Personally Speaking

2012-12-28T04:43:00.003-08:00

I was going to repost, but honestly I don't want to share this with everyone. You are very sweet on the surface, the place where you and I mostly interact. You must follow your core needs first, strip everything away till you are getting simply what you need and giving what you can in life then build on that and don't allow yourself the insanity of outside influence. You naturally will flourish with what you need and naturally sicken when you experience and do what you do not need. Learn, Grow, Adapt, Conquer.

She just needs the love of a great looking man that works hard and wants to pay her to be artistic all over the world. I'm sure he exists just to make her happy and that someday he will fall out of the sky and she will realize that her deepest needs are the greatest passion of another individual. Keep the path, be true to yourself and settle for nothing less than you believe expresses and supports what you are and what you desire to be. Anything less and the world around you will punish you, it will be cruel and it will lash out at you for your sin against yourself. Fighting against what you in truth need always leads to severe reality embroilment and upheaval of all of what you would consider 'every day stuff.' Take heed, turn away from Armageddon and walk the path of light.

A close friend

2012-10-01T20:37:00.001-07:00

I look in on your life and from my distant perception

You seem to have very little money coming in that is not going out.

I assume these books you are pushing talk about attaining and amassing wealth of some form.

You certainly have lots of things, but do you have the financial ability you are so keen on suggesting others strive for?

Show me my assumptions are false if you will, I am worried about you and your family. Not like you are a sinking ship, just that I expect these financial wisdom would bring more to you than I see when I visit you.

You are certainly you, sweet and wild. I love you and I want you to be wealthy, I want to see you doing good with everything that you have.

I don't feel that you are, and I don't know how to tell you this without being what I feel to be rude I suppose.

Take a vacation. Come out of the worm hole and sit placid for a few days. Be alone if you can. Be silent if you can. What else can I suggest? Give a week to nothing but your two kids and your wife. Remove all other people from you and your life for 90% of the day.

I need you to do whatever you do to snap yourself into an irregular state of mind that is based on large long term planning, retrospective and introspective rumination...

you are the man, but what does that mean?

If I am wrong then I am wrong, but I can't keep myself from sharing this with you here in this cold and soundless void. It isn't the best way to convey this. I suppose I might cry if I did it in person

You would certainly have so many opportunities to interrupt me and I couldn't fixate .

I am proud of all that you do for others, I think you should do more for yourself and for your family and property.

2012-10-01T18:56:00.000-07:00

Are you getting rich? You have an aging house and ugly dying cars in your front yard. You don't look like you are progressing to me. You have a BUNCH of glass in the back yard. How's that working out for you? I want to imagine you are saving up all your money and not spending it more than making it but it just doesn't look to be true.

I am worried about the future of you and your family. You have been preaching about making money for a long time, I figured you would be earning up over 8k a month above your bills and such. I assumed you would have no problem fixing your car that needs a new engine. It's a grand. This is not a large amount of money gone to waste, that car is very new and very nice looking. It is old enough that it is easy to work on but new enough to still be stylish...

2012-08-19T21:07:00.001-07:00

I got some feedback from my whiteboard question pertaining to you not paying bills. If you want to talk to me, I intend on understanding both sides. I think they call the shit mediation. I hope you noticed I stopped going on about you getting work or whatever. I know that you know it is one of those things we both hate doing. Many things in my day I hate doing but to not do them would be to take down all that I have created and fall into the hands of those around me. It isn't chaos, it feels half assed when I live under someone else's guidance... I think you know what I mean.

It has always given me great pleasure to provide a comfortable and lawful environment for others, whoever they may be. To think of my home as a beautiful refuge for those who are willing to contribute and be positive, filling the space with vitality. Many times this is not the case but that is the burden of making the effort while still doing all the other things I have come to find as my responsibility.

I AM SO HAPPY YOU HAVE YOUR KID, see god may not have granted you smooth transition with the wife but I doubt the powers above would lay my child into this home as long as I would desire. These offspring drag us into slavery to the dollar and a million other organized systems. I assume the only way out is through, because the alternative leaves behind a consuming fire of betrayal and disappointment.

Anyhow, I'm here to share and listen and do whatever I can to work through this and breed an environment of tolerance if you naturally continue to freeload here off of us all ever so slightly. I mean that seriously, to me you aren't much of a burden financially and I feel if I wanted I could get a much more fruitful friendship staged.

Lets call it on hold. Seems this living together has created some kind of friction we need to work through. Look at me ramble on.. With no spaces for paragraphs, what a huge pile of shit you have been reading, let me go back and tidy this up....

Little better. Anyhow the boys are mentioning you should share some of the bills. That comes to less than 200 dollars a month. Your piece of rent Allie already covers I believe/assume/whatever so I suppose the other 200 she could cover to placate the boys.

you know why I don't complain. I like having someone that frequents the house while I work. I suppose Sean and Ellie do that as well, and somehow make some money. God knows if I didn't work for my father my dumb ass would probably be just as lost as you. I have been several times in my life.

So fuck it. I keep going to work far from here doing something mundane for double minimum wage because nowhere else pays me that up front every week and you have the joy of full time fatherhood for a moment or longer.

Whatever happens I know that you and I are good. You know whatever you ask of me I will do what I can and you will do the same. We love each other and we want the best for each other.

