Kitchen Retro

A Soothing Prickly Pear

noreply@blogger.com (Lidian) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 15:25:00 +0000

Prickly pears

The fruit of the Nopal cactus has been used for generations by various indigenous peoples as a healing substance; they are grown in Mexico, and in many places in the United States, from the northwest all the way to New England and up into southern Canada. They are also grown in southern Europe and the Middle East. They are sometimes known as paddle cactus or cactus figs.

The Opuntia ficus-indica, also known as Indian fig or prickly pear, is one of the best known of the Nopal species. The prickly pear has culinary as well as medicinal uses, and was realtively easily avaialble in the United States by the 19th century. In 1889, Hester Martha Hunt recommended them in her Fruits and How to Use Them; she advised the reader to eat them sliced and dusted with powdered sugar. And Thomas Jefferson Murrey's 1884 book on Murrey's Salads and Sauces featured a Prickly-Pear Salad similar to Hunt's recipe - but with added lashings of orange juice and "a wineglassful of brandy."

Prickly pear for sale in Mexico

The Nopal cactus is frequently used in Mexican cuisine in everything from egg dishes to candy, jelly and beverages. In Mexico, too, they are traditionally used for medicinal purposes, especially as an anti-inflammatory. You can enjoy both the delicious taste and health benefits of the Nopal cactus in a wellness drink called Nopalea, available from Trivita, a company that's been concerned with people's physical, emotional and spiritual health since 2000. Opuntia cactus (and Nopalea, of course) contain all kinds of antioxidants that have been proven to help relieve inflammation in the joints and muscles. Nopalea can be drunk daily to help neutralize toxins in the body, reduce inflammation, and help the body in general as a tonic. If you or someone you know suffers from inflammatory problems in joints and muscles, or digestive problems, you might want to give Nopalea a try; you can try it for free ($9.95 shipping) by calling Trivita at 1-800-203-7063.

[Images from Wikimedia Commons.]

Jerry's Valentine Vision

noreply@blogger.com (Lidian) — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 18:51:00 +0000

When you look at life through rose-tinted glasses - or rose-tinted Valentine's eyeglass frames - you just feel better. Unlike Jerry and Jane. Jerry used to be so romantic on Valentine’s Day, but now - well, now he’s just a big grump to poor Jane. A big grump, apparently, with indigestion. And she really just wants to be his Valentine. And him to be a little more like Valentino.

Well, she also would like some fancy chocolates in a heart shaped box, but that’s just a corollary, really. In this little 1941 saga, Jane solves her problem (i.e. Jerry’s unromantic indigestion) with a little Milk of Magnesia. Yes, not only does Milk of Magnesia calm the GI tract, it also inspires romance! It is just amazement in a blue bottle, is what it is.

But you know, there are probably better ways to inspire and recharge your significant other. Because maybe he or she just needs to be able to see better. Maybe they need perking up with some new eyeglasses frames. So instead of heading for the medicine cabinet, why not try some of Zenni Optical’s cute Valentine’s Day themed eyeglasses? These frames with little sparkly hearts on the sides would be just ideal. They have lots of other Valentine’s-themed frames, too. All at prices that won’t upset your stomach - or your pocketbook.

Zenni is the top online eyeglasses store where you can get prescription glasses for amazing prices. You can go check all the different colors and styles of eyeglasses that they offer and be sure to find one that will put you (and anyone else you have in mind) in the right sort of holiday mood. And not only that, but your Valentine-visioned Valentino will be able to spot just the right box of fancy chocolates to get you.

Dishing With Pocketchange About Kitchen Retro

noreply@blogger.com (Lidian) — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 14:08:00 +0000

This week the creative and delightful folks over at Pocketchange - the shopping blog and blog-central part of Become.com - were kind enough to interview me and asked me all sorts of questions about how Kitchen Retro got started and my thoughts on blogging in general and on pop culture.

It was a lot of fun to look back on the past 4 years of KR - which was originally going to be just about vintage recipes. The first existing KR post from January 2008 (the very first one I think I deleted, it was about the Duke and Duchess of Windsor's favorite desert) is about macaroons. And another was called Dishing About Junket - and neither of these posts have any funny retro ads in them (maybe I can find some to add in).

The Duchess will have a ruby on top, please

And speaking of dishing: this week Kitchen Retro is Pocketchange's featured blog! You can read the interview here*(and I hope you do) - and while you're over there, do check out all the other cool stuff they have got, including their tips center - which I've bookmarked for all the occasions when I need some quick advice on everything from baking (I can always use some help here) to gardening (will this grey-thumbed city kid ever get a herb garden to thrive? - maybe this year!).

Many thanks to Max and everyone at Pocketchange for featuring Kitchen Retro this week - it was a pleasure to work with you! And now I'm going to go look for some amusing Junket ads. I really wish there was one featuring the Duchess of Windsor. But this could never have been. Because the Junket people didn't have any giant rubies to put on her Junket instead of a cherry.

