Escape from Obesity

Getting Off the Crazy Train

2012-02-25T10:08:00.000-08:00

This week's changes in my eating have given me a bit more clarity about my weight, my weight loss history, and my future. Somehow, the loosening of the reins of restriction has helped me "see" part of the problem of why I have not lost any fresh pounds in the past 16 months.

Restriction is, for me, part of weight loss. I think if you are honest with yourself, you'll agree that restriction of some sort is necessary to lose weight. Maybe it is a food group, or a certain trigger food you have to restrict. Maybe it is portions or carbs or calories. The fact is, if you just kept eating the way you ate when you were fat, you'd still be fat. You don't lose weight without making some kind of changes.

Some plans are more restrictive than others, and that can be good or bad depending on what you need in your life at the moment. I *needed* to cut out a lot of things in order to gain clarity and get control of my binge eating. Cutting out bread, grains, sugar, fruit and even high carb veggies helped me figure out how those foods affect me. Adding them back in slowly also is helping me discern how those things help or hinder my weight loss and health. That is important to me.

But sometimes restriction starts to backfire. It is a fine line between restricting enough to lose weight, and restricting so much you can't stick with a plan. That's what started happening to me, over time. At first, cutting out so much stuff and sticking to low carb veggies, lean proteins, healthy fats and Medifast meals was great. It was fairly easy. I dropped 59 pounds in under 8 months and changed the way I look at food forever. Then it started getting hard to stick to. Over the past year, I have gone on and off the 5 & 1 plan many times because it was getting hard for me to stick to. When I was ON plan, it was easy, food took a back seat, and I lost weight. Yet, when I'd give in and eat something higher in carbs it would knock me out of the mild ketosis that is part of the Medifast plan. Getting back into ketosis was sometimes physically difficult, including headaches and nausea. The other thing about low carb eating is that you can drop and gain water weight super fast, because carbs are stored in the body with extra water. Eat low carb for a week, lose 5-8 pounds. Eat high carb for a DAY, gain 3 or more pounds. It's water, but it still feels great coming off and horrible coming back on.

Thus, the crazy train I have been on for months now. If you pay attention to my Weight By Month page, you'll see what I mean. Take the past year:

184 April (-1)
198 May (+14)
195 June (-3)
184 July (-11)
191 August (+7)
201 September (+10)
190 October (-11)
203 November (+13)
214 December (+11)
201 January 2012 (-13)
199 February (-2)

The scale swings widely with my going on and off low carb eating. Up ten, down 11. Up 14, down 13. It is a crazy train. I cannot do it anymore. That's partly why I decided to Transition to a more moderate carb way of eating. Even if I only lose a couple pounds a month, it *has* to be better for my body than that.

A low carb plan, a restrictive plan like Medifast, is fine if you stick to it. But I have come to believe that if you get to the point you can't STAY on plan, it's better and healthier to do something else. So if you are on Medifast, BE on Medifast. Do it in as short a time as you can. Do it 100% and get it done so you can transition back to whole foods. I am transitioning early but I am doing it for both my health and my sanity. I do need to lose weight for the sake of my health, but I am listening to my body and hope to see a more moderate downward slope rather than the crazy train I was on before.

A Tale of Two Salads

2012-02-24T10:28:00.002-08:00

Here's a little story about two salads I ate recently. Both of them were in restaurants, both low carb, both made with fresh delicious ingredients. But I had two very different reactions to them because of one little variable.

My daughter and I were out shopping, and we decided to have a nice little "girls' lunch out" together at a new restaurant nearby. We went in, were seated, and as is my usual habit I began perusing the menu for salads. I found one that looked on plan and tasty: mixed greens, fresh mushrooms, cucumbers, tomatoes, hard boiled egg, crumbled blue cheese, and grilled chicken. Great! That is the kind of salad I love. But when I ordered, I made a mistake I have not made in years. I forgot to ask for "dressing on the side." I always, *always* do this. Let me tell you why.

When I was a kid, I used to go to salad bars with my dieting mom and her Weight Watchers friends. I remember loving the salad bar and feeling like I was so healthy! I piled my plate with iceberg lettuce, bacon bits, grated cheese, and croutons and then I ladled one... two... three or more large spoonfuls of blue cheese dressing over it all. I'd go back to my seat and mix it all together. So yummy! Every leaf and bit of cheese would be coated... soaked, even... in dressing. There would be a puddle of dressing left on the plate when I was done, which I would sop up with a buttered roll. And no one ever told me how unhealthy this was. It was the most vegetables I got as a kid unless you count canned corn and mashed potatoes with butter and gravy. I developed a taste for salad ONLY when it is *loaded* with dressing. Even as an (obese) adult, I would often feel dismayed at the piddly, tiny portions of dressing that restaurants would use on salads. I always asked for extra and used it ALL. Fast forward to weight loss efforts. I remember reading a tip: order dressing on the side, and just dip your fork into it for each bite. That way you get the taste of dressing without all the fat and calories. Ridiculous, I thought! But I tried it. I remember choking down a few bites. I could not even TASTE the dressing doing it that way! So I started out by dipping each bite of salad into the dressing on the side, so it was only half coated in dressing. This was hard for me to do. After all, salad was *all about* the dressing for me. It took me a very long time doing this before I started weaning off the dressing even more: dipping less of the veggies into the dressing, eating a few bites without dressing. Eventually I got to the point of the fork-dipping method, and this is what I've done ever since. I generally use a tablespoon or less of the dressing nowadays.

So the salad came to the table and immediately I saw my mistake. The salad was pre-tossed and *coated* in dressing... not as much as I used to use, but each leaf was definitely covered. Oh well, I thought, I will just have to watch my fat intake for the rest of the day. This will be a nice indulgence! May as well enjoy it!

I took a bite. Oh, wow. This did not taste like a salad. Don't get me wrong, the dressing was good, homemade, tasty. But I couldn't taste the vegetables! All I tasted was blue cheese. It was overwhelming. I picked out the cheese crumbles. I drank a lot of water. I ate 3/4 of the salad. But it was really just not enjoyable, and I vowed to never make that mistake again.

Fast forward to this week. I was out for a birthday dinner with family, and part of my dinner was a nice large side salad: fresh baby spinach, sliced mushrooms, hazelnuts, Parmesan cheese... and dressing. This time I definitely remembered to ask for dressing on the side, and it was divine! Most of the Parmesan shreds fell through to the plate, so I didn't get too much cheese (I got just the right amount). The veggies were so fresh and delicious! The nuts were toasted and flavorful. The dressing was a homemade creamy fresh dill dressing that was seriously fabulous! I dipped my fork in it every few bites to enjoy the taste. This salad tasted amazing to me, and right then and there I realized how much my tastes have changed. I am now one of *those people* who enjoys the flavor of plain, fresh vegetables! That makes me so glad. Just because the dressing was one of the best I'd ever tasted didn't make me want to pour it over my salad or drink it. When I was finished, the little cup of dressing looked nearly untouched. I might have used a half tablespoon at the most, but it was just enough. When the waiter came back, I complimented them on the dressing and asked how it was made. He looked puzzled because my salad was gone and the dressing was still there, yet I was raving about how good it was. And it really was that good.

Take heart. Even if you are like I used to be... only eating vegetables that are hidden under buckets of dressing or cheese or sauces... your tastes can REALLY change. And I don't just mean you will learn to *tolerate* plain veggies. I mean you can actually PREFER them in time. Just gradually cut down on your sauce or butter or salt or whatever you load up your veggies with. Take months to do it. Suddenly you will turn around and realize you are eating and *enjoying* your salads and other veggies nearly naked. It's a great feeling, and your body will thank you.

Potatoes vs. Cauliflower

2012-02-23T10:34:00.002-08:00

Something I learned rather quickly when I began "low carbing" is that white potatoes are to be avoided because they're starchy and high in carbs. Thankfully, I also learned that I didn't have to go without "mashed potatoes": a lot of low-carbers make something very similar by steaming and mashing cauliflower instead. This has become a staple of my diet over the past two low carb years. I started subbing cauliflower for potatoes, rice, pasta, and white flour in many of my usual recipes with great results! But my kids never became fans of the steaming white mounds of creamy mashed cauliflower. They always kept their preference for mashed potatoes, and that's okay. I made potatoes for them and cauliflower for myself.

