Escape from Obesity

Binge Eating Disorder: Cured

2012-01-29T16:20:00.000-08:00

My eating disorder is a thing. It is something almost tangible, that I can see and hold and throw at the walls. It is something I love and hate and grab onto, clutching in desperation at times for comfort. It is something I despise and cherish and hate and want to be free of, that has served me and tortured me and accompanied me through the last decade of my life.

I did have an eating disorder. I always wondered what was wrong with me that I could sit and zone out and eat more than a whole day's worth of food in one, fifteen-minute sitting. I wondered why I kept doing it even though I felt guilty, I wanted to stop, I made myself sick, and I was gaining weight at an astounding pace. I let my eating disorder imprison me in morbid obesity for a long time.

My eating disorder became clearer to me as I lost weight. It sometimes looked like a raging monster, one that was biting me on the arms and terrifying me as I tried to get it away from me, all the while embracing it and trying to tame it into some kind of loyal pet. I tried so hard to turn that terrifying, ugly monster into something kinder and calmer and more domesticated. But it always seemed I ended up getting bit, crying and bleeding and wishing I could somehow let it go.

I tried calling exterminators. Therapists, doctors, experts who I thought might be able to slay the beast that I seemed unable to kill on my own. In my head I was cornered, frightened, ever waiting for the next monstrous attack with the razor-sharp teeth and claws that would leave me once again crying and bleeding and bandaging my wounds. And then again I'd try to befriend it, to tame it, to tentatively reach out and understand it, and it would bite me again. I could not be rid of the monster.

Over time, I have finally come to understand that my vision was clouded. I was imagining that monster. It was my own fears come to life in my mind... my idea that my eating disorder was something I could not understand, comprehend, or conquer. It was an outside force, an entity like the demons I feared as a child, that did things *to* me. It took hold of me in its jaws and shook, shook, shook, until I went limp like a rag doll and ate and ate until I could eat no more. It was the only way to appease the monster. Eat. Do its bidding. Only then would its jaws open and it would slink away, leaving me once again wounded and shaking and trying to heal. Trying to be free.

All this time, I was wrong. My eating disorder was not a monster. It never was. I was seeing it through my own fears and bleak hopelessness that surrounds those who suffer, imagine it a monster, and think they can never be free.

It is not a monster. I see it clearly now. My eating disorder is a teddy bear.

It's a brown, soft, fluffy teddy bear. It has no teeth or claws; it has no demon-eyes. It is gentle and comforting and I, myself, chose to reach out and embrace it. It never cornered me or threatened me or caused my wounds. I caused them myself, with my own imaginations and beliefs and actions.

When I was upset, I took the comfort of the bear. Comfort was what I wanted all along. I think sometimes I was trying to punish myself by imagining it a monster. But it had no life of its own, either way; it was just a silly stuffed animal with no power over me. When I was lonely, I reached for it. When I was sad, or happy, or overwhelmed, I put my hand out and touched the soft fur and hugged it near me. My eating disorder has served a purpose all along. I used it to help myself cope. I used it to shut out the world. I buried my face in its softness and closed my eyes and the world disappeared for a bit. It was my own mind that let that teddy bear morph into a flesh-shredding monster to be feared. It was my own sense of helplessness that left me feeling like a victim after every binge.

It's been a long time since I took the bear off its shelf and embraced it. It was even getting a bit dusty over there, but I knew I still had it. I just didn't need it so much lately. This week the bear came off the shelf and into my arms for awhile. This time, there was no fear. There was no fright that it *could be* a monster, that it *could* hurt me. It couldn't. For the first time, I saw it for what it truly is. And I was not afraid.

I've had the bear on the shelf for a long time now. Each time I get it down, it is less threatening and I feel so much less attached to it. Like a child maturing into adulthood, I remember the times when I thought I really *needed* my bear to get by, but then life calls and I forget and it takes up less space in my mind. I sleep without it, I go on coping in different ways. The bear sits on the shelf longer and longer until the grown-up takes it down one last time and then stuffs it into a trunk or a box in the attic.

People like to tell me I need a therapist or a specialist or a psychiatrist to help me tame this thing, this eating disorder, as if it is a monster I cannot deal with alone. If you've read my blog for long, you know I don't buy it. I have spent plenty of time with counselors in the past, and while there have been some good insights, none of them truly helped me erase my self-destructive behaviors. I talked to a counselor last month on the phone for an hour, and while I got some great tips on how to re-frame my idea of weight-loss success and my reasons for wanting to lose weight, I don't think it gave me any new insights into my actual reasons or drivers for eating. Nor do I believe any counselor or specialist could give me more insight than I have had on my own in four years of self-examination, introspection, and working through the mental side of binge eating. That's not to discount specialists in general; I just believe that I am the ultimate specialist in *myself.* I have made it my business to become the expert in my own behaviors. I won't ever understand everything, but I have a pretty good grip on why I do what I do. And I absolutely reject the assertion that I can not be free of an eating disorder without the help of some professional. I do not need therapy. Not for this, anyway.

Don't believe me? Don't think Binge Eating Disorder can be "cured" without a therapist, on one's own? Don't think it can *ever* be cured? Think again. Because technically, I've already cured myself.

According to the DSM-V criteria for BED, it is characterized by 3 or more of the following:

■eating much more rapidly than normal,
■eating until feeling uncomfortably full,
■eating large amounts of food when not feeling physically hungry,
■eating alone because of feeling embarrassed by how much one is eating, and/or
■feeling disgusted with oneself, depressed, or very guilty afterward.

In addition, the binge eating must occur, on average, at least once a week for three months.

Four years ago, I *easily* met, not just 3, but all five of the above bulleted criteria for BED, and I had met these criteria for many years. I binged like that *definitely* more than once a week, and it went on for a decade.

And now? No. I no longer meet the official criteria for BED. My 'binge' this week DID involve eating large amounts when not hungry and eating until I was uncomfortably full. However it did not meet the other criteria, and even if it had, the frequency of my binges now (a few times a year) no longer allows me to be diagnosed with BED. This is addressed by the chair of the Eating Disorders Work Group for the DSM-V, who states, "the disorder is really a phenomenon of frequently eating an abnormal amount combined with feelings of shame, guilt, or disgust. The behavior is recurrent, and it feels wrong. It’s that combination of factors that distinguish it from the overeating that we all occasionally do” which distinguishes pathological behavior from the kind of periodic overeating in which many people indulge.

Periodic overeating is not an eating disorder. Having too much turkey at Thanksgiving, eating a dozen cookies at Christmas, or being sad and eating half a cheesecake does not make you someone who has an eating disorder. What I was doing four years ago... that was an eating disorder. What I am doing now? Nope, no longer diagnosable by any stretch of the imagination.

I technically am "cured" of BED, going by the books. I didn't need a therapist to do this. I did it myself.

I personally do not yet consider myself healed to the point of normalcy, regardless of what the experts and the books say. If I turn to food for comfort and overeat when I don't really want to, and that affects my weight, that is something I want to fix. It's no longer technically an eating disorder, but since it is a remnant of one, I consider it an extension of that old behavior, or wanting my teddy bear for comfort.

I don't really need it anymore. But let me stress to you that I HAD A DIAGNOSABLE EATING DISORDER AND I NO LONGER HAVE IT. It is NOT necessary in every case to get "professional help" to be free from binge eating. My "binges" do not even qualify as binges anymore. They are less frequent, less intense, and are not ridden with guilt like they used to be. In fact they border on the regular old garden variety overeating that anyone might do. I am freeing *myself* of the remnants of BED. It takes time, but I've been successful.

I've just begun reading Brain over Binge, and for the first time I am finding an author who agrees with me that binge eating is *not* all about some past trauma and we do not all need years of therapy to overcome it. The author bases her writing and recovery on another book, Rational Recovery, which I have not read but that has the same idea: we can free *ourselves* from addiction. I have felt this way throughout my journey. I have always rejected the OA concept of being "powerless over food". It is nice to see some authors who agree with me. It feels rather validating.

I am at the point now where my weight loss is actually no longer about BED, but about self-discipline and eating less calories than I am burning. It's about me being proactive with meal preparation and scheduled activity, and not giving in to eating cookies or pizza when I feel like it. It's about having the strength to turn my thoughts away from food and towards health and life and other, more important things. It is not easy, but it's also not some deep psychological issue. It's just some hard work, habit-breaking, knuckling down and focusing and getting it done.

I am not saying I won't falter or will never overeat or even that I am going to get to my goal weight. Who knows? I will work at it. We'll see where it gets me. But I am done living the BED life. I am not living in fear of the monster anymore, because there is no monster. And a teddy bear, while a childish crutch, is much more manageable than a monster. The monster is gone from my mind, the teddy bear is in the box in the attic. Maybe I'll get it out once in awhile in the future, but it just doesn't comfort me like it used to. Maybe I'll get rid of the box completely. I used to be afraid to get rid of my familiar old 'friend', but the thought of life without it is easier now. I admit that for a long time, once it lost its fearsome monsterness, I wanted to hang on to that old fluffy teddy bear, just in case. It was kind of comforting knowing it was there, even if I didn't plan to take it out and use it. Binge eating was an old familiar friend, and thinking about going without it made me nervous. I clung to it, or the idea of it, tenaciously. But lately, I just see it as a dusty old raggedy thing. I don't need that teddy bear anymore. I often think about just tossing it in the trash, leaving it behind forever.

