Confessions of a Chubbie Chick

Goodbye and Thank You

2012-07-30T22:38:00.001-04:00

Well the day has come, this is it. One last post for Confessions, this is the Blog that made me, got me in trouble, helped me out, and taught me a lot. I will miss this place but after months of consideration I finally know the decision I am making is right. I am incredibly sad to let this Blog go and will genuinely never forget all the doors it opened for me.

I want to thank the loyal readers, the faithful commenters, and all the page views that made me feel like I wasn't alone in times of both happiness and sadness. I found great strength in the arms of strangers and because of all of you never felt alone. I am continuing to write and urge any and all of you to visit my newest Blog in which I am writing about my new life, loves, and other silly things.

It was the journey of a lifetime and it doesn't stop here:
http://megtodayandtomorrow.blogspot.com

For one last time, I love you all.
M.

Risky Business

2012-02-07T23:58:00.000-05:00

That awkward moment where you know you're putting your feelings on the line for someone or something you are not entirely sure of. It happens everyday, we face challenges and expectations in which we have to make choices that put happiness at risk. Lately I have found myself taking my chances, and the leaps of faith may be paying off.

Chaos and I are very much on the same page. I am happy and so is she, no titles or complications just us (don't be quick to throw the friends with benefits label on us either because I assure you it is much more then that). With our lives quickly and so nicely blending together it leaves room for many other relations to fall into place.

I have yet to talk about the newest friends I have made let's call them The Roommates. Two of the most awkward kids you will ever meet they now hold I special bond with me and I cannot express enough the fun we have all been having. The Roommates came to me threw Chaos and I have never been so grateful.

To put it way to nicely a relationship that has been on the back burner for far too long is also beginning to heat up. I'm not sure if anything will come of this new found forgiveness but nonetheless I am starting to feel like I will leave The Twilight Zone on exactly the right note.

Put yourselves out there, the risk is worth it,

I Promise I'm Worthy

2012-02-04T00:31:00.000-05:00

I woud call this a love letter but I'm not that modest, this is me telling how I'm feeling deep down in the depths of my soul without holding back, for the world to see.

You have been hurt, so have I. Life is such a rocky road, a bumpy ride, the hardest thing you will ever face, and you shouldn't have to go it alone. This isn't the irrational promise most make at the beginning of a love story destined to fail, this is an assurance; I may not always be around, life happens, mistake are made, people grow apart but, while I'm here why not take on these hardships together. The hardest thing about letting yourself move into the comfortable state in which you give a piece of yourself to someone else is knowing you can get hurt. I get it, I have been there, I have been hurt and, I have hurt others. No one is perfect, certainly not me.

I know I'm asking a lot, putting your emotions on the line but what if we do it together. There is something to be said about the unknown and why not take a chance. I'm sick of planning my future, I'm young and so are you I think we can do this, I think no matter what happens we can do this. No titles, no rules, no projected outcome, just feelings, emotions, and fun. I can make you happy, I can give you something most can't.

When I look at you I see something totally different then ever before, you aren't anything I have ever called a type, when I look in your eyes I don't know what your thinking. The mystery of my attraction to you really isn't as much of a mystery as most people think. You are sincere, kind, caring, loving, and thoughtful. You are everything I hope to be, and strive to be. Your strength amazes me, and the power behind your words is so incredibly validating. I could go on for hours about the things I love about you, lets end on this note, I love everything that you are and everything you are not.

Wondering about the future no longer,
M.

The Life I Live

2012-02-03T16:26:00.000-05:00

I couldn't tell you if I am coming or going most days, it's the way I chose how to live and frankly I like it that way. Don't get me wrong I am a born planner but for some reason when it come to the big picture I like not knowing. Chaos and I are becoming incredibly close and I am getting comfortable not sure how I am feeling about that but I guess I will figure it as I go, I tend to do things the wrong way most days anyway.

I can feel peoples harsh glances on my back but honestly the realization of who I am and what I deserve is more real then ever and I am happy. There was a major motion forward in my life this morning I am not going to talk about it but the closure felt nice paired by a familiar voice that accompanied it. Honestly I don't know if I am getting older or becoming more mature either way I like it and I'm not missing the old mistakes.

