Shrinking Violet

Secret Love

noreply@blogger.com (Anice) — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 05:06:00 +0000

Oh...this is so hard to admit...

I've been keeping a secret.

I am having a love affair.

No one really knows about it...well, AngelAmy does because she has observed me and my beloved more than a few times.

I know she doesn't really approve but she doesn't judge.

No, it is not with Hot Guy at Gym (although I am open to the possibility of spending time with his very hot and sweet and funny self).

No...my love affair is with...

chips

and

dip

Yes, I have been cheating...on my diet...

And I have become an addict...I'm addicted to my lover...

"Hello, my name is Anice and I am a chipndipaholic"

(This is where everyone in the room says "Hi Anice"...so if you are a chipndipaholic please say "Hi Anice" now...and I will do the same when it is your turn to get up and share).

It is a sneaky little love affair...and sometimes I cheat on my lovers.

I have a few lovers of the "chip" persuasion...
Baked Ruffles
Baked Pita Chips
corn chips
popchips
Special K chips

sometimes when I am desperate and really need a fix I will grab the carrots out of the fridge...but they are merely a vehicle for the dip...

As for the dip end of things...sour cream based dips are my drug of choice but almost any will do. HEB is my drug dealer/pusher.

My dip boyfriends are:
jalapeno dip
HEB "Love" dip
french onion dip
buffalo wings dip
cheddar jalapeno dip
hummus (ok that one is when I am really feeling guilty)
queso (when available...and I "speedball" it with a margarita)

Oh, I have sunk to a new low...except that my weight is not what has sunk...it's up...

Like anyone trying to recover from an addiction I do my best to try and avoid the temptation.

But for some reason as I troll the aisles of HEB without any premeditation (chips and dip are never on my grocery list) they end up in my basket.

It's like someone else's hand reaches into the fridge case and grabs the dip and puts it into my basket...and if you have dip, you need something to use to get it to your mouth.

I've been carrying on this little affair for the last few weeks.

My brain KNOWS it is wrong. I have a teeny tiny little dress to wear on Sunday and it won't look good with back fat and a poochy belly.

But sure enough today that jalapeno dip did her siren call and soon I was grabbing the baked Ruffles and off to the couch I went to plop them into my mouth.

Like any secret affair, I know I am doing wrong...but I'm loving my lovers.

But I have to stop...so I will.

I'm gonna break up with my lover...so I can have a real one and not look and feel bad.

So hot guy who drives a big ass truck, I've broken up with my boyfriend and I'm available...

Just please don't make me fat like this little affair I have been having has...

I'm pretty sure hot guy at the gym is sweet but calorie free...and since he works out maybe he won't order queso if he ever takes me out for ritas (the "skinny girl" kind with agave or zero calorie sweetener thankyouverymuch)...but he better order fries and let me steal them if we ever go to Houston's...

Inspiration Song: "Secret Love" by the one, the only, the amazing Stevie Nicks...yeah, I'm a fan...a big one...

Bye Darlings...the first step to fixing something when you are doing wrong is admitting you are doing wrong...

If I Could Fall In Love

noreply@blogger.com (Anice) — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 04:23:00 +0000

Today I went to a new church.

And it was...

Awesome
Amazing
Incredible

and LIFE CHANGING...

but before I tell you all about church, I have to backtrack because I have to tell you all the obstacles that got in my way that almost kept me from this awesome, amazing, incredible and life changing experience.

JayVee invited me to come to church with her last week. She said "you should come...the pastor is talking about sex, love and dating".

Hmmmmm....

That really does fit my life right now and I love JayVee for thinking of me!

So what were my stumbling blocks?

Let's start with Ke$ha Barbie and my needing to be available to help her (yes, she is no longer Satan).

But she told me I could go because she was going to go and work at school on her art project. (and yes, I have to LOVE LOVE LOVE her teacher for meeting her at school on a SUNDAY to help her get her project ready to submit to the fancy schmancy NYC art school).

OK, stumbling block #1 gone...

Stumbling block #2...I usually do spin on Sunday at noon and JayVee was not teaching so she wanted to go to the 11:00 service. A teacher I"m not crazy about was teaching so I didn't mind...later I found out that she was unable to teach and Je T'aime Jamie took over for her. Lucky for me that stumbling block was not an issue because I didn't find out about Je T'aime Jamie subbing until AFTER church...

Stumbling block #3 was all me...because last night I went to dinner with KuteKaren, D-nice, and LovelyLauri. We had a blast. We ate at Ousie's and laughed ourselves silly.

I had some excellent martinis and a fabulous wine ("Dueling Pistols" by The Federalist...order it...buy it...drink it...yummy petite syrah/zinfandel blend). So between the wine and staying up late because I balanced the wine/martinis with Diet Coke I didn't get to sleep until almost 2 am so when the alarm went off this morning I ALMOST did not get out of bed.

But I did...I dragged my butt out of bed and was grateful I was going to church and not spin class.

Stumbling block #4...my sister wife called (that would be GOTTESS) and we HAD to plan our upcoming trip to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. So I was a bit distracted with excitement about going and was slow to get myself ready....but I got out the door only a teensy bit late (8 minutes).

Stumbling Block #5...I went to McDonalds to get a Diet Dr. Pepper. Should not have been a problem except that it took almost 6 minutes for them to get me change...and I thought I was saving time by NOT going through the drive thru....who knew...

Stumbling Block #6...my usual route to JayVee's house had some major construction issues so I decided to roll the dice and take 610...lucky for me the Loop was clear and I made record time.

So despite all the obstacles thrown my way, I still managed to get to JayVee's house in good time and we got to church right on time. JayVee's handsome hubby who I call "The Hunk" drove us and dropped us at the front door while he parked the car and then joined us. I love a gentleman...and yes, The Hunk drives a big ass truck...just part of his charm...I keep telling him to clone himself for me since he already belongs to JayVee.

I loved it that JayVee told me I could wear jeans. As we walked up EVERYONE was casually dressed. I liked that...

As someone who was raised in the most formal of churches---the Episcopal Church---it was refreshing to not have to put on a dress and heels. I am aware that many churches, even Episcopalian ones, are "casual" these days but for me this was a first.

We walked in and I saw...

A ROCK BAND!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh yeah...this was my kind of church!

A drummer, electric guitars, a keyboardist and several singers...the church had me at "blue jeans" but sealed the deal with the praise and worship band...

The music was fantastic...I stood right on up and sang my heart out and clapped along and enjoy every song.

Then the pastor came out.

He was young and handsome. Dressed in jeans and a sweater.

My kind of guy.

He told us that he was going to discuss "LSD"...and that he liked saying LSD at church.

"LSD" stands for Love, Sex, and Dating...

And the church is doing a 4 part series on it.

So Pastor Kenny starts the talk off by saying...and wow this is TRUE wisdom...

"Are you the person that the person you are looking for is looking for?"

Wow....that is so very true.

Now even if you are married, are you the person that the person you are with should/will want to be with?

I want to be the person who a handsome guy who drives a big ass truck and brings me lilies and has a good job and will watch Modern Family is looking for!

I think I am...I mean, I'm not being conceited here but I think I am a damn good cook, a not-bad looking woman, I can entertain, I can be funny, and I can drive a big ass truck if a man needs me to.

So yeah, I think I AM the person that the person I am looking for is looking for.

As an example he used Tim Tebow and Katy Perry.

It seems Katy Perry's mother feels that her daughter and Tebow should meet and date.

Ummmmm.....wow....

No, Tim Tebow IS NOT LOOKING KATY PERRY OR ANYONE LIKE KATY PERRY...

Good example.

I'm not looking for Tim Tebow. I'm looking for a man, 40-52 years old that drives a big ass truck, preferably has kids (yes, I would enjoy that), is smart and funny and handsome and knows to order me stoli or red wine. A sexy beast in a Chevy truck that has a good job. I think that kind of man just might like a woman like me.

He went on to say (yes, I took notes...I have never done that in church before) that if you believe that there is just ONE RIGHT PERSON FOR YOU then he knows exactly where you can find that ONE RIGHT PERSON...

"behind the unicorn and the oompah loompah over in the corner there!"

Because that "one right person" is a myth...we can have more than one right person...and a lot of wrong persons.

Mind you he was NOT advocating that we have more than one partner in our lives...but rather that sometimes we THINK we have met the perfect person but that may not be it...or that we may meet someone who is perfect but for some reason we may lose that person but still have the hope to move on to the next right person.

Remember, he was talking about DATING here...he was not talking about plural marriage or affairs.

He then started talking about how we help our children when they ask us about "will I know when I find the right one?"

That is a scary question to answer.

He read us a very funny letter written by a 14 year old boy to his 13 year old girlfriend who was going on a church retreat.

I don't know how he got the letter but it was hilarious...

So full of "I love you so much" things that a 14 year old boy who BELIEVES he is in love would say.

"God bless the broken road that brought me to you baby"

At least he knows how to quote Rascal Flats lyrics.

Toooooooo funny....

He then told us to let God work on us, shape us and be with HIM...

Great advice...I have been trying to do that.

He said not to rush into engagements for marriage...because love is blind but marriage is an eye opener.

Um yeah...

And that the young cute thing you love will one day have hair growing out of his ears and nose and that she will have batwings.

See...back to the batwing thing again...it's haunting me...

He also said that he knew someone was going to come up to him and say "but I know this great couple that got married after only a month"...

And his answer to that..."well there are people who survive going over Niagra Falls in a barrel but I don't recommend that either".

True....so true

More wisdom:

"You will never meet the right person in the wrong place."

Thank goodness for me that the only "club" I hang out in is my fitness/country club.

And yes, I think it is perfectly appropriate for me to meet the "right" man at the gym or at the
club bar...because I am probably the youngest person at the club bar...just sayin'...not a hotbed of singleton activity.

He went on to say much much more...and did a great talk to the men in the congregation about how to treat their wives and girlfriends.

You can hear more on this subject and the rest of the talks at:

www.thebridgefellowship.com

They don't have today's lesson up but they do have last week's.

Go to the "messages online" section then go to "Bridge Audio" and then scroll to the bottom of the page and click on LSD...

I plan to return to that church...a lot...and not just for the LSD series...

I needed that message today...and I am so happy that I made it to church with JayVee and the Hunk...

After the service I told them both how much I loved them...how lucky and blessed I was with their love and caring of me and their friendship.

God used JayVee as his instrument today...to get me to church to hear a message.

A message in a church I was very comfortable in and felt loved and welcomed in.

There was no stained glass...
No communion
No big cross
No hymns
No man in a robe
No kneelers
No needlepoint cushions
No fancy altar
No flowers
No candles
No dress, heels and hose

But there was a man in jeans and a sweater, an awesome praise and worship rock band...and an incredible message.

There is nothing wrong with a stained glass church with a man in a robe leading the hymns, but for me I think I need to shake things up a bit and try something a bit different.

Everyone's got their something...mine happens to be in Sugarland at The Bridge Fellowship I think...

I know I will fall in love again...with the RIGHT person this time...with a person who is looking for a woman like me.

In the meantime I fell in love with a church...and fell back in love with worshipping God...because I think I found the church that is looking for someone like me because I am looking for a church like that.

So to my sweet JayVee...I love you sistah! I love you for asking me to join you and your wonderful family at church and I love you for loving me...

The man in the big ass truck will come...in the meantime I have the Man Upstairs to love me and for me to love...

I love God...

I love Jesus for the sacrifice He made for me...

And I love worshipping him in my jeans...and listening to a pastor who made me laugh...and made me think...and made me see that love will come my way again with the perfect person that He (God) has for me...

All I have to do is wait...and be ready when that man in the big ass truck comes to me...he can drive a car too...

Inspiration Song: "If I Could Fall in Love" by Lenny Kravitz from the Blue Crush soundtrack. Lousy movie...good music...

Bye Darlings...try something new and different...you might fall in love...I did today...with a church...

Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)

noreply@blogger.com (Anice) — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 03:20:00 +0000

"That which does not kill us makes us stronger"--- Nietzsche
Very true...so very true...

Ke$ha Barbie is trying to kill me...but she is making me a stronger mother.

Dimples tries to kill me during my workouts...and he has made me stronger.

Dealing with divorce is killing me because I want it over...but I am learning to be an adult through it and getting stronger.

A bad marriage almost killed me...literally and figuratively...but it has made me a stronger and better woman for the next man that I will love.

Losing weight did not kill me...it saved my life...but sometimes looking at the scale kills me...but that just gives me a stronger resolve to work harder.

So yeah...I agree with Nietzsche

So the easy one first...my body strength...

Dimples dishes out strength workouts to me like a crack dealer.

He makes me work hard and the results are showing. In the last 3 months I have seen more definition to my body thanks to some weight coming off and more fat loss and building of muscle tissue.

And I religiously do "Body Pump".

So now, Mama has guns...and some pretty good shoulders to boot.

Good thing since next weekend I have to wear a halter necked gown to a Mardi Gras ball.

I can't do anything about the "bat wings" under the arms but at least the tops of my arms look good and somewhat "cut". Oprah was obsessed with her batwings...I am too...we have that in common...she should call me so we can discuss it.

This summer a male friend of mine commented that my arms were looking good. I told him "yeah, but I hate the flappy bat wings when I do this" (I was holding up my arms like goal posts).

He says: "why would you stand like that? It's not normal...you don't stand like that so guess what? I don't see the batwings!"

He had a point.

He is such a MAN...with a good point.

So I don't stand around with my arms like goal posts.

And I remember that comment all the time so it keeps my arms down where they belong and my shoulders look good.

It also keeps me doing all the pushups and pull-ups I do.

Once upon a time in my life the only "pull up" I knew was made by Huggies...

Now I hear the word, stick my tongue out at Dimples...and complain all the way to the pull-up machine and then I go to town on them...

I like being stronger. I can lift as much as Je t'aime Jamie and the men in Body Pump...in fact, Je t'aime Jamie and I often lift MORE than the men in Body Pump. Just sayin'...

Hey, as long as Hot Guy at Gym (HGAG) keeps telling me I am looking good, I will put those damn weights in my hands and lift.

Ok..on to the next thing that makes me stronger...the weight loss and my battle with the scale.

So up and down the scale goes...one day I am one weight...the next another. I am trying not to let it affect or ruin my day. But I will say that it does often motivate me to push a little harder when I work out when I see that the scale is reflecting my recent obsession with chips...and dip...

but I am proud to say that I have 2 boxes of Girl Scout cookies sitting untouched on my counter...

And every time I walk by them and don't touch them I DO feel stronger...and lighter...

Today I substituted the chips for carrots...but I was really only using them as a vehicle for the dip I wanted.

Small steps...small steps...

Let's move on to Ke$ha Barbie...ok, I think I covered that in my last blog.

She will not kill me...she will make me stronger.

Thank goodness The Cutest Boy in the World is soooooo good....

As for the bad marriage and divorce...well, I really spill my guts here but some things I should keep private for the sake of my children and my ex.

But I have learned a lot through my soon-to-be final divorce and former marriage. And I have learned what I do and do not want in a partner. And I will be a stronger and better partner/lover/girlfriend/wife because of it...

I have some friends that are going through a lot of stuff right now...some of it good and positive, some of it very very tough.

One friend of mine had a gut-punch yesterday. She found out the man she broke up with in November got married last month.

yeah, do the math...that is 2 months...

um, yeah...not fun...hurt her a lot...FOR A DAY...that is all she was going to "give" him to feel bad about it. She is stronger for it...and keeps getting stronger every day....and today she let it make her stronger.

Mind you, she was over him...and held no illusions that they would ever get back together. But you really don't want to hear that the man who told you he would never marry again just got married to someone 2 months after meeting her.

What didn't kill her is making her stronger...and she is my hero for handling it so well.

So whether it is lifting weights to make our bodies stronger or lifting our spirits to handle a crisis, we all get stronger when we don't let something stop us or slow us down.

I want a strong body...and a strong mind...and a strong spirit...

I almost let my mother's death turn me into a truly miserable soul. I almost let a bad marriage turn me into a FAT miserable soul. And the combination of the two ALMOST killed me because I got so fat and miserable...

But no longer...

What HAS NOT killed me has made me stronger...

So Dimples...BRING IT!

Inspiration Song: "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)" by Kelly Clarkson...my latest "power" song...gets me going on the spin bike...

some lyrics:
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
stand a little taller
doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
footsteps a little lighter
doesn't mean I'm over because you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself, and I
What doesn't kill you makes you sronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

Bye Darlings...what does not kill you will make you stronger...so get strong...don't let teenagers or trainers kill you...

Teenage Daughters

noreply@blogger.com (Anice) — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 04:32:00 +0000

Is it ok to hate your teenage daughter?

Maybe hate is too strong a word...or maybe it isn't...

Right now I can honestly say that I don't like Ke$ha Barbie very much.

She.Is.Making.Me.Crazy.

I have promised her that I won't reveal too much personal stuff on my blog about her...but I can tell you without revealing too much that I honestly think she is crazy.

Or maybe it's me.

Or maybe it is just a teenage girl and her mother.

Or maybe it is the full moon...cause there is a full moon right now.

I have referred to her many times as:
Valdemort
She Who Must Not be Named
The Devil that Lives Upstairs
Beelzebub
The Reason for My Insanity
God's Punishment for Me
The Evil One

Harsh I know...but all deserved names for a teenage girl.

I have a friend who is raising his 3 girls by himself.

I take pity on the poor man.

I listen to him as he tells me why he thinks he might go nuts before he gets the last one out of the house.

She just turned 13 last week...he has a long way to go.

While we were having a conversation last week he got calls from all 3 of them...the oldest tried to pick a fight, the middle one was his happy place and the youngest wanted Daddy to come home---NOW

Poor baby...

He told me he head a terrible headache...I told him that was because he had 3 daughters...

And then I told him he was a great Daddy and doing a great job and to take a deep breath and one day he was going to miss them terribly.

And then I offered him Ke$ha Barbie in exchange for all 3.

He didn't take that offer...and I know he would have given her back in 10 minutes and begged to have his 3 back.

Today when I saw him I complained that Ke$ha Barbie had pushed me to my limit.

He said "Really? Well last night my foot was about to meet one of my girl's rear end so I could kick her across the room!"

I told him I knew he didn't/wouldn't do that and he said "Nah...but I sure wanted to!"

I reminded him that it was a full moon...that is when werewolves come out.

Teenage girls are werewolves...they change before your eyes and turn from a meek human into something evil and dangerous.

And it doesn't always take a full moon...but it does seem to make it worse.

He and I often compare notes on the girls. He often says to me that his youngest "hates him".

Truth be told...they all say that...

Truth be told he is a great man and a wonderful father and there is no way she hates him...

Like all teenage girls she just says that to hurt him.

And it does...

Because there is no greater pain to a parent than to think that our child hates us.

I remember watching "Finding Nemo" and there is a scene where little Nemo tells Marlin (the daddy fish) that he hates him.

I cried.

And realized that at some point almost all children will say that to their parent.

I think I told my mother that I hated her about 628 times...or maybe it was 629...I lost count.

I also thought she was the stupidest, dumbest, most ignorant, idiotic, and craziest person I knew...that was when I was a teenager.

Once I grew up and became an adult I thought she was the smartest and most wonderful woman in the world and she was my best friend.

And I miss her every single day.

Especially when Ke$ha Barbie is living up to the title of "Satan".

Oh yeah...I forgot that name on the list...she is very often Satan...

And I am sure my mother would inform me that I was also Satan...quite often...

When my father had a heart attack he had to have an angiogram. The doctor came out of the room and talked to my sister and me. He told us that he had Daddy on a lot of drugs to make him comfortable for the procedure...and that my father informed him that he had 9 children---7 of which were girls...and at that time 4 of the 7 were teenagers.

He asked us if that was true or just the drugs talking.

We confirmed that it was correct...indeed there were 9 of us and 7 were girls.

The doctor then looks us dead in the eye and says "well that explains it...any man with 7 daughters is going to have a heart attack at some point!"

So today when I saw my friend at the gym and we were exchanging "my daughter is the devil because..." stories I told him "isn't it great that we are working out? Cause it is too early to go to the bar..."

I literally rode off my argument with Ke$ha Barbie from the night before...and burned 400 calories doing it with the help of the spin bike and some rock and roll.

I did confess to him that the night before I had a martini...well, make that 2...and some wine...

yeah, it was one of "THOSE" fights...and I thank God for the fact that I had Stoli in the house.

Now lest you think I drink my troubles away, I can assure you that as the daughter of an alcoholic mother I do not drink to relieve my troubles.

Or at least I don't make a practice of it...

But when the moon is full and your daughter turns into a werewolf before your very eyes, well let me tell you...this is no episode of "True Blood" or a "Twilight" movie...there were no vampires around to vanquish the werewolves...

So I had to use the next best thing...Stoli

Cause like the wicked witch of the west...when you pour water on me I will melt...or in this case you pour Stoli down my throat my anger melts.

My goal is NOT to become an alcoholic before she leaves for college. I told my friend his goal should be the same. Of course his drug of choice is Crown Royal so at least I don't have to fight him for the last of the vodka when we are at the bar together comparing whose daughter became more like Satan that day.

Cause I would totally win if there was a fight for the vodka...

He may be taller and stronger but I am pretty sure I could leap over the bar faster than him...but like I said, he likes another liquor...which I am grateful for...because he is very nice and quite pretty but that doesn't matter when Mama has had a bad day with the Devil that Lives Upstairs...