In summary:

I had Binge Eating Disorder for many years. It felt like a scary monster to me.
I changed my habits, did some mental work, lost a bunch of weight.
My binges became less frequent and less intense as time passed.
A "binge" now is so infrequent, so much less food, and so much less distressing emotionally to me that it actually isn't classifiable as a binge at all. Rather, it's overeating, even with the remnant of 'binge planning' that was more habit than anything else, and didn't pan out in the end.
The monster that plagued and terrified me for so long is gone, replaced by a teddy bear that I sometimes feel like reaching out to for comfort.
I no longer feel scarred, traumatized, and guilty after overeating. I no longer fit the criteria for BED; I do not have an eating disorder anymore.
My issue now is not some deep psychological scarring or underlying emotional thing I need to 'deal with' in order to lose weight. It is not about my childhood or my failed marriage or my feelings of insecurity. My issue now is that I like to eat. Cake tastes good. I like hot dogs and Cheetos. End of story.
I will lose weight when I stop giving in to my desires to eat more than I should and the kinds of foods that make me want to eat more and more of them.

Empathy

2012-01-29T08:14:00.000-08:00

Happy (not) Sunday.

I feel sick, I am in a sour mood, my shoulder is quite painful, but at least I am back to eating on plan again.

I find that I tend to dwell and take things internally and let them stress me out, even when they are not things that affect me directly. I am the kind of person who reads some story of child abuse or neglect on CNN or hears about someone being harmed on the news and then I am sad for the rest of the day thinking about that poor child or family. I had to stop reading and watching the news because of it. I have an overload of empathy that reaches too far and is difficult for me to turn off, so I stick to the very limited local news, where very little 'horrible' happens. I don't watch much TV. I can't take crime shows... even fictional ones... because, to me, there is enough real suffering in this world, and watching fake suffering just reminds me of real suffering I have seen. I always want to fix everything and make everyone better and I can't always do that. I have to keep my circle smaller, so that I am not constantly overwhelmed with feelings of sadness and despair for others.

So when those in my little circle experience pain or loss, it deeply touches me. That includes online friends and it includes people we spend time with in real life. In the past month, two friends of mine have had to suffer their small children, my daughter's age, having cancer. My heart breaks for them, truly. I weep for their little ones. I hold my daughter tighter and am ever so grateful for her being well. I want to fix it for them but I can't. When a child dies it is tragic. Seeing a mother grieve is crushing. Helping my daughter make princess cards for her little friend who is beginning chemotherapy is bittersweet. No child should have to suffer so. And I know being supportive and praying is all I can do, but I still take it rather personally and internalize things terribly and let it all affect me, probably way too much.

So, that's where I am. Sad but trying to turn the sadness into action for the families involved, trying to separate myself from that sadness to enjoy the life we are so blessed to have.

I didn't weigh this morning; my eating was off for a couple days this week. I am back on track and will weigh on February 1 for my official monthly weigh-in. It would be nice to get below that stubborn 199.

Binge

2012-01-27T15:19:00.000-08:00

I am STRESSED OUT!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like it is almost surreal sometimes, all the crap I deal with, I dunno. I know I have a lot of blessings and I am trying to focus on that while dealing with the stressful stuff.

I was doing fine with my eating until yesterday when I just flat out decided I wanted to binge. How crazy is that? I know it's not good. It is a hard habit to break. I spent years bingeing at least weekly. Now I go for months, years even without a binge. I overeat sometimes, but it is not the same mindset or foods or calories. And yesterday I was just so frazzled, I said, "screw it, I am ordering pizza, and going to the store and buying whatever I want and I am damn well going to eat it ALL." I just did not care. I can't even remember the last time I did this.

So I went and picked up 3 pizzas for our dinner. I went in the store and bought the stupidest binge food ever: Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls. I mean, I used to eat those all. the. time. Little Debbie and Big Lyn were practically engaged at one point. But I can't remember the last time I had ANY of those Little Debbie things. Must be years ago. Somehow I just wanted to go back and experience eating a whole box of them, how I used to pick all the chocolate coating off first and then pry the cake roll apart and lick out the cream and then finally eat the cake, like some kind of weird ritual. I wanted to come home and eat 8 slices of pizza like I used to, and a bowl of chips (yes I bought chips) and some cookies my son made and some shortbread cookies (yes I bought shortbread cookies) and half a coconut cake (yes I bought a frozen, pre-made little coconut cake on sale for $2). I considered buying ice cream and lasagna too but stopped short because I didn't want my binge to run for more than a day. And I was only going to buy what I could polish off in ONE evening. I threw a couple candy bars in for good measure.

And you know what pissed me off SO bad? I sat down with my Diet Coke (yes I bought a diet Coke on top of all this sugary crap) and had one small slice of sausage pizza, and then one small slice of thin crust Hawaiian pizza.... and I was FULL. I mean stuffed full, and I was so pissed off because I wanted to eat more and more pizza but I physically could not. I knew if I waited a half hour I'd be able to eat again... but that didn't happen. In a half hour I was still full! And all this food is sitting here to be eaten and I was literally too full to eat it. I NEVER used to get full on a binge. I'd eat 5,000 calories and be *uncomfortable* but wait a half hour and could eat more. But that was years ago. Things have changed.

A couple hours later, the teens had eaten a bunch of the pizza and other stuff. I had a small bowl of chips and a Swiss Cake roll and a candy bar and then suddenly I felt SO SICK. Like, just sick as a dog. I thought, "why am I doing this to myself?" but at the same time part of me was raging mad because I wanted to REALLY binge, I mean, eat ALL the cake rolls and the cookies and the candy and the coconut cake and I COULD NOT. My body stopped me. I went to bed stuffed and mad that there was a cake in there I wanted to eat but was too sick to even taste, and realized it would take me a week to eat all this food and that was ridiculous. I woke up this morning with a splitting headache, sore throat, and mild nausea.

Now I won't lie. It's afternoon, and that dumb coconut cake is in there untouched but I still want to eat it. I had a sugar free latte today, a piece of pizza, some shortbread. I had a tuna sandwich for lunch and looked at the untouched coconut cake and just felt revolted. I am SICK of it, just SICK. I do not want anymore of any of it. I am done. I still have this weird feeling I need to try that cake. But I don't even want to LOOK at food anymore right now. It is just nauseating to think about it.

I think part of my mental process right now is this. I accept this is an issue I have... I may always have. It is important to me to not let myself slide back into a weekly/daily/monthly binge habit, but I don't hate myself for doing this. It is a weakness I have. I don't especially like it, but it isn't ruining my life like it used to. Maybe part of me *needed* this experience... I dunno. It wasn't as much fun as it used to be. It kind of sucked, actually. And I am glad my body said no. Good enough, back to regular eating tomorrow.

I do feel crappy from eating that stuff. Sore joints and headache and all. My stomach feels like it's full of lead. I'll be okay though. I have plenty of veggies and lean protein to get back to. I just hope the stress level lightens up soon.

Sorry

2012-01-25T09:27:00.000-08:00

Ugh!! I cannot get it together! I am sorry, but if you are doing the Superfoods Challenge with me can we just use this week to continue on with the first three Superfoods? Maybe try a new sidekick, a new recipe to share on BlogFrog? I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't mind. I feel bad because I made a commitment to post a new one each week but this week has just got me feeling like I just stepped out of the spin cycle on a washing machine. Please bear with me, I am really unable to write anything that takes much brainpower or time right now. But I promise there will be a new Superfoods post on Monday.

My daughter still seems okay but is just feeling kind of off, saying she "doesn't feel good" a lot but I just don't know what is going on. I have some meetings to go to for my son. My older dog is improving, although still incontinent; my pup's cut leg is not healing up right and I am wrapping her leg four or five times a day because when it gets wet it unwraps (when we go out to potty in the snow). I am trying something new today: colloidal silver on the wound before wrapping.

My eating went to Plan B yesterday, not on purpose but because we had so many errands to run that when we got home, it was late... I had a roast in the crockpot and mashed potatoes already made for the kids, and rolls, but no veggies made yet. I had planned to make mashed cauliflower. I was just too tired so I had extra roast and no veggies at all. Then I was hungry later and had some low fat cheese along with my Medifast meal. I could have had celery or something. Honestly I just didn't care at the point; I just wanted to eat something *not* carby, and get to bed.

Scale is still sitting at 199. I have 0 energy and a gazillion things to get done today and my shoulder has been giving me fits (a lot of pain, I think I may have to see the doctor on this one. No idea why it is hurting but I cannot lift things with it or raise it above shoulder level. I did slip and fall on the ice a few days ago but didn't notice anything then). I got some chicken breast and salad fixins to have for dinner and the kids are getting crockpot chicken and biscuits.

I am really sad right now, sorry I have nothing else for ya.