I see the girls on campus and I wonder if I am better off and frankly I know I am now. I might doubt myself as we exchange glance across the dining commons but we all know that it isn't worth it, one day you will come back because she is frankly are the come princess and I will tell her that straight on. Overal life is calm, the Super Bowl is Sunday and I am going to enjoy my family this weekend but not until I rondevu with Chaos tonight.

Go Giants,
M.

My Weekend

2012-01-31T15:31:00.002-05:00

Truth or dare an age old game that we play as children and always ended in some kid crying is turning into my 22 year old life, just like in the game with every turn we get one choice truth or dare.

This weekend I chose dare, I partied to hard and ended up relearning my limits like I was a teenager this was probably the dumbest choice ever.

With Sunday I chose dare again this time it wasn't my alcohol tolerance that was challenged it seemed to be everything else though. Imagine one incredibly hungover Meg enjoying an egg in the dining commons with a few friends when, I received that gut wrenching jab in the stomach as I heard a familiar voice, the voice of a girl who still spun my world out of control. In walk Ti with friends oh and her girlfriend I'm going to refer to her as Old Lady because God only knows how old she must be. There they were, a more satisfied yet different Ti who didn't look so good and Old Lady all happy go lucky in front of me, two seconds flat and I was up and out of there instantly sober until I hit the doors that is. The waterfall of tears that was next genuinely burned everything they touched as I realized once again she broke my heart. Leaving campus was my only option and with a car full of friends we cruised into the morning blaring music and singing out the hatred. As we returned to campus I saw them again Ti was laughing, ouch. End of story. That dare was almost too much.

Monday rolled in and this time I chose dare again apparently I hadn't had my fill, in walks this new kid all broken and chaotic, we have been friends for what seems like always yet something is changing in our relationship. Let's call her Chaos. Chaos and I spent most of our day together with others as we relaxed and made the motions of a normal Monday, late in the afternoon I realized something largely concerning Chaos was making me smile, her presence lifts me up, and I was looking at her too much. I dared myself to confront these feelings for the rest of that night and by 2:30am I was vastly concerned as to what could potentially happen next. Six steps running in the other direction leads us to Tuesday.

Wake up and feeling like total shit I realize I don't have the energy to take a dare today, in fact truth seemed long over due. This leads me to a sentimental conversation with Soul Sister and Best Friend separately where I realize I have no idea what I am going to do.

Like I said some kid always ends up crying playing truth and dare,
M.

Hopelessly Screwed

2012-01-26T18:55:00.000-05:00

It's the familiar twitter, call it my pitter, the patter of my heart, the skip the gives me more then an once of hope, the beat that makes me feel alive again. Let's not call it a crush because those are so overrated but, it's something. The feeling is starting and while I can't put my figure on it totally I know for sure it's there. Would it be bad to admit I'm not at all sure what I'm doing, is it worst that these relations are anything but casual. Don't get me wrong I love the attention but with attention comes questions, with questions come memories, memories that can still sour my stomach as much as they can break my heart.

Truth is you got my heart on a silver plater with your kind words, I promised myself it would be causual but here we go I am falling for your quirks, and am infauated with your flaws. This is a dangerous spot to be in and neither of us are ready, oh did I mention there is more then one of you. Yes it's true girl, girl, guy haha in true Meg fashion I got myself into the classic spot where the flirting takes me afloat, destination cloud 9 and I spend more time giggling at the quirks of others that I forget where I am.

So about those insecurities, I want to be as cold hearted as TSwift calls me I honestly do. I wish I could just not feel for a few days, maybe I would get over these flutters. Better yet maybe I could finally feel okay about the flutters, maybe I won't be so scared of the word crush and the theory of love. So many have told me that I need to take time for me, fix all the broke but, let's be honest I learn by doing and I love the messes I make as much as I love the spirals I fall into. I must being doing something right because frankly, I can't stop smiling.

Hopelessly Screwed,
M.

Soul Sister

2012-01-24T13:45:00.001-05:00

To The Girl Who Watched it all Happen:

You are my Soul Sister, you understand me one no one else does and, you let me totally fuck my life up because you know in the end I have to hit rock bottom to listen to you. Thank you for sitting on the side line and watching me chose the wrong person to love last year, thank you for telling me I deserve better even when I didn't want to listen, most of all thank you for letting me not listen to you.

