Tribe Interrupted

Time To Take Matters Into My Own Hands

2010-12-20T20:43:00.002-05:00

OK so it's been over a year since I last did anything to further my search. I've been re-inspired ( if that's a word?)

As an Event Coordinator here in NYC I am fortunate enough to meet some very interesting people. The one that triggered this latest need to find was Troy Dunn from The Locator show on WeTV. He was such a nice genuine guy who gave me a new since of hope. I am at a stalemate in my search. The only thing I have is a year of my biological sister's death.

Troy said that it should be easy to track down my sister's obituary which in turn gives names of surviving family members. I started making phone calls to The City of Newark and the Public Library. It began to feel as though it's not going to be easy. It was explained to me that a lot of deaths are not in the paper since there's a cost for having an obituary posted. I'm going to take trip to Newark to the Library to go through their microfiche, wish me luck.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Visiting the Past.

2009-10-27T21:48:00.001-04:00

So I was in Jersey about a month ago when we (girlfriend and cousin) decided to drive to Hillside. We were in search a lobsters on sale at Shoprite, I must say my cousin can smell a deal a mile away, I call her Coupon Queen. I digress, once in Hillside which is a town on the outskirts of Newark, I had a great idea let's find the house where I was a foster child. After a few miss turns there it was my foster home.

Sensibilities and Emotions

2009-10-20T13:28:00.000-04:00

It's now the end of October which makes it almost 10 months since I started my search for any family. About 3 weeks ago I called Debra from the NJ Adoption registry for any updates as usual I had to wait for a call back. Debra said that she can't find any information on my family. Umm. Do you ever get the feeling that someone is blowing you off? Well that's the vibe I got from her. Has she even looked? I thought, no I don't believe so, like with most she's overwhelmed in her job and just half ass complete projects. So now it's up to me to do my own research. Where do I start? My dead sister? Mental hospitals? My birth hospital? Criminal justice system? Where?!?!? I need to get some information from as many people as possible. Thank God for Social Media.

-- Post From LadySway's Iphone

Making Good Use of Social Networking

2009-09-30T20:38:00.000-04:00

I am on as many Social Media sites as possible, my two favorites are Twitter and Facebook (you can find me under LadySway) where was I oh yeah, once I received the confirmation that Adoption Registries are useless (like I've heard countless times) I made a conscious decision to search on my own. I reached out to my friends on Facebook and followers on Twitter asking for information to help me start my search. I was amazed at the response I received, the information came in like a flood. For all those who say that Twitter is a waste of time these people just don't get the benefit of having hundreds/ thousands of people at your fingers tips.

I think I will start with searching my sisters death records from the 1960's in Newark, NJ. She died of exphyziation which I'm sure there weren't many young black females that had that cause of death in the city of Newark during that particular year. Wish me luck and once again Social Media works.

Lawyer Charged with Fake Adoptions

2009-09-29T11:55:00.004-04:00

A Roslyn attorney stole thousands of dollars from prospective parents trying to adopt children by promising them nonexistent babies, Nassau District Attorney Kathleen Rice said Friday.

Kevin Cohen, 41, was arrested at his home Friday morning following a 16-month investigation into the alleged scam.

Cohen was charged last December for trying to steal the house he lived in, prosecutors said.

Beginning in May 2007, Cohen presented himself as a legal expert in adoption proceedings and convinced couples to give him money to pay for medical costs and other expenses incurred by birth mothers who were willing to put their babies up for adoption, prosecutors said.

One couple paid Cohen $65,000 when he claimed he had two birth mothers who wanted to put their children up for adoption, prosecutors said. The mothers and babies did not exist, they said.

Cohen was charged with second-degree grand larceny, first-degree scheme to defraud and third-degree criminal possession of a forged instrument. He faces up to 15 years in prison if convicted.

He is to be arraigned Friday in First District Court in Hempstead.

Prosecutors began investigating Cohen in May 2008.

Last December, Cohen was charged with attempted grand larceny, forgery and other charges for trying to steal the home he lived in, prosecutors said. Cohen did not own the home, which was held in trust for him, prosecutors said. That case is pending.

Thank You News Day

Birth Family vs. Adopted Family

2009-07-15T08:23:00.001-04:00

Here recently I've been given "which would have been better" debate a lot of thought. Of late I have been dealing with a lot of stress and pain from my family (adopted) which makes me revert back to childhood when I was consistantly running away. Which sad to say I am ready to pack up and move for the last time from Brooklyn to Miami. Not only due to my family but for a better way of life. It has gotten entirely too expensive to survive and have a good quality of life up here. But the constant attacks and making me feel like an intruder doesn't hurt my need to leave.
I had a very disturbing or should I say unhappy childhood. Starting with the beatings I constantly received from my foster mother and mistreatment I received from my foster sister (her birth daughter). As you know I was adopted at the age of 7 going on 8 and the only difference in the two families was education and money. I still had this sick dynamic with a mother and a sister. No I wasn't constantly beaten when I was adopted but sometimes emotional scares last longer and cut deeper then many beatings. By the time I was 13 I started running away because I could not take the rejection, observing love which wasn't meant for me, always treated as though I didn't count or as an intruder. While I was running away my mother was creating a hateful jealous monster which she continues to be till this day. I'm not going to make this an attack post, but I have to say I can't take the lack of concern or consideration for my feelings any more. So yes I wonder how differently my life would have turned out had I not been adopted or taken away.

-- Post From LadySway's Iphone

The Call Back

2009-07-02T13:35:00.000-04:00

Debra called 2 weeks after my messege was left. Not really saying anything, she asked was I alright with information she sent. I told her I found the information inconsistant and she acted as though this was no big deal. She happened to catch me when I didn't feel well which means I didn't have much fight in me. Finally I asked what's our next step? She responded by asking me; if I choose to search who would it be? I explained it would be my mother at which time her tone changed which was a little deflating. I then mentioned if she's still alive then there should be social security records for her. Debra then blew me off with a maybe and then explained that she will send out letters to found family members which might not be responded to or sent back rejecting the idea of meeting me. When I asked how long this process might take she said probably up to 3 months. I left the phone call feeling quite discouraged.

