Escape from Obesity

What Worked Before

2012-05-28T13:40:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been thinking about the very beginnings of my weight loss on this blog. I remember it well. I often think back about the two huge turning points I had that started this journey. One was when I was on vacation with my family and we drove over to a gorgeous beach on a lovely sunny day. The kids were so excited to play and run and look for shells. My daughter was a baby, just turned 2. My husband had to drive me to the handicapped access point, drop me off, and then go park at the regular parking lot and walk to reach me. Why? Because at 278 (or 283, depending on your scale) pounds, I could not walk from the regular lot to the beach. So after my family walked all the way down to the handicapped lot where I was waiting, we walked the short path to the beach and *I was exhausted.* As my boys ran off towards the waves, I was huffing and puffing, panting and limping, desperately looking for a driftwood log to sit on. But there were none. And as my kids ran off laughing and playing, I stood aching in the sand, wanting to turn back. I stood there and watched them for a bit, and then I had to gather everyone to leave. I just couldn't stand there any longer, and I knew if I sat in the soft sand I would not be able to get back up. So we left. We drove 10 hours to get to the beach, and I couldn't even enjoy it for 10 minutes. The rest of vacation I sat in the beach house while my boys went to the beach with their cousins. That is where I took my 'before' pictures: in the mirror of the beach house. I knew it was rock bottom and something had to change, but I didn't know how I would do it. Yet.

The other big moment, one of the defining ones in my life, came quite by accident at the Farmer's Market. I had been given a gift certificate for $30 in produce, so I took the kids and went to get some fruit (I was not a vegetable fan). We had just gotten home from the beach. I remember it like it was yesterday. I could not believe how much STUFF $30 could buy! We had to make several trips to the car: a watermelon, a cantaloupe, a honeydew melon, fresh corn, a flat of peaches, pints of berries, apples, carrots, squash, onions, plums, apricots... all kinds of ripe, fresh local produce. It covered the counters when we got home, and much of it was super ripe and needed to be eaten soon. We all dove in and enjoyed the awesome flavors. And that was the beginning of my journey.

I did not count calories. I did not measure anything. Nothing but JUNK was off limits. I kept eating the same meals we always ate, but I added vegetables to everything. I made a point of listening to my body and stopping eating when I was nearly full. And between meals, I ate TONS of fruit. I'd get hungry, walk in the kitchen and see melons and berries and plums. I'd eat 2 or 3 fresh peaches a day... several plums, handfuls of berries. I did not limit my fruit consumption at all. And the weight started falling off. In the first nine days I lost nine pounds. In two months I lost 20 pounds. I did not count calories, and did not exercise. I started out walking across the street and back, then halfway down the block and back, once per day until I could build up my endurance a bit. After two months and 20 pounds gone, I bought my recumbent exercise bike and started indoor biking.

By the time I got down to 218 pounds, I was biking 30 minutes, 6 days a week. I had begun the calorie counting as well and was eating about 1500 calories a day. I was also doing strength training for 20 minutes, 3 times a week.

And THAT is where I stalled out. I am going over this because I am trying to figure out what exactly worked and what didn't. For whatever reason, when I got to 218, which is very close to what I weigh today, my plan stopped getting results... or was unsustainable.

1500 calories of whole foods
biking 30 minutes 6x/week
lifting 20 minutes, 3x week

I lost weight on this. I did well on this and felt good on this regimen until I was in the 210's, and then it fell apart.

I think I have been aiming to go back to that, lately. About 1500 calories of whole food (albeit lower carb now), adding back the biking and the lifting. But maybe that is not such a good idea. If it didn't "work" before, maybe it is a bad idea to aim for that again. It's been the ideal in my own mind, so I'm not sure.

I often think about 'starting over' at my current weight and just doing exactly what got me results before: going to the Farmer's Market and buying a ton of produce and just eating it, making it the bulk of my intake and letting the rest be 'regular' foods I fix for my family, in moderation. And then, if the scale doesn't move, start counting again. Start biking. Start lifting. Exactly the way I lost the first 60+ pounds. It appeals to me far more than any other 'plan.' I am mulling it over, and thinking about doing this. It feels like going back to my 'true self.' The only thing stopping me is fear of failure, of gaining, of it not working, not being enough.

Getting Some Traction

2012-05-27T11:57:00.000-07:00

Last night I managed to get around 6 hours of sleep. Not in a row, but still, far far better than the 2 to 4 hours per night I have had earlier this week. I have so much more clarity and energy even on 6 hours.

I have one day of antibiotic left and then will just be praying I do not get sick again and also that my daughter does not regress again. There isn't much time left at school and dance and I feel bad that she is missing so much! We have usually been pretty healthy in the summer, so I am crossing fingers for a stretch of good health for all of us. My focus this summer will be on NUTRITION. I am going to buy local at the Farmer's Market and prepare as many fruits and veggies every day as I can for the kids and I to eat. That plus healthy fats and lean protein (and whole grains/good carbs for them) will make up 90% of what we ingest.

I am still using the remaining Medifast meals I have on hand as meal replacements to help me get through this hard time. Once the fridge is fixed (hopefully Tuesday), I will have more flexibility in what I eat. My son let us borrow a teeny little dorm fridge to keep my daughter's juice, milk, cheese, and yogurt cold, so we do have that!

What we've been eating:

Dinner last night was a very quick and easy chili. I was too tired to chop veggies, but managed to brown a pound of lean grass fed beef and simmer it with tomato sauce, canned kidney and pinto beans, and seasonings for a simple dinner. Usually I make cornbread with this for the kids, but again, I was too tired so served whole wheat bread and butter and milk with it instead. It was yummy; I had one small bowl of chili but no bread or milk.

Tonight we are having Italian sausages and peppers for dinner. This is so good! I just layer some low fat Italian turkey sausages in the crock pot with sliced fresh red, orange, and yellow peppers and a sliced onion, sprinkle with black pepper, and cook on low all day. It is easy and all the kids like them (some kids eat the veggies and some don't). The kids have their sausages on buns and I eat mine on a plate. I will be making a fruit salad and some steamed cauliflower or cabbage to go with it.

(Mmmm.... can't wait to smell these cooking!)

