In Chioma's Mind

FAST & FURIOUS 6???

2013-06-10T04:29:00.005-07:00

Hi,

Been a while since I gave my own take on a Hollywood movie but after I saw the latest movie from the Fast & Furious franchise, I knew I had to say something.

First of all, if you love Fast cars, flying men and over-used comic punch lines, you will certainly love this movie. It will be nice to see men who weigh 120kg of raw bones and muscle haul themselves in the air like paper kites…well, if that’s what tickles your fancy.

Then of course, there’s the chick fights which starred my all-time favorite; Michelle Rodriguez and for that, I will let the sloppy continuity errors slide. As for the guy fights? It’s all the hardcore, body-slamming, neck-breaking tag-team action you’ll get to see Friday nights on Wrestlemania; the regular actors inclusive. At some point, I thought Dwanye Johnson was about to mount a car and do his signature pose while the audience cheered, “Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?!!”(Who am I kidding? I secretly wished he would) But, don’t get me wrong, there’s more to the fights that I can describe, after all, you did pay N1500 for something you would watch for free on TV.

But hey, don’t go thinking that the movie isn’t a must-see, because you ‘must see’ Ludacris with his shirt off (teehee) and the best part, Jason Statham (yes, you read right…Jason “the Transporter guy” Statham) make a threatening phone call while walking away from an exploding car. That’ll definitely get you thinking why in the world wasn’t he in the other five movies???

xoxo

THE OTHER WOMAN (2)

2013-04-13T12:05:00.000-07:00

Hey People,

Hope y'all are having a great weekend.
Here's Part Two...

Love,
C. Uwakwe

Jessica had never been so shocked in her entire life. For a few seconds, she was certain that her heart had stopped beating as she stood there like an ice statue. The woman who had just spoken to her had the calmest expression on her face, topped with a very sinister smile.

Speak! Move! Don’t just stand there! Do something!

But at that moment, her brain could not get her body to act accordingly. Her eyes stayed fixated on the beautiful middle aged woman in front of her as if she was in a mind trance.

How did I get here?

Nearly one year ago, she was standing in this same spot desperately praying for the door to open and a potential customer to walk in. She had been five months at the job and her sales figures were not looking too good. She was on probation for the previous week’s poor performance and her supervisor had threatened to query her and report to HR. It was Thursday and all she had sold was one television set on hire purchase. So leaving her house that morning, she was determined to pull out all her cards to get in sales.

The door had eventually opened and she was the first to meet the man at the door with a flyer and a big smile.

“Would you like to try our new 3D evolution plasma TV sir?” she had said with an urgent tone in her voice practically shoving the colorful flyer into his hand.

He took it with a bewildered look on his face and replied, “A good day to you too ma’am”

Jessica felt a little embarrassed. She had been so eager to make her sale she had forgotten to use to standard greeting which included a “hello” and a “good day.”She had immediately apologized and went on to introduce herself and the products they had on display. While doing that, she took time to look at the tall, handsome well-built man in his early forties. He had on a pair of horn-rimmed glasses and even with his dashing appearance, he had that noticeable air of un-sureness about him.

After her routine introductions, he went on to explain that he was just looking to purchase a new tablet as his had gone caput this morning and wasn’t sure he could survive the day without one. She had been disappointed as she led him to their phone and tablet section to hand him over to the salesperson there. To her surprise, he noticed her dampened spirit and asked her what the matter was. She recalled looking straight into his eyes and feeling a sort of warm comeliness that made her tell him all that she had been through that week. To her surprise, he became so concerned and asked if she didn’t mind, he could purchase a home theatre system for his kids’ room.

Is he an angel or something?

She had been attracted to him from that very moment. He seemed like a sweet, caring man and it had been a while since she had met anyone quite like that. There was only one problem; He was happily married to a beautiful woman who was in studying in the US. They had exchanged contacts and after a few weeks of texting and calling each other, they had decided to have dinner together. When she arrived at the venue, he had prepared a romantic dinner at the Chinese restaurant where they ate and talked for hours. By the end of the evening, she was certain that he too was attracted to her.

“What about your wife?” She had sincerely asked as she lay in his arms later that night. He had pulled her closer to himself, kissed her right ear and whispered into it softly, “there’s enough love in my heart for you both.”

She knew he truly loved her and she loved him to. He was everything she had hoped for in a man and more. He took her to nice places and bought her expensive gifts. Above all, he cared about her family and her general well-being. One time, he had sent a birthday present to her mother and in her excitement, her mother had insisted she brought him home so that he could ‘do the needful’. She recalled tactfully changing the topic because the last thing her mother would want to know was that he was already married with two kids.

All was going on fine until three months ago when she called him for their usual night chat and he didn’t answer. She called him a couple of times more before she got a busy tone. She had been worried that something bad had happened to him especially when he still didn’t answer the next morning. During her break, she took a cab to his Ikoyi office and to her surprise his reception asked her to go into his office and meet him. He seemed happy to see her and she told him she had been worried about him.

“My wife and kids came home late last night,” he said as his face became really sad. She sank heavily into his office sofa as she felt like her whole world was collapsing underneath her. “So what happens to me?” She had asked with her eyes to the ground so he couldn’t see the tears welling up in her eyes. He sat down next to her and took her face gently in his hands before he replied, “I still love you Jess.”

She wanted to believe him but the next few weeks showed that everything had changed. It wasn’t just the unreturned calls and the cancelled dates or even the ten-minute love-making session in their favorite hotel room before dashing home to meet his curfew. Everything was different; her head and her heart felt it. She had tried talking to him about her feelings but he had reassured her with romantic messages and some expensive gifts.

She wanted to hold on and see if it would change until the night he called his wife’s name while making love to her. He had stopped for a second to confirm if she had heard him but her face didn’t betray what she had heard loud and clear. That night after he left, she cried herself to sleep because she knew it was all over. She stopped taking his calls and refused to see him even when he came by the store. He left her countless voice messages and texts, pleading for forgiveness for whatever he had done but she was not moved. She was determined to ignore him until he gave up and left her alone.

Why had SHE stopped sleeping with HER husband?

How do I begin to answer such a question?

TO BE CONTINUED

THE OTHER WOMAN

2013-04-04T10:54:00.000-07:00

Hello Peeps!!!

Long time no see eh? Ok...Ok...I admit it, planning a three-phase wedding in six months is far from easy,, even for me. But I'm so glad to be back.

Here's something I've been working on for a bit.

Lemme know what you think ok?

Love,

C.Uwakwe

Stella knew this street like the back of her hand. But, then again, who didn't? Sanusi Fafunwa was one of the most popular streets in the Lagos Island Central Business District and at two pm, it was abuzz with activities. Workers rushing back to their offices after a well-needed lunch break, the cars moving in slow motion even during the afternoon rush and the shops displaying their wares, beckoning on passersby in an albeit arrogant manner. It was as though their open doors were open arms, calling out to them to come have a look or taste, to come in and spend their hard earned money.

To come in so they can steal their husbands.

She sighed loud enough for her driver to look into the rearview mirror at her. She quickly averted his concerned gaze by staring out to the street. She had warned him on several occasions in the past that his rearview mirror was for one thing; to see his rear view of the road and not of her, but clearly he was yet to learn. They were now only a few metres away and her heart suddenly started to beat faster. She wasn’t sure what emotion had triggered this reaction; Doubt? Fear?...Concern?

What do you think you are doing?

She had to steady her heart by reassuring herself that she was doing this with the best intentions. She had gone over this more than a hundred times in the last few days, it was almost as if she was rehearsing a role in a school play. If it were really a play, it would be a tragio-comedy with a nicely twisted plot. The audience would be left wondering if she was the villain she appeared to be but, in the end, they would see she was the hero who swooped in the save the day.

Almost there now. You can turn around. You don’t have to cause yourself any more pain.

Pain? She let out a small laugh. What more pain is there? Pain was something she had become accustomed to. Like a lousy neighbor or a friend who was always late. Pain is when your husband comes home each night smelling of a female perfume and has to have guilt sex with you while you pretend to be loving it.

Yes, pain was her friend now.

