The HellBlazerRaiser Blog

The DCnU

2011-06-13T09:15:00.000-04:00

All of the (September shipping) DCnU series have been revealed. I’m looking forward to quite a few of them, but there are some disappointments for this lil’ black duck.

As much as I like most of what I’m seeing about the DCnU, it’s disheartening that, so far, there is no intel on Donna Troy, Wally West (I hope it’s Bart in TEEN TITANS and NOT Wally, regressed to a teen), Gar Logan, Garth/Aqualad and Raven (aka THE NEW TEEN TITANS). Grayson, Roy, Starfire and Cyborg are present, but the rest are MIA.

It irks me that some of MY characters are to date MIA. It’s possible they’ll show up in one of the new series as a supporting character or guest star. Other than Wally, I didn’t expect any of them to get their own series. But seeing the names of the other Titans (original, former and current) had me hoping we’d see the rest.

Obsidian, Damage and Jesse Quick being among the missing is also saddening.

Helena Bertinelli also seems to be among the MIA. I only recently warmed up to her character and I was hoping that she’d be around somewhere in the DCnU – i.e. a Bird of Prey. I doubt we’ll be getting any Earth-2 stories or series (at least not yet; maybe if there is a second wave of relaunches 6 or 9 months down the road), so that also leaves Helena Wayne out. So no Huntress at all?

The JSA – including Power Girl – being MIA is also highly disappointing. It’s possible that DCE is holding off on the launch of a JSA book until after the dust (and caterwauling and whining and kvetching, etc.) settles from the drama of the number ones. But it seems wrong to NOT have a current JSA book out there, somewhere.

Having also just found XOMBI, I’m disappointed that there is no #1 or #7 out there for September.

It’s also a heartbreaking let down that there is no SECRET SIX series. For its entire run – VILLAINS UNITED, SECRET SIX (mini-series) and the BIRDS OF PREY arc straight through to the ongoing – the stories were thrilling and brilliant and most of all entertaining. I’m hoping that there is a second wave of books DCE is keeping in a holding pattern in case some of the first 52 tank quickly.

I’m a diehard DC reader and I want to get each of the 52 first issues, but there are three series that I’m on the fence about picking up and at least one that I just have no interest in whatsoever.

FLASHPOINT! September 2011: The New DCU

2011-06-06T10:11:00.002-04:00

In September, DCE will re-launch their entire line of DCU set comic books with 52 #1 issues – 13 #1 issues each week in September.

At first, I was, like so many other fanboys and fangirls – the sane and the insane; the sober and the intoxicated; the losers and the winners – just a tad peeved that DC would have the audacity to renumber all of their DCU books to #1 and “reboot” the various continuities to an unknown (as far as the readers are aware) point.

What would happen to Morrison’s epic Batman revitalization?

Would Morrison get to finish his BATMAN, INCORPORATED story?

What is to become of MY Legion of Super-Heroes (finally returned after almost two decades among the missing)?

Would the bloody awful and extremely ill-conceived JMS Wonder Woman status quo be the “true” status quo?

Would MY characters – Dick Grayson, Donna Troy, Wally West and Kyle Rayner – be regressed or removed entirely?

What’s going to happen third and fourth generation characters such as Damian Wayne, Tim Drake, Cassie Sandsmark, Conner Kent, Bart Allen and Steph Brown?

I’ve always been a DC acolyte and there are very few things they’ve done that really irked me. But this time, I was ready to pitch a fit (like too many others) about this change.

As DC has been rolling out the “solicits” and art previews and announcements, et. al. for the post-FLASHPOINT DCU, this little black duck’s tune has changed.

Things are looking good, so far.

The more announcements I read, the more excited I’m getting for the change.

However, I’m waiting with bated breath for the full “official” announcements for Batman Family of Books and the Superman Family of Books.

For the last couple of years, both Families of Books have been on opposite ends of the spectrum. Where the Bat Books (under the stewardship of Grant Morrison [and to an extent Paul Dini]) have been excelling with brilliant characterization, complex storylines and fun adventures, for the last year, the Superman Books (the JMS abomination and Paul Cornell mishigas) have been awful.

We know there will be a Morrison written Superman book, which will kick butt to the Nth degree. But that leaves everything else from the two Families of Books up in the air.

I’m hoping DiDio, Johns and Lee do right by the Batman Family and the Superman Family.

I’m hoping DiDio, Johns and Lee do right by the New Teen Titans and current Teen Titans.

I’m hoping DiDio, Johns and Lee do right by the by John Constantine and Swamp Thing.

I’m hoping DiDio, Johns and Lee do right by the by THE Legion of Super-Heroes.

(I’m also hoping Damage is brought back.)

Right now, it’s just wait and see. I’m keeping an optimistic disposition, though.

Batwoman Timeline

2010-08-21T18:44:00.000-04:00

In anticipation of the upcoming BATWOMAN series, I thought I'd post the timeline for Kate Kane/Batwoman and her appearances.

32 Years Ago:
Twins Katherine and Elizabeth Kane are born to Gabrielle and Jacob Kane .

20 Years Ago:

Kate, Beth (Kate's twin sister) and Gaby (Kate and Beth's mother) are abducted on the twins' 12th birthday. Gaby is killed. Beth is presumed dead.

(DETECTIVE COMICS #858)

11 Years Ago:

Kate is separated from the Army for violating Article 125. Kate chooses to tell the truth and retains her honor.

(DETECTIVE COMICS #859)

9 years ago:

Kate meets Office Renee Montoya when Renee pulls Kate over for speeding. They enter in to a long term relationship.

(DETECTIVE COMICS #859)

7½ Years Ago:

Kate and Renee break-up after Kate reveals that she dropped out of school (seemingly becoming a layabout) and Kate insults Renee for not being out of the closet. (In 52 it was said that they broke up ten years ago, but that could be an exaggeration and rounding off.)

(DETECTIVE COMICS #859)

7 years ago:

Outside Molly's Bar, Kate kicks a crowbar wielding mugger's ass and gets a hand up from Batman. Kate becomes inspired and realizes how she can finally serve. (DETECTIVE COMICS #859)

6½ Years Ago:

Officer Montoya finds Kate (gathering intel) underground, in a dive bar, in the west end of part of town. Kate puts the kibosh on a criminal scheme at the Mercer Yards.

That night, while trying to wash the stench of tear gas off her body, Kate is found out by her father, Colonel Jake Kane, who tells his daughter that if she's going to do this (becoming a masked vigilante in Gotham City) then she has to do it right and for the right reasons.

(DETECTIVE COMICS #860)

6½ to 4 Years Ago:

Kate travels around the world, training in all forms of combat and martial arts, perfecting her skills.

(DETECTIVE COMICS #860)

4 Years Ago:

Kate returns home and puts on the Batwoman suit for the first time, a suit built for her by her father.

(DETECTIVE COMICS #860)

2 Years Ago:

Kate's first appearance – 52 Week Nine.

Kate assists Renee Montoya and The Question I in their investigation of Intergang's incursion into Gotham City.

(52 #9 and 11)

18 Months Ago:

Batwoman and Nightwing meet for the first time around Christmas. Nightwing gives Batwoman an official Batarang.

(52 #30 and 33)

13 Months Ago:

The Religion of Crime tries to sacrifice Kate, in order to bring Apokolips to Gotham City. Kate is stabbed through the heart, but survives.

(52 #48 and 52)

9 Months Ago:

THE FIVE BOOKS OF BLOOD

The Question II and Batwoman raid a Religion of Crime stronghold.

At an auction, Kate steals a copy of the Bastard's Folio. Batwoman and The Question II get into a scuffle and Kate gives Renee the book.

(THE QUESTION: THE FIVE BOOKS OF BLOOD #3)

7 to 8 Months Ago:

FINAL CRISIS: REVELATIONS

Batwoman is one of the Anti-Life Equation infected.

(FINAL CRISIS REVELATIONS #s 1 to 5)

4 to 5 Months Ago:

ELEGY

Kate continues her quest to uncover the secrets of the Religion of Crime and their new leader, Alice.

Batwoman, with the assistance Kyle Abbot, an acolyte of the Religion of Crime, stops Alice from dispersing a chemical weapon into Gotham City's atmosphere.

Kate discovers that Alice is her presumed dead sister Beth.

(DETECTIVE COMICS #854 to 857)

Within the last month:

Off-panel, Batwoman is drugged and abducted by the Religion of Crime. and brought to the UK.

Batwoman teams up with Batman III, Knight II and Squire III to foil the plans of the Britain's Ol' King Coal.

Kate is severely wounded when a cave collapses, leaving her paralyzed.

Kate asks Grayson to give her a lethal dose of morphine and Kate dies. A couple of hours later, Kate is resurrected through the use of a Lazarus Pit.

Atop Wayne Tower, Batwoman II and Batman III put the final kibosh on Vatman (a Bruce Wayne clone).

(BATMAN AND ROBIN #s 7, 8 and 9)

Back in Gotham, Kate hunts for a serial killer who is cutting coeds at Gotham U.

Batwoman catches Cutter.

Bette Kane, Kate's cousin, while wearing her Flamebird costume, tells Kate she wants in.

(DETECTIVE COMICS #861 to 863)

SUPERMAN #702 - Grounded, Part Two

2010-08-11T14:42:00.001-04:00

The “Gumping” continues….

I expected this issue to be schmaltzy and more of the same from the bloody awful #701, but I didn’t expect it to be this schmaltzy and awful.

Real quick – this storyline is pointless. There, I said it! It is only serving to feed the ego of its, frankly, overrated writer.

The art in the issue is terrific and Eddie Barrows deserves a better story for his work.

As for the “story,” well, it’s more of the boring same from #701. More preaching from Superman; more interference in the lives of citizens; more odd, preachy dialogue and just inaccurate dialogue.

NOTE to writer J. Michael Straczynski – no one running ball says “I’m clear, man, I’m clear.” They say, “I’m open.”

