what's a girl to do?

The end of the road

noreply@blogger.com (sleepy J) — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 04:09:00 +0000

Over the last several weeks, I've come to the decision to stop posting on this blog. Sadly, this will be the last post. I want to thank all of you who read and commented, and I hope you enjoyed some of my insights and stories.

My decision was based on some recent events and personal revelations. For one, the breakup with the sculptor left me disappointed and tired of the dating game. Which then led me to give up on online dating for the indefinite future. If I'm not online dating, then there's really no point to this blog because, I think we can all agree, it's much easier to make fun of strangers than people we know in real life... because if I'm not online dating, then the guys that I meet will likely have some sort of connection to my friends (who are also my readers), so it's not like I'm going to make fun of those guys or even be honest about them.

Second, while I enjoy writing, I feel that focusing so much of my time and energy thinking about what to blog makes me too focused on the "goal" of dating/relationships. Self-reflection and self-awareness are both good things, but there comes a point of diminishing returns. I feel like I have reached that point.

I came across a wise (Buddhist?) saying the other day: You have a choice. You can choose to live life based on what you lack, or you can live your life based on what you have.

For me, thinking so much about my singleness and about relationships makes me focus on what I'm lacking, all the while missing out on all that I have in my life: a good job, great friends, supportive family, a nice apartment, good food all around. I don't want to be that negative, glass half-empty person.

So, I hope you'll understand and support my decision. It was a truly wonderful and strange experience documenting my love life for the past year. I wish everyone lots of love and happiness!

Namaste,
sleepyJ

Back in Berkeley

noreply@blogger.com (sleepy J) — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 04:50:00 +0000

I'm back from my trip to Taiwan. Did y'all miss me? I came back Monday morning, but have been so busy getting back to my routine that I haven't had the time to blog. I still don't have the time to blog, but I thought I'd at least write a quick one to let you know that I'm still alive.

Anyway! My trip was great. Taipei was STEAMY. It was high 80's/low 90's everyday with unbearable humidity. So I tried my best to stay indoors with the AC. Except for the one time I went running... at 5:30AM. According to my dad, I was too late because 4:30 is a much cooler hour. And you know what? He was right. Before I left, I was running about an hour 2-3 times a week. In Taipei, I lasted all of 30 minutes and at half the speed. OK, maybe not that slowly, but it sure felt like it.

Most of my time was spent with my family and I really enjoyed it. We didn't have any major blowouts or tantrums, at least amongst the adults. We ate several meals together, went on day trips to Hsin Chu (mostly to ride the new High Speed Rail) and Da Shi, and played mahjong, our post-dim sum family tradition. The only sad thing was that we never managed to get a complete family photo of everyone, as one of my little nephews got sick and had to stay home for the last few days of our trip. I couldn't believe it's been 10 years since we all were together. Hopefully, as the little ones get older, we'll be able to gather more frequently.

I also did a lot of shopping and a lot of eating. As I had hoped, lychees were in season and there was actually an overproduction this year. I ate about 10-15 everyday. The mangos were also SO good. I've never had a mango as sweet or juicy in the States as the one I had in Taiwan.

The two comments I got the most from family were: 1) why are you so dark? and 2) when are you getting married?

Regarding question 1: As you may or may not know, Asians are obsessed with white skin. I think it has to do with the assumption that if you're tan, you must be a laborer, whereas if you are whiter, than you are rich. I'm already usually semi-tan, and my trip to Mexico made me pretty darn brown. Anyway, I don't really care anymore when people make these comments.

As for question #2, I got it from everyone, even my brother in law and my dad for the first time ever. My brother in law said something not in a pressuring way, but in the context of, "well, when you get married, we'll get to have another family reunion." My dad, on the other hand, was asking me if I was going to stay in California forever, and added, "When are you getting married anyway?" I calmly and (easily) convinced him that I'm looking for a good egg and I just haven't found him yet.

There's a lot of talk about nature versus nurture, and I found it interesting to dissect various character traits between my sisters and I. I have three older sisters who are 10, 8, and 5.5 years older than me. Despite this age gap, I feel like we are pretty close. But at the same time, we have very different personalities that more or less fit the birth order paradigm. For instance, my oldest sister is the natural leader -- she's great at organizing and establishing peace, and she's very maternal. Anyway, my point is that despite all of our differences, I see that we have similar strengths and weaknesses. Our strengths include humor, humility, intelligence, empathy, and mindfulness, whereas our weaknesses concentrate on our shared inability to express our feelings. One reason for this is definitely our parents, who are probably among the worst role models for marriage communication a kid could ask for. Sure, they've been married for 43 years, but that doesn't mean it's been a happy marriage. Their method of communication is to yell at each other and say insulting things. (ok, this isn't all of the time but it's fairly common). So, as a result, I think my sisters and I tend to go the other direction and bottle things up because we don't like acrimony and we don't want to stir the pot. During this trip, we realized that we all share this bad habit. I found a lot of strength and hope in the fact that this isn't just me or just my problem -- it's something that's been caused by my upbringing, and it doesn't have to define who I am today.

To end this post, I wanted to link two articles that I found particularly interesting. The first is a post about a breakup with crappy guy, to which I could totally relate. The second is about finding the ideal husband, or rather, how NOT to marry the wrong guy. Enjoy!

A change of scenery

noreply@blogger.com (sleepy J) — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 06:05:00 +0000

I'm leaving tomorrow to go to Taipei for almost 2 weeks. The timing couldn't be better -- it will be great to spend some relaxing times with my family. My immediate family -- my parents, 3 older sisters, and their kids -- haven't all been in one place in 10 and a half years. My three youngest nephews have never met!

I also look forward to eating lots of good food. Even though it will be super HOT, the great thing about going to Taipei in the summer is that the best fruit is in season. I'm hoping to eat lots of yummy lychees.

Those who've known me for a long time also know that the other most important activity for any Taipei trip is shopping! One of the benefits of being single is that my parents, thinking of me as a "child" (any unmarried woman would be) still give me spending money. Ch-ching!

Unless something super bloggable comes up or I get really bored, I won't be blogging for the next couple of weeks. But I will be checking my email so if you want to guest blog, please send it my way! Seriously -- any funny dating stories and observations are welcome.

Ciao!

The curse

noreply@blogger.com (sleepy J) — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 19:36:00 +0000

Every time I've bought condoms in the past year, the relationship (for which I've bought the condoms) dissolves. I call this the Curse of the Condoms. First it was mr. flaky, who disappeared out of my life before he even got over to my apartment. Then, I had to buy different (larger) condoms for the Swede, only to stash them away after our abrupt demise for fear of stirring another man's insecurities. Again, same thing with Capt Kirk -- shortly after purchasing a new box of condoms, we broke up. And now, it's happened with the sculptor. At least this time, I got a pack of 36 so the Curse will only rear its ugly head next time after plenty of sex.

