Kitchen Retro

Of Rice and Hen

Lidian47@gmail.com (Lidian) — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 15:09:00 +0000

In 1958 a lady called Sadie LeSueur wrote a book called Recipes, Party Plans and Garnishes,which tells you all sorts of things such as how to make toast look like wheelbarrows, and cabbages look like Spook Heads - and rice look like a life size hen.

Yes, it is true! Your rice need not look like a dish of rice at all. And as for making a simple ring mold out of it - hah! That is too boring for Sadie. She thinks that your guests deserve more. She writes:

I have found that having a variety of molds for the food adds a great deal to any party...but the mold that attracts the most attention is one in the shape of a life-size hen. A rice hen surrounded by turkey hash and a garnish of parsley is always attractive for the main course. When the hen is unmolded on a platter I attach a bright red comb, cut from a pimento, to the top of her head, make eyes of cloves and paint her bill with yellow fruit coloring.

Yes, a lifesize rice hen will attract attention all right. Your guests will fall about laughing. Just imagining this spectacle gave people a case of serious giggles when I read this passage aloud.

But why is the rice hen surrounded by turkey hash, and not chicken hash? Perhaps chicken hash would be too distressing. And what about the wattle? I checked to see of hens actually have combs (they do) because I am a city kid and know nothing of hens, real or molded. They have combs and they have wattles on their little necks. Maybe you could make a wattle out of Jell-O.

I tried to find a picture of a Lifesize Rice Hen, but alas, Sadie did not include pictures in her book; and other people did not make them - or if they did, they refused to leave photographic evidence.

What I do have is an advertisement for Jell-O, endorsed by a hen; and an ad for a fabulous 1962 career opportunity in which you make a fortune ("turn concrete into gold") making beautiful "ornamental concrete hens." (For additional profits, you may want to paint their bills with yellow food coloring and attach some pimento combs.)

The Jell-O loving hen seems to be reciting the old nursery rhyme about Higgledy Piggledy, except that this hen is called Hickety and is, er, a hepcat. Hephen. This reminded me of one of my favorite Dorothy Parker poems, which will conclude this hen post perfectly:

Higgledy Piggledy, my white hen
She lays eggs for gentlemen;
You cannot persuade her with gun or lariat
To come across for the proletariat.

[The cement hen ad is from Popular Mechanics, November 1962; the Jell-O ad is from Life, November 14, 1955. Title from the 1953 Looney Tunes cartoon, a play on Of Mice and Men.]

Song of the Empty Ketchup Bottle

Lidian47@gmail.com (Lidian) — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 15:05:00 +0000

I wandered lonely as a bottle
That floats along in solitude
When all at once I saw tomatoes
Come bobbing past: "What's happening, dude?"
They called to me; I said at once,
"I think we're in a place called Hunt's."

Continuous as the stars that shine
Tomatoes floating everywhere;
Why did the factory make you swim,
What sort of river brought you there,
Dispatched from your ancestral vine,
Straight onto the production line?

Tomatoes! You are innocent
Of devious harvest plans to fetch up
Enormous quantities of you
The end goal being loads of ketchup;
And after you are minced and throttled,
In boiling vats, you shall be bottled.

O Hunt's! so fussy, as you say
About your wee vine-ripened friends
Tomatoes sailing through your maw
The saucy means to Huntsian ends;
How do I know these things are true?
Recycled bottle. Déjà vu.

[With apologies to William Wordsworth, who was inspired by some lovely daffodils, since he was born too early for Hunt's tomatoes.]

I got the actual scan from Life, December 20 1963 (at Google Books) but I actually found this ad thanks to my friend Thomas MacEntee who kindly pointed me towards Vintage Ads; this ad was there but it looked a little fuzzy, so I scanned it elsewhere. A really big version is here.

Oh, and it is Retro Tuesday! Yes. I forgot again. But it isn't too late, it's still Tuesday - so I'm in! This is hosted by my friend Tracy at The Crazy Suburban Mom. She has some amazing ads today, ranging from the frightening to the fabulous - so please go visit!

Sic Transit Gloria Magic Mummy

Lidian47@gmail.com (Lidian) — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 15:14:00 +0000

It may have been a little hasty of Murgatroyd's PR people (AKA the Franco American Novelty Company) to say that he was a bigger phenomenon than the King Tut Magic Mummy. There wasn't anything bigger than this in the novelty line in the late 1940s! King Tut had Mystery Action, for one thing, which is more than motionless Murgatroyd had. Plus he came in bright colors like Blue Raspberry Popsicle blue or Chemical Green Apple green. And his sarcophagus has that snappy red lining.

And please note the WARNING on the ad (from Billboard, December 18, 1948):

The manufacturer of the original KING TUT MUMMY is going to prosecute to the full extent of the law all imitators and infringers of this item. Be on the safe side buy the original in the blue and orange box called KING TUT, THE MAGIC MUMMY.

