Losing to Win

Long time, no see!

2011-08-30T20:39:00.000-04:00

I hope everyone made it through Irene okay! We only got a bit of wind and rain in Milford, NH. Didn't even lose power. My thoughts are with everyone who was affected. I actually made up a couple decent sized bags for donations. I'm hoping to find a place to bring them tomorrow.

Jackie starts first grade tomorrow. I am finally able to get Xander to nap in the afternoons now. He never took naps before! I might actually get a chance to come on here more frequently and start my work out regimen once more.

I can't believe how bad I've been with food & drink lately. Not only am I eating crap and not paying attention to portions or the frequency anymore, I also picked up the soda habit. Joy. I am hoping to cut out all soda again by the end of September. I am doing it slowly so I don't get the horrible caffeine withdrawal migraines that come with it. Anyway, what I mean by not paying attention to how much or how often I eat, is that I only eat once a day. No breakfast, no lunch. Just dinner. Ergh... I am dreading the scale.

Tomorrow, I am making sure I only have one soda & drink more water. I am also going to go for a walk after Jackie gets on her bus at 8am, if weather permits. If not, Nordic Track. I need to get back into things!

RIP Rita Lacourse 1/25/23 - 8/11/11

2011-08-16T20:15:00.001-04:00

I have neglected to work out or eat right or put any energy into losing weight lately.

The last month doesn't even feel real. My grandmother just passed away. She spent 2 weeks in hospice & I drove down from NH to RI as often as possible to spend time with her. She died of MRSA that she contracted from a surgery she had when she broke her hip.

She was like my mother. This is so hard for me, for my whole family. She died on Thursday, August 11th at 10:05pm, and I was the only one in the room with her when it happened. My aunts and grandfather were in the hallway talking to a nurse when she passed. I just had this overwhelming feeling & could smell her perfume (as strange as that may sound, considering she hasn't worn any since April when she fell) and felt like I NEEDED to be in the room with her. I watched her take her final breath. At least she wasn't alone.

The funeral was on Monday. I wrote & read the eulogy. That's right, the girl with intense social anxiety got up in front of 90 people+ and read the eulogy. I know that she gave me the strength to do it, I hate being in front of people & I hate public speaking. I did it for her though. I think I did her justice, too.

I feel so empty. I cannot believe any of this is real. I keep hoping I am dreaming, even though I know I'm not. Here is the eulogy:

"Today we say goodbye to a wonderful woman, my grandma Rita. She was an amazing & loving wife, mother, grandmother, and great grandmother. She spent 64 of her 88 years with my grandfather. Together they had 3 children, 4 grandchildren, and 5 great grandchildren. We are all deeply affected by her parting and will miss her more than words could adequately describe.

My grandfather and I were talking a few weeks back about her. We sat outside and he told me how they met, fell in love, and how no other woman could have made him happier. He said that every moment spent with her was a good one just because they were together. All of this was said with a smile on his face. I have never seen two people so in love as they were with each other. So devoted.

My grandmother stayed true to her vows and took care of my grandfather in sickness & in health, without fail. She was his primary care giver, she always made sure he took his pills, made it to his appointments and had everything he needed already waiting for him in the morning. In fact, so much of her energy was spent caring for him that I don’t know how she had any energy left for herself. She truly was amazing.

This is a great loss not only for her family, but for everyone who knew her. She always was thinking of others, even complete strangers. She took pride in being part of the prayer line, and in writing cards to the sick and their families. She loved going to church, meeting people and making friends. She was always there to listen when someone needed her. I can guarantee that at one point or another she prayed for everyone in this room just because that's the kind of person she was. Her family & her faith were her main focuses in life.

She was so kind, in fact, that most people upon meeting her and my grandfather would remark on how sweet and loving they were, how they were truly an inspiration. Her kindness & sweetness knew no bounds and people picked up on it instantly. Every one of my friends told me they wished their grandparents were as loving and wonderful as mine.

She was exceedingly kind and offered her help whenever able to those who needed it. She opened her up home up to me when I was 9 and made me feel like i belonged there. She helped raise me as if I were her own child. I can honestly say that there was no way anyone could have been a better, more patient & loving motherly figure for me when I needed one the most. To her other grandchildren, she was known as Memere. To me, she was called Grandma. In my heart, she felt like she was my own mother.

I will never forget the many afternoons we spent playing cards and laughing together. We would laugh so hard our eyes would tear up. Her laugh was infectious. I tried to do whatever I could to take her mind off of things so she could giggle with me. I will miss those smiley afternoons with her the most.

One conversation that we had will forever be etched in my memory. She told me about faith, and how it's all around us. She said to be open to the possibility of miracles because if you aren't willing to let the good in, you'll only experience the bad. She was a miracle. Her life, through her actions and her demeanor, was a miracle & it was also her gift for all of us.

I am not going to pretend that things were always perfect between us, because that would be a lie. I was not the easiest person to get along with but she always made an effort to bring the best out of me. I just never saw it until recently. I am glad she forgave me and that we made our peace. If there is one thing she taught me, it's to never take things or people for granted & to be open to love and to forgiveness.

One thing that was always concern for my grandmother is the thought of her family drifting once she passed. She had told me recently how badly she wanted people to put their grudges aside and let the past be the past. She wanted to make sure that our family stayed a family without her there to keep us together. I think we should all try and honor her final wish.

I am so scared to live in a world without her in it, but I know in my heart that she will never leave me & she will always look after me, look after all of us. Death may have ended her life, but it will never end the relationships we all had with her.

To my lovely little grandma, I love you & I will miss you always. May angels lead you in. Rest in peace."

Anyway, not that it matters, but I've lost around 15 pounds in the last few weeks. Without even trying. Grief & stress & Zoloft are my guesses. I'd gain it all back and then some if it meant she could be with me, though.

