My Heart

Of Flashing Lights and Stars

2011-11-29T10:23:00.001-08:00

I bobbed my head and tapped my foot to the beat of the music as I unashamedly busted a few moves on the dance floor of my heart. Not that I'm extraordinarily good at dancing, but there are some days that my feet just won't stay still, and tend to break into spontaneous flailing. As my arms followed my legs example, I couldn't hold back a grin. I probably looked ridiculous. Not that I cared right now. With a final flourish, the song ended and I told my feet that play time was over.

Sweaty, messy and happy, I flopped back into a comfy chair to catch my breath. Out of the corner of my eye, something caught my attention. I raised an eyebrow and turned my head to investigate. There was a flicker of light in the distance. Entranced, I stood up and made my way towards it. The closer I got, the darker it seemed to get, and the more lights began to pop up in the distance. I stopped, unsure. I glanced back towards my comfy chair and dance floor where everything still appeared bright and sunny. I knew I should probably go back... but I'd never seen this kind of thing in my heart before, and was curious.

So with a shrug and quick promise to myself that I wouldn't go too far I set off to inspect. I gingerly approached the first light. When I reached it, I discovered there was nothing scary or nasty about it - it was simply a screen with a recipe for great pancakes on it. I licked my lips. Mmm... pancakes. I peeked around the screen to the one behind it. That one held a funny comic, so I walked up to it. I laughed heartily at the antics of the characters on the screen and began to proceed to the next screen in line. There were screens with my friends, screens with movies, screens that had all kinds of useful information, screens that had games to play - and I wanted to see all of them. I moved through them in wonder, soaking everything in.

While I was particularly engrossed in one screen, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I glanced behind me to see Jesus standing there, clad in his usual blue jeans, t-shirt and wavy brown hair.

"Hey Shalene." he said

"Oh, hey." I replied, going back to my screen

"I have something to show you." he told me as I giggled at the characters on screen

"Can it wait?" I asked "I'm kinda in the middle of something here."

"I suppose... when will you be done?"

"Soon, don't worry. I'll come right away."

"Okay, see you soon." he said as he walked away and disappeared in the sea of screens.

My show finished, and I looked around for Jesus. As I began to go searching for him, another screen caught my eye. I stopped to look and admire, and was soon engrossed. When I finally remembered what I had been doing before, quite a lot of time had passed. I turned from the screen, and began again to search for the lover of my soul. When I couldn't find Him among the screens, I thought maybe I could find him back on the dance floor or by the stream. I started to head out, but suddenly stopped. Which way was out? I was surrounded by screens flickering in the dark, seducing me with their swirling colors and tantalizing words, and for the first time I began to see what was really on them - lust portrayed as love, violence as a game, superficial items as needs, scantily clad photoshopped bodies as beauty. On and on it went, blatantly opposing everything Jesus had ever taught and showed me - and the vast majority of it hiding behind a thin mask of being helpful, useful and innocent.

Disgusted, I picked a direction and began to run. But the twisted passages of the screens were like a gigantic maze that I couldn't navigate. I finally came across an open area with large circle of screens. They towered above me, screaming their lies of lust and greed at me, growing louder and louder. Then their yelling suddenly faded, and Jesus stepped out from behind a particularly large screen and stood silently before me in the flickering light. As our eyes met, I saw the sorrow and pain in His, and my heart broke. I ran up to Him and threw my arms around His neck.

"Make them go away" I whispered

"That's something you have to do for yourself." He whispered back

"How? They're everywhere!"

Jesus moved my arms from around His neck and pointed. I followed his hand and saw a large switch labeled ON and OFF. I immediately moved towards it, but as I wrapped my hands around it, and was about to pull, All the screens simultaneously began blaring my favorite shows, websites, products, and music. My resolve wavered. I looked back to Jesus.

"It's your choice." He said gently

I grasped the switch with both hands, closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Then I pulled. Everything went dark. I turned back towards Jesus. He was a dark outline among the now silent screens. I walked up to Him, and He took my hand.

"I have something to show you." He whispered "I made them just for you."

"What is it?" I asked

He pointed up towards the sky where millions of stars shone and danced on their black canvas. I couldn't see them when the screens were on, and they took my breath away. I laid down and admired them. Jesus laid down beside me, and began pointing out different constellations to me.

"You made all this for me?" I asked incredulously

"Yup. You like it?"

"I love it! Thanks!"