Or else! Or else you may find a few hundred of these things flying through the air to give you a smack on the head!

Well, but what does King Tut do? Oh, he comes to life with Mystery Action, that's all! You have to help, though. Just keep him in the plastic sarcophagus and then hand him over to someone else. He will fly right out of there, pronto.

This is sort of like being half asleep on Monday morning and then realizing that there is coffee nearby. So you jump up, of course! Without flying through the air. Mostly. I wish I knew King Tut's secret. My theory is that it involves caffeine in some way.

Actually, I can tell you the secret because I found the patent, here. It has to do with magnets, one in a false bottom of the sarcophagus (if you want more details by all means please click on over to the patent and enjoy). If you want the mummy to stay put you tilt the sarcophagus so that the correct magnets line up. Hand it over to an unsuspecting friend, who will hold it lying flat - and King Tut jumps up like a Starbucks barista just called out that his Gingerbread Latte is ready for pick up.

You can see a picture and description of a green King Tut Magic Mummy here at Time Passages Nostalgia. The picture of the blue one is from Byemylife. Thanks to them, and to Rob's Puzzle Page, too, which cited the 1949 patent for this toy. They still make these today, by the way. And the gingerbread latte is from here, of course.

The Lizard of Awes v. Murgatroyd: Battle of the Plastic Lizards

Lidian47@gmail.com (Lidian) — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 17:11:00 +0000

Plastic lizards were in fashion - in kitschy circles - back in the summer of 1949. Apparently. How else to explain all the advertisements for them? Either they were popular or someone had a lot of plastic lizards left over from...something. I don't know what.

Anyway, for all the witty pun-lovers, there was the astonishing Lizard of Awes. Prepare to be stricken with awe as he - Jumps! Wiggles! Squirms! Wow, that really is awesome. And that's just the beginning, folks. This Beverly Hills native, made of genuine LA plastic, will also do - uh, nothing. That's it, really. Just admire him. He is a celebrity. He's the Lizard of Awes!

Maybe Murgatroyd can take up the slack here. Now, Murgatroyd is a New Yorker, so he is probably pretty tricky and urbane. You can "make yourself a load of dough" with him, because he is the "original lizard." Take that, Lizard of Awes! Murgatroyd was out there being fabulous when you were just a little plastic tadpole. Why, apparently Murgatroyd is even more of a profit maker than the King Tut Magic Mummy. That is why he is a little bit more expensive than the Lizard of Awes (40 cents more per dozen, to be exact).

The Franco American Novelty Co. begs you - and Murgatroyd begs you as well - do not buy imitations! Murgatroyd is the original, the only, the best! And - what does he do? Does he wiggle and jump like the L of A?

No. No, no. He simply IS. With a name like Murgatroyd, what else does he have to do but just stand around and look cool?

[Murgatroyd is from Billboard, July 9, 1949 and the L of A is from Billboard, Jun 11, 1949. As for the king Tut Magic Mummy, we'll check in on him later on this week. Because two plastic lizards' worth of kitsch is enough for one post, don't you think?]

The Faculty of Fine Eggs

Lidian47@gmail.com (Lidian) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 16:57:00 +0000

Here's one more New Year's resolution we all may want to consider. Everybody put on your best apron, raise your right arm high and repeat after the little lady at the left:

I'll always make my cup custards with FINE EGGS!

They don't have to be perfect eggs, just - fine. But how do you know if your eggs are fine? The answer that springs to mind is simply to ask them how they are. The polite egg will always say: oh, I'm fine, how are you? And that is how you know.

Also, make sure that you are fine as well, before attempting to make custard. And if everything and everyone is fine, then go ahead. Oh, it's going to be a great year, 2010. It'll be our year for getting things done! And what are we going to do? We will, of course, be making many, many cup custards.

Which brings to mind another resolution: buy custard cups, immediately. And we'll all sing:

Should older eggs just be forgot
When dessert time comes to mind?
We'll make a cup of custard yet
'Cause I'm sure those eggs are fine.

This 1941 ad, from Woman's Day, is from the wonderful TJS Labs (where you can see this in a larger size, and maybe take down the recipe).

What A New Year's Eve This Will Make!

Lidian47@gmail.com (Lidian) — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 17:01:00 +0000

Here are two extremely fun and exciting ideas to make your New Year's Eve party a - well, a retrospectacular (yeah, I like that word, I just made it up the other day, thought I could use it again here). Even though the visuals are in black and white, you can just imagine the bright and wacky sight that these two party necessities will bring to your house.

Oh yes, they will bring the fun all right! Because really, what else do you need for a fun evening with your guests besides (a) fabulous decorations and (b) a really clever, and sturdy, refreshment area?

You can make a lovely checkered open bar out of cardboard cartons! And the best part is the name that the Popular Mechanics writer thought up for it, back in December 1963. Are you ready? It is called a One Night Stand. I think maybe that writer was making a joke, don't you? Pretty racy for 1963, eh what?

