if i didn't have a sense of humor

When Granny Pants Were Cool

2017-02-22T20:58:00.001-07:00

I can state for fact that every woman reading this ad wishes these underwear were still popular.

Oh sure, when you’re young and thin, thongs and bikinis are fun. When you’re young, nothing bothers you, not even when your underwear try to kill you.

But as you reach your forties, you long for granny panties. Sure, they aren’t much to look at, but like a pair of comfy shoes, so are granny’s. Comfort is a wonderful thought.

Society has made granny’s unthinkable. Try finding a cute pair. You can’t. And they store them in the “Just My Size” section and put stupid little designs on them. They aren’t form-fitting either, just blousy. So we don’t get them.

But we want them.

We really, really want them.

Sorry men.

This Ain't Ladies Day!!

2016-10-03T22:30:00.000-06:00

Just another day at the office for Ralph and Marty.

Marty’s a little peeved because Ralph is strutting around the office in his underwear – just like he does on Ladies’ Day at the club.

You see, Ralph can’t help that Munsingwear undies glorify his manly figure! “Clings as snug as a bug in a rug!” he shouts, while Marty stands helplessly in his Unionsuit.

“Hey! My one piece is just as light and cool and snug as your undies, and protects me from drafts as well!”

Yeah, drafts like World War II had, Marty. 4F, right?

Both, however, agree on the real reason they love their Munsingwear undies.

“It’s the stretchy seat! The seat alone is worth the price of admission!” (Evidently, there is an amusement park in them there undies.)

“What a pleasure when I crouch in these!!” “Yeah? Well MINE don’t creep!”

Stretchy seat, snug fit…no creeping….well, these are all reasons men should stand around in their skivvies discussing their underwear.

It’s very manly.

“Here Ralph, catch my ball! We’re both safe with Munsingwear!”

We Came For The Women

2016-10-03T22:18:00.004-06:00

Jack, Stu, Arnie and Ralph.

They work for Interpol.

They work hard. They sweat.

Four men. Eight armpits. Four crotches. Probably one with back hair.

Four suits that “take the heat off”. No matter what situation they get in, the suits are breathable, and they’ll look crisp and sexy in their Burton suits when they track down Pussy Galore.

I’m not sure what the sunglasses are supposed to do.

It's the Little Things

2013-10-28T14:34:00.000-06:00

Mom and dad are pretty psyched.

They just remodeled the kitchen and got all matchy-matchy on the appliances.

You see, Frigidaire sold them on the idea of making the kitchen the "happy hub" of their home. "Just start with one appliance" says Frigidaire, "then add..."

Soon with Helen and Bob, it became all consuming. You see, they really wanted that hub where they could see each other at all times. The "kitchen ideas" of "harmonizing" were just too hard to resist.

Now that they've fulfilled the dream of having all of their appliances match, they are going to take a class on how to actually use them together. See, Bob is pouring an iced tea from the freezer, Helen is baking something (see counter) but is putting it in the dryer and COULD SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE THE BABY A TOY? Nothing like a little "here are some toys, but we'll put you in this contraption so you can't reach any and we'll ignore you while you cry".

Bob and Helen enjoy their new appliances. Just not each other.

Back By Some Sort of Popular Demand

2013-10-08T16:20:00.000-06:00

*********
Okay, I was feeling sorry for myself.

I'm back.
You may throw tomatoes.
*********

What you are about to read is true.

Guys don't make passes at girls with fat asses.

Seriously, we mean it.

Or poochie tummies or thunder thighs. Men prefer women to be delicate little creatures, with no heartiness to them at all.

You see, should you be able to mow the back 40, or tend the oxen while furring the rows, you will be completely and utterly unattractive to the male being. Those kind of "women" work on farms and raise our food. You do NOT want to be one of "those" kind of women.

And get rid of those glasses, for heaven's sake! They don't make passes at girls that wear glasses either!

Men prefer that you stretch, bend or improve your bosom and your "leisure class bulges". Because he wouldn't marry a woman without money either! So make sure you have an ample dowry too. What's that old saying - it's as easy to marry a rich girl than a poor one? Yeah, he's looking for that.

They have this equipment at Pretty Body, and you KNOW you want to use it, because nothing says "small ass" like Toastmaster!

Honestly, you are there to be an ornament, nothing more. You are a vessel for his entertainment, and that alone should be enough for you.