-- Post From LadySway's Iphone

The Waiting Game...Still?

2009-07-02T13:33:00.001-04:00

I called Debra after reading the background information left a messege stll haven't heard anything back. I understand that I amnot the only person that she's helping but seriously how much does ittake to return a phone call. I also would like to speak to her about the descrepencies in the report. Like for instance why is my adopted sister listed as my Forster sister. How is it that I was found at the age of 3 years and 7 months how was I a foster child at the age of 3. How many sisters do I have. What's my father's name? Which sibling died and what was the actual date? What are the actual birth dates of my sisters? Was I not a twin? And the questions go on and on.

-- Post From LadySway's Iphone

Un-Identifying Background Arrive

2009-06-20T11:42:00.007-04:00

So the Un-Identifying information arrived 4 days later, I had so many different emotions as I opened the letter. My partner and I sat in the bathroom as I read it. Alot of the information was familiar to me and others were very disturbing. Then other parts were inconsistant so I am in a place of doubt and confusion with some anxiety. The report's dates were off, it stated that I was found at the age of 3 years and 7 mos tied to a door in the house alone. It also said that my mother had a lot of legal and mental issues with some violent tendencies. It also stated that I have sister's full and half, not to sure of how many because once again there where a lot od decrepencies in this report. The report said that my mother had a paranoid schizophrenic personality and was diagnosed with schizophrenic, chronic undifferentiated type.

The letter ended with her stating that my next step is to either look for my sisters or my mother. Everyone that I have discussed this with has suggested that I should start with my sisters. I on the other hand feel that if my mother is still alive I might not have much time left to meet her. Plus she is the only person who can answer the questions I have. I called the Registry and had to leave a messege so that we can move on to the next step. Still waiting to hear back.

Attitude Works

2009-06-08T17:03:00.004-04:00

So here we are the following Monday and Yes Debra called me. I was currently on the phone when the called came in when I didn't recognize the number I was going to ignore it. I'm glad I didn't because she let me know that she found my records and needed to know if I wanted to do a search or a background check. I decided on the background check first. Only one or the other can be done and I need to know what happened to cause my adoption in the first place. How did I become a ward of the state? I need to know if the story I've been told is true. I asked her how long is it going take or do I need to stalk her. She said about a month, so let's see if shwhat happens.

The Run Around

2009-06-06T11:32:00.006-04:00

It's been a while since my last post because I had nothing new to say. For the last 3 months I have called this lady Debra to get any info: Did she receive my documents? How long will it take? Is any more information needed? What's the next step? But I couldn't ask any of these questions because I only got an answering machine, and yes I left messeges to no avail. So yesterday I called and once again the answering machine picked up but so did my attitude, I let her know that I was very annoyed that she choses to ignore me even though I have sent my personal information to her. How dare she not even let me know in 3 month period if she even received my paper work. I also let her know that it doesn't take much to call someone back rather than leave them in limbo. And yes I wasn't as nice. Within the hour of that messege Debra finally called back whichis a good thing because my next step was to go to Trenton personally. Thanks to the recession I have a lot more free time. (My hours were cut down to 3 days at work) but that's another story.

She called with half truths as to why she never got back to me:

The first thing was that she didn't realize that I was a Spaulding case (which has closed down) I let her know that was one of the first things we discussed in our original conversation.

The second thing all of the files are in boxes because they moved and she's not sure if they have my files. So I had to remind her that she looked my information up in the system and found my name (which is very uncommon)

The third thing was she isn't able to give me any identifying information. And that was discussed as well.

She then said that everything is in boxes because of the move and wasn't sure when they would get to unpacking the files. Finally I was like "how long is it going take?" "Months? A year?" because I didn't want to hear any more of her bullsh*t. She only responded with not too long. My next question was is there any where else I could go for help? She gave me the telephone number to Monmouth County Surrogate Court since my adoption was finalized in Monmouth County New Jersey. So the call ended with me not feeling too confident in her.

Immediately following my call with Debra I called the number she gave me which was diconnected, so I Googled the court and found a different number. I left a messege and received a call back 15 minutes later. The woman was pleasant and explained that I have petition the court to break the seal. If the judge finds just cause he/she will unseal them. I already know that this is going to be a waist of time there are adoptees who have been denied for better reasons than mine. I just want to know who they are. well any way she is emailing the petition forms to me on Monday and I'll see what happens. that's all for now.

Cause and Affect of Adoption?

2009-04-24T13:48:00.005-04:00

I was born in Newark, NJ where the state came in and took me and my siblings from our mother because she had a nervous breakdown. For the next 5 years I was a foster child with an abusive foster mother which made me very tough. At the age of 7 I was adopted into another family which was a rough transition. Due to this transition and searching for a place I belonged I began to runaway. The worse thing to do is to turn to strangers for validation it just doesn't work. I have had drug issues and was a problematic youth. I have always been a dreamer, which was an excape for me; Once I found out that I was a foster child at the age of 4 I began to believe that Melba Moore was my actual mother and she was coming back to get me.

Anyway, I am now a productive adult who has their own child and at times I feel as though I cheat him out of a lot of affection that he longs for and deserves. If my feelings are true I believe it stems from not knowing how to be affectionate because I never had that as a child. I have lived my life as a spectator, I am a great observer and try hard not to be too invovled.

Experiences I'll Never Have

2009-04-03T09:10:00.007-04:00

Still waiting to hear from New Jersey State Adoption Registry now a month later..the thoughts of life's experiences I'll never know come to mind. Baby pictures is the first, this has been an issue for me maybe 5 times in my life mostly as a child. In school there were occassions when the teacher would assign a project that involved baby pictures and I am having to explain or lie as to why I don't have any. Or growing up with my sister who was also adopted pictures all over the house with our mother once again none of me. But I have to say, I was never as affected by this as when I gave birth to my now 16 year old son and looked down at him wondering if he looked like me when I was a baby. That's the first time I gave thought to finding my birth family. As a young new single mother I couldn't afford to follow through.

