If the shoe fits, you can call me Cinderella

OPPA GANGNAM!!!

2012-11-13T12:15:00.003+01:00

Why people like to dey find my mouth so, ehn?

Life stays giving me plenty gist for y'all without me even trying. Now that I think on it some more, not such a bad deal. Imagine if life were predictable? I'd cry myself to sleep every minute!!!

Anyhoo... Hello darlings!!! It's Tuesday, Yo!!!!! Friday night fever creeping into every pore I possess, makes me want to jump up on my desk and do the quick-step! (No, I don't do the "gangnam". Yet. I'm waiting for either Rih-Rih or Beyonce to "sexify" the dance. I've got an image to preserve. Then again, I saw Heidi do the Gangnam at the EMA’s and she’s as HOT as it gets so I have to learn that dance now, hehe!) Friday is still a couple of days away but don’t blame a girl for being optimistic.

E-hen, back to the gist I want to give you. I got home yesterday evening after a quick stop at Orela Grill to pick up my dinner (mashed potatoes and well-done steak), quickly parked the car and was running to the elevator when a neighbor (Adeola) stopped me and the following conversation ensued:

ADEOLA: "Chickito!!! Just a minute, jor. How now? (Who still says "chickito" btw?)"

ME: "I'm good, very tired though. Where's the fire? What's up? (This, in a very bored and impatient tone)

ADEOLA: "Fire ke? (Cackles) hahahaha. You and your humor ehn... You are very funny. There's no fire. You do look very tired. Pele oh, you hear? Sorry."

ME: "Thank you. What do you want oh, Adeola?"

ADEOLA: "Oh, Ah yes!! Ermm... Well, I met with some of the other women in the estate this afternoon over lunch."

Somehow she catches sight of my bag from Orela...

ADEOLA: "Ah! Orela!!! I like their food so much!!! (You like food, 'Deola. Simple!) Their steak is so juicy and well-spiced, makes me salivate even now. Is there enough for two there, by any chance?"

(Huh?!?!)

ME: "No Adeola, just enough for me. I didn't know I had to buy for the building as well as me. What did you want to talk about, nwanyi?! I'm tired and need to get to my apartment!"

ADEOLA: Oh, sorry jare, my dear. I tend to get distracted a lot. My husband is always complaining about it. So embarrassing, I tell you. No vex, you hear? Okay, so we all got together over lunch and we all talked about you."

(Like seriously, what's new?)

ADEOLA: "We are all fascinated by your fabulous body and we see you go out in your car every saturday morning dressed for sports. We were wondering if we could entice you into joining all of us on a neighborhood jog every saturday starting at 6am. You seem to be the pro. You could teach us a thing or two"

(FoodieNeighborBotheringMeSayWhatttt????)

Me, jog? These women have got to be kidding me!!! Hahahahahaha!!!! Laugh no gree me. I practically choked laughing. This was a hilarious moment. Me, JOG????

Suffice it to say, I politely convinced her that I'm not the best running mate they could have. Abeg, I cannot shout! Hahahahahahaha!!! This is me laughing in a mix of chinese and abiriba!!! Jog kor, crawl ni!!!

Okay, I'm off to actually get some work done to justify this month’s salary. I will be going to Sailors Lounge with some of my girls later this evening for FREEDOM HALL. Perfect evening to check out our LaS GiDi competition and drool over the hotties, but most importantly appreciate the arts!

Get out there, kiss someone random, drink some vodka... Have some fun!!

Bisous, XoXo

MIZ

The Reign of the "Tus", A Blog-Terview, A Blog Baton & A Grateful Miz!TOIN!!!!!!

2012-11-05T22:20:00.000+01:00

I have been away for far too long and I know this. Gosh, I missed gisting with you!!! That was one break too long!!!

Hi darlings!!!

Today has been quite hilarious through no fault of its own but for an odd quirk of fate and its insane sense of humor!
I met 4 guys at different times and in different places with the names: Sixtus, Quintus, Erastus, and wait for it... JUVENTUS!!!
Now let me describe them...

SIXTUS: Tall, fat, full facial beard, serious bow leg and pearly-white teeth.
QUINTUS: short, fat, bald head, droopy shoulders and slimy lips.
ERASTUS: short, reed-thin, bushy moustache, permed/ jerry-curled hair, beady eyes, thin smile.
JUVENTUS: tall, well-built, broad-shoulders, extra-large feet, Peter-rabbit teeth, K-legs, nice fingers, yellowing teeth with constant spittle flights... ermm... ewww???

Now close your eyes, imagine them individually. Then picture them cock-sure and arrogant except for Juventus whose shyness can save Africa and neighboring continents..
Definitely a day that had me laughing what with all 4 of them trying their hardest to hit on me. I guess this is an apology of sorts to them. I kept laughing and that was not fair, I think. hehehe

So, a baton was passed to me by Lisa Bouchard and I am to tell 11 random facts about me, answer 11 of her questions, then ask 11 other bloggers 11 questions.
Well, here goes:

11 Random Facts About Me
A) I am addicted to coffee (black/creamed)
B) I am a hopeful Romantic
C) I once owned a monkey my siblings and I named "Bobby"
D) I hate horror movies
E) I have some serious OCD
F) I love bananas and plantains
G) I have an incurable sweet tooth
H) I was considered a nerd in high school
I) I sometimes perform live shows to my stuffed animals and my pet "baby. I "sing" like Whitney, "dance" like Shakira, and of course, I applaud myself with a glass of champagne!
J) I have always believed in Labels/ Brands. they became that for a reason, after-all. So, if it isn't a Manolo Blahnik, forget it!! I won't do a plain Jane.
K) The only exercise I do is to clean my home but I have an active gym membership and I show up every saturday!!! money no go waste na!

There you have it!!! 11 random facts about moi!!! On to Lisa's questions, hehehe. Enjoy darlings!

What is the most expensive thing you’ve ever purchased that you didn’t need?
A: A power-bike
Where would you go in the event of a zombie apocalypse?
A: church! Lol
What is the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever named a pet?
A: Chuckles. I loved that dog of mine. It was so clumsy
Karaoke: fun bar experience or the demise of modern society?
A: absolutely fun experience!!! I sing like a toad with a bone stuck in its throat
Describe your ideal vacation.
A: white sand, blue seas, cool breezes, cocktails, large malls, bliss...
What’s your favorite thing to learn about and why?
A: I actually enjoy learning about nature. New things everyday that simply amaze me!
Heels or flats?
A: Definitely heels!! The higher the better.
What’s your favorite game?
A: Under-pressure/ Puzzles
How many books do you read in a year?
A: I keep reading. I never stop. No specific number
What is your favorite alcoholic drink?
A: I love my mojitos!!
Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
A: Closed. I have a walk-in closet and I do not like open doors while I sleep.

And on to MY questions that I will pass on to 11 bloggers...

1) What can freak you out absolutely?
2) Who do you consider the biggest fashion brand ever?
3) How would you describe your sense of humor?
4) What motivates you?
5) Knicker-briefs or thongs?
6) Politics/ Religion: which would you rather discuss for a heated argument?
7) What good deed have you done lately?
8) Are you a fun person? Seriously.
9) Are you emotionally expressive?
10) Are you bored yet?
11) What does your closet say about you?

Woo-hoo!!!! I cannot wait to see all the answers. I'm passing this baton to:

a) TOINLICIOUS
b) SHEILA SPEAKS
c) LOLA-X
d) BWNG
e) SISI YEMMIE
f) John Doe
g) Lady Ngo
h) Agirlshouldbetwothings
i) ROLEX RELEASE
j) Aeedeeaee
k) Miss pf

Bisous mi darlings,

XoXo,

MIZ

TAKE A BREATH... Meowwww!!!!!

2012-08-04T10:30:00.001+01:00

Hello Darlings!

Allow me to start this post with a huge disclaimer... I LOVE GARFIELD! I do and I say that freely with no streak of dishonesty. Who wouldn't? He hates Mondays, loves lasagne, hates exercise like I do, chooses what he wants to do and does not raise a finger to do what he doesn't and best of all... exists only in my TV!

That said, I am not a cat person. They freak me out! They have the cute ones like the Persians that can be adorable balls of fur, I know. With all that soft fur that they sometimes delight in rubbing all over your leg. I admit that. However, if you are a sincere Nigerian that has been witness to so many Nollywood movies depicting said cats as transformed human witches, you'd totally agree with my fear. I once saw a woman being chased transform into a cat while I was still in secondary school. If na you nko? You'd still cuddle them? I can't shout when it comes to cats oh! Especially all these "loki" cats all over Naija that are almost always colored black with devil-green eyes that steadily watch you (Mental shake-down), I just can't deal.

Anyway, the gist I'm about to give you is not even remotely funny. It was downright scary and I feared for my life. Truly.
I was invited to a party at Ilashe private beach with Ivy and her latest Naija bobo. Yes, she's in town again so life is one huge waka! Apparently he owns a beach house there and trust me to get all excited! Bikini, sunglasses, martini bianco and endless blue water... sighhhh

The show started as the boat started its cruise to Ilashe. I was having my own personal photo shoot with a willing guest as the photographer and of course he's male. In my bid to strike a pose I always see in magazines, I went to lean out over the rail on the upper deck of the boat and almost found myself in the water! One minute I had a tiny smile on my upturned lips and lowered eyelids with one leg slightly raised and the next minute, I felt the boat lurch as it hit a wave or something and I felt myself falling backward then forward again as my photographer quickly saved me from falling into the water and dying of fright!

Well, I decided to respect myself after that and go below deck to stay and forget about watching the water as we cruised. I quickly poured myself some brandy and started to read the novel I brought with me. I had not even read one line when I felt something soft brush against my leg and then the next instant, it was on my laps. I screamed!!! And in the process of screaming, choked on the brandy I had just tried to drink. I looked down and saw not one, not two, but three cats looking at me curiously with green eyes with one picking itself off the floor and glaring at me with a "meow" after I had unceremoniously dropped it on the floor in my haste to stand.

Then I was running with tears pouring down my face and fire burning down my throat and into my belly. Everybody ran down to see what was up and of course, I collided with them and we all fell in one big heap which gave one imperious cat the audacity to come lick my face. Oh My God... if anything, I screamed louder than ever before! Then the rest of the group realized what was freaking me out and started laughing at me rather loudly. I didn't find that funny one bit and demanded the boat turn around and drop me back at the jetty! Of course I did not get my wish. Their nerve!!

I had no choice but to go back up and sit with my legs raised. Anxiously looking around to be sure no cat came up to terrorise me as well as holding myself so rigid so I don't fall into the water for real. I wanted to cry, how could all this have been happening to ME???? I am the queen of elegance and poise. All in less than 30 minutes too! I was mortified and so grateful when the boat anchored at Ilashe. I could finally regain my dignity and try to have some fun which is exactly what I was doing when I joined Mina and Franque on the quad bike to ride across the beach. Mina and I sat by Franque's side and screamed at the top of our voices all the way. Franque was riding like he was competing in the Grand Prix... he was FASTTTT and I was loving it. We spurred him on to go even faster. The adrenaline rush was insane and we were laughing so hard!

Up until I found myself unceremoniously flying through the air and then rolling in the sand! No no no... not again! I picked myself up and through sand-filled eyes, saw Mina in the sand as well. This was good!!! I could not help it, I burst into wild laughter holding my sides and simultaneously trying to cough out the sand that had filled my mouth. I had it everywhere... in my mouth, my eyes, my hair, my body, in my bikini!!
Apparently Mina had tried to alert Franque to my fall and fallen off when he made a quick turn to come help me up. This cracked me up even more, I won't even lie. We got back on the bike and demanded some more of the fun but Franque insisted on taking us back to the beach house for a shower and a swim to wash away all the sand... as if! Spoil sport!!!

I did not realise what had happened for real till I got back home and could not raise my arm which I had used to brace my fall. My neck was stiff and I had bruises on my side, on my lips and just above it. Drat!!! Now THAT, was no fun I can guarantee you!
Thanks to that, I declined a beach picnic invite at Eleko from Somi for today. I dey craze? Them send them? Kilode?!