If you need to talk to someone, go somewhere, do something and I can help you know it, just like I know I can get that from you so let me ask:

How the fuck do I start transitioning from this job I am in to being a paid sober man for these production guys you know? Work on that for me, get me off the day train and into electronic wilds while maintaining my sobriety and other responsibilities and I will be forever grateful <3

I hardly see you. Sorry about that. Not really you or me, it is life and mine is so full. Socializing right now just does not feel like my thing... Dunno what the fuck is up yet, waiting and trying to act natural i suppose

2012-08-19T10:26:00.001-07:00

sorry I haven't been around. You two haven't been much harm to my life, it's my job. Killing me last week. Also staying in town when I can come home to my woman is difficult. I want to marry her, so I would like to talk to you and Rusty about how you went about it, how it has been, and if signing some legal paper is worth it in any way or if being together is enough. I hope things have been well for you two. Still a little mad at Rus for not coming to work with me those two days. I made money and it was ok, but I really want to spend time with him earning money, not just bullshitting around his grill. I don't know many gentlemen right now, not ones I feel are worth working hard with and sharing the heavy load of this world, but Rusty is one of those men. I never imagined he would grow up and stop being a shit. He was a real shit at first, I suppose we all were. I am proud to know all 3 boys, and I think you and your boy are very sweet. I'm writing you because I haven't, I'm writing you because I am sorry for being a bit of a troublemaker. We all have problems, mine might as well be my mouth. --------- Also I love to write. They call it a gift but I am too lazy to share it with everyone in a more constructive way than this. Be well. I will see you again, and your family

2012-05-28T17:47:00.002-07:00

After typing this wall of text I wanted to add to the top a standard
disclaimer. I am a long winded guy with too much to say. I don't want
to be a bother at all so this entire email can be summed up in a
paragraph.

I just realized renting of this house obligates me to make sure you
get ~1800/mo. When the 1st comes around and Vanessa has the money
chances are still high that I will print this lease and sign it, and
get that 1200 F/L/D on it's way to you. I am surprised by the total
price of rent but understand why when I think about everything that
this house gives a tenant. I would like for you to help me believe
that by moving into this home I am going to continue saving money
towards getting a place of my own much smaller and more affordable
than your beautiful home, not giving you more than I had intended in
cash overall, but hopefully helping you make this place worth even
more money for when I hope that you can eventually sell it and make a
sizable profit

What is your plan with this house? Are you ever going to develop the
back yard? When do you plan to clean the carpets? I have my part of
rent ready to go, Vanessa gets a lump sum on the first but will not
move in till halfway through the month. Once I affirm that my previous
arrangement with Allie is still solid [~400/mo + a share of util
internet etc] I will go ahead with my plan to move in.

TL:DR
I am a lazy man when it comes to these things, and very easy going. I
just want to be honest with you about my trust issues with other
people. I see Allie as a rare individual that I am 100% copacetic
with, she will always pay her bills and be polite. My girlfriend will
do the same, but who knows what these other individuals might do? So
far every time I have visited the house has maintained the beautiful
well groomed look I have come to expect, I hope that continues but I
can't kick the voice in the back of my head that says there is a
serious risk here.

The contract binds me to a $20,600 debt. I recognize that your risks
are far higher than mine and that renters have more protection/rights
than they should ever have, I just wish there were two more fantastic
roommates lined up to sign your lease.

How do we handle new tenants? How do I keep myself from paying more
than I verbally agreed to pay in the first place without rushing in
whoever we can find? I would be willing to sign a longer contract if
my payments were set below five hundred dollars. I would like this to
be my last rental. I want to buy a house within the next five years
and I am already kicking most of my extra money into a savings
account. If those rooms go empty it will eat up my savings and have me
looking for a second job.

400 x 12 is only 4,800 Travis, we can go ahead and add 100 to that,
make it 6 grand and that sounds like a much safer investment for room
and board. I have to have a serious talk with my girlfriend and with
Allie before I leap into something more than three times the original
projected amount.

Can you do anything to make me feel better about moving in?

And let me just ramble on here, awesome place! I do not at all like
the back yard but the deck is fantastic and 3 1/2 bathrooms a luxury.
No one seems to utilize that front entryway well at all, when you come
in the door it is just strange. I often feel like this generation is
moving into homes structured for an entirely different type of
culture. We live in our rooms, Vanessa and I, and spend most of our
time on computers. Sure we like to go outside and hike and dance and
travel but when we are working normal all week we just come home and
maintain. We don't spend time in the living room and hardly ever eat
as a family because we do not have a big family. This house suits a
man, woman and three children all through school and college. The only
thing it lacks is a fence and more parking. You assume the kids are
moving out some day, because there are only 2 spaces in the garage.

None of the bedrooms upstairs have decks! WTF MAN? Who comes up with
these house models?

Travis I want a deck for the master bedroom. Boy do I know a bunch of
fantastic carpenters. How are you financially? I would love to be a
part of making your investment worth more. I happen to be related to a
small local corporation. The Roof Doctor. It would break my heart if
you had some other guys roof this house or even fix roofing problems.
I have been at it my whole life, please don't hesitate to ask me to
fix problems in this field, please let me look your roof over when I
move in and for the love of all that is holy to you please do not ever
ever ever pressure wash it.

Terrible for roofs, cuts 3 years off of a 15 year product.

2012-03-07T22:00:00.001-08:00

once you know you can never forget. You can spend your life working with the change you want to see in the world or you can watch. There is a middle ground, you can do something but not everything, you can do nothing but then again that is also impossible. You must remember that you will do what you are supposed to do when you are supposed to do it. Everything is happening as it should and you, with the world and this moment are unfolding all as an experience of itself for itself.

"It will all be ok" is no longer true in my own perception. What is true is that It will All Be. Right and wrong, pleasure, suffering, It happens to everything, every being, every day we see animals plants, the planet die, there is so much overindulgence to end BUT it has gone on for so long, so many people believe it is alright and the problem is that our very nature and overall will is that of the great plan. What if this is all a part of the planets evolution and all of what we are doing is just what planets do and no matter how much we talk about it it is going to push us to do what we are biologically destined to do?

What are you destined to do? Listen to your heart and your body, do what you know you were meant to do and be who you were meant to be.

If you leave this place, you will find the same thing some other place, maybe different people and different events, different "better" culture but your purpose, the vibration you emanate and the patterns you propagate will continue to form in the same way, who you are carries with you and will saturate any environment you inhabit and the only way to change the reality that forms around you, is by changing your mental emotional patterns within you.