It wasn’t all bad before. In fact, it wasn’t all bad now. He had never stopped loving her; it was even safe to say he loved her even more. He told her every day that he had loved her from the very first day he laid eyes on her.

********************************

Stella was having the fun of her life when they met. She had a good job which paid very well, a nice car and a comfortable apartment on the mainland. It was on one of those Friday evenings when she went out to have a drink at an upscale bar that he had seen her. He had walked over to talk to her hours after she had arrived and his friends had given him enough courage to do so.

“You are so beautiful” was what he said while gazing into her eyes like he had seen something wonderful. Stella was completely smitten from the onset, majorly by his innocence and passionate character. From that day onwards, he showered her with all the love, attention and gifts any woman could possibly ask for. When he proposed five months later, there was no doubt in her mind that he was the one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

Five years and two kids later, she was still as much in love with him as he was with her. Even when she had to spend sixteen months studying in Louisiana, she had not a single doubt in her mind that he had stay faithful to her.

******************

Stella shifted uncomfortably in her seat as she looked out at the store just a few minutes away. Its bold red sign post now looked like a grotesque bloody scrawl.

How can you hate someone so much without knowing them?

How can you hurt someone so much without knowing them?

She asked her driver to find a parking spot and finally got out of the car. She crossed the busy street with caution and headed to the store that sold attractive electrical appliances. As soon as she entered the brightly lit store, she immediately felt chilly but not from the sudden gust of air conditioning.

“Can I help you madam?”

The voice startled her and she spun around to meet a pair of big beautiful brown eyes and an enticing smile. She knew the face too well and suddenly she felt more disgusted than angry. The lady was still smiling and Stella wished she could smack that smile right off her red-painted lips. But she knew that what she was about to say would certainly do that…and more.

“Yes, Can you tell me why you've stopped sleeping with MY husband??”

TO BE CONTINUED

THE ROAD TO INSANITY (2) by Dr. Rey Smith

2012-03-21T02:02:00.001-07:00

Hello People,

I hope you have been having a good week. Mine has been pretty eventful, but, I will give you that gist later. So here's the concluding part of THE ROAD TO INSANITY and it was written by one of my ardent readers; Dr. Rey Smith. It's quite a story, I must say, almost as if I had written it myself.

Check it out!

It was now 11.47pm. Kaka did not know where to go. It’s been over 4 hours she left the house, driving aimlessly about in the rain with her daughter.

She couldn’t go to her parents’. She wasn’t in for the usual endurance pitch from her parents: “You have to endure o. There has never been a single-mother in our family line and you will not be the first”. As if being a single mother is leprosy.

Then she remembered the refuge home for women suffering domestic violence, run by the Stella Damasus, the Nollywood celebrity. She had read about it on the internet. She looked about for a safe place to stop and park. Then her daughter woke up. While she rocked her back to sleep with one hand, she used the other hand to search on the net with her phone for the address of the refuge home. 117, Adeniran Olusanya, Surulere.

“Madam settle us o”. She heard a guttural voice from her side of the car. She looked up, there were two men there. Hungry looking, bloodshot eyes, scary faces. She froze. She knew any false move, she would be in trouble. “Madam we no be beggars o. We go waste you and your pikin now if you no cooperate. Wind down, wind down”, the taller, meaner one commanded. As he spoke, he reached for an object from inside the rucksack he was carrying.

Something told Kaka, “You will be dead in the next minute if you do not move!”. She summoned her courage and zoomed off at a neck-breaking speed. The two men ran after the car. One of them hit the wind screen and shattered it in the process. She screamed at the sound of shattered glass. But she moved on. She was lucky the road was near empty. Her baby was now crying hysterically. “Sorry baby, we will both be okay”. She stopped, after she had driven at top speed for about 20 minutes, when she got to a gas station where the attendants were wrapping up the day’s activities. She was visibly shaken.

“Na those bad peoples o. Madam why you too dey waka for night with small pikin like this? Bad peoples is too plenty for road for night o”. That was the response of the night security man as she tried to narrate her ordeal to the attendants. “Where would she start from?” she thought to herself as the yellow-stained-teeth security man walked away apparently in disgust at her for being out so late.

She rolled up her glass and continued her journey to the refuge home. She got there 12:50am. Kaka got out of the car and banged at the gate. No response, no sound. From outside, the place looked desolate. What was she to do? She banged at the gate again. This time harder and repeatedly as she cursed Jide under her breath.

After a while, she heard a voice: “Who is you? We don close o! Come tomorrow”. The sound of a voice was a relief.

Kaka stayed two days in the refuge home before she contacted her parents on phone. Her parents had gone visiting her at home when they discovered Jide’s almost lifeless body on the floor of the living room with blood stains around his head and on the rug. Kaka was nowhere to be found. They had rushed him to the hospital and he regained consciousness the following day. Her parents were by Jide’s bed side when her call came in. Her mother was livid on the phone: “It is forbidden for you to raise hands to beat your husband, talk less of beating him to a coma. Abomination! I didn’t raise you to be a husband beater o”

No one was willing to hear her own side of the story. She was the villain and Jide, the victim. So sad. Jide had asked to be given the phone to speak with her. He apologized profusely to her and asked her to come back home. Kaka would not bulge. Jide was wondering what a scandal it would be, if the church got to know the rift between him and his wife, especially his wife-beating habit. What a shame it would be for the church to learn that his wife had sent him to the hospital bed from beating. His church membership may dwindle further. He could not afford for this ministry business to fail. What to do? He thought to himself. For the sake of the ministry, he has to keep his family together.

When Jide was out of the hospital the 3^rd day, he went to the refuge home with Kaka’s parents and they begged and pressurized her to return to her matrimonial home. She eventually gave in and returned home with Jide.

That was to be the greatest mistake of her life.

The bandage and wound on Jide’s head was explained off to the church and friends as a domestic accident and life went on as usual for another four months.

One Sunday evening, an argument had ensured between Jide and Kaka over an amorous text message Kaka saw on Jide’s phone from one of the church members in the choir. Her hunches had told her all along that something was going down between her husband and Ifeoma. Now, this text confirmed she was right all along. When she confronted her husband with the text, he was enraged. He screamed at her: “What are you doing with my phone! How dare you touch my phone! Since when have you started running through my messages? You bitch! Don’t you have respect for my privacy?” Kaka barked back: “ Which privacy? I can’t touch your phone, but I can touch your private part when you are horny. Which one should be more private?”

Jide threw her a blinding slap. She fell on the floor. He lounged at her on the floor, screaming: “You will not get a second chance to humiliate me! You bitch!” He grabbed her head and hit it violently with so much hate in him, on the floor severally. Kaka passed out.

It was Jide himself who rushed her to the hospital. Ironically, as he drove her unconscious body through the streets in his car, the DJ on radio was playing Tracy Chapman’s “Last Night”.

Kaka came out of the coma after five days in the hospital and she was never again to regain her sanity. She had become “one of them thang” at the psychiatric hospital.

P Square Ft Akon & May D - Chop My Money [Official video]

2012-03-08T02:26:00.001-08:00

Cant't get enough of this video...Hope y'all like it too!

THE ROAD TO INSANITY

2012-02-29T04:13:00.001-08:00

Kaka was driving as fast as she possibly could in spite of the pouring rain.

She glanced into the rearview mirror at her one year old baby girl fast asleep in her child seat. She was in her cute Barney pyjamas and her face was as peaceful as an angel.

“Evil angel,” she muttered under her breath as she cursed DNA for giving her all her father’s facial features. She glanced at the sleeping child again. She could almost see the crimson red trickle over the right eye moving towards the right nostril. She shook her head to get the image out and concentrated on what she could make of the road in the heavy downpour. She saw bright red tail lights a few kilometers ahead and thought to herself to follow them. She was going to drive tonight as long as there was a road underneath her tyres. She had money in her bag and fuel in her tank and she was going to go as far as they could take her.

She glanced at her baby once more and suddenly felt pity for the innocent child. What on earth was she going to tell her when she asked why she couldn’t go back home? What was she going to say when she asked for her daddy?

Her mind went back to the Jide, her husband, lying almost lifeless on the living room floor. She was certain that their expensive Persian rug would be soaked in his blood by now. May be he was dead, she thought almost emotionless, or maybe he was just unconscious.