Bisous darlings,

MIZ

I don't Know What You Heard

2012-05-31T09:48:00.000+01:00

My post title reminds me of 50 Cents song : "I don't know what you heard about me, but no binsh ain't get no dollar outta me..."

Now, I am no dude but no way I'm letting myself become a classic Mumu for some babe "Oloun maje!" I don't live in Lagos to count bridges and refuse to give away my hard earned cash to some "olosi-omo" which by the way, means Foolish child, for those who don't understand Yoruba here. I have a few friends that should rather be referred to as leeches. They want to crash in your house, they want to eat your food, drive your car, wear your clothes, shop on your tab, matter of fact... They want to live off of you! I don't get it though. Men think there are gold diggers? Let's look at it this way, the men get to take a dip in their cherry pots, yes? In my opinion, that is called "trade by barter". As a stupid lecturer once told me, scratch my back, I scratch your back. However, what do you call ladies that live off their fellow women and of course bed-matics aren't involved in this annoying game. They eat you out of food and house, follow you shopping and of course... You pay! They order this and that and charge it to you because the creditors know you and are not bothered giving out stuff supposedly for you. And because you have a reputation to protect, of course you pay!

Yes, I dey vex. I recently had to throw one such twat out of my house. The way the babe take move in sef, na like film trick wey never clear for my eye. I got a call telling me a sob story about how she just got laid off at work and of course, she no longer feels safe in abuja seeing as how the last bomb blast hit quite close to her house. She was running scared and needed to relocate to Lagos and I'm sort of her only friend here in Lagos. As better babe that I am, I agreed when she asked to stay in my home for one month to enable her get a place of her own. My darling, na so one month take grow belle oh! Babe stayed and refused to leave. I dropped so many hints, I'd always buy her the latest Castle magazine and even circle the options within her budget. Babe no gree take hint. It would have been bearable assuming she hadn't somewhat forgotten that I'm not her boyfriend in whose home she can Lounge in with a chef to prepare her meals, and a steward to clean up after her mess. She drops clothes everywhere, plates of unfinished food lying around, all sorts of annoying rubbish. She won't cook to save her life, and house work isn't in her dictionary... Uh uhn. I go shopping with the girls and of course she comes along and carries this woebegone look that has us paying for her purchases as well because bish hasn't got a job to pay her bills. We go out for lunch, dinner, drinks, whatever... Of course she does not bring a kobo to contribute yet she must have ordered twice as much as well as double desserts. And while I'm away at work trying to earn my money, she stays home eating me out of the house and watching all the re-runs of America's Next Top Model, American Idol, Desperate Housewives, and Keeping Up With The Kardashians, of course. What happened to looking for her own apartment and a new job?

Anyway, I got pissed off and had to send her packing. I came back home and she wasn't there which turned out to be a short-lived relief because before I could even relax and stretch out my tired body, I heard people right outside my door apparently making out and then the door opens to give me an unrestricted view of my "friend's" bum held tightly by a masculine hand and his mouth fastened to hers while her hand was lost somewhere in his jeans...

That was just too much! I stood up and they didn't even acknowledge my presence. I marched to the guest bedroom where she'd been staying, brought out her suitcases, flung her clothes and shoes into them and the ones that couldn't go in, I threw them into shopping bags. I dragged them out to the living room door, walked up to her kneeling in front of him doing ish, and dragged her all the way to the door. I hope she didn't bite something significant on bros while I pulled her, though that would only serve them right. I was on an indignant roll!! Without even speaking a word, I kicked her, her bags, and her booty call straight out of my house! I don't invite men into MY house and I expressly told her this. Where did she get off inviting a virtual stranger to my house at a few minutes past 10pm???? If she dey craze, make she no bring craze come my side oh!!

TORY FOR GET BOW-LEG

2012-03-31T18:38:00.000+01:00

First things first, my chic market don sell ohhhh!!!!!!! Hahahahahhaa. Her words exactly. Congratulations on your engagement, Sisi Yemmie darling!! Babe, shine eye hold your bobo well ohhh!!!! Babes dey vexxxxx... their eyes be like thief own!!

So my people, how una dey? Una full ground?? I spent all of last night channelling my inner razzness and grooving to Shina Peters' songs as well as Bright Chimezie's songs. Kai... to be razz na the way ohhhh!!!!! I moved my waist like I had no bones in them and shook that booty till I had the men sweating rivers, hehehehe.

"E bami jijo Shina Peters... omoge show me your back! Jiggy left, jiggy right, were were... Oppressor!!!"

I am still mentally grooving, I swear! Solid afro-juju and high-life music!! So, Ivy came into town last week and is responsible for last night. An uncle of hers was celebrating his 50th birthday and Gosh was it big!!! All the top owambe goers of Lagos were in attendance. Those you only see in City People... hehe!!!

Anyway, that is not my gist for you today. The gist I have ehhh... e get bow-leg!!!! Hmmmnnn...

A vacancy recently opened in my office but hasn't been thrown open to the public. Members of staff are being given the opportunity to apply and be considered for it. A top management post oh. After reading the memo, I gathered my I-pad and stuff to go for a meeting at a client's office. The drama started downstairs.

"Miz... please wait!!!! I wan discuss something." A middle-aged woman whom I recognized as one of the cleaners, shouted as I was about to get into the car.

"Madam Glory, better dey for me? How far?" I asked

"I hear as some people inside office dey discuss job wey don open for here. Na im I wan follow you talk. Abeg you fit tell me who dey leave?"

"Oh that... sure. The COO is finally retiring so we need someone to fill his shoes."

"Ah, talk true!! If na that one, I wan apply. Abeg, you go fit help me draft the letter, abi? The earlier the better so another person no go take the job." She finished with a huge smile. I could see the joy in her eyes

"YOU, wan apply? Are you kidding me right now?" My eyes had grown wide as saucers and it was the total incredulity of it all that kept me from laughing out loud.

"Yes now, I fit do that job. Do am well sef pass COO himself. No be to wear fine cloth, talk better English, attend meeting, write plenty things for that computer? You go fit teach me how to use am now, abi? If not, I fit pay for one computer school like that wey dey near my house. The job no hard like that and you know say me I be dedicated worker. No be me win most dedicated and industrious lower level staff since 2009 till now? No be me?? People too dey under-estimate me oh! Abi you think say I no wan wear... wetin you call am again, sef- Jimmy Shoe and Rubiton? I wan dey earn better salary like you oh!!!" OMG, that was Louboutin she just murdered!!!!

"Ermm... Madam Glory, wait make I come back from this meeting then we fit continue this discussion, you hear?" I cajoled

"No wahala, but you go help me abi you no go help me?" She demanded to know

"I go help you, no worry. Make I go come." I quickly dashed into the car and zoomed away.

I swear, tory don carry bow leg carry pikin join am. Whatttttt!!!!!!!!! More gist later, darlings!!!

XoXo,

MIZ

THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS

2012-03-18T11:52:00.001+01:00

It is a blessing to be a mother. A dream every woman harbours and I am no exception. I want to know the feel of a baby in my belly, the first kick... I want my baby to know the sound of my voice right from my womb. I want to feel my baby's tiny fingers wrap around mine. Watch the toothless smile guaranteed to turn me to jelly. Experience the first steps. Cry when my baby goes off to school for the first time, graduates from school, and become an adult. That day would hurt because my baby would no longer be a baby, but I swear, would always be my baby. Just like I am my mothers'.

My dear mother... I have never told you about her, have I? My mother is one-of-a-kind, and no, I do not say this because she is my mother. I say this because it is true. My mother is a classic definition of insane. I am amazed that I am not as crazy as she. I know what you are thinking... "Your entire family is freaking insane. Your world is classic insanity!" And honey, all I'd say is-

"Preach baby, PREACH!!!!! You aint never lied" hahaha!!! We called my mom "GENERAL" because that is exactly what she was. Funny how age mellows one. I can't believe my mom can stay without bellowing her anger at a poor unfortunate soul that luckily was never any of her kids. Be that as it may, the fact that we saw her in action a lot frightened us into always "Obeying without complaint".
My mom never allowed any injustice against any member of her family. She'd lead the war-path in her white shorts, bandanna tied on her head, and fire blazing from her eyes.
My mom participated fully during the biafran war, if the tales I hear are right. Maybe the tales are bogus but who cares? It made for great stories back in school.

I remember when the Ikeja bomb blast ish happened!!! Oh dear Lord... my mom went into full combat mode. She went to wear her white shorts, NIKE trainers, and face-cap. My dad was somewhere in Asia on business then.

"Ahmed!!! Open the gate!!! Ndidi, get me my riding gear and when I leave, pack some clothes into light bags. Then she turned to me- Baby, you people might have to travel so I need you to go to the safe and get your passports, but wait for my call before you make any moves. There is cash in there as well to purchase tickets. Dare will drive you if that happens. I am riding out now to see what is going on. Sounds like a war about to start!! This was how Biafran war started. Those are bombs exploding. I will call you for further instructions. God forbid that my children will experience war like I did. Tufiakwa!!! Chukwu a gha ekwe!!! Many months of carrying you people! 9 months each!!! AHMEDDDDD!!!!! I said Open The Gate!!! I love you baby, I love all of you!"

Then she secured her helmet on her head, revved her bike and off she went (Yes, she rode a power-bike!). Where to was what I kept wondering. What did she intend to do if truly a war had started? I was still pondering this question when she returned crying hysterically. I was lost, I had no idea what to do so I just hugged her and cried along having no clue as to the reason for our tears, but hey!! If it could make my mama cry, then I needed to cry as well. Maybe the world had ended around us all!!!

Then she comported herself...

"You are all safe! My babies are all safe... God be praised! Say AMEN, baby!! Say it... LOUD!!! (I just kept shouting amen and amen!). She put some music on and said "Let's dance! Call everyone! Dance!!! God has decreed that I will not lose my babies today. Bomb blast in Ikeja but not war... many people dying inside a canal but my babies are all here!!! I was scared! So scared... where is your daddy? My babies are fine ohhh..." Then she started crying again

That was the first time I saw my mother cry and I will never forget the love I felt emanating from her. It was stronger than anything I had ever imagined. How then do I forget my mothers' love? When she has prodded me on through thick and thin. I took my knee scrapes and heartbreaks to her. The best of my best friends. The wind beneath my wings!

Happy Mothers' day to all great mothers out there!!! Your value knows no bounds. You are the link that keeps our souls together. The tender wind that carries us through the rough times.
Sometimes we all forget to say the little things- like how much someone means to us, the joy their presence brings. Let us all use today to pay tribute to our mothers!!!

XoXo,

MIZ

CHAMPAGNE FLUTES UP!!!

2012-03-09T12:20:00.001+01:00

Will telling you that I have been in quite an overwhelming place make any difference when I apologize for my prolonged absence? Work has been crazy and my personal life... I guess I haven't been Mary Poppins "happy." Oh well...

So yeah... I really am sorry for having been away for so long. I cannot even tell you how many times I have started to type and then stopped. I sort of lost my mojo for a while and I am only slowly beginning to reclaim it.

The gist "boku" for my end oh... where do I start? Hmmnnnn... Okay!! Seeing as yesterday was Int'l Women's day, I'm going to share a story hailing Women!!

Y'all know how I stay and gist comes looking for me, yeah? E-hen... I was on my own oh, not in any way looking for gist when as usual, it dropped right into my sexy thighs! I was at Vixen's house having fun in our GIRLS LINGERIE PARTY when we had a loud banging on her door. Personally, I no go lie, fear catch me oh! After my new year's eve experience, I get pretty jittery FAST!! I thought we were about to be invaded and robbed or worse... and I was in lingerie too!!!
Suffice it to say, I simply had my mind in overdrive because when Vixen opened her door to her friend- Omolara, it was not robbers I saw but a female that had my jaw go slack in surprise.

