Let Me Go On and On!

Gays of Faith Part 2 (Rough Edit for Youtube)

deb@debrapasquella.com (Deb) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 08:35:59 PST

Here's a segment that's just chopped up to fit Youtube, featuring Amy Beckerman and her lifetime partner, Ann Walling.

Was It All Worth It?

deb@debrapasquella.com (Deb) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 07:03:50 PST

We all wonder what our purpose in life is. We all tinker around with the thoughts of “destiny” and “as fate would have it”, but we usually never look at our current and past situations and realize that everything we have done was meant for a reason, everyone we have loved were all part of the plan, and every job or career we have held is all stepping stones to where we are right now. Even if they were the crappiest jobs or even the most challenging lovers in the past, they were all there to teach us something, regardless. What about someone who has never held a job before? They’re mission in life can be as simple as making people laugh, loving their significant other so that they can reach their potential “fate” in life or helping people in any aspect or form. Our purpose in life is not to obtain the upmost highest career or to get rich and famous - our purpose, in my opinion, is on a personal viewing screen that only God can see. Have you ever read or saw the movie, The Five People You Meet in Heaven, written by Mitch Albom? The main character was the head of the maintenance crew at an amusement park. It shows his “simple” life, but when he dies and goes to heaven, he realizes that his life was much more significant than he once had thought.

I’m a total believer in why people get so disappointed, depressed and lose hope in life, due to “things not going their way”. Maybe it wasn’t destined and you were only supposed to learn something out of it. But how many people can realistically say that they have faith in that concept 100%? It’s hard when you try so hard to accomplish something or achieve a goal in life, to only get turned down 101 times. Your self-esteem dwindles to a pile of ashes and you end up crying a river for a few days over something that was probably never meant to be. I’ll never forget when I was so desperately trying to get into shows, doing auditions and even going up being a stand up comedian to try to get my foot in the door so to speak. I always had the mindset of: this is just going to be a fun experience. I never expected anymore from it. I remember my last audition was with the show, Girls Behaving Badly, a candid camera type of gig that played really bad pranks on people (which I’m so good at doing in real life). My friends kept saying, “Oh my GAWD Deb, you should totally be in this show!” Their audition was a bit different from the norm. They had it in a comedy club called, Comic Strip Live in NYC. All the three main characters of the show were there to judge me, like American Idol. There were a room full of a hundred or so people just watching, and also competing for the same position I was. How am I going to make these people, who want MY job to laugh? I had to do a 2 minute stand up comedy routine and win these judges over. I did my thing, even politically incorrect, possibly ‘thought to be’ racist jokes in front of a melting pot of an audience and found that every single person was hysterically laughing. Long story short, I came out #5 out of 100 girls competing. I grabbed my things and headed out of the club . . . with a huge smile on my face. Madelene was waiting outside because she wasn’t allowed into the auditions, but from the look on my face, she thought I had it in the bag. I didn’t. I just had the best time of my life, and in the process, I made 100 people laugh for 2 minutes. After the audition, Madelene and I spent the rest of the day in the city, going out to lunch, shopping and having the best time of our lives in the Big Apple. It was so worth it. It’s not that I didn’t want it as much as the other people, because I was ready to grab that position and head off to LA and do my thing on the West Coast. I was totally prepared for it, but it didn’t happen for me. All of my friends, especially my best friend Lisa had been waiting for the call to say, “I got it! I got it!” She did get that call - but it was a prank. I told her, “Get your stuff and come to LA with me! I got it”, with the sounds of happy tears flowing, because well, I’m one hell of an actress sometimes. She was like, “Oh my God!!!” I eventually told her the truth and she just said, “Ugh, you really should have gotten that job you idiot.” Over lunch, I told Madelene that whatever happens to me, whatever career I fall into will eventually happen, but right now, I’m really enjoying my time with you in the ‘here and now’, and that to me, is all that matters.

Recently, I had a conversation with someone who is a sculptor. His work is magnificent and his passion for art is amazing. He had said that he hasn’t done anything in quite some time because he wasn’t making money out of it. We then spoke about the documentary that I’m doing and he said, “As long as you make money for it - make sure you get money for all that hard work”, and I simply said, “Why? If my passion for filmmaking and writing is there, the money will come, and if it doesn’t, then at least for the main purpose of this project----voices will be heard.” That is the sole purpose of my project: is to have people tell their stories about their struggles of getting to where they are right now. I want people to share with others how they have overcome extreme adversities in their lives and how it as affected them today, as well as the many successful turnouts which enabled them to voice their hearts to everyone who has a willing ear. Even with my book I had published - it. is. not. about. the. money. It is about helping people and sharing my life with others who may relate in some way or another. I want other people to have a medium to which they can help others in the same situations.

I also want to point something out that I think is really important. Four years ago, I was only writing. I don’t say “only” in a ‘less than’ term, I meant, it was my start for other ways to get my message out there. It was then I had met Amy Ferzoco, a talented filmmaker and producer for many reality TV shows as well as documentaries for Discovery Channel, HBO and MTV. She taught me the basics in just making a video and plopping it onto Youtube. Over time, she started showing me movie programs and teaching me how to include affects and add funny things to it to make my little clips seem more appealing. If it wasn’t for her taking the time to teach me all of this, I would have never been where I am today. So I am totally grateful that she came into my life, because not only was she helpful in my life in other ways, but she has given me another medium to speak out from. With that, I sincerely thank her from the bottom of my heart. Our paths crossed for a reason and I hope in some way, that my being in her life was helpful to her as well.

We may never know the true purpose of our lives, but we can definitely get a glimpse of what we have learned in the past to better our future.

My question to you is: Was it all worth it?

The Electro Shock Therapy Comedy Hour - Amy Beckerman

deb@debrapasquella.com (Deb) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 15:31:43 PST

Sorry I have been out of the loop with keeping up with my blog, but we went to go visit Amy Beckerman and her partner Ann Walling to do an interview for my documentary and then decided to grab a bit of her comedy piece at The Electro Shock Therapy Comedy Hour so all of you to get a few laughs at and see how incredible this comedian really is. I hope you enjoy this as much as we did! We had such a blast hanging out with them last night, going out to dinner and then going to see Amy's show which was phenomenal!

If you are ever in the NYC area and want to see a great show, please visit Amy Beckerman's site for more detailed scheduling. You'll be hungover from laughter!

Bad for the Heart...

deb@debrapasquella.com (Deb) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 07:35:13 PST

Yesterday I was having a lot chest pains and shortness of breath. Usually, when I go into the ER, they make me take EKG tests, blood work and other cardio tests to ensure that it’s nothing more than anxiety or a bubble of gas. I’ve gone so many times to the emergency room that doctors already know the answer to my ailments. I feel as though they’re all saying, “Oh it’s her again,” as I walk through the ER doors. Last night, I refused to get medical help with my chest pains. Madelene wanted to drive me to the emergency room, but the thought of waiting for hours upon hours to hear it was nothing more than mere indigestion just didn’t sit well with me. I said, “I’m leaving it in God’s hands,” and then went to sleep. This morning though, I felt a tad better, but with a lot of anxiety about what had happened. I’m going to the doctor this afternoon to get a brief checkup and an EKG reading, which sometimes doesn’t even tell you what’s really going on. Pointless.

My stress levels have been rising lately and partially due to my new project. It should be good excitement, but I’m feeling the side effects of all that positive excitement into a bundle of anxiety. The “what ifs” come to mind and now that I have a couple of well known people that will be in this film, the pressure is slightly on to be a complete perfectionist. I had a few audio problems with my last interview, which my friend is going to digitally enhance for me in his studio to make it sound better and I just found out that my new camera which I spent a good amount of money on does not have a sound port. So with all the mic equipment that I have purchased, this all went to waste somewhat. My sister who works for Sony is lending me a different camera for this weekend while I will be in the city interviewing Amy Beckerman as well as shooting parts of her show. It’s basically the fact that it’s a ‘one man production crew’ (me) which freaks me out somewhat. I’m doing all the camera work, editing and everything else that needs to be taken care of for insurance purposes. Madelene is a big help when she can assist, but sometimes I feel like I’m out on a limb here by myself trying to pull this all together. It may take weeks, months, even a year to get this done, but I’m sure it’ll all come together.

The reason this project is so close to my heart is that people need to be heard. There are so many judgmental people when it comes to religion and lifestyles. They want to slam you over the head with a crucifix and tell homosexuals that they need to be cured. Other religions have the same mindset sometimes. This sets people back somewhat into a corner of resentment, making them completely walk away from everything they have once believed and cherished. Although I have somewhat stepped out of the scene of writing about why I feel homosexuality isn’t a sin, I’m finding myself sliding back, wanting to defend those who need to be heard.

As I went to check the status of my post on a message board over at Blogcatalog, someone posted this comment:

“@Pasquella: There is absolutely not a doubt in my mind that you are one of the most sincere people I have ever had the privilege to meet. I also do not have a doubt in my mind that you have a wonderful relationship with your partner, and this is what makes it so hard. For it is just as wrong for you to be in love with her in that way as it would be if she was a married man with three small children at home. As in regards to Scripture, Romans 1:18-32, 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 and 1 Timothy 1:8-11 are very clear that homosexuality (even that which is practiced as purely as you do) is a sin that needs to be repented of, and arguing that those passages were written by the Apostle Paul is a moot point. For ALL Scripture came from our Heavenly Father to serve as written confirmation of what He wants to personally reveal to us. Please, I beg of you, keep listening for His voice. For our Heavenly Father is the only One who can convince you of what the truth is.”

I understand that there are people who highly disagree with my lifestyle and I appreciate them trying to “save me”, but what I don’t understand is how they can equate adultery with a loving lesbian marriage -- or any marriage at all. I DO see their point and how they came to those conclusions, but here’s what another person had said:

“Also, you want to be sure not to accuse others of judging in the sense where Jesus does not judge. I have not seen in this discussion anyone judging you, condemning you, calling down the wrath against you, or seeking your punishment but rather warning you against doing those things that lead to those things, just as Jesus did.”

