Lighter Life?

Starting Week Six Again....

2008-01-08T21:38:00.000+00:00

well, I never really did week six. It started on Christmas Day and Week Seven started on New Year's Day.. So technically this should be trigger week. Oddly I am looking forward to trigger week! In a very strange way I think it will be fun.

So, to make the most of it I am starting Week 6 today. I need to catch up on my reading and find out what that actually means.

I feel so much better for going to the meeting. The bad news is a 3lb gain. But actually - I am quite happy with that. I had feared it would be more - 3lb is really not too bad. The meeting wasn't great - there was a massive turn out of new starters and returners and a few familiar faces. As we are all at different stages it is hard to have a constructive meeting. But it was like a post-confessional high. I laid my sins infront of me, was forgiven and got back on with the programme. Hurrah.

So operation lose 3lbs starts now. Well actually - I want to lose 7lbs. So. That is the current goal. 7lbs...

Co-ordinates locked - destination in sight...

2008-01-07T22:13:00.000+00:00

Hello there.. Feeling a bit better today. I've been a good girl. I've tried hard to stick with a version of the programme.

I think blogging really helped and has been something I have not been doing for a while - so I am glad I got back with this. Yesterday I ate very well, mainly fruit and quinoa. I also did a 600 calorie work out at the gym. Today I had quinoa and apple porridge for breakfast, an LL foodpack for lunch, fruit snacks and a prawn salad for dinner after the gym. I also had a bar this evening - a lemon bar as biscuits. Delicious. So I think I am doing well.

I am still way way over what I was before Christmas. Last count - about 5lbs over. Now this is mentally acceptable as long as I can shift it again. Even if it takes til February to do so. One of the problems of LL is that you expect to drop lots of weight each week, and can easily forget that if you're eating that is not as easy. But if this is for life - and it has to be, then I must get used to putting on and loosing weight. That needs to be normal but within a range. Ideally that range would be 9lbs below where I am right now.

My focus has slightly changed. I am thinking more about getting fitter and more toned. I can already feel the improvement in such a short time. I just have to keep up the commitment.

So, weigh in tomorrow. I am dreading it as I know I have put on. I have toyed with the idea of never going back and just working out my own programme but I know that will not work. So I must face the music.

A long, long, long way from the route to management - Day still not known

2008-01-06T11:46:00.000+00:00

Argh. Confession time. I have slipped right back to old habits. Not entirely, by which I mean I did avoid getting take out, eating pizza etc, but I have been in some demented state and have been eating way too much.

New Year's Eve was a unmitigated disaster. I didn't avoid drink - and it led to a whole world of pain and misery. But the less said about that the better. However it has meant that I have been replacing my usual comforts with food. I have not shifted any weight. In fact this morning I am even heavier. The crooked thinking is working over time and I can't seem to shout it down.

The only positive is that I have been going to the gym and working off about 500 calories each time - but this is not enough. I had intended not to go back to the meeting until I had shifted the weight I had gained but at this rate it is not possible. I need to go back in and accept my wrong doings - and get back with the programme.

Route to Management works - I know it does. When I was reading the blue book - following the food choices, looking after myself and thinking about what I was doing it worked. So, for those of you starting RtM - stick with it. I need to seriously get back to it. I am going to assume I am on week 5 from this week. I will go back and read the books and start again from there. And another gym trip today.

Off the beaten track - Day not known.

2007-12-30T10:21:00.000+00:00

Ahh, how do I start? Well, with my tail between my legs I think. I lost the plot over Christmas. I did intend to stick within the rules. I had hoped that some subconscious drive would keep me on the straight and narrow, but alas, my subconscious is all about the food! And it took over big time.

It started with my work night out. I was an absolute star with the food. Avoiding all bread and potatoes etc, sticking near enough to my allowed foods but then I had a glass of wine. And then the rest of the bottle - I think I may have had someone else's bottle too... It ended up very messy.

Along came Christmas dinner - and again, not too bad. I did have a bit of bread with the starter and then some pigs in blankets with dinner - but then I sort of forgot to stop. Along came the honey roasted peanuts, the pringles, the chocolates... the list goes on. And apart from cooking - which I seemed to be doing constantly, I did no exercise at all.

In an attempt to clear out the Christmas feast I then did two days of abstinence. This did help as it shifted a couple of pounds but no sooner had I returned back to my own flat - I had spent Christmas at the homestead - I made a pasta bake!!! I mean? What the hell was I thinking? I actually went to Tescos, bought all the ingredients, cooked and ate it. I then opened the chocolates that I had been given and plowed into them.