"Whaddahell?!!?! Omolara... what happened to you?! Are you alright? What is wrong?!!" Vixen screamed.
"I will be once I have undiluted liquor in my system and you stop looking at me like I am a banshee or something. Sup babes, how una dey? See how you are all staring at me... hahahaha!!! Abeg I no fit shout... if I gist una wetin happen today ehn... Chei!! Na so Omolara for take go today oh!! Alcohol please!"
We were about 6 ladies in the room and we were all dumbstruck and slack jawed staring at Omolara. I knew the gist won't come till she had her alcohol so I quickly poured her a generous shot of vodka to hasten the gist telling. Don't blame me but I poured her yet another the minute she dropped her glass.

"Oya, what happened now? You have enough alcohol and I'll be your personal bartender today, as long as you start talking. Is vodka okay? You want whiskey?" Somehow I knew this gist would be worth it.
"Hahaha... My dear, Nollywood has got nothing on me. I am a Star!! Vixen, I told you I was going to see alhaji today abi? Well, I was giving him one of my signature massages and was just about to procure the promise of a new car from him when we heard the honk of a car horn at his gate. Alhaji went to his window to check who it was and babe... it was Alhaja who was supposed to be in Maidugiri!! I almost peed on myself... whatttttt!!!! That's how Alhaji and I started running round and round the room looking for where I could hide. The door downstairs opened and this sudden calm fell over me..."

I was enjoying this gist. I always enjoy gists like this because it makes me marvel at the stupidity of chics. Why would you follow your aristo to his house na?! Well, the gist continues...

"I asked Alhaji to wear his clothes and corner her downstairs before she came up the stairs and into the room. He managed to make it downstairs while I stood rooted to the floor wondering how I'd make it out of the situation. I swear I did not know what I was doing when I grabbed Alhaji's babariga and wore it over my own clothes. I took white powder and foundation from my bag, mixed everything with water from the bathroom, and rubbed it all over every visible part of me. I threw my bag out the window and hoped that it wouldn't be seen dropping from the living room, and that Alhaji was still holding the forte downstairs. I rubbed it into my hair too, my poor brazilian! Then, I walked out and down the stairs. I was saying my last prayers inside oh... what I was about to do was take the high road to possible death. I had my hands spread wide like this..." Then she stood up to demonstrate for us. I wish I could do same for y'all but I am counting on your imagination to do the trick. Picture a Nollywood creepy ghost and you've got her pegged.

"There's this trick I learned as a child that came in over-useful! I rolled my pupils in and had only the whites showing like this (she demonstrated for us again... that made her look even scarier!) Alhaja was drinking something and watching TV... then she noticed me. She first rubbed her hands across her eyes and turned to Alhaji..."

Alhamdulilahi!! Alhaji... look! See that woman... who is she?

Who? Where?

There! Coming down the stairs now! There... look!! What do you mean "where"?

Walahi, I can't see any woman. Where? Let me check..."

Ehn... alhaji, no!!! Spirit!!! Hidina sirotal mustekim

"I almost burst into laughter even though my heart was frozen with fear! aya mi ti ja tan, Olorun oh!!! So well, while the poor woman was scared shitless thinking I was a ghost and holding her darling husband back from being possessed by a spirit, I walked out of the house and out the gate. If you see race wey I race once I got outside the gate ehn... na Olympic remain for me. "

We were all in stitches laughing at this point... Whattttt!!!! See liver!!! She was lucky the woman no carry jazz if not them for do power tussle and as my ibo people would say...

"e nweta mpi labu, onye bu onye ike? evula bu onye ike!" (If you bring two he-goats, which is the strongest? The bullock!) Something like that sha.

As we were laughing, her phone rang and it turned out to be Alhaji...

"Speaker-phone! Speaker-phone!!" We all chanted, so she had no choice but to put the call on speaker-phone so we could all hear what he had to say.

"Kai, Lara you are a very clever girl!! Where did you come up with that idea? Genius!! I will buy you that car, walahi!!! Insha Allah, I will pamper you very well from today. Clever girl!!"

"So, she didn't suspect anything?" Omolara asked
"At all, she ran outside after you left and called our meiguard to ask if he saw you and he too said he didn't see anything. Walahi, she believes she saw ghost and she has left the house! Good!! I want her to relocate to maidugiri then I can have more time with you, Lara!! Clever girl...!!!"

Can you just imagine?!!! Abeg, my fellow women... shout out to all una jare!!! E no easy!!!! I am still very amazed! Happy Women's day!!!! To all them chicas playing the field... una too much! Champagne flutes up!!!

Hugs and hershey kisses,

MIZ

New Year Blues

2012-01-02T23:20:00.000+01:00

Happy new Year, darlings!! We have been absolutely blessed to be able to cross-over into 2012. All na God, and on behalf of all of us, I thank Him.

This year started with a bang for me and that's no lie. My family home was visited by armed robbers on the 1st at 2:30am. That was some scary ~~shit~~, I swear! We had all just gone to bed after spending time with the fireworks and calling friends and loved ones to wish them a happy new year. Safe in my blissful state of excitement in seeing 2012, I felt so jarred when my mom rushed into my bedroom to alert me to the gunshots that seemed like they were coming from right outside my window!

"Wait! Those are gunshots?!" I jumped up so fast, my head spun

"Hush baby, you are screaming, they will hear. Get on the floor, lie down flat" My mom whispered

"I thought our neighbours were still busy with their own fireworks oh. Are they in the house beside us?" My eyes were as wide as saucers and I was shaking like a leaf.

"No baby. They are in our compound and your dad is holding down the forte. He's shooting as well to scare them away. Let's hope the Police arrive fast, your brothers already called them. Let us pray, baby. God will get us out of this. Your brothers and the others are standing guard at all the entrances so that they don't come into the house."

Sharp sharp I started to kabash better than any MFM member could ever hope to do. Ehn... see me skiboboing and quoting Bible verses I thought I had forgotten. God must have known I was about to burst into truly hysterical tears because 20minutes later, my brothers came in to ask us to relax because the hooligans had gone and the Police had not even smelt the entrance of the estate. Na wa oh!!

My darlings, my life is filled with drama so much that I fear even my funeral when I am in my hundreds would smack of drama as well. Wish there was a way I could update y'all on that too. Who knows? There just might be. I should ask God when I get up there and yes, I will make heaven because I'm too scared of hell not to and I respect my God too well.

As if sey that one no do, our oga Jona had to finally spring this fuel subsidy removal rubbish on us! On the 1st day of the first month of a new year. Who does that????!!!! How can we suddenly start buying petrol for N143.00 from N65.00 per litre??? WTH??? So our able President cannot continue providing us with the fuel subsidy because he wants to pay off our national debt but he can allocate billions to the aso rock for feeding and living expenses? Oshi!!!

This is absolute crap!! The most annoying thing is the fact that millions of Nigerians sit in their homes constructing funny broadcasts about the issue, then send it out to get everyone laughing over an issue guaranteed to cripple a lot of homes. Electricity is zero to none! Most people power their generators with this petrol, how do they cope? Minimum wage is a pathetic sum which I happily dash to my cleaning lady at the office. We practically have no basic amenities... Light we no get, water we no get, good road na Nollywood movie! Citizens be sending out stupid broadcasts cracking jokes about serious issues, so by the time people get laughing about this, they forget how serious it is and simply accept it. Balderdash!!!

I seriously applaud those in Abuja that trooped into Eagle Square in their hundreds to sign the protest register. I wish I could have been in Abuja to join in despite the arrests of citizens calmly exercising their rights. Where do these people get off arresting innocent citizens exactly? I don't get it!!
I am ready to join in any protests being held here in Lagos. Note that!! We all have fundamental human rights as citizens of this country! If they think they are frustrating me, they have another think coming!!! Nobody, absolutely nobody has the right to intimidate me in my motherland nor anywhere else for that matter. As long as I am within my rights! To think that they also seized the register the people were signing. Just what are these people smoking?

I am Miz, I am Ibo, I am Nigerian and I join my voice to say "ENOUGH!!" Nonsense and ingredients!!!

I am so sorry that I have been so serious today but I am truly pissed off at the state of affairs of my beloved Naija. Lots of rubbish that we are having to stomach from our rulers and it makes me wonder what we would stomach if this were still a military regime. This is a pseudo-democracy!

I need to go calm down so I can sleep. Work resumes tomorrow, and it will not be pretty seeing people hustling even harder than usual just to eke a living out of the crappy situation. I am going to have to give a lot of people rides tomorrow to help in the little way that I can. One hundred and sixty-five naira (N165.00)... tahhhh!!!!!!

Happy new year again, my Loves. May this year bring better tidings for us, IJN.

Love and Hershey Kisses,

MIZ

She IS CRAZYYYYY!!!!!

2011-12-28T17:35:00.000+01:00

It's the 28th day of December already... **sigh** Hello darlings! How una dey? Una no distribute Christmas hamper? he-he, Just kidding.

Our annual Christmas family dinner this year was insane, I swear. One thing I am sure of, to be a member of this family you have to be able to take a drive down Insanity-ville!! You cannot survive otherwise. From grandpa down to the youngest babies, smh.

As I drove into my "Aunt Mildred's" drive-way, I could see three of my aunts clearly arguing over something and by God, they were blocking the drive-way and did not even move despite my several horn honks. I had to get down.

"Merry Christmas!!!! Ermm, last I checked cars still kill people or hurt them pretty well Oh! Why are you people blocking the drive-way now? What if I was Ihuaku who hardly looks where she's driving? I could have hit you guys!" I exclaimed

"Oya, enter your car and hit us now, silly child. By the way, I have always said Ihuaku should be banned from driving. How can somebody focus on everything else but the road she's driving on? She's pinging, she's making up, she's eating, she's on the phone... everything but the road! That girl is an accident waiting to happen and it's sad she's my daughter. I was never like that!" This, from my aunt Ola.

"He-he, the fruit never falls far from the tree now. Good-afternoon aunty Ola, aunty Ify, aunty Ije. Err..., so will you people just shift to the other side so I can drive through? I promised I would help Papa with some stuff and he's been calling me non-stop!"

Aunty Ola's look froze me on the spot... Chai!!!

"Help gini?! You are staying right here, nwanyi! And you are not moving that car an inch from where it is. Everybody that arrives will join us right here!! This my dear, is a mutiny. Patricia has decided she will do the cooking..."

"WHATTTT?????? Ah, I'm going home! I never ready to die. Last time she tried cooking, I had to over-dose on imodium and that is so not sexy! Besides, I have a hot date tomorrow. I can't go looking emaciated from food poisoning na!" I had to cut Aunty Ije shut. Aunt Patricia is my crazy aunt Mildred and while she's awesome at planning menus and pulling off exquisite lunches, dinners, whatever... she should never have a hand cooking 'em just in planning them. She's an awful cook, awful I tell you, simply and complicatedly awful!!

And to make matters worse, she imagines herself to be the saviour of gourmet chefs worldwide. Her concoctions are legendary, I tell you. She fancies herself a Cordon Bleu, to my horror and tummy grief.

"Relax, she is not doing any cooking. Why do you think we are here? To enjoy the hot sun? We are protesting and everyone would block her driveway and street with cars till she becomes reasonable and leaves the kitchen in capable hands that won't cook potty to run our stomachs."

**DEEP SIGH**

And at that moment, 5 more cars drove in... okayyy!!! The troops are arriving and the war is about to start. Aunty Ify had been on the phone since I arrived, intimating everyone about what was going on and gathering the army.

It promised to be fun and all that but I stood the risk of severe sun burn standing under the sun. Shuo!! I did not even apply sunscreen before leaving my house. I decided to chill for 20 more minutes with the hopes that Aunty Patricia would cave in fast. Uncle Obi should just promise her something like he always does. Someone should please do something. Get her out of that kitchen and avoid disaster!!! Aaaarrrggghhhh...!!!!!

"Madame Miz... aunty fine girl!! The biggest Diva in town!! Asa nwa!! LaS GiDi's finest!!!" this heralded Adure's arrival. She's always hailing me. He-he

"Almost- bride!! My love, how now? I thought you were in Abuja and could not make it?"