But in the same breath, these people are telling me to repent and give up my sin - aka - get divorced from my wife and leave my best friend behind. It’s contradictory in my opinion. I can totally see why so many gays and lesbians turn to atheism, because they are simply sick and tired of judgmental Christians bashing the bible up against their heads. But it’s not about the people - it’s about the personal relationship that others have with God - whoever they worship. No one should be judged and ridiculed just because of their lifestyle, unless they are seriously hurting someone in the process. I’ve gone over this in the past in my blog time and time again, but somehow, it seems to bubble up to the surface as I make my way into filming people who need to be heard.

I hope the people who I am fortunate enough to interview will have the opportunity to voice their beliefs and reassure others that God still loves them, regardless of their lifestyles. And the entire thread, if you go over to the hyperlink I provided for Blogcatalog was all about people of different faiths---not just Christianity. It was also to see if anyone was interested in possibly being interviewed about their own personal beliefs, yet there seemed to have been a misunderstanding where all these Christians came out of the woodwork to display a whole lotta' judgments about it.

And now, I must prepare to go see the doctor about my chest pains. Religion is really bad for the heart.

Evil Religion

deb@debrapasquella.com (Deb) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 07:23:11 PST

The other day when I had posted my little video to preview a tiny clip from my documentary, I had a few emails along with some commentary on my Youtube account. Some were asking to create the music for my project, while others were simply going on about how wrong homosexuality is. Luckily I received more positive and supportive feedback than anything, but that isn’t the point. I had posted an a little ad over at Blogcatalog, a site for bloggers to share their thoughts, their websites and to find more exposure. There is a section on their message boards where you can talk about general things. I thought it may have been a good idea to see if anyone was interested in doing a 15 minute interview for my film. Some of the responses were supportive and others, well, let’s just say they wanted more of a debate, rather than seeing this as an all inclusive event.

I had one commenter say, “Haha, biblical scriptures to back you up? Uh, no. Even though Scripture CLEARLY admonishes against homosexuality, it's no different than christians who smoke, or christians that get divorced for anything other than sexual infidelity. Everyone sins and so everyone is a 'lawbreaker' according to Scriptures. That doesn't make them evil just as in sin does not equate evil. Sin is just 'missing the mark' or 'falling short' or a 'mistake'. What gets to me is when people try and find loopholes (that are never there) around their sin so they can justify their actions. It sounds to me like an interesting documentary, but I'm not sure why our culture blows up something so small and minute like a sexual preference into a lifestyle, wardrobe, and possibly dialog. It's like Twilight lovers starting to wear all black and fake fangs.”

Another commenter had this to say: "Jesus went to the cross to bring you the real law. The grace of God is not an excuse. Don't say, 'LORD, LORD' or 'Lord, Lord' and think it's enough. Your faith is to be strong enough to quit obvious carnal confusion. Jesus did not pay the price to ransom those who willfully keep following the blind into the ditch or who preach to lead others with them, since wickedness loves company. God's love includes allowing Satan to have souls. The God of Jesus does not block Satan from taking souls and tormenting them.

What you need to do is to ask yourself who is Satan in relation to what you are doing and preaching. You are here proselytizing you know. It sounds very clear to me that you are acknowledging that your relationship is sinful but that it is forgiven even though you do not break it off. Jesus didn't say go and continue sinning. You know that.

'Sin is on earth whether we like it or not.' Well, I don't like it, and it's not going to stay. Sin and the willfully iniquitous, according to Jesus, get separated out. Would it have already happened except that there are lost sheep yet to be found.

As for Leviticus, if you leave it completely out, you are still left with Jesus's clear admonitions against all the various forms of selfishness and harm that he was not obligated to list in some exhaustive, anticipatory, list for the literalists of which you make yourself here in convenience.

He did not say don't have sex with your dog, did he? No, he didn't. Are you going to say that just because he didn't say verbatim not to be homosexual that he licensed it. Well, if we go by that, then anything he didn't name is licensed in Heaven. I know that, that is not correct. In addition, there are many verses that show that Jesus was adamantly opposed to the same sexual deviation Moses also found to be error. Jesus definitely did not throw out all of Moses's teachings. He removed the hypocrisy. He did not remove the prohibition against homosexuality, for it is hypocrisy. If you re-read in complete honesty your own writing here, you will see it.

So, I don't support your project. How I can not do that while asking for God's blessing on you, I reconcile.

Peace"

Over on my Youtube account, someone said these threatening words, “Doesn't change the fact that the bible tells believers to kill homosexual, and it even tells us how.”

My response: "I have accepted the Lord Jesus as my personal Savior and I do have a relationship with Him. I am also married to my wife ------of the same gender through a minister who is also Christian. If you take a look at the video, you'll see where there is no reference that is made to Jesus saying that homosexuality is a sin. This was taken out from the Old Testament.

What about someone eating shrimp or lobster? Do they go to hell too?
What about a man shaving his beard?
What about sitting next to a woman who is menstruating, and how do we even know these days?

What about those laws? They no longer apply since Jesus abolished those laws when He died on the cross. Throughout the New Testament, they speak about the actions of sexuality, whether it was between a man and a woman or two of the same genders.

What about a divorced woman who remarries while her ex-husband is still alive?
What about premarital heterosexual sex?
Are we all going to hell?

The story of Sodom and Gomorrah was based up on rape----not homosexuality. Many people misinterpret these scriptures.

However, again, I will say whether you believe in Christianity or whatever God you worship, I was only pointing out that there are many gays and lesbians who are spiritual ---so I was asking if anyone was interested or knew someone that wanted to be in the film... Nothing in this film is going to be debated upon. It's all about personal experiences. But if you wanted to debate on here and tell me that I'm going to hell, then back it up with valid scriptures and I will back mine up too.

But it'll never end.

Because everyone has a different interpretation of the scriptures. Everyone has a different relationship with God. We're not to judge one another ---and the biggest commandment of all is to love God with all your heart and to love each other as we do ourselves...

P.S. 'Not having sex with your dog' would be under bestiality..."

The thing is, this film is about all faiths, whether you are Christian, Jewish or Hindu - this film is about your religious standpoints and reconciling your lifestyle. Does your religion say it’s a sin? Do “people” of your religion say that being a homosexual is a sin? It’s about people discussing discrimination and adversity of what they had been through due to religion being the common denominator of these debates. It’s not all about gay Christians - this is about gays and lesbians of “faith”---whichever faith they belong to.

The discouraging wave of hateful people out there in the name of religion gives me such a bad taste in my mouth. No wonder there are so many gay atheists out there who simply are scared to death to come to God or even be spiritual, because they feel that they are doing something wrong, because someone said it was wrong. We’re supposed to uplift and edify people - not tear them down and reduce them to a pile of worthless ashes. Any “religion” will tell you that. It’s fascinating to also see many so called Christians who worship Jesus to tell us that we’re going to hell and that we’re disgusting for being homosexual. They reference to only sexual aspects of the union - not the loving relationship between two people of the same gender. It’s always referenced to sex. But when they think about a man and a woman getting married, it’s all about the union and relationship - sex is never an issue. So with this documentary being talked about, I feel like I have stepped back a few years when I was debating over scriptural references and what they meant (or were interpreted as) with other Christians in a combative way.

It makes me wonder: how can there be so much evil in religion?

Gays & Lesbians of Faith

deb@debrapasquella.com (Deb) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 14:46:12 PST

Here's just a short preview/trailer of my documentary about gays and lesbians of faith. Some clips you've already seen, but I have featured Rev. David L. Clarke from Provincetown, MA in this clip to speak about his views on homosexuality and how he reconciles his faith in God living as a gay minister.

Moved On...

deb@debrapasquella.com (Deb) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 15:53:44 PST

Lately I’m finding that I’ve become much more cynical and pessimistic toward people. I’m much more leery of people. I understand that everybody has a motive for something or other in this life, but there are some people whose motives are purely taken out and taken out upon other people. Maybe it’s the sake for mere entertainment or it’s some sort of pent up aggression of some sort that mentally and physically vomits self-absorbed absurdness. Don’t get me wrong, I can be a bitch and a half, but some people’s behavior really baffles me sometimes.

As I was reaching up trying to grab one of the last Saucy Susans in the grocery store (because I dowse everything in that stuff), I overheard someone asking one of the employees what aisle their Duraflame logs were. The clerk gladly gave them the information and explained that although it’s usually in that aisle, they had ran out because they sold out quicker than expected. The woman asked if he could check the back to see if he had another box lying around somewhere, but the clerk explained that he knew there wasn’t. This didn’t sit well with the lady and she said, “Well it’s not like you’re an over achiever in the line of work you do, so I wouldn’t expect you to go above and beyond your duty.” I. wanted. to. strangle. her. How dare she insult this hard working kid - and yes - he was a kid, probably right out of high school trying to make a buck or two. There are some kids who don’t work and rely on mommy and daddy to supply them with everything. This woman really pissed me off. She looked like one of those wealthy housewives who hadn’t had to lift a hand other than to get a manicure done. But my question is: why? Why are people so mean to other people? Why are they so cruel and so quick to bite back so hard? This kid did nothing other than to explain that the store had ran out. She should have thanked him for the information and of course...moved on.

We have this Italian restaurant nearby where Madelene and I grab food from to bring home. It’s nice to sit at the bar and eat there too, but most of the time, we’re more cozier at home. Anyway, while picking up our food, another man was waiting for his takeout as well. We were both sitting at the bar patiently. All of the cooks and the help in that restaurant are Mexican. Now let me tell you - I have seen the former Italian cooks and these Mexican guys can cook helluva’ lot better than them. Anyway, the chef came out with his little white get up and asked the bartender a question about the guy’s order. The man perked up and asked, “Are you cooking my food?” And the chef looked puzzled and scared and said, “Yes sir,” in a very heavy Spanish accent. Well, this man went off about how awful it was to be spending money on Italian food when it was clearly made by Mexicans. Then he went into a whole other issue about how wrong it is to stay in a country and not learn the English language fluently. I. wanted. to. strangle. him. Not because I have known the chef since forever (and ever since he was a busboy), but because it was so disgusting on his part. This guy worked his way up from busyboy, to waiter and then learned how to make the food even better than the former chefs who went to school for it. The man paid his tab and of course...moved on.