As for exercise, if my daughter feels well enough we are going to walk to the park today with the pup. It's only about a mile, but it will be nice to get out of the house and breathe some fresh air and get the blood moving. We're also enjoying having all the windows open while I clean, getting as much dust out of the house as possible.

Grilling tomorrow! How about you? Here's an idea if you need one: Cedar Planked Salmon, great will grilled fresh asparagus and kabobs of zucchini, mushrooms, peppers, and cherry tomatoes!

Spinning My Wheels

2012-05-26T08:10:00.000-07:00

I have been spinning my wheels on this weight thing for SO long. It really is like having a car stuck in the mud: give it a rev, wheels spin fast, mud flings up, go nowhere. Sit a while in your spot, think, gear up, and try again.

But the scenery is getting so, so old.

Throw some sand down, try again. Stick a piece of cardboard under the tire, try again. Maybe some cat litter to dry out the mud, try again. Anything to gain some traction and get out of this spot. But it gets deeper and deeper the more you rev. Have a push from some friends, keep trying.

Eventually everyone gets their car out of the rut.

My entire energy has been so distracted from weight loss. I know lots of people claim they just fix their healthy meals and eat them and go for their 5-mile run everyday no matter what. Okay, that is awesome! I wish I was there. I guess we are all different, because it takes quite a bit of focus and mental energy for me to lose weight. It always has. I know others feel this way too. It's not really about the physical work or the time needed to grocery shop, prepare healthy meals, weigh out portions, count calories, and exercise. It is about them mental dedication... the mental resources... that it takes to do those things AND the other important things in life. Yes, if those things become *automatic*, they require far less focus. But until they are, it feels like being so, so torn.

Very few things are more important than my health. And even those things are *dependent* on my health. I mean, what good am I to anyone if I am unwell, hospitalized, or dead? I know I have to put my health first. But on a daily basis, in the nitty gritty of life, that is easier said than done. It is all nice and good to say "put on your own mask first!" and other such (true) sayings, but when it comes down to a child crying in pain, I am not going to leave her crying on the couch while I go off to ride my exercise bike for 20 minutes or make a salad.

And for me, it often *is*a matter of choosing to set my goals aside to put someone else first. I've gotten very good at saying "no" to others who ask for my time and energy; unfortunately this has resulted in some alienation, because when you say "no" to people enough times, they stop asking. They don't always understand how thin you are stretched. They go away. And the circle gets smaller.

Anyway, lately it seems like there is always something. And I am coming to terms with the fact there that will always *be* something. I will always have something else that is "more important" than my own needs, simply because I have five kids. Even when they are adults (and some of them are), they will have medical crises and life events or issues that need my attention. And if I keep throwing my own needs out the window every time they need me, I am just going to deteriorate physically. I need to find a way to balance their needs with mine. Sometimes it is not as simple as it looks.

But I can't keep spinning my wheels. I need to get out of this rut.

Better!

2012-05-25T11:12:00.000-07:00

Thank you so much for the good thoughts and prayers... I *know* they helped my daughter. I was so worried last night when her symptoms were worse, but after I got her to bed (in my bed so I could monitor her), she did NOT continue to get worse, spike a fever (let me tell you, a fever just under 106 is very scary) or even wake up at all in the night. *I* woke up every hour to check on her but she was okay, and this morning at 7am she suddenly sat up in bed and said with a smile, "I'm all better!" I cannot tell you the relief.

I am not convinced she is actually "all better," but she is certainly much better than I expected her to be. Maybe the IV meds helped, maybe her blood cultures will come back clear, but certainly your positive thoughts and prayers did help and I am very grateful for such a loving community here. I don't always get around to comment on all your blogs, but I do try to read and check in when I can and I do pray for you as well, whether you have a blog or not.

So here's to a weekend of rest and healing. I have a couple of days of antibiotics left for myself and think I am going to be fine once I catch up on my sleep. I truly believe my little girl will recover too, and my other kids seem to be over their colds now. The cat is doing remarkably well on her pancreatitis supplements and is purring and happy. My mini-dog has also perked up and had some symptom relief with the doubling of his medications this week; at first, he seemed to get worse and we were looking at euthanasia for today. He had been unable to control his urine but it seems that was mainly due to the increase in his Lasix and getting all the extra fluids off his heart and lungs. Now he is back in control, able to use his doggie door again, is not coughing, and seems much happier with the increased anti-anxiety meds as well. I know he probably doesn't have much time left, but since he is not suffering and is happy when he is not asleep, we will wait a few more days to make any decisions. I think this is his last hurrah, and we are going to indulge him in all his favorite things such as a trip to his beloved park, a car ride, extra treats, and real salmon dinners. He is such a special little guy and it is great to see him smiling again.

I am going to dig through the freezer and make something in the crock pot with meat and beans for dinner tonight. My little girl usually loves beans and she needs to get some calories in her. She also loves brown rice so that will be a side, plus some veggies for me and my one veggie-loving son.

Have a wonderful, blessed weekend!

ER

2012-05-24T09:54:00.001-07:00

Just a very short update as I am running on 2 hours of sleep...

I spent the entire night in the Emergency Room with my daughter. It was miserable and scary. She got a lot of help from a super nice doctor and a consulting pediatric specialist and I feel very very blessed that we got such an awesome doctor (who we'd never met before). I don't like to go on about my kids' health issues (for their privacy's sake) but if anyone would like to send get well prayers for my little Princess it would be appreciated. She is not out of the woods yet.

Oh, and the fridge repairman came this morning and it needs a new thermostat. They can't get the part til Tuesday, so we are winging it with food from the freezer and cupboards. I am viewing it as an adventure: what can I make from these ingredients? I promise to be ever so appreciative of my fridge when it is up and running again.

All I've had today is a cup of black coffee and a banana. Making a Medifast Hot Cocoa shortly.

You guys are AWESOME. I cannot say it enough. Thank you and I pray that all your kindness and good thoughts towards me come back to you tenfold.

