Lenny Smallman

Goodbye Jonathan Ross. Hello...?

noreply@blogger.com (Lenny Smallman) — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 16:21:00 +0000

Just followed a lone balloon on a stick being blown a mile up Kentish Town High Road. Couldn't help but imagine some screaming child way back in Camden. Get used to disappointment kid. From the top of the bus it looked like a giant sperm desperately searching for an egg. Half expected someone to burst it, but even in these difficult times someone wouldn't be that cruel, surely....?

Whllst we're on the subject, what is the point of those blow-ey things that move leaves around the driveways of large houses by the gardening help? Even today, in high winds, I saw one being used for five minutes to absolutely no effect.

So Jonathan Ross is about to record his final BBC show tomorrow. They are going to need a new chat show, with an original and refreshing format. Something that's not been done before, with a wide appeal. But how would that work? And who on earth could possibly host such a programme?

Dry Am Kloot

noreply@blogger.com (Lenny Smallman) — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 19:10:00 +0000

I can feel trouble brewing with my local scary-eyed dry cleaner. One of my luxuries is taking five shirts to the laundry every couple of weeks. I've been using another dry cleaning shop slightly further away on my high street for the last couple of years because they are always friendly and do a good job with the clothes. But unfortunately this means passing the scary dry cleaner's shop to get there, which is fine when taking the garments in - but rather more awkward when returning with a flowing bundle of freshly laundered shirts.

I have tried crossing the street to put some distance between us, but usually tend to opt for the 'shoulder swap' when walking on the pavement as I pass, whereby I disguise the freshly laundered shirts by placing them on the blind side behind my body...

This morning, just after swapping the clothes hangers into my other hand, the scary dry cleaner emerged from his shop right in front of me, saw what I was doing and.... smiled the most 4-letter smile I think I have ever seen. Terrifying. Then he walked along behind me on the pavement until I made it back home, when he continued on his way. So now he knows where I live...

Loving the new I Am Kloot album. Seven albums in [kind of] and still a proper band. Having trouble with the new Divine Comedy though - I love his early records but feel he's now become a parody of what he did so well. As with Richard Hawley - love the early stuff, not so keen on the later crooning. Same with Rufus Wainwright... Is there a pattern emerging here? I tend to still like bands when I feel that I've discovered them and before everyone else does. Probably just jealousy on my behalf.

25 years since LiveAid... Lady Gaga wasn't even born then. How can that be right?

Vicars and Arts

noreply@blogger.com (Lenny Smallman) — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 21:54:00 +0000

Apologies for lack of blogs these last few days. No excuse. Been watching sport and dressing up as a vicar. Don't ask.

So apparently Steven Gerrard's wife doesn't have a sister. So why let the facts get in the way of a good story? Surely there's a few more gory details to emerge about the lack of any cohesive footballing teamwork? They think it's all over. It is now.

Why is Holland also known as The Netherlands and the people who come from there are Dutch?

Been listening through the drum tracks for the new album. Next stage is to get my old mate Art to record his bass parts, which hopefully will be happening over the next month or so. In the meantime I'm running about like a headless chicken having said yes to 7 things I should have only said yes to 3 to. Does that sentence make sense?

Just suffered an awkward moment in front of strangers. Note to self; only ever make dodgy jokes to people who know you well enough to understand you are joking...

GET IN!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Lenny Smallman) — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 10:54:00 +0000

Who is the person that works out that it will cost the economy one billion pounds in missed work hours because of today's England game? Did they sit down with a calculator wearing a nightgown in the dim light of a candle and really come up with that figure? Is it the same person who calculates that it costs 200 grand to bring up a child? That person deeply worries me.

I'm reading "Riddley Walker" by Russell Hoban. - just incredible. Never heard of the writer or the book until it was recommended to me a few days ago. It's very hard to stumble on something fantastic anymore without it being recommended by someone first... It's a shame that we rarely trust our instincts and pick things up for the hell of it. I suppose because so often the result is disappointing. Maybe that's why I never sold too many records.

I'm working on a pitch for a show I'm working on - and have just written this... - putting budget together for a 23 min pilot, breaking down into 5 x 4 min chapters and celebrity artist interview for new Virgin cross-media multi-platform event, with possible follow-on tv pick-up... - Which makes me sound like a complete tosser. How did that happen? Play Cole, Gerard to the side serving Rooney, James in the sticks. 3 nil half time.

GET IN!!!

Win, Lose and Draw

noreply@blogger.com (Lenny Smallman) — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 10:56:00 +0000

Have I just read something in the news about Israel proclaiming to have stopped beating its wife...?