"E-hen, so everybody would find reasons to kill me, abi? I can't shout oh! Wetin dem talk say momsy dey do? Hian ohhh!!!!" Adure is the only chic I know that speaks fluent pidgin with her totally British accent. I find it so adorable. Lol.

"Your mom has gone Ga-Ga on us oh!! She wants to poison the entire family with her cuisine africana a la European! I think you should go and threaten her with cancelling all her plans for the wedding and hiring an official planner instead. That should shake her up!!"

Little did I know just how genius my idea was because my aunt ran out of the kitchen with flour all over her hair!! Oh dear Lord, this woman is Cray!!!!

Before that happened though, we had 10 cars parked in protest with one blasting truly loud music. And I met with Aunty Patricia's friend's son whom she had told me about at The Four points when I ran into her. Apparently she disregarded my plea not to hook us up and invited him for our "Family" dinner. Did she forget the meaning of the word? I'm not really complaining though. The dude is Hot!!! And y'all know they used hot guys to do me. Tall hot guys are my mu-mu button. He-he. Poor dude though, he was made to stand outside with us and witness our insanity first-hand! This didn't affect my hot date the next day sha. Mba

You can bet the dinner was insane and I pitied the poor dude for being thrown into chaos without warning. Good thing though, the food turned out amazing after Aunt Patricia left the kitchen. i am tired of typing! I've been typing for an hour thanks to many interruptions. Got to go find something to eat, but first... I finally made a resolution thanks to the date Aunty Patricia brought for me. He kept asking me if I had made my new year resolutions and sounded aghast when I said I had not and that in turn exasperated me.

So well, my resolution for the new year is...

So go on and join me in my resolution!!

Hugs and Hershey Kisses,

MIZ

Bon Noel

2011-12-26T21:07:00.001+01:00

Merry Christmas everyone!!!! I love all of you and appreciate your constant support of my scribbles and constant drama. You are such gems and my inspiration to tatafo... hehe!!!

Merry CHRISTmas!!!

Crazy Aunt Mildred!!

2011-12-06T22:35:00.001+01:00

How e be say trouble dey sleep, yanga go dey wake am? I wish I could say this saying describes my situation accurately but the truth is, I was sitting down calmly when trouble waka come find me.

I took an early lunch yesterday and had just taken my first bite of the really good chicken when someone screamed my name so dramatically causing me to almost choke... WTH!!! I looked up to see my dad's sister coming straight at me with a wide-toothed grin and her cologne floating behind her. Her Brazilian hair extension almost made me choke again. It was down to her hips (bear in mind that this woman is in her 60s)!!!!

"Darling, how are you? Fancy seeing you here, you naughty naughty child!!! You never call and you do not even visit despite the fact that we live in the same Ikoyi. You should be spanked! Don't just sit there... get up and give me a hug!! Are you not glad to see me?"

"Of course aunty, I'm glad to see you." (By God, the lunch was a bad bad idea!! Her tight hug was crushing my bones and squeezing the life out of me!) "What are you doing here aunty??"

"Oh, I am lodged here for today, so I decided to come down for lunch and who do I see but you?!" She trilled

"You and Uncle Obi had a disagreement?" I had to ask. She always does that when she has a quarrel with my uncle regarding something she wants. She packs a bag and heads to a top-scale hotel that has a good spa within or nearby

"Oh don't worry about it honey, he will come around before the end of today. He always does. It's about Adure's wedding present. I wish I could tell you what I want us to get her but it's supposed to be a surprise and seeing as how you are very close to her... hey Waiter!!!! I need my order taken! (Need I mention that she had settled in comfortably on the seat opposite mine?) He's just being stubborn. So tell me how you have been."

**sigh** I love my aunt to bits but she can deplete one's energy with her constant chatter.

"Just work, aunty. Work and more work. You know how it gets especially at this time of year. We are closing old accounts and putting finishing touches to everything. Plus I'm on the planning committee for the Christmas party at work. It's all fun though!"

"Oh Lord, baby, you just reminded me that I haven't made any plans for our annual family Christmas dinner. I have to call your mom so we can iron out the details. So much to do what with the wedding too! Has Adure sent your aso-ebi material to you? Do you love it or do you love it?! I told her the colour was totally made for the both of you. It took us 2 whole weeks to decide on the right fabric and design, did she tell you?... Speaking of weddings, what is going on with you, nwanyi-oma? No man yet? When are you getting married?"

AH!! There goes the million-dollar question!!

My aunt never fails to ask this question each time we meet. She agonizes over it more than my poor mom could ever hope to do. It is an issue of constant grief to her. She has the chief role of making sure everyone in the family gets married at 21 **shudders**

"Ha-ha, I am quite certain you would have known if I was getting married, aunty. Nothing ever passes you by! You are too smart for that. Look, I have to run, aunty. I have already over-stayed my lunch hour by 20minutes and we have got deadlines to meet. I will come by the house this weekend, I promise." I stood up and went to air-kiss her but my aunt held my face before I could do that...

"I know a wonderful young man. From a very responsible home and he's got a very good job too. I will set up a date for you two." (Oh Hell NO!!! Pardon my French, but she's the same person that set me up on the blind date with that local champion... No way I'm giving her another opportunity!)

"No aunty, I have someone in my life right now. Really. You don't have to worry about me. I am fine! Bye aunty, Love you!"

I quickly made my exit and practically flew to the office.Every body must have a crazy aunt Mildred, and you just met mine!! She should walk around with a T-shirt like this everyday, really.

I am off to bed jare, sleep beckons.

Hugs and Hershey Kisses,
MIZ

All Hail The LASTMA people!!!

2011-12-05T10:33:00.001+01:00

I had a run-in with LASTMA yesterday. If you live in Lagos, you know what this means. The terrorists of Las Gidi roads finally looked my way.

Goodmorning darlings!!! I hope you all had a beautiful weekend like I did.

Before I start today's gist, I'd like to extend my condolence to the family of my fellow blogger ROLEX. I'm so sorry for the loss. May she rest in peace and may God grant all of you that were close to her, the fortitude to bear the loss. God bless!!!

So, as I was gisting... I had a clash with LASTMA people or should I say they had a clash with me? Because according to Vixen and Somi, I am a gale to be reckoned with. A wave that crashes wildly against the shores. Lol. Na them dey craze. Hehe.
Well, Somi, Vixen and I were going for a wedding at the BeSpoke Center, Lekki and I was driving (yes, Somi finally let go of her Range for a day, rubbish! yes, I'm beefing). I was doing a cool 140 and somehow, the traffic lights never caught me. We were on cruise control, baby! Then we got to that Oniru turning just before the Toll gate, and the light went red but it was too late to stop at that speed. Next thing I know, the LASTMA people jump on their motorcycle to pursue us... Shuo!!!
I slowed down and parked just after the toll gate and wound down...

"I'm so sorry about that, Oga. Abeg no vex. I didn't see the light turn red early enough to stop."

"All these young girls, all of you feel you can violate the law abi?" (He can speak English well! He knows "violate", wow! **crickets**)

"Not at all, oga. How na? We fit?"

Before I could say "Prada", one of them had opened one of the back doors and jumped in.

"You will follow us to our office. You must pay the fine!"

"Haba Oga, na heat dey do you? Why did you jump into my car like that? You need the airconditioning that bad or you just want to see how it feels riding in a car like this first hand?" I asked (I was mentally beating myself up for forgetting to lock the doors before driving)
As soon as I asked this, silly girls in my car started to laugh and this infuriated the officers.

"Give us your license! You will go to court! Rubbish. Idiots like you shouldn't own a car" The one outside made a grab for my keys just as I wound up and his arm got stuck. He saw Red!

"Assault!!! You have assaulted an officer!! Ahhh!!! Prostitute!! I will make sure you pay nothing less than N500k to collect this your car! You will go to jail."

"Oga be reasonable. There's no scratch on you. All I did was prevent you from grabbing my keys. That was a very rude move, you don't just move in on people and disrespect their personal space. Besides, my friend here saw your arm brush my boobs I'm sure. Didn' you, Somi? (She replied a big Yes) I can have you arrested for sexual harrassment, trust me. Let us see who ends up in jail by the time I'm done with you. Haba! I am a first time offender and instead of you both to let me off with a warning, you are threatening me and hating on me because I drive a cool car, abi? I know your number, people play it quite often."

"Ehn? Sexual what?? Ah no no no!! Relax aunty. Calm down. It was not intentional oh. Who are you calling? Please wait... We can work this out. Just give us something for sunday 17:59. That is all. We don't need to fight now."

I could not help laughing out loud!

"Oga, na today? Okay, enter car let me give you men something"

As soon as the idiot joined his colleague in the car, I hit Autolock and sped off towards ajah. They were screaming and we were laughing!! This was a bad bad thing for me to have done but somebody needed to teach these Mofos a lesson. They always do this. They feel they can intimidate people just because they wear uniforms. Well, them don jam road block today!
I hit play on the CD system and Rihanna's voice rent the air... pure coincidence that it was MAN DOWN playing. It was so loud that I could not hear the screams and pleas coming from our two captives. I drove all the way to Lagos Business School and stopped them.

"Oga, oya make una get down from my car. I hope I gave you sufficient gist for your 17:59 groove with your friends after work. Enjoy!!!"

After saying this, I turned the car around and drove back towards the Bespoke centre so we could meet the wedding reception.

Have I been very naughty?

**SINGING** "Feels so good being bad! There's no way I'm turning back... I may be bad but I'm perfectly good at it!!"

It's About Time

2011-11-21T18:07:00.001+01:00

I am so sorry, darlings!! Been a while, huh?
It seems like I am always apologizing these days. Abeg, make una no vex for my side oh. It's work that has been so crazy and of course, I have been up to so many things that always make me wonder what planet I come from. Seriously, I must be some sort of alien form. I no longer understand it. However, if I say I do not enjoy every minute of my life... my nose would be 18inches or more by nightfall which isn't far-off.

Well, if I were catholic I'd probably start this gist like this...

"Forgive me darlings, for I may have sinned. It depends on the way you view fairness though. You see, I want another woman's boyfriend and I intend to have him. Is that a bad thing? I doubt it. But, what if I just want him for a brief period of time? I do not want to keep him... I think.

Does this make me a bad person?

Well, my gist started a year ago when I was introduced to this hunk at an exclusive beach picnic that was organized by one big-wig. He came in his own boat, his shirt was off as he controlled the boat and I could not stop staring at his ripped muscles and my gosh he was TALL!! Anybody who knows me, know that I die for tall, hot guys. Call me an "ashh..." that's your business. He-he.

So there I was, mouth slightly agape staring at this wonderful work of God till he was standing right in front of me and I did not even know it. I had travelled to that beautiful place where only fantasies abide. He had to clap his hands in front of my face to bring me back to reality and the annoying accessory that was hanging onto his arm like she was never going to let go. I disliked her instantly. Sorry, but I'm a babe and we are genetically engineered to dislike ladies that have the men that we want. To make matters worse, she was standing there grinning like the cat that got the milk. Aaaarrrrrggghhhh...!!!! I could feel the smoke emitting from my ears. Figuratively.

By the way, if you think less of me for wanting another woman's man, I should remind you of something you must have seen when you clicked on my blog. Hate me or love me... there's a little of me in you! *EVILGRIN

Back to my gist, I flirted codedly with this dude all day and trust me, I wasted no time in getting his complimentary card. Rule of the game ladies... if you truly want the dude, get his contact details and make it look like that was all he ever wanted to do. If not, na long thing you dey oh. He might never call you.

Days later, I found some petty excuse to call on him at his office. In the name of "business", well to be fair, I patronised his company a month after that. After the first visit, he started calling me often and I spent a lot of time giggling while chatting with him on BBM, I practically drove all of my friends insane. I met his chic a few times during the course of the year and she always went out of her way to be rude to me and I could not help but be amused because come on... this is ME we are discussing here. Hahahaha. I think I'm being deliberately unbearable today. Bear with me... is that possible? I would like to think so.