And if they run out of Stoli I will wrestle him for the Crown...

And I will win...

Because although I am a woman...I do remember how to behave like a teenage girl...and all I will have to do is look at him and start crying...

He will give me anything I want at that moment...even the last of the liquor at the bar...

Actually that might be a good plan for controlling a man in general...just behave like a teenage girl...

I can pout, cry, fuss, whine, and flip like a switch...because at 47 I can easily remember back 30 years to how to behave like a fussy teenage girl.

You can call me SATAN...

Nah...I'd rather be a man's Angel any day than the devil that plagues him...I am a grownup after all...and I want a grown up man...one who will help me vanquish Beelzebub and I can help him conquer his demons (teenage girls) should he have any...

And if that doesn't work I can just go and get some Holy Water...

Mine is called "Stolichnaya"

It doesn't work on the girls but it does help the parents.

Inspiration Song: "Teenage Daughters" by Martina McBride...Je T'aime Jamie played it for me and told me it reminded her of me...I totally get it...

here is a lyric sample:

I ain't complainin', but I'm tired
So I'm just sayin' what I think
And if we're being honest
Then honestly I think I need a drink...

Bye Darlings...I'm sure Ke$ha Barbie will turn back into a lovely girl someday...but I might kill her before it happens...pray for us to survive until she is safely at college...

These Boots are Made For Walking

noreply@blogger.com (Anice) — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 03:44:00 +0000

Have I mentioned that I love love love shoes?

yeah, maybe, oh, I don't know...1000 times?

Shoes are right up there on my "things that make me happy" list...

Along with:
My wonderful children (who will always top the list)
Red Wine
Stoli Vodka (especially in a dirty martini)
Men Who Drive Big Ass Trucks
Lilies
Angel Perfume
GOTT (and GOTTESS and GOTTSON)
D-Nice, AngelAmy, Trainer Girl, Twirler Girl and all my besties and friends...
George's Pastaria
Spin Class when taught by JayVee and Je t'aime Jamie
Dimples
Lululemon tops
Lacrosse (cause it means that wrestling season is over)
Glee, Modern Family, and True Blood
children singing
Raindrops on roses, and whiskers on kittens

OK, so that list is in NO PARTICULAR ORDER!!!!

The kids will always top the list...

And men who drive big ass trucks can hold my hand and tell me I am pretty...red wine and lilies cannot...and Angel perfume tends to be the way I get the attention of men who drive big ass trucks...and thanks to Dimples and my spin girls I have a body that lets me be worth looking at after they smell the Angel...

So they all go hand in hand....

Along with the SHOES!

I once wore some shoes that ended up being the subject of not one but 2 lunch tables at school one day when I subbed...I also hear they were the subject of conversation in the teacher's lounge.

And I am pretty sure Oprah admired them even though her Christian Louboutin's far surpassed my shoes for pure awesomeness (there FlowerVine I used it again...it is my goal to try and use that word every time...).

These are the shoes...the are "girl shoes"...men don't "get" them because they wrap around the ankle and tie up in a cute bow. But when I wear them I get stopped. Just like the girl in the DSW commercial...cause these are the shoes in the commercial...I have them in pink too...

Today I bought some shoes with the help of my fashionista friend AthenaGal...she never steers me wrong and her taste is impeccable and if I could have 1/10 of her style I would be a very stylish gal indeed.

I needed shoes for my navy gown for the Mardi Gras ball I am attending with GOTTESS and GOTT.

So I went shopping and texted photos to AthenaGal...it is a very good way to shop with a friend when your friend can't be with you!

Now being the stylista she is, she suggested I look for a pair of hot pink shoes...

Now why didn't I think about that...probably cause I am not as fashion forward and smart as she is...but what a great idea...a lovely pop of color under the dark swath of "hug the body" fabric.

So I found these...mind you I am totally removing the obnoxious bow:

Oh, and they were less than $17 on sale at DSW...

But then I found THESE little scary little heels:

So we are going to look at both of them with the gown and choose...

And then I found these hot fantastic heels to go with a really fantastic little red dress I have that I am saving to wear when some man in a big ass truck takes me out somewhere special...of course he is going to have to help me into the truck if I am wearing these cause they are kind of dangerous:

AthenaGal approved because she said they are totally 'va va voom" and that is what the dress calls for...

Ke$ha Barbie thinks they are horrible. She told me that I have yet to find a way to wear cheetah print and not look stupid or like a "Real Housewife of....".

I'm listening to AthenaGal...she has made the "Best Dressed" list...Ke$ha Barbie has not and would only make the "Dresses like a very strange art student" list...

I will admit I have too many shoes...

No, I take that back...

Cause a girl can never have TOO MANY shoes...although my ex-husband will tell you I did. I sort of fear that when I have a new man in my life that he will take a look at the shoe store in my closet and the Sephora-worthy countertop in my bathroom and he will run for the hills...and if he takes me on a trip and sees that my shoes almost need their own suitcase I think I might get left at the curb.

Love me...love my shoes...

Any man that is going to love me will have to accept the fact that I am the kind of girl who brought 3 dresses and 4 pairs of shoes with me when I packed up my stuff to go stay at the Rock Star suite with GOTTESS for her birthday and the Katy Perry concert.

My shoes have their own special places in my closet.

For my shoes I wear everyday, or that I wear often...well, those shoes live on the shelf:

For my shoes that are 'special" or dressy or ones I don't wear often, I have boxes. Nice little plastic boxes. And yes, I am anal enough about it that I take a photo of the shoes and put it on the front of the box so I know what is in there...

I am somewhat ashamed to admit that this is not all of my shoes.

Yes, I am aware I could feed a small Third World country with what I have spent on shoes.

Or I could have had a nice pair of Christian Louboutin pumps...or Jimmy Choos...or Manolo Blahniks...

But for the price of one pair of those fancy gorgeous expensive shoes, I have about 10 pair of really fun shoes.

As much as I love Louboutins, I am really more of a Michael Kors, Guess, or Steve Madden girl.

Since I am playing "show and tell" with you (or is it "shoe and tell"?), here are a couple of more pair that I find to be fun...

This pair I actually bought before I had a thing to wear with them. I just had to have them. So I bought them and found things to wear with them...they are ridiculous I know but I do love me the color purple...

I've done that many times...fallen in love with a pair of shoes that has no place in my closet yet I must have them and so I bring them home and if I can't find anything but black to wear with them....I go buy an outfit.

I know that is backwards...but it is me...

Now this pair is a fun little pair of black suede sandals. But what makes them special is that they are my only pair of shoes that I did NOT buy at a shoe store or in the shoe department. I bought them off the shelf in the tbd department at Nordstrom. I went in to exchange a top and my favorite salesgirl Andrea (her real name...use her!) took them off the shelf when I asked to see them (they were on display with some other stuff). I told her "if those are a size 8 they are mine".

They were.

They are mine.

I wear them all the time...and yes, Andrea has found me a lot of cute things that I can rock the shoes with...

yes, I am a lot like "Carrie" from "Sex and the City" with the shoes...
And a bit "Charlotte" in demeanor...
And yes, I have had a love affair with a cake like "Miranda"
And as for "Samantha'...not touching that one with a ten foot pole...

My mother had a shoe obsession that surpassed mine...her shoes were also displayed as mine are and she had sone really fabulous pumps and stilletos...

I buried her in her Manolo's...I know she would have wanted it that way.

I still remember my first pair of heels...I was so proud to finally be allowed to wear heels...I think they were 1/2 inch high...but they weren't flats!

Speaking of flats...not so many of those in my closet these days...

I never understood how women would say "I only wear heels...they are the only thing I am comfortable in" when I was fat.

I get it now.

I love heels...the higher the better.

HGAG is tall...I could wear heels with him...might need them to be able to climb into his big ass truck.

Guess I better add "tall enough for me to wear heels with" to the bucket list for the man who wins my heart...of course I am so short that he won't have to be all that tall for me to wear heels. Although next to HGAG I am positively doll-like. Never thought I would say THAT about myself.

Trainer Girl and I can wax poetic about our love for Michael Kors shoes...once we took Dimples fiancee (who I call "Hottie Girl") out to dinner (the incredibly hotness she is) and before we went to the restaurant we made a stop at DSW and all 3 of us bought a pair of Michael Kors shoes.

Dimples was not happy with us.

Too bad...

Cause we had a lot of fun that night and frankly didn't care what Dimples thought.

I asked AngelAmy if she remembers any shoe stories from our high school days. We reminisced that shoes in the late 70's and 80's were all pretty ugly.

She said a horrible word:

Bass Weejuns

She said once she wanted a pair of navy ones (because she saw them in "Seventeen" magazine) and she couldn't find them so her mom bought her some tan ones and dyed them navy.

My mother was not capable of dying shoes. I envied AngelAmy for her mother's ability to fix and do things.

Speaking of dyed shoes...

I have one word:

UGLY

They were all ugly. It was not possible to find an attractive pair of dyeable shoes.

My very favorite shoes are not MY shoes at all...they are the little bronzed baby shoes that belonged to my children.

Yes, I am one of THOSE mothers who bronzed her child's first pair of Stride Rite shoes.

I proudly display them on my bedroom bookshelves.

My current "obsession" shoes are a pair of L.A.M.B. shoes I bought for less than 1/4 the retail price at Saks Off 5th. Trainer Girl totally approved when I showed them to her. I take them out for a spin whenever I can.

Once upon a time I was a fat girl and all I could wear was flats...and mostly crocs at that...so now I love love love to wear heels and fun pretty shoes. I love stilettos that show off my toned legs and calves.

And when I put on a really great pair I stand taller, walk with a little more sass and feel really great in them.

So yeah...shoes are a big deal to me.

Don't even get me started on my boots...

Inspiration Song: "These Boots are Made for Walking" by Nancy Sinatra...oh yeah...Nancy had some sass too...

Bye Darlings....we all need sensible shoes, but every girl needs a pair of heels that say "look at me...I am fabulous"...va va voom...

Spinning Wheel

noreply@blogger.com (Anice) — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 00:48:00 +0000

"What goes up....must come down.
Spinning wheel got to go round
talkin bout your troubles its a cryin sin
ride a painted pony
let the spinning wheel spin"

Ummm...why have I not blogged about those lyrics before?

They TOTALLY describe my life about 80% of the time.

The "what goes up...must come down" part...that is totally me and my weight...more on that later.

"Spinning wheel got to go round"...
That part I take 2 ways...

1) Sometimes I do feel like a spinning wheel...going round and round and just trying to keep myself and my life in control...and trying not to spin out of control. Having a teenage daughter makes it pretty out of control a lot...have I mentioned that I call her "Valdemort" and "Beelzebub"?

2)the second way is literal...and obvious...because you all know my obsession with spin class. Have a mentioned that I love spin class? Maybe...oh....a few hundred thousand times?

The new bikes we have at the gym are, as I told Hot Guy at the Gym (ok, let's just call him HGAG...he has a totally built-in blog-worthy name but not tagging him as such until he says the magic words "What time can I pick you up on Saturday?")...so I tell HGAG that the "Keiser bike is my drug of choice" when he asked why I like spinning so much...oh yeah...spinning is my gateway drug to fitness...

I probably ride that darn thing a minimum of 6 days a week...and I love every minute of it especially if JayVee or Je t'aime Jamie are teaching...but I also do a pretty damn good job of it on my own.

That bike is why I have lost over 140 pounds.

That bike is why my legs look good and I like to show them off in dangerous heels.

That bike is why I can now rock a pair of fabulous jeans.

That bike is why I have a really high level of cardio fitness.

That bike is why I wear a size 8.

That bike is why the only "big ass" in my life is the truck that belongs to the man who will one day win my heart...remember, I like a guy who drives a big ass truck...not a guy that HAS big ass...and I don't want mine to be any bigger...I'll keep the "Kardashian" butt thing going (genetics) but it won't be fat...thanks to that bike...

That bike is why HGAG keeps chatting me up, telling me sweet things about how I look, and walking me to my car when we leave the gym...then he says goodbye and goes and climbs into...his big ass truck...

So that spinning wheel that is my life...I'll keep it...

Now the "talking bout your troubles it's a cryin sin" part of the song...

HELLO!

Why the heck do you think I write this blog?

Yes...for some reason you people read this dribble I shell out to you and I'm pretty sure I spend MOST of my time complaining or whining about something.

Strangely you come back for more...and tell me you like it.

My friend...oh, she needs a name...I'm gonna call her "FlowerVine" (RV that is you...cause it goes with your name...you are pretty as a flower and it works with your real last name)...this week she called me "awesomeness" and told me to blog about it.

I don't always feel like "awesomeness" so I usually complain about it here...and you pour souls get to read about it.

Right now I have very few troubles...Ke$ha Barbie is in at least one college and it is one of her top choices, my son just took 2nd place in the middle school state wrestling championships (which means that wrestling season is almost over...woo hoo!) and is the perfect son, I'm rolling with my costumes for our spring show, my dress for Mardi Gras fits (except that it needs 2 feet cut off the bottom), hot guy at gym who drives big ass truck pays attention to me and is very sweet but moving s-l-o-w-l-y (ok, that is sort of a complaint but I also know why he is moving at the speed of a glacier with me and he is worth being patient for), and I had a very fun weekend (got to hang with Trainer Girl on Friday and my friend Rowdy Rhonda on Saturday).

My biggest complaint...well, I told you at the beginning of the blog that "what goes up must come down" and here it is...

MY WEIGHT

I'm actually tempted to see if I can go to medical school so I can have some understanding of how my metabolism works...and why my weight fluctuates so.

I know hormones come into play.

Goodness I hate hormones...they really can mess with a girl's life.

They can turn a perfectly good day into one that is fraught with grief, angst, and dispair.

Yes, those are the days I step onto the scale and the number goes UP...

Grief, angst, and dispair...

Not really, but it comes close.

Last week I was hitting some really good numbers and then BAM!

God says "Ha!"

well not God, but my body did...and my body wanted me to know that pasta, chips, and bacon horseradish dip are ALL not good ideas.

So that number that was in the 150's?

Back up to 162...

I blame the sushi on Friday night when I was with Trainer Girl...and the load of sake I downed with the sushi. We tried to be good but you can't avoid rice altogether at the sushi bar...and it was worth it because I always have fun when I am with Trainer Girl!

As for the bacon horseradish dip and chips...I blame nervousness over The Cutest Boy in the World competing in his wrestling championship...when I get nervous I make poor choices...and I was nervous...and the dip and chips were there.

Of course if I didn't have the "poor choices" in the house I wouldn't have the chance to make poor choices.

I could also blame the fact that my weight popped up because I did not train with Dimples last week...because he was on a well deserved vacation.

Of course I have now given him waaaay too much power and credit if I say it was my lack of training with him that caused a weight gain.

I can't give him that much power...

He already is the ONLY man in my life right now that I will take orders and direction from. (A little line I borrowed from Trainer Girl)

Well, him and my lawyer...oh, and GOTT since he is sorta my boss...

And here's the rub to that---

I PAY THEM TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!!

(Except GOTT...I don't pay him...I just do what he asks me to do cause I lurrrvvvv him and the kids)

ummmmm...might need to rethink things just a bit in that case...but then again I really don't have a choice...I need both my trainer and my lawyer...and GOTT is one of my best friends so yeah I need him too...

And a hot guy (with a job) that drives a big ass truck that brings me lilies, holds my hand, and drinks red wine with me while we watch "Modern Family"...

Well, I don't NEED the hot guy (with a job) that drives a big ass truck that brings me lilies, holds my hand, and drinks red wine with me while we watch "Modern Family" but it sure would be nice...we can put that in the "want" column...

Trainer and Lawyer stay in the "need" column...along with GOTT...

So my weight is fluctuating...

What comes up must come down...

And it will...I just need a little patience...and maybe time with my trainer...and I'll be living in the 150's again.

And soon enough that magic number that is "150" will be on the scale and I will be half of myself...oh what a blog that will be...

In the meantime I will eat right, do my workouts, drink more water (and less Stoli and wine....nah...) and wait for it to go back down.

PATIENTLY

And for those of you who know me well...stop snickering at the screen...

I CAN be patient...I just don't like it very much...

And tomorrow...I'll probably complain about it again and eat that word "patiently"...

It will taste good...like chips and bacon horseradish dip...

Inspiration Song: "Spinning Wheel" by Blood, Sweat and Tears...cause that is what I do to lose this weight and stay in shape...I get on the spinning wheel...and I workout...and I work hard...and yes, there is blood, sweat, and tears involved but it is all good...all good...

Bye Darlings...what goes up must come down...for everyone...use a little blood, sweat, and tears and make it happen for you!

Sweet Talkin' Woman

noreply@blogger.com (Anice) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 04:33:00 +0000

You know...recently I gave men a bad rap...

Not that they didn't deserve it...cause they totally did

And every word I wrote was true!

But in all fairness, I, as a member of the "fairer sex" needs to be fair.

So....

Today I will give women a bad rap...

Not that we don't deserve it!

So here is my take on...WOMEN...

Here are 50 reasons women rock...

1) A man will say "I feel fat" and then eat chicken wings and drink beer and not feel guilty. A woman will say "I feel fat" and discuss it endlessly and will say that the carrots she just ate made her fat...of course she is neglecting to say that the carrots were in carrot cake...

2) Men go into a store to buy a bathing suit. They pick one up...and never try it on.
BUT....we, as women, approach shopping for a bathing suit like full-scale warfare. First, you must not feel fat...or bloated...and then you have to be sure you look ok because the dressing room lighting will distort everything. Women will try on 15 suits and MAYBE find one we sorta, kinda like. We will pay $75-150 for it. For a little tiny scrap of fabric. Men will pay $25 and never look back.

3) When a woman gets dressed to go out it will take quite some time. We need to shower, shave, use the RIGHT conditioner and shampoo, use 18 different hair products, put on 15 different moisturizers and prep products, load on the makeup, blow dry and style the hair, and change our minds about what dress and shoes we are wearing---15 times. Men shower and shave and throw on their clothes...and they don't change them. This is much worse if you are having a date...especially if it is with a very pretty man who drives a big-ass truck. Multiply the prep time and products to the power of 5.

4) Men don't ask for directions. They use GPS...or let "the force be with them". Women WILL ask for directions...but then we have to get into a full-scale discussion with who we ask the directions from and ask 200 questions...and then we forget how we are supposed to get where we asked the directions to.

5) Take a man to a restaurant. He looks at the menu...and orders the same damn thing every time. A woman will look at the menu like a radiologist looks at an x-ray...and then we have to ask everyone (if there are others) what they are ordering...and then a woman will change her mind 10 times about what she is having...and finally orders a grilled chicken breast or a salmon filet, dry, cooked with no oil, with steamed spinach on the side...

Ok, maybe that is just me...

6) Women need shoes. It is a fact of life. We need more than the 4 pair that men need (dress shoes, athletic shoes, loafers, and maybe a pair of boots). Speaking of boots...we need more than one pair of them too. We need at LEAST 4 pair of black dress shoes...and that is just the black. So dudes...give us the closet space cause those shoes need to breathe...

7) Speaking of closet space...yes, we need 75% of the closet.

I don't need to explain that one do I?

8) Men will go to the gym and workout in shorts or pants and a t shirt...and maybe a sweatshirt. Women on the other hand need to have very cute outfits from Lululemon, Lucy or Athletica. And it has to match. And look cute. Cause the hot guy at the gym is there and likes to chat you up after you workout...when you smell like a goat...so at least you look good.

Ok, maybe that is just me...

9) Men like to hold the remote. It is like an extra "organ" (if you know what I mean). It is an extension of their manhood. Women could care less about holding the remote.

Maybe there is a Freudian thing about that...

BUT...we will tell you to change the channel...often...so we can see "Grey's Anatomy"...

10) No self-respecting man would ever be caught watching "The Bachelor"...women on the other hand will disect it like it is a frog under a microscope.

I don't watch "The Bachelor" this season...he bores me...but I do read this blog...cause it is better than the show:

www.ihategreenbeans.com

trust me...it is better than the show...

11) Men can go into a bar alone. They can sit down and chat up a woman. They order manly drinks like Crown Royal and water or a dry martini.

Women on the other hand have to go in with at least 2 girlfriends and we order stupid drinks....that are pink...or have a cute name...

I myself prefer a dirty martini made with Stoli...so maybe I am "kind of" a man...

12) When a man sends a text it is short and to the point.

Women on the other hand have to send paragraphs as a text...and we have to say how we feel...

and we don't like "mmmk babe" as an answer...

13)When we travel, a woman must take a huge-ass suitcase. It will contain 4 pounds of makeup and hair product. It will have 10 pairs of shoes. It will have 2 different options for every day AND every night. It will weigh over the limit so we sweet talk the guy at the check-in and hope he doesn't notice that we are 2 lbs. over the weight limit.

Ok, maybe that is just me...

14) We watch stupid tv shows...men watch sports...stupid shows...

OK, maybe that is more about men than women...but I have to admit..and yes, I watch these...but men don't tend to watch "train wreck" shows like "Toddlers and Tiaras" and "Real Housewives of..." and "The Young an the Restless"...

15) How our hair works makes or breaks our day...not so with men...

16) We take the kids to soccer practice, cook a full meal, get the house cleaned, and help with the homework...

We don't need a parade for that...but we damn sure deserves some lilies...

17)Our weight for the day makes or breaks it...