I broke up with the sculptor yesterday/today. "What happened?" you might ask. Wasn't everything going so well? Well, not exactly. The first month was fabulous, but something changed after that. For the last couple of weeks, I could feel the emotional and physical distance between us growing. Sure, there were a lot of valid reasons why I wasn't and couldn't be at the top of his priority list, but a girl can only be neglected so much. Plus, I wasn't even asking for much -- just 2-3 nights a week. Or at the very least, phone calls to demonstrate that he's thinking of me, even if he couldn't be with me.

When I confronted him about this, he kept giving me the run around. "You're amazing, but I wasn't ready for this type of relationship. I thought I'd sign up for Chemistry.com and just date casually for a while. I wasn't expecting to meet someone as great as you."

Or, "You're so wonderful, and I'm not in the condition to give you the relationship you deserve."

By now, maybe your bullshit alarms are going off, because mine certainly did.

We had an intense discussion Friday night, after which I felt shell-shocked but convinced that he was still fully invested in me and our relationship. Then, last night at a bar in the Mission, film chick and S were leaving to catch the last BART. So, I asked the sculptor if he was coming with me to Berkeley. When he hemmed and hawed about not coming with me, I knew that it was the beginning of the end. And it was all happening in a dyke bar playing Justin Timberlake way too loudly. Completely surreal. The fact that he chose not to come home with me was a huge blow, because he hadn't been to Berkeley in over 2 weeks, and also because I am leaving the country on Wednesday for two weeks. Oh, and then he told me that he doesn't like Berkeley that much and that he'd always rather stay in the city.

Before I left the bar, I asked him if this was a break-up or a take-two-steps-back thing. He chickened out and said the latter, but I knew better. Taking two steps back from what we had would be almost nothing, and that to me wasn't the relationship I wanted to be in. So, I got home and sent him the following text: "Home safe. I'm doing us both a favor and setting you free."

No reply.

I woke up early this morning, unable to get back to sleep with the break up on my mind and with an annoying infection (that's all I'll say about that here). I knew it was lame to break up via text, so I texted him again to ask him to call me when he got up. He finally called me about an hour ago. It was good closure, because we got some things out on the table and cleared up some issues. In the end, all of the excuses were just that. The real reason he wanted to break up was that he felt like he should've been falling in love with me and he wasn't and so he doesn't think we should continue seeing each other.

To which I replied, "Don't you think it's hard for you to fall in love with me if we're not spending any time alone?" (I must note here that for the past month, almost every date I've had with the sculptor, his best friend M was there too. So essentially, I was dating both of them but only sleeping with one.) I also noted how great the first month was and hinted that we were on track to this "falling in love" status until he started pulling away this past month.

He didn't disagree with anything I was saying, but at the same time, he didn't want to change the situation at all. I think film chick said it best when she told me, "He just doesn't have his priorities straight."

Yes, I'm sad about this, but in my gut, I knew it was coming for a little while now. It's better now that it's over, so I don't have to wonder why he isn't calling or more into me. I am, however, really annoyed that he forced my hand in the break up scenario. The way he made me break up with him was very chicken shit, and I have a feeling that if we had continued, this sort of passive communication pattern would also keep popping up.

I am also slightly disturbed and disgruntled about the parallels between my break up with the Swede and with the sculptor. Both claimed after a month and a half that they just didn't see themselves with me in the long run, or that they should be feeling more (i.e. "in love") than they are. Is it them, or is it me?

Yeah, What She Said

noreply@blogger.com (sleepy J) — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 03:24:00 +0000

OK, the title is not a reference to a "your mama" joke. It's in response to a brilliant post by Megan Carpentier on Jezebel that was such a DEAD-ON description of my relationship with mr. roboto, I couldn't believe my eyes. If you're too lazy to click on the link, I'll paste the relevant bits here:

Sure, everyone gets involved with an emotionally unavailable guy once. They can be so charming! You know there's more to him! He'll realize that you're special! And so you putter around him, a perpetual motion machine of awesomeness in which you minimize your flaws and maximize your coolness factor, acting loving but aloof enough not to scare him at the same time, after which he inevitably fucks someone else or you get hurt by his actual aloofness or worn down by pretending to be some perfect version of yourself to convince him get emotionally invested. Then you learn not to do it again and go find someone that thinks it's funny or even endearing that you talk too loudly when you drink or sing really bad karaoke or have a weird bellybutton and hopefully you open up and let him get to know that person you are when you're not trying so hard to be liked.

On the other hand, some of us keep doing it. Your life becomes an endless string of dudes that don't allow you to get too close or bail before you can get too invested or force your hand into bailing because you're just not going to take that shit from some guy. And you get to feel the butterflies, and you get to know you can still feel by being in just enough pain when it ends that you notice and maybe it will wring some tears out of you, but, really, when he's not letting you get that close, you're actually not that close. Since you can't get close to him, since you're spending your time trying to be so cool or not being upset about the aloofness and the lack of emotional intimacy, you're not letting him in anymore than he's letting you in.

To this day, the relationship dynamic I had with mr. roboto confounds me. Whenever I question aloud why I was with him for so long, a (good, sweet) friend tries to convince me it's because I had to give the relationship an honest chance and ride it out to the bitter end. But did I really have to? I was with the guy off and on for a year and a half, and yet, I don't think I ever loved him. And I'm the type of girl who falls in love fast and furiously, within a few months at the most (if it's going to happen at all). I held back because I knew he did not love me the way I wanted him to love me. Whether he was incapable of such emotion or was never going to feel that strongly about me remains an open question. I half-heartedly and dishonestly told him I loved him once. Not out of that "I can't hold it in any longer because I will burst from this emotion" type of feeling. No, it was because I was desperately trying to salvage any kind of emotional intimacy we might have had. He weakly replied, "me too." Nice.

The other part of the mr. roboto relationship that confuses me is how much a lack of feeling can actually leave a permanent scar on one's emotional psyche. I began to doubt that I would ever find emotional intimacy again. One thing about dating a man that's emotionally unavailable is that he never makes you feel worthy enough. As a result, like Megan's post described, you either close yourself off or compete harder for his attention. This is bad for all women, but I think especially for Asian American women who often have this type of relationship with their parents. (cf. Joy Luck Club.)

Anyway, my point is that I never felt like a priority to mr. roboto. Never ever good enough. Did I turn the tables and ask myself, "Is he good enough for me?" No, because that would have been the smart thing to do. Since our breakup, I have been especially susceptible to this feeling of not feeling like a priority to the guy I'm dating, sometimes blowing things out of proportion. And then I put up a self-defensive wall, and I want to bail before I get more invested emotionally.

Most of the time, I think having a lot of relationship experience is a good thing. Sometimes, though, I wonder whether it's more detrimental than helpful.

The best CEFAD so far...

noreply@blogger.com (sleepy J) — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 04:13:00 +0000

I've linked "Crap Email from a Dude" from Jezebel a few times, but this one was by far the worst. Such douchebaggery could not possibly exist, and yet, here is the proof that it does. Enjoy!