But now that I am in week 1 of Transition, the guidelines state that I can have an additional cup per day of ANY vegetables I want! No more limiting things that are higher in carbs like artichokes, Brussels sprouts, yams, and corn. And potatoes. Yes, even white potatoes are now officially "allowed" on my Transition plan! So, what do you think? Is it the end of my love affair with cauliflower? After all, it is much easier to just make a pot of low fat mashed taters and not bother with the mashed cauliflower anymore...

So I decided to do a comparison. What exactly is the difference between a half cup of plain, boiled white potatoes and a half cup of plain, boiled cauliflower? Let's see.

White potatoes, boiled without skin, flesh only, 1/2 cup (nutrition data source)
67.1 calories
1.3 g protein
15.6 g carbs
0.1 g fat

Cauliflower, boiled, 1/2 cup (nutrition data source)
14.3 calories
1.1 g protein
2.5 g carbs
0.3 g fat

Wow. So by eating cauliflower instead of potatoes you save about 53 calories and 13 g carbs. That's significant, especially if you're doubling that and eating a whole cup, which I often do. The potatoes and cauliflower are nearly equal in fat and protein, so that's not significant. They are also exactly equal in fiber content (1.4 g). What about nutrients?

Well, they are about equal in iron content (1.3% vs. 1.1%).
Potatoes contain more B1, B3, B5 and B6 than cauliflower:
B1 5.1% vs. 1.7%
B3 5.1% vs. 1.3%
B5 4.0% vs. 3.1%
B6 10.5% vs. 5.4%

Cauliflower contains folate, more B2, and calcium than potatoes, and the most significant edge they have is in vitamins K and C:
folate 1.8% vs. 6.8%

B2 0.9% vs. 1.9%
calcium 0.6% vs. 1.0%
Vitamin K 2% vs. 10.7%
Vitamin C 9.6% vs. 45.8%

Another factor to consider is Glycemic Index. Potatoes can raise your blood sugar really fast; they have a higher glycemic index than refined white sugar because of the way they are processed by our bodies. Baked white potato (no skin) has a GI of 98, while white sugar has a GI of about 60. Cauliflower, by comparison, has a very low GI of 15. This means it will have little to no effect on your blood sugar levels.

So, for those reasons, I am going to keep choosing cauliflower over potatoes. And when I eat cauliflower I actually feel better... not as stuffed, tired, and heavy as when I eat potatoes. They seem to energize and nourish me. I will still occasionally have a potato here and there, especially when the baby new red potatoes are ready at the local Farmer's Market, but for a "mashed potato" side dish with steak or in a creamy "potato" soup, I am sticking with cauliflower.

How To Cook (and Eat) an Artichoke: An Easy Lesson with Pictures

2012-02-22T10:52:00.000-08:00

When I first tried artichoke (hearts) long long ago, I was unimpressed. They came from a jar and were placed on a salad. I found them rather oily and flavorless. And so, the decades flew by without me ever trying another one until I was in my late 30's. I was blogging and losing weight and trying new things, so I was determined to learn how to cook an artichoke myself. At least then I could say I'd tried it, right?

I had to look in a few cookbooks to figure out what to do with this big pokey thing, but once I figured it out, it was easy! Here's your lesson, in just a few easy steps: how to cook and eat an artichoke.

First, go to the grocery store and buy a nice, big, firm, heavy artichoke. It looks like this:

Rinse it under cold running water and shake off the excess. Use a kitchen knife to cut off the stem. You can save and steam it along with your artichoke; it is very good peeled. Mine didn't have a long stem so I tossed it. Then use your knife to cut off about an inch off the top. Take some scissors or kitchen shears and cut off the tip of each leaf. They are kind of pointy on the end, so this will keep you from getting poked while you cook and eat it. Plus it just looks prettier trimmed.

Now put a few inches of water in the bottom of a big pot and bring it to a boil. You can add things to the water to flavor the artichoke, like lemon, herbs, a bay leaf, or garlic, but I usually don't bother. If you have a steamer basket, use it. You can also set a metal colander over the pot instead. Put the artichoke in the basket or colander and cover it loosely with a lid or aluminum foil. Steam it for about 30 minutes. Smaller artichokes might take 20-25 minutes while giant ones might take 40. You can tell it is done by turning it over and poking the center base with a fork; it should be tender, and the leaves should pull off very easily without effort. Undercooked artichoke is hard and not good.

Remove the steamed artichoke to a plate and cool slightly so you don't burn your fingers eating it. Enjoying an artichoke is a ritual and takes time, but is so relaxing and enjoyable to me. If you are working on eating slowly, an artichoke is your best friend.

Once it is cool enough to handle, turn it over and start peeling off the leaves one at a time. There will be a little lump of tender flesh at the base of each leaf, see?

You scrape that flesh off with your teeth. Do not eat the leaves! Yuck! They are tough and fibrous. Just place each leaf between your front teeth, bite down, and pull the leaf out. What you scrape off is the tender flesh.

At first, you will wonder why you bothered. The outer, bottom leaves are the least tasty with the least amount of edible flesh to scrape off. But as you work your way through the artichoke, the leaves get more and more tender, with more yummy flesh to eat. See the leaf with the flesh scraped off?

Keep going. Oh, if you like, you can dip the leaves into a sauce or melted butter. There are recipes online for mayonnaise-based artichoke dipping sauces, but I just like to melt a little butter or "light" butter and/or have my salt shaker handy. So good. Just keep on pulling off leaves and eating...

The leaves get smaller and more tender until you can just bite off the very base of the small leaves. Then all of a sudden you have this:

Do not eat the fuzz! Yuck! Gross! That is called the "choke" and believe me, if you try to eat it you will know why. Instead, now is a good time to empty all those leaves off your plate, and use a spoon or small knife to scrape out all the fuzz, leaving behind the crown jewel of artichokes: the heart.

Doesn't look like much, but this is what you worked for! This is the best part. Slice it up and eat it with a fork, dipping it in butter if you like. It is so delicious and tender and to me tastes *nothing* like those marinated ones in a jar. This is a real, yummy vegetable, slightly reminiscent of tender, fresh sweet corn. It has a flavor all its own. You really have to try it.

One large artichoke (edible parts) has only 60 calories and gives you 4 g protein, 13 g carbs, 6 g fiber, no fat, 20% RDA of vitamin C, 8% RDA of iron, and 6% RDA of calcium. It is very much worth the effort and feels like a special indulgence every time I have one. If you haven't tried one, I hope this inspires you. Eat your veggies!

Medifast Transition: Week 1 (Day 1)

2012-02-21T18:19:00.000-08:00

Well, I had planned to switch from the Medifast 5&1 Plan to the Transition plan on March 1, but I started today instead. Why? Because a coffeehouse barista (apparently) put regular syrup instead of sugar free syrup in my 12-ounce coffee yesterday, and I didn't notice until the sugar ZING hit me... along with the crash later. It is a real headache (literally) to get back on the 5&1 Plan once you get knocked out of ketosis, so I decided to just stay out and start Transition a week early.

So week 1 of Transition is simple. Add two extra servings of vegetables a day, and keep on eating 5 Medifast meals and a Lean & Green (protein & veg) meal as well. The exciting part of this is that the two extra veggie servings can be ANY vegetables... not just the low carb ones allowed on Medifast 5&1. I get to add back in all the starchier, higher carb vegetables I have avoided for so long, including:

green peas, snow peas
onions
winter squashes such as acorn squash, Delicata squash, Kabocha squash, Butternut squash
corn
white potatoes, baby new potatoes
sweet potatoes and yams
artichokes
Brussels sprouts
carrots
canned pumpkin
beets

Today was great and I feel so much better with the extra vegetables added! I have more energy and am not hungry at all. In fact it was almost hard to eat so many veggies today, but I'll get used to it!

My dinners will look much the same for awhile, with a Lean protein (steak, chicken, fish, eggs, turkey, low fat dairy) and 3 lower carb veggie servings (mashed cauliflower, salads, roasted broccoli, green beans) with healthy fats (olive oil, avocado, olives, salad dressing). I still space my 5 Medifast meals 2-3 hours apart, but can include the extra veggies at breakfast or lunch.

So today, for breakfast I mixed 1/4 cup of plain canned pumpkin into my Medifast oatmeal along with a dash of pumpkin pie spice. It was so good and filling! I love pumpkin, so I will probably mix it into puddings, shakes, and oatmeal for awhile. I also love to add a Tablespoon of canned pumpkin to a Medifast brownie mix, which will be my evening snack for tonight. Very moist and good.

Midmorning I had a bottle of water and a Medifast protein bar while I went to agility class with my pup.