I can’t really comment on any of the settings – the DCU’s Detroit, MI – in the story, since I don’t live there and I’ve never visited there. I can say it doesn’t look like the Detroit I saw in 8 MILE or in Madonna documentaries or in PRIVATE PARTS.

Supes plays basketball with a bunch of kids and makes the scrub of the bunch look good. That is Superman. That rang true to me and if the whole issue had been the basketball game, I would have been satisfied.

But alas, we had more sap from the Man of Steel, as he lectures an alien race in hiding on Earth, the 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN, and preaches to them about immigration, with a forlorn look on his face, then has the aliens save a man dying from a nebulous coughing affliction, thus turning an abandoned factory into a research center where the aliens can use their advanced tech to heal the world.

The dialogue feels forced throughout the issue as if even the author knows it’s nonsense and the story overall feels pointless.

Even the finale with Lois and Clark chatting felt forced as did the oh so convenient appearance by one Caped Crusader on the last page.

I wonder if Straczynski even knows that it’s Dick Grayson under the cape and cowl and NOT Bruce Wayne, because that makes a difference in the final page.

Bruce Wayne would be trailing Clark and keeping an eye on him. Dick Grayson would not.

I fail to see what the people who love this story (and will most likely love this issue) see in the story.

In-story, it’s pointless. Supes has not lost touch with the human race.

Outside of the story? Again, I feel it’s only serving to feed Straczynski’s ego.

I think DCE needs to have Straczynski wrap this ill-conceived story soon, before it does real damage to the character and the book.

FINAL CRISIS and BLACKEST NIGHT

2010-07-23T19:11:00.001-04:00

FINAL CRISIS*, written by Grant Morrison, was DC Comics’ 2008/2009 crossover “event.”

BLACKEST NIGHT, written by Geoff Johns, was DC Comics’ 2009/2010 crossover “event.”

As stories go, BLACKEST NIGHT and FINAL CRISIS aren't even really comparable. They are as different in tone, style and actual storyline as comic book stories can get.

I thoroughly enjoyed both stories.

I found FINAL CRISIS to be a masterpiece from the beginning. Even though I didn’t fully understand (and still have not identified or discovered all of the subtleties) FINAL CRISIS (particularly SUPERMAN BEYOND, which went clear over my head the first and second time I read #1) the first time I read it, I still saw in the story that it was a true masterpiece of the comic book medium.

While at first I thought that BLACKEST NIGHT ended on an anti-climactic note, re-reading it one sitting made the ending stand out differently for me. The ending works. It’s a quiet, subdued ending, but the ending works for the story, which was almost eight full issues of unrelenting, brilliant action.

Both Geoff Johns and Grant Morrison are masterful writers, but they are not the same kind of writers.

Geoff Johns is the James Cameron of the comic book medium.

Grant Morrison is the Stanley Kubrick of the comic book medium.

Geoff Johns gives me strong characters and strong characterization in stories loaded with action and killer set pieces, just like James Cameron. I love ALIENS (in my top ten of all time) and TITANIC and

TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY and many others, but those films, like BLACKEST NIGHT and GREEN LANTERN (REBIRTH and the ongoing) and JSA, do not get much deeper than being fun movies with a great cast, great dialogue, great plots and mind-blowing special effects.

That is what BLACKEST NIGHT was: a fun, compressed, easy story with great characterization and awesome set pieces, but it did not go any deeper. Even with all the death and raised dead and reorganizing of universal origins, it was still a fun story. BLACKEST NIGHT had one, quite polished style to its issues. There was really no variation in tone or art or "cinematography." Even with all the compression, BN did not really stay with me when I finished an issue. I thought about it from time to time, but it did not stay on my mind and linger.

Grant Morrison gives me strong characters and strong characterization in stories not loaded with action and killer set pieces, but in stories that burrow deep into my psyche and stay there, gestating and lying in wait for me to read the book again; and when I do read it again, the things that I did not consciously catch the first time or the second time or the third or fourth of fifth time, leap out of my subconscious and into the front of my mind, the way Kubrick films do.

I have watched DR. STRANGELOVE, 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY, THE SHINING and FULL METAL JACKET dozens of times and there are still things that just hit me each time like it was the first time I watched them.

FINAL CRISIS was not a fun story; it was not an easy read; it was a difficult story to read and it was a difficult story to wrap my mind around and it forced me to use not only my reading skills, but my comprehension and reasoning skills. The tone of the story changes throughout and so does the art, which left me with a feeling of unease as I read through it. The story started out slow and somewhat ponderous, with scenes that seemed to just be thrown together, but as it progressed, it picked up speed and became heavier and heavier (almost oppressive) as it moved along until it felt like I was at the bottom of the pit as #7 started and then it was turned up to 11 as the story just bombarded me with image after image and scene after scene until it settled down after the evil was vanquished. Then in that calmness, I realized that everything I had read in the seven FC issues and the two SB issues all lead to this point and it all synced up and came together and then I was able to relax, but I was still left thinking about what I just read and it stayed in my system for a while as I digested the story.

There, I said it!!!

*When I mention FINAL CRISIS in the text above, it includes SUPERMAN BEYOND, but excludes the stories not written by Grant Morrison. In spite of the way the various FINAL CRISIS mini-series were promoted, SUPERMAN BEYOND is integral to the story told in the 7 issues of FINAL CRISIS.

SUPERMAN: #701 - Grounded, Part One

2010-07-14T21:37:00.004-04:00

Stink. Stank! STUNK!!!

There, I said it!

The issue was written by J. Michael Straczynski and is the launch of his highly anticipated (by who, I'm not really sure, but that's one of the ways its being promoted) run on SUPERMAN. I haven't read much by him, only a handful of issues of THE BRAVE AND THE BOLD and those issues were quite good, so I didn't really have any expectations (high, low, good, bad) for the issue and the arc.

There's a whole lot of back story that took place over the last two years that have (so we're told) lead Superman to the current arc, which is titled GROUNDED.

This opening chapter of the story is set in My City. I don't usually get irked when real-world cities depicted in comic books differ in geography or "characterization," but this issue irked me.

WE don't refer to cheesesteaks as "cheesesteak sandwiches." They are just cheesesteaks and the fact that so many writers use the cliché of the "cheesesteak" when setting a story in the City of Brotherly Love irks me to no end. Philadelphia is NOT about cheesesteaks and the cheesesteak joints that people from outside the city flock to (Pat's and Geno's) aren't even the good cheesesteaks!!!

Philadelphia doesn't have a "south side." No one from Philly refers to any section of the city as the "south side." There's South Philly, which is where I live and there's Southwest Philly. I'd like to think that even the citizens of the DCU's Philly would know better than to refer to ANY section of the city as the "south side."

As for the rest of the story....

....well....

....it was HELLA boring.

I've read comments where a lot of people are comparing the "walkabout" to to Forrest Gump's run across the country in the film of the same name. I believe that is a fair and accurate comparison to make.

Superman, the greatest super-hero of all time, goes on a walkabout. Really? That's the best you got?

Supes helps some citizens fix a car; he's chased by reporters; he gives one reporter a lil' trip he'll never forget; he organizes the storeroom of a diner in exchange for a meal (was the meal at Mendy's?); he faces down some stereotypical drug dealers and burns their "stashes" up and down the block; he stops some kids from running a light; he gives a lil' ol' man some medical advice; he stops a suicidal chick from jumping; he preaches to a man walking his giant poodle.

Two things stuck out about the exchange with the drug dealers:

(1) Yes, they were the stereotype of the inner city drug dealer, but would even they really be that disrespectful to Superman? They go as far as mocking his costume and telling him he can't do anything to them, since he can't go outside the bounds of the law.

(2) In response to that, Supes burns their "stashes" up and down the block. For me, this is interesting and troubling. I'm all for a proactive super-hero taking it to the streets, but this goes beyond the main purview of the character and brings him into dangerous territory that I don't think the character should step foot in within the main continuity.

This goes a bit further; later in the story, Supes tells one man to get his heart checked and stops some kids from running a light.

To me, this is taking Supes into territory that may be interesting to explore, Supes playing god, in an Elseworlds. Being a proactive super-hero is fine, but getting involved in the lives of the individuals the way he did in this story is another thing entirely and it bothers me a bit. I don't know if that is going to be the ultimate point of the story, although the title GROUNDED may be a huge hint that it is.

This is only chapter one, so it's too soon to discount the story in toto, but for this lil' black duck, it's off to an awful start.

Either this just going to be an ego trip for JMS, who could be veering toward self-important Bendis-like hack territory with this story or this could be the defining story for Superman for the 2010s.

Knight & Squire Mini-Series!!!

2010-07-12T18:16:00.016-04:00

Paul Cornell takes on Knight & Squire

DC Comics is launching a 6 issue Knight and Squire mini-series, written by Paul Cornell.

I posted this thread – DC: Please Publish a Knight and Squire Mini-Series!!! – on the DCMB on 1.31.2010 asking DC to publish a Knight and Squire mini-series. Well, it looks like the powers that be at DC read my thread and have granted my request.

That's right. I am taking credit for DC realizing that there was a fan interest in these characters getting a mini-series of their own.

I didn't read JLA: CLASSIFIED when it was published; they were featured in the first three issues of that book, which I read for the first time about 9 months ago.

My first exposure to the characters was in BATMAN 667, 668 and 669, the BLACK GLOVE arc, which was set-up like an Agatha Christie novel and ranks among my all-time favorite Batman stories.

They next appeared in BATMAN AND ROBIN 7, 8 and 9, the BLACKEST KNIGHT arc and my interest in them grew substantially.

Knight II and Squire III, Cyril Sheldrake and Beryl Hutchinson, respectively, are the UK's answer to Batman and Robin. In the last few years, they've appeared in 9 issues (I did finally read JLA: CLASSIFIED 1, 2 and 3 and the issues were quite great and a lot of fun to read).

I may be alone in this, but I am quite excited about this mini-series. There is an untapped wealth of story potential with these two characters, not the least of which is the UK version of Arkham Asylum, Basement 101, introduced in BATMAN AND ROBIN #7.