I snuggled into His arms happily and laid my head on His chest where I listened to the steady rhythm of His heartbeat.

"I love you." Jesus whispered

"I love you too." I whispered back

He gently kissed the top of my head as we both closed our eyes and fell asleep under the stars that He had made just for me.

Of Dark Days and the Lighting of Them

2011-11-21T09:09:00.000-08:00

I fell to my knees in despair and screamed at the top of my lungs. I was surrounded by nothing but darkness, cold, and silence. I threw my hands in front of my face, hoping and praying I'd find something to let me know where I was, but they landed only on empty air. Tears flooded my eyes as I screamed again. I gasped, suddenly unable to catch my breath as the darkness pressed closer and tighter, winding it's way around my body and into my lungs. I clawed at the ground, and slowly began to move forward, but soon collapsed, barely able to breathe.

A barely discernible whisper began to float through the air, echoing eerily in the blackness around me. Between ragged breaths, I attempted to clear the fog of my mind and listen. A small wisp of breath brushed by my ear

This isn't worth it it hissed

I jerked my head in the direction of the voice, trying desperately to see through the darkness.

Just give it up

I slammed my hands against my ears. I recognized this voice - and it wasn't my beloved Creators.

It was only a few days earlier that I had been relaxing happily under the sunny sky's of my heart. When I noticed the sun beginning to dim, I knew a dark time was coming, and began my efforts to avoid it. I ran through my lists of all the reasons I had to be thankful and happy, I ate my favorite food, did my favorite activities, saw my favorite people - but still the sun grew fainter, and the darkness slowly wound and crept its way into my heart. I watched in agony as the last ray of sun was squeezed from my heart, and I was left utterly alone.

"I know it's you..." I whispered back to the voice that glided past my ear. "And you're wrong - my life is worth it. I have people who love me, and I love them."

Instantly, and unbidden, memories and words flooded my mind of all the times my loved ones had let me down, not been there, and had acted unloving towards me.

My heart broke. I tried desperately to recall the reasons I loved them, and why I wanted to be with them for the rest of my life, but couldn't break through the fog that was numbing my mind.

Faintly through the darkness and the fog I heard Andrews voice calling my name. I tried to call back, but my throat closed up as if someone had clamped a hand around my neck. I longed desperately for him to find me and rescue me, and tried again to call out, only to be silenced once more.

The seconds and minutes dragged by, each a struggle to fight the darkness that was whispering anger, bitterness and lies into my mind and heart. Each word was an emotional blow. I couldn't tell now how long I'd been in the dark. I was so tired - so battered and sore. Maybe the voice was right... maybe it would be better to just let go... I closed my eyes and felt myself slipping beneath the waves of the darkness, and giving in to its despair, anger and bitterness. It was so much easier to not fight it...

"Enough."came a gentle, clear voice "She is mine."

A ray of light broke through the fog and a strong arm grasped me and began to pull me from the waves. With a hiss the darkness slowly and reluctantly began to recede.

With what little strength I had left, I opened my eyes. I dimly saw the face of the one I love more than anyone on earth

"Jesus..." I breathed

"Don't worry, it's over. I have you now." He cradled me in His arms protectively.

"What happened?"

"I allowed the darkness in to test and grow you."

"Did I do alright?" I whispered

"You did wonderfully. We'll talk more about it later. Now rest."

Exhausted I buried my face in His chest and collapsed. When I woke up, I was still in His arms, now surrounded by friends and family

"Are you okay?" they asked "We've been praying for you."

"I'm fine now." I replied "Thank you."

I noticed that the sun over my heart was shining again. It was still a bit dim, but growing brighter by the minute. I could see the streams and fields again, and feel the warm breeze play with my hair. I stood and began hugging those around me, immensely grateful for all the people who love and care for me.

When I looked back towards Jesus, I saw that he had laid out a marvelous picnic. I love picnics! So we all sat down with laughter and smiles and began to eat. I caught Jesus eye from across the blanket. He smiled at me, His eyes twinkling with laughter and love. I knew deep down that this wasn't the last time the darkness would try and overcome me, but I also knew I'd never be left alone. Jesus would always be right there to rescue me when my strength ran out, while my friends and family could always be counted on to cover me in prayer and support me. I scooted closer to Andrew and offered him some of my cookie. He smiled at me and took a bite.

"Good to have you back." He said

"Good to be back" I replied.

Of Holes and the Filling of Them.