Stuck.

2011-07-25T21:15:00.000-04:00

I am eating better. I have definitely gotten into some healthier habits.

As for exercising.... I suck. I can't get motivated to do anything. I have no idea why. Anyone else feel like this? What do you do to snap yourself out of it? I am so happy & fulfilled by everything in my life at the moment that I don't feel the need to work out anymore. Before, it was a form of therapy for me. Now, I'm happier and I just don't feel like I need to do it even though I really do.

I have no idea if I am making any sense.

What's new...?

2011-07-22T23:24:00.000-04:00

I have started a new diet. Giving low carb a shot. My goal is to keep my calorie intake below 1500 & my carbs 60 or under for the day. Today was Day 1. I have my weight from yesterday logged in my notebook. We'll check the difference in another week or so.

Today I went out and stocked up on notebooks. My old one was completely filled up. The first half of the notebook will be a food diary where I will also be tracking calories & carbs, and also filling it with recipes I happen to find that are healthy. The second half will be my workout log where I detail the type of workout and the calories burned. I am going to be shooting for 1000 calories burned a day.

I am looking into more alternatives for dinner, since we pretty much lived off of pasta for the last few years. I have no idea what to make that doesn't involve too much bread or pasta. Grr. I wish I were a better cook!

Next week, I'm kicking my own butt into gear because this week was a poor excuse for someone who is supposed to be on a diet and exercise plan.

I have been eating less & less with the Zoloft, it's ridiculous how little I want to eat these days! I have been craving soda though, which is no good. I gave in once & bought a 20 ounce & poured myself a small glass, maybe 6 ounces. The rest was given to Andrew.

Busy, busy, busy.

2011-07-19T17:03:00.001-04:00

I really need to start making more time for this blog, I've been slacking big time.

The kids had a sleepover last night with 2 other kids. What a handful. I seriously don't know how some people have 4 kids. Takes a special person, I think. haha.

So, what's new with me? I've been kind of slacking with exercise, but doing much better with eating right. I can tell that the Zoloft is having an effect on my appetite. I'm not hungry as much, and when I do eat, I just pick at my food instead of scarfing it down. I'm not noticing much else from the Zoloft except for trouble sleeping. The first night of perfect, peaceful sleep was a fluke. I have yet to have a decent night's sleep since. Instead of taking the pill before bed, I'm taking it first thing in the a.m. from now on. I hope that helps. I miss sleeping! That is why I haven't been exercising as much - no energy! I have been good about using the bike every day and going 2 miles minimum a day on the NT, but I haven't touched my dvd's or weights since Friday.

I would also like to add that I found my Nordic Track log from May and DAMN! I walked 75 miles in less than 2 weeks! In one month, I walked 120 miles just on that machine. I miss doing that! I was slimming down so much.

How is it I can be so pumped to do something for 2 full months and suddenly just lose interest in the 3rd month? Seeing those pictures of myself really messed with my head & made me think, "what's the point?" I need to figure out a way to snap myself back into a good routine.

What an amazing day!

2011-07-15T15:58:00.001-04:00

Anyone who has been reading my blog knows that I am in counseling for my panic disorder & depression. On Tuesday I had my first appointment with the psychiatrist. He gave me prescriptions for Zoloft & Ambien. Zoloft will help treat the depression & social anxiety issues & Ambien is a sleeping pill. I only filled the script for Zoloft, because -DAMN!- meds are expensive without insurance.

I am not too thrilled to be taking a pill every day in hopes that it will make me feel better, but I am desperate to try anything. I have only a few months until Xander's birthday, then Christmas & Jackie's birthday. I really want to get a job so I can spoil these kids. I honestly feel that if there is a chance Zoloft will help, I'm going to take it.

Anyway, I started the Zoloft yesterday. I followed the instructions on the bottle instead of the instructions the doctor had written on a paper for me to bring home. I was supposed to take 25 mgs for the first few doses, and increase it over 2 weeks, until I got up to 100 mgs, apparently. I ended up taking the full 100 mgs yesterday. I was so tired! It literally knocked me out. I was in bed by 11 and woke up at 5:30 today, feeling very rested & better than I have in a while. I guess all I needed was a good nights sleep!

So, as I said, I woke up at 5:30 this morning & I felt like I could take on the world. I used my Yoga DVD & while it was more challenging than I thought it would be, I loved it! I think I might want to start doing Yoga on a regular basis. I picked up a bunch of DVD's from the library yesterday, and most of them were Yoga related. I am going to pick my 2 favorites and purchase them.

After using that DVD, I used one of my Jillian Michaels DVD's. It's now my favorite, I like it even more than 30DS! 30DS is a great workout, but I got bored with it. I am glad that I now have 15 fitness DVD's to choose from! Plus an additional 7 from the library at the moment.

So, after all that, I decided to use the recumbent bike for a while. I burned 400 calories. It took a bit longer than usual because I had to keep my pace slow so I wouldn't wake anyone else up. The bike is a bit loud.

I spent the rest of the morning with the kids, just lounging around. I popped in a new movie my father got the kids and decided to use the Nordic Track for a bit. In 45 minutes, I burned 850 calories! I am no longer counting miles, but calories instead. I don't know how much I burn from my DVD's, so I am hoping to burn at least 1000 calories a day split between the 2 machines.

I've been much better about working out, let's hope the trend continues. I really loved waking up early & getting most of the exercise done before anyone was awake! It was so much more relaxing than trying to work out with the kids running around.

I am a bit worried about weight gain with Zoloft. When I was a teenager & I took it, I lost a lot of weight. I am reading up on the drug & it appears that while it is not "known" to cause weight gain, it can happen. Oh boy. I guess if I am happier, that's all that matters. I really believe that if the Zoloft can stabilize my mood & allow me to function a bit more normally in social situations, that I will lose weight. I will be able to have a job, and feel better about myself all around. We'll see though. If anyone has any experience with Zoloft, I would love to hear what it did for you!