But it has to stop today. I am now 4lbs heavier than my last weigh in. It is only now 4lbs due to the couple of days on abstinence. It was 7lbs. I should be going to a weigh in tomorrow as my usual Tuesday one is on New Year's Day and therefore cancelled. But I can not face going just to record a weight gain. I don't want to blot my copy book. I can go in and be 1lb heavier, or stay the same - but no more than that. So I have until the 8th January to get with the programme, get to the gym and lose 4lbs.

I need a plan of action. Firstly I am going to the gym today. I am going to ignore every argument against it that my mind keeps throwing up in the same way I ignored every argument as I walked around tescos. I am going out for dinner tonight - but it will be sushi, so I will not eat today - by which I mean I will just stick to food packs, and I will just have sashimi tonight. I will have to drive so I will not drink.

Tomorrow - New Year's Eve. The one thing I didn't do over Christmas was drink. I had a glass of champagne to toast the event, and I had a glass of red wine on boxing day, but that was it. After my work night out I really couldn't be doing with it. Now, tomorrow could be rather awkward depending on who is at the party. But I have a choice... Do I drink to overcome the situation, or avoid drink entirely and quite possibly still have dignity by the end of the night! Hmm.. We'll see.

Essentially I think the gym has to become my new best friend. I need routine and structure. I also need to run a marathon to burn off yesterday's carb fest.

I am not sure what day I am on at the moment. I know I need to start back where I left off. Which I think was week five. But I want to shift the weight first - then work out where to start back. I have enough food packs to see me through to the next meeting.

I will also spend more time ctaching up with blogs and getting on the forum. I need the wisdom of others to pull me through!

Day Twenty Nine - RtM

2007-12-18T21:41:00.000+00:00

Hello there!

It's been a while, but I have still been trudging on through the programme. Actually, that's not true. I have been mostly skipping happily through the programme. Time is flying! I am just about to start week five of route to management! This is fabulous as it means I will be able to enjoy a drink over Christmas.

My weight is still slowly going down. A pound last week and another pound this week. However, the novelty factor of keeping my food/mood diary has slipped away. This is not a good thing and I vow to keep it properly this week. Especially as this day next week is Christmas Day. I know that I will be ok in company but I fear that I will slip over a few times when I am alone. I am not going to beat myself up about it though. I will let the scales and my clothes be my judge and jury.

I would say that 90% of the time I am sticking to the whole programme with a little 10% buffer. As my weight is still slowly dropping I am not worried. I have had no massive eat up or major binge. Just the odd Gingerbread latte or chewy toffee.

I went to the meeting tonight and got some more bars. I do find them handy but I have not been having my two packs a day. I have replaced having the bars with eating fruit. I can be a bit of a faddy eater so I will probably get bored of fruit and will return to the packs.

Right, I am going to watch a man try to loose thirty stone now! A bit of inspiration.

Hope everyone is well and are all set for a Happy Christmas!

Day Twenty - RtM

2007-12-09T12:36:00.000+00:00

Another slow start today. It is funny how I so crave the chance to have a weekend to myself and as soon as I get it I want nothing more than to be surrounded by friends and family.

I have just had breakfast/lunch. I made a bowl of quinoa with apple juice, diced apples and cinnamon. It is delicious. All the flavours and smells of christmas. I don't seem to have any connection with what it means to be full though. Or should I say - no longer hungry. I need to really make that a massive focus this week and make myself stop eating when I am no longer hungry.

I am going to see Billy Budd performed by the LSO tonight. It is all very odd as I bought the tickets to go with someone I no longer have any contact with. I have not spoken to this person in months and therefore have a spare ticket. The things is that most people have no interest in going to see it so, like my little trip to the opera last Thursday, I may well be going alone again.

I guess that is why I am on a bit of a downer - made worse by my time spent alone to ponder on it. One of my main reasons to lose weight was in order to be more confident to go out and meet someone. At 31 I am totally done with being single. Yet I continue to find myself thoroughly alone. Maybe I need to be more proactive - any ideas?

Day Nineteen - RtM

2007-12-08T18:53:00.000+00:00

I have had a very, very lazy day today. I was so happy to see that the weather was so miserable which justified my keeping the curtains closed and the dvd box sets on rotation.

I'm not sure if I am doing the RtM correctly. I am keeping to the food lists - well, mostly. Without the structure of the food packs I am not sure if I am on the right road. I have a funny feeling that I have planned my own route this week.

So, where have I gone wrong? Firstly, I've been cooking the vegetables. Secondly, I have eaten some fruits and veg which are not on the week three list. Thirdly, I have been eating foods that I enjoy and like the taste of - and therefore probably more than I should. Take right now for example. I am not hungry at all. Yet I know what I have planned for dinner so I want to eat! This is what I have always been like. Not eating because I am hungry but because I love food - and enjoy the flavours.