On Things Sucking

2012-05-23T09:46:00.000-07:00

I know how it looks to the passerby. You stop by my blog and see a lot of what looks like complaining if you don't know me or haven't read before. Trust me, it gets to me too. I have lately felt like a massive whiner sometimes. But this is the only place I really vent. It has always been my safe haven where I am completely open about my feelings. And lately my feelings have been not so awesome. I won't hide that... it is what it is... and expressing my feelings here *does* help me cope. And honestly the comments and emails I get keep me going some days. I thank you for that. And I hope things turn around for me soon and my feelings become more positive, and thus my blog more positive.

Frankly, I am overwhelmed. I can say here "my older dog is dying" or "my child is sick again" or "my refrigerator is broken" and you understand the pain and frustration behind that. But the nitty gritty details are what I face daily. You can pass by and *hear* the words but if you looked in my window, you'd see me

kneeling on the tile with my sweet old dog, cleaning up the urine because he couldn't make it out the dog door
petting him and trying to say goodbye, and then going upstairs and breaking down in tears
giving him meds wrapped in cheese and carrying him outside to potty and my heart breaking when he looks confused and cannot figure out how to get back inside the house
calling the vet and talking about sedation prior to euthanasia
talking to each of my kids about his condition
mixing 3 medications into a bowl of cat food for the old cat with pancreatitis
frantically dialing the vet again when the puppy jumps on the counter and eats that bowl of medicated cat food
waking up at 5am and holding my sick child for hours, stroking her hair, wishing her pain away
calling doctors and specialists yet again, missing school yet again, sitting on the couch with my sick child
throwing out lots of $$$ of rancid food because the fridge isn't working right
calling repairman after repairman who is booked up and can't come, and waiting by the phone in case one of them has a cancellation and can come by
wondering what we are going to eat until Tuesday if we can't use the fridge and can't go out with a sick child
trying to pry my stubborn teenager out of bed to go to school so he doesn't get detention
making arrangements for my younger boys to go with their father for the summer
taking antibiotics, coughing, and wondering WHEN I am going to get better

My days are constrained by sickness. I have a wonderful social group of friends that I was seeing almost daily with dog activities while the kids were in school, but this month I have missed almost every class, meeting, and practice and so I do feel more isolated. I do feel more whiney and complainy. And I am not going to swallow it and pretend I am happy when I am not. I am *working* towards happiness, making "thankful" lists with my daughter each night and trying to focus on what is good and how blessed I am in my life. But you know, sometimes things suck and it is okay to feel bad about it. I would just like things to stop sucking for awhile.

Because of the fridge problem I am having Medifast for my meals at the moment, which I was thinking about doing anyway. At least I won't get food poisoning from packets! I haven't figured out dinner but the freezer is still working ok, so I can thaw some meat and I think the fresh veggies in the fridge, though wilted, should be fine to eat even though they got warm. But yeah, this morning when I was looking at the spoiled yogurt etc I was glad to be able to open a packet and get some decent nutrition for breakfast without risk.

That's all for now.

Emotional Junk

2012-05-22T10:09:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated in a really long time. I am having a hard time emotionally, that's why. I thought maybe just taking a little time away from blogging, thinking about food/weight, and staying off the scale might help, but it hasn't. In fact the opposite: without the blogging and focus, my eating went all to heck for the past 2 days. Potato chips, subs, M&M's. Horrible stuff for *my* body. Maybe some people can get away with having half a sub and a handful of chips for lunch and be okay, but it just fuels cravings for me. And that led to M&M's, which I found I do not even like anymore (thankfully) and some ice cream, which I *do* still like but is another thing that fuels cravings.

So after 2 days of that, I felt so awful last night and this morning that I had to knock it off and get refocused. And that includes blogging, so here I am. I went and got fresh produce and am focusing on making fruits and veggies the foundation of my eating.

I have been toying with doing something like Paleo or Primal eating for awhile now. I have a rebellious feeling when I think about doing any "plan" or "diet", but the foundation principles do appeal to me. I was looking at this image today: Primal Blueprint Food Pyramid and it makes a lot of sense to me. And since I have read about the 80/20 principle, it feels less like a strict regimen and more like real-life eating (Eat strictly Primal 80% of the time and allow for other choices 20% of the time) because then I can have the occasional pot of beans or whatever. I am still thinking about it. I am also thinking about using up the remaining Medifast foods I have left to do a week or two of Medifast to try and get my head in the right place. I always had more clarity on Medifast, so perhaps a couple weeks might help me as I then transition to Primal or Paleo or something.

Anyway, I have a lot of emotional garbage going on right now and I am trying not to just withdraw and hide. I'll be trying to blog daily again from now on.

Day 1/30, and Healthier Sausage Kale Soup

2012-05-17T12:54:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was a very *good* day. I had some free range eggs, bacon, and half a banana for breakfast. I took a short walk with the pup (I am still feeling under the weather but the sunshine was nice!). I drank protein shakes and made a lovely soup from the fresh local organic kale I had in the fridge, and rounded out the day with strawberries and raspberries.

I was craving a rich, flavorful, healthy soup for dinner last night so I Googled many variations of kale soup. I found lots of recipes, many purporting to be just like the Zuppa Tuscana soup they serve at Olive Garden. But most of the recipes called for lots of fatty ingredients and lots of carby potatoes or white beans. I decided to throw together my own version with less fat and fewer carbs. Here it is:

Healthier Sausage Kale Soup

10 ounces raw, ground lean Italian chicken sausage (or turkey sausage)
1/2 of a fresh onion, diced
3 cloves of garlic, chopped
1 tsp olive oil
dried herbs to taste: Italian seasoning OR oregano/basil/marjoram; garlic powder, parsley, crushed red pepper flakes, black pepper, and thyme
2 cups low sodium chicken stock
1/3 - 1/2 c water
1 small potato, washed and thinly sliced with the skin on (mine was only about 3-4" long and 2" wide. You can use more if you like, or sub raw sliced cauliflower if you want lower carbs)
fresh raw kale, cleaned, thick ribs and stems removed, chopped coarsely (I used about 3-4 cups)
1/3 cup milk (I used whole; 2% would probably be fine)

Brown the sausage in a nonstick pan and drain off any grease. Add olive oil, onion, and garlic and saute until veggies are soft. Add herbs and cook another minute. Add chicken stock and water and bring to a boil. Add sliced potatoes, lower heat and simmer 10 minutes. Add the kale and simmer another 5-10 minutes or until potatoes are *very* tender, almost falling apart. Add the milk and heat through without boiling. Taste for seasonings; add salt if needed.

