What I Ate Today

Izzy, Fat Girls and My Personal Physician Dr. Jerry Novack

2012-12-12T10:53:00.001-08:00

Hey Shank,

Have you heard about the Fat Girls Table?

http://5newsonline.com/2012/12/10/waiter-identifies-table-as-fat-girls-on-bill/

What’s your opinion on this one Tough Guy!

Signed,

Robert “My favorite show is Gossip Girl” McFartyPants

(I have no idea who these people are.)

Dear Mr. McFartypants,

While I find it funny that I am being called out by a dude who watches a show called Gossip Girl, at first I thought you might be talking about a reunion tour of one of my all time favorite Hip Hop Bands. But then I realized that Buff Love died almost twenty years ago of a heart attack while weighing 450lbs:

(When it comes to the Fat Boys I have one thing to say: Disorderlies was an outstanding cinematic event.)

(Do yourself a favor and see this film. I may have overstated things when I said “outstanding” but where else can you find Bananarama, Bon Jovi and the Latin Rascals all in one movie?)

Yes, I am familiar with the “Incident”. For those of you who have better things to do and may not have heard, last week a story came out about three women who went to a restaurant in Stockton, California. When they received the bill the words “Fat Girls” were printed on the receipt:

(Please click on the picture and realize that yes, it really says “Fat Girls”.)

As you can imagine the customers were very upset. I mean who wouldn’t be? I know if I went to a restaurant and the bill said “Sexy Bitch” on it…

(Sexy Bitch, that’s me.)

Well actually I wouldn’t be upset, more like flattered, but I think you get the point.

Since I have received about a dozen emails regarding my opinion on the “Fat Girls” I want to say that I think this story, at least when it comes to issues of diet and fitness, is really frigging stupid.

(This is my friend Izzy. While the news has been focusing it’s attention on a Waiter and Three Chicks with sluggish metabolisms, Izzy has been at the SAVE Animal Shelter for several months. Maybe if media paid as much attention to outstanding dogs like Izzy as it does to financially exploiting human misery she might have been adopted by now.)

The bottom line is discrimination, like Popped Collars, has been around a long time and unfortunately neither seem to be going anywhere any time soon:

(Unless you are this guy, don’t pop your collar. What made him cool makes you look like a tool.)

If you want an educated opinion on the causes of social inequality, which is what this really comes down to, you would be better off consulting a Sociologist, Anthropologist or Psychologist like my personal Physician, Dr. Jerry Novack:

(This is Dr. Jerry Novack. He’s not just a man, he is also a metaphor. In reality he is Psychologist, not a Physician. It’s just any time I can quote Mahoney from The Police Academy and make a Dr. Jerry Novack reference at the same time I am going to do so. And Yes, I know what you are wondering. Dr. Jerry Novack was indeed Lee Marvin’s stunt double.)

(You idiots! You captured their stunt doubles!)

(This is Mahoney and his own personal physician Dr. Larvell Jones)

Now before I start going off on a movie line induced rant here, please realize that anything I say on this issue is going to be clouded by the fact that I do pushups for a living and will have little or nothing to do with addressing on any significant emotional level, the humiliating experience these women went through.

You see when I first saw this story two things popped into my head:

1. Telling Fat People they are Fat doesn’t really work. It is a lot like telling a smoker that smoking is bad for them:

(What you call an unhealthy habit they call “Lunch”. I can hear the conversation right now:

Doctor: Hi Alessandra and Really Hot Blonde Chick this is your physician, Dr. Black Lung. I was just calling to let you know that smoking is bad for you.

Alessandra and Really Hot Blonde Chick: Well thank you Doctor. But since neither one of us has had a solid meal since 1997 we really don’t care.)

Telling a person they are fat or a smoker that smoking is bad tends to irritate the hell out of them. This stresses the person out more and then in an attempt to regain a little bit of equilibrium (and not choke you to death):

(Smoking for weight loss…results may vary.)

They wind up eating and smoking more, not less.

You might think you are helping but you are being just like the waiter. The reality is that anybody who coughs for 5 minutes straight or who still shops in the Husky Section doesn’t need you to give them a bigger dose of awareness about how undesirable their current situation is:

(These are the women from the “Fat Girls” table. And yes, I get the fact that they are all morbidly obese. Yet since this none of them are sitting on recumbent bikes while this picture was taken it seems apparent that reminding them all how overweight they are did nothing to empower them to take better care of their health.)

2. Fat People all seem to eat the same exact things:

When I saw the receipt I saw exactly what I thought I was going to see. Fat People Food. Almost all the overweight people I meet seem to suffer from the same symptoms of a disease I call “A Side Of” as in you get a sandwich (which should be a meal in and of itself) along with a side of :

*A large soda

*French Fries

*Potato chips

*A dozen doughnuts

(These are carrots. If you are looking for a side dish then think of these as “French Fries for skinny people”.)

Granted nothing I have said here today will change the fact that people who are overweight are ostracized in our society. This is because when it comes to discrimination, whether it be public or private, we all do it:

(He’s better than you. And he knows it.)

I just find this ironic when it comes to weight loss because we live in a country which often says one thing when it comes to health (i.e. you must be skinny to matter) but then at the same time sells the exact opposite (cheap and calorie dense foods along with impractical/unsustainable weight loss solutions):

(How many of you out there spent cash on any of this B.S.?)

So for all you angry regular sized people out there I get the fact that overweight people can sometimes be really annoying:

(If you think that we should just accept people being this fat you have obviously never had to spend time on a plane next to a heavy breather like this.)

It’s just ridiculing your less svelte friends doesn’t get anybody anywhere.

And for all you fat people out there stop bitching and moaning and acting like a victims because that is exactly what a lot of you do.

(Whoever came up with this is totally awesome.)

Realize it’s not your genetics, it’s not your thyroid, it’s not GMO’s or Fast Food Restaurants that are to blame or the fact that the world doesn’t accept your for who you are.

It’s the fact that you do a very poor job managing your personal mental and emotional connection to food. You eat too damn much and move too damn little

And that is all I have to say about that.

Till Next Time,

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(How cool would it be if we could dig Lee Marvin up from the dead and have him make one more film where he takes a bunch of young fat soldiers, get’s them in shape and then goes to Germany to kills lots of Nazi’s. We could call it “The Overweight Dozen”. I like the sound of that.)

Thanksgiving, Breast Feeding and Losing Weight

2012-11-18T13:48:00.001-08:00

(It must be her thyroid. One cool thing about living in America is you are always one Turkey Leg away from every day being Thanksgiving.)

Hey Shank,

I’m really scared. It’s Thanksgiving again and I don’t want to blow my diet.

The trainer at my gym recommended I get a really long workout in that morning to minimize the damage. He also said I should get the latest issue of Cooking Light magazine and look up some low fat recipes.

What do you think I should do?

Signed,

Stove Top Stuffing for Brains

(I Googled “Crazy Personal Trainer” and came up with this. I have no idea what to say. The dudes not even wearing his Vibrams.)

Dear Stove Top,

I go through a similar blog post like this one it seems every holiday season. Given the fact I keep receiving emails like yours I guess I better keep doing it. Either that or I should get myself a publicist.

The way I look at it there are two ways you can do something. You can either do it the right way or the wrong way.

Take for instance Breast Feeding. When done correctly Breast Feeding can be incredibly beneficial, resulting in possible improved immunity, IQ and bonding between mother and child.

But when done incorrectly you wind up with something like this:

(This too came up when I Googled “Crazy Personal Trainer”. Those folks at Google have one screwed up sense of humor.)

The same thing applies to holidays, especially Thanksgiving. Holidays are the time to enjoy life with Family and Friends. They are not a time to Aerobic-size and count your Deal a Meal Cards:

(Say what you want about this guy but I have a feeling he genuinely cares. Sure he’s a freak but then again so am I.)

If you want to work out because it makes you feel good then by all means do so. Just don’t do it because you feel it’s going to result in some type of caloric deficit “New Math”.

(Get yourself one of these, the calculator watch and not the hairy forearm mind you, and quickly realize that there is little or no chance that the average person will ever be able to out run a bad diet. Believe me I tried. Those Hot Fudge Sundaes are fast!)

Let’s put it this way. I think you and your trainers priorities are screwed up. If you want to watch your weight then worry about the other three hundred and fifty plus days of the year that are not holidays:

(This is France. They love their holidays and yet are much thinner than us. Translation: Even the French don’t have enough holidays to justify being overweight.)

What I recommend instead is to cherish every moment, every spoonful of turkey, gravy, biscuits, mashed potatoes,stuffing, pie and even that nasty ass cranberry sauce in a can:

(Come on man!)

And thank god that you have a chance to spend one more great day with those you love because there are a lot of people out there who don’t. The last thing I think they regretted is that their Thanksgiving creamed corn wasn’t low cal enough.

Till next time,

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(During his physical prime even Arnold came up for air from time to time and enjoyed some fried chicken)

(He also smoked lots of weed but think that was only so he could eat more fried chicken.)

Smoking Pot, South Carolina and Dunkin Doughnuts

2012-07-17T13:46:00.002-07:00

(This man is the reason why I never really got into hardcore drugs. But that is a story for another time.)

Hey Opinionated Dick Head,

I read your post on Intermittent Fasting.

You are an idiot. I have tried numerous diets in the past but it was only Intermittent fasting that really worked. It has changed my life.

If everybody did it we would not have an obesity problem.

What do you think about that Tough Guy!

Signed,

Guy in a stupid hat

(If the Man in the Yellow hat had a curious monkey, does the Guy in a stupid hat have a really disinterested one?)

Dear Guy in a stupid hat,

You want to hear something funny?

I have never used Marijuana yet I absolutely love movies about people who smoke pot.

Call it whatever you want. Maybe I am living vicariously through Cheech, Chong, Harold and Kumar or I have some unresolved need to be a rebel but either way it’s true.

(For you kids out there too young to know, the entire van was made out of weed.)

You want to hear something else funny?

Dunkin Doughnuts has now come up with a “Diet” Doughnut. Or at least according to one resident of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina they have. Let me explain.

(Myrtle Beach South Carolina, they have a beach there.)

Recently a client of mine was visiting his sister in the Palmetto State. One evening, while sitting on the balcony of her third story condo he witnessed a very strange thing.

As he looked out over the swamp toward the white sandy beach not to far away:

(The Swamp, it’s a metaphor. But it really exists.)

He noticed this Ginormous woman sunning her self by the pool much like a Whale who beached itself in memory of terrestrial ancestors past:

(Whales, they used to live on land you know.)

Up came her Ginormous Husband. He was so big he had to splay his feet outward to balance himself while he walked:

(When you are so heavy it changes the way you walk, it’s time for a change.)

Very lovingly he said in a most comfortable southern tone “I’m gettin to Dunkin Doughnuts, ya want anything?”.

To which she replied “Yep. Git me a dozen of them doughnuts. But not like those one’s you got last time with the holes in the middle. Git me the ones with the cusssstard.”

(Doughnuts, fat people like the ones with Cusssstard.)

This made me think. How fat have people in this country become when “regular” doughnuts just aren’t enough. It’s almost as if somebody saw that hole in the middle and said “There’s potential room for more calories here. I have to fill that with something or I just won’t be satisfied”.

It’s like when cocaine and heroin weren’t “enough” so someone came up with the idea of an eight ball and then next thing you know John Belushi is dead:

(A legend, taken far too early. Now we are left with Three and a Half Men minus Charlie Sheen. There is no God.)