<3 Namaste.

2012-02-11T07:03:00.001-08:00

I'll keep treating you like a good friend cause you are, not because I am obligated to. Sometimes I seem to make you really really mad and it bums me out. Can't keep telling yourself I intentionally ruined your friendship with nessa. We go out of our way to avoid you two meeting up, but in about 6 months that will be impossible to avoid. I really think you have this need to see me as a criminal, a demon [odd that you are so polite in person but seem to secretly dispise and hate me] because if you recognized that over the time we have been seperate i did everything I could be inwardly correct the male driven selfish personality flaws within myself that kept us seperate, then you would see that a woman you know told you to stay away from me now desperately wants to stay around me. She simply did not know or understand how I would treat her. She was under the false impression that the man I was was the man you explained me to be by my actions, by my interactions with you which is simply not a valid way to view me. Not anymore as we both have changed.

My core is the same, I can't do any better by you and that is the truth. I failed to please you, as all of life seems in my eyes to fail to please you, except our child which fails to please no one. She is boss. We made that together and I am very proud of that and our relationship surrounding her. I will always love you Jade, because you are such a caring and lawful individual. I would kill for you and I would die for our child.

grandmother

2011-12-30T09:33:00.001-08:00

its a movie worth buying. I am indifferent to name calling preference <3

Stealing is not in my nature. I simply do not believe that information should be purchased. Entertainment should be purchased but information is free. Movies are a different deal. I steal movies because there is no respectably strong theater. 40 dollars to go to the theater and eat [lame] and for real

for real. I buy all my leisure books =) Hunger games, awesome.

Most of my music I also do not buy. Just like movies I could but I do not. Often I do not listen to the music more than a few times. Movies as well. I usually feel empty. Some movies could be worth paying for. Most things are worth paying for but then I counter saying

"I work out in the rain, hard, painful work. I make less than 3k a month. Why should actors, who in my opinion do not work hard, filled with pain, make SO MUCH MORE MONEY than I do?"

Not a rational fight here at this time in society.
Actors, sports affiliates/players, movie stars all seem to earn incredible amounts of money for doing very little work and supporting a system of propaganda that ignores real world problems and diverts attention to loops of garbage that helps us forget we are destroying each other and this planet with a copacetic ignorance that makes me sick

I can rant forever. So many silly things abound.

We need to stop killing eachother. We need to stop focus crops based on addictions like chocolate nicotine cocain heroin etc. Small amounts are good, we need more food. We need every man and woman driven to improve the planet

Will never happen. I am surrounded by school children pretending to be adults. All violence is childish and beneath ME. I would love to see all farmers go hydroponic. I would love to see city's go underground instead of suffocating the surface. I would love to see massive Ocean driven power plants replace nuclear/coal/oil/river power generation. There are so many prudent responsible actions that we as a species ignore that I try my best to forget and just go back to work.

How can I wake up and sway an entire planet of brainwashed drama addicted monkeys pretending to be civilized cultivated Jones's?

I can't.

Harumpf.

On the small scale I am in love. I have strong income and low bills. I have growing savings and a full checking account. I have so many loving supportive friends and family. I have so many things to be thankful for! I eat well work well sleep well.

Life is good in the small view. Better than ever!

It is good to share.

so much to say, too tired to go on

2011-12-01T22:16:00.001-08:00

HI. I'm paranoid. I always have been. From the beginning I placed value upon you that maybe no one else would. I was worried you would leave. I was worried you would fuck my friends and or fuck your friends. Why wouldn't you? You could. Getting away with it, not being discovered didn't play into it because I was fanatically addicted to what you gave to me. The support was unparralel. Fantastic.

It's all gone and with all that I have learned and experienced some things still come floating up.

You said you just now found the balls to ask for the money I have been avoiding giving you. I tell you that I didn't know, did not realize I wasn't paying my share. I am paranoid that you don't believe that. You can't believe that because you were thinking all those months that I did know, that I was laughing about it, loving all that extra money I was getting without sharing it with you and our beautiful child when you both needed it most.

I have this terrible image in my mind imagining this terrible monster you seem to say that I am. You said that I was. You said it a few times from what Vanessa mentioned to me as you raged against her falling in love with me. Like it was impossible, like I am some sort of feind incapable of being kind or loving.

You are missing a vital key element: I am not the same man that I was with you. I am not the same man that I was with you and me and Toby. I can not be, will not be that man ever again. You broke me so good, you made me wake up and realize the monster that I had become and most if not all the things that ruined our relationship I discarded.

I discarded those things for us. For you and I and Mara and never really made it back to you all the way. I never understood you or treated you right and you did the same for me. Failing to understand me, failing to see me.

So now an ugly picture of you emerges. A cold hearted bitch that talks shit about me while I am taking actions against your will. Trying to steer me and when I fail to heel you rage and make a fuss where I cannot hear or see and let it smolder.

I don't want to believe it, but I am paranoid. I wonder if you hate me, really think that I might hate you, that I enjoy seeing you in pain. That I am like my father in so many ways, that I am so many things that I said I was not.

Now from your new vantage point you can see me for this animal I am. These things you have said over time and they all add up to the way you treat me in person, to the way Richie treats me in your home and I don't give a fuck about how polite it seems to be if it is all a shame.

It disgusts me to think that you cannot be open with me about the way you feel, that your secret emotions, your secret perception of me is so important that you hide it, that you do not verbally attack me for fear that I will respond and do my best to rip it apart and then as I leave feeling justified you pick up the pieces of bullshit you have assembled about me and claim they are all still true and that somehow I used my vast power over words and the situation to manipulate you for a short time into agreeing that I am correct and you are wrong about me.