Happy 1st "Birthday" blog!

noreply@blogger.com (sleepy J) — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 05:40:00 +0000

A year ago today, I started this blog out of sheer boredom and frustration. It's turned out to be a pretty fun ride, and I'm glad I was able to share some of the highs and lows of my dating life with you. To be honest, I'm not sure how much longer I'll be here to blog about relationships and dating... I'm starting to reach saturation, and it certainly doesn't help that no one's taken me up on my guest blogging offer.

Anyway, enough about that. I'm here to celebrate the first "birthday" of this blog. On that note, I thought I'd take this opportunity to round up some of the blog statistics from this year:

Posts written: 128
Total comments: 197
Most frequent (public) commentors: Emily, Jane, chachi, Kira
Most commented posts: The Hot List (6), Single again (5), Things a man should never wear (5), Dating Analogies (5), "ONHD" TMI double feature (5)
First dates: 11
Age range of those first dates: 25-42
Awkward mr. roboto incidents: 5
Most used labels: online dating (16), followed by the "ONHD" series (12)
Weirdest label: near-death experiences

Anyone else want to reminisce? I wanted to go through all of the comments and list my favorites, but alas, it's getting late and I have to pack for my weekend camping trip with the sculptor. Cheers!

"Oh No He Didn't!" One Liner Edition

noreply@blogger.com (sleepy J) — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 03:34:00 +0000

It is with a heavy heart that I pronounce this the last edition of the ever popular "Oh No He Didn't!" posts. I've unfortunately run out of material, and I'm not about to start trolling Match.com for sad dating profiles. Anyway, I wish I could go out with a bang, but alas, what I have are a few one-liners that I thought were funny based on misspellings or randomness. Most are self-explanatory, except for the last one, which I'll attempt to clarify after the quote.

First! J, 31, Berkeley writes:

I hope you will not take advantage of my good nature but instead will appreciate it as something that is always there when needed but not usually needed.

Do I need your good nature or not, J?! Why offer it but then take it back?

Next up: A, 32, of Sacramento:

Are you my sole mate??????

No!!!!!!!!! (unless you have some fabulous shoes for me...)

M, 36, of Vallejo writes:

I enjoy good conservation and joking around.

Doesn't everyone enjoy good conservation? I know I do.

And finally, G, 30, Tracy:

Light skin used to be in, but brown skin is the hot $#!t now!

This is the weird one. First, G appears to be Latino, Southeast Asian, or mixed race... but not very "brown" at all. He says he's willing to date all ethnicities. The tone of his profile was that he was a sweet guy that cared a lot about friends and family. So this particular line really stood out. Is this a reference that I don't get? Please, help decipher!

I will leave you with this link to a somewhat sexist but very funny blog that a friend sent to me yesterday. Enjoy!

the flipside

noreply@blogger.com (sleepy J) — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 06:37:00 +0000

OK, so you might have noticed that I was a bit cranky yesterday when I wrote that post about the short/long distance thing. I woke up feeling much better today with a more balanced perspective. Yes, there are some bad things about having a cross-Bay relationship, but there are also some positive aspects. For instance, I can do what I want to do without having to confer with the sculptor all of the time, or feel guilty about scheduling my own social activities. This is good, so that I don't lose myself in the relationship. (Yes, I've been guilty of that in the past, in case you were wondering...) On that same note, the distance slows down the relationship momentum, which is frustrating initially but is probably a good idea in the long run.

I'm also comforted by the fact that the sculptor has been really good at communicating to me that he does want to see me during the week, but that it's not always easy to... so I shouldn't take it personally. It's reassuring because it quiets that freak-out response, the cynical one that is always trying to convince me that this isn't going to work out.

Anyway, I don't think this is making much sense, so I'm going to bed. Good night!

short long distance

noreply@blogger.com (sleepy J) — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 06:07:00 +0000

Growing up outside of DC, I wasn't fazed by the idea of commuting 30 minutes for daily trips. After college, I had an hour and a half commute on the Beltway everyday. So, when I moved to Berkeley, I lumped together the entire Bay Area into a 15-20 mile radius and thought everything was SO close together. I was wrong. Going to see DocJ in Palo Alto is a long 45 minute drive each way. And forget about the South Bay -- San Jose might as well be in another state.

That's why when it comes to dating, living in Berkeley can be a bit of a liability. Sure, there are lots of single guys here and also in Oakland, but: (1) I've haven't had much success with Oakland boys (mr. flaky, the Swede, O.G.); (2) To this day, I still haven't met anyone in Berkeley (besides a certain ex who is also my coworker); (3) so many cute guys in San Francisco!

Anyway, I bring this up because having a cross-Bay relationship is really kinda difficult. Sure, it's only 8 miles or something, but the logistics of it can be a imposing barrier. For instance, even though BART is very convenient, they don't allow bikes on during rush hour. This means that whenever the sculptor stays over, he has to wait for the 8:44am train, which makes him 20-30 minutes late to work. Not cool. The other problem is that the sculptor's having some housing issues which makes it impossible for me to stay in the city. So... the status right now is that it's difficult for us to see each other during the week. Which sucks.

We'll hopefully find some resolution to these issues soon, but for now, I'm annoyed and frustrated. It seems ridiculous that logistics and a big body of water can be such a hindrance, but it is a pain, and has been in the past also. (In addition to mini-O's immaturity, the geographical distance between us also added to the abbreviated nature of our dating tenure.)

I guess some of you might be able to relate even if you don't live here. I would liken it to a Brooklyn/Manhattan romance. Or perhaps a Rockville, MD/ Northern Virginia fling. Any way you put it, it sucks.

"Oh No He Didn't!" Drama King Edition

noreply@blogger.com (sleepy J) — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 04:16:00 +0000

J, 35, of San Rafael seems very dramatic. I really wished I kept the accompanying photos, but alas, they're adrift in cyberspace. A couple of his pictures linger in my memory -- like the one of him looking lonely/sad, leaning on his motorcycle on the side of the road. Or the scandalous photo of his nude backside sitting on the edge of an outdoor bath, looking out onto the setting sun. Is it any surprise that this guy has long hair? And that he probably keeps it in much better condition than I keep mine? OK, maybe that's not saying much but you know what I mean.

"All we have is this moment and then it's history"
I'm the type of guy that can find beauty in a broken window or an abandoned warehouse. Love to grab my camera, get on my motorcycle ride out and explore new frontiers or ride out to napa to savor a fine wine. I live in the moment in and for the moment. Life is about experience and expression of that experience.
I'm an accomplished vocalist and musician and I get my kicks writing and playing live with my band. I love to tease and I can be a real smart ass at times so you have been forwarned.

The lady who understands the beauty and complexity of the raindrops on her windwow sill.
The woman who gives a dollar to man in the street when no one is around to witness her act. The lady that commands the attention of the room without demanding it. she may apply within. If you don't fit this criteria please don't waste my time.