Meanwhile the footballing elite are complaining that their new ball is a bit too round. Apparently it doesn't go where they kick it - unlike their previous ball which always went exactly as intended, hence a perfect record of goalscoring and goalkeeping from every shot?! The new football was developed using the finest technology in Loughborough. Taking the complaint to its natural conclusion, shouldn't we now ban any further use of technology as it's only going to cock everything up?

In a few hours time I'm sure that England will have found a way to score a few goals with their new ball, and save a few more at the other end. And then all will be fine and dandy with the world - for a day or two at least.

Meanwhile Palestine is hoping for a draw...

TRAFIK

noreply@blogger.com (Lenny Smallman) — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 13:42:00 +0000

Bad experience on tube. Riding the long escalator upto Tottenham Court Road last night, I noticed the man stood in front of me had terrible dandruff. As the wind blew down into the subway I actually had to take a breath and close my eyes to avoid the torrent of flaky skin coming my way. It rained down. 30 seconds of psoriasorial fallout. I can feel an episode of Seinfeld coming on...

Fantastic free track available here from Lenny's very good friend's the brilliant [and global] TRAFIK... Love their new album. Ah, If only I was 10 years younger.... http://www.mixmag.net/content/free-track-download-global-undergrounds-trafik

Hayfever's kicked in with a vengeance today. On the plus side I'm very pleased to have found a particular pen I've been looking for over the last few months but it's leaked badly and now there's ink everywhere... I'm about to go into a work meeting to pitch a couple of ideas, but with blue fingers and a runny nose I suddenly look like I'm twelve.

4oDisaster

noreply@blogger.com (Lenny Smallman) — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 09:35:00 +0000

Oh no... I watched an ep of big brother on 4oD and now I want to see more... Why did I do it!? Isn't it supposed to be the first drop that kills you...

Good meeting last night with west end producer about writing a new musical. Had my fingers burnt with that before but even so, im somewhere between excited and extrememly wary.

Off onto town again tonight with free tickets for a show for research, wearing a particularly good Lenny shirt. And cufflinks. I was never this stylish when I was 20... Actually, I was, it's just that noone realised it at the time.

My arias from my elbow...

noreply@blogger.com (Lenny Smallman) — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 15:51:00 +0000

Im really enjoying the diving competitions in South Africa. Did Ronaldo learn his football skills from Jacques Cousteau? So far I have managed to avoid any Big Brother since the first episode.

Meeting a West End producer tonight about writing the music for their musical. Does it matter that I don't know my arias from my elbow?

Been listening to a fantastic six hour documentary about Bowie on 6 Music. But it concluded 10 years ago with Bowie having just fallen out with his amazing, inspirational producer Tony Visconti... Everyone loves a happy ending.

World Cup vs Big Brother

noreply@blogger.com (Lenny Smallman) — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 11:16:00 +0000

Back from 2 weeks away. Didn't take my phone - loved the isolation.

Anything happened while I was gone? Footballing crises, serial killers on the loose, kind of thing...?

England footballers have been offered a bonus of £360,000 if they win the world cup. Can't it just be for the glory? Is that not enough - just the will to win it? Couldn't that money be promised instead to help create new pitches for kids to play football?

To watch or not to watch? Do I give into the last ever Big Brother, or simply resist? So far I've submitted - but there's no way I'm going to keep that up along with the football.

In true Nick Hornby style, I just came up with my top 5 singles of all time. XTC - Making Plans For Nigel, Bowie - Ashes To Ashes, Talking Heads - Once In A Lifetime, Crowded House - Weather With You, Badly Drawn Boy - Once Around The Block.

So what happened to the last 10 years? Having said that, the Mumford & Sons album is heart-wrenchingly glorious...

RIP Paul Gray

noreply@blogger.com (Lenny Smallman) — Tue, 25 May 2010 09:01:00 +0000

There's a tragedy in every death. The recent demise of the bassist from Slipknot is no exception. But I really have just read a eulogy for the man that mourns "It's a devastating loss. Paul was a wonderful human being... Their extreme stage antics extended to violence against each other and throwing bodily waste."

I spent all day yesterday contributing to a comedy show for BBC Radio 4. This involved playing the guitar along with two songs - that old socialist favourite 'The Red Flag' and 'Ten Fat Sausages Sizzling In A Pan' . Maybe there's an idea there for a concept album of political songs for children.

A journalist friend has just told me that the Americans are having a hard time in Afghanistan differentiating between the local Afghan soldiers and the Taliban they are all fighting, so they've given them luminous green cycle bands to wear over their shoulders so the Americans know not to shoot them. Unfortunately this has also made them very visible to the Taliban snipers... Maybe it would be better if they all just threw bodily waste at each other.