Long time, no post.

2011-07-12T18:53:00.001-04:00

I am sorry that I haven't been on here as much lately. Life has caught up with me, and we have about a million things going on at once over here. On top of the hectic home life, I keep injuring my back and my knee doing stupid stuff, all of it from horsing around with Andrew or the kids.
I've been taking it easy. Taking it easy for me still includes doing hundreds of crunches & pushups, and walking 15+ miles, and doing 80 miles on the stationary bike since the 3rd, when we picked it up.
Today, I had a weigh in I wasn't expecting at the doctor's office. No loss, but no gain.
Considering how much I've had to cut back on the fruits & veggies, and the injuries which are preventing serious workouts from happening, I'm happy that I've stayed where I was.
I've splurged. More than I should have. If I would have stayed in line with my diet, I am sure I would have had a loss of 2 or 3 pounds. Oh well.

I am starting things up slowly this week. I rented 3 different yoga dvd's and I will only be doing that which I am capable of. I forgot to mention that I gave those Zumba dvd's another try and I really liked them this time! I just renewed them, so they are mine for another 2 weeks at least. If I can make it through this week without injury, I will go back to some of my old fall back favorites by Jillian Michaels & the Crunch DVD's.

I will start updating more regularly next week. I hope everyone is well!

My kneeee.

2011-07-07T21:10:00.000-04:00

I ended up doing a few miles on the bike on the 5th, and doing 22 yesterday. I also did levels 2 and 3 of the 30 day shred & 5 miles on the nordic track. I was all set to get back into my exercise routine with a vengeance, until today.... Thanks to a stupid accident in the pool when Andrew & I were playing around, I screwed my knee up.

I am wondering how I can get decent exercise in while my knee is recovering. I can't put too much pressure on it, but I can walk if it's necessary. Any ideas?

Oops.

2011-07-05T23:29:00.000-04:00

I have been so busy lately that I haven't had time for the internet at all until tonight. I didn't feel much like writing because I am a bit depressed. This weekend we went to a family reunion in Westport, MA, and Andrew took some pictures. I didn't mind because I had lost so much weight & inches. Upon reviewing the pictures, I cried for a solid hour. How can I still be so huge after making so much progress? I haven't had the time or chance to exercise since Friday, either. I behaved & followed my workout plan perfectly last week & all the goals were met, but I still look like shit.

I am taking a little break from blogging until I have regained some self confidence. I need to really step up my game if I want to see more dramatic results... I'm starting tomorrow. Maybe in a week I can come back on here & feel a bit better about myself.

One good thing: I got my stationary bike from Rhode Island. I finally brought it up here on Sunday night. I'm kind of excited. My goal is to start doing a 7 miles a day on that and 5 miles a day on the Nordic Track. We'll see how that works out.

My Workout Wishlist.

2011-06-29T22:59:00.000-04:00

Balance ball
I have a few workout dvd's that suggest using these and I am dying to get one. Any suggestions for a good one to look into?

Jillian Michaels: Yoga Metldown
I love this DVD! I am tired of borrowing it from the library, haha. I need other yoga dvds! Preferably for beginners.

Yoga Mat
I picked this one randomly. I have hardwood floors. I NEED a mat! Suggest something better?

Jillian Michaels: No More Trouble Zones
This is one of my favorites, and I need it in my collection! I have had this out from the library for over a month now.

Bob Harper: Kettlebell Cardio Shred
Interested in kettlebell... this dvd sounded like the best one

Kettlebell
I don't know which kettlbell to look into. Is this one any good?

The Biggest loser Fitness Program
I LOVE this book. Words cannot express how awesome it is.

Master Your Metabolism Cookbook
Another book I am tired of borrowing from the library.

Master Your Metabolism
This book changed my life. No lie! If you haven't read it, go. NOW!

It's really funny when you look at this list because the dvd's are all from trainers who were on The Biggest Loser, same with the books. I have never seen that show once. I stumbled across Jillian Michaels thanks to my dad of all people. He had the 30 Day Shred DVD lying around and I liked it so much that it got me back into exercising. Anyone have any other suggestions?

I really want a good heart rate monitor that also is a calorie counter. So few of them are rated well, though. Any thoughts?

Progress!

2011-06-29T20:11:00.000-04:00

I went clothes shopping today with plans on getting a pair of workout pants & a new skirt. I grabbed 3 sizes, unsure of where I would fall... None of them fit. I tried on one more size, FOUR sizes smaller than I am used to, and they fit PERFECTLY! Not only did I beat my goal of being down 3 full pants sizes by July 4th, but I lost an additional size on top of that! I am so excited. I even got two new shirts in a smaller size, too!

EVERYTHING IS SMALLER!

Words cannot express how content I am with my progress thus far. I can't wait until my birthday in November, I wonder what an additional few months will do to me! I hope they are as kind as the last two have been!

Why is sleep so important when trying to lose weight?

2011-06-28T17:22:00.000-04:00

I have had trouble with falling asleep my whole life. I've been a night owl since I was a kid, and my body just never got used to going to bed before midnight, usually much later than that. When I was in high school, I suffered from really awful insomnia that would keep me up for days on end. Seriously. I hardly ever slept! Looking back on that time, I realize that I gained 60 pounds in one year - the year when I was told I suffered from insomnia. I was 17. This is when my weight troubles began. I remember weighing myself on new years eve and thinking I only had 20 pounds to lose, and the following new years I weighed myself again and was shocked to see I had to lose over 85 pounds to get to my goal weight. Ouch. 60 pounds in ONE YEAR.

Why did I gain so much weight so fast? It's really simple, and I wish I had known this back then, because my life could be a lot easier right now.

