Simply Complicated

Showing Up

2015-12-03T08:24:00.000-06:00

Day in and day out, our officers are scorned for wearing their uniform, and yet they show up. They’re damned for both doing, and not doing, their jobs. As I watched hundreds of officers gather for a funeral, it dawned on me that here, surrounded by each other, is how it’s supposed to feel. You look around and everyone has body armor on. Everyone has to hold their arms weird when they walk because they have so much stuff on their belt. A dog leash creatively wrapped around the waist. The second set of car keys draped over the radio. No one looked around that day with disdain. This day, everyone hurt, and everyone showed up. Because that’s what cops do. They show up.

A chillingly beautiful display of respect, that’s what a law enforcement funeral and procession is. It’s a special community, these guys and gals. You hear them refer to each other as brothers. And that’s what they are. And it’s a magnificent thing to see. They come from everywhere to support each other and to support each other’s families. In a family like this, each loss is personal. You sit in a pew feeling the pain of loss. What if it was your officer that was taken. What if your K9 partner was the one left behind, just slightly confused about where his master is and why he isn’t the one holding his leash anymore. What if you were burying someone that you worked alongside of everyday. What if it was your wife sitting in that first pew, so proud and so broken. What if your kids had to grow up missing their daddy. What if the last call was your number. So they show up. Each of them consider the other, one of their own. And they stand, stoic and stern while tears fall silently, saluting a fallen brother as he is laid to rest.

And then you go home, you get called, and you show up. Shift work, overtime, holidays, sleepless nights and sleepless days. Missing church, bedtime, birthdays, dates, and usually supper. Grateful. Yes, grateful. Grateful for the ability to answer that call. Grateful to come home when it’s over. Grateful to squeeze your loved ones, even if they’re already sleeping when you get home. Grateful to wake up and do it all over again tomorrow. Because you can. And when someone no longer can, you show up for them. You show up for their family. Because that’s what cops do, they show up.

2014-03-16T22:55:00.000-05:00

I'm driving with Allie one evening and her question from the backseat was: "Mom, do you have your own Bible? If you don't you can borrow one of mine."

Every time I replay that question in my mind my eyes fill with tears. I have never felt such utter failure. I have never felt such disappointment in myself. There wasn't much to say other than Yes. She's a child.... She sees everything. She hears everything. She remembers everything. She soaks everything up like a sponge. You can't make excuses to a child. If I told Allie that "I just don't have time to read" she would immediately point out what I do have time for, and the list would be long and humbling. Or she would offer to sit next to me and read her Bible while I read mine. Or she would ask me to read it to her so we could read together.

Why don't I do this? I put so much time and effort into providing healthy food for my family. I put time and effort into exercising and talking about the importance of excercise. I put time and effort into teaching, and learning. I put time and effort into friendships. I put time and effort into church.

Why don't I put time and effort into God?

I know I am making myself vulnerable by sharing this. I know I am opening myself up for judgement. But something about that question was like being doused in ice water. It came out of nowhere. It got my attention. I don't want it to happen again.

Simplify

2014-03-12T13:18:00.000-05:00

I let life get complicated:

3 kids and home schooling
2 dogs and a new puppy on the way
Moving houses 3 years in a row
Shift changes at work
Starting small side-businesses

When I write it it doesn't necessary sound like much, but in the day-to-day I feel myself stretched thinner and thinner. In the day-to-day I see myself doing many things but doing none of them well. It's time to buckle down. What is really important in life. What matters in the long run. These are the things to focus on. This is how you simplify the complications of life.

What matters is the hug my daughter gives me if I slow down long enough to let her grab ahold of me.

What matters is the cheeky grin I see on my toddler if I stop to watch him as he pages through books.

What matters is snuggles my wild child will give me if I sit down and pull him into my lap and hold him close.

What matters is the kiss the husband will give me when he gets home from work if I set aside what I am doing long enough to greet him.