Makes about 3 large bowls of soup.

By the way, this morning started with a bang, including a cup of coffee spilled into my laptop and purple cough syrup spilled down the front of my daughter's dress just as we were about to leave for school. I did get my walk in already, had eggs with bacon and 1/2 banana for breakfast and a bowl of leftover soup for lunch. It's only going to get better from here!

***Edited to add nutrition facts for this soup recipe, as requested***

One large bowl of this soup (1/3 of the recipe) contains:

228 calories
7 g fat
19.5 g carbs
4 g fiber
23.6 g protein

(If you drain any fat from the sausage after browning, the fat and calories for the recipe will be lower. I had to calculate this using data for raw sausage).

214, 30 Days, No Excuses

2012-05-16T09:33:00.000-07:00

It was August 2008 when I first hit the exciting milestone of seeing 214 pounds on the scale. It had taken me 10 months to lose 60 pounds, and nearly two months to lose another four pounds to see 214. And there, I got stuck... for a very long time. I went back up a bit and you may remember that it took me TWENTY MONTHS to get back down to 218 again, when I posted these pictures in April 2010. And now, here I am a year later, once again looking at 214 pounds on the scale.

What is it about this weight? I got lower, I regained. I always seem to stick and settle here. And it is frustrating. Yes, it's a far cry better than 278 pounds, but it is not where I want to be. I have even tried to "accept" it and thought about whether I could just stay at this weight and be okay with that. But the answer is NO. And today I sat down and thought about all the reasons/excuses (depending on your vantage point, I guess, because to *me* they seem like reasons while to some they may sound like excuses) that I have not been losing weight.

I am sick.
I am in pain.
Whenever I ramp up my exercise, I end up with knee pain/shoulder pain/foot pain.
I am too busy.
I like food for comfort.
I don't want to give up xyz.
I stay on plan and the scale doesn't move.
I am so tired.

And so forth. But the thing is, I can keep letting these reasons BE... even if I truly feel they are valid reasons... and they *will* continue to keep me fat and I *will* look up and another 2 years will have gone by and the scale will still say 214 pounds. That is a choice I can make. Even if I truly believe the reasons are real and insurmountable, the result is the same.

I want a different result. I am not going to be a victim to my reasons anymore.

I made a promise to myself this morning... and now I will share it with you... that I will put forth my very best, no excuses/reasons, 100% effort for the next 30 days *regardless* of how sick, tired, or busy I am. I will give it my all whether I feel like it or not. I do not care what it takes, I have got to get some momentum going on this weight loss thing. I have been comfortable for way too long.

Building Immunity

2012-05-15T20:03:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a little reading about ways to build immunity and things to avoid as well, made easier by some of the comments you left guiding me in the right direction. I haven't talked in detail about my children's health issues, but I will share that my daughter started life (and toddlerhood) with a very compromised immune system. She's taken antibiotics more than half the days of her life because of medical issues from birth. That takes a toll on a body. She and I tend to get sick at the same time; usually she is sick first, then I am caring for her/losing sleep and stressed and a week later I get whatever she had. The other kids don't get sick nearly as often... it just seems that way when there are a lot of kids!

So, we're focused lately on eating more fresh fruits and veggies (which is a challenge for my sweet girl, but she is trying hard!). We have a chart in the kitchen where she writes down the names of all the fruits and veggies she tries and whether they are a "yes", a "no" or a "maybe." And since taste buds change, we revisit the maybe's frequently. I got her some new, better multivitamins today (Animal Parade) and some immune support supplements for us both (Black Elderberry Syrup and another supplement I never heard of before called Sinupret). We're both using saline nasal rinse and tonight for dinner I cooked up several things that are supposed to be good for the immune system: black beans with onions, garlic, peppers, homemade chicken stock, and oregano. We ate it over brown rice and it was very good. I also bought several kinds of fresh berries to have for dessert.

I would really like to be healthy enough and have the energy to focus on weight loss *and* health. I am pretty sure if I wait for that to happen, I will just end up fatter, so I am doing what I can to eat good wholesome foods in smaller amounts so that maybe the weight will come off even while I am not feeling well. We'll see. I do find it interesting that in the first 8 months I was strictly on Medifast, I did not get sick once. Not once. And when I started messing around going off plan, I started getting sick occasionally... just colds and such. Makes me wonder what, exactly, I was eating that supported my immune system so well or what, exactly, I added back in that lowered my immune system.

Update

2012-05-14T23:11:00.000-07:00

Back to the doctor today. Apparently I never quite got over that cough/cold that began around May 1st. It seemed to get better, then worse, then better... but not quite ALL better. And then yesterday the pain became very difficult. I did not sleep much last night because my face felt like someone had punched me HARD in both cheekbones. Yep, another sinus infection. Bad one. The antibiotics should help.

I am pretty sure my immune system is in need of better nutritional support. I got sick less when I was eating more fresh vegetables. Lately I have only been eating 1-2 servings a day. I will take the hints from my body to 1) lower the stress in my life and 2) increase the nutrition in my meals. I got some fresh kale, lettuce, and asparagus this week and the Farmer's Market is beginning to swell with fresh, local produce; what better time to increase the veggies? I am also trying to read up on other ways to strengthen the immune system. My kids keep bringing home various sicknesses from their schools and work and friends' houses and passing the germs around the family. It seems like when one of the kids gets sick, at least 2 other family members get it too. I am really tired of it and need to find ways to stop the cycle.

Today's menu was pretty much liquids (coffee, several protein shakes, low fat milk), scrambled eggs, and a baked potato. I am not a big potato eater, but I seem to want carbs when I am sick. I'm avoiding wheat and most grains, so a potato sounded good. It was.

Time for bed. Thank you for caring.