Granted I have not checked up on my history of pastries recently, so for all I know the Boston Kreme could easily pre date the double glazed. But the fact is food nowadays tastes just too damn good.

Culinary exorbitance is the dilemma when it comes to you losing weight. It has nothing to do with the fact that you haven’t bought the next big diet book or ninety day miracle exercise DVD:

(If you want to lose weight and your credit card is out right now you are probably on the wrong track.)

Now when I say that food tastes too damn good I don’t mean that apples these days taste better then apples one hundred years ago. What I mean is apples back in the day were just that, Apples. The modern mutagenic version of Eve’s favorite fruit is now covered in carmel, nuts and chocolate because much like the maligned doughnut hole, there came a time when even Candy apples weren’t enough:

(That is a candy apple. It’s current day freakish children are in the back.)

Face the facts people, food in this era is no longer food. It’s Porn:

(This is a porn star.)

(This is a food porn star. You guys know I like metaphors but that is disgusting.)

As a society we need to come to grips with the fact that 90% of the time what we put into your mouth is meant to be nutrition. It is not meant to an artificial experience of self medication, taste orgasms or a way to avoid dealing with the problems in our lives.

Until we grasp that inconvenient truth people will constantly be searching for that next miracle way to eat. Hence the 50 Billion Dollar Diet and Weight Loss Industry of which Intermittent Fasting and all other fad diets are a part of.

To the Guy in a Stupid hat I wish you best of luck with keeping the weight off this time. But then again maybe that is just the point.

This time.

Till next time yours in chocolate chip cookies (just not covered in chocolate, dipped in six scoops of ice cream, topped with whipped cream, hot fudge and nuts with a cherry on top),

Mike Cruickshank

(If you want one more example of modern day “food” being completely out of control check this out. These are what are called Slutty Brownies. They are raw cookie dough layered with Oreo’s which are then covered in brownie mix and baked at 350 degrees till the glass dish they reside in begins to resemble a crack pipe. Damn do they look good.)

Intermittent Fasting, Making Babies and a German

2012-07-09T09:51:00.000-07:00

(Baby, the other other white meat.)

Dear Shank,

My Frau and I are currently trying to conceive a child. I want to be in the best possible shape for the arrival of our little Wiener Schnitzel.

What do you think about Intermittent Fasting? Will it help me achieve the body of an Ubermensch?

Signed,

The German Baby Maker a.k.a Seth Nietzsche

(As a living legend with eleven kids and an eight pack you might reckon that he would be the person best qualified to answer this question. Inquiries on personal finance, not so much.)

My Dear Teutonic Stallion,

Thanks for your question and best of luck with your family.

My opinion on Intermittent Fasting, much like the details of Dr. Evils life, are quite inconsequential:

(Dr. Evil. He didn’t go to six years of Evil Medical School to be called Mister.)

But if you pushed me I would have to say that Intermittent Fasting is a load of crap. But not just any crap. It is a special type of crap, like the crap of the Dung Beetle who actually makes it’s crap by eating the crap of another animal.

That’s pretty bad.

(The Dung Beetle. Whenever things are bad and the deck is stacked up against you just remember it could get much worse. You could be eating poop for dinner.)

I’m sorry if that came across a bit harsh. Let me explain.

For those who don’t know Intermittent Fasting is a pattern of food consumption that alternates between periods of eating and not eating (i.e. fasting and not fasting). There are slight variations depending on whomever wants their pockets filled with your cash but the above definition basically covers the gist of it:

(When it comes to living for Profit, even the Ferengi have nothing on the Fitness Industry.)

It’s not that I have anything against Intermittent Fasting per se. I think all of the Diets proposed by the Fitness and Weight Loss Industry are one giant impotent joke when it comes to losing weight and keeping it off for the rest of your life:

(OK. So maybe after that last comment you could guess that down deep I really do have something against Intermittent Fasting. The reality is in the third grade a kid who intermittently fasted beat me at Pickle Ball. I will never forgive you Danny Ackerman.)

Of course Intermittent Fasting (or IR as those in the know would say) “Works”. Anything “Works” if you are actually paying attention to what you eat because paying attention to what you eat one of the simplest ways to practice calorie control. Calorie Control works, regardless of whatever fancy title you choose to put on it.

In that respect Intermittent Fasting is really no different from any of the fad diets that preceded it, all of which worked at some time for somebody. Let’s name a few:

The Hollywood Diet, The cabbage soup Diet, The Master Cleanse, The South Beach Diet, The Atkins Diet, The Hollywood Cookie Diet, The Apple Cider Vinegar Diet, The Zone Diet, The Grapefruit Diet, The Three Day Diet, The Chicken Soup Diet, The U.S. Ski Team Diet, The Best Life Diet, The Volumetrics Plan, The Egg Diet, The Warrior Diet, The Pritkin Diet, The Caveman Diet, The Blood Type Diet, The Acai Berry Diet, The French Diet, The Food Pyramid Diet, The Amen Diet, The Raw Food Diet, The Blood Sugar Diet, The Blue Zones Diet…

Take a deep breath and:

The Anti-inflammation diet, The Banana Diet, The Belly Fat Diet, The Belly Fat Cure, The Bernstein Diet, The Beverly Hills Diet, The New Beverly Hills Diet, Body For Life, The Body Trim Diet, Sugar Busters, The Cambridge Diet, Grand-pop Valente’s Soup and Doughnuts Diet, The Cinch Diet, The Choose to Lose Diet, The Curves Diet, Eat Your Way to Happiness, The Fruitarian Diet, The Gotti Diet etc. etc. (you could probably name at least one hundred more)

(The Gotti Diet. Named after the son of reputed Mobster John “The Teflon Don” Gotti. Who would have guessed that this is probably the most balanced and well thought out one of the bunch.)

The bottom line with any of these hot new “You can’t live without it” eating plans is unless you have a ripped body hewn from decades of following one (or several) of them you should’t expect much different from the next one that strolls down the block.

It is mainly because of that inconvenient historical fact that my suggestion is you flush Intermittent Fasting down the toilet with the rest of the Doodie that came down the commercial weight loss sewer pipe before it.

(Intermittent Fasting, for most people this is exactly where it belongs)

Try to remember that all Fad Diets have one giant underlying flaw: They tend to address the body metabolically (usually through a lot of impractical junk or “bro” science) and do very little if any serious work on the complex mental, emotional, cultural, societal and biological reasons why we choose the foods we eat.

Unless you are metaphorically brain dead you don’t need to be told for the millionth time that lean proteins, healthy fats, fruits and vegetables tend to be more supportive toward your goals of losing weight more so than the typical fare at McDonalds, Taco Bell, KFC and Burger King. Yet every day people who claim they want to lose weight consistently make the wrong choices.

All that Intermittent Fasting and the Fad Diets have to offer you is a distraction. They are simply one more diet which allows you to focus on it instead of having you pay attention to what the real issue is:

Your Behavior and why you make the choices that you do. No “diet” no matter how hot, is going to do that for you.

I hope that helps.

Till next time,

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies (just not as a diet)

Mike Cruickshank

(This is an apple. It is dense in nutrients and low in calories. If you are overweight odds are you don’t eat enough of them.)

(This is a Whopper . Or at least the one on the right is. It is low in nutrients and high in calories. If you are overweight odds are you eat too many of them. )

(Have you ever asked yourself why you chose to eat so many of the foods that move you away from your stated weight loss and health goals? When you can answer that question you will know everything you need to know about losing weight.)

Buffalo Wings, The Toilet and Diet Adherence

2012-06-24T06:33:00.001-07:00

I’m growing old. Thirty Seven next month to be exact:

(That’s me.)

With age comes the loss of a lot of things. Like my hair and the ability to lift really heavy weights without crippling myself the next day. But the thing I miss most is my digestion:

(“Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive”. In this case I was trying to pull one over on my Duodenum. It would have none of that.)

So as of 6:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning I am keeping with the Holy Sabbath (which never made any sense to me since this is Sunday but so I digress) by giving just thanks and praise to God. In this case I am thanking him for creating double ply toilet paper and Norman Abramson:

(This is Norman Abramson, father of the modern day Wireless Router. You would think such a smart guy would have more books. Like have you ever noticed that whenever some bag of douche wants to convince you of how smart they are the decision is made to post on Facebook pictures of all the books they own? Really annoying stuff…)

(Here are all the books I own. But not really.)

Now through all this religious revelation I have come to one very important conclusion. I am very grateful for being allowed to “Grow Old”.

Not because life is a gift which we often times take for granted. No, I am grateful for being able to grow old because I can no longer eat Buffalo Wings more than once every few months.

Not to ramble or get off topic (like I usually do) the bottom line is I used to look at eating like it was some giant moralistic game of THE RIGHT FOODS vs. THE WRONG FOODS.

Now I just look at it as “If I eat that it will put me on the toilet for two days.”

(Damn you cheese fries!)

The cool thing is that with this new attitude comes a new found freedom.

When it comes to choosing the foods I eat ninety five percent of the time my decisions are now based on something more than morality and will power. Which is good because if all I got to keep my gut in check is a bunch of nutritional Bible Thumping than this modern world of brilliant billion dollar food marketing, taste science and calorie abundance will wind up eating me for breakfast.

(Let the reality set in people. That isn’t food. It’s marketing and chemistry that is so powerful they could put a piece of cat poop between those buns and most people would probably still eat it.)

I can say whole heartedly that I choose a diet of lean proteins, fruits, vegetables, healthy fats and portioned controlled carbohydrates not because it is something I feel I HAVE TO DO, I do it because it is something I WANT TO DO. The consequences for me go way beyond guilt because amongst other things (like spending all day in the bathroom) I simply do not think, function or feel the way that allows me to live the life I want to lead.

Definitely something to think about the next time you think that being lean in a not so lean world comes down to an ethics game.

(Sinner!)

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies (Just not every night)

Mike Cruickshank

(Me too. Like how much I am looking forward to having my oatmeal this morning.)

Hey Shank! What do you think of Miller 64?

2012-06-19T18:39:00.001-07:00

(Beer, making boring people more interesting since 5,000 B.C.)

Hey Shank,

What about Miller 64? Will it help me drop some pounds?

I am so fat that all my pants have elastic waistbands.

Signed,

Norm

(Does anybody else out there remember when he used to advertise Meister Brau? Meister Brau, It only tastes expensive.)

Good Afternoon Mr. Peterson,

I wish I could give you the answer you want. I know people really like to hear that their sins are good for them.

But people drink beer to get drunk, not to lose weight.

So to answer your question, no, Miller 64 will not help you lose weight.

Hope that helps.

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies (Usually after I have had a few Bud Lights)

Mike Cruickshank

(The only way to lose weight permanently is to exercise regularly and eat a diet consisting mainly of nutrient dense foods like fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, healthy fats and portion controlled carbohydrates…blah, blah, blah. I know that isn’t what anybody wants to hear but it’s still true.)

(Oh Yeah, one more thing. No matter how much Miller 64 you drink, I can guarantee that this girl will still never talk to you. I know that is something none of you guys want to hear, but it too is still true.)

90 Days to Hardbody Glory! (Part 1)

2012-06-11T11:49:00.001-07:00

(This guy, he’s full of crap. Or maybe he was full of crap and that is why in the before photo he was sticking his gut out so far.)

Hey Shank!

Is it really possible to build the body of my dreams in only 90 Days? Pictures don’t lie.

Signed,

Sad Larry

Dear Sad Larry,

No, you cannot build the body of your dreams in only 90 Days.

And pictures do lie.

But more about that later.