OK, maybe that is just me...

18)Women need 5 black skirts...just sayin'

Ok, maybe AGAIN that is just me...

19) It is NOT a woman's job to take out the trash or kill the bug...especially if it is a spider or cockroach...and it is OK if we scream when we see one

Ok, maybe this is REALLY about me...

20) Yes, we need a "big ass" purse to carry all our stuff...and yes, it is as big as your suitcase...but we NEED to have 5 lipsticks, gum, a wallet, a mirror, perfume, powder, and our cell phone...and the crap you want us to carry...

DEAL WITH IT...at least we aren't hitting you with it like Ruth Buzzy did on "Laugh In"....

And if you are too young to remember that maybe you shouldn't be reading this blog...

21)When men get drunk they think they are funny...and charming...and the hottest guy in the bar...and that you WANT them...

Women, on the other hand, get drunk and feel compelled to tell EVERYONE that they are loved by them...we tell our girlfriends: "I luuuuuurv you"...and we drunk text the man we love if he is not with us...

Please forgive us for this...there is no stopping it...

22) This is for the "singleton" gals out there...

If you tell us you are interested, and ask for our number, and take us out and kiss us...

WE EXPECT YOU TO CALL US AGAIN

yes, I am reaching back to the college days but I don't think much has changed...even when we are in our 40's...

so you have our number...call us...don't be a....well, I don't have a polite word for that

23)If you drive a big ass truck and we are wearing stupid heels...we are wearing them for you...and we are looking cute for YOU...so help us into the big ass truck (or suburban...or whatever)

24)Women will buy cute lingerie...it is for you MEN...don't tell us we don't look like Heidi Klum or Molly Sims or a Victoria's Secret Angel in it...

JUST APPRECIATE IT

Cute lingerie is not fun to wear...neither is Spanx...but we wear it for you...

25) We dress up fancy for other women...not for men...but to make the other gals at the party think we are really pretty....it is not a "I like women" thing...it is a girl thing...we want to be the envy of the other gals

And yes, we get ticked off when another woman shows up in the same dress...

Although tha happened to me with a dear friend and frankly I loved it...and yes, she looked prettier than me in the dress (DJ that is you...you rocked the dress)

26) Bunco is necessary for life...deal with it

27) Girls Night Out is necessary for life...deal with it...you have "Boy's Night"...ours usually involves silly drinks and maybe a trip to the psychic (don't ask)...

And yes, we will tell each other we love each other...because we have been drinking silly drinks...

28)Our spin class or tennis game or yoga class is IMPORTANT...

29)Yes we would like to know sooner than 2:00 if you have invited clients to dinner...

30)That $50 eye cream works....and yes, we buy into the propaganda...let us

31)That portrait that we spent hours prepping for and dealing with the kids for will be the FIRST thing we save if a hurricane comes...so don't tease us about it...cause you never will know the pain and suffering it caused....to us and the photographer...the kids just posed...after they pinched each other and complained endlessly about how itchy the clothes are and how much they hate it...

WE LOVE THAT PORTRAIT!!!!!...

31)WE will hide the shopping bags from men...cause men will bitch about them...of course they still see the bill but for the few minutes that we think we got away with it...we think we got away with it...and yes, we needed one more black skirt and another pair of silver shoes...we NEED them....

32)We like flowers...a lot...

Lilies for me....thankyouverymcuh...

33)We will tell you that we like the ugly sweater you bought us...but we are going to return it and tell you it is the wrong size...because you bought us an ugly sweater...

Yes, that is what we do...

34)Our cars are our extra purse...that is what my kids call my car "purse on wheels"...

They also call my call "Oprah"...I won't say why because I love Oprah

35)Speaking of Oprah...we like her...don't make fun of her...

Ok, maybe that is just me...

36)When at a cocktail party men will discuss sports, lawnmowers, and...sports...

Women will discuss their kids, cooking, and our gyno appointments...and how our man thought he was "so sexy" when he did something stupid...

It's what we do...deal with it...

37)Women will dance with other women when no man will dance with us...it is FUN...

38)Meryl Streep is relevant to women...so is Oprah...

39)Women will tell their personal trainers things they won't tell their husbands or boyfriends...

40)We like to be told we are pretty...we NEED to be told we are pretty...it makes us breathe...

41)We like to kiss...we don't always want more...

Men on the other hand think if we kiss them it is a green light for more...

Noooooo.....

Romance us a little and maybe you will find it to go your way...

42)If you come and talk to us when we are cooking dinner it is basically foreplay...

43)Women like to hear "you really look nice tonight...I think that dress is pretty and your hair looks really nice tonight"

Don't say "Babe you look fine"....

That will get you nothing...

44)Women want to discuss what the teacher said...or what happened at spin class...please don't interrupt us to tell us that you need to check the score of the game...listen...you have a DVR for a reason...

45)A pedicure can change our day....

46) So can a facial...

47)Saks 5th Avenue, Nordstrom, Macy's, and Neiman Marcus are very special places to women...they are our churches...

Ok, maybe that is just me...

48)When we find the perfect dress for that special party we want to tell our friends...it is like an "A" on a report card...

49)We cry at movies...and Hallmark Card commercials...and the last episode of "Grey's Anatomy" for the season...it is all good...

50)We are complicated creatures...we are worth it...

Ok, that is NOT just me...that is all of us...

We are unique, special, fabulous, and amazing...

Many of us hold down full-time jobs and still run a house...

some of us do it by ourselves...

We don't need a parade...we just want some lilies...and to be told we smell nice and look pretty...

It's not much but it will get you pretty far if you are a man...

Thinking about all of this makes me wonder if I shouldn't just switch to women...but I like men who drive big ass trucks too much...

And hot guy at gym...who drives the big ass truck...I'm waiting...I don't need the lilies yet...but I WILL need you to help me into that big ass truck since you don't have running boards cause your legs are so long...

Ok, that is FOR SURE just me...

I'm a sweet talkin' woman...just tellin' the truth...

Inspiration Song: "Sweet Talkin' Woman" by ELO...and if you don't know who ELO is by the initials then you CERTAINLY don't need to be reading this blog...

Bye Darlings...don't regret the 20 pairs of shoes (and counting) in your closet...you NEED them...and I'll let you know if hot guy at gym who drives big ass truck makes his move...

Dog Days are Over

noreply@blogger.com (Anice) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 03:58:00 +0000

Yeah...I'm still not happy about the whole choir tryouts debacle from the other day.

The monkeys are still flying...they don't seem to want to come back to the castle.

I heard from my friend Marvelous Maggie that when her daughter told her that when she and another girl were witnessing my blow up at the Region director that they overheard me mutter the following as I passed them:

"This is NOT over!"

Then the girl turned to my friends daughter and said:

"and here come the flying monkeys---better duck!!!!!"

Well said child...well said...

There are still monkeys flying all over that gym and I hope they are haunting that woman still...

And Excellent Emma is still my hero...

When Marvelous Maggie asked GOTT about it he confirmed that there "were no bodies" but I'm not so sure about that.

Sunday was a high/low day...

JayVee taught an AMAZING spin class at noon...the club even provided a tv so we could watch the Texans game as we did spin. We were a rowdy bunch and it was a lot of fun to watch the game while listening to some good old rock and roll.

But alas, my poor Texans got bested by the Ravens...and so ends the season.

A moment of silence here for my Texans...

ok, I'm not THAT much of a football fan but it was fun rooting them on and having Houston so excited for the team. I enjoyed the first half of the game and the second half of the game at JayVee's house where her husband The Hunk (cause the man is pretty pretty pretty) proved once again why he has the title of "Grill Master". I pigged out on his ribs and chicken and...

chicken wings...

you know, there is really no excuse for chicken wings.

Ke$ha Barbie calls them "football food" and yes, that is what they are...and the only reason to eat them is if you are watching football.

The weather here was mild so The Hunk pulled the tv outside (as we have done before) and Trainer Girl joined us and we had a good time...other than the loss.

I stayed and watched most of the Green Bay/Giants game and headed home to enjoy an empty house occupied only by me and my cats. I got to watch my silly Sunday tv shows, took a shower and had a nice visit by phone with Jane.

But the BEST part of the day...the BEST part of the week happened in the middle of the day Sunday.

Cause...

Ke$ha Barbie

GOT IN TO COLLEGE!!!!!!!!!

Woo hoo!!!!!!

She got into the program in Boston...and since it is a toss up with Cooper Union as to what her favorite is, we are pretty darn happy about it.

I have been dancing non-stop.

I love Boston...

And I am very proud of her. She got an early answer from the admissions committee. I had a feeling while we were there that she was being courted...and how very nice it is to be so wanted by such an excellent program.

Ok, have to stop writing for a second and dance some more...

Dancing done...back to blogging...

Today I hauled myself out of bed early and had a little ride on the spin bike on my own. Visited with hot guy at gym who drives a big ass truck...damn the man is pretty and funny...I like men who make me laugh...and then climb into big ass trucks to head off to work...3 things on my bucket list (truck, funny, has a job).

Then I met Dimples for some punishment. I told him a male friend of mine (not hot guy at gym...just a friend) told me he did the leg press at 320 pounds.

Dimples decided I need to beat him.

I did 355.

10 presses.

Did it twice.

Hurt like the dickens...

My friend isn't gonna be happy about the fact that he got bested by a chick.

We did more punishment and he went light on me and only made me squat with 115 pounds today. And since I was doing Body Pump tonight I didn't press him to add more weight.

Now the real highlight of my day (other than my high of Ke$ha Barbie being accepted to the Tufts program at the Museum of Fine Arts Boston) was what followed when I got home after the Dimples workout.

So I'm on the phone with a friend and the doorbell rings.

Standing on my front porch is a man and woman. They introduce themselves as my neighbors a street over.

The inform me that my dog had run into the back yard and that the man had shut the gate to lock him in.

One problem with that:

I DON'T OWN A DOG

So I tell them:

"Nooooo...that is NOT my dog. I have cats."

I look into my back yard and there is a very happy and excited yellow lab running about.

Not.My.Dog.

I don't have a dog...just 3 very lazy cats.

They start laughing and tell me that the dog has tags. We go into my back yard and corral the dog and look on the tag.

I try to call the numbers on the tag but there is no answer. However the vet office is listed and it is the vet office I take the kitties to so we decide the best course of action is to take the cat over to the vet.

I get the dog loaded into the suburban and he is excited to be going for a ride.

Until we get to the vet's office and he becomes a little unhappy and freaked out

I run in, tell them about the dog, and Robin (one of the gals that works there) hands me a leash.

I try...to no avail...to get the dog to let me leash him up.

Every time I open the back hatch the dog runs to the front...every time I open the front the dog leaps to the back.

So Robin comes out to help.

I open the back hatch and...

WHOOSH

the dog leaps out of the back of the suburban and begins to run down the street.

Robin says "I hope he doesn't head to the freeway"...

And of course the dog doesn't have the sense to stop at the 4 way stop so we were happy that there were no cars approaching. If I ever see that damn dog again I will teach him what a stop sign looks like...

And we took off running after the lab.

At that point I was very grateful that I was no longer a 300 pound woman.

I chase after him for about a quarter of a mile.

Remember, I don't run...but this time I was sprinting...

after a yellow lab

that was not mine

I have 3 kitties...

So a guy in a truck stops and tries to help us get him but by then the dog had run across the street.

Then he runs over to an apartment complex.

I'm still chasing him as is Robin.

I'm pissed...

This.Is.Not.My.Dog.

I don't have a dog....

I have 3 very lazy cats...

So I lose the dog in the apartment complex but continue to look for him.

Another gal from the vet clinic comes and finds me...she is in her car...so she continues to look.

Robin and I decide to go back to the office and try and find out who the damn dog belongs to.

I still had the numbers on my phone so I tell them the numbers and the gal looking it up starts to laugh and says:

"Oh! It's CORNBREAD!"

The damn dog is named Cornbread...

yeah, it fits...

cause if I ever see him again I'm gonna crumble him up...

So the gal in the car comes back and has him and I leave the vet office having had my 3rd workout of the day.

And I still had Body Pump ahead of me.

I called Dimples on my way home and told him:

"I have a new workout...it's called CHASE A DAMN DOG!"

he laughed...

I came home, did some stuff around here and headed to the gym for workout #4...Body Pump.

Good class but now I am pooped.

So tonight at dinner I tell The Cutest Boy in the World and AngelAmy about my adventure with the neighbor's dog.

And I say:

"The damn dog is named Cornbread"

Well, TCBITW starts to laugh...he knows the dog...belongs to a friend of his that lives behind us.

I told him to text his friend and tell her that I hate Cornbread...

So please, dear Lord, if hot guy at the gym has a dog...please don't let it be a yellow lab that likes to run away from home.

Because even for a very hot guy who drives a big ass truck and makes me laugh I will not ever ever go running down Gaylord (or any street again) chasing a stupid dog again.

My knees hurt...and I'm tired...

And I hate Cornbread...

not really...he's just a silly dog...but I"m not sure I need to be the Good Dog Samaritan again...next time I'm just opening the gate and getting him out...

Inspiration Song: "Dog Days are Over" by Florence and the Machine...cause MY dog days are over...Ke$ha Barbie got into college!

Bye Darlings...chasing dogs is a good workout but I don't recommend it...

I'm gonna go and dance now...it helps to get the flying monkeys back into the castle...

Sing a Song

noreply@blogger.com (Anice) — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 04:33:00 +0000

I am not a morning person.

I HATE mornings...yes, I am a night owl.

So this morning, when the alarm went off at 5:00 am, I was not a happy camper.

But I hauled myself out of bed because I had a job to do. And since it was for GOTT and the kids...well, I wasn't happy and chipper (at first) but I fumbled with the alarm...ok, i hit the "snooze" button once...or twice...and THEN finally got out of bed and jumped into the shower.

And dang, Je t'aime Jamie (yes, I finally figured out I have been butchering the French word for "I love you")was teaching spin AND body pump this morning...and I was gonna be...on a bus...with twentysomething 7th and 8th graders.

Yeah, being the choir mom is not always fun...but strangely it is a job I love.

So today we had the auditions for the Region Choir. 1000 7th and 8th graders competing to make a combined choir. Actually they started last night with the 7th grade girls.

My sweet friend Broadway Betty (not her real name of course...but she loves Broadway musicals) was my partner for it. But bless her heart she pulled her back the night before. But because she is a dedicated choir mom, she skipped taking her meds (so she could drive) and helped me wrangle girls.

Not that these girls needed wrangling...7 7th grade girls that were no more trouble than a box of kittens.

Lucky for my Broadway Betty is sooooo dedicated that she let me leave early so I could see The Cutest Boy in the World fight for 3rd place in the city wrestling championships....oh yes, he got it...should have won the whole thing but got bested by a few points by the boy he beat last week (and had beaten before). Such is how wrestling goes. Further reason to hate it.

So I helped out for a few hours last night and today, because Broadway Betty was laid up with the back (and hopefully back on the pain meds), I had the help of the Marvelous Maggie---my sweet friend who makes me laugh and can wrangle kids with the best of them.

I got up, got a very tired and bruised and battered Cutest Boy in the World up, got dressed and we headed to the school.

The kids warmed up their voices with GOTT and because I am a glutton for punishment, I rode the bus.

I gave my kids the usual speech about behaving, and what to do, and where the bathrooms were at the school.

Then I gave them the witch speech.

The football team has heard it before...but this time I had to lay it on the choir kids. Not the choir kids need the same kind of managing as the football team but a good speech is a good speech.

It goes like this:

"Ok kids...I can be 2 kinds of witch. One witch is all "Glinda"...she sparkles...she wears pink and glitter and she is shiny and nice and pretty and happy and she makes good things happen. I"m all pink and sparkly when I am happy. BUT...if you do anything to embarrass us or cause trouble the monkeys are gonna fly and I will turn into a very ugly green witch and sparks will fly from my fingers. Trust me, you want to keep me pink and sparkly so don't misbehave and please do as I ask you. Cause Glinda is a lot nicer than the Wicked Witch of the West!!!!"

I forgot to add the part that it was useless to try and throw water on me if I turn green because I have proven that I don't melt...

But then again maybe I do because I manage to melt the pounds away with sweat...but that just makes the speech too complicated.

So the kids "got" it...and I am happy to say that the day was trouble free...

EXCEPT

for one tiny little thing...

We had a glitch.

And the monkeys flew.

Because the Region director wouldn't let one of my kids audition.

And I turned green.

Thankfully all the monkey flying was not directed at a child but rather at the director of the Region...cause she pissed me off.

We had a child, who I will call Excellent Emma, who had been given permission to come late to the auditions because she had something earlier that day she had to do.

Now the "what she had to do" is not important...well, it was important but I will not get into it here because it would delve into the boring to discuss it and I delve into the boring enough on this blog.

So let's just leave it to "she had something she had to do"...and it was important...important to her, to her family, and to her beliefs.

So when she arrived late (as scheduled) I took her to the check in desk and things seemed to be going well until the director arrived...

And then all hell broke looose and I let the monkeys fly when she informed us that Excellent Emma would not be allowed to audition.

Ummmm.....

NOOOOOOOOOO....

That's when the tears started.

Mine.

Not Excellent Emma.

She just stood there graciously and took it all in and said "that's ok".

I. Was. Pissed.

Mama was not happy...and when the Choir Mama is not happy...well, ain't nobody gonna be happy.

I argued with her.

I begged.

Excellent Emma kept her composure.

I did not.

More tears...

Huge frustration with the situation...

So I had to pull out the big guns.

I. Called. GOTT...

or rather, texted him...because he was done judging and I wasn't gonna go gently into that good night (or rather afternoon...).

He fixed it...

So we thought...

After a bit more "yes, she can..." and "no, she can't..." it was finally decided that she was not going to be allowed to audition for the Region Choir.

Excellent Emma showed poise well beyond her 8th grader years.

I behaved like a Kindergartener...

I don't accept "stupid" easily!

Once it was over, GOTT handled it perfectly and Excellent Emma accepted the hand that was dealt to her.

I"m still mad...hence this blog to relieve my frustration and anger.

She is not my child, but when I am in "Choir Mom Mode" or "Drama Mama Mode" ANY and EVERY child is mine...and at that moment she was as much mine as the 2 I gave birth to.

I rode home with Excellent Emma and her father.

She never uttered a word of complaint or sadness. She took it with all the grace and decorum of royalty. She was the grownup.

She impressed the hell out of me.

Not many of "my" kids would have handled it that way.

She did not pity herself. She did not cry.

The tears were all mine.

And I learned a lesson.

A year or so ago I learned a lesson from one of her classmates---the Magnificent Maggie when she showed grace and composure at her Bat Mitzvah and taught me a lesson then.

And Excellent Emma taught me a lesson today---that sometimes you just have to accept the things you cannot change...you have to roll with the punches...you have to play with the hand that is dealt to you.

I learned a lesson from an 8th grader...and she is one heck of a fine young woman.

I admire her.

I love her.

And I hope, next time I am faced with disappointment and a bitter pill to swallow that I can handle it with the grace and poise that she showed today.

So thank you, Excellent Emma...for being excellent.

But the choir mom still isn't happy...

And the monkeys are still flying...

I just hope I can get them wrangled back into the witches castle soon...because right now I have a large group of my daughters friends outside on my patio...having a cookout...at 10:30 at night. I really think my monkeys are tired and they don't want to fight anymore.

I think my next blog might be "Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting"...let's hope not!

And let's hope my house doesn't catch on fire...

Inspiration Song: "Sing a Song" by Earth, Wind, and Fire...cause today I had a lovely group of children sing some songs quite well thanks to GOTT...and the Earth, Wind and Fire part fits...because I am Mother Earth...and today when the wind blew...I reigned FIRE...

Bye Darlings...stand up for the kids you love...even if they are not your own...they might just show more maturity than you do.

And Excellent Emma...I love you...an I love the way you conducted yourself today...you are a credit to your parents, your school, and yourself!

She Works Hard for the Money

noreply@blogger.com (Anice) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 03:47:00 +0000

I figured out the other day that 5 weekends of my spring will be spent in the service of GOTT and TTG and/or the choir.

Good thing I love GOTT...and I love the kids.

Between one-act play competition, choir trips, and our 8th grade musical I am pretty much at the service of the school.

For free...

Yup...I get paid nothing for it.

I take that back...I do get paid...

And the pay is pretty good.

I get paid in love.

GOTT loves me and appreciates all I do...so does TTG. And I have a blast working with them. They really are easy to work with and it is my creative outlet...especially the costuming part of it where I get to figure out how to make a girl look like a bird...or Cinderella.

And I get paid in love from the kids.

This year on my birthday I received the sweetest email from a former student. It totally made my day. And I was delighted to hear from her. I get those kinds of messages a lot...and I never tire of them and I am genuinely happy to hear from them.

Yesterday I ran into 4 former students when I went to watch my son wrestle at a nearby school that also has a high school. Sadly I got my time mixed up and missed his match (he won)...maybe not so sadly after all because it really makes me crazy to watch him. But in any case I saw 4 kids that I love on my trip into the gym.

2 of them were boys...they were sitting outside with 2 other boys I did not know. I said hello to the boys and walked on. Then I heard one the boys I didn't know say "wow...you know that mom? She's hot!"

Ummmmm...

mmmkkkk...

don't quite know how to feel about that.

Sweet?

Maybe...strange to hear it from a Freshman boy.