When you don't get enough sleep, your body is low on energy and it causes your brain to believe you NEED sugary foods for that instant rush on energy. Your body will also have more trouble processing glucose which can lead to gaining weight. If you're having trouble sleeping, your body also is producing higher levels of cortisol & slows your metabolism down to a stop. As if THAT wasn't enough, your body will most likely be too tired to exercise, leading to weight gain.

"It's a no-brainer that sleep is important. There's nothing like a good night's rest to make you feel rejuvenated, energetic and ready for your day. Not to mention that research has shown that a lack of sleep increases the risk of diabetes, obesity and injuries. Now there's a new study out furthering the cause for getting a solid 6-8 hours of sleep a night. According to the October 5 issue of the journal Annals of Internal Medicine, not getting enough sleep may inhibit fat loss in dieters.

In the study, dieters were divided into two groups: those who got about 8 hours of sleep and those who only got about 5 hours of sleep. While both groups lost the same amount of weight on a calorie-controlled diet, the amount of fat they lost was dependent on how much sleep they had. The group who got a full night's sleep had weight loss that consisted of 50 percent or more from fat, while the reduced sleep group had only one-fourth of their weight loss from fat, according to the study.

It's well researched that when sleep is restricted, levels of ghrelin go up and leptin levels go down. Ghrelin is a hormone that triggers hunger and reduces energy expenditure, while leptin controls appetite. So when you don't get enough sleep, it's a whole lot easier for your dieting willpower to go right out the window. It's actually hormonal. Unfortunately, most Americans aren't getting enough sleep, which is probably playing a role in the obesity epidemic." Taken from here.

How much sleep should you shoot for a night? As close to 7 to 9 hours as possible. You don't want to sleep too much, but you need to make sure you're shooting for 8 for weight loss.

What can you do to make sure you get more sleep each night?
- Exercise! Even if it's just walking for 20 minutes a day, it will go a long way.
- Try establishing a bedtime. I know it sounds silly, but your body will get used to going to bed at the same time each night & fall into a pattern.
- Cut out as much caffeine as possible from your diet, preferably completely. If you can't do that, at least stop having caffeinated beverages at least 4 hours before bed.
- Make your room very dark. Get an eye mask.
- Avoid naps.

Good luck and happy resting!

Ouchh.

2011-06-28T14:25:00.000-04:00

So glad today is a rest day, as I overdid it yesterday. I did wake up by 9:30, but I wasn't able to get out of bed until after 1pm. Oops... I am taking it easy today & possibly not even bothering with the Nordic Track. I really need a REAL rest day.

I'm going to the pool now with the kids and I plan on just relaxing in the water, no real swimming intended. I will get in the water and play with the kids, but you can forget about me doing ANY exercising in that pool today! I hurt all over, which I find odd since I really only worked my abs hard last night.

Today's workout consisted of...

2011-06-27T22:16:00.004-04:00

- Spent over 4 hours in the pool today.
I did a few laps, but mostly did aerobic exercises in the water when I wasn't busy playing with the kids.

- 4 miles on the Nordic Track.
Over 1200 calories burned, might I add, in less than an hour, to boot! According to the Nordic Track I burned 1200, but according to this calculator here, I burned almost 1500. Nice :) BTW that calculator is wonderful for almost every exercise you can think of! Random: I sooo want one of these.

- 150 regular crunches
I am kind of looking forward to my break tomorrow from crunches :)

- 50 reverse crunches
Mhm, done & done.

- 50 bicycle crunches
Ouch, these bad boys hurt.

- 20 REAL push ups
Did it, and it wasn't easy. I've never been able to do REAL pushups before! This was definitely the hardest part of my whole workout.

- 30 Day Shred
Done. I only did Level 1 because I didn't see a need to go all out since I did so much other exercising besides the DVD.

Other accomplishments for the day:
- Took my vitamins & supplements
Fish Oil, Super B complex, Chromium, Multi vitamin

- Consumed 120 ounces of water
I have started tracking my water & this is the most I've had since tracking began last week.

- Woke up at 9 & will be in bed by 1:30
No problem, I am exhausted! Andrew is working late tonight so I am not waiting up for him. I am taking a shower and headed off to dreamland. Looking forward to a solid 8 hours of sleep & getting up at a respectable time tomorrow!

- No soda.
Easyyyy! I do sometimes miss soda, but when I think about what is more important, health or soda, well - soda always loses.

In addition to all of those things, I also was very careful about what I ate. I wasn't nearly as hungry because of all the water I was drinking, but I forced myself to eat one thing, even if it was just some fruit or a piece of cheese or something, every 3 hours. I didn't go crazy at dinner time, and I haven't had any late night snacks, either. I'm proud!

I am looking forward to an easy day tomorrow. I only need to do 4 miles+ on the Nordic Track. I am taking a break from all other exercises tomorrow. All my goals & accomplishments are still going to HOPEFULLY be fulfilled, but so far so good!

How important are rest days between workouts and cool downs after workouts?

2011-06-27T17:28:00.003-04:00

Are cool downs really important?

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know I love doing the 30 Day Shred DVD. The first few times I used this dvd, I did the cool down afterwards. It hurt my back and my legs, so I stopped trying the cool down.

I was reading something interesting in The Biggest Loser's Fitness Program last night about how important cool downs really are & I decided to give them another chance. The cool down is just as important as the warm up. Do you ever workout without doing a warm up first? I know I don't!

A cool down brings your body back down to it's pre-exercise state. A cool down serves multiple purposes but the most important things a cool down does is it reduces your pulse to it's pre-exercise state and in addition to that, a cool down returns the blood to your heart in the proper amounts so it can expel the lactic acid (a chemical result of muscular fatigue) from your muscles. Signs of an improper cool down are dizziness, nausea, & an overall feeling of exhaustion.

In short: always try to do a cool down after any exercise.