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(This is the crew from Beach Body. If Abe Froman was the Sausage King of Chicago then these characters are the Sausage Kings and Queens of the 90 Day Transformation. My only question is do you think they bring their own smoke or does it just follow them around?)

(Don’t get snooty with this guy.)

Hey Shank! I Hate My Big Butt!

2012-06-07T19:13:00.002-07:00

(Sir Mix A lot. He doesn’t understand what your problem is.)

Hey Shank!

I hate my big butt! I cannot lie!

I hate my large child bearing hips too!

My Husband who is short, fat, and bald makes fun of me all the time and says I should lose weight so I can be beautiful, thin and sexy like Keira Knightley.

Do you have any suggestions about what I should do?

Signed,

Hey Sister, Go Sister, Soul Sister, Go Sister

(I wish I had hands on my feet like a monkey so I could give this picture 4 thumbs down.)

(Now this is more like it!)

Dear Lady Marmalade,

Something tells me you could have a butt the size of Celine “I need to hit the buffet or my heart will no longer go on” Dion, and your husband will still be giving you crap. My first suggestion is that you do something to let him know what the deal is. When I say “What the deal is” a good start would be to listen to endless loops of “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” by AC/DC until you get some choice ideas:

(I was always more of a Neck Ties, Contracts and High Voltage kind of guy. Then again Concrete Shoes, Cyanide and T.N.T. would work just as well. It really is all a matter of personal preference.)

But so I digress:

(I thought when people became rich and famous they were supposed to get fat. You know, like Vince Vaughn. Somebody would have to be smoking crack to think this looks good.)

Notwithstanding all these pictures of sickly thin women, you can tell your hubby that the reason you have a big butt is because you have a big butt:

(Granted I’m no Ron Burgundy but then again I also don’t tell people, especially women, to have unrealistic expectations from their exercise and diet program.)

People, especially women, have different body types. Trying to change your body structure, let alone comparing yours to somebody with an entirely different body build is counter productive, stupid and destructive to say the least. Granted there will always be some low life out there in the fitness industry who will tell you that it is possible, that still doesn’t make it true.

Telling you to lose weight so you can look like Keira Knightley would be like you telling that human tree stump of a husband that he needs to go out and bounce a basketball all day so that he can be tall, powerful and muscular like Lebron James. The genetics, let alone the feasibility of the process, just don’t add up:

(This is Lebron James before everybody outside of Miami didn’t hate him.)

Personally I don’t understand why any man would be turned on by the idea of making a woman look like a twelve year old boy. But then again maybe we should be considering the source:

(Hello Ladies. This Robo Cop meets Max Headroom meets Jacobim Mugatu look alike is one of the primary designers behind the clothes that you feel the need to starve yourselves in order to fit into. Nice choice for a life coach.)

The moral lesson here for you, your insignificant other and most importantly that duck faced orange billed platypus above is that you shouldn’t screw with mother nature. When you do so there are serious consequences.

Take for instance the time I used this special shampoo that was designed to fill in my bald spot:

(Please God never let it come to this. If it does then please strike me down. Or just shave my head. Either fate is better than that.)

Let’s just say that things didn’t work out too well.

After a couple months my bald spot was still there (mocking me as it often does) and instead of flowing locks of loveliness I was left with a tremendous increase in nose and ear hair:

(Nice.)

Now I don’t remember becoming an Octogenarian overnight. My best guess was that the soap did work but instead of impregnating my head it ran down my face and did it’s magic in all the wrong places.

The bottom line my dearest Moulin Rouge is if there is concern about the shape of your body you really only have three options:

1. Find yourself a qualified trainer and get yourself in really good physical condition relative to your age, genetics and current fitness level.

2. Find yourself a qualified nutritionist or diet coach and get yourself on a healthy eating plan full of nutrient dense, whole foods.

3. After you have done all that then take the advice of the legendary Doris Day. To paraphrase a song she once sang; “Que Sera, Sera, Whatever booty will be, will be”.

(Doris Day loves dogs, I love Doris Day. It’s that simple.)

Ultimately your body is just that, Your Body. You can’t change it so you had better learn to love it and make the most of the gifts that you have been given. It’s either that or you can just starve and make yourself miserable in order to satisfy a couple of guys who don’t deserve you to begin with.

Hope that helps.

Till next time,

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(Until you accept yourself for who you truly are you will never stand on firm enough ground to make a real difference in your life. That starts with not trying to be somebody else.)

Hey Shank! What do you think of Insanity?

2012-06-01T11:38:00.001-07:00

Hey Shank! What do you think of insanity?

Signed,

Desperate, Sad and Badly in Need of a Shower

Hey Sad and Stinky! Great to hear from you!

When it comes to Insanity lets say I guess that “Hip Hop Abs” just wasn’t good enough:

(Yep, that’s Shaun T., the same guy from Insanity. One thing is for sure, these guys really seem to love DVD’s.)

My simple answer to your question is this:

One of the definitions of Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

So unless you have an incredible body built from a basement full of this stuff:

Then I would tell you to forget about doing the same thing all over again.

Till next time,

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(Every one of those toys above had celebrity endorsements, fantastic before and after photos, money back clauses and guaranteed results. The sad thing is each and every single one comes down to what you see above. Always understand that the profit margin for legitimate fitness and well built equipment is simply not high enough to justify making an infomercial about it.)

Memorial Day, Hot Dog Buns and Being Unlikable

2012-05-28T11:00:00.001-07:00

Hey Shank,

I know you talked about this subject last year but could you please help me out. This weekend my family is having it’s annual Memorial Day Picnic and I have to deal with my Brother in Law “a.k.a Super Personal Trainer” Phil. He is basically an unlovable version of George Constanza:

(Just remember when you go swimming this weekend…it probably wasn’t that big to begin with anyway.)

When this pudgy bastard (kind of funny considering he is a trainer) isn’t going Paleo and telling me to ditch the bun, he is going Vegetarian and telling me to ditch the hot dog. What gives? Guys like this make Fitness so confusing.

Signed,

Al “Lighter” Fluid (Authors note: I hope there is a Mets or Yankees fan out there that gets this.)

Dear Al,

Let me be brief with this one, given that it is really freaking hot outside today.

I don’t know this Putz you call a Brother in Law but I can tell you this. If I was to write a book “How to NOT win friends and Influence People” I would title Chapter 1 “On Memorial Day, Give People Crap about this”:

(I see Blue and he looks Glorious…but seriously, that is one plate of AWESOME right there!)

And I would title Chapter 2 “When They Should be Remembering This”:

(Does this picture disturb you? If it does then good because that means you have a soul.)

In all seriousness Big Al, if they ever change the law which made it illegal to punch somebody in the face the first people that should be beaten down are those who tell you to skip the bun or pimp Vegetarianism at a Memorial Day Picnic:

(I can hear the quote now “Well, if you took the time to study human biology like I have you would know that low carb diets have obvious advantages in that…POW!)

In closing your Brother in Law is a douche. Whether you eat the Bun or Eat the Dog today is irrelevant. It’s what you do the other 350 Days of the year that are not a holiday which really matter. And when it comes to Phil tell him to mind his own business. Or better yet tell him to take his opinionated ass over to the Wounded Warrior Website and make a donation:

Till next time,

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies (and Hot Dog Buns)

Mike Cruickshank

(If she could have him back today, do you think she would be wasting time talking about how “Meat is Murder” or “Carbs are the Enemy”. The answer is no. She would be cherishing the finite time we have with those we love on this Earth. That’s what days like today are all about.)

Protein Shakes, Building Muscle and Breast Milk

2012-05-16T11:01:00.001-07:00

(A special thanks goes out to Time Magazine for inspiring some of the content of this post due to the probability that it’s editors must now be smoking crack or something. On a personal note I feel no shame putting this picture up given the fact that this kids life is already ruined by his self absorbed mothers need to let everybody know how hot she is.)

“If your Calvin Kleins are becoming Calvin Lines you might want to think about not drinking powdered, poison protein powders anymore”

So saideth Paul Chek, a noted International Lecturer/Strength Coach/Holistic Health Care Practitioner/Guy who likes to stack rocks and walk around with his shirt off while looking at the awkward stares of people after he tells them his age and they are amazed that not every man over the age of 50 has to have a pair of man boobs/master of alliteration.

(This is Paul Chek and his collection of amazingly large rocks. Surprisingly he does not have an amazingly large collection of broken toes to go along with it. I always wondered why his incredibly organic diet never permitted him to grow massive amounts of hair. Then again I don’t think we will ever get an answer from him on that one. Still, the guy looks good.)

As always I like to start some of these wackier blog posts off with a good Picard Face Palm. I feel it is appropriate to set the right mood.

(Even the Captain of the Starship Enterprise will be overwhelmed by the amount of stupidity that is about to follow)

Hey Shank!

It’s me again! The 100 pound weakling! You remember don’t you?

In my quest to gain weight, meat girls (Authors note: That was not my misspelling it was his, I kid you not), and earn self respect I ran across this guy who calls himself “The Virgin”. He sells this amazing product called “Super Mammary Milk 3000″.

He swears it will help me accomplish all my hopes and dreams!

(A very famous person once said “There is a sucker born every minute”. Hence the lollipop reference. On a side note the people at Shutter Stock have recently replaced the people at “The Shake Weight” for the most overtly sexual product placement/visual graphic of all time.)

“The Virgin” told me that it is the superior ratio of Whey Protein to Egg and Casein along with Probiotics, Digestive Enzymes, Creatine, Vitamins, Minerals, Glandulars, Colustrum and Growth Factors that make this product so powerful! He said all the Top Pro Bodybuilders including 10 time Mr. Universe Tommy “I hope girls don’t find out how small my penis is” McGirt, drink this stuff to put on size!

What do you think of that Tough Guy!

Signed,

The 105 pound Weakling (105 pound weakling note: I actually felt myself gain five pounds of muscle just sitting here thinking about how awesome Super Mammary Milk 3000 is.)

Dear Buck O’Five,

Glad to hear from you again. First off, don’t ever again try to steal my colored thoughts. There’s a reason whymine are in blue and yours are in hot pink. Now to answer your question there are only three things you need to concern yourself with when it comes to buying a protein powder:

1. Do you like the taste

2. Does the product mix well

3. What is the product’s FARTABILITY FACTOR (Authors note: I invented the concept of the “Fartability Factor” so if any of you dirtbags out there try to steal it you had better give my stocky ass credit for it. Thanks.)

(Fartability…It’s science. On a side note I am sure Mom and Dad are really proud they are dropping $20,000 per semester on such a fine education.)

When it comes to number one the answer is pretty simple. Do you like the taste of the product or not. If you don’t like the taste, nothing short of being Job will allow you to continue drinking it:

(This is Job. He is a person and not something people are always looking for in a Country Music Song. Widely known as the “Rodney Dangerfield” of Religion, he is a prophet in the Muslim Faith and has his own Book in the Jewish Faith. As the story goes one day God was bragging about how awesome Job was which lead Satan, being his usual douche bag self, to question Job’s true loyalty to God. What then ensued was one giant cosmic pissing match where a bunch of terrible stuff happened to Job . Now that I think of it, the plot line was not much unlike that of Trading Places with Eddie Murphy and Dan Akroyd. It’s one of those stories I learned about growing up in CCD that really pissed me off then and still does now.)

When it comes to mixability that is pretty simple too. A high quality product mixes pretty easily and should not require a gas powered blender to work properly:

(That is friggin awesome! The white trash side of me wants one of those so bad!)