I seem to always encounter these little interactions with people and wonder how they hell they were brought up. How can you just treat someone like absolute pure shit and then live with yourself afterward? Some people hold very strong opinions about some things, but keep them to yourself in public and stop showing your fecking ugliness to the world. It’s disgusting to see people treating others like this. There was one time I went off on a woman because she was in a Korean farm market yelling at the cashier who was ringing her up. There were two women standing in front of me. One was checking out her produce. She was a large, say 6 foot tall and big all around, and the other woman behind her was about 4’11, skinny and fragile looking. I see this behemoth-looking woman fumbling in her purse for her wallet. She pulls out an American Express card.

“Ah, no, we don’t accept that here.”
“Well you used to!” the behemoth blurts out. Now mind you I’ve been coming to this market since it opened and they never once took American Express. They’ve had the same machine there for years.
“So you don’t take American Express anymore?”

The cute little Korean guy looks down, frustrated that his words weren’t understood, possibly taking too long, when the woman starts getting angrier.

“Huuuuuuuuullllllllllooooooooooooooo?” she says, as though he was some idiot.

Deb’s temper rises. I was fuming over the way she made this cute little man feel like a pile of shit.

“I’m not sure if you heard him or not, but he doesn’t take American Express, never has, and not once since this place opened have they taken a card that is hardly accepted anywhere.” I said…hoping I wouldn’t be eaten.

“Well they should have a damn sign that says that!”

*blink*
*blink*

“Maybe if you opened your eyes ma'am, you’ll see the bright yellow sign that tells you what they do accept. They also don’t accept Monopoly money, however, they didn’t list that as things they ‘don’t’ accept.” I replied, in a very calm and creepy tone. I’m still waiting for this woman to take a bite of my left shoulder at this point. She throws some fresh cash on the counter that looks like it’s just been spit out of an ATM machine and grumbles a few obscenities at the Korean guy and me and then waddles out of the store furiously. When my turn came, I plopped my 2lbs of salmon on the counter and said, “Tough crowd tonight, huh?”

There are times where you have to stand up for people and times where you just have to keep your mouth shut. But that one incident, I couldn’t help but tell this woman off....and then of course, I moved on.

Trying to "Get It"

deb@debrapasquella.com (Deb) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 06:55:43 PDT

Poetry is personal. I even want to compare it to the bible because it has so many interpretations and possible meanings to it. Each person who reads one poem will have a different take on it after they have read it. I’ve always found myself drawn to the type of poetry that has a bit of play on words and a grip on the heartstrings. One of those types where you can say, “everyone can relate” type of poetry. I’ve been to poetry readings, finding myself tilting my head sideways like a Golden Retriever wondering if this person is trying a bit too hard to construe their words into a bundle of challenging metaphors and words hardly ever used in the English language. During a trip in Provincetown, MA, I found myself grimacing while it got more politically offensive as I was the only one sitting amongst extreme liberal lesbians standing on the right side of the room. I had to decline an invitation from my friend Lisa during that trip to go to another poetry reading. I had told her to meet us at the restaurant afterwards. While waiting and waiting and waiting, I decided to call her to see where she was.

“Lisa?”
“Deb---I’m so sorry. I’m still at this weird poetry reading. This lady is pouring fake blood onto the stage, demonstrating her hatred for President Bush.”

Poetry as well as writing is an expression. It’s our personal way to purge of our emotions and our extreme opinions in an artistic way. Whether you’re offended by it or not --it’s pure entertainment. If you love literature, as well as acting, it’s a beautiful thing to see, even if you find yourself cringing over some of it. But see, that’s not my problem---my real problem about poetry is, “What the hell are they trying to say?” Maybe, in not so many words, it can be directed about a lost love or someone desired; a hidden meaning of sorts. I’m sort of a black and white person - give it to me the way I like my steaks---raw. (Ok, just a bit rare...) Once you burn poetry with meanings that most would not understand, but pretend to, then you have lost your audience, at least most of them. Just like my trip to The Museum of Modern Art, I walked past a couple who were mysteriously staring into the depths of a painting with their arms crossed and one hand rubbing their chin, nodding, as if they totally “got it”. It was a painting of a black dot. Give me a fecking break.

Sometimes someone will show me their work of art and if I don’t particularly care for it or just don’t “get it”---I’ll blurt out, “Oh I like the shading and colors.” It’s my way of saying, “My 4 yr old niece can paint better than that!” Again, art is an expression. Not everybody is going to like your poems, your writings, your paintings, your photography or your ability to play an instrument that have dogs howling at night, but you can rest assure that some people are always going to be coming back to your work because they totally “get it”.

Empty Nest

deb@debrapasquella.com (Deb) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 17:35:16 PDT

A long period of my adult years were spent living in a little apartment above from my parents, if you want to call it that. Granted, it had two bedrooms, two living rooms an office, plus a full bathroom, but when you walked downstairs, it was lacking a door to separate the two sections in order to make it officially private. There was a huge deck that overlooked three neighboring towns and a lake which was breathtaking. The fact that I’m pretty close with my parents, and best friends with my mom made it that much nicer. The only problem or, (problems) were that #1. My parents both smoke like chimneys, which made it difficult in the winter when my asthma flared up and #2. My mother never really took my writing seriously. She thought freelance work was something retired people did - not for someone in their late twenties begging publishing houses to at least read their manuscripts. But it was okay for a while. It helped a great deal to stay home for a while and save some money as well as get closer with my parents. I saw more of my family too, since their house was the main house for family gatherings.

I’ve never looked at my situation back then as a negative thing, I just thought of it as a stepping stone that was very much appreciated. I’ve noticed that there are many people who look down on others if they live with their parents or live with other family members in order to get by to help one another out. Plus, most families who do this are usually close-knit or it would be complete chaos altogether. Many Italian families have the umbilical cord still attached, which is one of the many excuses I use as well. The parents never want their “babies” to leave the nest. Call it the empty nest syndrome or call it whatever you’d like, but sometimes it works out better for some. In my case, it did for a while, until I knew that I must leave the nest once and for all. It was more about having my complete dose of privacy. Sometimes it’s nice to close the door to your home as well as shut the entire world off, if that’s what you feel like at the time.

I use to get flack from other people, which I had then noticed, were not very close to their own families. They’d lecture me about being in my late twenties into my early thirties about still living at home. There was no problem on my side or my parents’, but there seemed to have been a problem on those people who looked down on it. And now, looking back, those people who criticized me were the very ones who were envious over the close-knit bond my family had. They’d always want to come over, and some felt as if they were part of the family. These very people either had no family in the immediate area or they had volatile relationships with their parents and siblings. The ones who were close with their families always thought it was great that I lived in an upstairs apartment in my parents’ house. There’s something to be said about that.

More and more people are settling into relatives’ houses to save money due to the economy. I see nothing wrong with it if the parties involved are happy and content with their environment. Even before I dated Madelene, I dated people who were always ten years older than me, who still lived with their parents, and not even in their own little apartment from them. They lived in the same quarters. I never minded it. I actually thought it was quite charming to see them getting along so well and living along with one another so nicely. For the people who mocked them for not having their own place at the age of 25 was sort of lame. There are people who choose to and there are people who have to sometimes. There are people who absolutely have no choice but to live on their own without the help of family members, or more so, the company of family members. Maybe it’s the mix of resentment and past history that makes them think differently which makes them appear bitter toward people who still choose to live with their family members? Or maybe it’s just my own opinion that I see nothing wrong with this?

With that being said, I’m just glad I had the opportunity to live with my family while I was growing up, as well as into my adult years. I don’t regret one day of it, yet I am happy to say that it made my life much sweeter when I left the nest. And sometimes, I even get homesick a little.

Gotta go, mom’s on the phone...

Blaming My Reflux

deb@debrapasquella.com (Deb) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 13:03:54 PDT

Maybe it’s the reflux problem I’m having, but people are annoying me more than ever lately. I do realize that I get very irritable when I feel sick or extremely tired, but sometimes, there is just no excuse for certain individuals. I’m going to start with dipshit #1. There is this guy that works for our management office who is absolutely bizarre and traveling along his own world. He’s about 60 years old or so, kind of muscular but a bit ratty looking. He arrives at the office about 7am with heavy gangster music blasting from his Dodge Durango. The man has white hair for the love of God and appears to be either Irish or ---just really white. Anyway, aside from my judgmental views of him, I’m watching him take a broom and push the water off the walkway that leads into management office. As he’s pushing the water aside, the heavy rain is falling back down to replace it all. I feel like opening my window right now and yelling down some a few choice words. Go inside and listen to your gangster music. All I hear is, --swooooooosh---swooooosh---swooooosh.

Dipshit #2 was in my doctor’s office. She was clearly sicker than a dog and had her little girl sitting next to her. Of course, I was on the other side of the room, trying not to breathe in her swine or whatever it was she was plagued with. It started when her phone rang very loudly. She fumbled around inside her purse to find it, as it continued to play the most annoying canny music that would have dogs miles away lined up at the door. If that wasn’t bad enough, she talked as if no one else was in the room. A few people started scratching their heads or rubbing their eyebrows in disbelief of her very loud conversation that spoke about coffee pots and linoleum floors. I felt like saying, “Must you?” Some people really don’t give a rat’s ass about anybody’s comfort levels in public.

Which brings me to Dipshit # 3 & 4. This was a seemingly new couple displaying their passion in public. I had to walk inside a CVS pharmacy to pick up a few things. When I had gotten in line, the couple in front of me were groping one another to the point of it being illegal. Of course the cashier had problems up front, which made us stand in that dreaded obscene line even longer. I looked over at the other girl waiting behind me and she popped her eyes out at me as if she was saying, “Do you see that?” I’ve never quite understood public displays of affection to that extreme. I can see two people holding hands or maybe a peck here and there, but when it gets downright obnoxious, it’s just rude.

Other than that, I haven’t really gone out all that much because of my stomach problems lately. I seriously think when I’m not feeling well, I notice all sorts of annoying stuff around me, but when I am feeling good, I don’t notice all the b/s that goes on. There might be something to that. Just like when people are having a shitty day, they’ll take it out on people. I guess I’m doing that on a blogosphere basis.

I’ll blame it on my reflux.

GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease)

deb@debrapasquella.com (Deb) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 06:24:08 PDT

It’s almost 9am and I’m sitting here with a cup of hot tea with honey and some toast. I can barely swallow because it hurts. I’ve always had a problem with heartburn in my life. I had an ulcer years ago which healed under a doctor’s care, but last night those pangs of agony struck again, as I found myself clutching my neck and chest screaming in pain. It was then I noticed that my scream was more like a loud whisper. I had lost my voice a bit and the burning sensation was awful. I took a Zantac to reduce the acid and it seemed to calm down a tad. Now I’m sitting here with the damaged goods, trying to swallow toast and having a difficult time.

Acid Reflux Disease, also know as GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease) is so common among many people, but if left untreated can be actually really dangerous, in fact, even deadly. It can range from having surgery to even esophageal cancer. Most people pop an antacid and forget about it. But, it’s been way too long and I’ve had my share of every single OTC meds to meds prescribed by a doctor to tell me something is seriously wrong now.

Because I have had this problem for a long time, I have always advised other people suffering through it what to do. I basically masked the pain with all of these antacids and reduced a lot of my calcium intake. Whenever I stop taking the meds and begin eating the spicy foods I love, drinking my strong coffee in the morning and enjoying a cocktail every once in a while, it will hit me like a ton of bricks. So until I heal, everything I love is off limits. It’s going to be a very bland few weeks for me. It’s also going to be a quiet home for Madelene since I can barely speak. I think that’s the upside for her at least.

I can use a few prayers right now...

Mombasha Nostalgia

deb@debrapasquella.com (Deb) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 19:31:45 PDT

The good thing about blogging is, when I’m transferring clips into other programs or onto an external hard drive to save, it can be quite time consuming. I sit and wait...and wait...and wait. Luckily, I have this blog to kill time with, and of course, waste approximately 5 minutes of your life as well. Being that freelance work pretty much means that you have to be disciplined if you want to make any sort of money out of it, I have to push all temptations aside, like going out to breakfast with a friend or if I’m rambunctious, heading off to the gym. This morning I was invited to go canoeing with my friend Barbara who runs a nearby restaurant called, Al Laghetto right on Mombasha Lake, which enables her some flex time in the mornings which is great. I read her message and stopped everything. I wanted to go, but I had so much work in front of me that I was all geared up to do. If I would have left it, it would have sat for another 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 days. The foliage is at its peak, especially in the area where we would be canoeing, which is right near my parents’ house. Unfortunately, I had to take a rain check for later this week. I hope my friend’s offer still stands!

Her invite alone reminded me of my childhood. The lake itself, where I grew up is just amazing this time of year. It’s beautiful anytime of the year really. There are so many memories on that lake for me that just tapping into just a small part of them makes me long to be a kid again. I remember my friend Paul and I would take his canoe to the other side of the lake, where there were ‘little mountains’, more like huge rocks where you can sunbathe on. We’d sit there until sunset, talking for hours. Over at my mom and dad’s house, they have a beautiful view of the lake because they live on top of a mountain, which gives you a smaller view of it, along with gorgeous and vast mountains surrounding it all. I woke up to it everyday as a kid. I remember someone saying, “This view is so beautiful! You probably don’t think so because you’re so used to it living here all of your life...” I looked at her and just explained how everyday, the view changes and is never the same. I never got sick of looking at it. Each season gave the view a different feel. Each time of the day there was a special look to it. After the rain, you’d sometimes see a rainbow encompassing the view and the back of our house as if it were all connected.During the winter as a child, my friend Pam and I would walk down to the lake and her father would meaure the thickness of the ice with some tool. When he gave us the “ok”, we would walk out far along the lake, over to a camp area that had a homemade stone barbecue pit. I remember us sliding along with our sneakers trying not to slip and fall as we made our way over to the other side. There were times I would take my quad and ride out on the ice, doing donuts, being crazy because of all the free space - more so, margin for error. I would pull my friends on weird homemade sleds or tubes and have them cruising at speeds that were just plain wrong. Luckily, it never cracked the ice, but even if it did, the tires were like huge balloons that sort of gave you some allowance time to get the hell out of there. But, back then, I was braver than a daredevil. I didn’t care. Nothing was going to happen to us. I wish I had this mindset today.

Another memory I have is of my sister Dawn and her old boyfriend taking me out on the lake ice-skating. We brought a thermos full of hot cocoa and headed out in winter hats, gloves and scarves. Her boyfriend was like a big brother to me - always including me, even though I was this bratty 12 year old. We’d ice-skate until our noses turned bright purple. We also used to go motorcycle riding around the trails that surrounded the lake. Unfortunately, a small tree had fallen right in the middle of the path and he smacked right into it, making him eject from his bike and having it flip about three times until it finally came to a stop. He was okay, but pretty bruised up from head to toe. But those memories I will always have because it was the most fun I had as a kid growing up in that area.

Even though I didn’t move too far away, I still miss having that beautiful view of the lake and mountains to wake up to every morning. I still have a view of the mountains from where my apartment is, but it also has views of the city lights and big plaza malls, which gives a different feel to it all. It was especially breathtaking at night when the full moon would rise and reflect off of the lake. I would sit out on my deck either alone or with my partner and just take in this magical sight that God created. So, no matter what time of day, what time of year, what type of weather we were having, this view will always be special to me. No matter what, I will always return to Mombasha.

(All photos were taken by me over at my parents' house.)

True Wealth

deb@debrapasquella.com (Deb) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 07:51:30 PDT

This morning I woke up early, brewed some coffee and made breakfast for Madelene. She works on Saturdays, which are her high-intense sale days. I always feel bad she has to go in on Saturdays, so I am always up when she is, trying to make her feel at ease before she rushes into the world of rude rich people and nasty customers complaining about their $100k car. She has a lot of pressures at work, but finally, she is at a place that respects her time and pays her what she deserves as a hardworking woman.

She sometimes hides her stress from me when she comes home at night. Her reasoning: because she doesn’t want to bring work home. But if she can’t vent when she’s home, then where can she vent? Her stories about her line of work is interesting because everyone buys or leases cars every so often, and they like to hear the ins and outs of a car dealership. I’m always trying to make our home a place of peace; a place where she can walk through the door, see the fire roaring, warm up and be handed a cocktail before her dinner is served. During the summer, we sometimes eat dinner out on our deck with candles and enjoy the beautiful scenery before we retire for bed. She needs that little slice of serenity, because I know when she returns onto that showroom floor, it’s going to be a different story.

After working 8-12 hr shifts at high paced and demanding corporations, I decided to do freelance work back in 2003. I was on disability for quite sometime because of my panic attacks and depression. I couldn’t cope anymore. Madelene helped me so much through this terrible time in my life. I started doing things like eBaying and working part time jobs bartending, which were all fun at times, but I needed more. I wanted something for “me”, but I didn’t want the turbulence of being stuck in a cubicle feeling strangled of all my strength and stifled of my creativity. There had to be more to life than just sitting there, waiting for it to be 5 o’clock, and sometimes, 8 o’clock. I wished my life away. I kept a journal which eventually turned into my book. I kept writing, and writing, and then, writing some more. It took over five years to finally make any real money out of writing. The book sold somewhat, but it was more like trickles here and there. I didn’t write the book for money though - I wrote it to get my heartfelt words out there in order to help people who were struggling with what I had gone through. When it finally paid off, not only in the monetary sense, I felt a sense of satisfaction with my life. It was then it dawned on me: I didn’t need to be in a cubical to make a life for myself, as well as for my partner. I didn’t need to be in the middle of a herd of sheep.

I’m finally doing things that my heart is in sync with. Madelene asks me all the time, “Why do you get up so early on Saturdays with me?” I get up with her every single morning just so she can feel at peace in her own home and have some time to just sit, have her coffee and do absolutely nothing. I also get up with her because I love talking with my wife. I love our morning conversations over coffee. Sometimes, I have to literally tell her to get up and get dressed because she left herself with only ten minutes to primp. Sometimes, our two hour conversations feel as though it were only ten minutes. Sunday mornings, when the both of us are off, we can sit there from 8am till 1 o’clock in the afternoon and not even realize that our morning is officially over. I love that.

They say that time flies when you’re having fun. Even our vacation went by too quickly. I hope that doesn’t happen with our lives though. I hope, just because our time together goes by too quickly because we enjoy one another so much, that our lives don’t slip by in the process. My father said to us once, “I love that you two do things for one another and especially that you do things together.” He’s very old fashioned and believes that you should do everything with your spouse. He’s also a little hip because he’s okay with Madelene and me being together, despite the old Brooklynite Italian views upon being gay. She has not only been accepted by my family, but taken in as my family. My mom calls Madelene her daughter - not even thinking twice about explaining why there seems to be a fifth child in the mix. My sisters have welcomed Madelene so much, which I’m so thankful for. She feels like she’s apart of a whole other family, besides her own.

I guess I’m writing all of this down because I’m so incredibly thankful this morning for having Madelene in my life. After 14 years of being together, I would have thought the feelings would have faded out a touch, but they only had gotten stronger, with a deeper sense of affection. We’re not the perfect couple by no means, being that we had separated twice in the past, but during the times of separation, we had discovered that we no longer could live without one another. That’s why I believe everything happens for a reason. We don’t have a huge house with a white picket fence, a few kids and a dog running amuck, but we do have a small apartment with an overwhelming amount of love and acceptance. I couldn’t ask for more. And that, is my idea of true wealth.

In My Opinion, Blah, Blah, Blah...

deb@debrapasquella.com (Deb) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 06:55:26 PDT

There are times I find myself being surrounded by people who love to argue, just for the sake of arguing. They can’t let it go. I’m not even talking about heated arguments - I’m talking about people who just disagree with you in order to challenge your beliefs or factual basis’ upon certain issues. I found myself sitting in my shrink’s office, when he had asked me, “So, have you been keeping up with current events?” He knows that my views are a bit extreme to have a “normal” conversation with someone who may be leaning toward the left, as well as those who are not of the Christian faith. My politics go hand-in-hand with my beliefs in Christianity, so I just keep tightlipped about it these days. Instead of politics, I just rambled off the news I had heard that day regarding three people dying in a sweat lodge over in Arizona.

“It’s two.” He said, in a very irritated tone.
“What?”
“There were two people who died - not three. Where do you get your news?”
“I heard three.” I said, calmly.
“Wrong.”
“OK then, two.”