She too had been in that same position, almost a year ago. She recalled that she had just had the baby and they had been arguing about his mother coming to live with them after her first stroke. Her stand was that it would be difficult for her to take care of the baby, go to work and still cater to an invalid. He felt insulted that his mother would be called an invalid instead of believing in faith that she was “strong”. She had emphasized that truly his mother was an invalid since the stroke had left the right side of her body paralyzed and so needed constant attention. She had barely finished her statement when he had given her a resounding slap. It wasn’t one of those slaps that gave you the opportunity to stand and be shocked, it was the kind of slap that sent her spinning across the living room and over the sofa.

She smirked sarcastically as she remembered trying to fight back with all the strength she could muster. That was another mistake because he took that to mean disrespecting his position as head of the house. After a while she pulled her thighs to her chest and curled up into a ball on the floor assuming the only defensive posture she had learnt from her childhood karate lessons. He kicked and punched for a while but when he saw it was impossible to hit her hard enough in that position, he reached for his belt. He had gotten a couple of lashes in before he lost grip of the steel buckle. Amidst her baby’s wailing, she had heard the clang of the metal as it broke into her skull.

She had awoken the next morning in the hospital with short term memory loss and six stitches over her left ear. She recalled there were flowers all over her hospital room and Jide was as apologetic as ever. She had sworn to leave him after that incident but when he got family and friends to plead with her, she decided to stay.

The rain was starting to stop and she breathed a sigh of relief. She looked into the rearview mirror at the face of her baby. The same face had brought her so much pain and unhappiness. Now she only wished she had seen the signs. She wished she had seen something that would make her suspicious before she married him. But there had been nothing, nothing at all.

When Jide proposed to her a year after they started dating, he had just started working in one of the prominent commercial banks. However, after their wedding, the CBN consolidation exercise took place and his bank had to merge with another bank and in the process, Jide lost his job. Shortly after that, he became born again and started spending more time in their neighborhood church than he did at home. They were both hopeful for a new job while she was managing a small business centre within the area. When business was good, she was able to provide for both of them. The real problem started when Jide had a disagreement with the Senior Pastor of the church which led to him leaving the church to establish his own. At first, she had been unsure of the idea of starting a church in their home but she had prayed about it and decided to play the supportive wife.

...to be continued

David Guetta - When Love Takes Over (FeatKelly Rowland)

2012-02-29T02:05:00.000-08:00

SINGLE AND SCREWED?

2012-02-26T12:29:00.002-08:00

Hello People!

Sorry for the week long silence. You see, when its close to the end of the month like it is now, we salespersons turn into android robots trying to meet up the monthly target.
'Tis crazy indeed.
So this weekend i made the biggest mistake any single person can ever make; I agreed to attend my friend's baby's one year old birthday party.
Before you go judging me, let me explain the situation and why I said it was such a fiasco.

You see, Chika* and I had been best friends all through school but when we graduated and started to find our paths in life, we had a big fight that ended in our seperation. That happened four years ago. Well last week, I was going through some old documents when I saw her old number scribbled on a magazine. I decided to dial the number and surprisingly, she was still using the same number.

The following day, I was eager to see her so we fixed a lunch date. During our date, I learnt that she had gotten married and had a baby. So she pleaded with me to attend her baby's first birthday party and i foolishly agreed.

Upon arrival, Chika* had greeted me at the gate saying that I looked so classy which in her opinion "would drive the guys away" and that "I wasn't getting any younger". I was still trying to recover from that strike when her elder sister (who was married straight out of school) came out and said that I looked like i had had three kids since the last time we saw each other.
At this point, I was doing everything in my power to lash out at someone so I calmly sat down under the canopy, far away from any family. I was sitting peacefully when I felt a tug at my dress and when I turned around, it was a little girl calling me, "Mommy...Mommy". I was so close to blurting "Bitch! I ain't yo momma!!!" then I saw tears in her eyes, so i patiently carried her and petted her.
A few minutes later when I thought my troubles were over, I saw Chika*'s mom come out of the house to greet the guests. She came towards me and when Chika* tried to make her remember who I was, She said, "OOh! I remember!" Then she looked around as if she was looking for someone and said, "But, where's your husband now?"
My eyes were shooting missiles when I replied "Mummy, Please, I AM NOT MARRIED, I am single and apparently screwed for being around you people!"

SMH

*not the real name

THE MARRIED SIDE OF SEX

2012-02-19T12:31:00.000-08:00

Oh, how I love my married friends.
And in my opinion, married women are the freakiest people i know. On one occasion, i was chatting with a friend who has been married for seven years when she suddenly sent me "You this Chioma, I really wonder what you sound like in bed..."
Yes, I was as shocked as you are right now. First of all because i recall our conversation as being not in the least related to sex and secondly because this my friend is one of the most "church-eous" people i know.
My reply was simply confirmatory, "Madam, please what year did we graduate from school?"
She had sent me an "lol" and yet another shocking message "What? You don't think I know you will like big dicks?"
My dearest, readers, please pardon my language, it is all to drive home a point that I DO NOT feel comfortable with my married girlfriend telling me just outside church today that my arse will definitely look nice when taking it "doggy-style."
It is only my married friends that want to give me a blow by blow account of how sex with their husbands is so great and spontaneous. I have become their sexual sounding board and trust me, that is not fun at all.

Egba mi o!
Chioma

\

DEATH HAS A FACE

2012-02-17T05:13:00.000-08:00

Hello folks,

Let me first of all say a big THANK YOU to all those who participated in the just concluded competition both as writers and voters. The whole cyber-event was a huge success and i have YOU ALL to thank for it. I have been informed that the winner has picked up his prize money and i will be posting the photo pretty soon.

On another note, I was driving to work yesterday morning and I heard on the news that the victims of the January fuel subsidy protest violence in Kano were going to be compensated. At that moment, my heart went out to them and i wrote this poem right there in my car.

So, this is dedicated to all those who lost their lives in the Fuel Subsidy protest violence all over the country. May your labour and death, not be in vain.

They told me it would be peaceful,

Come out, Come out, they said, it’s time to take a stand,

They said we are the future and the nation’s fate was in our hands,

They didn’t say that also in our hands was death and destruction,

I heard the noise and ran to a safe place I had never been before,

Come in, Come in, they said, we are to keep you safe,

I heard the sound as he cocked his rifle,

I saw his eyes as he aimed and pulled the trigger,

I saw his face, it was the face of hope and death.

CONGRATULATIONS MAXWELL!!!

2012-02-16T06:18:00.000-08:00

How una Dey? Thank You All For All Your Entries. Personally, Me i Enjoy am.....But Sorry Na Maxwell Win The $100 , Abeg Come Pick Up Your Money Ooo(B4 I Change My Mind) lool #Bless
Tha Suspect

HOW VALENTINE DEY AFFECT OUR ECONOMY by Emmanuel Dike

2012-02-14T04:14:00.000-08:00

Valentine! Valentine!! Valentine!!! Omo I taya o, even small pikin sabi wetin the word mean sef, if e dan reach times like this, people go begin worry unnecessarily. Haba, e no pure. Me no dey against the Valentine Movement o(afta all I no get chik), but if them say make I tok, e dey affect plenty things, una go hear all, and even as e take affect you join.
For my point number one, e dey cause DIVERSION OF ATTENTION FROM INVESTMENT! You go wan dey reason how, make your blood no rush, I mustu tok am. Adult wey suppose to use I'm money buy house or invest am put for hot shares go use I'm money take buy big gift for gal call am valentine, I'm. Go leave money wey suppose to yield pikin for bizness use buy bb porsche for gal, Ogah, if na Ў☺ΰ be economy, u no. Go vex?
    Number two point, na women dey cause this one, dem dey turn sum men to thief all in the name of ♡̷̴̬̩̃̊ of one day, make I give you instance. When I bin dey SS3, I thief my papa money to use buy gift for gal( ask me where the gal dey today), una dey see? Now, compare me with person wey dey in charge of very big money, wey dey work for places where money no dey wear clothe. After, them go say money dey miss, who cari am, every body turn to deaf and dumb but tomorrow, gal wey never pass jamb go carry 2 BB phones with one I-pad dey waka.
    Una dey see my point shey, oya check now wey gals wey suppose enter skul turn doctor tomorrow or lawyer sef go collect 'something' from her guy, give 'something' back, then after 9months, another 'something'. Go cumot(no ask me from where)that is if them no kumot am sef. Apart from say them dey increase population, them dey jonze their future.