Anyway, I have been absolutely sweet and charming and understanding and homey, I fear I am losing my sense of self in my effort to reel this dude in. Do not get me wrong, I am quite homey naturally (Fabulously so), however this whole Martha Stewart/ Paris Hilton thing I got going just to get the bobo is something else, I swear. But then again, he's seriously coming around from what I have observed. Never say I failed at something I put my mind to. Just today, he invited me with him on his trip to Paris this Christmas and that my dears, prompted my confession and gist today!

I could not resist doing a skip in the office and I immediately called my partner-in-crime, Somi. She could not believe my audacity though she absolutely loved it!! Hey, she'd have done the same thing while she was still single and now she lives out her every naughty thoughts through me. Who is complaining though? Not me. Hehe

Anyway, I have a lunch date with him tomorrow and I intend to pop the big question. I intend to make sure we go to a very romantic restaurant to give me the right atmosphere to ask...

Hey... what question did you think it was? Me proposing to the dude? Lai lai!!! I dey craze??? I did say I wasn't sure I wanted to keep him, DUH!! Lol.
If he thinks I am going to travel to Paris with him as a side-chick, he's got another think coming. Miz is always the One and ONLY. I do not share.

So darlings, stay tuned! I will be bringing you more tafia soon. XoXo

Hugs and Hershey Kisses,

MIZ

AREN'T MEN AMAZING

2011-10-30T09:46:00.000+01:00

Good morning darlings!!! It is a beautiful day to be alive!!! And Christmas is closer than before, huge reason for me to be excited!! Christmas is my favourite holiday!! I cannot wait to start hearing carols all around me, see beautiful decorations especially at Ajose Adeogun and Falomo round-about. That is usually beautiful!! And I promised myself that I would definitely take a picture by them this year. Who knows, I might even volunteer at a children's home just to see the beautiful smiles on their faces when I give them gifts and we sing carols together... Yes, I love children as well!

For those of you who never cease to ask... no, I am not going to church today. And no, it does not make me a sinner. I have simply decided to worship my God from home today since I cannot make it to my church. So for those of you going, drop some money in the offering basket for me. You are special!!

Something unusual happened 2 days ago. I gave my blackberry pin to a stranger on Facebook. Simply because he sent me a message without grammatical errors. Flawless English. I was impressed and while still being impressed, I gave my pin to a stranger who could have been a freak for all I knew!!

Yet again, he might be as sexy as Colin Farrell who is my ultimate definition of sexy!!! * fans-self*. Then I would consider myself blessed indeed!!

Anyway, I realized I was insane after I had accepted his friend request while wondering who the heck sent me a request. The bb name was different from the name on his Facebook account... Strike one!!
So, I sent him a bbm today asking why his name on bbm was different from his name on Facebook, and demanded to know if he was suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD). The following conversation ensued...

"This is my real name. Not the one on Facebook. MPD? Oh no!! I don't. Why haven't you given me your number? I asked for it in my last message to you on Facebook."

I quickly checked my inbox and saw that the liar actually had.

"Huh?? You have me on here. Is that not more than enough? I am not the type to give out my pin to someone I do not know. I was in a very good mood, I guess." I replied

"Great, that means I am a lucky chap (insert bbm wink). Anyway, I need your number in case I come to Festac. I could call you and pass by where?" I had to read that again to be sure I wasn't reading the wrong chat.

Then he replied "Or I could drive to wherever you are so I can see you, at least."

"Back up, Mister. What has Festac got to do with me?"

"BB network can be funny at times. Easier to track you with a direct call. Feel me here!! But if you do not want to give it out, no probs."

Feel him???? Hian Ohhh!!!! Then he sent a reply to my question about Festac...

"You told me you live in Festac. So I said I could come and see you if I am in Festac today. And to make it easier, I could call you to know where you are. That's what I mean"

"When did I tell you that please? *BBM confused face*" I was baffled, honestly but it got better...

"With your permission, of course. Oh!! That was yesterday. When you said you are a student in UNILAG and I asked where you stay, you told me 4th avenue"

Where the heck is 4th avenue?!!!

"Pls, go back and read through all your chats because I am very certain I never chatted with you before now. I do not live on the Mainland. The last time I was a student, I received my second MBA degree. You obviously have a lot of unknown ladies on your BBM list and I think I should take myself off to save you this confusion, and save me the annoyance"

"Then it's a mix-up. I chatted with 3people yesterday and you were the only lady I chatted with. So I am confused now. Why are you in a hurry to judge me? Confusion is only natural" he replied

"Dude, I don't judge fast. You apparently make it a hobby to ask for pins on Facebook and have gotten yourself confused. Do not lump me in with your harem of unknown ladies, Mister." I was quickly regretting my act of kindness in giving out my pin.

"My mistake, I apologize. Easy, please. I do not have a Harem and you will never be part of one"

I just stopped chatting with him after this and once I am ready for my phone, I will remove him from my list. Emi o raye!!

Honestly though, men are amazing!!!!

I am going to rifle through my kitchen for what to eat. I might go to the movies later. Any good movie showing?

Hugs and Hershey kisses,

MIZ

EXCUSE YOU???

2011-10-23T19:05:00.000+01:00

Men amaze me. Really, they do.

Hey darlings!!! What are you up to this relaxing Sunday afternoon? I am chilling on the couch with my laptop on my thighs and some red wine by my side while I try to remain somewhat involved in the loud conversation going on in my living room between Somi and two of her friends. One of whom is cool and the other is just a loud parrot that could easily personify a life-sized bimbo. Truly. She has done nothing but argue pointlessly and guzzle down my wine in-between many mouthfuls of my peppered prawns!! How irritating!! I do not like this babe. Seriously. The only adorable thing about her is her name- CARESSA. Her parents deserve thumps on the back for such a sexy name. Pity the bearer has a tummy the size of a very mature water-melon and and an ~~ass~~ as pointed as the beak of a woodpecker.

Anyway, guess what the conversation is about? You get 3 guesses... anyone???? I guessed not.
It's about a rule we ladies like to call the "Six Sixes". Somehow, I think even many ladies do not know this is the official name of the rule but what the heck... we've all got to learn new things everyday, right?

You know how men determine how hot a woman is on a scale of 1 to 10? Well, the Six Sixes is our own scale of measurement. Difference is we do not measure based on appearance alone (yes, that's how smart we are). Unlike our superficial counterparts, we base our judgements on more than a man's six-pack (and no, not his beer pack). We consider things like his 6-figure salary that has to be deliciously close to a 7-figure, his 6-feet plus frame, ermmm... plus the fact that he has got to be at least 6-inches below the belt. There are many more Sixes, but you get my drift.

The fact that we judge based on your income, appearance, and performance does not make us shallow in any way. Okay, in some cases maybe. Speaking for myself though, I am an independent gorgeous woman who deserves nothing less than the gold. The more sixes I can score, the better for all concerned! However, a monthly 7-figure salary plus benefits may sway my mind (maybe).

So the reason why I said it's a maybe is because I ran into that ibo local champion whom I had a blind date with a while back. And at the most embarrassing of all places... The Palms!!! If you do not want to be seen, never venture near The Palms. That's where you will see every single person you do not want to see.
I went shopping at Shopright and just as I was wheeling out my cart to go take the elevator and get me some ice-cream and brownies, I heard someone beckoning at me and screaming what I swear is not my name in any way.

"Mrs (insert thick ibo accent here)!!!! Hey Mrs...!!! It is you I am calling now!!!" He yelled

"Hi... errr... I'm sorry, your name again?" I asked in a very dry tone

"Erastus na!!! Remember me? Hian babyyyy... na wa oh!! i che ta kwa m ozo. It is me, Erastus!!!" He screamed again

Oh Lord have mercy. This was not happening to me again. I thought there and then that I must have wronged someone seriously enough to deserve this embarrassment one more time.

"Oh yea, how have you been? Look I have to go, okay? It was nice running into you though" I tried to make my escape

"Nne, not so soon nu. I has been looking for you since you run away those days. My chewing gum, nwa mummy, akwa nwa!!"

"Excuse you? Please do not call me pet names I have not authorized you to, especially not unsavoury pet names like 'chewing gum'. What the heck is that?" I could not stand the dude... eish!!!

"Ehn, me unsavry (pronounced as written), isi gini? Look at you!! You are just a Diva" he heaved out with lots of saliva flying all around.

I just burst into laughter. Who taught this guy the meaning of "Diva" for Chrissakes? Did he think it is an insult? That must be the highest compliment ever!!! Yes, I am a diva and ~~damn~~ proud of it too!!!

This dude needs to up his insult vocabulary sha!! A lot of people had already started to stare and laugh too. Honestly, I did not feel bad about walking away from the bush man.

So, I gisted Somi and her friends about the experience and some of them were of the opinion that I should have given bush-man a chance because he's rolling in money. Are they for real? Especially aunty Caressa. The more Sixes I get, the better for me!! I am not looking to settle, biko!!

Hugs and Kisses,

MIZ

It Wasn't Me?

2011-10-19T14:57:00.000+01:00

Why is my life filled with so much drama? No, I am being serious. Stop laughing.

Sometimes I get really tired of all the show and then I realize, I crave for it!! Then the madness starts all over again. Sometimes it finds me. Like it did yesterday in the form of Allen, my delightful neighbour. I am getting too old for this but who was it that sang "Forever Young" again? It's sad to think that the person had me in mind. That means the drama would never stop and our tatafo would always continue. Now that's a good thing, right?

My head is banging and I cannot stop my eyes from squinting whenever I am faced with bright lights. I had to lock my office door and tell everyone that I am working on one of our important projects and do not need any disturbances. Everyone respects my creativity and lets me be when I ask for it. This is a good thing and even better that they did not ask why I had sunglasses on in the office. The lights in my office have all been turned off and the blinds drawn. I am typing this almost blind and I hope I make no typo errors. If I do, blame it on the alcohol! Poor alcohol though, I should really blame Allen. She brought the alcohol!! But I do pity poor Allen. So do I blame it on my wacky emotions that felt pity for a babe that was caught pants down with one of them vultures (my pet name for married men)?

I had just gotten back from Ajah where I went to visit a friend who had been involved in an accident. I had not even taken off my shoes when I heard the bell ring. On opening the door, Allen bounced in filled with all the rage in the world.

"The ~~bastard~~!! She will rot in hell!! Me, Allen!!! I was almost disgraced like a common prostitute! And you... where have you been?! Why have you not been taking my calls? Do you know what I have been through?!!"

"Err-mm... excuse you? Why did you come into my apartment to attack me at 11:30pm? Them dey worry you? Besides, if you are still alive then you have been okay. So, it's either you calm down and talk or you get out and allow me to sleep. Work dey tomorrow." I was very tired and having had issues with my PC all day, I just wasn't in the mood for her drama.

"No vex jare, ore mi. I am just so upset thanks to the severe embarrassment I suffered today. Remember Tunji? That Oil magnate I gisted you about that was chyking me and paid for my Paris vacation?" she asked

"If he's paying for your vacations then the level has moved from chyking to shagging, I'm sure. Anyway, yes I remember him. What happened?" I replied in a dry tone

"Haba chic, wetin now? Bobo no fit pay that kind thing for me without getting anything? Anyway, leave matter for Mathias. That one no be my wahala now. My problem is with the level of humiliation I suffered from today. After work (she works as a marketer with one of the banks) I drove down to Phase 1 where he was waiting for me. He just came back from New York, by the way and he brought shoes that would make you salivate. They are in my room."

Is this girl mad? How would she mention shoes and expect me to still concentrate? Anyway. let me try and focus on this her gist. I hope it is worth my time oh!

"After he gave me all the stuff he bought for me, one thing led to another and before I could say 'Tunji', my pants had ended up tangled up in the duvet as I was later to realize."

"I knew that Paris trip was not an awoof trip. Keep going. I am liking this." I adjusted my self on the bed to hear the gist from a better angle.

That was when the floodgates opened and instead of a juicy gist, I had a wailing woman in my arms!

"Allen, sweetheart... it's okay. stop crying. Poor baby. What happened next?"

I had to hear the rest of the gist na. Haba!! How would she leave me hanging?