Compromising versus Settling

noreply@blogger.com (sleepy J) — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 04:45:00 +0000

OK, I know I'm way late on this, but did y'all read the piece in March edition of The Atlantic by Lori Gottlieb? It was called "Marry Him! The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough." (Thanks to chachi for sending me the link way back.) Ms. Gottlieb's thesis was that she was too picky and passed up too many nice guys in her 20's and 30's because she didn't want to settle. Now in her 40's and a single mom, she wished she could've just settled for a guy who wasn't perfect for her romantically, but at least would have made a good husband and father.

The other piece that caught my eye was this Slate article called, "The Eligible Bachelor Paradox: How economics and game theory explain the shortage of available, appealing men." (Thanks to the American in Paris for sending me that one.) Mark Gimein explains how Game Theory and supply and demand result in too many eligible women and not enough eligible men. He hypothesizes that super-eligible women (those who have the most to offer, let's call these women Group A) hold out too long for the best companions, while the women with less to offer (Group B) know that they should grab the first reasonable offer to come along. For instance Group A women might pass on that smart, successful guy who happens to be 5'4", but Group B women know that their choices are limited and are willing to take the short guy who is otherwise a great catch. Therefore, the Group B women start "depleting" the eligible bachelor pool until only a few quality bachelors remain but an excess of Group A bachelorettes.

Both of these articles portray women as the sole decision makers in relationships, which I take issue with but which won't be the point of this post. I think they raise interesting issues about settling for less than perfect. We're constantly given opposing messages: You're great just the way you are! But you could always improve yourself; no one's perfect! You deserve the best! But be realistic -- don't over-inflate your expectations! Etc., etc.

Personally, I've always struggled with that thin line between settling and being realistic in relationships. In retrospect, I realize that every time that I've had doubts, it's almost always because the relationship wasn't working. But anyway, back to the articles at hand. Ms. Gottlieb isn't so much arguing for settling as she is saying that one must have the long view. If you're goal is to have a family, then it's important to find a guy who'll make a great partner and a dad, not necessarily the guy who's going to be the best travel partner or even the best lover. She certainly does have a point in that we as a society (or perhaps as a gender) tend to value romantic love more than platonic love -- the kind of platonic love that will last and carry you through life. Ms. Gottlieb's article got a lot of press because she used the kind of buzzwords that get people agitated. Words like "settling," because no one wants to settle, as settling is equivalent to selling out. But in reality, what she wrote isn't all that inflammatory or revolutionary -- she simply wants to find a man with whom to raise a kid and to share companionship. Since no one's perfect, and if she's serious about finding a partner, she'll have to "settle."

But, really, what is settling? And what is the difference between settling and compromise? Both connotate an acceptance of less than ideal circumstances. For me, compromise has less of a sting, mostly because it's also used when one needs to resolve a conflict. Also, compromise is often on a sliding scale, whereas settling is used in reference to a black or white situation. Finally, compromise implies trade-offs in a value system (somethings I'm willing to compromise, others not), while settling signifies wholehearted defeat.

To avoid settling altogether, I think the key is having a clear idea in your mind of what are the must-haves versus the would-be-nice-if qualities you are looking for in a partner. Then, write down this list and either read it aloud to yourself or share it with a friend to see if your list is realistic or not. Some say this type of listing helps you to visualize your future partner so that when you meet someone who possesses all of those qualities, you are more open to that person. Whether or not that is true, I think making such a list before you meet a guy is good because you are imagining a hypothetical man with whom you feel no emotional or physical attachments yet. Nothing to cloud the mind (i.e. sex haze).

Despite all of my grumblings about online dating, I do think that writing profiles has helped me think seriously about my own list. And not to jinx my relationship with the sculptor, but writing that no-holds-barred profile a couple of months ago (in addition to the more serious one I actually posted on Chemistry.com) helped me realize what were the most important qualities to me. Even some of the points made in jest convey the nuances of who I was looking for. I probably wasn't conscious of it on the first few dates, but I realized upon re-reading that post that the sculptor fits the description pretty well, as far as I can tell. Of course, there's no way of knowing if he will continue to be that guy, but it's good to know that who he is (so far) is in line with the man I envisioned myself with before we met. And that, my dears, is not settling.

"Oh No He Didn't!" Picky Much? Edition

noreply@blogger.com (sleepy J) — Fri, 30 May 2008 04:20:00 +0000

S, 34, definitely knows what he wants, how he wants it, and on his terms. I wonder why things didn't work out with his wife of 13 years? Hmmm....

I noticed that the pickiest guys often don't post photos. It's ironic that he places so much emphasis on physical beauty without showing his own likeness. Anyway, without further ado, here's S's profile. Notice that I said he was 34. (Bold font = my emphasis.)

"Lets get out of here and have some fun"
am looking for a well dressed woman who is not afraid to show some skin in a lovely dress or Bikini. Someone who loves to hike or be out doors.
The ideal woman would depend on me 60% of the time, speak her mind, but at the same time carry a soft tone in her voice. I enjoy martial arts and would love to teach her the art. I love sport cars, 4x4's and the beach as much as possible.

Education is not that important for her to have, but I always encourage her. Looking for a woman that will blow me off my feet and willing to fight for what is her's.

I love women with long hair passionate eyes.
Doesn't matter if you have kids, I have two of my own, both are great and are A B students.
tattoo's are fine, if they are not over baring and covering your beautiful body.

I am an easy going type of person, I like to adventure and seek new views to see. I am not looking to marry anyone as I am leaving a marriage of 13 years. I don't feel jaded or bitter on the subject but just want to move on. I am very protective and will to lay my life on the line for family and my closest friends. Loyalty is something I seek in my partner.

At 35 I feel 17 physically.

there is no way to truly tell you more about me with out meeting me, and I to know you with out meeting you.

Oversharing

noreply@blogger.com (sleepy J) — Wed, 28 May 2008 05:38:00 +0000

When I started this blog almost a year ago, I fought my full-disclosure tendencies and gave myself a pen name. It won't surprise those who know me well that I had a very hard time with this. I'm not the most creative person in the world. When I was 7, my pet goldfish was named Goldie. My teddy bears were named Teddy and Ted E. Bear. (I blame part of this on English being my second language.) So, on the day I started this blog, I thought to myself, "Man, I feel sleepy!" My first initial is J. Thus, SleepyJ was born. I didn't stop there -- friends, dates, and even the online dating sites got renamed.

I was thinking about all of this recently as I read "Exposed" the NY Times Sunday Magazine cover article by Emily Gould. In a section called "Oversharing," she describes her motivation to blog:

I think most people who maintain blogs are doing it for some of the same reasons I do: they like the idea that there’s a place where a record of their existence is kept — a house with an always-open door where people who are looking for you can check on you, compare notes with you and tell you what they think of you.

For me, the initial motivation to blog came from a few sources. First, I thought blogging about the random details and thoughts of my everyday life would help me stay in touch with friends across the country and around the world. Thankfully, I think it has. Second, there were just too many ridiculous anecdotes from my online dating adventures -- I could either internalize it and be sad/angry, or frame the story in a humorous light and not take everything so seriously. Writing has always been therapeutic for me. (I've kept a journal since I was 13. However, I don't think writing "I love Corey P!!" five times a day for 120 consecutive days was really that crucial for getting me through the agony that was 7th grade, but it was definitely a start.) And yeah, I agree with Gould -- I definitely like getting feedback about the posts.