'Willie, Willie, Willie - Out Out Out!'

noreply@blogger.com (Lenny Smallman) — Thu, 20 May 2010 19:32:00 +0000

Had a fantastic day recording nine drum tracks in eight hours. By rights, working that quickly usually means the work isn't any good but Mark is no ordinary drummer. Very very excited by what we've done. Celebrated by hitting town with Mike - we went to our lovely little Italian, but I'm not saying where it is because then it might get ruined by being too popular. Taking that principle further, I realise that I mostly choose to define success by its lack of success. Maybe there's a lesson to be learned here.

Not sure the BA strikers have done themselves any favours by chanting 'We are the champions', after having the ban lifted against their strike action. Are there ever champions in situations like this? Neither was the cause helped by their other misfortunate chant of 'Willie, Willie, Willie - Out Out Out!'.

Peter - our man in the city - has sent me a link to an application form for a new TV talent show looking for the best undiscovered UK music act. I'd be tempted to email for an application, were it not for the nagging idea that I was actually discovered long ago, it's just no-one ever really chose to plant the flag.

30 shaves for a pound

noreply@blogger.com (Lenny Smallman) — Tue, 18 May 2010 12:53:00 +0000

Bought a bag of 30 razors for 99p from one of those bargain stores...

They're totally ruthless. It's like trying to shave with the remains of an old pencil sharpener. I found a single yellow BIC in an old washbag so I used that instead. It was as smooth as an advert. BICs used to be cheap and nasty. When did they become a luxury item?

Just formulating the recording order for tomorrow's studio session at Mike's with Mark the drummer. There's nine songs for him to do between 10am and 6pm. That's one an hour, plus one more snuck in there somewhere. Not including lunch of course. I'm really excited about the day and I've done a lot of work on all the guide tracks so he's got something decent to play to, but it still feels like the first day at school. In a lovely way.

Apparently it's now totally safe to fly through the ash cloud... Profit before safety? Surely not. I'd always prefer to go by train in any case, but I'm still struggling to get the kids' dinosaur dvd theme out of my head from yesterday's journey. "Here he is, Mr Rex, looking for his dinner...." There is a musician like me somewhere who wrote that... Hope they got well paid. But did they ever manage to get it out of their heads? I think I'd still prefer it to hear about Mr Rex than listen to 'Imagine' ever again.

Return of the Ash

noreply@blogger.com (Lenny Smallman) — Mon, 17 May 2010 11:38:00 +0000

Had a good weekend in Isle of Man, but yesterday I became a victim of the ash cloud, whilst trying to come home. Still no planes today, so I took a packed early ferry to Liverpool this morning - I had a window seat with no window and spent 3 hours on the water staring at the inside of what looked like a waiting room. I'm now on a packed virgin train, at a window seat with no window... Clearly I'm not meant to look outside today.

Surrounded by one screaming child whose dad is trying to drown out by playing a dinosaur DVD at a higher volume than the screams, and a couple whose only communication is to snort and sniffle at each other every 30 seconds. The seats are so tightly packed that I can't feel my legs and im not sure that I still believe in the old adage anymore that it's better to travel than to arrive. Today's special is egg and asparagus salad apparently. That might explain the state of the toilet.

I'm sure it wasn't like this under Labour.

27 years...

noreply@blogger.com (Lenny Smallman) — Fri, 14 May 2010 23:27:00 +0000

Just taken the DLR to city airport. It's like being on a toy train at Alton Towers. Amazing to travel through London old and new.

At airport.

A group of 12 very pissed men tanking it in the bar before setting off somewhere for the weekend. Hopefully not the same flight as me... And an armed copper choosing a book from the history section in WH Smith - I'm just relieved it wasn't an Andy McNab. And no piped muzak. Was that the 70s? I kind of miss it...

Reading an incredibly harrowing book about Stephen Downing who was wrongfully jailed - in 1973 - for 27 years for a murder in Derbyshire that he didn't commit... Such a terrible fear - injustice on that level. it's bad enough when you have to sit near 12 drunks at an airport.

Junior Apprentice

noreply@blogger.com (Lenny Smallman) — Thu, 13 May 2010 12:20:00 +0000

Apologies for lack of blogs these last few days. Had my head down recording music. Has anything interesting happened with the government since the weekend?

On Oxford Street I just got trapped behind the Hare Krishnas. I remember the man who used to stand on the corner of Regent St with the placard bearing the benefits of eating more nuts and protein... But what are the Hare Krishnas after, other than the right to walk down Oxford Street wearing orange blouses whilst ringing their little bells?

I'm both loving and appalled by Junior Apprentice. And totally gripped already.