*There's a widget on the lefthand sidebar of this very page that also links to this.

The Hidden Glasses Mystery

noreply@blogger.com (Lidian) — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 17:46:00 +0000

Bigger version here

I love a good mystery almost as much as I love Virginia Dare wine ads, so let's all put on our deerstalker hats, take up our magnifying glasses and solve the 1941 Mystery of the Hidden Glasses!

The story begins with a dejected couple who have just hosted a party. A terrible party, it seems. Was it Bob's excessive use of Brylcreem that upset the guests? Or perhaps Peggy's black pencilled parentheses eyebrows upset them. But wait. Here's a clue: the half-full glasses on the mantelpiece. And behind the potted palms. And under the coffee table:

Look, Peggy, our guests left their glasses still full and hid them! What a flop our party was.

I'm so embarrassed I could cry but friend Alice was here...she'll tell me the trouble.

Yes, Friend Alice will tell it to you straight. So put on your best miniature sombrero and let Alice introduce you to her little friend named....Virginia Dare. Who has been hiding in Alice's liquor cabinet all this time holding a little tray of booze! Yes, it's 10am but why not, have a snort, Peggy. It's "grand-tasting" all right. Also smooth. And "it's so different" that it will make your party "an instant hit."

You know what's coming, don't you, in Act 3? Of course you do, Scooby Doo. Everyone comes to Peggy's next party - armed with full hip flasks and thermos bottles - but wow, they certainly love Virginia Dare wine, "America's Great Social Drink." Yum yum. And it's so cheap, too. "What a help to our budget," cheapskate Peggy says - not too loudly, one hopes. But I don't think anyone is listening.

I just wish that this all ended with Virginia Dare being revealed to be Old Man Muggins, hardened jewel thief on the run, in a devious rubber mask and some bedsheets. And then Scooby and Shaggy could go make enormous sandwiches out of what Peggy's got in the fridge. Although she's probably just got a lot of Spam in there. Don't worry, guys - maybe Virginia has the good cold cuts hidden on another tray in her cabinet.

Want some more Virginia Dare? Of course you do, it is so smooth and delicious. And cheap. Here you go:

Bill and the Magic Bottle
A Zesty After-Dinner Plot
The Accidental Wine Expert
Truth or Virginia Dare

Mrs. Dooley's Nightmare

noreply@blogger.com (Lidian) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 13:24:00 +0000

Gallery of Graphic Design (bigger version here)

This is just not what you need after a hard day of housework, is it? Or really, after a day of anything. Little pieces of anthropomorphized dirty laundry with the faces of hardened Bad Guys, and flexible black spoons for limbs, enter your dreams. And they have plenty to say to you when they do.

Tommy's Blouse is happy to announce that "you'll have to rub my perspiration streaks till your back aches." Tim's Rompers are proud to be "all smudged up with grime you can't get out." I guess Tommy and Tim are small grimy boys. Although maybe one is the husband and one the child. I can't quite decide which is which, though (let me know if you can).

And as for the Bathroom Towel, well, he is glad to tell you that "dirt from people rubbing me" will also turn your day into a waking nightmare. And make your knuckles sore, too.

All this has turned Mrs. Dooley into a line drawing whose sleep is "haunted" by "dirty, greasy spots." Happily though, her fancy friend just happens to have brought her some P and G Naphtha Soap.

Coincidence? I think not. The lady in the bowler hat is probably Tim's Rompers in disguise. Because even if the clothes get clean, Mrs. Dooley's knuckles are still going to be pretty sore from scrubbing.

Walgreens: Reliable As An Old Fashioned Ice Cream Soda

noreply@blogger.com (Lidian) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 06:01:00 +0000

This is a Sponsored post written by me on behalf of Walgreens for SocialSpark. All opinions are 100% mine.

This Victorian soda fountain is typical of those that were found in drugstores back at the turn of the century (it's from the Pharmacy Museum in New Orleans, by the way). Just like today, people back then liked to go to their local drugstore and depended on it for great service, familiar surroundings, and everything they might need at a pharmacy - whether that meant some medicine, or an ice cream soda.

Well, Walgreens wants its customers to depend upon them in just the same way. You see, as of January 1st, Walgreens and Express Scripts pharmacy provider network are no longer partners. This applies to all US Walgreens stores as well as all Duane Reade pharmacies in New York.

Of course, this is going to cause Walgreens or Duane Reade customers who also get prescriptions there a fair bit of stress and worry. They worry that they'll have to pay more, and if they have to go to a new pharmacy, well that can be stressful, too. I know I like going places that are convenient and that I am familiar with - you get to know the store and the people who work there. And since Walgreens has 24 hour service in many stores, and drive ins, as well as great discounts - well, that's going to be a dilemma for people wanting to fill their prescriptions.

Only patients under some insurance plans will be affected by this, so do check with your pharmacist or look on the back of your prescription insurance card. If Express Scripts isn't mentioned on the back of the card, you haven't been affected.