Gould's argument about oversharing also touched on the thin line between the personal and the public. Writing on my laptop in my kitchen seems so solitary, yet I know there are a small group of people who will read this very post in the next couple of days. Technology allows me to see how many subscribers I have, but doesn't allow me to see who they are. While it's exciting for me to see the number of subscribers rise over the past year, I can't account for all of them. Most, I assume, are my friends. Some are friends of friends. But I am curious about the lurkers out there who stumbled onto my blog. To the lurkers: Don't be shy! Comment once in a while. That said, I do appreciated the feedback, both public and private, that I get from y'all. I'm glad people are actually reading, thinking, and maybe even talking about what I wrote.

The other reason I'm writing blogging about blogging (how circular of me!) is that I've decided to reign back the oversharing on the current state of affairs. It's always made me uneasy to think about the possibility of a current beau or a future partner finding this blog and getting a big dose of TMI. (Remember when I tried to make everyone swear to an oath of secrecy?) So, when it comes to affairs of the heart, I will reminisce a lot and psychoanalyze past relationships, but current stuff will stay mostly off limits. Don't worry, there will still be updates here and there, just not a lot of intimate details.

But just so that you don't think I'm holding out on you, here's some breaking news: the sculptor and I are officially exclusive. Yesterday was our one month-aversary, so I thought it would be good timing to bring up the exclusivity issue. I hated that I felt like I had to do it, because all signs were pointing to, "Yes, it's so obvious that we're exclusive so why do we even have to talk about it?!" But, being single adults, I felt it was my dating duty to put my cards on the table and leave nothing to chance. Luckily, it was quick and easy.

Me: I like you. I don't want to date anyone else.
Him: I like you too. I don't want to date anyone else either.
Me: Good. (sigh of relief)

Film chick asked me if the sculptor is officially my boyfriend now. For some reason, I'm weird about those labels (subject of another post), but I can see how it is much more practical to call someone you're exclusively dating your boyfriend, rather than "the guy I'm dating" or more ambiguously, "friend." I personally like "fella" or "lover" if I'm being silly.

"Oh No He Didn't!" Borderline Douchebag Edition

noreply@blogger.com (sleepy J) — Fri, 23 May 2008 05:11:00 +0000

When I first read this profile by C, 31 of San Francisco, I didn't think it was too bad. I actually liked certain parts of it. Only upon the second and third readings did my douchebag alarm go off. This guy just comes off as a cocky jerk who thinks he's too good for online dating. Also, despite his claim of being decent looking, guess what? No photos. I've bolded the parts I found particularly eyebrow-raising. Enjoy!

"A little bit of uh-huh..."
OK-I'm putting aside the pride for at least a little while and wagering that this may be a better way to meet interesting and fun women than weaving my way through another crowded bar. I'm smart (to the point of occassional bookishness-I love NYT crosswords and the Atlantic), athletic (very into hiking, biking, skiing, etc.), love to cook (owing to a gourmet caterer for a mom), play guitar and sing, funny (though after reading this far you'd be right to demand some more evidence), and apparently very into the parenthetical thought today. At 6'0 with a sporty build I also get decent marks in the looks dept. What I look for...If you're someone who is psyched to wake up early on Sunday and hit the farmer's market, make brunch, nail the crossword, and go for hike, then maybe we should do some talking. If you're also willing to wake up some Sundays at 12 after spending a night playing beer pong with me and my friends, then we should definitely do some talking. :) (author's note: I generally frown on the use of the smiley face, but it's too early for you to recognize my laugh lines) Above all, I want to feel proud of you. I want to watch you walk into a room full of my friends who've you never met and really impress them with your wit, charm, and warmth. I want you to be a better writer than me (you can see it won't be too difficult), and I want you to teach me a craft like knitting. Ice Creams you might call favorite: Ben and Jerry's Oatmeal Cookie Chunk. Music you might own and love: Fela, Joni, Miles (I like to remain on a first-name basis with all my musical heroes) Thievery Corp., Blackalicious, Talking Heads. Animated cartoon characters you might call inspirational: Strong Bad.

For a taste of full-on douchebaggery, check out this guy from Craigslist. Apparently he wasn't too amused that he was mocked online, so he threatened to sue Gawker. Too bad the original Craigslist ad has been taken down...

SleepyJ's Dating Bookclub: The Game

noreply@blogger.com (sleepy J) — Tue, 20 May 2008 03:38:00 +0000

Oprah may have her book club featuring Pulitzer Prize winners, but does she review highly esteemed books such as He's Just Not That Into You, or The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists? No, I didn't think so. And given how poorly written The Game is, y'all owe me big time. I'll sum up all 452 pages of the sheer mediocrity in this one post.

First, a brief synopsis. The Game is the story of Neil Strauss, the author of great literary works such as How to Make Love Like a Porn Star (with Jenna Jameson) and The Dirt (with Motley Crue), and the two years he spent in the society of the Pick-Up Artists (PUA). It's your typical nerd-becomes-stud story: nerd learns tricks to start talking to women, gets a makeover and make what sound like appalling clothing and accessory choices, starts realizing that he's got game and that (some) women are easy, sleeps with lots of women and YET still feels unsatisfied, finally meets a girl who doesn't fall for The Game, and quits the game to be with Game-proof girl. In the meantime, there's lots of lame side drama involving the PUA's with whom the the author surrounds himself. Power struggles and girlfriend stealing, for the most part. Oh, and there's name-dropping by way of Tom Cruise, Britney Spears, and Courtney Love. Was I supposed to be impressed?

An indicator of the lameness of the PUA society is the fact that all of the PUA's have nicknames, such as Style (Neil Strauss), Mystery (as seen on VH1), Playboy, Herbal, Xaneus, Papa, Sweater, and Extramask, just to name a few. Also, even though the men profiled in the book go from Average Frustrated Chumps (AFCs) to PUAs, they are still the same dorks with low self-esteem. They are guys who might be able to get tons of numbers and ass, but no girlfriends because personality cannot be taught.

The most irritating aspect of the book was the way in which women were objectified and the overall misogynistic tone of both the author and the PUA society. The grand revelation towards the end of the book, when the author falls in love with the only woman who doesn't fall for the Game, is so underwhelming and obvious, I wanted to throw this (Bible-looking) book at someone. Preferably Neil Strauss himself.