Yesterday for example:

For breakfast I had some raspberries.

For lunch I had two clementines and an apple

For dinner I made a bolognaise with quinoa.

So - why is this wrong? Firstly - no foodpacks. Secondly I didn't bring any food into work so I ate what was on the table - the clementines and the apple. And finally because the bolognaise was so delicious, as was the quinoa, I ate more than I needed.

This is the first time I have tried quinoa so I thought I would experiment and make a breakfast version using an apple and apple juice. It was so delicious that I ate it for dessert. Now, that wasn't on plan. All the food choices were - but not the portions.

So this is why I think I have lost my way a little. I haven't planned everything out like I did in the first two weeks. So next week I will plan out my meals for the day to make sure I don't lose my way again.

Ahh, and I have been cheating slightly - well, actually, just cheating. A skinny gingerbread latte is not anywhere in the book - yet I have had three in the last two weeks. I also bought some chocolate toffees which I have been having a couple of each day. Not big binges just too much breaking of the rules.

My weight has stayed the same this week - no movement. But I guess that is the point of RtM. To maintain the lower weight you have achieved. It is just that when you get used to weeks and weeks of loosing weight every week you expect to see the scales moving. As I sit here I don't feel any different to how I did four months ago. I know the difference when I get ready to go out but at home, sitting in my pjs watching Xfactor there is no difference at all. I guess that's why the old food habits seem such an easy choice.

So - as for today.

Breakfast - Apple quinoa (all allowed - small portion)

Snack - 2 clementines

Lunch - Chocolate foodpack - as a shake

Afternoon - cup of tea.

Extras - a few chewing nuts (chocolate covered toffee things)

I am having the left overs of yesterday's dinner tonight for dinner.

I think I just need a lot more guidance and reassurance on this part of the programme. I really fell like I am just going it alone at the moment.

Day Fifteen - RtM

2007-12-04T22:48:00.000+00:00

Man, raspberries, tomatoes and cherries taste so damn good. Think I must have been craving something in red foods!

Only 1lb down but right direction!

Day Twelve - RtM

2007-12-01T19:42:00.000+00:00

So, 12 days down. It's not easy though. Having to be constantly thinking about food choices after the relative luxury of having no choice whatsoever. I'm constantly worried that I will go too far. Part of this anxiety is because I still want to continue loosing rather than just to maintain what I currently weigh. I am still glad that I decided not to stay in abstinence... I couldn't continue with the packs as a sole source of food.

I'm having a Saturday night in on the sofa so I stopped off at the supermarket and picked up some sugar free jelly so if I feel the need to snack I can without obsessing about what I can not have. I also need to have a couple more packs today. I reckon I'll have a big chocolate shake later. Yesterday I didn't manage to have all my food packs. Now that I am using my 'snack' as lunch and my dinner for dinner - I have a pack for breakfast but I don't always get around to having two more during the day. This is especially the case if I go out in the evening.

I've still not been out for sushi! This is shocking because I have been obsessing about sushi since August. AND it is SO ok for me to have sashimi. I am assuming that wasabi will be ok and I know that soy sauce is fine. I may get up and go for some Christmas shopping tomorrow and enjoy some sushi for lunch. Or I may sleep. Sleep is good.

I'm not really focused at the moment - think I'll sign off!

Day Eight - RtM

2007-11-27T23:28:00.000+00:00

So, one week down. Phew. And lots more delicious foods to add to the fridge. I am too tired to give it much thought at the moment but tomorrow I will sort it all out. Delicious!

Good news - after a few weeks of stable weight - I lost 3lbs this week. Hurrah.

Day Six - RtM

2007-11-25T20:27:00.000+00:00

This isn't quite what I thought it would be. I am not having a good day. I don't get why my head is so over the place. Well, I didn't get it so I went in search of inspiration or solace - I found Cerulean's blog and read that. It made me feel a little bit better and a little more normal.

The thing is, I really have not done anything wrong. Well, the most I have done wrong this week is have two bars one day. But I feel like I am failing. I feel like I am getting it all wrong. I am religiously keeping my food and mood diary and although I couldn't think why a couple of days ago I can see why now. In fact I think I should get a bigger book. Most of the time - and given that three of the meals a day are food packs - I can't say much more than 'I felt fine' an hour before and 'fine still' an hour after. But today I went a bit crazy.

I decided to roast a chicken today so I could have chicken for the next three days.

........... You, know, this blog bloody helps as I have just had numerous light bulbs go off in my head it is ridiculous...........