Of course the moment of conflict and feeling strange quickly ended seconds later when one of the boys I know says:

"yeah...she used to be really fat! But now she is pretty"

ummmmmm....

mmmmkkkkk....

hmmmmm....

It was the truth...and funny enough I totally expected that out of that particular child.

Just when you think you are hot you are brought back down to "lukewarm".

And no, I don't want to be thought of as "hot" by any high school boys.

Remember, I like men...who drive big ass trucks....

Those boys can't even drive.

And even if they could....ewwwwww....I am not Mary Kay Letourneau!

But it WAS a funny moment.

Thankfully I ran smack into a very sweet girl who I miss very much and then I saw my darling Sweet Sam so I was happy I went to the school even if I missed seeing my son wrestle...which again, was not a bad thing...

This weekend I get to run the show for our Region Choir auditions. Now mind you, I am not running the auditions...just our kids. My job is to make sure each of the little darlings is ready to go when his/her number is called.

GOTT likes me to do it because I am on top of my game for it...and I also fight like the devil if something goes wrong. You don't mess with the choir mom. Monkeys fly when one of our kids is wronged in some way or something goes wrong.

A truly joyous moment for me last year was when I received a call from a mom of a boy who had made the Region Choir. I spent the entire night before at the wrestling meet telling that child not to yell...and I kept him calm before his audition and told him I believed in him. She told me that right after GOTT called to tell him he made the choir he said "You have to call Mama D and tell her! She will be so proud of me!"...he was too embarrassed to make the call himself so she called...and I cried...and insisted that he get on the phone so I could tell him how proud I was of him. I love that child...a lot...

I also spend a lot of time taking care of coaches.

For free.

Lots and lots of time....being team mom and being equipment manager. Lucky for me the coaches are always very sweet and appreciative.

But they haven't taken the hint that I like lilies yet...I think I might have to leave a note. It will say:

"Hello Precious Coach! Yes you, you very nice man who coaches my son...I have spent the entire season sending out many many emails, I have kept up with the equipment, I have planned and organized and served team dinners, I have organized volunteers, I have created a webpage for the team, I have shot thousands of photos of the boys playing. I like lilies...you can get them at HEB...that is all I need...a few lilies...thank you!"

I'm kidding...

but maybe I'm not...

although last year some very smart mom got me a Lululemon gift card for the thank you gift and I literally cried.

Again, I don't need the lilies or Lululemon but it sure is nice. And it is payment enough.

I love what I do...I do it because I love it...not for pay.

But I keep reminding the head of school that she has until my son leaves the school for me to love GOTT for free.

She in turn keeps reminding me that I will love GOTT forever...

She's right...he's my brother from another mother...so yeah, I will love him for free always.

And the kids...loving the kids is the easiest part of all...

Because when a kid has the courage to hit the stage and sing or act...or when he gets up and auditions for the Region Choir despite a puberty fueled cracking voice...or when a shy girl tries out for the lead role...

Well...what is not to love about that?

And I'll do it for free forever...

just don't tell the head of school because I plan to apply for a REAL job there...but I will keep loving GOTT and the kids for free...

Inspiration Song: "She Works Hard for the Money" by Donna Summer...oh yeah...

Bye Darlings...sometimes a hug is better than any amount of money you can receive...it may not pay the bills but it sure pays the heart...

Hazy Shade of Winter

noreply@blogger.com (Anice) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 03:35:00 +0000

You know, I'm not a fan of winter...

I'm much more of a summer girl.

I like spring.

I tolerate fall

I hate winter.

There is a reason I live in Texas...I like the warmth.

101 degrees and 70% humidity does not bother me. I like the heat. I'd rather melt than freeze.

Right now it is not very cold outside but as I type this, literally as I type this, the weatherman popped up on the commercial break saying that it will be colder tomorrow.

Brrrrr....

Me no likey the cold.

The only thing I like cold is my drink...especially my dirty martinis.

Winter brings cold...and ugly cold rain...

No snow here in Houston. We only get it about once every 5 years.

And we celebrate it...

And shut down the schools.

We get one little icicle and the city goes on shutdown.

We've actually had some spring-like days recently...the monsoon of rain we had Monday notwithstanding. Today was quite nice outside. Hard to believe it is January and the weather was lovely. When I walked out of the gym this morning with a friend we were both surprised at how nice the day was turning out to be.

Last winter Dimples and I spent our workout time at the park. Some days it was glorious...others it was complete misery. One day he was sick with a cold and it was about 20 degrees outside but my faithful trainer showed up and put me through my paces.

There are days I wish he wouldn't do it...like today...

Today we had "fun with weights" time. We decided to see what my limits were...to an extent.

He got me warmed up and then he pulled the bench under the weight lifting bar and said I was gonna do chest press.

mmmmkkkk

whatever...I do chest press in body pump for 4 minutes with 26 pounds (12 kilograms)...so I was a little intimidated when he said "just use the bar".

The bar weighs 45 pounds

No sweat...I probably couldn't do it for an entire Body Pump "track" (song...about 4 minutes) but I made my reps without a problem.

Next he added weight...65 pounds...

um...

mmmmkkkk

I did it. No sweat...10 reps and racked it.

Then he moved me up...I guess 75? Somehow we ended up at 95 pounds.

I did the reps...and gladly re-racked it.

For grins I asked him to let me try 115.

Um...

no can do

OK, so I am not as buff and strong as I think. And I"m not a man...

But Dimples being Dimples he says for me to think of it as a goal.

A little later we did the squats. Right now we stop at 135 pounds but he wants my goal to be to squat with my own weight on my back.

I want to get to 150 pounds before he decides we need to do that...so that is about 10 pounds for me to lose. I better get there before he decides I need to squat 160.

That is great incentive to get those 10 pounds off...

And that will make me exactly half my size.

I might have to apply to People Magazine...joking...not gonna do that...

Anyway, despite the heavy weightlifting Dimples is making me do I am glad to be inside a gym and not out in the park when the weather is not up to my liking. And I'll keep doing what he makes me do because the size 8 jeans I slid on today felt pretty darn good...and I think I looked pretty darn cute in them. Some day hot guy at the gym will have to see me in something other than my Lucy pants and Lululemon workout tops...but since he seems to chat me up despite my looking like the workout queen and smelling vaguely like a goat I guess it is fine.

But I do sorta miss the outside stuff...but not enough to stand out in it in January. But come spring I might just have to get back outside and enjoy the sunshine.

And trust me, as much as I love summer I will be happy to be in the air conditioning in July.

So this boring little blog is brought to you by the letter "s"...for "Summer" and "Spring"...because I far prefer it to the season we are in now.

And oh yeah...one more thing...hot guy at the gym....drives a big ass truck...cause when he walked me to my car the other day he pointed out his truck...and I almost laughed...

I wonder if he drinks red wine and likes to hold hands...

hahahaha....

Inspiration Song: "Hazy Shade of Winter"...2 versions...the classic slower version by Simon & Garfunkel...or the very fun 80's version recorded by The Bangles...I like the Bangles one better...a little more fun and great to spin to

Bye Darlings...If you like winter I'm happy for you....I'm waiting for spring...maybe by then hot guy at gym will be "hot friend"...I like his truck...

Rainy Monday

noreply@blogger.com (Anice) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 04:22:00 +0000

Wow...we got some rain today here in Houston.

It even made the national news.

We needed it but not as much as we got.

I had too much to do today for it to rain but God wasn't listening when I requested good weather. Someone with better connections must have asked for "rain".

Every time it rains here I get nervous. Well, not every time, but when it rains hard and fast I start to worry...

Because my house has flooded...

5 times

Only twice was it the whole house. Once after Hurricane Ike when the feeder band of rain hit the next day. The other was a bad storm. The other 3 were bad storms but that water only reached the living room and dining room.

The Ike time was God's little joke on us. While the entire city was out of power...some homes as long as 4 weeks...we got power less than 12 hours after Ike hit. It seems that some former CEO of Reliant Energy lives in our grid so basically we get taken care of because he gets taken care of. So the afternoon after the hurricane I had air conditioning, lights, and the ability to cook dinner and keep the food in my fridge.

But 36 hours later God said "Ha!" and the feeder bands of rain poured 10 inches down in our area in a very short period of time. That much rain combined with all the debris in the storm drains meant that my house became a little lake.

Ankle deep water

Distressed the hell out of my cats

Oh, and I was a little distressed too...

A few days later the wood floor in the den buckled and we discovered we had about 100 gallons of water under the den floor.

Guess that explains why it was so humid in the house.

We put down stone tile floors after that. No more wood.

So when the next flood happened I just squeegeed it out.

Of course that didn't work very well on the carpet.

Oh, and did I mention we were remodeling the house at the time? Yeah, that made it all the more interesting.

Houston floods a lot. Years ago, when we lived in a different house, we had so much water you almost couldn't tell where the concrete ended and the pool began. My friend was visiting and her dog went outside after the rain stopped and the poor thing kept falling into the pool because the entire back yard was just one big lake.

At that same "flood time" my mother was traveling with her friend Adriana and they got stuck in some high water. My mom had an Explorer at that time. They were driving down the road and came across some high water and got stuck. The water continued to rise and they couldn't move the car.

Now when Adriana gets stressed she slips back into "Espanol" mode...meaning...she forgets to speak English.

Her usual language was Spanglish anyway, but when she was excited or stressed it was full-on Spanish.

So the water is rising and Adriana is babbling in Spanish and my mom realizes that they are gonna have to escape.

But the water is rising quickly and it is up almost to the door handles.

And Adriana is still babbling in Spanish.

My mom unrolled her window and decided to just crawl out and make a swim for it. Not wise but what could she do.

Just before exiting her window she told Adriana:
"I"m going out the window. I suggest you follow me and hold my hand. But if you speak one more word of Spanish I'm going to let go of you!!!!"

Adriana got it together and returned to Spanglish.

My mom didn't let go.

They were best of friends until my mom passed away about 10 years later.

When my mom died Adriana lapsed back into Spanish with me. I let her. I couldn't understand a word of it but I knew the drill.

Sadly I will now admit to you my father spoke perfect Spanish...and almost perfect English.

I know...poquito

which is not much

translate that to: "Anice can't speak it to save her life and if she did she would probably say something like "I need to pass gas" when she is trying to say "Which way is Cabo San Lucas?""

I have many tales of my father's Spanish speaking abilities coming in handy but that is for another blog...this one is about "Rain Rain Go Away".

Just as an aside...I almost named this blog "Sunshine Day" after the Brady Bunch kids song...but it is not on my iPod...and why the hell would it be. Not sure you can even get it on iTunes but then who the hell would want to.

So the rain got in my way today but I still managed to give myself some cardio by jumping on a bike and spinning (giving myself my own class...I am a certified instructor you know...I just don't teach)...then working out, or rather getting punished by Dimples (uh yeah...had to do the 135 pound squats again today)...and I got to Body Pump with J'taime Jamie tonight so 3 workouts in one day despite the rain.

And a run to the airport to pick up a girlfriend...she was grateful...happy to do it...

But I"m happy to say the rain appears to be leaving us and now we will all have greener yards...and I don't have to squeegee my living room...

Although that could have been workout #4...

Inspiration Song: "Rainy Monday" by Shiny Toy Guns. I love that song. I really like the remix version...fun little song...fun little band...good for spinning or running...

Bye Darlings...don't let the rain get in your way...but please do stop and not let yourself get stuck in a flood...

Low Rider

noreply@blogger.com (Anice) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 04:35:00 +0000

So today I got on the scale and found a number there that I have been praying for...

I'm 9.5 pounds from goal weight...

I can easily be there by spring break.

I'm not rushing it because I know I have some trips to NOLA (New Orleans) and rodeo to deal with so I am not going to give myself an unrealistic goal date.

But since this is the lowest number I have hit in over 18 years, I am pretty happy anyway.

It was easier back then...this losing weight stuff.

What happened?

Good metabolisms are wasted on youth...

When I was a freshman in college I weighted 104 pounds dripping wet.

Then I gained the freshman 15...but I was fine and still looked good and not fat.

Then I had to have jaw surgery and wasted away to 96 pounds because I was on a liquid diet.

That broken jaw was a good way to lose weight but it was not the way I would ever do it again.

My dad had a good friend who struggled with his weight. He was constantly trying new ways to lose weight.

He did the all protein thing (before it was known as Atkins)...according to my dad that lasted 2 days...

He went to the Pritikin Institute to try and lose weight. But then he discovered a hot dog vendor nearby and that ended that. Pritikin kicked him out when they discovered he was showing all the other patients where the hot dog vendor was...and that he was paying the vendor to be there at a certain time each day.

My dad told me that at Pritikin there was a sign at the check in desk that said:

"If it tastes good, spit it out"...

I don't agree with that statement...

My dad's friend even went as far as to have his jaw wired shut.

Now being one who involuntarily had that done (because of the jaw surgery) I can tell you that yes, you lose weight but it is a horrid way to do it.

Everything must be able to go through a straw...and the wires holding your jaw shut.

So according to my dad his friend got so desperate for a steak that he grilled one and put it in a blender.

Not a good idea...

I tried it myself...steaks don't blend...

I put a lot of things in the blender during the 6 weeks that I was wired shut. Steak was my biggest failure...but I became an expert at soup.

Tomato soup
Potato soup
Asparagus soup
Pureed vegetable soup

etc.

My doctor tried to make me drink something like Ensure...

Gross

Gross

Gross

To this day I can barely tolerate a protein shake because it reminds me of the liquid nutrition stuff they made me drink.

My inner fat girl was overjoyed the day he said "you need to gain some weight...drink some milkshakes"

Um...

yeah...

ok...

I did...but the problem is that I have sensitive teeth and so it was hard to have that cold milkshake hit my teeth...but I went to the ice cream place and dutifully got my "dinner" and had a sweet cream milk shake almost every day.

I wasn't trying to lose weight...but when you can only eat things that come through a straw you pretty much have no choice.

I lost so much weight that one day I put on a strapless dress and it fell off me.

That night my mother made me soup and put heavy cream in it.

She also got mad at me the day I decided to take myself to the Galleria. She was worried that if someone tried to attack me in the parking lot that because of my wired jaw I couldn't scream.

Really?

She left me unattended for 2 days when I was 4 days post-op but she worried that I would not be able to scream.

She also made me wear my wire cutters around my neck.

Trust me they came off the second my Honda left the driveway.

It was an enormous pain in the neck to not be able to take anything in except with a straw. Not only was my jaw wired shut but there was a plastic place between my upper and lower teeth. And they put the braces back on.

I'm a teeth grinder so I was faced with not only taking pain killers at first but the doctor also gave me a muscle relaxer so my teeth wouldn't try and grind while I was sleeping.

The muscle relaxers didn't come in liquid form. So every night I had to "melt" a pill in some juice to take it.

gross

gross

gross

Sadly the weight jumped right back on as soon as I could eat again...but I was never fat.

"Fat" didn't hit until I got married and turned into Susie Homemaker and started cooking non-stop.

And then fatter happened when I just gave up. And was unhappy.

Now that I know what I need to do to be happy, fat isn't going to be an issue.

And the next man I am with will like to eat healthy...and drink red wine...and drive a big ass truck....

just sayin'

Inspiration Song: "Low Rider" by War...where were you when it was popular? I'm not saying...

Bye Darlings...the only way to lose weight is by eating right and moving...no gimmicks, no tricks...

I Like It (Debarge version)

noreply@blogger.com (Anice) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 04:45:00 +0000

Hello Darlings,

I'm still in "recovery mode" from what Dimples has inflicted on me...yes, he is still the King of Pain...

Yesterday he made me do the crazy squats again.

This time he got me up to 125 pounds.

Thank goodness it was only for 1 round of 10 squats...he had me work my way up to it and back down to lower weights after.

I'm sure tomorrow will bring more of the same unless we decide to enjoy the lovely weather and leave the gym behind and work out in the park.

The positive to all of this is that I'm back on a losing streak and things are tightening and toning up.

Sadly the loose skin in my belly is not...time to call the surgeon...just don't know when the heck I want to be out of commission for 3 weeks.

or more...

and she (the surgeon) has warned me that I won't be spinning or lifting weights for longer than that.

I know it will all be worth it but the thought of not being in the gym terrifies me.

I still have 10 pounds to go anyway until I am at "goal weight" so I feel ready for the surgery. I don't want to just hit that number, I want to stay there for a bit and let my body settle into that weight so I know it won't go right back up.

But right now I am feeling really good and am pretty happy with how I look. Could be better but when the hot man at the gym said "You look really great" this morning...well, I hope he drives a big ass truck and likes red wine...

I'm missing Oprah fiercely these days...this holiday season I really missed watching her "Favorite Things" show.

So I thought that today I would update you on my latest list of "Favorite Things" and share with you some stuff that I really enjoy or that helps me get through my day.

Now some things were on last years list...and if you want to see last years list look for the blog called "My Favorite Things"...December 20, 2010. They are all still my favorite things.

I still love my Dimples and his training sessions...
I still love red wine (duh...but I have some additions)
I still love salmon
I still love my Riedel wine glasses
I still love George's Pastaria and still think it is by far the best Italian in Houston
etc...

So if I don't mention them again, it's not that I don't still love them...I'm just trying to be Oprah here and give you some new ideas...

Bear in mind that I am a product junkie. My bathroom counter basically looks like a Sephora store. I pity the man who eventually has to live with it all. He better be willing to give me 90% of the counter space or I won't marry him. I'm afraid that some man will walk in and see my counter and run scared...but that won't change me...he's just gonna have to deal with it.

So here are the things that I really, really like these days...

1) Spin Class...just like my training sessions with Dimples, spin class is not work...it is fun. Yes, it is a workout, but it is a FUN workout. If you have not tried a spin class yet I urge you to do so if they offer classes where you workout. Or join a gym that offers spinning. It is a great aerobic workout and for me, with tweeky knees, it doesn't hurt. I have a very very S-L-O-W metabolism...moves at the speed of a glacier...or sloth...but in spin I can burn over 400 calories in an hour. The sad thing is that most of the rest of my friends burn about 700 or so...Give it a try

2) My Clarisonic Mia...I love my little Mia...if you don't know what it is, it is a vibrating brush that scrubs your face. My skin never looked better...it is worth the money...

http://sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P245414&categoryId=C19920

or:
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/clarisonic-fuchsia-mia-sonic-cleansing-system/3267479?origin=keywordsearch&resultback=219

many department stores carry it too for the same price

3) My Clarisonic Opal...another great product from the company that brought us the best toothbrush...the Opal basically is supposed to help "force" your eye cream into your eye area. Now I don't know if it does that but what it DOES do is help to reduce the bags under my eyes with the vibrating action massaging the area and helping fluid drain. I could also probably help that with getting more sleep and drinking more water but I do love my gadgets. And yes, it is pricey...

here is the best value I found:

http://www.amazon.com/Clarisonic-Sonic-Infusion-System-Aging/dp/B004VJ56AK

or you can do this...comes with more serum but not sure it is worth the extra $:

http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/clarisonic-opal-sonic-infusion-system-nordstrom-exclusive-265-value/3236919?origin=keywordsearch&resultback=533

4) Lululemon workout gear....last year I raved on and on about Lucy...and I still love love love Lucy...especially my workout pants...but for cute tops it is lululemon all the way. Lately I have bought some very cute ones and I love the way they wick away sweat and don't stink. I stink but my workout stuff does not. Every time I see someone at the gym with a cute top on it is almost always from lululemon. Their stuff is pretty and lets you feel girly and cute when working out...that is until the sweat starts dripping...

Oh, and if you buy anything in "paris pink" color...watch out...it bleeds...I left body pump with a pink towel...the lululemon website has special instructions on how to wash that stuff.

Another thing I love...their tops come with removable cups so you won't look weird...just ask for them...they are free!

http://shop.lululemon.com/home.jsp

I have this one...was told I was "looking really great" today when wearing it...might just live in it:
http://shop.lululemon.com/products/clothes-accessories/women-tanks/Cross-My-Heart-Tank?cc=9895&skuId=3435260&catId=women-tanks

Hot guy at gym makes me glad I have cute workout stuff...just sayin'

5) "They're REAL!" mascara by Benefit.
Best. Mascara. Ever.
I've tried 'em all...trust me I have...from the cheapest drug store brands to the priciest department store brands I have tried them all...and I have the bills and mascara collection to prove it...but this one...amazing...Sephora or Ulta...and it makes your eyes quite lovely when you bat them at men who drive big-ass trucks:

http://sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P289307&categoryId=C10339

6) Red Wine...oh how I love thee...
I've discovered some REALLy good ones and had a few crummy ones (which I still drink). I have discovered I still don't really care for Merlot but I DO like malbec (some) and Pinot Noir (some) and I lurrrrvvv my cabernets and Syrah/Shiraz and blends (depending on the blend). And I have been love love loving zinfandels lately...especially those from Lodi tha are of the "old vine" variety.

Here are my favorites:
Michael David "Rapture"---yummy...perfect...pricey but worth it...
"Earthquake" by Michael David...yeah, I'm a fan...syrah or zinfandel...both are yummy...so is the cabernet...and the petite sirah...yeah...like I said, I'm a fan
Bonterra Cabernet...good for a $10 bottle and organic
Norton Malbec
"The Boxer" by Molly Dooker...Shiraz
"Blue Eyed Boy" by Molly Dooker...Shiraz
"Parlay" don't know the winery...blend...about $16
Klinker Brick Old Vine Zinfandel (if you can find it)

I have more...just can't remember them all!