"The door slammed open (sob), and a mad woman (More sobs) walked in and started hurling insults at me (still more sobs). She came in with an entourage!! Two other women and the gate man."

"Cheiii... your bride price don finish O!! Are you serious? (I had to struggle to hold in my laughter). So who's the woman? His wife or girlfriend?"

"His wife!! I didn't even know he was married!" She yelled

"Okay, get outta here, Allen. And what did you think the ring on his finger was? Fashion item? abi he does not wear one?" she had got to be kidding me!!

"I never looked at his finger now! (Right!! You just looked at his sexy pockets. No harm in that)

"She went crazy, I tell you, crazy!! How won't he look outside when he has a crazy woman as wife? She started throwing things at him and I just sat on the bed with the duvet covering me. I still had not recovered from what had been going on.

"Just at the final peak too!! Why did she have to come in at that time?" (Huge sob)

Hell hath no fury like a woman left unsatisfied? Hahaha.

I feel I should let you all know that while all this was going on, we were already done with a bottle of Nuvo and had started on another. I just kept drinking and enjoying the gist. She on her own was drinking with all the fury and humiliation stored up inside of her. I was pretty high at this point and so was she.

"You know something else, Miz? I have to start driving all the way to VGC now whenever I have to see him. He sent me a text with a change of location. Imagine!! All the way... Shtupid woman!!" she slurred

Ehn??!! She will continue to see the man?! Issorai!! Me, I like my fine face very well and I do not want some crazy woman to come after me with acid because I am sleeping with her husband. I no fit shout.

Anyway, the benefits must be worth all the humiliation since she is willing to go at it again.

At this point, she had started going into details about some of those benefits and I really cannot share them but they sure made for juicy listening!! Hehehe. We did not go to bed till about 3am and by that time, we had finished 3 bottles of Nuvo and a quarter. I am so screwed!!1

I am cuddling up to sleep on this couch, jare!! Will somebody be nice enough to wake me up at 5pm and bring a cup of coffee too? That is when I close for the day. Where's that my eye mask again? *YAWN!!

Hugs and hershey kisses,

MIZ

WAHALA

2011-10-07T16:34:00.000+01:00

I am quite upset and rightly so!! I just got back from lunch which I had gone to with all the joy I always have on Fridays, only to return with a rather long face thanks to one ~~ass-wipe~~ (pardon my French) that pissed me off as I was pulling out of Marcopolo.

Forgive me, darlings. How have y'all been? Missed me as much as I missed you? I really do not know what kept me away and I'm sad that it took an annoyance to bring me back to you. I always told myself "tomorrow" but now I know for sure that tomorrow is always a day away. Well, Miz is back!!!

So, what upset me? A dude who drives as recklessly as Mr. Bean on a bad day. I had just finished my meal of steamed rice with broccoli (Yum!!) with a plate of vegetable spring rolls (I never miss those), and got into my car to begin the drive back to the office. I was jamming to Rihanna's "Man Down" and nothing could touch me at that moment... or so I thought. I beckoned to the security man to guide me as I pulled out, which he got up to do. Confident in the clear access I had and following the direction of the guard, I put my car into reverse and started pulling out of the parking slot. Next thing I know, this car came from literally nowhere and slammed into my car!!!
No... I did not slam into his, rme. He drove straight into me despite the security guard's sign not to. Eeeeehhhnnnn... see this "Weree" oh!!! My car!!! I immediately remembered Tony Tetuila's line "today na today. No time for tori". I saw RED!!! My car... like, My Baby!!

I got down from the car and bounded over to meet the "ponmo" who stupidly came out of his own car with something akin to fury on his face. I had to pause to look at him again... was he mad?! This dude just bashed my car and he was coming towards me with all the anger he had stored inside his egg-head!! Some people are mad in this Lagos oh!!

"Are you mad? Is something wrong with you? Why did you pull out like that, woman? Are you blind?! Don't you use your mirrors?!" He raged

"Huh? Wait a minute. This is a joke, right? Who released this lunatic from the psycho ward? Did you not see the security man directing traffic and letting people know I was pulling out?! Are YOU blind?!" I replied in fury. The dude was obviously on some cheap crack. He just bashed my car and still has the effrontery to yarn dust, abi?

I quickly went to check on my car and I almost cried!! My poor baby... My poor poor baby!!!

Wait oh!!!... this "ewu texas" is still talking? Chim oohh... some people are loco oh!!

"Dude, did somebody forget to fix your screws this morning before you left your house or have you lost them permanently? WTF is wrong with you? Look, I do not have the time to chill here with you and talk rubbish. However, you ARE going to fix my car!" I turned on him in anger (I am really cute when angry though. He-he)

By this time, several busy-bodies had gathered around and trust some of the men to be yarning nonsense like the chihuahua that hit my car.

"Woman, watch your tongue!! You do not talk like that to a man. Don't you have a husband? It is women like you that get sent out of their husband's homes. Keep quiet and show some remorse! Women, you people drive like if you are mad"

HUH?!!!!!!!!!! NO FREAKING WAY A DUDE JUST SPOKE TO ME LIKE THAT!!!

Okay, call me a feminist if you will but it is men like this that made me the way I am. And I do not tolerate it from them. Did the short toad think I was his meek wife seating down with her arms folded waiting for him to come home? See me see wahala oh!!

"Look sir, I am going to respect your old age and act like you did not just spew filth from your mouth. Why should I show remorse because this dude bashed my car? Infact, I am talking too much..."

I quickly picked up my phone and called Somi to brief her on what was happening. In just a matter of minutes, a police van had pulled up and I left them with my car and the dude. Did I mention Somi sent her driver for me too? Let that idiot sort himself out with the police. Ode!!

Seriously, I have issues with men that think women are pathetic drivers. I mean, yes some of us suck at parallel parking skills but we are extremely cautious when we are driving. It is always men you find involved in drunk driving accidents, driving without seatbelts... I am sure that piranha had taken some alcohol with his lunch and that made him drive like a bat flying in the day time. "Isi aki!!"

Recklessness on the road... Driving under the influence... Speeding (okay, I'm guilty of this),,, Failing to wear a seat belt in spite of LASTMA... These are what we should base our good/bad driver judgements on.

But maybe I'm being too harsh. Or sexist. Who cares?

I need to pack up jare. The weekend has officially begun! Countdown to a night of Jonzing!!! Talk to you later, darlings!!
Hugs and hershey kisses...

MIZ

WE DON'T DO THE BRIDGES...

2011-09-16T16:29:00.000+01:00

Hello again darlings! It's another Friday and I am ~~abso-freaking-lutely~~ ready to let my hair down and have me some fun!!! I will get to that after I am done with today's rant.
My post today was inspired by an article I came across in the GENEVIEVE magazine August 2011 issue. I copped its title for today's title, ha-ha. According to the author of the article, and I quote,

"...If you are a JJC in town, I need you to be aware of one of the bigz girls' rules- we don't do the bridges!"

For those who do not totally understand the above (maybe because you are not a Nigerian?), JJC means "Johnny Just Come". It is a slang we use to refer to "Newbies/ Newcomers". And as for the "bigz girls", they are our equivalent of the "IT girls". The bridges being referred to here, are the bridges that connect the Lagos mainland areas to the Island that includes Victoria Island, Lekki and its environs, and Ikoyi. Long story short, it means we do not date anyone that lives across any of the bridges!
In Lagos, those who live on the Island are considered the "IT people"... rich and classy. Anything away from the Island is just... uuurrrggghhh!!! Ha-ha. Everything worth having is located on the island. The best houses (though most expensive), the best malls, the banging clubs, the beaches, the stores, the cars,... and the people! Little wonder people consider it the only place to be.

According to the author of this article, insisting on living in this choice area of the state is simply being greedy and over-the-top. Hmmnnn... Aunty, I totally understand the angle you are coming from but please who would rather eat spoilt cheese when you have the option of freshly-made? Like seriously? Call me whatever you want to but I will never live on the mainland except of course it is restored to order. Yes, I am defending my decision as well as that of plenty other ladies I know who chose to live nowhere else but on the Island.
I have plenty reasons to visit the mainland on a weekly basis, either en-route the airport or to visit a client for a meeting. And each of these times, I always find myself cussing out loud and shaking my fists at the insane bus drivers or in general annoyance at the disorganization. It is like one mad house. Granted there are select areas on the mainland worth living in, but why seek peace amidst chaos when I can be surrounded by total peace and harmony?

This is my beloved Island

I have never been able to drive without finding myself in some form of traffic where different hawkers crowd around my car attempting to sell their goods in nasal voices and frequent knocks on my window. This happens on the island too (sales in traffic, I mean) but it is no where near as annoying as that on the mainland. Voices attacking you from every corner and hawkers blocking the road you are to drive on.
The bus driver that decides to stop his vehicle smack in the middle of the road, to exchange blows and rough words with his conductor or another bus driver. Sometimes it is even a me-lee between the bus driver, his conductor, and their passengers or the touts that loiter the streets of Lagos siphoning money off of these people willing to actually work for their money.
The acrid smell of sweat slicked bodies that probably haven't seen water in days, the smoke from buses and cars that no longer belong on the roads but in museums, and the deafening sounds coming from fighting people to vehicles, and hawkers, and shops that compete with each other for the loudest sounding music players.

Typical Lagos Mainland Scene

A lot of people would argue with me that this is the very essence of Lagos. And that all I have described are the smells of the hustle that symbolizes Lagos city and yes, I can agree with that. That does not mean I want to live there however!! Nuh-uh!!!

I work hard to afford the lifestyle I have and any man that wants to marry me has to be able to keep me in that life style. And no, that is not me being "over-the-top", it is me being real and honest with you!! If you meet a girl who drives a Range and lives in a penthouse in one of the choicest areas of town, my dear, either you match/ surpass her, or you shift, biko. How do you expect the marriage to work? Trust me, even Waje will run 4-40 if a man with "One naira" comes to marry her despite her song proclaiming "mu na gi ga nu garri" For where?!

My kids must have better than I had growing up and darling, I had it good!! I am not willing to manage a situation that will have me pulling out my hairs daily till I'm totally bald. The only other city I can live in quite happily is Abuja but fear don dey catch me for that side sef. So dear future husband, if you come to me like MI saying "Love me though the money is a maybe..." and insist on living on the mainland, kindly do not come near me now at all. I will find another husband. I am willing to work with you to maintain the cheese, but I will not follow you to drink garri and develop kwarshiokor. Miz said so! Send me someone like TI who has got wads of naira and would be willing to put a big boy in my life so I never want for anything.

When I am even praying that my dear future husband would get us a house in banana island. I have even been saving to support that mission.

So yes, I am a Lagos babe and I don't do bridges!! Case closed!!

That settled, where are y'all going tonight? It's been a while since I went dancing and tonight I am going to show my moves like Jagger!! Yeah baby!!! Okay, maybe Jagger doesn't quite cut the image I want. I will just stick with Shakira with some Ciara thrown in.

RATED PG 18

2011-09-10T14:03:00.000+01:00

Hello Darlings,

Like I said, today's post is rated so please if you are not up to 18, cover your eyes... thank you!

How many of us remember the song "Tonight is the Night" by Betty Wright? I always did love that song and today I am going to tell my own story so like Betty Wright...

",,,I want you all to do this for me if you will
Everybody think back to your very first time.
Now I'll give you a little while longer
Cause I know some of you
Have to think back a little further than others.
Come on now, I want you to play catch up.
Cause I don't want you waiting till I get to the end...
Saying, Oh yeah, now I remember.
Now whether it was good
Or you just smiling it was good
or on the other hand if it was not so good
Here's my story..."

I had just started life as an under-graduate and had already landed myself the hottest guy in school as my boyfriend. He was 4th year Medical student, sexy as sin, and he drove this really hot sports car that he always used to zoom past in school. I was the envy of every girl who consequently hated me for landing the guy every chic wanted to date.