Now that I am thinking about it, B&R 7, 8 and 9 can actually serve as a "pilot" for this mini-series, since there is a wholly original mythology introduced for the characters in the arc.

FABLES - The Greatest Comic Book Series of All Time!

2010-07-10T20:22:00.008-04:00

FABLES recently (with the conclusion of the WITCHES arc from issues 87 to 91) bumped the 1980s Paul Levitz LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES series from my #1 spot to a tie for #2 with HELLBLAZER.

It's not easy to bump one of my number ones from its position.

ROSEMARY'S BABY/THE EXORCIST have been my #1 films for close to 20 years.

DARK SHADOWS has been my #1 TV series of all-time for well over 20 years.

Other films (THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK/REVENGE OF THE SITH, F13: THE FINAL CHAPTER, THE LION IN WINTER, THE GODFATHER and THE GODFATHER, PART II, among others) and TV series (BUFFY and FARSCAPE and SEINFELD and DOCTOR WHO and THE X-FILES and DYNASTY, among others) have moved up and close, but they can't topple my number ones.

The basic premise of FABLES is simple:

An unnamed and unseen (until issue #40, when all was revealed) Adversary started a process of expanding whereby the homelands of the characters out of European fables were conscripted in to The Empire. The refugees (or LEGENDS IN EXILE) fled to the mundane – i.e. "our" world – and set up shop in Manhattan and Upstate New York.

FABLES, from issue 1, has driven me to unquantifiable amounts of distraction and is the only series I read twice a year, in full, up to whichever the current issue is. I also tend to flip through random issues (usually the current issues that have yet to be collected into a TPB) multiple times a week.

THE GOOD PRINCE (issues 60 to 63 and 65 to 69) is one of the greatest comic book stories ever told. It is unlike any comic book story I ever read before or since. The range of emotions the story elicits from me each time I read this breathtaking story are immense and powerful. It's gotten to the point that I can't think of the titular Good Prince of the story without getting all verklempt. King Ambrose – the former Frog Prince – has to be the most tragic character to ever appear in a comic book series.

FABLES #56 is the single greatest issue of the series and gives a brilliant, yet deceptively simple, explanation for why and how Santa Clause does what he does.

FABLES #81 features the death of Boy Blue, a character who started as a supporting player in the first section of the series, then moved up to main character and eventually evolved into super-hero status and after his death, into a messianic figure currently expected by some to return in a blaze of blue glory. (Boy Blue was struck down by a magic arrow during the WAR AND PIECES arc and, being a longtime comic book reader, I assumed he would get better in two issues (max!) time.)

During THE DARK AGES, I read along as Boy Blue deteriorated and ultimately succumbed to his illness. FABLES #81 is the saddest comic ever published. (There, I said it!)

The current arc is titled ROSE RED and is delving into the characters of Rose Red and Snow White with an extended flashback to their youth and the origins of the centuries long estrangement.

It was the combination of THE GOOD PRINCE, THE DARK AGES, WITCHES and the currently being published ROSE RED stories that finally made me realize that FABLES is my favorite comic book series of all time.

If you have any friends interested in getting into comic books, this is the series (starting with ANIMAL FARM) that I would recommend telling them to read.

In the coming weeks I'm going to post my thoughts on each of the major arcs of the series.

BATWOMAN: ELEGY - The Deluxe Edition Hardcover

2010-07-02T14:45:00.002-04:00

"The Batman gave her the inspiration. Her father gave her the discipline. Years of training gave her the skills. But only Kate Kane herself knows what gave her the unbreakable drive to serve in the war on crime....as The Batwoman."

The text above is from the inside front cover dust jacket of the BATWOMAN: ELEGY Hardcover collection.

This hardcover is beautiful – the pages are thick and glossy; the cover is one of JH Williams III's standard stunning pieces of art; the extras are actually pretty darn cool. The Batwoman and Kathy Kane character sheets are sweet.

The four pages in the extras that have not been colored or inked are also quite stunning and almost as vibrant as their colored and inked versions.

This hardcover (like the BATMAN: R.I.P. HC before it) is oversized. While I am not a fan of the oversized HCs (they do not fit into my bookcases!!!), some of them are must have.

ELEGY is a must have.

The art is even more hypnotic in the HC. I've flipped through it close to a dozen times and I keep finding myself just staring at some of the pages, mesmerized.

When I went to my LCS this morning, this HC wasn't in my pull.

I panicked!

I yelled out to my buddy behind the counter, "where the heck is my Batwoman HC?"

The store manager told me that the guy who does the ordering accidentally omitted my copy when he placed the orders. Fortunately, my LCS had ordered at least two shelf copies.

I don't know what I would have done without my copy of this HC.

The only not great part?

The introduction by Rachel Maddow.

It was well written, but....it was written by Rachel Maddow.

For further reference, please check out my Batwoman Timeline....

Now, if only DCE would announce the street-date of the first issue of the BATWOMAN ongoing....

My Legion of Super-Heroes are BACK!!!

2010-07-02T14:32:00.001-04:00

This is my Legion of Super-Heroes....

Picture it, South Philly, September 1987....a young peasant boy....

I'll never forget it....

TALES OF THE LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES #349....

I was in a local 7-ELEVEN with two of my buddies. One was at the counter buying cigarettes for his mother and my other buddy and I were looking at the magazines.

My buddy that was with me (he was from Italy and English was a second language for him) asked "What does 'sus-spick-eon' mean?" He pointed to TALES OF THE LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES #349 on the shelf in the magazine rack.

I said, "it's pronounced suh-spish-uhn and it's what your parents were under when they packed you and your sisters up and had to hightail it out of Italy." (I was a d**k even way back then!!!)

I picked the book up and I thought that the lady on the cover (it was Sensor Girl) looked awesome, so I bought it.

When I got home, I read it and I was blown away. I couldn't believe how cool it was. I went back every day for the next two weeks until they finally put #350 on the shelf.

That was my first exposure to the LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES.

The Legion of Super-Heroes has a llooonnnnggggg and highly complex history, which would take me days and weeks to properly relate. I recommend checking out this site for the full story.

Over the last three years, My LSH has slowly, during the course of three excellent storylines that spanned four different series, been reintegrated to the DC Comics Universe.

It was wonderful to see the "original" LSH active and interacting with the other DCU heroes in THE LIGHTING SAGA, SUPERMAN AND THE LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES and LEGION OF 3 WORLDS. All three stories were terrific and fun. Some were more well received than other, but critical reception didn't matter to me. My LSH was back and active!

Sure, there were massive differences in the characters and their relationships and set-up since they last appeared during ZERO HOUR in 1994, but that was ok. All that mattered was that they were back and alive and active.

Thursday, I sat down and read issues #1 and #2 of the current LSH series. This series is written by Paul Levitz, who was the writer of the characters when I first found them.

As much as I enjoyed the three stories mentioned two paragraphs up - as fun and terrific and thrilling as they were - I didn't realize what had been missing from the stories and that was Paul Levitz.

I am going on record stating that the two issues of the current LSH series have trumped THE LIGHTING SAGA, SUPERMAN AND THE LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES and LEGION OF 3 WORLDS as far as my enjoyment is concerned.

THE LIGHTING SAGA, SUPERMAN AND THE LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES and LEGION OF 3 WORLDS were wonderful stories, but they were agenda driven stories.

THE LIGHTING SAGA served to bring the original LSH back into continuity.

SUPERMAN AND THE LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES served to reestablish the links between Superman and the LSH; they had been intrinsically linked for decades, but all of that was unraveled in the wake of CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS.

LEGION OF 3 WORLDS served to rectify and explain lingering continuity questions and tied the three versions of the LSH together in one continuity.

LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES Volume Six has no agenda. At least none (other than to sell books and entertain) that I can see. Without that burden of an agenda to set things right or to explain things or to link them, etc., the current series just moved along wonderfully, from page to page.

I expected to be more excited about LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES Volume Six and its launch, but I wasn't. I couldn't explain why I wasn't excited. I barely even thought about the books and I waited a month to read #1.

But as I read issues 1 and 2, I felt as if My LSH had never gone away; a feeling of calm contentment washed over me.

I hope that this series runs for hundreds of issues and that Paul Levitz writes all of them.

LONG LIVE THE LEGION!!!

The RESURRECTED: The Buffy Summers and Beatrix Kiddo Principles

2010-05-09T02:34:00.002-04:00

Buffy Summers died at the end of Season Five and went to what she perceived to be Heaven. Buffy was resurrected in the Season Six premier. Buffy told this to Spike in the second episode of Season Six: "Wherever I....was....I was happy. At peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time didn't mean anything, nothing had form....but I was still me, you know? And I was warm and I was loved....and I was finished. Complete. I don't understand about dimensions or theology or any of....but I think I was in Heaven. And now I'm not. I was torn out of there. My friends pulled me out. And everything here is bright and hard and violent....Everything I feel, everything I touch....this is Hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that....knowing what I've lost...."

There's no reason to think that all of The Twelve are thrilled to be alive again. The Hawks are quite used to being killed and being reborn. MM, Aquaman, Jade, Ronnie and Osiris were heroes. There's no reason to think that they didn't go to their "reward" when they were killed; that they went to "their" Heaven and that they're not too happy to have been pulled out of there. I call this The Buffy Principle.

BRIGHTEST DAY #1 Aquaman summons dead sea life. Martian Manhunter sees visions of himself killing people and morphs into a Black Lantern.

Something is WRONG with that....

Now we come to The Beatrix Kiddo Principle . Don Hall was complete. Don Hall was killed in the line of duty people saving the lives of others and was at peace with his death.

The Nekrotic Eight all died with unfinished business. Just as The Bride forced herself out of a coma and to walk again to avenge what the D.I.V.A.S. did to her in El Paso , so to did the Nekrotic Eight and Hal (Barry is an anomaly*) return from the dead because of unfinished business. Don Hall had no unfinished business, so he is at peace.

But The Twelve may have also been at peace.

There's no reason to think that Martian Manhunter wasn't in his Heaven with his wife and daughter....