7)Jeans...I'm loving jeans these days...now that I can finally WEAR jeans. Since I am basically built like a Hobbit or Ooompah Loompah (squatty little thick legs) I have a hard time. ALL jeans are long on me...just a fact. So I have found that I have to shop a little harder for them. I've tried the "Not Your Daughter's Jeans" but they don't work for me...some people swear by them though and they are worth a try. I do a lot better with Citizens of Humanity, 7 for All Mankind, and Lucky Brand Jeans work best for my body. The Lucky's are the best deal...AngelAmy found some at Marshalls the other day for a STEAL. I usually buy mine at the outlet mall but she got as good or better deal at Marshalls. My favorite style is the "Sweet N Low".
The best thing about Lucky Brand? They come in SHORT, REGULAR, and TALL inseams!!!!! (I still have to hem them...sigh).
And the men's jeans are very comfy too...bought some for a friend and he lives in them and swears they are as comfy as pajamas. He asked if I had witch powers since I got them for the same price as Levi's (outlet, thank you very much) and they are so comfy and flattering and fit even better than the Levi's. I told him that I knew how to use pixie dust when I needed to...

Lot's of places to buy them...online (luckybrand.com) but the best deals are at Marshall's, Nordstrom Rack, and the outlet mall (at the Lucky Brand store).

8)My bumpy little circulation stimulator. It is a round little body massager with little nubs on it that get the circulation going. I bought mine at Sephora but I no longer see it on their website. Bliss makes one called the "slimulator". I call it "miracle worker"...you just soap it up and massage away...gets the blood flowing. I swear one reason that I don't have a worse loose skin problem is my religious use of this little tool. Helps with cellulite too...

http://sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?categoryId=C9402&id=P40693

9) Chicken sutffed with jalapeno cornbread or the jalapeno cream cheese stuffed pork tenderloin by La Boucherie. Ok, don't tell Dimples about these cause they are not on the diet...but...my kids love them and if you don't overindulge they aren't as bad as they sound. Here's the best part...they defrost quickly or you can cook them from frozen. The pork loin will defrost in 30 minutes in a cool water bath. You can get them at HEB and at Costco. They are in the frozen section. Delicious!

10) Agave nectar...I love it to sweeten my tea...also love it in a margarita...but it is better for me in the tea...

11) Ok, back to my obsession with the puffiness under my eyes...as much as I love my Clarisonic Opal, I have found a really cheap product that works really well on the puffiness...The Sephora Instant Depuffing roll-on gel. It is in a tube and has little roller balls on the end...squeeze a bit out and use the roller balls to massage away. Feels good...and it works:

http://sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P276324&categoryId=C11724&shouldPaginate=true

12) Again my eye obsession...I also use Peter Thomas Roth Instant FIRMx Eye before I put my makeup on...it works...it firms it up and tightens the area...like a little eye lift in a tube...

http://sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P283106&categoryId=C11721&shouldPaginate=true

13)Isle Pedi Spa...ok, it is a bit pricier than a lot of pedicure places but you can't find a cuter, girlier, and more pampering place than the Voss/Memorial location. They will even give you wine...

Go on a weekend, ask for Sophie, and you will find bliss...worth every penny...my bella Bella loved it and so do I...

http://www.islepedispa.com/
Isle Pedi Spa (Memorial location on Voss)

14) Serge Normant hair products. Last year I spoke of my love for Living Proof products. I still love them and I still use the "full making" shampoo. But the Serge Normant (he is Julia Robert's hair guy) stuff is awesome for styling. I use the dry shampoo as a way to pump up the volume (as do a lot of hairdressers for fashion shows and photo shoots according to Allure magazine) and the Meta Lush Volumizer really does make my hair look fuller and thicker.

http://sephora.com/browse/brand_hierarchy.jhtml?brandId=Serge+Normant

15) Thierry Mugler Angel Perfume. My signature scent. Attracts men and children. Not sure you want both at the same time. The kids I work with at school say they know Mama D is around when they can smell the perfume...and they usually run up and say "Mama D you are the best smelling person!". As for men...all I can say is that they seem to like it...a lot...a lot...

BUT...it is not for everyone. So be sure to get a sample (Nordstrom and Sephora will make you nice sized samples) and see if it works on you. It doesn't work on everyone. I have received several bottles from friends who gave me the bottles they bought for themselves only to find it is not good on them. So try it before you buy it. Trust me on this...do not buy it until you try it and see how it does on you.

16) Just like Oprah I gotta put a car on my list (along with a big ass truck but that one has to come with a pretty and sweet man who will drink red wine with me and hold my hand and bring me lilies and watch Modern Family...but that is HIS car, not mine...so if I could choose one I would choose my friend LovelyLisa's convertable Lexus...I lurrrvvv her car...I want her car....some day I'm gonna get that car. Just have to find a man who drives a big ass truck to pay for it. In the meantime she is always sweetly happy to let me drive it (with the top down!) when we are together. I luuuurrrvvv her even more than her car...but if I could, I would have one just like it...she has great taste...and she works hard for her money and deserves it. We look good when we drive around in it...but I also look good in a big ass truck...just sayin'

Ok, so that is my list for the year...go read last year's list too because all of the items from that list are also still my favorites.

Inspiration Song: "I Like it" by DeBarge...old school...

Bye Darlings....happy shopping...one friend calls me the shopping fairy...that is not a bad title...

King of Pain

noreply@blogger.com (Anice) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 01:31:00 +0000

Have I shared with you how much I love my trainer I like to call "Dimples"...

yeah...I thought so...

Right now me no likey Dimples...

I usually luuuurrrrvvv him....but today...notsomuch...

Cause he has a new title:

King of Pain

Yeah, he earned it fair and square.

It's what he did yesterday to me that makes me want to change his name permanently from Dimples to King of Pain. But once the soreness goes away I will probably be happy to call him Dimples again.

But right now...he's King of Pain...

So yesterday before I had my delightful little playdate with my bella Bella, I had a workout with Dimples.

He decided I needed to do some squats with the weight lifting bar.

The REAL DEAL one...you know, the ones that all the grunting guys at the gym use.

or football players...

or dumbass women who listen to their trainers...

Not one on one of those sliding rack things...nope, this one is the one where you get under the bar (thank goodness it was padded) and squat down...lift up...step forward to release it from the little hook things and then go to town on the squats.

We started with 55 pounds because that is what I load my bar up with for Body Pump.

No problem...

I do that for 5 minutes twice a week in Body Pump...that is when I am actually being taught Body Pump and not some archaic aerobics class by some crazy guy that wants me to grapevine with weights in my hands.

So in Body Pump the "tracks" (a song) are usually 5 minutes long and you squat away.

Like I said...no problem...

So I do 10 or so with the 55 pounds on...

So he says "let's do more"...

uh...ok...

so he adds some weight...

I tell him:
"Don't tell me what you put on until I am done"

So I get under the bar and start squatting.

No problemo...

75 pounds...

hmmm....not so bad...

he decides to be cute and loads it again...

I think it was 100...

um...that hurt a little but I managed to do 10 very easily.

He gets a little grin...and yes, flashes the dimples...I remind him not to tell me what it was...

I do 10...not easy but not un-doable...

115

yes, I typed that right...115 freakin' pounds on my back while I squatted...

I was proud and terrified at the same time.

He informs me that a high school boy I know can barely do it but does...

And then the King of Pain makes me do a second round...of 10...

the pad slipped and the dang thing almost fell off but we got it back under control and I finished.

He told me my glutes were gonna talk to me today...

No Baby, they aren't talking...

They are YELLING...

my butt hurts...and it hurts to sit.

Probably didn't help that I did Body Pump again last night (with the 5 minutes of squats with 55 pounds) and drove myself hard on the elliptical before Body Pump and used heavy tension.

Probably didn't help that I did JayVee's awesome spin class today and rode my patootie off...

I think I have mentioned before that wine and Advil are a great combination.

I will use that plan tonight...

and maybe a soak in the tub...with wine...

A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

I've been here before...with the sore glutes...but that was from me overstretching once because I thought I was a ballerina and all totally bendy.

I mean, I am a ballerina...
in my bathroom...
when no one is looking...

But not a good idea to overstretch and pull your glute muscles.

That took A LOT of advil and wine...and ice...to get over.

This is not a pulled glute. Just sore from working.

Which is not necessarily a bad thing.

He says we have to "take it to the next level" to get the next bit of weight off and get me to where I want to be.

I totally believe him...even if he is the devil disguised as a really good looking personal trainer.

I don't need ice...just the wine and advil (cause I know that Tylenol will not help and you shouldn't drink and take Tylenol).

I'm just trying to work my big butt off...literally and figuratively.

I have accepted that my a$$ is large...and always will be. When I was working out last week I was talking with a male friend about how people can say things to a kid they never forget.

So I told him this story:
My dad once called me "Crisco". I asked "why?". He said cause I was "fat in the can".

Not nice, Daddy...that makes him the King of Emotional Pain.

He didn't often do things like that but when he did, it cut to the bone.

So I told my friend:
"You know what? He was right. I have a big butt. And now at 47 years old (Good God I just told you my age) I have accepted that I will always have a big butt".

He looks at me and smiles..this very good looking man friend of mine and says:
"There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with your a$$. It's good!"

Awwwww....how sweet...he speaks "woman" well...

Another friend of mine who also speaks woman well said "it's sexy..." when I was complaining to him that I was sore from the squats but want to tone up back there.

They both drive big-ass trucks...

Must be something to it.

Tomorrow he will probably make me do 125...and you know what? As long as some good looking man that drives a big-ass truck says my backside is nice, well...

Then yeah...I will squat with 125.

And love Dimples all the more...

But tonight...he's the King of Pain.

Inspiration Song: "King of Pain" by the Police or is it Sting...or is there a difference?

Bye Darlings...pain is good if it is not an injury...don't let a little pain from working out keep you from taking it to the next level...

Girls do What they Want

noreply@blogger.com (Anice) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 02:46:00 +0000

So today I got to have a "date" with my frothy little niece...my bella I call Bella here on the blog.

She. Is. Precious.

I have forgotten how much fun a 6 year old girl can be.

It has been 12 years since Ke$ha Barbie was 12 but that is not so long that I don't remember what little girls like to do. So we did "girly" things.

We started with meeting my Aunt Jane for lunch at Carrabbas. Jane and I behaved and had salmon (although I did indulge in bread and olive oil...shoulda shooed the bread basket away like I said yesterday but I was starved after my Dimples workout). Bella had fettucine alfredo and kept herself busy coloring in the activity book they provide.

I loved watching her color in the picture. She was so very precise and did it perfectly. Just like Ke$ha Barbie used to.

She told me:
"I always stay in the lines. That is because I make a "wall" with the color on the edges so that I stay in the lines. It is like a wax wall and it stops me!"

OK, that is almost as cute as "frothy"...

We also played tic-tac-toe.

She won.

I lost.

Not on purpose...she really won...

After lunch we headed to Isle Pedi Spa so I could treat Bella to a mani/pedi. I totally want her to have memories of having a mani/pedi with Aunt Niecy...

It is literally the girliest place in Houston. Silver floors, glittery walls, mirrored furniture, chandeliers everywhere, poofy seats with throw pillows, tons of polish choices, flower petals in the soak along with nice smelly stuff, and crystal knobs and pulls. Ke$ha Barbie says I am at home there because it looks like my bathroom...I even have the same knobs.

Here is my Bella having her princess treatment...

If you want a full-on girly time, go there. Go on a weekend and ask for Sophie. She's the sweetest and best. I lurrrrvvv her and my toes have never looked better.

Here are the 2 of us after the mani/pedi...note the girly couch and all the sparkle...sorry for the backlit photo but that is where Bella wanted to pose...and what Bella wants, Bella gets with her Aunt Niecy.

I texted her precious mommy and daddy photos of her and us at the spa...her mother was delighted that we were having such a good time. Have I mentioned how much I love my sister-in-law? Yeah, I thought so....but it never hurts to do it again because I lurrrrvvv her! And my sweet brother was in tears of joy that Bella and I were having such a grand time.

After Bella was soaked, scrubbed, rubbed, sparkled and polished to perfection...along with a toe ring and nail art, we ran to Fit Foods and grabbed some food for me and then ran by the house to let Bella say "goodbye" to Ke$ha Barbie.

Then we headed to the crack house.

ok...I got you there...you can now recover because NOOOOOO I did not take her to a REAL crack house...

We went to Crave Cupcakes...

I call it the Crack House or the Crack Den. It's all the same. It is crack...once you have one you can't help yourself but to continue with the addiction. It is total kryptonite to me. We did not eat our cupcakes but chose to bring them home...so I had a box made up for her, her daddy and her brother and I brought my crack home so my children can indulge...along with me...just one...just one...ok, maybe 2...but not today...one today and maybe one tomorrow if there are any left.

After the Crack Den I had to return her to my brother.

It was like handing over a precious diamond.

I kept the tears for the car...I will see her soon but letting go of something that adorable is hard to do.

I'm glad I get to be a fun aunt to my nieces and nephews. It makes memories for us all.

I have incredible memories of Jane coming to visit. We would impatiently wait for her to arrive because once Jane hit town the fun began. I am happy to say that (mumble) years later we still have a blast together but now we get to do grown-up things like drink wine together instead of the milkshakes we had when I was younger.

One time we decided to try and make "grown-up" milkshakes with liquor. Not a great idea. Ice cream everywhere and we discovered some liquors don't mix well together. And because they tasted like dessert we ended up getting tipsy...not plowed, just tipsy.

Jane also helped me grow up. She still does. I have fond memories of her taking me to see "Animal House" when I was ALMOST too young to see it. (OK, now you have a pretty good idea of my age if I saw Animal House in a theater). It took us 2 different theaters before they would let us in since it was rated "R". I had questions after the movie...she answered them.

And we both wanted to have a massive food fight after seeing it.

Jane often would arrive in town after driving all night from Kansas when she lived there in high school and college. My sisters and I would sneak into her room and would "accidently on purpose" wake her up...poor thing needed her sleep but we couldn't wait for the fun we had with her.

I also have fun memories of times spent with my Aunt Gayle. Since she is only 4 years older than me I basically gave her hell...because it was more like having a big sister than an aunt. I was horrible to her when I was 12 and she was 16. I told her she was a terrible driver. I wouldn't mind her. I gave her s&*& all the time.

Lucky for me she is the forgiving sort...

And now we have a huge blast together. One time when she was working for the "John and Leeza Show" I was in California so I went to see the show. I was pregnant with Ke$ha Barbie...about 30 weeks so I was huge. I turned into a 12 year old again and tormented her by being the enormous preggo lady calling her "Aunt Gayle"...

Lucky for me she is the forgiving sort...

I once went up to Kansas and spent several weeks with my grandparents. Jane and Gayle were still living at home. I tormented Gayle the whole time...refused to watch the shows she wanted to watch, picked on her about her hair, made fun of her obsession with Starsky and Hutch, and wouldn't mind her when we were at the swimming pool.

Lucky for me she is the forgiving sort...

I worshipped Jane...lavished my love upon her and she on me. She took us to the movies (The Pink Panther!) and to the pool. We went to the amusement park.

I refused to ride some horrible ride. I think it was called the Zambeezee Zinger. It terrified me....and I wouldn't ride it with Gayle no matter how much she begged.

Years later I took Ke$ha Barbie and The Cutest Boy in the World to California. We spent a few days with Gayle. We went to Six Flags.

I rode the roller coasters with Gayle.

We held hands and screamed.

It was one of the most joyful times of my life.

Because we got a "do-over" and we had a blast doing it with each other.

We didn't let anyone else (including my ex) ride those rides with us...it was OUR time and we were gonna do it. Gayle and Ke$ha Barbie rode one particularly nasty roller coaster called "Goliath" together...Ke$ha Barbie had watched a show on how they built it and was obsessed with riding it. it was a special thing for her to do with Gayle.

It was one of the most joyful times of her life.

Lucky for me...she is the forgiving sort...and she loves me with all her heart and I have an amazing set of aunts. Not only do I have my aunts by blood but my uncles have managed to each marry an incredible woman that I am blessed to have in my life and I love them so very very much.

I don't have my mom anymore but I do have my aunts...how lucky am I?

I have a great time with them...and they are my role models as to how I should be with my nieces and nephews.

And as for my bella Bella...shhhhhhh...don't tell anyone...but she stole my heart and might just be my favorite little girl in the world...

Inspiration Song: "Girls Do What They Want" by The Maine

Bye Darlings...you never know how your relationship with a child that is not your own might just affect them...I've been blessed to have my aunts...I want to be a blessing to my bella Bella...

Start Me Up

noreply@blogger.com (Anice) — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 00:20:00 +0000

So...it's 2012

I have a feeling it is going to be a very very good year!

So Happy New Year friends...let this year be the best you have ever had.

Did you get your party on last night or did you spend a quiet evening at hone with those you love?

Whatever you did, it doesn't really matter as long as you enjoyed yourself.

And I hope you are not nursing a raging hangover...

I am happy to say I am not...nursing a raging hangover...although I am tired.

I had a nice quiet night...no big parties. GOTT and GOTTESS invited me to a party last night but I was feeling a bit tired so I thanked them for including me but decided to stay home. My brother came over and brought my "frothy" little niece and my adorable nephew and we had a little visit and the kids made me art to hang on my refrigerator...

It's been a long time since I had art from a child to hang on the fridge. Ke$ha Barbie makes art all the time but she no longer wants me to display it on the fridge so I am happy to have some new things to look at when I go to the fridge for my breakfast.

After they left I took Ke$ha Barbie and her friend to another friend's house for a party. The parents were home and locking the kids up so I felt it was a safe place for her to be and I was happy that I didn't have 10 seniors here to get their party on.

I will forever be grateful to that family for taking on the challenge of keeping them from doing something stupid like drinking and driving.

Not that I condone teenage drinking...but I"m also smart enough to know that they were going to drink some champagne.

Because I did the same thing when I was a senior in high school.

So after dropping her off I ran to meet D-Nice and her family at a restaurant to ring in the new year...but I missed midnight thanks to epic construction on the freeway and the fact that I had left the house looking like the dregs of hell and needed a quick fix-up.

Please don't ever tell any man I am involved with that I CAN actually change clothes, run some dry shampoo through my hair and fluff it up, and get on my makeup in under 10 minutes.

Thank goodness I had showered before my brother and kids came over...

So did you make your resolutions?

Or wish or pray for good things to happen this year?

You have seen my list...not anything unattainable.

Years ago I would tell myself:
"This is the year I am going to get in shape and lose weight...and I will start on January 1"

And then someone would invite us over and there would be queso and that would go out the window. So I would declare that I would start the next day but never did.

Today I stepped onto the scale to see where I am on January 1 and I am happy to say that I am over 40 pounds under where I was a year ago and I feel I am in darn good shape.

My weight is at a new low...can't remember the last time I saw today's number on the scale.

I have a few more pounds to lose before I can declare myself "happy" but I also know that I"m not going to tell myself that I need to reach a ridiculous number that will be hard to stay at. I'm going to let my body settle in at a good place and just plan to stay there.

This morning as I drove to pick up Ke$ha Barbie from her friend's house I was thinking about you my friends...and the ones of you who want to lose weight or get in shape and how today can really mark the start of your new life and new self.

So here is a little advice on how to get it started...

1) Don't tell yourself you are going to lose a certain amount of weight...that is too much pressure...instead tell yourself that you are going to lose SOME weight and you are going to do it the right way.

2) So what is the "right" way?

My answer to that is very simple: whatever works for YOU

For me it was just cutting out certain foods...eating clean...eating healthy...limiting my cards...having good lean protein in my diet...eating more fruits and vegetables.

For some of you the right way might be Weight Watchers...or Jenny Craig...or a medically supervised program.

Do what works for YOU...just because it worked for someone else doesn't mean it is the right plan for you.

So my suggestion is to look at what your lifestyle is and find a way to do it that works for how you live and work. For me, because I have the luxury of time to cook and shop it was making my own food and also going to Fit Foods for some of my meals.

Some people are motivated by working with a group...if that's the case, do weight watchers...especially if you are fastidious enough to count points and calories, etc.

I don't like to have to do that so for me it was easier just to know I was eating GOOD food and leaving it at that.

Find a plan that works for you...stick with it for a minimum of 3 weeks and if it is working go forward...if you need to switch it up, then switch it up. DO NOT give up just because you haven't lost 10 pounds...you have to give it time.

Just remember...The Biggest Loser is a reality tv show and unless we have Bob and Jillian and "the ranch" we can't do that!

3) So if you want to take the easy way...or at least what I call the easy way...and just eat clean, here are some ways to do it:

cut out sugar
cut out bread
cut out pasta (unless gluten free or whole wheat and even then limit it to special times)
cut out corn products (and yes, that means corn tortillas and chips)
cut out alcohol (I didn't do it but it does help...I just know I needed wine)
if you do drink, make it red wine or something without a sugary mixer (no margaritas)
make veggies the largest portion on your plate and eat them first
drink more water
eat lean protein (salmon, turkey, chicken, lean pork or beef)
no fried foods
use butter as a seasoning, not a cooking oil
try coconut oil or use olive oil...and sparingly!
don't "bread" anything
eat a healthy breakfast that gets you started on your day...not a taquito or croissant
hummus and veggies are a good snack
nuts are a good snack...just don't eat too many
pass on dessert...or let someone else order it and take ONE bite

When you go to a restaurant, ask for whatever you order to be cooked in as little oil as possible, as for veggies instead of a potato or pasta side dish, and try and order fish or chicken. Most restaurants make HUGE portions so ask for a "to go" box to be brought when they bring your meal out and box it up or ask them to box up half and only serve you half on the plate...you won't miss it. Or split with someone. Shoo the bread basket away so you won't be temped. Tell them not to come near you with the dessert tray. Order a salad with the dressing on the side and eat it first.