    Finally,we dey tok say subsidy 'do' us na I'm valentine wan cum 'rape' some people finish, e don be 4 them na! How flower( na I'm cheap pass) wey be N150 before subsidy o turn N1000 all because of velentine, e no fair na, aw poor people wan take celebrate? Mr Biggs them. Go wan increase sharwama price, maybe, Mama Sunday.go add money for her food kwa, she gats to meet up na.
Ah. Go end by saying no b everything wey glitter b gold, try. Go church. Go do yhur valentine, e no suppose make economy shake badly, offering suppose increase, afterall na God be ♡̷̴̬̩̃̊,happy valentine people o, spread the ♡̷̴̬̩̃̊ and not the virus, spreadnot the conji and not the legs!!!!

HOW VALENTINE DEY AFFECT OUR ECONOMY by Tobenna Okoye

2012-02-14T04:10:00.000-08:00

Valentine day na flexing day. As we dey talk flex no bi just straf. Bcos dat day na 50/50. The guy chop from d babe body and the babe go chop from the guy pocket. Na d babe aspect we dey talk about bcos na their own dey affect economy wella for that Val's day.

As February dey enter wetin dey people mind(people wey jasi) na how valentine go bi? The date no dey alrite for most people bcos na almost middle of d month wen pepper don almost disappear finish, boys go dey don dey broke. Bcos the people wey dey on salary yapa. The people wey dey make money every week no plenty for naija. So na those ones wey dey on salary dey give economy wahala. Na like this the tin dey happen. After January salary for ur mind u go try save for Feb14 so u and ur chick go flex wella. But before that time, tinz go just dey come wey go dey finish ur money. As we dey enter new month we go dey try plan on how we go spend small small. But the tin bi say e no possible. Money go still dey burn wella. If say u get like 400,000 as January salary, u go don use like 5,500 for credit before Feb14, your youger brother or sister wey u fit dey train for skul go come again collect allowance. U fit release like 10,000. You gats dey chop sef, comot 20,000. Nepa go still dey dull so money for fuel for ur gen go still dey, maybe like 30,000. No forget say all the money wey don burn na before Feb14 o! Your pocket for don leak finish. But at least u still hold small change for val. Wetin remain na how to celebrate val.

The people wey dey do Val tinz sef no dey try for boiz. Na dat time ordinary plate of rice go increase like 200%. If say u dey chop one plate for 1000. The tin go fly go 3500. And u gats buy for two people which mean say u go drop 7tawa! And dat na if your chick sabi wetin u dey earn or two of una don dey understand una self wella. But if na babe u meet for club d previous weekend and u wan straf am dat Valentine night, u fit drop like close to 30bar for Mr. Biggs(because una dey chop wetin una go soon shit comot, mscheeew). Okay una chop finish wetin con remain na gift. Whether two of una understand una sef wella or u wan straf the babe, u go still like show urself, u go like impress the babe. If u fit go pick one of those mumu Valentine gift packs wey dem dey show for TV wey be like 100jeez.

After everytin Feb15 d guy go don broke finish. From that 400k wetin remain fit bi like 20,000. The next tin na to dey borrow money from bank. No forget say na guys all over naija dey suffer this kain tin. So banks go dey borrow boys money the tin go dey wreck our GDP and the GDP na d major part of the economy. Why this tins dey happen like this. Na becos of valentine oooo!!

HOW VALENTINE DEY AFFECT OUR ECONOMY by Jedidiah Ikoba

2012-02-14T04:07:00.000-08:00

Valentine na for lovers. Na for everywhere for d world o but naija we carry valentine 4 head well o.Secondary school students o,even primary school dis days don dey get val.As for university nor go there o. Dem dey finish work for this valentine tory. Na girls dey enjoy dat day pass ni. Na so we guys o, aristos or maga(the bigger d pot belle d more d money) go dey buy fine gifts 4 their girl friends, d kind one wey dem neva buy give their malle or wife once sef. Oyinbo pipo own u fit jus buy one flower or card for your chick but 4 naija,try am first! D babe go tear d card 4 your present or stone u wit your yeye flower. She go ask u if dem dey chop am? So na rule o. U must buy expensive gift for your babe and una must to go out o. So tay sum guys for uni those days wey dey do 0-1-0 eatin formula go buy beta shoe or phone 4 their chikito come carry her go fastfood wen him neva enta at all before. Some go even use their skool fees do am o.
Evn married couples join for the matter o.Afteralls dem be lovers too! Na so expensive gifts go dey flow. But my broda wetin dey pain me be say after guys don buy expensive gifts giv these girls na cheap tins like boxers, singlet,cheap watch naim dem go buy giv d guys. Dat na wayo na, correct akpaco d babes dem be.
Now how dis one take affect our economy sef. My broda me I nor see o. E nor dey affect our economy one kobo! Forget say guys dem dey buy expensive gifts and go outings wit the babes dat day. Instead na oyinbo economy we dey develop. Almost all d gifts wen we dey buy dat day na obodo oyibo dem dey import dem come,even up to card sef becos na only to consume we sabi. So in the end our economy siddon for d same bottom wey e dey. Instead sef we dey lose money & our economy dey die go.
Sum guys dey go thief or do yahoo or thief from gofment(those wey be politicians and workers) so dat dem go fit meet up,so corruption dey increase. Girls sef dey get belle anyhow,HIV dey spread. All dis tins too dey kill our economy bcos the youth na dem be the ogbonge pilotay for d economy steerin and 419 wit him bros corruption dey kpai our economy. Fear nor go let oyinbo come here bcos dem go open oFfice for him head.
Last last,love na evryday tin no be only jus for valentine day. If you love the boo or sisi, dey show the love everyday nor be only for valentine. Shikina!

HOW VALENTINE DEY AFFECT OUR ECONOMY by Maxwell Maiye

2012-02-14T04:04:00.000-08:00

Nigeria na country wey be sey we dey rely so much on things wey we dey import come from obodo oyinbo. So tey even we own oil wey we dey produce naturally we still dey import am come as kerosene, petrol and diesel because sey our refineries to take wash am no dey work.
Meanwhile no be only products we dey import. Wetin oyinbo man call technology sef follow join, plus sub cultures and idealogies too, that one mean sey the kind pattern wey person dey take reason.
Na im be say this Valentine so wey people carry put for head na import we import am oh, because no be we get am, no be we start am, no be we idea.
But you sef go gree say as the world don take be so, everything na everybody own. Wetin oyinbo man call globalization and cultural assimilation don happen wey be sey people they practise things wey no be their own originally. So I no fit beef people wey carry the Valentine for their head. As they like am make dem dey celebrate am dey go. If person buy me gift I go collect but I no dey buy give person oh.
So now, on to the koko of the matter wey be how valentine take dey affect our economy. I don first yarn say na so so import we dey import. If you waka from your hood reach my side, you go see more business wey be sey na to buy come put for shop sell be their own. Industries, both the one wey dem call mega and the one wey dem call cottage industries, scarce for we country die!
As he come be like that, this Valentine period so wey people go dey buy one thing or the other foe their wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, side chick, bed mate, secret admirers, sales of gift items and Valentine related products go dey on the increase. Already, boutiques don dey sample red cloths come outside since the beginning of the month as he be sey na red be the colour of Valentine.
Trips to Dubai and all the places wey people dey buy things come from go increase as well.
For the entertainment industry, Artistes and Comedians as well as people wey dey feed off dem, managers, dancers, back up singers, show promoters, go still see beta change collect take increase their bank account because shows go dey make boys for fit take their babes out on trips.
People wey dey the hospitality business, hotels, eateries, restaurants(no be mama put oh or iya basira), guest houses, go get increased patronage during Valentine.
Sales of condoms too go follow increase.
We dey data shy for we country so statistics no too dey available to take drive home my point say people the spend wella during this period. Valentine just be like christmas for some people oh.
The economy na issue of money. During Valentine, people dey spend wella. The problem be say e no dey bring overall growth or development for the economy, na just say e dey release cash from people pocket into the system. I don talk finish. Gbam

TO BE LOVED AND LOVED IN RETURN

2012-02-14T02:49:00.000-08:00

Happy St. Valentine's Day People!!