I got up at 5am to take my aunt and cousins over to Stansted for my aunt's funeral. I can not go as I don't want to ask for more time off after going a week ago to sit and watch the most horrendous thing I have ever seen. No more detail needed. But I do not think I have processed it all yet. I feel so bad that I am not going. All my family and cousins have gone over. Except my brother but he is in New York so it is harder for him. Leaving them at the airport and me not going makes me feel really quite sick.

I then picked up my best friend to take him to the airport. He is off to Brazil for a couple of weeks - I will miss him not being here. He is on a very nervous trip too and a lot depends on this trip. I am also worried about that.

But... I am one of those people who shelves everything. I don't ever deal with things that emotionally upset me. So it is starting to sink in why I have been so off all day.

I came home from the first airport drop off at half seven this morning and started chopping garlic and herbs to stuff the chicken. I did a load of washing and then had to rush off to do the next airport drop off.

I then came home and spent an hour looking up recipes for, and then making turkey burgers.

After I had roasted the chicken - I took it out to cool and then began to take all the skin off and remove the meat to set aside for my meals. I 'tried' a bit of the chicken. Then tried a bit more and a bit more. The thing is I could only have eaten about one thigh and maybe a leg of chicken in total - without the skin, before I panicked and covered everything up and went to my computer to plan lessons for this week. I didn't have dinner as planned as I had eaten all the chicken I was 'allowed' for the day.

Beyond that I have had a food pack for breakfast, one this afternoon and a bar this evening. So - as I said - I haven't actually eaten more than I should. But the fact that I stood eating straight from the carcass in some kind of crazed meat stupor has made me really angry.

It is only in writing this that I can begin to relate my actions to my emotional state. I was so busy suppressing the emotion and not even allowing myself to acknowledge that I might be upset that I kept myself busy and then tried to stuff food down on top of the upset to quieten it further.

I have then spent the day projecting my anxiety and upset all on the food when I am probably more upset about the funeral and not being there.

But where does that leave me?

1. I must realise that I HAVE stuck to the program today.
2. I have only had 3 food packs (allowed) and some skinless chicken (allowed).
3. I have drunk three litres of water - good.
4. I have helped my aunt and cousins this morning by taking them to the airport making the trip a little easier for them.
5. I helped my friend by taking him to the airport.
6. I did not eat all the chicken - I wrapped it up and put it away.
7. I did not eat anything off plan.
8. It is ok to be upset about not going to Ireland.
9. I have been there - me being there did help whilst I was there. People will understand me not going this time.
10. I must sleep -- lack of sleep makes things worse.

So there we are. Man, that was some Epiphany. And a lot cheaper than therapy. Go me! Just got to read through those ten items a few times so I can go to bed happier.

Also, I must freeze the turkey burgers as I will not be able to have them this week. I have enough chicken for the next two days at least and the burgers will go off if they are not frozen.

So week one of RtM is a bumpy ride. The scales have yet again not budged. My weight appears to be the most stable thing around here!

Day Ninety Nine

2007-11-20T23:09:00.001+00:00

.... but day one of Route To Management ....

I didn't enjoy the meeting today. Not only did they not have any chocolate packs or new style bars, in fact only old style nut bars, but I felt really lost. Everyone is at different stages and talking about completely different experiences. I sat very quietly wanting just to know what I am going to do this week. Finally we were given the new books (one other girl has moved over with me). I couldn't wait to get home and start reading.

Having been so disappointed by the total lack of any packs I like and the fact that I had only had three packs so far I decided to make today day 1. I went to Waitrose and bought a chicken breast. I came home and covered it in salt and pepper and cooked it on the George Forman. I laid the table, first time in months and made a meal of it. It was so moist and delicious. Way better than I had thought it would. I really thought that I would be disappointed by the taste but I loved it and was not bothered by the lack of anything else on the plate. I ate very slowly and enjoyed every bite. I must say that I did eat the whole breast but it wasn't particularly big.
I even enjoyed cleaning and washing up after. Just for the novelty.

I then sat and read through week one of the book and planned out what I would eat this week. I then made up a shopping list which I will go tomorrow and purchase. How exciting!!!

I am meant to be going out for dinner on Thursday evening, well it is a jazz club and it is seated at dinner tables so food is not the main focus. I don't know whether I should go though. It could be too easy to break the rules and at this stage I want more control rather than less. What to do... What to do...