This summer was hard for me and you always seemed to answer when I called, even if I couldn't answer for you. Thank you for listening to me melt down about Firefighter guy being a total creep and not slapping me silly when I went after TSwift. Most of all thank you for TSwift's new nickname and threatening my life if I ever went back to her, I needed the ultimatum.

When I got back this semester and I made the wrong friends and trusted the wrong girl thank you for supporting me anyway. You were right and honestly I learn more by getting fucked over then if I hadn't. Thank you for supporting all of my bad habits for that matter and encouraging me to find myself rather then fall into the same pattern of instable, unhealthy relationships. Thank you so much.

On the sentimental side you have no idea how much it all means to me, knowing all I know now life is short friends like you come few and far between. Without turning this into a Hallmark card cheers to us, fucking our lives up and rebuilding them together one asshole and bitch at a time. I love you girl.

You're Soul Sister,
M.

That's Life

2012-01-20T23:50:00.001-05:00

I am finding that as I become slightly more jaded than ever before I do not and will not give people as much of the benefit of the doubt as I did before. I am honestly sick of being wrong and tired of questioning friendships that I thought were going to last a lifetime. However with all these very negative feelings I am finding the small lights that are shining through, those are the people who deserve my love and my attention more then anyone else. Many of them probably don't even know how important they are to me but together they are completely changing the tone of my senior year. It's a hard lesson learning not to care about the dirty looks, backstabbing, and of course the shit talking. I know I am not all that great at it, but I myself see an improvement and that's honestly all that matters.

I think I will leave it all at that.

Goodnight,
M.

Emotions

2012-01-12T22:17:00.001-05:00

Alright who was I kidding thinking that with a new year came a new positivity that would clear every bad mood, I was so naive someone please pull me off my positive train next time. Here I am thinking everything is great, fine, dandy, and I realized I didn't feel right; I was stressed and over emotional and the fact that I was in a bad mood pissed me off. Disastrous chain of thoughts may I add.

So what did I do? Step one texted someone who cares and could briefly accept my bitching and tell me to stop when it was time. Step two tell myself that I was acting like a baby and to get over it. Step three have a good cry. Step four write a blog. I feel better and am optimistic that I just pushed through a lot of emotion by myself and did it relatively quickly.

Sometimes I need to remember it's not about being perfect just about bettering yourself.

Wishing all of you a snowy night,
M.

My 5 Step Plan

2012-01-09T22:23:00.000-05:00

Okay let's recap, four years with a that was ended in turmoil, decided to date girls because they just want to have fun; them of them one of which is a tragic heartbreak I just couldn't get myself back on my feet. Flash forward through four years in college and here I am. Single, straighter then ever, and unable to decide if my life has completely turned around or I have stuck my head in the sand.

Talking to guys is different, I feel like after everything I have been through I would have a handle on dating however I am still walking in circles. This may have something to do with the approximate five demons I need to face within the next month; graduation, another ex girlfriend, back to school, some undeserving friends, and one really huge piece of closure that I need to start to figure out. Let's see if i can break this down since I can't seem to do it in my head.

1. Graduation: It hit me the other day real hard, one semester left less then four months to have it all figured out. To prepare myself for the next chapter and receive closure on the last four years.

2. Another ExGirlfriend: By the time I get back I know I will be able to handle anything that gets thrown my way, but still no one likes being proven right in the way I was this month and I need to get my shit back. Fairly simple.

3. Back to School: Time to set up my game, I am not a floor mat.

4. Those Undeserving Friends: It's basically time they get cut off, no one likes to be a bitch but I need to take charge of my life. Don't worry kids it's just some good clean fun.

5. Closure: There is this looming issue that like a rain cloud hangs over my head and changes my mood all the time. I intend to rid myself of this cloud in one of two very critical ways fix it or blow it up, within the month I gotta figure out if I am gonna burn that bridge again.

So that's it those are my issues, I could have it so much worst believe me I know. None of these things are terribly difficult and I figure that I will be able to have them all done but they are tedious and I am coming off the most relaxing break. I just don't want to be where I was when I left, I wont go back there not this time.