When you're lounging at home, make sure you have this on (but of course, not when he's anywhere around.

Why, you really shouldn't be doing anything other than pointing to a dress (DON'T speak, for goodness sake!) and making an affirmative motion with your face (must be pretty and slim) only, and let the hired help fetch that for you.

Being thin and beautiful is EVERYTHING.

EVERYTHING.

Now, doesn't it make you feel good to know that Pretty Body is now an empty, abandoned wig store? I'll bet it does.

I'm off for a hot fudge sundae. Any takers?

I Wish

2013-10-07T21:33:00.002-06:00

And We're Back (and apparently psychotic)

2013-08-06T13:34:00.001-06:00

Say du MAURIER.

Say it, dammit! du MAURIER.

Because apparently, Martha believes she's smoking one.

Martha has had "issues" since that party over at the Merriweather's. Seems her husband Ralph DOES like a second cup of coffee. Since then, Martha has shown her true crazy.

Sure, she looks pretty, but Ralph knows those eyes pretty well after bailing them out of jail enough. "Never sleep with crazy", his friends told him and how he wished he'd listened.

Ever since the "snap" though, Martha has been content to pose around the house with her fingers in the air. Ralph occasionally blows smoke in her direction so she will think she actually has a lit one in her hand. It is kind of odd how the "du MAURIER" words kind of hang in the air by her hand, but Ralph just attributes that to the spells she sometimes casts when she's with her "friends". It doesn't bother him much any more.

Now, if he could just get her out of this "red" phase...

ED NOTE: Thanks for sticking around during my "hiatus". It's appreciated.

So God Made A Dog

2013-06-26T20:13:00.002-06:00

And On the ninth day God looked down on his wide eyed children and said “they need a companion."

So God made a dog.

God said:

“I need somebody willing to wake up give kisses, pee on a tree, sleep all day, wake up again, give more kisses. Then stay up until midnight basking in the glow of the television set.”

So God made a dog.

God said:

“I need somebody willing to sit, then stay, then roll over, then with no ego or complaint dress in hats they don’t need and costumes they don’t understand. I need somebody who can break wind without a first care or a second thought, who can chase tails, sniff crotches, fetch sticks and lift spirits with a lick. Somebody who no matter what you didn’t do or couldn’t take or didn’t win or couldn’t make will love you without judgement just the same.”

So God made a dog.

God said:

“I need somebody strong enough to pull sleds and find bombs, yet gentle enough to love babies and lead the blind. Somebody who will spend all day on a couch with a resting head and supportive eyes to lift the spirits of a broken heart.”

So God made a dog.

It had to be somebody who’d remain patient and loyal even through loneliness, somebody to care and cuddle, snuggle and nuzzle and cheer and charm and snore and slobber and eat the trash and chase the squirrels.

Somebody who would bring a family together with the selflessness of an open heart.

Somebody who would bark and then pant and then reply with rapid wag of tail when their best friend says let’s go for a ride in the car.

So God made a dog.

Published Again!

2013-06-07T12:08:00.000-06:00

Sorry I've been MIA.

Between not feeling like blogging and life itself, I've just been remiss. However, I am published again. Check out my article in Bonnie Magazine. It's a local "town" magazine.

You can also see it online at readbonnie.com.

The Most Underrated Joys of Being Single

2013-04-23T16:01:00.001-06:00

My Little Spy

2013-04-22T09:38:00.002-06:00

He could do this all day.

When Housework is More Important Than You Are

2013-04-17T12:29:00.001-06:00

Didn't you know that housework is waaaaaay more important than you are?

She has the "early morning dumps", or rather, she DOESN'T have the early morning dumps or her hubby wouldn't be handing her a laxative.

A "sparkling, refreshing glass of Sal-Hepatica"!

Taken first thing in the morning, usually works within an hour (imagine the stomach cramps during that 60 minutes!) and you're on your feet teaching your daughter the proper way to clean! (Although she's holding the broom at "poke you in the gut" fashion, which kind of matches her daughter's "beat you over the head" stance.)

Never let your husband or your housework down again. Every morning, jump up and have a sparkling glass of Hepatica and your "early morning dumps" will run smoothly.

Run smoothly. Heh.

Power of the Paw for Dutch

2013-04-10T09:25:00.002-06:00

Our friends at The Daily Puglet had the emergency we owners of big dogs all fear...