Theres no reason to think that Arthur wasn't in his Heaven with his sons....

I'd be cranky if I was pulled from Heaven (although I know where I'm going to end up and it's not up there, but I digress....) and brought back to the harshness of living. I think we're going to find during BRIGHTEST DAY that not all of the RESURRECTED are happy about being alive again.

*It's possible Barry circumvents being at peace because of his emotional tether to Iris , a connection that Don Hall did not have to anyone.

Boston Brand – The Resurrectionist

2010-04-13T13:18:00.001-04:00

Boston Brand....

The Resurrectionist....

I've never been a fan of Boston Brand a.k.a. Deadman. I didn't mind when he appeared in my books, but I was never interested in him or why he did what he did or how he even ended up Deadman.

That is until he was among The Resurrected Twelve in BLACKEST NIGHT #8.

Boston Brand now seems to have the ability to resurrect the dead.

Not raise the dead....

Not create zombies....

Boston now wields the power of the WHITE and can resurrect the dead.

Boston Brand is now The Resurrectionist....

I'm sure we're going to see a rash of resurrections throughout the 27 issues of BRIGHTEST DAY.

I think Boston's new abilities are going to be made public (not through his own hand, but someone will find out and tell the world) and I think this is going to overwhelm him.

By the end of the series, I expect that Boston Brand – The Resurrectionist – will commit suicide.

The Rage of the Red Guy from....

2010-01-20T15:36:00.000-05:00

GREEN LANTERN CORPS #44.

Guy Gardner

RED left hand

GREEN right hand.

I want a poster of this splash page!!!

The image above is by Patrick Gleason, the regular artist on GREEN LANTERN CORPS and it is one of the most stunning images to come out of the all-around brilliant BLACKEST NIGHT.

I may be in the minority on this, but I hope Guy remains a Red Lantern. He's the only one that can out the rage to good use and keep his normal personality.

As for the rest of the issue, it was straight up superb!!!

'Nuff said.

Doctor Who: THE END OF TIME - Stink. Stank! STUNK!!!

2010-01-02T21:32:00.001-05:00

THE END OF TIME is the two-part swan song for the abominable Tenth Doctor's reign.

The Tenth Doctor is my least favorite Doctor. I absolutely LOATHE David Tennant, who is an embarrassingly, appallingly over-the-top actor who has very nearly destroyed DOCTOR WHO for me.

I've been watching DW since 1980, so I know where from which I speak when it comes to the Doctors and the Masters and the Daleks and the Companions.

Two weeks ago, BBC America aired THE WATERS OF MARS, which I simply adored and consider to the single best episode of the BBC Wales DOCTOR WHO and the best DW story since MINDWARP. Over the summer, I watched TORCHWOOD: CHILDREN OF EARTH and it was stunning.

So, like a fool, I had expected THE END OF TIME to be as good and I was actually looking forward to this story.

I was wrong.

I was very, very wrong.

David Tennant and Russell Davies fooled me again.

THE END OF TIME (as a whole) is the worst DW story ever. I didn't think things could get worse than ARMY OF GHOSTS/DOOMSDAY, THE RUNAWAY BRIDE, UTOPIA/THE SOUND OF DRUMS/LAST OF THE TIME LORDS or PLANET OF THE DEAD, but I was wrong.

Most of THE END OF TIME didn't make sense. It seems like it was thrown together over dinner one evening and not actually thought out and worked through.

I don't understand how BBC Wales gave the green light for this junk.

I admit that the last 20 minutes were excellent.

RTD should have just had the Doctor attend Thing's wedding....OOPS!!!....I mean Donna's wedding.... and as he left, a rogue Dalek from the Cult of Skaro (or the Skaro Degradations) pops up, blasts him point blank and vanishes. Then the 10th Doctor, knowing he is dying, goes and visits his friends/Companions as he slowly dies from the affects of the blast.

The good:

The disgusting Donna Noble was not featured that much. The less of that thing the better.

The 11th Doctor making his final rounds was excellent.

Martha and Mickey are married. That rocks!!!

Sarah is always wonderful to see.

Jack getting a new hook-up is fitting, but did they have to meet in the Mos Eisley Cantina?

Mrs. Monsoon going off to catch the bouquet was a nice treat.

The 10th Doctor saying, "I don't want to go," was actually (thought it pains me deeply to admit this) very touching and put a lil' lump in my throat.

The bad (I'll limit it to ten points):

(1) Wilf – second (his granddaughter being the worst) worst Companion ever.

(2) The Master. Awful. Bloody awful! What was with his hair?

(3) Timothy Dalton was wasted as Rassilon. What was the point?

(4) Both episodes were boring.

(5) The story was a disgrace.

(6) Rose and her Mother make me sick.

(7) The radiation poisoning in the chamber: was this THE END OF TIME or THE WRATH OF KHAN?

(8) Ood Sigma specifically is awful, the Ood in general stink.

(9) The 11th Doctor is already working my nerves.

(10) Could the music be any more overwrought?

DOCTOR WHO: THE END OF TIME

Stink.

Stank!

STUNK!!!

Batwoman in DETECTIVE COMICS....

2009-12-05T19:14:00.000-05:00

I just re-read DETECTIVE COMICS 854 to 859....

Since DETECTIVE COMICS 854, Batwoman has been the star. (1) The art on the lead feature is some of most striking art I have ever seen anywhere. It just forces me to turn the lights all the way up and stare at it and study it and stare at it more. (2) The character of Kate Kane is fascinating and I simply love her relationship with her father. (a) This Kate is different from the Kate that appeared in 52 and at first I thought it was a retcon, but when I re-read 859, I saw the 52 Kate in the flashbacks with Renee . So, like I originally thought, Kate was radically affected by the events at the end of 52 with the Religion of Crime. (b) For a while I was thinking that Kate's family came from old money and the reason we didn't see mansions during GO was because they were jumping from military base to military base. But now I don't think that. The Colonel's second wife is the one with the money, but this still leaves a break in the story as to why in 52 it seemed like the Kanes were second only to the Waynes as far as wealth in Gotham City. (c) I can feel the love that the Colonel has for his daughter in their scenes together. (d) The strength in character we saw from Kate when she was questioned in GO 2 was wonderful and spoke volumes about the character and the writer. (3) I'm going on record stating that the Batman she ran into in 'TEC 854 was Dick Grayson. (4) Alice is highly disturbing, but incredibly interesting. I know we haven't seen the last of her. (a) The reveal that Alice is really Beth Kate's twin sister, was shocking to say the least. I know we haven't seen the last of her. (5) I love the True Believers. I am hoping that they stick around as supporting characters. (a) There is something awesome about Batwoman having a werewolf (and whatever the other hybrids are) working with and for her. (6) I think it was the Religion of Crime that kidnapped and murdered Beth and her mother. I think Beth was raised from the dead by the cult. (a) Their mother could also be out there somewhere. (7) I haven’t read too many stories featuring Bette Kane, but I am hoping she becomes a sidekick to Batwoman. (8) I didn’t notice it the first time I read the issue, but in ’TEC 858, we see the Kane twins in the winter, walking home. Kate is dressed in red and black snow clothes and Beth is dressed all in white. It’s such a great little touch.

(9) Instead of referring to Batwoman's costume as the "cape and cowl," which I feel should be reserved forBatman, I am going to, from this point forward, refer to her costume as the "red and the black." There, I said it!

The Nekrotic Eight

2009-11-27T20:10:00.001-05:00

In this week's BLACKEST NIGHT #5, the "lord of the dead" Nekron, raised "Batman" from the "dead." This Black Lantern Batman went after those heroes who have been resurrected. Nekron claimed that he allowed these resurrections.

The Black Lantern "Batman" guided the Black Lantern Rings toward the resurrected heroes:

In the image above, clockwise from the top left:

Superboy (Conner Kent) - killed in INFINITE CRISIS #6

Animal Man (Buddy Baker) - killed in ANIMAL MAN #51

Donna Troy - killed in TITANS/YOUNG JUSTICE: GRADUATION DAY #3

Superman (Clark Kent) - killed in SUPERMAN #75

Ice (Tora Olafsdotter) - killed in JUSTICE LEAGUE TASK FORCE #14

Green Arrow (Oliver Queen) - killed in GREEN ARROW (First Series) #101

Kid Flash II (Bart Allen) - killed in FLASH: THE FASTEST MAN ALIVE #13

Wonder Woman (Diana) - killed in WONDER WOMAN (Second Series) #125

It has been assumed by the readers of the book that the characters listed above were killed by the Black Lantern Rings and then raised from the dead by the Black Lantern Rings.

But I don't buy it.

Did you ever watch THE INHUMANOIDS? I loved THE INHUMANOIDS.

One of the Inhumanoids was called D'Compose. When it touched something living, the victim would be warped and changed into a seemingly undead thing. But they didn't actually die and when exposed to sunlight, they reverted back to what they were before being touched by D'Compose . I believe that if (when) their connection to the BLACK is severed, then the Nekrotic Eight will revert back to what they were before the Black Rings did their damage to them.

The Nekrotic Eight were NOT killed and then raised from dead. They were altered by the BLACK. There, I said it!!!

THE WAR OF LIGHT

2009-11-26T19:41:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I've updated this blog, but I love my rings, so here is a pic of my War of Light Rings!!!

Top Row: Rage of the Red Lanterns, Agent Orange, The Sinestro Corps, The Green Lantern Corps

Middle Row: The Blue Lanterns, The Indigo Tribe, The Star Sapphires

Bottom Row: The Black Lanterns

Superman Beyond....

2009-09-25T14:42:00.000-04:00

SUPERMAN BEYOND - The Greatest Superman Story Ever Told

Part One - The Story of SUPERMAN BEYOND

Toward the end of FINAL CRISIS #2 (an entry will follow [one day] about FINAL CRISIS specifically; however, in short, FINAL CRISIS is the story of a devil god losing a war in Heaven and, as this dark, evil god falls, he tears the fabric of the universe, the multiverse, apart and FINAL CRISIS is the story of the last of the heroes of the conquered Earth–0 uniting to defeat him) a bomb went off in the Daily Planet, killing some and critically injuring Lois Lane-Kent.