Lunch was the usual Medifast chocolate protein shake, but an hour later I enjoyed one of my very favorite treats: a whole, fresh, steamed artichoke. Oh, it was just heavenly! I adore artichokes and it is so nice to have them back in my diet again.

At 3:00, I mixed up a Medifast hot cocoa with coffee and ice to take with me on errands. That kept me full until dinnertime.

Dinner was in 2 parts because I split my Lean. One part was a 6oz bowl of nonfat Greek yogurt. The other part was an omelet made with 1/2 cup of Eggbeaters, 1/2 cup of turkey sausage crumbles, 1/2 cup of spinach, 1/4 cup of leeks, and 3/4 cup of mushrooms. That is a LOT of food!

All in all, today was a great success. I am so happy I decided to get started transitioning off Medifast back onto whole foods. If you want to know more about what weeks 2 through 6 look like in Transition and what the usual food intake will be in the end, you can read this post I wrote about it: New Plan Coming!

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free.*

Superfoods Challenge: Week 7

2012-02-20T10:19:00.000-08:00

We are now officially halfway through the Superfoods Challenge, with #7 of the Fourteen Foods That Will Change Your Life. So far, the list on your fridge reminding you what to eat should look like this:

Broccoli (Brussels sprouts, cabbage, kale, turnips, cauliflower, collards, bok choy, mustard greens, Swiss chard): 1/2 to 1 cup per day
Wild Salmon (Alaskan halibut, canned albacore tuna, sardines, herring, trout, sea bass, oysters, clams): 2 to 4 times per week
Yogurt (kefir): Two 8 ounce servings per day
Walnuts (almonds, pistachios, sesame seeds, peanuts, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, macadamia nuts, pecans, hazelnuts, cashews): five 1-ounce servings per week
Tea, green or black: 1 cup per day
Turkey Breast (chicken breast): three to four ounces, 3-4 times per week

This week's Superfood is a rather common, but powerful, one: spinach! I used to think I hated spinach. You know why? Because it was big, tough, sandy leaves. Ick. Later in life, "baby spinach" pre-washed in bags and clamshells became popular, and once I tried it that way I was sold! It is clean, flavorful, and tender and so convenient to use. I just grab a handful to add to a protein shake or an omelet or soup. It also makes a fantastic salad. Even if you are not a big spinach fan, try mixing it with your usual salad greens for a big nutritional boost. Here's some guidance on How to Build a Great Salad. (And if you have a Farmer's Market and want to buy fresh, local spinach like I do in the summertime, just plunge the leaves into a sink full of cold water, soak, swish and rinse. Do this several times for grit-free, fresh spinach.)

According to WHF, spinach is beneficial because of its antioxidant and antiinflammatory properties (which help those of us with arthritis and also help ward off cancer). The vitamin K1 in spinach promotes strong bones, too. Boiling spinach for one minute will help remove oxalates for those avoiding them due to kidney or gallbladder issues. One cup of cooked spinach provides 5.4 g protein, 7 g carbs, 0.5 g fat, 4.3 g fiber, 377% daily value of vitamin A, 29% DV of vitamin C, 66% DV of folate, and 1110% DV of vitamin K1 along with many other vitamins (including B's and E) for only 41 calories! You can't beat that.

Spinach has many sidekicks, and some of them we have already covered as they are sidekicks to other Superfoods as well:
kale, collards, swiss chard, mustard greens, and bok choy (also Sidekicks to Broccoli)
turnip greens (turnips themselves are also a Broccoli Sidekick)
arugula, Romaine lettuce, and orange bell peppers

One of my all-time favorite ways to eat spinach (besides in a salad) is in spinach dip. In this healthy recipe, you can use either frozen spinach or freshly boiled spinach. It's great as a dip for veggies or whole grain crackers.

Here's a post I did back in June all about arugula. It's a green I had heard about but never tried. If you're already eating plenty of spinach, maybe arugula can be your challenge veggie this week! Another recipe you can try for the Sidekicks is this one: yummy stuffed peppers are even better made with colorful orange (or red or yellow) peppers instead of plain old green ones.

The Superfoods Rx book recommends eating about 2 cups of spinach or its sidekicks nearly every day. So make it a point this week to enjoy this Superfood! If you have a recipe to share, head over to my BlogFrog community and post it! Have a great day :)

Letting Go

2012-02-19T09:19:00.000-08:00

Wow, I feel like I have gotten so out of touch with my body over this winter. This morning I was kind of shocked when I looked (really looked) in the mirror (unclothed). I used to look, and look hard. I used to know every bump and curve and how everything usually appeared and felt. Back when I was first going through the changes from 278 pounds down to 175, I took careful notice of every change. I mentioned on my blog whenever I saw new skin folds or wrinkles, or when I felt bones I hadn't noticed before. Some of those changes were GREAT and encouraging and exciting, while others were a bit disconcerting. Some of the changes were even distressing, like when I got into the 170's and saw extra skin hanging not only at my elbows, but also at my wrists. I started feeling vulnerable and afraid. And look! I fixed it! I gained back enough weight that my wrists look great again. Ha...

Of course, I want to get past it and continue losing weight. It was just freaking me out a bit the first time around. Now that I know what to expect and have had time to deal with it emotionally, I think it will be okay as I deal with it this time around. But I digress. My point really was that over the winter, I got out of the habit of looking at and feeling and noticing my body. I think in some way I wanted to ignore it, to put my fingers in my ears and say "lalalalala, I can't hear you!!" as my body was shouting for attention. I covered it up with long sleeves and baggy sweatshirts and stopped *really* looking in mirrors.

I think the springlike weather and sunshine has reawakened something in me. I am looking again... noticing and feeling. And wow has my body changed! I am not exactly thrilled with the changes, either. But, you know, I love my body. I accept it as it is right now, while working on improving my health and knowing that that, in turn, will bring changes in my body again.

I've been sort of ignoring the scale a lot this month too. I didn't want to see a number over 199 again, so I just didn't look. I have NOT been eating off plan, and there have been no binges. But I've been stuck at 199 for so long. I have been eating very well this whole past week... pretty much eating ideally for me at this stage. Yet I got on the scale this morning and saw 205. Well, it is what it is. It will come off eventually. I am definitely not eating poorly. Maybe a bit too much sodium though. I will keep an eye on that this week and get back to daily weighing so I know what's going on with me. And I am also getting back to really looking, really feeling, and KNOWING my body again. Maybe this sounds crazy, but I think part of healthy weight loss IS paying attention. If I ignore my body, even if I am eating right, then I think some mental part of me will not be able to change. Change in my body has to follow change in my mind, heart, and feelings. At least that's been my experience.

So the plan for this week is to continue on, eating well, keeping an eye on the sodium, and paying some real attention to my body. Just like people sometimes say they have to tell a dying pet or loved one "it's okay to go," I think I need to tell my extra body weight that. It's served a purpose all these years. Maybe there is some fear and hesitation subconsciously in letting go, but it is time. I will be letting my extra weight and that FatGirl part of my psyche know that "it's okay to go."

Sleep!

2012-02-18T22:22:00.000-08:00

Yep, lack of sleep is still a definite issue for me. It has been for awhile. I think it affects my energy level, my eating, and my weight.

Part of the price I pay for the blessing and privilege of having children is giving up sleep. It started in pregnancy, continued through babyhood and young childhood, and then I got a bit of a reprieve when my boys got old enough to go to bed and STAY in bed at night and to get up and watch some cartoons with a bowl of cereal on weekends. I think I got sleep for about 2 years, from the time my youngest son was 7 until his baby sister was born. Then all bets were off again.

You'd think that with adult children, it would be easy! Adult kids don't need Mom to get up and see them off to work or college or even make them breakfast, and if they stay up til 1am it doesn't affect me because they are considerate and not loud. But since my bedroom is right off the kitchen, and I am a super-light sleeper, I wake up anytime someone goes in there to get food or eat. Which is a lot, with this many kids.

If I had my way, I'd go to bed at 10 every night and sleep soundly until 7am. But it's just not happening. There's a "no cooking after 10pm" rule, but that only helps a little. Here's how my nights often go.