This certainly is going to be some party!

And wait 'til you see the balloons. You will love them, because you do not stick them on a wall and forget them, oh no. You will be wearing them as hats. This ad is from a 1947 Billboard, by the way, a bit anachronistic with regards to the One Night Stand, but so what, it's going to be the most amazing party of the year. Of the decade! Or as the Lee-Tex party experts so rightly say - and I really think this sums everything up - What a New Year's Eve this will make!

Hope you have a terrific New Year's Eve, wherever you land on the Cardboard-Bar-Balloon-Hat Celebration Spectrum. See you next year (tomorrow) with just one more New Year's resolution that I don't think you have even considered. I really am pretty sure you haven't, anyway...

[If you want to see how to make the One Night Stand, ahem,you can go right over here and have a look.]

You Say You Want A Resolution

Lidian47@gmail.com (Lidian) — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 16:21:00 +0000

Yessiree! It's time to put down that mince pie and start thinking about Moo Year's resolutions. I mean, New Year's resolutions. Elsie the Cow will be delighted to help you. She has a few suggestions:

1. No more eating mince pies while perching on a ladder, sonny! You are supposed to be dealing with the Christmas tree. I'm not sure if it's being decorated or decimated, maybe both, but either way, it's no time for snacks.

2. No more jolly chats with imaginary cows, even if you are Elwood P. Dowd's farmer cousin. And when you meet Elmer, Elsie's rageball husband, you will see why this is such a good idea. You really don't want to get into anything with Elmer, believe me.

3. Oh, and maybe you ought to think about a No Silly Suspenders resolution, too. And No White Socks With Black Shoes. And as for those pants...

[pause]

Yes, all right. That was lightly amusing. (The Elsie ad is from Life, November 22, 1943, by the way.) But what about real resolutions?

Oh, I have some of those. I'll bet you do, too. Here are just a few of mine:

1. Say, remember NaNoWriMo back in November, says I to myself? Try and think a-l-l-l-l-l-l the way back to November...oh yeah! Mystery novel, Brooklyn, 1890s, Eleanor Grey, Intrepid Girl Detective? Called Frozen Charlotte. (Not Frozen Eleanor, of course, how could she solve a murder mystery if she was frozen?)

How about writing that second draft. Because it really needs some work. Yessiree! A lot of work. A terrible, awful lot of-

2. ...Work! Got it.

Moving on. Literally. Because! Got a pedometer for Christmas, to replace the one I lost because it fell off when I was running and it sort of flipped off and by the time I noticed it was too late. Start using the pedometer again. Yes, now. Now! Now!

...Well, not right now, I am writing this. But you know what I mean.

3. Healthy eating, blah blah blah. Not mince pies, obviously. Good thing I don't even like mince pies.

4. There are probably some other things but I forget what they are. They go here. I think they have to do with managing stress, but can't really remember. Too stressed, probably.

So there you go...And now if you go over to Nanny Goats In Panties (which is such a terrific, funny blog, you really should pay a visit even if you don't have any resolutions) - you can join the This Time I Really Mean It challenge.

Please do tell, what are you going to promise to do (or not do) in 2010? At this point, you know, we're just making the resolutions, we don't have to actually do anything yet, so it will be fun! And just to get in the mood, we can listen a live version of John Lennon's yes-I-do/no-I-don't homage to change, Revolution. Notice how he sings "you can count me out" and then says "in." I think we all know just what he means.

Slymlastik Fantastic

Lidian47@gmail.com (Lidian) — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 17:10:00 +0000

Chili Bouchier* - under whose name I would like to write saucy Hollywood gossip, while wearing a smart little 1930s hat and holding an ivory cigarette holder (all the better to point out scandals from my table at the Stork Club) - has got something very special for you today. It is a beautiful massaging corset made by a woman called Nurse Sinclair.

Nurse Sinclair is never seen in the ad, she is the Wizard of Oz of corsetry, hidden behind the black background, telling Chili Bouchier when to slouch (on the left) and when to stand up straight and suck in her stomach (on the right).

Behold the Slymlastik!
Which saves you from doing anything gymnastic;
And that's because it's made of supersonic elastic.
In a word, it is jolly well fantastic.

As you can see. See how much happier Chili looks on the right? She went from Mae West to Jean Harlow in - probably in about half an hour. It takes about that long to wrestle the Slymlastik on.

But why does it take 10 whole days to lose 3 inches? Because the Slymlastik "massages" the fat away. And that is going to take it a few days. Doesn't that make you feel glamorous and special? As Chili says:

I must certainly advise slender women to try the Slymlastik.

If you are not slender Chili doesn't know what you are going to do. She'll get back to you on that one.

Big version here; from British women's magazine Woman's Journal, May 1937.