In the hospital, in the next issue, it is revealed that Clark is keeping Lois alive with his heat vision, which he is using to massage her heart. Lois is one heartbeat away from death.

Enter, stage right – Zillo Valla....

Cut to SUPERMAN BEYOND #1 – time stops and Clark is visited by Zillo Valla (in a reprise from the same scene in FC #3). Zillo Valla is a member of a race of Monitors – ancient, unending, hyper-gods – the Monitors of Nil, masters of the Overvoid – beings who watch and monitor all the worlds in the multiverse through the Orrery of Worlds.

Zillo Valla, who has frozen time on Earth–0 (“our” Earth) tells Clark that she knows he’s Superman and that she knows of a way that Clark can save Lois – if Superman agrees to go with her and the Super-Champions of the multiverse that she has recruited. If they succeed, Superman’s reward will be “the universal medicine, the secret substance of life itself” – Ultramenstruum – the Bleed, which is the space, the arteries, between the universes. Bleed can only be touched, bottled and held by the Monitor race.

Superman and Zillo Valla travel through the Bleed in Zillo Valla’s ship – the Ultima Thule.

On the ship we meet Ultraman, Superman’s anti-matter opposite; Captain Marvel – Superman’s magic powered counterpart from Earth–5; Captain Adam – Superman as the epitome of scientific engineering and knowledge on a quantum level from Earth–4; Overman – the Nazi Superman – raised in extreme difference to “our” Superman – from Earth–10.

The Ultima Thule is being perused by the destroyer, “Echo of Midnight.” The Ultima Thule passes through the Bleed and other worlds in the multiverse before crashing in the graveyard universe – Earth–51. Back in the Bleed, the Ultima Thule travels to Limbo, where the passengers meet the citizens of Limbo – the forgotten; beings that have faded from everyone’s memories.

Superman and Captain Marvel make their way to the Library of Limbo where they find a book with an infinite number of pages all occupying the same space. They reach into the Infinite Book book and the Story of the Monitors follows. [I have my own theories about the Story of the Monitors, which I’ll share in a subsequent entry.]

“Previously. There was MONITOR only. And then. Then is a flaw found at the heart of MONITOR perfection. MONITOR makes a concept to contain the flaw. MONITOR examination reveals within terrifying, unforeseen complexities and contradictions. Magnification reveals a structure of infinitesimal rippling manifolds upon whose surface intricate germ-like processes thrive and multiply.”

Superman and Captain Marvel realize that MONITOR is a conscious, living void. Superman states that what he and Captain Marvel are reading is the “primal origin story of Zillo Valla’s kind.”

“MONITOR extends a probe….Designed to blend with its surroundings, the probe secures contact….with something MONITOR has never before encountered. Inside the flaw – a chaotic froth of events.

“Lives. Deaths. Heroes. Villains. Lovers. Stories.”

This two passages above are told against the backdrop of the CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS.

“With no precedent for the concept ‘story…’ no understanding of the damage ‘story’ might do to an immense awareness without limits or definition…. MONITOR has zero defenses.

“Blinded, split in two,” [into the CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS Monitor and Anti-Monitor] “the probe withdraws. The flaw is sealed, scabbed over. With divine metals. Made safe until all that remains of that ill-fated first contact is a vast, uncanny form.”

A Thought–Robot.

“The mystery of the silent sentinel haunts MONITOR, infects the immaculate intelligence with questions, speculating, pestilential, crawling narratives.

“Legend takes root….and story, like contagion, spreads unchecked. Becomes this history of a once-mighty race of hyper-gods, direct descendants of the first immense, unknowable MONITOR.

“This epic elegy for a doomed civilization, declining from splendor to squalor.

“This FINAL CRISIS.

“This last-ditch attempt to save creation itself from a loathing and greed beyond measure.

“But first….eons pass of peace and plenty while the haunting relic of first contact rusts, neglected.

“It has always been. It will always be.

“Yet its shadow grows ever longer, ever colder in a deepening twilight.

“After extensive study, the circle of Monitors makes its evaluation.”

The Monitors are referring to the Thought–Robot, which they describe as a “doomsday machine engineered by genius to defend us against some ultimate enemy.”

“Dread of the thing grows. Rumor spreads. Only on the last day will it yield up its secrets, it is said.

“Only then will the story of Novu’s final gift be understood.

“Dax Novu, the Radiant One, the first son of MONITOR and bravest of the Science Gods.”

The race of Monitors were born from the rebirth of the multiverse in INFINITE CRISIS. Dax Novu was the first Monitor “born” with the rebirth.

“Novu, whose brilliant, rebel intellect first probed the flaw and mapped its horrors. Who wrestled the angel of contamination. Who brought knowledge and the riches of the Bleed. Who gave his life to chain the beast in darkness. Who knew the day of holocaust would come again.

“Deep within the sepulcher of Mandrakk there is a restless stirring. In the Plague Pit, the Prime Eater of Life senses its freedom.

“An unstoppable countdown to cosmic revelation has begun.”

Feedback from the Infinite Book knocks Superman and Captain Marvel back, changing Captain Marvel back into Billy Batson, who cannot remember his magic word.

Superman carries Billy into the Ultima Thule, where Superman catches Zillo Valla draining blood from Overman. Zillo Valla tells Superman that the Dark Monitor, Mandrakk, wakes.

Captain Adam tells Superman that the sky over Limbo have shattered. Outside the Ultima Thule, Superman and Captain Adam see Ultraman holding the Infinite Book as warships appear in the horizon.

Ultraman reveals that he read the final chapter of the book and found something greater than himself – Mandrakk – who is “building a bridge from the void into the multiverse.” Superman sees this as a challenge. Merryman, a citizen of Limbo, declares that they (the Limbo citizens) are not going to take it anymore and take up arms against the arriving forces.

In the Ultima Thule, Overman tells Billy Batson to stay away from the vampiric Zillo Valla. Overman reveals his origin and that he agreed to go on the journey to find his cousin, Overgirl, who we saw crash to Earth–0 in FINAL CRISIS #3.

Billy Batson discovers that the Ultima Thule is fueled by Bleed. Billy, a reporter for WHIZ Media, notes that he smells a “love story.” Zillo Valla gives Billy his magic word.

As the citizens of Limbo battle the warships of Mandrakk, Merryman asks Superman to promise that he’ll remember them.

Ultraman declares that he is taking the Ultima Thule to spread the gospel of Mandrakk to all worlds. Superman tells him that he’ll have to go through him first. As they are about to throw down, Captain Marvel enters and keeps them apart.

Captain Marvel reminds Superman of the ultimate weapon created by the Monitors that was revealed to them through the Infinite Book. Supes tells Captain Marvel to take the Ultima Thule and go into the multiverse warn everyone that Mandrakk is coming.

Captain Adam reveals that Thought–Robot requires the unleashing of tremendous energies to be activated, which can only occur during the “collisions of fundamental opposing qualities.”

Captain Adam allows Superman and Ultraman to touch and the resultant release of energy activates the Thought–Robot, which has the visage of Superman.

The Thought–Robot now activated, Zillo Valla tells Superman that It is a living weapon, “capable of adapting instantly to counter any future threat. A sentinel-suit designed for a single purpose. To protect all existence against the ultimate enemy.” It was the final gift left to them by Dax Novu, the Radiant One.

The Superman Thought–Robot meets Weeja Dell, lover of the exiled Nix Uotan, who leads him through the Funeral Gardens of Yivaroth. The Superman Thought–Robot sees a meeting between Monitors and as he looks around their decaying world, the Superman Thought–Robot comes to the realization that the Monitors are vampires, feeding off the Bleed and the stories of existence.

Zillo Valla reveals that the Monitors locked Dax Novu/Mandrakk “in the pit, in the sepulchre of the abyss.” A wholly vampiric Rox Ogama announces that “the master, my brother, wakes!”

The doors of the tomb open and Mandrakk steps out, holding a phial of Bleed. Mandrakk tells Superman all he has to do is take the phial from him. Mandrakk strikes and the battle between the Superman Thought–Robot and Mandrakk begins.

As Mandrakk fires upon the Superman Thought–Robot, he mentions the “sound of the space between now and her final heartbeat.”

Zillo Valla steps up and scolds Mandrakk, telling him that she has found, “deep within the germ worlds”, “a better story; one created to be unstoppable, indestructible! The story of a child rocketed to Earth from a doomed planet…”

Mandrakk kills Zillo Valla, at which point it is revealed that Zillo Valla was the lover of Dax Novu. The Superman Thought–Robot and Mandrakk battle again. As they battle, the picks up the staff of Prime Monitor Tahoteh and runs it through Mandrakk, tells him that he was Dax Novu and then blasts Mandrakk with his heat vision, knocking Mandrakk into the abyss.

Badly damaged from the battle, the Superman Thought–Robot is handed the phial of Bleed and advised that it cannot be taken back to his world. Superman tells the Monitor that he’ll “find a way.”

The Superman Thought–Robot begins to wind down. Ultraman and Superman are separated and fall to the surface, with Bleed raining down around them.

Captain Marvel reveals that he found his treasure – a shard of the Rock of Eternity. Silently, “in the space between one heartbeat,” Superman, Captain Marvel and Overman destroy Mandrakk’s warships.

Rox Ogama finds the bruised and angry Ultraman and brings him before Mandrakk, who transforms Ultraman into a vampire, his “first knight of terror.” Mandrakk states that he will return, with his armies of millions, when Superman is at his weakest “and we shall talk.”

Back on Earth–0, Clark goes to Lois hospital room and kisses her, giving her the life saving Bleed, which he carried back to his world in his mouth. Lois is healed and tells Clark she had an amazing dream and she needs to tell him about it….

Part Two, my analysis of the story, which spanned two oversize, 3D issues, will follow in a few days....

Pet Peeves, Things that Grind My Gears and General Things that Irk Me….