Dinner

2012-01-23T22:15:00.000-08:00

What a long day! sorry I didn't get the Superfoods Challenge up this morning, but I should have it up tomorrow. Tonight I went to a family birthday dinner at Outback. I always try to plan ahead and figure out what I am going to order before I go out to eat. Luckily, Outback has its nutrition information on its website. I usually get a Victoria fillet (6oz) with 2 sides of steamed veggies (broccoli and/or green beans and/or asparagus, no butter) or side salad, but today I felt more like having a big salad.

I chose a new item: Aussie Chicken Cobb Salad. I told them: grilled chicken, no croutons, blue cheese crumbles instead of shredded jack and cheddar, dressing on the side. It was supposed to have chopped hard boiled eggs in it as well, but I swear there was less than a teaspoon of teeny, tiny bits of egg in the whole salad. The blue cheese was maybe a tablespoon total, and I dipped my fork and used about a half tablespoon of dressing. The grilled chicken was AWESOME. Loved it. The greens were average and the cherry tomatoes very good. Oh, there were maybe 6 bacon bits in there too.

WITH all the cheese, eggs, and croutons, the nutrition listed for this salad is 509 calories, 49 g protein, 17g carbs, 27 g fat. What I ate was surely quite a bit less. I will probably stick with steak in the future at Outback unless I am not that hungry. It was okay but I can make a better, on-plan Cobb salad at home with 2 cups of greens, half a cup of cherry tomatoes/green onions, some avocado and blue cheese, and a grilled chicken breast.

That's all for now.

What's Going On

2012-01-23T14:52:00.000-08:00

Whew! Crisis mode over. Thank goodness ALL the stressy stuff has worked out well so far, and quickly!

Our elderly mini-dog started another medication today after our vet consulted with some other vets, and they think this should help him be less agitated and afraid. He has congestive heart failure and a bit of senility going on, so he already started Lasix for the coughing and now this new drug will help with the mental side and he should be happier and more comfortable. He doesn't have much longer, due to his heart, but we want to help him enjoy life until it is his time.

The pup cut her leg on the hard crusty ice that froze over the deep fluffy snow. The cut itself looked manageable yesterday but then apparently she licked it all night until it was a large, raw area of pink with no hair. Vet advised me to wrap it with "vet wrap" so I put ointment on it and now she has a pretty pink bandage-wrapped leg.

Hopefully she doesn't chew the bandage off. She eats everything.

Son is doing a little better with his issue, which, because of his age and privacy, I won't get into. But the stress level on that is lower as well.

Daughter saw the pediatrician and thank GOODNESS it is almost certainly pain from Precordial Catch Syndrome which is harmless. It is very scary when your child is having bad pains in their chest on the left side, especially when they've had to see a cardiologist before. I am so, so thankful this is nothing serious! The weight off my shoulders feels very real and I am in gratitude mode today!

Teeny Update

2012-01-23T09:43:00.000-08:00

Just a mini-post, as the Superfoods Challenge post will have to wait.

Heading to both the vet and the pediatrician this morning. Back in crisis mode, both dogs and two kids are having issues at the moment. Might also be taking my little girl back to the cardiologist depending on how this appointment goes and I am very nervous about that. She had been discharged from cardiology about 2 or 3 years ago. Stressed out, but coping. Back later.

Sunday Scale, and Nutrition at 900 Calories

2012-01-22T11:36:00.000-08:00

This morning I stepped on the scale and was quite relieved to see 199 pounds. It seems like it took FOREVER to get back out of the 200's. It was sometime in October that I bumped up over the 200 mark (from the 180's). I got all the way up to 214 in December, then dropped 13 pounds last month. Last week the scale said 200. So that's a 1 pound loss for this week, which is fine with me. I just started my cycle so I expect to lose a couple pounds this coming week.

A lot of people have expressed concern about my low calorie level (900-1000). I totally understand your worries. I know it is very hard to get proper nutrition in so few calories. However, I have done a lot of research, am being monitored by my doctor, have blood tests that back up my statements that I am not suffering nutritionally, and also have the approval of my gyn doctor who did my surgery for pre-cancerous cervical cells. I am due to see my regular doc again in about a month, and he is *very* meticulous about doing blood draws to make sure I am doing well. He checks for many things, very thoroughly, including nutritional status. I trust my doctor. I trust the blood tests. And if my doctor tells me to stop doing Medifast or to change anything else about my eating, I surely will. I, too, worry because I have been on (and off) this plan way longer than originally intended and I do not want to cause myself any health problems. This plan was created by cardiologists at Johns Hopkins University and thousands of people have had long term success with it. There IS a transition and maintenance plan for getting back to whole foods. I do feel like I am often defending my choice, but I think it is better for me to address the concerns (most of which I truly believe come from people who care about me) than to just ignore them. I hope that even if you don't agree with my choice, you at least understand where I am coming from and respect that it is not done in ignorance. I know a lot of you are relatively new to my blog and aren't aware of the things I have done, tried, and explained already, which is why I am hoping this clarifies it a bit (and if you want to fully understand where I am coming from, you'd need to go back and read my journey. I know some of you have.)

A third doctor, my orthopedic surgeon, has told me that I have GOT to get the weight off, as much as possible and as soon as possible, down to a BMI that is not overweight. Each pound I lose improves the chances of me having my mobility for longer. I need total knee replacements. The only reason I am still able to walk is because I lost 80 pounds, but being obese and/or quite overweight is damaging my joints daily. I hope to put off total knee replacements long enough that I might have an alternate, less invasive procedure on my knees, but the technology isn't quite there yet (getting there but not quite).

Believe me, this has been just as frustrating for me, at times, as well. My health and being there for my kids is of utmost importance for me, and trust me, I would never knowingly do anything to risk my health or harm my body. I am doing what I feel is best after much research. That said, I will also restate that I have no intention of doing Medifast forever, or even for another year. I have learned a lot on this plan about how to eat, cook, and enjoy meals based on a proper balance of lean protein/fresh veggies/healthy fat and that I don't need carby side dishes to have a complete meal. I have learned what my portions should look like, and that eating small, protein-rich meals every 2-3 hours helps keep my blood sugar stable and keeps the binge monster at bay. I've learned to deal with my feelings instead of stuffing them down. I am so, so thankful for all of this and I would not go back and erase any part of my journey, even though it is taking longer than I thought it would. I drew a line in the sand last month that if I was faltering and unable to stick to Medifast by March 1, I would go back to calorie counting (in a low carb state). I also decided that I need to be starting the Transition program by my birthday this summer, *if* I continue that long. I do want to transition properly, adding food groups back in slowly to see what effect they have on my cravings.

I am getting the proper amounts of protein, fats, carbs, fiber, and water. I get more than enough protein to protect my muscle mass from being used as fuel (research protein-sparing diets for more information on this). I am getting the correct amount of vitamins and minerals, the same as one gets from a good mulit-vitamin, from the Medifast food. I am getting nutrients and phytochemicals from the 1.5 to 3 cups of fresh vegetables I eat daily. Nothing essential is missing, here. The only thing in deficit is calories, and I have enough of those in my fat cells to make up the difference (and that is the point... calorie deficit = weight loss). Unless my extensive blood tests show that I am in some nutritional deficit (which so far they have not), I trust that my doctor is correct and I am, so far, improving my health rather than hurting it.

I know it is hard to get the 'tone' of typed words on the Internet, but I want you to know that while I am defending my choice in this post I am not feeling/writing in a *defensive* tone. I just felt like I should explain a little, because it is touching to me that so many people truly care and are worried about me. I am glad to have so many watching out for me and I value your feedback and I do consider all of it. I will keep you updated with what my doctor says and what the blood tests say as well. Thank you for letting me know what you think.

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

Saturday Log

2012-01-21T18:09:00.000-08:00

Boring, I know :) I will have some more interesting posts and recipes soon!

Today's intake:

5am: coffee w/sugar free creamer
8am: coffee w/sugar free creamer, Kay's Naturals Cinnamon Pretzels
10am: Medifast hot cocoa made w/1 tsp unsweetened cocoa and decaf coffee
noon: Medifast chili puffs, a slice of low fat cheese, and half a diet soda
1:00: decaf coffee w/sugar free creamer
3:00 very strange recipe that I may share later because it was pretty good, but it involved a cup of spaghetti squash and some eggs
6:00 Egg Beaters scrambled with turkey sausage and baby spinach, and a Medifast orange drink
8:30pm (planned): Medifast Dutch chocolate shake

Total stats for the day:
929 calories
94 g protein
92 g carbs
28% fat

This is all within the Medifast guidelines although generally I'd like to see higher protein and slightly lower carbs. We'll see what the scale says in the morning about that! Have a great night!

Friday Log and Chili for All

2012-01-20T16:34:00.000-08:00

Doing quite well today! My monthly cycle finally started and the hormonal irritability is gone. The bloat is leaving, too! Still have not gotten under that 200 mark, but maybe by Sunday. We'll see.