How much does everything else matter if we miss our loved ones right in front of us. I can't get today back. I'm determined not to let it slip by unnoticed.

A Day in the Life. Sometimes.

2012-01-17T19:22:00.009-06:00

December 2005

A typical day. I worked till 5:00, went for a run, ate supper by myself, and did whatever I did before I had children as I waited for my husband to get home anytime after 10:30.

A typical night. Phone rings around 9:30, the husband asking if I wanted him to pick anything up on his way home tonight.

10:45.

11:00.

Strange, it seemed he was planning to be on time tonight. Guess I'll turn the scanner on and see if anything interesting is going on.

Ok, lots of radio traffic. Perimeters set up? Lots of codes that I was unfamiliar with, but it was clear that something big was happening. I settled into the couch and listened to everything, trying to figure out what was going on. I had clearly missed the initial call, but maybe I could figure out what was going on by listening to the follow up.

By 2 or 3 am I was worried sick as I dozed on the couch. Clearly something was wrong. Very wrong. When my phone wrang I answered it anxiously.

"It's me. I can't talk. I was involved in a shooting. I'm ok. I shot the guy. I'm going to be a while." Click.

I was unaware of what the past few hours were like for my husband. I was unaware of what he would be going through now. But I know that time seemed to freeze for me at that moment. Does this really happen to people 3 months into a career as a police officer? Yes I know you train and prepare for this, but you actually were in this situation already? What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to say? Can I talk to anyone? I feel like I need to. What do I say? Am I allowed to say anything?

I called my parents. "My husband was involved in a shooting, I have no details but I called because I know you'll pray for us"

I called his parents. "Your son was involved in a shooting. I have no details, but I called because I know you'll pray for us."

A few hours later the front door finally opened. I was briefly given a few details:

"The car I took cover behind has 11 bullet holes in it. He shot at us probably 40 times before anyone could get a shot at him. I was finally able to get a shot. He's dead. I'm tired. Let's go to bed."

And so we did. Him asleep instantly. Me laying there picturing my husband being shot at.
Me filled with anger that someone would shoot at him and the other officers.
Me filled with relief that he was now home sleeping safely by me.
Me thankful that the 'bad guy' got what he deserved (I'm just being honest).
Me filled with pride that my husband did what he needed to do.

In the Line of Duty

2011-10-14T14:30:00.007-05:00

Today my husband pulled out some paperwork that he wanted to fill out together. It's labeled confidential and will be put in his file at work in the case of his death in the line of duty.

Not exactly what I want to think about on a random Friday afternoon. And yet it is the thing I find myself randomly thinking about on nights that I allow myself to worry. There are nights I lie awake and think about what it would be like to have my doorbell ring in notification of my husband's death. I try not to let myself go down that path of thinking, and yet here these papers sit on my kitchen table demanding me to think about it. I feel like they are screaming at me "Look! This might happen to your husband when he goes to work tonight!" Not where I like to let my mind wander. Naturally I couldn't get through the questions and answers without tears. What starts out as hypothetical thinking all of a sudden starts to feel like planning.

But I plan on that envelope never being openned.

I pray that envelope is never opened.

In fact, I hope when he retires they give him that sealed envelope so I can put it through the shredder.

'Funny' Story

2011-09-22T08:16:00.001-05:00

Once upon a time a husband brought home some little green peppers for his wife. The wife knew they were jalepeno peppers so they sat on the counter for a few days because she didn't know what to do with them. One day the husband told her - "those are bell peppers"

No, they sure didn't look like bell peppers. They looked like jalepenos.

They argued back a forth a little and then the wife finally conceded that maybe they were a different strand of bell peppers... since her husband brought them home, he should know!

The day came when the wife had so many tomatoes, and too much salsa already, so she decided to make spagetti sauce. She found a recipe and had all the ingredients on hand so went to town processing the tomatoes and adding all the spices. The recipe called for a bit of sweet red pepper, which she had. And why not add some green bell pepper too?