2009-09-21T16:44:00.000-04:00

People who do not follow the laws of the bathroom! If three of the four stalls/urinals are unoccupied in the bathroom DO NOT use the one right next to the one that someone is already in/using. And don’t forget the courtesy flush!!!

DO NOT come into work early JUST to use the toilet. That's what your bathroom at home is for.

Bums who feed the pigeons. Excuse me! But aren't you asking for food for yourself? How can you spare some for the birds? If you can't walk in the shoes don't wear them!!!! Don’t squeeze a size 12 foot that’s as wide as a tennis racket into a size 5 pump!!! Your flippers are too big for the sexy Manolo Blahnik!!! Wear the orthopedic Oxford instead. When "grown women" skip around, clapping their hands, singing like a 5 year old. When you ask someone a question and they answer everything but the question you asked. When funny looking people or people that can't dress tell YOU that YOU look funny or can't dress…... Meetings or training sessions scheduled 12:00PM to 2:00PM. When I am supposed to eat lunch? Crazy starrers. But they’re not just staring. They’re probing. They are squinting to see you as clearly as they can. And then they get offended when you stare back and so they give you a dirty look. Who are they to covet you in such a way? This calls for a stare off and even though the starrer is crazy, DO NOT back down!!! When you pull a string, thinking it's a lint ball and you pull a big hole in your pants. People who step on your ankle. People who go off their meds. People who make at least $30,000.00 more a year than me and do not know how to do anything for themselves!!!!! When an Executive Inquiry needs to be completed and the person assigned to work it suddenly becomes deathly ill the day the EI is due and it is left to the fool “analyst” in duty but not in name or salary to resolve. When you ask someone how their sick relative is doing and instead of a simple “A lot better, thanks” or “It’s been touch and go, but I know they’ll pull through” or “Not good” or “They’re on death’s door” you get a verbatim recitation of the patient’s medical record with CPTs and ICD-9s included. People who have to announce every move they make: “All right people, my lap top is with the Help Desk to get wiped.” “All right everyone, I’m putting my pumps on. I can’t wear sneakers at work.” WHO CARES?!?!?!?!?!?!?! When you look and feel your worst and you see the person of your dreams walking oh so dreamily down the street in your direction looking as dashing as ever. When someone in Production Support, the area that maintains the Problem Logs, asks YOU if a Problem Log has been closed!!!!! I know it’s difficult losing a parent. I still miss my dad eight and a half years later as much as I missed him right after he passed away. It’s always sudden when a parent passes even if they’ve been sick for years. It’s worse when they are somewhat young. Young as in less than 90 years old!!! When a 97 year old dies – the world shouldn’t stop!!!! 97!!!!!!!! She was older than half the buildings in Center City. I never met the 97 year old woman’s daughter who happened to work at my company at one point while I was still in elementary school. We have 9,000 employees – I still haven’t met all of them yet. Why do I have to sit and listen to stories about my co-worker’s old, retired manager’s mother? Why should I even be told about the passing? Am I hard of seeing? Do I have no mirrors in my house? Why do some people insist, INSIST!!! on telling me I need a haircut? I can see that I need a haircut. I want to let my hair grow out!!! If you ask me for help and I give you the answer, don’t keep questioning me about it. If you don’t like what I said, ASK SOMEONE ELSE!!!!!!!!! “My one twin daughter dated for a few weeks the cousin of the roommate who was in a Biology class with the boy that was killed at Kutztown University. My daughter is very distraught. She had to stay home from school this week.” GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!! That would be like me taking a week bereavement because my nephew knew a Marine killed in Baghdad. People who speak bout their children as if the kids are descended directly from the Lord HIMSELF. You’re kids are not that great!!!! Accept it!!!! Especially the 12th grader who has been suspended for showing up to classes drunk and her twin sister (the 11th grader) who has been in and out of rehab so much that she got left back a year. If you don’t want something that is stated in an email to be read by others, THEN DON’T WRITE IT IN AN EMAIL!!!! If one is so busy that cannot pull a simple report of claims for the month of July for a small client, how do they have time to stand behind me and stare and wait for me to turn around to ask me if I want a stale pretzel?!?!?!?! If I tell you that ONLY the HARD COPY street address has been changed, why the H would you ask if this includes ELECTRONIC!!!!!! It’s electronic!!! There is no street address for electronic submissions!!! Asking me what I am doing for the weekend is ok. I’ll also ask you back to be courteous. However, I DO NOT want a minute by minute breakdown of what you have planned from when you leave work on Friday until you plan to head for bed on Sunday night. I DO NOT CARE!!! I only asked to be nice!!! Don’t start off your reply with, “Well, let’s see, tonight…” Just say the most important thing you have planned. That is all that is required. If you cannot stand on your own accord without holding the wall – get a wheel chair or some crutches!!! However, if you are going to walk with a cane, at the very least, humor us and let the cane touch the ground at least once every 60 steps. When someone speaks to me about how they have no friends in this company. If you have no friends, why the heck are you confiding in me, since you obviously feel I am not your friend? If you tell me that you have no friends in this company and I say “I am your friend,” and then you say, “No, I mean actual friends,” why should I be expected to listen to you cry about your family and former friends when I am at home, relaxing watching a nice movie? If you offer me something to eat and I say “No thank you” that means I don’t want any. Yes, it is rare for me to turn down offers of food, but it doesn’t mean you have to ask me three or four more times and “No really, take one” or “Every one else tried.” I am 34 years old. If I don’t want to do something, like go out after work to Happy Hour, then I am not going to do it. No matter how many times you tell me I should go. No matter how many times you try to pull peer pressure on me. What is this, High School? Do I have to do what every one else does? Why do some people have to walk around stomping their feet? We don’t all need to know you can walk in those ugly shoes!!! DO NOT make a donation to ANYONE in my name! I am not that generous!!!!! Why oh why must some people call me to confirm that they received a text message when they replied to me via text and I answered back? If you are going to sit at your desk and cry and scream about how much you hate your job so that everyone hears how unhappy you are, then don’t be offended if someone calls you miserable. If you just learned today how to do something and I am the one who taught you, don’t try to tell me the best way to do it. If I work 30 feet from you on the same floor as you, why would you send me something interoffice? If you are so “deep” in thought that you can’t say “Hello,” don’t be upset when I stop saying “Hello” to you. On the other hand, one “hello” or "good morning” a day is sufficient the first time I see you that day, not EVERY time I see you that day. DO NOT pick up every single piece of paper at the printer!! Not all of them are your prints. Why do I always get the ice cubes that have things frozen in them? Why do I always get the ice cube with the schmutz on it? When you ask someone a question and they give you an answer that has nothing to do with what you asked. Example: Q: Is your system moving slow? A: I’ve been here since quarter to seven. If you think you can train the class, then why are you a student? In the morning, when the day is just beginning, let me get my darn coat off before you aggravate me and start bombarding me with questions!! The Lil' Ol' Man sitting behind me has chronic Bordetella of the throat that causes him to cough and hack all day!!! All I hear is cough, cough, clear throat, sneeze, wheeze, clean nose, cough, hack, cough, wheeze, clear throat, gag. He needs a new set of lungs or to be put out to pasture or made into glue. We’re short on supplies, so one lil’ ol’ man being turned into glue would save us hundreds of dollars. The Lil' Ol' Man also clips his brittle, green finger nails at his desk. When someone thinks they are smarter than they actually turn out to be and in reality are just fractions of a point away from being classified as a slow adult. Low talkers who want to chit chat with you all morning, but get angry when you ask them to repeat what they said because you can’t hear them. I am fet up with reading lips!!! Gigglers. Is everything really that funny? Maybe you should be in the group home with the other gigglers knitting pot holders. When someone three cubes over starts talking to you, but doesn’t call you by name. They just start rambling and then expect you to acknowledge their rambles. Why do people you don’t know want to show you pictures of their newborn grandchild? And by newborn, I mean the head as it makes its way out of the birth canal. I don’t want to see that!!! When the drip tray on the water cooler is filled and starts beeping while you are in front of it, do the right thing – empty it!!! Don’t let it overflow!!!! The hiss laugh. When people who have been with the company less than two months try to tell me about Corporate Policy!!!!! No matter how many times you mention today is your birthday, I am still not going to wish you a “Happy Birthday” if I don’t like you. I am really tired of people (practically strangers!!!) asking me to buy them food or to give them some of my food. I am just tired of it. People who have lake houses (the same yutz from the three above), yet beg for and try to mooch food from everyone. People who walk in the street instead of on the sidewalk that get angry with you when you skim them as you drive by. Walk on the sidewalk!!! That’s what they are for!!! If you walk in the middle of the street, be prepared to roll with the hit as you get run over. If I ask you a simple question through text message, then that means the answer is simple and doesn’t require a 20 minute phone call. Just answer YES or NO!!! Squinters. If you have poor eyesight, then wear contacts or glasses or even a monocle! But for the love of the Lord, stop with the squinting!!! Elevator Etiquette: (1) Mouth breathers in the elevator who reek of cigarettes and coffee first thing in the morning!!! Breathe through your nose!!! No one finds that funk appealing! Next time you make me nauseas, I may just vomit on you! (2) When people have to pack you into the back of the elevator!!! There are 5 more elevators coming in the next minute. Wait for one of them. (3) When the elevator gets to your floor and you say “Excuse me” to the people blocking you in and they don’t move. You say it again and they stand there, as if you are at fault because they blocked you in. Finally, you have to push your way out and bump a few people out of your way. Who are they to not move? Who are they to make little groans because you bumped them around? Who are they to speak about you in a negative way as the doors close? (4) People who hurl themselves through the elevator doors and then realize it is not their floor. Why don’t they look? (5) If you have “claustrophobia” and cannot ride an elevator with other people, then don’t come into a skyscraper during peak, rush hour office hours when the elevators are packed!!!! (6) If you want me to hold the elevator for you, at the very least, make some type of effort to get to it somewhat quickly. Don’t drag your feet. (7) That’s right. I WAS pushing the door closed button. (8) I am not an elevator operator. Don’t say to me, “18th Floor” when you are right next to the buttons and I am in the back of the elevator. (9) People who have the uncontrollable need to pace back and forth while waiting for the elevator. Can’t they just stand still? (10) Pushing the button multiple times and banging on the button WILL NOT make the elevator move faster. Just relax. (11) If you choose to stand in front of the elevators on your cell engaging in a personal call that you don’t want anyone to hear, don’t give a dirty looks to those of us waiting for the elevator because you think we’re listening. Go somewhere more private. (12) Don’t use your cell phone on the elevator. No one is impressed with your importance to yourself.