4)You have to move...like I have said before, it is simple math...less input/more output = a thinner healthier you.

Join a gym if you can and try out ALL the classes. I have found that I love spin class and Body Pump but as for yoga and pilates...notsomuch. But that is just me...I"m a "hardcore" girl. Not that yoga and pilates can't be hardcore...but for me I need some loud music and I have to be moving and pumping. I have several friends who swear by yoga and pilates...it might be just your cup of tea! And try a class more than once...it might be the time of day you don't like or maybe the instructor's style isn't to your liking...or some mix of both. And try different instructors...I gave a new gal a chance in spin yesterday and I really enjoyed the class.

And if you can't join a gym, turn your home into one. You don't have to buy expensive equipment, just get some inexpesnsive hand weights and maybe a body bar. You can also get some rubberbands...they are great for strength and stretching.

Log onto womenshealthmag.com and you can get a lot of free exercise advice and a lot of suggested moves for your workout.

Schedule your workouts just like you schedule a meeting...that way you won't skip out on them. Or plan to meet a friend at a group exercise class so you won't fail to show up.

That's really all there is too it.

The first step is the hardest...making the commitment to do it. After my trip up the stairs where my teacher friend thought I was going to have a heart attack I decided then and there that I was ready...I was done being fat and unhealthy. And from that day on I ate clean and healthy.

Nowadays I allow myself to cheat quite a bit but I have a plan for it. If I know I am going to be confronted with a fattening meal or a party I eat clean and healthy all day leading up to it (or after if it is lunch) and if I know I am going to a cocktail party I always eat something healthy before so I can pass up the canape tray or limit myself to just one or two yummy little noshes.

I did the same thing with my exercise...I showed up at the club, climbed onto the elliptical and did an hour. And ever since I have done some sort of workout almost every single day. Except today...I took today off...the club was closed...

OK, so this blog has been really boring so I feel I must amuse you a little bit before I send this blog to "publish"...so I will tell you about my class I took last week.

Last Monday my usual Body Pump instructor was out of town and so she needed a sub. The guy who subbed SAID he was certified to teach Body Pump.

Note I said "said"

Because he didn't...or at least he wasn't teaching us Body Pump.

He started in on the warmup and suddenly I was transported back to 1988 and Body Rock Houston aerobics classes. All that was missing was the thong leotards and leg warmers.

He wanted us to do grapevines with small weights in our hands and dance about the room like we were escapees from Olivia Newton John's "Physical" video.

My friend Fitness Chick and her daughter were the only ones in the class with me. Fitness Chick kept asking the instructor if we were going to do Body Pump.

I finally gave up...I texted JayVee (since she is the group exercise director) and told her:
"Houston we have a problem" and then told her I was walking out. It was not her fault the guy was the worst instructor I have ever had...he said he was certified and answered the email for a sub.

Happy to say she has taken him off the Body Pump sub list...

She laughed and told me to go and so I did...

And left 1988 behind me with poor Fitness Chick and her daughter still grapevining away.

I don't grapevine...I much prefer a jazz square...

Inspiration Song: "Start me Up" by the Stones...the Rolling Stones that is...as if you didn't know...

Bye Darlings---let's get this new year started...start tomorrow on your path to a new and better you!

1983

noreply@blogger.com (Anice) — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 17:29:00 +0000

Ah...it's New Year's Eve...

Is there a night more fraught with stress and pressure?

It's like if you don't do something AMAZING on New Year's Eve...well, then, your whole year is gonna suck.

Not true...

But many of us feel that.

It's 11:00 in the morning and I still don't know what I am gonna do tonight. I have offers of fun things to do but I'm not sure what I feel like doing.

So I'm not gonna worry about it.

I might just end up spending the evening with my brother and his kids...which, by the way, are some of the darn cutest kids in the world.

My 6 year old niece...I'm gonna call her "Bella" (not her real name...and no, this has nothing to do with Twilight) cause she is so beautiful. And she is adorable. She is my bella. Last night she was pretending to give us a cooking class...she told us she was going to make us something "light and frothy"...

How freakin' cute is it that she said "frothy"...you gotta love a 6 year old that says "frothy".

My sister in law has done an amazing job with the kids. My brother, God bless him (and I love him so), has not always been around to be the greatest dad. But he loves his kids and he is really trying to do his best. And they love him. And I am happy that they have the love and stability that my sister in law gives them. She, my sister in law, is no longer married to my brother but that doesn't change the fact she is my sister. And I love her so dearly...

So I'll decide what I am doing about 4...might go with GOTT and GOTTESS, might hang later with D-nice, might take my niece and nephew to the club for Bingo...I'm not worried about it.

One thing I do know is that I WILL NOT be allowing Ke$ha Barbie to host a party here.

That is a "hell to the no" in my book.

She's mad at me about it...

Too bad...

So sad...

Not gonna happen!

I started the day off with a great spin class at the club...75 minutes of working my patootie off and it felt good. While we were spinning away the instructor (who sadly was not JayVee or J'taime Jamie but a good gal nonetheless) played "1983" and asked if we remember what we were doing then...

I had a flashback...

It was really New Year's Eve 1982/New Year's 1983...

Nuevo Laredo

I'm with a group of friends...

I think I blogged about this before...

So it is New Year's Day...the night before had been ridiculous...I have a vague recollection of going to Boy's Town.

yes, we went to Boy's Town...

What happens in Boy's Town stays in Boy's Town but I can assure you that me, and the other gal with me and our dates, were only casual bystanders. All we did is drink cheap liquor. The rest is a blur...thank goodness...

So the next day, New Year's Day, we went to the Cadillac Bar to recover.

We run into some other friends. We all sit down and start ordering the recovery tequila.

One of the gals at the table is a friend...I'll call her "Pistol Packing Mama" (PPM) because she was.

She had a pistol in her purse.

In the Cadillac Bar

In Nuevo Laredo

So PPM is on her 18th shot of tequila and she looks around the room and says:

"those Christmas ball ornaments hanging from the deer heads are bothering me"

(actually she dropped the f-bomb in between several of the words but I will spare you)

She says:

"I'm gonna take care of that right now"

Now she is seriously slurring her words and I feel a BIG problem coming up.

She reaches into her purse and shows me her little pearl-handled pistol.

I almost threw up

I said "NO, PPM! You can't do that"

And she says:

"but they are bothering me and I think I will just shoot them off!"

(again the f-bomb was inserted about every other word)

Thank God her date heard her.

I took the purse

The date carried her out...

Damn...

That left me with a purse with a pistol in it...

in Mexico...

in a border town...

I handed the purse to my date and told him that he better go and get rid of the bag.

He did.

He was a gentleman.

Yikes....I can only imagine the consequences if she had just pulled out the little pistol and started shooting...

In the Cadillac Bar

In Mexico...

I have had much calmer New Year's Eves since...

My most memorable one...one with GOOD memories was New Year's Eve 20 years later...in 2003.

My brother and SIL (Sister in Law)...wait, she needs a name...I'm gonna call her Special Sister (SS for short)...

Ok, so brother and SS are living in South Africa and we went over to spend a month with them.

They lived in the northern part of South Africa a few hours from Johanessburg but we decided to take down to Plettenberg Bay and enjoy the ocean and see some of their friends who moved there.

There is a long story attached to the friends that I will share another time but the short version is that the friend, Cathy, was the daughter of one of my dad's very dearest friends. Back in 1982 I was supposed to go to South Africa to spend the summer with her but the social unrest (apartheid) was too much and our dads decided we should not be there. So 20 years later I finally connected with the girl I was going to live with. My brother always said we were twins separated at birth and he was right. She is the closest thing to a clone that I have...looks, actions, words, etc.

So we are in Plettenberg Bay and because it is summer I had the joy of taking my kids to swim in the Indian Ocean that evening. Then we cleaned up and went to Cathy's house...and we had a "brai" (South African bar-b-que) and drank a lot of great South African wine and had the best time. My children were in heaven and so was I. My mother and my sister and her boyfriend (who is now her husband) were with us...and so was my ex...and we all agreed it was the best holiday ever.

The next day we went to a polo match and had a grand time...and used the champagne there to ease our hangovers.

It was a magical trip...and one I will never forget.

Because when you are surrounded by love, and you find a friend who is just like you and you connect, and you have everyone you love with you, and you are under the stars, drinking wine, eating great food and being together...

well, I don't need a lot of glitter and streamers and fancy parties...

well, yes I do need glitter but you know what I mean...

The best times are sometimes the simplest.

And there, under the South African sky, I had everything I needed to bring in the New Year.

Inspiration Song: "1983" by Neon Trees

Bye Darlings...Happy New Year! Make sure you remember to thank God for all your blessings...one of mine is a little girl who says "frothy"

Golden Years

noreply@blogger.com (Anice) — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 19:31:00 +0000

Ok so I picked on men yesterday...don't get me wrong, I really really like men...I love the man-child in my house and some day I will love a man in a romantic way...but they do confuse and confound me.

So today I will put the picking on others aside and pick on myself...

I went back and re-read some old blogs...just to see where I was a year ago. As I read about my frustration with my weight I am reminded that I felt something was holding me back.

And that something...an unhappy marriage.

My ex is a nice man...I won't pick on him...I did that yesterday.

But I was unhappy and I think the key to unlocking my joy was to tell him we needed to move on without each other.

I. Am. Happy. Now.

period

I am happy now

And I feel good...and I feel healthy and I think I look pretty good.

So here is the New Year's Resolution list I made last year...my notes and comments are in italics...

To keep eating right and working out...and be a healthy fit, woman!
I am

To keep working with Dimples and hit a 400 calorie burn...often...
I still do...and I'm down to my lowest weight in ages...and I just did a workout with Dimples and he will ALWAYS be my Dimples...brother and trainer...

To wear one of my mother's dresses...maybe more than one...
I did...I wore the Vera to the Medieval Feast party and my mama's Gucci dress to my son's tie ceremony and I wear her coats a lot...From a size 24 to an 8 in a year...that is my miracle.

To put on a great Medieval Feast with my friend Athena Gal for Bacchus and the kids.
OMG did we do an awesome job or what...I don't think I can ever chair a big event again if I don't have Athena Gal by my side...she is the best partner ever...and she is just a dang fabulous person...I luuurrrvvv her so much...and the feast was an amazing day...just amazing...

To look into getting my teaching certificate...and maybe just do it...
OK, I didn't get that done but I did get certified to be a spin instructor...does that count?

To help GOTT and TTG put on the best "Peter Pan" ever!
Hmmm...this one is not my fault...they pulled the rights to the show from us so we ended up doing Annie...and it was a very very good show...and THIS year we are doing Peter Pan...I so hope my son ends up as Smee or Hook...

To not let the scale discourage me...and to let my clothes encourage me
Spot on...I hardly step on the scale at all..in fact all summer I didn't weigh myself. My clothes DO encourage me...because I can pretty much wear anything I want and I'm pretty happy with my size...just still need the tummy tuck to tighten up the loose skin...

To be able to run a mile without wanting to die...and maybe even try for 2 if my knees will let me. But I hate running...
I did make that 2 mile mark...and then my knee shut me down. But I do cardio almost every day and still burn...and JayVee shreds the calories off of me in spin class...

To get control of my "bad toddler" (aka my new camera)and stop having to have Coach Sweetness tell me what to do every step of the way
Ok, the camera is still a bad toddler...but I have gotten better and by lacrosse season I had controlled it enough to take some amazing photos...

To help Ke$ha Barbie get into a good college
We are still working on that...

To help Dimples get a bootcamp started (email me if you want to join us!)
We did and we had a blast...

To spend more time with my friends
I do and I love it...I get to see AngelAmy every day since she stays with me during the week, I see Twirler Girl frequently, I love spending as much time as possible with D-Nice, and last night I went out for girls night with my lovies...they keep me going and keep me a bit insane too and that is all good...

To tell my friends how much I love them and appreciate them...more often!
I do...

To spend as much time with my children as they will allow me...they will be gone all too soon!
I do...

To decorate for Christmas...
I did! And even bought a new tree!

To use more glitter and fairy dust (stealing this one from my friend V)...but I honestly love love love glitter and sparkle.
I did...GOTT even let me sparkle the heck out of one costume this time...and since we are doing Peter Pan this year I get to use some pixie dust...at least for Tinkerbell...

To pray more...and to thank God more...
I do

To de-clutter my house...and learn that throwing away something that belonged to my mother does not mean I don't love her...it just means I don't need that thing...
I have

To do things that scare me more often...to try new things...to push myself...
I do...and it feels good...and I have learned to be a little more open...and when the really good looking man asked for my number? Even though it scared me...I gave it to him...

To get Oprah to notice me (well, I have to dream a little...)
I LOVE this! Because it happened...and I went to the show...and it was a dream come true! And I got to do it with my Aunt Jane (the best person in the world...) and it was truly a magical thing...

To laugh more...
I do

To write more...
I do

To celebrate every day more...because every day is worth celebrating!
I do

So now what is on my list for 2012?

hmmmm....

It may look a lot like the last one...

So for 2012 my resolutions are:

1) I'm gonna get Ke$ha Barbie into a good college....and get her moved out and settled at school

2) I'm gonna sell my house and find a new place to call home...and it will be ok...

3) I'm gonna continue on my path to health and fitness

4) Get the tummy tuck done

5) Help GOTT and TTG with Peter Pan...and my son will be wonderful in whatever role he has...

6) To survive getting my son into a private high school...and to survive him being a freshman

7) To get my divorce finalized

8) To go back to my maiden name when my divorce is finally finalized...

9) To survive graduation....and graduation parties

10) To be open to opening my heart to a new man...one who will drink red wine with me and drives a big ass truck...and brings me lilies...and tells me I'm pretty...and to not freak out if he says he has a grandchild...I just have to accept the age bracket that I am in ...

11) To be able to throw things out or give things away and be good with it because wherever I move will be a smaller place and I need to downsize...I have downsized my body...need to downsize my "stuff" now

12) And I know divorce means changes in how much I get to see my kids so I am making peace with that and will continue to do so...

13) To continue to put my children first...

14) To spend more time with my friends and family

15) To laugh more...to love more...to grow

So I guess that list is pretty good for me...not making any big promises I can't keep because a resolution should be something you can DO. I'm not putting numbers down for weight loss or dress sizes...I'm just gonna stay healthy and if the numbers continue to drop then so be it.

Last year was a great year for me...even with the divorce...maybe because of the divorce.

I learned a lot about myself...

And next year, well it is gonna be a golden year...this one was silver...next year is gold...I can just feel it...

Inspiration Song: "Golden Years" by David Bowie...I play it a lot...

Bye darlings...have a golden year in 2012...be the best you ever!

Modern Man

noreply@blogger.com (Anice) — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 21:46:00 +0000

Despite being married 24 years, I have to admit that the male species still confuses and confounds me.

I'm living with a man...but he's just 13...and since he is The Cutest Boy in the World I consider him pretty perfect. But this man-child of mine still manages to surprise me with the things he does and likes.

Take wrestling for example...

That is a sport that, as I have said before, totally makes me crazy. But he likes it.

I don't get it...

What is FUN about grappling with another boy in hand-to-hand combat while wearing a leotard?

All I see is my son using all his might to pin some kid to the mat. And sometimes it gets ugly...very very ugly. When your 8th grader comes off the mat in tears and throws himself into your arms your heart breaks. He was crying, not because he lost the match by points, but because the other kid hurt him...and it caused him to have an asthma attack.

And then the wrestling coaches make them do crazy things like cut weight.

You don't have to cut weight to do lacrosse.

I like lacrosse...

But since I have always had food and weight issues I am a total mama bear about the weight cutting thing...and I have informed his future high school coach that I will not tolerate being told that my son needs to drop 5 pounds in a week...and I won't let him run in a plastic sweat suit to do it.

Crazy...

I DO get that men like sports...I understand that. I used to have to schedule my life around Cowboy, Texans, and Aggie games.

And my wedding was planned for an open date in the Aggie football schedule...which my ex wanted to then move when a game got scheduled for that day.

That was a sign...like that comic says: "here's your sign"...

I should have read the sign...

I have a friend who is raising daughters...he has 3. No boys. But now he has a grandson. He told me that the little boy confuses him. He's just 15 months old so I think my friend will "get" him once he grows up a bit.

He told me: "I'm ready for him to start talking so I can understand what he wants".

I told him he just needs to know 3 things about little boys:

1) Little boys will drop trousers and pee ANYWHERE. And they will do it in the most inappropriate places...like the bushes at the country club. And they like to show off how far they can pee...

2) Little boys think farts and fart noises are the funniest thing ever. They will inform you that they are about to pass some gas and gleefully tell you they did. And if they aren't farting for themselves they will make fart noises with their armpits so that they can laugh themselves silly. And again, they will do it at an inappropriate time or place...like the dining room of the country club.

3) Little boys will turn ANYTHING, and I mean ANYTHING, into a truck, helicopter, or gun. Give a boy a beanie baby and suddenly it becomes a "laser cat" (if you haven't seen the Laser Cat videos on Saturday Night Live, youtube it...awesomely stupidly funny). A box will be a motor car, a flower can be a helicopter. You name it, if it is in a boy's hand it is a gun, car, or helicopter...and they will make the appropriate noises to go along with it.

I told my friend he was too young at the time to remember doing so but I promise he did all of the above...and so does every other little boy in the world...it's a universal thing...peeing, farts, and guns...

Now MEN on the other hand...and I'm talking about the grown-up variety here...they truly confuse me at times.

Things like:

1) They will ask you to cook them something totally fattening for dinner and then complain about the fact they look and feel fat while they are eating it. You want to lose 5 pounds? Then why did you ask me to cook you fettucine alfredo?

2) They will tell you look pretty when you are wearing workout clothes, a ponytail, smudged makeup and smell vaguely like a goat but then you might here NOTHING from them after you spent an hour getting fixed up and curling your hair. Any man of mine better tell me I'm pretty in both instances...I had to ASK the ex if he thought I looked beautiful on our wedding day.

That was a sign...

Should have read the sign...

3) They will complain endlessly when they are sick...or after having a knee procedure done...they become 3 years old and want their "Mommy". But God forbid you get sick or have surgery because you are not allowed to stay in bed and be sick. You have to go all totally "Florence Nightengale" for them but do you think they want to bring you soup when you have the flu? Nooooo...they will ask you to make the soup because "I might be coming down with it too".

4) I don't even want to discuss how they complain about their jobs...then again, yes I do...

So they will complain about their boss or their employees and how hard their day was. And you have to listen and say "poor you" but if you say:"well today I got up and got the kids to school but Little Johnny forgot his shoes so I had to turn the car around and get the shoes and then we were late so I had to walk into school with him and then the school nurse called and said Little Susie has lice so I had to get that taken care of and then I had to go to the grocery store and then I had to take the car in (his car mind you because he is to busy to do it) to the shop and get the light fixed and then I had to take the kids to soccer practice and get dinner cooked and pay all the bills and clean the house and did I mention that the dog threw up all over Little Susie's room and had diarrhea too and so I got that cleaned up and then you informed me that you had invited the Smith's over so I had to replan dinner and go to HEB again and yes, I got the lice taken care of and dealt with which included washing all the sheets and pillowcases and bagging up all of Little Susie's stuffed animals and I got Little Johnny with the lice treatment too because I thought I saw lice on him and then through it all your mother was calling to complain because you don't call her and she wants us to come to dinner and she needs me to do her Christmas shopping for her...and I didn't get to workout today either...". Well if you say that he's just gonna look at you and say "do I have lice? The Smith's will be here in 10 minutes and I"m not very hungry because I had to take clients to lunch at (insert name of fancy restaurant you never get taken to here) and we had a few martinis with lunch. It was a hard day..."

Then you find his gun and shoot him...all the while singing the "He had it coming...he had it coming..." song from "Chicago".

5) They will ask for your number...ask what you are doing for the weekend...and then they don't call or text...and tell you later that they sat around their house in their underwear and were bored...

6) Speaking of sitting around the house in their underwear...why? Why do they do that? I DO NOT sit around my house in my bra and panties...I wear a robe...

7) And the "scratching themselves"? UGH! My son walks through the house in the morning scratching his arse and his privates and yawns. Grown men do it too...

8) Spitting in the shower...and if you are in the shower with them (this is why I won't shower with a man) they will spit at YOU...and think it is funny...and they spit the "gunk" from their throats onto the wall and don't rinse it off so when you clean the shower you are confronted with the grossest things on the wall. They do it in the sink too and don't run water to rinse it. Why? Why?

9) They still think fart noises are funny...

10) They think if they mow the lawn or put up Christmas lights we should throw them a parade...

11) They also think they deserve a parade if they unload or load the dishwasher or pick their socks up from the floor...