But whatever your card says, you are going to love what Walgreens has decided to do to help their customers. They are offering a special discount on the Prescription Savings Club at Walgreens. You can get a family membership (including you, your spouse and all dependents younger than 22) for only $10 a year. And with it you'll get discounts on over 8000 brand name and generic medications. You'll also be able to get discounts on things like flu shots and pet prescriptions, nebulizers and diabetic supplies. You can even get bonuses when you purchase Walgreens brand name products or take your photos in to get developed in-store. You can also join the Walgreens Prescription Savings Club as an individual for $5, and get the same great benefits.

Want to keep in the loop about Walgreens and their Prescription Savings Club? I really like Walgreens so am Liking Walgreens on Facebook* and following Walgreens on Twitter at @Walgreens - you can do this too, and keep up-to-date on things like sales and special offers, as well as general news. And you can continue to go to your own favorite Walgreens, just like people have always liked to do. You can even get some Walgreens brand ice cream (lowfat or Premium) for some old-fashioned ice cream sodas, while you're at it.

*If you Like Walgreens on Facebook (now through the end of February), they will be donating $1 for every Like to the Way to Well Commitment, which supports wellness initiatives in local communities, which is very good news right there. [Image above from Wikimedia Commons, by the way]

The Bull in Elsie Time

noreply@blogger.com (Lidian) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 20:30:00 +0000

Elsie the Cow started shilling for Borden's back in 1936, and all through the middle decades of the 20th century, the poor thing never took a break. Not only did she have to push things like Borden's milk, ice cream, Hemo (a vitamin drink) and all the fab things you could make with them - she had to put up with Elmer.

Elmer the Bull was her rageball (ragebull?) husband. Fun fact: he was later used by Borden's chemical division as the spokesbull for Elmer's Glue. Yes, the very same Elmer who helped facilitate all those horrible grade school craft projects. So it's kind of ironic that he's such a perfectionist.

Elsie prevails, though. Always. Her steely cheeriness not only helps her triumph over Elmer's loudmouthed foolery - but also won her accolades: honorary degrees such as Doctor of Bovinity and Doctor of Ecownomics (apparently). But Elmer? Not so much as a Masters of Bullosophy or even a Bachelors in Glue-ography.*

The bigger version is here if you want to read the whole crabby story. The short version? A skewed version of Robert Frost's poem about that cow who ate too many fermented apples and got a little fermented herself:

The Bull in Elsie Time

Something inspires Elmer the always-crabby bull
To bellow just because the dining table's full,
Concluding that Elsie and the calves are fools.
His face is not attractive, but he rules
The airwaves and the house. Having tasted dessert
He scorns apologies, yet seems less curt.
And Elsie runs kitchenwards to sweeten
Both Elmer's furious ways, and what they've eaten.
She loads the plates. When Elmer makes one last cry
Of outrage when he fails to notice pie,
She thinks: someday, I'll kick him to the sky.

The actual poem, "The Cow in Apple Time," by Robert Frost, is here.

*Sorry, that's the best I can do.

Jack's Catfit

noreply@blogger.com (Lidian) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 19:02:00 +0000

Big version here

I just can't get over how pleased this gal is about Jack having a - heh - catfit. Gee, that was terrific when his head swelled up like a purple balloon and he shouted so loud the pictures fell off the wall! Tee hee, I laughed myself silly!

You probably can tell what a catfit is just from the sound of it, and the context. But I must tell you that The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines "catfit" as "a conniption." And a conniption is indeed one big ranting, raving, screaming session, usually brought on by having spent three hours in a Wal-Mart on Saturday afternoon or when something gets stuck in the VCR. Ah, modern life! But this is the 1930s Jack is coping with and his problem has to do with the oil his gal has laughingly put into their car.

He ranted around about me being the ruination of our new car - if I didn't stop buying every new bargain oil that came along.

Where is she finding all these bargain oils? In the grocery store, perhaps. Still, it is always best not to Rant Around. This makes Jack seem like the personification of that retro bovine rageball, Elmer the Bull. Now, Elsie the Cow would just hand Elmer a piece of pie* and tell him to stop bellowing. But Jack, after tiring himself out with his catfit, "trotted out the atlas and gave [her] a lecture on Pennsylvania Oils with the emblem."

Yes, Jack, that's fascinating. From now on, I promise to buy oil with the little emblem you like on it. Now please shut up! Look, here's a piece of pie. Our new next door neighbor Elsie made it.

*Yes, I'm going to write about some Elsie ads pretty soon. There are a lot of them and they are just the sort of thing for Kitchen Retro.

The Melon Shell Game

noreply@blogger.com (Lidian) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 16:47:00 +0000

1940 ad, big version here

Wouldn't you like to impress all the wealthy matrons down at the Newton Lawn Fete, whatever that was? Oh, you would? I'm not surprised. Who wouldn't want to surprise stuffy Mrs. Bradley, wife of the Bank President, and tell her that your mayo is NOT "one of those store-bought salad dressings." No ma'am, it's store-bought mayo. Big difference!