Another thing I didn't get to experience as an adopted child was the connection of having grandparents. I was adopted at the age of 8 and by the time I came along my adopted mother's mother had passed, she had no contact with her father. My adopted father's mother lived in Louisiana and we lived in New Jersey. I think I saw her 3 times in my life. I do understand that this is not only because I was adopted, however I feel as though if I were born into this family or any family I would have had a better chance in those first 8 years to have a relationship with my grandparents. Don't misunderstand me I realize that I could have been stuck with crazy or problematic grandparents but I would have a stronger since of who I am good, bad or indifferent.

She just didn't get it...

2009-03-12T09:43:00.009-04:00

I mailed off the Adoption Registry forms along with a copy of my adoption papers and ID. How anxious am I. The copies were made at work yesterday through my excitement I shared this special time in my life with a few of my co-workers. As I was speaking with one in particular she reminded me how most people just don't get it. What I mean is a person who is not adopted or knows who they are really does not understand the need to know where I come from. Her response was "DO YOU REALLY NEED TO KNOW THAT?" I immediately became offended and replied "YES, I really need to know!" She then said "Well, I know people in the same situation who don't care. I responded with "You might think they don't but I find it hard to believe that you know a few adoptees and none of them are curious as to where they come from. No matter the reason; medical history, where their looks come from or feeling incomplete they want and need to know. You can't sell that to me." I thought to myself how dare you minimize my feelings on something you haven't any experience in.

I believe the thought is if an adopted person has a good family (adopted) why should we need to look further. It has nothing to do with my legal family I love them to death. I just turned 43 this past weekend and my entire family through me a surprise party I was really touched that they went through so much to pull it off. So I feel loved and appreciated by my family. This is something I need to do to fill a void in side of me. Keep in mind I'm not looking for them to be rich or some outstanding family or to even want a relationship. I just want to know who they are.

It's here! Boy was that fast.

2009-03-09T22:57:00.003-04:00

I just spoke wih Debra from the New Jersey Department of Human Services (for public agency adoptions only)Division of Youth and Family Services Adoption Registry last Thurs morning about my adoption records which she found (previous post) I checked the mail box this evening and the letter and form had arrived. I am glad that she expedited the paper work as she promised. I am going to fill it out and send it back tomorrow, so that the first step will be done.

Here's the letter:

Here's the form:

They FOUND ME!!!!!

2009-03-06T11:30:00.013-05:00

As I was writing the previous post I decided to call the New Jersey Department of Human Services (for public agency adoptions only)Division of Youth and Family Services Adoption Registry Coordinator in Trenton, NJ (the state capital).

I'm so EXCITED! I can't get my my thoughts clear. Ok so let me take a deep breath...where was I? Oh yeah, I tried the 1st number and left a messege. I'm sure I sounded frustrated and annoyed since I had called last week and left a messege with no return call. Then I dialed the 2nd number and a lovely woman by the name of Debra answered, she caught me off guard because I truly beleived I would get another answering machine. So I start to stammer "hello, I'm calling for assistance in finding my birth family" she said "ok do you have any information about your adoption?" I told her yes I was born in Newark, New Jersey and my adoption was done through the Spaulding Adoption Agency in Elizabeth, New Jersey and finalized in Monmouth County. Debra then said "well that agency has gone out of business and we only have a few of their records. Which are in another building". Then she asked when was I born, I told her **/**/1966. She asked if I knew my birth name, I told her that on my adoption papers it had 4 different names. So I gave them to her (Taha Ariba Howard Shabazz. Debra asked me to hold while she checks..I'm waiting impatiently as I hear typing in the back ground. She comes back and says "I'm sorry I don't see anything" I began to think of what's my next step with a little disappointment. I then I hear her say "wait a minute..what's this?" So I start to get excited and blurred out "is it me" "is it me" she says yes I beleive it is. What do you see? As her delay in responding is making me nuts. She said "Ariba Howard" I SCREAMED! THAT'S ME! THAT'S ME! That's the name I went to school under as a foster child from the ages of(3-7) and the name I learned how to spell.

I was so Exstactic! She said it's very rare that we find someone in the system. I responded "That's because it's meant for me to find my family" So what's next I asked Debra. She said there are 2 options, I could do one or both just not at the same time. Which is a Background Summary with no identifying information or a Search. I asked how much does this cost and she said FREE! I'll come back to that in a minute. She explained that most people do the Background Summary 1st, which entails how I came to being adopted. Which won't include names or addresses (no identifying information). After which I can do the search, where she would reach out to the people in my records to see if they would like to meet me. If so then she will put us together. How great is that!!! There's that possibility that everyone might not want to meet me but I'm sure at least one of them will. Wish me luck. Oh yeah remember, I mentioned it is a FREE service well keep in mind that in my previous post the organization asked for $1295 which good for a year and she said it might take longer than that.

Here's where I look for the contact information Adoption.com

This story ends with Debra mailing me the form to fill out and include my adoption papers and Id copy.

Is there anyone willing to help us?

2009-03-02T13:25:00.003-05:00

I clicked on a family search link through adoption.com and filled out all of the contact information in the form. A few days later I received a phone call from this organization which I will leave nameless for now, the woman asked a couple of questions:"Who was I looking for?", "What's my birthday?" at which point I interrupted to ask "How much does this cost?" She then began telling all the different methods that might be used in the search. I once again asked how much and she said $1,295.00 I know that I don't have that kind of money laying around to give to someone who is also telling me that it's good for a year. Which means that after a year if they haven't gotten any where I am out of $1295.00 so I ended the call. My thought process is that I can search myself in a years time considering I already know which adoption agency handled my case; Spaulding Adoption Agency in Elizabeth New Jersey. And I also have my adoption papers with my birth name. Even when I told her this she dimissed the information as though it meant nothing, I didn't like that because I felt as though she was trying to make me feel as though the organization would be starting from scratch to justify the price.

Using the Adoption Registry:
The following persons may use the registry: adopted adults, adoptive parents of minor adoptee, and birth parents. At the request of an adopted adult, or of a minor adoptee with permission from his or her adoptive parents, the registry will conduct a search for birth relative(s) who have not registered.