To the Mothers

2012-05-13T12:31:00.000-07:00

To the mothers...

the mothers who bore their children, adopted their children, married into their children
the mothers who lost their children, miss their children, ache for their children
the women who struggle for children, wait for children, try for children
the women who are kind to children, accepting of children, giving to children
the teachers who encourage the children, comfort the children, care for the children
the daughters who hug their mothers, love their mothers, are thankful for their mothers
the daughters who miss their mothers, cry for their mothers, long for their mothers
the daughters who hurt from their mothers, cry because of their mothers, forgive their mothers
to all of us, touched in some way by motherhood...

I wish you a happy, blessed, peaceful, gracious Mother's Day.

Not Ready to Diet Today?

2012-05-12T09:51:00.000-07:00

I do not feel like dieting today. I'll start tomorrow.

How many times have you said that to yourself? How many times has the thought of a certain food, or just the idea of "eating what I want for today" made you put off a weight loss effort? Enough times that it drags into years of being obese?

I know I have. I still fight that way of thinking. It is easier to give yourself "a day of freedom" with the promise to yourself that you'll buckle down and eat right tomorrow. Or Monday. Only, you don't. You break the promise to yourself over, and over, and over again. Eventually you feel hopeless and just give up... sometimes for weeks or months or years... until you can "get it together" and try again.

I think this is the core reason why people hate the word diet. A diet seems to imply a certain *thing* one must do that is unnatural; a diet seems to imply a starting and stopping point, when what we really need to do is change forever. You can't go back to eating the way that got you fat. Or you get fat again.

But some stuff is easier to change than other stuff. And you won't get it completely perfect in one day... not long term. Little steps of change in the right direction over time yields results.

Applying this to myself is tricky. I have not reached my goal yet, and am currently losing very slowly if at all most weeks. Yet this is the first time I ever lost this much weight (and there have been many tries) and is also the first time I have lost weight and not gained back ALL OF IT... plus more... within a year or less. I lost 35-40 pounds a couple of times in my life, and *every single time* I regained the weight and kept on gaining to a new high in a matter of months. Every. Time. But not this time. And I attribute that to the real, true changes I have made that I am never going to undo:

- not eating ANY fast food
- drinking lots of water
- not drinking ANY soda, ever
- not putting any sweeteners in my tea or coffee
- eating a lot of vegetables every day
- moving more in my daily life
- not binge eating anymore
- keeping quantities of any 'junk' I eat smaller
- eating more high quality protein

These permanent changes that have become ingrained into my life are enough to keep me about 60 pounds lighter than when I started nearly 5 years ago. Keeping 60 pounds off for that long is something I am proud of; but I want to do more. And in order to do more, I have to make more *permanent* changes that will keep me at an even lower weight long term.

Some of the changes I am working on now are:

- not eating 'junk' meats like hot dogs, bologna, processed chicken patties, fatty sausage
- not eating deep fried ANYTHING
- eating fish at least 1 - 2 times per week
- not eating baked goods unless they are homemade, or gourmet, and doing so sparingly
- stop going to coffee shops *unless* it is a social occasion or travelling

I am sure that when those habits are firmly in place in my lifestyle, my weight will easily stay in a lower range. I have to do some work to get it to the lower range first. But I can work on these habits *right now*, every single day, regardless of what my general eating looks like. I can make progress every day, even on the days I am not perfect.

So, make those changes in *your* life that you can keep permanently. It is much easier to slowly make changes like this than it is to go on a cycle of overeat - restrict- overeat - restrict. Do what you can *today* instead of thinking in terms of starting tomorrow.

Enjoy your Mother's Day weekend!

Busy, and My Sick Cat

2012-05-11T12:58:00.000-07:00

Just a brief post for now...

This is the time of year when things get *super* busy for me. School's wrapping up, one kid is graduating, two kids are applying for college for fall, dog sports are in full swing. My daughter's dance recitals are approaching fast, too! I am so excited for her! We have a lot of rehearsals, costume stuff, dance pictures, and parties to go to. The challenge for me is to find ways to stay nourished while on the go. Last year it was easy: I took Medifast bars and ready-to-drink shakes with me everywhere. Now I am trying to get my head around packing a cooler for my kids and I each day when we are out. I need simple, easy to eat stuff with enough protein to keep me going and not too many calories. Ideas?

Also, in bad news, my cat has pancreatitis. She is 13 years old (like my older dog) and not doing so well. She's gone to the vet to get fluids in her, changed her diet, and is going on some meds tonight. I know *nothing* about pancreatitis, but the vet says while dogs usually get over it just fine, cats usually do not. Have any of you dealt with this in your cat?

Off to get stuff done and find a healthy bite to eat.

Seeking the Balance

2012-05-09T20:46:00.000-07:00

Over time, I have slowly, so slowly, transformed what I eat away from the complicated and towards the simple and whole. I have many days that I believe are near ideal for my own health. Those days, though, are interspersed with days on the opposite end of the spectrum: days where I have a protein shake for breakfast, ham and cheese on a bagel for lunch, a sugar free latte for a snack, and 2 slices of delivered pizza for dinner. It is *just enough* to slow and sometimes stall weight loss... one day a week like that reverses the losses. It's *not* just about calories for me. It's about my body's reaction to food. And it is not enough that I know what I believe I should be eating; the stress and fatigue build over days and it just seems easier to eat the processed stuff, eat what everyone else around me is eating, eat the comforting stuff.

So when is it enough? I ask myself that a lot. What I mean is, what percentage of the time must I eat well and healthfully in order to reach my goals for health and weight loss? Obviously 80% does not work for me; eating at 80% has historically caused me to gain weight. At 90%, I stall or lose super slowly. And at 100%, I start getting a little crazy for the 'restricted' foods.

Lots of people go by a rule of eating well 90% of the time, either on a daily or weekly or monthly basis. A little wiggle room to have that 10% for special treats or meals out seems to be a sane place to be. But I don't lose weight at 90%. I am still working on this actively, every day: trying to find the balance between overly (compulsively) strict and not strict enough. It's kind of a fine line. What works for you?

Is Pudding Healthy or Unhealthy? The Dichotomy of Food Beliefs

2012-05-07T23:06:00.000-07:00

Conjure up the image in your mind: a mother lovingly stirs a pot of warm milk on the stove, sweetened with sugar, flavored with vanilla or cocoa, thickened with farm fresh eggs or perhaps a bit of cornstarch. Mama makes the pudding for her children because it is good for them, they smile when they eat it, and it is sweet yet nutritious. Pudding... a nourishing food. Right?