One more semester, life flies when you're living right.

Goodnight Everyone,
M.

Logistics of Life

2012-01-06T23:23:00.001-05:00

I have a new theory on life, it came to me today while I was standing in line this is important because I ask you all to put yourself in a similar situation. Life doesn't really wait for you to move in fact you are born into a busy world and will ultimately die in a similar world. No one ever really stops very long and certainly never asks if you need to pause, is it me or am I way in left field here? Sometimes I think I am like Sophocles feel free to knock me down a few notches.

So in this fast pace world everyone is doing something, even when you're doing nothing so does that mean our lives are almost premapped out for us in a series of decisions kind of like the web quizzes you take in Cosmo (yeah i just compared life to a Cosmo quiz) but the only difference is at the end there's only one ; death. Either way I am ultimately getting to the same place as everyone else but depending on my course depends on how long it takes.

I swear I am not out there I just really started harping on it this afternoon and couldn't shake the notion that I am just completing a series of objects before I die. God okay now I sound morbid. Guys am I crazy here, does anyone out there ever feel like you're just going through the motions of a planned logistics map?

"Have some fun in this world it isn't like you're going to make it out alive anyway."

Who knows,
M.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

A Whole New World

2012-01-05T01:34:00.001-05:00

Life has been so crazy. I have written for Confessions over the past few months only a few times and of those times only a few have been published. To start a lot has happened, different from previous times however I will not talk about it. I am moving forward because there is no turning back. I made mistakes, I don't apologize.

That being said let us speak of the New Year, like everyone else on the Blogsphere I brought in the New Year in a classy way that was a little bumpy for a bit but somehow made it right back to where it should have been; single. This time around it isn't a bad thing, and with impressive rumors of my whorish lifestyle I am sad to report most of all the accusations are false.

When the clock hit midnight there was no magical kiss, no I love you forevers, I did not get laid, and I unfortunately was hardly buzzed. I was standing under an amazing display of fireworks, with people who truly care for me in a way that I have not seen in a very long while, and with hundreds of strangers around me I finally saw something I had missed all my previous New Years before.

I was okay being alone, I was happy with my single glass of champagne, and when my phone rang at 12:02 and it was my mom I was more then satisfied everything was perfect. I can't tell you it was an epiphany because I think I have known it for years, I just wasn't ready to accept it. I'm not afraid of being alone, I'm not afraid of the unknown, and it's okay. Are there people reading this thinking that I am overly redundant, probably. But let me assure them if this realization has hit you, then you know exactly what I am talking about.

Leaving out the rest of the details until I can share photos with you all, I should move on to my non-New Year Resolution; I pledge to fully accept the cards I have been dealt and to welcome with open arms my new slightly flawed life plan. I hope you can all hear this pouring out of my soul with fluent sincerity because I have written this post so many different ways but tonight after yet another amazingly challenging day it finally feels real.

I ask everyone of you to give me a chance, I think there are going to be some major changes coming my way, and towards Confessions. I have changed things up before but never like what I am planning. In all honestly I had a farwell post written and saved, I was that close to giving it all up when I remembered something very important.

"Without past mistakes there is no new lessons to be made in the future."

Goodnight,
M.

Haters

2011-12-11T22:21:00.001-05:00

I'm a grumpy kid this time of year, but right now I am even grumpier then usual. Incase you were wondering there are a bunch of shit talkers focusing on my life this week and frankly I am going to nip this whole thing in the butt right now. Here is my letter to them, you can also find this on my tumblr.

Click Me Baby

Dearest Gossipers,
I am single and I know you all know what that means, it's time for you all to run your mouths. In an attempt to save you all a little time I have compiled a list of several shit talking points, I advise you to embellish them as much as you want in order to receive the most rapid spread of pure gossip. The list goes as follows:

Kayla (my ex) and I still talk, in fact we are good friends.
There is a boy in my life, yes I refer to him as Blue Eyed Sexy Time.
I was in New York all weekend drinking obscene amounts.
I text roughly 20 people a day.
In a recent study 99.98% of people called me a flirt.
I'm sexy and I know it.
On this past scandalous night I was spotted with 3 different guys in a theatre!

