if i didn't have a sense of humor

A New Series Just For YOU!

2012-02-08T19:24:00.001-08:00

I have decided that we will start a new series that will teach you all the lessons in life that you didn’t learn in charm school. I mean really, we all cut classes at charm school, right?

First Seminar – why, it’s what every girl and boy need to know.

HOW TO CORRECTLY MARRY, HONEYMOON AND DEAL WITH WHAT FOLLOWS

If you have any physical ailment or infirmity…or have any doubt about applying, to your particular case, the principals laid down in this seminar…be sure to submit it to your doctor.

You big chicken.

Okay, let’s pull up a chair and let’s talk about a bride-to-be. Screw the husband to be, because this is all about YOU, baby.

The synopsis of our course was written by our High Potentate, Joe Bonomo. No, not BoNaNo, BoNoMo. They’re cousins, but honest, Joe is not a made man.

Really.

Please believe me.

In order for you to come prepared to the class, I have posted the outline. Please bring number 2 pencils, lots of notebook paper and get ready to be told what to do. Here’s the outline:

Later in the course, you will need: The engagement ring, a thesaurus, a calendar, money to buy the “suggested reading” books, money for announcements, thank you cards, a reference file and newspaper society ads, your veil and gown, makeup and hairdresser and unless your parents are providing cash for the wedding, the cake, the informal reception,the formal reception and the honeymoon.

You’ll need to get your friends prepared to pony up for your household trousseau and furnishings, honeymoon clothes and personal trousseau, presents, and anything else you desire (don’t worry, we provide lists for your convenience).

Even later in the course, we’ll tell you all about the religious rituals, the vows, the fourth, third, second and last week before your wedding, an hourly schedule for your wedding day and then what to do once you begin your new life (i.e., sex).

Can’t wait to see you there!

How Old Time Celebrities Handled Their Fans

2012-02-07T17:38:00.001-08:00

They did it with PUDDING!

Yes, Kate Smith was a tremendous singer, with fans that adored her. One special fan got to go to her dressing room and share “supper” with her.

Mom and Dad had to wait outside. Sparky got to stay.

And here it is!! A bowl of pudding big enough to serve 12, one cup of “Sanka coffee” – wait, isn’t Sanka NOT coffee?And sorry, Sally…no drink for you!

My, sharing pudding with your favorite singer. It’s like a dream come true, isn’t it?

But First, A Request

2012-02-06T19:24:00.001-08:00

Hi everyone!

I’m feeling much better, thanks to all your good wishes.

I’d like to ask a favor.

I am circulating a chip in for one of my high school friends who is completely disabled and can no longer work. Unfortunately, her husband has been disabled and unable to work for a long time. Linda has had a pretty tough life. She’s overcome alcoholism, and she has devoted herself to her church. She has had four back surgeries, each making her back even worse than before. She can’t do anything physical.

This is Linda with a grandchild.

They moved into a mobile home to save money (they both live on Social Security).

I am trying to organize a painting party of my high school buddies (we all went to high school together) to do the painting, but we do need paint and supplies.

Could you pitch in a few dollars? I would like Linda to believe that people care in this world. I’d really appreciate it. The chipin is on the right.

I’ll be back tomorrow with my regular madness.

Thank you for considering.

I’ve been sick…again

2012-01-31T19:38:00.001-08:00

so I’ll post a dog enjoying his bath.

I’ll be back soon.

A Thought for Wednesday

2012-01-25T06:03:00.000-08:00

Go placidly
Amid the noise and waste.
And remember what comfort there may be
In owning a piece thereof.

Avoid quiet and passive persons
Unless you are in need of sleep.

Rotate your tires.

Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself
And heed well their advice,

Even though they be turkeys.

Know what to kiss.....and when!

Consider that two wrongs never make a right
But that THREE.........do.

Wherever possible, put people on hold.

Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer maintenance.

Remember the Pueblo.

Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mutilate.

Know yourself.
If you need help, call the FBI.

Exercise caution in your daily affairs,
Especially with those persons closest to you.
That lemon on your left, for instance.

Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls
Would scarcely get your feet wet.

Fall not in love therefore;
It will stick to your face.