So she chopped up the peppers and cooked down the sauce. It finally came time for the taste test - it sure looked and smelled good!

HOT! Spicy spagetti sauce? She wondered what spice would make it so spicy. Oregano? Certainly not basil. Hmmmm, well she added a little sugar. Still spicy. She was pretty certain her daughter would not eat this sauce. Bummer. This was a lot of work!

Well the sauce was bagged up and put in the freezer, since all the canning jars were full of the million apples her husband also brought her.

A short time later the wife noticed her hand starting to burn. The feeling intensified and she immediately knew: those WERE jalepeno peppers!!!

Anyone want to come over for spagetti?

I Married a Cop

2011-08-10T07:59:00.001-05:00

Ok so really I didn't marry a cop. I married a guy that I went to youth group with. We played basketball together. We went fishing together. We went running together. We drove around aimlessly. We sat and talked. We hung out with each others' families.

Then we got married.

We both worked 8-5. We got a dog. We took turns walking her every morning. We helped with youth group. We got together with friends to play cards in the evenings. We got together with friends and played basketball. We went water skiing at least once a week. We stayed up late watching tv. We slept in saturday mornings. We thought about buying a house.

But something was missing. We didn't want that for our whole life. So we moved. My husband went to school. I worked two jobs and gave plasma to make ends meets. We job hunted. We had no ties to live in a certain place so applications went everywhere. My husband got a job. We moved again.

We bought a house. We had a kid. We had another kid. No more 8-5. No more weekends. No more tv together. No more sleeping together. Sometimes a meal together. Lots of cancelled dates. I feel like a single mom most times.

I didn't marry a cop. But I am now married to a cop.

That's how I feel today. Sometimes I wonder what it was we thought was missing? Why did we give up a perfectly simple life for this? Did we lose more than we gained?

But I can't picture my husband doing anything but this now. It's his job, and it's our way of life. It's not easy. Sometimes I think "this is NOT what I signed up for." It isn't. This isn't what life was predicted to look like. But it's our life. We've chosen it for our life.

But I need my husband to know: I married you before you were a cop. I loved you before you were a cop. I love you now as a cop. But I love who you are as a man. You are more than a cop. You are an amazing husband and father, and that's what really matters in life. Right?

Bad Girl, Bad Girl Whatcha Gonna Do

2011-07-21T17:16:00.002-05:00

"You're going to jail" the police officer said.
"But I just want a ticket" pleaded the girl.
"I'm taking you to jail" repeated the officer firmly.
"No, a ticket!" the girl exclaimed.

And with that the tiny brunette placed a hand on the police officer's chest and shoved him violently. As he fell backward in shock the girl stomped one foot and ran screaming away from the attempted arrest.

The boy picked himself up and looked toward the girl, face buried in the couch in an attempt to hide.
"I'm sorry Allie, I'm just pretending."

Apparently the dress-up cop outfit on her friend was a little too much for Allie to handle.

That or she's being charged with resisting arrest and battery to an officer.

My daughter - charged with a felony at the age of four.

Holding Hands with Jesus

2011-07-12T14:05:00.002-05:00

One of Allie's favorite places to ask deep questions and explore her thoughts on life are in the car. About a week ago as we were driving she randomly says, "God didn't make the whole world in 7 days." To which I said that yes, He did. We went back and forth a little because she was adamant that it was just Too Much stuff and God would get tired, sweaty, and need a nap.... a perfect opportunity to talk about how awesome and amazing God is. And He did rest - on day #7!!!

That day we also talked about the Holy Spirit, and my hesitancy to explore these deeper, more complicated spiritual topics were again received and contemplated and explored by my daughter's inquisitive mind. I love that she questions things to no end, until she is satisfied that she understands and can accept the answer. And on the other hand accepts some things so matter-of-factly without questioning them. She is a girl who is going to know what she believes, why she believes and Who she believes.