Anyway. I have to admit that before reading The Game, I had high expectations. I was hoping to learn all sorts of tricks of the trade, and perhaps identify games that had been tried on me. Unfortunately, only about 10-15% of the book deals with this. The chapter titles do a decent job of summing up Style's game. Here's the list and my explanations of each chapter title:
1. Select a Target. Target = girl to be picked up.
2. Approach and Open. There's a 3 second rule -- the PUA must approach the target within 3 seconds of seeing her, to avoid staring too long or getting too nervous about the approach. The "open" part has to do with unconventional pickup lines, such as using astrology, personality tests, getting an opinion about a situation, or using a "neg" -- an accidental insult. Most of these methods are used to circumvent a woman's natural defenses against the typical pickup lines.
3. Demonstrate Value. Show the target why the PUA is desirable or more "valuable" than the other men in the room. Part of this might be to tear down Alpha Males of the Group (AMOGs).
4. Disarm the Obstacles. This is where the PUA befriends the wingman or wingwoman (also called pivot) in order to gain allies in his quest for the target. Sometimes the PUA will ignore the target and only focus on the obstacles in order to pique the target's interest (as in, "Why isn't he paying attention to me?").
5. Isolate the Target. Self-explanatory.
6. Create an Emotional Connection. There are mind tricks that the PUAs employ to associate emotional feelings with physical touch. For instance, a PUA might ask you to recall a happy memory and then touch you on your shoulder. Then, every time he touches your shoulder, you might experience feelings of happiness.
7. Extract to a Seduction Location. Self-explanatory, though part of this is extending the first meeting to several different venues. For instance, if you meet in a bar, he might suggest going dancing or grabbing a bite. Apparently, this makes you feel like you've known him longer and increases his chances of scoring. Another tactic is to invite you to his place, but the PUA will keep saying that he has to get up early so you can't stay too long, in order to disarm you into thinking he's not going to try to get into your pants.
8. Pump up Buying Temperature. The Buying Temperature is a very short time window where a woman is willing to sleep with a man. Pumping up the Buying Temperature is to lengthen this short window by weird tactics that I don't really understand.
9. Make a Physical Connection. Self-explanatory. One funny thing here is how to make someone kiss you. You are supposed to do something called, "triangulation" which sounds painful, but is really just looking back and forth between your partner's eyes and their lips. Apparently, this will trigger an immense and undeniable desire to kiss. (Everyone needs to try this at home. I think it's hilarious.)
10. Blast Last-Minute Resistance. Last-Minute Resistance is where the target decides that maybe she doesn't want to sleep with the PUA after all. To deal with this, the author recommends the push-pull, which is a more complicated (and in my opinion, sillier) version of playing hard to get. Also known as running hot and cold. Another, sneakier suggestion is to push for oral sex. What woman in her right mind will turn down a man eager to go down on her?
11. Manage Expectations. This is where the PUA spells out where the relationship is going -- whether it's casual, one of multiple long-term relationships (MLTR), or a long-term relationship. Because being a good PUA is about honesty and not about lying to women. Yeah right.

Basically, The Game is combination of reverse psychology, hypnosis, bad humor (something called "cocky funny"), and reading body language. I kept wondering who were all of the women who were falling for these tricks? Well, I could blame it on geography -- most of the book takes place in Los Angeles. Though there are plenty of smart people living in L.A., I'm guessing that the club scene isn't exactly Mensa headquarters. But there are a few tricks for which I think any woman might fall. For instance, the time-limitation. Say you're at the bar, you talk to a guy and have a decent conversation. After 10-15 minutes, he says something along the lines of, "It's been great talking to you, but I have to go pick up a friend at the airport. Could we continue this conversation at another time?" In one fell swoop, he'll get your name, number, and possibly set up a first date. Another trick is the aforementioned oral sex offer. It takes a lot of willpower to turn that down.

Anyway, that's all I have to say about this book. It was a big fat disappointment, but at least I didn't waste any money on it thanks to the public library. Oh, and did I mention that I read most of it in Mexico, and since the book looks like the Bible, it looked like I was reading the Bible on the beach? Yeah, I scored a lot of cool points there.

update

noreply@blogger.com (sleepy J) — Sat, 17 May 2008 07:53:00 +0000

It's 12:53am on Saturday morning. What am I doing writing a blog post at this hour? Let's just say it has something to do with the fact that I took a 4 hour nap earlier this evening, so I need to expend some (mental) energy before I attempt to sleep for real. Plus, it's been a while since I've posted anything about the sculptor, so I thought I'd catch y'all up on that situation.

Things are going really really well. We had several dates this week, though it's getting to the point where they're not formal dates, but more like hanging out together. Tuesday night, he came over for dinner. Cooking dinner for a guy for the first time is not something I take lightly. In the past, I've stuck with cooking my tried-and-true recipe for Chinese BBQ noodles. However, I decided this time to try something new: shrimp lasagna rolls from Giada De Laurentiis's Everyday Pasta cookbook. Every recipe I've tried from this cookbook has been amazing. Anyway, I ran into a slight hitch since I bought the wrong type of lasagna noodles (no-boil), so we had to run out to the store and buy some new noodles. But the sculptor was very patient and even helped me dry dishes at the end of the meal . (He offered to help cook too, but my control-freak nature wouldn't let him.)

Thursday night, we met up with a couple of the sculptor's friends, J & A, whom I had met last weekend during our 38 hour date, for a quick dinner and then a show at The Independent. We went to see Langhorne Slim on the sculptor's recommendation. (Funny fact: He had seen Langhorne Slim open for his friend's band at the Cat's Cradle in Carrboro, NC.) Anyway, the show was great and I enjoyed it a lot. It's cool to finally date someone that brings his own knowledge and interests to the table.

Today (or should I say yesterday, Friday), my experiments weren't going so well. Actually they weren't going at all, so when I got a text message from the sculptor inviting me to his work party, I decided to take the afternoon off and check out his workplace and also his co-workers. When I got there, about 3 hours after the party started, everyone was tipsy but very friendly. The sculptor has told me good things about his co-workers and also about his own work (in a proud but not super-egotistical way), but it was good to verify these details in person. It was obvious that his bosses thought very highly of him, even though he's only been there for 3 months. Anyway, we hung out for a while and then got a ride back to his place and slept/passed out for 4 hours. I would have stayed there, but I already made plans to meet a friend in Berkeley at 9am so I thought it would be best for me to BART back.

Anyway, it's getting late so I should head to bed. I don't want to jinx myself or this budding relationship, but I really like the sculptor. It's been completely unexpected and wonderful so far. Let's hope it continues (even if this blog gets extremely dull as a result).

"Oh No He Didn't!" Spellcheck, please! Edition

noreply@blogger.com (sleepy J) — Thu, 15 May 2008 04:25:00 +0000

This profile makes no sense, and it certainly doesn't help that he didn't run spell and grammar check. I've bolded the problem spots. I think this guy's on drugs, or maybe just high on life (or the good timings?).

J, 31, Woodland:
easy going good timing man looking for a good time gal.
Me I am 31 years young and striving. Very, very out going I stil Skateboard with the youngsters and Snowboard. In the winter months I love to go hiking (less tourists) and love the rain its just a lot more peacefull and nature is at peace. So you might say I am a hippi or somethin and you might be right but not the tree huging kind (not that I have a problem with them) I think everyone has a little hippi in them or should. I also have a daughter from a preivous relationship who is 2 years old that I see every weekend and will not change plans for any one when it comes to my daughter. Bottom line is that I am looking for a woman who WILL NOT hold me up and who DOSE NOT want to be held up if you know what I mean. It's NOT JUST ABOUT SEX......
HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON PEACE, LOVE AND HAPPYNESS - J....