Contact:
New Jersey Department of Human Services
(for public agency adoptions only)
Division of Youth and Family Services
Adoption Registry Coordinator
PO Box 717
Trenton, NJ 08625
(609) 984-6800
(609) 292-8816
http://www.state.nj.us/njfosteradopt/adoption/registry/

Gratitude...I could have aged out.

2009-02-27T23:45:00.000-05:00

As I an working on my blog and researching for my family search I am getting an overwhelming feeling of GRATITUDE!!! I realize that I could have been 1 of the millions of children who had to age out in foster homes or a ward of the state. Ther I was a 7 year African American girl who was fortunate enough for a highly educated Black family to adopt me from this disfunctional family the state of New Jersey had placed me. I hear these stories of kids and teenages being moved from family to family or even age out in group homes. With way of life these children have no where to go once they turn 18. And the worst part is that the State won't help them with housing or schooling. Let's not forget to mention the abuse these children endure. We as a nation need to start looking to help these children enter their adulthood so that they can become productive adults and happy human beings. So once again I am GRATEFUL for my family.

Gay and Lesbian Adoptions written by Case Western Reserve University (Victor

2009-02-27T23:23:00.000-05:00

Gay and Lesbian Adoption
- Adoption Links -
Compiled by Brenna Coughlin

There is a fairly large amount of information available on the internet specific to gay and lesbian adoption. Presented below are sites geared to same-sex couples and general parenting or adoption sites with gay and lesbian adoption subsets.

American Civil Liberties Union – Lesbian and Gay Rights
http://www.aclu.org/issues/gay/parent.html
The ACLU provides a useful and informative sheet of facts and an overview of gay and lesbian issues. The major focus is on the legal policies and summaries of the states position on adoption; the majority of states cannot deny adoption based solely on sexual orientation. A great deal of research is presented on the comparison of heterosexual and homosexual parenting and the crisis in adoption and foster care, such as the need for permanency for children. Another useful section is the myths and facts of gay and lesbian parents; this may be useful to individuals with misconstrued information regarding gay parents. The site provides a great deal of useful and informative data focusing on a wide range of topics.

Meeting the Challenges of Adoption – Gay and Lesbian Parents
http://www.adopting.org/GayLesbianAdoption.html
Rosio Gonzalez and Jill Jacobs of Family Builders by Adoption produced this valuable site. There is a general search component, library of resources and a list of waiting children. The section for gay and lesbian parents provides an overview of state rulings and discussion of some potential obstacles, such as adoption agencies resistance to gay families. Suggestions are offered to assist in a positive adoption experience, such as researching various agencies that are not discriminatory to gay and lesbians. A brief explanation of the adoption process for all families is discussed and the potential intrusive nature of the homestudy. A list of supports for gay and lesbians are included and developing a support system is highly recommended. The site is accommodating to the needs of gay and lesbian parents and provides adequate and reliable information on the adoption process.

Partners Task Force for Gay & Lesbian Couples
http://www.buddybuddy.com/toc.html
The task force site is a general site pertaining to issues that impact gay and lesbian families, primarily focusing on marriage. From the table of contents, the adoption, foster care, donor insemination and surrogating can be accessed through the parenting section. The section on adoption is clearly and thoughtfully written and provides a synopsis on same-sex adoption and statistics along with suggestions for families considering adoption. This site presents a great deal of valuable information from the American Bar Association and the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse along with covering a wide range of concerns, such as the possible difficulties for gay men adopting. Lastly, there are case examples in various states that address the particular laws concerning same-sex adoption throughout the United States.

Family Pride Coalition: Supporting and protecting the families of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered parents
http://familypride.org
This site addresses the topic of same-sex adoption with biological children from a heterosexual marriage or relationship. The article, Protecting families: standards for child-custody in same-sex relationships, is presented in the what's new section. For gay and lesbian parents who are seeking adoption of their partners' child(ren), this site presents standards compiled by various professionals, lawyers and social workers, as well as parents to ensure a positive and the least stressful experience for the children and the parents. The article is profound and presents many helpful suggestions to deescalate intense situations. The site is only useful for couples experiencing this type of adoption process specific to custodial rights. The homepage is practical for gay parents and offers a list of events, links of interests, advocacy, parent groups and other important information.

Adopt: Assistance Information Support
http://www.adopting.org/gaybib.html
A gay bibliography is presented with two internet links specific to gay and lesbian adoption and a wide selection of non-internet references. This is particularly useful for individuals not inclined to search the internet or would like to supplement their research with academic and popular culture reading material. The books and articles range in topics specific to gay and lesbian parenting to family relations. Therefore, this site is functional for families in the beginning stages of adoption in order to have some prior understanding of potential parenting issues specific to same-sex families.

Parents Place: share the adventure of parenting
http://boards2.parentsplace.com/messages/get/ppgayadopting2/1.html
The Parents Place is a general site for families with questions, seeking support and advice. The homepage provides a search component, newsletters and description of available programs. An interesting aspect is the board section, which is composed of various topics that people can discuss, debate and ask questions. The adoption board for gay and lesbian families is for advice and feedback, it is restricted from debate. It provides supportive information and allows individuals to ask questions and respond to concerns regarding gay adoption. This is very useful and anonymous; it empowers the community to interact and assist in an informal manner.

Promoting Lesbian Visibility on the Internet
http://www.lesbian.org/lesbian-moms/adopt.html
The site provides general issues and concerns specific for lesbians (www.lesbians.org). One of the interesting components is the questions and answers section from parents based on personal experience with adoption ranging from costs to locating agencies. A list of agencies specific to gay and lesbian adoptions is provided. The site provides articles, stories, resources by states and links to gay adoption sites. The site provides in-depth information in an informal and friendly environment.

Parenting Q & A
http://www.parenting-qa.com
This is an educational and functional site that provides a search component that connects with the parenting questions and answers database. There are multiple categories; adoption and second-parents are examples of the various key words that produce gay adoption literature. A selection of essays, organizations, tips and books are provided and accessible. An excellent adoption essay presents the state laws pertaining to same-sex adoption. A description of the various terminology utilized by the states is provided in order to comprehend the laws: co-parent, second-parent and same-sex parent. A large quantity of information specific to the various positions of the states and court cases provide a clear understanding of the political climate for gay and lesbian adoption in the state of interest. In addition, resources, questions and answers are categorized by children's developmental stage.