Now when it comes to number three, the whole Fartability thing, that’s when the proverbial “Undergarments of the Issue” start to get a little murky. Not to try and one up a legend that walks (i.e. Paul Check) but here is my quote when it comes to the “digestability” of certain Protein Powders:

“If you are leaving Stains in your Hanes then it might be time to move on with your life. Either that or you should switch to eating chicken.”

So saideth Mike Cruickshank whose wearing of Hanes denotes the fact that he lives a much lower tax bracket than Paul Chek.

(Even Pauly D can’t tolerate a pair of dirty underwear hence why he walks around on camera with a pair attached to end of a stick. Nobody ever said he made the smartest of choices in life.)

It turns out that some of the cheaper products out there tend to be made of less quality ingredients and/or are not processed very well thereby when they hit your digestive tract bad things start to happen. Hence some of the underwear issues that the Moms, Wives and Girlfriends of these “Monsters of Muscle” tend to complain about as they sift through the laundry:

(Dirty underwear is Joe Weider Principle #2. It sits right between Principle #1 which is respiration and Principle #3 which is split routines. God I love Bodybuilding!)

Now while the only way to figure out how your body agrees with a given Protein Powder is to drink it there are some things you can look for on the label that might save you some unwanted trial and error.

What you are looking for when it comes to quality are primarily “Isolates” which represent a higher level of purification. Less purification = more trips to the underwear aisle at Walmart. You also want to look for Hydrosylates which are protein isolates that are processed further into more basic “parts”. This allows the protein to be absorbed faster which has some definite benefits not limited to less skid marking. When you see the word “Concentrates” that is not necessarily a terrible thing, it just means the purification is not as high.

While knowing any of this will not guarantee so save your tighty whitey budget it is a good place to start.

As far as all that other crap is concerned with the growth factors etc. etc. etc. just know that it is really just that. A bunch of crappy marketing nonsense designed to sell you a product:

(The scary thing is, their marketing is that good.)

(Seriously, it is.)

The only thing that protein powders are good for, at least when it comes to 99.999 % of the population, is as a decent substitute as a source of protein when you either cannot get to, cannot easily digest or you are just plain sick of eating regular food. This can be quite understandable in Buck O’Five’s case since the average young guy needs to eat the equivalent of his bodyweight in grams of protein every single day, along with a rigorous weight training program, for anywhere from two to ten years non stop in order to build a quality physique. I guess you can see how the sole consumption of dead animals, day in and day out for years on end, could eventually get a little tiresome in that regard.

Last but not least I want to address the whole “Celebrity Bodybuilder” angle:

(This is Jay Cutler. He is a multiple time Mr. Olympia and a hell of a nice guy. According to the powers that be he drinks a lot of this stuff…)

(Which is supposedly largely responsible for why he is a big as he is. Too bad they can’t explain for…)

(His incredible Genetics. His incredible, almost psychotic work ethic in the gym for the last 25 plus years or those pesky vials of whatever the hell that is which reside in the butter drawer of his fridge.)

Enough said.

Hope that helps.

Till next time,

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies (That’s right! The stomach virus is gone baby!)

Mike Cruickshank

(At least in the movies the Big Cheeses get their just due for choosing to entertain themselves by screwing with peoples lives.)

It's Been a While

2012-05-14T18:49:00.001-07:00

Hey Shank,

What the hell is up with you? It has been weeks since your last blog post!

Signed,

Holden Caulfield

(Stupid hat Holden. Really stupid hat.)

Dear Holden,

Thanks for your concern. I must admit that I always thought you were a really tall bag of self absorbed douche, but your concern for my writing career makes me think otherwise.

I appreciate it.

The reality is that something happened in my professional life that really got me down. Just like your creator, good old J.D. Salinger, I didn’t respond very well to the situation. Then again at least I didn’t move away to New Hampshire:

(New Hampshire. It really is a nice place to live. They even have a beach. It’s true. Check a map.)

I think the issue was I was unable to admit to myself how much the whole situation really bothered Me. Hence this Zombie like period of non creativity:

(I realize this movie was pretty terrible but the part where he delivers a pommel horse beat down to an entire village of zombie peasants is the definition of epic!)

The thing is, I have to learn to become more resilient and not let stuff get me down, or at least not let it get me down for so long. I mean for Christ Sake, there are people out there fighting for their lives, busy giving the middle finger to Cancer and I am sitting here in front of my keyboard complaining about having nothing to say:

(A lot of us out there need to work on this.)

One of the many problems with allowing your self to stay down is that you can sometimes miss out on celebrating with others some of the good things that are going on in life.

For example, while I was away our Buddy Bro-Ski (you remember the not so little guy who needed rawhides), well he got his 75lbs Pit Bull Butt ADOPTED!

(Don’t get me wrong, I am always over joyed when one of the dogs finds their forever home. I guess, like Red from Shawshank, I just miss my friend.)

And get this, my personal Physician Dr. Jerry Novack (who really isn’t a Physician, I just call him that) became an actual Doctor when he successfully defended his dissertation the end of this April!

(I realize that is Doctor Detroit and not Dr. Jerry Novack but since I didn’t know how cool Dr. Jerry was with me putting his picture up here this will have to suffice. Hell, it’s close enough.)

And on a sad note, we lost a great one with the passing away of Adam Yauch (a.k.a. MC Adam Yauch a.k.a. Nathaniel Hornblower) who lost his fight with Salivary Gland Cancer:

(Dear God, I believe in you and all but the fact you took Cochese but left us with Justin Bieber really makes me question whether or not you know what the hell you are doing up there. On the upside, a bunch of young kids, at least for a couple of weeks, got a chance to ask from the baby seat “Hey Mom/Dad, what the heck is it that you are singing up there? No sleep until where?”. The truth is this younger generation has no idea what it was like back when you had to actually fight for your right to party.)

So I now promise to all of you out there that I will do a better job. I will do a better job at not letting the chunks of corn in the shit sandwich we call life get stuck in my metaphorical teeth. Because you know when that happens I am essentially held down from helping you better digest the insanity we call the modern fitness industry.

(Pucker up boys and girls and grab your glass of milk because eventually we all have to take a big bite. The key is to just swallow it down as fast as you can so that you move on with your life.)

Till next time (which means very soon),

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies (actually it has been saltines and ginger ale since I am currently getting over a stomach virus),

Mike Cruickshank

(Coming up next I take on the wacky wild world of Protein Shakes! Sadly enough, this one kind of looks a lot like the turd sandwich above. Doesn’t it?)

Hey Sarah...You Could Learn Something From Our People

2012-04-21T17:33:00.001-07:00

(Listen lady, I respect what you are trying to do but do you really need to ruin my entire day in the process?)

(What a difference a couple days, several gallons of bleach, a couple hundred pounds of detergent and a boat load of rawhides make!)

Hey Everybody!

We wanted to give you an update as to how well things are going! Check it out:

(The shelves may not be full yet…but they are getting there!)

(Same thing here!)

We want to thank everybody for the overwhelming support you have given! In fact, Bro-ski was so happy he couldn’t take it anymore:

(Being happy is tiring work.)

What is awesome is this got done without commercials, celebrity endorsements or making anybody feel terrible.

Thank you again and again and again!

Sincerely,

Mike Cruickshank and everybody at S.A.V.E.

(This is Bro-Ski with his friend Simple Jack.)

(With his belly now full of Peanut Butter Rawhides, provided by you, Simple Jack is happy too!)

Huge Thank You From S.A.V.E.!

2012-04-20T09:39:00.001-07:00

(Yeah for us!)

Hey Everybody!

We wanted to give a huge thank you to everybody for helping out with the Animal Shelter. So far we have raised several hundred dollars in cash as well as individual donations of bleach and laundry detergent!

I was able to make the first delivery today:

(That’s Right!)

Anybody else looking to help out can either contact me directly at shankdog3000@yahoo.com

(Sometimes Personal Trainers can be more than just a bunch of Meatheads.)

Or just go to the shelter directly at:

900 Herrontown Road

Princeton N.J. 08540

(609)921-6122

Thanks,

Mike

(This is Meatball a.k.a “The Black Hammer”. He is a resident of S.A.V.E. He was very happy to help bring in the latest shipment of goodies.)

(Bro-Ski was unavailable at the time since he was out on a walk. That is a good thing since he doesn’t like Meatball very much ever since Meatball tried to move in on his #1 Girl, Mandy.)

(This is Mandy. You would never guess that an animal shelter would have such high drama but Mandy is the object of affection for all the boys. She is really hot stuff. To dogs she is like Jennifer Aniston, only with more nipples.)

(We heard this guy has something for Mandy too.)

S.A.V.E. Animal Shelter Needs Your Help

2012-04-19T10:16:00.001-07:00

(This place is better for you than Prozac. Granted I am not a Medical Doctor (or Tom Cruise) so I don’t know if I should be saying that publicly but now it is too late so whatever.)

Hey Gang,

This is my buddy Bro-Ski.

(Bro-Ski is one good looking Son of an actual Bitch.)

He is very sad. Turns out the animal shelter he is living at is running low on laundry detergent (to clean his blankets), bleach (to clean up his doo doo) and rawhides (Bro-Ski likes to chew these so he doesn’t have to think about how lonely he is without a family).

If you can donate any of these items I would ask you either drop them directly off at the shelter or you can contact me at shankdog3000@yahoo.com

Thanks

Mike

(This is Greta. She is a former S.A.V.E. resident who was rescued by a great family some time ago. She wanted to let you know that having plenty of blankets and rawhides were essential to helping her make it through those long, dark times before she found her forever home.)

Shelter Address:
S.A.V.E. Animal Shelter

900 Herrontown Road

Princeton, N.J. 08540

(609)921-6122

Learning from a Pervert

2012-04-17T10:58:00.001-07:00

Hey Gang,

So I have this friend, let’s just call him James.

James is a pervert.

Which is fine mind you. Granted he likes to spend way too much of his free time in Women’s shoe stores:

(That one’s for you James!)

But at least he is up front and open about who he really is. It’s not like he goes around pointing the finger at others and judging their moral values while the same time living a life of degradation and deceit on the side:

(Sinner.)

Anyway, keeping with Shank Principle #7 which says you can learn something from anybody, Mr. Pervert played the part of teacher today. In what should have been just another one of his testosterone charged emails, we have been provided with a picture that is of incredible value for anybody interested in improving their physical function in daily life:

(To all you parents out there you can stop holding your breath. ”James” is not an actual school teacher. He actually works as a supervisor in a factory that makes paint buckets. Which is just about right for him…and the safety of the public in general.)

What I want you to do is take just a second and really look at the picture above. Now once all the straight Men and Lesbians stop drooling and all the Straight Women stop thinking about how much they hate this girl I want you to notice the incredible development she has in her Gluteal Muscles, especially relative to her leg size.

(Gratuitous photo in an effort to balance out the eye candy. Why he has patches on his butt cheeks I have no idea.)

What I would like you to take from this is that everyday we have people come into the gym who are disatisfied about their ability to do a wide variety of physical tasks ranging from:

1. Being unable to get up and down stairs or up and down out of chairs.

2. Being unable to move with great quickness and power during a variety of sporting activities like Softball, Tennis, Basketball etc.

3. Being unable to move around all day without back pain.

4. Being unable to fill out a pair of jeans (at least in the right way)

(While I think the motivational message attached is a bit extreme when it comes to your consumption of Oreos, you really can’t beat the visual.)

