decent human being - but not things like eating crustaceans of the sea, or being gay or lesbian, as Leviticus states.

My point of this post is to ask the question: are we still scared? We avoid certain things so we can cheat death ourselves. We try to “be safe” and not live on the edge. Through my own spiritual experiences which are in my book, I know for a fact that our bodies are labored here on earth - our breathing is “work” - our limbs weight a TON, and the emotional pain (even if we’re somewhat happy) is excruciating. We feel too much. We think too much. We fear too much. We self-medicate so we can feel...numb. “Numb” - is how we feel on the other side, or what mimics it. Why do you think so many people are on painkillers without the pain, or the abuse of alcohol or drugs? It aids in the human condition which is pain. We are all in pain and if someone says they aren’t - they aren’t looking at it in a physical/emotional all-being aspect because they don’t know what the other option feels like. We’ve become so immune to this “pain” (that seems painless), that we tend to think this’ll how we’ll feel when we’re on the other side.

Jesus said this before He left us:

"Don't be troubled. You trust God, now trust in me. There are many rooms in my Father's home, and I am going to prepare a place for you. If this were not so, I would tell you plainly. When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. And you know where I am going and how to get there." --John 14:1-4

“I am leaving you with a gift---peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn’t like the peace the world gives. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” --John 14:27

What do you believe happens to you when we cross over? Or do you even believe that we cross over at all?

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com

Do We All Secretly Live In Fear?

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 10:33:44 PST

It’s no wonder that the biggest of all debates, besides the political ones, are religious ones. It’s amazing to see people battle with something, or (someone) that they absolutely cannot prove. Some will scroll down to a scripture in their bible to prove its truth, but when a bible or any scroll has been written by man and translated a bazillion times, how can we go by this? Faith is the answer. No one can argue with what you believe in, unless of course you have scientific proof to back it up - and I don’t mean testimonials, (although I love hearing them). Some people believe that religion was “invented” so we as humans wouldn’t have to fear death. It was meant to be some sort of security blanket for all who were scared. I’m grateful that my belief is truth to me, and yet, there’s that small little seed of doubt about my afterlife. I accept it because it’s completely normal due to living in my physical being. But all of those unexplainable happenings, revelations, spiritual experiences - something has to be out there. Then you have mental illness claims to throw into the batch of people who believe they have seen or experienced something spiritual. In fact, for the people who had died momentarily in the hospital and made it back - they all have that similar ‘I went through a tunnel and saw a light’ experience, and some even say that they have seen relatives greet them. Then science slaps them in the face to say that when we do ‘check out’ - our brain manifests that image, like shutting down a computer.

“My” truth is - science will never coincide with spiritual faith. Why would God want us to figure it all out? We would have nothing to stand on - no hope - no mystery - no tests without saying, “Oh, I know what’s going on here...” When people are staring death in the face, it’s amazing all the things they come to realize. I love Steve Jobs' quote on death. It gives a dose of reality with a touch of grimness to it... “No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It is life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.” ---And while we all want to believe that there is a higher being, statements like these make you kind of wonder, even if you’re the most religious person.

What about Colton Burpo? This 11 year old boy claims he has seen Jesus while he was dead momentarily when his appendix bursted in 2003. Taken from this article, it reads, “During an automobile trip, when Sonja Burpo asked him about his memories of being in the hospital, little Colton replied: 'Yes, Mommy, I remember — that’s where the angels sang to me.' A sweet answer, to be sure — but then Colton made his parents’ jaws drop when he told them about sitting in Jesus’ lap, watching his parents while he lay seemingly near death, and meeting his great-grandfather. But most poignantly, Colton described meeting a sibling in heaven — even though he had no way of knowing that his mother had miscarried two years before he was born, since his parents had never told him. Todd Burpo began telling of his son’s heaven-sent visions from the pulpit of the Crossroads Wesleyan Church in Imperial, Neb., where he serves as pastor. Word of mouth spread, and the family landed a book deal. The book — “Heaven Is for Real,” written by Todd with co-writer Lynn Vincent — has become a best-seller, with some 1.5 million copies in print since its release in November. Little Colton nearly didn’t make it: He lay in a hospital bed for 17 days. When he finally rallied, the family rejoiced — but they were floored when, months later, the boy began matter-of-factly describing what he had experienced when he was in between life and death: seeing Jesus dressed in royal purple, meeting John the Baptist, having angels sing to him to ease his anxiety.”