9:45pm: I am tired, I start getting ready for bed. Teenagers start showing up asking for stuff they need for school, or help with homework, or they are starving to death and need a cracker. I get the old dog medicated and put in his pen. I get the pup fed and settled in her crate. She has a lot of energy and doesn't settle well any earlier. I have to give her a small meal RIGHT before bed, because if she goes more than 8 hours without eating, she pukes bile.
10:30: I get in bed.
11:00: I fall asleep.
12:30: My daughter comes in crying because she had a nightmare, or she comes in telling me she needs to use the bathroom, or she sort of sleepwalks out of her room and into the hall in a confused state and then I have to redirect her back to her bed. She gets up in the night about 80% of the time for one reason or another.
1:00: I fall back asleep. It always takes me a long time to fall asleep...
2:00: I wake up and have to pee.
4:00: I wake up with a kid in my bed who flails around a lot. I put a row of pillows between us.
5:30: I wake up because my son is in the kitchen eating breakfast because he has to go to work.
6:15: Another kid is now in the shower, which is on the other side of my bedroom wall and wakes me up.
6:30-6:45: My little girl is all bright eyed and chirping, "good morning!!" The old dog is barking to get out of his pen, and the pup is puking bile in her crate if no one fed her yet, and they both need to go out to pee.

And that's how it goes, pretty much all the time. On days there's no school or working kid, the happy princess wakes me up. And on the very rare occasion she sleeps in, the puking/barking dogs still get me up early. If I try to go to bed earlier, the dogs bark and puke earlier. Ah well...

And no, I do not nap. Yes, it is logistically possible. No, I cannot fall asleep. Lord knows I have tried, but the only time I ever succeed at sleeping in the day is when I am very sick. Otherwise, I just lie there being annoyed that I can't sleep. I do try and take a break mid-day, but not a nap. And sleep aids are not really an option for me, as I need to be able to get up in the night and take care of a child or whatever else I might be called upon to do. They just seem to give me headaches, anyway.

I try and see this as a phase that I will someday miss, kind of like those sleep deprived days when I was nursing newborns every 2 hours round the clock. Someday I will miss the sound of that old dog barking. Someday I will wish my kids were still here waking me up instead of moved out, living their own lives. I know that. So I just try not to let it frustrate me. The only problem is, I do believe lack of sleep is affecting my health. Not sure what I can do about that right now.

Changing the Foundation

2012-02-18T10:09:00.000-08:00

Only 12 more days (counting today) until March 1! March always feels more like spring to me. I struggle so much from December through February so I am really looking forward to more sunlight and hopefully better weather. I am also *very* excited about transitioning to my new plan. I am still aiming for March 1 as my start date, but I am allowing myself a little leeway too. If I feel like I am going to go off plan before then, I will transition early. If I am still going strong on the Medifast 5 & 1 plan on March 1, I might wait a few extra days to transition.

It will be nice to start eating higher carb veggies again like sweet potatoes, acorn squash, and peas! I plan to watch the scale very carefully and keep my calories low enough to continue losing weight. As soon as I hit a stall or gain, I am going to start biking again. I will start biking anyway at some point, but don't want to add that into the mix at the same time as I am changing up my diet. I am rather curious to see how my body will respond to all the changes.

Last night's dinner was 5 ounces of flat iron steak and a big plate of fresh steamed asparagus.

Sometimes I wonder if I will *ever* get truly used to eating healthy. Over the past 4.5 years, I have gone for weeks or even months at a stretch eating delicious, healthy foods like fresh veggies, fruits, lean protein, healthy fats, and whole grains, and then I revert to eating hot dogs, chips, and Oreos. Why is that? I wonder if the habits of junk are so ingrained from childhood that they will never fully disappear. It's not that I don't enjoy the healthy foods; I do. I like them. They taste good and I feel good. But it's like the very base foundation for eating was laid with ice cream and candy, and every time I build a healthy-eating house on top of that childhood foundation, it eventually crumbles. I wonder if there is a way to tear up that old foundation that was poured in concrete when I was a toddler and young child, and replace it with a new, stronger, healthier base. Not sure if that is actually possible, or if I will always have this underlying desire to eat processed crap all the time. Has anyone out there truly conquered this? Did you grow up, like I did, eating junk food 99% of the time and then transform your life and desires, with no looking back?

Either way, only I am in control of what I put in my mouth. Hopefully that will get me to where I want to be.

Today's Eats, and Pictures Coming

2012-02-16T15:55:00.000-08:00

I am feeling really good lately! Remember those pictures I took of myself a month or so ago when I was feeling awful about my pants not fitting? Well, now they fit. And soon, I am going to take new pictures in those pants and post them with the 'before' shots. It makes me feel good :)

Today my little one is home sick from school. She had a high fever and has been resting all day, which means I, too, was forced to take a day of rest. It's been very nice! I do wish she felt better though.

Today's lunch was a delicious omelet filled with turkey sausage, fresh steamed asparagus, baby portabella mushrooms, and low fat cheese. That with a cup of iced green tea really hit the spot! I also enjoyed some Greek yogurt later to round out my protein choices, and just finished a snack of heart-healthy pistachios. Eating well is very satisfying!

Not much else going on today; I had a phone interview with a writer from CNN for this article yesterday. I will have to do a post on that topic later, as I have much to say about it. That's all for now!

Avocado Heaven: Turkey/Chicken Cobb Salad

2012-02-15T19:05:00.000-08:00

Tonight's dinner was truly delicious! This low carb, healthy recipe is packed with nutrition and protein, but not calories or carbs: Turkey (or Chicken) Cobb Salad:

If you're like me and love Cobb Salad, you've ordered it in restaurants where it comes heaped with cheeses, bacon, eggs, avocado, and dressing to the tune of 1054 calories and 73 grams of fat (if you're at Red Robin and getting the grilled chicken version and 2 oz of Blue Cheese Dressing). Instead, you can have the filling and flavorful Cobb Salad above for less than 1/3 the calories and fat! Here's how:

Healthy Turkey (or Chicken) Cobb Salad

1 cup Romaine lettuce, chopped
1/2 cup thinly sliced cucumber
1/4 cup thinly sliced mushrooms
1/4 cup chopped tomatoes or halved cherry tomatoes
3 ounces of cold sliced turkey or chicken breast (I used low sodium deli turkey breast; turkey is our Superfood of the week)
1 hard boiled egg, quartered
3/4 ounce sliced avocado
0.8 ounces reduced fat shredded cheese (I used Kraft 2% Cheddar; 0.8 oz = just under 2 Tbsp shredded)
2 Tbsp reduced fat blue cheese crumbles

Layer everything on a plate and enjoy! This entire recipe contains:
329 calories
33g protein
16g fat
10g carbs

If you want to get really decadent, you can add a slice of crisp crumbled bacon (40 calories) and a tablespoon of Marie's Lite Blue Cheese Dressing (35 calories) and still have a remarkable meal for only about 400 calories. Enjoy!

Avocados and the Evening Munchies

2012-02-15T07:24:00.000-08:00

As you may have noticed in my menus and planned menus in yesterday's post, I am having a love affair with avocados lately. I hadn't been eating them because they were not on the "allowed foods" list for Medifast, but that recently changed; 1.5 oz of avocado is now a Healthy Fat serving. I admit I have gone a little overboard with them this week. They were on sale at the grocery store, and oh my goodness are they delicious! They are perfectly ripe and yummy. I cannot tell you how good they taste after not eating them for almost 2 years! So I've been adding them to my meals, even when technically my protein does not require a healthy fat. I have to stop doing that. Maybe that's why I am having trouble with the scale this week. I rationalize in my mind: "but avocado is so nutritious!" And it is, but I don't need any extra fat.

I want to eat at night, too. I do fine all day long, staying on plan, and then POOF. After a perfectly delicious, on plan, filling dinner, I start wanting to eat. Anything. I get so cravey lately that I have been having a cup or two of flavored (unsweetened, nothing added) herbal tea after dinner to kill the sweet tooth (cinnamon apple is so good!). But then I start craving something else... lately avocados. Last night I ate half of one.

I used to have this nighttime eating thing conquered, but it's reared its ugly head again. How do you deal with the evening munchies? It really isn't hunger; it's something else.

Today

2012-02-14T13:29:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a really good day! I got lots done and stuck to my eating plan. Dinner was taco salad made from lean ground beef over Romaine, baby spinach, peppers, cherry tomatoes, low fat cheddar, black olives, with a bit of salsa and sour cream (the kids had tacos). Tonight I am frying up a nice big grass fed beef burger and wrapping it in lettuce with tomatoes and a slice of avocado, alongside a pile of mashed cauliflower. And tomorrow I will *finally* be making a salad with this week's Superfood (either cubed turkey breast or chicken breast) over a big plate of Romaine, baby spinach, mushrooms, tomatoes, hard boiled eggs, avocado, and light blue cheese crumbles.