I have always had that image of pudding in my head, even though the pudding of my childhood came from a Jello box and was usually scorched on the bottom from heat raised too high by an impatient mother. After all, who wants to stir constantly for 20 minutes? But the warm, creamy pudding was always a treat, and I thought it was good for me. It was made of milk, and milk was healthy. I adored the first bowl of warm chocolatey pudding just as much as I loved the last bowl a day or two later, chilled and covered with a thick 'skin' of chocolate. When I had children of my own, I continued the tradition by learning to make my own, homemade pudding from scratch. No Jello boxes here! I used freshly milked cows' or goats' milk to make all kinds of puddings: vanilla, chocolate, butterscotch, rice. My kids gobbled it up and I felt good about giving it to them.

The mindset I have taken in the last few years is different. It's just not at all consistent with the old thoughts on not just pudding, but many foods. Things I used to consider nourishing and healthy are now labelled unhealthy and even harmful. And this dichotomy of thinking has been the underlying difficulty in my sticking to self-imposed 'rules' about eating. I have TOLD MYSELF that pudding is unhealthy. Yet I am not sure I believe it.

It extends to every ingredient, practically. Milk was *always* a healthy, smart choice when I was growing up and as I raised my children. Milk, it does a body good. It's fitness you can drink. Remember those slogans? A glass of milk gave you calcium and protein to build your body. Yet now, in our modern world, many many people are spewing milk-hate and anti-dairy messages because "cows' milk is for baby COWS" and "humans are the only animal that drinks the milk of another animal" or that "milk is not suited for adult consumption." I dunno, I am not really buying it. I still think milk is good for me. Maybe it's not good for everyone, certainly not for the lactose intolerant. But I still have that ingrained childhood voice in my head telling me that drinking a glass of milk is a GOOD thing for me and my kids.

Sugar? Evil! Right? At least it's the dietary scapegoat lately like fat used to be many years ago. Now they are saying that sugar is the *real* cause of heart disease... not fat. Sugar causes inflammation. Hey, it makes my joints hurt if I eat it. Or maybe if I eat it in certain combinations. Everyone was touting agave nectar a few years ago and now they are saying that is really bad for you. Artificial sweeteners were supposed to be safe and healthier than sugar but I don't buy that either. If you don't get pain from sugar like I do, is it *really* bad for you to have it in moderation? I give it to my kids... not nearly as much as most parents do, but yes, I'd sweeten a pudding with sugar and not even blink about feeding it to my children.

Cornstarch to thicken? Oh my. Have you seen King Corn? Corn is bad for you. Add some rice to your pudding? Big mistake! White rice, which I also was raised on and thought was a healthy choice, is now said to be a poor nutritional choice. But brown rice just doesn't work in pudding... not for me. Yet I revert back to my ingrained childhood feelings about something as simple as white rice: maybe it isn't so good for ME, but surely kids can burn up those simple carbs and need them for fuel. So I make my rice pudding and feel happy when the kids eat it.

So which is it? Is pudding a delicious, nourishing thing to feed yourself and your children? Or is it unhealthy?
Does it become unhealthy if, instead of being made by mama on the stovetop, it is bought pre-made in a plastic container with ingredients like hydrogenated vegetable oil, sodium stearoyl lactylate, sodium alginate, artificial flavor, and artificial color? (thanks Jello)

Certainly I believe homemade *anything* is usually better than processed, since you control the ingredient list. But what would YOU feel your children? Are you one of millions of people who give your kids a pre-made pudding cup because it is primarily made of milk, and is therefore a better choice than many snacks? Do you eat them yourself, in regular or sugar free? Are you willing to overlook the 1% of ingredients that are not exactly nourishing in order to give yourself or your kids a 'healthier' snack? And even the homemade is suspect, as I explained above. Would you feel good giving your family homemade pudding, or is it yet another traditional comfort food that has become 'bad' for us?

And that is the problem for me. Is oatmeal healthy or not? Is whole wheat healthy or not? Is honey healthy or not? How about potatoes? Toast? Ham? You name it, there are people bashing it, studies saying it isn't good, books telling us never to eat it again. Everything but vegetables has become suspect in our society, to the point that your average person on the street has no idea what is good for their body and why. No one can agree, not even the nutritionists. And that's where my own internal conflict has come from: my own mixed feelings about these beliefs about food, what is healthy, what is not.

I do know I should not feel like I am poisoning myself if I have a bowl of Raisin Bran for breakfast, or a baked potato with my chicken dinner. It is time for a major overhaul of food beliefs for me... losing the insanity that comes with being afraid to eat what used to be the nourishing staples of ones' life. I am not talking candy bars and cupcakes and potato chips, here, which most people would agree are not particularly nourishing to the body (although perhaps, at times, to the soul); I am talking noodles. Beef. Vegetable lasagna. Eggs with bacon. And homemade pudding.

Rules

2012-05-07T14:43:00.000-07:00

I was still feeling pretty sick this morning, having a Medifast fruit punch and a bowl of Cream of Wheat for breakfast to ease into settling my stomach... but after a busy day now I am STARVING and all I want is meat. Looks like I may be stopping at the grocery store for some beef, green peppers, and onions to make a nice stir fry for dinner! It'll be put onto hoagie rolls with cheese for the kids. Yummy.

I have begun to accept that if I want to get this weight off sometime this century, I will just have to be more consistent with what I am doing. I don't like to count calories, but I am still all over the place with my intentions. Avoid wheat... well, except when I want some toast or hot cereal. Avoid sugar... oh maybe a little bit here and there won't hurt. Eat more veggies... except when I don't feel like it. You get the idea. I am in an "avoid structure" kind of mindset lately (aka diet burnout), but that doesn't mean I can't make some general guidelines for myself and stick to them *all the time.* I am mulling over which things are truly important to me and which ones are just fluff rules. Obviously portion sizes matter, but I do need to make a decision about whether or not I am going to eat, say, pasta... or rice... or oatmeal... so that I do not always feel like I am bending or breaking my own rules. There is nothing inherently evil about pasta or rice or oatmeal; I just have to DECIDE what I personally want to do about them, and stick with that, at least long enough to see if what I am doing is working. So that's next on my agenda: firm up my eating guidelines and stick to it for at least a month before changing anything.