Today's intake:
7am: coffee, 1 Tbsp sugar free creamer
8am: another coffee, Kay's Naturals Cinnamon Pretzels
10am: Medifast hot cocoa made with decaf coffee and cinnamon
noon: Medifast Parmesan puffs and a Diet Rite soda
3pm: Medifast chocolate mint crunch bar and a cup of decaf French vanilla coffee with sugar free creamer
6pm: nice big bowl of homemade chili (see below)
8:30pm (planned): Medifast brownie

So I made some chili in the crockpot for the kids for dinner, and made a lower carb, Medifast-friendly version for myself. It is very easy to make meals that suit all of us. I just browned some extra lean ground beef, measured out 5 ounces for myself and put it in a small pan, and the put the rest of the beef into the crockpot. Into the crockpot went kidney beans, pinto beans, tomato sauce, and seasonings. Into the small pan went chopped mushrooms and celery (I would have used green peppers if I had any) and canned, diced tomatoes. I added chili powder to both batches, turned on the crockpot, and set my little pan aside. It is sitting there waiting and in about a half hour I will simmer it for a good long while with the lid on while I made cornbread for the kids.

*Edited to add stats for the day:

903 calories
110 g protein
88 g carbs
17% fat

Yes! This is right where I want to be.

Looking forward to a weekend enjoying the kids. Hope you have a good one!

I Used To Be Jealous

2012-01-19T19:45:00.000-08:00

I used to be jealous, but not in the way you might think.

Years ago, I used to covet whatever anyone else was eating. Even if it was a food I didn't like, if someone else had it, I got a strange desire to have it, too.

I wonder if it goes back to those times when my mother would sit in her recliner at home, eating from her 1- or 2-pound box of assorted chocolates or her chip bag, and I'd watch her for a bit, then ask if I could have some. She'd always give me this look like she thought I had a lot of nerve to ask her for some of *her* special food. Sometimes she'd give me a piece; whether she did or not, I always left feeling guilty and selfish for having asked.

I wonder if it goes back to being in college and only having a few dollars a week for food, drinking watered-down Cream of Wheat from a cup for breakfast every morning and eating Ramen for dinner most nights. I'd watch the other kids whose parents were paying for their college and sending them money, and I'd feel a bit of envy when they ordered a pizza or baked cookies or even actually cooked a meal in the kitchen.

I wonder if it goes back to those days when my small children and I ate only whatever the food bank had to offer, mainly days-old bakery items like sheet cakes and stale cookies and dry muffins. I was grateful for the dry beans and rice and cans of soup, but when I went to the store for a gallon of milk, I'd always stare at the mountains of food on the belt in the checkout line that the person in front of me was buying. I'd look at all that stuff I couldn't dream of having like cheese spreads and crackers and ice cream and meat, and I'd wonder if I would ever be able to afford to buy what I wanted to buy.

I think there is an underlying insecurity that maybe, just maybe it could happen again. Maybe 'tomorrow' I won't have the funds to buy a pizza or the ingredients for homemade macaroni and cheese, so I should do it now, while I can. Maybe 'tomorrow' restaurants will be off the table so I better enjoy it now. I think there is an underlying feeling of not wanting to once again be the one watching everyone else enjoy something yummy while I can't.

I don't like corn chips. Never have. I never understood how people can *like* Fritos. I hate the smell, the taste, the breath it gives you. Just yuck. Oh, I used to eat nachos sometimes. Anything tastes good with a pound of cheese and globs of guacamole and sour cream on them. But as a rule, corn chips never appealed to me. Then one day, I was chatting with a friend of mine. We were talking about what kinds of things we like as snacks. She said, "Oh, I love this certain brand of corn chips! They are sooo good! They are my guilty pleasure! I sit and have a bowl of them at night when the kids are asleep and they are such an indulgence!" And suddenly, strangely, I wanted those corn chips. For days afterwards I thought about them. I really just HAD to try them. I went to the store, found this special brand, bought them, and promptly ate half the bag myself. Of plain, ordinary corn chips.

WHY?

Because I was jealous. I had emotions without words, but if I had to translate them they would say:

Why should SHE get a guilty pleasure and I don't?
I want them if they are so good!
I deserve to have the best!
I want a guilty pleasure too!
I want to sit and enjoy those super yummy chips too!
I have to have them!

In the following years, I would sometimes find myself buying those stupid chips again, and thinking about how someone else thought they were so great and awesome so they must be great and awesome. And I'd eat them, almost willing myself to love them. But I don't really like corn chips.

I went to a friend's house once years back. We were chatting and our kids were playing. She poured us some coffee and she and our other friend started doling spoonfuls of sugar and hefty amounts of cream into their mugs. Her husband came home for lunch, and she gave him a three-layer sandwich on thick, homemade white bread slathered with mayonnaise and loaded with sliced cheese and ham. She casually placed some potato chips on his plate and handed him a Coke. Later, the kids were hungry and she pulled out some homemade cinnamon rolls covered in shiny frosting for their snack. And as I was leaving, she took some homemade cookie dough out of the fridge, plopping down spoonfuls on a cookie sheet to bake some fresh, hot chocolate chip cookies for after dinner. She licked the dough off the spoon and smiled.

WHY do 'other people' get to eat like this?
It isn't fair. She is thin, our other friend is thin, her husband is thin, and they appear not to have a care about food or diets or any of that. They just make what sounds good and have it. They don't agonize over the sugar in a cookie or wonder whether that Coke is going to make them gain a pound. They don't stress about the cookies or feel pressed to eat the whole batch. They just have their food... indulgent, delicious food... and it is just another simple pleasure in their lives. Not something to agonize over. Not something to worry about.
And because I had those thoughts, I immediately came home and baked 4 dozen chocolate chip cookies and ate 6 or 7 in a row and then planned my sandwich and Coke and chips for lunch the next day.

I used to be jealous, because I wanted what other people seem to have.

Not anymore.

I still want the foods sometimes, but I have become aware of the senseless desire to "have what she's having" simply because, well, I don't want to miss out.

I have realized that I am not missing out because I had spaghetti squash and chicken instead of pizza. I am not missing out because I played a game with my daughter instead of eating half a bowl of cookie dough. I am not missing out because I did NOT eat everything I wanted, but instead, found the discipline to lose and keep of this 80 pounds and turn my life from a prison into a dance of joy.

I have my rough days, I have my down days. But when I stop and look at what has happened to me in the past four years, I am amazed. That morbidly obese woman who could not walk to the park, play on the playground, walk down the beach, take the stairs to kiss her kids goodnight, sleep lying flat, sit on a lawn chair, fit in a booth, or take a walk down the block would *never* have dreamed that she could change her life like this. She would never have imagined a life of walking her child to school, taking the stairs multiple times a day without thought, raking the yard, playing with her children, getting up and down off the floor easily, being active in dog sports, and being physically able to participate in life so fully. I am a whole new person! I have been given a second chance at life. I went from lying on a steel table in the ER with an oxygen mask and heart monitor on, surrounded by chaos and nurses and doctors and thinking I might be dying, to THIS LIFE where I can do just about anything any other person can do, where I am no longer trapped by my morbid obesity.

I used to be jealous, but now, I am just so grateful for what I have done, and all the rich life that lies ahead of me. I am not jealous anymore.

Logging, Another Day

2012-01-19T16:30:00.000-08:00

Enjoyed a nice snow day today with the kiddos and a few friends. I love snow!

Today's intake:

7am: 1 c coffee, 1.5 Tbsp sugar free creamer
8am: Medifast oatmeal, another cup of coffee w/sf creamer
10am: Medifast hot cocoa w/almond extract and instant decaf coffee
noon: Medifast chili puffs and 2 oz cheddar cheese with a diet soda
2pm: enjoyed some very nice coffee at a friend's house with a splash of cream and a Splenda
3:30pm: Medifast hot cocoa and 2 Tbsp PB2 (powdered peanut butter)
6pm (planned dinner): Rotisserie chicken breast, half a small spaghetti squash, and a wedge of Laughing Cow light cheese with a bit of chicken broth to make a creamy garlic sauce
8:30pm (planned): Medifast chocolate chip cookie and a cup of herbal tea

Stats:
1126 calories
112 g protein
92 g carbs
31% fat

So, this is an improvement from yesterday. I got everything in I needed to, plenty of protein. I am still over 1000 calories but I did get under 100 g carbs so that's better. I got too much fat for 2 reasons: 1) the cheese, which was not low fat, and 2) the cream, which I don't use at home but that's what they had for the coffee.

I have about 6 diet sodas left. I haven't bought any in a couple months, since I decided to stop drinking them. I phased them out a lot and am just using the ones I had left in the pantry occasionally, and then won't drink soda anymore as a general rule.

Wednesday Meal Logging

2012-01-18T18:39:00.000-08:00

As I said earlier today, I am back to logging my foods. Here's today's stats:

7am: big mug of coffee, 2 Tbsp sugar free creamer
8am: Kay's Naturals Cinnamon Pretzels (I use these as a Medifast sub sometimes; similar stats)
10am: Medifast Hot Cocoa mixed w/1 tsp unsweetened cocoa powder and instant coffee
noon: Medifast Chicken Noodle Soup
3pm: Medifast Caramel Nut Maintenance Bar, cup of coffee/1 Tbsp sugar free creamer
4pm: 6 oz Fage Total 0% Greek yogurt mixed with 2 tsp Barlean's Lemon Swirl fish oil
6pm: 1 cup of spaghetti squash, 1/2 cup low carb pasta sauce, 5 mini meatballs
8:30pm (planned): Medifast Pudding/Oatmeal mixture (I mix the two meals, split it in half, save one for tomorrow. It's kind of like rice pudding.)