2011-10-17T10:07:00.000-07:00

I was wandering about in my head one day, picking at the big ball of tangled emotions that lives there, and trying again to unravel its stubborn knots and figure out why I had been feeling so depressed and angry lately. As usual, everything was connected to everything else, and there was no way to even begin undoing it all. It was one of those days where I really didn't like being a girl. It's such a complicated gender to be. After trying in vain for a few days to unravel it all, and feeling more frustrated than when I started (and no further ahead), I decided to leave my big knotted ball, and go poking about in the other corners of my mind and heart for answers. Much to my surprise, I quickly discovered a large hole.

Now how in the world did that get there? I thought to myself. I remembered there being a bit of a crack coming a while ago, but had figured at the time that it would resolve itself. Apparently not.

Obviously the hole wasn't supposed to be there, and simply could not stay. I'd have to find something to fill it with. I immediately went about, attempting to find something to fill the gaping chasm. Nothing fit - not even my fairly large ball of twisted emotions. (which was getting more and more tangled by the day) I sat down in defeat. I glared at the hole, and was surprised to see it was in the shape of a heart. Of course! That was my answer! I needed to fill that hole with love! With a start, I ran off to grab the love of my life, and show him the hole. But after some futile attempts to have him fill my hole, I realized that no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't. And then I was angry. It's his job as my husband to love me and fill my holes. I thought bitterly. He's not doing it very well.

I sat down next to my big ball, dangled my feet into the gaping hole and began to cry. If the person who loves me more than anyone on this earth couldn't fix my hole, then who could? It was all rather hopeless. As I was wallowing in self pity, anger and bitterness, I felt a gentle arm wrap around my shoulder and a soft hand wipe away my tears as I was joined by Jesus who sat down and dangled His feet in the hole with me.

"What's wrong?" He asked

"Obviously, this hole!" I managed through my sobs

"I see" He replied as He surveyed my hole thoughtfully "It's a pretty big hole. Have you tried filling it?"

"Of course!" I choked "Why'd you have me marry Andrew if his love isn't big enough to fill my holes? It's not fair."

"You know sweetie" He replied gently "Andrew is only a man, and will never be able to fill any of your holes."

"Well that's just perfect." I grumbled "I married someone who can't do their job properly."

"Well that's not very nice"

"I know, I'm sorry... but that's how I feel"

After a short pause of me sniffling and trying to regain some composure, I felt a gentle squeeze

"You know," He said "I love you way more than Andrew is ever capable of."

Something in the way He said that let me know that there was something He wanted me to figure out. I looked up at Him, and He raised an eyebrow at me. I caught a sparkle in His eye as I repeated back in my head what He had just told me

I love you way more than Andrew is ever capable of

It began to dawn on me, and a question popped into my head

"Can... can YOU fill my hole?"

A loving chuckle was my reply

"You can fill my hole!" I exclaimed.

"You should know that by now." He said with a smile. "Filling holes is one of my specialties."

"Then why did you let this hole get here in the first place?" I queried

"Well, when you got married, you stopped looking to me to fill your holes and make you happy. You gave Andrew that place in your heart, so I thought I'd let him give it a try and see how he did. He put a really good effort in - one of the best I've seen in a while. Guess it just wasn't enough though."

"I guess not."

We sat in silence for a while.

"Hey Jesus?"

"Yes Shalene?"

"I'm sorry... You know, for ditching you like that."

"It's okay, you came back - which is the important part."

"Will you please fill my hole?"

"Already have."

I looked down in surprise to see that it was no longer a hole that we were dangling our feet in, but a cool, clear stream. It bubbled and gurgled happily as it bounced it's way through my heart.

I smiled as Jesus stood up and handed me a small, neatly wrapped ball of yarn. I recognized my ball of emotions.

"Hey! You got it untangled! And so small! How'd you do that?"

"Oh, I just have a knack for untangling things." He replied

"Thanks." I said gratefully

"You're welcome. You should have me over more often - it won't get as big then"

I nodded.

"Love you" He said as He kissed my forehead

"Love you too" I replied as He waved goodbye and walked away whistling.

I looked down at my now manageable ball, and sighed happily as I splashed my feet in the stream.

"You look happy today." came Andrews voice from behind me. He came and sat down, giving me a kiss on the cheek.

"Yes..." I said back with a smile as I put my ball aside and hugged him. "Yes, I'm very happy now."