The one most common denominator when it comes to almost all of these issues (granted it is not exclusively to blame) is that all these people have a butt that looks something like this:

(Pan Butt is not a victimless crime. It has been ruining Marriages, Self Esteem and Tennis Games for many years now.)

Over the next few blog posts I will start addressing some of the ways that regular people can improve their glute function.

I won’t be able to get to it till probably later on in the week since hopefully I will be busy watching this guy cry like a baby on Wednesday night:

(With all due respect Sidney Crosby is the most skilled player in hockey today. But the way he is acting is ridiculous and deserves all the criticism he is getting right now. Cheap shots and slapping away guys gloves are beneath him and his place in hockey history.)

(I’m on a roll)

(No point in stopping now.)

(One more time!)

Till next time,

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(Sidney Crosby…such an instigator.)

Panda Bears, Little Kids and Breakfast

2012-04-15T20:11:00.002-07:00

(Authors Note: I did not actually have a conversation with a Panda Bear. The fact is there are only so many times you can tell people that the key to losing weight is to eat more fruits, vegetables and lean proteins while eating less doughnuts. Eventually it becomes boring for both the author and the reader. Hence this steaming pile of you know what.)

Dr. Mr. Shank,

My name is Claire, Claire Panda. I am writing this with no thumbs so please BEAR with me:

(Thank you, thank you. I will be here all week. Please remember to tip your waitress.)

I have this problem with my son. His name is Schlomo. While I tend to struggle a bit myself with eating only a diet of shoots, leaves and a wide variety of insects my poor little Schlomo is really having a tough time. He only seems to want to eat Lucky Charms:

(As the box gets more retro and therefore more racist, this blog post is going to keep getting weirder and weirder.)

In fact I would say a great deal of Schlomo Panda’s day consists of eating and then pooping Lucky Charms. I am really concerned because he is sleeping in school and falling behind in his calligraphy lessons.

Can you please help? I need to know what I should be feeding my kids, especially for breakfast.

(At this point in the blog you might be wondering “Does this guy do a lot of drugs?”. The scary thing is the answer is “No”.)

Hello Claire!

Long time no see. Glad to hear from you again. I would love to tell you what to feed your child but here’s the thing. I wear shorts for a living. I am a personal trainer.

(Is it me or are there a lot of right angles in this picture? Either way, when it comes to your kids we trainers are probably the last people on earth you should be taking advice from.)

When it comes to the growth and development of your child you need to refer to the real experts in the field. Namely a Pediatrician that you trust and/or a nutritionist/dietician who specializes in working with kids.

With that being said, while I would never give you specific recommendations regarding your little one’s nutrition, I can say there are some common themes which come up over and over again when it comes to following a healthy lifestyle versus just being on “another diet”. I am sure these “observations” would be very valuable for anybody, especially kids because they are at such an important point in establishing a healthy relationship with what they eat.

Now without further ado here are the three common themes :

1. Food is not a moral choice:

I know some of the more “Diet as a Religion” types will roast me over this one but food is not a moral choice.

(Just for the record Hitler was not always a vegetarian. He only took on a largely vegetarian diet later in life in an effort to deal with the gastric problems that naturally come along with being the biggest douchebag in the history of the planet. Still, the poster is pretty funny and any time you get a chance to dump on Hitler you mights as well take advantage of it.)

When I have a client come in and tell me “They were so bad this weekend” my first question is “Did you rob a bank or kill a kitten or something?’. That often shuts them up because it puts in perspective just how ridiculous they are being.

So what if you ate a bunch of cake or a bag full of cookies or six slices of pizza and a dozen buffalo wings. You need to move on with your life! It’s not like you killed somebody. You certainly won’t be killing yourself unless you do that everyday for years on end.

The second you start attaching moral obligations and labels of guilt upon the foods you eat is the second you start stirring up something that really shouldn’t be that dramatic. Now all of a sudden something that should be a once in a while indulgence and celebration winds up getting put up high on a pedestal of yearning and desire. Forbidden, at least when it comes to human beings anyway, almost always equals “I have to have that now and I have to have more of it then I ever wanted.”.

2. Healthy eating really isn’t that complicated:

A meal consists of two things, a protein and a carbohydrate. Throw in some healthy fat and a vegetable or two and you have what is in a nutshell (which could be your fat source by the way) the foundation for a healthy diet for the rest of your life.

(This is a meal. Please don’t go out of your way to make life any more difficult than it already is.)

Where most people screw this up is they muddy the nutritional waters by running through their heads options and information which really aren’t the limiting factor for where they are at when it comes to losing weight and being healthy. For example, I think organic food is fantastic, it’s just I haven’t met many people where that is the limiting factor in them losing weight. For example, I have never seen this:

Dear Shank,

I cannot seem to lose weight. I am a male and I weigh 200lbs. I have been eating like this for 3 months but I can’t seem to drop fat or stop getting frequent colds. Here is my diet:

Supplements are; a multivitamin

Meal 1:

3 conventionally farmed eggs scrambled in a little olive oil

1 bowl of oatmeal sweetened with regular honey

Meal 2:

1 can of albacore tuna, 1 conventionally farmed apple, 1 conventionally farmed orange and a handful of conventionally farmed grapes

Meal 3:

200 grams grilled Perdue chicken, 200 grams white rice, 1 cup conventionally farmed broccolli, 1 tsp of olive oil, 1 tsp of fish oil

Meal 4:

200 grams of farm raised salmon, plain baked potato, 1 cup of conventionally farmed green beans

Meal 5:

250 grams corn fed lean steak, 3 cups of conventionally farmed salad greens (cukes, spinach, romaine, green peppers, carrots etc.), 2 tbsp low cal dressing and 200 grams white pasta with plain tomato sauce

Now this guy above, he might benefit from 1. some specialized supplementation. 2. switching over to organic fruits, vegetables and meats 3. switching to brown rice versus white 4. wild caught fish versus farm raised 5. specialized pre and post workout nutrition strategies 6. Carb cycling etc.

The problem is most peoples nutrition strategies and the questions I usually get tend to revolve around what I like to call these “secondary principles”. By not getting the basics right and instead focusing on the advanced stuff it’s like people are trying to raise the sails in a boat without a mast:

(Sailing might take Christopher Cross to where he always heard it could be, it always just made me sea sick.)

(Please note that is Christopher Cross and not these two cats a.k.a Kriss Kross.)

3. There will always be “Forces of evil in a bozo nightmare”:

As long as there is a lot of this to be made:

(Drug Cartel Money)

There will always be some evil corporation Bozo CEO willing to manufacture this nightmare to human nutrition:

(Excellent source of calcium my ass.)

When it comes to Madison Avenue, all parents are in a dietary battle for the hearts and minds of their children. The people who sell the aforementioned swill are always betting on peoples natural inclination towards convenience. Now if I ruled the world you can bet one of my first laws, besides mandating year round Reese’s Holiday Peanut Butter Cups, would be to ban advertising to children.

But I don’t rule the world so this is just something we will all just have to learn to deal with. The first step to dealing with it is to not buy that garbage in the first place.

In closing my dearest Claire Panda I hope that helps. Good luck with Schlomo and more importantly good luck with yourself. Remember that once you choose to look past all the Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan’s, Mia Hamm’s and Wayne Gretzky’s, our childrens real role models are mainly their parents and the other adults they interact with on a daily basis. They learn to live, react and adapt to the world largely by the example that we set and that includes having a healthy relationship with their bodies and what they eat.

Till next time,

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(I can’t tell you how many times I have seen someone like the parent on the right walk in with the kid on the left and say “What tape can I watch, what book can I buy or what can you do to stop my kid from eating so much junk food?”. The apple, or in this case the Candy Coated One, does not fall to far from the tree.)

Hey Shank! What about STEEL CUT Oatmeal?

2012-04-09T10:27:00.001-07:00

(Authors note: A special thank you goes out to Strength Coach Charles Poliquin for inspiring the content of this article.)

(It comes in a metal can so therefore it must be better.)

Hey Shank!

What do you think about STEEL CUT Oatmeal?

(Authors Note: The emphasis on STEEL CUT in caps was placed by the person who sent the email. I am not sure why but I have had several questions regarding this product and in most instances the person feels the need to capitalize those words. I can only assume that one of the side effects of eating this product is that you find yourself spontaneously yelling at people about it.)

I figured I would ask because I need a good breakfast to provide some extra energy so I can find that guy who stole my pot of gold.

Signed,

The Leprechaun

(I wish this guy would just stick to playing Ewoks)

Hey Leprechaun,

I dig the socks dude!

To answer your question I think steel cut oatmeal sucks.

But not really. I actually think steel cut oatmeal is fine. But just fine. I don’t think it is anything spectacular. It certainly will not change your life or anything.

Steel cut oatmeal is a carbohydrate source just like any other carbohydrate source. By it’s very nature it is no better than pasta, rice, potatoes or quinoa. The advantage is that compared to most regular kinds of oatmeal it tends to be less processed. If that is your thing and you either tolerate or actually enjoy the taste then more power to you for eating it.

I happen to find steel cut oats a pain in the ass to prepare and since the last thing I need in my life is another pain in the ass I “roll” with this guy:

(You had best recognize the original gangsta in the blue hat. )

Now I know there are people out there who will want to choke the life out of me for saying this but I really don’t care what type of oatmeal you eat. Since oatmeal does not equal doughnuts I figure that as long as you control the portion size you will be ok:

(This is so fat and disgusting it makes me want to vomit. Still, God forbid I got a hold of that box I would probably beat it like it owed me money. I really like doughnuts.)

As far as the whole extra energy thing so that you can eviscerate the guy who stole your gold I will have to tell you that I think you are headed in the wrong direction.

I have looked at thousands of diets over the years and the limiting factor when it comes to breakfast is almost never a lack of carbohydrates. Where an overwhelming majority of people tend to drop the ball is they don’t include enough protein so they wind up walking around like a carb infused zombie all day:

(For some reason I can’t see this guy being all too productive at the office.)

So what is the solution? For smaller people include an egg or two and for larger people you can go as high as many as three or four. If you don’t like whole eggs then you can do egg whites. I like to mix my egg whites with some low fat cheese as I feel the fat improves the taste and gives the meal a little more staying power.

Really any type of protein will do. I wouldn’t get my underwear in a “steel cut oatmeal” bind over the subject. I prefer around 180 to 200 grams of salmon, beef or two scoops of protein powder mixed with a little fish oil. I would have to imagine the reason why this works better for me is that my body tends to function better with a little more fat in my diet.

(I actually like butter but I think you get the point here. Not all fats are bad because not all fats are created equal.)

Smaller people (I weigh around 205lbs) would do better with a little less food and bigger people would tend to do better with a little more. You will be able to figure this out once you see how your body reacts to whatever it is you are eating.

If you are a vegetarian then I don’t know what the hell to tell you to do since I eat as much meat as my dogs do:

(Frankie and Lily are definitely not vegetarians though they do like vegetables.)

If you are a vegetarian you might be better off asking somebody who is one. Like this guy, former Mr. Universe Bill Pearl:

(Bill Pearl at the age of 56. He has been an Ovo-Lacto Vegetarian for some time now. You can reach him on his website www.billpearl.com)

In conclusion my little green friend, get yourself some more protein at breakfast and you will be on your way to getting back your booty in no time.

Yours in chocolate chip cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(I can say whatever I want about Steel Cut Oatmeal but it is still a better carbohydrate choice than this crap.)

At What Age Should My Kid Start Lifting Weights?

2012-04-05T11:03:00.001-07:00

(Authors Note: Some of the names have been changed to protect the not so innocent.)