Today's events include a visit to the dentist for a chipped tooth, an agility class with my pup, prepping Valentines with my little girl, a broken down car, a mending sore shoulder, dance class, helping my son do his taxes, and filling out college forms with my other son for fall. Fun times :)

Catch you later!

Superfoods Challenge: Week 6

2012-02-13T11:42:00.000-08:00

It's already Week 6 of the Superfoods Challenge! Are you feeling healthier yet? I know I am! Adding green tea last week made a definite difference in my energy level (I think cutting out sodas helped, too). If you've been following along, you should have the following list pinned to your bulletin board or stuck to your refrigerator:

Broccoli (Brussels sprouts, cabbage, kale, turnips, cauliflower, collards, bok choy, mustard greens, Swiss chard): 1/2 to 1 cup per day
Wild Salmon (Alaskan halibut, canned albacore tuna, sardines, herring, trout, sea bass, oysters, clams): 2 to 4 times per week
Yogurt (kefir): Two 8 ounce servings per day
Walnuts (almonds, pistachios, sesame seeds, peanuts, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, macadamia nuts, pecans, hazelnuts, cashews): five 1-ounce servings per week
Tea, green or black: 1 cup per day

The goal is to keep these foods available in your kitchen and make your food choices at meals and snacks based on this list. Try to include as many Superfoods as possible each day. Focusing on what TO eat takes the obsession off what you *shouldn't* be eating and gives a positive energy to your food thoughts. You will be filled and nourished with healthy foods with little time or stomach room for junk.

This week's Superfood is: turkey. Yep, turkey! This is one Superfood that surprised me when I first read about it. I mean, we hear all about the health benefits of salmon and walnuts and broccoli, but turkey? What's so special about that?

According to the SuperfoodsRx website, "Skinless turkey breast is one of, if not the leanest meat protein sources on the planet. This alone could make it a SuperFood: but turkey also offers a rich array of nutrients, particularly niacin, selenium, vitamins B6 and B12, and zinc. These nutrients are heart-healthy and are also valuable in helping to lower the risk for cancer." B vitamins are essential for good energy levels and mood. A four-ounce serving of turkey breast provides 34 grams of protein, 42% RDA of vitamin B3, 32% RDA of vitamin B6, and contains no carbs and less than a gram of fat, all for only 153 calories. You can read more about the health benefits of turkey on WHF or in the book SuperFoods Rx: Fourteen Foods That Will Change Your Life.

Turkey has one sidekick: skinless chicken breast. This is a food many of us probably eat more often than turkey, and it, too, is a very low fat source of protein and has a similar nutritional profile to turkey, including lots of B vitamins. SuperfoodsRx recommends having a 3 to 4 ounce serving of skinless turkey or chicken breast 3 to 4 times each week.

I like to roast my turkey or chicken, but you can bake, poach, microwave, or grill it, or use your crock pot. Cubed or shredded turkey or chicken can be used in soups, casseroles, stir-fries, or over salads. My very favorite way to use chicken is in this recipe: Easy Chicken Fajitas. They are low carb, healthy, and so good! Some other low carb ideas include Chicken Salad in Butter Lettuce Cups, Crock Pot Chicken Taco Soup, and Low Carb Fettuccine Alfredo with chunks of chicken breast mixed in at the end. I think turkey breast would work well in any of these recipes. I also like to make burgers from ground turkey breast cooked in olive oil and wrap them in big lettuce leaves with sliced tomato and avocado. Yummy! If you're not low carbing, there are many more chicken and turkey recipes on my Recipes page; scroll down to the non-low-carb entries. The turkey soup is fantastic!

I hope you'll add some of your favorite ways to enjoy turkey and chicken here or on my BlogFrog forum; there are some good ideas over there for each of the past Superfoods. Let me know what you try and what you like. Eat your Superfoods!

Spring Cleaning and a Gravy Boat

2012-02-12T21:53:00.000-08:00

It *must* be spring, because I did some spring cleaning today! I'm not sure what came over me; perhaps it was energy from the sunshine. But I dove right into the room that needed it the most.

Don't judge me, my bedroom had become a disaster area. I have this awful habit of letting clutter build in the living room and on the dining room counter, and then when I can't take it anymore or have company coming over (whichever comes first), I toss everything into an empty box and stick it in my bedroom to sort "later." Only, later doesn't come. Thus I had several boxes of random stuff piled in there, along with tons of other things that I had brought upstairs to "work on": photographs, paperwork, clothes that need mending, and things that used to belong to my parents. There was also a huge box of dog-related stuff that has been accumulating, like dock diving bags, various collars and leashes, tracking harnesses, treats, chews, and toys. And of course, piles of (clean) clothes that are too big or too small for me.

I haven't sorted the stuff in my bedroom in a long time. A lot of the emotional stuff is in there, and just like when I had to sort through the office boxes, it can dredge up a lot of feelings and memories. All this stuff... the remnants of the past that I hadn't quite let go of. Yet.

Honestly, I walked in there this afternoon, stood in the middle of the room for about 3 minutes, looked around, and walked back out. Twenty minutes later I went back in, *wanting* to do something, but I just did not know how to start. It was all stuff I *needed* to keep and *couldn't* get rid of... all of it! It had all been sorted a dozen times and never made it to the trash can or the Goodwill box. There were reasons for that.

My teenage son walked in. I started telling him how frustrating it was. "There is SO MUCH STUFF!" I said. "Look at it all, it is stuff I have to keep!" I looked around for an example. "Look at this gravy boat!" I said, grabbing the white piece of ceramic from my dresser. (Yes, I had a gravy boat on my dresser...)

"What is THAT?" he asked.
"When your Dad and I got married, my cousins came down for the reception and they each gave us a piece from this... this... white ceramic, um, collection. I have a big white ceramic bowl in the garage that matches this, it's an octagon, I've never used it! And they gave me a platter thing, and this... this gravy boat and its little gravy boat plate. And what, we have used it three times in 22 years?"
My son smiled. I think he was finding this amusing.
"No, really! In our old house I had a big china cabinet and we had all this stuff in there but now, there is no room for it in the kitchen! And it would just get broken anyway!"
My son laughed, and all of a sudden I saw just how ridiculous it was to be lugging this gravy boat around to various states across the country for 2 decades and keeping it on top of my dresser. We never use it! It's not pretty! And I am not even close to my cousins. For the first time I suddenly did not need to keep that gravy boat anymore.

I kept sorting. I kept dusting and vacuuming and putting stuff in trash bags and Goodwill boxes.
"Look!" I said to my son a half hour later, "these are the candlestick things that go with that gravy boat! See?? Look, they match it!" And my son laughed, and said, "Why?? Why do you have those?" and he was so right, and I laughed because those white ceramic octagonal candlestick holders have sat on top of my bookshelf for more than 15 years because they matched the gravy boat, even though they never have had a candle in them.

Funny the things we hold on to.
Emotional clutter shows itself in our homes, in our lives, on our bodies.

I feel lighter now, and it will be so nice to go to bed in a clutter-free bedroom. I think I will sleep much better tonight.

Is It Spring Yet?

2012-02-12T10:29:00.000-08:00

Good morning! Finally, the grey gloomy winter weather seems to have given way to sunny, spring-like weather (at least for now). It does wonders for my mood and energy level when the daylight lengthens and the sun is shining. SO glad to be closing in on spring!

The month is almost halfway gone, too. My weight has not gone down (yet) but I am pleased with the changes I am gradually making for my health. Two more weeks and I know exactly what higher-carb veggie I will be adding back in first: sweet potatoes. I can hardly wait! I saw some locally grown sweet potatoes at the market yesterday and just imagining one baked and cut in half with butter and sea salt is enough to keep me on track! That will be a reward worth waiting for.

I have my spring and summer and even fall visualized in my head already; the fresh produce from local farmers, the long walks, the strength training and biking and skating are all fresh in mind. I can see myself back in those size 10 jeans, and I can feel the ocean air on my skin as I hike in the forests with my children on vacation this summer. I can almost taste those garden tomatoes drizzles with olive oil and paired with basil. Yum. I have had a taste of this life already, and can't wait to get back to it.

I'm not sure why I let winter suck the life out of me every year. I try using my light box and I always take extra vitamin D3, but it just isn't enough. I strongly dislike winter and being cooped up and cold. Maybe next year I can make it my business to turn winter into a season I look forward to. It sure would make 1/4 of the year happier for me if I could figure out a way to do that!

Today I am having more leeks and asparagus (so yummy) and probably Greek yogurt.

Enjoy the things you love today!

Undecided.