We had a wonderful relationship that thrived mostly because we were both proud we landed the catch of the session... each other!!! Ha-ha.
After a while, the pressure mounted from him and from my friends. He wanted to cement our relationship and prove to me how much he cherished me. My friends persuaded me that if I did not give in to him I could lose him to other girls who were willing to give it up at no cost at all. I did not want to lose my bobo so I finally agreed and we fixed a date for when "It" would happen. In my usual fashion, I went shopping for lingerie and little romantic fripperies I wanted to use to make my first time truly special.

On said day, I was so nervous I spilled a glass of juice on my lecturer and got stuck with the dry cleaning bill. I was about to become a woman! I rushed home three hours before the designated time to set the mood. Think rose petals, scented candles, dim lights...

He finally arrived right on the hour with a single red rose and that single gesture had me turning into pudding inside. Was he not the sweetest?!

He insisted we dance first and all I could think of was... "this dude is truly sweet but he must have watched too many Hollywood romance movies. Can't he see how nervous I am?"
While dancing he stuck his tongue down my throat and I wriggled away from his embrace.

"No no no. You are supposed to kiss me very very gently. Not like that."

Then he tried again. Well, after several attempts to kiss me just right like I imagined he should on my first time, he finally got it right and managed to move me to lie on the bed. I was dying inside with apprehension. I kept thinking...

"My bed sheet is white... ouch!!! Do I have any pain-killers at all? Gosh, what am I about to do?"

While this was going on in my head, boy handsome had taken off his clothes and faced with a nude male body for the first time had my eyes open in shock and real fear. I was rooted to the spot. I could not move to save my life.

"Come on baby, lie down"

"Yes, yes lie down. Okay. Erm... do you want to watch a movie? Okay no. Put off the lights." He promptly went to switch it off...

"No no, it's too dark now. Put it back on. No, back on!" I said
"Baby, relax... I will not hurt you. I have done this before." he tried to calm me
"Let's forget you said that for now. I want wine. Let us drink wine." I huffed

While talking and talking in fear, it was done and I let out a little shriek.

"What just happened? That was it? No fireworks?"

Then I started to sob big fat tears. My special first was nothing after all but a shriek. In my haste to run to the bathroom and cry, I knocked over one of the candles and my bed sheet lit up in flames. What a way to crown the day!! I just slid to the floor where I proceeded to laugh hysterically as I watched him try to put off the fire with a bottle of the wine on the table, effectively worsening the fire.

Then he ran around till he finally found his way to the kitchen and got water to pour on the bed. The fire was eventually put out but my bed was a sorry sight and there was no way I was going to use my money to buy a new one... Yimu!!

He was truly a sweetheart though because he came to the floor to hold me in a tight hug and promise me next time would be better. After that day though, I refused to see him for weeks!! I was that embarrassed.

He bought a new mattress and bedsheets for me and even a bottle of wine that came with a note saying... "Hopefully this bottle would be used to douse an inner fire and not a physical one. Luv u" Truthfully, it was that note that made me give the relationship another try despite my embarrassment. So, there you have it. My memorable first time... smh.

Hugs and Hershey Kisses,

MIZ

Face Your front, dear!!

2011-09-09T00:06:00.001+01:00

Hello darlings!!!! How has your week been? As depressing as mine? Everybody seemed to be working together to piss me off. At the office, my PA managed to screw up the simplest task ever. H.R.M could not stop eating foods with too much garlic which irritated me greatly because for some insane reason he was always breathing down my neck trying to peep at my computer (or see into my cleavage... the twat).
Somi on her own end conveniently forgot about the lunch date we had planned thereby making me go all by myself allowing the opportunity for some seriously pot-bellied oaf to approach me with lettuce stuck between his teeth... GROSS!!!
And then to crown my annoyance, the dry cleaners burnt my Vera Wang dress!! I have had a simply horrid week but in the midst of it all I managed to get some gist that I hope would make you laugh as much as it made me. I laughed so hard I had tears running down my cheeks which were hurting so bad from all the laughter. Let me give you a clue on what this gist about... take your mind back to the movie "Pretty Woman" and then picture the elevator scene. Good!!!... Let's go!!!

I was at a very busy restaurant today trying to have some lunch before returning to the madness of the office. While waiting for my food which was annoyingly taking forever to arrive, I was "people-watching" as I usually do.

Just as I was about to bend my head to take a sip of my colada, I saw "action-film" being shot right in my very before. There was a couple seated 3 tables across from me, I estimated their respective ages to be about 40/45. I thought the wife looked like a crow ready to pounce on her prey and I was not wrong at all because just a few minutes after thinking that, I saw her stand up to land the man a dirty one smack across the cheek... GBOOM!!!! As yellow as the poor man was, his face instantly turned as red as a very ripe tomato.
Apparently, one of these Sisi eko's who have nothing else in their wardrobes but pants they like to call bum-shorts had passed by their table to find a seat. The poor man whose eyes were apparently hungry for such a sight followed her every movement till the moment she sat down and his mouth was hanging open like that of a drooling dog's which I guess is not far from what he was at that moment.
While he was busy engrossed in staring at sisi, his iyawo was busy setting her hand to land him a sweet slap. I can still hear the sound, it was that loud. Everybody stopped what they were doing to stare at the show that had just unfolded before us.

My oh my, this was totally worth the delay plus the crazy amount I had to pay for the food. Entertainment toh badt!!! When it finally dawned on the man that he had been slapped and in front of a crowd too, he equally stood and tried to do gra-gra with his wife who picked up a fork and warned him clearly enough that we could all hear her in the restaurant.

"Come near me with that pathetic body of yours and I will help you pluck out your philandering eyes that cannot seem to stay one place. Idiot!!! Olosi, oloriburuku, Omo Ale!! Look at you!!! Useless man!! Your mates are out there taking care of their responsibilities and you are here looking at every girl that crosses your path. If you could even impregnate someone I would understand but with all your waka-about, you are still as impotent as a fool. Good-for-nothing buffalo!!!"

Aaahhh... that one enter I am sure. The man just sat down heavily on his chair and bowed his head as if in shame or pain. Before I could shout "WAITER", the man was up and pursuing his wife with the table knife. You should have seen both of them wielding their cutlery weapons and running round and round the restaurant. The poor waiters were bewildered as to what to do. Me I was busy laughing!!!! CHEIIIII...!!!! I could not stop the laughter so I just kept right on laughing as I watched the security men enter the fray while trying to restore peace in the restaurant. No entertainment better than that, I swear down!!! I could not even eat the food any more when they brought it. I was full from laughter. I had to ask them to pack it for me to take back to work. I was entertained for days!!!

Abeg, work dey tomorrow before laughter holds me captive here again tonight. Sleep well my darlings.

Hugs and hershey Kisses,

MIZ

SCAMMERS ANONYMOUS...

2011-09-03T20:10:00.001+01:00

Wetin I take this my ear hear yesterday ehn...!!! Chei!!! Na wa oh...!! Twitter fine boiz and gbogbo bigz gals, I hail una oh!!!
Okay, so I went over to the Radisson Blu yesterday afternoon to have lunch with a friend who came into town from Abuja. While enjoying my meal at the Surface bar and Grill, this gist popped up. Obviously there is this dude on twitter whose sole aim is to get rich off of vulnerable kind-hearted ladies with excess cash to throw away. His twitter handle will be revealed partially at the end of this gist, but one clue... he is into heights. So, look again at any follower of yours who is into same thing because he just might be out to work on you... and your wallet!! Abeg, take that money to buy better something for yourself jare.

According to a friend of his who was also having lunch with us and who was duped by this dude, they started off with the normal retweets and mentions as we all do on twitter. And then, the DMs started rolling in before they decided to meet as per friends concerned. The dude told her a sob story about his mom being critically ill and in need of medical attention and him being ~~piss-ass~~ broke so could not afford to take her to the hospital as he should. I don't know if he put jazz in his mouth oh, because the babe I saw did not look like a fool to me, but what she did next can only be described as grossly foolish because the babe sharp sharp gave him a hundred grand!! Ol' boy, see daylight robbery oh!!! I am a proud Lagos babe!! I cannot be swindled!! I never finish to collect, I go come dey give man. Except I know you personally and I know you are good for a loan, never!!!! My mama did not give birth to me in Lagos just so I can end up counting the bridges we have.
The most interesting part is, I heard he has collected reasonable sums from over 10 different ladies telling them varied sob stories. Most amazing is a girl who emptied her life savings that totalled 400,000.00 naira to give to this Mofo!! Kai... somebody direct me to her, please!!! She needs serious spanking and I am just the right person to give it to her. In this day and time when we all know how people live to collect your hard-earned money... ha!!! Na real wa oh!! the gist weak me no be small. I am still shaking my head in wonder.

Anyway, forget this gist for now (well, except you have fallen victim! then please queue up to be flogged!!!), I went to The Marquee yesterday with Vixen and a couple of other friends. We went cray cray in there... Wow!!! DJ Jimmy Jatt was in the building and he was spinning the wheels like he knows how!! You know your girl likes to groove, right? I grooved mehn... TDB (till day break)!!!
There was a moment when I sat down to devour a plate of buffalo wings and fries (yummy!!). When I am out anywhere, I love to people-watch. Very entertaining hobby too, I must say. So while my eyes roved, they quickly zeroed in on this chic who was as good as naked... Wowza!!!! She had on a black very sheer dress with a thong on so everyone could see her butt and bra with cleavage in very clear detail. That was so not sexy, I tell you. On a beach or by the poolside, I would understand the thong and bra but in the club... NO NO NO!!! To make matters worse, she was shaking her bum so hard and generally being a serious "baza-queen". I appreciate the female body oh, but I am no 3737 to want to be seeing the female body in public display like she had hers. Bride price don reduce sharperly... her poor folks!
Speaking of being a 3737, I would truly like to know why guys are turned on by it. Guys please tell me oh!!!

Alright darlings, I have to sway out of here now. I have a guest... *wink! But first, remember to look out for James Heights!
Hugs and Hershey kisses,

MIZ

I DEY CATCH COLD

2011-08-27T07:07:00.001+01:00

I just had a flashback to those days when I used to hear these preachers come out early in the morning at say 5am, with their bells or mega phones to pronounce doom on everybody sleeping.

"Repent or you will burn in the pits of hell!! (Bells clanging). The beast will take you prisoner and you will rot forever as his captive unless you repent NOW!!! (more clanging)"

If you have never heard these people at work, have you at least received tracts that curse you to perdition if you do not stop being a sinner?
I am a Christian, in fact I have an extra-special relationship with Baba God but trust me, I will never threaten you into submission oh!!! The Book of Revelations is enough to scare the sin away from you!
I remember I used to give my life to Christ every morning when I heard that eerie prediction and I was just a wee lil' kid whose sole mission in Life was to grow up and be a doctor so I can take care of all the sick people in the world!! Speaking of which, how did my glorious medical self become a self-absorbed fashionista designing adverts and promoting companies? Na lie jor, somebody stole my destiny!! I refuse to accept that I ran away from the dream when I heard I would be operating on cadavers in the university... emi ke?! Lai lai!!! (Sisi Yemmie don't ask me why I am so nigerian jor!! Yes, we repeat words. You know it sounds better, truetrue.)

These days once I see a tract that looks remotely like it is about to melt me in fire, I run!! "Oso ndu" like my ibo self would say. I no fit shout.

So the reason for my waking up early this saturday to remember my way into fear is the recent happenings in the world especially as my beloved Naija has become deeply embroiled in it, reminding me that the Son of God might come this very minute. Hold on... let me take a minute to pray again!

Okay, I feel better but it might last for just a few minutes till I remember that the world is coming to an end again. You dey laugh? This one no be laff mata oh!! The bomb blast in the UN office at Abuja yesterday with devastating results, the floods in the north and one western state, and then the ocean surges in my Las Gidi that I used my own eyes to witness yesterday!! This is naija alone oh. We have not entered Hurricane Irene about to devastate the American east coast, Libya, Japan, Haiti again,... and the list goes on!! By the way, why is every bad thing named after a woman? Kilode now?! Hurricane Katrina, Hurricane Irene... I know we can be mad ~~bitches~~ but that is often when we feel slighted or something, and do not quote "or something" as the reason. I can bet you it is a group of men that name these things after women, rme.