That day when we got home she asked me as I pulled the car into the driveway if we could sit and "chat for a while." Of course! So she crawled into the passenger seat and there we sat chatting about God and heaven. We talk a lot about heaven - Allie is full of questions and thoughts as she knows that heaven is where her baby sister is waiting for her. Anyway on this day Allie wanted to pray, so that she could go to heaven too. I was honored to be there with her as she prayed:

Dear Jesus,
Please come stay in my heart forever.
I believe in You Jesus.
I want You to help me make good choices.
I want my whole family to know You too so that we can all live in heaven some day.
I want to see You in heaven.
I want to hold my baby sister in heaven.
I love you so much Jesus.
Amen

What an awesome day as a parent! I am so thrilled that Allie has made this decision!

Just this morning Allie was tucking her face into the neck of her shirt and whispering, I asked her what she was doing: she was talking to Jesus.
Later she was sitting in a chair with her hand over her heart, I asked her what she was doing: she was holding hands with Jesus.

I understand why children are so special to Jesus. How can you not be touched by their sincere and genuine love. I'm so glad Jesus loves my little girl and has chosen her to love Him like she does!!!

Off Duty

2011-07-11T08:07:00.002-05:00

I know my husband doesn't like it when I say I can't wait for this dog to retire - but seriously look at this! It's crazy to think that the one thing this dog loves more than ANYthing is biting people!

Don't be a Bad Guy

2011-07-09T21:12:00.001-05:00

The following was received as a forwarded email, so I do not know who to credit the writing too. But I think that those of us connected with law enforcement/military will find this very good. In all honesty, I love how blunt this writing is and I support it one hundred percent.

-----------------------------------------------------

1% of the population serves in the military.

Another 1% or so serves as police officers.

Everyone else falls into either of two categories:

1) People who support them.

2) People who judge them.

The key difference between these two groups is a sense of accountability and justice. How a suspect shooting at a cop deserves anything other than “early retirement” I will never understand, but yet many Americans feel sorry for these would-be murderers. Don’t think these people exist? Just grab the remote and plop down in front of the news and you’ll hear it: “Suspect shot by police 23 times after man fired round.” “Troops kill seven insurgents, but local man believes men could have been taken with less bloodshed.”

Apparently, getting shot 23 times is a crueler way to die than getting shot twice. Oh wait, I almost forgot, these people expect us to “shoot to wound” the bad guys so they can get a fair trial, so dead shouldn’t even be in the vernacular. Maybe we should just go Nerf in Afghanistan and Laser Tag in NYC?

Hmmm…on second thought, we’ll just provide some advice. Bad guys, here are some surefire (heh, heh) ways of not getting shot:

1) Don’t shoot at the good guys.

2) Don’t menacingly wave any weapon at the good guys.

3) Don’t menacingly charge the good guys.

4) Don’t be a bad guy.

If you follow these 4 simple rules, there is a 99.99% chance you will go through your life without getting shot in the face. However, if you opt to drift from these guidelines, your chances of turning into pink mist increase significantly. It’s not that we want to shoot you, but given the choice between us, our friends, or you meeting the Big Ranger in the Sky, it’s gonna be you every single day and twice on Sunday.

Gentlemen and ladies serving abroad or at home on our streets: When in Doubt, Empty the Magazine.

I'll Tell You When You're Older

2011-07-08T07:33:00.001-05:00

My daughter has brought me to tears a lot lately. Via laughter. She asks questions about everything and wants to know everything about everything. If she doesn't like the answer she'll debate it with you - right now she argues that God did NOT make the entire world in 7 days - that is just too much stuff and he would get tired and sweaty and need a nap. Makes no difference that God is amazing and He did take a rest, on day number 7. In Allie's mind - no way not possible. She also thinks God makes flashlights (and all of her toys - He did make Everything, you know...)

The other day folding laundry she asked why daddy had "pockets in his underwear" and just thinks it's the neatest thing that he has pockets in his underwear. "Just because" is not an acceptable answer. I can't remember how that question was handled...something about the pockets being for very special things LOL.