Gracefully surrender the things of youth:
The birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan
And let not the sands of time
Get in your lunch.

Hire people with hooks.

For a good time call 606-4311;
Ask for "Ken."

Take heart amid the deepening gloom
That your dog is finally getting enough cheese.

And reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot
It could only be worse in Milwaukee.

You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not
The universe is laughing behind your back.

Therefore, make peace with your god
Whatever you conceive him to be---
Hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin.

With all its hopes, dreams, promises and urban renewal
The world continues to deteriorate.

GIVE UP!

-Deteriorata by Les Crane

OMG!! It’s Cream In A CAN!!!

2012-01-23T18:16:00.001-08:00

Millions of housewives stormed the stores last night when a new miracle product hit the shelves.

No more slaving over a cold bowl and using your arm muscles! No more chilling that can of evap to make mock cream.
NO LADIES, THIS IS A MIRACLE OF HUGE PROPORTION!!

That’ right!! It’s freaking CREAM IN A CAN!!!!

Never again will housewives suffer the slings and arrows of the bridge club over hard peaks! No under whipped cream – EVER! This amazingly whips itself!!

NO, IT’S TRUE!

Men LOVE the extra "glamour” that whipped cream gives to plain desserts, and we know our only job in life is to please that man!!!

Now shut up and eat that pudding!

Children rejoice! No cream failures!
No dishes to wash! Lots of servings!

I'm so stoned, this look great to me!

Lasts in your refrigerator for MONTHS!

Even the dog likes it!

HOW DID WE EVER DO WITHOUT THIS MIRACLE?

So, if you weren’t one of the millions of housewives who dashed to the store today, do it NOW! DO IT NOW!

That way, you can serve the kids Jello and pretend it’s a fancy DEE ZERT tonight!

Ranger Needs Our Help

2012-01-22T19:33:00.001-08:00

Ranger was unceremoniously dumped in a shelter in pain. This man took him to the vet and paid for emergency services – Ranger had 2 liters of fluid in his abdomen. Petey’s dad is also paying for the surgeries up front.

This was Ranger’s bowel when they opened him up. Can you imagine the pain he was in?

You can “Like” “Petey, the one-eyed Wonder” to follow Ranger on Facebook.
Ranger’s Chipin (Chipin is currently down, but I will post as soon as I can).
Vet Info if you would like to donate directly for Ranger North Scottsdale Animal Hospital 480-368-1741. Just let them know it is for Ranger...they all know him.

Three Out Of Four

2012-01-19T06:10:00.000-08:00

Have you tried Sunsweet prune juice?

It’s the ginchiest!

Three out of four women already know that the quality of sunny California prunes beat the daylights out of those New Jersey prunes!

Why, California soil is just mineral-laden – unlike any other soil in the universe. Vitamins A and G (G?), “minerals” for resistance and a “certain something” for helping you poop on a regular basis.

Insist on California Prune Juice! Three out of four women know it’s better. That fourth woman? Ah, she’s just a bitch who deserves a good shunning.

This Ain’t Ladies’ Day!!

2012-01-17T18:01:00.001-08:00

Just another day at the office for Ralph and Marty.

Marty’s a little peeved because Ralph is strutting around the office in his underwear – just like he does on Ladies’ Day at the club.

You see, Ralph can’t help that Munsingwear undies glorify his manly figure! “Clings as snug as a bug in a rug!” he shouts, while Marty stands helplessly in his Unionsuit.

“Hey! My one piece is just as light and cool and snug as your undies, and protects me from drafts as well!” Yeah, drafts like World War II had, Marty. 4F, right?

Both, however, agree on the real reason they love their Munsingwear undies. “It’s the stretchy seat! The seat alone is worth the price of admission!” (Evidently, there is an amusement park in them there undies.) “What a pleasure when I crouch in these!!” “Yeah? Well MINE don’t creep!”

Stretchy seat, snug fit…no creeping….well, these are all reasons men should stand around in their skivvies discussing their underwear. It’s very manly.

“Here Ralph, catch my ball! We’re both safe with Munsingwear!”

The Nose Knows

2012-01-12T18:11:00.001-08:00

When I hit junior high school, ALL the boys wore Jovan Musk Oil. I mean ALL. You’d go to a school basketball game and it wafted from the bleachers. It stuck to car seats, and it especially clung to 1970’s polyester.