2012-02-11T13:08:00.000-08:00

Went to the local market today and got myself some eggs from local free range chickens and some local grass fed beef. I also got some apples and a large leek from a nearby farm, and some local honey for the kids. I was eyeballing the sweet potatoes and acorn squash, but decided to wait. I am still going to try and delay Transition another week or two. I've been eating on plan today and will probably have some of those eggs for dinner, along with the leek sauteed with fresh asparagus (just like I used to make!)

I've been looking at the foods in my cabinet and trying to decide on each one whether it still should have a place in my diet (or my kids'). I am reading labels and making decisions, trying to stay away from chemicals and junk. I am undecided about PB2, though. It's basically dehydrated, defatted peanuts and says it is "all natural, no additives." I like it because it is SO much lower calorie/fat than regular peanut butter (2 Tbsp has 45 calories versus 180 calories for peanut butter!) and it has a good flavor. I put it in shakes and on pancakes and in hot cocoa. The ingredients are roasted peanuts, salt, and sugar (and chocolate in the chocolate version). There's only 1 gram of sugar in 2 Tbsp so that's not really significant. But is it better to ditch something "processed" like this, even if there are no additives, and stick with actual peanuts or natural peanut butter? I'm not sure. If calories are an issue, PB2 may be better. But peanuts contain healthy fat. What do you think? Does something like PB2 have a place in a "whole foods" type of approach?

Just Some Thoughts

2012-02-10T23:29:00.000-08:00

How are things? Here's how...

This week, I reinstituted the habit of having unsweetened iced green tea with lunch. I ditched sodas. I switched from sugar free coffee creamer to using a tablespoon of half and half and a Splenda placket. I am gradually cutting the Splenda back (partial packets to half packets to small amounts and then eliminate it).

My son was sick with a cold last week and I have gotten it myself. Sore throat and headache, congestion. But hey, I got my taxes done!

Been thinking a lot about things lately. I am really getting it, now, why so many people a) become obese b) stay fat c) regain the weight they lost. The statistics aren't that great. Permanent weight loss has become some kind of holy grail. People are willing to do anything, pay big bucks, take all kinds of pills, have surgery, whatever it takes. And that's because it is not easy.

It seems easy when you have "lost weight." Lots of people do that. Lose a chunk of weight over a couple months or a year. But then most of them regain it, or at least part of it. And lots of people yo yo. You know why? Time. Time unravels a lot of things and people and plans.

You can find a lot of people who've lost 30 or 50 or even 80 pounds last year. But you don't find as many who lost 30 or 50 or 80 pounds five years ago. Or ten. That is a whole different level of commitment... of *true* lifestyle change.

I remember how, a few months in when I had lost a good chunk of weight, people would say to me, "that's nice, but let's see where you are five years from now." I find that terribly obnoxious. I'd never say that to anyone losing weight; it almost sounds like you're dooming them to failure. You never can tell which person will keep it off. Only time can tell. But now at least I understand why they said that.

It is one thing to lose weight.
It is another thing to lose weight and keep it off for the rest of your life.
And the only thing we can say for sure is how we are doing *so far.*

So far, I am doing better than average. Keeping off 80 pounds for several years, that's something. It speaks to my level of commitment and the real changes I have made in my life. But not actively losing weight right now, not getting the rest off, that also speaks to my level of commitment.and the lifestyle changes I still need to make.

I am frustrated right now. I ate stuff that was off plan today. Granted, part of it was healthy stuff like salmon and eggs and pomegranate, but part of it was not. What gets me is, I *know* where eating "on plan" 80% of the time gets me: maintenance. Which would be nice if I was at a maintenance weight, but I'm not. It feels like walking in circles sometimes. I keep going past the same spot over and over and over.

Well, the good thing is that aside from my weight, my personal life is very good. Less stress, happier kids, dogs are doing well, I am happy. Aside from the weight, I am in a pretty good place.

Hmmmm.

2012-02-09T09:19:00.000-08:00

Still 199. What gives?

I think my body has gotten so used to the same old same old thing that it is just not responding like it used to.

It gets a little discouraging sometimes. I get fired up and work hard at something that I believe will help me shed the pounds... like when I started exercising again, or just staying on plan with my eating... and then when I go a week or two with no losses, I feel frustrated. I want to see some good coming of my efforts.

I am thinking about starting Transition before March 1. My whole reason for staying with the 5 & 1 Plan through February was to try and kick off a good chunk of weight before changing things again. But the scale is not budging.

Step 1 for Transition is just adding 2 extra veggie servings, but they can be starchy veggies that I have not been eating (like winter squash, sweet potatoes, Brussels sprouts, green peas). Once I add those, my calories and carbs will be high enough to support a good amount of exercise.

Maybe it is pointless to wait until March 1. I am going to mull it over.

Dinner, and a New Way

2012-02-08T23:21:00.000-08:00

Romaine
Baby spinach
Grape tomatoes
Low fat blue cheese
Hard boiled eggs
Avocado

I am done with sodas. I finished my last bottle of coffee creamer, too. I am done with that sugar free hydrogenated poison. I just can't do that to myself anymore. Trans fats are bad, bad stuff, and even if it is a small enough amount for the label to claim "zero" trans fats, which could be anything up to a half gram per serving. I need to become a better label reader; instead of focusing only on calories and fat grams and carbs and fiber, I need to read the *ingredients.* Better yet, eat food without a label. The Farmer's Market will be reopening with fresh local produce this spring. That's where most of my food will be coming from during the growing season. Until then, the produce section will have to do.

I would like to get better at making things like salad dressings and simple condiments and sauces. No more bottled crap. I have a goal to eat as local, fresh, and natural as possible. I am ditching the artificial sweeteners, the Egg Beaters (as much as I love using them, I do believe real fresh eggs are healthier), the processed garbage cookies and all the other things that contain huge ingredient lists of chemicals and artificials and who knows what else.

I thought for a long time today about why I struggle to eat. Not in an anorexic way, but in an oddly confused, not-sure-what-to-put-on-my-plate way. Growing up, we did not eat a lot of *food.* Maybe we did and I have forgotten. My Dad was a great cook. I do remember his turkey soup and sometimes he'd make pork chops or steak or chicken. But for the most part what I recall is my mother's inability to cook and her adoration for crap foods. The freezer was packed with ice cream and Weight Watcher frozen dinners. In the fridge was chip dip and cheese spreads and hot dogs and Velveeta along with beer and sodas and Kool-Aid. The pantry was full of chips and cheese puffs, crackers and cookies, Tastycakes and pretzels. There were boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, always. Oh, and Ramen. Lots of Ramen. My favorite fruit as a kid was a lemon sliced in wedges and dredged in a bowl of sugar. I kid you not.

That was my normal. And to go from breakfasts of chocolate ice cream or Fruity Pebbles to eating *real foods* was daunting for me. I didn't know how at first. My first attempts at healthy breakfasts included toasted Wonder bread and eggs scrambled in margarine. It has taken me a long time to even comprehend what I *should* be eating for my health, and then on top of understanding and learning to prepare the foods, I've had to fight those deeply ingrained habits I was raised with that still drive me to want a fried bologna sandwich on white bread with ketchup. In times of stress or even just when I am tired, my brain goes there first. So easy to grab a donut or a frozen sausage biscuit for breakfast rather than *think* and *prep* something healthy. So convenient to grab a drive-thru burger and fries or nuke some Pizza Rolls than to create a nourishing meal. But the price of convenience, paid from my health is too steep. That's why I am learning a new way.

Dreams: When My Life Changed

2012-02-08T10:45:00.000-08:00

Waking up this morning in that bit of a fog between reality and dream, I felt a wave of sadness wash over me when I saw where I was. I was not where I had dreamed myself to be.

I was so young back then, and full of hope and promise, 20 years old and newly married to a man I absolutely worshipped and adored, with our first child growing in my large, protruding belly. Reality, back then, was that we had just purchased our first home together. It was an old, early 1900's farmhouse on a few acres, and my husband's dream was to have a small dairy herd to supplement our income. The old red barn with its empty stalls and stanchions held so much hope for us. The fields were ready for planting, and we were about to begin our farm and our family together.