I just wanted to keep the peace, but it wasn't the point I was trying to get across. He seemed so angry that I said three people instead of two, that my point of the conversation was totally lost. I then remembered it was my questioning of why people wanted to sweat like pigs in a crowded tent, knowing that the swine flu is among us. But, instead, he irritated me greatly, even more so once I had arrived home finding out that I was right the entire time. There were three people who died. Maybe my shrink needs to step out of that stuffy office or get himself a little transistor radio and keep up with the current events that way. I’m "the patient" so I must be wrong. My facts must be up my ass. I know he reads my blog to analyze what he thinks I’m not telling him in his office. My message to him would be: I WAS RIGHT! IT WAS THREE!

Okay, he’s gonna up my dose after that rant.

Secondly, I know my blog posts sometimes rants about people in my life, but please, those people in my life who read me -- it is not about you "personally". I may refer to something you may have said or brought up and tie it into a sometimes complicated point that I’m trying to make, but when you start taking my blog posts so personally, it makes it hard to really write honestly on here. I write about everyday life or whatever I’m feeling. Sometimes, I’ll jot down a bit of what’s happening on the news and rant about my opinions on it. It’s different all the time. But my best writing in my opinion, are the things I experience everyday. It’s the people I come across, the interesting conversations I have with random people or interactions with a stranger.

On a post dated on October 2nd, entitled, “A Deeper Found Uniqueness”, I was asked by a friend why I had brought up the question she had asked me. In exact words, I had written, “The other day I was asked if I had any “straight friends”. It was apparent that this person had not seen beyond the small scope of my sexual orientation, but rather, she chose to see what she wanted to see.” She was offended by this, and I do apologize, however it gave the post some meaning and explanation of certain things that had happened in my life. We had discussed her initial meaning of that question, and it turns out that she wanted to know if there was jealousy on either sides, whether straight or gay: does someone within a coupled relationship or marriage get jealous over an outside friendship? I want to tackle that issue on my blog today, with the risk of being asked later on, “Why’d you do that?”

I think it’s safe to say that no matter what, straight or gay, it depends on each individual relationship. In my opinion, if there is too much jealousy inside a relationship or marriage, then something has to be communicated about and sort out right away. With Madelene and I, we don’t get ‘that close’ in order to develop complicated feelings, or feel emotionally attached to a friend in order for bizarre things to transpire. However, we have had, male and female friends who have taken a liking to either one of us on more than just a friendship level. It’s immediately stomped out by our marriage and our invisible “line” that we don’t let people cross. It happens, not often, but it does sometimes. Another question was posed that if one partner goes out, does the other get intimidated by the close bond or friendship that has developed. With excellent communication that Madelene and I both have, we know how we feel about one another, and we also know how the other feels about each one of our friends--we’re very honest--bluntly honest in fact. This is one of the main reasons why Madelene and I hardly ever have jealousy issues of any sort. And it’s not that we don’t love one another enough - it’s because we love one another unconditionally and know that we’re only human.

Here’s another argument or, ‘debate’ I had with an old friend regarding jealousy... She was so upset that her boyfriend was ‘thought to be’ looking at another girl while walking through the mall. She voiced her strong opinion about this and said, “How can he do that to me?” Well, she better get a huge funnel and drain all of his testosterone out. She asked if that had happened to us, with Madelene being right there to hear this entire conversation. We explained, that when we go out, Madelene and I both admire women together. I even point out good looking men when I see one. We may be married, but we’re not dead yet. Usually, our tastes are a bit different, so sometimes she’ll shoot me a look and say, “Are you kidding me”, but sometimes, we’re staring at a woman thinking, “Wow she is gorgeous.” I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, in fact, the more open you are with your partner or spouse regarding seeing others as sexually attractive, the more closer you become. It becomes more honest and real. I’ve always found that to be true, even while dating my ex-boyfriend years ago. We did the same thing. We also had the same thing in common: women. It made it a lot of fun to go out and compare tastes in various types. We never took a woman home - it was just a nice little game we played and seeing what catches my lover’s eye.

Unless you put blinders upon your mate and drain all the hormones out of them, you can be sure whether you like it or not, the eye always roams. You cannot control human nature. There is a fine line between admiring and gawking of course, but the limits are solely up to the couples involved, in my opinion.

So yet, another wonderful topic to bring up due to a conversation had. Without the raw honesty that goes into this blog, it would be purely fictional.

The Gift Box of Happiness

deb@debrapasquella.com (Deb) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 06:32:41 PDT

Happiness doesn’t come in a gift box guaranteeing you a lifetime warranty full of bliss. I know this, because I suffer from bouts of depression from time to time and more often than not. I guess with age, I’m realizing that happiness starts with “you”. I’ve noticed that if I view the world (or my world) in a positive way, my attitude becomes just that. It’s easier said than done. I’m trying. I used to focus so hard on the ‘extreme-type’ of happiness, like finding the perfect higher paying job, owning a big house or obtaining the perfect relationship, but instead of focusing in on the monetary and uncontrolled types of things, I've tried just being content with “me”. For me, it wasn’t about controlling or stifling your emotions, it was more about seeing things for what they are. It was looking beyond the happiness that “may” come out of all of these things and looking outside admiring the foliage on a crisp cool fall day, or enjoying a hot mocha latte from your favorite cafe. Surely, that’s not going to get you a house or the perfect spouse, but it does relieve the pressures of worrying too much about the future and too much of what we don’t have.

We still worry about the past.

Who doesn’t? Who doesn’t look back and dwell a bit on the things gone wrong in the past? It’s human. It’s almost like a sense of self-torture: we dwell until it’s almost back into the present time again. This is why many people refer to it as, “taking a step back”. We brought the past right into current times, making our emotions feel the same way it once did when it happened way back when. In my opinion, and only in my opinion - I believe that the human body and mind practically enjoys feeling both extreme emotions. Think about it: why do so many of us like listening to sad songs when we are mourning over a past love? It’s the intensifying of our emotions or, purging for some. To embrace the sadness when it comes is good, but to welcome it for life is another thing. I almost did that, and it nearly killed me each day that I let it. We give the pain of the past permission to linger subconsciously. Sometimes, when we still long for someone of our past, that statement can be quite different: sometimes we need to let go in order to see what’s ahead of us. It’s like holding onto a 5 ft rope that’s tied to a dock and trying to move forward 10 feet. Cut the rope.

Whenever the past comes to haunt me, I’m trying to remember all of the good aspects of what had transpired, and view the things I choose to. I want to remember the fun times, the laughter and most of all, the good in every person I have came across who has hurt me. Whether they have hurt me intentionally or not, ---this does not matter. There’s always a reason to everybody’s madness. I remember someone once saying to me, “Does it really matter”, as I kept asking, "why why why..." I remember the frustration because I wasn’t receiving an answer to something that really...didn’t matter anymore. I see it clearly now, as hindsight is 20/20, but back then, I wanted answers. I wanted detailed answers of why this happened and why that had to take place. Sometimes, when you’re in that type of predicament, you have to ask yourself: “Will this matter a year from now? Two years from now?” And at times, we tend to focus on the "hopeful" outcomes.

It would be nice to receive a gift box full of happiness to ensure our well-being for the rest of our time here on earth, but it’s highly unlikely. We can try to simulate it by distracting our negative thoughts by surrounding ourselves with family and friends, laughing more and seeing how beautiful life really is. I remember someone telling me, “Squish the ANTS!” (Automatic Negative Thoughts). My mind goes through this especially when I’m plagued with an anxiety attack. Negative thoughts can be so detrimental to someone who is trying to heal, which is why some people mourn longer than others. I’m one of them. I’m learning that every single day of my life is not guaranteed, just like my gift box full of happiness with a lifetime warranty.

Warning Against Swine Flu Vaccine?

deb@debrapasquella.com (Deb) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 17:20:55 PDT

In fear of sounding like an alarmist, I just want to say that I’m only asking questions here and that I don’t necessarily feel one way or the other...just yet. Yesterday, I went online and checked out the schedule for my local pharmacy’s flu vaccination times. I have acute asthma, which is triggered greatly by the flu or irritants, such as smoke, mold spores and chemically induced vapors, especially pet hair and dander. I sometimes even find myself in the emergency room hooked up to a nebulizer machine and electrolyte and anti-inflammatory bags, along with a high dose of steroids. With the wonderful combination of uppers and downers provided, it’s enough for me to say: “Gimme’ the flu shot NOW!” The thought of the H1N1 virus is quite alarming to me, as to most of us, however from what I’ve been hearing, this vaccine isn’t something to take lightly.

While Googling through many websites, I’ve found tons of what it seemed to appear as anti-conspiracy theories of many articles and videos regarding the swine flu vaccine. They all said pretty much the same thing: DO NOT TAKE THE SWINE FLU VACCINE! They were telling stories about the past when the pandemic hit the world back in the 1970’s and how people were affected greatly by taking the swine flu vaccine. It caused such nerve damage to some, that they were at times, paralyzed for life. Others had died from the vaccine, and now, they are blaming Baxter, the pharmaceutical company for a huge scandal for distributing the wrong vaccine which had the H5N1 virus with a deadly human version of the bird flu. There are many other claims of scandals to which the Baxter representatives have either lied to protect the company or have came out to the public telling people the “truth”. But, who’s lying? Are they disgruntle ex-employees or are they people who truly want others to know the truth about this vaccination and the horrors about their company?

I found another video by a 37 year old female army engineer. She stated she had information that was quite alarming while being on a drill. Her theory is: in time, the government will force us to take the vaccination and then place a shackle or, “bracelet” around our right hand indicating that we have received the swine flu vaccine. If we refuse, we will be taken off into quarantine, or for a lack of better words, a “concentration camp”, as this woman described it. Now, this woman on the video below is a Christian who believes that the antichrist has arrived and that we are going to be marked with the number of the beast on our hands. Basically, she feels that we are at the end of Revelations - so take this video with a grain of salt, but take it as you want to. That’s up to you. I have mixed feelings about this, due to my faith in Christianity as well as government anti-conspiracy theories that I sometimes find myself wondering: is this really true?

The next video is from 60 Minutes back in November of 1979. Does history repeat itself?

Through everything I've written on this blog post and with your very own personal opinion, will you be taking the swine flu vaccination this year? Will you be letting your children take the vaccine, knowing the uncertainties that are still lurking among us?