(Just call me at 1-800-No More Bull Crap if you have a question. Sometimes Shank has to go Joe Friday style and lay down the law when it comes to bad exercise physiology.)

Mr. Cruickshank,

My Husband, a.k.a The Moron, wants our twelve year old son to start getting involved in a serious weight lifting program so in his words “He Can Dominate” at Pop Warner football. My question is how old does a child have to be to start lifting weights?

The creepy man down the street told the dope that shares my bed that “Young Stallions” can start working out as early as ten. What concerns me is that they guy was a little overly eager to get my boy to work out in his gym. To the best of my knowledge his only qualifications are that he is really big, he has a gym in his basement and he has a lot of tattoos.

The Strength Coach at our local “Under Armor Wearing/Youth Sports Pavillion/Training Complex/NFL Combine/Child Abuse” center said my son is old enough and that I shouldn’t wait another day to get him enrolled in his facility.

The “Master Trainer” at my Gold’s Gym said “About Fourteen”.

With all these different numbers I feel more like I am ready to make a lottery pick rather than having a safe and sane answer for my son.

Please Help.

Signed,

Concerned Housewife who now regrets she married the coolest kid in High School.

(I could try for the rest of my life to be as cool as this kid but it will never happen. The fact of the matter is nobody ever told you what happened to him after high school. After leading the football team to a state championship his senior year he was thrown out of college for, and I quote “Feeling the need to beat up all the Gays and Immigrants”. Last I heard he was addicted to smack and turning tricks for cash down at the docks.)

Dear Housewife who made a poor life choice,

First off let me say thank you for being a responsible parent to your son. A lot of people these days seem to have a real problem doing that:

(This is Jessica Watson. You may remember her as the fifteen year old girl who tried to sail around the world after her parents said it was O.K. because “She is no ordinary fifteen year old girl”.)

(Interestingly enough the Watson Family recently tried to adopt a young girl from China but their application was revoked after an agency official snapped this photo of the child with her new family hanging out at Euro Disney.)

(Authors note: Ok. So I admit I may have stretched the truth here a little. The whole kid sailing around the world part is accurate. The part about the adoption, Euro Disney and the kid smoking is not. It was meant for entertainment purposes only since the author is incapable of describing the level of stupidity necessary to allow a young teenager to attempt to sail around the world by themselves.)

Now to answer your question, none of those guys are correct. First off, the guy in the garage gym. If I were you I don’t think I would let my kid ride his bicycle down that side of the street anymore. I bet that in addition to the gym and the tattoos that dude also owns a Van filled with lots of free candy and a puppy:

(Ten year old boys and their creamy hamstrings do not belong in a weight room. No way, no how.)

As far as the strength coach is concerned my hunch is he either doesn’t know what he is talking about or he just doesn’t know your son that well. The worst part of me wants to say that since things like Astro Turf, Olympic Weight Sets, and Electrical Bills for a 30,000 square foot facility can get a little pricey, this coach might just be one of those guys who pushes kids into a strength program too early. Most of the time these less than reputable guys are just trying to make their overhead so they can afford to train their college and pro athletes:

(Yeah sure, that looks safe. ”But think about all the healthy habits these kids are developing at such a young age” you may say. Let me tell you something. You see that kid in the center of the picture, the one who is picking her nose and looks like she is about to eat it? Children who still eat their own boogers do not belong in a gym lifting weights. That is Shanks rule #1 of youth sports training.)

Now as far as the “Master Trainer” is concerned, let me tell you something about these “Master Trainers”. If given the chance most of them couldn’t figure out how to peel a banana in a room full of monkeys:

(Too bad the only person out there who will get the last reference is this guy, Super Trainer Willis Paine. He actually spends many an afternoon hunting so called Master Trainers for the common good. The dogs are there to sniff out the poor exercise selection and bad technique.)

In all seriousness I cannot figure out where that trainer came up with the idea “about Fourteen” since it makes no sense. ”Fourteen” is about as logical as Thorton Melons final answer to Professor Phillip Barbay in Back to School:

(Granted that Mr. Melon’s answer of “Four” was correct I still stand my ground and say he was guessing. But then again, when it comes to 1980′s comedy sub plots what the hell do I know.)

The correct answer to “At What Age Should My Kid Start Lifting Weights” is IT DEPENDS. Let me explain.

I went to middle school with this guy, lets call him “Ray”. When Ray was thirteen years old he was 5 foot 9, weighed 180lbs and he had a really cool Denim Jacket with a Metallica patch sewed on the back. He also had a full mustache. Now understand when I say full mustache I don’t mean one of those fourteen year old boy”I am going to let one facial hair grow really long and push it across my upper lip so it looks like a bunch of facial hairs” mustaches. I mean Ray had like a 1970′s porn star look going on:

(I went to middle school with that guy.)

The moral of the story is that when it comes to deciding when a kid is old enough to lift weights the main thing you need to be concerned about is this:

Chronological age is completely worthless. It is biological age that counts. This means that it doesn’t matter if one child is fourteen and the other is seventeen, kids mature physically at different rates. My buddy Ray was ready to lift weights when he was still watching “The Transformers” and “G.I. Joe” cartoons after school.

(This is Ray’s baby picture from the Woodbridge Sears Photo Department. Sears, where America Shops.)

As a responsible parent what you are looking for are the end of the onset of secondary sex characteristics like a permanant deepening of the voice, dramatic height and weight gains, the onset of facial and “other” hair and last but not least your son’s seeming desire, like an intact dog, to want to hump everything in sight (actually that may never go away). This often marks the stage when a kid is physiologically ready to reap the benefits and minimize the risks of heavy weight training because they have reached a the level of biological maturity (not just a number) necessary to safely participate.

Now while I understand that the answer I gave above will really piss off a lot of the “I always wear my Bike Shorts” High School Football Coaches and a whole gaggle of the “Steroids don’t make me strong, I make me strong” crowd:

(I can hear them now “I ain’t never seen no bottle of Test bench press no 500lbs.” To which my answer is “Yes Mongo, you are right. A bottle of Testosterone has never benched 500lbs. But you know what, without that bottle of test neither would have you.)

Get the fact that those meatheads don’t have to deal with the injuries and burnout your son will have to go through if he starts training too early.

The only person who is truly qualified to judge whether your kid has indeed past his primary growth spurt is this person…

(Too bad Dr. Silverman didn’t look like this when I was growing up.)

That would be your pediatrician. Your pediatrician might not know a Power Clean from a Power Lawn Mower but what they do know is child growth and development. He or she is the only one qualified to tell your child’s biological age. Your “Bruce Springsteen Glory Days Husband” and the other colorful cast of characters are not:

(I am sure we all know somebody in our lives this song reminds us of.)

I hope that helps.

Till next time,

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(I am always shocked that more people don’t remember this Episode of Different Strokes where Gordon Jump played the Bicycle Shop owning Pedophile. In all seriousness if you know of somebody who is abusing children please contact the national child abuse hotline at 1-800-4-A-Child (1-800-422-4453)

Hey Shank! Does Pasta Make You Fat?

2012-04-03T17:12:00.001-07:00

(To all you Young Punk Resident Evil and Call of Duty Players out there…Kneel down before the God Father of Modern Video Gaming!)

Hey Shank,

I need to know if pasta makes you fat! My Meathead Personal Trainer, King Koopa, told me that if I want to be lean and healthy I can never eat pasta again:

(Authors note: Never trust a personal trainer with horns on his shell. Actually you should never trust a personal trainer with a shell period.)

My problem is I want to lose some weight but I don’t know if I can take this anymore. First my Girlfriend Princess Peach got kidnapped for like the 100th time and now I am told I can’t even have a bowl of Ronzoni:

(Somebody ought to tell Mario what this little Tramp is up to.)

Shank, you need to set things straight. If I have to keep eating turtle soup, mushrooms and stars for the rest of my life I am going to go Postal and start stealing coins. Please help!

Signed,

Super Mario

(If he just went low carb, this all could have been avoided!)

Hey Super Mario,

Hope all is well in The Mushroom Kingdom. Remind me later to tell you something about that girlfriend of yours. Now to answer your question, no, eating pasta does not make you fat.

Now if you want to look like this guy, minus that stupid expression on his face:

(This one is for Alexandra. I heard she was having a rough day.)

Or this guy:

(This one is for my most loyal reader Robert.)

Or if you want to look like any guy who can iron his shirt without taking it off I would suggest you skip your daily trip to the Olive Garden Never Ending Bowl of Pasta Buffet.

However for us mere mortals and the mere mortal goals that we tend to have there is absolutely no need to cut pasta out of your diet unless you are under the direction of a physician to do so.

Pasta does not make people FAT. When it comes to Pasta what makes people FAT is that they either:

1. Eat too much relative to their daily caloric needs.

2. They put too much high calorie “stuff” like creamy sauces, cheese or fatty meats on their pasta which once again equates to being too many calories for their daily needs.

3. Pasta is a “Trigger Food’ for them.

(When I say “Trigger Food” I do not mean that it turns you into this guy. On a side note I think we just lost Robert and Alexandra.)

What “Trigger Food” means is there are some people when they start eating pasta they feel they cannot stop because too many happy hits start going off in their brain (think like a heroin addict). In this case, minus some serious Psychological Intervention, they should either avoid eating pasta altogether or save it for a very special occasion. When I say special occasion I mean like a Birthday or Religious Holiday. ”Thursday” does not count as a special occasion.

(OK you Cave man types. You got me on this one. If you eat this much pasta, obviously minus the flavor of human feet, you will become overweight.)

If you fit into either group one or two here are my suggestions (you group three people need to consult with somebody who doesn’t wear shorts for a living):

1. Go and buy yourself a freaking food scale!

(This is Marc, Kelly and George of Ace Housewares in Princeton, N.J. If you need a food scale and you live in the area go see them about picking one up. Tell them Shank sent you! If you don’t live in the area then I don’t know what the hell to tell you. I very rarely leave Princeton let alone my house.)

(This is my baby! The OXO Digital scale with infrared scanner, a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time. Ok. so there is no compass let alone a stock but this sucker works really well and has done so for a very long time.)

An average serving size of Pasta for a small person (150lbs or less) ranges from anywhere between 100 to 150 grams. For somebody larger it goes up to 150 to 200 grams and for those with high activity levels or someone trying to gain weight that number can go as high as 250 to 400 grams.

Regardless of what size you choose the only thing I can assure you is that whatever winds up in your bowl will really piss you off!

(That’s all the Pasta my chubby ass gets! Noooooooooo!)

That is because most people have no clue what a real portion size looks like. The bottom line unless it has been confirmed by medical testing you can pretty much say screw your Thyroid, screw your genetics and screw whatever the new flavor of the month “Sell my Bull Crap Book” might tell you, most people in this Country are overweight because they simply eat way too much and that is especially true of Starchy Carbohydrates like bread, rice, pasta and potatoes.

2. Unless it is a special occasion (there is that whole pesky moderation concept again) the only thing you should put on your Pasta (if you want to lose weight) is:

A. Air (or a variety of your favorite spices/sea salt)

B. Between 25 to 100 grams of a non Alfredo/non cream based sauce like a Marinara, Arrabbiata or Classic Red.

C.. A small portion of grated cheese (When I say small I mean like two tablespoons worth. It shouldn’t look like it’s raining lactose on your dish)

D. Use no sauce and instead just allow the marinade that is on whatever protein you are eating to flavor the dish

E. A TEASPOON of olive oil. Please note I said a teaspoon and not the dumb ass “Gobs of butter and olive oil like they do on the Food Network”:

(First off, I hate your show. And second, stop smiling at me. There is so much olive oil and butter in that thing you could put my Pasty White Half Scotch/Irish Butt in that bowl and it would taste good.)