I did something very odd this evening too. I have been having cravings over many many things over the last three months but most recently it was Cheese and Onion crisps. Particularly Taytos from Ireland as I saw them there. When I was walking around Waitrose this evening I bought some. Honest to God, bought a packet of crisps. I haven't eaten them. They are just sitting in the kitchen. I am shocked how easy it was to just buy them. Not that they are a banned substance or anything but I didn't think I would manage to just buy them without stopping myself.

Hmm. Need to think about that one a bit more.

Day Ninety Eight

2007-11-19T23:57:00.000+00:00

So, I am back after a most horrible few days. I feel utterly drained and exhausted but have work in the morning.

Food wise, however, for that is what this is for, I managed to stick only to my packs and bars. Although tiredness, emotional wretchedness and a constant unrelenting supply of snacks were giving me many reasons to eat, I did not. I couldn't help but think that if I could get through that without turning to food then I can get through anything. I must remember this lesson - and learn it well.

At one point, when I was feeling totally exhausted, cold and in need of something to stop me from feeling sick I hovered over a slice of soda bread and a banana. I knew it had everything I needed to make me feel better and seemed like a good, balanced, healthy choice. I then was explaining to my mum that if I could justify why I should eat this it would not be a big step before I would be able to justify why I needed the bread with jam, and then how a biscuit would be fine too. But the truth of the matter was that I really needed to go to bed and get some sleep.

I also realised something else. When we were in the hotel over the road getting dinner, as we did each da (I ate a bar), I looked through the menu. I knew for a fact that if I was to choose what I wanted to eat I would not make a 'good' choice. I wanted the steak sandwich with chips, or the spring rolls with chilli dip, or the spicy chicken wings. Not one part of me wanted any of the healthier options. This was important as I am going to my first Route To Management meetings tomorrow night. I need food to be introduced slowly. I need to make choices from a very limited list of foods. Without these boundaries I am going to put a lot of weight on very fast.

Although I have read the blogs and threads on minimins I am still not sure how this is all going to work for me. Tomorrow is Day 99 and Wednesday is Day 100 - but do I start eating tomorrow or wait til Thursday? I guess it'll be up to me. I am going out on Thursday night and will be eating - not a lot and within the boundaries - well, maybe slightly over them, and I think I will have preferred to have experimented with eating at home first. So a couple of days eating slowly and getting to grips with things at home would be a good idea.

I have lost a few more pounds according to my scales this week and I hope it shows tomorrow at the meeting. I want to get down to a BMI of 25 but I am happy with the way I look in my clothes now.

So, I will post again tomorrow after the meeting.

Day Ninety Three

2007-11-14T19:50:00.000+00:00

So, sad news today. I am off to a funeral in Ireland. I am leaving tomorrow and will be back on Monday evening. I have not been to Ireland since my Grandmother's funeral which was ten years ago. I feel horribly guilty but I am glad that I have made the decision to join my parents. My Headteacher was great - there really was no problem with me going. At least that is a stress out of the way.

My family really are the traditional - "Ah, you will, go on with ya, you will, you are hungry, you must eat something..' types. So, the foodpacks should be fun! I don't want to find myself in a situation where I am making a scene but I reckon I should be able to just avoid the whole food issue all together.

I've packed my bag and will go into work tomorrow morning just to chase up a few unruly children. I will then pick up my parents and my aunt and go to Stanstead.

I am dreading all of this.

Day Ninety One

2007-11-12T21:03:00.000+00:00

Week 14 meeting!

Another 3lbs down. Not bad. AND........ our last meeting in Foundation. After a lot of thought I have decided to go straight into Route to Management. The LLC is quite happy with my choice and although she tried to talk another member of the group into going into Development she seemed to see that I had reasoned out my choice.

Now, I know I still have at least 10lbs left to loose. And I know all the arguments about not going into management until you have lost all the weight you want to lose - but I know I am doing the right thing for me. I may change my mind, I will probably make mistakes but right now this is the right thing for me.

So. Another week of abstinence, complete abstinence and then a new meeting next week. From now on my meetings will be on at a Tuesday at 7.15pm. So I have decided that I will pack my gym bag. Go straight from work to the gym and then to my meeting. It'll be much better than going home first. Hurrah!

Feeling very positive about this - hope it lasts!

Day Eighty Five

2007-11-06T17:59:00.001+00:00

So, I am in a desperate search of a pattern...

Losses:

Week 1: -9lb
Week 2: -4lb
Week 3: -1lb
Week 4: -2lb
Week 5: -4lb
Week 6: -6lb
Week 7: -3lb
Week 8: -3lb
Week 9: -3lb
Week 10: -2lb
Week 11: -4lb
Week 12: -2lb
Week 13: -1lb

Ok - Can't spot it...

So...