*Chili Bouchier was a famous movie actress in England in the 1930s.

High and Dryskin

Lidian47@gmail.com (Lidian) — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 15:05:00 +0000

This lady is disproportionally excited about Sofskin hand lotion. Since she comes from 1950s Adland, this is not a big surprise. They are constantly worked up about products there.

I had a great uncle who lived in Hollis (it is in Queens, not Long Island as the ad says), which is where this lady comes from. I don't think that my great uncle (who was exceedingly dry in more ways than one) ever experienced the miracle of Sofskin. She must have been keeping this a secret from the rest of the neighborhood.

Still, her joy is beyond dispute and indeed rather frightening. Ah, such manic glee, such bug-eyed rapture over a bottle of lotion.

But the letdown will come soon enough, just like (oh wait, here comes the tie-in with the holiday season!) - post-Christmas letdown. The slide towards New Year's, when you've played with all your new stuff a lot, and maybe exchanged some of it. And you're getting real sick of turkey. And maybe even a little bit sick of chocolates (I know it is hard to imagine). Unless that lotion is leaving a residue of diamond rings and $100 bills on your hands, you will get bored by it, definitely.

I'd like to see the letdown version of this ad. She's just sitting there, going "Meh, Sofskin works, I guess. But I still have to do all these stupid dishes!"

*****
I've been thinking about merging Doubletake into Kitchen Retro and making Kitchen Retro into one multi-faceted, multi-dimensional retroganza, so I will be importing the best Doubletake posts here and maybe redesigning things a little to help you all find different categories of retro stuff on the site. I'll be tinkering with things in the next few weeks, so there may be a little dust and clutter around. So, just like my bookshelves and desk. I'll let you know what's happening as I go along.

The Sofskin lady is from the amazing archives of LiveJournal (big version over there, of course) - and many thanks to the people who post those incredible ads over there!

It's Fun To Play With Hasbro!

Lidian47@gmail.com (Lidian) — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 18:04:00 +0000

Oh, certainly it is fun. But the potatoes are not included in your Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head set, boys and girls. Your mommies will have to get you some at the grocery store! So let me ask you this: if you take, say, an apple or a banana, and stick Mr. or Mrs. Potato Head plastic ears, nose, mouth and eyes on them, are they not Mr. Apple and Mrs. Banana? Why does the commercial still call them all Mr. and Mrs. Potatoes?

I am also concerned that the real-potato Potatoes will have trouble enjoying their trailer, because of size and gravity issues. They are just too big and heavy, they will crush that thing for sure. Better use little new potatoes, or even blueberries or grapes, if you get the trailer.

The ad is from Dave's Cool Toys, by the way, where there is also some excellent Potato Head history, if you would like to delve more deeply into this.

The Hasbro commercial goes on to rave about makeup kits and doctor and nurse kits that they have on offer, too. I would have liked those Hasbro play makeup kits as a kid, no question. I saw a non-Hasbro one in our neighborhood candy store* in New York City that I longed for (and finally got). But it was not as fancy as the Hasbro variety. The carrying case was white vinyl with gold speckles (like a kitchen counter) and there was a plastic lipstick in it and not a whole lot else. I was thrilled, though. It was 1966, this was the epitome of glamour in my world!

Candy stores are totally retro New York and I will write about them here, too. They sold candy, of course, and newspapers, magazines, and cheap toys and paperbacks; and there was usually a soda fountain. There are probably a few left, but not many.

Uncle Ned Drops Through

Lidian47@gmail.com (Lidian) — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 17:18:00 +0000

Uncle Ned
The disembodied head
Is one relation
Who causes some consternation
For when he comes to call
He simply bashes through the exterior wall
To hear him confess it, he
Has made a virtue of necessity:
Since a talking head will always be discussed
He feels that a dramatic entrance is a must.

Yet crashing through
is really no disaster:
He never fails to bring
a hostess gift of Rutland plaster;
And Cousin Sue,
though in a rather fancy dress
Is always able
to patch up the mess.

But save some Rutland, Sue!
For everyone knows
Ned also likes to leave a big impression
when he goes.

[Ad from Popular Science, April 1941.]

Everyone's Present Accounted For

Lidian47@gmail.com (Lidian) — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 17:55:00 +0000

Around the Christmas tree today
These costumed people like to stay
They're looking for a gift that's great
I hope they all like Papermate!

Cousin Al thinks he's a Spanish Dancer
Stomping and olé-ing is his answer
To every tricky situation
And nothing jogs his concentration;

And then there's Cousin Mary Jean
Her mom calls her The Teenage Queen
She's hoping for a lot of things
More fancy than our Santa brings;

And please, Aunt Millie, do not sing
We'd rather you do anything
Than prove you are a great Soprano -
Just have another Mint Milano!