I woke up pretty excited today. And I was even more excited when my boss showed up at the office with a huge Valentine cake for the team to share. So the day is looking good...
I recall Valentine's day some years ago when i was in the TV production business. We decided to put together a live show on the TV station hosted by popular celebrities from the then MBGN Munachi Abii to ace actor Zack Orji where viewers could call in and give their shout-outs. The show was a huge success and the following year, viewers were requesting a repeat broadcast.

In preparation for the show that year, we had to do extensive research into the origin of St. Valentine's day celebration. To our surprise the details of the origin of the celebration were a bit hazy. Some stories say St. Valentine was a prisoner who fell in love with a King's daughter while others say he was a Catholic priest who cared for the needy in the society. In a feature story as part of the live show, the script was concluded on the note that whatever the true origin might be, there was one thing they all had in common; Pure, selfless love.

I have always been a believer in the power of love. In my opinion, it can break barriers and mend relationships in a way that can be seen as simply amazing. So, as we go about celebrating St. Valentine's day in the ways we know best, let us remember to show some act of selfess love.

xoxo
Chioma

John Mayer ft. Taylor Swift - Half Of My Heart (Official Video)

2012-02-14T02:18:00.000-08:00

MY PERFECT LITTLE IMPERFECTIONS

2012-02-11T04:43:00.000-08:00

Hey folks,

I hope you all had a good week. I also had to deal with some drama at home, but you know how these things are…

Anyway, a wise man once told me that when you think you are ready to settle down and get married, you should first of all ask yourself if indeed you can marry yourself. Well, last weekend, I got to asking myself that same question. If I proposed to me, and I accepted, would I like what I encounter with me? You see, I may seem pleasant on the outside, but getting to know the real me may be a daunting task.

First of all, I am not your typical morning person. Apart from the early morning crankiness before my morning exercise, I would have the sinuses to deal with. The thing is, my nose seems to wake up about two hours after I actually get up and so the noises I would hear are those of me trying to breathe without my nose…technically. One time, my mom said I sound like an old locomotive engine starting up after been out of use for several years. After my morning exercise and coffee, I like to delve straight into work. I don’t have time for morning chit chat and if I tried to start a conversation with me, I would probably receive a very stern verbal warning.

I get into a better mood by noon. I can be available for lunch and some good ol’ conversation. I like to surprise by showing up to sweep me away for a brief lunch date if I have the time. But if you don’t have the time, it will be taken as irresponsible and unacceptable. I am your average evening person and that’s because I am less cranky at that time and the chances of me upsetting myself by opening my mouth are greatly reduced. I like to hang out and have a good laugh after work. But that should be in a place and at a time picked by me, if not…let’s just say it wouldn’t be worth my while.

I always like to win an argument and one I cannot win with words, I have a signature look that would says in any language “You poor ignorant fool”. I am often very suspicious and like to take everything with a proverbial pinch of salt. If I suspect that I have been told a lie, I wouldn’t stop until I uncover the truth. I see it so clearly because I happen to have undergone intensive FBI training in my previous life.

Did I also mention that I was selfish? I also like to think the world revolves around me. Well, quite frankly, it does. If not, why would I being considering getting married to me?

"HOW VALENTINE DEY AFFECT OUR ECONOMY?"

2012-02-09T09:41:00.000-08:00

Ok, get this.
This morning, i got a call from my friend/secret admirer/boyfriend/secret husband etc, etc...David Peter aka 'Tha Suspect'. Now for those of you who are reading my blog from your home under a rock in a cave somewhere, (lol) Tha Suspect is one of the most sought after producers in the country. He has worked with several big names in the industry and is quite an established artiste on his own.
Anyway, he called me today with a proposal about a mock essay competition he is running for Valentine's Day. "You see, umm, we want the top four essays to be posted on your blog and an opportunity for people to vote the best one", he had asked politely. I am all about creativity and writing and i thought was a brilliant idea, so i said yes!
So people, it's really very simple to win $100. All you have to do is write a 500 word essay in pidgin English on the topic; HOW VALENTINE DEY AFFECT OUR ECONOMY? and send to iamsuspect001@gmail.com before the 13th of February, 2012.
The top four essays will be posted right here for you all to vote.
What else can i say? May the best writer win!

Ciao!
Chioma

RELATIONSHIP 101: EMOTIONS VS TOLERANCE

2012-02-06T03:23:00.000-08:00

Relationships are usually about two people putting in 50/50% effort to make it work...once there is a tip in the scale, the real problem starts. It is then up to both parties to identify the problem and nip it in the bud before it grows into something bigger than what initially started it. Voicing out grievances is key in problem resolution in any relationship, added with the passion to make the relationship itself work. It is also important to note that falling in and out of love is inevitable but it is the commitment and tolerance held by both parties that can make that relationship survive. That is to say that relying on your emotions in a relationship is a sure way to sink the ship because emotions, like the tides of the sea rise up and fall down. Any relationship built on emotions or feelings has a 20% chance of survival especially after a disagreement. But when key values such as patience, tolerance and commitment are thrown in, the survival chance goes up to about 80%. it may also be interesting to know that most people who base their relationships on emotions often expect the other party to be "perfect". It may sound strange but sadly true since we all know that perfection, in the real sense of the word, does not exist. An emotion-based relationship often expects no wrong, no flaws and no shortcomings. So when these mannerisms show up, it shakes the relationship to its foundation. At that point, it becomes, "I can't believe you did that" or "I don't know why you said that". A relationship not based on emotions would rather say "I do not appreciate what you just said/did but i bet you had good reason to..." Another interesting fact is that people who base their relationship on emotions, who in turn expect perfection, know that they are far from perfect and expect the other party to make up for their imperfections. This would obviously cause a tip in the scale as the relationship would be about one person and not the couple. If you have gone through this and realize that your relationship is based on emotions rather than tolerance and commitment, its not too late to start afresh. Every relationship is like writings on a slate that can be wiped clean...no matter how far you have gone.

BUN IN THE OVEN

2012-02-02T07:27:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year folks!

So sorry this is late but you know what they say, better late than never eh?

Here’s a piece that is closer to fact than any of my previous works on this blog. In fact, I had to wait several months to get permission to publish this. It’s a fascinating tale and I know it’ll be worth the wait.

Enjoy!

Chioma

I ran into Dipo at a function after several years of not being in touch. I had seen him mount the podium to receive an award and met with him after the event. “Chioma!!!” he had screamed my name with so much excitement and given me a big bear hug. “It’s been like what? Seven years?” he asked and I nodded with a reminiscent smile.

Dipo and I attended to same university in the northern part of Nigeria. In our first year, we had taken a Drama course together where we both played the role of a married couple in a local theatre production. Dipo was a charming fellow and the bond we formed during the production stayed with us throughout our time in school. While in school, Dipo took up music production and before he graduated, became the most sought after producer in the state. Although, we were in different departments, we always found time once a week to play catch up at the cafeteria. Well, that was until he started dating Inyang in his final year.