Should I allow resting days in between my workouts?

Another thing you may have noticed is I am trying to do crunches on a daily basis, a minimum of 100 of them. After doing some research on rest days and their importance, I am going to shoot for 250 crunches a day 3- times a week instead of daily. Not a good idea to work out the same muscles so often! Kind of stinks, I love doing crunches.

If you are doing weight lifting or strength training in your workouts, you need to give your muscles a chance to regroup. When you're working out, you're ripping your muscles to shreds, literally. The resting period is when your muscle rebuilds & comes back stronger, appearing more toned than before. You also need to rest in order to give your body a chance to replenish energy stores as well.

It is believed by many that you should work out certain muscle groups only on certain days. An example of a suitable workout routine can be found here. I may try this schedule for myself this week! Not necessarily those exercises, but I like the general idea for the muscles worked on those days.

Do you need to take rest days from cardio as well as strength training?

No, you don't really need rest days from cardio. 6 days a week is considered reasonable for cardio, but if you're comfortable doing it daily, go for it. The thing you need to remember is that you should have one day a week that is a true rest day from all forms of exercise. It will help you avoid getting burned out!

Motivational Monday!

2011-06-27T16:32:00.006-04:00

Happy Monday, everyone!

Here are some motivational quotes to get the week off on the right foot:

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.”
- Mark Twain

Who aims at excellence will be above mediocrity; who aims at mediocrity will be far short of it.
- Burmese Saying

Some men give up their designs when they have almost reached the goal; while others, on the contrary, obtain a victory by exerting, at the last moment, more vigorous efforts than before.
- Polybius

The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible.
- Arthur C. Clarke

You cannot plow a field by
turning it over in your mind.
- Author Unknown

"The first step to becoming is to will it."
- Mother Teresa

My new goals for this week are as follows:
150 regular crunches every other day (Monday, Wednesday, Friday)
50 bicycle crunches every other day (Monday, Wednesday, Friday)
50 reverse crunches every other day (Monday, Wednesday, Friday)
30 Day Shred (Monday, Wednesday, Friday)
4 miles a day on the Nordic Track 5-7 times
Wake up by 9:30 every day & Go to bed by 1:30 at least 5 times this week (I am a notorious night owl, so I'm trying to break this habit slowly by easing into an early wake up time)
Drink 100 ounces or more of water daily
Take my vitamins & supplements daily
No soda

To take this list one step further, I also made an entire workout itinerary for the week for the rest of my body and even wrote down what workouts I would do each day and for what muscle groups. I am very organized and together this week, so I'm hoping this attitude carries over into the rest of the week! My workout itinerary isn't going to be a part of my goals list, because there are over 15 different exercises to name. The ones I listed on my goals list are the ones I am the most excited to follow through with.

I am aiming a bit higher than I did last week because I am trying to meet my goal of dropping one dress size by July 4th. I don't know how many of these I will be able to accomplish, but I am hoping to meet all of them. Realistically though, I'll be happy if I can stick to 7 out of the 9 goals I have set for myself.

This morning I took my measurements for the first time in a while. I am proud to say that since beginning my exercise regimen, I have lost 9.5 inches IN MY WAIST alone! I've lost 4 inches total from my arms, too. Grand total for inches lost is 31 inches from all over my body. I am so proud!

I'd also like to report that all my workout pants are too big. They keep slipping off. 3 out of the 5 pairs of workout pants are from 2009, when I had lost over 30 pounds. I am so happy! I have to tie them up with hair ties, hahaha! Andrew will get me 2 new pairs next week, he says. I don't want to get too many new clothes because I am hoping the loss continues.

“You see things and say ‘Why?’ but I dream things and say ‘Why not?’”
- George Bernard Shaw

Kicking my own butt.

2011-06-26T23:34:00.000-04:00

I have been doing great this weekend with working out! I went 9 miles on the Nordic Track today. I did 200 crunches, this time I mixed it up more than usual. I've mastered reverse crunches, oblique crunches, bicycle crunches, and torso twists. It's really starting to show, too. I put on my bathing suit for the first time in almost a week and I couldn't believe how much more loose it was in the belly area! I did get compliments at the pool from a few friends, too. In addition to those things, I also did the 30 Day Shred, and tried out a new DVD called Crunch: Belly, Butt & Thighs Boot Camp. I did arm exercises in addition to all of these things, too. I feel great & I can't even believe the difference between my body this week versus last week. It's amazing. I love feeling AND seeing the results all at once, you know?

People who haven't seen me in a few months will be shocked the next time we meet, guaranteed.

I also am really pleased to say that my father complimented me on how well I've been doing. He's not much for compliments. He says I am inspiring him to want to work out, too! When I told Laurin that he said that to me, she admitted that I was her inspiration for working out again! I can't believe how many people I'm motivating to better their lives through exercise! So happy!

I made a list of goals for the week which I will share tomorrow at some point. I hope you had a great weekend and have an even better week!

Did we reach our goals this week?

2011-06-25T14:57:00.005-04:00

- No more fast food, even at the drive in. I don't mind splurging every now and then, but I want to go one full week without ANY fast food, just to prove I can do it.
Nope, I didn't make it. I went to the drive in on Monday night and had mozzarella sticks. Grrr. Oh well, better luck next week! It could have been worse though, right? I only had one fast food item this week instead of, say, 5. I'm pleased with this.

- Drink nothing but water and drink LOTS of it. I always behave & follow this, except on the days I go to the drive in. I had maybe half a cup of soda from Andrew on Saturday night & I paid the price with a horrible migraine. I am NOT making that mistake again. After going almost 2 weeks with no soda & nothing but water, I ruined it & paid the price.
Except for ONE gulp of coffee yesterday when my headache was really bad, I did hold true to this. I never drink coffee, but I figured the caffeine might help with the headache a bit. Can taking a sip of coffee for my headache really be held against me? I haaate coffee, yuck. I am going to go ahead and say I stuck with this. I've been averaging over 100 ounces a day OR MORE of water!