Wk1-Wk4: 16lb
Wk5-Wk8: 16lb
Wk9-Wk12: 11lb

So... The way I see it something isn't right. My LLC keeps saying that the weight loss is constant even if it doesn't show up as being so. By my estimation week 13 should have shown a bigger loss to make up for a slower previous 4 weeks. I have done nothing different for the last 13 weeks. I thought it might be that getting closer to goal could affect it but again the LLC said that is not the case. I'm getting annoyed. Particularly when I read how other people are falling off the wagon, or down right just eating and they are still losing more than me.

Hmmm. Feeling very cheated today. To retaliate I got up at quarter to six this morning and went for a run before getting ready for work. I figured I'd do that on top of usual activity this week to see if it helps. I wish I could put it down to TOTM - but as I have PCOS that is not possible, or at least not predictable.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Day Eighty Four

2007-11-05T20:39:00.000+00:00

1lb.. So, no longer need to have a question over the whole Development vs Management argument. At this rate of loss it has to be Development. In fact at this rate I'll not hit goal til next summer!

But, it's a blip, right? I'll lose loads more next week.

Jeez.

Day Seventy Seven

2007-10-29T22:33:00.000+00:00

Ok, So I really wanted to lose 4lbs to get to the three stone loss mark. So I was overjoyed when, according to my scales - and just out of bed, before having a shower - I had made it Hurrah! Sadly the official weigh in showed a two pound loss. But a loss is good. Real good.

Talk tonight was all about what we were doing next.... The fill in LLC said - "Well next week is your last week and then we say goodbye and you decide whether to go into development or Management." Hang On.. I thought... Hang On one cotton picking second... This is day 77... according to my seven times table that makes next week day 84. So what gives?

She then went on to ask what I would like to do next. I have been pondering this very thing, and very kindly Mrs L has given some excellent advice. Now the thing is, I have never craved or really wanted to be skinny or even slim - just not fat. However the LLC seems to think that is what I want. I said I was happy to go into management at the end of the 100 days - she then spent a good ten minutes telling me that a) I should go into development and stay abstinent and, in the same breath, b) not to let other people tell me when I should eat/not eat! Now, is it just me or is that a tiny bit hypocritical?

I have also been talking to my friend about it, just now in fact. His analogy was about going for milk. When you are already out in the evening, he said, it is easier to walk that extra 15 mins and get the milk there and then, than having to get up and out in the morning and get it. Clear? Hmm.. But, yes. Maybe I should just keep walking that 15 minutes - or however many weeks it may take, than having to metaphorically get up in the morning and decide that I did want that milk after all. So much to think about.

In the back of my head I have decided that I will stick out the 100 days and make a decision then. In other news two black jumper dresses arrived in the post from asos.com today. They look great! Now I just need to be brave enough to wear a dress out! I am going to see Rufus Wainwright for the thousandth time on Wednesday - maybe I'll wear one of them then!

Ah, it is late and I have not got the car ready for it's service tomorrow. But I will set the alarm....

...I'll tidy up the rooms
And turn the covers down, and gazing at the moon
Will pray to go quite mad.....

Thank you Ms Ian.

Day Seventy Five

2007-10-27T10:25:00.000+01:00

Oooooh, not long now!

So, it's Saturday morning and I am here on the sofa watching Saturday Kitchen. I can not get enough of Food Porn. I should be heading off to the gym - I Will be heading off to the gym but I am meeting a friend in there after she has done her tutoring so I am doing the laundry instead - ahh domesticity!

I feel rather content at the moment. I've just had half term so I have had the chance to get away from London a couple of times and chill out. Went for a nice walk up a hill in Wiltshire to see the White Horse and have had nice lie-ins. I couldn't sleep last night so I cleaned out all of my cupboards in the kitchen. I decided not to throw much stuff out. As a singleton living alone in London I, like many, have pretty empty cupboards anyway. I was always a M&S ready meal kind of girl. Which is ironic because I actually really love to cook. I have a shelf of herbs and spices, a shelf of tinned tomatoes and beans of various kinds and then a carb shelf at the top. I will eventually be eating pasta and rice again so I am loathed to just throw it out and waste it.
That's pretty much it. The fridge is funnier. Four bottles of lager, Three bottles of Raspberry beer, Two bottles of white wine and a bottle of champagne! Ahh, a glimpse at my former life.

I turn 31 on Wednesday. Without going into detail I kind of F**ked up quite royally when I turned thirty. In a confused haze of self belief and being utterly besotted with the wrong person I had a bit of a shi**y time. I dropped three stone, hated myself and was pretty darn miserable. Fortunately I have one of the greatest groups of friends available who were, and are, totally wonderful and forgiving. Coming out the other side of it all I just thought 'sod it' and went back to a comfort zone as a way of making myself feel better. Of course that didn't work. So I intend to do things better this time around.