You should see the ocean surges! Alpha beach is no more, as well as Kuramo. All we have left of them are fond memories of days spent picking shells and eating suya while day-dreaming and staring at the ocean from the safety of our sandy beaches. Well, we also have nollywood movies where every couple in love have to play hide-and-seek on the beach and round a palm tree before their love is considered genuine, hehehehe. I should go and stock up on those movies for history reasons. My kids might not have a beach to visit if this trend continues, but at least with these movies they will know that once upon a time, LaS Gidi boasted of sandy beaches with white shells and creeping crabs (I will have to tell them those ones by mouth sha!)

So because of the ocean surges, the venue for the SGC for S.A.M.I Fashion Sales Fundraiser has been moved from the G12 Bar Oniru Private beach to the SS Lounge, Sapara Williams Close, off Idowu Martins (where we have Mega Plaza). The date is still the 28th of August (tomorrow) and it starts at 2pm. Celebrities will be there. The Press will be there. Fashion will soar while we touch the cell of someone precious.

Seriously though, this is not a nice development. I love my island and do not plan to relocate to the mainland. This is where it all goes down and forgive me for sounding posh but why would anyone not want to live on the island though? We are very organized here. No conductor shouting "Ketu, Ojota, Mile 12... wole!!!". No molue fighting with me for right of way on the road. I am scared of those contraptions. The traffic here is not filled with black smoke and rickety molues pushing me off my path and blocking my vision nor a danfo driver stopping smack in the middle of the road to jest with his fellow danfo driver who lost the speed race to him. Well, except you live in Obalende or go all the way to Ajah which I know will soon be posher than it is sef once these Hi-tech people stop focusing on the toll station and build the road they were commissioned to do.

I am seeing my dreams of owning a waterfront place in banana island going up in smoke... Noooo!!!!
Ocean surge, please stop!!! Do not ruin my dream since my days of reading Mills and Boon romances.

Okay, that's it. I am hungry. I need to go rustle up some breakfast now. First though, somebody please help me tell Uncle Jona to stop bending head and start fighting these Boko Haram people fire-for-fire. The people we have lost were people with dreams like you and I. People with red sole louboutins that they would never wear again. Maybe someone we danced with in the club. Or crossed paths with in traffic, the bank, the mall... anywhere. They could be me or you!!! I do not want this fear we are being forced to live with!!! It is unhealthy and creeping the hell out of me. Please.

While I eat, please be safe!!

Hugs and hershey Kisses,

MIZ

Omoge Campus

2011-08-25T11:02:00.002+01:00

I should have updated a day ago, but something came up hence the delay. Awon girls can like to form sha oh!!!!! That is the center of the tafia I am sharing with you people today. First though, how many people have RSVP'd for the SGC for S.A.M.I fund raiser I spoke about? Don't dull oh!!!

Okay... my gist. I went to the Protea Kuramo waters hotel on sunday with a couple of friends to swim. When I got there, I noticed some oyibo people by the Pool and in their midst was this "sele-nse" naija babe in a tacky gold swim suit (that thing should be burnt... ach!!!). She was my major form of entertainment that day. I was not laughing oh, I am not that rude (actually I was too entertained to miss a moment while laughing).

This chic was not wearing the swimsuit initially oh. She had on a serious bum short and an "Ama Kip Kip" T-shirt that molded her "assets" extremely well, I must say. The babe was heavy up there, chei!!! One of the dudes with my crew kept sneaking glances at it. Pity she was with a 70-year old lebanese man who looked like he'd keel over if the wind blew in his direction. Wetin she dey do with that one sef? I weak oh!!! I like money too, but I can bet you that the lustful dude I mentioned would have spent more money on her in support of the Manchester. She had nothing to speak of behind though, so the swim suit drooped at the bum as if she pooped or something... eeeuuuww!!! I should not have said that. She had a pretty face though and nice skin.

There was another girl in the party. A truly cute tiny under-age white girl whom I can wager is not a day older than 16. She was with a 35-year old looking white cute dude (but come oh... does that not classify as child abuse?)

Description over, entertainment starts. Aunty Gold suit stood up at one point and said

"we came here to swim and we are all relaxing here instead of swimming. I am going to change and start swimming, you people should join me." That was how the sisi went to change into her gold suit and stepped carefully into the pool. Na fear hold the babe oh!!
I thought she would enter and start doing some Michael Phelps stunts instead the babe stood in one spot smiling and swimming with her mouth that didn't keep quiet for one second.

"Kai, this water is cold oh!! And the sun is so hot. Should the water not be warm? Sweetheart, you did not warn me." Then she trilled in laughter
"Sweetheart, come inside now. Come and keep me warm. All of you come inside. Please bring my drink for me. Will they allow it? I want baileys."

A while later her companions joined her in the pool and then true film show started. The young dude with the 16 year old were doing all lovey- dovey, with him carrying her to swim and all. Then the dude backed her into a corner close to where I was at the deep end.

"Kiss me" He said
"No, I cannot." She replied shyly
"It will be nice. Just wrap your legs around my waist and lean into me. Let me teach you the pleasures kissing can bring." He coerced

Chineke!!! See romance movie going on right beside me oh!! I used style to move closer for a better view. Ehhhnnn... I like tafia but you people are worse than me. So it's all good!!

On the other side, aunty gold suit was in her corner with Grandpa dancing to P-square's "Chop my money". I like that song... for very obvious reasons too!! The song is very danceable and it gives me hope that men would offer women an open cheque to chop their money to our heart's content!!!
Her dance style is something better seen because I no fit describe am sef.

"I cannot wait to go back to school. I told you I am a student. Lectures must have started now and they are giving out flyers for the lecture already." Sister-Gold-Swimsuit say WHAT?!!!! Flyers for lecture kwa? What school is that?! Where is it?! My eyes were as wide as saucers and I almost swallowed the pool water.

It is a pity I had to leave at that time because we had already gotten our tickets to see "Bad Teacher" at Genesis Deluxe Cinema. I would have loved so dearly to hear her explantion of how she uses a flyer to study. Umu nwanyi... I hail us!!!

I am going back to work. Talk to you soon.
Hugs and Hershey kisses,

MIZ

SGC for S.A.M.I Fund Raiser

2011-08-23T16:56:00.000+01:00

I love any opportunity to have fun!!! I have to live while I still have my life, so don't blame me.
There is a fund raiser coming up on sunday the 28th of august (that's next week) by the way. It is being organized by V14 ventures as a precursor to the main SGC event I have been gisting y'all of.
I appreciate anything to ease the pain being suffered by fellow humans especially little ones. This fund raiser will be benefiting the Sickle-cell Advocacy and Management Initiative (S.A.M.I).

Knowing me as I hope you do from our plenty tatafo sessions, you must know I have one serious love... fashion!! And I am going to get a serious dose at this fund raising event, yezzurrr!!! They are selling strictly fashion items from clothes, to costume and beaded accessories as well as little fripperies ladies would love. The gents are being catered to as well so I am dragging all the men I can lay my hands on over there. They can shop for themselves as well as for me. Before I drift into gist mode you should know...

TIME: Sunday 28th August, 2011
2pm- 6pm

LOCATION: G12 Bar Oniru Private Beach, Victoria Island

DRESS CODE: Sexy and free (it is the beach after-all!)

Basically, dress to look your best because this event would be covered by Lagos state Television (LTV) and Ovation Nigeria. Celebrities would be there too so put your famzing smiles on!!!

And for the record, I heard the first 40 people to arrive would not be required to pay for entrance... absolutely free!!! Woo-hoo!!!!

So darlings, let's show how charitable we are!! How caring we can be. Let's do as they have said in their message... "Come touch a cell, come celebrate courage, come give hope, come let's make the world brighter!! Come famz with stars!"

Gist in my next post for my tafia-loving darlings!!!
Hugs and hershey kisses,

MIZ

Down the Aisle...

2011-08-15T16:48:00.001+01:00

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I got a marriage proposal yesterday from the most unlikely sources!!! Seriously. I am still mega freaked out. Well, maybe not too freaked out but gosh... that was the weirdest experience ever. *Mental shake-down* Grrrrr...!!!!

This was not one of those experiences that have me laughing, mba. I am close to tears actually. I cannot even concentrate on work today, my mind keeps shifting to the marriage proposal I got yesterday.

I was jejely in my apartment watching Vampire Diaries and drooling over Damon, when I heard the doorbell ring. Curious to see who it was because the security men usually call me to alert me of guests, I padded barefoot to the door and saw this dude standing in a uniform through the peep-hole. Recognizing him, I opened my door.

"Albert, what's up? Is everything alright?" I asked
"Errmm, yes. I actually wanted to speak with you about something very important. May I come in please, Miz?" he replied

I gestured for him to come inside and sit down.

"Please, can you go and wear something different? Don't be offended oh. I just cannot concentrate to tell you what I want with you in these clothes." he said just as I was about to sit down and hear his reason for being in my apartment.

Shuo!!!! I surprise no be small oh!! You come my house dey order wetin I go wear. Anyway, really curious at this time, I went in to change from my bum shorts to a maxi dress.

"E-hen, oya talk Albert. What's up? Person die?" I queried as soon as I returned to the living room
"No oh. Ha-ha. God forbid. Nobody will die in Jesus name, haaa!!!" I just had to roll my eyes at this point. Would he get to the point already or get out and allow me continue my Damon love.

"Actually, I have been having a particular dream for the past one week. I have fought and fought. I have even prayed and prayed, but it seems I had no option but to conquer my shyness and come to meet you today. You know, sometimes somethings come to us through dreams. God reveals supernatural things to us, and I am what my people would call a 'wuli' in my church. I do not know if you understand yoruba but that means 'seer'. I see things through dreams and they always come true. You have to believe and ..."

"Dude, you need to speak up. I have stuff to do. Stop dancing around. Did they tell you I am going to grow horns in your dream? abi they just sent you to come and grate on my nerves." I interrupted him mid- speech because I see the dude gearing up for an hour long sermon

"Sorry" To my great surprise, this dude went down on one knee and fished this plastic case containing an emel ring out of his pocket.

"You were revealed to me as my wife. I have prayed and prayed about it and God has told me you are my missing rib. The mother of my 6 children. The woman that will comfort me in my old age. Please Miz, consider the courage it took me to come up here and talk to you. Consider God before you reject me. I can see you are about to. Please."

Eeehhhnnn... I was about to race out of there. That was just a tad too eerie, like WTH!!! My security man just proposed to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could not even move to save my life. I was shell- shocked, I swear down. I just sat there like a truck just ran over me.

After about 10 minutes of my mouth hanging open and my eyes bulging out of their sockets, I just had to do something before the guy would probably take my silence for consent and slip the ring onto my finger. That thought had me standing up like the fires of hell had taken over my seat.

"Errmm, Albert. Thank you very much for your courage, but you should have saved it for your real wife. Trust me, if God reveals the same thing to me no wahala. But God has revealed to me that my husband will be richer than me when I meet him and better than me over- all. Am I going to be feeding you and clothing you? I already pay your salary. No offense meant oh, I mean I truly appreciate your courage. You are very bold, and your ring is quite cute too (it was tacky actually), but sorry, NO has to do. Thank you for coming ehn..." I quickly ushered him to the door and ran to call Seke who promptly burst into laughter. Ol' boy, see me see wahala oh!! Who did I offend na? Cheiii...!!!

On a brighter note biko, I know talented people who make beautiful things you would not want to miss. Check these out...

These anklets were made by Valentina of V14 ventures. Are they not simply sexy? For all your beaded accessories, holla at her on v14ventures@yahoo.com, or you follow her on twitter through www.twitter.com/valuvme.

On second thoughts, there is a fund raiser coming up as a pre- event for the SGC 2011 for sickle cell event. Her accessories will be part of the items for sale too, so be on the alert as I will post more details here and on twitter. Have to go now darlings. Hugs and Hershey kisses.

MIZ