“So… I can see the music business is doing great” I said pointing at his award as he walked me to his car. “Well, we can’t complain,” he said modestly. “And, Oh my! Is that a wedding band?” I asked reaching for his left had to reveal the shiny gold ring. “You didn’t even tell me!” I continued playfully hitting him in the shoulder. He seemed to blush as he said “No, babes, it’s no biggie”. I refused to accept that “No biggie? Who calls saying ‘I do’ to life imprisonment ‘No biggie’enh?” He laughed and put my head in a head lock “You never change sha,” he said. “But seriously, Sweetie,” I continued when I could release myself from his grip, “It was Inyang right?” “No…!” he replied sharply as if it was strange for me to have asked in the first place, “I married my queen; Bella and we have a baby girl together”. “Wow!”I exclaimed excitedly, “I’m so happy for you! But, wait, what happened between you and Inyang? I thought…?” I cut my statement short when I noticed him shaking his head sadly. “Babes…Inyang’s story is a very long story”

Dipo had met Inyang during his third year in school. I recalled the first time he talked about her at one of our lunch dates. “Babes! If you see this girl! Omo yen dun gan!” he said excitedly. He went on to vividly describe Inyang in such detail, it felt as if I had known her all my life. “Come on, let’s meet her! She seems like a wonderful person” I had said, trying to share in his excitement. “Just chill, Babes, ti eye ba ti ko si panpe, ma je k’omo!”

The next time I saw Dipo was two months later. After all efforts to reach him on the phone had been met with a dismissive “Babes, I’m in the studio. I will call you back.”He was driving his old Cherokee jeep through the school’s main gate when I cited him and flagged him down. When he pulled up close to me I saw there was a pretty girl sitting in the passenger seat. I had no doubt that it was Inyang. “My love, you have abandoned me!” I said when he wound down the glass. He laughed and started explaining how hectic work had been for him over the last few months. “And that’s why you can’t manage a simple Hello every now and then, come on now…” I had been saying when suddenly Inyang looked sternly at him and said “Baby, we’re late!” It felt as if someone had slapped me across the face as I couldn’t imagine the call for such attitude. “Well, a good morning to you, madam” I said to her, trying hard to cover the sarcastic undertone in my voice. To my surprise, Inyang looked me straight in the eyes and blurted “Good Morning to you too!” “Haba, Inyang, be nice to Chioma now,” Dipo had interjected almost sounding like he was pleading with her royal rudeness. She had turned sharply to him and retorted “Dipo! I said we are late! Can we go now?” I was too mad to speak but that quickly from anger to disbelief as I watched Dipo put the car in drive and slowly move away from me.

I smiled as I recalled several similar incidents that followed that one. Dipo slowly became I ghost of himself as he ignored all his friends on Inyang’s account. He ate, drank and breathed Inyang so much that if she sneezed, he would catch a cold. By the time we were in our final year, my friends and I had concluded that it was either he had a few lose screws in his head or Inyang was truly a super lover. I was not surprised when I heard that he had proposed to her on the Valentine’s Day of our final year during an award ceremony. “So what happened to you guys? I mean, it was quite obvious you two were going to settle down together,” I asked, genuinely interested. Dipo shook his head sadly and said in a voice that almost didn’t sound like his, “Chioma, dat one na very long tori.”

A few days after our chanced meeting at the event, I managed to track Dipo down to his new studio on the Island. The thing was, ever since he mentioned Inyang, my journalistic persona took over and I knew I wasn’t going to stop until I got the whole tale out of him. When we had gotten the pleasantries out of the way, I went on to ask him about what really happened to his relationship with Inyang and this was the story I got.

After we graduated from school, he moved back to Lagos and rented an apartment with Inyang. He went into the music business full-time while Inyang took up fashion designing classes. It was pretty rough for them the first few months as breaking into the Lagos music scene proved to be more difficult than he imagined. But with perseverance and hardwork, the money started coming in. The real trouble started when he bought a new car and surprised Inyang, expecting her to be happy for him. Instead she was angry that he hadn’t used the money to fulfill his promise of marrying her. It took a few days of pleading to get her to ride in the new car. But the fights didn’t stop there; in fact, they now took a whole new dimension. She made it a duty to pick fights with everyone from his studio employees to his mother. And the proverbial stroke that broke the camel’s back was the one he learned that she had physically assaulted his mother. He had come one to find his mother sitting at the door entrance and lamenting about her ordeal in the hands of his “wife”. He did everything in his power to get this mother to go back into the house and that included promising her that Inyang would leave his house the very next day. Eventually, Inyang had apologized that night and promised she would never do such a thing again.

The next day, he got a call from Inyang saying she wasn’t feeling very well and thus was going to the hospital. In the evening of that day, he got the biggest news of his life when she announced that she was three weeks with his child. At first, he had mixed feelings about it since he had been contemplating ending the relationship but the thought of having his very own child seemed good enough. He decided to accept Inyang and his unborn child and took his mother to see her parents in Akwa Ibom state for a proper introduction.

But the situation with Inyang did not change. It seemed as though as her pregnancy grew and became more obvious, her attitude towards everyone got worse. His mother eventually moved out of his house and swore not to come back until the child was born. All his friends and partners avoided his residence like a plague for fear of getting into a fight with Inyang. He too became fed up of the relationship and threatened that he would accept the baby but could no longer get married to her.

Tragedy struck when she was about seven months pregnant. He was working in the studio when she called him screaming that she was having pains in her abdomen. He had asked her if she could wait for him to hurry home and take her to the hospital but she declined saying that she had already called a nurse who worked that the hospital she was registered to come and take her. He became so worried after the phone call that he could no longer work. He left the studio a half hour later and drove home as fast as he could. When he arrived about an hour after the phone call, he knocked on the front door and Inyang came down the stairs to answer the door. When she opened the door, he saw that she had been crying and when he asked what was wrong, she raised up her gown to reveal that she was wearing blood stained panties with a sanitary pad. She started crying again saying “We lost the baby, Dipo, we lost the baby.” He was angry, sad, upset and frustrated all at the same time. But he knew that the first thing was to calm her and that was exactly what he did.

A few hours later when he was able to get her to sleep, he went into the bathroom to tend to his own broken heart. He had been crying silently for a few minutes when he decided to call his mother with the news. To his surprise, his usually over-emotional mother listened patiently as he related his experience that sad day. When he was done, she asked him, “So she went to the hospital this morning and when you came back, she came down the stairs to answer the door for you?” “Yes?” he had replied almost upset that his mother was dwelling on the flimsy details instead of the fact that he just lost his baby. Her next question had come as a complete shock to him, “She ori e pe sha?” He was so mad that he started yelling on the phone about how his mother doesn’t wasn’t his to be happy. But to all that she had simply replied, “Go and ask your wife what really happened to your baby.”

A few days after that unfortunate incident, he had come down with a cold, and unlike him, he felt the need to visit the hospital for treatment. When he got there, he became curious since that was the same hospital where Inyang had been attending her ante natal appointments. Since the miscarriage, he had had a lot of questions but he didn’t want to burden the grief-stricken Inyang with details of her ordeal. He had requested for her file when the nurse who had taken Inyang to the hospital that day appeared and began counseling him on getting through his current situation. He patiently listened to her as she preached on about how God was going to bless him with another child. He then assured her that he was fine but he only wanted to see Inyang’s file. She suddenly became hostile saying that it was against company policy for patients to see their files. He immediately knew something was fishy so he raised an alarm and threatened fire and brimstone if he wasn’t allowed to see the file. In the commotion, the hospital MD came out to calm the situation and personally handed him Inyang’s file saying that there was nothing wrong with him requesting for his wife’s medical information. To his surprise, the only information that the file contained was the first time he brought Inyang to the hospital to be treated for malaria fever over a year ago. He was still in shock when his phone ran with a call from Inyang demanding to know what he was doing at the hospital at that time. He had simply told her that if she wanted to stay alive, she should pack her things and leave his house before he got back.

When he returned home that evening, Inyang was packed and gone but she left a note begging for his forgiveness as she had only done what she did because she loved him. The next day, her mother had called him pleading with him to take his wife back. He had calmly listened to her before he threw her a few questions of his own;

“Was she ever pregnant?”

“If she wasn’t, how does one explain the morning sickness, weight gain and of course her swollen belly?”

“If she was, how did the pregnancy magically disappear without his knowledge since they both lived in the same house the whole time?”

He said that her mother became silent. As silent as I was when he finished this shocking tale.

TRICK OR TREAT?

2011-12-04T09:01:00.000-08:00

Hey Peeps,
I decided to try my hand on a narrative this time. It was the way i started as a teenager and after a few days of "uneventfulness" in my life, my creative juices started working like they used to...

Best compliments of the season!
Chioma

Tunde loved his wife very much.