Dear Uncle Bob, though no Tycoon
Will tell another story soon
About his clever business dealing
Blind to the doldrums we are feeling;

Dad's not a Riveter at all
He got that hat down at the mall;
He does not long to hammer and build
Or even mop up drinks he's spilled.

Grandmother is a tad askew
She hasn't got enough to do,
So points out everyone's mistakes
And pokes at all the Christmas cakes.

Some Little Gentleman is Chad!
He quite delights in being bad;
So mind the turkey and the tree
Do not fall subject to his glee.

And here's a Beatnik in the crowd
He's bearded but not very loud
Reciting from Jack Kerouac
Hovering somewhere in the back

He might be someone's boyfriend or
Perhaps just wandered through the door
Reciting his poem "Beat Heebie-Jeebies,"
Fresh from a run at CBGB's.

Now that we're all trytophan sedated
I wonder how we're all related?
We gave them all cheap ballpoint pens.
Thank goodness they look so dazed and dense.

******
Hope you are all having a lovely day! My coffeecake exploded in the tube pan yesterday, it was exactly like Lucy Ricardo baking that enormous loaf of bread in "Pioneer Women." I really ought to know better, I've seen that episode a few million times. But I think we managed to save it - I dumped it onto a baking tray and now it looks like a free form sort of pie thing. Edible, though. And icing is helpful - especially if you think of it as makeup for baked goods. I know I do.

******
The Papermate ad is from Graphic Design -TJS Labs, Life, December 14, 1959.

The Annual Christmas Pop-Up

Lidian47@gmail.com (Lidian) — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 13:12:00 +0000

Yes, it does pop up once a year, doesn't it? Though perhaps not quite like this. It isn't Halloween anymore, Santa - you're not supposed to jump out from piles of things and scare people.

Actually this lady just looks bemused, not scared or annoyed (the way I would be if he tried this out on me). She's probably his wife and has seen him do this many times before. In fact, this is very likely to be the Wembley tie couple from yesterday. She has that pursed-mouth expression down very nicely, all right.

Anyway, I want to wish you all a wonderful and amazing holiday! You might want to put out some extra eggnog, though, because Santa looks like he could use a little sit-down and some refreshments.

[From Life, November 10, 1952.]

Alice B. Toklas and Liberation Through Fruitcake

Lidian47@gmail.com (Lidian) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 16:46:00 +0000

I am illustrating this with a lovely 1950s ad* for candied fruit. I don't know why, but I like this ad so much that it very nearly makes me want to go bake something with candied fruit in it. I do have some in the cupboard. But the impulse will probably pass.

I think it will, because I have just seen the recipe for writer/culinary expert/Gertrude Stein companion Alice B. Toklas' Liberation Cake. Do you have any idea of what Alice expects us to do in order to make a so-called Liberation Cake? Let me boil down her instructions (which are even longer than the following ten points):

1. The day before, sliver up 1 1/2 lbs citron and a pound of candied cherries. Wash and dry 2 pounds of white currants and then cover them with brandy. Oh, and blanch, dry and chop a pound and a half of almonds.

2. Next day, rouse yourself and cream a pound of sugar with a pound of butter. Add 12 egg yolks, one by one. Drain and dry off the currants. Add them to the citron and cherries. Sift a pound of flour over the fruits and stir it in so they don't stick together. Then sieve the whole thing to get rid of the extra flour.

3. Take the flour you got rid of - don't throw it out! - and add: 2 tsps cinnamon, 1 tsp mace, 1 tsp nutmeg and 1/2 tsp cloves. Now sift it into the egg/sugar/butter mixture, in small amounts, stirring after each bit. Add the almonds...which she says are now ground almonds although the instructions are to chop them. When did they get ground? Never mind, chuck them in along with a cup of your best brandy and 3/4 cup orange-flower or rose water, whichever you have handy.

4. No, you're not done yet. Not by a long shot, mister or missy. Now beat up 12 egg whites - oh yeah, you were supposed to save those. Beat them up - I don't know for how long, Alice does not say. But fold them into the batter lightly when you think they look OK. Now fold in the fruits. Chuck the batter into pans that you have lined with buttered brown paper. Oh - you haven't done that yet? Better get busy!

5. Bake for 4 hours. It doesn't day how many pans you'll need but the recipe does make 12 pounds of fruitcake. During those 4 hours, you may want to collapse onto the nearest sofa. Make sure you are awake when the oven timer goes off, though.

6. No, you're nowhere near being done now that they're out of the oven. You must put on a full inch of almond paste and then the usual royal icing goes on top of that.

7. You need to have already made the almond paste, buddy. Take 1/2 pound of blanched and dried almonds in a mortar and pound them into a paste. Add to this a pound of sugar and a teaspoon each of vanilla and orange-flower water. Stir over low heat until smooth. This must be done in a heavy enamel saucepan. If you do not have one, stop and go out to buy one. When done, turn it onto a marble slab (if you do not have one, you know what to do) and knead in a couple of tablespoons of powdered sugar.