Book, movie or concert I've enjoyed: Blink is a book about spirtaul enlightenment that i havent finished yet but i do like to read often. More than watching a movie or T/V. Or just sit and philosipse with some freinds.

Breaking Barriers*

noreply@blogger.com (sleepy J) — Mon, 12 May 2008 03:30:00 +0000

*no, this is not an euphemism for something dirty. Get your mind out of the gutter!

Before my flight to Mexico, the sculptor and I had our third date. We had Thai food, followed by drinks at an Irish pub. Everything was still going really well. It was a nice way to leave for vacation -- I was happy that I was at the beginning of something hopeful, but not bogged down by commitments or emotions. I knew that I would think about him, but I wouldn't miss him like crazy.

When I got back into town Thursday, I wondered if things between us would change. A week isn't a long time, but I operate on the assumption that everyone has social A.D.D. until he/she proves otherwise. It turned out that I didn't have to worry -- the sculptor called while I was on the BART home from the airport. Even though he said he wanted to see me right away, we both decided it would be best to wait until Friday.

Friday rolled around, and we went out on our fourth date. This is where the title of this blog becomes appropriate. Our fourth date ended up being 38 hours long, surpassing my previous record. And it was 38 hours of relaxing good times. We ate a lot, talked a lot, drank a little, watched some TV (Arrested Development and 30 Rock), played Guitar Hero, shared family photos, hung out in the park, and walked around. The second barrier that was broken was that I got to meet a few of the sculptor's friends. Even though I've dated a lot of guys in the past year, I've never met any of their friends. The sculptor's friends were nice, seemed normal, and I had fun hanging out with them. A very good sign, I think.

I'm happy to report that there still aren't any red flags with the sculptor. He's not perfect, but he doesn't appear to be emotionally unstable or afraid of commitment. I like that he's very sweet, interesting (and interested), affectionate, has a positive attitude, reads books (!), likes all sorts of food, has traveled a lot, is close to his family, and doesn't play mind games. No wonder that I feel very comfortable around him.

Which brings me to my final two barriers. The third barrier that I'm breaking with the sculptor is that I'm not in full disclosure mode with him. I haven't asked him many questions about his past relationships, and the information that we have discussed came up as part of the normal flow of conversation. I feel like we have plenty of time to talk about this and there's no need for a full report at this point.

The last barrier is that the sculptor has quit online dating, more or less because of me. I told him this afternoon that I resigned my subscription to Chemistry. He said he was thinking about doing the same thing, so while we were on the phone, he resigned too. I hope he doesn't get buyer's remorse, since I only had 2 weeks left on my pre-paid subscription, while he had 4 months left. Either way, it's good news and a relief that we're both officially offline.

Overall, I'm feeling optimistic and happy, but I'm also keeping my expectations in check. I'm enjoying my time with the sculptor but not looking too far ahead. It definitely helps that he consistently communicates his feelings for me, so that I feel secure instead of anxious.

A belated postcard

noreply@blogger.com (sleepy J) — Sun, 11 May 2008 19:31:00 +0000

Hey y'all. I'm back from Mexico! Soonie and I spent 4 days getting some serious relaxation in Tulum, sped our way through the fastest tour of Chitzen Itza EVER, and then spent our last afternoon/evening in the lovely little town of Puerto Morelos. I had a fabulous time eating, sunning, swimming, and seeing the Mayan ruins.

Even though I was only gone for about a week, it was enough of a break from my normal routine to gain perspective. For one thing, I've decided to take a break from internet dating. Yes, it helps that things with the sculptor are going well, but I've realized that I don't like the mentality of internet dating. I constantly felt like I was comparison shopping. Maybe it's because I'm an analytical person by nature, but I wanted to break the process down into discrete units for comparison and love just doesn't work that way. So, as of 20 minutes ago, I officially resigned my subscription to Chemistry.com. Don't worry -- I still have a few "Oh No He Didn't" profiles in the archive and I still plan on writing about dating and relationships.

Stayed tuned for a bonus post on my reunion with the sculptor...

"Oh No He Didn't!" Emoticon Edition

noreply@blogger.com (sleepy J) — Fri, 02 May 2008 05:26:00 +0000

Before I present this week's "Oh No He Didn't!" -- a quick dating update. I had my second date with the sculptor on Tuesday night. We had tapas and watched "Flight of the Conchords." Pretty perfect. Everything is still going swimmingly. We have plans to have dinner tomorrow night before my red-eye flight to Mexico (woo-hoo! Mexico here I come!!).

Also, I want to give a shout-out to film chick, who just passed her Ph.D. qualifying exam! Woot-woot!

OK, on with the show...This profile was obviously written by a non-native English speaker, so I think he relied a lot on emoticons to get his point across. Though at some point, I got very confused about what he was trying to say... those parts are bolded.

Well lets see...first of all, I see myself as a handsome Gentleman =P haha... I'm trying to be funny. That is for you to judge. I just see myself with an easy going personality, I am goofy, dorky, and love to be funny. Slowly starting to act my age. =P Of course I am proper and professional when I should be. o_O Actually I may come off tense and uneasy at first, but that is only because I have a little shyness in me. =) I may add I am a bit traditional. Hmm...Simplicity is what I go by so if you are looking for a complicated guy you're at the wrong place. ;) To sum it all up, I am pretty much a good boy with a sense of humor, respectful, and would like to keep things simple. ^.^

I would like to meet someone with beauty within, who is kind, genuine, and peaceful. Someone who knows what they want in life and who loves her job and ready to take on a serious relationship, and have lots of fun. =) I want her to be a good girl with glasses, nerdy and has a huge book collection. =P Basically the school girl, non-clubbing, sweet girl. jk Hope to learn more about each other and hope we are a Superman & Lois =D

Chemistry's Tactful Rejection

noreply@blogger.com (sleepy J) — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 02:06:00 +0000

Remember when I went on one of Chemistry.com's "First Meetings" with IBC, and then got Chemistry to do the dumping for me? I was pretty curious about the "carefully worded response" that Chemistry was supposed to send to IBC to tell him I wasn't interested. Because I had a great first date with the sculptor, I thought he would be the perfect candidate to implement food-twin's suggestion to get someone to reject me after the First Meeting so we could all see what the "carefully worded email" would say. Also, I was curious about the email you get after you've been archived. So, I got the sculptor to archive me, then unarchive me, then invite me to a First Meeting, then fill out the First Meeting feedback, then reject my ass. What I found out was:

- I never got an email saying that I got archived, so I would have had to go onto the site to find out. I have a sneaky suspicion though that they don't tell you directly that you've been rejected. Instead, they say, "that profile is no longer available" which could mean a number of things. Chemistry.com is so passive!
- I did get an email saying that I had been unarchived, which is really confusing since I didn't know I had been archived in the first place.
- The sculptor filled out the feedback and rejected me, but Chemistry never notified me that he did that.
- I filled out the feedback, and clicked the box saying that I wanted to see him again. This is what the next screen read:

We're glad to hear that you enjoyed meeting [the sculptor] on your First- Meeting(TM). We're sorry to say that there was not mutual chemistry.