He pushed the car gear into park and let the engine run. The address wasn’t very hard to find and this was also the area in which he grew up. He exhaled deeply as he thought of his wife; Ann. She was so beautiful and so smart. So what on earth was he doing here?

He remembered when they met ten years ago. She was working as a teller in one of the popular banks where he had an account. She had greeted him politely and smiled a smile that he would never forget for the rest of his life. He knew at that moment that she was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Six months after their meeting, he had asked her to marry him and she had screamed “Yes!” at the top of her voice. On their wedding day, all he could think about was how beautiful she was. He had stared into her big brown eyes and known that she was the only woman right for him.

As he sat down in his car and looked into the darkness of this cool November night, he wondered how it was possible for someone so right to become so wrong.

It wasn’t that things were so bad between them, it was just that Ann was so angry all the time. The first two years had started off fine. They both had their relatively good jobs, then the twins were born and they were all happy. But then it became increasingly hard for Ann to cater to two little children and manage a ten- hour job. When the twins were eight months old, Ann found out she was pregnant again and said it was his fault. He recalled coming home late that night after a stressful day spent in long meetings to find Ann sitting in the kitchen fuming. She had called him all the names from Bastard to Retard before he even got to know what the problem was. She blamed his incessant whining for sex especially when she claimed she was not safe. She swore on her father’s grave that she wouldn’t let him touch her in another one year and threatened she was going to see the doctor to have it removed. He had mustered all the strength he had left to calm her and make her see some sense in children being a gift from God. Shortly after the baby was born, he got a promotion at work and they didn’t have enough time to celebrate when Ann had gotten a letter from her office terminating her appointment.

That was when the real trouble started.

The fights became more and every time there was one, she used it as an opportunity to blame him for the loss of her career and too many babies to take care of. One time, she called him a fool whose master plan was to turn her into a housewife. Tunde tried not to get mad at all her spiteful comments. He had always known she had a bad temper and could say the worst things in rage. But he also knew that her anger was fleeting. She would apologize after a few hours and make up for it with a lovely meal or some good love-making. But over the years, the fits got more, the apologies got less and the sex went to zero.

He smirked sarcastically in the car as he thought of the sex.

He recalled their honeymoon which they spent on the beautiful island of Crete. He knew the things that Ann could do with her body and just how far she was willing to go to please her man. Unfortunately, with each year spent together, that willingness seemed to disappear. After the twins were born, he had noticed she became uncomfortable with her body. She had an episiotomy and she was afraid she was not as tight as she was before. It had taken weeks of convincing for her to make love to him after which he assured her that there wasn’t any difference. After that hurdle came the baby excuses. There was always one or two babies with them who always managed to wake up whenever he made a move. And when they weren’t there in person, Ann had a notion that they were not asleep yet and thus could wake up and walk in on them.

Tunde was never comfortable talking about their sex life but when he realized that they hadn’t done it in almost a month, he had to speak to a psychologist friend. Dr. Tony had helpfully suggested romance, date nights and role playing to him. In his opinion, Ann was made up of two personalities now; the wife and the mother and spending too much time wearing her “mother” hat was adversely affecting her “wife” hat. According to him, making gestures that would awaken her mind towards her “wife” nature would help their sexual life.

It worked for only a few months.

Even now, sitting outside an unfamiliar house, he tried hard to remember when last he had made love to his wife. It was about a month ago, when he came back from a friend’s bachelor’s eve party. After a few glasses of champagne he had come home almost begging her to do it with him. She had considered he hadn’t been in any fights with him for the past few weeks and he had bought her a pair of gold-plated earrings recently, so she agreed. Halfway through, she heard one of the twins screaming “mommy” and urged him to ejaculate quickly so she could go see. He had told her that the live-in nanny would get her but then the girl started crying so Ann hissed and pushed him off her, mumbling something about how she had already told him to “cum” and he was wasting time. He could have angrily gone to bed that night but the alcohol in his system wasn’t helping so he had to help himself in the shower.

He turned off the ignition and got out of the car. The gate of the house was open so he walked right in. The house was recently painted in pale yellow and had a red roof with deep red mahogany doors. He walked up to one of the doors and knocked gently. He could hear SADE’s ‘Your love is King’ playing from inside. He smiled to himself as the door opened and an attractive young lady popped her head out. “Good evening, please I’m looking for Ada, is she in?” he asked politely and somewhat shyly.

“She’s inside, come in, I’ll take you to her apartment” the lady said almost sounding like a robot.

Two months ago, he had met Ada at the nearby gym.

The first time he saw her, she was working out on the treadmill one hot Saturday morning. She was very beautiful and had a body that Beyonce would die for. He was never attracted to full bodied women but Ada was exceptional. Unfortunately, he wasn’t the only one attracted to her. A few single guys who had been pretending to be lifting weights were the ones who made him notice her when she walked in. They had been talking about the new James Bond movie when one had stopped the conversation with a hushed “See her! See her!” He had involuntarily turned to ‘see her’ as well and was completely enchanted by her beauty. For two weeks, he kept coming to the gym at the same time to see if he would run into her again but she didn’t show up.

However, luck was on his side on lazy Saturday afternoon when he had agreed to bring his family to the club. The kids were off playing soccer with Ann when he decided to do a few laps in the pool. He had gotten through one lap when he noticed her beautiful bikini-clad body get out of the pool. He immediately felt the beginning of an erection and was so glad he was far away in the deep end. She suddenly turned around and locked eyes with him, then smiled. He felt like an awkward teenager as he tried to smile, wave and control the growing bulge in his Speedos. He became distracted when his last child had surprisingly freed himself from his mother and was running towards the pool area screaming “Daddy!” He had to get out of the pool and attend to his family as Ann and the other two came up right behind him. But from the corner of his eye, he saw Ada get into the changing room, dress up and leave.

The next weekend, he showed at the gym with the hopes of running into her. He had been there for about an hour when she walked up to him on the treadmill.

“Now what sort of gym plays SADE as work-out music?” she said to him with a laugh. He was supposed to say something, but he opened his mouth and nothing came out. He was stunned by how beautiful she was up close even with a sweaty brow and no makeup on.

“Oh! I’m sorry, I’m Ada,” she said with a smile and stretched out her hand for a shake. He took it and politely introduced himself. She looked around suddenly and said “I don’t see your family around, is today Let Daddy Off day?” He laughed at her sense of humor and replied “Oh! Haven’t you heard about it?” They had exchanged numbers that day and started chatting every day from then on.

He later found out that Ada was a Marketing Executive with a renowned insurance company. She lived with her sister her in Lagos since her parents were settled in the east. One evening, he had taken her out to dinner after which he dropped her off where she could take a cab home. He thanked her for coming out and she surprised him by leaning over to kiss him very deeply. He had just sat there, shocked and unresponsive. She made a little laugh and looked him seductively in the eye “Tunde…you know you deserve a treat… why don’t you come over to my place tomorrow evening and we’ll see about that”. She immediately got out of the car and walked away so conscious of the fact that his eyes were glued to her voluptuous backside.

Indeed, he deserved a treat, he thought to himself as he knocked on the door the lady had directed him to. It was a gift, a kind gesture to a man in need. If Ann didn’t have time or the thought to give this gift, why should he decline it from someone else? It wasn’t that he loved his wife any less, he was just thinking about himself; for once in ten years.

Ada opened the door and greeted him with a beautiful smile. She was wearing a purple negligee that left little to the imagination. As he entered her apartment, he pushed all his thoughts out and listened to the soothing sound of Sade Adu’s voice coming from the stereo “…your kisses ring…round and round and round my head, touching the very part of me…”

THE OLDER THE WINE…(2)

2011-11-20T05:42:00.000-08:00

A few weeks later, after my boss had congratulated me for winning the account, I decided to pay the client a courtesy visit to see how things were going. I was walking through the front door when I bumped into Sydney*. We exchanged pleasantries and he excused himself. He had taken a few steps towards the parking lot when he spun around suddenly as if he recalled something. “Ummm…hey…I was actually on my way to have lunch with an old friend” he said smiling “if you are not too busy, would you accompany me?” I smiled to myself as I wondered how busy I could possibly be to turn down such an important invitation. “Actually, I was to have a meeting with Sam* (the account manager) but he just texted me that he is out of the office”, I lied “So, lunch wouldn't be such a bad idea”. “It won’t” he concurred with a flirtatious wink.