Dutch and his mom were flying to the East coast when Dutch developed bloat. Fortunately, he was at the emergency vet within an hour of landing the plane and went directly into surgery.

Right now, he is alive and recovering, but the next 24 hours are critical. Please visit their blog and send your good thoughts to Dutch, Puglet and their mom.

Goodbye, Annette. Screw You, Multiple Sclerosis!

2013-04-08T12:08:00.000-06:00

Wordless Wednesday

2013-04-03T17:32:00.002-06:00

Nervous breakdown in 3, 2, 1...

2013-04-02T17:52:00.000-06:00

As if I weren't depressed enough -

I'm going home from work and watch some asshole run right over the back of a duck crossing the street with two other males and a female.

I'm trying to pull over to pick it up as it's laying in the street, trying to use its wings to get away. Another male duck went over to it to try to help it.

Before I could even pull over, another asshole (who had plain view btw) runs over it and kills it, barely missing the other one.

I haven't stopped crying. Yes, it's "just a duck", but you watch that happen. If only I could have gotten there faster.

My life is at such a stand-still right now, I'm barely keeping my sanity above water. I just want to go find a hole and crawl in it.

Godspeed little duck. At least you didn't suffer long.

Happy April Fool's Day!

2013-04-01T09:12:00.003-06:00

Happy Easter!

2013-03-29T09:43:00.001-06:00

If you're going to celebrate, celebrate big.

Puddles and Pip 'Preciation Day

2013-03-15T09:48:00.000-06:00

Goodness, why haven't we done this sooner?

I have ALWAYS appreciated Puddles and Pip for the good times they bring us in this crazy, not so nice world.

We've watched them doing what they do best:

Getting stoned

Traveling

Stealing cars

Spreading joy, not hate

Don't stop. We love you!

Shining on

We Must, We Must, We Must Improve Our Bust!

2013-03-07T12:40:00.000-07:00

When I was a girl, these ads were rampant in just about every magazine you picked up.

If you weren't already feeling let down by what nature gave you, these ads would surely send you to the med cabinet in search of something to take away the pain.

There were boobie creams and suction devices and all sorts of wonderous bosom enhancing devices on the market.

Of course, they all worked, seeing all the ample chested girls today, right?

If you look closely at the ad, however, you are increasing your girth, not your assets. From a 34A to a 37A just means it's harder to buy a bra. Trust me, you don't want that band number increasing. You get into some interesting "bullet proof vest" looking bras. They scare my dogs, and double for hats during the winter.

If you have a tiny chest (lucky you!), just remember what mama told you. Chest out, shoulders back! Don't slouch!

Quit slouching!!

And be damned grateful your cha cha's are tiny and not hanging down near your belly button.

Because they will, they will.

Rest In Peace, Baby Brain

2013-03-06T11:38:00.001-07:00

Brain was rescued from living in a bird cage. He suffered from hydro encephalitis and his adoptive mom did everything under the sun for him.

Yesterday, after becoming weak and listless, Brain's head swelled from the fluid build up and he died en route to the vet.

Brain was an awesome little dude and will be very missed. He knew true love for almost two years. Godspeed.

http://m.facebook.com/pages/Baby-Brain/279255642087754?id=279255642087754&refsrc=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FBaby-Brain%2F279255642087754&_rdr

Who's a Good Boyfriend! Yes You Are! Yes You Are!

2013-02-28T13:03:00.001-07:00

New McDonalds Fish McBites

2013-02-26T17:55:00.001-07:00

Just say no.

Happy President's Day!

2013-02-18T13:10:00.004-07:00

Celebrate with a hatchet!!

Just Another Thing to Fear

2013-02-15T08:37:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while when I wear a dress, I get a tingly feeling in my legs. All this time I thought maybe I hadn't shaved my legs well enough (and little hairs were catching), or that my legs were starting to fall asleep.

Little did I know that as I sweated nervously in those interviews, my stockings were being eaten by my own "acid perspiration".

I KNOW!!!

Had I been armed with this knowledge earlier in life, I could have save myself a ton of nylons! I mean, WHO KNEW??? I would have sprayed my legs with antiperspirant; I would have swished them in the sink immediately after I pulled them off...I would have treated them with the respect I now know I didn't. And according to Ivory Snow, it would have only taken me THREE seconds to do this!!

I'm so ashamed.

Take my advice and save yourself from needless stocking murder. Wash your unmentionables RIGHT NOW!!