Even today, if I smell it, it reminds me of CYO dances and running around with our little pack.

I wonder, though, how this ad could have related to them at all.

Was it the “testimonials”?

We’ve got the middle-aged black “sportsman”: “It hasn’t put more women in my life, but it’s put more life in my women…”

The college geek: “I hope they never stop making it, because I would” (stop making it with the girls, get it?”).

Your neighbor’s husband: “Ingrid said she’d give anything if I’d wear it…so I did...” (What did she give him??)

A porn dude (euphemistically called “the swinger”): “It turned my birthday into a terrific affair.”

and WHO THE HELL IS THE CREEPY BALD GUY? Sure, your secretary used to call you Mr. Hart and now she “just calls me”. Such a stereotype, schtupping your secretary.

Was it the tag line?

“We make it in Chicago, so you can “make it” anywhere in the world”.

All I can guess is that our young friends spent evenings looking at their fathers Playboy’s. Heck, I don’t care. I loved the stuff…still do.

But that bald guy – he’s just creepy.

Personal note: Sorry I’ve been MIA. Horrible stomach flu. Better now.

Hello...Is This Thing On?? Things I Don’t Understand

2012-01-05T17:25:00.001-08:00

I don’t understand.
First, these pigs have a real house, walk on their hind legs and use the bathroom. They brush their teeth.
Second, they are not offended in the least – in fact, dad would be outraged to find that his toothbrush made of pig bristles is not as good as a toothbrush made of nylon.
Why would a pig want to brush his teeth with another pig’s hair? How did this pig get a house? Does he work? At what? A show pig? A pig farmer? And where did the momma pig get that hair? Is she wearing a pig bristle wig – or is it nylon?
This disturbs me like the Borden cows with a house drinking milk. That’s cannibalism, isn’t it?
What disturbs me even more is the fact that people used to use pig bristles to brush their teeth! Did this make them hungry for pork chops? Did dogs follow them down streets?
I DON’T UNDERSTAND!!

I haven't had many visitors lately - I know there was a problem with my feed, but I'm feeling sad about it. I hope you're all still with me!

Werdless Wenzday

2012-01-04T17:16:00.001-08:00

Sissy and brudder….

I think Jeep got goosed…

Food to Frighten Children

2012-01-03T18:34:00.001-08:00

WHY??

This Recipe is For Puddles!

2012-01-01T18:22:00.001-08:00

Ever wonder what to do with dinner? I mean – around the house, you got nothin’. Piece of meat, bag of Frito’s. THINK, WOMAN!!

That’s right! Fritos veal roll with Fritos Potato Brownies!!

Stuff that meat with Fritos! Top those potatoes with Fritos!! Oh, and don’t forget the cheese sauce!

We’re storing sodium here folks!!

Oh, throw in a vegetable if you want to, it’s not mandatory.

Since this is now the New Year, RUN right out and get some Fritos so you can start your new year diet!

Remember that you MUST eat this while sitting on the sofa watching “Losing It with Jillian Michaels”, as that is the proper way to start the new year.

We’re Gonna Party Like It’s…Oh Heck, I’ll Be in Bed…

2011-12-30T18:17:00.001-08:00

Well, it’s the last day of the year.

Yesterday, it was January, and here it is…January again (almost). Man, once you hit your forties (I did…a decade ago), the time just FLIES. It seems like you plan to do things every year, and WHOOSH, the year is gone. This year, once again, I plan to lose weight, start exercising, maybe stop smoking (hell, I don’t hardly drink, don’t do drugs anymore…no sex…I gotta do SOMETHING), be nicer to people, try to deal with my situation with humor and keep helping animals.I hope that you all know how much I appreciate you, and how much fun it is for me to have all my blog friends all over the world. I just learn so much from all of you, and I am humbled at the kindness you show in tough times.Each of you has gone through something this year you wouldn’t want to repeat. You’ve also had joy. Try to remember the joy as life plays with you this year.