Good luck guys I know you thoroughly enjoy talking about my private life and that about wraps up my weekend, so in the spirit of the giving season I hope I have made your nights. Happy shit talking, and back stabbing.
Love,
The Chubbie Chick

Creation

2011-12-05T00:39:00.001-05:00

Not speaking of the biblical kind, I'm talking about the kind people work on our their lives, the kind no one ever does right, the kind that is meant to screw up. It would be and understatement if I merely said I was headed back to the drawing board, remember my path the I had all figured out? Well it was a decent path until I walked into the brick wall. I haven't wrote on account of my bitter attitude and shitty self pity I inflicted on anyone who dared asked me if I was okay.

Our bond is broken, it crashed and burned. I can't say that I am sad either, our dysfunctional relationship was a mess, yeah just a hot mess. There is a part of TSwift that will be in my heart always but for once I feel more mature then ever in saying; my happiness began to matter. Yes, I got claustrophobic and much of the stress is because of me but none the less life happened, I grew up, and I meant what I said and said what I meant. I need to be happy, my happiness mattered.

I would say things were mutual between us but the actions that took place just moments after our breakup changed my feelings forever. "Life choses your path, you chose your attitude" if this quote is true her attitude was shitty. She called her ex, talked shit about me, and broke several girl's hearts.Yeah, I am bitter. She texts me a lot now. She misses me. She loves me. She is breaking my heart.

Worst part is I'm over it. I am ready to build myself back up and find myself and my happiness. I want to give her another chance but I can't trust it, if we are meant to be she will find away until then I will be here; listening to love songs and hoping for a better tomorrow but not complaining about today. The mutual feelings we had were true,we tried our hardest and it didn't workout. Some harm, a couple fouls, two broken hearts one ready to move on, and the other will figure it out I know she will.

Family

2011-11-08T13:55:00.001-05:00

I never really go into my personal life on this Blog in regards to family, whether they are blood or by marriage I truly believe family is family no matter how screwed they are. I say screwed because as I am learning quickly in my final year of school, no one is perfect as well as no situation.

With split parents I would describe two very different family units, on the paternal side there is love just raw love. No matter who it is they will insist of our family ties, we are all so different but when a holiday rolls around no one is missing without a decent reason. My maternal side family isn't blood related, in fact it is actually by the marriage of my mother to my step father that has brought us all together. This family is filled with skeletons, uneasy feelings, and greed. It's an intense story to tell but none the less they are family.

I don't know where I was headed with this post, I think that my unexpected snow week I had a good chance to reflect on my family visits and our different dynamics along with upcoming Thanksgiving. What I am overal trying to get at is friends can be fake, husbands and wives can leave, break ups happen everyday but family is family no matter how angry you get at each other.

I should mention to conclude this post, I am not out to the majority of my family. Mainly because I haven't found a good person that is important enough to make me want to, though I was close with Ti. You all know where that got me.

Happy Snowolleen

2011-10-31T18:24:00.000-04:00

I told you I'm a sexy dark chocolate raspberry head :) this is my belated promised photo!

Greetings guys from my warm nest close to myt fireplace in good old New York, that's right New York I have escaped from my powerless school in New England for heat, food, and some cute trick or treaters. Like the rest of New England Saturday we got nailed with snow and my school had to bend over and take it up the ass by mother nature, just like we did for the June tornado, Irene, and now this La Nina blizzard. They are in rough shape there, I feel terrible for the girls who are approaching their second cold night in the dorms, but not for my God given 2 snow days! Thank you.

I haven't blogged a lot in the past weeks, mainly because there just hasn't been a lot to say. I'm still feeling this way like always my life is a roller coaster and right now I'm just enjoying this downhill slop. Mainly I wanted to update my blog for all of you, so you know I am here, doing well and because I am thinking of some big changes within the next weeks. Until then if you are missing my day to day antics, or you are a big homo like me check out my tumblr I do not disappoint!

http://chubbiechick.tumblr.com/

Mending and Bending

2011-10-23T19:46:00.000-04:00

Life isn't about cutting ties left and right. I can honestly say that at the end of the day I want to burn bridges, knock them down, and tip them over. You can't do that though, I learned so much this weekend that I am gushing to explain. I want to understand everyone always, I need to know how everyone is feeling, and it doesn't always happen like that. Life never turns out how you plan.