Still too tired to exercise, still not seeing anything good on the scale, but my pants are definitely looser so we'll go with that. Off to get my daughter now!

Stomach Bug Weigh In

2012-05-06T12:09:00.000-07:00

I know, right? You really want to know how much weight I lost this week being sick, puking my guts out, unable to eat anything one day and having only 500 calories yesterday. Well big drum roll, I lost... a pound. Yep that's right, one stinkin' pound! Down to 214. Now don't get me wrong, I don't advocate vomiting as a weight loss strategy. But IF you are super sick and IF you are puking your guts out from a germ that you can't help, you may as well enjoy the weight loss, right? Well, apparently not...

I managed to re-hydrate myself pretty well yesterday, got lots of water, plain tea and sips of Gatorade in along with chicken soup (skipped the noodles, they really did not appeal to me). I also ate a yogurt yesterday and let me tell you, it was the best tasting yogurt of my life. It wasn't anything super special... just a plain vanilla Brown Cow yogurt. But boy, after being so sick, that yogurt tasted like absolute heaven. Maybe not being able to eat reset my tastebuds or something.

Today I still feel fairly weak and icky. But I had another yogurt for breakfast and I have a can of peaches chilling in the fridge to eat with cottage cheese for lunch. I just can't stomach the thought of vegetables or meats or even eggs right now, so I am getting my protein in with low fat dairy. I'll supplement with some Medifast protein drinks... no chocolate shakes though, the thought turns my stomach. Something fruity will sit better, like an orange or cranberry mango drink.

I am tired of being sick, I am tired of being fat, I am tired of being tired. Something has got to change.

Pollyanna

2012-05-05T14:39:00.000-07:00

As of last night and this morning, I was thinking I didn't care if I *ever* ate food again. Really. Just the thought of eating made me re-nauseous. But we gotta eat, so I managed to start getting some fluids and foods into me today:

1 piece of blueberry toast for breakfast
1 vanilla Brown Cow yogurt for lunch
1 cup of Campbell's chicken noodle vegetable soup for dinner
sips of Gatorade throughout the day

Eh, that's about 500 calories right there. It's about all I can handle. I am drinking water and sipping plain tea, too. My entire gut region is totally sore, like the muscles all got pulled. It hurts to move. But as my daughter said, "Do you know what Pollyanna would say? She'd say, 'At least I'm not throwing up anymore!'" Indeed.

I miss writing... really writing... but my brain is still in a fog, so a longer post will have to wait! Thanks for the good thoughts and prayers.

What a Day.

2012-05-04T22:47:00.000-07:00

I just puked for 19 hours straight. Well, okay, I paused after the first 7 hours and napped for 30 minutes between toilet visits. I must have caught the stomach virus from one of my kids when I was cleaning up puke last week. I was actually quite disabled and had to have help caring for the dogs and getting my little girl to and from school. I couldn't answer the phone or the door or even turn my computer on. All I did was puke puke puke.

All I had today was a few sips of Gatorade this evening. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

And that's your free appetite suppressant post for today.

Old Habits

2012-05-02T22:13:00.000-07:00

Today was a little better. No more vomit, minimal diarrhea, and a nice plumber. But I am feeling drained. My eating went whacko yesterday afternoon and has not settled back yet. What I mean by "whacko" is: not eating according to my new healthy habits. Very few veggies, very little lean protein, a lot of grab and go, and too much processed junk. Like that Red Baron frozen pizza we ate last night because it was easy and available. Like that toasted half of an English muffin I had a half hour ago that tasted pasty and bland (thus I didn't eat the other half). My coffee is still black, but I didn't get in enough water. I ate a donut. I find myself grabbing a handful of salted almonds or a slice of regular cheese or a cup of sweetened yogurt or a banana *just because.* Not so much because I am hungry or my body needs it, but because OMG I am so overwhelmed and this distracts me from being housebound and exhausted. You know? Ah... old habits die hard! It's like the old habits can come back at any instant and overshadow the new ones.

So now my joints hurt, I feel icky and foggy (well, I am still sick so it could be partly that) and am actually looking very much forward to getting my act together tomorrow, going back to my eggs and fruit for breakfast and a big salad full of fresh veggies for lunch. I feel so much better eating that way. And I also noted today that I feel much better when I let my stomach *rest* between meals rather than constantly shoving bits of this and that in there so I am *constantly* digesting something. That is exhausting.

I wish I could find a way to eat correctly for my body without a lot of thought and effort. I'd like healthy eating to be as natural and habitual as grabbing a soda for my thirst used to be long ago. I *have* made some things natural; I don't even think about what to drink anymore. I just grab water or tea without a thought. I hope someday, when I am housebound and stressed I just reach and grab an apple instead of some other random crap. I still am not there yet. When I am on autopilot an apple is not even on my radar. Practice will get me there in time, I think. I hope.

Okay, I am coughing up a storm so I am going to take something and try to get some sleep. Goodnight!

Just a Little Update

2012-05-01T18:54:00.000-07:00

EVERYBODY in my house is sick except the pup.

I cleaned up so much vomit over the past 2 days, it is not even funny. Twenty loads of wash in 3 days... sheets, blankets, towels, you name it. Not everyone is sick with the same thing though. We are also going through boxes of Kleenexes like crazy. I personally have a cold with a cough. The old dog is hacking up a lung, and the poor old cat hasn't eaten in two days. Vet trip in the morning.

The main bathroom sink is leaking and everything in the vanity got soaked. Plumber coming shortly.

Hoping for a better day tomorrow!

Blood Pressure, Diet, and Weigh-In

2012-04-29T15:08:00.000-07:00

I had a crazy weekend. One day was supremely happy, active, and joyous as I took some of the kids on a road trip and did some dog sports; another day not so much, dealing with kid health issues, lack of sleep, and tons of laundry. At least the sun is shining!