Stats for the day:
1213 calories
113 g carbs
101 g protein
33% fat

Comments: The meatballs were not lean enough and that's why my fat is higher than usual, but they were all I had on hand and the kids had theirs with Barilla Plus Pasta. The maintenance bar is usually saved for maintenance. I'd ordered them a long time ago to try, and had a few left. I save them for super hungry or PMSy days.. They are higher in carbs than regular bars. I went over on my condiments today as well.

So as you can see, this is about how I have been eating on Medifast lately. In order to get my stats closer to where I want them (calories under 1000, carbs under 100... ideally closer to 80) I have to follow the guidelines more closely. I'll keep logging and paying attention until I get it where I want it and the weight comes off.

Logging

2012-01-18T09:14:00.000-08:00

I think I am going back to logging my food again. Medifast has a good foodlogger that already has all its meals in a dropdown menu so I use that rather than Sparkpeople when I am on the Medifast plan. I have done quite a bit of logging in the past, just for curiosity's sake, but it isn't really necessary because all the Medifast meals are about equal in nutrition. It's the Lean and Green meal that I prepare myself, along with fats, condiments, and an optional snack that can really alter my stats. I find I lose best when my carbs are around 80 and calories around 900. I think in general I stay closer to 95 g carbs and 1000-1100 calories per day if I am not paying much attention to my condiments and snack. I really want to break through that 200 pound barrier back into the 190's. I am staying off the scale until Sunday, logging my food and watching my carbs better, and I am taking a few days off exercising as well to see if that changes anything. Frankly, I am starting to get to a point where I am pretty desperate to get back down 20 more pounds.

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

The Addict and 'Everyone Else'

2012-01-17T12:48:00.000-08:00

I am stressed about my weight.

I did great in December. I worked hard and stayed focused and even through the holidays I lost 13 pounds last month. And then this month, I worked hard and stayed focused (well, except for 4 days last week) and have lost nothing. I have been losing and gaining the same pound all month long. I know the month is only halfway gone, but still. It's not even just about the scale right now. I look down at my legs when I am putting on my jeans. I look at my belly with or without clothing. I see myself in the mirror and depending on my frame of mind, sometimes I get a little distraught. I mean, yes, I am 78 pounds lighter than I used to be. I am very proud of maintaining that loss. Maintaining is no easy task. But I also look at my lowest weight pictures at 175 pounds and get so, so frustrated that I let it get this out of control and that I am 25 pounds away from there which does not seem like much AT ALL to someone who started aiming to lose 110 pounds, but that makes it worse. Only 25 pounds and I would feel so much better. Even 20 pounds, I would move more freely and be proud of my body and look relatively normal instead of relatively plump. It is right there within my reach, just 25 pounds... yet seems so, so far away and almost impossible to grasp.

I still have those super cute size 10 jeans with the fancy pockets that I took my 100-pounds-gone pictures in, just 22 pounds ago. Fitting into them lasted all of about a week before they were just a smidge too tight and I went back to the old comfortable 12's. Those cute fancy jeans are folded in my drawer, waiting, just waiting... I want to wear them so badly. I am tired of my clothes being snug. I am annoyed that the weight doesn't drop off the way I want it to. I have a lot of other junk going on in my life, and when it gets really overwhelming, I still turn to food. Last night I turned to a handful of Andes mints one of my kids left in the kitchen, and graduated to a few freezer burned cookies with a glass of milk. That's how it goes sometimes. I get through to day, focus off of food, dealing with the stress. And then when I finally get my little one to bed and the old dog medicated and tucked in and I sit down with myself in the night, I dig into something I had no intention of eating... usually something that doesn't even taste very good and is a pathetic substitute for... for what? I dunno. I just know it is the same as other people having a few drinks or smoking a cigarette to try and de-stress. I just haven't found a way to de-stress that works well for me. Exercise, yes. Dog sports, yes. But at the end of the day, in the night, when I am stuck in the house and tired... well, sometimes I write, or read, or watch a bit of mindless TV. But maybe it is the addict gene in me that wants something to make it all better. I can get by with a nice cup of tea or a fire in the fireplace and a snuggly blanket sometimes, but when the stress is high with no definite end in sight, it's just not enough. And the stress is quite high right now; things improved for a couple of days and then situations arose that put me on edge again.

I am getting the general idea that this is how life is going to be. You'd think I would have figured that out in 42 years, but the image I had in my head of "everyone else's" life has been making me thing I am somehow defective. "Everyone else" deals with problems in a calm, mature way. "Everyone else" gets support or doesn't even have these problems to begin with. In my mind, there were the addicts, and there was "everyone else." And I was getting angry at myself for falling into the "addict" category like my alcoholic mother because of my using food as some kind of drug. I was subconsciously putting a negative label on myself and classing myself with drunks and druggies and "bad people" because I ate a cookie when I was stressed out. Only now do I see how unfair and judgemental that was to myself. I wouldn't classify another person that way; why judge myself so harshly?

People do sometimes self-medicate with food, or a latte, or something else that makes them feel better and eases stress. That is pretty normal, and okay. Now, I am not saying it is okay to run out and binge on donuts because your boss yelled at you or your kid is sick. Binge eating is a problem that is NOT within the range of normal self-soothing behavior. But having 2 cookies once a month? Not really a big deal.

I don't have the answer, but I am cutting myself some slack.

Today's self-medication includes an extra coffee with sugar free creamer. Frankly, when I am *this* overwhelmed, I start to go into 'frozen in place' mode where I feel paralyzed to begin ANYTHING because there are so many things I *have* to do. That just snowballs into more stress and trouble, so if it takes an extra cup of coffee and 15 minutes goofing off online so that I can take a deep breath and start SOMETHING, so be it. I wonder if a lot of people cope this way; I tend to think so, although not everyone chooses the same thing to soothe.

That's all for now. I feel a little better already, just writing it all out.

Superfoods Challenge: Week 3

2012-01-16T08:51:00.000-08:00

This is week 3 of the Superfoods Challenge, where we work on adding the healthiest foods and their sidekicks into our daily diets. There are 14 Superfoods in the original SuperFoods Rx book, and at the end of our 14 week Challenge you will have all 14 Superfoods incorporated into your eating plan! Focusing on what we CAN have rather than what we CAN'T have is very motivating and positive, and when you are working through your list making sure you are getting in your Superfoods, it leaves little time (and stomach room) for eating junk.

This week's Superfood is: yogurt! This is something many people already eat. Yogurt is rich in calcium, B vitamins, potassium, magnesium, zinc, and live active cultures. According to the Superfoods website, " A single 1-cup serving of nonfat plain yogurt supplies 414 milligrams of calcium—an amazing 40 percent of your daily calcium needs and at a cost of only 100 calories.... Yogurt is also a better source of B vitamins (including foliate), phosphorus, and potassium than milk. Of course, the calcium in yogurt is of great benefit to pre- and postmenopausal women and to men in their struggle against osteoporosis. A rich source of calcium to begin with, the milk sugar in yogurt actually aids in calcium absorption. Moreover, dairy foods are a source of IGF-l, a growth factor that promotes bone formation, which benefits women over and above the bone-preserving contribution of calcium." Also, "Probiotics absorb mutagens that cause cancer, particularly colon cancer, though there’s also evidence that they’re effective in lighting breast cancer. They stimulate the immune system, partly by promoting immunoglobulin production, and help lower the risk for cancer by decreasing inflammation and inhibiting the growth of cancer-causing intestinal microflora." Such a wonderful and delicious food to include in our menus! The book recommends trying to eat two 8-ounce servings of yogurt per day. That's a lot of yogurt, so I try to get in at least one. If you are having a hungry day, though, yogurt is a much better alternative than empty calories. Nonfat or low fat yogurt without added sweeteners is best.

Yogurt's main sidekick is kefir, a cultured milk product similar to yogurt but thinner and usually sold as a beverage. It contains many of the same beneficial nutrients and probiotics that yogurt contains. The Superfoods website also lists soy yogurt as an alternative for those of you who do not consume dairy products.

There are several ways to enjoy yogurt in your daily diet. You can purchase plain yogurt and then add fruit, agave nectar, or whatever sweetener you prefer. I like to make smoothies with mine. Before I was on Medifast, I would often make a breakfast smoothie of yogurt, fresh mango or berries, honey, and ice. Sometimes I'd add spinach. You can also use yogurt or kefir in place of milk on cereal or mixed with granola. Many people like to make yogurt cheese; just place some yogurt in a cheesecloth (coffee filters work too) and set in a colander or strainer for several hours until the whey drips out. The result is a thick, creamy yogurt cheese that can be used in place of cream cheese. If you try this, be sure your yogurt does not contain additives such as thickeners or gelatin; natural yogurt works best. I like to add herbs to my yogurt cheese to use as a savory spread.

If you are on Medifast you can still enjoy your yogurt; according to Nutrition Support, 12 ounces of plain, nonfat Chobani Greek yogurt = 1 Leanest option; you will need to add two healthy fats. Fage 0% Greek yogurt has the same nutritional stats as Chobani, so that is what I use. I like to mix mine with Barlean's Omega Swirl Fish Oil (I like Lemon the best); it sweetens and flavors the yogurt and gives me some healthy omegas without any fishy taste. A bit of Splenda and vanilla extract is good too.

