if i didn't have a sense of humor

The Most Underrated Joys of Being Single

2013-04-23T15:01:00.001-07:00

My Little Spy

2013-04-22T08:38:00.002-07:00

He could do this all day.

This Town is FRUSTRATING!

2013-04-17T17:09:00.000-07:00

I've been an executive assistant for almost 25 years.

Today I was told by a prospective employer that I didn't have skills for the job.

This is what I have been up against since I moved back. In Los Angeles, I was the bee's knee's. Everyone thought I was smart, capable and could do just about anything.

In Sacramento, I'm constantly confronted by people who think I can't do anything. My experience doesn't mean anything, I'm too "L.A.", whatever that means (I guess it means I'm too "city" for our cowtown). It's so very frustrating.

I'm truly beginning to believe in ageism. They love me on the phone; I show up, then never hear from them again. Yes, I'm going to be 52 this year. When did that become "old"?

So, I keep plugging away. Can't give up. But it's so hard!

When Housework is More Important Than You Are

2013-04-17T11:29:00.001-07:00

Didn't you know that housework is waaaaaay more important than you are?

She has the "early morning dumps", or rather, she DOESN'T have the early morning dumps or her hubby wouldn't be handing her a laxative.

A "sparkling, refreshing glass of Sal-Hepatica"!

Taken first thing in the morning, usually works within an hour (imagine the stomach cramps during that 60 minutes!) and you're on your feet teaching your daughter the proper way to clean! (Although she's holding the broom at "poke you in the gut" fashion, which kind of matches her daughter's "beat you over the head" stance.)

Never let your husband or your housework down again. Every morning, jump up and have a sparkling glass of Hepatica and your "early morning dumps" will run smoothly.

Run smoothly. Heh.

Power of the Paw for Dutch

2013-04-10T08:25:00.002-07:00

Our friends at The Daily Puglet had the emergency we owners of big dogs all fear...

Dutch and his mom were flying to the East coast when Dutch developed bloat. Fortunately, he was at the emergency vet within an hour of landing the plane and went directly into surgery.

Right now, he is alive and recovering, but the next 24 hours are critical. Please visit their blog and send your good thoughts to Dutch, Puglet and their mom.

Goodbye, Annette. Screw You, Multiple Sclerosis!

2013-04-08T11:08:00.000-07:00

Wordless Wednesday

2013-04-03T16:32:00.002-07:00

Nervous breakdown in 3, 2, 1...

2013-04-02T16:52:00.000-07:00

As if I weren't depressed enough -

I'm going home from work and watch some asshole run right over the back of a duck crossing the street with two other males and a female.

I'm trying to pull over to pick it up as it's laying in the street, trying to use its wings to get away. Another male duck went over to it to try to help it.

Before I could even pull over, another asshole (who had plain view btw) runs over it and kills it, barely missing the other one.

I haven't stopped crying. Yes, it's "just a duck", but you watch that happen. If only I could have gotten there faster.

My life is at such a stand-still right now, I'm barely keeping my sanity above water. I just want to go find a hole and crawl in it.

Godspeed little duck. At least you didn't suffer long.

Happy April Fool's Day!

2013-04-01T08:12:00.003-07:00

Happy Easter!

2013-03-29T08:43:00.001-07:00

If you're going to celebrate, celebrate big.

Puddles and Pip 'Preciation Day

2013-03-15T08:48:00.000-07:00

Goodness, why haven't we done this sooner?

I have ALWAYS appreciated Puddles and Pip for the good times they bring us in this crazy, not so nice world.

We've watched them doing what they do best:

Getting stoned

Traveling

Stealing cars

Spreading joy, not hate

Don't stop. We love you!

Shining on

We Must, We Must, We Must Improve Our Bust!

2013-03-07T11:40:00.000-08:00

When I was a girl, these ads were rampant in just about every magazine you picked up.

If you weren't already feeling let down by what nature gave you, these ads would surely send you to the med cabinet in search of something to take away the pain.

There were boobie creams and suction devices and all sorts of wonderous bosom enhancing devices on the market.

Of course, they all worked, seeing all the ample chested girls today, right?

If you look closely at the ad, however, you are increasing your girth, not your assets. From a 34A to a 37A just means it's harder to buy a bra. Trust me, you don't want that band number increasing. You get into some interesting "bullet proof vest" looking bras. They scare my dogs, and double for hats during the winter.