Oh I think evil thoughts. I have plans to take the Jeep, take the baby, take everything I can from you like some sick fuck. Just as I have dreams of us happy together wherever whatever. I have plans to be at your wedding with Richie or whoever you find

But you see fantasy and reality are different.

I don't take the Jeep because of honor. I wont take your child or do you any harm because it is against my code of conduct. Fuck the consequences reality sets and the rules set down by the government. I don't give a fuck about any of that compared to my own moral structure.

Damien

2011-11-22T19:22:00.001-08:00

I come accross only fragments of my memories with him. He was at first a man that was close enough to me that I did not faulter, I did not hesitate to let him close enough to put soap in my mouth, a lesson for speaking too loose that I never understood, not till my lips were sealed shut by many more instances and punishments tho more silent less abrupt less blatant and forward. Less agressive and loving. I would say that he loved me, I would say many of them loved me as much as they tolerated me in my way for being as odd as I was. I will never know. I only have my memories and they are clouded with my own imagination. What is not imagined is the last time that I saw him and the awkward way that I made everyone feel. They hardly worked, tho we took enough sillypsybin to work for us all and it was overly dissapointed and in such an odd space with his mother there in the home if I remember and we all just wandered around and didn't do anything productive. So many trips ended up that way. I would love to take him somewhere and drop some of this LSD. That would show him. That took me to another world where only the forehead of my lover was there and the white light I can never remember properly only the intricate web of things that surrounded me all the rainbow thoughts winding together and singing to me

Enemys again?

2011-11-22T07:55:00.001-08:00

I will never try to take Mara from you, I will never tell her you are bad or wrong. I will never tell her I know better than you [because I do not] I will never tell her to leave you and be with me. I will never lie about my financial status to keep Mara from getting what she needs.

I am secure in my home and work life. I maintain the same phone number and my location is always going to be available to you. Please do not worry about any foul intent.

If you have any other fears or concerns please voice them. Do not hide from me, do not decide that I am plotting and do not plot against me. I would always rather not be your enemy.

Take time with this. Close the gap that has come between us. Work through the troubles that have come to pass. I mean you no harm. If you cannot see that, I cannot convince you alone, you must be willing to understand and see it to be true.

Your house is very nice, your boyfriend is very sweet and polite, Mara has her own room and tons of toys there. I hope you can find some way for her to make friends in that neighborhood. She needs more friends her age!

She is so polite and most times she knows what she needs and tells me when she needs it. You two are doing a great job in my opinion. Thank you for getting to where you are. I hope it works out there. If I can ever help my home is available to you and Mara. I doubt it will come to that. You handle shit very well.

Be well and don't be a fucking stranger man

LIFE

2011-11-09T17:57:00.000-08:00

My truck was a total mess. With winter hours and job rates setting in there are 3 major things I need to start doing:

1. File for unemployment
2. Keep the shop clean
3. Seek Cash employment opportunities

This means cleaning out the gutters at my parents, grilling everyone for anything I can do to help out and get paid, luckily there is a vast system in place.

The hardest is unemployment. I just have trouble with the questions... Luckliy I have a friend on unemployment that can help me out with it.

The rest of my life is pretty fantastic.

I finally made public my union with this woman. She really had altered everything for me. Mainly I never blog anymore. I seldom do so many things that would take my time up because now she takes up that time. After this Spring she should arrive and my hobbies will be more interactive. This is a small project for her. Adobe Photoshop tutorials shall maybe ensue as future projects that I am learning on here but IDK hard to get motivated.

I am fighting a horribly long winded cold virus at this time and it makes me rage. Videogames also make me rage. I play so many different champions on League of Legends and it just is not that much fun

I could be anythinging else and be more productive. Not all that important but it would be nice to generate some more income.

Saving has started. I wonder what the difference is between Key and Sterling savings. Chase and American Express, Wells fargo and GE Visa Mastercard all these money lending corporations and there is no clear leader. All have different pros and cons but what are they? is there a comprehensive guide out there somewhere?

waste of time to send this

2011-09-24T07:44:00.001-07:00

whats fun is knowin you were on fb but didn't reply. I guess I understand as little about you as you do about me. Did it feel good to throw those words at me? Your anger gives me some sadness, anxiety, but I feel no guilt. I have been active and respectfully communicating with Vanessa over these six years. We kept from knowing eachother directly because we were dating our best friends which is no longer the case. You and Vanessa were not a couple, she did not cheat on you. SHE EVEN SAID SHE WAS COMING TO WASHINGTON and you didn't know she was coming to see me? I can believe we couldn't tell you after your reaction, The idea was to tell you slowly, we had spoken miles online, but once we spent time together in person, which we had never done ever before once, we knew that there was something tangible there. Your feelings? You are WITH RICHIE, you have someone, I didn't, and now I do and it is life changing! Your best friends [boy its a shame you don't see this] are so alike that they fell in love. I don't threaten Richie any longer as a desperate ex boyfriend, Vanessa isn't with a Debbie Downer. LIFE IS GOOD. We are happy and able and thankful. All my greatest joys have come from knowing you. AGAIN Anytime you want to be a part of our lives its cool. Doesn't change anything, we had a rushed 2 week period of time where a lot of bad things happen and when Vanessa needed your support breakin up with Bran you were SO BUSY thinking of your feelings that you dropped HER. YOU dropped YOUR best friend because of things a NOT best friend TOLD YOU. I hear you haven't even tried to talk it out with her.

Fucking be a man, face her and talk to her. She regrets the rush of our relationship, thus having to hide it but I can certainly take the blame for that. She was in pain and I knew I could help. The more we spoke the more I felt like I could lift her up. It's not really about me, its about Vanessa. She's impulsive sometimes. She makes mistakes. She is encourage able but she means well. Did what had to be done at the time there was no other choice.

She really loves me, says I am nothing like she pictured and I agree. My image of her was a little different. I am still not sure how PAST NOT TELLING YOU this will have any negative effect upon your life Jade.