Of course, many people speculated that the boy was pushed by his parents to write the book, but what if this is real? What if what Colton says is the absolute truth? There are so many stories like his and no scientific proof to back it all up. Even if Colton's brain produced these types of images while he was “in heaven” - it must give him a lot of peace about the afterlife, as we all scurry about in fear of the inevitable. Do you think if we knew what happens to us after this life that it would eliminate all of our anxieties? When I have an anxiety attack, I automatically think “heart attack”. Sometimes, it’s so strong that I actually believe it’s some weird allergic reaction that I can die from. Fear. It does strange things to normal everyday people. But the source of the fear stems from the fear of death itself. Or am I way off base on this?

This next video is not only for gay and lesbians, this is for everyone because at the end of this clip, Oprah makes such a profound statement:

"When you begin to realize that you are more than your body, that your purpose is greater than your profession or your career, that every life, because you were born, you have a right to be here. And there is a calling on your life. It means you live your life without fear and you know that no matter what happens - no matter what happens - you are going to be alright...you are going to be alright. That's what spirituality is to me." ~Oprah Winfrey

If you cannot view this video, please click here.

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com

Is It Over Yet?

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 18:23:37 PST

Yes and no. The holidays seem to be passing us by very quickly as usual, perhaps a bit slower for those who have just recently had a breakup or divorce. We got through Christmas, but then there’s New Year’s Eve, the one night of the year where you actually stay up past 12 midnight and spend time with your closest friends and family, and of course, hopefully the love of your life. If you’re not with the one you love, the entire night (and I speak for most people having been through it) is that you constantly wonder what he or she is doing that very minute. When New Year’s Day and a nice ripe hangover arrives, you’ll be much better off watching marathon episodes of The Honeymooners and popping Advil. It’s done and over with...or is it? You get only one month to rest and BAM -- Valentine’s Day will be creeping up before you know it. I don’t care if you spend that evening with a bunch of single women -- you’re. going. to. think. about. him/her. What a bullshit holiday designed to boost florist and restaurant sales and of course, to break hearts already broken. If you’re coupled up or married and this is the one holiday you look forward to -- your relationship is in jeopardy. You should have “Valentine’s Day” every single day if you truly love the person you are with. I remember when Madelene and I would scout out restaurants to forcefully do the ‘couple’ thing on Valentine’s Day and wait hours just to get seated and receive horrible service due to the busyness. A homemade dinner is the best thing you can do in my opinion. (Chocolates are always a plus on any day!)

Let me rewind a little bit back to the New Year’s Eve gig. I hate it. I don’t ever go out during this time for a few reasons: 1. I don’t want to drive. Even if you’re not driving, it’s the other people you have to watch out for. 2. I hate “forced drinking nights”. I usually stay sober on New Year’s Eve oddly enough. 3. Apparently, my age is catching up with me. But regardless - it’s highly overrated in my opinion. And who the hell would want to spend their New Year’s Eve in Times Square? It’s usually colder than Alaska, millions of people are swarmed into one general area, and the worst case scenario ---you’ll need a bathroom. Ever since 9/11, Every year, I have watched Times Square partying, wondering if another tragedy would take place. I know, I’m a total 'Debbie Downer' today, but these are the things I think about. It makes sense though - the one time of year where millions of people are gathered would be a prime opportunity for some whack job to ignite his suitcase bomb. “Happy New Year!” No noise makers needed. My suggestion for a great New Year’s Eve is to invite your favorite people over, make some goodies, have some cocktails and make room for sleepovers.

"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves." ~Bill Vaughan

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com

Faking 'Happiness' on Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (Deb) — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 07:20:42 PST

Years ago, I remember running around doing last minute Christmas shopping used to be fun. I actually did it on purpose. All the decorations were in full bloom, people seemed happier and the overall feel for the holiday was much more evident. Yesterday, as I was driving store to store, I realized it’s no longer that ‘quaint joyous feeling’ - it’s become absolute rage and chaos. Between traffic being backed up for miles and people trying to nudge their way into the mess, one kid almost slammed right into my passenger side of my car. I kept beeping and beeping, but he kept coming. I had to go on the other side of the lane in order to avoid him. Of course, I ‘silent screamed’ at him through my windows with a few choice words, but then, I saw his face. He had the face of a pitiful and stressed out young man. I read his lips: “I’m so sorry! I am so so sorry!” He had his hands up as if he was surrendering. Then it dawned on me: I’m the holiday bitch from hell. The kid really didn’t see me, even it I had the right of way. I had to reel it in and take a few deep breaths. It’s funny how we’re more polite face-to-face, but once we’re in the safety of our cars, we become deadly enemies full of road rage.