The Unwanted Friendship

deb@debrapasquella.com (Deb) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 15:36:04 PDT

Have you ever made a conscious decision to maintain friendship with someone you particularly don’t care for? What I mean is - have you ever stayed friends with someone out of reasons of guilt, or feeling that you “should” be friends with them because they’re inside your circle of friends? There are people that we’re going to like and not so like. It happens. Sometimes you just have to wonder: is it all worth it? See, my problem is that there are people in my circle of friends that I may highly disagree with on certain topics, but when it gets down to brass tacks and that person starts preaching to me as if it was the end all be all ---I tend to run. I understand that I’m always going to find myself disagreeing with certain things about opinions and whatnot and vise/versa, because let’s face it - that’s life, but when someone is so in your face about something, it’s time to step out of that circle and pluck that one weed that’s been strangling your daisy.

Facts are facts and opinions are opinions. Mix them up in a bundle of philosophical bullshit and you get exactly that: bullshit. It’s merely a way of twisting an opinion into a downright fact, in “their” opinion. When someone tells me I “should” do something, because it would be better for me, maybe fact would have it that it’s part truth and of good intention, but if it’s not an option for me or my lifestyle, then that so called “truth” becomes a mere suggestion. I love writing and feel that it’s a therapeutic outlet for me. I also feel it may be for other people, however I’m not going to shove the art of writing down anyone’s throat, just as I wouldn’t shove Christianity down anyone’s throat either. It’s a matter of preference.

My mother thought I should go and marry a Jewish doctor. My teacher thought I should be an accountant because I was good with numbers. My art teacher suggested I take something else up because I was failing his class, yet I was an artist and other people have liked my work. Other people are so good at suggesting what’s best for “you”, yet they have no clue what’s best for themselves. That’s baffling in itself. Another pet peeve I have is when someone takes over an entire conversation with self-righteous believes/bullshit, I tend to drift off and automatically push the proverbial ignore button. It’s just like trying to convince a liberal left wing patriot that recycling is no good and global warming is only a myth.

Preach it to another choir.

I’ve always thought I was a ‘good ear’ when it came to listening to my friends or just being there to help them with whatever they were going through, however lately, I’ve been finding out that there is a continual process of draining every bit of energy I have by the nonstop pity parties that I’ve been invited to. I understand people have problems and they need someone to talk to. Get a therapist like I do. It’s okay to vent and get some good feedback from a good friend, but remember, while you’re doing this, you may also be stepping the boundaries of friendship. Friendship doesn’t necessarily mean “free therapy”. Keep in mind that your friend may be going through his or her own thing and may need some space in between your bouts of drama.

It’s all about balance.

There are some friendships that allow for more ‘therapy time’, and that’s solely up to the two people involved. It’s just a known thing between the two of them. But if you are one of those types of people who find yourself telling your life story to a new friend or a mere acquaintance and you’re wondering why people are not hanging out with you as much as you would like - try being more considerate and leaving your drama, self-righteous suggestions and preaching at home.

"Raw" Footage

deb@debrapasquella.com (Deb) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 07:54:08 PDT

It’s been a couple of days of taking a vacation from our vacation. Although we loved where we stayed, it was also nice to sleep in our own bed again. The one thing I’ve noticed is that during our stay in MA, everywhere we went, we had lots and lots of walking to do - which was great. We lost some weight on this trip, but still managed to indulge in seafood galore up to our gills. Now I’m just trying to keep up with the walking the best I can in order to maintain it. I have to admit, it’s hard when you don’t have street entertainers or a few drag queen and comedians to pass by, but I’m sure something amusing will cross my path, or...chase me like that goddam pug every once in a while in my neighborhood.

Our filming project was better than expected. I managed to get a lot of footage. I haven’t even started the editing process as of yet because I’m still organizing each interview individually and placing them on CDs as a ‘to do list’ at a later date. Some of the interviews were very emotional and heartbreaking, while others were encouraging and quite edifying to those who needed to hear some positive reinforcement. Although New York will have plenty of fish for me to bait, I will be making a trip into the south to film those who feel repressed because of their surroundings being in the great bible belt of the USA. That should be the fun part.

I received a few emails from my readers and acquaintances asking me why I had changed the format from ‘busting stereotypes’ to filming more about gays and lesbians of faith. I’m not going to just film about gay Christians; it’s more about how they reconcile their faith vs. their sexuality, especially if their religion deems homosexuality as “unnatural” or more so, “sinful”. The reason for this is mainly because this project is now closer to my heart. My book was my first baby, and now this project will be my second. Christianity comes before my sexuality, so I know that more heart will go into this. Another reason why I’ve changed the format, is because many people I have asked to interview had misled me and their lifestyle and/or were not exactly what I was looking for. I had a few awkward encounters with the transexual community, to which they thought it would be ‘just another documentary about their struggles’---but it wasn’t going to be about that, it was going to give them a positive voice to explain the successes of their journey. So, if you’re one of the people who wanted to be apart of it, yet were a bit hesitant about the content, I do apologize. I wasn’t out to display the oddities of our lifestyles - it was more about the joys of our journey into accepting ourselves and busting the stereotypical views and judgments people may hold.

Aside from the project, I do want to make a note of something on this post. While on the trip, I came across quite a few lost souls along the way. There were so many heartbroken and jaded women on that trip, that it was so hard to even tackle some of the issues that dealt with my project alone. It was Women’s Week in Provincetown, so the bulk of the crowd were mainly young ladies and mature women all searching for something, yet not wanting anything. There were hardly any couples I noticed. Usually this is because at this time of the year, the single ladies come out and try to “hook up” all they can like a huge buffet on a cruise ship. I had spoken to a couple of the ladies who were a bit older, 40ish or so. (Madelene is going to bust my ass for saying that.) They were single and of course, still angry at their exes for whatever reasons. In fact, they halted on any sort of “real” intimate relationships with other people because they didn’t want the emotional torture of what they had gone through before. They seemed bitter and resentful, yet willing to tell their story to the world. “My ex is an asshole”---was the theme of their anthem. Everybody’s ex is an asshole I guess. But this was to the extreme, and I’m talking not 1, not 2, but like 10 women telling me the same story I have heard the entire time while in PTown. Through intoxicating and boisterous voices of these single older women, I also heard cries of agony of what they had gone through. I also heard the clenching of bitterness they were holding onto so tightly. I had to wonder: Is this why they’re still single? Do people intentionally sabotage future relationships or encounters through the fear of getting hurt again or do they destroy it by simply still holding onto the past in a negative way?

I’m no stranger when it comes to being tortured by my past - I have my own demons of other natures to deal with, but when it comes down to the lack of forgiveness and the bulk of bitterness that people hold, I think it’s safe to say that other people will pick this negative vibe up and simply run away. “Ah well, just another asshole”, they’d probably mutter as they plunge another shot of tequila down their throat. After a while, they start to get the good ol’ fear of abandonment issue and start the process of “dumping them before they dump me” syndrome. I think that’s why people are so quick to give up on fairly new relationships or seemingly start fights over nothing just in order to push people they care about away. It’s almost like testing them in some strange way. “Will they stay if I do this? Let’s see...” Some of you will nod to this and some of you will think this is just a crazy form of a disorder of sorts, but it is happening everywhere. I’ve even experienced it myself.

So, not only was this trip our vacation and anticipated project, but it was also a learning experience and awareness of just how many broken hearts are out there. Between the rejection of religion and the rejection of someone once loved, it’s hard to film people when their hearts are still aching, yet it makes it better for interviews, because it’s just so raw.

I'm Back!

deb@debrapasquella.com (Deb) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 08:20:13 PDT

Today I am taking a vacation from my vacation and spending some time at home just resting, but I wanted to throw a couple of videos to show you how much fun Provincetown, MA is. We had a great time, a wonderful anniversary celebration and such an incredible filming experience as far as the documentary. In fact, we have changed our entire theme of our documentary to cater to gay Christians, including a heartfelt interview with Rev. David L. Clarke, our minister who married us. We're so excited about this more than ever, because this will give a voice to those who have been struggling with their sexuality and trying to justify their religious beliefs to those who condemn them. I'll be traveling to different locations filming bits and pieces of this, but it'll be all worth it! It may take months, but I'm putting my entire heart and soul into this, because this is something as you all know, that I hold close to my heart.

But for now, enjoy some of the fun clips I have taken with my little cam on the streets and cafes of Provincetown!

Here is Ellie. She is a 77 year old street entertainer who is always there without fail! She sang, "New York, New York" - you'll love it!

Calling all LGBT Peeps!

deb@debrapasquella.com (Deb) — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 05:14:44 PDT

The time has come where we are approaching out big project - our documentary about stereotypes and labels, and how it affects many of us. This film will show how unique each individual is, regardless of gender, orientation or religion. We're trying to grab our audience's attention and trying to show them that being transgender has nothing to do with sexual orientation. We're trying to bust the myth that all bisexuals are polyamorous. We are seeking one bisexual male or female who is strictly monogamous with whoever they are with. We're also seeking a feminine lesbian who gets comments such as, "Oh she's not a 'real' lesbian", just because she's a girly girl. We have gay ministers as well as guest star appearances which is going to make it that much more fun! So if this describes you - please email me at deb@debrapasquella.com ... We'll be leaving this Thursday for Provincetown, MA do start out project, as well as enjoy our anniversary. You will all be missed, but we leave you with a video, and a very bizarre blooper reel at the end of our little clip.

A Deeper Found Uniqueness

deb@debrapasquella.com (Deb) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 10:49:11 PDT

The other day I was asked if I had any “straight friends”. It was apparent that this person had not seen beyond the small scope of my sexual orientation, but rather, she chose to see what she wanted to see. My answer of course, was a “yes”, however my wife and I mingle with anyone who we click with - not just because of a sexual orientations. Many heterosexuals feel that the gay and lesbian community only surround themselves with “their own kind” - which kind of sounds like some bizarre species of sorts, but that is so far from the truth with me. In fact, most of my interactions and are with straight people and not because I choose to, but because I focus more on the person and not their preferences. Most of my readers are straight. But the thing is, I never even thought about it, until this person had asked that question.