Last night my husband was unclogging the bathroom sink drain (fun job I know) and I hear him yell that there's a full piece of gum in there. Allie comes running out of the bathroom to tell me that she apparently spit her gum out in the sink. Oh really Allie, was it you?!

Then she started digging through all the contents pulled out from under the sink. Naturally she came across some feminine hygiene products (I did just have a kid you know) and she totes out a package to ask me what it is. She's looking at the picture on the front asking all kinds of questions beginning with "are they for..." as I sit in tears of laughter saying "Nope. Nope. Nope." it was clear she was going to keep guessing (and she was getting very creative with her guesses) so finally I drew a close to the fun and laughter by telling her I would tell her when she was older. And not before.

I can't wait to see if she'll remember that conversation when she is older. Because I guarantee we will laugh again just as hard. Sometimes I have to tell her to just enjoy being 4, soon enough you'll be grown up and know all these things.

Walk of Shame

2011-07-04T22:42:00.003-05:00

I don't know if it was the supernaturally loud toot Calvin worked out during the sermon, or my uncontrollable giggles that got us shooed out of church yesterday. Or maybe it's because it happened twice. They do ask you to keep your children quiet and if they become distracting to others to please remove them from the service. I guess the fact that all the heads I could see were turned in our direction qualifies as a distraction. The usher didn't come and ask us to leave. The preacher didn't call us out from the pulpit and asked us to remove ourselves. It was my husband making the not-so-subtle gestures for me to get up and leave, his sister was making them too. So I did. I made the walk of shame, removing myself and my distracting child from church. It's definitely not the first time we've been removed, but it is the first time we've been removed for that reason.

Work Hard Play Hard

2011-07-02T14:39:00.002-05:00

This K9 works hard. He lives to work. But when he's not working, he loves to play.

It is rare we find a dog "willing" to play with him though. I was asked if the little dog realized she was 1/8 his size.... Nope! But he doesn't seem to realize it either. That or he just doesn't care. As long as he can Play! Play! Play!

Hot Hot Hot

2011-07-01T15:38:00.001-05:00

Allie's first summer she got heat stroke. I didn't realize how traumatic the experience was for me until yesterday. We took Allie swimming from 6-7:30pm. It was still uncomfortably warm, but Calvin and I sat in the shade. In a split second he went from content to cranky. I just about had a panic attack because everything started to feel like I was reliving my experience with Allie. I know I was overreacting because I was being careful, safe and preventative with Calvin. But after being outside that long I knew we had reached his limit of tolerance and he was hot and fussy. I needed to put him back in his car seat (which was warm from being in the car). He was still screaming. I started to cry. I started worrying that I overdid it with another child. My emotions just spiraled as I remembered in detail holding Allie as she went from crying, to vomiting, to lethargic as her vomiting turned to dry heaving. I felt the panic of being home alone (not in my own house) and not being able to get ahold of anyone because there was no cell service. I remember how weird it was to dial 911 for the first time in my life and wait for an ambulance for my little girl. And the relief when I realized that my husband had gotten my voicemail when he met us at the hospital 20 minutes away. All things I never want to repeat. Ever.

I just can't shake that fear, and although I don't believe I'm paranoid, I'm definitely on the cautious side when it comes to heat with my children. I now know that Allie IS very sensitive to the heat. And I will choose to assume that Calvin is as well.

Happy Birthday Dear Husband

2011-06-30T09:25:00.005-05:00

It seems only fitting that I work my tail off with one child "helping" and the other vying for my attention in order to finish this cake so my husband can take it to work with him to share with the guys.... only to have him receive a phone call 5 minutes before work where he had to literally run out the door leaving the cake behind. Ironic.

"I'll be back for it" he says over his shoulder.
Of course you will, but how long do I wait up for your return?
Luckily it wasn't too long and he returned to pick up the cake.

Happy Birthday husband - Love you tons!

Sometimes You Just Can't Resist

2011-06-27T21:15:00.003-05:00

It's mid afternoon on a very very hot, humid day.