This is how you too can be "prouder than a peacock" at your next Lawn Fete:

First, put on your fanciest pink hat. And make sure your dress has a floppy white collar that can pinch-hit as a napkin (make sure Mrs. Bradley isn't looking when you use it to wipe your mouth).

After you've done that, go get a big jar of Hellmann's mayonnaise from the pantry. Yes, if you are the wife of a lowly bank clerk, and you want Madame Bank President to notice you, make sure you serve a startling combo of mayo and fruit.

Yes, people who can afford to have Cook make them aîoli from scratch every night are going to be totally amazed when you present your Melon Shell Salad - that would be some cut up fruit in a hollowed-out cantaloupe rind - and douse it with Hellmann's.Just add some fruit juice to it and call it - are you ready? - Fruit Juice Mayonnaise.

No, don't bother with sweetened crème fraiche or a plum-raspberry coulis. Just treat your dessert like a tuna sandwich. That'll make the high and mighty sit up and take notice. And if it doesn't, you can always try putting some of Hot Dan's mustard in your lemon meringue pie.

Finally, don't forget to drop in on Mrs. Bradley the next day and present her with her very own jar of Hellmann's. Yes, she will be really pleased to see you again. It will make your day when she finally rouses herself to say, as she nudges you ever closer to the back door, "I'm so glad to have Cook see it." Why, before you know it you'll be hob-nobbing with the Bradleys and your husband will become the Vice President of the bank.

Or else you and Cook will get to be friends as you do Mrs. B's grocery shopping together. One or the other.

My Life Saver Friend

noreply@blogger.com (Lidian) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 14:37:00 +0000

LJ Vintage Ads [big version here]

This is why you should always carry a pack of Life Savers wherever you go. Because maybe someday you'll be sitting on a plane and a Cute Person is sitting across the aisle whining to the steward/stewardess that their mouth is dry and they need a drink, stat! Because "these champagne farewells" leave your mouth so very dry, darling.

The girl in this late 1930s ad actually says this. Look at me, I'm a fancy starlet with wealthy friends. What a show-off.

But Life Saver dude is very impressed and offers her an attractively-named Molas-O-Mint (and he'd better be quick about it because they weren't on the market for very long*). Yum, molasses! That'll dry up your mouth some more. Because those molasses hellos are even worse than champagne farewells.

But naturally this impresses Miss Starlet and she ends up introducing the pink-cheeked Not-F.-Scott-Fitzgerald to "about half the people in Hollywood." The half who who make cheap costume dramas and then swill champagne, seemingly.

And guess how she introduces him. Not as Biff Gatsby** or whatever his name is but as "my Life Saver friend." And then supposedly she writes him a note about how amazing molasses and mint Life Savers are. As if this would ever really happen. I think maybe Biff did a little creative writing there, fueled by the strange power of molasses and mint affecting his brain.

*See Wikipedia here: Molas-o-Mint Life Savers were made in the late 30s to early 40s. Oh, and it says here that they were only available specifically between 1936 and 1942. If you even care, I mean.

**That would be The Great Gatsby's cousin from Tulsa (which is where the Life Saver guy says he's from while he's reading the letter).

The Tasti-Diet Tomato Queen

noreply@blogger.com (Lidian) — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 20:16:00 +0000

1954 ad, big version here

Tillie Lewis (1904-77) - born Myrtle Ehrlich - was a business tycoon and diet diva who was named National Business Woman of the Year in 1951. She learned the food business from her grocer husband, and after they divorced she moved to Stockton, California and began her own business of importing pomodoro tomatoes to the US, with the help of a partner. She paid off her business partner by 1937 and became full owner of the company, Flotill Foods. She expanded the business to include canned foods, and Flotill supplied most of the canned goods sent to US troops during the Korean War.

By the early 1950s, Tillie was a millionaire (by 1971 annual sales of Tillie Lewis Foods were more than $90 million a year). A Time article in 1951 called Tillie "the world's tomato queen" and quoted her as protesting the St. Regis Hotel in New York charging her a dollar for 2 tomatoes. "You tell Vincent Astor that these tomatoes cost him no more than 5 cents apiece, that's 1000% profit," she snapped to the waiter. I'm not sure why she ordered 2 tomatoes on a tray, though. Maybe it was for some kind of diet dish.

Oh, there's the lead-in to the point of this post. I knew it was in here somewhere. Anyway, in the early 1950s Tillie Lewis started her own line of diet products with the slightly dubious name Tasti-Diet Foods. These were about the earliest artificially sweetened products ever.Saccharin was involved, I guess. Lots and lots of it - in the "chocolatey topping," in the Dietetic Peaches, and probably even in that Whipped Diet Dressing that some asparagus have been trapped under.

The Tasti-Diet line was quite successful. The Vanderbilt Hotel in new York even created a special Tasti-Diet menu in 1953 and by the time this ad came out in 1954 the foods were being sold all across the US.