If I had planned this past weekend it would have gone something like this: spend Friday night working, hanging out. Saturday with my girlfriend working on our relationshit, yes I meant shit. Sunday preparing for the week. My life would have been a sequence of events happening like a domino effect, quick and fast like any good weekend should.

This is how my weekend actually went: Thursday night good old TSwift had another girlfriend fail of the week, packing up and deciding to leave and breaking another promise to me. I made a drastically vast decision to yell at her down the dorm hallway in front of several people and march out soapbox in hand. I was thinking that she wasn't going to be allowed to hurt me again, and before anyone jumps to a conclusion about that statement understand I was trying to protect myself, after a shitty birthday I didn't want to cry. I regret yelling yes but I know that protecting myself was a necessary and I saved myself a weekend heartache.

After I left on my soap box I tried to be okay, clearly I wasn't instead I was bawling my eyes out wondering if she would just leave me alone finally. Panic set in, I realized I shouldn't have burnt the bridge I did and I made the call. An hour and fifteen minutes later I was crying and hugging TSwift ready to put my soap box away. Friday was a blur, so was Saturday and Sunday days were filled with talks, and thinking. Time spent mostly together working things out little by little.

In my own words: I didn't plan for the weekend to happen like this. I did not ask TSwift to come back with me, I didn't even expect her to want to. There are many people who look at us and wonder why are we together, honestly I don't know. We are completely different, we fight constantly, she challenges my patience, and I challenge her sanity but we love each other more then anything either of us have ever known, and we know it isn't over. I hope everyone starts to see it this way too.

Closure

2011-10-20T17:40:00.002-04:00

I am the greatest liar to myself. I keep saying "everything is fine" but everything is not fine, I finally have realized that being single is really a trigger of mine that and the opening of old wounds, I am far from fine.

Ti's back for about a week, returning my camera hopefully and with the mini conversations we've had, I'm hurting worst then when I was surrounded by the unknown. I really thought this would be my closure it's turning into the opposite.

Before I move further into this blog. I must caution that this post is going to cause some lash back in my own life. I am doing something I swore I would never do, I am using the Internet to express my otherwise unsaid thoughts, it may turn into a weapon. But I need to end my silent suffering. I need to tell the truth.

I'm not at all over Ti, I love her frankly, I never stopped. She is with someone new she is happy. I remember when we were happy. I read something she wrote about me last night, about how much she cared for me. It hurts it hurts more then ever. I shouldn't have texted back, I shouldn't have done that to myself.

Kay doesn't even know how I'm feeling. I'm so scared and a total hypocrite. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to feel this way. Twenty steps forward and thirty steps back, it's May again and I just want to tell her. Instead I cower behind this Blog. I'm so sorry for this depressive slur, I just needed to get it out. No going back.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

A Perfect Dose of Life

2011-10-19T21:41:00.000-04:00

Recap of my life begins now.

My birthday weekend quickly approached last week, I blessed the world with my presence on the 16th of October a sweet 22 years ago. That was Sunday for you detail oriented people, Thursday I had "the talk" with TSwift a dose of get your shit together and a pinch of I do love you were the ingredients to the medication our relationship needed. After a nice dose of making up we went to sleep, I was happy. Key word there is happy.

Friday - I go home promising to return to school in time for TSwift to spend my birthday with me, bit still allowing me the time I needed to hang out with my friends and family. I did have a good night, went out to dinner and enjoyed some cocktails, by the end of the night I was parked on my couch catching up on prime time TV.