If you have a tiny chest (lucky you!), just remember what mama told you. Chest out, shoulders back! Don't slouch!

Quit slouching!!

And be damned grateful your cha cha's are tiny and not hanging down near your belly button.

Because they will, they will.

Rest In Peace, Baby Brain

2013-03-06T10:38:00.001-08:00

Brain was rescued from living in a bird cage. He suffered from hydro encephalitis and his adoptive mom did everything under the sun for him.

Yesterday, after becoming weak and listless, Brain's head swelled from the fluid build up and he died en route to the vet.

Brain was an awesome little dude and will be very missed. He knew true love for almost two years. Godspeed.

http://m.facebook.com/pages/Baby-Brain/279255642087754?id=279255642087754&refsrc=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FBaby-Brain%2F279255642087754&_rdr

Who's a Good Boyfriend! Yes You Are! Yes You Are!

2013-02-28T12:03:00.001-08:00

New McDonalds Fish McBites

2013-02-26T16:55:00.001-08:00

Just say no.

Happy President's Day!

2013-02-18T12:10:00.004-08:00

Celebrate with a hatchet!!

Just Another Thing to Fear

2013-02-15T07:37:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while when I wear a dress, I get a tingly feeling in my legs. All this time I thought maybe I hadn't shaved my legs well enough (and little hairs were catching), or that my legs were starting to fall asleep.

Little did I know that as I sweated nervously in those interviews, my stockings were being eaten by my own "acid perspiration".

I KNOW!!!

Had I been armed with this knowledge earlier in life, I could have save myself a ton of nylons! I mean, WHO KNEW??? I would have sprayed my legs with antiperspirant; I would have swished them in the sink immediately after I pulled them off...I would have treated them with the respect I now know I didn't. And according to Ivory Snow, it would have only taken me THREE seconds to do this!!

I'm so ashamed.

Take my advice and save yourself from needless stocking murder. Wash your unmentionables RIGHT NOW!!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2013-02-14T07:53:00.000-08:00

We single girls need all the inspiration we can get.

So for Valentine's Day, I'm sending you a very hairy man in very tight underwear in hopes that your dream man will appear with flowers and candy (or whatever it is you really want), and show you the love you deserve today.

And if that fails you, here's a puppy.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Wordless Wednesday - Warm and Toasty

2013-02-13T10:07:00.001-08:00

At Last! The Perfect Bridal Gift!

2013-02-12T13:02:00.004-08:00

You know, I have spent and extraordinary amount of time searching for that perfect bridal shower gift when it was under my nose the entire time.

Why didn't I think of this?

It's perfect! Just a little tissue paper and a tiny box and you'll be the envy of every girl who could only think of stupid things like toasters and lingerie or money!

Why were we thinking of the bride anyway? We all know marriage is about pleasing the husband! HE wants the roast perfectly cooked. HE wants homemade candy. HE wants sex!

You see, when you stop caring about what the bride wants, gifting is easy!

Maybe I'll throw in a doll shaped toilet roll cover and be extravagant!

I'm so satisfied with myself!!

What My Man Likes

2013-02-08T07:35:00.000-08:00

You know honey, when a man says he likes something "unexpected now and then", he isn't talking about rice.

But she does have some interesting rice ideas, even though she looks like she couldn't find the kitchen with a map and bloodhound.

But that's not why he married her, is it?

The Unseen

2013-02-07T12:22:00.001-08:00

I'm not sure I want to know about "the unseen".

"Every watchful, never sleeping"...are they zombies? She does have something growing from her throat...

They want no glory, but are a part of "our land's destiny" (um, hello dictator).

She's a secret keeper, loyal and true to God, country and flag (but which one?). She wants to push the button and yell Victory, realizing that men must shed blood to give it to her.

Who is the Unseen?

Why, your local telephone operator, that's who. Doesn't this frighten you?

Wordless Wednesday

2013-02-06T07:03:00.004-08:00

Good or Bad?

2013-02-05T14:47:00.003-08:00

Good news! You make it in to Life Magazine!!

Bad news! It's because your parents make you wear a sign because you have worms.

I can't imagine this girl felt good about herself anytime after this published.

One eye done!

2013-02-04T08:14:00.001-08:00

Well, we're down to one eye to complete. Now all we need is to convince her that hearing aids are a plus, and they don't make you look "old".

She's 85 for goodness sake! She IS old!!

This went fast and turned out well. She is very happy that she can "really see well" out of that eye. The next one is in March.

As for me....