Your Superfoods list to go on your fridge this week should look like this:

Broccoli (Brussels sprouts, cabbage, kale, turnips, cauliflower, collards, bok choy, mustard greens, Swiss chard): 1/2 to 1 cup per day
Wild Salmon (Alaskan halibut, canned albacore tuna, sardines, herring, trout, sea bass, oysters, clams): 2 to 4 times per week
Yogurt (kefir): Two 8 ounce servings per day

Have fun this week getting your Superfoods in; check my BlogFrog community for recipes and ideas on our past Superfoods. Please stop by and share your ideas for getting yogurt or kefir into your diet; I've created a new thread: Superfood #3: Yogurt and its Sidekicks.

Building a healthier body can be fun and positive! Eating right shouldn't be about deprivation; focus on the wonderful foods we *should* eat, and be creative about how you include them. Enjoy your day!

Sunday Update & Weight

2012-01-15T11:12:00.000-08:00

My mood continues to improve since yesterday, and today my energy has returned as well! The sun is back, I am back on plan A, and life has settled down a great deal. I still have stress, but it is manageable now. My elderly dog is doing so much better on Lasix! He is perky again (well, as perky as a 13-year-old dog can be!) and not coughing nearly as much, which means I am getting a bit more sleep. I still wake up every morning at 5 and lie in bed for an hour trying to go back to sleep before the pup starts whining at 6. Not sure why I am waking up at 5 but I do, like clockwork.

After four days of hell last week when I barely had time to use the bathroom, I took a breather day yesterday as the beginning of a much-needed 3 day weekend. I took time yesterday to relax, rest, and just *be* without pressure to get anything done from my list. I just allowed myself a day to regroup, and it helped me so much! I did things I enjoy, like play with my dog, do agility training, play games with my little girl, and cook. I feel like my well was going dry and yesterday it got refilled. Today I am still taking it easy, not going out anywhere or pressuring myself to get anything done, but still catching up on things like cleaning, mopping, laundry, and yard work while enjoying time with my kids and dogs. My stress level has dropped by about 90%, thank goodness.

Scale still stuck at 200, no gain and no loss this week, and I am just going to wing it this week with the exercise and the scale. I might skip weighing for a few days. I did that last time I was bordering on 199, and it helped. I am easing back into my exercise plan now that I have the time and energy to do so.

That's all for now! Enjoy your weekend and eat your Superfoods!

Another Update, and Lentil Soup

2012-01-14T13:50:00.000-08:00

Second blog post for today :)

I finally feel like my brain has turned back on. As of this afternoon, after a lunch of turkey sausage and celery, it's like the bulb went back on instead of flickering on and off like it's been the past four days. I think my brain was fried from extreme stress. I wish I could tell you what was/is going on with one of my kids; then you'd understand. But I respect his privacy so I won't say more. I think anyone would lose it dealing with this kind of thing. The last time I was this stressed was back when I had the cervical cancer scare with a LEEP surgery. Yikes. Talk about stress. I guess it is a natural response to stress, but I hate the feeling that I am not running on all cylinders and my brain is shorting out! The migraines were awful and there was a recall on Excedrin this week, meaning I had nothing in the house that I could take to quell the pain. I am much better now, no pain medicine needed!

Scale still says 200. I think my body likes to get stuck here for some reason.

Doing Plan B today and going back to A for the rest of the month tomorrow. I am making a pot of delicious lentil soup for dinner! Easy:

3 cups low sodium chicken broth
2 cups water
3/4 cup dry lentils
1 stalk of celery with leaves, diced
1 medium carrot, diced
1/2 medium onion, diced
1 clove of garlic, minced
3/4 cup of canned diced tomatoes and their juice (5g carbs or less per half cup)
1 teaspoon olive oil
a few shakes of thyme and a few grinds of black pepper

Throw it all in the crock pot, give it a stir, and cook it all day on low. I give mine a stir halfway through cooking. Add sea salt to taste at the end. Partially puree with a stick blender if you like a thicker texture.

Makes 6 servings:
70 calories
1 g fat
6 g protein
14.5 g carbs
6.5 g fiber

Yummy, soothing, nourishing, and not as high in carbs as I had imagined. This even fits into my plan B and allows me to keep my calories and carbs low.

The sun is shining outside and that brightens my mood even more! And now I am going to watch my daughter practice ballet and help my son with algebra while the old dog naps and the pup chews her bone.

Insistence on Strict Following of Rules

2012-01-14T10:13:00.000-08:00

A long time ago, when I was a single mother of four, I began dating a man (whom we shall call Brett) who was charming and sweet. He coached my son's soccer team; I was the team Mom. Not far into our relationship, he started coming over to spend time with us on the weekends. I wondered if he might be *the one.*

I had my own home and one of my rules, having four small children and their friends tromping in and out everyday, was "no shoes in the house." My kids knew that when they came in they were to leave their shoes in the entryway, and their friends did, too. It kept my light colored carpets from becoming a wreck of dirty footprints. But I never asked adult visitors to remove their shoes. It wasn't that big of a deal.

One day Brett told me his parents very much wanted to meet me and my kids and it would mean a lot to him for me to meet them as well. I decided to have them over for lunch one weekend. I was excited and nervous and prepped my kids with reminders on good behavior. I cleaned the house and set everything up nicely and made a yummy lunch. I couldn't wait! I wanted to make a good impression and hoped we would all hit it off.

I went to the bathroom about 5 minutes before we were expecting them. I didn't hear a doorbell ring, but when I came out of the bathroom, I heard a discussion going on at the door. Brett was insisting, "you HAVE to take your shoes off! That is the RULE!" His mother and father were not even up the front steps to the porch yet. They were standing on the sidewalk at the bottom of the stairs, looking upset and frustrated. Just as I came to the door they were turning around to leave and get back in their car. "Oh, please come in!" I said, "you don't need to take your shoes off! That's just something I have the kids do!" They turned and looked at me, Dad with a scowl on his face, Mother looking like she was about to cry. "Really!" I insisted, as Brett interrupted and said "they can take their shoes off! We don't want the carpet dirty..." and I stepped in front of him, down the stairs to his parents, apologizing: "I'm sorry, Brett didn't understand! We never ask guests to take their shoes off, please come in!" The Mother said meekly, "are you SURE?" Finally they did come inside, shoes and all, and we had a nice visit. But the whole 'first impression' thing was not what I imagined at all. And from then on, they declined every invitation to my home.

I wondered where Brett had gotten his strict attitude about rules, but not for long. A few weeks later, we were invited to his parents' home for dinner and to meet his sister and her husband. It was warm outside so they were having a barbecue in the back yard. My kids were playing games together, we were all visiting, and everyone was having a nice time. When it was time to eat, we gathered in the yard, plated our burgers, and sat around some large outdoor tables under the trees. As we ate, my oldest son (who was about ten) started talking about school and what he was learning in his math class. He was happy and animated; we always share parts of our day at the dinner table. Apparently, though, there was a different rule at Mother and Dad's home: We Eat In Silence. I was not informed of this rule, but within minutes of sitting down to eat, Dad was scowling and giving sideways glances at my son who was sharing about his day. About 30 seconds later, he slammed down his fork and boomed, "WILL YOU BE QUIET! THIS IS DINNER, NOT AN ALGEBRA LESSON! WE ARE TRYING TO EAT!" My son, shocked and silent, stared into his plate. We left shortly after.

You can guess that the dating did not go on for long. This family propensity for rigid rule enforcement bled over into other aspects of life, and I ended the relationship and didn't date again for a lot of years. But my main point is this: There is a time and place for rules... even strict ones. But there is also a time and place to set them aside. Sometimes, we let rules be the forefront and forget about the actual, real-life effects and the people involved.

I've lived a lot of my life with loads of dieting rules. Eat this, don't eat that. This much protein, this many calories. You can only eat the things on this list. You have to exercise x number of minutes a day. Follow these rules for success or you are a failure. Never, ever break the rules. 100% or nothing.

It is only recently (and with age and experience) that I have begun to understand the benefit of flexibility in 'diet' rules. Just like flexibility in other aspects of life, being able to change and adapt in our eating and exercise can be a very good thing and even contribute to our success. Rigidity, for me, only makes me feel bad when I cannot keep the rules perfectly. I try to think about alternate ways to eat healthy and be active, even when I need to let my usual rules slide for whatever reason. That is why I have an eating Plan B.

I am coming to realize that a Plan B can be *very* useful and comforting in other things as well. If there is a snowstorm or a sick child or a knee injury that keeps me from taking my usual walk, I have to find ways to stay active indoors while caring for that child or not worsening an injury. If my bike breaks or I am away from home or I run out of time or energy, I need to find ways to keep my activity level up *overall* for the week. Even gentle stretching at the end of the day is a relaxing activity that helps me stay healthy. Even doing a handful of strength training exercises is better than nothing at all. And doubling the walk the next day is a good way not to let my exercise time and miles for the week go downhill.