8. OK, I think you're about done now.

9. Feel liberated, don't you?

10.That's why it is called Liberation Cake.

*From Life, December 8, 1952. The recipe for Liberation Cake is from my 1964 Doubleday paperback edition of The Alice B. Toklas Cookbook (first pub. 1954), p. 236.

The Best Tie To Wear In A Blizzard

Lidian47@gmail.com (Lidian) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 15:17:00 +0000

This here is no ordinary tie: it's a Nor-East tie! Strong enough to withstand a Nor'easter (in case you happen to out in a formal-dress-only winter storm). It is uncrushable, this tie. Probably made of asbestos, too.

File this gift idea along with the Jade East: the inevitable Christmas Tie! Yes, that's the ticket. Get him a tie. Guys sure love getting ties, right? You can't see this man's face, but I am sure he looks thrilled. The woman looks startled. Maybe she forgot what she bought him. Maybe she's stunned that he actually likes it.

I'm stunned that Wembley thinks a tie needs to be strong enough to withstand being crushed and stamped on and twisted up by a pro wrestler and knotted like a rope on a commercial fishing boat. I mean, you put on a tie, it just stays there, right? The most trauma it ever gets is the odd splash of tomato sauce from those three-martini business lunches.

If you get a guy two ties you can reenact the old joke where the mother gets her son two ties. He wears one the next day. She gives him a look and sighs: So - I guess you didn't like the other one.

[From Life, December 8, 1952. Larger version over here.]

A Blizzard of Downyflakes

Lidian47@gmail.com (Lidian) — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 14:56:00 +0000

It's contest time again!

Downyflake Waffles, whose name is more suitable to wash powder (and best not delve into that too deeply) want you to complete a sycophantic quatrain, and they're willing to make your pockets jingle with anywhere from $10 to $5000 dollars. That was a lot of money in 1956; my mother's grocery bill around this time was $10 a week in New York City, so you can translate that into 2009 money. And as for the $5000, it was a year's grocery money. In other words, it was a whole lot of dough (or waffle batter).

But I don't like the idea of the jingling pockets too much because this implies that you're getting the prize money in Downyflake's leftover change. I guess they went around to everyone in the company asking for loose pennies and nickels. You'd be jingling all right if you won $5000 in pennies, would you not?

So here's the deal. You're supposed to finish this little poetic gem:

Frozen Downyflake 1-Minute Waffles
With homemakers really do rate
Wonderfully tasty, so simple to serve....

-You'll want to eat seven or eight
-They get cold if you leave them too late
-No thank you, I already ate
-That aftertaste soon will abate
-Those downy flakes sure wash clothes great!*

There are some rhymes for rate over here, if you want to give it a bash.

And if you'd like more retro contest amusement, here's an Old Dutch Cleanser jingle contest and a caption-the-baby-picture contest. The enormous version of the ad is over here; this is from Life, September 24, 1956 (which gave you a couple of months to think of jingles).

*They may not choose this one as part of their advertising campaign, though.

Glen Plaid Gauchos And An Entertaining Little Jumpsuit

Lidian47@gmail.com (Lidian) — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 17:22:00 +0000

Well, you know, Simplicity, women actually wore trousers prior to 1970. Blue jeans in the 50s and 60s, and polyester pants, things like that.

But this picture, from one of my mother's sewing booklets (dated 1970) is so much fun I had to share it with you. The copy is fun, too (link to big version where you can read it is below). Simplicity suggests "glen plaid gauchos to shop in, [and] a striped jersey wool jumpsuit to entertain in." It is guaranteed that you'll be very entertaining wearing a striped knee-length jumpsuit. And the pale-blue glen plaid gauchos are also amusing.

I need to wrap all the presents today (which will translate into wrapping some of them, but as many as possible, anyway) so this will be a quick post. I can't wait to do some posts on the fabulously nutty retro cookbook I found last week - I don't want to spoil anything but we will all be learning to make wheelbarrows out of toast, for one thing.

I might wait until after Christmas for that. We will probably need a few extra laughs in January, when all the eggnog is gone and the tree is down and so on.

For today - dig those gauchos! And the laced-up boots the legs in the middle are wearing - are they not fabulous? If only I could find those in a secondhand store...

The big version is here. And here is some bonus Monday music from the album Gaucho by Steely Dan from 1980, "Hey Nineteen." In my case it would have been Hey, Eighteen. Close enough.

Santa Takes A Break

Lidian47@gmail.com (Lidian) — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 16:38:00 +0000

The dog is really cute. Love the doggie! He is not taking any breaks though, no sir, though he will be pretty soon, I hope. He might not want to wear that outfit for too long. Kudos and a large dog biscuit to you, my friend.

But the Jolly Life Size Santa? I find him a little - off-putting. What's he doing hanging around outside the house, anyway? Shouldn't he be getting things ready for the 24th? I know I am. Wrapping, panicking, tidying up, trying to find that terrific gift I bought back in September and hid in such a great place that now I can't find it (true story).