In conclusion my Compadre Mario, to demonize one food, let alone a group of foods as the role reason for why people are overweight is just plain stupid and misguided. More often than not it’s not the food that is the problem. The problem is the person that is eating it.

I hope that helps.

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(Man, she really does get around.)

(What is she? A nymphomaniac or something?)

A Dirtbag Rangers Fan, A Dirtbag Flyers Fan and Charlie Weingroff

2012-03-30T17:22:00.001-07:00

(Authors Note: Just so everybody understands the players involved I have decided to start this blog post off with a little Photo Montage.)

(This is a dirtbag Rangers Fan. He is showing his disapproval of a Devil’s goal. I don’t like it when the Devils score either so I can understand where he is coming from, but that is irrelevant to our discussion here.)

(This is a Dirtbag Flyers Fan. I am not exactly sure if women can technically be Dirtbags but one thing I am sure of is that this chick really doesn’t like Sidney Crosby. Neither do I so I understand where she is coming from, but that is also irrelevant to our discussion here.)

(And last but not least this is a guy who talks out both sides of his ass. This is NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. He is pretty much irrelevant to any discussion particularly those involving the responsible management of illegal blows to the head. )

Hey Dirtbag Flyers Fan (a.k.a. my cousin Mike Cruickshank)

I have this problem with my shoulder. About a year ago I injured it playing a game in my recreational hockey league. No big deal because a couple weeks later the pain went away.

Problem is the other day I was sitting in my living room cheering like a lunatic while my Rangers were beating your Flyers for like the tenth time this year and I heard something in my shoulder “pop”. Now I can’t raise my arm over my head.

(Sorry. That is the Dirtbag Flyers Fan coming out of me. I apologize. Please continue.)

I was thinking of getting some exercise bands and an internet connection and trying to figure the problem out for myself.

You have any advice?

Signed

A Dirtbag Rangers Fan (a.k.a. your cousin Joe)

(As a Flyers Fan when I look at our dismal record against the Rangers this year I try to be positive and say “Hey, we’re due.”.

Dearest Joe,

Great to hear from you. Sorry to hear about the shoulder though. Here is my advice on your injury based on more than 15 years experience as a trainer:

You need to listen to Charlie Weingroff. That means you call up Ray Guy and punt the damn football:

(This is Ray Guy. He is the greatest punter in the history of the NFL. If you want to argue with me on that then fine, just understand that you are wrong. They invented the concept of hang time because of him. He never had a punt returned for a touchdown.)

(This is Charlie Weingroff. He is O.K. Actually he is more than O.K. He is a really good Physical Therapist and has squatted more than 800lbs. I admire him most for his love of Star Wars. Now the whole “Fan of the Green Lantern” thing I don’t get but when he talks shop I definitely listen.)

(I mean seriously Charlie, how could anybody root for a superhero who would lose to this guy in a fight?)

Odd “Superhero’s who are worthless against the color yellow” asides not withstanding the point to be made here is the worst thing you can do when it comes to sports/exercise related injuries is try to “fix” the issue yourself. A close second on the scale of dumb decisions when it comes to injuries is to take the advice of a professional who is not qualified to do so either (i.e. a personal trainer).

Think of this a lot like people who try to do their own electrical work. Often times instead of fixing the problem they usually wind up with two opposite outcomes:

1. They turn a $200 problem into a $2000 dollar problem.

2. They wind up electrocuting themselves.

(And here I thought that “Dancing with Myself” would only result hairy palms and blindness. But in all seriousness kids, listen to Billy Idol and don’t play with Electricity.)

When Charlie Weingroff says to “Punt the ball” what he means is you need to match the right professional with the right need. Personal trainers don’t do pain and they certainly don’t do injuries, regardless of what some of them might tell you. Likewise I don’t know too many Doctors who do sports and exercise very well either so Charlie’s point is very well taken:

(There is this very odd trend these days where all the Doctors want to be Trainers and all the Trainers want to be Doctors. The reality is neither one of them does the others job very well. Also, I wish somebody would tell this guy he is in a television studio and not an operating room. Seriously Dude, ditch the scrubs.)

And don’t get me started on the inaccuracies of the Internet for crying out loud.

(Talking about guys named Charlie, according to the Internet he should be the next President of the United States. Like I have said in the past, the Internet is not always a good source of information. The obvious exception being www.clearpathtofitness.com)

So my advice to you my favorite Dirtbag Rangers Fan is to ask around for a good Physical Therapist, Sports Medicine Doctor, Physiatrist or Soft Tissue Expert and get this problem fixed right the first time. If nobody in your immediate circle of friends, family or teammates can recommend anybody then come back to me and I will see what I can do. Just know that a good Medical Professional is worth their weight in gold. Usually the patients of good ones can’t shut up about how awesome they are so finding one shouldn’t be as big of a deal as it might seem.

But then again what the hell do I know.

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(Since we started this post with a Hockey Montage I figured we should end it with one too. This is top NHL Star Alexander Ovechkin of the Washington Capitals. He really likes cereal.)

(He also likes sitting awkwardly on the laps of other men.)

(And he bears an uncanny resemblance to Richard Kiel, the actor who played Jaws in the James Bond Movies.)

(Richard Kiel as you may remember also played Mr. Larson in Happy Gilmore. This blog has now gotten completely off topic and completely out of control so goodbye.)

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Steroids and Getting Huge Fast!

2012-03-22T12:11:00.001-07:00

(Authors Note: This blog was actually supposed to be about a shoulder injury a cousin of mine had suffered. I was going to title the entry “Shoulder Injuries: A conversation between a Dirtbag Rangers Fan and a Dirtbag Flyers Fan”. The problem is I got a piece of reader mail today which was so over the top it needed to be addressed right now. Sorry Joe, I will get back to you ASAP.)

(If there is one thing every Dirtbag Rangers Fan and Every Dirtbag Flyers Fan can agree on is that we are both glad we are not Devils Fans. I find this kind of ironic given the fact that since 1995 the New Jersey Devils have won three Stanley Cups. In that same time span the Flyers and Rangers have won a collective zero. There is just something so off putting about a team that is so successful with a living legend at Goalie not being able to consistently fill their building. Seriously Devils Fans, and I am talking to you Matt Aust, get your act together.)

Hey Pencil Neck! (Authors note: I assume this is me.)

I want to get Huuuuuuuge! (Authors note: I think this is how a really insecure person with a very small penis spells the word “Huge”.) I want to get ripped! I want to get freaky! I want to be so big and strong and scary that people walk down the opposite side of the street when they see me. I want to have to be brought to school in a cage! That is how frighteningly big I want to be!

Recently I got a hold of this program that promises to “Double my muscle gains, make my scrawny legs into WHEELS (Authors note: Wheels is small penis language for big legs) and make sure I never stop gaining size and strength..EVER! It promises I can do all this while still losing fat so chicks can see my abs and dig me while their boyfriends run away in fear.

(Those above are what are known as “Wheels”. They are almost as desirable as they are impressive. What do you think?)

Put that in your pipe and smoke it you Tough Guy! Bet you could never design a program that awesome!

Signed,

Melvin

Dear Melvin,

You got one thing right. I admit that it is entirely beyond my capability to design a program that awesome. I think even if I found a Genie in a Lamp I couldn’t make a wish grand enough to match that one:

(I have always thought of myself as a really good trainer but even I know my limitations.)

The funny thing is Melvin, I once felt the same as you. At one time in my life I wanted to be huge, granted I didn’t spell it the same way you do, but then again I always made up for my inadequacies with sarcasm so to each his own.

It all started for me in mid 1986 which was the first time I ever saw the Movie “Commando” starring Arnold Schwarzenegger:

(It is hard to believe that something so awesome…)

(…Could come out of something so strange. My families first VHS Recorder looked just like this and weighed about 100lbs.)

It was at that point in my ten year old life I knew I wanted to be BIG! I am not exactly sure what it was about that movie that had such an effect on me although I do know that Commando is like the Citizen Kane of meathead flicks.

Besides the fact that Arnold is just so plain awesome I guess I was drawn into the fact that during the film he was able to solve all of life’s problems by picking them up over his head and throwing them:

(Yes that is Arnold and yes that is a telephone booth he is picking up over his head and throwing across the Mall. You kids out there have to remember that this was during a time before cell phones. I guess the stupid machine should have just given him his quarter back.)

Take for instance the time a band of International Terrorist’s kidnapped Arnold’s daughter (played by the beautiful Alyssa Milano) and held her for ransom:

(Remarkably enough the mid 1980′s saw a massive rise in the sale of hand lotions and cremes. No one is exactly sure why that happened. However one thing is for damn sure; She still is the best damn thing that your eyes have ever seen.)

A lesser man would have folded under the pressure but not Arnold. No, instead he jumped out of 747 mid take off and then if that wasn’t enough he went back on his word and took the guy he promised to kill last and he killed him first:

(Poor David Patrick Kelly. Arnold claimed his biggest problem was gravity but in reality this man just couldn’t get a decent role. First he get’s stabbed by Michael Beck and then Bludgeoned to death by a gang of black guys with hockey sticks in “The Warriors. Then he get’s killed during stage IV sleep by Dennis Quaid in “Dream Scape”. And if that all wasn’t bad enough he gets dropped off the edge of a cliff in Commando. Guy just can’t catch a break.)

Melvin, as wonderful as this may all sound I have to tell you that eventually I became disenchanted with the idea of becoming huge. After reading my reasons I would ask you to consider doing so too. Now I can’t speak for you but in my case you could call it maturity or a refocus in life priorities but I believe my desire to no longer be massive came down to these three things:

1. I realized that I could do every steroid on Planet Earth and I still would never look like Arnold Schwarzenegger:

(To claim steroids were the sole reason for Arnold’s, Barry Bonds or any other accomplished athlete’s success is a myopic statement at best. Still they would have never accomplished all they did without them. On the flip side anybody who tries to tell you that you can get huge and ripped at the same time let alone in a hurry without using drugs is straight out lying.)

2. Being huge and ripped, I mean really huge and ripped like a pro bodybuilder, requires some pretty incredible genetics regardless of how hard you work or how many drugs you take:

(This is a photo of a young Arnold pre-Steroids. That is a pretty incredible physique for such a young man. He has a better body here than most people who work out their entire lives. Hard work yes but biology certainly does contribute a lot.)

(This is a photo of a young Arnold right after winning his sixth Mr. Olympia title. He is seen here smoking pot, drinking beer and eating fried chicken. I am not sure what this has to do with anything, I just find it funny.)

3. Last but not least I also realized I simply do not have a single minded drive that is strong enough to do whatever it takes to accomplish a goal, regardless of the consequences or who get’s hurt along the way. I am a pretty driven guy admittedly but there is a point in the road you come to where you have to say “enough”.

This one was tough for me to admit at first because I saw this attitude as some kind of moral deficiency. But the reality is that if you want to live a balanced life something has got to give. While out of all the things I listed here this is the one you have the most control over I have to tell you that since I made my decision to turn my back on “being the best” I have never regretted it for one second:

(Ask them how I feel about not being at the gym 16 hours a day. Regrets…I have few, but this is not one of them.)

So there you have it Melvin. I wish you best of luck with your goals and your new program. I just hope once you climb the ladder to success you don’t realize it was leaning against the wrong wall the entire time.