My life is no longer all or nothing. It is such a relief to not be a slave to strict rules. Now, I am not saying there should *never* be strict rules. I have some in my house, especially for my kids, that are non-negotiable: no drinking, no smoking, no friends over without permission, no physical violence. Sometimes you draw a line in the sand (mine, for myself, is "no cake.") But generally, flexibility works better for me. There are times you just let someone come in your house with their shoes on, because the person is more important than the carpet.

Personal update: I finally am starting to feel better. I think I got about 6 hours of sleep last night and it was fairly restful, too. I spent four days this week working on two big issues (kid issue and dog issue) and am optimistic about how things are going. On Tuesday it seemed like everything was spinning completely out of control. I felt very helpless to fix things. But the work paid off, and today things seem manageable. My dog is *much* improved on medication and with special care. My son is getting the help he needs. And I am sooooo thankful for a three-day weekend! I really needed a break! I'll be making some kind of veggie-rich soup for dinner, hopping back on the bike, and enjoying the company of my children. Have a great weekend!

My Plan B

2012-01-13T13:20:00.000-08:00

I am really, reaallllly tired, so please forgive me if this is not the most coherent post you've ever read. But I wanted to share more about what I mentioned earlier this week: my Plan B.

I think I have finally found a key that will help me get through rough patches, holidays, parties, and special occasions without going off plan and spiraling back into binge eating and weight. I have experimented here and there with different things: eating what I want in moderation, calorie counting, having just a *little* of the foods I desire, abstinence, etc. And what I found is that when I have a specific plan with certain strict goals I want to meet each day and I deviate from that plan, I feel guilty/like a failure/frustrated for being "off plan" and then I eat a bunch of crap I never meant to eat. I guess I try to be "too perfect" or something and when I mess up I feel bad and mess up more. My Plan B puts a stop to that.

Right now, my Plan A is Medifast. I stay very consistent, following the guidelines for weighing and measuring the meats or eggs or other proteins I eat as well as the vegetables, fats, and condiments. I eat my 5 Medifast meals a day and my home cooked dinner and I feel good. But some days it is harder to do that. Maybe it's a holiday, a special occasion, a party or event where food is served, or just a super stressful day like the ones I've had this week. Instead of winging it and feeling like I went "off plan," I have finally come up with something that works: Plan B.

My Plan B is sort of an Atkins style of eating. It might include some Medifast meals, but it also allows for more protein, fat, and sodium than Plan A does. On Plan B, I don't go hog wild; it's not a free-for-all of bacon and cheese and sausage. I still count calories and stay under about 1800-1900. And most importantly, I count carbs. I try to stay even lower than Plan A, where I usually average 80-90 grams of carbs per day. On Plan B I am averaging 60 or so. No food is off limits if it fits my calorie and carb budget (which rules out things like cakes and cookies), so I have had things like prime rib, spiral sliced ham, and full fat cheeses. It is a nice break, it works, and it is *very* effective at allowing me to feel successful about a deviation from Plan A. So whether I am on Plan A or Plan B, I am *on plan* and that makes the mental game a lot more successful. I don't gain weight on Plan B either, although I retain water if I eat a lot of salt. It washes back out the next day.

That said, I aim for Plan A 95% of the time. I had a Plan B day on Christmas that I blogged about already, and I also had one yesterday. I truly believe that having an alternate plan of some time for occasional use is a very good idea.

Update on my last couple of days: I have been spending time at vets, at doctors' offices, at schools, running back and forth to finish necessary errands, caring for my elderly dog (who seems a bit improved after starting on Lasix), changing his diapers, carrying him up and down the stairs. I started two new classes with the pup this week, and that requires training time as well. I still volunteer in my daughter's classroom and have been dealing with the other kid related crisis as well. I am getting about 5 hours of sleep (not uninterrupted) per night and feel like I am falling apart because of it. I am exhausted and emotionally drained. I am drinking a LOT of coffee just to make it through a day (which I know is a bad idea, but I feel stuck). I am fighting migraines with nausea and visual disturbances from lack of sleep and stress. Fitness update: Exercise?? What exercise?? No. Nothing. Nothing since Monday. My life got very stressful on Tuesday and new developments have made it so I do not have time to do it. I just don't. And no I could not do it right now instead of blogging. I am so tired it hurts my fingers to type. I am almost falling asleep on the keyboard, slugging back coffee and then have to run 3 kids to appointments and take my daughter to dance. And frankly, if I did somehow find a spare ten minutes, I would not use it to bike. I'd use it to talk to my older son, who I have barely spent 5 minutes a day with this week. And if I found ten more I'd use it to clean my bathroom.

I will be fine, it'll all work out. I am just... drained. I hope that someday soon, the new friendships I am forming with dog sports will allow me to have someone to lean on for some things in times like this. It is hard to carry the burden all alone. At night when I go to bed, I just wish there was someone who shared the burden. I get tired of being strong. I feel 70 years old some days. But I know if I can get one good night's sleep I will feel like a new person. I will make it.

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free.*

STRESS and Clarity

2012-01-11T08:09:00.000-08:00

You knew it wasn't going to end with those "on plan" rolls, right?

I am definitely PMSing, but things went downhill from there. My little senior dog is in crisis. He is 13 and has been my constant companion since he was 6 weeks old and my kids were very small. He was with me through raising them, single motherhood, working, years of college. I remember some days I would go go go all day, working and taking classes, and I'd pick up the kids from after-school daycare and come home and just be so exhausted and sad because I was working so hard and still had to deal with driving a van that broke down all the time, eating from the food bank, our power being shut off for non payment, and the bills I couldn't pay. And when I'd walk in the door thinking I just couldn't keep going, there he was, wagging his tail and giving the *biggest* doggie grin, doing a little happy dance because I was home. We dubbed him the Dog of Happiness. It fit.

He has congestive heart failure. He's losing his hearing and sight and is in a diaper thing so he doesn't have accidents in the house. I have to carry him up and down the stairs to take him out. Yet he is happy. He sleeps 90% of the time, but when he is awake he is just so joyful, wagging and hopping a teeny bit in his arthritic way, smiling just to be with us. He is so happy that I've been willing to care for him like a baby for weeks, changing him, carrying him, feeding him special food, and getting up with him at 5am. But the past few days he has gotten worse. He has been coughing terribly in the night. I've been up since 4 am the last two days, holding him, feeding him salmon (his favorite food) and talking to him. I put fresh laundry in his bed because he loves to sleep on it. I am trying to make that decision about whether he is ready... whether I am ready. He is still happy. But the coughing IS becoming suffering. I am going to talk to the vet today and maybe they can try another medicine to help him be able to breathe, just for a little while longer.

I wanted to talk to the vet yesterday and take my little happy dog to the park one last time. He always used to go walking in the park with me and he LOVED it. He hasn't been there in over a year, because he cannot walk except across the room. But I can carry him. I can set him in the grass and let him sniff around. I can sit on a bench and talk to him. But I didn't get to do that yesterday because of a crisis involving one of my older kids. Out of respect for their privacy that's all I'll say about that, but any crisis involving my kid is a crisis for me as well. Yesterday was a horrible day. Emotional train wreck might describe it. I was already having a hormone shift, going on very little sleep, and dealing with the dog thing. Adding this put me over the edge.

I got about 4 hours of sleep last night. I had a migraine this morning. But I am going to be okay. I went on autopilot Plan B with my eating. I am going to talk about my Plan B in another post, as I have to go deal with kids/dogs/vet/etc at the moment. But the scale has not budged; it's just doing the same teeny waver between 200 and 201 (201 yesterday, 200.5 this morning). And I did not have time to exercise yesterday at all. I missed my biking for the first time because I actually did not have ten minutes to do it. I think I can find the time today.

I am stressed, I wanted to binge, but I didn't. I am better today than yesterday and starting to get a calm peace about the direction I need to go on both issues (dog and kid). Not bingeing is what gives me enough clarity, even while PMSing and on 4 hours of sleep, to have some peace and confidence about this stuff. If you're not escaping reality with your food-drug, you have to stay present and actually deal with the issues that are causing you stress.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Back to Plan A today.

Crash and Burrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

2012-01-09T19:38:00.000-08:00

Well, not really, but that's how it felt today.

After about three weeks of wonderful energy, great mood, and high activity, sometime today I just crashed. I had zero energy and my mood was, well, not *down* but not the up it has been lately. I felt the shift; I think it's hormonal. I have always been super sensitive to the hormone changes in my monthly cycle, and looking at the calendar I think that's what it is. I am a bit irritable and feel kind of like I have early PMS. Today I wanted to do NOTHING. I had stuff planned to do, but only got to about half of it. I still biked my ten minutes, and worked on the dungeon filing and shredding papers for half an hour. I still got some laundry done, bathed and groomed the old dog, and cleaned the kitchen. I still managed to eat my Medifast meals on schedule.

Then I saw this recipe on a low carb forum I read: Revolution Rolls. They are a low carb bread substitute, and with a few tweaks in the recipe, a lot of people on Medifast use them as "buns" for burgers or sandwiches. They are made of eggs and light cream cheese and 2 rolls counts as 1/3 of my lean protein for the day as well as one condiment. I was in a mood anyway, so I decided to go ahead and try making them.

What I didn't count on was that they would trigger me. If you have an eating issue you know what I mean. Now this was not a physical trigger, because heck, it is just eggs and cream cheese and I eat those all the time without a problem. It was a mental trigger.