Only positive points.

i remember too much

2011-09-21T22:09:00.000-07:00

I have these things in my brain so deeply engrained and I might be able to kill them but never will, I will never need to they are safe there I know it is true and I do not believe anything can rip out what I have here in front of me. Drives me close but not quite to tears and I am so deeply shamed by these deep dark feelings that I still hold, can forever hold in this long worn wrinkle within my brain. The truth is there and I see it and tread over old words and old thinking knowing full well that it is a lie, that only the truth is the repetitive motions that lead to nothingness that have led you to silence and me to sadness at the fact that maybe it is all too real for you.

I know I am a fireball and I see the sickness in you, the cold dead places where everything has fallen away that you had given over to me to keep warm. These things can grow again but you have saved them for me, they will never again be for me but I see that they still have my same name written on them each very clearly.

You cannot let go, how can you let go? But you should let go because I am never ever coming back for you again. No matter what words I say they are lies. No matter what phantom gestures and pantomime gifts I may send they are just words. You deserve more potent experience, you need to feed off of some heavy passion and intensity within your grasp, which I can never be, I never will.

You cut me, you let me die in front of you, behind you as I held you. You held your words, your explanations, your logic back from me and left yourself out in the cold for whatever foolish reason.

Too late, I hate hate hate to say too late but it was the moment that letter was sent, you died, I gave everything you had in me, everything cold and dying to another woman.

She did not use it well, not as well as you did when you had your hands upon me, when I was all in front of you. But she was better to me when I was away, she was fierce and protective, open and honest and even now I love her and do not regret taking those things from you, I have taken them from others now too, tho only two. So now a fourth comes. Of all these things I have had.

This is the one and she outshines you. She has all the time in the world to walk into traps and snares you have laid in my unconscious but when she falls I will pick her up and heal her. I will cut away the pain you laid in wait and I will show her my loyalty for you is now hers for all time

Fuck you

You get words. Be thankful I have even those for you.

If you had tried to connect, if you had a bit of fight in you to help mend what you crushed in that girl years ago, there would be some chance, some hope at friendship but I know now by my emotional chaos, by this deep feeling of betrayal still fresh after so many years that it is all you can ever be to me at the core of you and I. You are my deepest betrayer. The largest most beautiful lie.

The deepest cut, the largest hook I ever discarded
And I will be better for it
Better without you
With her.

The rollercoaster of love.

2011-09-21T05:53:00.001-07:00

It can be brutal. Might be better if we bred for genetic superiority and left love at the door, but that could never be. Love is about getting along, something two people seldom can do for any long period of time any more. I wish I could look around and see thousands of people happily married but it just isn't true. Of course I pass them in their homes every day on my way to work, but I do not know them, I don't have that affirmation of reality that there is a way. Somewhere along the way that great wisdom that allows a 50 year marriage to exist was lost. It is possible, does it really have that much to do with others? Or does it have more to do with myself, with yourself, with self work and the ability to accept and tolerate and grow with another? To not settle for less than you deserve, to not fall into this thing called love at every chance, but only slow and sure, with due care and caution, fully aware of the rewards and consequences before you..

Lost Toby..

2011-09-15T06:08:00.001-07:00

I suppose it could never be long enough. Can't be happy for us if you aren't her friend, and if the enemy of my friend is my enemy..
I understand the underlying social stigma, I get the broken taboo. I simply disagree at this point
I get the knife and cut out the things that take from me, even less, take themselves away from me, for knowing this giver.

It's not a perfect world. Not my perfect world. That is where Jade and you both can be pleased that even if relationships between us 4 did not succeed, hope can arise.
Maybe too many bad feelings. Burn burned bridges for you and her. Maybe for both Jade and I.

"Get rid of Lord John and there will be consequences...."

Anyhow, we are lost, you and I. We were lost long ago when Matt came to me and said you were out. It crushed me, I couldn't bring myself to defend you, I was falling apart
grasping, lightly clutching at a very small and weak space and there was your presence but no financial ability to be had.

I couldn't push you away myself, what is that? Makes me sick. A sickness in me that clings to sickness in you.
I don't know you as well as I would like, never did, always had a pretty clear picture. Made it strong and sharp, reactive and potent.

How you see yourself, the world, all this.. I dunno man.
Is this really a bad thing for me?
Aren't you only losing a viable source of support love and entertainment?

Maybe for you it is worth it to cut me out.

Angel

2011-09-02T05:34:00.001-07:00

This is my art, this is my deepest passion, and you are the muse and focus
of that passion

most wonderfully irritating man I have ever met

2011-08-30T21:04:00.001-07:00

you make me feel small. I like that =) Very rare talent. You seem
terse and wise. I hope you feel this way interacting with me. People
[jerks] treating you immature, like a child when you are in my eyes a
woman grown and sometimes quite brilliant.

I don't however, feel you are doing so well. Doing well retains and
multiplies those little pieces of money. Empowered and mobile you are
solid and standing strong even when alone. Holding a job, maintaining
health and good running vehicle, you do as you please.

That in my mind is you doing well.
Hate seeing you in chains myself. 'Grounded' so to speak.

Back to being irritated with me =) hope not. Just giving you my perspective.
Whatever you are doing, I assume you are doing it wrong

On the other hand. It is not easy to acquire a job and so many things
are out there to drag away your dollars.
Maybe you hear this song and dance from someone else
Reminders to you with your reply shouting "i know this already"

Maybe.
Maybe not.

I'll try again sometime to see you. Rare that I make it so far north.
I feel lost up there, but I know time and exploration will yield many
places of interest.
Problem is people, I don't make new friends, thus the emptiness of
being surrounded by individuals swallows the experience, without
someone to share it with I suppose the value for me is greatly
diminished. I'll have to work on that, do you have any ideas?