I pray that this year is good for all of us – that our animals stay healthy, that we stay healthy, that jobs will become abundant again and that our troops come home. I wish you nothing but joy and happiness in 2012, with all the butterflies and bubbles you can stand.My friends, I wish you a very happy New Year. May we have many, many more.

Well, Honestly…

2011-12-29T10:04:00.001-08:00

Eggs scrambled with Campbell’s soup obviously wasn’t disgusting enough for you, so we’ll move on.

Every party needs Jello, right?

How about Chicken Jello? Salad Jello? How about a Jello so disgusting that it has no name or recipe?

I know my party guest would love a combination of chicken, pimentos, pickles and mayo. The pink Jello appears to have chucks of coagulated blood in it, which is a perfect hangover recipe.

Let’s join it with…

Spaghetti with mayonnaise!

That’s correct! Since we have chicken and pimento available, let’s cook up some noodles and mix them with the above, plus some garlic salt, swiss cheese and almonds. YUM!

Not enough?

Let’s go for the kicker….

High-Hat Tuna Souffle!!

More pimento, more creamed soup and canned tuna!

Imagine that you could use any canned fish you have laying around – say mackeral, herring – and ooh…so yummy.

So, as your New Year party approaches, remember to have in your pantry the staples to make these dinners: pimento, creamed soup, pickles, Jello and spaghetti.

You can make ANYTHING with these simple items.

New Year Party Food – Aren’t You Eggcited?

2011-12-28T15:33:00.001-08:00

Well now, we all know that throwing a party can be expensive. We can think two ways – throw the most expensive party on the block (and be expected to do it every year the same way), or do it up cheap so someone else will have that mess to clean up.

We’re doing it cheap!

Since your guests will be drinking their BYOB (What? Yes, part of throwing a cheap party is making them bring their own booze), they won’t be that hungry. This is good, because these recipes are designed for people who just aren’t that hungry.

First, your 42 cent meal:

Whip up some egg whites, spread them on buttered bread. Crack an egg in them and bake. One loaf of bread and a couple dozen eggs…that’s a party under $5, if you shop at WalMart.

Next: That’s right, Campbelled Eggs! Take 8 eggs, a can of Cream of Chicken soup, a little dash of pepper, and you have a meal for four, eight if you serve it as an appetizer.

So there you have it – an entire party for under $10, excluding decorations, which you can make by hanging yarn all over the room. Woot! Happy New Year, huh??

Recipes to Make Your New Year Partiers Go Home

2011-12-27T16:15:00.001-08:00

It’s getting close to nine p.m. What to eat, what to eat?

Your guest have probably been drinking a couple of hours now, so they really won’t notice what you give them.

THIS is the perfect appetizer recipe. It will tell you who to stop serving booze to immediately. If they eat it, remove their booze. They are obviously too impaired.

Ready?

I think the olive eyes are a lovely touch, don’t you?

Another reason why you want to sober up your friend is that if they continue to drink AND eat this…well, imagine driving the porcelain bus after eating this.

And don’t forget the mayo.

Recipes For Your New Year Party…

2011-12-26T17:01:00.001-08:00

We all know that throwing a New Year party can cost a fortune. People today have such expensive expectations.

Let’s take them down a notch, eh?

First, let’s serve burgers, but leave out the burger. That’s right, pile some lettuce on a bun, throw on a slice of onion, tomato and cheese and BAM! And don’t even use REAL cheese, use Velveeta, that wonderfully American sliced “pasteurized food product”. Oh, and don’t forget the mustard.

Oh – those two slices of liverwurst? They’re just for show.

Next, let’s make a “man-pleaser”, since all the women will have onion breath. Toast some whole wheat bread and smear it with mayonnaise and salmon salad, preferably from a can and not fresh, because salmon is expensive and canned salmon will fool EVERYONE. Top it with cucumbers and a slice of cheese. Any of the seven that Kraft makes – you know, the processed sliced stuff, not a good French cheese. Most of your friends wouldn’t understand the complexities of French cheese anyway.

Now dessert: All American Apple Pie. Make sure you use Velveeta with that too, not a nice Cheddar. Remember, we’re trying to get these people out of your house by 12:10 a.m.

Stay tuned for more “party” recipes for the New Year. You’ll be so excited to make these, I SWEAR.

Merry Christmas!!