A woman wearing very very short jean shorts, high heels, a tube top covered by a shirt tied up above her belly, nasty nasty teeth, (ok you get the picture, right) walks by a cop in full uniform and comments "I'd hate to be wearing that."

To which the cop quickly replies "I'd hate to be wearing that."

Dang I love my husband!

I Can't Hear You!

2011-06-25T13:34:00.001-05:00

When baby boy is mad, he screams. I'm not sure where he got that from.

Needless to say there are a lot of times when Allie is trying to talk to me and I have to say, "I'm sorry, I can't hear you."

This is her latest.

I guess she doesn't want to hear him. Or is it me?

Life Happens

2011-06-24T14:49:00.004-05:00

Two months ago:

- we welcomed Calvin into our lives!
- while we were in the hospital there was a shooting in our town and one of my husband's co-workers (and family friend) was shot in the line of duty. (not fatal, thank God)
- too many emotions to even go through and unpack, kind of a bummer I need to stay anonymous and can't share details.

Currently:

- Calvin is 2 months old!
- Calvin is smiling
- my chunky monkey weighs 12 lbs 2 oz and is 23.5 inches long!!!

- we've seen Allie thrive in the roll of big sister. Her little brother can do no wrong and she is my big helper.
- having 2 children fills our home with more love, joy and happiness than I ever thought possible.

- my husband enjoyed a much-needed break from work and I'm thankful he is allowed to use sick leave as "paternity leave."
- time off went waaay too fast!
- he is now back to work and it's been busier than ever and third shift will probably come to an end in our household at the end of the year.

- I feel completely recovered from my c-section and am thoroughly enjoying running again.
- wishing my body felt as ready as my mind does though! Taking it very slow...
- hoping to run a half marathon in October, time will tell

- our whole family is looking forward to our first family vacation as we have an extended family reunion in August.
- this vacation will involve driving 1000 miles each way with a 3 month old and a 4-year-old...

- I'm looking at all my empty canning jars and Can't Wait to fill them again this summer/fall.
- also this summer I'll be making/freezing baby food with fresh fruit/veggies - can't wait!

- our wounded officer has had 3 surgeries and is expected to be back at work sometime in August.
- it's tough to see a friend go through something like this.
- it's tough knowing it could have been, and could be any of our men.
- I still don't like that my husband has to wear a bullet proof vest and carry a gun to work - and rely on both too often.
- I pray extra hard for the men and women willing to do this for our safety (please join me!)

I really should blog more...

2011-06-24T14:10:00.004-05:00

I guess I can post from my phone. Haven't tried that before - may open up the door for me to actually blog again! I find that I rarely (ok like twice in the last 2 months...) turn on our actual computer. I keep up with my emails and Facebook on my phone. I read blogs on my phone. Why not blog from my phone too?

Guess I'll give it a shot.... I miss blogging and I think about it. It just doesn't happen and I'm ok with the way I've prioritized my time. But maybe this is a way to make it happen a little more frequently :-).

Time will tell.

Forgetful Mom

2011-04-28T14:57:00.002-05:00

Ok so I totally had a mommy blunder the other day...

My first outing away from the house happened to be without Calvin. Mommy, daddy and Allie went to visit a friend in the hospital to see their new baby and opted to leave a sleeping Calvin with Grandma. We stopped to pick up flowers and as the 3 of us stood there I filled out the card and signed it with our names... then proceeded to ask my husband if I should put the dogs' names on the card too (yes - they're part of our family!).

His answer: "maybe you should put Calvin on the card too"

Oh my! I leave the house and immediately forget that I have another child!

Welcome Calvin!!!

2011-04-26T18:51:00.002-05:00

Calvin

Born April 21, 2011

9:01 am via c-section

7 lbs 7 oz

20 inches

Proud big sister Allie!

I am excited to share his "birth story" and all the details, as well as some other happenings the last few days! But wanted to at least get it on here that HE's HERE and healthy and we are a happy family of FOUR now and loving every minute!