Saturday - What a morning with my mom, God sometimes the woman is just ridiculous (now I know where I get it)! By late afternoon I was no longer blond, my transformation into a new 22 came with dark chocolate raspberry hair and a trendy cut. That's right, I dyed my hair and I promise to share a photo when I look appropriate enough to take a picture. That night seemed like it was going to be a effing blast, I planned on having a family dinner at a perfect restaurant and then drinks at my favorite bar followed by a good time with cool kids! By the time I got to the bar I had stopped hearing from TSwift, I was grumpy about it but in the back of my mind I honestly thought she was doing it on purpose so that at midnight she could text me and catch me off guard. I was so wrong. You know the people who sit at the bar pathetically looking at their phones toning into parts of conversations but never fully conscience. That was me. 12:00 am texts galor holy eff everyone flooding my phone, not TSwift. 12:15 nothing. 12:30 a text from her roommate "Happy Birthday, TSwift is too drunk to text you But she wanted me too." Serious, more so then a heart attack. I did not hear from her that night, and after getting myself piss drunk and drowning my sorrows in booze I woke up the next day with 2 messages from her, neither apologizing.

Sunday - I will leave out the gory details but if words could kill she'd be dead. I chose not to return Sunday night to my school, instead I decided to spend it with people who mattered.

Monday - I returned. I officially called off our relationshit.

Total reflection I am really upset about everything that happened this weekend. I still don't know if everything I have done is right or wrong. Overall I am happy with my choices, no one likes being single but TSwift needs to see what it is like, I am giving her a perfect dose of life without me lets see if she can handle it. Until then, it's time to repair me, self destruction is no longer an option. Big girl panties are on and no one is tearing me down. It suck, but sometimes it needs too.

Sneakers

2011-10-07T23:14:00.000-04:00

The physical ones live in my shoe drawer at school, they come out periodically take me for a run or a brisk walk whatever I need to clear my head. I love those sneakers, no one has a pair like them they are unique like me and the perfect fit like a neck and a head. Speaking of my head, lets talk about my other sneakers I own, the ones I keep in a closet somewhere within my mind between fight or flight, and love or war. They are worn, so worn from running all over creation keeping me mentally sane, always ready to protect me from my inner most happenings.

These sneakers were purchased in fifth grade, slick white leather and good arches with a deep soul just what I needed at the time. See my parents were getting divorced, dad left and my mom was out of it or off her rocker most of the time. I learned to run then, in my room music on, I dashed to a place of sweet serendipity, a place no one would hurt me. Those days were almost hard, since then I have had harder but at least I learned young right.

This past week I accidentally purposefully grabbed those sneakers on my way out of my relationship. I threw open the closet where they are paired and began to lace them up. TSwift sat there and watched me in concern, she knows me well enough to know what I was doing. By the time I had them laced I was calmed, just the feeling of them on my feet made me feel better. I left them on but chose to stay, second chances right?

The next day I began feeling the anxiety build again, but with my sneakers already on I just didn't have a choice. One hand on the door knob, we fought. The room got fuzzy, I know A was there and I still didn't feel relief as things became heated my feet began to tingle I knew it then it was time, and with TSwift ready to break I heard the echos of myself saying "it's over, we're done" I remember the chill as I turned my back, and the look on A's face when our eyes' met.

Instantly my tattered and torn sneakers were put right back in the closet right where they belong. That's when the panic set in, that's when A asked me what I was doing. It was a total of maybe 2 minutes after removing my sneakers that I realized what I had done, followed by 30 seconds of convincing TSwift to come back and another 5 for her to come back to my room and me to just grab her face and beg for forgiveness. As the night came to a lull things calmed fairly quickly, and then coincidentally I put my real sneakers on and danced my fears away with the comfort of my best friend and the knowledge that TSwift just hurdled my first fault and we survived.

Letting It Roll

2011-10-03T23:47:00.000-04:00

Something I have learned in my four mischievous years of college is that sometimes you just gotta roll with the grind, just let it roll. That being said I never said that I was good at it, i'm really not. In fact I pretty much suck at letting things roll off my back. Lately I feel like I have done a really good job though, and like most insecure women I am announcing it inorder to feel the satisfaction I feel like I deserve.

Things have been really good with TSwift and I, leaving out the details we have been working through our problems one at a time and it feels good. Yes for all of you innocent readers I just made a sex analogy. Really though I am feeling confident in everything that is happening in my life and my path seems to be set, like always I am waiting for a bump but until then, well I am just enjoying the ride.