2011-12-24T22:09:00.001-08:00

Hope you get everything you ever wanted!

And Now It’s Christmas…

2011-12-23T17:26:00.001-08:00

Flip the video below on while you read, seriously. My generation will remember what product this song was used for…

Merry Christmas

(or whatever season you celebrate…)

I’m off to finish last minute stuff like shopping…

Set up for the subtle undertones Christmas party…(really? Feeding her a weiner?? Subtle like a bat to the head..)

Hanging up the kissin’ mistle…

And then trolling the streets looking for love…

Before settling in to my old-fashioned parlor to wait for Santa.

Merry Christmas to each and every one of you, your pets, families and anyone else who needs a Merry Christmas.

May you make memories that will last a lifetime.

Deb Does Christmas

2011-12-21T19:37:00.001-08:00

Let’s all take a lesson from a Deb on how to prepare for a Christmas party…

First, make an appointment with a famous beauty expert. Make sure he has only one name and wears an ascot.

Then, get a facial and massage, but don’t actually allow them to touch you with their hands. They’re filthy beasts, these hired people.

Find a skilled expert to give you an exquisite hairdo. Remember, no hands touch your head, hair only.

Time for a rest from that busy morning. Have a drink. Have several. Go home with the guy that bought them for you. Make sure he wears gloves.

Get naked, shower. Gargle with mouthwash, but only if you want to be Completely Dainty. I sometimes only go Half-Dainty, as I find this to be challenging. Leave his apartment.

Go home and artistically, reapply your makeup. That is, if you’re an artist. Otherwise, consult experts or you’ll look like a clown in heat. But don’t let them touch you with their hands.

Waltz gaily dressed in a lovely gown and be “piquante”. (pi·quant [pee-kuhnt,-kahnt,pee-kahnt], adjective, Synonyms: 1. spicy. 2. intriguing. 3. sharp, clever. Antonyms: 1. insipid.)

And now, the big moment (santa’s here? her debut? he proposed? she has gas? STD? what the hell?)…thank goodness she used mouthwash, for it appears to have worked for whatever it is she needs to wear that ridiculous headpiece for.

And now, well armed with information, enjoy your Christmas party!! Remember – NO TOUCHING!

Christmas Hair

2011-12-19T19:10:00.001-08:00

Because that hairstyle looks about as natural as our aluminum Christmas tree.

And I think the stylist was more concerned about his pose than he was about which color Clairol shampoo to use.

Natural in the 60s meant “let’s burn a hole in the ozone layer big enough to get the astronauts through”.

Celebrate Christmas by making a hair helmet. If you do, please, send pictures.

PS: I gotta say that the dog community in Blogland is amazing!! Over 6 grand collected so far for the Pittie Pack. YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME!!!

A Horrible Day in Blogland

2011-12-16T16:50:00.001-08:00

Since I can’t post until evening anymore, I’m sure you all heard about the devastating house fire involving the Houston Pittie Pack. The humans and Brinks and Bella were able to get out, but Shelby, Guero, Coco Chanel, Lucky, and Tiger crossed to the bridge. I know I’m not sure I could go on after such a loss.

Then on Facebook, Chopper the Biker Dog went missing. At first it was thought he was taken, but fortunately an hour or so later, he was found “just visiting”.

A friends dog got out last week and tomorrow, bloodhounds and a detective have been hired to find her where she was last seen.

I don’t think I’ve cried this much in a long time.

A chip in was set up for the Pittie Pack, and has already ~~twice~~ three times exceeded the limit. Keep it going, won’t you? Over on your right.

There’s one for my friend too.

My heart is very sad today.

Has the Season Given you Housewife Headache?

2011-12-13T18:29:00.001-08:00

Been busy shopping? Wrapping presents? Baking cookies for Buddy’s class? Making dinner? Taking Sally to soccer practice? Servicing the husband?

Doing the same dang thing day after day after day? Looking fondly at the wine bottle?

You have “Housewife Headache”!!

Yes, you busy mothers just let that tension build until your head nearly explodes. What’s wrong with you anyway? You have kids…make them do it.

Sit down, take an aspirin.

Or a Valium. Or both.

But carry on, my dear housewife…carry on.