One More Day!

2011-04-20T08:30:00.002-05:00

Well tomorrow is the Big Day!!! We get to meet this little guy! Allie is beside herself with anticipation. She is just thrilled about this whole weekend. Two Grandma's visiting, meeting her baby brother, wearing an Easter dress to church Sunday, getting her Easter basket... the combination of all of it is about more excitement than she knows what to do with!

I cannot wait to experience the moment where she sees her brother for the first time. She's referred to herself as a "big sister" for so long now... but to experience it in a tangible way will be so incredible for her. I get goosebumps just thinking about it!

I am definitely more excited than nervous at this point! But I won't lie, there is definitely some anxiety for both my husband and myself. We are just ready to get the delivery part over and behind us... and have a healthy baby and a healthy mama!

We didn't anticipate any problems when Allie was born, but boy were we wrong! My last delivery experience involves vague snippets of memory: thinking I was going to die, lying unable to move and vomiting uncontrollably, catching glimpses of my husband beside himself with worry, hearing doctors and nurses and scramble around, begging for them to take my baby out so she wouldn't get sick, and sheer relief when they finally said it was time to get her out before things got worse. Preclampsia is a deep dark place when it gets out of control and medications take over. It was scary.

One thing that I remember so incredibly clear, is my husband sitting by my bed holding my hand and telling me that this will probably be our only child because he/we could never do this again. I agreed whole-heartedly.

It took about two years to allow the amnesia to take over a little and admit that with all the joy Allie has brought into our life - why wouldn't we want another child?!?!!! I know that what happened last time won't happen this time. But the knowledge that you just never know what will happen is what feeds into thoughts of anxiety.

But as the day draws near we are anticipating everything to go smooth. I will not allow myself to think about things any differently. We will deal with things as they come, but I will not borrow needless trouble by worrying about it! I am so excited for tomorrow! 9:00am! I will share the story and some pictures next time I find myself back here :-)

Mama Guilt

2011-04-19T08:19:00.004-05:00

Why can I never escape this? I've felt so motivated this whole pregnancy to get things ready and enjoy the last couple weeks chilling out with my Allie girl. Enjoying the last few days of her undivided attention... and giving her my undivided attention.

Why is it then that I find myself more irritated with everything than enjoying everything?

I find myself telling her she's being too loud, too wild, too crazy. No I don't want to play duck duck goose. Sure let's watch another movie. No I don't feel like doing a game right now. How about you color while I sit here and watch you. Ok daddy's up now you can play with him....

Ugh, I went to bed last night with major mama guilt and the reminder that I am going to miss these days sooooo much. My baby's growing up so fast, it won't be long before she's begging to go play with her other friends rather than play with me.

I think I'll still decline the offer of duck duck goose. But today I will sit down and color with her. I will hug her and squeeze her and kiss on her till she actually begs me to stop. That's what she loves. That what I love.

Names

2011-04-10T16:10:00.000-05:00

Since we decided to find out the gender of our baby boy at our ultrasound, and a c-section has been scheduled so we know his most-likely birthday - we decided not to share the name of our baby until he is born. Kind of fun to have something as a surprise!

This has brought quite a bit of frustration to Allie though. She's a little worried that his nickname "Dwight" (Yes, Dwight Schrute, The Office...) is going to stick. She severely dislikes the name Dwight. She has spent a lot of time attempting to help us come up with more positive names (positive in her mind anyway). The longest lasting name she was stuck on was Farkle. Yes, Farkle. Somehow that's better than Dwight. And if we don't like the name Farkle we can call him Peter as a nickname. She is such a hoot. Yesterday she decided she didn't like the name Farkle anymore. Now she calls him Baby Bug. I think it's cute - maybe it'll be her little name for him.

I am ever so curious what her reaction will be to his real name. And how we will all adjust to having a real name for him.... this poor child has been bombarded by "joke names" for quite a few months now!