The ad makes it sound like Lewis was made famous by going on a diet and that was why she was America's First Woman of Foods. Nary a mention of her canny business sense or her canning empire! That is Tillie in the black dress, white apron and triple strand of pearls, showing some other normal-weight ladies her canned fruit. Interestingly, according to Carolyn Thomas de la Pena in her book about artificial sweeteners, Empty Pleasures,* Tillie Lewis had actually never been overweight or had to diet. She was just really, really good at selling her products.

*There is a whole lot more about Tillie and the Tasti-Diet line in this book, which I recommend!

It's Only A Paper Punch Bowl

noreply@blogger.com (Lidian) — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 17:44:00 +0000

It may be only a paper moon sailing over a cardboard sea, like the song says - that's true. But you can also throw a New Year's party for all your rowdy friends using nothing but paper, according to this 1952 ad.

This is just what we all need to get for tomorrow night: a nice paper punch bowl that looks like an"old oaken bucket." Forget about that Waterford crystal punch bowl and the matching cups that you have stashed in the china closet.

Because on New Year's Eve you just know that someone's going to break something. But they won't be able to crack that paper bucket, now, will they? No sir, they will not.

And you know what else you can get? How about a crepe paper candlestick? Oh, don't worry! It is "fire-proofed for extra safety." And you'll have a bucket of punch to toss on the crepe paper candlestick just in case, anyway. Yes, this is going to be some party, all right.

Underwear For Arrogant Onions

noreply@blogger.com (Lidian) — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 17:13:00 +0000

How's Your Refrigerator Strategy?

Oh, it's fine thank you, how's yours? But really, it doesn't actually have a strategy, you see. Because it's an appliance and doesn't have a brain or anything. So it doesn't think. And my strategy is to just put stuff in it and keep it clean and - oh yes, and not to anthropomorphize bowls by putting underwear on them.

Pillsbury had other ideas, though. Hence this 1937 ad for oiled-silk refrigerator bowl covers called, if you can believe it - Pantry Panties.

Yes, this really could be the worst named product of the 20th century. Just because the words sound almost alike does not mean that they should ever, ever be put together in the same phrase.

Whoever wrote the ad copy just didn't think it all through, that's all. They were so pleased with their odious little phrase that they kind of lost the plot. Why else would you write that PPs are edged with "firm, live elastic" so that your "insistent fish, arrogant onions or riotous cheese" can be contained. This gives rise to all sorts of dreadful images that I am not even going to start on. Ugh.

But maybe they did realize that this was starting to sound weird and gross, because right after that they change the subject and go on and on about Pillsbury Sno Sheen Cake Flour and how amazing your every cake will be if you use it. Oh, and if there's any cake left over, you know what you can slap on it, don't you? Just make sure you keep it well away from those arrogant onions - and from the cheese riot going on on the top shelf of the fridge.

The big version is right here, if you really want to know more.

The Aristo-Mats

noreply@blogger.com (Lidian) — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 16:24:00 +0000

I hope that you are all having a great holiday. I have always liked the between-Christmas-and-New-Year's week because there's nothing to wrap, bake, or make, and there should be some leftovers in the fridge, why not have a look?

And in direct opposition to this lady from 1953, I'm glad nobody thought of giving me an Aristo-mat for Christmas.

But supposing you are cooking out in your backyard, or maybe even in outer space, out in the darkness, trying to make a turkey dinner by starlight - watch where you put that casserole dish, and mind the onions...

(And no, I don't even know what I mean by that - I'm still sort of on blogging break, and this is just pre-New Year's drivel, more or less. Still, we'll press on:)

...And suppose that your oven has a sort of radar screen attached to it (perfect for catching space debris, although that may wreak havoc with the potatoes). Wouldn't you also love an Aristo-mat to make your stove look gorgeous? And make you feel like an aristocratic lady (this is pushing it, I know)?

Anyway. You know how Freud used to ask "what do women want?" Now we know. They want "the most beautiful protection their stove tops can get!" They are made of "heavy garage steel." How beautiful is that, huh?Also they can withstand "sharp blows" which is good in case you get mad at the plum pudding.

And not only are Aristo-mats gorgeous and make you feel like you are living in a fancy palace, they will allow you to orbit the earth, cooking Christmas dinner forever.

Yay, that sounds fantastic. Beam me up, Phoenix Table Mat Company of Chicago!

Three Grand Christmas Suggestions

noreply@blogger.com (Lidian) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 18:04:00 +0000

TJS Graphic Design Labs

Well, I haven't finished wrapping stuff, and haven't got any turkey et al yet, and we haven't even put up the tree or anything. But everything is going to be grand, because all I need to do is get in a job lot of Doublemint chewing gum.

I will hang packs of gum all over the tree. And whenever carolers show up at the door, I will hand them packs of gum. Oh, and as for all those presents I haven't got yet? No problem! Everyone will be delighted with their Wrigley's Doublemint, wrapped up in fancy paper under the gum-themed tree.