Lately, my mother has been hanging out in the emergency room because she is prone to getting cellulitis (infection of the skin), to where it becomes very dangerous. (And yes, that's my mom in that picture taken with my phone in the ER.) It’s always the same drill: antibiotic drip, and a long, long wait to get the prescription and check out. While we were waiting, I had her laughing so hard, she was in tears. The nurses were all coming into our section trying to join in on our little ER party - even went as far to invite us to their holiday party - and that’s when we knew we’ve been visiting this place a bit too much. I said to mom, “We know them on first name basis now, do you realize this?” Then she pointed out all of my hypochondriacal visits to the ER and blamed me for being ‘well-known’. As we left, the nurses said, “It’s nice to have people like you to lift us up during the holidays!” I remember last Christmas Eve, I came home and started having chest pains. Madelene rushed me into the ER and the staff hooked me up to EKGs, took blood from my arm, gave me chest x-rays and then said, “Are you stressed out?” I didn’t think I was, but after the clean bill of health, they had told me that many people come into the ER on Christmas Eve. Most people are sad, stressed out, or have been with their family for long periods of time (perhaps too long), and end up having chest pains or heart attack-like symptoms. Others come in with those symptoms due to indigestion or alcohol poisoning. Many patients take their frustrations out on the hospital staff and start threatening them or even assaulting them in some cases. Hats off to anyone who works in the ER on Christmas Eve.

If you really think about it, Christmas isn’t fun at all for most adults. Stressors from 'what to cook' to entertaining family and friends to even the tugging of whose family to visit, or worse off, no family to visit. It depends. Christmas can be so devastating for so many people. An old friend called me up yesterday who happened to be in town for the holidays visiting family. While having a quick ‘catch up’ conversation, she bursted into tears over the phone telling me how unhappy she is. I tried giving her the best advice I could give, but ended up crying to her instead. We both laughed through our tears and realized how lucky we were to have such a friendship. I think many people are bursting at the seams with tears. Holding them back only creates that tension that sometimes manifests into anger, ie: road rage, angry shoppers, etc., etc. We’re all trying to ‘keep it together’ and be ‘joyous’ and some of it is genuine, but if you look deep enough into the crowd, you’ll notice many watery eyes waiting to burst at any given moment. It’s not only that, but people get desperate due to loss of employment, which creates the most honest of all people robbing stores or doing things out of their character just to have Christmas the way it used to be. They don’t want to disappoint their family. What makes this holiday so heart wrenching? It starts with Thanksgiving, but there is something about Christmas that makes people feel obligated about being happy, or perhaps, faking it?

What if we could just look at this holiday as just another ordinary day - (an extraordinary birthday) - but an ordinary day nonetheless? What if we stop focusing on trying to please everyone and realize that this holiday is about Jesus’ birthday? It’s about doing what Jesus wants you to do: being kind to others, giving to others (in any form you can), spending time with your family (does not have to be blood-related, but chosen family), and creating an atmosphere of relief. “Happiness” may be a forced word, so I would say “relief” - a place where you can go to feel relieved of all the anxiety, stress and sadness. A place where you can just be yourself, give of yourself and forgive yourself for feeling so down on this holiday. And if you’re spending it alone, make it special. Treat yourself. Put candles all around your bathroom, and soak in a bubble bath while sipping your favorite wine listening to your favorite music. Do something for “you”. And for those people who are suicidal, remember - Christmas is over in 2 more days. You can party next week on New Year’s Eve that you’re still here with us.

And now, I will try to take my own advice and gather my composure when the next idiot pushes his way through the traffic and cuts me off. I will lower my ‘bitch-o-meter’ and try to smile and say, “It’s okay, go right ahead of me.” It may hurt and I may hold back a few choice words, but it may be the one person I come across who’s holding onto his last thread in life. So be nice! Tip more! Smile more! Love more! And...laugh more!

And to all my readers, family & friends, Merry Christmas & Happy Hanukkah!

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com