Beautiful good luck to you this week. Your voice, even tense as it was
and hurried was music to my ears.

Night

Jumble

2011-08-30T18:19:00.000-07:00

So many things unsaid!

First is easy: Get over yourself and your little world of venom and disconnected failures. I DID EVERYTHING I POSSIBLY COULD and it was never enough and I never felt like it was worth it, always took your failures as my own. Took your pain and awkward garbage and stored it up in my own mind creating a sweet little paranoia and neurosis. I would like to think so many things were impossible but one lie sprouted a thousand doubts. And you tell me NOW that things are supposed to be different? NOW you are cold you heartless disembodied bitch?

We are from different worlds. We always were but now I remove a true stone from your foundation. Something you did not believe [nor myself honestly] could be taken from you and I say now: THE BEST THINGS IN ME are gone from you and given to that stone. I shall take all my hope and cast it upon my own shoulders and carry it without fear that the next woman will drag it through the subjective shit.

Fuck it I have been over this, all I have is a cold sense of understanding, all I have is a deep seeded resentment for your lack of understanding. Nothing can break down what I have just created. It will stand forever and all tests to come.

-----

I look back and I see you through a thick fog. My attention was so inward, so 'cool' so reactive and rebellion based. I was a demon and my smile was so sharp. You fell in the way they all do, talking of magic and the darkness. Speaking of powers beyond what we can see and know. Spoke of things I had read much of, spoke of things I wanted more of.

I took you and used you up, I found everything you could teach and dropped you the moment I found you lacking any more substance for me to consume and re express through my own hot bright stream of light.

What a rascal. I did not bruise you so badly that you wouldn't bow down to me, I could take my hand and softly lower you to the floor at my feet in a state of bliss and devotion. Ah the demon smiles to know my shadow hand reaches out into those hearts I so easily forgot and discarded, it laughs and remembers that after all bridges I can see are burned, there are many more waiting for my cry to emerge from the depths of my past.

Long have my arms become. My grip so strong even so long ago...

----

Oh dear, the feeling creeps up that I should make my way all the way there and take another taste to embolden your sense of self and lift you up. You were so much to me, through all the evil I felt, I can admit and accept it all as failure on your own part to properly deal with these situations.

This is also the reason I will not, I will never cross lines with you again. Yes you are craved yes you are beautiful and worth a moments pain that will certainly again pass but no I will not risk total failure, submission to a false statue too frozen to be broken free.

I have lost all faith in you, but in truth I will never express that notion to you.

Lie lie lie

I have become so capable of telling them what they need to hear, forming reality around them through my vision. It is not what I see but what they need to see to take the next step towards where they are going and who they are going to become, in whatever way I have become a seer, a shaman and a dealer of magical conjurations

They come with an unspoken price, lessons will be learned and everyone including myself gets what they deserve

Aquisition

2011-08-15T05:56:00.000-07:00

Think of how our best friend built you up, think of how this was never supposed to occur, how I have been for all this time off limits.. Now maybe YOU have not had raving fantasy about the 3 of us but I have. It is impossible. The woman is full of issues, I had assumed you were just as mentally busted as she, I assumed many things to keep my mind clear of showing intent or desire past the point of shallow male i-want-to-fuck-everything-that-moves.

but then there were those moments when we spoke. You were given a vast and powerful concept in my mind. You were given the role of Magus, sexual temptress, master of the house from the first moment that I knew you.

Your boyfriend just made the shit worse, he explained some things that I could not wait to experience from our best friend... The moment I realized those secrets of the bed had no place in our best friend I was crushed. My focus of course shifted, and she has become highly talented tho, too impatient, too hard and rushed for my truest and most enjoyable form of sexual intimacy. A good experience takes more time than it should. foreplay is easy to start skipping after sex each and every day like a ritual. Once every week? Maybe best. I'd love to say it is enough, a body always comes to want more, gets tired of routine, gets tired of the same old conversations or actions.

But wait, how can that be true if we write so much? What drives this? There are dangers, but it really is all from false or grand expectations

So what do we expect? Lets be plain: I have been without a woman for too long. I don't believe in long term relationships anymore, but every time I get close to a woman there is that mad hope. It must be biological.

And honestly, I have really loved you for years now. Our 'relationship' has grown for a very long time in some ways, in enough ways to give you access to parts of me that are hidden to 90% of the world. I am a very hard individual to crack. I relentlessly attack but seldom give pause or try to be open or available.

Selfish and aggressive, I put up my largest wall with ignorance. I blindly seek what I want ignoring the wants of others. But I am paying close attention to you.

I want little bits given, but I want to give you what you have been missing. If by chance I fail to do so it will shock me, make me feel small, but I am always ready to feel the pain, to risk it for the elation of mastering a new body, a new channel through which I can worship the mother Earth and be humbled and thankful beneath her.

Take your time. I think I outlined my ability to be there, anytime if you just ask. I can come, give and then be gone or stay depending on where you meet me. I can find a place if you do not have a place, my financial situation will allow some very nice views if it please you.

I must tell you that beyond what I have heard, I was looking at you every moment that I could, I was fond of your style of dress, your sweet manner and your soft steps. The empathy you speak of was very plain and is a very passionate thing to touch. The most important thing is reverence and slow progression. I'll spend my first hour just touching you, haha in fact I hope it doesn't throw you off but the next time I see you, an embrace and a smell of you will be very desired. I base so much on the way a woman smells, not your perfume, but your sweat, ah but taste is important as well I suppose.

But style? look? nah. When you shiver at my touch, my whole skin will fill with goosebumps and my body will light on fire. The chakras will all fire and my crown will open. I feel very magical honoring the female body, it is the true purpose of our bodies, to make copies.