Yes, we shall have a fine Christmas, all of us chewing gum and admiring decorations made of gum, and aiding our digestion after dinner with more delicious gum. Gum one gum all!

I wish you all a wonderful, gumderful holiday!

Some Inspiring Holiday Eyeglasses

noreply@blogger.com (Lidian) — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 01:20:00 +0000

Meet Francisco de Quevedo y Villegas (18580-1645), a Spanish writer and politician of the Baroque period especially known for his poetry. And as you can see, he was also known for his eyeglasses. Unfortunately, they are very plain - not a bit decorative or artistic. Poor Francisco! No wonder he looks so stern and out of sorts.

When he wrote "my heart, for beauty eagerly athirst" he really didn't mean he wanted to see some lady's "abundant tresses." No, I am sure that he really meant that he wanted some colorful new eyeglass frames. For us glasses wearers - Spanish baroque poets and modern folks alike - a new set of frames is as pleasing as a perfectly rhymed couplet.

Too bad Francisco was born a few centuries too early to get in on ZenniOptical's holiday frames event. But you are luckier by far:

Holiday themed eyeglasses frames from ZenniOptical are here for the season, in all kinds of festive colors and designs - all at Zenni's all-year-round excellent prices. So why not visit ZenniOptical.com and check out all the cute glasses they have that will show your holiday cheer and spirit!

I would love to buy these Christmas tree frames for all the glasses-wearers in my family. I think everyone would love some sunglasses with these frames for all those walks we like to take - even when it's really cold out. And with all the money I'd save on these holiday frames, I could also buy them some books to read with their new glasses, too. Do check out these and the other ZenniOptical holiday frames and let me know in the comments which ones you like the best. And who knows? These Christmas tree glasses might even inspire some poetry, too.

The Great Wall

noreply@blogger.com (Lidian) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 14:13:00 +0000

Well, this is about as close as I could get these images together, but it is kind of fitting to have a little space between them because here we have a story about a Great Wall of Dishes. Too bad Mother can't join the gang in the living room to watch - oh dear, what are they watching? Some twerp who clearly finds himself enormously funny. I don't know if you can see him looking all coy and cutesy. if not, you aren't missing much.

Mother, on the other hand, probably wouldn't care if they were just sitting there watching the test pattern. She just needs a break.

Can you imagine what sort of appetites these people have? They certainly use a lot of dishes, don't they? Why, they even use them to build room dividers. Yet there is only one armchair. And we all know who gets to sit there. So even if Mother manages to point to a Hotpoint (and how will they even see her pointing, by the way), she'll have to stand behind little Bobby and Jane.

If I were Mother, I'd also be pointing to a nice couch. Well, as I sneaked out of the house, I would. Because maybe they don't let that poor woman come into the living room, but no one ever said anything about the kitchen door, right? They wouldn't even notice I'd gone off to a nice cocktail lounge or a bar where there are lots of comfortable seats, maybe a television - and someone else to wash the dishes.

Bill Will React

noreply@blogger.com (Lidian) — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 15:47:00 +0000

Big version here

Oh, that Bill. He's such a stone face most of the time. Nothing impresses him, he never talks, he never cracks a smile. But Bill will react to this, all right.

Because he's always brushed and curried...

You know, like a horse. Maybe he is a horse.

...because of the knot of his tie and the crease of his trousers, and the way he cocks his head when I've spent hours having a hairdo.

So basically he's obsessed with his appearance - and yours. That sounds healthy and relaxing for you both. He might want to try loosening his tie, though. It will improve the blood circulation in his brain. People tend to react less when they're about to pass out, you see.

Anyway, Bill is getting shaving stuff. Some nice 1940s shaving stuff from Seaforth. Either something called a "Commando Set" (best not to ask about that one) or something called "For Better Days."

But what this lady doesn't know is that Bill...well, not only doesn't he react, he doesn't need to shave, either.

Because he is actually a fugitive on the run from Madame Tussaud's and is entirely made of wax. He's been applying fake stubble in secret with some old crepe wool and this lady's best Maybelline eyebrow pencil.

So he won't react, lady - not exactly. But maybe pretending to shave will give him a few Better Days. Just make sure he doesn't get too near the Christmas candles.

A June Tan For Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (Lidian) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 16:06:00 +0000

Westinghouse never made their sun lamps more compelling as holiday gifts than in this dramatic 1952 advertisement. Sure, it cost $8.50 for the sun lamp - oh, and you simply must buy the sun lamp holder for 35 cents extra, unless the beaming dork on the left is going to hold the thing up to you. But it is oh so worth it, sweetie darling! Just consider this:

--The ad says that you will look like you're "just back from Bermuda." Wealthy, jet-setting, ineffably fancy. So do talk about the cruise ship, and how you and the Duchess of Windsor exchanged fashion tips - she showed you how to use just enough rubber cement to glue the Duke's grimacing smile into place (it seems to work, as we can see). Oh, and the pink sand beaches were divine! Pretend that the postcards you sent everyone simply got lost in the terrible crush of holiday mail, my dear.