For me, I don’t think, “gay”, “straight”, “bisexual”, “transgender”, or “polyamorous”. I don’t care what people do, or who they choose to love or even if their orientation changes for whatever reason that may be. Love is love. Friendship is friendship. I don’t intentionally go out looking for gay and lesbian friends. That goes for religious backgrounds too. Even though I’m Christian, I like to spend my time with people of various faiths or even, the lack thereof. I spend time with people of extreme political views as well. I do this also because I learn so many things from different people. I learn a little bit every day by the different views and lifestyles people have. It’s a big world out there, why limit yourself?

Another big assumption I have found with many straight women is that lesbians, whether they are in a monogamous relationship or not, or if they solely seek mates that are “true lesbians” (because many of them prefer that), --straight women always have in the back of the minds, “Will she hit on me?” Of course this is all depending on the individuals involved, however I can only speak for myself as well as some people who are close me: no. We hardly ever hit on straight women--ever. I do flirt in jest sometimes, letting somebody know “wow you look hot in that” - but that’s just my personality. If I think someone looks good, I will throw them a compliment. This does not mean I want to throw them into bed. I had a few straight women feel that I had a crush on them all because I complimented them. Automatically they thought I was after them. Some even made sure they looked good around me in order to fish for compliments. Some, even tried making me their guinea pig.

I even want to tackle the big “no no” of all time. Men: Do not tell a woman who is a lesbian that you could change her around. I don’t care if you are Julio Iglesias or Adrian Grenier, you are not going to change our sexual orientation. (Ok, well maybe Adrian can do it for me...) Personally, I think men are beautiful, just as women are. I’m just not sexually attracted to men. But the assumptions that come from “some” men are stunning when they think they can change us around. I’m sure some of you men can do that, but if the woman's orientation is stable and they are not bisexual, it is going to be that much difficult. Please note - not ALL men do this, I know that. Just a few men who are pretty self-absorbed do, which really lights a fire under my ass.

So moral of the story? If you are trying to get to know someone on a friendly basis as well as on a personal level, try looking beyond their lifestyles, orientations and outer appearances and realize that there is much more to a person than what is presented. If you only judge by what you see, you might lose sight of their deeper found uniqueness.

What's Life Without Passion?

deb@debrapasquella.com (Deb) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 07:59:33 PDT

For me, writing has always been a great therapeutic outlet. It has also been a great sounding board to where many other writers and readers will interact and tell their opinions about whatever the topic is about. During the years, I have been friends with Tamar, a long distance runner, who had decided to put her running experiences and short stories of her own onto a blog. We initially met as coworkers at the phone company back in 1999. I remember Tamar showing me her short stories printed out on a piece of paper, or written in an email about what she had experienced while running on the trails nearby. I couldn’t put down the stories - I was addicted to her writing. She then had written other stories that I was so excited to read because through her experiences, she made it entertainment for everybody reading it. It was then I suggested that she should write it all out on a blog and have a little site to jot all of her incredible stories on. It’s not all about running either, there are dating stories and more personal revelations about who this wonderful woman is. Tamar and I became friends, but more so, became family. She has shared many Christmas Eves at my home, while celebrating Chanukah along with my family. Long talks over sushi and sake and fabulous get togethers at many places have been so much fun with her. Her passion is running, as well as many other things, such as writing, painting and traveling.

It was then, I had met Myriam, another long distance runner, a mother of two and also, a cancer survivor. She is a director of an important running club and has raised funds for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. In Myriam’s blog, she writes about everything, from her personal emotional struggles to the challenges of running. She has a talent of collaborating her personal life stories with the goals and achievements, as well as the rewards of running. She’s not afraid to put her heart out there. We’ve become close friends this past year, and have had long talks over wine, inspiring one another with the many posts we have written. Through getting to know one another, we have developed this warped sense of sarcasm in our joking around that makes other people wonder if we’re really serious. It’s funny to ‘pretend bicker’ with her in front of those who don’t 'get' our humor. Myriam has made me laugh so hard at times that I nearly pass out. She has helped me with many struggles of my own. I don't know what I'd do without her! (Yes Myriam, that hurt to write that on my blog!) Her passions are running, writing, a good glass of red wine, and most of all, celebrating her life with her family and friends.

It was then, I had met Todd through blogging as well. Todd is also a long distance runner. He was initially friends with Tamar first. That’s when we began reading one another’s blogs. Tamar, Myriam and Todd all know one another through running. We all live within a close proximity to one another which makes it all the more easier to get together. I’ve had a lot of good conversations with Todd. His writing reflects his personality on every level. He’s deep and very spiritual, always questioning life instead of defining it. Todd’s stories about his encounters with people are always fascinating because he not only experiences funny things, but analyzes human behavior in a comedic way. He never mocks anyone while writing about them, but he likes to get a grasp on why people do the oddest things or why people are sometimes mean-spirited. Todd usually holds a bright smile when you greet him and always up for a good intellectual conversation. His passions are running, his two boys, Conor and Brett, writing, spirituality and life to its fullest.

And last but certainly not least, is Parveen. This is one of my strangest encounters, because for one, I had mistaken her months ago for being my wife. See, we live right across the street from one another. One evening as she was walking toward her building, I thought to myself, “Why is Madelene going into that building?” I really believed it was her! And then, as I found out it wasn’t. I realized that this woman across the way was my neighbor. She would walk her dog every evening around 7pm, while I sat on my deck sipping wine. We never bumped into one another oddly enough. On my last blog entry, that dealt with the neighbors who live behind me, I had received a comment from her, indicating that she was my neighbor too. We then became Facebook friends, exchanged numbers, realizing the friends we had in common. Parveen is another runner. She knows Todd and Myriam as well. Small world. She also just started a blog that is very interesting with various topics. She is a 3rd grade teacher and has been for thirteen years. She is originally from Canada and has moved around six times after that, with her last stop being in New York, right across the street from me. Since I have just met her, I have yet to get to know her. She seems like a wonderful person, who I may be meeting for the first time this evening if my schedule allows me. Her passion, as far as I know right now is running, writing and the ability to teach and help kids.

So I encourage you to visit each of their blogs and see for yourself how much passion they have for what they do in life.

Screaming Whispers

deb@debrapasquella.com (Deb) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 07:22:40 PDT

My neighborhood is undergoing major construction. They’re renovating old condos and putting up new ones. The constant hums of backhoes and bulldozers pummeling down upon new territory has been a normal everyday occurrence. The loud beeping sounds from machines going into reverse has been forever embedded into my brain. It’s just a background noise now. Around around 4pm, it seems to simmer down because when I get home, it’s pretty peaceful. I hear kids playing on the street, the sounds of feet pounding the pavement by a passing runner or two and a few dogs barking here and there. That to me, is peaceful.

When I got home last night, it was a different story. I had lugged all of my things up the stairs and into my apartment. I went into my office where it overlooks another set of apartment buildings with their decks facing me. I sat down to finish up some things on the computer before making dinner for Madelene. A few moments later, I hear a woman screaming bloody murder. She was yelling on top of her lungs about something regarding a car. Everything else was muffled out, but still audible. It sounded as though she was running around the apartment screaming at her husband. It was then I heard objects crashing. When I opened my blinds, I saw large objects falling from the third floor of the building behind me. The woman started throwing every single piece of furniture out of her apartment and onto the street below. It was getting dark out so I couldn’t make out exactly what was being thrown, but I knew it was large and wooden. I heard loud crashes of something that sounded similar to large planks - possibly a dining room table with chairs. It got worse. Then I heard her go into the kitchen area breaking all sorts of glasses, whether they were plates, dining wear or fine china - this lady was doing it Greek style. Eventually the cops came and ended this domestic dispute.

Madelene had walked in the door from work greeting me with her cheery hellos, when I motioned my hand for her to come into the office and hear what’s going on. We were both shocked, because even though the cops were still there, things were still being tossed out of that apartment and onto the street. It was such a scene that nearly everyone in my building either had their windows opened or were nonchalantly walking outside to their cars getting nothing - just an excuse to hear the show from across the street. It’s funny to see how nosey most people really are. “Oh I mind my own business” - bullshit. Everyone was out there either walking their dogs, getting stuff from their cars or throwing away recyclables, as Madelene decided to do.

When Madelene came back inside, I was chuckling because every time we have an argument, I ‘scream whisper’. I know that sounds totally asinine, but when I yell, I whisper it. It’s like screaming with your teeth still together. (I guess that makes it more effective somehow.) I just don’t want other people knowing my business - especially with the busybodies in these parts. If Madelene yells at me, I just grit my teeth and say, “Lower your voice”, while whispering my angry “yell”. I guess when people are that angry, it really doesn’t matter who sees or hears it. Anger sort of takes away the conservativeness in many people and sets a stage for a ringside seat for every neighbor on your block to see.

So right now I’m sort of welcoming the lovely hums of the backhoes and bulldozers, as well as the loud beeping sounds from the machines that are always going into reverse. I wonder if they ever move forward. Hopefully the neighbors across the way did.

Love Keeps No Record...

deb@debrapasquella.com (Deb) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 07:20:49 PDT

What makes a couple stay together for so long? What’s their secret? I’ve heard that asked a million times, and still, people always say, “You gotta keep the spark alive”, or “Always laugh together”. I think all of that is part of the makeup, but what about true, unconditional acceptance? I had dated a girl a while back, where I said, “This is me.” She said she wouldn’t have me any other way, until months down the line when she just couldn’t handle “me” anymore. I came with a warning label and always put my cards out on the table. When I met Madelene, I did the same. I also expected the same response, but she seemed stronger than the rest. Months went by, years went by, and she still loved, “me”.

It’s not all about finding the “perfect person” - it’s about accepting and loving the person for who they are, even finding yourself not wanting to live without their idiosyncrasies. What would I ever do if I wasn’t with Madelene and I didn’t get to hear her sneeze a hundred times in a row every single morning? ...I’d be lost. What would she do if I didn’t bitch and moan about eating whole wheat pasta and flipping my lid every single month when PMS strikes? (Probably live a much more peaceful life.) But, she accepts “me” and all of the flaws that come with my luggage. We don’t have the perfect marriage, but because of the imperfections that we do accept---this actually makes it perfect.