12) Speaking of which...why do men not understand the "theory of the hamper"? Socks and underwear GO INTO THE HAMPER NOT THE FLOOR...and I have one word for men's underwear:

GROSS

13) And God forbid if you ever ask them to do the laundry...because your bras will be mangled and they won't fold anything...

14) Men think that you only need 3 pairs of shoes: athletic shoes, dress shoes, and a pair of loafers...so they don't get why you need 8 different styles of silver shoes...but you do...you do need 8 different kinds of silver shoes...and 20 different kinds of black ones...and 6 different kinds of boots...and...well, you know...

15) To get dressed up for a black tie event all they have to do is shower, shave, slap on some cologne, brush their teeth, and put on the tux...

You, on the other hand (if you are a woman), have to shower, shave, put on makeup, dry your hair and curl it and fuss with it, put on Spanx, change your mind about your shoes 4 times, slip on a complicated dress, and maybe some hose...

And they complain about getting dressed up for black tie...and ask you why it takes you so long to get ready because they did it in 20 minutes...

16) And speaking of black tie...they will complain about their bow tie and cummberbud and how uncomfortable they are and how they hate wearing a tux...

But noooo...you are totally comfy in your Spanx, and hose, and the complicated bra and the dress that, to quote the movie "The Devil Wears Prada", took "fishing line and some Crisco" to get into...

Yes, I love wearing Spanx and not being able to breathe...

17) They want you to go and see Bruce Willis movies with them...but they don't want to see a Meryl Streep film that you are dying to go to..."because those movies are so boring"...but you have to sit through 2 1/2 hours of Bruce Willis shooting people...

I'm notsomuch a fan of Bruce Willis movies...guess you got that...

18)They don't get portraits...

So you get a beautiful portrait done of your kids and hang it up and show it to him...

He says "how much did THAT cost?"

You tell him

He freaks out...

You love the portrait and what he doesn't know is that you spent HOURS getting Little Susie's hair to curl just right and to make Little Johnny's cowlick lay down and you shopped for days for the perfect matching outfits (he will complain about the cost of that too). He also doesn't know about the temper tantrum Little Johnny threw just as the photographer was about to snap away because you told him that "Mr. Snuggles" cannot be in the picture and you had to keep telling Little Susie to stop hitting her brother ("but Mommy...I was just trying to make him stop crying and smile pretty!") and how when it was done the 4 of you (you, the 2 kids and the photographer) were wiped out and everyone needed a nap...and you needed vodka...

And every time a guest comments on the beauty of the portrait he will tell them "just how freakin expensive it was"...

19) He will go out for boys night...and he will inform you 20 minutes before he heads out...

20) YOu plan a night out with the girls...or go to Bunco (he will call it "Drunko")...you tell him 3 weeks before...you put it on his calendar and the one on the fridge...you remind him all week...that day, when you remind him again he will complain endlessly about it and how "the game is on" and how he was gonna meet his buddies...but he stays with the kids...when you come home all aglow from the fun you had he will tell you how wiped out he was helping the kids with the homework (and feeding them the dinner YOU COOKED BEFORE YOU LEFT), and how hard it was to get Little Johnny bathed, and how hard it was to get the kids into bed. You will see 4 beers left on the counter and all the dishes are left in the sink for you to do now that you are home because he is soooooo wiped out.

21) He will go hunting and fishing ALL the time. He will tell you he is going hunting and fishing 20 minutes before he heads out the door. You only know he is doing so because he is finding his shotgun shells. And you are supposed to know where they are...

You on the other hand will inform him that you are going away for the weekend with the girls...he will have had 10 fishing/hunting trips during the past year and this will be the first time in 18 months you have gone anywhere without the kids. You will tell him well in advance and put it on his calendar and the fridge calendar. YOu will constantly remind him about it and remind him that Susie has soccer and Johnny has a birthday party to go to. He will tell you "Babe, that is too much for me to handle...can we skip the party?". You will say no and leave a gift (which he will forget). When you get home there will be 16 beer cans on the counter, an empty bottle of Stoli, clothes everywhere, shoes everywhere, dishes piled in the sink, empty fast food containers, and the house will smell like goats live in it.

He will want a parade for "having to deal with the kids all weekend"...

Don't give him one...

22) Can we discuss back hair for a moment?

Uh...Dude...clean it up...get a waxing

"But it hurts"

Yes, and a Brazilian Wax feels oh so good...

Because you better trim the hedges for him but do you think he will "manscape" for you?

I will not date a man that doesn't take care of his back hair...I won't date Sasquatch...

23) You send him a text with an important question.

He answers:

mmmmhmmm

or

mmk

What the hell does that mean?

24) He thinks the word "Babe" is a term of endearment...

Ok, given the right man and the right circumstances it can be...

25)They think they are funny as hell when they are drunk.

No, darling, you are not...

I'm funny when I blog...you are NOT funny after 6 rums and Coke...

26) Men will clip their toenails anywhere...and leave the clippings for you to pick up...and sometimes they want to brag about how disgusting the clippings are...

27) To a man, Pee Wee football is a pro sport...and every game is the super bowl...

28) Men love to grill....but they will complain about the work. For instance, you are having a cookout with 2 other families. The men will gather around the grill and drink beer and flip the burgers. When the evening is over, they will complain about how hard they worked. And they are looking for affirmation that they are the grill master and did a good job. Then they will flop on the bed and say how exhausted they are from manning the grill. A woman, on the other hand, will have had to shop for all the groceries, cut up everything, make all the side dishes, buy and ice down the beer, and clean up after it is all over...but The Grill Master did the work...right...

29) You buy a new eye/neck/face cream. It cost $50. He roars.

He comes home...

with a gun...

"But Babe, it was just $500...it's a bargain! And Little Johnny can shoot it too!"

"um....Little Johnny is 5...so not happening"

What is it with men and guns? I have a friend who literally refers to his guns as his girls or "she" and once told me his gun was "the most beautiful thing I ever saw"...I said "really?"...he said "next to you, of course"...right....he speaks "woman" very well but that time he just barely saved himself.

My dad was the same way with his guns...he would lovingly clean them every Sunday. He collected guns and then proceeded to display them all over the walls...the walls of the room that he made my high school dates come and sit in when they came to pick me up.

30)Let's revist texting one more time...they aren't very good with texting...women of course also do the wrong thing and will write a paragraph...men answer back in a word. But what I am talking about here is that they will say that word and since it is texted and not SAID you will misinterpret it. You can end up in a fight because he texted something when he should have just called but they don't like talking on the phone either.

31) They will buy you some very trampy lingerie...and expect you to put it on...and then they are disappointed when you don't look like Heidi Klum or Molly Sims or a Victoria's Secret angel in it...and speaking of which, do they really think we want to wear a garter belt...ever? And that mesh teddy he bought you...you have to twist like a pretzel to get in and out of? Really?

Now don't get me wrong...women are not perfect either. These are just my observations about men in general and any similarities between what I have described here and your man is purely coincidental...

So at some point I will have to learn all the quirks about a new man...make that 2 men because I still have to figure out The Cutest Boy in the World...and some other dude if I ever have a boyfriend...

It might just be easier to find a woman to love...I "GET" women...problem is I LIKE and LOVE men...so I guess I will find a boyfriend and not a girlfriend. I did offer to date D-Nice the other day...just so long as we go to Australia and capture us a gorgeous little surfer bum who will take care of the "recreation" part. She says that is our back-up plan...I lurrvvv her...

I do love men...and all their crazy stuff...and I'll take a new one just as long as he likes red wine, can grill me a steak nice and rare, will hold my hand, tell me I"m pretty, watch Modern Family with me, bring me lilies, likes my angel perfume, and drives a big ass truck...

and no back hair...

Inspiration Song: "Modern Man" by Arcade Fire...their album "The Suburbs" won the Grammy for good reason...it is a great album...

Bye Darlings...Sasquatch called...he wants his hair back...

Killer Queen

noreply@blogger.com (Anice) — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 21:30:00 +0000

I have a friend who once told me that my "Theme Song" is Killer Queen by Queen...

At first I was slightly insulted but then again, he's right...

I mean, I am sorta the kind of girl described in the song. Not all of it is true but...

So here is my little explanation of why I am a Killer Queen...

KILLER QUEEN
(my notes in italics)

She keeps Moet et Chandon
In a pretty cabinet
(no, it's in my bar...but I wish I had a pretty cabinet...and I prefer red wine and Stoli)
'Let them eat cake' she says
Just like Marie Antoinette
(hmmmm...only if I bake it...)
A built-in remedy
For Khrushchev and Kennedy
(ok, they are dead...)
At anytime an invitation
You can't decline
(I am a damn good hostess...tonight I'm making homemade Mexican food for GOTTESS, GOTT, and GOTTSON)

Caviar and cigarettes
(too salty and not good for you)
Well versed in etiquette
(I am...I am...although last night I was bitchy and walked out of an exercise class...more on that at a later date)
Extraordinarily nice
(yes I am...very nice...)

Chorus:
She's a Killer Queen
("yup" to quote my friend)
Gunpowder, Gelatine
(ok, not entirely sure what that means...explosive?)
Dynamite with a laser beam
(never shot a laser beam but I used to be a damn good shot with a .22)
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime
(ok, I'm just gonna leave that one alone...)

Recommended at the price
(I'm not cheap, but I'm worth it...)
Insatiable an appetite
(uh yeah...I used to weigh 300 pounds...)
Wanna try?
(please let it be a man who likes red wine and Modern Family)

To avoid complications
She never kept the same address
(no, I have lived here since 2000....but I will be moving next year)
In conversation
She spoke just like a baroness
(not really...more like the hick from South Texas that I am)
Met a man from China
Went down to Asia Minor
(no, I have never done that...)
Then again incidentally
If you're that way inclined
(ok, those lines confuse me...)

Perfume came naturally from Paris
(yes, Thierry Mugler "Angel"...I call it "get a man's attention")
for cars she couldn't care less
(very true...I drive an 8 year old Suburban...but I do like a man who drives a truck...any man can drive a car...real men drive trucks...I want a guy with a TRUCK...double cab...with running boards so I can get in)
Fastidious and precise
(sometimes...mostly)

Chorus

Drop of a hat she's as willing as
Playful as a pussy cat
(I can be)
Then momentarily out of action
Temporarily out of gas
(true)
To absolutely drive you wild, wild
She's out to get you
(no I'm not...really, I'm not...)

Chorus

Recommended at the price
(remember, I'm worth it...)
Insatiable in appetite
(again...300 pounds)
Wanna try?
You wanna try.
(someone might sometime...he better be brave...)

So this is a lazy little blog but I gotta get ready for the GOTT family to come over...but I wanted to leave you all with a bit of amusement...

Inspiration Song...what else? Killer Queen by Queen...my "theme song" according to my friend...

Bye Darlings...be a Killer Queen or King...conquer EVERYTHING

Christmas Wrapping

noreply@blogger.com (Anice) — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 16:16:00 +0000

Hi friends!

Did Santa bring you all the things you asked for?

Or where you on the "naughty" list?

I didn't get anything on my list, but I know Santa will bring them throughout the year so hopefully at this time next year I can tell you that Ke$ha Barbie is happy up north in a really great art school...with grants paying for it...and that my house sold to nice people and that I found a wonderful place for me to live with The Cutest Boy in the World...and maybe that I found a friend to drink wine with, cook for, and enjoy watching "Modern Family" with...

I did get some really great things that weren't on my list:

1) My aunts found a very old letter that my Grandma wrote me...it was very touching and special...I don't think she ever mailed it...but I think I needed to read it more now than then. I cried and will treasure it always....

2) Speaking of Grandma, she's almost 93...and has Alzeheimer's...but for a brief little bit of time she knew who I was and that was a very special gift...because I don't know how much longer we will have her with us and she doesn't always know who I am. Sometimes I think she thinks I am my mom...other times I'm just a stranger to her...but when she looked at me and said "Hi, Niecy"...well, I knew then that she knew it was me!

3) I had my first holiday having to split time with the kids with the ex. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be...but it was hard to let them go after we unwrapped our gifts. But God blessed me by easing it for me and I'm glad they had time with their dad. Speaking of which, he looked like a hero to Ke$ha Barbie for getting her an Urban Outfitters gift card...she says he "nailed" it...he "nailed" it because I TOLD HIM TO BUY IT...so he looked like a hero...thanks to moi....and yes, I'm just bitchy enough to have informed her of that...sorry Ex...

4)My bestie, D-Nice, invited me to spend Christmas evening with her family...that was a true gift! I had a really nice time, ate the best bread pudding I have ever had in my life, and had fun with her, her brothers, sister, and their wives, and her parents and her son who I would happily claim as my own.

5)Speaking of family I had a wonderful time with my aunts and uncles, and cousins, as well as my Grandma. We had a perfect Xmas lunch and laughed so hard sometimes I thought we would all pee ourselves. My family is the BEST...

6) I got a lot of sweet messages, emails, and texts from friends over the past 2 days...I love hearing from friends on holidays...and they made my day!

7) Oh and this one was a biggie...Ke$ha Barbie gave me the gift of TIME with her...Friday night we went and had pedicures together and then went out and had sushi. Having her all to myself, without the stress of travel, made for a really wonderful evening. We talked and shared and ate ourselves sick with the sushi and every time I looked across the table to see her beautiful happy face my heart swelled...and I remembered why I love her so much and that maybe I should not refer to her as "Valdemort" or "The Creature Who Lives Upstairs" so much...

So yeah, I had a great xmas!

But as much fun as I had getting those "gifts", I really had more fun giving the gifts...finding the perfect fun bracelets for my aunts, getting The Cutest Boy in the World the earphones and knife he wanted so much, getting Ke$ha Barbie some very fun jewelry and clothes, and giving D-Nice an old Jim Beam decanter that is just like what they used for Jeannie's Bottle in "I Dream of Jeannie" delighted her so much that it almost made me cry! In return she bought me a beautiful french apron and some Herbs de Provance so that we can start on our journey of trying to cook some things from Julia Child's cookbook. And yes, I will blog about it...

I bought myself my own gifts...D-Nice and I went to Nordstrom on Thursday and I bought some hot little tops that might be perfect for a date night (if I ever have one...in the meantime I will wear them for "Girls Night") and some new workout tops at Lululemon.

(And maybe I shop at Nordstrom too much...because when I pulled up to valet the valet parker hugged me and said "good to see you!" and parked my car front and center as he always does...when the valet guy gives you a Christmas hug, you are a little too familiar with each other...just sayin)

This is also the time of year that I like to show my appreciation for those who "serve" me (waiters, car parkers, etc) so I always give a big tip to show them how much I appreciate what they do. I love giving the valet guys a huge tip (see above...it works...they hug you and park your car front and center) and tipping the waiters 25%...and my sweet pedicure girl got a huge bonus tip for being such a doll. And I gave the guys at Sonic a big tip too (and yes, they hug me too...maybe I"m there too much...in fact I know I am because they see my car and start making a Route 44 Diet Dr. Pepper with vanilla and easy ice for me when I pull up).

I ate far too much over the weekend so another gift I got was that JayVee and J'taime Jamie taught a spin "master class" on Christmas eve. 75 minutes of perfect music and spinning so that I could eat the tamales and queso without guilt that night. For them to give up part of their holiday morning to teach us was a real gift and I love them all the more for it...

Marvin the Package Wrapping Elf never showed up...I waited in vain for him...finally had to do it myself...next year that is the first thing I am asking Santa for. I hate to wrap. And no, my kids did not pick up all their trash until I asked them 4 times...and The Cutest Boy in the World still left trash all around...oh well...just part of it.

So today I'm cleaning up the mess but leaving the decorations up for another week so that I can enjoy all my hard work FINALLY getting my house dressed for Xmas for the first time in 7 Christmases...

And I'm gonna workout like a fiend today so I can pay for my sins and get back on track...I had started to lose a few pounds before the weekend got under way and I want to keep that going so that I'm ready for the tummy tuck when I find the time, money, and courage to do it.

Next year here is what I would like to happen:

Ke$ha Barbie will come home from school and gift me with a lovely piece of art...and she will be nice and pleasant and loving...and we will have a fun "mom and daughter" night again.

The Cutest Boy in the World will still be sweet despite the fact he will be a freshman in high school. But then again, freshman boys are the lowest form of life on the planet (right there under the scum that amoebas feed on) so he will be humble and maybe still think Mom is pretty great.

We will celebrate the holiday in our new little house and decorate it and enjoy the fact we are a little family...

My Grandma will still be here and might even call me "Niece" again...

I'll have my aunts and uncles and cousins to spend time with and laugh with again until we almost pee ourselves

The valet parker at Nordstrom will give me a Xmas hug and park my car front and center...although it might be Ke$ha Barbie's truck so he will have to get used to that...

I'll find the perfect gifts for everyone again...and will delight in them opening them...

D-Nice and I will cook some terribly complicated french recipe from Julia Child and we will be proud of ourselves and share it with our families...

And maybe, if Santa comes through, I can spend a little time under the mistletoe with a special man...but if not I have the greatest hugs and kisses in the world from my son and daughter...but it might be fun to have someone make the song "Baby It's Cold Outside" come true for me...and if he has children I might enjoy it even more because it gives me more to shop for!

So there you have it...my holiday wrap up...of course we have New Years Eve ahead of us and time to start making those resolutions...I'll give you mine in a later blog...

Inspiration Song: "Christmas Wrapping" by the Waitresses...Glee did a great version this year too...one of my favorite non-traditional holiday songs...

Bye Darlings...Christmas may have wrapped but the spirit of the holiday continues in us through the year...be a Santa daily and share your love...

We Need a Little Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (Anice) — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 21:41:00 +0000

Merry Christmas Friends!

So yesterday I blogged about what I wanted for Christmas...

Today I want to give you my Christmas wishes for YOU...

(and it is a great way to continue to procrastinate about wrapping my gifts...why is it so hard to just sit down and wrap the gifts? Maybe because it takes so long to do it and they get unwrapped and torn up in mere seconds?)

Santa might bring me the things on my list but it's gonna take a while before the delivery is made...Ke$ha Barbie won't know about the school she most desires to get into until April, I'm not putting my house on the market until summer, and who knows when I will find a "friend" to watch movies with and cook for and spoil endlessly...

But for you, my friends and blog readers I wish for much...it I hope you get your "gifts" as soon as possible...

1) I wish for you all to know the joy of love...love of family, love of a special someone (romantic love), love of friends...

2) For those of you who are married I wish for you all to have very happy marriages. Just because mine failed doesn't mean that I don't believe in marriage...and I hope all of you succeed where I have not. And for those of you in committed relationships (married or not) I hope and wish for you all to have good, solid partnerships and enjoy each other...

3) I wish you all health and fitness. Let the next year bring you the best YOU ever...if weight loss is your goal, I hope and wish for you to succeed and I will be with you every step of the way if you want my support. If fitness and health are your goal I wish that for you too...and that you might find the joy of a healthy body...

4) For all of my friends who are going through the horrors of college admissions, I hope and pray your child(ren) get into the school of his/her choice and that scholarships and grants reign down upon you!!!!

5) Same goes for those who are trying to get their children into a private high school...

6) I hope and pray for those of you who have teenage daughters that you (and I) find a way to remember to love them at a time when they are the least loveable...and that we don't kill them...and they don't make us want to throw ourselves off the roof each and every day.

7)For those of you with boys who play sports (like my son), I hope and pray that your sons stay safe and that when you are watching the horror that is wrestling/lacrosse/football or whatever that you can repeat the following "he will not get hurt and I can stand here and watch and be a supportive parent"...not easy words to say when you are watching your son grapple with another boy while wearing a leotard (wrestling).

8) I hope all of you have success in your jobs and business....and if you are out of work I hope and pray that a wonderful job comes your way very very soon.

9) Many are experiencing financial hardships in this economy so it is my wish for you that are that you find a way to overcome...or that you win the lottery...

10) For those of you looking for love...a spouse...a soulmate...it is my wish that God sends you that perfect person...someone who will bring a smile to your face, joy in your heart, and love to last a lifetime.

11) I wish that we can all see Oprah on tv again...(ok that is silly and selfish but I can't be the only one among you that misses her...)

12) I hope all of your packages get wrapped by elves...I'm still waiting for one to appear...I hope his name is Marvin and he can tie a good bow...

13) I hope you all have children that will put their toys and gifts away once they are unwrapped...and will remember to say "thank you" to Aunt Sarabeth (or whoever) even though she gave you child the ugliest sweater known to man...and I hope they can do it with a smile on their face...

14) I hope that all of the Real Housewives would just go away and go back to their regular lives without tv cameras...I wish that for all of us so that we do not have to continue to see whining excess...although that one time that the New Jersey chick flipped the table was pretty funny...

15) I pray that none of you become a featured parent on "Toddlers and Tiaras"...really...

16) I hope and pray that each of you receives a gift from your spouse or special someone that makes you smile...if not, see #13 and I hope you can remain sweet about it until you can gleefully return it...when all else fails, and you are confronted with the ugly sweater here is what to say "Honey, it's just perfect! But you know, I"m so flattered you think I am this size...I actually need a larger size" (he/she won't know...and then go return it and tell him/her that they were out of the gorgeous sweater...and buy yourself one you like...yes, this takes a white lie but they will be so flabbergasted that you are admitting to needing a larger size it will distract them).

17) I hope and pray all of you are safe on the road for your travels this holiday season...