This week I did no formal exercise again, still trying to heal my plantar fasciitis and joint pain. It's getting better. I can walk and not limp now. Epsom salt bath soaks in the evening help. Cutting out sugar and most grains helps, too, so that's what I've been doing. I'm not using as much pain medication, either.

Blood pressure: You may recall that on several occasions this month I saw doctors who noted that my blood pressure was in the range of 143/88. So at my doctor's suggestion, I have been monitoring my blood pressure daily (same time, same circumstance each day) while altering my diet. Very few grains, very little refined sugar, less caffeine, less added salt. Over the week, I watched as my blood pressure slowly went down each day. By this Friday, it was 120/70 and 120/68 when taken by a nurse on two different occasions. At home it was 114/70 the other day. Today I was running on very little sleep and had 2 cups of caffeinated coffee but still got 115/75 as my reading. I am very pleased. Still keeping an eye on it, keeping a log and monitoring how dietary changes affect it.

A frequent breakfast I enjoy is 2 free range eggs, 1 or 2 slices of bacon, and half an orange or banana with coffee or tea. A week or so ago, I was thinking about how I used to often eat an egg, cheese, and spinach wrap in the mornings and I decided to try it again. I bought my beloved Carb Balance low carb/high protein tortillas, made myself a wrap the same as I used to make, but guess what? I didn't really enjoy it. The wrap tasted funny. It seemed to get in the way of the flavors of the 'real food.' So I guess my tastes have changed, and I will continue to skip the wrap and just eat eggs and spinach together on a plate if I want that kind of thing. Speaking of taste changes, in the very short time I've been drinking coffee black (which is still shocking to me that I *ever* got there, since I was the QUEEN of adding crap to my coffee), I actually PREFER it black now! I don't even WANT any half and half or sweetener or anything interfering with my nice black roasty coffee flavor. I am SO glad this has happened. I used to envy people who could drink coffee black. Now I am one of them! I have been drinking Eight O'Clock brand coffee (original) made in a french press. Great stuff! I also now prefer ALL my teas with nothing added, from green tea to herbals to black. That's a big milestone to me. I wonder if I will ever find a healthy sub that I prefer to my beloved bacon? We'll see. I *do* think it is awesome that if I need a little take-along snack for the road, my favorite is a sandwich baggie full of cold, steamed fresh asparagus spears. Finger food at its finest!

Scale this morning said 215... same as two weeks ago. No gain, no loss, good enough for me. I am in the midst of PMS bloat so maybe I will get a whoosh this week.

Reasons for Losing Weight

2012-04-26T14:33:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of personal reasons for losing weight.

It started out as just wanting to be able to enjoy vacations with my children. I was sick of hobbling around, sick of sitting on the sidelines watching my kids have fun without me, sick of having my husband drop me off at the handicapped entrances, sick of telling the whole family that we had to leave the beach after ten minutes because I could not stand any longer and could not get up off the sand if I sat down. I just wanted the basic human dignity of being able to be with my kids and being able to go up and down stairs to kiss them goodnight at bedtime. That was the driving force behind starting my weight loss and starting this blog.

Now, four and a half years later, I've accomplished that. In fact, a year and a half ago I was pretty much able to do everything that was important to me. I had a bit of sadness when I realized I would never be able to run, but running isn't so much a goal for me anyway. The goal is being healthy and able for life. And I got there.

I am not sure what happened at 175 pounds, but my goals changed. I had the life I wanted. The reasons for losing weight became a) get weight off my knees to stop whatever invisible damage was going on due to arthritis, b) be thin enough to feel a tumor if there ever was one, unlike my mother whose giant tumor went unnoticed in her giant abdomen until it was too late, c) get 'healthy' so I could live a long time for my kids, and d) look good. Yes, for that last one, I wondered how it would be to be 145 pounds like I was when I was 18 - 20 years old. I wanted to get down to that size again if possible, just for looks sakes and to experience that size again. I thought it would be cool and fun.

Apparently, those reasons were not enough. I started gaining again, because the call of food occasionally seemed more 'urgent' than the far-off/unlikely worries about a tumor, or the unfelt/unseen knee damage, or the vanity thing. Eh, those can wait, I think I will have a brownie.

Now I am in pain, about 40 pounds heavier than my lowest, aching with every step, knees crackling, unable to keep up with my dog or my kids. Life's not as fun anymore. My clothes SUCK. So now my reasons have become more urgent: stop the pain, be able to enjoy life again, be able to fit into my clothes again. And *those* reasons *are* enough to make me put down the brownie. Those reasons are more urgent.

It makes me wonder, though, if it will happen all over again at 175 pounds or at some other weight as I go down the scale. If the reason to lose weight stops being more urgent than a bag of chips, the weight loss stops. All I can do for now is keep working towards my goals. I know how great I felt at 175. And if I can get there and even if I stay there, that will be a life with SO much more pleasure in it than this one with the daily pain. I will try and remember that, and if 175 is where I stay, and if I can find no urgency in my reasons to go lower, I am okay with that. But we will see how my reasons change once I get there.

Better Every Day

2012-04-25T17:42:00.000-07:00

I am feeling better and better every day. As I spend time outside in the sun, as I eat healthy foods and skip the sugar and grains, my mood and energy level are lifting significantly. I am getting lots more done, working on all the little things I have put off for so long. It feels excellent.

The only thing standing in the way of my exercise right now is foot pain. I now have orthotic inserts in two pairs of shoes; I am searching for a store that does shoe fittings but not having any luck locally; I may have to wait until I am out of town for something else, because I can't really justify a 6 hour round trip just to get new shoes! I might try ordering some good walking shoes online, but I worry about fit and comfort and how they will feel. I hate to buy shoes without trying them out, even highly recommended shoes.

My blood pressure continues to be elevated, but as I cut back on salt, sugar, carbs, and caffeine it is going down slowly. It started at 143/88 last week and has been around 136/80 for the past two days. Hoping it continues to drop. My doctor is also monitoring things and if it is still elevated in a month we will look at other options.

Today I enjoyed a big Romaine salad with chicken breast and light Ranch for lunch. I had some yogurt, a sugar free decaf latte, and Medifast meals for breakfast and snacks, and dinner will be my favorite meatloaf with mashed potatoes for the kids and roasted broccoli for me.

That's all for now!