Comic Book Rules – “Director’s Commentary”

2009-09-21T07:16:00.000-04:00

I left out explanations and the history for my COMIC BOOK RULES. My COMIC BOOK RULES are, for the most part, meant to be sarcastic and tongue in cheek. (1) Murderous villains are not allowed to murder. They are only allowed to scowl at the heroes and resent them for being heroic. (2) Homosexual and female characters (regardless of ethnicity) should not be injured in any way, shape or form in a comic book. (3) No characters (heroic or villainous) should be killed off if there is a small, but vocal, fan base. The Rules were written and posted by me on a whim one day on the DC Comics message board after I had read complaint after complaint about the death of a character called Tasmanian Devil – not THE Taz; just A Taz – who was once a member of the Global Guardians, an international group of heroes set in the DC Comics Universe – the DCU. Oh yeah, this Tasmanian Devil was a homosexual male. The character was revealed in issue three of the comic book series JUSTICE LEAGUE: CRY FOR JUSTICE to have been killed off screen by a character named Prometheus (a fairly recent [within the last decade or so] addition to the DCU and functions kind of as an inverse of Batman. Tasmanian Devil was killed by Prometheus and made into a carpet. This prompted such a call of anguished (absurd) outrage from fans on the DC message boards that it struck me as absurd. The character of Tasmanian Devil had not been a main character (ever) and to the best of my vast comic book knowledge, had appeared a handful of times in the last 15 years. (4) Characters must remain stagnant – there should be no forward motion in their characterization. The way their creators wrote them while they helmed the character is the way the character shall remain in perpetuity. Rule four came about because many, many, many, many fans and comic book pundits just go apoplectic when their favorite character(s) (sometimes not even their favorite, just a random character they read about 20 years ago) is written differently than their first appearance. Characters in serialized fiction should grow and mature and while they shouldn’t arbitrarily do a 180 in the course of one issue, if a character has been around for 60 years, it should be expected that she/he/it may not be the same as they were back then. I have also read posts and comments from “fans” who feel that only the creator of a character has any right to make any changes to the character. No one else (not even the most celebrated writers of the modern age) have this right. (5) NO MULTIPLE ISSUE ARCS. All comic books should be episodic in nature with multiple done-in-one stories per issue. This is a good one. Many times a story in a comic book will be so vast in scope that it needs to be told over the course of 2 or 3 or 20 issues. Yes, decompression in stories leads many arcs to extend beyond what is or should be a reasonable length. That is not in question. Decompression is a device that is woefully overused by some comic book writers. What is in question is the fervent insistence by some camps that all single issues of comic books should contain one story at the most or at least 3 to 4 different stories with a clear beginning, middle and end within the issue. That’s it. Nothing more. If a comic book writer wants to tell an epic story of the greatest super-hero team’s battle with, and attempt to understand the meaning of, the last god of the old world, then he/she/it should write a novel. Comic books are meant to be done-in-one. (6) No protégé is allowed to replace their mentor. Recently, Bruce Wayne – a.k.a. Batman – was blasted by a fallen evil god in issue 6 of the brilliant mini-series FINAL CRISIS. (There will be a subsequent entry about this masterful story….eventually) His charred corpse was recovered by Superman. In issue 7 of FINAL CRISIS it was revealed that Bruce Wayne (although this little black duck is not truly convinced that Bruce Wayne was wearing the Batsuit when struck by Darkseid, but I digress….) was actually displaced in time (a simplified version of what actually happened for the uninitiated) and is living in the Stone Age. A BATTLE FOR THE COWL (Batman’s cape and cowl) followed and in the vacuum left by the “death” of Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson, the former Robin, rose to fill the Cowl of his mentor. This has caused no end to the griping and whining about how no one can ever replace Bruce Wayne and blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, Dick Grayson IS NOT Batman. It goes on and on and on. So far, the main story featuring Dick Grayson as Batman in the new series BATMAN AND ROBIN, has been nothing short of brilliant. In spite of the brilliance of BATMAN AND ROBIN, there are still complaints abut Dick Grayson filling the Cowl of his mentor. (7) No character origin should ever be tweaked to fit into a modern setting. Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman were all created over 65 years ago. For a time, they were steeped in WWII stories. Their original origins – the details of the time, setting, etc. – do not work any more, just for the simple fact that is Batman first appeared in 1939ish, then his parents had to have been killed in the early 20s, which would make him a man (not a mutant, metahuman or post human) in his late 80s running around in a Batsuit. (8) There shall be no angst or depressed characters or characters who may lament the state of affairs of their life or surroundings. They must all be happy and well adjusted. This is self-explanatory. People just don’t like their characters to be anything but shiny, happy people. (9) Characters may not marry or procreate unless the creator of the character writes the story of the marriage or procreation. Within the last few years, it was revealed that Bruce Wayne fathered a son with the daughter of one of his greatest enemies and Clark and Lois adopted a wayward Kryptonian son. Both Damian Wayne and Chris Kent are reviled by a good number of comic book fans. I happen to love both Damian and Chris and find them to be extraordinary addition to their respective mythologies. There are also those who advocate a divorce for Lois and Clark. Even though Lois and Clark being married is the most natural progression for two characters in all of fiction. No two character have ever been made for each other more than Lois and Clark. You see, their creator never intended them to have children or to be married, etc, so therefore, no one should have contradicted this edict 70 years later. (10) It is wrong to kill characters off panel, but if you show them getting killed on panel, it is too violent and offensive. Therefore, do not kill off any characters. This is self-explanatory. Characters (not just comic book characters, but ALL characters in every medium) should never be killed off. Never. (11) If a writer has the skills to write in the fashion of a Golden Age comic book, then that is the only way it should be written. The Golden Age is the Age of Comic Books that ran from around 1938 through to the mid-50s. Yes, this period saw the creation of Superman and Batman and Wonder Woman, but the style from that time is too simplistic for me, but for some, there is nothing better than the Golden Age. If I want to read simplistic, one dimensional stories, I’ll go to www.msnbc.msn.com. (12) Never the twain shall meet – which means that every character appears in their own series (and ONLY in their own series) and SHALL NOT (ever) cross over with another character in either of their books. There is no such thing as a "shared comic book universe." Batman and Superman should never have met. Neither should Wonder Woman have ever met Batman and Superman. It goes on and on and on…. (13) There is no such thing as a multiverse. Parallel worlds should NEVER be part of a comic book universe. One life….one world….one love…go to Jamaica and be all right. (14) Horror should NEVER, EVER creep into a comic book. There should also be no blood, no vampires, no zombies and no ghouls, oh my! We should never even see a shadow creep up a wall. (15) "SUGGESTED FOR MATURE READERS" should never, Never, NEVER appear on, in, around, in front of, behind, on the side of, underneath, on top, sidled up next to, get up under, be within, without, above, below, here, there or anywhere within 500 feet of a comic book. DC Comics has an imprint called Vertigo. The history of Vertigo is a tad complex and if you Google it, you’ll find any number of sites with the history of the Vertigo imprint. For the sake of this entry and argument, let it be known that Vertigo comic books present stories that are mature in nature – adult language and situations (and this does include nudity, “foul” language and graphic violence) – but this also includes mature stories – stories that require the reader to think and challenges the reader. This type of storytelling should NEVER appear in a comic. (16) DC specific: showing any enthusiasm for DC Comics or its characters on the DC Comics message board is not proper message board etiquette. I love comic books. Everyone who knows me knows this. I love DC Comics. I get ridiculed for this, but I don’t care. I like what I like and I have problem letting the world know. (17) DC specific: when something (anything – be it a poorly received storyline or the failure of a series or not enough spoilers revealed in an interview or too many spoilers revealed in an interview or DC not attending a convention, etc.) goes WRONG at DC, blame it on DiDio. On the other hand, when something goes RIGHT at DC, give the credit for the success to everyone at DC BUT DiDio. Google the name “Dan DiDio” and read other blogs and posts about him and you’ll get the gist. (18) The Golden Age of Comics is the ONLY Age of Comics. Everything from the Golden Age of Comics – all the characterization, plot trappings, flappers, placement in history, clothing choices and styles, simplicity of story, gimmicks and the WWII settings – should be reinstated/instated in all current comics books regardless of the Comic Book Age in which the character was devised. These Golden Age tropes MUST be used to their fullest extent across all comic book lines. See Rule (11). (19) If a character stars in a comic with a generic title such as ACTION or ADVENTURE or DETECTIVE for more than one year, then that character is the ONLY character that can ever be the lead feature of said book. Corollary: No character is ever to be removed from the lead feature of their book for any reason. If the character is killed off or de-powered (which would contradict rules 4 and 10) or decides to retire (or the creator of that character retires [see rule 4] or dies), cancel the book. No one may supplant the lead in a book. Superman had been the lead character in ACTION COMICS since issue #1 (it is currently up to the 880s). Batman had been the lead in DETECTIVE COMICS from issue #27 (it is currently around the 860s). Both have Supes and Bats have recently been replaced as the leads in these books and to tell you the truth, both series (ACTION COMICS starring Nightwing and Flamebird and DETECTIVE COMICS staring Batwoman) are excellent!!! So the naysayers are just missing out on good comic books. (20) Reading an outline, a summary, a review, an annotation, an in depth analysis, the script or the solicits for a comic book, etc. (all of the above or just one of the selections) equates to actually reading the story or the comic book itself. This equality to actually reading the story or comic book entitles you to comment on the content of any story or comic book and is in some cases MORE insightful than reading the actual story or comic itself. This also means YOU have more insight into a story than the people who actually read the story. This is exactly how it reads. I’ve never watched the LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy, but I have read its Wikipedia entry. Does this make me an expert on the story? Nope. I would have to actually watch the films to claim to know anything about them other then their titles and who starred in them. Any questions? (21) If you express a desire for a character to remain true to his/her/its roots and her/his/its established traditions, you will be advised that you are stuck in the specific Age of Comics in which the character was conceived. See (4), (11) and (18). (22) DC Comics message boards specific: if a topic (any topic) can be linked to DC Comics within 6 Degrees of Separation, then the topic SHOULD BE considered ON–TOPIC for the DC Comics message boards. If a topic cannot be linked to DC Comics within 6 Degrees of Separation, then the topic(s) SHOULD BE considered OFF–TOPIC. Codicil: A quorum of tenured DC Comics message board users should be formed to determine if the topic that has exceeded Six Degrees of Separation should be considered ON–TOPIC. Google “six degrees of Kevin Bacon.” On the DC Comics message board, if you can link a topic within six degrees to a DC character of concept, it is on topic. (23) Revealing any genuine enthusiasm for anything – comic books, TV series, movies, novels, video games, etc. – will open you up to all kinds invectives being hurled at you. It is NOT mature or intelligent behavior to eagerly anticipate something. Therefore, do not reveal your enthusiasm. See (16). (24) DO NOT use exclamation points. It is not intelligent or mature to use exclamation points when showing enthusiasm for a story on a message board. See (23). Like Ms. Elaine Marie Benes, I like to use exclamations points!!! It’s in my nature!!! (25) More message board etiquette: DO NOT speculate on the outcome of a story. DO NOT share your conclusions as to the meaning behind a story. DO NOT reveal your theories as to what is actually happening in a story. DO NOT draw comparisons between one story and another story that happens to be from a different medium. DO NOT even attempt to apply the tropes of one medium (i.e. horror [slasher] films) to another (i.e. super-hero comic books). If you partake in any of the above, you will be ostracized and you will be bludgeoned with as many invectives as the filters on a message board will allow. This is fairly self-explanatory. (26) Every comic book story should spell every single aspect of the plot out explicitly. All points of the story, no matter how minute or inconsequential, MUST be shown on the page and in panel. Many fans, readers, perusers, etc., find it objectionable when an author asks of his/her/its readers to think while they read her/his/its staggering works of genius. Everything – E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G – must be spelled out in detail (from the length of the femme fatale’s fingernails to the exact time the sun set the night Bill and Sookie first met). (27) Comic book readers should NEVER be expected to reference other works, use search engines, access their own memories of their life experiences or their memories of prior stories read, etc. Comic books should NOT force the reader to use their cognitive skills, their intuition, their reasoning or any deduction skills. If the story requires any of the above, then the story IS a failure. See (26). Many authors throw little in nuggets of information (names, places, throwaway lines of dialogue, etc.) in the reader who has read other works by the author. Many find this objectionable. Many also object to the references to other works by the author or other authors on the grounds that it is not appropriate for a reader to have to go to (heaven forefend) the internet. God forbid someone has to look a word up in a dictionary!!! That’s just outrageous!!! (28) All comic books that [insert your name] enjoyed and continued to read at the time of his/her/its death shall cease publication when the death of [insert your name] is published in her/his/its obituary. Comic books are written specifically for [insert your name] and no one else, therefore those titles that it/she/he read should also become extinct. Yes, it is true. Some think that everything is made solely for them and when they go, so should some of their favorite things go. (29) The iteration of the character/team/series that I enjoyed the most is the ONLY iteration of the characters/team/series that is valid. All iterations that preceded or followed MY iteration are invalid and ill-conceived. MY iteration is the iteration that ALL subsequent writers/artists should use when/if they take over the series or are assigned to write for the character(s)/team(s), etc. Yes, it is true. “My team (or cast or group of performers) is the only team (or cast or group of performers).” You know what? Sammy Hagar was just as good as David Lee Roth. That's a fact.