Take your time, but please know that I am deeply afraid of breaching this final wall. I ask for it, I beg and plead and pander. I say "is it time yet????" but oh my god is it scary. You aren't some random woman, you never have been anything less than the highest form of open love I have known in my life. When our clothes fall to the ground and my hands take that first step towards your belly I'll be giving you my heart and you will know the power a woman can have over me. I can be very dominant. I am at most times, but I will bend endlessly for a mate.

We should. I need the intensity, I need to see and remember what I am capable of, but please do not think that it will change things so much that you will need to run.

If you run it would be a typical experience for me and I will crave answers. I will ask in so many ways "who am i?" what is wrong with me"

LOL its great too, because if you think as I, you might say "its not you, you are beautiful, I love everything about you... I just can't be who you need me to be and you deserve so much more than this"

meh. I gotta go.

-sigh-

2011-08-11T19:22:00.001-07:00

that woman wasn't in my bed at first... she moved closer over a few moments. I'd say 2 minutes. It was what I wanted but I wouldn't say it. I wouldn't speak the words and relieve/elation washed over me as she slid under my blanket. Not really lust, I didn't try to push her head to my cock or anything. It was enough that I was that close.

The closer I get the more reverent and thankful I become. The more I cherish what is before me. The more I wonder how the fuck I am so close, staring into their eyes, holding them and being held. How incredibly sweet and unreal it is.

This Amelia [the lesbian] was a moment so unexpected. I went up there for my first real vacation. She let me sleep in bed with her, tho she said on the phone i would have to sleep with Mara on a couch lol. When I finally put my hands on her it was incredible. She's a very honest and pure person, she became very vounerable over the stay and I could tell she was falling in love. I know when I left and the fog cleared from her mind she felt she had given too much. That she was hell bent on shutting herself back up. I took so much of her moral code and bent it. I took her will and stepped right through it.

She lost control and I had her. I WAS NICE ABOUT IT and she still locked herself away, swears I wont have her naked again. Wasn't that good. She wont give head. She's 6 hours north and doesn't want to see me without my child with me on weekends. I was planning on taking her 3 weekends and going there 1 weekend each month

I have limitless endurance to fufill wishes and desires of those close to me, but she went out of her way to make this difficult so I figure I'll let it go.

But there was this moment when we were watching tv on the couch and I layed down and she came right over and laid in front of me and I held her, smelled her hair and nuzzled her.

Suddenly everything felt light, I was there in a total way. I told her so.. Something about how I didn't believe that it was all happening and I kissed her. She looked into my eyes and told me she was sure she could fall for me. In my mind she was already mine. She told me she wanted the baby to nap so we could get naked again. We put Mara down and I had her in the living room over the couch which was fantastic, because knowing she wanted it, and delivering as soon as possible in that rushed I-can't-fucking-wait-another-second sort of passion is by far the best.

But see that was a long time ago. Almost 3 months? maybe more like 5. I haven't touched an ass or kissed lips since and in some ways I regret it, but another part of me just can't break down and settle for less. That woman means something to me. She always has and always will even if when she visits again she doesn't put out.

It was also comical purchasing condoms. I never use them, or haven't I suppose I am grown up enough to do so now but it was laughable.

She's like 'years with women, didn't need them'

Maybe a little TMI... Just giving a picture of how epic it was. She also purchased 300 dollars worth of dinners and snacks for baby and I. I spent 600 dollars myself, so it was an expensive holiday, worth it. Hardly just now caught up on my bills from it.

Once away from me, she boxed up, said some mean things and we lost contact. The problem with nailing a friend then stopping is the talk stops. It kills everything. Going to the point of intimacy seems to at least in most cases cause this massive upheaval and sudden fast forward of events. TOO fast.

Now she is gone and all our dreams of meeting halfway and making love work have vanished. she will always love me sure, but with the intensity of her addiction withrawl fresh in mind, why would she let me get inside her again just to bleed fresh when I am no longer there? I hear tearing a scar hurts worse every time...

It's got me jaded. There must be a bit of pressure I don't comprehend. I am in it, makes it hard to understand how girls get away from me after I have them right in front of me, opiated to the gills on my attention.

I need to fix it. I need to get a grip on how to have a longer relationship. A long lasting healthy relationship and solve these unknowns.

The model doesn't count. That bitch is crazy. Amelia the lesbian is closer but still, Amy the ugly girl and Robyn the whore were temporary but Amy is the only one who never held any feelings for me. I've never had bad sex, but she was very cold about it. The rest after Jade all were enchanted by me for a week or more when I had them. The whore I had in many locations, introduced to my mother, let her play with my child. Same with the model, sadly Amelia has not met my mother. These are more like friends I got naked. I want to keep every woman but I am very upfront about how heavy I feel it is to be serious with me. All these women are more than 2 hours away. Can't seem to find them close, 'cept the ugly one, but she used me and got her Ex BF back, who will probably never heal things with me, I wouldn't...

Life is twisted. My desperation is gone and I talk with most of these women time to time. The whore is married now, totally unavailable, of course any male that interacts with any woman I have had doesn't like me, how could they? I interact at a level few people ever reach with anyone.

Intimidating I suppose.

So you are my inspector. You are my therapist and my advisor. You are here to give me a good look over and help me behave better and maybe hold on to a woman when I find one worth holding on to. None of these relationships have been much good for me, and I'm not desperate enough to go out and look for one till I find it.

Lazy I guess.

Wow I said alot. Promised myself I would tone it down and not chat with you so much. Too much to say and no one else I'd like to share with. Thanks for being here.. See usually this is when I post what I wrote here to my blog. I feel I have crossed a line..

Sorry

2011-08-11T05:41:00.000-07:00

It almost seems like I was doing this to spite her. I look back at my actions for excuses, for ways to cover myself if I become revealed. This has all of the gears in my head turning. I am finding appreciation and yes I am afraid.