The Life Size Santa is 5'9" (which is "almost six feet tall," apparently - maybe he has 3" heels on those boots) and you stuff him full of newspaper and place him in a lounging position by your door. Or on your roof or "by the fireplace" (mind the plastic though).

But I kind of like how he's sitting on the fence, looking so carefree, even though it's his Busy Season. He must know some good relaxation secrets. Or else he's delegated everything to the elves. He is the CEO after all. And he was made in Miami, so he's probably been in Florida all year, relaxing.

Maybe he could just come inside for a minute and help me find that gift I hid so well last fall.

[From Life, November 19, 1971. Really big version here. Not as big as that Life-Size Santa, but still.]

Get This Party Started

Lidian47@gmail.com (Lidian) — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 16:23:00 +0000

Other Things This Party Needs Besides Cheap Drinks

1. Guys who don't use orange self-tanner.
2. More chairs.
3. Music.
4. Snacks.
5. Different party location. No one can socialize in a white box!

The host of this rather austere party is "noted screen and TV comedian" Jack Carter and the seated lady is his wife/co-party-host, actress Paula Stewart. I thought that the host(ess) wasn't supposed to hog the only chair.

Wikipedia says that Paula Stewart has been flying planes since she was 17, which is really cool. She was married to Burt Bacharach in the 1950s.

At the Wikipedia link (click on her name above) you can see a bit of this very advertisement, which is from Life, December 8, 1961.

Oh, and back in 2008 I wrote a post called Get This Party Ended, which shows you the end result of the cheap drinks.

The Mystery of the Magic Fire Crayon

Lidian47@gmail.com (Lidian) — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 18:22:00 +0000

Some deep philosophical questions, in no particular order:

- What are these Magic Crayons made out of?

- If it is like neon, that means it is not neon. What is it, then?

- How long does the advertising message "burn"? It has to be at least 10 seconds, because you will be making a sale in that amount of time. You "walk-in, walk-out." That is, walk in, set some shopkeeper's window on fire by writing "Everything Half Price," damage window, and walk out. Don't forget your amazing cash profit though!

- How can a "lazy man" make four sales a day, isn't he going to be busy sitting at home in his Barcalounger?

- Who is Fuller?

- And why you would be making exactly $7.65 per order? How did they arrive at that precise number?

- And finally: the math. If you make $7.65 profit with each sale, ten sales will equal a profit of $76.50, right? So how could Fuller have made $79 on only seven sales?

- Answer: The extra must have been for selling his brushes on the side.

[From Popular Science, April 1960. Another amazing product from Chicago, by the way!]

Is That A Tiny Vacuum Cleaner In Your Pocket?

Lidian47@gmail.com (Lidian) — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 12:53:00 +0000

Is that a tiny vacuum cleaner in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Say it in a Mae West voice, see if he gets the little joke. What little joke? you ask. Well, looky what General Electric has for wives wanting to hint around that they would just love a nice new vacuum cleaner!

Yes, it is a miniature model of a vacuum cleaner. Your local GE dealer is waiting to hand one to you - "and it won't cost you a red cent."

So you take it home (says GE) and stick a little note inside the tiny vacuum. What will the note say? Not anything obvious like "I want this!" No, it will have the dealer's name and address on it. And then you put it in your husband's pocket and wait until he discovers it.

"Hey, that's not my keys! What - what is this? Who is this Lou Hooverific fellow? Is this some kind of funny business? Are you two-timing me with a vacuum salesman?"

But don't worry, he will catch on almost immediately. GE says so. But I'm not sure you'd know, right off the bat, how to interpret it when your spouse starts getting miniature versions of things they want and stuffing them in your pockets. You'll look at your kid's dollhouse and dolls in a whole new light now. Barbie has a nice set of fancy jewelry and luggage. On the other hand, the furniture in that dollhouse looks like someone's been chewing on it. Which isn't much different than what you've already got.

Instead of the note, maybe you'd better just write him a letter and stick it in the old vacuum cleaner. And then put that out in the hallway where he can trip over it. That'll do the trick.

[From Life, December 7, 1953. Big version here.

Truth Or Virginia Dare

Lidian47@gmail.com (Lidian) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 14:29:00 +0000

In these days of worry, work, stress and strain we all must "keep our chins up."

Especially while drinking, 'cause if you don't keep your chin up that delicious stuff will spill right down your front.

And yes, Virginia, there really is a face in your glass of cheap wine. How did she get in there? And many glasses have you had, anyhow?

[From Life, November 22, 1943.]

P.S. The real Virginia Dare was the first English child born in the New World, in 1587.]