--You will inspire guys to make faces of highly exaggerated, hubba-hubba type surprise as you all dance in your seafoam-green living room.You redid it to remind you of the sparkling waters off - well, off Bermuda. Ah, such a divine place to go to in the winter. How you miss it!

--But best of all, look just look at the effect you are going to have on your so-called friend Margie! Poor, pale, suburban Margie. Don't look now, dear, but - well, I think you might be in a tiny spot of danger, darling. Make sure you hid the sun lamp before Margie goes to the powder room and starts going through all your things. Actually, you'd better hide all the Westinghouse appliances. Just to be on the safe side. It's what the Duchess of Windsor would do.

An Excellent Tonic

noreply@blogger.com (Lidian) — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 23:00:00 +0000

It really is amazing, what the right medicine can do. This cheery advertisement from 1916 illustrates the point beautifully, doesn't it? The smiling young fellow's friend doesn't even recognize him, he looks so well after taking Malt-Nutrine, the amazing "liquid-food-tonic" made, oddly enough, by the Milwaukee beer manufacturers Anheuser-Busch. No, Malt-Nutrine wasn't beer, of course - it wasn't alcoholic at all, according to the fine print. And you could find it in almost any drugstore.

Back in 1916 this cheery man was lucky to find just what he needed at the local pharmacy. Of course he had to make the trip downtown to get there, and that could cost you a lot of time, and streetcar fare - to say nothing of then having an extra errand to do.

Now, thanks to online pharmacies, the druggist quite literally can come to you. There are some great places online where you can shop for over the counter drugs right in your own home, without having to go out if it's cold and snowy or just as grey and miserable as the non Malt-Nutrined friend on the left probably is (we can't see his face, but if we could, I'll bet he'd look pretty worn down).

If you visit a good online pharmacy, you can easily buy nexium or buy lipitor or any other prescription medicines that you may need. And online pharmacies can also educate you about things like side effects and drug interactions, things you need to know. There are usually customer service phone lines, too, so you can talk with someone if you need to know something specific. And they will be glad to help you order the medications you need to help you feel as wonderful as the Malt-Nutrine man back in 1916.

Heavenly Jellied Cells

noreply@blogger.com (Lidian) — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 14:04:00 +0000

If only I could think what this strange 1940s gelatin dessert (the one on the right, just so we're clear about it) reminds me of. Something in nature, I believe. Something that you might see in science class. Not on your plate at the dinner table, certainly.

It isn't just the shape of it, or the clear gelatin that bothers me, though they do. It is the fact that those peach halves are whole, and look like eyes, or ameobas, or cells - or something.

Say, maybe it is a dessert for scientists. It kind of reminds me of the cells there on your left, which according to dear Wikipedia. have been stained and stuck under a microscope. Do not stick the Heavenly Peaches under a microscope, though. It will lead to nothing good. Let's just leave it alone and maybe it will go away, back to the strange dimension it came from.

I'm sure that you could recreate the real cells with red Jell-O and green candied cherries. Or the reverse. How festive that would be for the holidays!
Or maybe not.

Whatever it is, this strange geometric clear cellular dessert thing, Hunt's does not actually tell you how to make it. Perhaps they sense that no one will ever want to do this. We'll be back to more kitschy holiday posts this week, for sure. I'll try and keep candied cherries and amoebas out of them, too.*

*Well, definitely no amoebas, anyway.

The Engaging Diamond Engagement Ring

noreply@blogger.com (Lidian) — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 20:18:00 +0000

Meet Mary of Burgundy, the first known recipient of a diamond engagement ring. In 1477, Maximilian I, the Holy Roman Emperor, her fiancé, sent her a magnificent ring as a pledge. The engagement ring or betrothal ring had been known since the Middle Ages, but Mary's was the first to feature this remarkable gemstone, even though diamond engagement rings didn't really become popular, until the mid to late 19th century.

Diamonds were prized from the earliest times - did you know that the very earliest printed book, way before Gutenberg and his printing press, was the 9th century Chinese Diamond Sutra? Diamonds have been said to possess all sorts of powers in addition to the power of their beauty. They were said to assure victory in battle to anyone wearing or carrying a diamond. They protected the wearer off the battlefield, too, against diseases such as the plague - and spells cast against someone wearing a diamond would fail, too. And did you know that it was once believed that if you swallowed a diamond, your throat would never be sore and scratchy?

But even if diamonds don't protect you from illness or help you win lawsuits and battles, their beauty and brilliance is enough to make them attractive as jewelry. And the diamond jewelry you enjoy wearing now will someday be a precious heirloom to pass down to your children.

Whiteflash diamond jewelry is particularly impressive. Whiteflash is the first company in the US to sell the gorgeous and very special Hearts and Arrows diamond as well as many "super ideal cut" diamonds - all available online. The Hearts and Arrows effect is seen in certain specially cut round brilliant cut diamonds. When cut this way, very precisely, you can actually see 8 hearts and 8 arrows in the diamond if you use special magnification. And Whiteflash is the only place to find these in the US.