This was unexpected, it started in such a sad desperate grasping sort of way for me and then I cut it and relaxed and felt better. You are still there and you didn't let go and I wonder so much about the future. There it is that blind hope [oh 300] maybe we can win...
--------------
I have grown up in some ways and I could not have done that without you. Now in this static state where you say nothing I start to look back and wonder what sort of pain or fear you may be experiencing. The vast chaos that must be your inner world.

I wonder if you are my tragic fixer upper case in the form of this woman... I don't want to believe that but everything points to it.

And I know if I let you go I can always come back. Somehow that is very comforting because you have been telling me for months and months to let you go to go away and I have been right here with you pushing me away like a lost puppy.

I mean look at me... I can't even tell you this for fear of your reaction. You don't even want to see it for fear of your reaction. I hope you get help

I can't say that I need help

Now I am lost in this different place. My mind meets another mind that doesn't feel so busted. Going slow is all I can comprehend, precarious is the path I walk, but the path is there.

I have all the time in the world. My therapist told me so =)

No really

2011-08-10T06:11:00.000-07:00

it's only a matter of time. I can see what is coming, I'm no fool. The desire has caught on and like a wave it will grow. The care it takes in not rushing something and going past the point of truth to a dissolution of want and impossible growth is vital. I will not say that I love you and must have you, that if I am not with you I'll die and I can't make it. I wont pester and beg even if I want to, because I want to dammit.

My whole life is an empty bowl. I have made it so wide and drank up all that I had, discarding the poison. It's nice but I have never been much for being alone. Alone is not what this is. The void is filled with a few people, none of them potentials.

There will be an honest draw towards making solid ties, becoming more than we probably should be. It is natural and we can talk about it as it comes on, but all real choices between us should come slow. Say 'Lets think about this for awhile before we really agree upon anything k?' and everything will be alright.

Passion, Lust, Intensity.... There will be devine moments but life is not without balance. The longer I remain empty the more delicious the taste when I am being filled. So many songs come to mind!

I'm hesitant to take on the appearance of a stepping stone for you, there is that deep desire to do so, to try bending your perceptions to get what I want. Honesty is the crutch of a very alone and unhappy man, but honorable....

ha.

It is a growing secret. A hidden journey that I am trying to create for us, like a seeker of hidden knowledge we can delve into energy works and yoga practice between us forming a connection to the occult and sharing what we discover and learning about it together. Some things are so much easier if you just have another voice to agree with you and bounce your crazy ideas off of..

<3

I never imagined

2011-08-06T23:18:00.000-07:00

I cannot quite know what you will see or find here. I have invited very few people to this blog that know me irl and I really feel a bit naked. I get support from 3 or so of my more talkative and witty bloggers but besides that I get a very warm pleased awareness that people enjoy what I say about these others in such a strong way. It is a crutch. Without it I tumble possible futures with these poor souls I don't have the refined patience to calmly set down and talk to about the way I feel.

This is therapy for me. But see I looked at you from the first moment as a beautiful creature. I saw a look in your eye that vanished quickly. I saw a side of you that went away once you saw deeper into my actions and took away your friend to a world where you could no longer touch her. I seized her and it must have looked very selfish and agressive. Brash and insensitive. I was caught up and I am ashamed of my action, though many things happened that I would not change I do count the end and my attachment as some very high levels of regret I cannot quite get over.

But you I could see held back a wall of grace and peace that somehow my brother wasn't quite getting to. I never felt like he had the right hold on you and I was sad that it was so easy for me to take her but that I could see from the start there was no way to get a grip on you. To really know that I had you.

That is intellect to me. That hesitation, the real knowledge of a strong hand that slips around the independant throat and brings it to its knees. Kindness and sweet words come pouring out and I wonder after a time if it is really me or if the monster within me intoxicates us both to sate itself...

Again more shame, but I am letting go of that, let that monster have his fun and fool me and the woman both. Let me ride the emotional mental rollercoaster of passion and betrayal. Let my life's imagination be consumed by my dreams and wants manifest before me in a great rapture

I balk at your cowardice. I know something is wrong and I remove it, I move forward. There is no fear when my insides are eating themselves over inactions I know I must take.

There is impatience in that. I would rather force an action that must be than wait for the right time. Imagine there is this long knife, longer than you can imagine and every moment you push it in an inch and twist. It heals as you go deeper but always hurts more. Every moment it gets worse and you somehow watch the knife go in, when at any time you have the power to remove the knife from his back and let him die in a more painless way. There will be blood and intensity for a moment, but that is far less cruel and a slow endless death being hung by a salted blade of unknown length for unknown days

All because you didn't have the heart to do what must be done.

Ah. The monster's words coming out of my mouth. My teeth grow longer, get sharper as I get more impatient. So expectant... But what else would I do? set and say nothing? I say these things here and you have the pleasure to see it but never before have I been thinking 'she will see this soon and what will she say?'

Well I can't say that it matters. It is here to help me relax and get it off my mind. There is nowhere else for me to put this. It has been beautiful with my girl these past hours and I think I spent too much of it thinking of you, mentioning you in little ways to myself... Seeing your face and speaking your words

It will only get better, and only get worse. I can ruin it forever or I can keep my hands under my rump and hope in time, it will be the right time.

If you put it in your mouth, all my tension melts away. I can't explain why this is true and I hate it. I hate that such an act shared between myself and another can be so powerful and life changing. That without that one thing I would be and believe so much less than I am in action and perception. It should not be so. To abstain and be pure should be more powerful. But maybe I have gone too far, spent too much time with my brain wired to the action itself, without the action those parts, those pathways in my brain lay dormant or half alive. Maybe deteriorating waiting to be remade?

Whatever it is it is biological conditioning and totally natural. There is no fighting it no matter how much I stomp my feet and scream that I am an angel doing gods work and I don't need that devil's play, that I don't need that carnal primal passion in my life consistant and impossibly beautiful.

I don't need it, it isn't everything
But without it I feel weak and small... Fuck