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(This is Stallone today, plus or minus a couple extra pounds of head mass thanks to his decades long use of steroids and growth hormone. I personally think he looks like the missing link these days, regardless of how “ripped” he might be. To show you how messed up the “World of Huge” is I was once on a bodybuilding forum where somebody tried to convince me how good Stallone looks. It was like arguing with an anorexic person about Karen Carpenter being too thin.)

(This is Karen Carpenter. She had the voice of angel before complications from Anorexia took her life. You may think she looks very different from people like Stallone and Schwarzenegger or how Melvin aspires to be, but the reality is when it comes to body image issues they both sit very closely on the same side of the fence.)

Fiddler on the Roof, Half a Bagel and a Architect

2012-03-20T11:08:00.002-07:00

Hey you little Pisher,

(Authors Note: Pisher is the Yiddish word for “A young squirt”. It can also mean “Bed Wetter” or “A young inexperienced person of no consequence”. Even though I don’t wet the bed anymore I have to assume the writer is referring to me.)

I almost plotzed the other day when I heard you tell one of your clients that a good breakfast would be half a bagel with a schmear of peanut butter or a little bit of Lox.

(Authors Note: Plotz is a Yiddish word meaning to burst or explode. It can be used either in humor and laughter or as a derogatory term referring to a state of aggravation beyond bearing.)

Half a bagel? What kind of person eats only half a bagel. I have never heard of such a thing!

I think you are a Putz.

Signed,

Tevye, The Milk Man

(For Twenty Five Years she washed his clothes, cooked his meals and milked his cow. Of course she loves him! That really is nice to know. You want something else that is really nice to know? For the average person, losing weight isn’t as complicated as it is made out to be.)

Dearest Tevye,

For a second I thought I was the only person who had an incredible resistance to change. But then again there are probably enough inter-faith marriages and sewing machines to go around for both of us.

To answer you question “What kind of person eats half a bagel?” my answer would be:

A thin one.

(I am sure he has never heard of eating half a bagel either.)

The bottom line for an average person with realistic goals, when it comes to losing weight things really aren’t as complicated as they are made out to be.

The person you saw me talking to was a client of mine who is an Architect who does projects all around the world. Often times his food choices are limited to what is made available to him by the people he is working with. Advising him to pack his egg whites and oatmeal to a meeting all the way around the world in Singapore only to tell him to whip it out and scarf it down while discussing a multi million dollar deal just isn’t going to work:

(Pretty talented guy huh?)

Since the food he most commonly ate was a whole bagel with a big plop of cream cheese my simple advice to him was to dump half the bagel and replace it with a portion controlled amount of protein with a little fat mixed in. This worked very well for the following reasons:

1. It cut the calories down significantly

2. It was not a significant departure from what he was used to eating and it was readily available.

3. Replacing the highly processed carbohydrates in the half of a bagel with either the lox or peanut butter made the meal much more nutritionally dense for the calories he was consuming and it provided a greater level of satiety (feeling of fullness in English) which made it less likely he would eat 87 pounds of the Char Kway Teow they served at lunch:

(This is Char Kway Teow. It is usually made from flat rice noodles stir-fried with lard, dark and light soy sauce, chilli, de-shelled cockles, sliced Chinese sausage, bean sprouts, Chinese chives, prawns and egg. It is definitely not low calorie. But then again…)

(This a man from Singapore making Char Kway Teow. Maybe the reason why he is so thin is because even though the dish is very dense in calories he doesn’t eat it every day and when he does eat it he doesn’t consume about 100 pounds in one sitting. We Americans can learn something from this that doesn’t involve us shilling out more money to the $60 Billion Dollar a year weight loss industry.)

So Tevye, now that you know the specifics maybe you won’t find my advice to be such a Shanda.

(Authors note: I only know this word because it was on an episode of Law and Order but Shanda means “A shame” or “A scandal”. I think I heard it on an episode of Seinfeld once too.)

I did also advise my client he could forgo the bagel entirely, keep the protein source intact, and instead have a couple pieces of fruit instead but that was too much for him to handle at the time so we just stuck with the half a bagel because that was what we was familiar with.

Hope that helps.

Till Next Time,

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(I have no idea why this guy decided to wear his underwear to the beach but then again if I was built like that I would probably wear my underwear to the beach too. And the grocery store, and the mall and Church etc. The reality is if your goal is to look like this there probably aren’t too many bagels lying in your future. But what most people need to understand is that such a physique is a mixture of age, genetics and a complete lifestyle dedicated to the pursuit of physical magnificence. What it is not is a level you have to reach in order to feel pride in the way you look, fit in your clothes, function better in daily life or just be an overall healthy person.)

Trainer Bob, The Biggest Loser and One Giant Pile of Crap

2012-03-18T20:13:00.000-07:00

Hey Shank!

I was at the Pharmacy the other day picking up my prescription for a rather virulent outbreak of Herpes Simplex Ten when I saw this amazing product on the shelf:

(Hey Bob. Are you freaking kidding me?)

It’s only $19.95 and I really need to lose weight! What do you think?

Signed,

Ramon (The Fella you met about a week ago)

Hey Ramon,

I remember you! We met at the party last week while doing the Neutron Dance:

(Please tell me that someone out there got my obscure Beverly Hills Cop reference.)

As far as “America’s Most Inspirational Trainer” Bob Harper’s product is concerned let me just say this:

It is one Giant Pile of Crap.

Ramon, if you really want to lose weight kick that product to the curb and repeat after me “I didn't get fat eating pills therefore I won’t get thin eating pills either”.

That goes for Trainer Bob’s product just as much as it goes for his cohort, “America’s Toughest Trainer” Jillian Michaels and her bottle of broken dreams:

(How in God’s name these people sleep at night after lying to the unsuspecting public and selling this garbage is beyond me. Granted they probably made more money in the last ten minutes then I have made in my entire life but it still doesn’t change the fact that this stuff just plain doesn’t “work” when it comes to losing and maintaing a healthy bodyweight.)

If you are really serious about losing weight you need to buy my product instead. It is called “America’s most sarcastic trainer” Mike Cruickshank’s:

FAT LOSS MAGIC IN A BOX!

It contains the following:

In order to cut down on overhead and maintain maximal profitability we have decided to get rid of the fancy packaging and instead put our product in a plain cardboard box:

(Our formula is so amazing we don’t need no stinking marketing.)

Then we included an empty bottle filled with nothing:

(This is so the next time you reach into a bottle to solve your problems you will get all the help you really need.)

And last but not least we included an entire roll of duct tape which when placed over the mouth is excellent for calorie control:

You remember calorie control don’t you. It is the only proven way to lose weight without surgery:

(Personal Trainers who think they are Pharmacists and use their fame as a platform to sell weight loss supplements are right up there with Actors who use their fame to advance their political agendas. Somebody should just tape all their mouths shut.)

And as a special bonus, if you buy within the next 24 hours, we will also throw in a large green rubber ball at no extra cost!

(How a large green rubber ball is going to help you lose weight is beyond me. It was all Frankie and Lily’s idea. Granted large green rubber balls are calorie free so chewing on one instead of say a box of doughnuts could help you eat fewer calories. Maybe the fur balls are on to something here.)

In conclusion Ramon I think you are fantastic so don’t take this post the wrong way. I really don’t mean to be overly sarcastic and rude. My only goal is to once again fight the same uphill battle I have been fighting for the last decade and say this:

The solution to your weight loss problems will never be found in a pill, or blaming your genetics or buying something on late night television. It will be found in the food you put into your mouth. This is true regardless of which fitness flavor of the week is hocking the newest weight loss miracle.

But then again what the hell do I know.

Till next time,

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(This is Dante’s version of hell. If you click on the image and look closely you can see the special place set aside for trainers who tell people they can lose weight by taking pills. That spot is located near the bottom right between Hypocrites and Fraudulent Counselors.)

Hey Shank! Reader mail 3/12/12

2012-03-12T09:51:00.000-07:00

(Two things are for sure. One is that every body is indeed working for the weekend. And second, Swayze and Farley, God Rest both their souls, are freaking awesome!)

Hey Shank,

I am 6 foot 2 and weigh 220lbs with 6% bodyfat. Women want me and Men want to be me. That is no exaggeration. The other day some chick asked my Wednesday Girlfriend if I worked at Chippendales. It’s true!

Last week some guy asked my Friday Girlfriend what I did to workout since he always wanted to look just like me.

You would think that all this bathing in such a sea of awesomeness would make me the happiest guy on earth but I am not. I am actually pretty miserable most of the time. As a fellow Stud Muffin do you got any advice?

Signed,

Hunk Golden

(Ok. I admit it. I took the name from one of the most awesome but under apreciated terrible 1980′s movies of all time, that being “Hunk”. I seriously think that only myself and Gerry Herrera have ever seen this film. From what I understand even the directors mother refused to show up at the premier.)

Dear Hunk,

As a fellow Stud Muffin I do indeed feel your pain. I actually dealt with this subject somewhat briefly in one of my previous blogs titled “Fat Guys, Pancakes and The Razors Edge”:

http://www.clearpathtofitness.com/fat-guys-pancakes-and-the-razors-edge

But I would be glad to go into further discussion about it with you here. The bottom line is that when it comes to figuring out what makes them happy, people pretty much suck:

(If fame, money and good looks were all life is really about then this would have never transformed into…)

(…This guy who was found dead on the toilet.)

Take me for example. I have a bit of an ego. It is most evident when I go Matthew Mcconaughey style and mow the lawn with my shirt off:

(Think of this as a female version of me. Except my boobs are bigger and the only persons I attract are the two guys who live together at the end of the street.)

Granted I get a little of a narcisstic high from the whole thing but it doesn’t really make me happy. Here is what really makes me happy:

(This is Frankie and Lily the first day in their new house. They were so unsure of the surroundings that they walked around like this, pretty much glued together, the entire first day. The absolute connection these two share is for me a lasting high, not a temporary one.)

Here is something else that makes me happy:

(This is the animal shelter I volunteer at. Going there is better than Prozac.)

A long time ago I went your route thinking that I was basically one “P90x” moment away from being the person I always wanted to be:

(He’s not smiling like that because of the way he is built. He is smiling like that because he knows he has your money. Either that or the forearm to the head denotes the happiest migraine in the history of man kind. Oy Vey! Nobody knows how Tony Horton must suffer.)

In conclusion my dearest Hunk you need to go out and figure out what it is that makes you really happy. If you were a pure ego maniac you would not be having the empty feelings you are experiencing because looking my Mr. Infomercial above would be enough. Based on your reaction it obviously isn’t. A good place to start when finding your passions would be to start with activities that tend to “pull you out of your own ass” so to speak. Basically anything with the word shelter attached to it is a good place to start. Think “Animal, Battered Women, Run Away Teen, Homeless” versus “Tax” and you will find people and places who need your time and money more than the bar at Applebee’s:

(I have been out of the “game” for so long I can’t even remember where people go to get picked up. It really can’t be this place…can it?)

Try to remember that real wellness goes beyond just looking good. It is about being happy with who you are and figuring out what your true passions are. Unfortunately that is a little more complicated than just banging out some bench presses.

But then again what the hell do I know.

Till next time.

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(Just so we are being completely honest here we need to quote the great actor Joe Pesci who once said “Money may not buy you happiness but at least you can pick your own misery”. Supposedly the couple above actually have a lot in common. They both like soup.)

(That last part above was obviously a “Best in Show” quote. You may recognize these two as the founders and editors of “Bitch” magazine.)