A State-by-State Guide to Adoption
http://www.gaywired.com/storydetail.cfm?Section=75&ID=748
This site provides a meticulous article by Joseph R. Price from Alternative Family. The general process of adoption is discussed as well as the many issues that gay and lesbians seeking adoption may encounter. The article is full of in-depth information on the various states and court proceedings regarding same-sex adoption. The issue of second parent adoption is addressed as well as legal cases specific to the states. The extensive article provides a great deal of research specific to the legal issues of gay and lesbian adoption.

The International Lesbian and Gay Association
http://www.ilga.org/Information/legal_survey/summary%20information/adoption_rights.htm
The international federation is composed of local and national groups with a mission of equal rights for gays and lesbians. The homepage (www.ilga.org) consists of global issues, news and the latest events. The site provides a listing of countries' position on same-sex adoption including pending legal cases. This is very helpful for gay and lesbians interested in international adoption and provides the basic knowledge of the countries that permit same-sex adoption.

Gay Parent
http://www.gayparentmag.com/Advertisements/advertisements.html
This site is a monthly online magazine for gay and lesbian families. The adoption and foster care category provides links to adoption agencies for same-sex couples. Resources, articles, support groups and links enable families to seek out a variety of topics. The site focuses on gay friendly agencies and services which adoptive families may utilize, such as nurturing families and supportive accommodations for gay families. A favorable component is the section on books and gifts for gay and lesbian adoptions.

The Locator

2009-02-25T15:52:00.000-05:00

Article found on Adoption.com: Issues Facing Adult Adoptee

2009-02-24T20:41:00.000-05:00

Adoptees
Issues Facing Adult Adoptees (4/02)

Often when people hear the word "adoption," they think of an infertile, childless couple delightedly gazing into the eyes of their recently adopted newborn baby. They are thrilled to finally be parents, and are totally involved in meeting the immediate needs of the child. But what about the years that follow? Do the effects of adoption stop the moment that a child comes home to the new parents?

Adoption Services

Those closely associated with adoption-adult adopted persons, birth parents, adoptive parents, and their friends and families-know that its effects can be felt for a long time, in fact for a lifetime. Adult adoptees often talk about them.1 For example, Steve Harris, a 39-year-old program director at a Dallas radio station who was adopted as an infant, has been plagued with low self-esteem throughout his life. Marie Haverton, a 24-year-old office manager who was adopted at birth, has always been afraid that people are going to leave her, whether it is the men she dates or the people with whom she works. Mary Lou Roman did not know she had been adopted until she was 17 and about to be married. Her parents could not produce her birth certificate, but instead handed her the legal document stating that she had been adopted. Suddenly she knew why she had so many identity problems in her early teenage years.

Most people at some time in their lives have feared rejection or have felt badly about themselves for one reason or another. But adopted persons have a unique issue that distinguishes them from their peers-they were not raised by their biological parents. Some adoptees spend a lot of time wondering why their birth parents placed them for adoption, and what their life would have been like if they had not been adopted. They wonder if something was wrong with them from the start that caused them to be placed with other parents.

Some adopted persons link all of their problems to the fact that they were adopted. Others do not make that connection or insist that having been adopted has not interfered with their ability to live a happy, fulfilling life. Others feel very positively about their adoption experience, but realize that adoption brings with it certain issues. Just about everyone who has been adopted faces issues of identity and feelings of loss, especially at milestone events-such as graduation from high school or college, marriage, the birth of a child, or the death of an adoptive parent. Adopted persons may wonder how their birth parents would feel if they knew their child had reached these milestones.

Some adopted persons are able to work through their feelings on their own or with the support of friends and family; others seek professional help to deal with the range of emotions they feel about having been adopted.

"Adoptees suffer from a fear of loss. They see loss all over the place," stated the late Dr. Marshall Schechter, who was a psychiatrist at the University of Pennsylvania's School of Medicine and a nationally recognized expert on adoption. "Even those adopted in infancy feel the loss," he said "If it happened once, it can happen again."

Many adopted adults who were in therapy with Dr. Schechter came to him with complaints of depression, alcohol or drug use, marital problems, or problems with their children. Frequently they were having difficulty maintaining intimate relationships. While Dr. Schechter warned against making generalizations about all adoptees-some feel remarkably free of conflict-he and other therapists found that many wrestle with the concerns that adopted adults identify, including questions about identity and self-esteem, feelings of abandonment, and an interest in obtaining information about their genetic background. This factsheet discusses each of these issues and presents some methods for coping.

Identity and Self-Esteem

Establishing one's identity is the major task of adolescence. Teenagers, whether adopted or not, must deal with such questions as, "Who am I? Where do I fit?" and "What do I want to do with my life?" For those who were adopted, the search for personal identity is complicated every step of the way by the mystery of their genetic background. They wonder who gave them their particular characteristics, and they want answers to questions their adopted parents may not be able to provide: "Where do I get my artistic talent? Was everyone in my birth family short? What is my ethnic background? Why was I placed for adoption?"

Often the undeniable fact that an adoptee does not resemble other family members stimulates intense feelings of isolation. In most families, even when a child does not look like his or her parents, there is usually someone else to point to-Aunt Sarah, Grandpa Harry, etc.-to make the comparison. Adopted children may feel particularly or overly sensitive about the fact that they do not resemble other family members and believe "that their parents have settled for second best," reported Dr. Schechter. "No amount of reassuring can diminish what adopted persons perceive as a stunning difference (between themselves and other family members). They may develop fantasies, both positive and negative, about their birth family, and it often hampers their ability to move on with their lives."

Feelings of Abandonment

Adoptive parents discuss adoption with their children in different ways. Some parents can talk easily about the subject and encourage their children to ask questions and share their feelings. Others, often because of their own insecurities about their right to be parents, say little about adoption, or even say negative things about a child's birth parents. In these situations, children may feel that there must be something shameful about their past and, thus, begin to feel shameful about themselves. As adults, these individuals may feel they do not have permission to grieve the loss they feel from not growing up with their biological families. According to Lois Melina, co-author of The Open Adoption Experience, they may become "stuck" in their anger and sadness.