- Walk/Run 21 miles. It doesn't matter if it's from the Nordic Track, or from walking or running outside, I want to do this. Easy, 3 miles a day. I have been going above and beyond this lately, but I am trying a new system this week and seeing how it works for me.
SO CLOSE! I made it to 18 miles. I only did that over 3 days because I wasn't feeling well this week. It could be worse. Shooting for 21 miles again next week!

- Implement my new system of 15 minutes of intense walking or running on the Nordic Track followed by 10 minutes of strength training. Repeat as many times as able. No more marathon walking without strength training included.
On the 3 days I used the Nordic Track, I did this and it felt great.

- Continue doing 100 crunches in a row each day.
Pfft! I am up to over 100 crunches a day, and today I did 200! I have NOT missed a single day of crunches!

It could be better, but it could be worse. I completed 3 out of 5 of my goals. The best part about this is that I completed most of my goals even though I was having a really rough week. If I can do that on a bad week, imagine what i can do on a good week! I am so excited & happy.

Now to think of what to add to this list for next week. Any ideas?

A little healthy competition.

2011-06-25T14:52:00.001-04:00

My friend Laurin recently restarted her workout regimen with her personal trainer & has begun her new low carb diet. I had been in a bit of a slump, as I am sure you noticed. Knowing she was working out too gave me the motivation to start up again! I never completely stopped, but now I'm at it full force again. We were texting this afternoon and she said she was hopping on the elliptical for an hour. I decided to do the Nordic Track. I did 3 miles, and then did a bunch of arm and ab exercises, 200 crunches total! I did 3 more miles and then finished everything off with some more leg exercises.

I've been feeling horrible the last 24 hours with what I describe as an ice pick headache. Ouch. Working out at first was making the throbbing worse, but I am glad I stuck with it. Less than an hour after beginning, the headache stopped entirely. I feel great now.

I am so glad Laurin is doing this with me. She can help keep me accountable, keep me on my toes, and we can remind/push each other to do everything to the best we possibly can.

I had another friend in 2009 that I joined a gym with. We were really good about going quite a few times a week, and I think we motivated each other to keep going. I moved away, and she found out she was pregnant. Working out together ended, and I slowly began putting the weight back on. Up until that point, I never pushed myself as hard as I did when Alyssia and I were exercising together, so I am really glad Laurin is joining me! Luckily, I've built up quite a bit of stamina and I know much more efficient ways of exercising than I did in 2009. Here's hoping Laurin and I can lose 167 pounds together!

Do you have a workout buddy?

Food ABC's.

2011-06-24T20:54:00.002-04:00

A is for Apple, what’s your favorite variety?
I love almost every apple I can find, but when I'm picking them, I tend to go for Pink Lady apples.

B: is for Bread, regardless of nutrition, calories, or whole grains what is your favorite type to have a nice big piece of?
I am hopelessly in love with garlic bread topped with cheeses.

C: is for Cereal what is your favorite kind currently (just one!)
Honey Nut Cheerios.

D: is for Doughnuts, you might not currently be eating them but what kind do you fancy?
Strawberry.

E: is for Eggs, how would you like yours prepared?
Not a fan of eggs.

F: is for Fat Free, what is your favorite fat free product?
Jell-O Chocolate Pudding.

G: is for Groceries, where do you purchase yours at?
Stop & Shop, BJ's, Target, Wal Mart & Market Basket. There certain things I love that I can only find at those stores. Grocery shopping is an all day event, haha.

H: is for Hot Beverages, what is your favorite hot drink?
Tea.

I: is for Ice Cream, pick a favorite flavor and add a fun topping.
I am boring, I want chocolate ice cream with caramel on top. Mmmm.

J: is for Jams or Jellies, do you eat them, and if so what kind and flavor?
Not really, no.

K: is for Kashi, name your favorite Kashi product?
I tried this cereal once and it was amazing. I need to buy some. Honey Almond Flax.

L: is for Lunch, what was yours today?
I had an apple. I wasn't feeling very hungry this afternoon. Had a horrible headache.

M: is for microwave, what is your favorite microwave meal/snack?
Popcorn, but only if it's burned!

N: is for nutrients, do you like carbs, fats, or proteins best?
Carbs. I am bad, I know.

O: is for oil, what kind do you like to use?
Extra Virgin Olive Oil.

P: is for protein, how do you get yours?
I am a fan of nuts lately. It's a new thing from back when I tried to be vegan (failed! :( very sad about that)

Q: is for Quaker, how do you like your oats?
With cinnamon and strawberries!

R: is for roasting, what is your favorite thing to roast?
peanuts

S: is for sandwich, what’s your favorite kind?
Maybe I need to grow up, but I still love Peanut Butter & Fluff!

T: is for travel, how do you handle eating while traveling?
Not very well, but I'm getting better. I pack snacks and fruits and veggies for long trips.

U: is for unique, what is one of your weirdest food combos?
I am not sure that I like anything overly weird.

V: is for vitamins, what kind do you take?
Multi, Chromium, Fish Oil, Vitamin D, Super B Complex, etc.

W: is for wasabi, yay or nay?
Not a fan.

X: is for XRAY. if we xrayed your belly right now, what food would we see?
3 apples, some strawberries, a salad, a rice krispie treat, some pasta, and 5 french fries.

Y: is for youth, what food reminds you of your childhood?
Pancakes & cupcakes.

Z: is for zucchini, how do you prepare it?
Like this! I can't find teh exact recipe for how my grandfather made it, but that's pretty close. Love it. Need to make some myself.

Beliefs vs. Thoughts.