18) I hope and pray that for those of us who enjoy a libation (wine, whiskey, vodka, whatever) that we all know when to say "when" and do not stupidly then think we can drive home...

19) I hope and pray that your loved ones are surrounding you...and for those of you who like me have elderly grandparents or parents, I hope this is not your last holiday with them...

20) I hope and pray for all of you that when God presents you with a gift (a someone to love, a new job, a windfall) that you have the ability to discern it is from HIM and you count your blessings and accept the gift...so that nice guy in the grocery line who chats you up? Be NICE...he might be your future boyfriend...

21) And I hope and pray when that someone comes along (future love, or a new boss) that you are looking presentable so that you aren't wishing the whole time that you weren't in your workout clothes with smudged makeup and smelling vaguely like a goat...uh, yeah, that happened to me...he still asked for my number...heaven only knows why because he seems to have good eyesight...

22) I hope you all can reconnect with old friends and renew those friendships...make new friends but keep the old...one is silver and the other gold...I should know because I have AngelAmy and Twirler Girl to prove it...and my gorgeous friend Mr. Gorgeous who I had a blast with in NYC...

23) I hope you all find things that inspire you...

24) I hope all of you can discover a love for something new...like ART! Go to a museum...walk around until you find something that makes you stop and look...you might surprise yourself. There is great joy in appreciating the talents of another human...

25) I hope you all learn a new skill or find a new hobby...it's good to grow!

26) I hope all of your holiday cooking turns out well...and edible...

27) I hope all of your loved ones are safe and sound...especially those who have loved ones in the armed forces...

28) I hope you all read a book that inspires you...or interests you...or at least gives you an escape...I"m thinking of starting my own version of Oprah's Book Club...give me your thoughts!

29) I hope if you have a relationship that is broken that it can be fixed and healed...and if you have wronged a friend or loved one I hope you find the strength to reach out to them and ask for their forgiveness...I did that a few years ago to someone I love very much and she forgave me for turning my back on her when I promised never to do that...and she knows who she is and that I love her very much and that she will always be my sister...yes, WS that is you...I love you so very much...

30) I hope you all have a friend that you can tell EVERYTHING to...

31) I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas!

So there it is....a silly little list of 31 things...why 31? That is just what came to me...

So Marvin the package wrapping elf has still not shown up so I guess I better go and find the tape and scissors and get to work...and I hope I remember where I hid everything...

So Merry Christmas my friends...may you have a very blessed holiday...

I love you all...

Inspiration Song: "We Need a Little Christmas"...the only good thing about the musical "Mame"...the movie "Auntie Mame" with Rosalind Russell is one of the best movies ever but that musical is not a good one...but the song...the song sure is! I like the "Glee" cast version...

Bye Darlings...May you have a very Merry Christmas...because we all need a little Christmas, right this very minute...

Santa Baby 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Anice) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 19:05:00 +0000

Hey friends out there in blogland...the Christmas rush has gotten to me and I've neglected feeding my brain with my writing...I've been using all of my creativity to decorate my house!

So yes, if you have read past blogs you will know I have not decorated for Christmas since my Mom died...but this year I did...and it felt really good...and I know she is glad I finally found my Christmas spirit again.

But then again, Christmas is not about trees, and lights, and packages...it's about the greatest gift of all...Jesus Christ.

But being the humans we are, and God knows this as He created us, we do tend to want things and yes, I have a Christmas list...

So here is what I would love to find under my tree this year:

College acceptances for Ke$ha Barbie...I need those more than anything

Scholarships and grants for Ke$ha Barbie...since she is looking at pricey art programs

A few more pounds gone off the old body...but hey, last year I was praying to be a 12 and this year I am an 8 so I'm not complaining

I want Oprah back on tv...just sayin

I want my son to get into the high school of his choice...after all, he is the Cutest Boy in the World...who wouldn't want him? I keep telling Ke$ha Barbie not to mess it up for him at her school since that is his first choice of where to go

I'd like to find the courage to have my tummy tuck...I'm getting there but I'm not there yet

Oh...and the TIME to have the tummy tuck

I'm gonna have to sell my house this summer so I'd like a really nice buyer who will take good care of this place that I love, and an easy transaction, and for me to find a nice little house that I can live in with The Cutest Boy in the World and his sister when she deigns to visit us.

And I wouldn't mind a nice male friend to spend time with...I don't need a serious love affair, but just someone to drink some wine with and go to the movies with...

I don't need a guy who will take me out to fancy places, I'd rather just cook dinner for us and watch "Modern Family" (no, I will not force a man to watch "Glee" or "Project Runway All Stars" with me but he would earn big time brownie points if he did).

On my "bucket list" for the guy:
Must have a JOB(!!!)...I don't think I need to explain that one
Must make me laugh (a lot)
Must like to workout or at least take care of himself and occasionally enjoy working out with me (he does not have to do spin class because I will "own" him on that...)
He can have kids (in fact, I'd like that because I love children and I'm better with other people's teenagers than I am my own)
I want him to like to have "guys night" because I need "girls night"
I want a guy who likes to hold my hand
And he damn sure better tell me I'm pretty (often...very often)
And that I smell good (yes, I am Tinkerbell---I need applause to live...so I need a man who compliments me)
A man who likes to eat healthy but will order fries so I can steal a few
He's gotta like red wine...because I'm not so much of a white wine girl
He can drink what he likes but he better know to always order me Stoli if I'm not drinking wine
I want a man who knows I like lilies and not roses...and will bring me lilies
I want a guy who will go to a museum with me...and I will go to a baseball game with him
I'd like a man who will come and watch my son play lacrosse...but he can avoid coming to wrestling meets because I would if I could
I'd like to meet a man who will eat sushi, Indian, Thai, and Ethiopian with me...and grill me a really good steak (very very rare...and I mean how my steak is done...not that it is rare to find a man who can grill a steak)
I'd like a man to go to the movie with who will order popcorn and let me eat a lot of it even though I tell him I won't...and let me put jalepenos on it...and won't ever make me watch anything in 3D or with Bruce Willis in it...

So yeah, it would be nice to find a male friend to spend some time with...like I said, I'm not looking for a husband...I'm looking for a FRIEND...and I don't need him tomorrow...it happens when it happens...

And no, I'm not going on Match.com anytime soon...or ever...so don't suggest it...

I'm not THAT ready to find someone...if it happens, it happens....

When I looked at my "Santa Baby" blog from last year I had to smile...cause Santa brought me most of it with a few exceptions...

I did get the "size 12" but NOW I'm an 8!!!!!
I did get the running shoes...but the orthopedic surgeon shut that down so now i just spin
I did get to wear the flirty skirts and I do it all the time...along with my dangerous heels!
I still have my Dimples to help me along...and he got me well under the 200 pounds I was asking for last year...

So here, again with apologies to Earth Kitt and whoever wrote the original version of this song is my version of "Santa Baby 2011 edition"

Santa baby, slip a new man under the tree, for me
I’m an awfully good catch
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, a guy who likes to enjoy some red wine would be fine
I’ll wait up for you dear
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Think of all the fun I’ve missed
I really want a friend and it be nice to be kissed
Next year I could be oh so good
If you’d check of my Christmas list

Santa honey, I want some things that cannot be bought
Not a lot
I’ve been an angel all year
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa cutie, there’s one thing I really do need, the deed
To my OWN little house
Santa cutie and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, fill my stocking with college accepts and checks
To pay for art school
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Come and trim my Christmas tree
With lots of colleges saying that they want Ke$ha Barbie
I really do believe in you
Let’s see if you believe in me
Boo doo bee doo

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing NO RING
I don’t need a new spouse
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry down the chimney tonight

Inspiration Song: "Santa Baby" as sung by Eartha Kitt...the original, the best...

Bye Darlings...I hope Santa brings you all the goodies on your list...Merry Christmas!!!!!

New York Groove

noreply@blogger.com (Anice) — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 18:00:00 +0000

So I took Ke$ha Barbie to New York City to look at a college...

Lemme tell you a little something about college visits and open houses...your child will be excited and happy and dreaming about all that lies ahead for them.

You, on the other hand, will spend the entire time panicked and worried about what lies ahead of them.

I would worry less about what lies ahead for her if we were looking at colleges in small "college towns"...not Boston or NYC. I would be much more relaxed about it if she was looking to be in College Station (home of my alma mater Texas A&M---whoop!) instead of a city of over 8 million people.

So we went up there to look at the Cooper Union School...more on that later.

The last time I went to NYC, Ke$ha Barbie and I were joined by her godmother SalGal and her godsister GreatKate and our friends LeeNe and her daughter Ariel (cause she looks like Ariel...not her real name). That was in 2008.

I weighed over 270 pounds and was woefully out of shape.

Just as in 2008, I decided that Ke$ha Barbie and I should stay at the New York Athletic Club since I can do that through my club membership.

I chose to stay there last time for price and location.

This time I chose to stay there not just for price and location----but so I could workout!

Far cry from last time when I literally dreaded every trip on the subway because it meant that I had to walk up the subway stairs. I would be out of breath for over 5 minutes. Too bad I didn't have my "ah ha!" moment then instead of 2 years later when I went up the steps at the school with my teacher friend.

This time we didn't have any last minute surprises (like a lost id and an unplanned trip to her father's house for her passport)...well, let me alter that a bit....we didn't have any LAST MINUTE surprises...but there was still some last minute rushing about and doing things because the night before we left Ke$ha Barbie had to turn in her application to the University of Texas (yes, that kills me as an Aggie but they have a very fine art school) and she had to get some artwork in.

But she got it done...even though she didn't get much sleep...I slept...after all, next year she is going to be pulling all-niters far far away from me so might as well get used to it now.

We headed to the airport and all was well. Ke$ha Barbie was even agreeable to hanging in the President's Club lounge and didn't ask for pizza at 10 am. I think it was because she was dead tired.

Hmmmmm....no, it's not a good plan to over-tire your child before a trip...that can backfire...but I did wonder for a moment if I might have a new parenting plan called "make Ke$ha Barbie stay up and only get 4 hours of sleep so she is agreeable".

The flight was easy....it was once we landed at LaGuardia that was where it got hard.

First...the landing...

I'm always terrified we are gonna end up in the river...and Captain Sully was not piloting our plane.

Then we go to baggage claim.

NO BAGS

(Insert various bad words here because that was what I was muttering to myself and texting to a friend who was checking on our progress)

I found the Continental/United (what the heck to we call that airline now?) baggage office and there they were...they were in there.

Seems my bags took an earlier flight.

I sure wish I had been given that option...

NYC gets dark early...by 5 pm the sky was dark and Manhattan was lit up before us----as we stood in the cab line---that was 200 plus people deep.

I spent more time in the cab line than we did at security.

Now that is sayin' something...

Once safely settled into a cab we got back into the New York groove.

We got to the NYCA, checked into our room and then it was time to head out to our happy place.

5th Avenue

Oh yeah...

The lights were gorgeous. Stupidly I didn't get any photos. And I love the window displays. Stupidly I didn't get any photos.

My favorite light display was Hermes. There were running lights on the outside of the building and the entire building is wrapped up in 2 belt buckles made entirely of lights. It is gorgeous!

We popped in a few shops but ultimately ended up at Saks 5th Avenue because it was always a favorite stop for us when we came to NYC with my mother.

Bingo

I found a really cute silk blouse and Ke$ha Barbie found some colored skinny jeans.

Then we wandered into the "formal dresses" area. We had decided it was a good time to go ahead and look for a prom dress so she could get something unique. I decided to take a look and see if there is something I could get to wear to the Bacchus Ball in New Orleans when I go with GOTT and GOTTESS for Mardi Gras.

Bingo

I started looking through the racks and pulled out a white goddess dress with some bling on it

Ke$ha Barbie shakes her head "no" and says: "um...I don't think you want to look like a bride".

She had a very good point..not in any way, shape, or form looking for a wedding dress...or a groom.

I pulled out a cheetah-print on shoulder chiffon gown.

Ke$ha Barbie shakes her head "no" and says: "um...I don't think you want to look like a "REAL HOUSEWIFE!"

She had a good point...I am not a Bravo TV star (but I do love to watch the trainwrecks that are those shows).

Then I pull out a navy Badgley Mishka halter necked va-va-voom gown. Very elegant. Very classy. Very beautiful. And I have always wanted to own a Badgley Mishka. And it was super duper big-time on sale...$150 less than my planned budget for the gown.

Ke$ha Barbie shakes her head "YESSSS!" and says "now THAT is the right dress...and that is the type of neckline that looks great on you."

So we decided I should try it on.

It was a size that intimidated me...but I took it to the dressing room anyway. I told the sales guy that there were going to be tears one way or the other...happy tears if it fit...sad tears if it didn't.

I put it on...had Ke$ha Barbie zip it up.

Tears...

Bingo

It fit...perfectly.

Well, sorta perfectly.

I need about 2 feet cut off the bottom.

But it will work...and even though I didn't have on Spanx it looked pretty damn good on me.

And my shoulders, thanks to Dimples, look fantastic in it. The draped halter neck is very flattering and it fits like a perfect navy glove.

Bingo

So once done at Saks we decided to head to our favorite deli...the Carnegie Deli. That way I could be sure that I could no longer fit perfectly in the gown...oh well...

Now if you have not been to a NYC deli I need to inform you that a sandwich is NOT a sandwich...it is a mile-high heap of meat.

We over-ordered.

We always do.

Too much food but at least we had a fridge to put the leftovers in. Corned beef and pastrami sandwich, onion rings, a potato pancake, some fried eggs (for Ke$ha Barbie), and cheesecake.

Bingo

We headed back to the hotel and settled in for the night.

I got up the next morning and was happy to get into the gym and work off the stress and food from the day before.

I found my drug of choice---a Kaiser spin bike. Put my iPod on "play" and spent 75 minutes riding off the corned beef and pastrami and onion rings and cheesecake. Then I lifted weights and headed back to our room.

Have a mentioned that we were staying in the EXACT SAME ROOM as we did in 2008.

yes...now THAT was funny...at least we never got lost in the hotel.

We had the Cooper Union school by 3 so we opted for a slice of pizza for lunch.

That undid all the good I did at the gym that day...oh well...

I taught Ke$ha Barbie how to catch a cab. A skill she will need if she goes to school there.

The cab ride took a bit but at least we got to see Times Square again and we drove down the street where the contestants stay for "Project Runway"....I kept looking to see if I could find "Mood" or Tim Gunn (from the show).

We arrive at the school. It is right by NYU. The school is primarily 2 buildings...one very old and one very modern. Google it...the architecture is amazing. 41 Cooper Union is one of the coolest buildings I have ever seen. It is a work of art.

No sooner had the cab driven away than Ke$ha Barbie discovered she left her purse and phone in the cab.

NOT Bingo

She had complained about carrying a purse on the way down from the hotel...I think she may have been right about that.

I took a chance and called her cell phone and the cabbie answered it.

Bingo

I had the one truly honest cabbie in NYC. Actually I think most of them would have answered but I was very grateful that this one did.

He came back to the school and brought us the purse.

I tipped him handsomely.

We went into the school and into the "Great Hall". The building we were in was called the Foundation Building and it has a rich history...Susan B. Anthony had her offices there and Lincoln spoke at the podium that the Dean of the school addressed us from.

Cool....

Since it was an open house Ke$ha Barbie was assigned a number and that was her "portfolio review" number. Since her number was 175 students in I knew it was going to take a while.

The admissions head went over the process and talked to us about the "home test". When you apply to the Cooper art school the most important element of their review process is your "home test" which is set of 6 "assignments" that tests the applicants creativity and expression. It is things like "self portrait" but they will give it a twist. It also must all fit into one certain sized FedEx box.

Ke$ha Barbie will nail it.

Bingo

But here is the kicker...

There is NO TUITION at Cooper.

BINGO

Buuuuuttt....you have to pay to live in NYC.

And your kid will live in NYC

hmmmmmm....still trying not to need Xanax for that (for me...and maybe her).

So since it is free, and since it is basically the "Yale" of schools offering a bachelor of fine arts degree for artists, a LOT of kids will apply.

They usually have over 1800 apply and they grade 1100+ home tests.

Now here is the other kicker...

60 will get in

yes, you read that right and I typed it right...60 out of 1800 will get in.

That's it...that's all...

just 60 kids.

Like I said...Yale for art school.

If she doesn't get in, it is a numbers thing...not that she isn't a good artist.

We toured the school and then it was time for her portfolio review.

That is where an instructor goes over your work and helps you to refine what you will turn in for your application submittal. Not the same as the home test. Just more of it...And they sort of hint as to whether your work is going to cut it or not.

All I will say about that is that Ke$ha Barbie came back with the biggest grin on her face and was beyond happy.

It was a good review...a very very good review.

We argued in the cab the entire way back to the hotel. Her because she is so very very excited but also a bit full of herself. Me because I am worried sick about turning my child loose in a city of over 8 million people.

We got to the hotel, calmed down, and went out for Indian food.

This is where it pays to be the overly-friendly lady from Houston.

The head waiter had relatives in Houston. He asked where I was from when he heard my accent. We had a little conversation about Houston. Next thing I know the most delicious samosas appear at the table compliments of the chef.

Bingo

Then we had saag paneer (spinach with cheese), chicken tikka masala (yummmy chicken cooked in a sauce) and lamb vindaloo (very very spicy lamb).

Bingo

and then we were served 2 desserts...again, compliments of the chef.

Bingo

very nice...

The next morning Ke$ha Barbie had to take SAT subject tests at a school about 10 minutes from the hotel. We decided she should go alone because she needs to learn to do this if she is going to live there.

She got there fine.

I lived in terror until I knew she was safe.

I worked out while she was testing and once she was back we headed out for a sushi lunch and a divine visit to MoMA (the Museum of Modern Art).

It is truly my happy place...except she and I argued our way through it.

I found peace among the Rothko painting and all the Jasper Johns and Donald Judd works.

Bingo

We continued arguing until we decided a little separation was in order...we each took a walk and then found ourselves back at the hotel and happy with each other again.

Then it was time for the BEST part of my trip.

I got to see Mr. Gorgeous!

Mr. Gorgeous is a childhood friend. We have known each other since we were 3 but have not seen each other for 30 years.

It was a joyful reunion.

I love Mr. Gorgeous...and yes, he is still prettier than me. His boyfriend is a lucky man and I am a lucky lady that he still loves me.

We walked to Hell's Kitchen but stopped along the way at his friend's fabulous (and I mean fab-u-lous) apartment to look at some trompe l'oeil work Mr. Gorgeous did in the apartment. He also told us about some work he did in his cousin Sandy's place.

His cousin Sandy is Sandy Duncan...the Broadway and tv star....I loved her when I was a child. She was such a pixie of a little thing...and she was perfect as Peter Pan and I loved her in "My One and Only".

So we walked down to Hell's Kitchen and lo and behold who do we run into on the street.

Sandy Duncan!!!!!!!!!!

Bingo

I was cool but inside I was jello and all I wanted to do was gush and tell her how much I admired her....but I didn't want to embarrass Mr. Gorgeous with being a silly hick so I took it in and now have the pleasure of saying that I met one of my idols.

She looks the same...and she still has that squeaky little funny voice. She's amazing...

We ended up at the most fabulous restaurant for dinner...

44 1/2...

I highly recommend it...New American cuisine...served by gorgeous boy waiters wearing pink t-shirts that have slightly suggestive words on the fronts and backs of their shirts...

"Whipped" in the front..."Beaten" on the back...stuff like that...

and yes, I bought a t-shirt...

and it is a beautiful restaurant...go there...

Mr. Gorgeous and I had a blast reliving our childhood and catching up with each other and Ke$ha Barbie loved him too...and we all loved our dinner...Mr. Gorgeous and I had a beautiful beet and goat cheese salad and the most perfect horseradish crusted salmon for our main dish. Ke$ha Barbie had an amazing salad and duck ravioli. We all split a molten chocolate cake for dessert.

It was heaven...but mostly because I was in the company of one of the finest men I know.

30 years makes no difference...I still love the hell out of him.

He is art director for the Wendy Williams show and is a singer and dancer. Like I said, his beautiful boyfriend is a lucky man. And I am lucky to have a friend in NYC who will help take care of Ke$ha Barbie and will act as surrogate uncle...and bail her out of jail...

The next morning we slept late and hurried to pack and rushed out to try and go to Serendipity 3....our favorite indulgance in NYC.

We were too late...the wait was too long....so we headed to Bloomingdales instead.

Bingo

Ke$ha Barbie found a fabulous prom dress (on sale!) and sone other things. I got a few dresses and one very hot red number (size medium thankyouverymuch) that some lucky man might get to take me out in....hot, lipstick red, ruched, draped, and one-shoulder...and not Real Housewives at all...classy and sexy.

I might not get to wear it until 2015 but what the heck...it fits now and by God it will then...and some handsome man better say "wow" when he sees me in it!

After Bloomies it was time to head to the airport so we took the subway (located in the basement of Bloomies) and I showed Ke$ha Barbie how to read a subway map.

Then came the moment of truth...the stairs up to the street.

I ran up them...and was not out of breath.

Bingo

I'm back in the New York groove...

Inspiration Song: "New York Groove" by Ace Frehley...yes, THAT Ace Frehley...of KISS...his solo attempt at a dance record. Not one to listen to but makes a great workout song.

Bye Darlings...find your groove...looks like Ke$ha Barbie might have found hers in NYC...I'll keep you posted....