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” ~1 Corinthians 13:4-7

People hold too much resentment in their hearts for way too long. They’re quick to get angry and very slow to forgive. This is why I don’t like hearing the word, “pride”. To me, it reminds me of a bitter person who bites their tongue whenever the thought of forgiveness pops into their heads. To me, it’s holding up a face that hides the true heart. Whenever someone hides their true heart, they kill themselves slowly. They may feel they’re getting this person back by not forgiving them, but in reality, when time has passed, the only person they’re hurting and ‘getting back’ at, are themselves.

So next time you choose to remain angry at your loved ones or a friend, just remember that unforgiveness will hurt you more than it hurts them. Accepting unforgiveness is like ingesting poison. It literally will kill you both emotionally as well as physically. Forgiveness doesn’t always have to mean being best friends with the offender again, but it should release the negative energy, both for you and the person who had offended you. In a loving relationship, forgiveness is a huge thing. If you’re not able to see past the wrongs of your significant other, and realize you can only handle so much, then let them go, but also, let the bitterness go along with it. Carrying around bitterness is like carrying a bottle of boric acid with a hole in it. It’ll eventually eat at you. But, if you can get past the wrongs that have been done, then truly let go, forgive, and of course, try try try to forget.

Love keeps no record of when it’s been wronged.

Our Upcoming Anniversary: Reflections & Funny Moments

deb@debrapasquella.com (Deb) — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 13:00:44 PDT

It’s all flooding back into my mind as thoughts trickle back to this time last year. We were preparing for our big day, October 11th. I was so excited to marry my best friend, and at the same time, scared to death of the ceremony itself: “Will I pass out? Will I trip and fall walking in the sand up to the priest? Will my hair come out okay?” All of these anxiety provoking thoughts literally drove me insane. For the few months right before our wedding, I drank myself into oblivion. I didn’t want the ‘what if’ thoughts haunting me until my feet turned into complete icicles. I wanted my jitters to disappear and excitement of ‘oh it’s just a vacation’ type of feeling to take its place.

At the home front, Madelene would not let me watch Bridezilla. She forbid it. I really didn’t know why since I wasn’t complaining about anything...yet. I watched it on my own and had seen what these people had to endure. Some of it was funny, and some of it was more anxiety provoking than I had initially realized. I was finally seeing why Madelene was forbidding me to watch this show - she was afraid I’d turn into one of these monstrous women. I’m afraid to say I’m already monstrous as it is...

When we arrived in Provincetown, MA, two days before our wedding date, we settled in at the bed & breakfast, and I remember just sitting at the counter of our eat in kitchen looking out of the window at the koi pond. I poured a glass of wine to settle my nerves from the six hour trip and then started unpacking our bags, making sure all of our garments were neatly placed into the closet. Madelene had walked into the suite with the last of our luggage. We just stood there staring at one another, smiling. This was it. After 14 years of dating, it was finally going to be official. We just hugged one another tightly, tears filling our eyes with a ton of emotions of what we’ve been through all these years. From the good times, to the times we’ve separated, to where we had some of our loved ones pass away in our lives, to the tears we both shared together, as well as all the laughter that has helped heal us in the process. We were best friends, lovers - we were family. Now, we would be united as a family unit, continuing our journey together as one.

Our guests started arriving into town, preparing themselves for their very first time witnessing a lesbian wedding. It meant so much to us that everyone was so willing to go out of their way, take some time off from work and travel that far to be with us on our special day. The evening before our wedding, a few of our friends came by to see us in our suite to make a toast. We stayed up until midnight, talking and laughing. I was surprised that I actually slept that evening. I usually get insomnia when I’m nervous, but somehow, my nerves stood still, not letting me feel the inner explosion of anxiety brewing.

When I had woken up the next morning, I ordered room service so we could have breakfast. It was always doctored up to look like some glamorous statue on a pile of eggs, but to me, just give me a normal diner-like grub. Madelene insisted I get ready first, since she knew it would take me at least two hours to primp myself. We didn’t want to go the whole nine yards and get some hair stylist that would make us look like Madusa, but of course, “Deb” needed her mani & pedi. As I’m showering, I begin shaving my leg and accidently chipped off a huge chunk of my French manicure. I wouldn’t have usually barked at this, but #1, it was my wedding day and #2, it was my RING FINGER! I walked out of the bathroom crying, with a towel on my head, wearing the hotel’s community robe and holding up my first with my ring finger sticking up as if I were flipping the bird.

“I-I-I-I ch-ch-ch-chipped my rinngggg fingggerrrrr!”

You could see Madelene’s face completely drop, as she was on the phone yelling at the florist for effing up our flower arrangements we had ordered months ago. We were both supposed to hold beautiful white rose bouquets, however they failed to complete the order, giving one of us a white rose bouquet, and the other order, a simple red boutonniere. Since I was wearing a red dress and Madelene was wearing an off white silky number, it would have complimented us due to the color scheme. "That's perfect! Keep it like that!" I yelped from inside of the bathroom, thinking how great it would match. Somehow this took my mind off my ring finger and onto us matching more. After she hung up the phone, I then went back into panic mode and said, “Call the nail salon for an emergency appointment!”

As some of you may know, Provincetown is a walking town. They are very critical about anyone using motorized vehicles that spew out emissions. Most people ride bikes or just walk. Cars and motorized scooters are completely shunned at. The salon was five blocks away from our B&B. I put on all of my under gear (which was a project in itself) and headed down with poor Madelene five blocks just to get this goddam nail fixed. I remember it was getting warm out and I was beginning to perspire. My hair was already done and now here I am shuffling up and down hills just to make it to this dinky salon. Although they had to cut a lot off of my nails, they did a well enough job where I wasn’t ashamed to give my hand to Madelene, without it looking like some jagged edged botched up manicure. As we’re heading back up these San Francisco-like hills, my feet started to hurt because my flip flops were digging into my two toes. I literally had to walk back up the hill barefoot.When we got back to the suite, I jumped into my dress and tried to clean up the best I can without smudging the touchup on my nails. Madelene hopped into the shower and got ready in less than one hour. She came out looking stunningly gorgeous. In my mind I was thinking: why do you want to marry me? It was the first thought when I first met her: why would you want to date me? I’ve always looked at her with such amazement. I’ve always felt extremely lucky and proud to call her my girlfriend; proud to now call her my wife.

Madelene’s mom and her adorable boyfriend, Robert came by to help her get ready. I made them drinks, except for myself. I couldn’t drink for some reason. I was too wound up. I know that doesn’t make any sense whatsoever, but I was actually too nervous to drink. We had the photographer coming and that alone gave me such anxiety, that I think I was in a silent type of shock. It was becoming more “real”. It was really happening. And then, when our photographer came in to take snapshots of us getting ready, and Madelene’s mom primping her beautiful daughter up, both Madelene and I had tears in our eyes. It may have not been what Madelene’s mom had initially wanted for her daughter, but nonetheless, she was there the whole time supporting us, accepting us and being there as she always was. I’m so grateful for her being there. Madelene was thrilled. They all looked genuinely happy, and that in itself made the entire process much more of an easier flow. I can’t thank them enough.When the photographer showed up, he immediately started taking snapshots of us getting ready. Then he had us sit in the living room of our suite to take a few more photos. As we were trying to make it out of the courtyard of the B&B, it was stop and go process, because the photographer had to stop every two inches to take a photo over here, and over there, and a bit to the left and a bit to the right. What about the fountain - girls - stand there - pose like this - hold the flowers this way - move your arm. After a while, since I had not been drinking, it started to get on my last nerve. Enough.As I held the bouquet while Madelene wore her boutonniere, we started walking down the crowded street, known as the famous, “Commercial Street”. We heard people scream from their decks, “Congratulations girls!” People passing by complimented us and congratulated us. We saw couples holding hands, watching us walk down the street preparing to tie the knot with a look of hope in their eyes. As we approached one area, we heard a crowd of people clapping and cheering us on. Our photographer was walking backwards, right in front of us taking tons of photos. I truly felt like we were walking on the red carpet. I felt outside myself, somehow blocking all of these emotions out. As we walked into the restaurant to meet everyone so we can guide them in the back onto the beach for the ceremony, we were welcomed by friendly and familiar faces with tears in their eyes. That in itself was the most meaningful moment in my entire life.
We all walked together onto the beach. The sun was shining bright, it was 75 degrees and the ocean looked just amazing. We stood out there, waiting for our minister to arrive. When he walked down the rocky steps to join us, that’s when my heart started to pound rapidly, making the palms of my hands sweat with anticipation and fear that I never knew I had inside of me. Madelene’s eyes looked different. Her deep dark brown eyes turned into greenish-brown. I remember her eyelashes fluttering and her lips quivering just a bit. Everyone got into their places. My best friend Lisa stood beside me and grabbed my bouquet. Madelene’s mom was standing right near her. It got suddenly very quiet. It was like the world stopped for a few moments. I glanced over up by the fences and realized the entire town was looking down upon us with hope and happiness in their eyes. I didn’t realize how big this would be. It was supposed to be a small intimate ceremony of twelve of us on the beach, but instead, it was all of us, and the rest of Provincetown overlooking our vows made in public. While the minister performed the ceremony, Madelene’s eyes welled up with tears, as did mine. The Rev. David L. Clarke not only said the most beautifully scripted ceremony for us, but he recognized how important it was for us to be blessed by the Trinity and made our day so complete with his professionalism, as well as his faith and spirituality. It was such an honor to have him marry us.
So today, with only a bit over a week until we head over to Provincetown, MA once again for our one year anniversary, it’s nice to rewind, reflect and see how far we have come. This entire year of being officially married to Madelene has been the best year of my life. We’ve met so many people, we’ve had so many good times in our new home and our bond has gotten so much stronger. I’ve heard that the first year of marriage is always rocky and insane, but for us it was the most amazing year of our lives. Maybe that’ll give hope to newly engaged couples, I don’t know. But, as the memories flood my mind with all of the times spent with Madelene, my wife, I’m excited for the years ahead of us. I’m so happy that we picked one another as life partners. I couldn’t live my life without her.

Thanks to everyone who was there for us this time last year, cheering us on, being apart of our special day. Also, thank you for my family and friends back at home who couldn’t make it, who were there in spirit, wishing us happiness on our big day. We felt your vibes!