Unfortunately, not every match works out. As many of our members have said, it's better to know early on, rather than later after you've invested a great deal of time and energy.

We encourage you to move forward and focus on getting to know your other matches. Best of luck in your search for someone special.

Yeah, I guess that is pretty damn tactful, though I think it's really weird that I had to complete the whole process before finding out that the other person wasn't interested. I can't believe they never sent an email that was like, "[the sculptor] just told us you went on your First Meeting! Tell us how it went for you!" or something like that. Weird.

First Date Report: the sculptor

noreply@blogger.com (sleepy J) — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 07:27:00 +0000

For our first date, I suggested to the sculptor that we go to a comedy show. I figured that if we weren't having a good time, at least we could have a few laughs. So I was a bit disappointed to wake up yesterday and get an email saying the show was canceled. Despite this turn of events, we decided to stick to our original plan to meet at the comedy club and go from there.

Before I go on any further, here's some background about the sculptor. He is 30 years old, just moved here from North Carolina 2 months ago, and as his nickname insinuates, is a sculptor. More specifically, he's a metalsmith who makes custom furniture and fixtures for super-rich clients, but has also made his own original sculptures in the past. I was intrigued by the sculptor because he didn't fit the stereotype (in my mind) of a typical artist -- head in the clouds and a little self-absorbed or narcissistic. Another thing I liked about him was that he's new to online dating, so he wasn't following any of the usual patterns which was refreshing. For instance, it's typical to only talk once on the phone before the first date, but the sculptor and I talked a few times briefly throughout the week. Actually, our first date was his first online date ever, so I joked that I was taking his online dating virginity.

We met up at the comedy club and walked a few doors down to the neighborhood dive bar to have a couple of beers. While I would not say he was the best looking guy in the whole world, he's definitely attractive and looked like he had a nice body. (Not surprising, given that he likes to surf, rock climb, and bike.) After our beers, we decided to continue our date by going out to dinner. Conversation was never awkward, and for the first time during a first date, I actually was fully in the moment the entire time. For instance, I was never thinking of the next question to ask or whether we would see each other again. We had great rapport and good chemistry (finally!!).

Also for the first time ever, I couldn't come up with any cons. Everything felt really natural (though I think the alcohol helped in that manner). He gave me sweet compliments without coming on too strong, was good at telling stories, and seemed to genuinely appreciate my quirks. Since we parted ways, he's sent me multiple text messages, several emails, and we talked on the phone twice. Do you think he might be into me? We have plans to get together again Tuesday night for our second date.

In other news, O.G. didn't get my hints from Friday's date and asked me out by email for a third date. I sent him what I thought was a tactfully worded email saying that I enjoyed getting to know him, but it's not going to work out, and thanks for the fun dates.

No-go for no neck

noreply@blogger.com (sleepy J) — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 21:38:00 +0000

Last night I had my second date with O.G. I was trying to be optimistic because even though I didn't feel a blast of chemistry on our first date, we did have a good time and pleasant conversation.

The minute I saw him, though, my optimism went out the window. My intuition definitively stated, "This is so NOT the guy for you." I admit that this judgement was based mostly on the fact that I did not find him very physically attractive. It wasn't just that he had no neck and was slightly overweight; his manner was suggestive of a penguin as he waddled next to me in his ill-fitting blazer and unattractive jeans. (Yes, I know I'm mean.)

We had dinner at an interesting place that O.G. found online. And by interesting, I mean that it was retro but not in a good way. Think "Three's Company" type of retro, with dark red leather banquets and fake flowers in faux crystal vases. Because I had already decided this would be our last date, I felt guilty about letting him pay for both dinner and the play. So I offered to pay for dinner since he was getting the theater tickets. He politely declined, saying that I could plan and pay for our third date. Oh well, what could I do but passively agree? I wasn't about to tell him that there wouldn't be a third date.

As we were eating dinner, I was trying to figure out how to get O.G. to lose interest in me so that I wouldn't have to reject him. I thought it might be a good plan to actively repulse him. Maybe I could not chew gum after my garlicky dinner, be really self-centered with conversation (easily done), or just generally act jerky. Then I realized that I was acting like a dude by avoiding the "I'm just not that into you" convo. That was a weird revelation. In the end, I decided to just act normal but not give any misleading come-on's.

The play was outstanding. We went to see "Coronado" by Dennis Lehane (of "Mystic River" and "Gone Baby Gone" fame). There was some explicitly sexual content, which surprisingly did not make me feel uncomfortable at all. Probably because there was no sexual tension between O.G. and me.

He drove me home, and as we kept conversing, I got nervous about how this date would end. If you couldn't tell already, I did not want to kiss this man. I ended up opting for the right shoulder lunge as he glanced my cheek for a kiss. Close call!

There was no talk of a third date since I was actively avoiding it, and he might have been playing it cool (or perhaps sensed that I wasn't interested?). In any case, this will probably be the last time you read about O.G. But stayed tuned -- I'm going on a first date tonight with the Sculptor. Wish me luck!

"Oh No He Didn't!" Euro-trash Edition

noreply@blogger.com (sleepy J) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 06:37:00 +0000

Some of you know about my proclivity towards males of the European persuasion. I've dated a Brit, a Frenchie, a French-Moroccan, and a Dane. I don't know why I'm so attracted to European guys. I think it has to do with their sophistication but also I think it's a variation on the exotic theme. They're different and that's cool, you know?

So, in honor of my Euro-fetish, and the fact that I went to see an awesome Yelle show this evening, I present to you this week's edition of "Oh No He Didn't!"

M, 34, of San Francisco seems like a perfectly nice guy. He looks VERY happy in all of his photos, occasionally flashing the "peace" sign that is usually more common amongst East Asians. M is either from Spain or maybe Italy. Despite my love of European men, I would prefer a guy who speaks English. Anyway, without further ado, here's his profile and some other interesting information about M:

"Everyone Can Afford Give Away Smile"
I was born in europe ,but now I live here in frisco .....pretty cool city ......I am working and study ,I like adventures specialy traveling around world ,but there is still a lot places at the globe to see,,,jajajjaja.....I like spend time with friends going out like dining,sports,concerts or just like hang out .....whene I have a free time I like enjoyd hobbies or just spend time at home and relax .....jajajja......about looking for ...hmhmmh.....human been with brain and heart ,because i thing its a important the interior........ciao.....bessos

Profession/Occupation: constraction side like electrician
Book, movie or concert I've enjoyed: shakira live concert ,good artist and human been