My in-laws had come for a visit; we were doing some much-needed renovations on the farmhouse before the little one was due to arrive. I was picking out lovely shades of blue and brick colored carpet for our living room and bedroom and painting an old dresser a soothing pale yellow to match the teddy-bears-in-sailboats wallpaper I'd chosen for the nursery. It was a lot of work for both of us: stripping wallpaper, removing old plaster held to the walls with what looked like chicken wire shaping one side of the living room into a faux fireplace; yanking out cabinets and floors and putting in new ones and drywall and appliances. We had some cash from the sale of my husband's prior home, and we were saving a ton by doing all of the work on the "new" house ourselves. I stayed away from fumes and dust the best I could, and my father-in-law and my stepsons helped get the work done. But most of it was done by my husband. I was so in love with him. I knew, just knew, he was put in my path by God. We were meant to be a family. We would sit on the porch of our farmhouse in rocking chairs in our old age together, watching the grandchildren play in the yard. I just knew it. I was so, so happy.

We had many happy times in that old farmhouse; all of my sons were born while we lived there. All of them came home from the hospital, riding in our old van up the dirt driveway to be carried inside and loved and raised in that old house. They nursed in the rocking chair in the master bedroom that my husband had created from an attached garage. For the first few weeks they slept in a bassinet in the open, walk-in closet he had built across from our bed. They learned to crawl on that pale blue carpet in the living room and napped in a crib in that teddy bear nursery. My babies turned to toddlers and preschoolers and I sang them each to sleep at night after holding them by the window to look at the stars and the tiny lights far off in 'town' half an hour's drive away. They ran to the barn to milk goats with me, they toddled in the garden picking raspberries and carrots with me, they walked the irrigation ditches to cut wild asparagus with me. They gathered eggs with me in our chicken coop and ran wild in the fields with our big yellow dog. They played in the tractor-tire sandbox their father had made in our yard and enjoyed their simple birthday parties outdoors with their little friends. I washed the dishes each night while looking out the window as the sky turned pink and orange and red while the sun set over the mountains of the Wasatch Front.

We were loved. Living in a small farming community, we always felt like family to our neighbors. We grew corn and gave bags away to nearby families; others grew tomatoes and shared with us. When there was a 'down cow' at a dairy farm, the grandma would call anyone she thought might be in need and offer a share of free beef once the butcher had done his job. We helped each other, loved each other, worshipped together. When someone was sick, we brought them soup. We cleaned their house for them or babysat. When I went into premature labor with one of my sons, everyone stepped in to help care for my children and bring us dinners so that I could be on bed rest. When a baby was born, we got together to sew a quilt for them. The older women took me under their wings and taught me how to garden, to can fruits and vegetables, to cook, and to quilt. I had mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, nieces, and nephews... not by blood, but by heart. I never felt alone.

When my marriage was struggling, I found hope because there was always some religious leader to come into our home and counsel us. There was support. Divorce was not an option... at least, that's how it felt. We were a family and we would work it out. Ups and downs, very difficult circumstances, but the love I was surrounded with made up for it.

Seven years later, we moved. When my father-in-law had visited back when we first bought the farmhouse, he had once paused from scraping wallpaper and said to me, "Maybe you'll move back east again so we can see you more often!" I had responded, "Oh no. We are here forever. This is our home. It is so very special to me because my husband *made* this home for me! We put our hearts into it. Wild horses couldn't drag me away from this place, because it is the home that Love built." And he got tears in his eyes, because I loved his son so much. Yet here we were, seven years later, about to leave. My husband had gotten a better job in another state many hours away, and we felt this was best for our family. Many tears were shed and I had such mixed feelings about leaving: excitement for a new start, but great sadness leaving behind our beloved home and community. Everyone cried as they held my fourth baby, just weeks old, kissing him goodbye and hugging me as we packed our things to leave.

That's when my life changed. That moment is the distinct point in time... that very hour when we were gathering our children and getting into our cars to leave... that my life was unalterably changed forever.

We moved to a city. It was a small city, by most people's standards, but was still the biggest city I had ever lived in. A rental house for six months, then a purchased home in the suburbs. No farm animals here; no garden, no country fields for play. Busy streets and fences between neighbors made it difficult to adjust. Here is where I lost my religion; the new church was just not the same nor as welcoming as the old one. I never felt the community I had before, even though I did all the same things: babysat and cleaned and cooked for others when they were sick, joined in all the activities, taught Sunday school, invited people over. People just seemed so busy here. Moms worked. No one canned or quilted. There was just no sense of community for me. I felt very alone. Years ticked by and I only got close to a few. And when I stopped going to church, almost no one bothered to call or come by and see if I was okay.

I wasn't okay. I was so far from okay it was frightening. Less than two years from our move, my husband and I got divorced. And let me tell you, "city" life as a single mother with four little kids is about as far as you can possibly get from the life I had before we moved. I was thrown into an unfamiliar world with no family, and chaos ensued. Oh, I made it through somehow. I raised the kids. I made a few friends. I managed to hang onto our house. I worked, I went back to college, I got some degrees. My toddlers and preschoolers grew up here, no more chicken eggs or garden carrots to gather, no more sheep or goats to pat, no fields to run in. But we did okay. The kids made plenty of friends at school. They played in parks instead of fields and when we ran out of food we got donuts and Ramen at the food bank instead of tomatoes and beef from neighbors. The kids had things here they never would have had in our old home: a school they could walk to, Little League teams to play on, real soccer fields with real teams to compete against, city buses to ride with their friends. They went on Boy Scout trips for camping and rock climbing and got to play instruments in concerts and went to a real city pool for swimming lessons. They had a big library to borrow books from and we were even close enough to the ocean to go camping there every summer. We had good times. And I grew to love it here, in our new home.

I dreamed I was in our old house with my children last night. I was smiling to be finally back "home." I was walking through the rooms, remembering all the work we put into each wall and floor and ceiling. My little ones were playing in their rooms and their laughter echoed down the stairs. I felt content and at peace and I said, "I want to stay here." And I knew I always would. And then I woke up.

My life now is good. Great, even. I am happy with what I have created here, and when I think about it, I know I'd never want to move back there. But some part of me seems to mourn the loss of what we had back then. Some part of me wishes we had never left. I dream of my children playing in the fields under the sunset mountains. I taste the fresh raspberries as my children's pudgy fingers toss them into the pot as we make jam. I hear them laughing... I imagine those rocking chairs on the porch, forty years of marriage, holding hands, grandkids picking dandelions and playing in the grass.

I know it isn't real. I do remember the bad... the real reasons we divorced. I see him sometimes, and I know I would never, ever want to go back to that relationship because truly, it was bad. My memories and dreams whitewash the past and revert to the time were we were newly married and nothing was wrong yet. My dreams never have him in them. Just the house, the farm, my babies standing on stepstools washing dirty carrots in the sink.

I have one of the greatest blessings of my life now: my wonderful daughter. She never would have happened had I not moved here. I have often recounted how very thankful I am that we did move. I think I would be in a far worse place now had we not. But somehow, even though I am happy and satisfied with *this* life, the memories... the dreams... of the old life reappear now and then. But when the morning fog lifts, I look around me and know I am where I need to be.

New Plan Coming!

2012-02-07T10:00:00.000-08:00

Good morning! I am having a good week so far. I seem to be over my weekend illness; no more vomiting. I am staying off the scale for a bit, because on Sunday once I was able to eat and keep food down I mostly had juice and toast. It was whole wheat toast, but it was buttered! The higher carb count probably has me retaining water, and I really do not want to see a number higher than 199 again, so I will wait a few days to take a peek. I have not seen anything *lower* than 199 yet and I am going into week 3 at that weight. I am hoping to see a decent loss through February, as this is my final month doing the Medifast 5 & 1 Plan.

I am very excited for the 'big change' (at least it feels big to me!) that will happen next month. On March 1 I am starting Medifast's Transition Program. It's their official plan to switch back to a whole foods diet when you are done with the weight loss phase of Medifast. No, I am not done losing weight, but I need a change. I am ready to get back to whole foods, so I will be transitioning carefully but still keeping my calories on the lower side (1500-1600ish to start) while adding exercise back in. When I am done with Transition, which is a 6-week program, I am going to eat mainly from the South Beach diet food list. I won't officially be doing South Beach or any other diet, but I really think it is a healthy way to eat: lean meats, fruits and veggies, healthy fats, beans, legumes, and very limited sweets. I will just use that food list as well as my Superfoods list on my refrigerator to make my daily food choices and guard against slipping back into an "eat whatever sounds good" habit. I want guidelines but not rigid rules. And I still want to get down into the 160's, maybe even 150's. We'll see how that goes.