I am desperate to loose 4lbs this week. 4lbs will mean that I have lost three stone. It will be a great mile stone and perfect birthday present. But it is in the laps of the gods. It is very odd how you don't really feel control over your weight loss on LL. I can't 'cut-back' - or choose a lighter option. So - the gym it is instead. I have definitely been more active this week and I hope it has a positive effect.

I have slightly adjusted my goal weight. I wanted to get to ten stone - well, I randomly picked ten stone but I have decided, now that I am closer to the prize, that I will aim for ten and a half. I then want to try to stay between 10 and 11 stone as I work through the RtM part of the programme.

So, a blooody long post - sorry if you have trudged through my swampy brain. But it is cathartic to get it all out. Especially as I am sick of sounding like a diet bore with my friends.

Day Seventy

2007-10-22T21:49:00.000+01:00

Not long now. Only thirty days to go. Another 4lbs down tonight, and only 4 more to go until I have lost 3 stone. So it's all good. I'm not finding the meetings of any use. It seems as if a lot of the ideas a nd 'tools' we are discussing are redundant at the moment and will be far more useful when food is reintroduced. I get the idea that we should be learning how to use them now so we can implement them later but it does not work for me. I guess I learn better in context.

It's half term this week so I have had a nice day. I went and had my hair done this morning and then spent the afternoon doing laundry and watching QVC! Lovely. I really want to go shopping. I was excited about managing to fit into size 14 last week but now it is a pain that my size 16s do not fit. I need to get more clothes! Maybe another pair of cheap jeans from New Look maybe called for. Maybe.

So, seven more days. Some delicious bars and a whole shed load of chocolate food packs to get through.

Day Sixty Six

2007-10-18T19:58:00.000+01:00

I'm not utterly sure why things are going so slow. The scales are just not shifting. I guess it's because I want to be loosing half a stone a week and that's just a phenomenon that is not going to happen. I've actually been more active in the last few weeks then I have been in a long time. I hoped that the increase in activity would reflect in the scales.

It seems as if two - three pounds a week is all I can expect from now on. I wish I could put it down to TOTM but as I have PCOS I've never had a reliable TOTM. I can go for three years without any sign. Yep, three years. I was hoping that with the weight loss I might begin to get a cycle but that does not appear to be happening. I would love to be proved wrong. Most of the websites I have read suggest that a healthy weight will cause the signs and symptoms of PCOS to go away. I really do hope so.

Despite the lack of movement in the scales I was totally decked out in size 14 today. This is amazing for me. So it is odd that I am still so obsessed with the numbers. I think this may be because I am focusing on the healthy BMI. I want to get below 11 stone. And that means the numbers on the scales must go down.

I couldn't be more tired at the moment. I am still feeling run down - despite the uplifting effect of the shopping trip. Could this be a reason for holding on to water? I'm drinking loads to try to wash out any germs as I can feel them collecting and forming plans in my throat. I'm going away for the weekend for lots of fresh air and sleep. And it is also half term this week so I intend to catch up on sleep and leaf kicking.

It seems to be pretty quiet on here at the moment. I hope you are all well and sticking with it!

Day Sixty Three

2007-10-15T21:51:00.000+01:00

Well, I am feeling much better today. It was a really hectic day but enjoyable in the main. I did feel run down all day - it feels like I have given a couple of pints of blood away. However as I went to weigh in and left without staying for the meeting I felt better straight away. I am not so much dreading another week of LL, or the weigh in - it was really the meeting that I had really begun to dread.

I was going to go home to bed but instead I drove up to the Brookfield Centre. It is a few stores out of town. I wanted to just try on some clothes. Deciding that I would buy myself some size 14 jeans so I would have something that I could try on and see that I was getting smaller, I went into Next. I found a really lovely pair of jeans - nervously took the size 14s into the changing room. And lo and behold they did up absolutely fine - comfortable fit! I was shocked. I have always traditionally complained about Next sizes but obviously I was always wrong! I decided not to buy them though. I only bought a pair of size 16 a few weeks ago and they are already loose. So I think I will wait for a few more weeks and then try on the size 12s! I can not believe that that would even be an option for me!

I was really down yesterday because I was focusing on how hard off I was and how everyone else could munch away but I couldn't. I knew that I needed to concentrate on why I was doing this and how bloody far I have come. The therapy I gave myself this evening was far better than any session could have done for me. I did buy a cheaper pair of size 14s from New Look and a lovely size 14 shirt from Autograph at M&S. I then sat and had a coffee and read a magazine. Bliss.