Comic Book Rules....

2009-09-17T22:12:00.000-04:00

After reading the various message (mainly DC Comics' Message Boards) boards (i.e. people's comments and critiques and desires for what THEY want in comics) and reviews and blogs over the years, I have come up with some rules that, like Slasher films/stories, (should) govern super-hero comic books specifically and comic books in general: (1) Murderous villains are not allowed to murder. They are only allowed to scowl at the heroes and resent them for being heroic.

(2) Homosexual and female characters (regardless of ethnicity) should not be injured in any way, shape or form in a comic book.

(3) No characters (heroic or villainous) should be killed off if there is a small, but vocal, fan base.

(4) Characters must remain stagnant – there should be no forward motion in their characterization. The way their creators wrote them while they helmed the character is the way the character shall remain in perpetuity.

(5) NO MULTIPLE ISSUE ARCS.

All comic books should be episodic in nature with multiple done-in-one stories per issue.

(6) No protégé is allowed to replace her/his/its mentor.

(7) No character origin should ever be tweaked to fit into a modern setting.

(8) There shall be no angst or depressed characters or characters who may lament the state of affairs of their life or surroundings. They must all be happy and well adjusted.

(9) Characters may not marry or procreate unless the creator of the character writes the story of the marriage or procreation.

(10) It is wrong to kill characters off panel, but if you show them getting killed on panel, it is too violent and offensive. Therefore, do not kill off any characters.

(11) If a writer has the skills to write in the fashion of a Golden Age comic book, then that is the only way it should be written.

(12) Never the twain shall meet – which means that every character appears in their own series (and ONLY in their own series) and SHALL NOT (ever) cross over with another character in either of their books. There is no such thing as a "shared comic book universe."

(13) There is no such thing as a multiverse.

(14) Horror should NEVER, EVER creep into a comic book.

(15) "SUGGESTED FOR MATURE READERS" should never, Never, NEVER appear on, in, around, in front of, behind, on the side of, underneath, on top of, sidled up next to, get up under, be within, without, above, below, here, there or anywhere within 500 feet of a comic book.

(16) DC Comic specific: showing any enthusiasm for DC Comics or its characters on the DC Comics message board is not proper message board etiquette. (17) DC Comics specific: when something (anything – be it a poorly received storyline or the failure of a series or not enough spoilers revealed in an interview or too many spoilers revealed in an interview or DC not attending a convention, etc.) goes WRONG at DC, blame it on DiDio. On the other hand, when something goes RIGHT at DC, give the credit for the success to everyone at DC BUT DiDio. (18) The Golden Age of Comics is the ONLY Age of Comics. Everything from the Golden Age of Comics – all the characterization, plot trappings, flappers, placement in history, clothing choices and styles, simplicity of story, gimmicks and the WWII settings – should be reinstated/instated in all current comics books regardless of the Comic Book Age in which the character was devised. These Golden Age tropes MUST be used to their fullest extent across all comic book lines. (19) If a character stars in a comic with a generic title such as ACTION or ADVENTURE or DETECTIVE for more than one year, then that character is the ONLY character that can ever be the lead feature of said book. Corollary: No character is ever to be removed from the lead feature of their book for any reason. If the character is killed off or de-powered (which would contradict rules 4 and 10) or decides to retire (or the creator of that character retires [see rule 4] or dies), cancel the book. No one may supplant the lead in a book. (20) Reading an outline, a summary, a review, an annotation, an in depth analysis, the script or the solicits for a comic book, etc. (all of the above or just one of the selections) equates to actually reading the story or the comic book itself. This equality to actually reading the story or comic book entitles you to comment on the content of any story or comic book and is in some cases MORE insightful than reading the actual story or comic itself. This also means YOU have more insight into a story than the people who actually read the story. (21) If you express a desire for a character to remain true to his/her/its roots and her/his/its established traditions, you will be advised that you are stuck in the specific Age of Comics in which the character was conceived.

(22) DC Comics message boards specific: if a topic(s) (any topic(s)) can be linked to DC Comics within 6 Degrees of Separation, then the topic(s) SHOULD BE considered ON–TOPIC for the DC Comics message boards. If a topic cannot be linked to DC Comics within 6 Degrees of Separation, then the topic(s) SHOULD BE considered OFF–TOPIC. Codicil: A quorum of tenured DC Comics message board users should be formed to determine if the topic(s) that has exceeded Six Degrees of Separation should be considered ON–TOPIC.

(23) Revealing any genuine enthusiasm for anything – comic books, TV series, movies, novels, video games, etc. – will open you up to all kinds invectives being hurled at you. It is NOT mature or intelligent behavior to eagerly anticipate something. Therefore, do not reveal your enthusiasm.

(24) DO NOT use exclamation points. It is not intelligent or mature to use exclamation points when showing enthusiasm for a story on a message board.

(25) More message board etiquette: DO NOT speculate on the outcome of a story. DO NOT share your conclusions as to the meaning behind a story. DO NOT reveal your theories as to what is actually happening in a story. DO NOT draw comparisons between one story and another story that happens to be from a different medium. DO NOT even attempt to apply the tropes of one medium (i.e. horror [slasher] films) to another (i.e. super-hero comic books). If you partake in any of the above, you will be ostracized and you will be bludgeoned with as many invectives as the filters on a message board will allow.

(26) Every comic book story should spell every single aspect of the plot out explicitly. All points of the story, no matter how minute or inconsequential, MUST be shown on the page and in panel. (27) Comic book readers should NEVER be expected to reference other works, use search engines, access their own memories of their life experiences or their memories of prior stories read, etc. Comic books should NOT force the reader to use their cognitive skills, their intuition, their reasoning or any deduction skills. If the story requires any of the above, then the story IS a failure.

(28) All comic books that [insert your name] enjoyed and continued to read at the time of his/her/its death shall cease publication when the death of [insert your name] is published in her/his/its obituary. Comic books are written specifically for [insert your name] and no one else, therefore those titles that it/she/he read should also become extinct.