So here is an idea of the changes I will be making. Right now, I am still doing the 5 & 1 Plan, which includes 5 Medifast meals and one Lean & Green meal, plus an optional snack. That looks something like this:

7am: coffee w/sugar free creamer
8am: Medifast peach oatmeal with a splash of unsweetened vanilla almond milk
10am: Medifast hot cocoa made with decaf coffee
12 noon: Medifast chicken noodle soup with celery added, iced green tea
3pm: Medifast peanut butter crunch bar
4:30pm: 30 pistachios
6pm: 6 oz chicken breast grilled w/Mrs. Dash, 1/2 c green beans, 1 c green salad w/light dressing, 1/2 c mashed cauliflower
8:30pm: Medifast brownie

Which averages out to a daily intake of 850-1100 calories, 85g carbs, 75+ g protein, 10-34 g fat.
I will keep doing this through February.

Then I will do the Transition Program, which looks like this:
Week 1: Eat the same as above plus an additional 2 servings of vegetables.
Week 2: Cut back to 4 Medifast meals but eat the same foods as above plus add two servings of fruit
Week 3: Same as above, but add a one-cup serving of low fat dairy
Weeks 4-6: Cut back to 3 Medifast meals, eat the same foods as above but add 4 to 6 oz of lean meat and 1 serving of whole grain. (I am probably going to hold off on the whole grain for awhile)
There are also guidelines in the Maintenance guide for substituting whole foods they call "healthy fuelings" for those last 3 Medifast meals as you eliminate them.

So sometime in April my intake should look something like this:

7am: coffee w/low fat milk
8am: 6 oz Greek yogurt, 1/2 c berries
10am: hard boiled egg
noon: large salad with Romaine, spinach, red peppers, tomatoes, mushrooms, sliced grilled chicken and Balsamic vinaigrette. 2 Clementines
3pm: 1 cup of broccoli with hummus dip
6pm: bowl of chili made from lean ground beef, canned tomatoes, kidney beans, pinto beans, green peppers
8:30pm: 14 almonds and a cup of decaf tea

This menu is *without* adding the whole grains. It looks pretty satisfying to me.

You can read more details about Medifast's plans in the Quick Start Guide. Information about Transition starts on page 15. They say this ends up being about 1550 calories per day and suggest you add an extra 100 calories per week when you are ready to stop losing, until your weight stabilizes.

I am really looking forward to this new part of my journey! Honestly I am absolutely excited to start eating beans, legumes, and fruits again regularly! I think my energy will soar.

Any questions? Let me know!

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

Superfoods Challenge: Week 5

2012-02-06T11:44:00.000-08:00

Wow, where has the time gone? It's already Week 5 of the Superfoods Challenge, and if you've been faithfully adding one Superfood each week, your body is already thanking you for all the wonderful nutrition you've been giving it! So far, we have added:

Broccoli (Brussels sprouts, cabbage, kale, turnips, cauliflower, collards, bok choy, mustard greens, Swiss chard): 1/2 to 1 cup per day
Wild Salmon (Alaskan halibut, canned albacore tuna, sardines, herring, trout, sea bass, oysters, clams): 2 to 4 times per week
Yogurt (kefir): Two 8 ounce servings per day
Walnuts (almonds, pistachios, sesame seeds, peanuts, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, macadamia nuts, pecans, hazelnuts, cashews): five 1-ounce servings per week

This week, we are adding something rather simple, yet very powerful: tea. This Superfood has no sidekicks, but includes both black and green tea, regular or decaffeinated. The Superfoods book does not mention white tea, but I am going to throw that in there because it has very similar health benefits to green tea, yet has a milder taste that many people enjoy.

The health benefits of tea are simply astounding. Tea increases metabolic rate, is antibiotic, anti-cancer, immune-boosting, stress reducing, anti-bacterial, anti-fungal, and show benefits in reducing risk of stroke, cardiovascular disease, depression, diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, and lowering cholesterol! Studies are ongoing, but the fantastic health benefits of this Superfood make it very much worth including in your daily diet. You can read even more about the benefits of various kinds of tea here, on WHF. I personally started drinking green tea after my mother died of ovarian cancer; research shows up to a 77% reduced risk of ovarian cancer from drinking green tea daily.

If you think green tea tastes bitter or tastes like grass, like I did, think again! Some brands or types of green tea do taste more strongly than others, but preparation makes a huge difference too. Don't use boiling water to make your tea; instead, let the water come to a boil and then wait a minute or two for it to cool a bit. Pour the water over your tea bag and steep for just 2 minutes. If you steep your tea too long it will become bitter. Use a spoon to fish out the bag and then squeeze it into the tea (getting more healthy antioxidants into your cup). Drink it plain, or add a drop or two of lemon or your sweetener of choice. I used to "need" sweetener in my tea; if you do, too, I challenge you to measure your sweetener and gradually cut back over days or weeks until you can drink your tea plain. I now love the flavor of plain tea. I never thought I would.

You can drink your tea hot or cold; I have made it a habit to brew a cup of green tea while I make my lunch, and then pour it over a large cup of ice. I really enjoy my iced green tea each day. Having it watered down like this also makes it easier to drink if you aren't find of the flavor of green tea, but doesn't water down the health benefits at all! My very favorite brand of green tea that I drink 90% of the time is Bigelow Green Tea with Lemon, which I get at Walmart or Kroger. It also comes in decaf. There are lots of different flavored teas that have no calories in black, white, and green varieties. The SuperFoods Rx book recommends drinking at least 1 cup of tea per day.

Another way to get your green tea fix each day is to use matcha powder, which is powdered green tea leaves. Some sources claim matcha is even more beneficial than regular tea, because you are consuming the actual leaf. I like it a lot as tea, but even better added to smoothies. It has a nice fresh, non-bitter flavor. Again, brand seems to make a difference in taste; my favorite is DoMatcha. It's a bit pricey, but one jar in the fridge lasts me many months.

Some studies suggest that adding milk to your tea may decrease its benefits, while adding citrus such as a few drops of lemon juice increases absorption of antioxidants. So keep this in mind when deciding what, if anything, to add to your tea.

I hope you will find ways to incorporate tea into your daily meal plan. Sometimes, a nice hot cup of tea is a great thing to just sit and relax with. If you have a favorite type or brand of tea, please leave it in the comments section or on BlogFrog. I am always looking to try new things!

The Big Picture of a Changed Life

2012-02-05T11:22:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to bed and woke up an hour later vomiting. I will spare you the details of the rest of the night.

I was up at 6 as usual with the dogs and daughter, but after meeting their needs I laid on the couch until 9:30 when I finally peeled myself up and made a cup of plain ginger tea. I still feel rather unwell and drained, but I was able to keep down the tea and a piece of toast half an hour ago. I am just going to rest today. I have zero energy.

Last night before going to bed, I was thinking about the big picture of the last five years and how different that big picture looks than the smaller, more myopic view I often take. I have found myself grumbling about "still" weighing near 200 pounds and getting frustrated with myself at times. But stepping back and seeing the WHOLE picture of the last five years, it gives me a new appreciation for what I am doing.

My weight loss "journey" really is like background music to my life. It is *not* my whole purpose or existence. I know what it's like to only have 30 or 40 pounds to lose, spend a couple months doing it, and then being done. It's like a perfectly defined, relatively short stretch of time when your life almost seems to revolve around weight loss and dieting. It is a handful of weeks in your life that had a definite 'before' and 'after' both in feel and in pictures. You were fat, you lost weight, you were no longer fat.

That is not how my journey has been. And that's a good thing, for me, because if this entire past 4.5 years was all about losing weight, I would be insane by now. I'd have given up. No one can sustain an intense focus on weight loss for that long, and not be thin yet, without major frustration. When I start thinking in those terms... "I have been at this for how long now? and STILL fat!!"... it feels like I have failed. But when I step back and look at the five-year span, it is a joyous, triumphant, amazing thing! I see that I have lost weight in chunks, with plateaus in between. I see the growth emotionally and the big changes in my eating patterns over time. I see the weight loss as an undercurrent as I have gone about LIVING. And the wonderful thing is that as the weight has gone down, life has gotten easier and better even when I am 'stuck' and not losing very quickly.

Looking at the big picture gives me faith that things will just keep getting better and easier, as they have over the past 5 years. I have no doubt that I will make more healthy changes, keep losing weight (even if it is in 'chunks') and continue having a richer life as my health improves. That knowledge is enough for me to smile regardless of what the scale says this week or last week or next week. I *know* where I am going, and because it is the background music and not the primary focus of my life, it is a pleasant thing. I used to need immediate feedback from the scale, from my measurements, from pictures, that I was making progress. But lately, it is easier to relax and enjoy my life secure in the knowledge of the journey. I have faith in myself, backed by experience, and that is a very comforting thing.