VIP Votes

noreply@blogger.com (Lenny Smallman) — Thu, 06 May 2010 08:38:00 +0000

Just spent half an hour queuing to get into the polling station. I took that to mean either an unprecedented turnout or they hadn't managed to get very well organised....

After eventually making it inside the door I was greeted by a very dour woman who looked at my polling card and said 'No, sorry!' in a particularly annoying manner, then moved onto the person behind me. I bristled and challenged the meaning of her words. She told me I couldn't go straight through but had to continue queueing for another 15 minutes because the name of my road came before J in the alphabet. I had been previously unaware of a privileged VIP voting system for people who lived on roads beginning with letters from L to Z, but meekly accepted my position in the alphabetic underclass and told her that it was a small price to pay for democracy...

On the voting paper, however, there was no mention of a Keep BBC Radio 6 Music Alive party.

I had to sing an audition song yesterday for a proper west end musical, for a director who had seen my Lenny Smallman Show. I've never done anything like that before and it was an amazing experience. I chose a difficult song with four key changes, but actually went three better than that - and sung it with seven, mainly because I couldn't hear the piano very well. That's why I like singing my own songs best; no-one can tell when you start making up the tune.

Revolutions: Industrial vs. Internet

noreply@blogger.com (Lenny Smallman) — Tue, 04 May 2010 10:06:00 +0000

Something delightfully old fashioned about a Bank Holiday.

It brings up images of black and white charabancs taking mill workers off to the seaside for a day of picnics and debauchery before returning to their harsh industrial lives. Nowadays everything stops apart from, well just about everything. The banks obviously. And schools. And... well... council offices, but that's about it really. And today everything is back to normal.

Meanwhile, we are a couple of days away from deciding on which politicians we want to trust to make all our big decisions for the next few years. I'm still not sure what to do. The parties have all gone very quiet over the whole BBC Radio 6 issue.

In the next century, people will look back on this period of history as the Internet Revolution, in the same way we studied pictures of the Industrial Revolution and tried to imagine a world before machines. They will try to imagine a world before Amazon, Ocado and the ability to download instant pornography.

But will they still get Bank Holidays? I'm not so sure.

Overpriced-man-perfume

noreply@blogger.com (Lenny Smallman) — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 17:20:00 +0000

In a tube carriage surrounded by eight people: two are sleeping, two are reading papers, three are playing phone games and the man sitting opposite is wearing far too much eye make up.

I am wearing a new expensive scent that I really like. It was an impulsive purchase in the chemist while buying a bulk box of surgical gloves.

Don't ask...

My old eau de toilette had run out a few days ago. The new scent was on offer for 25 quid, down from 39. No one else on the carriage smells this good, as far as I can tell.

You don't hear much about pheromones these days. I'm sure scientists used to go round in the 70s, spraying them on train seats to see if it could help men become more attractive to women. They seemed to belong to an age where Denim was for the man who didn't have to try too hard and High Karate resulted in nubile alpha females fighting over you in the jungle.

As I write this on my phone, the woman sitting next to me has just shifted along to the free seat on the other side of her. Maybe I should have bought some of those pheromones instead of the very overpriced perfume.

Shut off the flow...

noreply@blogger.com (Lenny Smallman) — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 10:56:00 +0000

Americans have a long tradition of speaking bad film dialogue whenever they get interviewed on the news. The head of the oil fire fighting company currently dealing with the spill off the Gulf of Mexico coast has said "The object of this game is to shut off the flow." That's the sort of bad line you expect Bruce Willis to say.

Are there still British people stranded in airports all over the world? Or are they all back home, trying to deal with bank statements and piles of leaflets offering pizza discounts. I think Gordon's microphone has replaced the volcano as the greatest non-eruption of the past few weeks.

Like almost everybody else, I certainly wouldn't want anyone to record what I say in private, especially after some difficult social experience. That's what being human is all about. We're allowed to be lovely on the outside and totally vile within.

First rule of interviews

noreply@blogger.com (Lenny Smallman) — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 22:55:00 +0000

First rule of interviews - always remember to take your microphone off.

Five days without a run and three successive cafe working lunches is not great for the soul. Very hard to resist egg and chips in those places but managed it today by ordering a bowl of minestrone soup. So of course I'm very hungry now.

Apparently the Monster Raving William Hill Loony Party has a policy to introduce 99p coins to save on small change. That's actually quite a good idea. And the New Millennium Bean party wants drunk drivers to be forced to have bright orange cars for 5 years after being convicted.