Here Comes Sanka Claus

Lidian47@gmail.com (Lidian) — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 13:42:00 +0000

Meet Uncle Joe. He is the 1940s edition of Scrooge - rich and mean - "a tight-fisted old grouch." Yeah, that sounds about right. So "we" - the cheery nephew narrating the ad - thought it would be a "good joke" to get him to play Santa Claus at the family Christmas party.

"We" have clearly given up on that inheritance, haven't we? I don't know why Uncle Joe even agreed to it but he seems to have promised to wear a red suit and show up at 8 pm to do the Santa thing.

Guess what happens next? Uncle Joe is a no-show.

So Cheery Nephew bounces over to Uncle Joe's palace at 9:30 to find him fast asleep. Because Joe says he drank coffee the night before and didn't sleep a wink. And everyone knows that you need at least one wink of sleep per night.

After Joe grumbles and whines about coffee for awhile, the cheery young nephew suggests - Sanka! But Uncle Joe does not get his Sanka until he has heaved himself out of his comfy chair and done a whole vaudeville ho-ho-ho act for the kiddies. He has to work for it, you know.

And the Sankafied version of Uncle Joe is able to sleep all night - untroubled by the ghosts of coffees past. He turns up again the next day, transformed into a happy, sappy bundle of goodwill, in the last picture. I see he brought at least one present, too.

Grinning and carrying one present isn't quite Scrooge on Christmas morning, cavorting and giggling and ordering large turkeys for poor folk, but it's a start.

And this ad also gives all you literary folks a little hint for your next research paper. For here is the true motivation behind Scrooge's initial bitterness and his amazing overnight transformation:

Scrooge just needed to be decaffeinated, that's all.

The great big version is over here - it'll be easier to see the whole ridiculous story there (if I put a huge image in the blog post it slows things down a lot, so it's better to do it this way). The ad is from Life, December 23, 1940.

******
Many many thanks to FeeFiFoto who suggested that I write about coffee today, in response to my Twittering about how much I needed coffee to inspire me to write another post.

And Happy Retro Tuesday! Please join my friend Tracy at The Crazy Suburban Mom for Retro Tuesday - she has an amazing Jell-O based post up today (how can you possibly resist that?)

By the way, I just noticed that Sunday's post, "Startling Detecto," was Kitchen Retro's 600th...Speaking of startling. I had no idea I'd been going on and on so much. And for so long! I know, I still need to bring the rest of the WordPress archives of Kitchen Retro over here - I'll be putting that on my New Year's Resolutions list, which is getting pretty long. We'll be talking about New Year's - well, nearer to New Year's.

Mind The Bottle, Liz

Lidian47@gmail.com (Lidian) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 12:58:00 +0000

Things To Remember While Wrapping Presents

by Ersatz Elizabeth Taylor

1. Dress up in favorite at-home lounging outfit: black skintight toreador pants, a black leotard, a sparkly gold cinch belt and earrings I made myself out of the iced tops of two cupcakes.

2. Sit in awkward cross-legged position on floor. May never be able to get up again. Do not think about this.

3. Also, do not move upper arms. In fact, cannot move upper arms.

3. Place bottle of delicious, sparkling, refreshing Pepsi-Cola (without moving upper arms, of course) right near present, ribbon, wrapping paper and Scotch tape. One false move - one move of any kind at all, in fact - and it's going down! Pepsi will be everywhere. OK, better not move at all then.

4. Do not look at present I am wrapping. This is key: never look directly at the present. Do not know why, though.

5. Also do not know exactly why am I giving someone a birdcage. With a bird in it! When did I even buy this? How am I supposed to get the wrapping paper around it? What is going on?

6. Next time, try and think things through a little better.

[The bigger version is here; from Life, December 13, 1954.]

Startling Detecto

Lidian47@gmail.com (Lidian) — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 15:14:00 +0000

A Detecto scale is not "a perfect gift." Nor is a laundry hamper. And as for the little aluminum wastebasket - not so much, either. This ad ran during the Christmas season of 1949, so it was definitely aimed at the holiday shopper.

Most people do not associate weighing themselves with a good time during the holidays. Consider all those cookies and eggnog and chocolate Santas and so on. Who wants to unwrap a Detecto scale on Christmas morning? No one, that's who. And it comes complete with unspoken messages! Those are always fun.

Nor is a laundry hamper a wonderful gift idea - even if it is "the World's Most Beautiful Hamper." You didn't even know there was a competition among laundry hampers, did you? Well, there was - and this is the winner. Good thing we can't see the losers. And it's also good that the dirty laundry is not included. I hope.

And finally, the aluminum waste basket. Another festive gift idea that will thrill anyone and make what Detecto calls "the supreme gift." That's what you call it if you buy the scale, hamper and waste basket as a set - supreme. Basically, you're telling the recipient that they're fat, throw dirty clothes on the floor and have a lot of trash. Hey, happy holidays!

I am sure that the recipients would think of some other words besides supreme for this.

[From Life, December 5, 1949.]