In other life happenings a couple of guys from my past have been lurking in the depths of my text message archives. I enjoy talking to them mainly because they are so clueless, and second because two of them are determined to set me straight literally. One of them, The Boy Next Door is a sweet heart to me at least though I feel bad for his girlfriend because the things he says to me are slightly risque. The other one Blue Eyed Sexy Time or BEST is as always ridiculously asking for a three some and other preverse things he thinks he can pull over because I have a girlfriend.

Newsflash boys just because I have a girl at my disposal does not mean I am about to give her to you too, work for that shit.

Oh and the Dolphins lost again it's really starting to hurt my ego. A is moving this week as well, sad to see her go but more confident in our friendship then ever that she won't be gone for long. Gosh is this Post dragging or what; sorry I have nothing to write about, like I said just letting things roll. To finish up let me show you all some pictures of my newest adventure, I went to NYC!

I took this picture and let me say they were the cutest couple ever.

Time Outs With "A" Friend

2011-09-24T14:46:00.001-04:00

VIDEOBLOG :)

2011-09-21T15:35:00.001-04:00

Over It

2011-09-20T22:06:00.000-04:00

Lately I have been in this weird mood, the kind that when I hear the right song it changes my whole direction. TSwift and I have been good, I feel like we are finally finding the delicate balance of being together without being together all the time. I have grown my own two legs once again and walk with my own to feet, though I miss my recently loss friends I am relying on my "everything happens for a reason" motto and hoping that I will be better off one day. Like my unemotional mother said "well just one more person that you won't have to say goodbye too.." she might actually be right cut my loses early and just focus on the big decisions.

Drumroll this kid got accepted into grad school, first choice just saying. I have yet to make any big decisions in fact I get sick thinking about it. I'm really scared to leave my small pond, admittedly I am a big fish and I'm starting to feel like it is more of a blessing then I ever thought before. Truth is I really do love my big hearted, and large mouth personality. For those of you who don't know me I am the girl who is louder then most, comes off a bit too much to handle, but makes you feel at home within a large group of strangers. You love me or hate me in our first conversation, some call it a personality however I know it is my biggest defense mechanism, it keeps the fakes away, or well some of them.

I wish there was day that I could look in the mirror and say to myself you are safe and secure, everything is perfect. I can't on any day but what I can say is I am everything that I want to be, I am everything I need to be, and I am doing the best I can.

End of story.

Beyond My Wildest Dreams

2011-09-19T21:29:00.000-04:00

Quick sum up of life this past week; it sucked. My school work began piling up, my ex is a bitch of epic proportion and I lost a few great friends to an arch enemy. All of this being said and more, I ran away this weekend to my home, to my family, to my hidden life in which no one knows my silent suffering from my triumphs. It was a good weekend with a few low lows but I managed to pull myself out and just live, coexist, make that smile appear; because that's what I have always been taught.

Come today I was exhausted, I had a severe case of the Monday bitchy blues and honestly I was miserable to even be around. After class I dragged myself to lunch and saw A, instantly a little more excited we decided to take an adventure; pictures, Starbucks, and a lot of music I was feeling good. We managed to get some food and head back for my night class. To cut a long drawn out story short half way through my class I recieved an email, Confessions had been the chosen editors pick on The Lesbian Lifestyle instant glee, literally. I jumped for joy and a few friends peered over my shoulder to my iPad and noticed what I was looking at they got excited too.

Needless to say I am so excited, completely thrilled, totally emotional, and I did what I do best cried; literally in the middle of my classroom (thank god we were on break). There is truly a lot I would love to say about this feature and what it really means to me instead, I want to thank everyone in my life. The ones who've broken my heart, bullied me, been my friend, supported me, and most importantly the people who have made me who I am today. No seriously, I am thanking all the people who have fucked me over I know what a joke, but it is the truth and frankly I wouldn't be me if it wasn't for them.

All of this has really put life in perspective again, really I was such a grump today and a total bitch. Then all of a sudden again everything changed and I needless to say felt like a total ass for feeling like that. Life is a funny thing and I feel like all the bad luck I have literally found for the past two weeks just got pushed away and all my good karma has checked in FINALLY. To keep this long story just long and not chapters I am going to stop for tonight and celebrate some more, to anyone new who did pop over from TLL thank you for checking me out, come back anytime.

Really everyone thank you so much.