Marathon Back-up

noreply@blogger.com (Lenny Smallman) — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 11:01:00 +0000

Shock horror! Junior civil servant in Home Office has sense of humour! Besides, how appalling it is that someone should suggest it would be a good idea for the Pope to go about "sacking dodgy bishops".

Went to watch the London Marathon yesterday. The other side of the road had few spectators, so I crossed over in time to see the elite men speed through like alien bullets. Then overheard someone next to me say to their friend they should cross back before the mass runners arrived otherwise they'd "never make it back to the tube". Good job I took their advice. Another five minutes, and I'd still be trying to get home from Rotherhithe...

Starting to get nervous about the amount of music I've recorded for the album, all now sitting on one drive. Just bought another to back it up, but keep putting off the transfer as those things often tend to go horribly wrong and usually end up with me accidentally wiping everything. I might need help.

Ashes to ashes

noreply@blogger.com (Lenny Smallman) — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 16:15:00 +0000

Bizarre twist to yesterday's funeral. The car carrying Gid's coffin was involved in a crash on the way to the service. The driver was hospitalised with whiplash and a replacement hearse had to be found, delaying the service by an hour or so. Perhaps it's not just life that happens when you're panning other things, but death gets a look-in too. I have a long history of providing music for special occasions but I don't think

I've had one of my songs played at a funeral before. Two young members of Gid's family played and sang a beautiful version of Ain't Gonna Hold Your Hand No More, which threw a completely new light on the words. And now I just received a beautiful handwritten card from a dear friend - the picture on the front says 'Enjoy Life', which is probably not too wide of the mark. A handwritten card will always be more precious than an email because of the effort and delayed time involved. Isn't there a Ghandi quote about there being more to life than increasing its speed?

Okay, that's quite enough of other people's quotes for one day.

Westminster's Got Talent

noreply@blogger.com (Lenny Smallman) — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 11:29:00 +0000

Still suffering listening to Prefab Sprout from the 1980s. I can still remembering borrowing Swoon from Bakewell library and hearing it for the first time. Didn't get it at all. Didn't get it so much that had to play it all again straight away. Then again straight after. After the third listen I started to understand that this was a record that I would be listening to for a long, long time. Probably for the rest of my life. It still sounds like I'm hearing that first day. A sonic explosion from the past, where all your teenage ghosts come back to haunt...

A builder working next door [who already seems to spend a lot of time chatting on his phone outside the front door] has just asked if he can borrow a drill... I asked if his has broken. He said he doesn't have one. Isn't that like a taxi driver not having a car?

Watched three men on television last night, all of them begging for public votes. Not sure the title was very catchy though. Westminster's Got Talent has a much better ring to it.

Happily heading into town to have lunch with a work colleague. Things to discuss. Then back for friends' arrival to prepare for their third close funeral in two years. That has to be pushing it on the unlucky front.

David Lynch and Limoges...

noreply@blogger.com (Lenny Smallman) — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 07:17:00 +0000

It's about this time of year that I always wish I was doing the London Marathon. Trouble is, I'd only be able to do 5 miles and then have to stop, which means I'd barely get out of Woolwich.

Apparently someone has just tried to attack John Prescott wearing a John Prescott mask. That sounds like a David Lynch scene and has to do well on Youtube. Malcolm McLaren's family asked fans to celebrate his funeral cortege today with 'a minute of mayhem...' Maybe John Prescott used to be a Pistols fan?

The new album is coming on nicely. I now have all 14 songs recorded as guide tracks with rough vocals, ready for Mark's live drums on at least 6 of the songs. We're set to record those on May 19th at Mike's studio and then I can do the proper vocals and the rest of the arrangements.

Listening to Prefab's Sprout first single - Lions In My Own Garden [Exit Someone] - from 1982, and still blown away by it. Paddy McAloon wrote it about a girl who left him to go to Limoges, hence the title. I've never been to Limoges but thought it always sounded incredibly exotic, like most places in the world that you never get to see. Sometimes life feels way too short. And there are all kinds of marathons that don't involve running...

The morning after the morning after the night before...

noreply@blogger.com (Lenny Smallman) — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 15:10:00 +0000

Still recovering from a night out two days ago!

Something fantastic and awful about getting into bed when the birds are singing, knowing you have to be up in an hour or so for a dentist check- up you should never have made and can't afford to cancel.

Sat bleary-eyed in the dentist's chair trying not to breathe alcohol fumes over the lovely Croatian hygienist. Nothing going wrong on the dental front, I'm pleased to say. And I don't think there's a lot she can do about red wine lips. I suddenly became very thirsty and almost drank the pink juice.

The planes seem to have started flying again. As have the eggs. Footballers are not happy about having to sit on a coach. Wonder what the traveling fans make of that?