One recipe makes 6 rolls, so 3 servings. I was going to use them to put my Medifast sloppy joe on for lunch. Well that was pretty darn good! I liked it a lot! It fit into my plan for the day because I was going to have chicken sausage for dinner as the other 2/3 of my Lean, along with peppers, mushrooms, low carb marinara, and spaghetti squash.

Problem: the rolls would not leave me alone. They called to me. I thought, "oh heck, I will have one with coffee for 'dessert' and cut my Lean back a little." I decided to put a smear of light cream cheese on it. I sat down with that and my coffee, took a bite, and started having almost-flashbacks to eating bagels and cream cheese. I mean, it was like I was transported to another time and was eating bagels and cream cheese. It was sooooo good. I had another. I put the last 2 rolls in a baggie in the freezer. They screamed from the freezer and finally I just went and ate them. So the whole recipe = 3 eggs, 3 Tbsp light cream cheese. Not a *disaster* nutritionally, almost no carbs. I basically ate my whole Lean for the day plus condiments. But the way I reacted to those rolls took me of guard. I mean, I have written about food calling to me before, but I have not had that happen to me in WEEKS. I baked cookies and made fudge and cooked all kinds of yummy breads and potatoes and stuff over the holidays and none of it bothered me. In fact the rolls didn't bother me either until I started eating them. They were too much like past binge food. And it was crystal clear it was a mental thing, and was also related to my crashed energy and mood and the old habit of wanting to eat for comfort and distraction.

I went about my day and still ate my veggies for dinner. Everything else is on track. Too much light cream cheese is the only "off" thing about my eating today, but the trigger thing? That is what I have to really watch out for. I am not making those rolls again, at least until I am in maintenance, and even then I am not sure if they have a place in my diet. I think if I made them, I would make a half recipe just to be careful.

Superfoods Challenge: Week 2

2012-01-09T09:49:00.000-08:00

So how did you do last week with our first Superfood, broccoli? Hopefully you enjoyed it or some of its sidekicks and your body was very glad you did. I enjoyed reading about your ideas and the recipes you shared in my BlogFrog forum; we will continue sharing on a new thread there as we go through all of the Superfoods. This is week 2 of the Superfoods Challenge, and this week's Superfood is: wild salmon! Don't fret if you are not a fan of salmon; we will discuss many ways to prepare it, and if you just plain don't like it regardless or if you are already eating plenty of salmon, you can try its sidekicks this week instead!

Wild salmon is one of the world's healthiest foods. It is rich in nutrients that contribute to heart health, joint protection, decreased cancer risk, and brain function, including improved moods. A four ounce serving of salmon will give you 128% RDA of vitamin D, 95% RDA of B12, 53% of the daily recommendations of omega-3's, 27 grams of high quality protein, and NO carbs... all for just 158 calories! This Superfood really packs a nutritional punch!

I already eat salmon frequently because, living in the Pacific Northwest, I am fortunate to be able to get fresh wild salmon at a very reasonable price. I also am blessed to have a teenage son who fishes for salmon and brings home big, fresh, delicious fillets every so often. Sometimes a friend cans the salmon in jars for us and we can use it year-round. If you can't get fresh or frozen salmon for a reasonable price, do try canned. And watch the sales... you can stock up when it goes on sale and salmon keeps in the freezer for at least a couple of months.

I like to simply bake my salmon fillets with a brushing of olive oil and a sprinkle of seasoning such as Mrs. Dash or just salt and pepper. When cooked right, it is moist and delicious without much else added. When you bake or saute or poach your salmon, you'll know it is done when you poke a fork into the thickest part and the meat flakes up easily. I also love to do salmon on the grill in the summertime; my favorite recipe is Cedar Planked Salmon. My kids enjoy brown rice with their salmon, but my favorite side dish is vegetable based: Low Carb Fettuccine Alfredo. You can use canned salmon to make salmon salad (just like tuna salad, with mayo and seasonings over a bed of lettuce or stuffed in tomatoes) or salmon cakes like these.

Salmon has several sidekicks you can try this week as well: Alaskan halibut, canned albacore tuna, sardines, herring, trout, sea bass, oysters, clams. I have a shellfish allergy that extends to clams (and possibly oysters, I am not risking it) so I am not trying those, but feel free to share if you do! I have no real experience with herring or sardines, either, but many people seem to enjoy sardines right from the tin. I will be checking at the grocery store this week for halibut (which I have baked before), trout (which my son catches once in awhile and is yummy) and sea bass (NOT the same as Chilean sea bass, which is in danger of being depleted and has a consumption advisory because of very high mercury levels). I already eat tuna frequently, and it's most likely the sidekick you have the most experience with. You can read about the *amazing* health benefits of tuna here; try to limit yourself to 6 ounces per week because of the mercury issue. I like plain tuna salad over a bed of angel hair cabbage (raw); yesterday I had this tuna melt for lunch. SuperFoods Rx recommends eating fish 2 to 4 times per week, so that's what I am aiming for.

Don't forget to continue on with your first Superfood, broccoli. You can make your changes cumulative; try making a list to go on the fridge to remind you to get your Superfoods in. Your list so far should be:

Broccoli (Brussels sprouts, cabbage, kale, turnips, cauliflower, collards, bok choy, mustard greens, Swiss chard) 1/2 to 1 cup per day
Wild Salmon (Alaskan halibut, canned albacore tuna, sardines, herring, trout, sea bass, oysters, clams) 2 to 4 times per week

Easy! Right? Please come back and share what you ate this week and how you prepared it, either here or on my BlogFrog forum. I would love it if you'd add your ideas and recipes to the Superfood threads there so we can all keep expanding our menus as we go along.

Weigh In Update

2012-01-08T09:11:00.000-08:00

It's been a crazy week! This week I reintroduced exercise to my daily routine. I walked a mile every day and started biking again, working up from 5 minutes a day on Level 1 resistance to 10 minutes (yesterday) on Level 3. I took it very slow to reduce the chance of injury, because in the past that's what has stopped me from biking. My knees were a little sore yesterday, so I am going to stay at 10 minutes and level 3 for a couple of days before moving up again. Today is my rest day. I will probably still take a walk, though.

It seemed counter intuitive, but the scale just flat out stopped moving when I added this mild exercise. In fact it went up a bit before coming back down. As of yesterday I weighed 201, which is what I weighed last Sunday. I've eaten completely on plan (Medifast) and had lots of great veggies this week like broccoli, spinach, mushrooms, green peppers, zucchini, kale, Romaine lettuce, cherry tomatoes, and cauliflower. I enjoyed delicious proteins including lean chicken sausage, cod, eggs, and wild salmon that my son caught, as well as healthy fats (mainly olive oil). I also did a whole lot of decluttering and paper shredding this week.

Today the scale finally moved down a bit: 200 pounds even. That's a one pound loss for this week. I am hoping for a little more next week as my body adjusts to the exercise. I have to say I feel better than I have felt in ages. I have so much more energy, I am involved in *life* and enjoying my kids and my dogs, getting things done that I have put off for months. My mood is *incredibly* better. I am sure it is a combination of exercise and proper nutrition. I *love* how I feel this week and want it to continue, so I am going to keep doing what I have been doing: walking, biking, eating well, enjoying my blessed life.

I hope your week is going well, too! If your mood needs a boost, try adding exercise and cutting out sugar. And keep eating your broccoli, kale, and other Superfoods! I will share a new Superfood tomorrow for week #2 of the Superfoods Challenge. Catch you later!

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

Massaged Kale Salad

2012-01-07T14:38:00.000-08:00

As promised, here is the new kale recipe I made this week in honor of our Superfoods Challenge. Kale is a sidekick of broccoli and is very healthy (and yummy). I was tipped off to "massaged kale salad" by spunkysuzi (thanks!) and Googled it to look at various recipes. I chose one from this site; there are two other variations you may like there as well. I picked this one because it didn't call for honey or sugar or fruit like this popular recipe does; if those things are part of your plan, you may like to try it that way.

I started with just a few basic ingredients: fresh kale, a lemon, olive oil, sea salt, black pepper, and pine nuts.

First, I cut the thick middle stems out of the kale and sliced it into ribbons. I drizzled with 1 teaspoon of olive oil, 1 teaspoon of freshly squeezed lemon juice, and a couple grinds of salt and pepper. This is how it looked in the big metal mixing bowl. I thought, "that is way too much kale. I won't be able to eat all that!"

Then, as directed, I stuck my fingers in and massaged the oil into the kale. I rubbed for about 2 minutes, and look what I got:

Whoa! Much less volume! Much more tender. I actually fit all of this into one of my regular cereal bowls. I topped it with 1 Tbsp of toasted pine nuts:

Now, let me be frank. It was too tart for my tastes. It was GOOD, but it really needed some fruit or some kind of sweetener in the dressing, in my opinion. I think it would be *awesome* if you added agave nectar, honey, even Splenda, and would be *fabulous* if you added some fruit, like maybe some dried cranberries. One of the other recipes called for avocado and I think that would be great too and would cut the tartness a bit.

This is a method I will use again to get some healthy raw kale into my diet. I might massage it without the lemon and mix it in with other salad greens, or try different variations. It really is worth a try!