However, even when adoptive parents say all the right things, such as "your birthmother was not able to care for you and she wanted you to have the best home possible," some children who have been adopted have strong feelings of abandonment. They think that since their mothers abandoned them, others in their lives will also abandon them. As a result, as adults they do not expect much from other relationships. They may fear rejection, have trouble making commitments, and avoid intimacy. Intimate relationships, in fact, can be quite difficult for some men and women who have been adopted. Fears about abandonment and low self-esteem often lead them to sabotage their relationships. They may perceive this as the only way to insulate themselves from being abandoned again.

According to Dr. Schechter, some adoptees feel that "being vulnerable is just too risky. They fear that a person they invest in will leave them-just like their birth parents did. It causes them to be wary of how close they can get to people."

For some adoptees, the scenario may be similar to that of Catherine, who at 31 had been unable to maintain an intimate relationship for longer than two months. She would fall passionately in love, become intensely involved, then suddenly feel dissatisfied and break off the relationship. It happened as soon as her partner suggested a more permanent emotional commitment. "I would panic," Catherine says. "I always wanted to leave them before they left me. That way I could be the one in control and not get hurt."

Some adoptees avoid intimacy because they are uncomfortable with the openness and vulnerability that such relationships entail. "Many times, entering into an intimate relationship will force someone to admit secrets he has kept hidden even from himself," say the authors of Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self. "For an adoptee in a new, intimate relationship, this can mean expressing feelings about being adopted that have previously been dormant or suppressed."2

Other adoptees may thwart their intimate relationships by being too clingy. For example, Steve Harris admits, "As a child, I was always hanging on to my mother. Whenever she would leave the room, I would cry. Later, I transferred the same behavior to the women in my life. I was always afraid they would leave me, so I pressured them so that they had no choice but to back off. I didn't even realize I was doing it."

This is not to say that all adoptees have problems with feelings of abandonment in their intimate relationships. However, many come to understand that they have an additional sensitivity to the issue.

The Interest in Genetic Information

Another issue facing adoptees is that they often lack family medical history and other family information. A visit to the doctor's office, where one is likely to be asked about one's family medical history, makes adoptees acutely aware of how they differ from those who were not adopted.

When an adoptee plans to get married or become a parent, his or her need for genetic information may become more intense. People have different questions about the child they will produce, such as what the child will look like, and if the child will inherit any genetic disorders, such as sickle-cell anemia. Unfortunately, the fear of the unknown has kept some adoptees from having their own children.

Most people take for granted the fact that they have access to their genetic and medical information. For those who were adopted, however, it is very difficult to obtain updated medical information unless birth parents have updated their file. Many States allow adopted persons to have access to their non-identifying information. Some have mutual consent registries that provide identifying information to the parties in an adoption only if all have agreed that they wish to be found. Alabama, Alaska, Hawaii, and Kansas are the only States with an open record policy. Some adoptees are quite angry at the obstacles placed before them in trying to recover what they consider their birthright-full access to their adoption records, including identifying information. "It is outrageous that society should decide that I have no right to my records," says Florence Fisher, founder of the Adoptees Liberty Movement Association (ALMA). "Why should I pay taxes to a country that won't give me my birth certificate?"

"I was told I would need my adoptive parents' permission before anything could be released to me," says 45- year-old Bonnie, who was similarly outraged at being unable to obtain her birth certificate. "I have two adult children of my own and they are telling me that I need my 68-year-old mother's permission to find out my history." Adoptions arranged 45 years ago never included a provision for ongoing contact between adoptive and birth parents. Over the past 10 to 15 years there have been a number of changes in adoption practice. Nowadays, even if there is not full openness in an adoption there is often a mechanism for willing parties to communicate with one another through the agency or attorney who arranged the adoption so that updated medical and other non-identifying information can be shared.

How Adopted Persons Cope

"Being adopted is a lifelong issue" says Marie Haverton. "Even if it doesn't haunt you, even if you have a job and a family and a good self-image, the fact that the family that you grew up in is not the family whose genetics you share never goes away. Some of us live in denial. Others of us make an uneasy peace with our situations. Some seek kinship in support groups. Some, like me, have to find our birth families."

Support Groups

National organizations such as ALMA, the American Adoption Congress, or local support groups such as Philadelphia's Adoption Forum, offer solace, sympathy, and an opportunity for those who have been adopted to exchange feelings and information. For many, it is one of the few places where everyone understands the unique aspects of adoption and feelings can be expressed openly. It is an environment in which adoptees can tell their stories and hear about other people's experiences. "People in your life try to be sympathetic," says Barbara Bucharis, "but there is no way you can understand what it feels like not to know where you came from. No matter how many books you read on the subject or how much research you've done, you can never understand-unless you've lived it-what it feels like to have this mystery in your life."

"Support groups help validate your feelings," confirms Marie Haverton. "You see that what you are feeling isn't crazy. There are a lot of people in the same boat and they are there to help you along." Hearing in support group meetings how others have coped with their feelings of abandonment, rejection, and loss can inspire troubled adult adoptees to work through their own issues. They might decide to talk to a counselor about these issues, possibly going to one that someone in the support group found helpful, or they might decide to search for their birth family.

Counseling

Some adult adoptees find individual counseling with a counselor who is knowledgeable about adoption issues to be very helpful. An experienced therapist can help adult adoptees untangle which of their concerns are adoption-related and which are adjustment issues that many people in their stage of life go through. According to Detroit-area adoption therapist Linda Yellin, MSW, who is an adoptee, "Therapy can assist adoptees in a number of different ways. It can help them with their interpersonal relationships; the integration of their adoption experiences; their struggles around adoption issues; and with their healing process. Therapy can also assist adoptees in sorting through the decision about whether or not to search for birth relatives. If a search is undertaken, the counselor can assist in preparing an adoptee for a possible reunion, and in understanding and integrating the new information and newly found family of origin as well as the upheaval of emotions that often accompanies a search and its aftermath."