2011-06-23T22:42:00.002-04:00

"One of the most important things to know about the mind and reality is the difference between thoughts and beliefs. The difference between a thought and a belief is that you may have thousands of thoughts going through your mind but none of them have any power except those that are beliefs. A belief is a thought that you make real, or accept as true. Choosing to make a thought real or not is a decision under the very power of the will.

It is important to understand that is not our thinking that creates our circumstances, but the emotion that is attached to our thoughts. Thoughts become things but not all thoughts become things, only the thoughts that are accompanied with strong feelings and emotion.

Thought is first a conscious suggestion, then it becomes a subconscious memory, working day and night. This is what operates the law of attraction, because the laws of attraction and repulsion are entirely subconscious. Thoughts may be conscious to start with, but they are subconscious as soon as they are set in motion. Now suppose I did not say I was poor, but came into the world with an unconscious thought of poverty. So long as that thought operated, I would be poor. I might not have understood the Law, but it would have been working all the time.

The subconscious mind is the seat of emotion and the storehouse of memory, therefore memory is tied to emotion. Emotion is energy in motion. The more emotion a thought has, the more it is able to move things. Weak thoughts have little emotion. Strong thoughts have much emotion."

There are 4 questions my counselor asked me to answer as many times as I could and as honestly as I could, and here they are.

How Do I Feel About Myself?

I am a failure. I am never good enough. I let everyone down. I am worthless. I'm a bitch. I am ugly and I will always be ugly.

How Do I Feel About Others?

I can't trust anyone. Friends will always turn their back. Everyone is out for their own best interest. I am just a stepping stone to something better. No one believes me so why should I believe them? Everyone lies to me.

How Do I Feel About the Future?

Bleak. Scared. Worried.

What is Your Slogan or Motto for Life?

"Life is no way to treat an animal." The good news is, it ends eventually.

This is a pretty sad, depressing list. But every answer is true. I answered each question with the first few things that popped into my head. I guess I am a really depressed person. I know this sounds weird, but I'm a really happy person trapped inside the shell of a super depressed person. I WANT nothing more than to be genuinely happy. I just don't feel like I deserve it. And, I hate to say it, but I believe that until I lose the weight, no one will ever love me & I will never be happy. This exercise could help me in a lot of ways, both emotionally and physically, if I let it.

I'm supposed to break some of my answers down into more rational terms. Words like everyone/everybody/always/never are irrational.

How Do I Feel About Myself?

- I am a failure.
I've never tried to do much with my life because I am so scared of failing. But if I never try, I will never accomplish anything. I need to try.
- I am never good enough.
I have messed up here and there, but for the most part, I come through for my family & friends.
- I let everyone down.
I don't know why I wrote this... I just feel so worthless sometimes because I had so much potential and it was squandered. I can recover from this though, I know I can.
- I am worthless.
:(
- I'm a bitch.
I think that I feel so awful about not meeting my potential that I let it ruin my day, year, whatever. I take my anger towards myself out on others.
-I am ugly and I will always be ugly.
:(

How Do I Feel About Others?

- I can't trust anyone.

I have trouble trusting most people, but that doesn't mean that no one deserves to be trusted. Not everyone is out to get me or hurt me.

- Friends will always turn their back.

Just because this was true in high school, it doesn't mean it's true now. Surprisingly, I've made peace with almost everyone from high school. It's time to let this go.

- Everyone is out for their own best interest.

This is human nature, and I really truly do believe it, but it's not something I should hold against anyone.

- I am just a stepping stone to something better.

I believe that people don't usually like me, that they are just trying to get what they want/need from me, and that's it. Who knows if it's really true... I know I am not trying to use everyone I meet, so my guess is that I'm just a bit paranoid due to some pretty horrible prior experiences.

- No one believes me so why should I believe them? Everyone lies to me.

Not everyone is lying 100% of the time. I need to be more trusting. Innocent until proven guilty, instead of guilty until proven guilty. If I am looking for faults, I will find them. If I am searching for the good, I will see it.

How Do I Feel About the Future?

- Bleak. Scared. Worried.
I can change this if I TRY.

What is Your Slogan or Motto for Life?

- "Life is no way to treat an animal."- Kurt Vonnegut
I really wonder sometimes if this world is worth all the hassle and pain it puts us through. But are we making our lives miserable all on our own, or are we letting a bad situation win? There is good in EVERYTHING, you just need to want to see it.
- Life: The good news is, it ends eventually.
:( I don't even have words for this one.

I am glad I found this list online and was able to recreate the exercise my counselor wanted me to do. I wish I had the entire worksheet & all of the additional stuff she asked me to do, but this is a good baseline. I now have a better idea of what I truly believe, and I can now try and escape this horrible mindset.

Attitude is everything.

I suggest everyone sit down and answer these questions about themselves, you never know what might come up....

Composure regained.

2011-06-23T22:20:00.000-04:00

I am deeply sorry for the outburst yesterday. I felt horrible and needed to vent. It could have been done privately, but I am glad I posted it here. It's a reminder of the mindset I never want to let myself slip into ever again. I am not sure why I let everything add up & make me miserable. I couldn't even tell you. But it's over now, it's gone, it's done, & I am ready for a new day.

I didn't do too bad, if you think about it. I splurged a little. Had a few chocolate chip cookies, but not the whole box. I did have a bit of ice cream today, but just one ice cream bar, not two. I had popcorn yesterday, but I split it with the kids and my friends dog. I made a frozen pizza, but only had 3 small slices, and the kids had the rest. Things could have been a lot worse.

Even at my weakest point - yesterday - I still exercised & consumed over 100 ounces of water. It wasn't much exercise, but I did my crunches & I did the 30 Day Shred. Can I just mention that I now do 120 crunches a day followed by 20 regular sit ups? It's amazing to feel myself getting stronger. I really need to give myself credit.