Lunch for me is usually a trip to the nearest confectionary for chicken and chips on a very good day but lunch in Sydney’s world was a totally different ball game. So when his SUV we drove in pulled up at the Hilton, I knew I had stepped into a world that I wouldn’t forget in a hurry. When we walked into the restaurant, it was a smiling Caucasian man that stood up to greet us. “This is my close friend and business partner; Mark*. Mark*, this is my new friend and business partner; Chioma”, Sydney went through the introductions. I was laughing at the “business partner” title when Mark* took my hand tenderly to his lips “I’m pleased to meet you, vous avez une beauté si enchanteresse.” I was completely smitten even though I had no idea what in God’s name he just said to me in French. “Si vous continuez à essayer de la duper avec votre accent et je lui dirai ce que sont un joueur vous!” Sydney seemed to playfully retort him and they both laughed. “Hey, hey, what is going on here?” I asked totally lost in the sudden language change. Mark pulled out my sit as he explained “Pardon me, mademoiselle but your friend here was reprimanding me for complimenting you” he smiled revealing his tobacco-stained teeth. “Well, with four ex-wives and a chain of broken hearts under his belt, who knows what other strategies he’s deploying?” Sydney explained while we both laughed.

During the three-course lunch, the two old friends played catch up while i learnt a little this and that about Sydney. Like Mark, he too was a divorcee and he had a 20 year old daughter who lived in Australia with her mother. While we were having desert which comprised of delightful waffles laced with whipped cream and strawberries, Mark excused himself to go tend to his addiction, giving Sydney and I some alone time. He looked into my eyes with a teasing smile for a few seconds then asked if I had a husband or boyfriend. “None of the above” I responded matching his gaze. He seemed genuinely concerned “Why not? You haven’t found your type?” I laughed as I replied, “Quite frankly, I don’t know my type…I just fall in love… I guess.” He sipped his wine slowly then nodded his head in agreement still looking into my eyes, he said, “After all, the heart wants what the heart wants.”

That weekend Sydney took me out dancing. And it wasn’t one of those new clubs that play hip hop music. He took me to a Salsa dancing bar where we drank Mojitos and danced the night away. By the end of the night, I was sure where all that was heading and even though I wanted to kick myself for giving in so quickly to his advances, I was too buzzed to care. We drove to the Hilton where the Floor Manager led us to his reserved penthouse suite. It was an exquisite room and I must say worth the hundreds of thousands of naira it cost. He went into the bathroom and I got comfortable on the bed. When he came out, he stopped and smiled at me, “Do you know how beautiful you are?” he asked as he approached me. He climbed onto the bed and cupped my face in his hands and slowly kissed….my forehead. I raised one eyebrow and opened my eyes to look at him as confused as I could possibly be. He immediately got off the bed and headed to the door, “There’s something I need to sort out in town…I’ll be back soon”. I heard the door shut before I could even speak the words brewing in my mouth.

“Just like that?” Kate* asked me the next morning as she munched the pancakes on our breakfast tray. “Hmmph! My sister… Na so I see am o” I replied almost sounding sorry for myself. I had invited Kate* to the suite last night when all efforts to reach Sydney* had proved abortive. I was even more upset when the Floor Manager had showed up in the morning with a lush breakfast that Sydney had instructed him to serve me. “Anyway, weren’t you the one going after an old man?” Kate asked me mischievously, “And how is that helping??” I retorted angrily. “Ehn…maybe he can’t…you know…perform!”

The next time I saw Sydney was a few days later at a Shopping Mall across town. After several attempts to see him at his office without success, I had concluded that he didn’t want to be reached. I was about to walk into the cafeteria where he was having coffee when another lady beat me to it. She was a tall, slim and very beautiful blonde. He stood up as she approached his table, hugged her lovingly and kissed her…on the lips. I stood there in utter shock not knowing whether to continue towards him or just walk away. Then I noticed Mark* join the two lovebirds with his own cup of coffee. The three smiled pleasantly as Sydney introduced the lady to him. He said something I couldn’t make out and took her hand tenderly to his lips…

THE OLDER THE WINE…

2011-11-14T09:07:00.000-08:00

Hello People,

Firstly, let me apologise for the long silence. In the last few months, my job description changed and i was saddled with more responsibility. It's been hectic, but God has indeed been my strength. So! Here's something... let me know if you like it ok?

With love from Chioma.

They say that there are only a few guys that every girl must date before eventually getting married; the good guy, the bad guy and the older guy. In my case, after my own fair share of the good, the bad and the ugly I knew that it was only a matter of time before the laws of the universe sent an older guy my way.

It all happened one Thursday afternoon when I went for a presentation to a prospective client. I woke up that morning feeling really good and I tried to put that feeling into my look that day. So when I arrived at the client’s office, I was beaming with a smile and dressed to kill. A few minutes later, I was ushered into the board room where a met with five executives one of which was a handsome middle aged gentle man with a distinctive grey moustache. As I started my presentation, I tried to maintain eye contact as I was trained to but I couldn’t help but notice the Mr. Grey moustache was busy on his blackberry phone throughout. At first, I found it quite peculiar but as we progressed, I found the attitude quite rude. At the end of the session, while we concluded negotiations, he was the first to bolt out of the boardroom without managing a “goodbye”

“Who does he even think he is?!”I was fuming on the phone to my friend Kate* an hour after the awkward meeting, “If he wasn’t interested in the product, he could have just stayed away! No one had a gun to his head!!!” Kate did her best to calm me and advised me to hope for the best from the other four interested executives. A week later, I got a call from the client’s secretary inviting me for a meeting with the Chairman as he needed to clarify before signing the deal. I was so excited about the upcoming meeting with the Chairman because I knew that meeting him would boost my chances at getting that account. The only curious thing was that the meeting was on a Saturday afternoon and when I asked the reason for such an unusual time, the secretary informed me that the Chairman was least occupied at that time.

I showed up at the office early and when I knocked, I was quite shocked when Mr. Grey moustache opened the door. “Hi!” he said and smiled as if he was genuinely excited to see me at the door. I managed a forced smile and informed him of the purpose of my visit. “Yeah, I know, Come on in”, he answered and ushered me into the office. I noticed the office was less crowded and the staff was casually dressed as it was a weekend. As I followed Mr. Grey moustache in, I had ample time to look at him from behind. He could have been between 50 and 60 but he walked with the gait of a 20 year old. He was wearing a tee shirt and blue jeans and I must say, smelt like a million bucks. “If only he didn’t have such a bad attitude”, I mumbled under my breath.

He led me into a large office and asked me to please shut the door and have a seat. Then he walked behind huge table and sat into the large arm chair. “YOU are the CHAIRMAN?” I blurted. “You sound disappointed” he laughed as he reached for his phone and started punching the keys. I apologized for my reaction and we went right into the business of the day. I started to look at him differently when I realized that he had all the information from my presentation that I had assumed he was not interested. At the end of the meeting, I got to know a few things about Mr. Grey moustache, like his name, which was Sydney* and yes, he was indeed born in Sydney, Australia. He founded the company a few years ago in the US and started running the Lagos office when he relocated last year.

As he escorted me outside the office premises, I found myself drawn to him in a very curious manner. I wasn’t sure whether it was the grey moustache or the obvious power he wielded. He could have been at least three times my age and though he was good-looking, he didn’t quite fit my “type”. As I drove away, I couldn’t help thinking of what it would be like to date someone his age. He belonged to the generation that still opened doors for ladies and stood up for the lady to sit at the table. My curiosity got the better part of me; this was one dish I was willing to try.

He smiled at me as he waved when I drove out of the parking lot. I knew that smile; that definitely would not be our last meeting…

THE STUPID THINGS WE DO WHEN WE'RE IN LOVE

2011-05-21T02:40:00.000-07:00

...Riding with my boyfriend in his mother's beatdown Volkswagen beetle and loving it.Gosh!I would die if anyone had taken a photo and showed it to me now!