For instance, some adoptees' reunions go very well. They find their birth family and they like them very much, and everyone is happy to have been found. For those adoptees, the issues in therapy may be the grief and loss they feel at not having been able to grow up with that family. For those who were adopted at an older age from the foster care system, therapy may help them deal with the consequences of the abuse or neglect they endured when they were younger. Even if they are happy with their place in their adoptive family, they may still be dealing with the effects of their early life experiences. Therapy is a resource that adoptees, adoptive parents, and birth parents can use to help them handle whatever emotions they are feeling.

Occasionally, therapists who are knowledgeable about adoption issues offer therapy groups in which all of the participants are adopted adults, or are touched by adoption in some way. Participants could be adoptive parents, birth parents, or perhaps a sibling of an adoptee. These groups go into more depth than the type of support group described above. They actually combine the best elements of a support group and individual counseling: members of the group all have the adoption experience in common and the group is facilitated by a skilled mental health professional.

The Search for Birth Parents

In the past, it was assumed that a healthy, well-adjusted adopted person would have no desire to delve into his or her birth history. Those who insisted that they needed this information and access to their birth records were considered to be ungrateful at the least, and seriously disturbed at the worst. It was startling, therefore, when the May l971 issue of the Pediatrics journal printed the following: "There is ample evidence that the adopted child retains the need for seeking his ancestry for a long time."3

Later in the 1970s, a research group in California led by Arthur D. Sorosky, M.D., a clinical professor of child psychiatry at UCLA, and social workers Annette Baran and Reuben Pannor revealed that by late adolescence and young adulthood, just about all adoptees in their study felt a sense of "genealogical bewilderment," defined as "psychological confusion about their genetic origins." The researchers found that adoptees search for their birth family because of both a sociological and a biological need.

Indeed, recent research indicates that it is normal and healthy for adopted persons to want to know more about their genetic background. "There is a significant difference in the way adoptees perceive themselves when they have some information about their birth family's background," says Marcie Griffin, an adoption counselor at Hope Cottage Adoption Center in Dallas, Texas. "When adoptees learn something about their birthmother's education or special talents or are given some explanation of why they were placed, they begin to have greater self-esteem and a better idea of who they really are."

Nonetheless, adoptees thinking about searching hear many voices. One voice tells them not to open Pandora's box-they may be devastated by what they find. Perhaps they will experience rejection or find a birth parent who needs emotional or financial support they are not prepared to give. What about the rights of the birthmother who may have carved out a life for herself and does not want the intrusion? Adoptees must also consider their adoptive parents and the grief that a search may bring them. Adoptive parents may feel unloved, unappreciated, and hurt by their child's need to find his or her "real" parents.

Experienced adoption therapists say that while adoptees may want to take other people's real or imagined feelings into consideration, their own feelings are also important. In most cases, they did not have any control over whether they were placed for adoption, or with whom. Searching is a way for them to get back some of that control, fill in missing pieces, and move on. If adoptees have a strong urge to seek out the people to whom they are biologically related, most therapists say they should follow it. In addition, adoptees planning to search for their birth parents and hoping to have a reunion should have a support network in place while going through the process. The support network can be the adoptee's spouse and children, adoptive family, good friends, therapist, support group, or a combination of several of these.

"One of the misconceptions that adoptive parents have," explained Dr. Schechter, "is that they have done something to make their child want to search. They haven't. Everyone needs to feel that they are part of a continuum of a family. It represents a normal need in people to know, for instance, why they are artistic but their family isn't, why they are gregarious and their parents are quiet. As more is learned about genetics, scientists are discovering that many talents and personality traits have a genetic basis." In fact, a successful search, with the support of adoptive parents, often makes relationships between parents and adopted persons closer.

Dr. Sorosky and his research team found that almost all adoptees in their study wanted to know about their genetic past. Perhaps some did not focus on their adoption and were able to resolve issues surrounding it on their own, or had enough information about the circumstances of their adoption to satisfy them. Adoptees who are basically curious and questioning may decide to undertake an active search. In either case, their decision is not necessarily related to the quality of the relationship between them and their adoptive parents.

For those who do search, the goal should be the truth. They must be willing to accept whatever they find. Even for those adoptees who have searched for birth parents only to experience rejection again, the result is still viewed positively. Many believe that searching helped them to finally achieve adulthood, lay aside childhood fantasies, and accept themselves as a whole person.4

For many, searching can be an important step toward resolving questions of origin. However, even meeting one's birth family will not magically restore self-esteem or erase the sense of rejection that adoptees may have felt through the years. Post-reunion issues themselves take a lot of work; for instance, deciding how involved to be with birth family members after finding them and how to combine those relationships with adoptive family relationships. Gaining the birth family as an adult cannot make up for the years that were not spent together on a day-to-day basis. But it certainly can bring an added dimension to one's life.

Steve Harris remembers, "The night I spoke with my birthmother for the first time-we spent about three hours talking on the telephone about our likes and dislikes-closure was brought to a part of my life. I can remember waking up the next day feeling great. It was the most peaceful night's sleep I'd ever had."

Conclusion

For adoptees, adoption brings with it certain core issues. As adopted children grow into adulthood, they carry their thoughts and feelings about being adopted with them. Adult adoptees may have no, some, or great difficulty dealing with these thoughts and feelings. Some will struggle with the added dynamic that adoption brings to their life, and for others there will be little or no struggle.

We hope this factsheet has been helpful in at least pointing out to adult adoptees that they are not alone, whatever their feelings about being adopted. There are many helpful resources available to them, among them the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse.

The Clearinghouse can help adult adoptees in three ways. First, the Clearinghouse publishes a related factsheet called "Searching for Birth Relatives." In addition to discussing the issues, the factsheet also provides a State-by-State list of all the known national and local adult adoptee search and support groups in the United States. Second, the Clearinghouse provides referrals to a growing list of adoption experts, some of whom are psychotherapists (counselors) who specialize in working with adult adoptees and others who are touched by adoption. Third, the Clearinghouse can supply bibliographic information on many other books and articles on relevant topics. For any of these resources, contact the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse at 330 C Street, SW, Washington, DC 20447 or by phone at (703) 352-3488 or toll free (888) 251-0075.