Lately I'm really focused on back exercises and anything that can strengthen my core. I've always had a weak back and I felt that building up some of the muscle might help. I even took a picture of my back a few weeks back and another picture today and the difference is amazing. I can wear my swimsuit with a bit more confidence now.

Even though this whole week has been difficult, I am glad it happened. It taught me that I can't let emotions rule me anymore, and that I've worked far too hard and improved too much to allow myself to backslide so much. My mindset has changed, and I am ready to take on everything. No more moping, no more whining, just action. I always tell my kids that talk is cheap and actions mean everything. Anyone can SAY they will do something, but the follow through is what really matters. I'm really getting on board with that now.

Ugh.

2011-06-22T21:26:00.001-04:00

I am not sure what it is that is making me feel like such crap, but I have been in an awful mood ever since Sunday. I hurt my back and haven't been working out as much as I wanted to this week. Money has been tight because we overdid it on Father's Day, so now we can't get my weekly fruits & veggies. I'm just depressed, what's the point in exercising if I can't eat right?

I'm depressed because I should be working. I feel so useless. It's not right that Andrew works so much and I stay home and go to the pool and play with the kids. I am not contributing. I know I help by watching the kids but... I hate feeling this way. I want to get my head straight so I can get a job, and I know that part of what will help is me losing weight. But I just ... lost the motivation. I don't know where this slump came from, but I hate it. Things are great between Andrew and I, probably the best they have ever been. We are so happy lately, it's crazy. Maybe the guilt is coming from there? I have no idea. I just wish I got to spend more time with him, wish his kids knew him better... I wish I could have given him a real gift for Father's Day instead of just making a collage of pictures of our children....

Money is so tight I had to reschedule my therapy today for next Wednesday. I drove there and rescheduled in person & explained the situation. Totally embarrassing. I am not happy because I was really looking forward to this appointment, I felt like we were right on the verge of something big. I'm so disappointed I need to wait another week.... On top of that, I lost the list of questions and my answers that I spent 3 hours typing up. Because I share this computer, I didn't save the list. I suck, I suck. I suck.

Don't even get me started on the credit card fiasco I had to deal with today.....

I want to eat nothing but garbage. I went shopping today and picked up a pizza, french fries, cookies, and crackers. I haven't picked up stuff like this in ages. I actually am eating one of the cookies right now with chocolate milk. I suck, I suck, I suck.

I wish I wasn't such a mess. I wish I could start what I finish. I wish I was someone else. Fuck looking like garbage, fuck losing 1 or 2 pounds a week after HOURS of effort, and FUCK THIS DEPRESSION.

I am sorry for the language, I am just a mess right now. Over what? Who freaking knows. What happened to the most motivated girl ever with the bright outlook? Lost and gone? Hopefully not forever.

Whatever.

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2011-06-20T14:45:00.004-04:00

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Motivational Monday

2011-06-20T14:44:00.002-04:00

Today I am starting a new weekly feature called Motivational Monday. I'm going to list quotes, my plans for the week, and challenge you to do your very best. At the end of the week I will review & see how I've done. Hopefully some of your participate in this and we can all review together!

Here are some quotes to get you going this week!

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.
- William James

Determine never to be idle. No person will have occasion to complain of the want of time who never loses any. It is wonderful how much may be done if we are always doing.
- Thomas Jefferson

It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
- Franklin Roosevelt

I absolutely LOVE all three of these quotes. Definitely found some good ones today. Hope they lift your spirits and get you ready for another great week!

What are my plans for the week? Simple.
- No more fast food, even at the drive in. I don't mind splurging every now and then, but I want to go one full week without ANY fast food, just to prove I can do it.
- Drink nothing but water and drink LOTS of it. I always behave & follow this, except on the days I go to the drive in. I had maybe half a cup of soda from Andrew on Saturday night & I paid the price with a horrible migraine. I am NOT making that mistake again. After going almost 2 weeks with no soda & nothing but water, I ruined it & paid the price.
- Walk/Run 21 miles. It doesn't matter if it's from the Nordic Track, or from walking or running outside, I want to do this. Easy, 3 miles a day. I have been going above and beyond this lately, but I am trying a new system this week and seeing how it works for me.
- Implement my new system of 15 minutes of intense walking or running on the Nordic Track followed by 10 minutes of strength training. Repeat as many times as able. No more marathon walking without strength training included.
- Continue doing 100 crunches in a row each day.

Sounds easy enough, right? I'm not so worried about the physical aspect of these goals as much as I am worried about the food part. I am going to the drive in tonight, again, and also this weekend to see Cars. That's two more times the temptation will be there for soda and fast food & I will have to say no. It's not hard for me to say no, don't get me wrong, but I usually only pack a few things due to limited space in the car, and we're usually there from 6pm until 2am. That's a long time to just be snacking on fruits, veggies, etc. I give in because I get bored, and because my kids and Andrew are eating the stuff I miss.

New motivation idea: think of one thing I'd like to accomplish in the near future!
- Wear a dress & really OWN it, you know what I mean?

I think now would be a good time to list some things I've accomplished that I couldn't claim a few months ago. Since I've begun dieting and exercising, I have:
- had fewer than 5 panic attacks a month.
- have insane amounts of energy.
- really begun to reconnect with my friends & family in a healthy way. My attitude is totally different!
- not had a real argument with my boyfriend in over a MONTH. This is a record, we have always been a bit rocky. I can't believe how much more healthy and happy our relationship is now vs. even just a few weeks back!
- accomplished things I didn't think I could, like doing 100 crunches straight, alternating between walking and running 10 miles straight, etc.
- dropped almost 3 full dress sizes!
- lost somewhere around 20 inches from all over my body.

I think I've deserved a pat on the back, don't you?

What are some of YOUR goals for the week? Share them here and I will call you out on it later in the week to see if you measured up!