As you can see from the ticker chart below I am exactly half way to goal weight. I picked my goal almost at random when I begun. I chose 10 stone as it seemed like a good round number. My main target however is to have a healthy BMI. And that is my real focus. So I really want to get below 11 stone. At the moment though the mini target is to get below 12 stone. I want to be in the 11s by my birthday. That's 16 days away. Just over two weeks to loose half a stone. Should be possible but I only lost 2lbs this week. Fingers crossed.

Day Sixty Two

2007-10-14T21:46:00.000+01:00

Huurumph.

I just feel like crying all the time. I really want to be done now. I'm having a constant, unrelenting battle between an emotional and intellectual reaction to this whole experience.

I guess LL would put it in terms of my child and my adult. My child is focused on the end. Waiting for the end like a child waiting for their birthday or Christmas. But then if you knew me then you'd know that I am always counting the days to my birthday (16 days) and Christmas (70 days). But I'm not excited.

I need to focus on the reward. At the moment this feels like a constant trial. I keep thinking about the bad side of everything and not on the fact that I'll be slimmer. Which is the only reason I am doing this. I guess it's because I fear failure. What if I do this and then end up slipping into old habits and slowly putting it back on again? That's what I've always done. But in the meantime I just want to taste food. I am sick and tired of foodpacks. I've not once eaten anything against the rules. At the moment I wish I had, have or will. Crooked Thinking, I hear you cry.

The only good part in all of this is that my adult is in full control over what passes the lips and however hard it is dealing with the emotions I still don't see a point when I'll 'cheat'. Although... I did realise that, being a Catholic and having been at Mass a few times I have received a hosts - but not even I am obsessed enough to consider this a fault.

It is the weigh in tomorrow. If the locum LLC is still running it then I will not stay for the meeting. This will be the first one I have missed. For the last three sessions she has repeatedly made me angry, upset and eager to eat in a reaction to her inane, ill considered and horrendously under prepared sessions. She is good friends with our LLC and usually just does the money taking and weigh in so I am not sure how the usual LLC will react if I tell her how I feel about the last three sessions. However, we are paying a lot for the counselling and not just to listen to someone who wants to project her own personal issues and neurosis onto us.

Thirty Eight Days and counting.

Day Fifty Six

2007-10-08T21:10:00.001+01:00

3lbs down...

Day Fifty Four

2007-10-06T13:59:00.000+01:00

So in terms of days I have passed the half way point. And I worked out today that I am five pounds away from reaching the half way point in terms of my goal weight.

I've spent this morning being very lazy. I promised myself a lie-in today as long as the weather was bad and fortunately, although it started good, it has got pretty grey and cold this afternoon. I'm still in a mixed mood about the whole diet. I am definitely getting slimmer. I can see it in my body and feel it in my clothes. And I am happy when I see the results but otherwise I am finding it all very hard work. Part of me keeps reminding myself that it's not long now and I can certainly do it and the other half just wants to be normal and eat normal food. I think I am certain that I will want to enter management when the 100 days are over. I have read the cautionary tales of 'loosing a bit more before you reintroduce food' but I don't think I will do that. I have been giving it a lot of thought as my friend who I am doing this with feels as if she will definitely need to go into development after.

Part of these disordered thoughts may be down to the fact that a few of my friends are currently dong the Cambridge Diet. Both of them only had a very small amount to lose and therefore only did sole source for 1 or 2 weeks. It's making 46 days seem a very long time. But then I had a lot more to loose than them. So my current thinking is 100 days limit. I will get to that point. I will enter management and open that can of worms.

I still have not had one illegal item. Not even a bit of lemon in water. Nothing. But I don't feel particularly virtuous. I feel more like a indoctrinated cult member. I know I won't eat in more of an 'absolutely terrified of what might happen' kind of way. I'm becoming a little too obsessed with it all.

I'm off out tonight to a Pirate themed Murder Mystery night. It sounds really quite ridiculous but I am sure it will be a laugh. I have my costume ready but sadly no parrot. So it is sparkling water and thigh slapping for me this eve!

And back to my original point. I'm pretty much half way there. The point at which I have folded on every diet I have ever done. This is the weakest point for me. I know it. For years I have never got past this point. I wish I'd listened a bit more in psychology class. I wish my subconscious brain would kindly step up and tell me why it does not want me to go any further than this. And a few words from my conscious brain on why it won't let me deviate from the plan. And finally, seeing they spend so much time cooped up in my brain together - why in God's name do they not have a little chat with each other and let me get on with my day!

Arrrrrrrrrr.