Bibliography
American Academy of Pediatrics Committee on Adoption. "Identity Development in Adopted Children." Pediatrics, vol. 47 no. 5, May 1971, pp. 948-949.

Brodzinsky, David M., Ph.D.; Schechter, Marshall D., M.D.; and Henig, Robin M. Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self. New York: Anchor Books/Doubleday, 1992.

Griffin, Marcie, M.S. "The Adult Adoptee: The Biological Alien." Adoption Therapist, vol. 2 no. 2, Fall 1991, pp. 8-9.

Klunder, Virgil L. Lifeline: The Action Guide to Adoption Search. Cape Coral, FL: Caradium Publishing, 1991.

Lifton, Betty Jean. Twice Born: Memoirs of an Adopted Daughter. New York: Penguin, 1977.

Lifton, Betty Jean. Lost & Found: The Adoption Experience. New York: Harper & Row Publishers, 1988.

Lifton, Betty Jean. Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness. New York: Basic Books, 1994.

Melina, Lois Ruskai and Roszia, Sharon Kaplan. The Open Adoption Experience. New York: Harper Collins, 1993.

Rosenberg, Elinor B. The Adoption Life Cycle. New York: The Free Press, 1992.

Small, Joanne W. "Discrimination Against the Adoptee." Public Welfare, Summer 1979, vol. 37 no. 3,pp. 38-43.

Sorosky, Arthur D., M.D.; Baran, Annette, M.S.W.; and Pannor, Reuben, M.S.W. The Adoption Triangle: The Effects of the Sealed Record on Adoptees, Birth Parents, and Adoptive Parents. Garden City, NY: Anchor Press/ Doubleday, 1978.

Strauss, Jean A. S. Birthright. New York: Penguin, 1994.

Zeilinger, Richard. "The Need to Know vs. the Right to Know." Public Welfare, Summer 1979, vol. 37 no. 3, pp. 44-47.

Notes
1. Some names used in this factsheet have been changed to protect privacy.

2. Brodzinsky, David M., Ph.D.; Schechter, Marshall D., M.D.; and Henig, Robin M., Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self, Anchor Books/Doubleday, New York, 1992, p. 130.

3. American Academy of Pediatrics Committee on Adoption, "Identity Development in Adopted Children," Pediatrics, vol. 47 no. 5, May 1971, p. 948.

4. Sorosky, Arthur D., M.D.; Baran, Annette, M.S.W.; and Pannor, Reuben, M.S.W., The Adoption Triangle: The Effects of the Sealed Record on Adoptees, Birth Parents, and Adoptive Parents, Anchor Press/Doubleday, Garden City, NY, 1978, p. 155.

This material has been taken from the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse Web site as reviewed and approved for addition to this site on January 15, 2004.

The National Adoption Information Clearinghouse http://naic.acf.hhs.gov, can be reached toll free at 1-888-251-0075,or by e-mail at: naic@calib.com.
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Search Check List

2009-02-23T19:15:00.000-05:00

1) Create a Search Journal
2) Discuss the search with your parents.
3) Locate your amended birth certificate
4) Retrieve a copy of your final adoption decree.
5) Retrieve your petition to addopt
6) Contact the adoption agency
7) Contact the law firm or attorney who assisted in your adoption
8) Contact your delivery physician
9) File a waiver of confidentiality with the adoption agency, law firm, andthe courts.
10) Attempt to retreive your original birth certificate.
11) Apply for medical records from the hospital where you were born.
12) Contact the judge about opening your adoption records.
13) Formally petition the court to open your adoption records.
14)Register with the International Soundex Reunion Registry-(ISRR)PO box 2312Carson City, Nv 89701-2312( Include a self addressed stamper enevelope)
15) Check both county and state records for marriage and/or devorcerecords for either of the birth parents.
16) Learn about the adoption laws for your state.
17) Check county and state death records for birth parents and birthgrandparents.
18) Write to the Adoption Regulation Unit in your state to access youradoption records.
19) Send for a copy of where to write for birth, marriage, devorce, and death records.
20) Superintendent of documents, US Government PrintingOffice, Washington, DC 2040220)
21) Order a copy of the Guide to Genealogical Records in the NationalArchives The National Archives, Washington, DC 2040821) Find maps for the area you are searching.
22) Create a profile or the hometown or region where each of yourbirthparents was said to have been from.
23) Create a list of all the libraries in your area and in thelocalities where you are focusing your search.
24) Check local newspapers from the area where you were born for birthannouncements.
25) Check local nespapers rom the area where your birthparents were bornfor their birth announcements.
26) Check local newspapers for wedding and engagement announcements foryour parents.
27) Check obituaries in local papers where you believe birth relativesmay have died.
28) Check in old city directories to try to locate your birthparents orother relatives...
29) Check city directories to match an occupation to a name.
30) Check in city directories to locate former or current employers ofyour birthparents.
31) Cross referance city directoty information year by year.
32) Check in city directories to locate old addresses of birthparents orrelatives.
33) Check phone books and national phone directory discs for birthparents.
34) List your self in the phone directory of the area where you wereborn or in the area where you relinquished your birth child.
35) Locate all churches of the faith of your birthparents in the areawhere they were living at the time of your birth - and now.
36) Check any possible surnames against a book of possible name deviations.
37) Check local churches in the area near where you were born forbaptismal records.
38) Check local churches in areas where you believe your birthparentsmay have resided for their own baptismal, marriage, or death records.
39) Join a local or national search and support organzation, and sign upin their registry if they maintain one.
40) Create your own library of search and reunion books.
41) Advertise in adoption search magazines.
42) Advetise in newspapers where you believe your birthparent mightreside.
43) Order a copy of How to Locate Anyone Who Is or Has Been in theMilitary 1 800 937 2133.
44) Contact old landlords for forwarding addresses.
45) Contact old neighbors for forwarding addresses and otherinformation.
46) Visit old neighborhoods in person to locate past acquintances ofbirthparents.
47)Check with former employers about possible forwarding addresses ofbirthparents.
48) Check old high school and college yearbooks.
49) Check with a high school or college chairman about the current address of a birthparent or request a list of entire class.
50) Contact a private investigator or consultant.