Whiteflash specializes in the round ideal cut diamond, a type that they are expert at producing and selling. Also, Whiteflash can help get you that handcrafted one-of-a-kind engagement or wedding ring that you want, in platinum or gold; they have all sorts of custom designs and specialty jewelry, even engagement rings pave. You can even purchase loose diamonds, if you are a jewelry-maker and want to create your own piece.

There's a wide selection of terrific-looking diamonds which I've very much enjoyed looking at. I certainly will keep them in mind for when I sell a book and make some extra money - that would be just the time to treat myself, don't you think? And maybe my diamond will be like that of a long-ago princess from Luxembourg who, it is said, owned two diamonds which were able to reproduce themselves.* That would be something, wouldn't it?

*I found this tidbit (and a lot more besides, that I didn't have room to include) in the Encyclopedia of Superstitions, Folklore and the Occult Sciences of the World, by Cora Linn Daniels and C.M. Stevens, originally published 1903, reprinted in 2003.

Get Toasted With Joan Crawford

noreply@blogger.com (Lidian) — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 14:27:00 +0000

Well, look who's here! It's the 1937 edition of Miss Joan Crawford, complete with a black fuzzy muff, a stunned-looking white toy Scottie dog and a carton of Luckies.

One can only hope that the people behind that door have been cleaning, polishing silverware, cooking gourmet dishes and practicing their best company smiles. And are ready for anything.

Lucky Strikes were first made in the 1870s and they were originally chewing tobacco - the cigarette Luckies came later. The classic Lucky Strikes red and white packaging didn't appear until 1942 - this ad is from 1937 - so the box is green and gold, the original Lucky Strike colors. The classic Lucky slogan of this era was "It's toasted!" Well, wouldn't you be, if Joan was standing on your doorstep?

The Gallery of Graphic Design on Flickr has a whole lot of old Lucky ads - a lot of which feature people standing in front of very large tobacco leaves while they study one leaf with amazed smiles. They all seem rather loopy in an unnerving way, so excited about a big, dry-looking yellow leaf.

But none of them are quite as terrifying as Joan Crawford, who - though she would never deign to examine leaves - has a mysterious tobacco-driven agenda. That dreamy yet steely gaze she has as she raps on the door - what can she be planning? Whatever she has in mind, just make sure she makes like a Lucky and gets a little toasted. It might help.

The Cake of the Gods

noreply@blogger.com (Lidian) — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 15:25:00 +0000

The Rotarian, November 1922

Made the Ward Way, as only Ward knows how.

Yes, when they celebrate Christmas up on Mount Olympus*, and Zeus has finished carving the goat and they've fished Dionysus out of the wine amphora and Athena has bored everyone with a lecture on philosophy - then Hera brings out a Ward's Paradise Fruit Cake, and there is much rejoicing and playing of lyres and there are libations toasting Ward and all his baking minions down on earth.

In other words, this is probably the best fruitcake that ever was. Ever! Consider these salient (and possibly half-baked) points about this 1920s delicacy:

1. It is baked by "the world's greatest bakers." Say no more. But wait, there is more:

The Cats Pajamas

2. It is made the "Ward way, as only Ward knows how." Yes, Ward in his Ward's Paradise knows the esoteric mysteries of fruitcake. And what they might be, Ward only knows.

"Goat and Fixins and then - Yum Yum!"

3. It is an "ideal Christmas gift for any man or woman" - whether they like fruitcake or not. All your gift-giving problems solved, just like that!

4. It is wrapped in glassine paper (you can reuse the glassine to store your stamp collection, or firecrackers, or something).

5. You also get a gorgeous metal gift box lined with "lace paper and an embowed doily." Tell me the last time you saw an embowed doily! It's worth getting the cake just for this reason alone.

6. Now, if you are west of the Mississippi or in Canada you have to pay a dollar more, but hey, this is the Cake of the Gods.

*Yeah, I know it's anachronistic and doesn't make sense, etc. But still.

Real Gift Excitement

noreply@blogger.com (Lidian) — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 16:32:00 +0000

Mother and Skip must have got into the rum-laced eggnog a little bit early on Christmas morning. It's the only way to explain their facial expressions - happy, glazed-as-a-doughnut contentment - as they contemplate Father.

This kind of "real gift excitement" is not something I ever, ever want to see in real life. Why, he's pointing that Weller power tool straight in the direction of his loved ones - the people who just gave him that thing! I don't think he means any harm. But you can just tell he shouldn't be anywhere near a soldering gun, or a homecrafter kit, or - Heaven forbid - a power sander.

Two hours later he's soldered all of Mother's earrings together. And the silverware is now a garland of forks and spoons - perfect for the tree, except that it's so heavy the tree fell over. Please, someone, distract him with another gift - like a tie - before he notices all the tin cans in the pantry.

[Advertisement from Popular Science, December 1960.]